Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Lots of things on my mind today, but let me just get one major thought out first. think i first saw this on askreddit. can't exactly remember what the prompt was; might have been "what's the biggest lesson that you learned too late?", but someone shared this - there's a huge difference between "i don't care" and "i don't mind". more often than not, we use the former when we actually mean the latter. it doesn't seem to be a singaporean thing either; the writer of the original post was american or something. but yes. it's a really common mistake, and one that i'd been guilty of more than once. actually, i was alerted to it by one of the BPS brothers a while ago. he was telling me (over text) that he might end up in ITE, and i replied "i don't care which school you end up in". he blew up over text, saying something to the effect of "that's the problem! nobody cares!" to me, what i said meant that i would still support him and not think any less of him even if he did somehow end up in ITE. but he took it to mean that i had no interest in his future because i did not care about which school he went to. in retrospect, i think that's one of the things that started the end of our coaching relationship. the proper answer should have been "i don't mind even if you go to ITE, i'll still support you". although now that i type it out, "i don't mind" has a slight negative/condescending connotation too in the singapore mindset. you know, like you're being forced to settle for something. context: oh, you don't have my preferred option? well, i guess i don't mind option B. so maybe even "i don't mind" may not be the best thing to say...but at least it beats "i don't care".

been feeling a little restless these past few days. on monday, i thought that it might have been due to nervous energy from the audit (which went decently enough, by the way), but i've still been feeling it yesterday and today. not entirely sure why. through conversations with some people, i've begun to it human nature to upset a natural equilibrium? the reason i'm thinking along this line is because i've been reflecting on things with the date. don't get me wrong, i'm not unhappy with the way things are going. we're at kind of a steady-state now, with routine dates, dinners, and daily interaction over text. it's nice, and i like it. at the same time, i kind of want more. to stay over at the date's place. to have them express affection more frequently and in greater magnitude. to be more intimate. to travel together, or at least go on a staycation. to finally be acknowledged as the boyfriend. the date says that they've been hurt from their past relationship, and i acknowledge that it takes time to recover. considering it's been 5-ish years since the breakup, and 18 months since we've (re-)started dating, i just wonder how long more it will take. asking for a timeframe is not right, so i'm left to guess and estimate by myself. but i wonder if this is ok - ok within me, i mean. like, can i accept things remaining the same for another, say, 2 years? again, it's not that i'm unhappy. more like mildly dissatisfied. and at the same time, i wonder if i'm being unreasonable to want all of this from the date, who may not be ready to give these things. if i were to ask myself, i'd (obviously) say that it's a perfectly reasonable request, because i'd be happy to do any of the above things that i've listed...maybe except stay over, but that's due to different circumstances.

i'm not sure how to approach this, actually. it doesn't make sense to rock the boat, since there HAS been signs that we're getting closer (the date passed me the mother's number so that i could wish her happy mother's day, for one). it's just that i feel that we could speed up the process of getting closer, or make it more obvious somehow. how would you deal with this? i think open communication is a vital part of any relationship, but so is tact and sensitivity. right now, i don't see a good way of being tactful and sensitive about this. i don't want to make the date feel like there's excessive pressure coming from my end, because i know that their first instinct will be to protect themself and run/resist. and if i take things as they are right now, i'll be trapped in this schroedinger's cat state where the outcome is both positive and negative before i actually take any action. to evaluate the best and worst case scenarios, the former is that the date agrees and we're closer. the latter is that the date feels threatened and breaks it off. the in-the-middle scenario ranges from us reaching a compromise to everything remaining status quo, so it's kind of a big fuzzy area. perhaps i can do this in a calm, non-threatening manner. just have to choose a good time and place. maybe on a somewhat neutral date. we'll see.

there are a few other thoughts, about age gaps in dating, as well as about settling for someone...both kind of related to the above, in a rather roundabout way. but i think i'll sort out my thoughts and phrase them properly before i write anything on those topics.

-random thought of the day: Motivation comes from the strangest places.-

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