Further job progress - i've been sent the offer letter! the terms are mostly favourable, although there's one thing that kind of gives me pause. that's the probation period, which is set for 9 months and extendable by a further 3 to make it a whole year in total. seems that the extension will only happen if performance is unsatisfactory, so here's hoping i won't need it.

like i said earlier, the offer is good overall. although i shouldn't really be, i was still kind of surprised that they really gave me the bottom of my asking salary range. despite telling myself that i wouldn't complain if the value was within what i'd asked for, i still found myself thinking thoughts like 'i should have asked for a higher figure'. here's where i slap myself across the face and remind myself to be appreciative that they're hiring me, and that the figure is objectively quite generous. it's more than what i was making at the accursed IP firm, and the benefits are better here! guess it's human nature to want more. just have to remind myself to be content, and that having a source of income is better than no income. not to mention that they disclosed the salary cap for that rank in the offer letter, and it's higher than the maximum they put in the job ad. this means i've got something to work towards!

speaking of the benefits, they're pretty generous! 18 days of annual leave, which goes up to 22 days due to things like birthday leave. best part, i can take paid leave during my probation period (with some terms and conditions attached, of course)! i also have 2 MC days which don't require doctor's notes. those can probably be used for mental health days. the hours are not bad; 42 hours per week which is effectively 40 as the company allows us to leave 2 hours early once a week for sports/exercise. reminder of how lucky i am - not only am i going to make more than i did at the accursed IP firm, i also have a greater scope of benefits, plus i'm 95% sure that the hours are going to be more human/humane. i should count my blessings, really.

of course, there are downsides. just a couple of minor ones, first being the 9-month probation period as mentioned earlier. a typical company has probation set at 3 months. the accursed IP firm had 6, which i already thought was ridiculous. 9 is just...wow. the plan is to go in and do my best, learn everything i can. another potential downside is the workload/mental aspect of the job, but i shouldn't form preconceived notions

by the way, i haven't mentioned what company it is yet, have i? that was rhetorical - i know i haven't, and am deliberately avoiding doing so. the reason is that i don't want to expose myself to any unnecessary trouble, especially since i've not been confirmed yet. a part of me is even hesitant to tell people i got this job, until all the obstacles are cleared and i've physically been in the office for at least some time. a more extreme part of me wants to wait until i've cleared probation to update my linkedin and all that, but that'll mean waiting for 9 months. well, linkedin is mainly used when job-hunting anyway, so i guess i'm good? so far, only L, scary JC friend, some of the alumni, and my aunt know about it. i expect retired cousin will chance upon this soon, at which time she'll join the ranks of the knowers.

to help my planning, i'm going to list down things i have to do between now and when work starts next year:

- sign and return offer letter (by this week)

- medical checkup (pending company's arrangement)

- security check (don't think i need to do anything here?)

- get new work clothes (find a tailor)

- work out arrangements with L and/or my aunt

- talk to my chemistry friend about the tuition centre thing

- go back to more healthy eating

at a high level, these are the main things i need to do. i'll probably expand on them as and when they crop up. some of the less tangible things on my list include an updated balls post, goal-setting and mindset tuning for the new job, also just talking through my feelings about the relationship so far. this includes my hopes? ideas? for our future. one things of particular interest to me there is getting a place of my own. L is still under 35, so he can't be listed as a co-buyer yet. we'll work something out.

for now though, i'm going to just take a moment to be grateful. i'm grateful that good things are coming into my life one after another. i'm grateful that i've been in good health throughout most of the jobless period, and that i didn't need to spend money on medical things. i'm grateful for a partner who's not perfect, but pretty darned close. we haven't fought-fought yet exactly, but there have been disagreements which ended with one party apologizing. well, not everyone can have an argument-free marriage/relationship. besides, there's a japanese saying that translates into "rain solidifies the ground", or "(resolving) arguments strengthen the relationship". that's also something i want to write about in our relationship journal. i hope i remember this feeling of thankfulness in tough times.

-random thought of the day: Busy week ahead!-

I HAVE A JOB!!!!

well, i tentatively do. as you know, i had the psychometric (IQ) tests last week, and i honestly don't think i did very well. still, they scheduled me for a second interview, which was earlier today. for all my previous job applications, the companies have said that they'd get back to me within a week or two. sometimes a rejection email will come towards the end of that period, other times the company will flat-out ghost me and not respond even when i follow up. today's company got back to me within 3 hours from the end of my interview to tell me that they were keen on having me on board. it's amazing how fast things can be pushed through when the motivation is there! according to the HR staff, my second interview "went well" (verbatim quote). i had a sense that it was good, as i managed to engage both the 3 panelists and the HR person sitting in. was still quite nerve-wracking, though. i was telling L just after it ended and before i knew the outcome that i would rate my performance as an 8.5 or 9/10. looks like i was on the money!

BUT...i'm still trepidatious. a lot of things can happen between a tentative offer and the job's official start date. i've heard stories of offers being retracted days before the reporting date, or even more egregiously, after the candidate showed up for work. while i don't think such horrible things will happen to me, i also don't want to rest upon my laurels especially since i haven't signed anything. there are still salary/benefits negotiations to go, so a potential trip-up might be that they lowball me. their given salary range is quite wide, and if they offer me within $500 of the upper limit (monthly salary, hence the smaller tolerance), i'll be happy to accept. still, i'm not going to count chickens. rather, i'll deal with issues if and when they crop up.

apart from (tentatively) landing that job, the other big piece of news is that i've been playing nurse to L recently. no, it's not sexy roleplay...he just had all 4 of his wisdom teeth extracted this past monday. 2 were impacted and had to be surgically removed, while the other 2 were more straightforward pull-them-out type things. he's healing well, which is a relief. so far, my duties have included being a medicine timing planner, personal chef, and just general all-around butler-y services. thankfully, he's been a pretty good patient - never kicking up a fuss and being diligent in his wound care and hygiene. i also got to flex my creative culinary muscles a bit due to the constraint of cooking only soft food for him. i think the dish i'm proudest of so far is a sort of bread pudding analogue with tiny pieces of bread in (home-made) custard. i'll probably adjust the recipe for chewing-capable people in the future.

taking care of L has also meant that i've spent the past 2 nights at his place, and am slated to be here until at least friday. i'm thinking of it as "married life simulator", and while i feel that we'll be ok on most fronts, i'm noticing that he tends to have conversations with me while he's on his phone. he says he can multitask and get the gist of what i'm saying, and he usually does a good enough job. but there have also been times where he's gotten 90% of the info but missed out of the most crucial 10%. perhaps it's a me thing, but i also don't really feel heard when he does this. yes, i've communicated this to him already. i'm sure that he'll make more of an effort, but i also think that i should do what i can to capture his undivided attention for important conversations, plus have them at more appropriate times (eg. when people from work aren't messaging him and also not when we're about to sleep because he drifts off quite quickly). not only that, i want to learn to let the unimportant stuff go. worst case, i can repeat it in the future. look at me, dealing with a potential conflict point like a mature adult!

with the job issue taken care of, that's one load off my mind. i'm still going to explore the tuition centre thing as a backup plan and/or in case i don't like the job. better to have a door waiting, even if i may not end up using it.

-random thought of the day: Excited!-

Although i'm still jobless, my days have been filled with activity. life with L is still good. we've had a few disagreements, but nothing i would call a rough spot or something to worry about. perhaps it's because we started this interaction/relationship at an older age, but i find it to be more stable. i'm honestly awed at how much he trusts me and is willing to do for me. evidence: i'm writing this post alone in his place while he's gone to work, and i'll only be meeting him later for dinner. it just makes me wonder, if a couple experiences/has experienced this kind of love, how can either party bring themself to cheat? in the hypothetical case that we end our relationship, i want to remember this initial period and remember that he's a wonderful person who should be treated well. but let's not jinx it. we've just passed a month of dating (yesterday by calendar date, this past sunday by number of weeks), and i hope that we'll have many more months and years ahead of us.

related thought: i think i can better understand why people change so much after losing their partner. real life example: my paternal grandparents; fictional example: john wick or any of the countless love shows. it's my overactive imagination at work, but i do imagine that many of the little things/routines we've established will continue into our old age. to name a few SFW ones: helping him get ready for work, holding on to his phone when we're on a date, cooking together. the thought of one of us not being around for those things is kind of horrible, and while i know that we're still a few decades away from that if everything goes well, i'm dreading the day it happens. i suppose we should do what we can and just enjoy each moment that we have together.

because i'm still unemployed, i do feel a little bit like a house husband now. i'm strangely ok with that, though? there haven't been any thoughts or feelings of resentment/inadequacy in this area. but i do know that i need to start working soon. good news is, my interview last friday went well! so far they've made me do a timed written assignment, take a personality test, attend an interview, and take 2 timed psychometric tests. i think the first 3 things went well, but i'm not too confident about the last thing. it's one of those tests where you're supposed to identify the secret rule used to transform pictures. the hard thing was that they did it in 2 dimensions, so you had to superimpose 2 sets of rules. the reading test was weird too. it was one of those where you had to choose true, false, or unsure about statements after reading a passage. i ended up with a lot of "unsure"s, which felt odd. hopefully the tests scores dont' form too big a part of my overall application. there's still one more interview with the higher management next week, and hopefully that will lead to a job offer. kind of wondering how the second interview will go. just have to go in and do my best. L said that if it's meant to be, it'll happen. if this doesn't go through, it might just be the final push to go down the self-employed route.

couple of L-adjacent things that happened in the past week, i brought him to meet N and E. they were cool with it, although E was his usual talkative, no-filter self. still, it was good! L has introduced me to most (basically all) of his friends by now, and i feel like i should step up in that area. problem is, the chemistry guys are busy with life in general. maybe i should push for it a little more strongly? at the same time, i don't want to come across as demanding. at least L is understanding about it, and leaves the planning to me. also, i met up with jedi master, who's back in singapore for a workshop of some kind. after catching up, he told me that he was worried about getting older, and not being able to keep up. it's the first time he's shared that with me, and i think it helped me see that he's also not always the invincible fighter that he appears to be. it's also quite a long time away, but he kind of advised me to entertain the idea of expanding my family unit with L, ie. think of kids. not in the traditional sense, but whatever works for us. that's a thought for sometime in the future, so i'll tuck that away for now and focus on enjoying time alone with L. which reminds me, i have to leave the house for our dinner date!

-random thought of the day: Would be nice if the job went through...-

Things have been good for most things in life. L and i are still getting along fine, discovering more about each other as the days pass. i've been staying over at his place for the past 3 weekends in a row. according to him, his dad is also warming up to me somewhat. i mean, we're still not the best of friends and i don't know if we'll ever be, but we're at least on good terms now, which i feel is a positive sign. so far, L and i have met up with each other every day we've known each other, and i hope we somehow manage to keep that up unless we're physically prevented from doing so, say if one of us has to go overseas without the other or something. even then, i'm sure we can video call or whatnot.

some positive news on the work front as well, i've been invited to an interview! it's online and scheduled for friday. before that though, i've got to take an online test tomorrow. wonder if it'll be in the same style as the consultancy firm? i'm just going to go in and do my best for both the test and the interview. i also understand that if i make it through this round, i'll have 2 more tests and another round of interviews before i can even smell an offer. sounds like a lot of hoops to jump through! well, if it's meant to be, it'll happen. still going to give myself the best chance of landing it though.

one more thought before i go shower and get ready to meet L for dinner. i've seen a lot of my nieces and nephew recently...certainly more than i have for the past 3 years! that's a given, considering i was in japan. but yes, it's been nice i guess. i still don't want to spend more than 3 hours at a go with them...my temper would probably get the better of me. L has said that he wants kids, and i've communicated to him that i'm dead set against the idea. i wonder how strongly he feels about it though. i don't think this is something we'll break up over. maybe we can revisit it a few years into the future, when we're more financially secure/stable. for now, i guess interacting with kids at his job is a close second to having kids of his own.

-random thought of the day: Nervous about the application process.-

So much stuff to update on! time's just flown by; i suspect that a lot of it has to do with enjoying L's company. i think i'll update by day, that would make the most sense.

thursday

the biggest event was meeting L's dad for the first time. it was also his birthday, so the meal served an additional purpose as a celebration. the dad is nice, quite soft-spoken. he seemed ok with me and i think we got along pretty well. L told me that the dad still refers to me as L's "good friend" despite knowing that we're in a relationship. yes, L told him in no uncertain terms. i think it's just the older generation being unused to anything outside heterosexual relationships. but based on how he's been talking to me so far, i think i'm in the clear!

friday

in the morning, L got a bit upset when he broke the shaker bottle i got him (i bring him protein powder after his gym sessions). it was a small thing to me, but he took it really hard. i think it was due to some childhood experiences? anyway, i found that i was able to comfort him when he was highly emotional, which gives me reassurance that i'm doing something right. later in the day, i went to marine parade to pick L up after work for dinner at PLQ. he wanted me to stay over, but i thought that it would be better if i went home due to logistics. that resulted in...not an argument, exactly? but i think it was the first time we disagreed on something substantial. still, i don't think it hurt the relationship. if anything, it helped us see each other more realistically.

saturday

mahjong with L's friends was brought forward from sunday, and we had sushiro for dinner before that. the menu here is smaller than the one in japan, but quality-wise i'd say they're about on par. mahjong was fun, i did a couple of nice hands and didn't let others game off me too much. not for big hands, at least. the guy friends are pretty cool, L told me that each of them has their own trauma/problems, and he wants to help all of them. yes, he's aware that he has a saviour complex. at this time i don't think it's too bad? but i'll be sure to let him know if he's overstepping boundaries or stretching himself too thin. side note: one of the friends was cute, but suffers from low confidence. i wonder why?

sunday

stayed over the previous night, and we had a nice relaxing day. went to seletar mall for a late lunch and to do some work (him, making teaching resources; me, prettying up my resume). then met his dad for a light dinner and groceries at anchorvale before spending a quiet night together. after that outing, i'm pretty sure his dad is ok with me. but i still don't want to become a permanent fixture yet this early into the relationship. not because i don't have faith that we're going to last, but because i don't want to become overly familiar at this point.

monday

despite saying that, i stayed over another night, making it the first time i've stayed over for 2 nights in a row. oops! L went for his morning gym session while i slept in and met him for more grocery shopping later. we cooked lunch before going to orchard because L was meeting his colleagues for tea (literal and figurative). after that, we had dinner at the muji cafe at plaza singapura. the food was a little expensive, but pretty good! still have to satisfy my nandos craving.

tuesday (today)

met L's last significant group of friends (ex-colleagues from his previous workplace). they're interesting and fun! i could see myself hanging out with them more. also, i finally gave L the sodastream machine that i got for him. guy loves carbonated water, while i don't really see the appeal of it. well, as long as it makes him happy. you know, i was thinking of waiting for a significant milestone - like our one-month anniversary, or christmas, or his birthday next year. but then, it occurred to me that a gift is supposed to make the receiving party happy. why wait until a significant occasion to give a gift? maybe i'm turning into a "just because" gift giver. the caveat might be that birthday or anniversary gifts may happen to be lower in price than "just because" ones, but i believe that L won't be that calculative.

relationship stuff aside, there hasn't been much progress in the work department. the career coach i got gave extremely generic advice, like "tailor your resume to each job application". KNN you think i don't know meh!? also, she advised me to send out applications only to jobs that i'm interested in. that just makes me think she's out of touch with the job-hunting process. the way i see it, it's a numbers game. if i have a 1% chance of getting an interview, i'm more likely to get an interview if i send out 500 applications vs. 100. and even if i get interviews for jobs outside my area of interest, attending them is still good practice.

moreover, i think she isn't very invested in me? i have a feeling that she didn't read my resume to identify my strengths or potential jobs that my fit my profile. granted i'm probably not her only client and i don't expect her to spoonfeed me. still, i feel that if i were a career coach, that's something i'd try to do for candidates assigned to me. that feeling of non-investment plus i think she's not familiar with the scientific industry made me ask for a change in career coach, hopefully to someone with relevant experience. i'm due for a call with a higher-level career coach tomorrow (maybe this current one's boss?), and i hope things will improve from here on.

last thing on my mind for now. one of the UK IP firms i applied to got back to me, saying that they were impressed by my profile and wanted me to send in an application using their new candidate portal. i'm smelling a huge rat here. first of all, they didn't get back to me when i emailed my application in in june, or asked for a follow-up in july/august (all standard procedures at the relevant times). now they tell me that they want me to apply again? call me cynical or suspicious, but i'm guessing that they want to get info and statistics about their shiny new portal or maybe even test it by asking candidates to apply. and the more candidates apply, the bigger their data pool. in a worst-case scenario, it might even be someone trying to prove that the portal wasn't a huge waste of money. although if i were still in the UK now, i would apply out of desperation. since i'm not, though...nah! depending on my batman work later, i may or may not drop the person an email to politely thank them for the opportunity, but no thanks because i got tired of waiting and went back to singapore.

in the upcoming days, there are more dates with L planned (we're keeping up the streak of seeing each other every day since we first met/started dating), plus i have a birthday lunch with my aunt, uncle, and cousins on saturday. will probably send out a new wave of applications using the updated resume that L vetted. hopefully that will bring more luck.

-random thought of the day: Life is good!-

Making it short because i've got to leave the house in like...half an hour, and i'm not even showered yet! i did rinse off a little earlier in the day, so i may be able to get away with it. but considering i'm meeting L's dad later tonight for dinner, i probably should shower for a good impression.

i think that L and i have seen each other literally every day since we started dating. perhaps that's a contributor to how quickly we've progressed in the relationship. i went to meet him on tuesday during his morning run (he ran, i cycled). felt pretty good to be out and about so early in the morning. temperature was nice, traffic was light, all in all conducive for exercise. spent the day at his place with plans to go to jewel changi airport, but ended up spending an hour walking back to my place to stow my bicycle and eating at rivervale mall's soup spoon. not a single complaint from him throughout the long walk. solid guy!

met him at his gym on wednesday morning where i passed him a protein shake. we spent the morning and cooked lunch together again, before he went off to work. met up later in the evening to make up for the missed jewel date the day before. we had korean-inspired pizza at pizza maru, followed by botanical gelato at birds of paradise. the pizza was advertised as "chicago-style" and came with a dusting of powdered sugar on the crust. first time i've had it like that. it was interesting. not bad, but not something that i would think of doing on my own. the gelato was awesome! i really want to try a few more of their flavours...maybe another time.

ended up following him home and staying over last night. he went for his usual morning run earlier, and i slept in before we got ready to leave the house - him for work, me to go home and prepare for today's meetings. before meeting his dad for dinner, i'm meeting a friend who used to be a teacher at CJC when i went back to help out with judo. kind of want to pick his brain about teaching in singapore without a PGDE, and more importantly to ask about an open chemistry teacher position in his school. i'm increasingly thinking that opening a tuition centre would be the way to go, though. need to schedule a meeting with my friend to discuss what exactly is needed, and how i can get things moving on my end.

staying over at L's place makes me imagine what us actually living together would be like. it's still sunshine and butterflies now, because i stay one night at most and that isn't really long enough for us to get on each other's nerves. i think we'd get a better perspective when we travel overseas - my japan trip next march is a likely candidate, and we're thinking of doing a staycation-type thing at the end of the year. but that's still some time away. the more immediate concern is meeting L's dad tonight. while i'm more than 90% sure that it will go well, there's still this bit of fear that he will object to something about me - my age, present financial instability, intentions towards his son. my thought is that this is hardly an obstacle, considering L has told me before that his dad just wants him to be happy...so we're at least aligned in that regard. besides, i plan to fight for our relationship, and this is a good chance to show that i mean it. fingers crossed for later!

-random thought of the day: Hoping everything goes well today.-

When i was with the ex, our first "perfect" date was our first valentine's day together, about 3 or 4 months since we started dating. i just had my first perfect date with L after a week of knowing him. admittedly there was some friction at the start, but we got over that and had a great time.

L has several friend groups. i met his girl friends from secondary school (we ate at tan yu's vivocity branch, then had ben & jerry's ice cream) on saturday. they seem to be a nice enough bunch, but i will admit that there was some first-time meeting awkwardness...not helped by me not being the most social person! at least i've sort of gained their approval, so that's nice. his guy friend group is a little bit more...suspicious/wary of me. one of them had 2 issues, which were my age and my finances. i feel it's legitimate. he's looking out for his friend and i can respect that. still, it made me worry that he would convince L to rethink the relationship and that upon reconsideration, L would break up with me. L tried to allay my fears over text, but texting doesn't convey nuance and emotion very well...so i was still on tenterhooks about the whole thing. it was only at night when we talked face to face that i was able to tell him about this worry, and he reassured me that he was in it with me for the long haul. this was all on sunday, by the way.

earlier that night, we also met scary JC friend and her boyfriend. kind of like a double date, but it was mainly to see what she thought of L. i have to say, L really 很会做人 (literally: knows how to be a human being). the metaphorical meaning of that phrase is that he knows how to deal with people - he bought scary JC friend a tea advent calendar, despite my repeated reassurances that a 见面礼 was unnecessary. we ate at the fancy unagi place again, followed by chinese meat skewers for round 2. all in all, a very satisfying dinner/evening, only made better by the company. she approves of him, which is one major hurdle that he's cleared. i knew he'd get through no problem!

i followed him home and stayed the night. somehow i think we're getting better at sharing a sleeping space - like, we'll fall asleep faster, not wake up so many times in the middle of the night, and just be more comfortable with another body in close proximity. as good as the date was, i enjoyed today's interactions more. we went to seletar mall to get groceries and do other miscellaneous shopping, then cooked lunch at home. we worked together quite well in the kitchen - another green flag! i did most of the cutting, he did most of the cooking. his knives are horribly blunt, though. got to bring my stone over and sharpen them up so it's safer. yes, counterintuitive as it sounds, a sharp knife is safer than a blunt knife. with a sharp knife, you don't have to exert that much pressure during cutting, meaning a sharp knife is more easily controlled. lunch was carbonara-style pasta with a whole bunch of ingredients. nowhere near traditional, but tasted really good. we then lazed around for a while before cleaning and washing up, and i left for home while he went for his weekly family dinner.

although we didn't do anything mega thrilling, i felt thoroughly happy and content. is this what married life is like? if so, i could really get used to it. have a slow start to the morning, leisurely doing errands in the neighbourhood, spending quality time together even doing something as unexciting as cooking a meal. it makes my heart swell to think that this could become a routine with L, whose smile i will never get tired of seeing. i MIGHT just reconsider my position on marriage. definitely no kids, though!

future forecast: meeting L for morning exercise tomorrow. if anyone needs proof of how much love can motivate a person, look here. we might be doing something on wednesday, but that's TBC. meeting his dad on thursday...oh boy. i feel slightly above average nervousness for this one. but i'm going into it with the idea of putting my best foot forward and asking for his blessing to be with/take care of his son. which reminds me, i should set up more meetings, with the chemistry guys and JC friends. will i ever introduce him to family? maybe. still a bit too early to say.

-random thought of the day: Sleepy, and there's morning exercise tomorrow.-

Barely a week has passed since i first met L in person. today's a week to the day, actually. in these 7 days, i feel like i've grown up a whole lot. i've never felt so deeply for another person, and i think it's because (1) our visions are aligned, and (2) my feelings are truly reciprocated. like in the past, i kind of thought like i'd be ok with any old job, or living any old how. but now it's like, 'i want to give my partner a good life. how can i do that?'. and that motivates me to work hard, eat healthy, consider joining him for exercise, etc. ok, fine. that last one might also be because of the added reward of getting to spend more time with him. but hey, whatever it takes to achieve the goal, right?

i don't know if we're moving out of the puppy love phase yet, but we've highlighted the need to have some serious conversations soon. we've had some already, actually. it sounds kind of really morbid, but he told me he had a gut feeling that he'd die young and that i should live on without him if it happened. i mean...the 30s are supposed to be the prime of one's life. and i've only just met this guy! i'm hoping for another 30 years with him, minimum. the scary thing is that he has a hereditary condition that may be life-threatening if it acts up. good news is that he hasn't experienced anything like that so far, plus his dad is still healthy at close to 60 years old. i figure that's a hurdle we'll cross if/when we get to it, but it's made me want to stop wasting time and just do things that i'd normally be afraid/hesitant to do. the tuition centre is one of those things. i kind of want to move in with him ASAP to do the couple life thing. my mentor figure said that i should go all in on one thing, instead of 50% each on 2 things. he was referring to my work, of course - day job vs. tuition centre. but i also see it in my relationship. failure simply isn't an option at this time. 

-random thought of the day: Staying over at his place again tonight!-

Does it happen to you often? you recall some quote or song lyric or random information, then can't figure out where you heard it from. the most recent one i had was "if this is reality, never let me sleep. if this is a dream, never let me awaken". turns out it's from the karate kid 2, a movie which i only saw in passing once a long time ago. weird how the brain can hold on to such random trivia!

that line is also exactly how i feel about L right now. i'm still in disbelief that a guy who's so perfect for me in every way exists! i don't dare to say that this is my last relationship due to some concerns (both practical and ideological), but i would be perfectly happy growing old with him if the state of things hold. i'm definitely optimistic, though! he actually told his dad about my existence and our developing relationship. my heart just about exploded when he did. it was incredibly brave of him, and the most ridiculous thing is that he doesn't see it as brave! as for the dad...he didn't give his blessing, exactly? but he didn't reject the idea, either. it was more like he wanted his son to be careful and not get played, a feeling which i totally understand! i'm seeing it as my duty(?) to convince the dad that i'll be good for his son. that was on thursday, by the way. he was feeling emotional after the tough conversation, so i borrowed the car and went to spirit him away for a bit. we ended up eating at mcdonalds and talking for a few hours. strange that time seems to fly by on our dates, but that's a good sign, right?

yesterday (friday) was a workday for him, so i wasn't expecting anything...until he asked to meet for dinner. that turned into yet another sleepover. i went to the alumni gathering straight from his place, where i shared some stuff with scary JC friend (including letting slip that i didn't come from home!). she's excited to meet him, which i think is a great sign. so far, none of the people i've dated have met her. it's probably going to be the litmus test of my relationships moving forward...survive the best friend, and you're good. and if i'm the one who has reservations about them meeting, then perhaps i'm subconsciously thinking that the relationship may not work out.

having a partner who lives near you is such a blessing. granted, distance shouldn't be a dealbreaker but being able to walk home in a reasonable time from a partner's place beats trying to find grab or whatever. i definitely lucked out here; not only can i walk home if needed, he actually would like me to stay over more often! i'm THIS close to marrying him already. no, i kid - singapore law doesn't allow that. despite being anti-marriage for the longest time, the thought of marrying him doesn't scare me at this point.

perspective check! of course, we're still smack in the middle of the honeymoon period. scary JC friend told me that i should really start to watch out when i feel less like accommodating him or taking initiative to go the extra mile, as that would indicate decreased novelty and so-called complacency starting to set in. at this point, i feel like that won't happen. realistically, i know that even the shiniest toys lose their lustre eventually. well, i hope that if/when it happens, we can communicate well enough to resolve any dissatisfaction before it turns to resentment.

not going to lie, the speed at which we're progressing does concern me a little, in that it may all just come crashing down due to a not-solid foundation of knowing each other well first. i literally stayed over at his place on our first meeting/date! scary JC friend did tell me that rather than the duration, the things that happened should be the main assessment criteria, so to speak. that's the same message found in atomic habits - it's not how long someone has been doing something, it's how many times they've done it...ie. frequency over duration. also, not sure if i mentioned this before, but my primary school classmate who moved to australia proposed to his wife 3 months after first meeting her. as far as i know, they're still happily married now. yes, i know that they're a huge outlier, but they give me hope.

right, i'm just going to do my best for the relationship. so far, he hasn't set off my warning bells yet, so that's a plus. he did pre-empt me that his mood/temper might get worse during his busy periods, so that's something i'll have to navigate when the time comes. i think as long as he looks to me for support and doesn't take out his anger and negative emotions on me (and obviously the same goes for me to him), we should be good.

-random thought of the day: Meeting his friends later!-

People are complex. actually that's not true. the fundamental human motivations are food and sex. the complexity comes from the extents to which humans will go to get those things. as relationships are typically linked to sex, they tend to come with their fair share of problems and accompanying attempts by people to provide solutions/guidelines. i'm insanely grateful for this new guy's presence in my life. it's been 2 more days since my last post, and there have been green flags popping up. perhaps i should tell you a bit about what we've been doing in this time, and you can tell me if i'm wearing green-tinted glasses. for easier reference, the new guy will be nicknamed "L". not going to go into the origins of this nickname, but as a point of interest/trivia, his legal name doesn't contain any Ls at all.

i actually didn't mention our monday date! as you know, i stayed over at his house from sunday night to monday. he didn't have work, so we went to NEX for a late lunch and to run some errands. he said that a green flag he saw in me was that i treated the service staff nicely. thank you, japan and UK experiences! going abroad really mellowed me out, and helped me to be friendlier to people in the service industry. they deserve it...except sennheiser. the first-level customer service staff there suck SO bad! where was i? oh, we were both feeling tired due to not sleeping much the previous night (no dirty thoughts, people!) and we basically walked around a bit more before his dad came to pick him up and i took the train home. i should mention that i didn't bring a change of clothes because i wasn't expecting to stay over, so i borrowed some of his to sleep in and when we went out. considering i'm someone who hates clothes shopping due to internalized insecurity about clothes sizes that fit, i was really surprised that i could fit into some of his stuff especially since he's of medium/average build. he lent me a shirt which was a uniqlo L (or maybe XL?) and it was big on me! this might be my "building self-confidence" arc, no joke. i've already mentioned the video call to end our monday night, so not going to repeat it here. oh, except to say that we decided to start a daily gratitude thing (mention one thing about the other party/that the other party did that day which makes you grateful). it sounds mega...i don't know - new age and hippie-like, but i'm all for it because i think it'll strengthen the relationship.

that brings us to yesterday (tuesday). we didn't have plans to meet initially, but he decided to run to my place for his morning run. i must admit, this guy is disciplined. he's adopting strategies from this book called "atomic habits", which he's also lent me to read. i'm halfway through, and it's quite intriguing. tell you all about it another time. he was incredibly touched that i brought water down for him, and meanwhile i'm just like...it's something i'd do for a loved one. we spent most of the morning talking before he had to go back and prepare for work.

in a fit of insanity, we agreed to meet again after his work. since he works near-ish to my aunt's place, i went over to see my niece and nephew who were there after school. their dad (my older cousin) told them about an old childhood nickname which i had, and that brought back some unpleasant memories. i hope they don't remember/use it, because we might have to have a serious conversation if they do. worst case i'll just increase the (emotional) distance. don't need that in my life any more. L got a bit worried when i wouldn't share the details with him later in the night, but i told him that i was over it and just didn't like the memories it brought up. although now after some time since the incident, i wonder if i might be overreacting a bit. we'll see how i feel if and when it happens next time. back to the evening date, we ate at collin's at PLQ. pretty good food; i loved the fried whole barramundi which L got. quick self-praise moment: i offered to debone the fish for him. thank you paternal grandparents (especially paternal grandfather) for teaching me to eat and love fish! i had chicken and waffles, which were good too. not something i'd normally go for, but i had a random craving.

CONTENT WARNING: M18

following dinner, he invited me to spend the night again...and i agreed. i'm not going to go into too many details, but let's just say some M18 stuff happened, and i felt extremely safe and comfortable throughout. while i don't really have body shyness issues for things like going to an onsen or swimming pool, being intimate with someone else is a whole different ball game (gay pun absolutely not intended). the fact that he makes me feel comfortable in my own skin and was willing to take things slow instead of rushing to the proverbial finish line are 2 huge green flags for me. i also loved that we could laugh even during sexy times. it just seems like what a healthy relationship would/should be like!

CONTENT WARNING OVER

that brings us to this morning, where despite sleeping for maybe 4 hours or less, he went to the gym. this guy is definitely going to be a positive influence on me. not having a membership to his gym (24/7), i stayed back in his room and just vegged out for the hour or so he was away. he trusts me THAT much, to be alone in his house! without mentioning it beforehand, he made a detour on his way home to buy a couple of slices of min jiang kueh for our breakfast, which we shared. odd, isn't it? i seldom liked getting surprise-gifted by the ex, but with L it's like "yeah, awesome!" no matter what it is. he went off to meet his friends for lunch, and i went home. we're still texting back and forth sporadically despite having last physically seen each other just 4 hours ago, and i wonder if that's normal. but then again, what is "normal" exactly, anyway?

analysis time! we've actually spent way more time together than a "normal" couple would in the same timeframe. is that bad? not necessarily, in my opinion. he was joking that we speedran the dating process, which we kind of did. normally, that would raise some warning signs. however, i think we're mitigating the potential pitfalls well enough. we're meeting each other's friends this weekend (i'm meeting the first group of his on saturday, he's meeting the first group of mine on sunday). on a discord text chat, his friend has told me to treat him with care and respect. i'm sure scary JC friend will have similar to say. he's also brought up the idea of me meeting his family. since he knows them better than i do, i'm going to leave the planning to him and just show up when and where he tells me to. on my side, probably the only family members he'll get to meet are retired cousin and my aunt.

if you ask me now whether i'm feeling real love or puppy love for him, i'd definitely say real love. but that's why it could be puppy love too, right? the intensity of the feelings is there, and that could lead to warped perceptions. call me lame or cliched or whatever, but i think i can better understand how deep love can go now. i was telling a few other online friends that our...activities would have to stop, and i felt completely no regrets. no FOMO either. without putting L down, i'll say that some of my internet friends have physiques and uh...anatomy that's more conventionally attractive than what L has. despite that, i would choose L every single time because of how safe he makes me feel. love can really be a transformative force, and people have to experience it to get a sense of exactly how powerful it can be.

the 4 days from sunday until now feel almost like a dream. multiple times, both of us have rhetorically asked, "how can this be real?" it's as though someone took all my emotional and mental criteria for a partner and tailor-made this guy for me. another way i know he's sincere is that he's let me stay over at his house. if you were trying to scam or catfish someone, giving them more leads would be bad, right? unless someone is putting in a herculean effort to scam me. if so, i'd like them to know that their costs incurred during the scam operation are probably higher than my bank balance.

pretty sure there are more things on my mind, but i'm wiped out. going to take a power nap, then it's time for more job applications. hopefully i can clear the backlog of the ones requiring a tailored resume that i've saved on jobstreet. and hopefully, some company gives me a positive indicator. interview, offer, a request for more information, anything! for now, nap time!

-random thought of the day: Losing sleep over this guy is worth it.-

Lots of updates! if i'd stuck to my plan of writing a post on saturday to unload the mental baggage then, today's post would be significantly shorter, but still incredibly long due to the best 3 dates i've ever had, all of which took place yesterday and today. let's do sub-headings, no sentence limits here, i think.

interview and bank account closure

went to close my HSBC account since i wouldn't need it any more. the process took about 15 minutes? had to submit an additional form since they didn't have records of my signature as i opened the account online while i was in japan. well, at least it was completed with no major pain. even got 10 cents as accrued interest!

the interview sucked, in my opinion. or perhaps i should say i didn't perform to my personal satisfaction. the interviewers were nice enough, but i don't think i impressed them. they told me i'd know the results in about 2 weeks, which leaves about 9 working days. not too hopeful/confident, but let's see what comes my way.

date with a straight guy

it actually happened! he was the perfect gentleman, gave me surprise gifts of a (small) stuffed toy and famous amos cookies. there was no way he could have possibly known that i don't like them for being too sweet. i appreciated the gesture regardless! he brought me to goodwood park hotel for extremely atas teppanyaki. the most expensive dinner set would set a single diner back close to $500. we opted for something more budget-friendly (although he repeatedly asked me to order anything i liked/wanted). still, i wouldn't be surprised if our total bill came up to about $400. the food was great, though! we got to sit at the head teppanyaki chef's table and i watched him work. such skill! seems like a common sauce he uses is made of butter, soy sauce, and sake. something to experiment with in the future.

following that, we walked around orchard road and he sent me off right to my train door. he even stayed there until i was out of sight! really old-school gentleman charm. one more above-and-beyond thing he did was to match my dressing in terms of level of formality. he didn't have to do that, considering that he was working from home that day! mega respect his effort. add on his knack for making people laugh, and that's quite a dangerous combo for a prospect! anyway, as the date progressed, it became increasingly clear that he was perhaps a little out of his depth for same-sex dating. i mean, he did everything flawlessly, but i don't think he's mentally/emotionally ready to date a guy? just to test his comfort zone a little, i asked him how far he thought he could go when having sex with a guy. let's just say he didn't think he could go very far. still, i really commend his dedication and willingness to try new things.

unagi with scary JC friend

this was on friday evening. before that, i met up with her a little earlier to tell her about the straight guy and the guy. she was impressed by the straight guy too! as for the guy, she had a few choice words to describe his behaviour, the most memorable one being "prostitute". the conversation stopped when her other friend came, as she told me he's a bit homophobic. no point stirring a hornet's nest, so all LGBT conversation was shelved for dinner as well. the unagi place was good! grilled eel which was slightly crispy around the edges went well with seaweed, sliced spring onions, and wasabi, paired with rice, dashi broth, and more eel grilling sauce (both regular and spicy versions). would definitely eat there again. in fact, i've got a plan to bring someone there soon, especially since they have a 30% off discount until the end of the month.

the guy

ok, i think it's time to call a spade a spade. from now on, this guy will bear the nickname GD. no prizes for guessing what that means (yes, gold digger)! so, for the past week, GD has called me 3 times or so. EVERY SINGLE TIME, he asked for something. food, skincare, money for his phone and other wants. it got to the point where i was hesitating to accept calls from him because i knew there would be yet another ridiculous request coming. he really got more brazen as time passed. on saturday, he called to ask me to go skincare shopping with him the next day (with me footing the bill, of course). when i made sure that my schedule clashed with his, he pulled out this gem - "how about you pay for it online and i go collect it from the shop? i don't mind going to branches A, B, or C". like...wow. i was literally speechless. i really wonder, does that sound like a reasonable compromise to him? looks like as long as my wallet/credit card is present for a date, my physical body can be excused from attending it. while i've always known that the dynamic was unhealthy, this ridiculous request made me snap out of it for real. i'll leave GD's final fate to the next point, which is...

dating someone else

another positive that came out of thursday's date with the straight guy was that he introduced me to another bi(?) guy. this guy says he can recognize beauty in women but feels no attraction to them, hence bi. i don't know...i can objectively say a woman is attractive, but i still identify as gay. well, it's a personal thing and i don't think there's a right or wrong. we talked for all of friday and saturday, before we arranged to meet up on sunday. he had a thing at yishun, so the initial plan was to take a bus over from his place in sengkang (not super-near to me), eat at yishun, then part ways when he had to go for his thing. over lunch, i enjoyed being around him so much that i asked him out for dinner after his thing was over...and he accepted. we talked all night and into the early hours, where he invited me to spend the night at his house because public transport had stopped. as i was still technically "with" GD at this time, nothing M18 happened because he didn't want to be a cheater. i respect his principles! we spent basically the whole night talking, maybe sleeping for only an hour or two. in the morning, i finally wrote a long goodbye message to GD (more than he deserved), sent it, then blocked him on every platform we shared contact details over. the instant after that, i asked this guy to be my boyfriend, and he agreed!

retired cousin once wrote me a prayer, back in 2014 (aka. the worst christmas ever™). it goes "I will pray for you to be happy, healthy and well. That you will find someone someday who makes your heart sing. That you will experience all the joy of life and love. And that people will accept you for you." even after coming-to 10 years, tears still fall when i read it. and today, even more tears fell because i think i may have found that someone in this guy. he's 6 years younger than me, and incredibly mature. like me, he believes in supporting each other and working together towards a common goal. he's sassy and makes me laugh. i never get tired of hearing him talk (ramble). he's not afraid to be vulnerable around me. he trusts me to take care of him. HE FINDS ME ATTRACTIVE, from my body type to my lazy eye! he's asked me at least 3 times in the past 36 hours, "where have you been all my life?" before following up with, "in japan!". we have interestingly-overlapping social circles too; both my old chemistry teacher and one of the chemistry guys' sisters taught him when he was in secondary school.

we just had a long video call to discuss if we were moving too quickly in the relationship. bearing in mind we first spoke 5 days ago and had our first in-person date just yesterday, perhaps i shouldn't have asked to date him this soon. i will say though, this experience reinforced that the way to make someone throw something away is to dangle an even shinier thing within grasp. i was so afraid of dropping GD because there was nothing similar around. when this shinier person came about, GD (who provided no value-add to me) was out on his butt so fast it'd make your head spin. at this point, me and this guy (still trying to choose his nickname) are dating, with the intention to inform our respective close(r) friend groups, and in his case, his family. those are HUGE moves which seem intimidating but i believe would help the relationship. they also tell me that we're moving towards a common direction, so that's reassuring.

just being with him brings about this calm energy and makes me interact with others way more nicely. stupidly cliche as it sounds i want to be the best version of myself for him. i've never experienced that thought with any of the exes i've dated so far. is this the motivating power of love? is this even love? i'd like to believe so, but considering the short duration of the relationship, it could be infatuation/puppy love. that's for tomorrow's well-rested me to discuss.

-random thought of the day: Sleep deprivation is hell.-

An incident with the guy yesterday made me reexamine this entire thing. to keep it short, he mentioned that he was going to buy his family a meal from his paycheck after working this week. i asked if he'd buy me something (cheap, like priced a couple of dollars at most) as well, and his response was basically "f off". he proceeded to tell me he was doing it only because his family was important to him (and what have i done for him?) and how i know he was trying to save money for the various things he wanted, yet felt ok with asking him to spend money on me. how is this guy's love language gifts again!? receiving gifts, sure, but it has to work both ways to be a love language, right?

due to this, he chose to go home after dinner and skip grocery shopping for ingredients that i was going to use to meal prep for him for the next few days since he has work. honestly, i felt kind of relieved that i wouldn't have to cook for him. cooking for someone is a way for me to express love for them, and pardon me for being rude, i feel like he isn't worth the effort now. he also sent me multiple messages last night detailing what he thought was wrong with me (boring and sensitive being two things he mentioned). i don't know...is it wrong to (1) have a small, maybe odd selection of interests/hobbies, (2) expect better treatment from someone who is supposed to be in a relationship with you? anyway...the plan is to play it cool from here on and see how things develop. i did consider maybe going down to his workplace later today to bring him dinner as a romantic/make-up gesture...but nah. maybe as much as i want this to work, he's too immature at this point. in a text conversation some days back, retired cousin mentioned she thought i could do so much better. i laughed when i read it!

i also picked up a book called "the obesity code" at the library yesterday, and as you might guess, it was about long-term weight loss. their solution, in addition to eating right, is to incorporate fasting into the daily routine. i mean it makes sense as well, eating zero (or minimal) calories on even one day will bring your average calorie consumption down by a lot across a week. and there are only so many calories you can ingest in a given period of time, so intermittent fasting also helps to control intake. good thing is i kind of do that already; i try to eat only between 12 and 6pm on most days (ie. an 18-hour intermittent fast), but it's not very strict. i don't even factor that in when arranging to meet friends for meals.

the book also mentioned fasting for longer periods of time, for up to 3 months? to clarify, their definition of "fast" isn't the complete abstinence from food and drink. liquids are still allowed, up to broths. i'm tempted to try it, but adding chia seeds to the mix as well - i have an idea for chocolate chia pudding that sounds pretty good. for starters, i think i could go for a bit more than a whole day without eating. this means stopping at dinner on day 0, not eating anything for day 1, and resuming eating midway through day 2. might try that out starting saturday night. not sure if i want to build up to a months-long fast (though the idea is tempting!)...maybe i'll target fasting for a week and see how i feel after that. i was just thinking that long-term fasting would save on my food costs too!

today is day 5 since my last gym session. i'm happy to report that the aches have all but faded. the recovery took longer than i imagined! makes me wonder if i went too hard already. perhaps i'll stick to the current weights until i can do 5 sets of 5 no problem. as for a gym schedule or membership...i'm going to put that on the backburner for now. after all, weight loss can be accomplished via diet alone, and gym/exercise is to build up muscles and accelerate/supplement the process. the idea now is to go maybe once or twice a week, activesg for now. i figured why not, since i have $100 or so in credits, and each visit costs $2.50 only. that's about 40 visits, meaning i might make it last between 5 and 10 months, depending on how often i go. i'll revisit the idea of a long-term gym subscription once i land a job and basically have more certainty in my life and finances.

big day tomorrow! got that date with the other guy. the plan is just dinner and we'll see what comes after. i'm not going into it with any expectations, least of all to get a relationship out of it. he seems more straight anyway, as he's been talking about meeting girls. quite interested to see what he'll do and what his final goal is with me. also, going to go down to a HSBC branch to close my account. tried to do it online, but no dice. since plan UK is off the table, i don't need the account there any more, plus not having to maintain a minimum sum in another account helps me to have more cash available. i should also think about getting the investment plan started; i figure the longer i wait, the longer it'll take to see returns.

-random thought of the day: How much to start investing?-

In an unexpected twist, the publishing company did not give me an offer. i thought the interview went well, and i'm pretty sure we ended it on a positive note. but well...it is what it is. i'm not too upset over it, considering i was questioning whether i'd be able to put up with china-accented english long-term. not to mention the prospect of a daily commute to and from jurong east. having said that...the problem of not having a job remains. it seems to still be an employer's market now. with luck, the interview later this week will go well.

more unexpected news. someone asked me out on a date! so i've been detailing the happenings with the guy online (not just here) and someone who read my posts reached out. he wanted to show me what a "proper" date should be like. as if that itself wasn't strange enough, this guy is supposedly straight and i'm the first guy he's asked out. maybe he's bicurious? he's also expressed willingness to hold hands, maybe do some kissing. not sure how far we'll go, but at least i have a ballpark range of acceptable activities. so far, i must say that i'm quite impressed. he's asked about my food preferences and other likes/interests. upon telling him about a song that's been stuck in my head recently, he recorded a piano version of it and sent it to me. in all my dating attempts so far, i'm usually the one doing the chasing. it feels nice to be wooed for a change! the date's set for thursday, and we're going for teppanyaki. that's about all the details i know so far. not going to lie, i'm actually pretty excited for this!

as for the guy, he told me yesterday that he wouldn't mind if i didn't get him the $800+ item, and that he would get it himself if i wanted to spend money on him in other ways. ok, he didn't phrase it like that exactly, but that was the gist of it. might be my brain going into suspicious mode, but it feels like he realized that he'd asked for too much, and is now trying to reduce or redirect the stakes. perhaps he picked up on the fact that i'm not the type to spend $800+ on a fashion item, but i'd be more ok with spending the equivalent amount on food (say, 40 $20 meals) or other things over a longer term. by going with the second route, he'll save enough money to buy the item himself - just that it's less romantic because i didn't get it for him. but hey, the end outcome is the same - he gets the thing. it really sounds like a scientific theory...maybe i should call this the principle of conservation of money!

separately, one other warning sign i'm picking up on is just the way he speaks to me. i mean, while being romantic and sappy would be nice if we're supposed to be seeing each other, it's not a requirement. my requirement is that my partner speaks to me with respect. does the line "you're starting to piss me off" sound respectful to you? for me personally, that's not a line i would use on people i care about. now that i think about it, it's not a line that i would use at all! my preferred expression would be something like "i'm starting to get annoyed/angry". anyway. i feel that him using harsh language to someone who he's supposedly with doesn't show consideration. and i'm increasingly seeing that he's more self-centred - always talking about what he wants, seldom (if ever) asking about me. i kind of broached the topic with him, and his reason (excuse?) was that he didn't want to pry into my personal life. this is coming from the guy who asked how much money i had in my bank account, mind you. unfortunately, i stupidly told him an approximate figure. so that will help him gauge how much he can squeeze out of me i guess.  i might have to drill it into his head that he's in no position to decide how i spend my money. and considering that my goal of getting a house comes first, he's going to get blood from a stone before i agree to big, frivolous purchases.

there was the alumni mid-autumn festival dinner yesterday. saw scary JC friend in person for the first time since her accident; she seems to be well. the alumni group love her because she's extroverted, likes drinking, and can drink well. looks like bringing her in was a good move. i also told her about the guy and the other guy who asked me out on a date. we're due to catch up on friday, by which time the interview will be over. so that's another thing to update her on! for now, more cleaning up and clothes disposal, followed by testing my new bicycle pump.

-random thought of the day: Feeling a little down.-

Relationships differ from person to person and couple to couple. that's today's captain obvious statement. having only one point of reference for a relationship so far, and with that point of reference being severely skewed, i have to admit that my perspective may not be the most well-developed. i guess i might need more exposure to how different people express and receive love. having said that though, my gold digger sense is going into high gear as far as the guy is concerned. maybe let me recount the past days' events first.

since the last post, i've seen him on wednesday, friday, and today. i'm actually kind of happy that he doesn't seem to mind seeing me relatively often, compared to the ex who was a once (max twice) a week kind of guy for dates. and i guess this is one point against the gold digger hypothesis - that he's willing to spend time with me even on inexpensive dates. of course, it could be part of a long con so maybe i shouldn't judge this either way. another thought is that he still benefits because i spend money on him even during so-called cheap dates. anyway, we went to the pasar malam at tampines on wednesday. not having been to one for at least 10 years, it was almost like going for the first time - so many things changed! the variety and selection of items for sale, to name two major things. i used to see things like chicken wings, satay, otah, ramly burgers. while most of the old classics are still there, more trendy things like rosti, knafeh, pizza, even ramen have made their way in as well. my opinion is that pasar malam food is completely not worth it, from both cost and nutrition perspectives. i'd probably only go for it if i had a specific craving to satisfy. and due to changes in my eating habits recently, i don't find myself craving that kind of food as much, or even at all. go me!

didn't do much on thursday except go get broccoli from the supermarket, so there's not much to say there. on friday, i went to the gym with him. tried to get back into the stronglifts routine. prior to that, my last trip to the gym was before JET...so 2020? or because of COVID, it might even have been 2019! perhaps it's a mercy that my data was lost when i changed phones, because i definitely had to start from scratch all over again. not having records of my previous weights lifted there mocking me helped my mental state for sure. even the initial weights that the app recommended were too heavy for some exercises - i had to drop weights for the bench press and i'm actually surprised i made it through the whole squat routine. that's resulted in me feeling horribly sore and achy today, to the point where i can't even go into a full squat without my hamstrings and quads screaming. due to it being an activesg gym, there were many people, which meant queueing for facilities. he got impatient towards the end and hurried me to leave. granted he still waited, but it just felt not nice to be rushed. at least he let me shower at his place (which was nearby) and we had a bit of a quiet moment, both of which i appreciated. not sure how i felt about him having to go to sentosa to watch the sunset with his supposed girlfriend, though.

today started off well, but ended badly. we went to a game event where creators were selling merchandise. was crowded as hell; there was a literal blockade of people looking at booths that was impossible to pass. i'm not one for crowds, but i still tried anyway. got a few stickers and met the artist who drew one of my favourite pictures of a character in final fantasy. even took a picture with a cosplayer dressed as my in-game NPC boyfriend. the cosplayer was female, apparently? but man, i saw she had what looked to me like soft male features while in costume. might have been a combination of her looks plus the character she was dressed up as, but she was totally my type! and that's probably the last time that sentence will come from me.

following lunch with my guildmates at jianghu hotpot, i went walking around orchard with the guy. that part was nice. what wasn't nice was him pointing out things he wanted and bugging me for expensive and (in my opinion, useless) presents. i mean, why buy a $800+ shawl, especially in singapore? worse is that prices go up to $1700 for a cashmere one, which he's also got his sights set on. he got upset when i made the offhand comment that he has expensive tastes, saying that it was offensive. is that a thing that people take offense over? the worst part is towards the end, he actually cried when i didn't commit to getting it for him for a birthday present. and in my brain, i was like, 'why??' i think my gold digger sense maxed out here, and we parted on an awkward note. he later messaged to...not apologize exactly, but to say that he didn't know what came over him at the time. this time, my brain went, 'you're being played!!!' i am 85% convinced, and the remaining 15% is trying to give the benefit of the doubt and believe that he's sincere but we're just viewing the situation from very different viewpoints. i guess the thing that didn't sit right with me was his insistence that i agree to spend that kind of money on him. $800 isn't a small sum! i really don't like getting pushed into spending money that i don't want to spend. there was this artist who hopped onto my final fantasy stream last month to advertise his commissions. he was so pushy! kept asking me to commission art from him even after i told him i was not in the financial position to do so. blocked and banned.

first off, we are fundamentally different people. i've had the privilege of growing up financially secure. not rich by any means, but i've had all my needs met - never having to go hungry or without shelter. i guess you could even say i experienced a bit of the "rich life" thanks to staying over with my cousins and being included for things like hotel buffet lunches and overseas trips. on the other hand, his parents are divorced, and i understand his mother did a stint in jail? he gets some allowance, which is meant to just cover his meals...meaning no savings. not good for someone who has expensive tastes! which begs the question, how did he develop such expensive tastes anyway!? he studies fashion, so maybe from there? or perhaps my childhood/adolescence was so sheltered that i wasn't exposed to luxury goods, and therefore never developed an attraction to them. really makes me wonder whether it's a nature or nurture thing. or maybe i was just a more sensible kid. whatever the case is, i still don't feel particularly attracted to luxury brands, and i'm pretty confident that i'm brand-blind for things like clothes and accessories because i prioritize functionality/usefulness over brand.

next, about how we express and receive love. my primary love language is physical touch, while my weakest is gifts. i'll say though, while gifts are still my weakest love language, i've come to better appreciate the acts of giving and receiving gifts. perhaps due to the ex? i guess because the ex was more willing to spend money on me than i was to on him, i never really felt like he was gold digging. i think i made up for it in other ways though, particularly in acts of service (driving him around everywhere). it's still not something i'll do on a grand scale, but picking up something small/meaningful for people seems more natural now. even then, i'm not the type to ask others for gifts. yes, i know i've posted gift requests on this blog before, but i totally do not expect anyone to get them for me. in fact, i'd be stunned if any of my 3-ish readers actually followed through on my requests!

so that's about giving love. i think i can do all 5 reasonably well. but as for receiving love...that's a bit trickier. especially for gifts, because the price/value of a gift seems to play a part too. the thing though, is that it shouldn't! i've heard people with gifts as their love language would be happy receiving anything as long as thought was put into it. even then, i can't deny that i'd be happier receiving a car as opposed to a pretty rock. one thing the guy said made me pause to think. it was "if you get it (the $1700 shawl) for me, i'll be loyal to you forever". is the reverse true? that he'd not be loyal to me if i didn't buy him the shawl? see, it's things like that that make me wonder how committed he is to me/the relationship vs. my money.

trying to understand it from his point of view, maybe he equates material things with security and love. like, he wants someone who is able and willing to provide for him. i don't think that's an unreasonable want. goodness knows i'd go for someone who'd drop $2000 on me too! i just don't understand why he'd choose to get something that has limited practical use in singapore...says the guy who has about 10 fountain pens and never really uses them. the problem comes when the cash dries up. will he feel unloved due to the lack of gifts and move on to someone else? this potential scenario really clashes with a core value of mine - that i'm in a relationship through thick and thin. the other love languages are sustainable regardless of financial status, so they're easier to maintain.

he also mentioned that one way he expresses love is to physically hurt people...and not in the fun, sexy way either! like, he was actively pinching me on the MRT. call me weak or whatever you want - i don't like pain, sexy or otherwise. if anyone else had continued to do that after being told nicely (and then less nicely) to stop, i'd have swept their legs out or something. and it makes me wonder - does an expression of love mean anything if the recipient doesn't perceive it as such? to put it in reverse, i show my love by physical touch, quality time, acts of service. it would suck if he took those for granted and still felt unloved after everything i'd potentially do for him.

playing devil's advocate for a moment, my own insecurities and biases could also be responsible for my thinking. see, i've told you before that i don't find myself attractive. so the thought here is, why would a tall young guy with pretty facial features and a decent body choose me over the hundreds of eligible (and more attractive) guys out there, if not for my money/earning power? especially when we have a huge age gap! at the same time, i know that i have my own attractive points as well. so maybe he sees some of those in me. he's also said that he could easily go for someone richer/more willing to spend on him, and that he didn't have to stick to me. that's true, by the way! my suspicious brain says he could think that letting this guaranteed fish go in hopes of hooking a bigger fish could be too much of a hassle or risk. or maybe he's sticking with me because i can put up with his BS; he did say his most recent ex (a guy) just up and ditched him one day after they'd been dating for a month saying that he'd had enough. not saying that i would do that, but i can kind of understand why he did it!

examining another problem, he's obsessed with getting buff, and is always comparing himself to guys we pass by. the thing is, his body is perfectly acceptable for someone of his age, size, and build! as much as i've tried to reassure him that he looks good to me, i acknowledge that one's self-perception is highly personal and it isn't my place to dictate how he should see himself. he also kind of let slip that he thinks he's above average and wants to be that way in all aspects, hence his dissatisfaction with his body now. if you ask me, i think his perspective has been corrupted by social media. his pinterest and tiktok are filled with hot, muscle-bound guys. personally i say there's nothing wrong with looking at muscular guys and drawing inspiration/motivation from them, but it should stop the moment it makes you feel bad/inadequate.

so, quoting a famous guns n' roses song, where do we go now? do i really want to invest my time, effort, money into this? i will say he's not as princess or introverted as the ex, which makes me happier. he's more willing to spend time with me, which i take as a positive sign. if there's one attribute of the ex's that i wish this guy had, it would be independence and the ability to spend his own money...but that's unfair. i think that if he wants me to invest (financially) in him, he's got to prove himself worthy. and the way he can do that is by making me feel valued/loved, supporting me, and just being a good partner. i hate that it still sounds transactional, although if i'm being real about it, there is a certain amount of transactionality in all relationships. each party has something that the other values, right? if not, why would people stick together? sigh. i guess like with all things, it's about taking a calculated risk here, and having both eyes open when making decisions. speaking of having both eyes open, i just noticed a not-good trend in that he rarely asks about me or even shows me care. i think it might be a matter of time before my logical brain flips out and beats my emotional/hopeful brain senseless.

man, that took a while! for events in the non-relationship sphere next week, i have the annual mid-autumn dinner with the alumni group. scary JC friend has integrated in so well that she's been invited too! apart from that, the only other big thing on my calendar is an interview with a research institution sometime later in the week (being purposefully vague here). the best case would be having the flexibility to choose from several offers, but honestly i'd be happy if even one went through. need to consider the tuition centre plan too. somehow it's still the most exciting to me at this point. but i can't deny that drawing a salary at least for the next few months (and even longer) would make me feel a bit more secure. am i confusing excitement with fear here? whatever it is, i should do something to make progress with it, be it talking to my friend, or finding out more about the process of starting a tuition centre.

-random thought of the day: Why am I continuing this interaction?-

Had an eventful 3-4 days since the last post. going to use the 10 sentences max per point rule again, but i may stretch it to 15 this time due to the amount of stuff. or maybe i'll stick with 10 to make it an exercise of my summarizing skills.

saturday

had the alumni gathering, where i met an old boy who was a chinese teacher in CJC while i was there as a student. we never crossed paths, though he knew my chinese teacher as they were colleagues. what on earth did we study for chinese in JC anyway? then met the guy for lunch plus a bit of a walk-around at bugis. it was nice, although i still sensed something amiss. finally, went to the chinese cultural centre to link up with my cousin and his family for a cultural show. the show was good; despite it being in chinese, i understood the vast majority of it without referring to the translated english subtitles which were thoughtfully displayed on TV screens. also went to explore the museum/exhibit, where my cousin beat me 9-0 in this game where you're supposed to pick ingredients to make local kopitiam drinks. we ended the day with dinner at sbcd (korean place known for their tofu) and took the train back home. i was quite impressed that he's teaching his kids how to take the train at such a young age.

sunday

most of the day was spent at home, recovering from the previous day. the guy called and we had a video call for most of the afternoon and into the evening. he was playing a game and got frustrated that he was losing, which caused his mood to worsen. i ended up as collateral damage too. guess it's a maturity thing, but i wouldn't take my frustration out on uninvolved parties. separately, another guy expressed interest in me, so we met up for a bit. he's not my type, but i think we can still be good friends.

monday

went down to jurong east for the interview with the publishing company. it went ok, i feel like i represented myself well enough. the hiring manager is china chinese, which meant china-accented english again. not sure if that will cause any communication issues if i get the job...which i'll know whether or not i do in 1-2 weeks. since i was in jurong, i also stopped by IMM to get gym shoes. contemplated track shoes as well, but decided against it as i don't foresee myself running much. got a pair of bright yellow adidas training shoes at 50% off! good thing i tried the shoes on physically instead of just going by the size chart - i had to get a size 13 to accommodate the width of my foot. also ordered a gym bag off shopee; the physical store didn't have the size i wanted (and it was cheaper online!). then went to harbourfront to meet one of the chemistry guys who proposed we start a tuition centre. is it weird that out of all the career options and job applications so far, this excites me the most? last thing was dinner with the guy (more accurately, i bought the guy dinner), plus walking around vivocity a bit. more warning signs popped up, but i'll talk about that later as i've already exceeded the sentence limit here.

tuesday

had lunch with my aunt at dian xiao er's parkway branch. the food was good (i especially liked the duck), but it was so expensive! i floated the idea of opening a tuition centre by her, and she was supportive! she even offered to invest in it, but i'm not too keen on that idea in case i end up losing her money. we went to pick up my older cousin's kids after their school and brought them to the arcade at vivocity to play for a bit before going back for dinner. i swear, i never want kids - even taking care of them on a relatively good day is so exhausting; i don't even want to experience the bad days. not to mention the expenses! i also found out about more family drama on the way to pick the kids up. we didn't discuss it in front of the kids, obviously. my other cousin came by later in the night and my uncle ended up giving the both of us a lift home. i told him about the tuition centre idea, and he was quite supportive too, although he did suggest a slightly different business model.

right, that's you caught up! i think that i should expand on a few things that i was unable to earlier because of the sentence limit. first is the guy. i'm increasingly getting the feeling that i'm being used as a personal ATM. could be a love language clash or something, i don't know. what i do know from observable phenomena are that he gets more affectionate after i buy him stuff. that's not reassuring at all. interestingly, he seems ok with small displays of affection in public - grabbing my arm, feeding me. at the same time, he gets irritable if i say or do something he's not happy with. maybe it's me, but i think that you should show someone special to you a bit more consideration. which leads to the question: am i special to him? he's not been as communicative recently, but that could also be because of stress from school and other areas of life. the bottom line is i don't feel i'm getting out as much as i put into this interaction. and if this goes on for too long, resentment will build. should address this asap.

next, about business. i've heard that there are only 2 ways to get rich: inherit wealth, or start a business. of course, the "rich" here would bring to mind millionaire-level rich. inheritance is out of the question (more dirty laundry), so business it is. at this point, i think i'm at the "ignorance" stage - i don't know what i don't know. while i trust my friend to make good business decisions, i can't be completely clueless either. my aunt cautioned me to get everything in black and white, due to her own experience in trusting friends. i was planning to anyway, but i appreciated the reminder. everything is still quite up in the air at this time, by the way. i think i'll probably go sit in on a couple of my friend's classes, then teach a few classes of my own to get a feel for the curriculum and style. if i think it's a fit, then i'll move on with the plan. incidentally, it seems like i'll have to teach maths. not my favourite thing in the world, but at shouldn't be too bad at the sec 1 and 2 levels.

health-wise, i've been good about monitoring my intake. not being super religious about it, but definitely eating less and trying to move about more. surprisingly, i haven't had any cravings for snacks or sweet stuff. i think that's a step in the right direction! maybe the protein shake fulfills it? anyway, i've also started fibre supplements. just had my first one last night, and i hope you won't think it's too gross when i say i had a really smooth bowel movement earlier. i could get used to this healthy living stuff!

-random thought of the day: Seeing the guy later today again.-