Nagoya went well. unlike my usual full-ish itinerary, most of this trip was spent relaxing and basically doing nothing. my main objective was to meet 2 friends, and the secondary objective was to visit the science museum. the latter didn't happen because it was closed for some reason or another for the duration of my stay. ah well.

meeting my friends was nice. one of them is a JET based in a town outside of the main nagoya city. she's got a japanese boyfriend, who is slowly being brainwashed um, educated about singapore. he can hum the first few bars of the national anthem, which i think is amazing! and during their trip to singapore over the new year, he managed to memorize the MRT stations from the airport to city hall. even i, a native singaporean, can't do that. we talked about various things, mostly about japan and post-JET plans. i find it really amazing that her dream is to open a guesthouse in japan. it's a perfectly respectable dream to have, just that i don't see myself having it. i've told her that i'd love to visit and bring friends over though!

the second meeting was with an online friend, who i got to know while playing final fantasy. he's japanese, but he's one of the few japanese people who are interested in cultures beyond japan. he said that if he had a time machine, he would go back and tell his secondary school self to study english only. i wish my kids could see things through his eyes. anyway, we had a very fulfilling day. interesting sights at the aquarium, and lots of good food before and after. although i think that having been to 3 or 4 aquariums in my life so far (singapore, akita, nagoya, osaka), i've seen enough of them to last me for the next 10 or 15 years.

for solo activities, i went to explore the gay district of nagoya city. popped into a gay bar after reading some internet reviews, and the helpful bartender gave me a map of all the gay bars in the district, along with information like their typical clientele, rest days, etc. i found that brilliant. you'd never see that in singapore! so i did some bar-hopping and visited 5 places over 3 nights. the first night was by far the best. in addition to the extremely positive/welcoming first experience, i met a cute guy at the second place i went to. he's also from out of town, and just visiting. sadly, nothing happened beyond some hand-holding and a goodnight kiss. i was telling scary JC friend that i felt it odd to be happy despite nothing really coming out of the whole encounter. she said that even if nothing happened, it's still a great memory. i suppose that's a better way to look at it than my default of "what could have been/what i missed out on".

somehow, i don't think i'm suited for this whole gay bar thing. for one, most people smoke. and it's expensive - between 1800 to 2500 yen for cover charge and 1 or 2 drinks. even more unworthwhile for me because i don't drink alcohol! what came as a culture shock to me was that some bartenders would ask you to buy them drinks, sort of as "payment" for them talking to you and entertaining you (you are kind of "assigned" a bartender when you come in). also, most of them are small places, so your odds of meeting someone you'd like to take things further with is low. i remember jedi master once telling me how he felt that the whole rigmarole of getting dressed up, going to the bar, paying for overpriced drinks, chatting people up was such a chore, but he persisted due to his hope of finding "the one" there. the irony is that his current partner of about 25 years was introduced to him by a mutual friend of theirs!

this trip has been good for me, in that it's gotten me excited about venturing beyond this small town. it's shockingly easy to fall into a comfortable routine here, and scarily, to forget about the outside world. getting reminders of what else is out there helps energize me and makes me look forward to the next adventure. it's also got me thinking about my future...particularly, whether a partner will feature in it or not. previously, i'd thought i'd be ok being single. now...i'm less certain. i think it's because i've joined a few gay community discord servers, and the sense of fellowship/support i get there is quite strong. i've also met more people with unique experiences vs. myself, like interracial couples, polyamorous people, people in open relationships, couples with large age gaps, to name some off the top of my head. i guess that my idea of "a relationship" has largely been influenced by the "gay standard" popularized by social media in singapore. it goes something like: find a guy who's got a pretty face and nice body, preferably without a drug habit. don't worry too much about his character. get together after exchanging nude photos and/or hooking up. break up after a few weeks/months due to someone cheating, backstabbing, family pressure, or just plain loss of interest. sad, isn't it? singapore's gay scene is superficial more than anything, and lasting relationships are rare. not saying that it isn't so in other countries, just that i feel it's especially so in singapore.

*NSFW/TMI warning starts* being in rural japan, in a town catered mostly to young families and senior citizens, my dating pool is basically zero. i would not be surprised if you told me i was the only gay person in this town! i remember trying my luck and downloading an app, only to find that the nearest gay person was over 80km away. it's amazing how i've managed to stay 3 years here! although for full disclosure, i've been talking to people online to uh...resolve certain needs. and i've been quite firm to myself that i can't afford to get emotionally attached to the people i meet online, mainly because of geographical distance and how difficult it would be to pursue a relationship.

here comes the wrench. i met someone who ticks all my boxes physically. my ideal type of body; i would literally not change a thing about what i've seen of him. on top of that, he seems to have a good job and be quite a nice guy too, and we both seem to have fun together. over time, i found myself starting to become attached to/possessive over him, which is bad. what makes it worse is that due to how he looks and one particular ability that he has, he's in high demand, so i don't get as much time with him as i want. i know that we're not exclusive and all that, but it still kind of sucks to be turned down when there are other waiting for their turn.

realistically, i also know that we won't end up together, at least, not with our current wants, expectations, and life directions. so i'm trying to remind myself of that while enjoying what we have whenever i can. meeting him has both given me hope and made me worry more. the worry is that i'm not making an effort to date such a seemingly perfect guy (although admittedly circumstances are out of my control), and it could be seen as me giving him up. the hope comes in the form of: if there's one guy like this, surely there are more out there who would be willing to enter a into similar arrangement with me? maybe this is my start of exploring alternate relationship structures. or maybe i'm just turning promiscuous. one of the people i talked to recommended that i read a book titled "the ethical slut". haven't got a chance yet due to the trip, but i'll read it before leaving japan. at the end of the day, i think the key guiding principles are that everyone should be satisfied, and nobody should be harmed. easier said than done, though.

do i want to play the dating game? go through the "dress up, go to a bar, buy drinks, chat guys up" routine? not particularly, if i'm being honest. more importantly, if i want to play the game, i still have a lot of work to do on my physical appearance to conform to what most people would think of as "attractive". not forgetting there are some things that i can't change due to genetics - height, for an SFW example. the sucky thing is that all this could still be for naught - i'm not guaranteed to find a partner even after going through all that hard work. i also wonder if the expectations i set regarding my own appearance are too high. for singapore, the ideal type is basically slim and muscles...and i'm nowhere near that. perhaps i need a wider perspective and a wider dating pool, both of which i hope the UK will be able to provide. *NSFW/TMI warning ends*

well, that's most of my thoughts for the past week. as of now, there are a little over 9 weeks until i'm due to go back. and if my calculations are right, i have 19 working days to go, meaning i'm working an average of 2-ish days a week. the non-work days won't be all relaxing, though...granted, there will be a lot of relaxing (including a trip to fukuoka!), but there will also be cleaning, packing, errands, selling things, etc. i think it'll be fine.

-random thought of the day: Is it just me, or do people in Nagoya smell good?-

During my downtime in schools, i've been looking and relooking at my calendar/leave forecast. i literally have no more 5-day work weeks, and the thought of working 5 days a week actually sounds quite scary now. i'm sure it's just temporary, and will evaporate once i start something new.

my nagoya trip is tomorrow! guess who hasn't packed yet? i'll probably travel light, and may even consider posting some stuff (souvenirs maybe?) back instead of having them take up luggage space. the goal is to travel light and reuse clothes. hopefully the airline will let me carry the small luggage on, so i can avoid wasting time at the baggage claim. i'm also going to travel smart, by putting my shoes in my bag and not wearing a belt. that way i can breeze through security. but before that, the goal is to pack before i sleep tonight, because it's a morning flight tomorrow. leave the house at 7, reach the airport at 8, well in time for my flight. i don't really have an agenda, probably just going to take it nice and slow, find some good eats, and hopefully not come down with COVID this time!

-random thought of the day: Thinking that I forgot something...-

Since maybe a few days ago, this song has been running through my mind.

i first heard it when one of my secondary school schoolmates sang a version of it when he appeared on singapore idol way back when. funny how i've literally not thought about it for years before this recent time. and of all the times to think about it - today's valentine's day. not that i have any reason to identify with the song, since i'm single and not pining for my last ex. i did some mental maths and realized that come september this year, it'd have been 7 years since we broke up. and you know what they say, your body replaces all its cells every 7 years or so. in a way, it's like every part of me that was ever touched by him (not that that were that many anyway), suddenly never was. yes, i recognize that it's too melodramatic for me. the breakup wasn't that big of a deal. i've had plenty of time to process it and i've moved on, to the point where seeing him in public wouldn't affect me. i'd just go past him like he was another random person in the street.

the last post was only...2 days ago? nothing interesting's happened since then, which i suppose is within expectations. exams are starting, first for the graduating students in these 2 weeks, then for the rest of the students in march. more opportunities to take leave! maybe it's ORD mood, but i'm really feeling less excited to go to work now, because most classes feel low-energy and one-way. the sian feeling mostly wears off once i'm actually in the school building, so that's good. anyway, happy valentine's day! i hope you're spending it with someone you love, be it a partner, family, friends, or just yourself. self-love is important too, ok!?

-random thought of the day: So much food to clear before the trip.-

Isn't it great when things somehow line up? the 2 days of CNY this year were saturday and sunday, which means that monday (today) is a public holiday in singapore. yesterday was japan's founder's day, so we get today off too. completely unrelated, but nice! although there aren't any CNY celebrations here, i still feel an odd sense of solidarity since i'm not working for the same 3 days as people in singapore.

sadly, some things that didn't line up well were my job applications. got a rejection from the firm i had a significant amount of hope in. so much for the dragon year being my year and bringing me luck! ok, to be fair, the rejection came before CNY, so it's still counted as the previous lunar year. separately, the firm that re-rejected me confirmed that they wouldn't revisit my application this year, despite my new visa status and everything. the most annoying thing was that the HR person copy-pasted the EXACT rejection template she'd used earlier. no edits in view of the new info, nothing. it left a bad taste in my mouth. but would i apply for it next year, assuming (touch wood) that i haven't landed anything by then? ...yes. desperation, maybe.

apart from any new vacancies that appear in the coming months, this leaves one last firm that i have hope for in the UK. realistically speaking, my chances are low. but considering that they've been responsive in the recruitment process and encouraged me to apply again outside of their typical hiring season, i can't help but feel that there might be hope, and they want me to physically be in the UK or to have an expected arrival date before they extend an offer. of course, it could all be just to entertain (chinese - 应酬) me. i wouldn't know until they reject my application, and even then, it could be for a legitimate reason.

one JET friend said she likes to use the end-of-year reflective period to think about where she wants to be in 1, 3, 5, 10 years, and see if her life trajectory is taking her in that direction. this is probably an exercise that i should have done in the new year's post, but better late than never, right?

1 year later (february 2025, 36 years old): employed in an IP firm, preferably in the UK or in singapore as a second-best option. cycling to work and otherwise keeping active, spending some time socializing and dating. alternatively, working as a chemist for plan australia.

3 years later (february 2027, 38 years old): nearing the end of my visa term. if in the UK, successfully negotiated for visa sponsorship or already having it. finished a graduate diploma IP course, whether in singapore or the UK. if in singapore, be living on my own. ideally, passed at least 1 paper of the qualifying exams. maybe in a steady relationship. alternatively, working as a chemist while waiting on or having received the invitation to apply for australian PR.

5 years later (february 2029, 40 years old): on a skilled work visa in the UK, fully qualified as a patent attorney or taking the last exam. enjoying work, not super worried about finances. in a similar situation if in singapore. settled down with a partner, possibly looking into a civil union? alternatively, gained australian PR and working in an IP firm there.

10 years later (february 2034, 45 years old): climbing the ranks, maybe with some trainees of my own. taking a more managerial role, but still doing technical stuff now and then. having a peaceful, happy life outside of work. alternatively, doing the same thing, but in australia.

it's not super detailed, like i didn't include stuff about family and friends. but for now, this'll do. the 2 main takeaways that became really more apparent to me are: (1) plan australia contradicts me looking for an IP job now; and (2) i want to end up in IP more than i want to end up as a chemist. so...how can we reconcile all this? well, i guess the first thing is to recognize that the long-term/bigger goal is IP, which may necessitate taking some detours. next is to decide where i want to be based in the future. if it's the UK or singapore, then the current plan of looking for work in an IP firm is the way to go. if it's australia, then i should be focusing on getting chemist jobs now since that will count towards my skilled experience, whereas IP won't. and working in the UK will look better on my resume than working in singapore...at least, that's my impression.

i guess this is where the proverbial fork in the road is. and if i'm reading the situation right, rather than me actively making a choice, circumstances will choose the path for me. the updated plan is, i will try to apply to that last firm where i'm hoping to get hired. if they hire me, i guess plan australia will need to be reconsidered. in the more likely scenario that they don't hire me, i'll apply to chemist jobs in the UK. would i consider a postdoc position? hard to say...i'll leave it as a "maybe". then after working at that job for a year, i'll send in an expression of interest for australian PR and see where that takes me. for the record, i HATE all this uncertainty! i usually tell myself that it's an experience, that it's the journey more than the destination, but it gets me worried that i'll take too long, or worse, won't arrive at my intended destination at all. it would be so much simpler if the nankai earthquake happened while i was asleep and the earth just swallowed me up! again, i'm not suicidal. it's not suicide if it's out of my control, right? idle thought for possible further development: considering any other job outside of IP as a means to an end.

health-wise, i've not been very good. been sleeping late every day for the past 2-ish weeks. it's a consequence of imbalances in other areas of life, which are also causing me some stress. it's not even work-related, which is stupid. at the risk of going TMI, i'll just say that the biggest drawback about living in this rural place is that there are no dating (and other things) opportunities...literally zero. and maybe it's the thought of the coming big change, but i've become more affected by it, hence going on the internet to meet people. and some people live in different timezones. and then it becomes self-perpetuating; not enough sleep -> worse mood -> more desire to meet people to take mind off bad mood -> even less sleep...you get the idea. most most importantly, i need to remind myself that these internet things are casual. considering that the majority of people i talk to are not even in the same country, i'm not expecting a relationship to come out of this. which means i shouldn't be investing this much. and here i was thinking that we'd built at least some connection! it'll get better, i'm sure of it. just that the feeling sucks now.

hopefully this post will have gotten rid of most of my negative energy. i'll probably be better after a nice sleep. also in other things to look forward to, my nagoya trip is this sunday, and i'll be spending almost 5 days or so there, meeting a JET friend and a streaming friend. then, to fukuoka in mid-march to meet the former singaporean JET nearest to me. i forgot exactly, but i have about 14 leave days planned in march, and 12 leave days planned in april. the end is truly approaching. it's not all fun, games, and travel, though. i've got a bunch of cleaning and logistics to settle.

-random thought of the day: Get over it! There are more important things to tackle.-

Thinking more deeply about what i said in the last post, i realized it's not that i want time to pass faster. rather, i want things to happen quicker. sounds like a case of same difference, but it actually isn't. see, i'd be perfectly happy to wait until 30 april to go back to singapore. but i really want to settle the future job thing ASAP, so i can plan. because as it is now, i feel like i'm flying semi-blind and with outdated maps. all i know is that i'm set to leave japan on 30 april, and i have to be in the UK by 22 june. that gives me just over 6 weeks in singapore. i'm sure i'll be able to do whatever i need to in that time, plus plan in more detail for the UK.

but that's the issue...all i have now are dates, and only those dates! i don't even know if i'll land a job, and if i do, where it will be based! i suppose it would have to be in a major city, because i don't see small rural towns having a need for an IP firm. there are  firms with offices in cambridge and oxford though, but i don't know if they count as towns or cities. or maybe the universities there need IP services. back to the point, there are still a ton of unknowns, and i don't like it.

one firm which i'd reapplied to re-rejected me, citing that they're unable to relook at rejected applicants in the same year. and my first response was "why the hell not!?" isn't that an arbitrary rule they made up? i sent them a reply emphasizing my new visa status. not expecting much, but i'd be pleasantly surprised if they agreed to reconsider my application.

at my last count, i have slightly more than 20 working days left. you'd think that that would mean that i would be just coasting along and marking off the days. but i'm not. aside from eiken practice, i've also started to notice that one of the kids in the smaller school is quite...hostile(?) to me. nothing super bad, but i get the impression that he doesn't want me around. i just wish i knew why! my top guess is because i'm a foreigner, but even that has gaps in logic. i should probably state that i'm not going to try and change his opinion, but i'd at least like to know the reason for his thinking. i find following rational thoughts to be comforting. and even if i don't agree, i can see the logic and understand the reason for a certain behaviour. and also, irrational/inexplicable behaviour unsettles me a bit - think psychopaths - because i can't understand it. i remember reading a story of someone hurting another person (like smashing their head into a glass panel or something) because they wanted to feel what causing pain was like. that's too deep for this post, i think. maybe i'll expand on it in the future. as for that kid, my plan is to talk to the teachers. my japanese isn't good enough to say "stop with that CB attitude; i couldn't care less if you lived or died", so i'll see if the teachers can put it across more diplomatically.

-random thought of the day: Haven't been cycling at all since the term started!-

February's here! doesn't feel that long since i was down with COVID, but here we are almost a month later. i've still got some food left over from the osaka/kobe trip (one bak zhang, to be exact, plus some pastes and spices), and some ingredients. shouldn't have any trouble finishing them off. the plan is to finish the food before my next trip, which is in a bit more than 2 weeks. this time, i'm going to nagoya, to meet one of the JETs based there, as well as a japanese streamer friend. it'll be my first time there, and i'm looking forward to it!

recently, i've been feeling a bit restless and wishing for time to pass faster. it's kind of irrational, because having more time is a good thing. also because i actually need the time to settle the remaining outstanding things that i have left. i'm going to try to get things done little by little - packing up my clothes, for example, starting with things that i am not likely to use. i should also figure out suitcase allocation. have i mentioned that i'm going to try to bring my futon and huge thick blanket back? seems like a waste of luggage space (it probably is) but i figured that the odds of finding a second-hand buyer for them would be low. i might take them to the UK to get the most value out of them, who knows?

today, i did something that i should have done a while ago. back in november or so last year, i got in touch with a UK recruitment firm which specializes in placements in the IP industry. they were unable to help with my specific case, but they did pass on a list of IP firms to me. although i'd applied to about 60% of the firms on that list already, i decided to get a bit smarter about it. so what i did was cross-reference the list of prospective employers with a list of approved sponsors provided by the UK government, to get a list of firms where i should focus my efforts. good news is, the 3 top choice firms now are all on this list, and there are several other firms that i haven't contacted yet. so that's something that will help me kill time in the future - sending out more applications! there are also a couple of law firms with IP departments, but i'm not too sure how the quality of training will be like in those places. if possible, i'd like a dedicated IP firm.

so far, there's been nothing heard from singapore. i decided to check in on the law firm, and saw a new profile on their website. yet, their job ad is still up. makes me wonder if they're expanding, or if they'd simply forgotten to take the ad down. of course, the person could have been hired a while ago, and only had their profile put up on the website only after they'd passed probation. whatever the case, it looks like my odds won't be that good since the new person is a chemist too. ah well. maybe it's a sign that the UK is the right next step for me.

got tomorrow off as well, so that's the perfect time to start some small packing and rubbish disposal. not forgetting to take pictures of things to sell too. hopefully some things sell; having more money would be nice.

-random thought of the day: Sleep schedule is messed up.-