While walking back from rivervale mall just now, a thought struck me. you can kind of tell which are the good teachers who have taught you if you still remember something they taught after a long time skip. i've got 3 such teachers/memories which i retain to this day: Mr Lee, and the way he taught electrolysis. 4 diagrams, along with "an ox, red cat". my sec 3 and 4 maths teacher, who taught us differentiation by making us do it from first principles, before telling us the shortcut of "bring the power down to the coefficient and reduce it by 1". although that might be memorable because it was sadistic on his part, but ultimately necessary for our retention. lastly, my JC physics teacher, for the way he taught most topics, but electricity and quantum physics in particular. while i'm not good enough to be a physics major, i think i can teach almost any topic at a-level with a night's preparation time. i wouldn't bet my life on it, though!

been doing some contemplation over these past few days, about what to do with my life, and how to fit all the major things that i want into the timeline. currently, there's plan japan, plan JLPT, plan get fit, plan learning lab, and plan earn more money. the last two basically go together, so that's not much of an issue. somehow, reexamining all this makes me think that plan japan won't happen in july. heck, it might not even happen this year! there's one compromise i can make with myself for that, and that's to go to japan for a holiday sometime later this year, circumstances permitting. i've been to japan twice in the summer, so i'm thinking of waiting till autumn this time round.

as for events of a more important nature, i've sent out another round of chemistry-related job applications. just based on my personal experience with both portals, i think that jobstreet is better than glassdoor for jobs based in singapore. jobstreet seems to have more jobs available, and local companies/organizations like NUS advertise more there. i applied to another 6 or 7 jobs, this time branching out from just chemist jobs to things like patent attorney, scientific writer, and lab manager. that last one is being offered by NUS, though it doesn't appear to be from the department of chemistry. assuming all the jobs i applied for pay the same, this lab manager one would probably be my first choice in terms of familiarity. but i don't see this to be a long-term thing, either. no visible career progression. maybe just something to form the base of my resume, and to show that i have working experience.

there was a recent meme about marie kondo, the japanese lifestyle/organization expert. i didn't follow it too closely, but i think her philosophy is to get rid of anything that doesn't spark joy in your life, and to offer your thanks to things that you used to cherish before bidding them goodbye. in that spirit, i've listed a few things on carousell, among which is a fountain pen. that leaves me down to 7 pens or so, two of which are the same model (just different nib sizes). i think that unless any other super cool pens come out, the maximum size of my "collection" will be 10 maximum. right now, i've got my eye on the ridiculously expensive pens with the amazing filling system and titanium nibs, as well as the pilot vanishing point, which is not that high on my priority list. pens aside, i don't think i have too many non-essential things. mainly books and DVDs, i guess. should look into giving away some books as well. problem is, all my friends' kids are still too young to read at those books' level, which are suited for teenagers and above.

back to more important thoughts. on the topic of organizing, i was also organizing my finances. filled my hole of debt slightly thanks to money from pay day, and started looking for ways to make my money work for me more effectively. one way to do that is to get a credit card, which gives me more cashback for the money that i have to spend anyway. the strategy is to wait for february's CPF contribution to be credited, as that'll make my contribution history look more credible. not that i think that it's not credible enough now, but i've had difficulty with credit card applications before, ironically when earning more money than i do now. the second thing i did was to get a mightyFX account, which allows me to make payment in foreign currencies without incurring admin or conversion fees. it's going to come in handy, since my final fantasy monthly subscription fee is paid in euros. and with the next expansion coming out (and optional items that i want for sale), i'll need to save where i can. of course, you may argue that not spending money is the ultimate form of saving, and you'd be right. but trading money for entertainment is ok with me.

had two frustrating phone calls while walking to rivervale mall. frustrating in that i was kept on hold for longer than i spoke to an actual person. managed to clarify some doubts regarding my bank account, and also found out that a battery replacement for the smartwatch is cheaper than i'd been told by my friend. the nice samsung guy told me that the estimated cost (including labour charges) would be around $95, which sounds fairly reasonable. my friend had said that he was quoted $250, but that was a while ago when the watch was still relatively new. i'm definitely strongly considering getting the battery changed. it lasts for about 12 hours with light usage now, which i can sort of live with, i guess? after all, i'm rarely out of the house for 12-hour stretches. but i think i might as well get the problem fixed since it's still affordable. on that note, i realize how fortunate i am, that i still consider an extra $100 unnecessary expense to be "affordable".

my trip to rivervale mall was for groceries (fruits, mainly). and since i was there, i went to check on our toto ticket. out of 15 sets of numbers, we only had one set worth anything. because 3 out of 7 numbers in that set matched the winning numbers, we won a total of $40. or rather, we ended up losing only $5 each, since the cost of the tickets was $60 to start with. not bad for a first time, but again, i don't foresee myself doing this regularly. still, it's kind of fun. and we have another chance to win money in the singapore sweep. the prize money is less, though - $2 million or so for first prize before we split it 4 ways. hopefully we get a consolation prize at least. that's $1000, and would put us well into the black. but again, realistically, the odds are low.

now, about organization and upcoming events. i realize how far behind i am in terms of test-readiness for JPLT. as a result, i might shift taking it to december, or even put it off until a job in japan requires it. plans get fit, learning lab, and earn more money are best executed while i'm in singapore. going back to the gym next monday, so that's a start. will have to do groceries for healthy eating, too. there is still a possibility that plan japan might be initiated within the year, and that's if really no job offers come in. considering that i will push to go to the SEA games as a referee, flying to the philippines from singapore would be easier, i guess. i will look into JET program application in november, if it really comes down to that. there's also my friend's wedding in june, which we're going to china for. so that means i've got to set money aside for the plane ticket and other assorted expenses.

for now, i think that that covers most things. i wonder how long it will take for a company to actually grant me an interview, and which company it will be. good thing that i'm not applying indiscriminately, so if any of the companies i applied to responds positively, at least i'll have some idea of what the job entails.

-random thought of the day: Is my computer slowing down?-

Everything ended up going well this past weekend. the planning staff ended up not having to activate the standby, and the class went on as per normal without me having to do anything. they've warned me that there's another standby next week, so there's that. next week's schedule isn't fully set yet, because a good part of it depends on whether the teacher needs to take time off or not. nevertheless, i've been warned well in advance, so i'll be prepared for it.

you may know from a couple of posts back that i've signed an extension to my contract, which gives the provision for me to cover weekday classes on an ad-hoc basis (for a higher hourly rate!). had my first such cover today, and i think it went well enough. have to remember that on weekdays, kids are coming from school, so they may be a little saturated in terms of brain capacity. unfortunately, there's still the same amount of material to cover in the same amount of time. i guess what i can do is to teach in a little less detail and focus on the main points. thankfully today's class was small, and everyone was cooperative. we actually got through the material with time to spare!

next, i called the institution where Mr Lee is supposedly working at, and they forwarded my number to him. he got back to me within 10 minutes of me sending them my contact details! i was incredibly happy that i managed to reestablish contact with him. even more mind-blowingly, i mentioned that i got my phd under my professor, and it turns out that Mr Lee taught my professor when he was in JC! it makes me wonder how old he is. i know that my professor is about 15 to 16 years older than me. assuming Mr Lee went to teach in JC immediately after graduating from NIE, that would mean that he was 25 or 26 when my professor was 17. so...he would be in his mid-50s now, at the very least. sounds about right; i think he was in his early to mid-40s when he taught us in cat high 15 years ago. unfortunately, the conversation doesn't seem to be sustaining itself. he hasn't responded to my offer of having a meal or coffee together. i could take this as a sign that he isn't too interested to catch up, or that he thinks this brief text message exchange is sufficient. i'm sure that he's had many more successful students (my professor being one of them), so it may not seem like a big deal to him. or, it could due to other reasons, like he's busy, or simply because he's having a bad day. regardless, i am happy that i managed to get in contact with him and update him, as well as to let him know how big of an impact he's had on my life. barring any extraordinary circumstances, i'll continue to respect him as a brilliant educator and look forward to speaking with him whenever his schedule/other circumstances allow.

to be very objective about it though, i don't really know Mr Lee as well as i do some of my other teachers. he only taught me in sec 4, and only for chemistry. that means i saw him for less than 5 hours a week. so, he could be putting on his "in-class" persona while teaching, but actually not want anything to do with his students outside of the classroom. i doubt it, but it's a possibility. just think, though - such little contact was already enough to make such a huge impact on me. well...i'll try again soon, and i hope that he'll be a bit more open to conversation. above all, i really hope that this doesn't turn out to be a "never meet your heroes" moment. but that's not really within my control, is it?

japanese class tomorrow, and guess who hasn't done any homework? that'll be for tomorrow morning. somehow, i think plan japan may be delayed. there are a couple of reasons: my lack of confidence and ability for the JPLT, as well as the chance to earn more money by working at the learning lab. to be fair, they're paying me quite well, and my finances could use more boosting. let's not forget that most companies recommend that i have at least $3500 on hand to settle expenses (rent, various fees) upon landing in japan. so, i may need to work some months to hit that savings goal. i figure it'll be ok. plus, if i'm really aiming for japan, i'll be selling or scrapping the car, which will be another source of money. for now, i just want to relax.

-random thought of the day: Look into credit card applications soon.-

Two things to blog about very quickly before i continue organizing my mountain of paper.

first, i had a not-very-nice text exchange with a staff member of the planning office at the learning lab. they messaged at around 5:00pm, wanting me to standby to cover a class tomorrow morning. i told them it was impossible because i had a class immediately before, and would thus not be able to prepare in time. i haven't even read the notes for the last-minute class yet! they fired back that given the time of notification, i had tonight to prepare. now, i'm not the kind of person to draw clear lines between obligatory and extra work. i've gone back to lab to do experiments on more weekends than i care to remember, and i've even gone back to the learning lab offices on a couple of friday nights to print notes for last-minute saturday morning cover classes. but for them to take for granted that i would sacrifice my personal time to prepare for class...that didn't sit well with me. of course, i'll help out wherever i can, but this request is beyond my capability. even worse, the staff tried to throw the rulebook at me, by going "by right, you're supposed to..." that was what really annoyed me. so i drew the line, and told them that i was not obligated to work on my days off, and that included class prep. if they continue to draw lines, i'll have to bring out the "you're not paying me for my extra time" card, which is not very nice, but may be necessary. i hope this doesn't sour the relationship, or at least that people will be professional enough to understand. i'm recalling a friend's advice - to grow a big backbone against the management. maybe the honeymoon period is over, and some less-rosy things are emerging.

second, it's taken me a long while, but i've finally tracked Mr Lee down. no, i'm not referring to myself or any of my relatives. Mr Lee is the teacher who has quite possibly made the biggest impact on my life by getting me interested in chemistry way back in secondary school, and for making me believe that chemistry is easy - a philosophy that i try to pass on to the kids i teach. the last time i had any contact with him was when he was teaching in RJC, around 2010 or 2012. he's apparently not teaching in schools any more, and is now in a private tuition centre/institution. interestingly, that place is near NUS. so i guess it's been a case of "so near, yet so far" for a while. i'm definitely excited to pay him a visit, though i'm not sure if he'll remember me. regardless, i think he'll be happy to know that he's made such an impact. of all the past teachers i've visited so far, this visit is hands down the one i'm looking forward to the most. will probably schedule it for monday, if he's available.

back to paper sorting!

-random thought of the day: Weird feeling in my chest.-

Meeting most of my schedule targets this week has left me feeling accomplished. from monday until today, every day's agenda has had at least one time-sensitive item. it feels good, but the downside is that i've not had much alone time to process my thoughts and settle some less urgent stuff.

the week started with TCM on monday. got my jaw pushed back into place, which hurt like mad. there was the usual massage, cupping, and being stabbed with needles too. all in all not the most pleasant experience, but my jaw feels much better now. at least it's not getting stuck when i close my mouth. minor downside is that the left side of my face feels sore, i'm not supposed to eat anything too hard or chewy, and i can't open my mouth too wide. that last thing makes activities like yawning a little risky, since there's a chance of the alignment slipping again. so far so good, though. as usual, i had a conversation with the massage therapist as she was working on me. the staff at the clinic more or less know about my decision to not have kids already, and we were talking about something related when she said that it was self-centred and immature to not want kids. i'm open to opposing perspectives, and i'll even agree with self-centred. but why immature? maybe it's because by not having kids, i'll never experience having people to provide for and who are fully dependent on me, or the unconditional love that a parent feels to their child. you know what? i'm perfectly fine with that. no matter how i look at it, the cons of having kids outweigh the pros by a huge margin. but that's going to be a post in itself. so far, i haven't heard any really solid reason in favour of having kids. the call from the learning lab came through just after TCM, and we discussed two things: the possibility of me adding a day to my schedule, and that of me getting a raise after the official degree conferment. both topics didn't hit the best-case scenario, unfortunately. while the answer to the raise was "we can't offer you anything now, but we'll get the relevant team to review it" (short answer - "no"), we managed to reach a compromise on additional hours. i won't have another full day, but i'll have ad-hoc weekday cover classes which i'm free to accept or decline. weirdly enough, the per-hour rate that they pay for these ad-hoc classes is higher than my weekend rate. maybe it's due to the urgency and last-minute nature of these things. well, i won't say no to more money, especially if it's for doing something that i already know how to do. they've already scheduled me for 2 classes sometime in march, which is great.

went to the gym after that to get a consultation and inform them of my plans to go back. they did a measurement, and some body fat has came back. not exactly surprised, considering the less-than-ideal lifestyle (health-wise) i've been leading while on hiatus these 2 months. the plan is to start in march, because cashflow. the coaches were accommodating in that regard, which i thought was nice. since gym finished earlier than expected, i went to pick up scary JC friend as we were scheduled for dinner together. there were 2 other people as well: her boyfriend/my friend, and her god-brother of sorts. we ate at ikoi, where the food was good as usual. benefits of dining with a regular, i guess. we then somehow ended up going to a bar in serangoon gardens, where they drank and played drinking games, such as beer pong and dice. i just watched and drank water. the god-brother turned out to be a darts player, so he occupied himself at the dartboard. some other cat high guys, including the lawyer friend with whom i reconnected only very recently, came down as well. it was a fun time, if a little loud. and it served as a good reminder of why i don't drink to excess. the god-brother was easily the most interesting person i met that night, maybe because i knew everyone else already. you know how most people are better-looking from a distance than up close? he's the opposite, which i thought was quite unique. i don't know what it is though. maybe a combination of his hairstyle, face (smile and eyes specifically), and glasses? regardless, it was nice. no, nothing's going to happen. he smokes, is not into guys, and most importantly, is acquainted with scary JC friend. still, he's good to look at, which is good for my heart.

probably the most important things in my week happened on tuesday, when i had the sports council meeting and had to pick my cousin-in-law up from the airport. this is where i have to make a very important PSA: do your homework before an important meeting, and/or leave a larger buffer time in case of mishaps. so what happened was that i'd thought that the sports council office was still near the mountbatten mcdonalds, which was where it was when i was a national athlete 6 or 7 years ago. a lot can change in 6 or 7 years, and the old building is now home to a decathlon, while the sports council office is now located at the sports hub. guess who didn't know that? not only did i end up going to the wrong location initially, i also got horribly lost within the sports hub as well. but at the end of the day, i made it to the meeting (if rather late) and we learnt that the sports council is willing to help us send athletes to the SEA games. so far, their conditions are not unreasonable, but we've got a fair bit of work to do with a very rigid deadline. there's still hope, which is a good sign.

fortunately, i got to the airport in time for my cousin-in-law, but the baggage was delayed due to a freak downpour. thank goodness i had the foresight to make space in the car! my cousin didn't specify exactly how much baggage his wife was travelling with. to be fair, it's mostly baby stuff. in total, the baggage took up half of my boot space (my big box occupied the other half) and about 70% of my back seat. i have no idea how we managed to fit everything (including the people) in, but we did. got back to punggol safely, and i spent a few hours at their place talking to my cousin-in-law and playing with the baby. she's growing up really quickly, and getting pretty strong. like, when we were on the way back, she was entertaining herself by gripping my fingers. it was nice, in a way. not nice enough to persuade me to have kids of my own, but nice regardless. i do want to be around as she grows up, though plan japan might make that tricky.

dinner that night was at scary JC friend's place, where her boyfriend and i ate with her and her parents. personally, i don't have many friends whose parents i'd be comfortable around, so i definitely appreciate this friendship. in fact, i think this particular friendship is better in a sense, because although it's opposite-gender, she doesn't have to worry about me having intentions of getting into her pants. it allows for a more genuine connection, i think. anyway. the main reason for dinner was actually because of mahjong afterwards. her parents have taken a liking to my friend. her mother was the one who invited him for mahjong, and actually asked her to bring him around more often! and this is after only maybe 2 months of dating. i think this might be the first time that's happened. well, i'm happy for them. as for me, i was just there to make up the numbers so that the table was full. ended up winning $20 due to a couple of big hands, including a limit 花上自摸. it was originally $60, but her mother wanted to play in ringgit, which is good since it helps reduce losses. and with a kway chap supper to end off, it was a good night overall.

japanese class yesterday was challenging. there are more grammar patterns at N2 level than i'd thought. still having a little trouble catching the nuances of their usage. there were two bright points, though. i scored 23/36 for the quiz, which is 5 marks more than last week. improvement! the second is that i think i can read a little more quickly. although that may not be accurate, since the difficulty of this week's passage might be lower. think i should go to kinokuniya soon, to get JPLT textbooks and japanese novels. still have to work on the remaining japanese homework from the first 3 classes that i didn't attend. hoping that i can catch up in good time. spoke more with my former secondary school classmate (who's now my classmate again for japanese), and caught up a little more for the intervening 14 years we hadn't met. he's engaged or something, and i'm happy for him. hopefully we'll bond more in the upcoming weeks. had a little craving for pig's organ soup after class, so i went to the jalan besar area for the famous pig organ soup that the judo elders first brought me to a few years ago. that bowl of soup did wonders for my soul, and i'm happy that i braved the crowd and limited parking for it. only thing is that i realize that i still don't particularly care for kidneys. the bizarre foods host describes their taste as "minerally", which i think is just TV-speak for "tastes like pee". i'm not surprised, considering the original function of the organ, but it's a taste that i'm not particularly fond of. so far i've only had kidneys stewed, in hotpot, and in soup. i wonder if frying them will help to eliminate the unpleasant taste?

lastly, today. i did something new, and bought toto for the first time in my life. the chemistry guys wanted to, so i figured why not. i think it's because those born in the year of the dragon are lucky this year? this isn't something that i foresee myself doing frequently - maybe once a year, twice at most, if at all. but i can understand why people get into gambling. the prospect of winning enough money to never have to work again is definitely alluring. the top prize for this draw is like $13 million or something. the agreement is that we split any winnings 4 ways, so i'm looking at a best-case scenario of winning $3.25 million. the worst case is being down $15, so it's still a risk i can afford. gambling is actually quite a revenue-spinner. i saw people place bets upwards of $100, so i imagine that the takings are good. someone told me before that gambling is just buying hope. i'd have to agree, considering the low chance of winning big. if i do win, though, i think i'd split the money into three (unequal) parts: one for a house, one for investment, and one for spending and clearing debts. but that's IF i win. while it's good to have some ideas and future plans, it's perhaps more important to stay grounded and work with things that you already have.

my final appointment for this week was for dinner today with an old teacher from cat high. he taught a non-core subject, so i didn't really mind his class. it was a welcome break, in fact, because he used to tell us stories from chinese history in hopes of making us better people. i'd like to think that he succeeded to some degree. we weren't really close in cat high; in fact, i remember being punished by him. while i don't remember the reason, i do remember that the punishment was to write an essay on the importance of his class, and what i learnt from it. i do regret not paying more attention, because he's extremely knowledgeable and tells this kind of stories really well. i think his voice is a major factor, as it's still extremely strong and resonant even at the age of 80. whoops, digression. we got closer when i started going for the turf city gatherings, and even more so when i started doing occasional driver duty to send him and the old principal to and from the gatherings. the dinner, which was at novena square, was because he wanted to celebrate my degree conferment. he seems to hold education in extremely high regard, as is typical for people of his generation, i suppose. in fact, we were talking during dinner, and he said that if his family's financial situation had been better when he was young, he'd have pursued a phd. i do find it a bit of a waste that he couldn't, because he's clearly cut out for academia. but well, i guess that's life. he seems to be at peace with it, which is good. by his own admission, he's had a good life. taught in cat high for over 40 years, seen thousands of students come and go, made enough money to live in relative comfort and raise 3 kids. sounds not too far from ideal, right? considering that this is the first time i've had extended solo time (above an hour) with this teacher, the conversation wasn't as awkward as i feared it might be. the only awkward bit for me was when he asked if i had a girlfriend. not too sure how to tackle this issue with the older generation. well...i'll figure something out.

with all the important stuff on my agenda cleared, tomorrow appears to be a relaxed day. i do still have things to do, like to go grocery shopping and to mend my formal shoes, but those can wait for a little bit. i'm getting by on using my lab shoes for work. while they're not as formal, they're far more comfortable. think i'll spend tomorrow doing catch-up for japanese, organizing my teaching materials, and perhaps looking at some stationery too. above all, i need to have some me-time. while i enjoy social interaction with people important to me, 4 out of 5 days with social obligations is a little too much. i'm looking forward to being a hermit tomorrow.

-random thought of the day: My new stationery case arrived! The local retailer can't compare.-

Don't have much time before i have to shower and get ready for japanese class, so i'll just blog about the most persistent thing on my mind right now. it's got to do with a (possibly fictional) tale that i've heard before, which goes like this (extremely paraphrased):

once upon a time, a monk and his apprentice/student were on a journey when they reached a riverbank. a lady approached them and asked to be carried over the river for fear of getting swept away by the current. the older monk agreed, and bore her across the river safely, after which the lady thanked him and went on her way. the two monks walked for some time, during which the younger monk appeared more and more uneasy. he finally asked his teacher, "master, why did you carry that woman across the river? isn't it improper for monks to have such close contact with the opposite gender?". the senior monk smiled and replied, "i have already put her down at the river. why are you still carrying her with you?"

the moral of this story is to be able to let things go completely, i guess. and that's something which i have trouble doing for that incident on sunday. my attempt to uncover the reason why has turned out two possible candidates: (1) i am not completely proud of my own behaviour and i believe that i could have handled it better, (2) i should have pressed the case and got the police involved. i'm more inclined to believe that it's cause #1 at this point. again, i have to remind myself not to let my anger take over if similar occurrences happen again in the future. i have to remain civil, so that the case against me will be flimsy at best, or ideally nonexistent. escalation is definitely the wrong move. at the same time, it can be difficult to think like that when there is (was) a physical threat to one's well-being. fight or flight response and all that.

i do wonder what's the legal stand on cursing at someone. like, if i call someone a moron (one of my more favourite words to use), is there a chance at all for it to become a police case? there is basically no harm done to the other party, except possibly for hurt feelings. and if someone complains about hurt feelings to the police, i basically have no respect for that person. but the possibility that there might be a law against it is still present. i do know that responding at a similar level is kind of justifiable, and that responding physically to a verbal threat is a no-no because that's considered escalation. thankfully, i'm rational enough under all circumstances to avoid that...unless the other person makes the first move. in such a case, is the threat of physical violence (eg. sudden threatening movement) sufficient to justify a response? i think that i should ask my lawyer friends about these things. or maybe the police might know, since they have to enforce the law? at any rate, i should get this matter cleared up for my own knowledge and safety.

hopefully that will go some way to put it at the back of my mind. it'll take time, i suppose, so i just have to let the natural process of new memories overwriting others do its thing. i do feel somewhat accomplished that i managed to finish the japanese homework in about 3 hours, with a reasonably high confidence for the majority of the questions. still nowhere near exam-ready, though. suppose i'd better get ready for class...don't want to be late.

-random thought of the day: Have to do another room cleaning tomorrow.-

If you didn't believe me before when i said that singaporeans are generally becoming angrier, listen up. i've got proof. had a bit of an altercation with another driver on the drive back. since we've considered it settled, i won't say too much about what exactly happened in order to respect the other driver's privacy and our agreement. all i will say is that it was a series of disproportionate reactions to bad actions. we were hostile towards each other at first - thankfully stopping before physical violence - but after a while, the yelling toned down and became talking, and we kind of buried the hatchet. of course, it's good that the other driver was willing to back down too, as i think we'd both stand to lose if the case ended up before the police. while there are aspects of what transpired which don't sit well with me, i'm more than willing to let it go, and i'm also infinitely happier that this case reached a mutually-satisfactory resolution, unlike with the idiot cyclist who refused to admit wrongdoing. i think there is some merit to the philosophy of "一人让一步"; each person takes a step back and any issue in question should de-escalate. having said that, i'm still retaining the dashcam footage in case the other party isn't as willing to let it go as they appeared to be, or in case they try any sneaky moves behind my back. i'm gentlemanly and trusting, but hopefully not stupid and gullible. i've got to check with a police station to make sure that the report was indeed cancelled, if one was made at all in the first place.

so yes. singaporeans are generally higher-strung than people of most other nationalities. i mean, i'm not under much stress now, and even i exploded. granted that it was after work, and class today didn't leave me in the best of spirits. but still. i think it's worse for people who have dependents to feed, facing mountains of debt, in an unhappy relationship/marriage, or whatever other stress factors that could possibly exist. i could attempt to break down the underlying causes of each stress factor and attempt to offer individual solutions, but i'm pretty sure that whatever i came up with would fall on deaf ears, or be deemed as "unfeasible". i really really think that i need to get away for a while to somewhere with a less densely-packed population. that's the key factor i've identified. it's simply too crowded. as much as i am a city boy, i still value some personal space. having to squeeze with people on the roads, in the trains...it's not good for the mental state. i should probably take this into account when i choose a place in japan to settle down in. metropolitan tokyo might be a no-go, but somewhere around the outskirts should work?

also, this is an extremely appropriate time to remind myself to be more mindful of how other people may perceive me. most of the time, i believe that i'm a decent person who doesn't look for trouble intentionally. it's just that sometimes, i have this compulsion to let people know about their idiotic behaviour...and sometimes i don't do it very nicely, which is where trouble can start. it gets out of hand when people react badly to it and the whole thing escalates, just like it did earlier. i suppose that i should learn to rein it in and not invite unnecessary trouble. after all, i'm not one who likes to be in the public eye, even less so if it's for something not-good. so, yes. reminder for more mindfulness and to avoid potential bad situations. i don't need negative press, especially since i'm still job-hunting and all that stuff. and if i know the general singaporean public's mindset well enough (and i think that i do), they won't hesitate to crucify someone who they perceive as being arrogant or as behaving unreasonably. those two perceptions are extremely easy to create, especially with a one-sided account.

today's class was not my best one. thankfully it wasn't my worst one either, but it definitely fell on the lower end of the spectrum. i've covered this class once before, and it was also where the negative feedback came from. by coincidence, today's class was over-subscribed. just like last time! 15 kids in total, some of whom were more preoccupied with their phones than with the stuff i was teaching. i think that it takes a certain kind of person to be a teacher; and that's one who has endless enthusiasm for making kids learn. i realize that i'm more of a reactionary type, like i'll feel the students' interest and deliver the class accordingly. there are two extremes, the first being that i want to keep their interest in the subject alive and inspire them to excel in it. on the other end, there's "lets go through what you have to know and i never want to see you again". well, the good news is that i don't have to deal with them permanently. it's also another factor dissuading me from converting to full-time. what if i end up with a class that is totally uninterested? yes, i know that the reverse case is possible too. i might meet kids who love the subject and make teaching a joy. it's less likely, though.

happier news includes a JC class gathering yesterday. i think we had 15 out of 26 people, which is a pretty good turnout. since i went after work, i missed seeing some people. but i enjoyed catching up with those that i did see. N was there too, and while i may be a little too sensitive, i kind of feel like we aren't as close as before. can't say that i'm surprised, but it just feels a little sad. i guess that something that's been broken won't ever be as strong as it was before it was broken, even if it did get mended. it's ok, though. few people in this world are indispensable. while that seems like a really jaded way to look at interpersonal relationships, it's true. i guess we have to work on strengthening ties with the people who really matter, and be willing to let go of face in order to save important friendships before it becomes too late, as i fear it may have been for this one. while i never used to think twice about asking him out for a meal or just to catch up, i'm not sure how that will go now. partially because of this, and partially because of his commitments to his girlfriend and all. well...i guess i'll leave it to fate. i don't want to be overly sensitive and imagine up problems when there actually are none.

got a fair number of events lined up early next week. it's atypically packed, which is kind of good, i guess? i'll have to rebuild stamina for working life. currently, i think that i tire/get sleepy a little too easily. like, going out in the earlier part of the day will necessitate a nap in the afternoon. i know i often say that i'm old, but this is ridiculous. i've got a potential schedule conflict to address too, so i'd better do the list thing again.

monday
- go to the gym for an appointment
- meet scary JC friend and others for dinner
- learning lab HR call

tuesday
- meeting at sports council
- TCM
- pick up my cousin-in-law and niece from the airport

wednesday
- japanese class at ikoma

forecasting until wednesday only because those are the things with definite deadlines. the schedule clash is between TCM and picking my relatives up from the airport. i didn't forget or anything, it's that i'd made the booking before my cousin asked me to do it. i guess what i can do is shift TCM to monday morning, provided that the clinic has slots available. i'd thought that i could shift TCM to tuesday morning, but thank goodness i remembered the sports council meeting. that one's concerning the SEA games, so i can't really shift that anywhere else in the schedule. in the extreme worst case, i could shift TCM to thursday, or even late tuesday afternoon after sending my cousin-in-law home. only problem is i don't want to drive in the balestier area in the evening. too much traffic. have to do my homework for japanese class too! apart from these more pressing things, there are some other errands that i should get done also. stuff like clothes and grocery shopping, which i've been putting off for the longest time! well...things will work themselves out one way or another.

-random thought of the day: It amazes me how reckless people can be when caught up in the moment.-

Sore throat symptoms don't hit me that often. i'll usually feel a little hoarse after karaoke, but recover in 1 to 2 days. the last really bad sore throat i got was probably during NS, which was when i lost my voice too. that's why i found it weird when i woke up today and it hurt to swallow. not sure what could have caused it. maybe i've been having too much fried/heaty food over the CNY period? a small measure of relief is that my voice is still intact, though i'll probably have to speak at a lower volume to avoid additional strain. hoping that the kids will be cooperative tomorrow. i've got one class of sec 4s, and one class of sec 2s. the latter class is ok, considering that i've met most of the kids before. i'm trusting that the sec 4s will be mature and empathetic enough to understand when someone is not feeling at the top of their game.

quite a lot of things happened this week, with correspondingly large amounts of food for thought. managed to stick mostly to my to-do list, which is good. as mentioned previously, i went back to NUS on tuesday to collect my certificates. it feels kind of unreal, to actually receive the degree as proof that i've got a phd. part of me thinks that it's the novelty, part of me thinks that it's the impostor syndrome. well...i think both these factors can/should be resolved with time. swung by arts to pick up my japanese language proficiency certificate too, although that certificate is more for show at this point since it references things that i did 5 years ago. more on that in a bit. i discovered that nus increased the parking by one cent per minute for the visitor carpark at science. not sure if it's campus-wide, but signs point to yes. a cent a minute doesn't sound much until you realize that that's an additional 60 cents an hour, which represents a 50% increase from the previous rate. plus, full-day parking fees apply on saturdays now, when it was half-day before. well, at least i know of certain ninja spots to park for cheap or even for free. had a CNY dinner with the old boys' group that night, too. the food was good, as usual, and the sense of community/togetherness was ever-present. it makes me wonder, though, does studying in the same school really bond people across generations? it makes sense if the age range was narrower, because having common experiences in school would be a very strong reason for bonding. i don't know. maybe it's because the cat high education imparted similar values to us? whatever the case, i suppose that i should be grateful that we get along.

what on earth did i do on wednesday? the only thing i remember is attending class at ikoma. decided to go for the N2 prep class, and i think that i may be a little in over my head. on the bright side, the power of my prior knowledge and more than a few educated guesses got me an 18/36 for the class quiz. apparently the system is similar to NUS. quiz, followed by actual lessons. the total time is 3 hours, and not 2 like i'd initially thought. well, it's about an hour for the quiz, 2 hours for instruction. there's so much to catch up on! not even exaggerating when i say that the vocabulary list is a few thousand words long. and there are similar grammar patterns with different nuances, and some old grammar phrases have alternate meanings. it seems tremendously overwhelming, which is why plan japan may have to be modified. the highlight of my day was meeting an old secondary school classmate, who happened to be taking the same class. wasn't sure that it was him initially, but seeing him use his left hand for writing triggered a surge of memory. we haven't had any contact in the 14 or so years since leaving cat high. i'd known that he'd chosen to go to polytechnic despite beating me by a point in the o-levels. he'd told me that he was in CJC for one day, which was enough for him to realize that JC life didn't suit him. our paths converged again when we both went to NUS, though we never met at all in school. he's a teacher now, which i thought was kind of funny. he didn't strike me as the kind to go for a mainstream job. but well, i've been wrong about bigger things before. anyway, it was nice to see him again. he looks about the same, except taller and thinner than he was in sec 4. well, taller, at least; he was always thin. hopefully we get to reconnect more over the course of japanese classes.

since i had some time and energy after japanese class, i went down to the bar for my promised re-visit. seems like it was a slow night; i don't think i saw more than 20 people come and go in my about-3 hours there. had a glass of beer and plenty of water afterwards. i realize that one drink every 3 hours is a pretty good limit for me when i'm driving. since i was alone, and since there weren't many people, i just sat at my table and did some people-watching. had some enjoyable conversation with the flirty bartender, too. while it was nice, i'm not sure if that's his natural demeanour, or whether it's part of the customer service thing. regardless, i'm not there to look for a relationship, so i guess i shouldn't think too much and just enjoy myself. following my trip to the bar, i went to 好再来 for a bite - also my first proper meal for wednesday (and thursday too since it was after midnight). evidently i think it's good because i went back again! realize that i've been eating horribly this past month, but elaboration for that later. the food was good...it's not as polished as restaurant cuisine in terms of presentation, but it's equally satisfying. not to mention sometimes you're just in the mood for rustic food, like chunks of skewered meat at a lower price point. by this time, it was probably around 2:30am already, and my night still wasn't over. took a walk to mustafa centre to shop for secret valentine's presents. mental note: if i ever have to do something in that vicinity at that ungodly hour again, just drive instead of walk. there's ample free parking, and traffic is almost nonexistent. spent about an hour floating around mustafa centre to find good gifts. in the end, i got my secret valentine a date stamper for an easier time when marking work, and i got something else for the cute colleague, which i left as an anonymous gift. i'm half-hoping nobody links it back to me. i mean, i didn't go out of my way to make it a secret, but at the same time i didn't leave my name behind. so when all was said and done, i reached home at about 5:00am, which is a recent record. not something that i want to do on a regular basis, by the way.

thursday morning was spent frantically wrapping the gifts and writing the respective notes to accompany each one, before going down to the learning lab for the meeting. the topic for discussion happened to be "challenges in the workplace", so i shared my experience with that particular kid. it felt cathartic to share the burden, in a manner of speaking. maybe i should attend more meetings. i was quite amused when one of the other teachers said that he would troll the "problem" students back. that's my preferred method of dealing with it too, but things can get out of hand if it backfires. all in all, it was a pretty productive meeting not only because i got to learn about some alternate strategies, but also because i got to meet even more colleagues. being at work for only 2 days a week means that you don't really get to know everyone, especially if people have consistent days off on your working days. made a trip down to the stationery store after that, to find out that the item that was listed as available on their website couldn't be found in their physical inventory. it's frustrating, because that's the second time it's happened. while they're great in terms of the range of items stocked and in customer service, their inefficiency drives me crazy. not to mention i parked at sim lim tower, which was a bad decision in itself. well...these are learning experiences. the final verdict was that they could help me order it, and even ship it to me free (after i requested for it). but it would take 2 weeks minimum, so i ended up getting the thing i wanted off qoo10, in addition to a foam roller, the purchase of which i've been putting off for the longest time. it's not that i don't want to support local brands. in fact, i made an effort to get the thing from a physical shop before turning to online means. but if local brands want support, please make it easier for consumers to support you!

dinner that night was with my uncle, who's back in singapore from new zealand. something about getting a passport made, i think. the last time i saw him was 2013, when i went over to visit him? no, that doesn't sound right. might have been on another of his singapore trips, though i don't remember when. we then went back to my aunt and uncle's house, where they prepared durian for the visiting uncle (it's his favourite). spent some time playing with the dog, who seems to like me a fair bit. ok, to be fair, he seems to like everyone, so that's not saying much. at least he obeys commands, which is a plus. had a bit of a chat with my aunt as i was leaving. seems that there's trouble in paradise, let's leave it at that. i did what i could to make the situation better, and i hope that i helped. shared chemical engineer cousin's quote of judging by actions and intentions, which i hope made sense. i'm hoping that this is a temporary thing, and that it'll blow over soon. it would suck to see new rifts being created. i do find it ironic that i feel closer to this aunt and uncle than to my immediate family. but like my cousin said, maybe some distance helps. that's why they'd be the next in line for me to come out to, although i haven't found the right time/place/occasion for that conversation. no point forcing it though, i'm sure it'll happen when it's meant to.

had a meeting with a professor at NUS today, to explore the possibility of joining his company. it's a startup, which means that they're hiring core team staff who they want for the long term. their expected timeframe is 2 years minimum, and i think that you should see the conflict already. plan japan is set for this june ideally, or december at the latest. the professor asked if i would be willing to delay it for 2 years. i think i gave a somewhat diplomatic and noncommittal answer, but honestly, the answer is "no", and i think he got the general sense of it. for some reason, i've become comfortable with the idea of plan japan. maybe i'm romanticizing it a bit, or glossing over certain practical difficulties, but i think that it would be doable. just have to get my language skills up to par. i hope that i'm doing the right thing. i was speaking to my taiwanese postdoc friend (from whom the information about this potential job came), and he said that as a phd holder, i'd be expected to take up a scientific expert role. the professor said pretty much the same thing. all that training during grad school would be wasted otherwise. and i see their points. but i don't know if i'm up to the challenge of hardcore science again so soon after obtaining my freedom from the lab. not to mention that it's in a different area from my expertise so far, so there'll be some friction during the transition. but wasn't that the case when i moved from organic to platinum too? i can probably transition again, but i know that my heart won't be in it if i do it now. i think the best way forward is to go to japan first. regardless of whether the experience is good or bad, i have to do it to account to myself that at least i tried. the JLPT prep course is just laying the groundwork. reading a post back in 2014, i wrote at that time that the JPLT was like a driving test. not passing would be ok, just inconvenient. i'm feeling that inconvenience now.

i guess that i'm feeling a little...disturbed? not in the "that's so creepy" way, but in the way that physicists will say that an object's equilibrium has been disturbed. maybe i'm banking on finding my purpose/calling in japan. or maybe my calling *is* japan. but yes, i'm kind of realizing as i'm typing this that it might be the sensation of burning desire, which has been conspicuously absent for a large part of grad school. perhaps going for the phd wasn't the best decision. even if that is so, i have to remember that (1) i can't rewind time; and (2) i got the degree in the end, so it's far from the worst-possible outcome. anyway. i know what i have to do now for my own sake, but it's just a question of how the other pieces will fall into place.

for the past 2 months, i've been completely off the bandwagon for healthy lifestyle. a more accurate way to put it would be that i took a flying leap off the badwagon and haven't quite recovered yet. i'm hoping that the progress from last october to december hasn't been undone, or at least that some of it still remains. i'm going to see them about starting another package next week. also next week, i've got to see the TCM people about a weird jaw misalignment. don't remember how long it's been ongoing...maybe a couple of years? not sure what could have caused it, either. hopefully one session will be enough to fix it. having needles in my face is really not my idea of a good time. apart from that...i guess there's just been another loneliness attack. it was probably brought on by reading fanfiction about two popular violinists (to be fair, they made a video about it and posted it on facebook, which got me curious enough to search for more). i do find one of them to be pretty attractive, but the odds of anything happening between us are improbable enough to be impossible. i think i just need sleep. after reading the blackest night arc of the green lantern comics in 2013 or so, i've adopted "look to the stars" as my personal mantra and go-to phrase for tough times. i think i'll be using it a lot in the upcoming months.

-random thought of the day: Need to use my pens more.-

Let me rant about work - well, about one thing in particular about work - before i get started on the main body of the post. it doesn't happen very often, but once in a while, i'll meet a student whom i don't know how to handle. the typical characteristics of such a student are: disregard for authority, disinterest in the subject, inattentiveness in class, no consideration for classmates, and all-round obnoxiousness. like in the class i was covering this past saturday, there was this student whose first words to me were, "teacher, i'm from ITE". it's obviously a joke, but i didn't (and still don't) see the humour behind it. throughout the class, this student was also more preoccupied with talking to friends, and even spoke quite disrespectfully about another teacher. i'm not saying that they have to worship the ground that teachers walk on. but at least have the decency to keep such conversation to when among your peers, right? this student gives me the impression of entitlement. i wouldn't be surprised to hear "you can't do that to me, i'm paying your salary!" come out of their mouth eventually. technically the parents are the ones paying, but yes. some of these kids need to be taken down a peg or two. the way i would normally deal with such things would be to use words and actions that are not acceptable under learning lab policy, so my usual way won't work. it may be something for me to bring up for a wider discussion at this thursday's meeting. to be fair, this particular encounter has been the only unpleasant one so far. the other times i got annoyed were mainly because students just didn't know when to shut up, or thought that they could climb over a cover teacher's head. i'm still a little confused as to why we have troublemakers at all. tuition is completely optional, and some of these disruptive kids would do better by saving their time, their parents' money, and teachers' brain cells.

apart from that, the job has been great so far. colleagues are easy to get along with, the vast majority of kids are nice, and i feel extremely well-supported by the operations team whenever i have class - no matter the venue. i was telling my mentor yesterday that i'm enjoying my time in the company, and that i was even thinking of adding another day to my workload. she said that that's something which i have to bring up with HR, so that talk's tentatively scheduled for thursday while i'm on the premises. one thing which i hope that the company can improve on is their claims for transport between centres. right now, the rate is kind of low for drivers. i understand that paying more is part of the tradeoff for the convenience of driving, so i'm not even asking to claim for the mileage driven. all i want is to claim for the full amount of parking, which is definitely more than what they're allowing at the moment. that query has to be directed to the operations team, and i'll drop them an email sometime this week.

been giving some thought to the process of achieving plan japan, and the most pressing thing is probably to regain familiarity with the japanese language. i'd been doing some research on japanese language schools as briefly outlined last time, and i've got some updates on the situation. there are 3 schools - bunka, ikoma, and hougang. so weird right!? the first two sound so japanese, then "hougang". i've previously studied at bunka, and i liked their teaching methodology as they did verb conjugations extremely early. ikoma strikes me as the standard japanese school, very focused on content and exam preparation. scary JC friend said that hougang is good, but i haven't had much contact with them. so here's the thing. JPLT is held only twice a year - once in july, and again in december. ikoma is the only school offering prep classes in the foreseeable future, so i'm stuck with choosing them by default. the problem with ikoma is that it isn't registered with the skillsfuture program, meaning that i have to fork out actual money to pay for the fees. so, i'm thinking of two-timing, by taking classes at both ikoma and bunka. good thing for bunka is that skillsfuture credits are usable there, so it's basically free. considering it's february now, i have just over 4 months to get back to my previous level of japanese proficiency, and surpass it for N2. so, the more exposure i have, the better. also, i've been through the NUS system of 1 lecture and 3 tutorials (7 contact hours) per week, so i'm sure i can handle just 4 hours. i'm actually tempted to take up twice-weekly sessions with ikoma, which is an option for students with N4 to take N2 in half a year. problem with that is the money. double the classes means double the cost. at close to $400 for a term of 10 classes, it doesn't come cheap. yet another motivation to add a day to my learning lab schedule, if HR will allow it.

there are some other considerations for plan japan. despite having relatively few liabilities compared to most of my friends in the same age group, i can't just up and leave. a few things immediately come to mind at the mention of liabilities: car, insurance (and other finances), logistics. for the car, i'm thinking that it would be a waste to let the COE value depreciate continuously if i'm not around to use it. so selling the car would be the most logical choice if i'm moving to japan for an extended period. the counterpoint to this argument is the unlikely but not impossible scenario that i don't like it in japan, and end up coming back to singapore after 6 months. i suppose that getting another second-hand car in that eventuality is possible, so i shouldn't worry that much. and what with COE prices falling, secondhand cars might even be cheaper.

when moving to another country, it's wise to check if the current insurance policies you have will carry over. i don't think my hospitalization plan will, but i think the advice is to hold on to it since there's been some changes to the claimable amounts or something. i think that i'm under the old policy, which still allows 100% claims. of more importance would be my critical illness and personal accident plans, which i hope will carry over to japan. i know that japan has their own national insurance thing, but i'm not sure about the details. i've also got a savings/investment plan with my friend/agent, although it's been frozen for quite a while due to my financial drought last year. selling the car would probably give enough money to pay for it for the rest of this year...that might just work, but i don't know for sure. one bigger financial problem is how to move money between countries without losing too much to the exchange rate or service fees that banks charge.

surprisingly, logistics is the least of my worries. i just have to decide what to take to japan. at present, i'll probably only need the essentials of clothes, and a computer of some sort. anything else should be able to be bought over there. i'm actually considering taking my desktop over (because final fantasy), but it's bulky and unwieldy to ship, and i'll need to ship or buy a monitor. i've got a decent-ish laptop, but i don't know how well it will support the game. and i'd want to bring some (ideally all) of the stuffed toys over, but that's just me being irrational. i may end up having to choose maybe 2 or 3 to take over. still, it's not even remotely a concern when compared to money, car, and language skills.

part of me wonders if i'm trying to do too much with too little time/money. i suppose that i could play it safe by studying for a longer time and taking JLPT only in december. that would give me more time to build my finances up, and commit to some length of contract for another part-time job too. that might also fit in better with the JET program timeline. why do i want to go over so quickly, again? to kickstart my career, i suppose. the sooner i'm there, the sooner i can apply for jobs, and the sooner i'm likely to be employed. but some things can't be rushed. makes me wonder if i should slow down now for the sake of running a longer race in future.

i've suddenly accumulated a fair few obligations for this week. knowing the nature of my brain, i'm bound to forget about some if i don't write them all down. just hope that i haven't forgotten any already.

tuesday
- arrange a TCM session (ideally thursday) for my jaw
- indicate interest to ikoma
- go to NUS to collect my certificates and transcript
- have lunch with my taiwanese postdoc friend
- find time to shop for secret valentine's present
- drive the elders to old boys' CNY dinner at 6pm
- visit the bar if i have time and energy

wednesday
- shop for present if unsuccessful on tuesday
- shop for clothes
- poke the traffic police for an update
- poke the lawyer again too
- go grocery shopping
- attend class at ikoma

thursday
- attend learning lab meeting at 12:30pm
- bring secret valentine's gift, and other gift too
- TCM if booking is successful
- possibly visit my aunt

friday
- nothing scheduled yet. maybe get a haircut
- decide on what level to take at bunka

saturday
- work
- JC class gathering in the evening

sunday
- work

that's probably all of it? nothing else strikes me now, so i think if i'm missing anything out, it probably isn't that urgent or important. have to think about going back to the gym too; this almost-2-month hiatus is bound to have undone some of the progress made last year. should ask the gym folks if they're looking for part-time admin staff or receptionists. pity that the learning lab contract doesn't allow me to take on additional teaching jobs. to be fair, they pay decently enough to justify that clause. there must be something else that i can do with my time and that will get me some money...just have to figure out what that thing is.

-random thought of the day: Need more energy.-

Battling a slight stomach bug probably isn't the best way to ring in CNY, but you can't always control what life throws at you. despite not being at peak condition, i still managed to attend several gatherings, and meet some interesting people. let's start with CNY eve, when i met the two singaporean bloggers living in japan. they're a couple, by the way. the guy has been there for years, almost enough to make him part japanese. the girl just went over in the middle of last year, and seems to be adapting ok. after talking to them, i've got a bit more clarity on my possible options in japan. if i really want to work in japan, i can: (1) apply for a job in japan while in singapore and wait for some company to hire me; (2) go to japan and get a part-time job while job-hunting for something more permanent. option 2 seems like a better route, because i will be physically in japan, which should motivate me to job-hunt in earnest, not to mention that being in the country is actually one less barrier to landing a job. they also gave me a list of resources, which i didn't know of previously. benefits of having people with "insider information", i guess. the english-teaching route seems viable for an initial start, just to get over the friction of being in a new environment. one other thing i learnt from the couple is that having JLPT N2 certification will open a lot more doors with regard to employment opportunities. if you remember, i took N2 in december 2014, and failed catastrophically. i was looking into taking prep courses in time for the june/july exam, but the school which i previously went to isn't organizing prep classes for this half of the year, and my second-choice school doesn't accept skillsfuture credits. i might end up settling for a compromise, which is to go to a lesser-known school. scary JC friend has studied there before, and says they're good. i just hope that they accept skillsfuture credits and have a class of the appropriate level scheduled.

as you may know, CNY eve is traditionally when reunion dinner takes place. this year, i went to my cousin's place and ate with him, his wife, and her brother. i suppose he counts as a cousin-in-law as well? we had hotpot, which i think helped to emphasize the idea of "reunion" - people coming together and sharing a meal. my niece (their daughter) was sleeping, so i didn't get to play with her. dinner was nice, and reminiscent of our secondary school days, where we'd have hotpot (or steamboat as we called it back then; same difference i think) every saturday almost without fail. we were telling my cousins-in-law about our childhood and teenage days. i don't actively think about it that often, but i know in the back of my mind that we've known each other for literally all of our lives. the exact number is probably above 99%, and can effectively be rounded off to 100% although we may not remember the early days as babies. anyway. it was nice to reminisce and share a bit more, and it's always entertaining to watch people's reactions when they find out how closely we're related. dinner was emotionally as well as physically satisfying, although i think we overdid it a little in terms of quantity of food ingested. then, we watched the social network (the movie about facebook's founding) while digesting the meal. i don't know how much of the movie is true, and how much of it is dramatized, but if events unfolded in real life as they did in the movie, i don't think i'd like mark zuckerberg that much if i ever met him. but well...he and his billions of dollars probably don't care about a random nobody's opinion. it makes me wonder, though, if no friendships are immune to disputes about money. in the movie, mark sold out his best (only) friend when making a financial decision. whether it was of his own accord or whether it was due to external influence, i still think that it was a despicable move. granted, the sum of money wasn't trivial, but placing money above your only friend is not a good thing. of course i can say this now, but i hope i'll be consistent in my actions when/if i'm faced with a similar situation.

day 1 of CNY was the traditional 拜年 at my first paternal uncle's place. i'd managed to evade it by going to lab for the past few years (and also because i really had lab work to do), but that excuse didn't work this year due to obvious reasons. the next generation are really growing up; my oldest nephew is in university, and there are some others in secondary school and JC. i'm seeing a similar pattern as with our generation, and that is the pretty large age gap between children from different uncles. you see, my paternal grandparents had 5 sons, and the age gap between the oldest and youngest sons is more than 12 years. being born to the youngest son, i have cousins who are literally close to 20 years older than me. in fact, my oldest nephew is only 5 years my junior. and the age gap between him and the youngest nephew and niece is 25 years, since the youngest children (twins) were born on this CNY eve. it's probably going to get worse as we go further down in generation, but well...probably not my problem. i'm not contributing to it, so yes. at least it's heartening that the nephews/nieces of a similar age are somewhat close. in this age of social media and smartphones, i suppose it's easier, too. no need to memorize any phone numbers. interestingly, i still do remember my cousin's home and mobile numbers. don't think i'll ever need to recall off-hand, but good to know in case of an emergency and my phone is not operational. also on day 1, i dropped by my mechanic friend's place with my cousin (they know each other too) and watched his mind get blown due to us explaining our relation, which was amusing as usual. wanted to stay longer, but went back early due to stomach issues.

tradition is that you visit those closest to you on day 1 (eg. family, some friends), and as days go by, you visit people who are less and less close (casual friends, colleagues). i visited a secondary school friend's place on day 2. he's an artist who's based in hong kong (and apparently taiwan and japan too now), so i don't see him all that often. the last time was like, 3-ish years ago? we were secondary school classmates, and he's also friends with the classmate whom scary JC friend is dating. so we all ended up there, along with my dentist friend, and another friend who's a music/video producer. it was relaxed and casual, i felt quite at ease. it helps that this friend is fairly liberal and open-minded, so talking to him was easy, too. we then met up again later that night to have a meal, since the artist friend was flying back to hong kong the next day. the venue was this establishment selling northeastern chinese cuisine in the form of dishes and skewers, called 好再来. the flavour profile is mala and sour, which are generally flavours that i like. prices were reasonable, and i'd probably go back again. coincidentally, the place is located reasonably near our old judo place at lavender street. that's become an anytime fitness now...quite depressing to drive by and see it. oh well. it was a different time then.

yesterday and today weren't very productive...just spent some time tidying my room and looking for leads on japan. have to settle my red packet money too. there's work as usual tomorrow, and it looks to be my worst day so far. 3 different classes for 3 different sciences. and i've got to shop for a secret valentine's gift, along with one more gift for the cute colleague i've got my eye on. should be fine. that reminds me. i'm going to submit feedback about the claimable amounts for parking and public transport. it's on the low side, for sure. apart from that, got a few more gatherings over the next week or two. one with the cat high old boys group, one with my JC class, one to visit my aunt, and one with a big brother figure. oh, and i'm supposed to visit the pub again. was intending to do so tonight, but the last-minute SMSes to cover class came in. there's always another day. and i've got to go down to NUS to collect my degree, as well as the certificate of intermediate japanese proficiency. will probably expand on japan-related topics in the next post, along with things that i have to consider if i really want to move there.

-random thought of the day: I'm talking like I'm prepared to move.-

A good night's sleep and a fresh dose of perspective really make a world of difference. woke up yesterday feeling less/no longer sorry for myself, and went for work as usual. i observed the second class which i'm due to take over for a month or so. it's a sec 1 bio class. again, i was reminded how significant the effect of experience and confidence is on a teacher's performance. on saturday, i observed this same teacher for a sec 2 chemistry class. the difference was clear to me. while she was a little uncertain for chemistry, she was totally in her element teaching bio. the analogies she used to describe certain concepts were extremely fitting, and better than anything that i could have thought of myself. i imagine the situation will be reversed when i take over both those classes in 2 weeks' time. yes, it's not next week. apparently i had a blind moment and read my schedule wrongly.

with my brain rested, i thought about the situation some more. in addition to the reasons for me not to be jealous of others in the previous post, one more thing i thought of was that it was a different era when i was a teen. social media wasn't so prevalent, for one. for perspective - i finished JC in 2006. that was the year twitter was founded. tumblr came along the year after. along with that, the very first iphone was launched in 2007, when i was in NS. i wasn't about to blow more than a month's salary on a phone at that time. by extrapolation, dating apps probably didn't get popular until i was in undergrad at the earliest. so, i guess you could say that i didn't have as many avenues to look for people. not to mention the lack of safety and anonymity back then. if you wanted to meet someone, you'd have to exchange phone numbers, which exposed you to being spammed by calls and texts. sure, you could change numbers, but i really really like my number. i've had it for around half my life now, that's not even an exaggeration. but back to the point...younger people today have more avenues for exposure. and being attention-seeking, they'll use those avenues.

talking to jedi master always gives me fresh perspective. he speaks with the wisdom that accompanies age, not to mention he's basically been through all the same struggles that i'm currently experiencing, and more. he told me that i'm setting my sights too low, which is quite the opposite of what i thought. his reasoning is that with my low self-perception, i'd go after people of a similar level, and thus not dare to aim high enough to find the perfect one for me. the solution to that is to be very objective, and to see my own positives along with the flaws. it's not easy, since we're often our own harshest critic. but first, i have to reach a point where i'm receptive to finding love in atypical places, and that comes with having no expectations. weird, right? to do the no expectations bit requires experiencing heartbreak and getting hurt repeatedly, which is going to suck. but if the payoff is finding the perfect partner, maybe it'll be worth it. problem is that isn't guaranteed, either. so worst case is going through all the hurt and heartbreak and still ending up single. i mean, it should make me a better person, more compassionate and empathetic, which i suppose is still a win in some way. another thing he said was that i might be intimidating to strangers and/or potential dates. that puzzled me at first, because i generally think that i'm nice, and that i normally don't give off a standoffish aura unless i try. but what i didn't consider was that people may be physically intimidated by my build. not only that, they may be intellectually intimidated after finding out about my background. i still find this line of reasoning a little difficult to follow, but that's maybe because i'm not seeing myself through a stranger's eyes. i kind of get being intimidated by beauty/attractiveness, because i hesitate (more than usual) to chat up an attractive guy. i just don't think it works the other way round.

it seems that whenever i meet with jedi master, i end up doing something new. after dinner, he invited me to join him and his friends at a bar called lluvia, which means "rain" in spanish. i also finally got to meet his partner, who is really nice. i can understand why jedi master often speaks so favourably about him (other than because they've been together for 20 years). got to hear about the process of them getting together from his point of view too. apparently, there was mutual attraction when they first met, but the timing wasn't right. they only got together 3 years after that first meeting. so maybe time is all it takes. i didn't really drink at the bar since i drove; just people-watched and made some conversation with the friends nearby. not a bad way to spend a night; maybe i should do this more often. will be more intimidating going alone, but we'll see. should drag scary JC friend along.

going to end here for now, i'm due to meet the singaporean bloggers for an info session about life and working in japan. then, dinner with my cousin and his family tonight. i really think that i should be keeping busy to avoid having too many negative thoughts.

-random thought of the day: Better go, don't want to be late.-

Just woke up from a nap after coming back from work and crashing. feeling a little weird as a result, and this weird feeling is compounded by 2 things on my mind. first, there's been another rejection from a chemical company. that brings the tally up to 4 official rejections, and 11 pending applications.

*M18 content begins here* second, i'm feeling a little envious/jealous of some NSF-age guys who posted videos of their uhh...escapade online. at the risk of TMI, the main reasons i'm feeling this way are because i never got to do that at their age, and i'm going through a very, very long dry spell right now. gosh, i don't even want to begin to count how long it's been; that would be even more depressing. you might say that the solution is easy, just go out and hook up with someone. easier said than done, though. my lack of confidence in my own appearance is a major stumbling block. not to mention my actual appearance, which isn't in line with conventional/typical standards of attractiveness. this is one of those times where i feel like i didn't get the full "teenager" experience, like, there were so many things i didn't do during my teens/early twenties. no dates, no flings, no partying. *M18 content ends here* actually, i don't mind that last one so much. clubs and loud, crowded places were never really my scene. although i wonder if they would have been if i had looked better...

another thing i should remind myself of is that people only post the best aspects of themselves online. be it going to a scenic holiday spot, enjoying a delicious meal, or as in the above case, having great sex, people tend to show only the good things while hiding the bad/not-so-good. and we (i, especially,) fall into the trap of extrapolating from there and assuming that their entire life is equally awesome as whatever they post online. of course, it may be, and power to them if that is indeed the case. but more often than not, there will be unseen struggles, worries, and obstacles to surmount. this is especially true in the case of LGBT people. so...moral of the story is to not be too jealous?

i suppose the other way to look at it would be from a more positive point of view. because i was relatively well-behaved, i never got into serious trouble. like, no drunken fighting, no STD scares, no relationship drama (apart from the self-inflicted drama of unrequited love, of which there was plenty) or vengeful exes. on the even more plus side, i made friends with similar mindsets and values, and we supported each other through undergrad and beyond. if i had been the partying sort, we might not have gelled so well together. i might not have opted to apply for grad school either, let alone complete it. as a thought experiment, i wonder if i'd trade my degree for better looks. signs point to yes, because i'd probably be able to survive on a bachelor's degree. maybe i should wonder if anyone would trade their good looks for a phd! given the number of people in the world, and how different everyone is, i'm sure that there would be at least a few takers for that offer. maybe the "grass is always greener" syndrome is getting me again. i suppose that occasional feelings of envy/jealousy are ok, even natural, but i should learn to focus on the positives and what i already have. i'm sure that there are people (both better- and worse-looking) who would rather be in my current position than in their own.

on a somewhat related note, ever since the degree conferment, i've been having some difficulty deciding when to say something about my qualifications. at the start of a conversation when people ask what i'm doing now, i tend to say that i just finished grad school, without being more specific. most people will then go "oh so you did your masters ah?". i don't blame them, because that's a fair/reasonable guess. the thing is, i don't correct them either, and instead opt to go "yeah, something like that". my guess as to the reason for this is because of asian upbringing, where kids are told to be humble and not to brag about their accomplishments. because the more you brag, the more people will gloat when you mess up, or something like that. in fact, i still get a sense of discomfort/embarrassment when someone addresses me as "doctor", jokingly or otherwise. i wonder if it's impostor syndrome, in which a person feels like he doesn't/can't live up to the accolades bestowed on him, even when he is actually deserving of them. at the same time, i did work for this title/qualification, and i should make full use of it as a major selling point in the job hunt, or when doing networking/PR. it should get better with time and repetition, i think. most things do because repetition over time aids acclimatization. just have to remember to strike a balance, and not let it get to my head. i'd hate to be known as "that yaya (arrogant) NUS phd who insists on being addressed by title". back to sleep for now, got another observation for the teacher i'm covering tomorrow, and meeting jedi master (who's back in singapore for CNY) for dinner/drinks after work.

-random thought of the day: Channel thoughts and energy to positive stuff.-

Compared to the past few days, i was more productive today. sent another...7(?) job applications, making my total number of jobs applied for 15, and total number of official rejections still stands at 3. also called up the traffic police to ask about the status of the re-investigation into the accident. it's been more than 3 months with nothing heard. something tells me that they forgot about it, and i will eventually have to resort to the ultimate move of approaching my MP, but we'll see if the traffic police gets their act together.

about work, i've applied to 6 chemical companies, and osaka university. that's a good segue into the english teaching route, and my choices. from the last post, my current choices are a university, a private company (gaba or aeon, among others), and JET. in my perfect universe, i would choose teaching in a university first, followed by JET, then a private company. the reason is quite simple, and it's a balance between money and job security. there's probably no argument that a university would pay the highest. i'd expect the stress level to be the highest out of the 3 options there too, but considering that it's a teaching job, and teaching english to boot, i think i'd be able to manage. although JET pays lower than a university, and might even be the lowest-paying job of the bunch, it is backed by the government, and therefore it's stable. like, i won't have to worry about turning up and not having a job, or job agencies trying to scam me.

private companies sit in-between those two extremes. while they do pay somewhat higher (depending on the company and the contract terms), there is slightly more risk. but so far, i've not read or encountered anyone who went to japan being stranded there. again, depending on the company, the working hours and salary will differ. my research has turned up a few companies, two of which i know people working for - aeon and gaba. let's do them alphabetically.

aeon gives me a more commercial feel, i think, in the sense that teachers are expected to do duties above and beyond just teaching. things like interviewing students, socialization with students between classes, handing out flyers...that last one is kind of off-putting for me. the biggest pro i can see is that i'll get to practise japanese a lot if i'm required to do social interaction. one example i saw says that families may invite you to their home for meals, or take you out for sightseeing. i think that that would be nice in a foreign land. another plus point is that there are what i'd liken to corporate perks, like public transport fares being reimbursed. as for gaba, its main attractions to me are flexibility and lesson style. teachers teach students one-on-one instead of in a classroom setting, and they get to choose their hours, but they did advise that scheduling slots at fixed times would ensure repeat students. of course, the accompanying downside is that hours taught is proportional to money received. not to mention there's a minimum amount that you have to earn per month to fulfill the terms of the visa that allows you to work in japan. there's also the uncertainty factor - just because you make yourself available for class doesn't mean that students will book you.

when choosing which route to take here, i suppose that i should also evaluate my reasons for taking up an overseas job. what were those reasons again? to gain exposure; to live independently; for a change of environment; because japan. while money is not the most vital concern right now, it is still of significant importance. are there any alternatives to consider? give up and stay in singapore forever; work in singapore for a number of years to build up finances first, then go over. maybe that might be a safer bet...although i've also got to consider how it will affect my overall career story. finding a scientific job would be the most ideal, because it allows me to use the skills acquired in grad school immediately. you see, the implication of taking a job (especially first job) outside your field of study is "this person isn't good at what they do, that's why they can't land a job in their chosen field". at least with a related job in your employment history, employers will be more likely to believe that you're trying something different to expand your horizons.

having said that, i also can't wait around forever to land a scientific job. the learning lab will give me enough money to sustain myself, but i need to consider savings and future expenses, like a house. assuming that companies are following their 30-day policy, and that i don't apply for any more jobs from now on, the latest i'll know the outcome for chemical-related jobs is end-february. if osaka university replies favourably, then that would be ideal. if nothing goes through by end-february, i'm contemplating signing a one-year contract with the learning lab, then applying to the JET program at the end of this year. the annoying thing is that the JET program only accepts applications within a small window of time close to the end of each year. with thesis and defense on my mind, applying for it didn't even occur to me. benefit of doing this is that the one-year contract will give me more money, and the contract will end a few months before the typical departure date, which is june to august-ish. going with the JET route will require a fair bit of commitment and incur quite a large opportunity cost in terms of time wasted if it doesn't work out, because i really don't want to teach tuition full-time (at all, or for any longer than necessary). i've seen what full-time tutors have to go through on top of teaching duties, and it's not something i particularly feel like doing.

ok. let's see what information i have, and what the best plan of action would be. i know my options for japan. i know when to expect a reply by (if any) for jobs that i've applied for. i know that companies typically conduct a wave of hiring in april, since people who want to leave will typically wait for their performance bonus before tendering their resignations. i don't know how likely it will be for me to land any job in japan, but i'm thinking that it won't be too difficult/impossible. i know that i can apply to other universities in japan as well, and maybe that's something that i should do. i don't know, actually. making decisions in general isn't something that i'm good at, even less so when the decisions are large ones. but it's not good to be suspended in limbo for too long, either. would it be better for me to make a decision, then deal with the consequences later? maybe i should look into japanese chemical companies, too. i'm surprised that i didn't think of that sooner. then again, it might be because they don't have a large presence in singapore. come to think of it, that might be an alternative stepping stone instead of teaching english. well, i guess that means round 3 of job applications. just did a rather superficial search...seems like japanese companies don't make it easy to find the careers page on their websites. well...i'll look into this in greater detail tomorrow.

-random thought of the day: Nothing seems to be going right.-