Tradition dictates that it's time for my year-end post. it doesn't quite feel like 31 december...more like a regular weekend. except that it's thursday. the nice NUS president declared today a holiday for the school. didn't really think much about it as an undergrad, since it's already semester break anyway, but now that i have (very flexible) office hours to abide by, it makes a difference.

some years, i really have to rack my brains over the theme. this year, not so much. the theme of "second chances" came to me quite easily. and i suppose it's rather obvious. second chances were present in two of the most significant events in my life this year, namely (1) changing labs, and (2) getting with the date. i was somehow lucky enough to have these opportunities drop into my lap (ok not exactly, i fought for the lab change), so i should remind myself not to screw up and waste an extra-life, so called. though at the point of writing this, i think that things with the date might have bombed. i'll elaborate later.

for all intents and purposes, 2015 has been a good year. there's been progress in practically all aspects of my life, and i'm grateful (1) that there's been progress in the first place, and (2) to the people who've made such progress possible. i'm particularly happy that i've begun to work out again. still a far cry from my army fitness, when my best 2.4km timing was 11:20. nevertheless, it's a step in the right direction. something about how the speed doesn't matter as long as there's movement in the correct direction, right? guess so. research is slow, but i'm confident that something will break through soon. like i mentioned last post, i've still got a few more tricks up my sleeve. so, i'm not too worried just yet, though i expect that the pressure will only increase from here on in.

now that i'm in my late 20s, i've also started to think a little bit more for the future. this year was when i started to set aside money for savings/investments. hopefully my friend/advisor comes through for me. i'm still spending within my means, which is good.really, i consider myself blessed in that i don't really face serious money problems. in fact, i managed to buy myself a few luxuries (in particular, plane tickets to japan + associated expenditure while over there), and still come out of everything more or less neutral. that's good. shows that i'm spending within my means.

similar to last year, judo is still suffering. and based on the developments this past year, things won't improve until 2017 at the earliest. i'd be going-on 29 by then. well, the plan is simply to do what i can, and wait. nothing is forever, and i hope that people who are willing to work with us, and with whom we're willing to work, will come into the picture soon. otherwise, in a very extreme scenario, i may have to either give up judo, or seek greener pastures elsewhere. but ultimately, judo is just a hobby/pastime, not my livelihood. this year has shown me that i should prioritize it accordingly as such. even more so when my efforts go unappreciated. sure, i get do it for the sport, but there's such a thing as "job" satisfaction and "career" advancement. granted that it's not a real job, that's why the quotation marks are there. but we'll see. i guess this is how some people go from wanting to give their all, to just going for the bare minimum. well...like i said, prioritize accordingly.

to sum it up, i think my goal of making 2015 a year of net happiness worked out reasonably well. i think i'm a better person right now than this-time-last-year me, so that's another plus. with luck, i'll continue this upward trend into 2016.

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with the year-end post more or less done, i'll go on to elaborate about what happened with the date today. it's actually a very small thing on the surface, but with much deeper implications. but first, some background information. when we met on tuesday, the date told me that they had bought me even more clothes. while i was appreciative that they thought of me, i did state that i found it rather unnecessary and that i thought that they might be spending too much money on me. we then both agreed, no more clothes purchases for me until june (remember this, it's an important detail). i'm not about to restrict what the date buys for personal use, since i have no right to. it's their money, spending it on themself is perfectly fine.

fast-forward to today, the date told me that the shipment came, and the size was wrong. fair enough, nothing i can do about that. then the date tells me that they ordered EVEN MORE clothes for me! first issue: they knowingly went back on their word. and i, of course, refused to accept this new shipment. they then said that they had the right to choose not to spend new year's eve with me, just like i had the right to refuse the gift. i thought they were joking at first, but apparently not so. we had a rather heated text exchange, because they refused to pick up their phone. in the end, i went down from their place to vivocity, where we talked/argued, and i sent them back with no clear resolution yet. small point of reassurance is that we held hands in the car, so things aren't ALL horrible.

i have several issues with what went down tonight. but first of all, i'll sidetrack to say wow! i finally experienced the INFP trait of sticking to my principles. you see, a common characteristic of INFP types is that they (we) have some values which are almost sacred to us. of course what exactly these values are are unique to each individual, and for me, the two values that were tested today were keeping a promise, and not being "forced" to accept goodwill. the first one is pretty straightforward, i think, but the second one might need a little explaining. from my personal experience, i've learnt the meaning of "you can bring a horse to water, but you can't force it to drink". that's tied to "the road to hell is paved with good intentions". if you remember, the legal threat issue on a post here (which has since been taken down) was also due to this type of thing. so...my personal view is that if someone does or gets something for me WITHOUT ME ASKING, i have the right to refuse whatever was done. best case is i accept it, worst case is i don't. and i don't expect any hard feelings from anyone. on the other hand, if i asked for something and got angry after i got it, the giver has every right to slap me, and i would willingly get slapped, too.

back to the main topic: my issues with the whole thing. firstly, we agreed, no clothes for me in the near future. and yet, the date knowingly went against our agreement (first value compromised). as you can see, this is an unsolicited gift (and one which we've specifically agreed not to get), which means that according to my philosophy, acceptance or refusal is at my discretion. and not having the need for so many more sets of clothes, i refused. the date really really didn't take it well. and throughout our conversation, through messages and face-to-face, they were just so...immature! this is after they chided me for immaturity a couple of weeks ado, mind you. it was rather frustrating, and had it been anyone else at all, i wouldn't have bothered. the thing that really ticked me off about their reaction is that they themself acknowledged that they were being unreasonable (after i drew the parallels), yet they refused to back down, and expected me to give way instead. for most things, i would. but not this. it's kind of like how they are against surprise visits, or inconveniencing other people. what's worse is, they said "let's see if sticking to your principles is worth it" (or something to that effect). this implies to me that they think my principles can be bent, twisted, even broken, but theirs are untouchable and set in stone. that's rubbish. assuming no moral or legal ambiguity, there is no set of beliefs that is above another. if my principles can be bent, so can theirs. and if i used this episode as justification for future instances, the unhappiness would only build.

another thing that really pissed me off as that they were being sarcastic, saying that i'd won the argument. my objective isn't to win! it's never been to win. although i know that reason and logic is on my side this time round, all i want is for the date to see the double standards that are being applied here, acknowledge it, maybe apologize, and move on. it baffles me that despite how straightforward the comparison is, the date doesn't (want to) see it. and don't say it's an education thing. it's just logical stepwise thinking. if your version of A applies to me, my version of A applies to you too. if you react badly when i do something that makes you angry, i will likewise react badly when you poke my trigger spot, right? also, don't tell me that the date doesn't understand and decided to do things their way. there are several of the date's quirks which i don't understand either, but i respect whatever they might be, and don't do things that would set them off. in the event i do do something, it's because i either didn't know, or forgot. if the date sets me off unknowingly, i'd understand and explain it to them once, maybe twice. but this? it was done in full knowledge that i didn't agree. the whole thing is so idiotic, you know? like there's a warning sign: dog will bite when disturbed. someone purposely kicks the dog, gets bitten, and wants the dog to be put down.

let me just add a disclaimer: like during the episode with my JC best friend and his girlfriend, i've said that relationships should ideally be 50-50 give and take. for me personally, i'm willing to give in for a lot of things. i'd say that i'm giving in about 75% of the time? just not for this matter, unfortunately. in fact, to be really mercenary, i'd say that i'm on the losing end overall. driving up down left right, getting cancelled on (only twice), basically me suiting the date's whims more than them suiting mine. that's how observers can see who's more desperate for the relationship, i guess. look for the party on the losing end. BUT, i'm not keeping score. i'm doing all this willingly, because i believe that we can work stuff out between us, and create a good relationship. so i'm not blaming the date for anything, except maybe for being so stubborn today.

rounding it up, i think this is our worst argument so far in dating - take 2. even then, it's not a deal-breaker to me. i will stick to my guns on this issue. my compromise has been that since we agreed no more purchases until june, i'll only take the shipment in june. the date wasn't willing to accept even that. i don't know...but if there's someone who raises the topic of us no longer seeing each other, it won't be me. right now, i'm...65% sure we can work this through. if the date insists on being stubborn, then there's not much i can do, is there? but well. my plan right now is to attempt normal conversation tomorrow, and see how things go from there. it's such a stupid thing to have a major argument over, seriously. how did all this even happen? well...let's see what tomorrow brings.

-random thought of the day: Haven't had my Starbucks Christmas drink this year. Wonder if it's still available?-

Gosh...it's been more than 3 weeks since the last post! where did all that time go!? probably towards research, time with the date, and the occasional hangout with friends. all in all, time pretty well-spent. i suppose i should elaborate, otherwise the post would probably have ended there...and that wouldn't make for very interesting reading, would it?

let's get research out of the way. routine lab work has stopped for the past week and a bit, because i had to shift my fume hood (AGAIN), and also because this lab has a very _________ (fill in an adjective of your choice) tradition, which is that all students have to write a year-end report summarizing their work for the year. i've been busy with it for the past week, to the extent where i've done zero lab work. the deadline is tomorrow, and i'm just about finished. still have to attach NMR spectra and some other small stuff. shouldn't be that difficult. progress-wise...still encountering roadbocks, but i've still got a few tricks up my sleeve. keeping my fingers crossed as usual.

things with the date are generally ok, few ups and downs, but less downs than ups. we had a couple more minor conflicts, one about them being a bit insensitive, the other about me being disproportionately upset about a pretty small thing. i'm not keeping score, by the way. doing that would be rather pointless. anyway. some conflict in a relationship is good...helps both parties understand each other better and strengthens the bond. of course, there is such a thing as too much conflict, which will achieve the opposite effect. so don't go picking fights just for the sake of it.

as for the ups, we've been having regular weekend dates, and even some weekday dates, too! good thing is we don't seem to be getting tired of each other, and dates are generally enjoyable. to be perfectly honest, i can't exactly remember all our date locations. some of the more memorable locations include the promontory (FINALLY!), MBS, funan, alongside other more routine locations like west mall, their place, holland V. what made me really happy was that we spent christmas together! it makes me like, ridiculously happy, because since my teens or so, i've been wishing/hoping/praying for someone special to spend christmas (and other festive occasions...every day, really) with. now, i'm not religious at all, so i probably believe more in the whole commercialized christmas thing. even then, not overly so. at most like cards and presents (not trees, decorations or anything that extreme). got the date (and family) a few presents, and for the first time in about 3 years, wrote christmas cards to them and a few other people, including my chemical engineer cousin. hope it didn't get lost in the mail. but yes, i've been feeling really loved these few days, and i'm so so grateful. it's a far cry from this time last year, when i was feeling all kinds of horrible due to person and my old professor.

even more importantly than that, yesterday was (to me,) the most important day in our 6+ weeks of dating so far. it's for a couple of reasons, the more important one being that the date finally met the chem kids! well, not all of them. thought that we should keep the group small first to avoid the date getting overwhelmed. we had a potluck lunch at one of their places, and i think that everything went well. in addition, some of the other guys brought their girlfriends, so it's kind of like our first-ever plus-one gathering! that's a big positive sign for our friendship, as well as the relationship. the date got along pretty well with everyone, so that's another thing to be grateful for. in fact, we've got another outing in the works, for karaoke. looking forward to that!

after lunch and some socializing, we (the date and i) went to funan to get a new keyboard (for them), and a new car phone holder (for me). the keyboard was easy, but didn't manage to find a good phone holder. my conditions are pretty not-demanding, i think. big enough to hold my phone, fit on the air-con vent, preferably all-black or black/silver or blue. somehow suction cup-type holders seem to still be in fashion. goodness knows why. it's not that big a deal. still can look around slowly.

what made me about as happy as my friends and the date getting along was that after our funan trip, we went to capitol mall (i think), and relaxed on the artificial turf there. that in itself was nice, but what made it extraordinary is that we had a deep conversation in which the date told me more about their ex, and how breaking up was so painful, and how badly they were affected. it hurt to hear them talk about the extremes to which they went to get the ex back. i'm both upset with and grateful to the ex...upset is because the ex made the date suffer so much. but if that didn't happen, the date would never have become my date. at this point, i'm still undecided on whether to punch the ex, or shake his hand. let's hope we never meet, then.

last quick point. i was reading something on facebook/instagram, where my friend's brother announced his relationship of 7 years quite publicly. it's quite stupid/irrational, but i felt a little bit jealous. it's both because he's younger than me, and is already in such a long, stable relationship...almost like a storybook "happily ever after" ending kind of thing, and also (stupidly) because they make a really attractive couple! felt a tiny bit inferior for a while, but then it occurred to me that being jealous isn't productive at all. i should be able to appreciate my date for the person they are, and not get jealous because other people look better together. of course, people will usually present only the best side of things on social media, so i wouldn't know if they've had/are having issues. regardless, the takeaway is look within first, and appreciate what (who) i have now.

guess that's about it. it's the last week of the year! next week looks pretty slack, because thursday is an NUS holiday, and i took tuesday and wednesday off to burn my leave. turns out i have 6 days left, not 3 like i'd thought. and i'm not going to be able to carry them over to next year, so the plan is to burn what i can. would have taken leave tomorrow too, but the report is due. and although i'm officially off on tuesday, i'll be back to supervise the minion for a difficult synthesis. all in all, i think 2015 will end without much incident, which is just the way i like it.

-random thought of the day: We're only moving house next March!-

Once a week seems to be the new standard for updates around here. not entirely sure if that's a good thing. i've probably mentioned this before...too-frequent updates run the risk of you saying something that you might regret, though the strong emotion at that point in time can be captured. waiting too long between updates causes the emotion to fade, but you have the benefit of time to think through your words. downside is that the incident(s) will not be as fresh in your memory, and you may get certain details wrong. while perfect timing would be the best, i don't know which is better, to be too soon or too late. i guess i'd rather be too late than too hasty in posting. or perhaps post first, edit and add footnotes later.

anyway. life has been pretty ok-ish this past week or so. i THINK my synthesis will work ok, and my minion is back in the lab, which means that she can continue on her project. we've had a couple of failures, as well as one reaction that shows potential. hopefully isolation and purification will be easy. then, we'll have stuff for the progress report in january. my own reactions are not looking as rosy. after several more failed attempts, i'm trying one last modification, and going to my professor for help if even that fails. i don't understand...there's a paper that has almost the same molecule, but for some reason i can't get the reaction to work. perhaps the modification that i made screwed things up? well...just praying for some good news now.

i think there's some truth to what somebody told me in october...things going well in one aspect of life will be balanced by things going not-so well in another aspect. seems to be the case for me, as my slump in research coincides with things looking good with the date. our usual saturday date was spent at the botanic gardens, where the NUS music conservatory gave a (free) concert to round off the NUS 110 celebrations. i didn't even know that celebrations were ongoing for the past year! but well. they performed on a stage in symphony lake (the stage has a name, but it escapes me now), and attendees picnicked on the surrounding grass. we stayed for 20 minutes of the hour-long concert, at which time we felt some raindrops. not wanting to risk it, we packed up and left. it didn't rain in the end, but we thought it was better to be safe than sorry. the date was a little bummed that we didn't stay for the whole thing. as we approached the main gate, i saw that there would be another concert (not by NUS this time) at gardens by the bay on 19 december. so that's set to be our date location 3 saturdays later. a trip to island creamery followed, then we went to watch the good dinosaur (or according to the date, the shy dinosaur) at JEM.

*SPOLIERS FOR THE GOOD DINOSAUR AHEAD*

i thought it was an ok movie. storyline was very simple...those kind of coming-of-age and discovering your true potential stuff. apparently, a friend said that it pales in comparison to inside out (which i still haven't watched yet!). i thought it was quite sad that the father dinosaur had to die. the whole thing was quite reminiscent of the lion king, actually. the date said that it was interesting how the roles were reversed. you know, usually the humans are the star, with other creatures playing second fiddle. here, there focus was on the dinosaur, and the human was sort of the pet. was quite amused that the dinosaurs were humanized in a way, as they had human names and the main character's family worked on a farm, while another family of dinosaurs ranched cattle. i'm still tickled when i think of a dinosaur called henry. despite all that, it was a fairly good watch. story was easy to follow, there was a balance of fast- and slow-paced scenes, and of comedy and tragedy. my final verdict: worth a watch, but maybe streaming it would be better instead of paying for a movie ticket.

*END SPOILERS*

in this past week alone, i've seen the date another 2 times, once each on tuesday and wednesday. tuesday was more planned, wednesday was rather impromptu. so what happened was that the date mentioned that they had to pick stuff up from west mall for an office christmas tree competition. i decided to tag along, for some quality time. we had dinner at pastamania, which has improved by leaps and bounds. their menu's been revamped, and while i previously associated them with ajisen or sakae sushi, i'd now place them in the same tier as swensen's. there were some really tempting options, but i ultimately went for salmon ravioli. the date had some garlicky spaghetti thing, and we shared an order of cheese/tomato fries. the ravioli tested decent enough, but i would do a few things differently...not mince the salmon, for instance. anyway, i now have a new cooking idea. it's been a while since i've made pasta. we then went to du yi bookstore to get the date's craft supplies. this was followed by llao llao for dessert. it was my first time trying it, actually. i didn't understand the hype previously, and i still don't now. maybe i chose a bad combination of toppings, fruits, and sauce. regardless, i don't think i'll be going back anytime soon. the only thing i liked was their uniquely-shaped spoon. we took a digestion walk past a few phone shops, where the date tried to get me to convert to android. initially, i was a bit reluctant, but found a pretty good reason to recontract in the end. i'll elaborate later. for now, that was the end of tuesday's date.

yesterday's date was rather last-minute. the date said that they'd be working late to finish up the christmas decor for the office. i offered to pick them up after they were done, and we went back to west mall where they collected a parcel from the singpost lockers. we had mayim's for dinner, and it seems that the date and family are regulars there. had some spicy dry noodle thing, which was pretty good. i don't really recall us doing anything else, except walk around the mall a bit. back in the car, the date said that they wanted to check on the parcel. so, i watched as they took out a shirt and put it aside, then said that the rest of the stuff inside was for me. there were another 2 shirts in there, plus a pair of sandals. this links back to some casual conversation we had on sunday, where i was asked for by shirt and shoe size. didn't think too much of it at that time, but now i see the purpose. sneaky again, but i'm definitely not complaining. the colour scheme of the shirts will take some getting used to; they're brighter than my usual colour palette. as will the sandals, which aren't slippers, but something with straps and buckles. i am definitely touched by the gesture, and i'm now just wondering how i can reciprocate. the problem is, the date is more fashionable than me, and regularly shops for clothes, footwear, etc. that means a similar gift is out of the question. when giving gifts, i usually go by a few principles. give something that: (1) the recipient wants or needs. (2) you think the recipient would appreciate. (3) is customized for the recipient (eg. engraved name - my personal favourite). (4) cannot be found locally. best if all 4 criteria fit, though usually 1 or 2 is good enough for me. issue here is i don't quite know what the date would need/want. they seem to have everything they need! well...i'll spend some time mulling it over.

while the fact that the date thought of me makes me exceedingly happy, a small part of my brain feels worried. here's why. i don't think the date intends it in this way, but i get the feeling that i'm being forced to change who i am. don't get me wrong, i'm grateful that the date thinks of me and includes me in their shopping, and definitely not complaining that they got me gifts. but at the same time, i find it to be a tiny bit unnecessary. i mean, my current wardrobe serves me well, and it's not like i'm trying to win any best dressed awards in science. but well, i figure that if i don't think it's important, i shouldn't mind making a change, right? i'll probably have to rationalize this through a bit more. somehow that doesn't quite sit well with me.

now, on to phones. i'd previously said that i'm ok with my iphone 5s, and planned on using it for a while longer. part of the reason is that it's still working fine, another part of the reason is that i feel like i haven't gotten full utility from the case and cable which i'd bought from japan. at the same time, there is some benefit to recontracting now. my data cap goes up, for one, and i get more SMSes and talktime. price increases by like $2 a month or so, which is quite worth it. and since i'm recontracting anyway, it makes economic sense to buy a new phone, even if it's just to sell it on the secondhand market. but working on the assumption that i do want a new phone, i think i might be moving away from the iphone, to android. i'm currently torn between the samsung note 5 and the sony xperia z5. the date recommends the oppo r7 something or another. like the previous two things, i'm going to need to spend some brain cells on this.

still have a couple of thoughts lodged in my mind, but it's getting late, and i have to go home. for future reference, why is the right late the slowest-moving in heavy traffic, and calling people out on their mistakes.

-random thought of the day: Maintain.-

Numerous things have happened over this past week and a bit, leaving me both happy and frustrated. these feelings are caused by different things, so they don't cancel each other out.

let's start with happy. here's hoping i don't jinx anything. things have been going really well with the date. we've met every weekend since our talk after deepavali. sure, that amounts to a grand total of 2 weekends, but it's a start, and everything has to start somewhere. this past weekend was extra-special. we went to tanjong pagar for dinner on saturday, where we ate at this ramen place. it was the closest thing to an authentic japanese ramen shop i've come across in singapore. this is for 2 reasons: (1) the layout and decor were very similar to the ramen places i'd been to in japan, and (2) it was run by a japanese guy. ramen was good, and was worthy competition to hakata ikkousha just across the road. after that, we spent a while walking around the area. then on the way back, they said that they wanted to see the building where i worked. so we detoured to NUS, and i showed them my block. we then spent around an hour sitting together on the field (well, not directly on. there were mini-bleachers), and just talking. topics of conversation included jin yong novels, NUS halls and residences, our previous dates, my (according to them) depressing slippers, haircare, lip balm, christmas, staycations, and a few other things which have slipped my mind by now. we met up again the very next day, because they had to go back to their office to set up some christmas decor. i went to pick them up after judo, and we went to westgate and JEM for dinner. ate at this atas indian curry place. it was unique because the restaurant actually had a bar, and alcoholic drinks were being served. don't remember when was the last time i saw an indian food establishment selling alcohol. the food was pretty good. most interestingly, we ordered a vegetarian curry, made of green peas in a cashew sauce (think peanut sauce, but with a different nut). it's definitely not something that i would have ordered if i had been eating by myself, due to my (perhaps weird) belief that nuts are meant only to be eaten as a snack, and not together with cooked food. still, it was pretty good. no regrets. we then had dessert and went shopping for groceries and haircare products (for them, not me). all in all, it was a really nice weekend, and i was content.

on the very next day, they asked to meet for dinner. i was surprised, but agreed. the plan was to meet at 6:45pm at kent ridge MRT, but they messaged me at 6:30pm saying that they were already under my block, and that they had something serious to tell me. based on what our last serious conversation was about, i hope you can empathize and understand why i started to panic. nevertheless, i invited them up and met them outside my lab. the "something serious" turned out to be that they took leave that day, and used the time to cook dinner for me! you have absolutely NO IDEA how i felt at that time. it was an odd mixture of relief, elation, and mild anger. relief because they weren't deciding to stop dating, elation because they actually went out of their way to cook despite it not being their strong suit, and mild anger because they got me so worried! thankfully the worry only lasted like 5 minutes. as for the food, the date was so sneaky! when i opened the tupperware, i saw salmon, rice, seaweed, broccoli, carrots, and tomatoes...which was everything we went to buy the previous day! so so sneaky. i really appreciated the effort. and for someone who doesn't cook, the food tasted great. granted, they went a little heavy on the salt, but it was by no means inedible. i was extremely touched that they would go out of their way to do this for me. makes me think that we're in a decent place, and things are looking up. so that's the happy bit.

judo is causing me all sorts of frustration and anger. for the first time in my coming-to 11 years of practising the sport, and since the new people took over, i feel that the battle is hopeless, and that i should stay away from the national federation. reason being that the AGM was just held yesterday, and the same few people are in power. it is my opinion that these people are not in the sport to promote it. rather, they either have their own personal agenda, or are blindly/stupidly following along and being manipulated. i honestly don't have much hope in singapore judo any more. what frustrates me the most is that although i want to give back to the community, i'm being blocked. you're welcome to dispute this, but killing off the kata programme and freezing my referee promotion is evidence enough. what REALLY pisses me off is that the people on top are incompetent. not just in terms of administration, but also in technical knowledge. at the risk of blowing my own trumpet, i dare say i'm more knowledgeable about kata than most of the office bearers. yet, they have thick enough skin to shamelessly promote themselves to higher belt ranks. it may look impressive to the casual bystander, but those in the community will know that their most recent ranks are worthless. after all, they're not endorsed by the international governing body. as if giving me a signal, the remedy by jason mraz came up as i was driving home. one of the lines in the chorus goes, "i...i...i won't worry my life away, -ay -ay -ay, oh oh oh oh". so that's that. i'll do the bare minimum to keep my referee license active, and screw the rest. still will do my part to promote judo of course, but away from the federation until people i respect and can work with come into power. to put it in hokkien terms, i'm "chin sim" already.

looks like the date dozed off after their dinner. can't blame them; they had a long day at work, made worse by the train disruption. as much as i was looking forward to some conversation with them, i suppose their health and well-being is more important. so i figure i'll head to bed and drop them a goodnight message. who knows? they might wake up suddenly and message me back.

-random thought of the day: Starting the habit of writing letters again.-

Remember 3 weeks ago or so, when i said that i felt like i'd been cheated out of my weekend after going to my friend's staycation? had a similar feeling this past weekend. only difference is i didn't feel cheated exactly, but i really wish that the weekend could have been longer. it's more like book-in blues, come to think of it. in fact, if i DID have to go back to camp, i'd probably be in the shower now, if not on my way out of the door already. just some random trivia.

speaking of "random", i realized that i was messed up enough to not include a random thought in my previous post. that's probably happened like less than 5 or 10 times over 12 years and 1400+ posts. not too concerned, really. good news is that over the course of the past 5 days, i've become less messed up, because the other party has cleared my doubts. if you remember, the ex-date didn't want to meet me on tuesday for a particular reason. they then suggested wednedsay, ie. the very next day, to which i agreed. we had dinner at this place at portsdown road called chuckwagon BBQ & grill. as you may have guessed, it's a meat place. being quite out of the way, driving there is highly recommended. plus point: parking is free. the food is good, but doesn't come cheap. i'd say the prices were like 150% above the norm. thankfully, the great ambience and really attentive, friendly service made up for that. overall i'd definitely go back, but only for special occasions and even then, not more than once per 2 or 3 months.

after that, we made a pit stop for petrol, then went to d'good cafe at holland v for round 2, which saw us sharing eggs benedict. i can do poached eggs, but haven't tried to make hollandaise sauce yet. might consider that for a weekend project. anyways, digression aside, i sent them to underneath their block after that, where we had a serious conversation. i basically told them that i was super confused, and due to the mixed signals, i didn't know what our status was. they resolved that pretty quickly, by saying that the 2+ months of distance had given them time to think about it, and they were willing to try again, but at a slower pace. i can deal with that. at the same time, it's not all sunshine and rainbows. they've said that they are still working on breaking down the mental barrier of physical appearance, and i figure that as long as they're trying, i should do my part too. for now, things look good, and i'm happy. additionally, we went for a date yesterday too. it was successful, but i think i messed up a couple of things. mental note: pay more attention to detail and plan my time better. to my surprise, they got me a wallet! i have one already, just that i don't carry it with me. they noticed that i usually just throw everything in my pockets and go about my business, and decided to rectify that i guess. caught me completely by surprise, as did i when i gave them their gift later before they went home. my gift to them is not as practical, but came from a bit of our conversation earlier in the week. they liked it, which is ultimately what's important. helped to reduce the guilt of my mess-ups too, but that's a side-benefit.

reality check time. i would be really happy if this turned into a relationship, and even more so if it would be my first and last serious relationship. but at the same time, i shouldn't expect/demand it. not while we're still dating, at least. all i can do now is to do what i can, in improving myself and making myself a better person for the date, who isn't the ex-date any more. and if somehow, they can't get over the physical image thing despite my efforts, i shouldn't feel bad about walking away. it will hurt, and it will suck, but IF that comes to pass, walking away is for my own good. i have to remember that. for now, i guess i'll enjoy what's going on, but not throw myself in so recklessly and completely. if there's one thing i've learnt, it's to not give 100% too early.

one big positive sign is that the date added me on facebook. previously when i asked, they said that they weren't comfortable enough with me yet. so i guess it's good that the comfort level went up. that aside, looking through their facebook posts has given me some insight into their character, and how the events that have transpired previously has affected them. i'd heard a lot about their ex, and finally got to see a picture. i don't understand why the ex would cheat or whatever, but well, it's the ex's loss. too early right now to say it's my gain, but i'm hoping. more than that, i got to see how badly they were affected when that relationship went south. makes me believe that they're a monogamous person, which would be really reassuring if we were already together. but since it's still the dating phase, i shouldn't look too far ahead. live in the moment.

the reluctance to start a brand-new work week hasn't quite worn off yet. don't know why. hopefully this next week will be a bit smoother, and the upward trend in all areas continues. goodness knows i need a breakthrough in the synthesis.

-random thought of the day: Finish up the unpublished post!-

Started a post earlier in the week, but didn't get around to completing it. i'll go back to it sometime in the future, possibly after publishing this. right now though, something just happened and it's messing quite badly with my head. surprise (or not)! it's about the ex-date. we met again this past sunday to try the multiplayer phone game again. we also agreed to meet for dinner today while i was there. so they suggested going to an eatery at the singapore art museum, which i was fine with.

with that in mind, we proceeded to arrange transport. i suggested that they come down to kent ridge, where i would be in lab, and i'd drive us down from there. it's logical to me, because once i turn out of NUS, i'll hit the AYE and it's a direct route from there. they suggested that i pick them up from buona vista instead, which involves me making a detour up, then coming back down to NUS, to get on the very same entrance onto the AYE that i would have taken if going from kent ridge. and buona vista is only 2 stops from kent ridge. granted, you have to change lines, but still. 2 stops! that's like a 5-minute train trip, and i'd pick them up directly from the station, which means minimal walking is involved. somehow, this didn't sit well with them, and they told me that they'd meet me directly at the venue at 6:00pm. it's weird, but sure. i agreed.

some time later, around 2:00pm, they messaged again to change the venue to westgate mall. their reason was that it's closer to both NUS and their place, and i had suggested going there initially. since i was still in the lab and hadn't started travelling, i agreed again. then fast forward to like 4:30pm. they suddenly cancelled altogether, due to a legitimate reason. in the interest of keeping things PG-13, i won't reveal what exactly it was. the important thing is that it's my fault. i recognize and acknowledge this, so that's fine. i feel that it's nothing to make such a big fuss about, but evidently it was important to them. so i agreed (a bit reluctantly) to reschedule. we had a brief chat about not understanding other people's behaviour, but respecting people's choices anyway. THEN, stuff happened. they asked me why i was so unwilling to pick them up at buona vista, and that it would have been sweet if i did to that. my batman sense went off at the word "sweet". "sweet" is not an adjective that is commonly used between friends. i mean, i do use it now and then jokingly with the chem kids or my JC friends, but they know i don't mean it seriously.

let me just digress here. the last official word is that we're friends, right? so why should i do sweet things for them? if it had been a chem kid instead, i would have suggested the exact same thing, ie. meet at kent ridge, then drive down together. in fact, that's what we did for some of our previous guild house outings, and there was absolutely no issue at all. i guess what kind of bugs me is that despite being just friends, the ex-date expects some kind of extra-special treatment. i'd previously thought that they were being a little too friendly, but decided to just shake it off. i'm about 45% sure that they might want to start dating again, but i'm not quite sure how to handle it, or if the percentage changed after what happened tonight. my biggest clue came from one of the last few messages of our exchange, where they commented, "you can be so dense". that's a warning bell if i ever saw one. not going to attempt to rationalize it now; meeting my JC friend soon. he might be able to help me work through what's going on.

-random thought of the day: -

Cooler weather tends to get me in a philosophical mood, and rain over the past few days has lowered the temperatures at night. as i was leaning on the car for a bit of bonding time after a pretty long drive earlier on, i just thought to myself that nothing is permanent, everything is transient. the picture i came up with was (unsurprisingly,) a road trip. like, you start stepping on the accelerator the moment you're born, and the trip ends when you die. only difference is that your progress isn't measured in distance, but in time. along the way, people may join you on the road, and even drive alongside you for months, maybe even years. eventually though, they'll take a different exit/turn, by making different decisions, or just fading out of your life. i dare say that nobody will travel the exact same path as you, and even if they do, they will probably perceive things differently from you.

that decisions thing kind of leads to another thought that i've been meaning to blog about. it goes, 'everything you've ever done in your life has led to you being at this current point'...or something like that. the basic idea is that all the choices that you've made in the past, no matter how inconsequential, are responsible for shaping the present you and your current situation. to use a bit of a gross example, let's say you're suffering from extreme food poisoning, and are stuck in the toilet. that's because you chose to eat something that was contaminated in the past. knowingly or unknowingly is a separate issue, but your decision to eat the thing resulted in your current suffering. gross toilet example aside, it does sounds kind of grand on a cosmic scale. at the same time, it could also be interpreted as "actions have consequences" on a massive scale, which severely reduces the grand factor.

speaking of decisions, actions, and consequences, i haven't been to the gym so far this week. i could come up with a multitude of reasons, and some of them would be valid. but in retrospect, i guess i had a few lazy days. nothing really wrong with that, just that i'd better make sure this doesn't persist. and the gym upgraded its online system, so members can now see various statistics. my average number of gym visits is 2.something per week. lower than i'd thought. and my membership is expiring next january. not sure yet, but i might not be re-signing with them. it's not their fault; facilities are adequate, coaches are great. just that with the impending move to sengkang (end of the month), i don't think i'll be able to pull the same stuff off, like beat the ERP there, then have an early day in school. i don't know yet. whatever it is, i guess i have to go every day for the remainder of the week to bring my average up.

last point before i head to sleep. it's about the ex-date. i think they're sincere about being friends, because they invited me, along with a few other people, to their house for dinner. i always have a soft spot for home-cooked meals, so i agreed. dinner itself was fine, with amazing food and nice polite conversation that continued even after dinner. just getting to know each other, though i was already previously acquainted with a few people there. then, the other guests left, while i stayed behind to test the multiplayer function on a couple of games. and in the midst of that, something else happened. it's nothing bad, and i don't regret it. but i am hell of a confused, because of the mixed signals. perhaps i'm overthinking things. should learn to take a step back, take it easy, and see how things develop without worrying too much. whatever the case, i'm very clear that we're just friends, good friends at best. even then, some non-rational emotional (and hormonal) part of me is kind of hoping for a repeat performance. well...we'll see. if it happens, good, if it doesn't, so be it. i'll survive.

-random thought of the day: Blog about Baby Steps.-

Life rarely gives us a chance to prepare for a life skills acquisition lesson which it's about to dish out. i guess that's because acquiring such life skills are done in scenarios which we don't encounter often...because if we do, it just puts a complete stop to our regular scheduled programming. for instance, how many of us expect to be called up by someone looking for a listening ear after receiving bad news? or to be less morbid, how many of us drive expecting to get a flat tyre? i don't, but i still got a flat last night. still have no idea how it happened. pretty sure my tyres weren't overinflated, or all 4 would probably have gone together. neither was the car overloaded, or the tyre would have gone while i was driving the senior coaches on sunday. doubt it's deliberate too...the break didn't look man-made, as in my tyres weren't slashed. and not that i have experience, but if i wanted to slash someone's tyres, i would have taken all 4 out. logical conclusion: freak accident. maybe i drove past a protruding bit of metal which ripped the rubber. weird thing was that my ex-OC once told me that a tyre being punctured sounds remarkably like a gunshot. i didn't notice any loud noise as i was driving. odd.

i was a bit annoyed with myself, because i felt something was wrong, yet chose to ignore it. during the trip, the car started to vibrate more, there was an odd flapping sound, but i still drove as per usual and only got visual confirmation after i was stopped at a red light. thankfully the wheel rim wasn't damaged. i saw this photo somewhere, where someone drove on a flat tyre until the rim began to wear out. will never understand how people can be so out of tune with their cars.

thankfully, i made it back to my home parking lot, where i proceeded to change the tyre to the spare, and subsequently went down to my friend's friend's workshop to see about getting it fixed. changing the tyre was not that difficult, thanks to the instruction manual. i was talking with my senior about this, and he said that chemists will be ok as long as there's a known procedure. makes sense to me. i don't see why it's so difficult, actually. the only difficulty i could possibly imagine anyone having is that the person doesn't have the physical strength to loosen the wheel nuts. even then, there's such a thing called moments and body weight, ie. leaning/stepping on the tyre wrench to generate the necessary torque. not to sound overconfident, but i think that this is one of those skills which i won't be forgetting in a hurry, and is probably something which i can apply to other models of cars too. just need to find the respective jacking points.

another thing for me to be thankful about is that i was fortunate enough to learn this skill in "easy mode". meaning to say that the conditions were relatively comfortable (late night - cool weather, no passers-by), i didn't have to rush, more resources were available since i was so near home. to increase the difficulty, it could have been on a busy expressway, with me late for an important appointment, under the hot sun, or even worse, raining! so although it was a bit of an inconvenience, i'm grateful that it wasn't worse. goodness knows there's always infinite potential for things to be worse than they are.

my friend came through for me, in recommending a good tyre shop. the mechanics were nice and professional, price was reasonable, and i didn't have to wait too long. like half an hour max from start to finish. i had originally wanted to patch the tyre up to reduce on cost, but they told me that since the rupture was located on the side wall, that wasn't an option. had to get a new tyre (luckily they had the same brand and model that i was using), which they set over the rim, aligned, and installed for me. all for $140. if i multiply that by 4 tyres for 4 wheels, it comes up to $560, which is a little bit less than what kah motor charged me the first time round. well, i'm never going back to them for anything ever again, now that i have these other nice people to turn to. price is one thing, but with these other workshops, i can actually watch the mechanics work. if i were a bit more of the paranoid kind, that would be really reassuring. bonus is i get to ask questions and learn a bit more about what makes my car go.

while learning how to change a tyre and appreciating "easy mode" are important lessons, i think that the hidden/ultimate lesson is that things are never as bad as they seem. could be that i'm still thinking about my (lack of a) love life, but this last thing seems to resonate really strongly with me now. well...take things slowly, i guess. my friend was telling me that maybe i should start out by looking for friends first, then move into a relationship when i felt the time was right. but to move that question a step back, should i even be looking? guess i'll address that in the next post.

-random thought of the day: Keep hoping.-

Bad/negative news and feelings don't come singly, as this past weekend has reminded me. the worst part of it was that this weekend started out on such a positive note, and for some reason, it feels like things slowly fell apart today. it probably doesn't make much sense yet to you, since you don't know what happened. i guess i should explain everything from the top.

i guess my first issue with this weekend is how quickly it went by. i know that it's the same 48 hours of saturday and sunday that i get every week, but somehow, it just feels like it whizzed by way faster than usual, to the extent where i feel a bit cheated. it's just my messed up perception of time, which is normally not a big deal in itself. with the events of the last 24 hours, i guess this feeling of being cheated of a weekend makes things worse. yes, i know i wasn't really cheated, but sometimes, the perception is more powerful than the truth.

let's put that aside for now and talk about the events that transpired. my friend organized a halloween party/mini-staycation at RWS, so i was there from yesterday afternoon to this morning. the party itself was nice...plenty of food, laughter, and i had a good time. only little complaint i have was that there were too many people. 18 attendees seems like a pretty tame figure, but if you know me to any extent, you'd know that i like small, intimate gatherings. maybe no more than 10 people. but still, it was enjoyable. the party was where screwed up thing #1 happened - i met someone who ticks all my boxes. like, this someone is really attractive, and to be unbelievably superficial, is totally my type. sharp features, good-looking, built pretty nicely, and on top of that, they have a really nice personality! granted my intuition told me that this person has a bit of a temper and wouldn't be a pushover, but i think that IF we dated, we'd be able to work past that. slight issue is that while this person is totally my type, i am totally not theirs. but i'm cool with that, since i'm supposed to be trying to advance things with my third hit anyway. at that point in time, this amazing new person that i just met would be like, "if only we met under a different set of circumstances". i suppose i will be a bit awkward around this new person for a bit, but things will eventually be ok. by some odd coincidence, we have a few mutual friends, one of whom is a chem kid. should make for an interesting conversation topic when i next see him, which should be for lunch tomorrow.

sight digression: i think that this is how cheating happens. you know, you're in a relationship with someone who is your type. then someone who's even more your type comes along, and you throw the first person away in order to pursue the new person. it's a risk, and i suppose it'll pay off if new person accepts you. doing the honourable thing (ie. leaving old person first before chasing new person) carries a much higher risk, since you'll end up with nothing if new person rejects you. people who are gracious/magnanimous to take you back after you leave them are few and far between, i imagine. so cheating allows you to hedge your bets, kind of. i see the sense in doing such a thing. it minimizes your losses, and essentially ensures that you have a backup plan/person upon which/whom to fall back. problem is, that's to your advantage only if you're the cheater. it's unfair to you if you're the one being cheated upon (obviously), and if you're the new person and you know about it, there'll be this nagging fear/uncertainty, since the cheater could cheat on you as well, probably preventing you from committing 100% to the relationship. so i guess the lesson here is if you cheat, make sure you're never caught and nobody ever finds out don't cheat...and if you're cheated upon, don't blame yourself. and don't date a cheater. right now, i would like to think that i'm strong enough to never succumb to the temptation of cheating. easy for me to say now, because i don't even have anyone to cheat on. we'll see how i hold up if/when i'm in a relationship.

back to the main story. so, this thought about cheating was forming in my head. i was thinking, should i risk what i already have (good signs with the previous person) to try and start something with the new person i just met yesterday? after doing a very brief cost-benefit analysis and weighing the odds of both courses of action, my answer was no. go me for sticking to my morals! but it turns out that i needn't have bothered, since screwed up thing #2 happened, namely that the previous person messaged me this afternoon (after my assessment/decision) to say that they weren't feeling the vibe, and that they wanted to be friends only. i admit, this affected me more than it probably should have. it's due to an unfortunate combination of factors, such as insufficient sleep, mild refereeing stress, and me thinking that we had something good going. although it's not their fault, i'll honestly say that their message ruined my entire day. the reason i say that it's not their fault is that it's a matter of feelings. i can't force someone to like me. if they're genuinely not feeling it, then all i can do is respect that and move on, with the hope that things might change somewhere down the line. i'd be upset if "feelings" was used as a convenient reason to hide the actual reason, whatever it may be. i'd rather hear the ugly truth than a pretty lie. at least, that way i have a better idea of what i have to do to improve my odds next time.

on a related note, i wonder what this "vibe" thing is. so far, both the ex-date and this new person have cited a lack of feeling as the reason for us to no longer date. i believe that insanely busy person might have felt similarly, just that they didn't have the courtesy to get back to me. in contrast, i usually feel that things are going pretty well between the person and myself, that we have a shot, until this no feeling thing is dropped on me. for the ex-date, i kind of understood and maybe expected it a little, because they already expressed some reluctance due to the physical appearance issue. so i guess in that particular context, "no feeling" referred to not finding me physically attractive enough, hence there was no/not enough desire to commit to a relationship with me. for this current person, i'm seriously baffled. our conversation was normal as recently as yesterday, only slight difference being that due to slight schedule incompatibilities over the past few days, our replies to each other were sometimes quite delayed. but other than that, the content has been pretty much the same. so i have absolutely no idea how they decided that there was no vibe. at this point in time, i trust that this person is being honest with me, simply because they haven't lied to me before (to my knowledge), and i don't think that they have a reason to lie. if the actual reason turns out to be because they've found someone out there better than me in whatever way, then it'll be much easier to let go.

no matter how well you think you're prepared for it, the feeling of being rejected still sucks. if you don't feel the slightest bit down about being rejected, then i guess (1) you've already lost hope and are expecting the outcome, and/or (2) that thing never meant much to you in the first place. combine this rejection with the other factors mentioned above, and i think you'll see why my entire day was spoiled. thankfully i'm feeling a little better after a bit of a cry in the car, and an hour or so's power nap after reaching home. my feelings are definitely still in the negative region, but not as bad as in the afternoon. it would be unrealistic (not to mention unnatural) for me to have recovered from this so quickly, so i'm expecting a worse-than-average mood for a few days at least. at the same time, i have to be professional enough to separate the various domains of my life. in other words, i shouldn't let my bad mood affect my research, nor my interaction with my minion. i trust i can at least manage such a basic thing.

AAR time. as usual, my two questions are: what went wrong, and how can i improve for next time. what went wrong...if i had to pick one thing that i wish i could erase from our entire conversation since we first started talking, it would be asking them about our status right after the first meeting. i guess i felt that since we were both looking for a relationship and since we hit it off pretty well, it would be logical to confirm things and start the relationship ASAP. i guess i didn't consider whether they felt that same level of connection or not, and how desperate/needy i must have come across as, which can be quite a turn-off. as for how i can improve, i guess i should exercise more control and be more sensitive/considerate to the other person's feelings. it's kind of weird that with all my observation skills training from coaching, i still cant pick this kind of thing up. or at least, i can't do it well. so far, my intuition has been 3 for 3, in that i get this sense of dread whenever a potential interest reduces the level/frequency of communication. doesn't happen with my friends, i guess because we have less vested interest in each other, and unlike dates, friendships tend to be more stable. my friendships do, at least. i guess dates will stabilize after they've been upgraded to relationships, but that hasn't happened yet. reminder to self for future instances - be confident and regret nothing. next question, what happens from here? well, life goes on. i'm happy that this person seems sincere about maintaining the friendship, since they agreed to meet up next weekend. i guess we'll meet, talk, maybe do some other stuff, and hopefully things will settle into some form of equilibrium.

during the emo period before i recharged with some sleep, i had several very negative thoughts. it's going to sound stupid/melodramatic, but i think that for the sake of my mental health, as well as completeness in my blogging, i should explore this train of thought in a little more detail. one of the more prominent thoughts that crossed my mind was, 'am i unloveable/unlikeable?' given my 0% success rate with relationships so far, the answer seems to be yes, from a relationship standpoint, at least. of course, this is taken rather out of context. i do have people in my life who value me and like me for me, so it really depends on the scope of the question. but for now, let's work on the assumption that the answer is yes as far as relationships are concerned. my next question would then be, "what about me makes me unloveable/unlikeable?" the first thought that comes to my mind: physical appearance. might be my insecurity showing, that one. well...i am kind of doing something about it, just that i'm not like 100% disciplined and motivated. despite that, i'm grateful that there has been progress. granted, it's not as fast as i would like, but as the coaches often emphasize, the journey is a marathon, not a sprint. ok. physical appearance aside, what else could possibly make me unattractive to people? i'm weird, have a bit of a volatile temper, can be rather awkward/not open, and probably don't make a very good first impression. i don't believe that i'm selfish, stingy, dishonest, or anything that would be a real deal-breaker though. of all these issues, i think most can be fixed by me reminding myself to be a bit more careful. and of all these issues, i think the toughest one i have to contend with is openness. i'm quite careful with my personal details, especially my photos, when dealing with strangers. i guess this stems from my wariness, plus my natural disinclination for being photographed. that in turn is probably due to deep-seated insecurity about my physical appearance. so when people ask for my photo, you know, to get an idea of who they might end up dating, i'm usually very reluctant to comply. maybe that's it. people could be talking to this nice, funny, witty guy online, and form a picture that such a good mind must have an equally good body. but when it's time for the meetup, they see...me. of course it's a bit presumptuous to say that i'm funny and witty and all that. but i wouldn't say it if i didn't believe it to even some tiny extent. to further support that, the trend so far seems to be like, i add someone up. we chat, and we seem to hit it off. you know, they'll laugh, or at least show signs of laughter through emojis and whatnot. then sooner or later, (some variation of) the dreaded question comes. "do you have a picture?". it's roughly at that point where i start to panic. ok, maybe not panic. but worry definitely. i usually decline, and some people will just cut the conversation there. i don't blame them at all. others will continue, with varying levels of enthusiasm. then it comes down to the meeting, and you know how well that's been going. perhaps i should be more upfront, like this is me, i know i'm not perfect, but i'm working to improve myself. if you can accept it, great. if not, sorry. sounds really good, but i don't think i currently have the confidence to pull something like that off.

was briefly looking at some older posts from earlier this year. it seems to be the trend that with each new person i meet, i'll post something along the lines of "i really think this could be the one!". this is despite my friend telling me not to invest my feelings at such an early stage. call me overly optimistic, stupid, naive, or whatever, but shouldn't investing yourself be the way? why would you date someone if you don't see a future together? ok, maybe some people might be into short-term relationships, like for a period of X weeks/months/years, but that's not my style. incidentally, i'll never understand that thinking. i mean, why bother finding someone if not for life, or at least for an extended period? then again, i suppose "extended period" is relative. seems like an awful waste of time to go through all the trouble to find someone with whom you're compatible, then set an expiry date on the relationship. kind of like a COE, which is a damned shame. although it hurts when things don't work out, i guess i'll continue putting my best foot forward and being serious in finding someone. it's the least i can do, right? i figure i'll keep it up until i've been hurt one too many times...though i really hope that i find my someone before i become all cynical and jaded.

last thought to conclude this post. what can i do in the meantime? well, i recently read an article entitled "how to lose weight in 4 easy steps", original post here. steps 1, 2, and 4, while practical and true, are kind of like decoys. they're basically simple stuff like avoid alcohol, fruit juice, and control your intake. in somewhat of a plot twist, the third step is "have your heart broken". i've taken the liberty of copying that particular step below.

3.) HAVE YOUR HEART BROKEN
And not just broken; shattered. Into itsy bitsy tiny little pieces, by a girl who never loved you and never will. Join the gym at your work. Start going to the gym regularly, and even though you don't know that much about exercise and you're way too weak to do pretty much anything but lift 5 lb weights and use the elliptical machines with the old people, do it until your sweat makes a puddle on the floor. Then go home and go to bed early and the next day do it again. And then again. And then again.

Listen to stories of your ex-girlfriend fucking around with gross and terrible people, stories from your friends who think they are doing you a favour. Go to the gym and make more puddles of sweat. Buy books. Learn about different muscle groups and how they work together. Start eating healthy. Learn about nutrition. Plan out your week of meals. Try to forget her.

After work one night, go up up up all the way to the top floor of the parking garage and walk all the way to the back. Look out at the twinkling lights of the skyscrapers of downtown Los Angeles and think about how every single one of those office lights represents a person. Try to imagine how they feel. What they're doing right then; if they miss someone special, if they wonder if someone special misses them. Then realize that most of those lights are probably shining into offices with no one in them except for a custodian or two. Realize you are alone, that you are staring at no one. Turn your collar up against the cold and drive home to a meal of a single chicken breast and steamed vegetables. Go to sleep. Go back to work. Go to the gym. Sweat.

Buy a scale. Pick a goal weight. Imagine the goal weight as a shining beacon on a hill. You are at the bottom, in the dark. Talk to her at work. Notice the awkward way she walks in high heels and her goofy smile when she looks over at you. Feel something clench inside your chest. Think about the gym and what muscle groups you are going to work that night.

Get on the treadmill. Push yourself to level 3, then level 4. Then 6. Run so fast you feel like you are going to die. Hit level 10. Pray for death. Think of how bad she makes you feel. Find the strength to keep going.

Late one night, make the mistake of looking at her Facebook and Instagram posts. Feel lower than you ever thought possible. Unfriend her and try to forget what you've seen. She is doing things with other people that you asked her to do with you. She is having a great time without you, and you are wasting your life listening to Taylor Swift on repeat and making sweat puddles on a gym floor.

Watch as your life shrinks down to four things: 1.) work, 2.) the gym, 3.) the food you eat, 4.) sleep. She wears the necklace you bought her and tells you that she got it "from someone who's really special". That night you discover that Slayer's "Angel of Death" might be the perfect song to do squats to.

Start to make friends at the gym. Vince and you spot each other on Wednesdays; Chase and you spot each other on Fridays. You used to look down on bro nods and fist bumps - but since that's how gym rats communicate, that’s become the language you speak most often. Work, Gym, Food, Sleep. Over and over. More sweat puddles. More fist bumps. You run hundreds of miles and lift thousands of pounds.

You start to see new people working out here and there and you realize you have done something you once thought impossible: You have become one of the regulars. Once in a while, you are the last one leaving the gym. You make a point to get to the gym earlier, but your workouts start to stretch from one hour to ninety minutes to two hours. You are now routinely the last person at the gym. You run. You lift. You make more puddles.

Your body changes slowly, then all at once - you are suddenly thin and muscular. You hit your goal weight, pick a new one, then hit it again. You go out and buy new clothes. You receive wave after wave of compliments. Your ex tells you that she's seeing someone else. Your chest clenches. You feel exhausted.

That night you go to the gym. You listen to all her favourite songs. You run farther and lift more than you thought your body was capable of. It is a good workout. It leaves you numb. You go home and eat a single chicken breast and steamed vegetables. You go to sleep. You dream of a bottomless black puddle.

You've stopped drinking alcohol months ago, so now when you hang out at bars or parties you don't talk to anyone new. But with your new body and new clothes, gorgeous women hit on you constantly. One time, a woman literally comes up to you and says she thinks you'd be good in bed and hands you a napkin with her number on it. As she is talking to you, her hand resting on your chest inside your shirt, all you can think of is how badly you need to beat your best time sprinting across the park across from your house the next day. That night when you get home you research the best shoes for trail running and click "buy". The shoes are a hundred dollars. The phone number goes in the trash.

There is a girl you see a lot at the gym, who always does these weird leg exercises you've never seen before. She's beautiful. You make it a point to not look at her - because you are overly worried about looking creepy like that guy in the blue shirt who never wears underwear and always hangs around the lat pulldown machine - but you notice this girl is always at the gym when you are, and seems to always choose the bench next to you. You turn up the Slayer and concentrate on making your puddles bigger.

Your ex parades her new boyfriend around, flatly ignoring you the entire time. He is taller than you, more ripped than you, better looking than you, and - according to the Greek chorus of your mutual friends - he comes from money. As you watch her introduce him to everyone but you, you remember how her blue eyes lit up underneath the ferris wheel on her birthday when you gave her those bracelets she's wearing. In your pocket, your hand makes itself into a fist.

That night, you deadlift your body weight. You sneak a photo of yourself in the mirror and email it to yourself with the subject heading "You Are A Warrior". The next day you are disgusted with yourself and delete it.

You make puddle after puddle after puddle and eat single chicken breasts and work and sleep and the weather gets warm and then gets cold and you know all of Taylor Swift's songs by heart and the only things that exist in the entire universe are you and The Gym and then something different happens: a night comes where you are not the last person in the gym.

It is you and the girl who does the weird leg exercises. You end up walking out at the same time.

Her name is Melissa and she works in the building next to you. She's worked there for two years. She asks you out to dinner on Friday, promising it'll be healthy. The leg exercises are Pivoting Curtsy Lunges.

You start seeing Melissa a lot, both inside the gym and out. You tell no one. You add a couple cheat days to your week - for when you two get dinner and share dessert - and you start getting a lot less sleep. You phase out Slayer in favour of Springsteen. Vince and Chase note that you've stopped looking like you're praying for death when you run. Your ex texts you late at night to ask you out to coffee, but you don't write her back. You can’t remember the last time you fantasized about puddles.

One night you're walking Melissa to her car in the parking garage and she is parked up up up all the way on the top floor. She says she wants to show you something and she takes your hand and leads you all the way to the back. You both stand there in the dark looking out over the twinkling lights of the skyscrapers of downtown Los Angeles.

"Isn't it beautiful?" She says. "All those lights."

You tell her that yes, it's beautiful, but it makes you sad. All those pretty lights mean nothing; they're just shining into cold lonely offices with nobody in them. Melissa squeezes your hand and says yes, each light is an empty office - but they're only empty because the people have all gone home for the day. All those twinkling lights aren't sad; each one is a person who's at home, happy with the one they love. And how romantic is that?

You look at her in the lights and she smiles. Something in your chest expands.

Late one Sunday afternoon you are writing out your rent check and realize it's been exactly a year since you started working out. You think of all those miles you've run and those pounds you've lifted and chicken you've eaten and puddles you've made. It doesn't seem that bad. You realize that it's not about hitting a goal weight, or lifting a weight. It's about being able to wait. Waiting, being patient, and trusting that life will slowly inch along and things will eventually get better. After all, change takes time.

But time is all it takes.

granted, it's not really describing my situation. my gym works on a different principle, for one. and on a more serious level, i'm not at that stage yet. sounds like the guy in the article went through a (really really) bad breakup, and might even have minor depression as a side effect. for me, it's not even a breakup. you can't break apart things that were never together. but i suppose to look at it another way, occupying myself with something (gym, in this example, though it could just as easily be judo or research) would help time to pass more quickly, and help me get over my heartbreak. yes, it's mild in comparison, but as i read on facebook or somewhere, if two people get stabbed, is there really any point in comparing the severity of the stab wounds? so i guess i'll have to push myself harder in other aspects of my life.

-random thought of the day: Refereeing performance suffers when sleep-deprived.-

Mid-week update! haven't done one of these in a while. so much has happened in the last 5 days. most of it is good, some others not so much. guess i should approach this in a somewhat chronological manner.

starting from saturday, it was my birthday! spent some of the day in lab, and met some friends for dinner and pool. it wasn't to celebrate for me, by the way. just to meet up and do something which we've been talking about doing for a while. this year, i got much much fewer birthday greetings, mainly from the chem kids and some family people. all i did was to hide the date on facebook. it's how i prefer it, actually. just low-key, quiet wishes, and expensive presents. ok, maybe not so much the last one, but i wouldn't complain if someone would be kind enough to pay for my next COE. i was just thinking...my russian postdoc (the same one that got offended on my behalf) makes a big deal out of birthdays. like, she's been organizing celebrations for everyone's birthdays, and of course we did the same for her. i wonder how offended she would be if we didn't celebrate for her. it's a nice gesture, and i hate to appear ungrateful, but i'm just wondering...what if someone (like me) doesn't want to celebrate their birthday? thankfully she went on leave this week, so i escaped the whole singing and cake cutting thing. the cake is still in the lab fridge though. should probably settle it before it spoils. back to the topic. is it ok to force someone to celebrate their birthday when they don't want to? i mean, the intention is good...you want that someone to feel special for his/her day, but to that person, it may be awkward, or embarrassing, or (more unlikely,) traumatic. i wonder.

the next 2 days passed without much fanfare...judo as the main highlight of sunday as usual, followed by a day in lab on monday. not sure why, but my experiments have been failing recently. wonder if it's because i've gotten careless, or if my hands don't work so well any more. even simple reactions that are like stir overnight at room temperature, no special precautions, have been screwing up. i can't explain it. i have no idea what's going wrong. perhaps i need to wash out all my glassware more thoroughly, and try again with purer starting materials. whatever it is, i'm sure it's only temporary. it had better be.

yesterday kind of made up for all the suckiness. left lab a little early to meet someone at vivocity. someone being the third hit that i mentioned in the last post. at this point in time, i am insanely optimistic that this hit might become a lead, and even move into clinical trials. we hit it off really well, and they even bought me a cake when they knew my birthday was this month. ok, it wasn't really a cake. don't know how to describe it, either. it was basically a cookie base (the kind found in cheesecakes) with a roll of something pudding-like and cheesy that was stuffed with a berry-flavoured jam. it was a familiar taste, but i'll be damned if i remember which berry it was. nevertheless, it tasted good! not too heavy, pleasantly sweet, and the base was amazing. both crisp and crumbly. i felt so bad that they had to carry it around for about an hour before we met. granted that they took half-day from work, and would be early anyway, but still. hopefully the chocolates i bought them made up for it.

we hung out from like 4:30pm to 9:30pm-ish. had the cake, walked around a bit, sat down and talked, had dinner, walked onto sentosa boardwalk, sat down and talked, went back to vivocity for dessert, walked around a bit more at daiso, then went home. all in all, i'd classify it as a date, and a pretty successful one at that. what makes me so optimistic about this person is that they told me, "i accept you as you are", which is the exact opposite of the ex-date's physical appearance issues. granted, this was said to me before we met, so i took it with a pinch of salt at that time. i was so happy that they seemed to mean what they said. another thing that makes me super happy is how mature this person is! as we were about to part ways, i (stupidly) asked what our status was, and if we were dating. bear in mind that this was our first meeting. that person was hesitant to confirm our dating status so quickly, saying that it was a bit scary. in retrospect, i agreed. guess i want to "reserve" this person before anyone else sees how amazing this person is. the thing that baffles me is that this person had an ex, who was not exactly abusive, but took this person for granted. i'll never figure out why, but i'm insanely grateful for the ex's blindness. how does one give up such an amazing person!? there are so many things i already appreciate about this person, and we've only known each other for a week! their maturity, easygoing nature, ready bright smile, good humour...i really really hope we end up together. and whether it's getting together or breaking up, i'm pretty sure that the decision will be a mutual one. but let's not get carried away. focus on the present, and appreciate what's going on now.

i was a little worried for a couple of reasons today. first, that this person didn't really talk much today. that worried me because i thought that they might have been having second thoughts after our meetup yesterday. thankfully, they just messaged to say that it was a busy day in the office, plus they had dinner with friends, hence the period of radio silence. i have no reason to disbelieve them, because their actions are consistent. like while we were out yesterday, they also didn't really look at their phone all that much. not to mention that the ex-date had a very strict no messaging during office hours policy which i abided by, so i guess i'm overreacting. the second reason that i'm worried is because i was worried in the first place. confused? well, the thing is, we've not committed to each other, so i guess i'm worried because i may be overly worried that someone else comes along and snatches this amazing person away. and with each period of silence, these worries intensify. to paraphrase, i'm worried that i'm overly attached already. and i thought my friend was pushy! well, at least i can refrain from asking for updates too frequently, or spamming messages (my friend doesn't do that, but it's an example of overly-attached things to do). just have to remember to take things slow, and to quote phil collins, "you can't hurry love; no, you just have to wait. just trust in a good time, no matter how long it takes". i hope my wait will pay off. meanwhile, i should focus on getting to know this person better, and on making good memories with them, i guess. fingers crossed!

quick little digression before i end off. the person was telling me how more success in one area of life might lead to decreased success in another. the example they gave was wealth and love. like, they were afraid that their mahjong luck would get worse after meeting and dating me (it was said jokingly, so there's nothing serious yet). incidentally, it seems that they're really good at mahjong. should take them to meet scary; they might give her a run for her money. i wonder if this idea applies to my research and love life? like, now that there's a chance to date someone, will all my experiments bomb? signs are beginning to point to yes, but i should also remember that just because events happen at the same time, it doesn't mean that they're related in any way. well...it'll be a new day in lab tomorrow. i'll continue fighting.

-random thought of the day: So many moron drivers today.-

Jealousy and envy are often used interchangeably, but there's a slight difference (i think). it's been a while since i've checked, so forgive me if i'm wrong. my perception is that envy is a bit milder, like "i wish i had that". jealousy is a bit less nice, like "i wish i had that instead of him/her having it". to phrase it differently, envy and jealousy both have the common element of wanting what someone else has, but to me, jealousy has the added connotation of "it should be me instead". neither of them are positive traits, i think. and so, i'm ashamed to admit that i have been feeling rather envious recently. two of our referees passed their continental licence recently. i don't think that either one should have failed; to me, they are both competent and more than qualified for that level of refereeing. however, and pardon me if i sound arrogant, i feel like i should be alongside them. i've been refereeing for about 4.5 years now, ever since i got my black belt. only a few referees can say that they've refereed at every single national schools competition since getting their license, and i'm one of them. given my length of constant service, i feel that i should be up for SJF A at the minimum. my refereeing ability may not be the best, but i'd say i'm within the top 10% of referees at my equivalent rank. and i have no idea why the promotion isn't going through. my understanding from a conversation with the referee director is that the management committee refuses to approve my promotion.

i have a couple of major issues with this. firstly, the major issue is with their method. the referee director told me that they assess us by pulling up video clips of bouts that we referee, and counting the number of mistakes we make. that in itself is problematic, but i suppose it's some (misguided) metric of performance. my problem is what counts as a mistake. from what i understand, even a "wrong" score is a mistake. but hey...that's what we have table judges for! and opinions are bound to differ based on viewing angle. so to have a score correction doesn't count as a mistake to me. i corrected an IJF international referee's score in macau! does that mean she should be demoted? to be fair, i concede that it can be a mistake if the correction is like 2 or 3 levels off. but so far, in my last few competitions, i don't remember having my score corrected by that large a margin.

wait, it gets better. i've said that the management is in charge of approving promotions. i've also said that i can't stand being judged by people who are less/not qualified. to my knowledge, the panel consists of a continental referee, whose certification has expired, and someone who has no referee certification at all, and an SJF referee who hasn't refereed for about 2 years, among others who i don't know. how can such people decide!? logically speaking, shouldn't it be the referee director and active senior referees who decide promotions!? don't get me wrong though, i'm not adverse to receiving constructive feedback. like, if someone says i look nervous, clumsy, or whatever, i'll do my best to see it for myself and rectify it if necessary. but when feedback comes from people who don't know what they're talking about, it's frustrating. even more so when such a person has a say in your promotion. bleh. enough about that.

by right, the renovation works should have ended on tuesday, since that was the projected end date given to us. the works actually went on until yesterday. even this morning, none of the plastic sheets had been removed yet. i'm not exactly sure what the workers' job scope is. on the schedule, "clean up" was listed as the last item on the last day. it didn't really specify what the clean up was. for all i know, the plastic sheets will have to be removed my the homeowners themselves. well...whatever the case, i hope that things can be cleared up by this weekend. if we are really to move by the end of this year, i can't delay my packing schedule much more.

the 2-day extension of the renovation quite annoyed me. it was worst on wednesday, since i stayed home to rest after coughing until after 3:00am the previous night. was so noisy! made resting all but impossible. i wonder if there's a breach of contract anywhere, and whether we can lodge a complaint or something. something tells me that odds are no. but well, somehow, i don't feel that upset about it now. guess it's because (1) it's over, and (2) i'm not that sick any more. somehow being sick reduces my tolerance and patience a lot. might be because i'm feeling sucky, and don't have the extra capacity to deal with more negative stuff.

above that, one thing that quite scared me was that the workers somehow managed to open the front door and let themselves in! when i leave the house for gym in the mornings, i'll normally leave the door partially closed and jam something in the gap so that it can be pushed open. although i worry a bit about security, i was somehow convinced that it was necessary so that the works could be completed on time. then, when i was sick, i woke up to hear all the drilling, hammering and other assorted construction noises like right outside my room door. i seriously wonder how they got access. maybe someone left a spare key with the neighbours. well...doesn't appear like anything's missing after so many days, so i guess i'm relieved.

now that the renovations are complete (i think), i have access to at least 1 out of 2 toilets. the workmanship is pretty good, and i don't have any serious complaints. then again, i'll only be using these facilities for another 3 months, max. i was quite impressed by some of the features, namely the floor tiles, which are somehow anti-slip, even when wet. makes me wonder if nanotechnology like the lizard's foot thing was used in its fabrication. then again, that might drive costs up, so i don't know. couple of minor complaints is that they removed the entire counter space. so, the previous design was that there was a sink/counter, ie. that the sink was surrounded by a solid surface on which we put shampoo, soap, and other toiletries. now, there's just a sink, with no surrounding space. it takes some getting used to, i guess. another thing i'm not too happy about is they hung the mirror slightly lower than before, so i have to bend down to see my face. and somehow, the bar of hooks for hanging clothes wasn't mounted back. but well. another 3 months maximum. no big deal. at least i can shower at home now.

in the lab, i'm going back to organic synthesis for a while. need to make a better fluorophore. got a pretty good feeling about this one. as long as it reacts well with the isocyanate. i kind of realized that i've been stuck in the same spot for a little bit too long. that revelation was brought about my my senior, who had his thesis defense today. it was scary, to be honest, even as an audience member. there was this whole air of seriousness. and somehow, i imagined myself up there. the thing that kind of hit me hardest was the emotions that imaginary me would have felt. fear and anxiety being the main contributors, of course. i think i might actually cry after it's over. but we're talking about something that's going to happen a few years later at the earliest. no point worrying about that now. i just hope that my own defense will be relatively painless.

my senior brought his girlfriend along to listen to his defense. turns out she's from our course, and in their year. since the senior is 2 years older than me, that means she's my age (assuming she went the JC route). random info. anyway. the point is that i'd really really want to share something that big with a special someone when it's my turn. it would help to know that someone has your back, i guess. and on that front, things are still kind of bleak. the previous person i was talking to (the one who's super busy) seems to not have any romantic (or even platonic) interest in me, as evidenced by their lack of communication. and i kind of chanced upon their posting in a singles forum, so that's even more damning proof. well...we only met once, plus text messaging and a few phone calls. that still doesn't count for much, i guess. part of the whole screening/filtering process. pity that none of my hits turned out to be leads yet. but then, it's only been 3 hits. yes, 3. will talk about the third one soon. high-throughput screening normally requires something in the 5-digit range. not that i expect to screen tens of thousands of people...that would be a bit unrealistic/exhausting.

so, about the third hit. we started talking on wednesday (i remember because i was home sick), and we hit it off. both looking for something a little deeper, like a life partner type of thing. so far, we've made arrangements to meet next tuesday, which is kind of exciting and terrifying. so far things have been going well, so i should probably take heart in that. although someone once told me that i'd have to get my heart shattered repeatedly before finding the one, i'm kind of hoping to prove that person wrong...like, my person will be this third one. then again...i shouldn't think/hope too much. like the thesis defense thing, this is out of my control at this point in time.

was quite confused by the ex-date. they sent me a voice message this morning over whatsapp, singing me happy birthday. i appreciated the gesture, despite it being a day early. i'm just not sure...do friends do this for each other? i know i don't do that for any of my friends. i don't want to read too much into simple gestures. maybe because they don't have that many friends, so the friends that they do have get better treatment? i wonder. but well...i guess i won't rock this particular boat. no need for unnecessary drama.

-random thought of the day: Haircut time!-

Group meeting went slightly better than expected. i did get scolded...well, not really. the most appropriate term would be "我被讲", which literally translates to "i was spoken to". there's a very slight negative connotation, which does not equate to a scolding, or even a reproach. quite hard to quantify it, now that i'm trying. basically my professor was a bit dissatisfied with my (lack of) results, and kind of criticized some of my alternate proposals. i think he thought that i was straying a bit too far from the original idea, because he called me to his office the next day to kind of reset/recalibrate with me. it was a pretty good talk, i think we spoke for 20-30 minutes? but now at least i have somewhat of a clearer idea of where to go from here, and some alternatives i can use in case the original idea crashes.

there was one quite interesting incident that happened during group meeting that i want to talk about a bit. my professor was clearly under the weather, so perhaps his mood was a bit affected. and since i didn't have anything good to present, it shouldn't come as a surprise if his mood worsened. whatever the reason, he said something like, "if you can't do it, i'll hire someone who can". admittedly, it's uncharacteristic based on what i know about him, but figuring that it was due to him being sick and frustrated, i didn't think too much about it. interestingly, my postdoc was offended on my behalf. granted that she's (1) russian and (2) female, so our thought processes are vastly different. she was saying that we asians are so resillient, and that if it had been her on the receiving end of such a statement, she'd cry for 2 hours minimum. i don't know...to me, it was more or less normal. no doubt it didn't sound nice, but it barely affected me. perhaps it's just the result of growing up in different cultures, and having different levels of sensitivity as a result. i suppose the gender difference plays a part, too. just an interesting observation, that's all.

other news...let's see...the ex-date asked me out for dinner last sunday, as friends. we went to this ramen place in tanjong pagar, called hakata ikkousha. apparently it's really famous, and i can see why. price-wise it was a tiny bit rough, but the food was good. not to mention the free hard-boiled eggs, which was a nice bonus. i suppose it would be too much to ask for free ramen eggs. but one could hope. next time i go, i'll ask for normal noodles, normal hardness. the thin noodles weren't quite substantial enough to bite through. overall, i was satisfied. the ex-date then suggested going for a movie, which i was ok with. we ended up at JEM (they stay in the west) and watching hotel transylvania 2. the movie was underwhelming. to me, the storyline was kind of weak, and there were too many jokes reused from the first movie. a bit here and there is nice for nostalgia, but they overdid it, i think. overall...not worth watching in the cinema.

being in such close proximity to them for about 5 hours gave me a bit of mixed feelings. am i ok with meeting them as friends? yes. did i enjoy myself throughout the outing? yes. do i want us to try dating again? perhaps...but it's not a must. i mean, i wouldn't be against it, but i don't think it's something that i'd actively pursue right now. i guess maintaining things as they are is ok with me. i don't want to get too close, though, in case my stupid heart decides to take over again. and so far, there's nothing from their side to indicate any interest beyond the platonic, so i guess i'm overthinking. well...i'm not discounting the possibility of a relationship with this person in the future, but well...not right now, i guess.

as for the other person i'm kind-of seeing, they told me that they'd be free in october. well, it's october now, and the're suddenly busy until november. my instinct is to say that they're leading me on, or finding an indirect way to reject me, but i'll give benefit of doubt here. if i'm met with another delay, then i guess i'd better start looking elsewhere. there's only so much i can push before things go out of my hands.

speaking of pushing, my friend and his ex are in a not-too-good place right now. forgive me for not mincing my words this time, but the ex's recent behaviour has been selfish and brainless. my friend wants them to get back together, but the ex says that although she still loves him, she needs her own time and space blah blah. so my friend has been restraining himself in terms of calling, messaging, and meeting up, and basically giving in to her (somewhat unreasonable) demands. THEN, she comes and tells my friend that since they haven't had much contact, she's starting to like another guy. i mean, WHAT!!?? YOU asked for time alone, then you have this change of heart? the worst thing is that she tells my friend that he's perfect and irreplaceable, yet she likes someone else. HOW DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE!!?? ok, fine. let's say you can't control your feelings, and you fell for someone else. then why would you tell that to the guy who still loves you, and whom you claim to love, if you're not going to make a clean break? i'm not saying that it should be hidden from my friend. i'm saying that the ex should sort out her own damned feelings before raising the alarm. and she should also have spared a thought for how that information would affect my friend, since he's utterly smitten with her. some of his other friends have basically been telling him the same thing i have, which long story short, is "drop the bitch!". as you might expect, he won't listen. his argument is always the same. they've had so many happy times together, it seems a waste to throw it all away. i've been telling him that past happiness doesn't guarantee future happiness, and he agrees with me. yet, he refuses to do anything that might initiate the healing process. and he doesn't seem to believe that there's another person out there who may potentially bring him even more happiness. what to do? some people are just stuck in their own misery, i guess. perhaps i'm being protective of my friend. but you guys, as neutral observers, tell me. is she a jackass or what? and does she deserve the sign in this next video? no prizes for guessing my answer.

been to the gym every day this week, including today. aching more than usual, which i think is a good thing. i realize that actually, leading a healthy lifestyle isn't that difficult. the problem that i face is that food is too easily available. my normal routine is that i'll come home after lab, and have a quick bite before going to bed. now that the fridge is under wraps, that's somewhat of a difficulty. so for the past week, my last meal has actually been before 8:30pm, which i think is a small achievement. perspective: my last meal times can sometimes hit the am region. so i'll celebrate my improvement.

something called quarterly testing is ongoing at the gym now. as the name implies, it happens once about every 3 months, and is for members to gauge their improvement. i think i joined just as the last session of testing ended, so if i do decide to try it, this'll be my first time. got a peek at the "syllabus" today. 1 minute each of pull-ups, push-ups, squats, with a minute's rest between each different exercise, plus some other more complicated stuff. i'm actually rather hesitant to try it. but then again ah, what do i have to lose? if i start with horrible scores, i'm sure that after 3 months of regular working out, i should do better next quarter, right? maybe it's just my ego preventing me from doing it...like will the coaches or other members look down on me? i know the coaches won't and the others seem nice enough. so i have not much idea what's stopping me. perhaps it's time to take a leap of faith.

-random thought of the day: Blog about shiny.-