Just because i'm in a relationship, it doesn't mean that i'm going to forego/forget things that are important to me. i continued my tradition of year-end posts when i was with the ex, and i plan on doing the same now that i'm with L. of course, some compromises may have to be made, like i'm writing this post in the afternoon while he's at work instead of the usual practice of writing it at night, because we have date plans later.

i've got a good idea of what the theme should be. the idea i have in my mind is "______ing roots". the problem is finding the best verb to fit in that blank. some candidates i thought of using include "establish", "sink", "strengthen", but none of them really resonate with me. perhaps i'll go more general and just say that this year's theme is just "roots". that actually sounds better, considering all that's happened.

as you can see, this year was my attempt to find my place in the world - literally! hard to believe that 365 days ago, i was still in japan. since then, i've tried the UK, and ultimately decided on singapore. feels like one of those stupid movie plots where the hero goes off to far-flung places in search of treasure, only to realize that the treasure was buried in his backyard all along. there's no place like home, maybe? in a way, it's made me appreciate how convenient having citizenship is.

actually, let's estimate the proportion of time spent in each country this year. japan: 4 months or 33.3%. UK: 2.5 months or 20.8%. that leaves singapore: 5.5 months or 45.8%. that's a lot more even than i thought it would be! feels like i did more in singapore, but that might just be because more significant things happened here.

looking back, i'd say this year had higher ups and lower downs, but it was overall good. way to go, dragon year! my archives show that i didn't write a birthday post this year, so i should state that i've completed my third full chinese zodiac cycle. i guess i have the dragon year magic to thank for landing a job within the year. the only thing i feel slightly regretful about in that area is not asking for a higher pay. my cousin told me during a recent family lunch that only in singapore and malaysia, candidates should ask for a single figure instead of quoting a range, because companies will more often than not offer the lower limit of the range. that's exactly what happened in my case! he also told me that i should have asked for a monthly figure that's $300 more than what i put down. but well...i'm grateful that i already landed the job. and who knows? they might have declined if they felt i was asking for too much. now that i have my foot firmly wedged in the door, the goal is to look for ways and means to get increments/promotions. that starts with passing my 9-month(!) probation.

regret is something i try not to do. instead, i frame things as learning experiences. having said that, i'm going to do something uncharacteristic and think - if i could go back to end-2023 with my current knowledge and set myself up for a successful 2024, what would i do differently? first of all, i wouldn't apply for the UK visa. that would save me a bunch of money and 2.5 months of time. i would have also stayed the full term on JET. that would give me 3 more months of salary while i applied for jobs back in singapore, and i would have avoided the whole conflict with the prefectural office. alternatively, i might have applied for this job a year earlier and left in end-2023. i would also not have bothered so long with GD. instead of trying to see the good in him and hoping for something to come out of that interaction, i should have treated it transactionally from the start.

but you know what they say, things happen for a reason. remember i mentioned that my mentor figure told me not to go to the UK, and that in my shoes, he would rip the visa out of my passport? although i ultimately gave up on the UK, it would have been different if i'd given up without trying. i'd probably still be wondering 'what if?' and be harbouring a fair amount of resentment to anyone who convinced me not to go. i guess you could say i spent $6000 in visa fees, $2500 in air tickets, and $2500 in living expenses ($11000 total!!?) to learn that lesson and gain the experience of living in the UK. and if i didn't go through all that rubbish with GD, i wouldn't have had the chance to meet L. that short period of suffering is worth it for a potential lifetime of happiness. as it is, i've been dating L for around the same time or slightly longer than my interaction with GD, and that investment's already paid itself off.

could it be that i'm still in the honeymoon phase? 3 months isn't exactly a short time, but it's by no means long, either. i wonder if it's because we're older, we're kind of speeding through the dating process. i will admit that i get stabs of uncertainty sometimes, especially when he teases me. i know that he doesn't mean it and he's in it with me for the long haul, but it feels bad in the moment. he says it's rooted in my trauma and he wants to get to the bottom of it. maybe i should talk more; he might find something in what i think is inconsequential nonsense.

well, that about sums up my year. i'm grateful not only for my time on JET, but also that there's a support network in the form of the JET alumni association. the singapore chapter appears to be decently active, and the members seem nice enough. don't think i'll be gunning for a position of power there at this point, but i'm ok with attending events and talking about japan. it's like what the president said when she gave me a lift after the end-of-year party last saturday - you can talk endlessly about JET to people who have never been, but they still won't get you on the same level that an ex-JET will. while it sounds a bit elitist/exclusive, i agree with it. after all, JET is an experience, and unless you've actually lived it, you won't understand some of the struggles that we faced. no, going there as a tourist doesn't count! actually, i'm sure even though i'm an ex-JET, i can't fully empathize with the JETs who came in with zero japanese. that's a whole other level of adventurous.

for the future, i'm looking forward to bigger and better things next year, including more time with L, working towards getting my (our) own place, and finally earning a bit more money. as usual, i'll go into detail about next year's things tomorrow. that's another tradition i'm not giving up!

-random thought of the day: Grateful for all the experiences this year.-

L's back at work today after more than 2 weeks of leave, and i'm home alone blogging. had to wait for a delivery ordered by his best friend. she sent him (us?) a box of chocolate figurines and another tin of i'm guessing regular chocolate. can't wait to crack them open with L tonight! we also went to her place yesterday for a christmas gathering with that friend group. it was nice. i got along pretty well with them even though i'm the so-called "outsider" to the group. hopefully we'll see more of each other in the future.

so for this post, i thought i'd focus more on work. with the reporting date being about 10 days away, i want to focus my attention there and go in with some sort of baseline or game plan. more practically, i have to figure out what to bring, transportation, and other logistics. on the other extreme (abstractness vs. practicality), i also want to talk about how i'm going to approach this whole idea of work/this job.

let's go practical first. i've received my day 1 instructions, which are to report at 9:30am. i'll aim to reach the office building at 9:15 to give myself some buffer time and breathing room. the HR people were nice enough to send my day 1 schedule over, and it looks quite well-paced. not like we're doing that much anyway, but i appreciate that they still blocked off some time for "training admin", aka. free-ish time. i'm also apparently receiving a company laptop, so getting the big backpack seems to have been a good decision.

that thought links to what i should pack. in my primary schooldays, i never really packed/organized my bag that much, and that resulted in me bringing books/materials that were unneeded on certain days. it was only when the textbooks got too heavy in secondary school that i started to pay more attention to bag organization. while i doubt that my bag will be that heavy again, optimizing the weight of my bag will be kinder on my old bones. let's do a list of things that will/might go in my bag:

- company laptop + accessories

- pencil case (to figure out what to put in there as well)

- 2 or 3 files for papers

- notebook

- lunchbox container

- water bottle

- change of clothes on gym days

- gym shoes or slippers (in rainy weather)

- power bank + USB cable (routed within bag)

- umbrella

- earphones

i think those should be the essentials? looks like everything should come in under 10kg, depending on the model of laptop i'm given, of course. as mentioned above, i'll still have to sort my pencil case out, and maybe decide to bring a completely new notebook instead of continuing the one i used while on JET. the latter seems more befitting of a fresh start. time to reexamine my notebook collection!

as for lodging and transportation, i'll be going from L's place, which has a direct bus. downside is that it takes about an hour, possibly even longer due to morning traffic. the alternative of taking the bus to serangoon and changing to the MRT takes about the same time, so that double sucks. i'm hoping that the orientation will mention a hybrid work model. even one day's reduction in commuting requirements would be a blessing. as for after work, i have a few direct buses to L's workplace. considering he ends later than me (assuming no overtime), i can go pick him up before we head home together. seriously...it feels a bit like married life! but i'm not complaining. an alternative to this plan would be to stay with my aunt, but that will only happen in the latter half of the year earliest as my cousin is asking to move back in while he finds a new place closer to his daughter's school. he naturally gets priority since my aunt is his mother and he gets priority anyway because he's doing it for his kid. for the record, i'm not upset with him at all. while it would be way more convenient for me to stay at my aunt's place due to the distance (short enough to make cycle commuting a possibility), he needs it more than i do. the current consensus is that we'll open up this discussion again once he's found a place to buy and move into. besides, if i'm feeling crazy enough, i might try to cycle from L's place to the office. that would be an excellent way to get my cardio in!

here's where i talk about what i want to do at work, and where the line starts to blur from tangible to intangible. some people work only so that they can earn money to do the things they want to. on the more idealistic side, there are those who work because they enjoy the job, or feel a certain sense of calling/fulfillment. i think both are important. living in singapore, i know that money is important. at the same time, JET has shown me that i need things beyond money to keep me engaged in a job. the key is to find a balance. another thing i realized on JET is that i can be too obliging. going for after-school activities, having extra eiken prep sessions, all past my official knock-off time. so the plan is to participate in company things and to do my best for the company, but at the same time giving more weight to my life outside of work. what this means in tangible actions is that i will do my best to leave the office on time. i realize that a possible reason for me often staying late in japan is because there was nothing waiting for me at home. with a partner in the mix, i would imagine that the excitement of seeing him should outweigh most reasons to stay late!

on the interpersonal side, i'm also going to be...reserved, is the best way to put it i think? like, i'm not there to make friends. to quote my old guild leader, "friendship can't clear content". of course having one more friend is better than having one more enemy, but my main purpose in the office isn't to socialize. letting friendships form organically seems to be the way to go here. i will help others out whenever i can, but not when it threatens to compromise my own well-being. having said that, i still have no idea who else is in my cohort. considering the specialized nature of the work, my guess is that they should come from either NUS or NTU if they're local. might see a few familiar faces, for all i know!

guess that wraps it up for now...i have other thoughts regarding my daily routine and things i want to fit in it, but that will have to wait until i start work, so i have a better idea of my own energy levels and my capacity for doing things before/after work. these things include going to the gym, meal prep, laundry, and any other tasks/chores that come up. this is probably the best i can do at this point. don't want to overprepare and then be at a loss if some of the actual conditions should be different than what i assumed while planning. it's important to be flexible!

-random thought of the day: More things to move over to L's place.-

Experienced a few new things over the past week. first time (in a long time) driving regularly in singapore, first time on a cruise, first time in an escape room. apart from recounting those events, i also want to talk about an extended family lunch and some realizations i had. if there's still brain space, i'll then talk about starting work.

one of the chemistry guys was going overseas, and he lent me his car with the condition that i bring it to the workshop after a weekend. the amount of trust he has in me to propose something like that...i'm quite humbled. thankfully, i delivered the car to the workshop in time and with no new damage. the 2.5 days of having a car at my disposal reminded me how convenient having a personal vehicle is. it was also extremely easy to fall into the trap of driving frivolously. like, L and i will usually eat within walking distance of home if we don't have plans to be elsewhere. but having a car allowed us to venture further...at the cost of petrol and parking fees, of course. i don't think it's necessarily good to drive out just because you can, but i also have to admit that an occasional change in scenery is nice.

driving for those few days got me thinking about affording a car in singapore. from past experience, i know that maintaining a second-hand car is doable on my salary. but then there's been a bunch of inflation and my priorities have also shifted. i won't deny it - it's tempting! especially with all the bells and whistles that newer models seem to have. gone are the days of connecting to the car audio system via a 3.5mm jack; it's all either USB or bluetooth now. reminder to self: it's not a need. it's just a want. i can do without a car until i'm more financially stable.

it just occurred to me that i've travelled by plane before travelling by boat. seems like the sequence is wrong...it should be over land, then sea, then air, right? i actually don't know how that ranking is derived. cost, maybe. anyway, my first experience on a cruise was overwhelmingly positive. the service was excellent, food was freely available, and there were so many things to do! the ship was practically a hotel on the water, and i regret not agreeing to a longer voyage.

but perhaps a short first trip was the way to go. after all, i wasn't sure if i'd be seasick so we erred on the side of caution. i wasn't, by the way; the ship was super stable with no lurching and only the slightest swaying. the fact that i severely underestimated the size/scale of the ship also meant that i severely underestimated the number of people on board. i might have misheard, but i think one of the staff said that the kitchens prepared meals for 30000 people daily? let's say that there are 8 decks set aside for guest accommodation and 100 rooms per deck. if each room is occupied by 2.5 people on average, that would amount to 2500 people. add another maybe 1000 staff for 3500. maybe i misheard or the staff misspoke. whatever it is, that's still a huge scale!!

the problem with having that number of people in a small-ish space is that the population density is high. and with people more likely to exhibit entitled behaviour while on holiday, let's just say i had a few unpleasant encounters. one of the more notable ones was this woman filming a live performance on a large screen. she held it up so high, too! thankfully i wasn't directly blocked by her, but it was irritating enough that i made sure to identify her and call her an idiot as she walked past after the show ended. i  don't understand why people can't just live in the moment and appreciate the show. it's not like they'll rewatch the recordings very frequently, right? although she might in this case, since i noticed that she only recorded when a muscular shirtless guy was performing acrobatic stunts. there were also parents setting bad examples for their kids, and i made sure to let them know what i thought of them. some people really shouldn't be allowed to reproduce. idiots aside, there were so many children, toddlers, and babies! the noise, my goodness. now more than ever, i believe that parents should not bring babies or kids on holidays, not until the kids are capable of volume regulation. it's not like the kids will remember it anyway!

despite all that, i still enjoyed my time with L and his dad. i'm grateful that L thinks similarly to me about how people should behave in public. he actually shared with me how he'd handle some of the situations differently, and not once did he mention apologizing to the offending people. i actually think he's more willing to start a scene than i am! that's in stark contrast to the ex, who would try to downplay things and avoid conflict most of the time. i seem to have gotten closer to the dad too...can't really explain it but it feels easier to talk to him now? not that he was standoffish or anything before, it was just my own mental block about it. L seems to be happy that i'm taking the effort to engage his dad more, so it's wins all around. i even gathered the courage to ask the dad for his permission to stay with them after starting work, and he agreed! my initial proposal was that i pay rent, but he shot that down. so the plan is that i'll help to pay some of the bills, exact details to be discussed at a later point.

to do things chronologically, i'll talk about the family lunch first. that was on saturday, and it was to celebrate a few birthdays as well as christmas/new year. there were 7 kids in attendance, which made me feel like a proper old man. the thing i realized was this: to the kids, members of my generation are "uncle" or "auntie", while members of the generation above mine are "granduncle" or "grandaunt". there's somewhat of a shift in perspective because we address each other/them differently! not like i'm not used to being an uncle or anything...i became an uncle at 5 years old. but perhaps it's because the age gap is wider and i'm now able to care for my nieces/nephews in a way that i couldn't previously. i wouldn't go as far as to say that it's expected of me, but i quite like to buy the occasional gift or treat for the kids. on a side note, i think my aunt realized something was up because she asked me about my living arrangements once work started. not sure when it'll happen, but i do want to bring L to meet her. that's a topic for another day.

scary JC friend passed her exams, and she's due to get her real estate agent licence (pending a background check)! her boyfriend passed 1 out of 2 papers, which means he'll have to resit it a few months later. to celebrate, we went to an escape room yesterday. it was also L's and my 3rd month of dating, which i'd clean forgotten at the time. luckily i remembered it today! we decided against the horror-themed rooms and went for something of the secret agent/kingsmen type. between the 4 of us (scary JC friend, her boyfriend, L, and me), we finished it 33 minutes into our allotted hour. i thought that it was decently manageable! plus, i liked the story. we did run into a couple of stumbling blocks, mainly because we were thinking too deeply into what the clues could possibly mean. i'd rate the difficulty at maybe 3/5? to provide a reference, the website said that about half of the parties completed the room without hints, and that number rises to about 90% with hints. more than the story, i was really impressed at how technology was used. there were proximity sensors, light sensors, some magnetic field thing, and a phone that required you to input a certain combination of numbers to get the next clue. i also like how they made us use all our senses (except taste). scary JC friend tells me that some escape rooms in china are bigger and better, with lifts to take the participants between floors. overall it was fun, and i kind of want to do other rooms now. no horror-themed ones, of course.

since we had time to kill after finishing early, we went to this matcha place in plaza singapura for a small bite before a proper dinner. the food was average at best, service was nonexistent. to think they still had a service charge! L paid for the food to celebrate their passing the exams. i wasn't expecting him to do that, and the fact that he did it really warmed my heart. it shows me that he treats my friends as his own. also, the way we interacted in the escape room further reinforces that we're on a good trajectory. some people don't react well to pressure - getting aggressive, shutting off/down, or whatever other negative behaviour there can be. i think between the 4 of us, things never really got heated and we were all very positive when we finished it...so, successful bonding experience! there is one thing he does that i need to talk to him about, but it's by no means a deal-breaker. it's also something better discussed in private, so...sorry!

i really do need to talk about work. my thoughts towards it, goals, things i have to remember and prioritize, etc. but this post has gotten long enough. over the next week and a bit, you can expect that post, along with maybe one or two more about formally moving in with L. after that, there'll be the usual year-end/new year posts, and perhaps a few more after starting work. i've actually decided on my theme this year already, along with a kind of outline for the post. i'm also going to do something i usually try not to, and wonder 'what if?', but not in a negative way. you'll get it when you see it. L is currently at a company christmas party, and is apparently ready to leave. don't know the exact time, but i do know that i'm slated to spend tonight with him. feels good to say that.

-random thought of the day: Aching from gymming on the cruise!-

Recent posts have been rather superficial...and today's might be too. i do want to blog about a couple of interesting things L and i have been up to, and some thoughts/observations about people i've noticed in the course of our daily outings. deeper stuff like thoughts about work and the usual year-end post will come in future posts over the next few weeks.

i'm staying over at L's place a lot more now...maybe up to 4 or 5 nights a week, possibly even more. it's a welcome development, since it means less frustration/annoyance with people touching my things (yes, it's STILL ongoing and is why i really want to move out ASAP). the other implication is that L hasn't gotten tired of me yet, which is a great sign. don't know why, but the undercurrent of worry/anxiety is still there. scary JC friend says she's happy that things are going well, and that i deserve to be happy with L. "deserve" is a very strong word, and using it feels entitled somehow. i guess that would apply for things like material possessions, but happiness is on a different scale. if everyone deserves to be happy, and i am part of "everyone", then i deserve to be happy too.

dates with L have been good, as usual. the 2 most memorable activities in the past week actually happened on the same date. we went to punggol library and joined a 3D printing primer class. it also gives access to the 3D printers in 4 libraries around the island. i'm quite excited to use them! apart from 3D printers, the facility also has sewing machines, laser cutters, and a few more interesting types of equipment. problem is that they're only available by booking, and slots run out fast. guess i'll have to maximize time on the machine by designing the model at home and only going to the library to print it.

before that, we stopped by the nearby temple to pay respects to L's mother. he said he'd wanted to bring me there earlier into our relationship, but he saw it as a positive thing that i decided to give us some time before this. anyway, i think it's a positive development. we've still got to go to the main site at mandai, but that's something for the future.

as part of teaching on JET, i spent time around kids an teenagers basically on a daily basis in japan. even though the kids had video-capable phones, i never saw them taking videos. in singapore, i've noticed 2 separate groups of secondary school-aged girls taking videos of some stupid trend. the first one was at sushiro, and i was (in)conveniently seated next to them. i wouldn't have minded if they were quiet, but part of their dance(?) involved banging on the shared counter and speaking in the typical bimbotic valley girl accent. the second group was doing something else at the open space at the multi-storey carpark block. i'm more inclined to look past this second one because it's an open public space and there's room to evade them.

at the time in sushiro, i was debating on whether or not to confront them. i didn't, ultimately. it was partly the fear of being recorded and/or accused of child abuse or worse. there's also an added fear that this might get onto social media and affect my job prospects. imagine getting fired before even showing up for work! i guess that's what turns singaporeans cowardly and conflict-avoidant. the annoying thing is i feel this sense of...regret? after the opportune time to confront them is over. guess i should find a better way to do things. like, stand up for myself and educate them, all while remaining above the law and public judgement. anyway, it's really dried up my faith in the younger generations. they seem to be a bunch of airheads addicted to social media and/ore inconsiderate morons willing to debase themselves for views and likes. i wonder, did the previous generations think of us like that too? maybe i'm entering my cantankerous old man phase about 30 years too early.

notice: i'll be away on a cruise from tuesday to friday. going with L and his dad, so i'm a tiny bit nervous. but i'm sure our relationship will be the same, if not stronger. also for the next post, briefly talk about having a car.

-random thought of the day: Sleepy.-

Weird dream log time! it's been a while since i've done one of these, hasn't it? today's weird dream involved one of my cousins (retired cousin's younger brother, for context). in the dream, he was holding a wedding ceremony in singapore at a venue in east coast a short walk from my aunt's house. that in itself is weird, because he lives in australia now. i was at the house and had picked out my attire (a pink striped shirt and brown boat shoes - random detail). as i was getting ready to depart for the ceremony, someone told me not to go because an elevator shaft was spoiling the backdrop and the pictures wouldn't turn out nice. i felt that this was a targeted attack because everyone else was still going, and that made me quite upset. i forget what exactly i did; i may have punched the person, but i do remember yelling that the ceremony should be cancelled. i know that that cousin is seeing someone, but i don't know if they're engaged or married yet. reminder to self: if that cousin ever holds a wedding/engagement ceremony in singapore, keep my cool when things go wrong.

life with L is still good; he's clearing his leave days over this period, which results in us having more time together. despite that, i'm feeling this small uneasiness. truly, humans are masters of self-sabotage. see, things are going well. and in my head it's like 'things are going too well'. not that i'm about to start a fight on purpose or anything, but i just wonder if L will get tired of me or something like that. guess it's my insecurity acting up. it's perhaps because i'm not used to this stability, or i'm thinking too much. considering my past relationship, i guess it's both. it's still hard (but getting easier) to believe that L likes me as i am. he expresses his love differently from the way i do, so it's important to remember and understand that.

since i don't have much going on right now (except dates and living with L), i really don't have much to update about. oh! perhaps i could mention that we were invited to a small, casual meet-up at L's friend's place. she lives with her girlfriend, which i think is amazing and something that i want to work towards. while L's dad is nice and has been great whenever i stay over, there's still a sense of mild discomfort - like, it isn't my house so i've got to obey rules that i may not agree with. L's dad is quite particular about food waste and expiry dates, for instance. it's nothing relationship-breaking, mind you. but i still want my own place and the freedom that it brings.

our social calendars are packed for the next 2 weeks, L's more so than mine. he's a member of a discord server for social activities like board games and such. he's actually at sentosa now for volleyball. playing or watching, i don't know, but i hope he's having fun. i'm going to meet him for a bit later, and since i'm there, i'll also check in on the clothes that i sent to the tailor nearby for alterations. he was great the first time round, but he's become oddly uncommunicative. i hope that he's just preoccupied, vs. forgetting about the job.

"job" made me think about work. nothing heard since the last update that everything was ticking along, so not much to say. i've got to decide what stationery and other things to bring for work. figure that i should start using my pens and notebooks, otherwise they'll be wasted. separately, i've got to pack for the cruise too. planning on keeping it casual, although it seems that smart casual wear might be required for some areas of the ship. well, i'll consult with L before packing; he's more experienced with cruises.

-random thought of the day: Haven't been to Sentosa in a while.-