Reminding myself that things are only as valuable as i deem them to be. you see, i've been grappling with the thought of going back to refereeing in judo. i guess we should start with a pros and cons list before i elaborate.

pros:
can go for continental referee before 35 years old
the referee director is someone i trust
can give back to the community
can be involved in judo on a larger scale, including grading

cons:
no promotion for the next 2 years
being restricted by the federation
questionable interactions with people in the referee commission
having to rejoin a club

i think the pros speak for themselves. it will raise my profile nationally (and hopefully regionally), and i'll be able to do something in the judo world again. i think most of the elders who have dis-associated from the federation aren't wrong in doing so, but there's a key difference between them and me. for them, they've been doing judo for so long that they've accomplished almost everything that they want to, be it belt rank, referee and/or kata qualifications. most of them are content to be teaching in a small club and grooming talent in their own way. for me, i'm still beginning my journey into high-level territory, which will be made significantly smoother with federation support. to be totally objective, one of the reasons i left the federation was so that i could attend and referee in overseas judo competitions without repercussion. but since my resignation, there hasn't been such opportunities coming in. maybe it was bad timing.

on the cons side, the biggest risk is that there is actually no guarantee that the federation will be supportive even after i rejoin. consider this: i started refereeing in 2011, right after i got my black belt. discounting the unjust suspension, i'd been refereeing for about 5.5 years before i left the federation. and i'm still at the lowest national rank. there are people who started later than me and/or who have been refereeing for a shorter time than me, and who are outranking me by leaps and bounds now. in fact, the current referee director is one such person. but i bear him no malice. rather, i take issue with the person who has been impeding my promotion. according to the ex-referee director, the way that this person determines promotion eligibility is that he'll play back a referee's performance during a competition, and scrutinize for all errors. like i said before, i'm ok if someone who's of an equal or higher level criticizes me and helps me improve. but to my knowledge, this person doesn't have a valid referee license, so who is he to judge any referee's ability? ugh. even writing about it makes my blood boil.

looking at it from a best-case/worst-case way, the best case is that things go as promised, and i get promoted at 31= years old. hopefully i'd have earned my second dan by then, which makes going for continental referee before 35 possible. the worst case would be that i get played out, whether intentionally or not, and basically waste 2 years of effort. while i trust the referee director, i can't say the same for the rest of the management. sometimes when i have to deal with all this monkey business, i wish that i'd pursued a degree in law instead of chemistry.

going back to the fundamental question, am i that hard-up for the continental referee title? after all, i'll be going for a kurash refereeing course, which instantly gives me international referee status. the difference is that judo is more popular than kurash at the moment, so something judo-related is more likely to be recognized. although if kurash plays its cards (and money) right, it could see a meteoric rise...like 2024 olympics kind of meteoric. i won't deny that going for all this serves a twofold purpose. (1) the more altruistic purpose of promoting the sport and giving back to the community, contrasted with (2) the more selfish purpose of gaining recognition/accreditation and being able to travel/enjoy life a little. i think here's what i'll do. i'll look into going back to referee, and give it a few competitions. if i see things that i disagree with, or if i feel that nothing has changed from the previous times, i'll give it up.

moving away from this topic, i'll be attending a kurash referee course in taiwan this coming weekend. it's kind of a rushed deal, 4 days total, 2 days of actual refereeing stuff. it amazes me that airfare to taiwan is so expensive! maybe because it's a popular tourist destination...though it's not really tour season now, is it? oh well. hopefully the money and time invested will be worthwhile. mental note: start packing on and off throughout the week. don't want to have the nightmare packing experience from my last overseas trip again.

things with malaysian person are kind of average. it doesn't help that they're not chatty, so they basically only reply to my messages. i've been initiating conversations 100% of the time, which is kind of sad. i doubt they know that i like them, so i suppose i can't expect too much. i've toyed with the idea of driving up to meet them, later in the year when i'm more free. google maps says it's about a 5-hour drive, assuming no jam at the causeway. i'm just thinking, maybe i'll stop by scary JC friend's place in johor for a couple of days, then take a road trip with her if she's free. wonder if malaysian person will let me crash at their place. doubt it. it also seems kind of obnoxious to ask, so i'll probably arrange for alternate accommodations and meet them for dinner or something. oh! just remembered that i didn't mention it in the previous posts...malaysian person is really huggable. perfect balance of firm and soft. with luck, i might get to experience that way more often. but let's remain realistic for now. get to know each other better first, find out if mutual attraction exists.

-random thought of the day: Got a suitcase!-

Something that chemical engineer cousin blogged about recently came to mind earlier today, when i was talking to one of the chemistry guys - "we judge ourselves by our intentions, but judge others by their actions". he was telling me about his professor having a job opening, as he (my friend) was leaving the lab to start a job outside. the topic of conversation soon drifted to my thesis, and the remaining work i have to do before submission. i was telling him about some of my failed attempts at synthesizing my molecule, and for some reason he started telling me what i should do. as in literally, "you should try...". i know he's a good person, and that he means well. still, i couldn't help feeling irked when he tried to troubleshoot my synthesis. well, perhaps not because he did it, but at the way that he went about doing it. for the record, i didn't ask him for any help in that regard. he also gave me some advice about job-hunting, and in his usual manner, it was like, "you should apply for so-and-so company...". i do appreciate his intention, honestly. but at this point in time, looking for a job is barely on my priority list. i did tell him that i wanted to take a break before seriously looking, but somehow i think we had a miscommunication. i guess he thinks i'm hard-up for cash. while i could use extra money (who couldn't?), i do have plans in place (tuition, other stuff) to make my savings last longer.

every time i feel negative about something, i'll ask myself whether i'm justified to feel this way, or if there's any underlying reason for me feeling thusly. in this case, i think there might be one - that i didn't work as hard and/or as smart as i could/should have. well...since i'm already this close to submission, there's not much room for me to do any radical new stuff. at the end of the day, i have to remind myself that he has my best interests at heart, and having people genuinely looking out for you is a rare thing in the world.

got more work done today. thank goodness i found more spectra, though it seems that i will have to repeat my HPLC study for 4 of my compounds. and thank goodness i still have some of them left over. hope they're still pure. finishing chapter 3 by the end of this week seems possible. and my postdoc has gone through my 3 finished chapters already, so i'm due to get feedback from her tomorrow. from our conversation, i don't think she thinks that it's too bad. right now, she says she has something to ask me regarding the content. only one thing to ask in about 150 pages is a win to me. but let's see what it is.

was doing a bit of thinking about relationships. i realize that i want someone affirming, who builds me up and who(m?) i can build up too. cliche as it sounds, i do believe in the "us against the world" thing for couples. not that we HAVE to fight everyone else, but in the event that the whole world turns on us, at least we'd have each other kind of thing. to put it differently, i want someone for whom i'd willingly give up everything if push came to shove. the more i look at it, the more apparent it is to me that i didn't have that with the ex, and that breaking up would have only been a matter of time unless they were willing to change for me too (which they didn't appear to be). i am hoping so hard that i'll find something closer to my ideals with malaysian person. reminder to self: take it slow. i'm in no position to confess right now. can't afford a distraction if things go south. i did something which i didn't even do for the ex - i pinned our whatsapp conversation to the top of my list. it helps that their profile picture is a really nice shot of them taken in japan. i've been looking at the photo perhaps a bit more than necessary, and i realize that they have very kind eyes, and an attractive smile. but as you may have guessed, i'm definitely biased and not a reliable source in this instance.

time to sleep! have to go comb through my saved NMRs to dig out more spectra that i need. pity the software is kind of restricted, so i have to use a workstation in the NMR lab. other upcoming events: alumni dinner, judo referee seminar (this one will need a substantial amount of text), and kurash referee course.

-random thought of the day: Need to borrow a suitcase.-

Very good day today! malaysian person came to singapore to visit relatives for CNY, and by some amazing coincidence, these relatives live in sengkang as well. so we met at compass one, had coffee, and walked around a bit. wouldn't call it a date exactly, considering i doubt they know i like them. must admit, i fell in like even harder after meeting them in the flesh. since it was our first meeting, i didn't do anything impulsive, like confessing my undying love. all in all, it's a good start, i think. only potential wrench in the cogs (apart from whether they like me back or not) is the distance. i casually sounded them out, and it seems that there's no intention for them to move to singapore. it makes more sense to stay in malaysia i guess, since they've got their own house and everything there. so anything we do would probably be long-distance. and with my plan to apply for the JET program later this year, it could be REALLY long-distance. still...one can hope. maybe there will be an attractive job opening in malaysia? personally, i'm not too keen on the idea of working and living there (weak currency and questionable safety being the two key reasons). let's just see how things pan out. the future is full of surprises, after all.

something that i forgot to mention in the previous post is that my nice mechanic friend lent me a honda fit while my car is unusable. it's the same one from when my car was in his shop to get some work done almost a year ago. driving the honda fit is...different. as i said last year, the seat's too high. that, along with the different shape of the car, makes my reference points all different. i discovered that i drive by muscle memory...like, my body remembers the amount of force needed to push down on the pedal to get the car to move at a certain speed, or to exert a certain amount of braking force. unfortunately, that force doesn't translate across cars, especially cars with different masses and engine capacities (1.6 civic vs 1.3 fit). i've been finding it necessary to step on the accelerator harder in order to get up to speed. no big deal. one might even argue that driving slower might actually be a good thing for me. well, i'll adapt. the key thing is to be accident-free. another interesting thing is that i'm more or less eye-level with the rear-view mirror, compared to being slightly below it in the civic. if you know the condition of my eyes, somehow this works out such that my right eye is focused on the road, while my left eye takes in information from the mirror. mildly disorienting, but i'll adapt too.

continuing on things i didn't mention in my last post, i got a note 8! it's a big improvement over the note 5, and i'm enjoying it. bixby (the samsung equivalent of apple's siri) is wonderful, too. you get get it to do lots of stuff, from something as simple as "swipe left" to more complicated options like "mark all my messages as read". it's only good for controlling functions and systems within the phone, though. for other stuff, there's google assistant. makes me feel like we're really coming close to being able to treat our devices as personal assistants, kind of like jarvis in iron man. though i do concede that it'll take another 25 years at the least before we see a comparable level of technology, maybe 50 years before it becomes affordable to the average person.

i am starting to feel a little worried for thesis submission. there are about 6 weeks to go. let's discount 2 weeks for my professor to read and give feedback, as well as for me to do edits. that leaves 4 weeks from now. good thing that i already have 3 chapters complete, so that's somewhat of a blessing. chapter 3 is about 70% complete, still have to finish up the supporting information (including finding the spectra) and write in the HPLC study of my model complexes. for chapter 4, i have the whole results and discussion section and supporting information to go. oh, not forgetting the preface and conclusion, which can be done in less than a day once everything else is in place. is everything doable in a month? probably. i could even squeeze it into 2 weeks (or 1 super intense week) if i had all the data ready on hand. but as it is, i'm still going to need some experiments. don't want to give myself false hope or anything, but as long as i can get chapter 3 out by this coming week, things should be ok. hope i still have some of the compounds in case i have to repeat any HPLC stuff.

-random thought of the day: Happy.-

Change of plan! the car is repairable, after all. my mechanic friend said that the engine wasn't damaged, so there's a good chance of getting it up and running. will have to replace the front and back, definitely, but i'll leave it to him since he's the expert. also made a police report since the accident is classified as a hit and run. surprisingly, neither the insurance guy nor the traffic police who responded that night registered it as such. good news is the vehicle's make and model that we identified tallies with the licence plate that i managed to get off the video from my dashboard camera. just have to wait for the traffic police to take action. hope that won't need too long. as it is, my mechanic has said that third-party insurance claims take about a year to process, ie. it'll be about a year before we see any money. i've been to the doctor twice, just for proper documentation and all that. given the nature of my injuries, there's also not much i can do except to let them heal over time. still limping a little, which is annoying.

that accident has completely derailed my work schedule. the plan was to send my professor chapter 3 by this coming monday, but that doesn't look possible. hopefully i can get it done by mid-week. as it is, most of the stuff is in place. just need to find some spectra and discuss another series of experiments. hopefully i have the data somewhere. turns out a few of my files got corrupted in our previous network drive. and i am almost certain i didn't make backups, which kind of sucks. i'll figure something out. at least i've managed to pull spectra out for a few of my more important reactions.

-random thought of the day: Happy CNY!-

Destiny/fate/a deity of your choice might be trying to send me a message, or teach me a lesson. yesterday was a huge exercise in perspective. earlier in the day, a driver cut me off, causing my phone's screen to crack and the LCD display to bleed as a result of it hitting something else (probably my keys) when i jammed the brake. that was a major thing at that time, but on the way back from lab, i was involved in an accident that saw my car spin out across 3 out of the 4 lanes of the expressway. thankfully i didn't hit any other cars during the spin. investigations are still ongoing, so i can't say too much. most important things are: (1) i'm not seriously hurt (but injured nonetheless), (2) my dashcam footage indicates that another driver was at fault, as he cut into my lane. that point is still pending investigation by the traffic police, of course. i should count my blessings that i only sustained minor abrasions, bumps, strains, and sprains. i seriously marvel at not having broken any bones in almost 30 years of life (and 2 car accidents, as well as several sports-related injuries). the major negative is that my car's totalled. just by looking at it, repairs wouldn't be economical at all. i guess this is one of those cases where logic (and economics) have to win out, and i have to make the more sound decision of scrapping the car instead of going with my emotions and having it repaired. to be honest though, as much as i love my car, i would hesitate to drive it again after having seen how banged up it was after the dust had settled.

maybe it's me trying to find a positive in this entire mess, but i think that in a way, losing the car gives me some measure of freedom. you see, i'm no longer tied down by 5 years of COE. meaning that if i do decide to go for the JET program, i won't have to go through the hassle of selling the car. and right now, i can use the money from the COE refund to get a 9 year-old car which i can deregister at the end of this year. but that's some way into the future. i still need to ensure that i'm not at fault, and that all the insurance is claimed from the other party.

without the car, i'll also be far less mobile. that might give me more reason to work longer hours in school to finish up my thesis. i am actually considering staying in school over the weekdays, since i do have a portable bed, plus i know where the shower facilities are. sounds like a plan; i'll just have to pack enough clothes and all that.

i am naturally upset about the loss of my car, but i'll save the mourning and grief for later, after everything's settled. i have the perfect picture for the commemorative facebook post which i plan on writing. in it, the car was parked in a parking lot with the number "1". still on my to-do list: medical checkup, accident report, and perhaps i should check in for counselling. somehow i feel that mentally, i'm still somewhat shaken up. thankfully there hasn't been any symptoms of concussion, or memory loss, or other cognitive impairment. right now, the plan is to relax as much as i can.

also have to look into getting my phone repaired, or getting a new phone. perhaps it's a good thing too, since it'll be one less reminder of the ex. and thank goodness i was smart enough to sign a SIM-only plan, which leaves me room to upgrade my contract with M1. doubt i'll be getting a phone from M1 though, as not only does my per-month amount double, i'll still have to pay a relatively high price for the phone, as compared to second-hand sellers. incidentally, i was planning on getting a note 8. simply replacing my note 5 with another one did occur to me, but at this point in the phone's retail cycle, only old second-hand sets are available. my dad did say to get something relatively new too, so as to have less worry about it breaking down on me. i've done a bit of research on the note 8, and it seems that second-hand models are going for up to $500 off the recommended retail price. i wonder whether it's advisable to buy phones like this. after all, we won't know how the previous owners handled the phones. i did learn something from the ex, because i noticed that they always bought their phones new and then sold them on carousell second-hand. at the end of the day, perhaps peace of mind is worth paying the extra $$ for.

just had a quick conversation with my friend/agent, and he thinks that we have a case. i'm certainly hoping so. have to preserve my no-claim discount. meanwhile, i'm going to (try and) sleep some of the injuries off.

-random thought of the day: sucks being phoneless, but thank goodness for whatsapp web.-

Let's tackle some prompts!

gender reveal party: it's probably not much of a secret now, but my cousin's expecting! well...his wife is, naturally, since it's biologically impossible for my cousin himself to get pregnant. the baby's expected delivery date is late june to early july. while i'm not new to this whole becoming an uncle thing, it's the first time one of my relatives around my age is going to have a kid. i'm both thrilled at the thought, yet reminded that i'm at the age where the idea of becoming a parent doesn't sound ludicrously far off. since my cousin had a party and all, i don't think he means to keep it secret any more that he and his wife are expecting a baby girl! it was quite cool, the way they did it. even the parents-to-be didn't know the gender of their baby. they gave the results to a baker, who baked a cake such that the colour inside indicated the gender of the baby - blue for boy, pink for girl. don't know if it was the lighting or what, but i thought that the colour looked purple, which happens to be a mix of blue and red/pink. lucky there were glowsticks in the appropriate colour for clarification. i hope to be as good an uncle to my cousin's daughter as his parents have been a good uncle and aunt to me. while i can feel certain paternal instincts welling up, similar as to with my friends' kids, it's still not strong enough to make me want a kid of my own. and that's fine. considering how behind i am in terms of career advancement and financial security compared to most of my peers, i know that i'm definitely not ready for a kid at this point of time, and most likely won't be ready for the next 5 years, either. having friends and relatives who do have kids is the next-best alternative, which i'll happily accept.

standard of driving: remember how i said i didn't drive on monday, because i had to go to town? well, i just remembered a very important reason why i'd rather drive than be driven. the average singaporean driver sucks! i don't feel good when i'm sitting with drivers who don't use their turn signals. a part of me just wanted to remind them, but it would probably start a conflict. up till now, i still don't understand why drivers refuse to signal their intention to filter, especially on a crowded road. apparently there's a penalty attached to this, in the form of a fine. other things which i didn't know a driver can be fined for: road hogging and not being in the proper lane to turn. maybe it's time i put my dashcam to better use. some morons need to be taught a lesson.

frustrating ICA experience: somehow, i haven't been lucky in terms of passport applications. the first time i did it in 2013, my debit card was rejected. this time, the application took longer than expected to process. the ICA website said to expect about a week's wait. knowing when i needed my passport, i was generous enough to give them 2 weeks. and it still wasn't enough, due to the pre-CNY rush. talking to the counter lady was frustrating initially, but i think we connected a little when i told her that i knew that the delay wasn't her fault. i actually think ICA should be more proactive in updating waiting times. another thing that struck me as weird was that in my opinion, the ICA was not operating at full efficiency despite being aware of the pre-CNY situation. for one, half of the registration counters were closed, leaving 2 receptionists to register everyone and give out queue numbers. the projected wait time was 40 minutes, though i think it only took 25. secondly, the counters inside the processing area weren't operating at full capacity either. and when i went back to collect my passport, i had to wait for about 90 minutes since i didn't make an appointment. more like i couldn't, because they had to rush my application. so what happens is that they have this queue number system where each new queue number called is accompanied by a chime (which sounds like a doorbell), and directions to the counter where you get served. during the wait, i noticed that the staff at one particular counter would press the chime aggressively and repeatedly until the person reached the counter. it's unprofessional, to say the least. i suppose i have to see things from her point of view too, that she wants to minimize wait time. but there should be a better way to do that, instead of irritating the population at large. well...i'm hoping that my next passport renewal will be smoother.

teaching white belts: after the ICA thing on monday, i went down to pierce for their judo training. the coach surprised me by asking me to teach the sec 1s a throw. bear in mind that before that, the last time i taught a class of beginners was...gosh, i don't even remember. conservative estimate - 2 years ago? there was this one guy, who was rather talkative and disruptive. i guess my irritation showed through a little, because one of the alumni poked fun at me about it for a bit. have to remember that they're new to the sport, and the last thing i want to do is to kill their interest. still, they seem pretty ok, as far as novices go. knowing the coach, he'll get them into fighting shape by this time next year.

potential new favourite(?): my coaching record hasn't been that great, in terms of maintaining good relationships with my students. results were fantastic (1 gold medal, and proficiency in nage no kata), but i don't talk to any of them any more. in fact, i haven't talked to them for 2 years or more. so, i'm a little worried that some of the BPS pierce (the schools merged, so i'll use both names interchangeably) kids are kind of growing on me. interestingly, one of the kids who i remember from my first few visits there is now the school team captain. he made an impression on me because of his fighting spirit despite his small size at the time, and i remember encouraging him in front of the whole class. wonder if that memory has stayed with him. somehow, i don't think i'm ready to accept a student at that same level as before. well...as with my love life, it'll happen if it's meant to happen. no point pushing for something if even one party is unwilling.

revised paper manuscript: i formatted it, and sent it to our collaborator. he made changes, and sent it back. now it's with my professor for final checking. we still have to confirm one more result before we resubmit. hopefully we can get it out by end-february. would help my thesis to have at least one paper, even if it's just under review at the time of defense.

my shoe's broken: having visited the uzbekistan embassy on monday, i naturally dressed up a bit. shirt, pants, shoes. now i'll be the first to admit that i don't really think about shoe care, so when i reached home, i did what i always do, and toed off my formal shoes. big mistake. the left shoe separated from the sole, almost to the halfway point. i've had those shoes for about 4.5 years now, so according to a shoe salesman i spoke to, they're approaching the end of their lifespan, which is typically 5 years. i'm still hoping that i can use this pair for a little while longer. on that note, i have to buy shoe glue. don't know what happened to the tube i had before. guess it got lost in the move to sengkang.

need more experiments: came up with a plan of action, and some target compounds to synthesize. definitely going to have to work through CNY. my junior did get a successful result, which gives me hope. her product yield was horribly low, though. think i should consider giving her route a go. reminder to self, it's now nearing the end of week 6.

annoying wake-up call: one of the pierce alumni heard about my activity-packed monday, and that i asked the guy i was supposed to go with to the embassy for a wake-up call. as you know, people will often joke about calling you at ungodly hours, telling you to go pee or something like that. this guy seriously called me at 6:00am. considering i only slept at about 2:30am, and that my appointment was scheduled for 10:00am, any gratitude i had was overshadowed by irritation. still, i know he means well. won't stop me from smacking him a little this saturday at training, though.

finally got through all of that! got one more piece of more recent news, in that the SJF just appointed a new referee director. it's interesting, because this guy is one of the newest continental referees in singapore. and not only is he younger than me, he started refereeing later than me too, so that kind of drives the knife in deeper a little. at least i'm on good terms with this guy, and he did say that he wants a clean slate. he did invite me to the upcoming referee seminar too, which was a nice surprise. i doubt he knows the extent of stuff that went on between me and the federation, so perhaps i should enlighten him and see if he reconsiders. if things somehow do work out and i am accepted back to referee, i will be pushing for promotion. have to make sure that we're both on the same page for this too. i won't get too excited for this, because as far as i'm concerned, it's not the right time to step back into judo at the national level...nor will it be until the management changes for the better. but well, i will place a bit of hope in my friend, and approach this with an open mind. if it works out, great. if it doesn't, i don't lose anything more anyway.

-random thought of the day: Big hole in pocket about to form.-

Fast one today. since i was supposed to go into town today, i decided not to drive for a couple of reasons. (1) no fighting with traffic, (2) no parking and ERP. although come to think of it, driving might just have been cheaper. i took 3 grab trips today, from my place to the uzbekistan embassy, from the embassy to ICA, from ICA back home. fare was $37 (surge pricing!), $7.40, $14 respectively, for a total of $48.40. somehow, i don't think it would have cost that much if i had just driven. i'm effectively paying about $14 a day for the car (based on COE calculations). the total distance was about 40km. i get about 14km/L of petrol, which means i would have needed about 3L of petrol. each litre sells for $2.25, meaning that i would have spent $6.75 on petrol. not sure how much the embassy charges for parking, so let's assume $10. parking at ICA is 80 cents per half hour in the day, and i spent 2 hours there. that's...$3.20. all in all, my total driving expenditure would have been $33.95, or about 30% less expensive. or worst case would have been $39.95 if i had eaten a $6 ERP. maybe i should just drive next time. did tell my friend who was there for the embassy meeting to schedule future sessions at less peak periods, as he's the point of contact.

we're making good progress for kurash! the embassy is very supportive, which is extremely uplifting, especially after all the headache over judo. incidentally, i'm completely out of ideas for judo. it doesn't seem possible, unless we suddenly meet a benefactor who has training facilities available to us for cheap/free. will continue to hope for a miracle while chasing any leads that may pop up.

got several thoughts still floating around, but i'll save them for later. very briefly: gender reveal party, standard of driving, frustrating ICA experience, teaching white belts, potential new favourite(?), revised paper manuscript, my shoe's broken, need more experiments, annoying wake-up call. all this and more next time, i guess!

-random thought of the day: Tired.-

Having a minor freakout episode, so i think i'll blog about it a little, and about some other things that happened over the past 2 days.

first of all, my friend successfully defended his thesis, and has earned the title of doctor. i'm happy for him, and just the tiniest bit envious. but then, i realize that i don't have justification for envy. he worked hard, and got his reward fair and square. i realize it's (paradoxically) easier to be envious of people you don't like, because of a certain mentality that goes, "how can such a horrible person get such a good reward!?" but as i've said before, envy is not a productive emotion for me at this point of time. he did share a tip with me, and that is to highlight my contribution to the field. will bear that in mind. also have to think of shortening my powerpoint presentation. he had about 35 total, which took about 40 minutes to run through. my introduction already has about 16. given that there's some allowance for presentation time (45 minutes maximum i think), i can afford to have about 50 slides, since some of them are title slides and whatnot. i think what helped my friend's presentation a lot was that he had a lot of microscopy images, which allowed the audience to actually see the nanoparticles that he made. but that's because of the nature of his research. for me, my work is more conventional, meaning that short of x-ray crystallography, there's no way to see my molecules directly. so i've got to rely on spectra and things like that for proof that my compounds are correct. it's just a consequence of our research areas, nothing we can really do. reminder to self, put in more spectra.

i also found out (purely by accident) that blogger has been misbehaving a little. usually when people post comments, i'd get a banner notification telling me that there were new comments awaiting my approval. unfortunately, that hasn't happened since last september or so. turns out that chemical engineer cousin had left a couple of comments in these few months, and i totally wasn't aware of them! luckily i clicked into the comments tab by mistake, and saw some new activity there. sorry i didn't see them earlier!

my minor episode was brought about by thinking about death, and whatever happens beyond our normal lifespan. it's kind of weird that both death and immortality are equally scary. death is scary because you don't know what's coming afterwards. and immortality is scary because there's a chance that you'll outlive everything...the sun, the galaxy, the universe. and i don't know how true this is, but i've read that the human brain isn't designed to hold infinite information. there was a "what if" kind of story i saw a while back, that ended with the immortal protagonist floating in space after several billions of years, until the end of the universe, where everything just became darkness. it's beyond my grasp, really. personally, i think i'd rather live too long than die too early. to analyze it from a purely scientific point of view, it seems like there's nothing after death, just like there's nothing before birth. i wonder if it's like going to sleep, just that you don't wake up. i still don't understand what happens to your consciousness, though. i'd imagine there might be some dreaming, but what about after your brain activity stops? there's another popular hypothesis i read, which says that your perception of time slows down, and you sort of "re-live" your life as you're dying. that means that the "me" that's writing this post could just be a memory, while i'm really near the end of my life somewhere. maybe by the time i'm older, technology would have advanced to the point where it will be possible to transplant consciousnesses into younger bodies...although i doubt it.

shouldn't bother about this too much, right? i mean, i'm not one for suicide, so i basically won't be control of how and when i'll die. don't know why it scares me so much, too. perhaps it's because i haven't found my true calling, and i don't want to leave the world without being of some use. apparently, my calling isn't high-level chemistry. perhaps i'll find it in my next stage of life after this. meanwhile, i should probably focus more on things i can affect/change.

-random thought of the day: Still mildly worried.-