All of a sudden, there's been a huge reduction in my stress levels. that's largely because my ES proposal has been submitted. i hope something good comes out of it...otherwise, staying up until 6:30am between sunday and monday wouldn't have been worth it. nor would surviving a full monday's classes on half an hour's sleep, for that matter.

surprisingly, i don't feel all that tired now. maybe it'll kick in later or something. hope not, though. i can't afford to slack off just yet, due to an organic test this thursday...and by extension, my finals in about 3 weeks. somehow, i have the feeling that my CAP's going to go down this semester. not good.

about what i said earlier about not being tired...i take that back. the fatigue just hit me. i don't think i'll continue this post much further, except to say that i want to blog about my grading kata, coaching philosophy, a bit on lab, cooking, and some other random stuff.

-random thought of the day: Go for consultation or study at home tomorrow?-

Clearly, the last post didn't do a good enough job of damage prevention, because i sort of sank into a horrible mood yesterday. my secondary school self would have called it "male PMS" (which i still believe does exist). guess there was still some negative stuff which i didn't talk about. the somewhat scary (yet interesting) bit is that these things are manifesting themselves in my dreams. as an unfortunate result, i haven't really been sleeping that well, either.

i suppose the one major thing that i neglected to mention last time was about my driving ban. well, not really ban...more like restriction. ever since the accident, some doubt has been cast on my eyesight. my relatives seem to think that my distance judgement is off as my eyes aren't working normally. while i do appreciate their concern, i personally think that my eyes are no more damaged than they already were, and that the accident was caused as i wanted to rush to the airport. it dies get kind of annoying, especially when i think i need to drive just a little bit to get rid of the residual effects of the accident (i dreamt about it a couple of times...not pleasant). nevertheless, i've booked an appointment to see an eye specialist at the NUS health centre sometime in may, so i suppose i can wait until then, at least. might be good too...in case something is horribly wrong.

my injury has kind of improved, though it's not near 100%. i'm beginning to judge injuries on 2 scales...good enough for daily life, and good enough for judo. practically all of my injuries meet the requirements for the first category, but not the second. that kind of sucks, because i can't even do a rolling breakfall without feeling pain. at least i can still demonstrate some throws, so it's not all that bad. have to look on the bright side...my injuries don't trouble me all that much in daily life, except when i have to sneeze, or when i just wake up. the injuries could have been much worse, so i'll count my blessings...though i still fervently wish that none of them had happened.

about my dreams...they're not very safe for posting online, because they involve people i know doing stuff that they would not normally do. furthermore, some of this stuff isn't exactly...reader-friendly/-safe, let's leave it at that. but if dreams are a manifestation of a person's deepest wants, i think i may need psychological evaluation. needless to say, this, along with my collarbone injury, have made it difficult to get enough actual restful sleep. maybe that's why i'm not feeling as refreshed as before, despite sleeping for more hours.

recently, i can't seem to blog properly. as in...i'll write a couple of sentences or paragraphs, then get distracted, then come back some time later and write more. sometimes, i put it off so much that i just save it in a draft and continue another day, by which time some other stuff has happened, and i put off publishing the post even more. bleh. maybe blogging is losing its novelty at last...after close to 8 years. i don't know. just hope that i get out of this funk soon.

oh...one last thing. regarding the tuition kids, i've decided not to care all that much. i'm going to use a newton's third law approach — my level of interest will match theirs. i figure it's no point going all out for them if they return me horrible results. after all, (greater than, or) proportional returns motivate people, not sub-par results. so...12/50 translates to 24%, and 37.5/100 speaks for itself. that's the same amount of effort i'll be putting in for them, until they prove that they deserve better.

thanks to this post (and bon jovi in the background), i do feel better. i think i just need to spend some time (like a week) alone, away from the stresses of school and deadlines. soon...summer break's coming.

-random thought of the day: ♥s Bon Jovi!-

Mental backlog is accumulating to significant levels. not anywhere near critical yet, but bad enough to give rise to negativity. figured that i'd better clear it now, lest i risk being overcome by bad thoughts.

since the last post, several interesting things have happened, one of them being the training camp. well...grading/bonding camp. i didn't participate all that much in the bonding activities. after all, i'm already an old senior, ad i should probably allow bonding to happen between the J1s and J2s, and maybe some newer seniors as well. what i did do was help out in the technical aspect of the camp, by teaching grading syllabus. despite my repeated emphasis on basic stuff, like remembering the japanese names of the various techniques and breakfalls, the kids weren't able to live up to expectations. kind of saddening. well, at least they all passed.

monday and tuesday were just school. as usual, there's a net inflow of work. thanks to the small amount of study i did on saturday morning, organic looks a little more manageable. guess my friend was right...we have to start revision early to cover everything before the finals. other than that, the other modules are pretty much bleh. next week has the potential to be hectic, since we have a project due. as for my day off today, i went back for CJC/SJI training. taught grading syllabus for a short while, and generally made myself useful. nothing really remarkable.

you know, i think that my teaching method needs some work. maybe it could be because of my tuition kids' dismal results for their common tests. i mean...12/50 and 37.5/100? it sucks, because i think i did a decent job highlighting the important stuff and telling them what to watch out for. something similar is happening when i teach grading syllabus, too. the kid i taught today didn't seem to be able to remember the stuff, despite one-on-one attention. on the other hand, i sort of understand why they can't get it as well. for academics, i'm kind of facing the same problem, because i haven't been studying as hard as i should. for judo, maybe the japanese names are confusing. nevertheless, the point i'm trying to bring across is that it sucks when you (i) spend so much effort to teach, and it doesn't show.

hopefully, this is just a passing emo phase. i do want to blog more about my thoughts and feelings about CJC judo, amongst other things (like my injuries). but not now. it's a cold night, and that means conducive sleeping conditions.

-random thought of the day: Blog more frequently!-

Trying to get surveys done by going door to door has seriously changed my view about the general singapore population. i went through about 64 floors of HDB blocks, and i only got 30% of my surveys done. to put my statement in perspective, i only had 10 surveys to do. of course, i didn't knock on every single door...but i tried for about one per floor. 3 in 64...that's 1 survey done per 21 houses or something. and to think this is just surveys...imagine if i'd been trying to sell something! well...like one of the cat high alumni seniors said, it's good for people to experience rejection sometimes. helps to keep one grounded.

ironically, i found that christian houses were not more inclined to help than other non-religious households. i'm not trying to stir anything up...just reporting facts. i think that it's kind of ironic/sad, because after 12 years of being in various christian/catholic schools, i've gotten the impression that they're supposed to be more willing to help. or maybe they reserve that behaviour solely for church. whatever the case, it's just not encouraging. if i were them, i probably wouldn't display any religious stuff outside my house. better that someone thinks negatively of just me alone than of my entire religion. then again, perhaps it's unfair of me to make this claim. after all, the christians i met today only probably make up 0.0001% of the total christian population in singapore.

other than that, the week has passed by really quickly. taught grading syllabus on monday, had a physics test on tuesday, went for a checkup on wednesday, and the survey today. that about sums up my week so far. nothing that remarkable for monday and tuesday...grading was just grading (though i wasn't sure about some techniques) and the physics test was easy, especially so since i'm a chem major. barring any careless mistakes, i'm optimistically looking at full marks.

yesterday was the first time i went to the health centre in my 3 semesters in NUS. their efficiency was pretty decent...nothing to shout about, though. the doctor ordered a couple of X-rays, and i'm happy to announce that there's no fracture. that means that my injury's just a bad strain. it feels better, thanks in part to the prescribed painkillers. hope i can train (lightly) tomorrow. i'm looking forward to wear my black belt for the first time.

today's been nice and cool throughout. i almost didn't want to leave the house for lecture, and now, i can't wait to get into bed. must enjoy the weather while it lasts.

-random thought of the day: Damned surveys.-

Kind of late/early to be blogging now, but i want to update a little on my injury and other stuff.

true to expectation, visiting the chinese doctor involved lots of needles and pain. my collarbone/neck area looks like it's been attacked by a starving vampire or something similar! i don't feel all that well yet, but i guess it's an improvement from yesterday. range of motion is limited to about 50%, and lying down or getting up hurts like you wouldn't believe. based on my amateur knowledge of sports medicine, i think it's either a very bad strain, or a very minor fracture. i'm kind of worried about the worst-case scenario, because i've never broken/fractured a bone in my life! at any rate, i've decided to call the nice NUS medical people tomorrow to set up an appointment for an x-ray, hopefully within the week.

while at the NUS medical centre, i'm also planning to get my eyes checked.apparently, my aunt told my dad not to let me drive until i got a clean bill of health. i just found out about this interesting development yesterday, since i haven't asked for the car in about 3 weeks. not like it mattered, and it's also not like i can drive now, anyway, what with my injury and all. still, it's for the best, since i THINK that my depth perception may be a little off.

it sucks how connected the human body is! well...not really. what sucks worse is that every new injury is a painful reminder of that. for instance, my left collarbone is the injured area. moving my right arm in certain positions triggers stabs of pain there! in addition to getting up and lying down, looking too far right hurts as well, and don't even get me started on how changing clothes has become a real (painful) chore. not to mention sneezing or yawning. to give you an idea of how bad it is, the stab of pain that i feel as i'm about to sneeze kills the sneezing reflex. makes me wonder how i'll survive the mock job interview tomorrow, as well as lab on tuesday.

other than me being whiny about my injuries, there's not much more to add. well...maybe that i'm due to teach grading syllabus to the NUS people tomorrow. now that my belt colour's darkened, i'm expecting more responsibilities and teaching roles. not that i wasn't capable of teaching as a brown belt, but it's sort of like ranking. black lends credibility to your (my) words. pity that i won't be in gi tomorrow, as wearing a normal shirt is already ridiculously painful. i was so looking forward to putting my black belt on. well, there's always another day for that. now that my booklet's been signed and stamped, i don't suppose that they can demote me unless i commit some major offence. so, there's plenty of time to wear black. just hope that things go smoothly tomorrow, and for the rest of the week as well.

-random thought of the day: Heal faster!!-

Guess where i'm blogging from? i'll give you a hint...the last time i blogged at this particular place was about...2+ years ago, in january 2009. at least that what memory tells me. in the event i'm wrong, i'm actually blogging from my cousin's place, where i'm spending the night. why would i do that on a seemingly random saturday? read on and find out...

for starters, let me just say that this saturday isn't all the random. remember this little thing called black belt grading? well, that was today. to sum it up, it went pretty well. i personally feel that my partner's and my kata were among the top 5 there, if not the top 2. it's not that we're incredibly good or anything...just that everyone else was worse, making us look good. techniques were ok, and they had to test me on 2 of my weaker throws. nevertheless, i did ok, and wasn't asked to repeat anything, unlike a few of the others.

things got a little messed up at sparring. for those who don't know, i'm (self-proclaimed) the weakest senior from my year. bearing that in mind, how do you think i felt when my first opponent was my kata partner? sadly, that match didn't last very long, with predictable results. the second guy i fought was a raffles kid. i don't know how he did it, but he managed to give me a compression injury to the left side of my collarbone. that evens things up nicely...now, both sides of my collarbone have been compressed towards the centre. i was (and still am) feeling quite sore (literally and metaphorically) about it, because i think this injury could have been prevented, by action from either one of us. but well, what's done is done. of course, i hope that i never meet him again, because i'm not quite prepared to forgive just yet.

so, linking back to my first paragraph, that's why i'm staying over at my cousin's place...so that i can go to the nice chinese doctor again tomorrow (i've been giving them a lot of business recently) to get the injury looked over. i hope it's one of those things that can be fixed with massage and needles (preferably not, but have to if no choice). more importantly, i hope it can be fixed quickly. i need my mobility! right now, it hurts to raise my left arm to and beyond shoulder level. just imagine how many profanities i used when showering. hopefully, this won't affect my sleeping position much.

now that it's past 12:00am (and hence, sunday), i can officially wear my black belt! not that i'll be doing it soon, though...the earliest is probably wednesday, when/if i go for CJC training. next date after that is friday/saturday, over the grading camp. for now, it's bedtime for me. have to be up early tomorrow to (hopefully) get things cracked into place.

-random thought of the day: Musn't get too attached to juniors...-

Blogging time! figured that i'd get an early start on it, so that i have more free time over the next couple of days for lab reports and tuition, amongst other things. like i've mentioned before, i'm determined to blog deeper, and this post will not be published until i've said everything i want to say — even if it takes forever! a couple of days.

starting with the most recent happenings, we went down for coaching today, only for the school not to show up. an hour of waiting and a couple of phone calls later, we established that the teacher put the wrong date in the training schedule which she sent out. nevertheless, the centre is still charging the school, since the lanes were already blocked off. and since the centre's charging, the coaches are charging as well. do you know what this means? free money! while i do feel kind of bad for the teacher, the decision on whether or not to charge the school wasn't made by me. i'm just following along.

before coaching, i went to see the chinese doctor to get my toe fixed. the process involved a lot of cracking, a fair amount of pressure, and a few needles. while i still don't have the full range of motion, at least it's now better as compared to pre-treatment. i think i'll have to let it repair itself naturally a bit more before i can return to strenuous activity. worst case is that i go for a follow-up next week, to get everything stretched out or something. as it is, i'm kind of optimistic that it'll be ok in time for grading without any further human intervention.

while at the chinese doctor, i told them that i iced the sprain, as is common advice from western medicine. it makes sense from a scientific point of view too, because we all know that cold makes things contract. oddly enough, chinese medicine says that icing the sprain is bad, as it introduces some funny (bad) thing into the body. conflicting views...and i don't know which side to believe. as a scientist, i am forced to agree that the western idea is not wrong. but having experienced limited success with icing and getting several other injuries treated (with significantly better results) by chinese medicine, i can't ignore its effectiveness either. well, the chinese have had a longer history...i mean, a civilization doesn't survive for 5000+ years and counting if their medical practices are lousy, right? actually, i don't really care who's right or wrong. i just care about which one works better for me. in this case, it's chinese medicine, so that gets my vote.

mid-way through getting treated, the massage therapist pulled on my injured toe, making it crack. i don't get how they do it! i've been trying to do just that at home, but it never worked. i suspect that it's because unlike myself, the therapist is able to put his whole weight into moving the joint properly, while for obvious reasons, i'm not. of course, there's also how the doctor knows how to crack other things (such as backs) out. wish i could learn how to do that.

remember how i was mildly unhappy about how the embroidery looked on my black belt? after treatment, i had one of those rare brainwave moments and remembered that fact, as well as that spotlight at plaza singapura sells all kinds of sewing supplies (i discovered that while on an outing with the judo kids a while back). since i was about 7 MRT stops away from dhoby ghaut, i decided to go down and try my luck. lucky for me, this was one of those pretty uncommon days where things worked out in my favour. i found silver thread that (based on memory) i thought matched the one on my belt pretty well. for once, my memory served, and i managed to get the correct colour. now, my belt looks that much better, and i'm happier as an added bonus.

not going to plaza singapura for something like 4+ to 5 months has made me unaware of the radical changes that have taken place there. the layout is recognizable, but the shops have changed quite drastically. for instance, there's now a nando's there, as well as a sushi place (which i'm quite keen to try). a shop selling magic tricks, gags and novelty items has set up, well, shop, just opposite to the nando's. i spent a fair bit of time browsing through the stuff they had on sale, but ended up not buying anything. i'll probably go back and make some purchases...certain things have caught my eye. only thing is when. maybe after finals?

-Continued on Wednesday, 09 March 2011-

my mid-terms are over! well, the NUS ones, at least. i'm considering grading as my judo mid-term. out of my 3 core modules, i feel not-good about practically everything. so far, the lecturers have discussed some answers in class, and their suggested answers don't really tally with mine. kind of sucks, but i'd be lying if i said that i studied really hard for the mid-terms (with the exception of judo, which i put a lot of effort into). well, we'll see how bad things look. at this point, salvation is still possible.

tuition has been om my mind for the past month or so, but i just haven't found the appropriate conditions to blog about it yet. my experience thus far this year has led me to wonder whether i've been making a difference in my tuition kids' understanding of the subject. in particular, RJC girl doesn't seem to remember what she's learnt last year. can't exactly blame her, though...she has to divide her attention between 5 subjects, and chem is lower priority since it's H1. no major worry yet, though, since we still have about 7 months before the A-levels.

as for that RGS sec 1 kid, i've decided to stop tuition with her. i realize that we're not communicating effectively with each other. maybe she's not ready for higher-level ideas, or i'm not simplifying them enough. whatever the case, if a student can be disinterested enough to doodle while i'm explaining stuff, that's a clear sign that something's not right/effective. another fact that (i feel) justifies my decision is that she's not catching the concepts the way they should be caught. i've done my best to make her understand, and she says she doesn't have questions. but when i change the question a little, maybe by modifying the mole ratios, she just copies the solution to the previous question and pastes it wholesale to answer the new question. therefore, maybe 2 years later, but definitely not now.

i've also taken on a new CJC kid, from judo once again. she's kind of...air-headed (only a VERY little bit), but i can tolerate that. she's also inquisitive, and tends to ask "why" a lot...which is good. i almost feel bad telling her that the answers to some of her questions are too complicated for her at her current level. at least she's willing to accept that, so that's a relief. as an added bonus, i may end up tutoring her sister as well. that's still in the works, so we'll wait and see.

cats seem to avoid me. i've noticed that even the normally-friendly NUS cats seem to be on guard when i walk by. why, i wonder? not like it affects me all that much (i'm more of a dog person), but i'd at least like to know if it's something i did, or just something about me. maybe they're picking up that i like dogs better...i don't know.

black belt grading is now something like 2.5 days away. i was feeling the pressure initially, but after a kata run with my partner today, i'm feeling much more relieved. turns out that we still managed to pull it off reasonably well even after 2 weeks of non-practice. guess the visualization techniques worked! still need some fine-tuning (as always), but we're mostly good to go. of course, we have to work on our syllabus as well. just that my bum toe is making our kata look less good. bleh.

speaking of black belts, i'd previously posted that there was an error in the embroidery of my friend's name. the nice lady was deeply apologetic, and shipped out a replacement. sad thing is, it's been about 5 days, and i haven't received it yet. this is in contrast to the first shipment, where i received it about 2 days after shipping. i'm curious about the discrepancy, too. maybe last time was an example of excellent service, and this time is just normal. guess the good service i received the first time kind of spoiled me. anyway, i'm not too worried just yet, since the email did state that i was supposed to expect delivery within 4 to 6 days, and only make a fuss after 10 days. something tells me it'll arrive tomorrow. i can just feel it. let's hope i'm right.

you know, i can't really focus on much else other than the grading. that's #1 in my mind right now. thankfully, friday's a free-ish day, so i can mentally prepare/settle myself. tomorrow's packed, but at least i have friends to suffer with me. have to see the chinese doctor again on friday morning, in case he can magically heal my foot, or at least make the pain bearable for the grading. before all that, though, i have to be in school at 7:25am tomorrow for a feedback session about my ES peer teaching. looks like someone won't get much sleep tonight...but hey — i finished blogging! seems like a worthwhile trade to me now, but i'll most likely be kicking myself over it tomorrow.

-random thought of the day: 100% focus on schoolwork after the grading. Promise.-

A mathematical function that describes my week thus far would have to be a y=sin(x). in layman's terms, what i'm trying to say is that there have been ups and downs this week...unfortunately with more downs than ups.

monday was a really horrible day. first, i got killed by the organic mid-term. the worst thing is, it was doable. just that i kind of panicked at the second question, which asked for a synthesis route. i spent quite a while thinking about it mechanistically, which is too in-depth for that question. at any rate, i'd be happy with a pass. sad thing is, a pass in my (prospective) area of expertise is not good enough. like i was telling my friends, i probably have to get to know clayden very well, very quickly.

i also went down to east coast to see the chinese doctor to get something done about the toe. i came to the conclusion that it wouldn't heal in time for the grading if i let it heal naturally. going down to east coast proved to be a waste of time, as the doctors had gone home by the time i arrived. the receptionist told me that they closed at 7:00pm. that got me really angry, since the name card i had said that they closed at 7:30pm. had i known about their revised opening hours, i wouldn't even have bothered to rush down that day after classes, since i definitely wouldn't make it in time. i wonder — who was in the wrong? them for not actively updating their patients about the new hours, or me for not calling ahead?

after several minutes of fuming and calming myself down, i got past that and arranged for an appointment on friday morning. my plan was to see them on wednesday (today) because i was off from school. as luck would have it, they thought that a day off in the middle of the week would be nice as well. hence, friday was my next-soonest option. at that point, it looked quite far away. but now that it's already wednesday, friday seems a lot closer. well...the sooner the better. i really want to be in top (or at least close to top) form for grading. at least the time wasn't completely wasted...i figured out a shorter way from bishan to to east coast, which should save me a bit of time on friday.

lab class yesterday was...normal, i suppose. i added too much solvent to my reaction flask, causing low product yields at first. as a result, i stayed back late to squeeze all the product i possibly could from my reaction mixture. good thing i had a good TA who was willing to stay back late with me, and who even offered alternative methods to try and force my product out. all in all, i got about 50%, which is similar to what the others got. so that's a relief.

today was kind of normal as well, but a bit more on the positive side. got some studying done for analytical. SOME. it's kind of funny how the textbook and notes make sense when i'm reading them, but i still can't do the questions properly. too bad that the JC method doesn't work all the time any more. in addition, i went down to hwa chong to collect my partner's new gi and to hand in my grading application form to the coach. i like getting errands done. makes me feel productive. my partner and i were set to go down to CJC to brush up on our techniques, but turns out they had cross-country today, so there was no training. lucky the notice came early, so i was able to not waste my time by going down, and get in a tiny bit more of studying.

why have i been studying today? well, there are nasty things called mid-terms tomorrow. inorganic and analytical back-to-back, to be exact. i haven't really studied much for inorganic, and analytical is not much better, as the last paragraph shows. looks like it's time for another one of my power naps and early-morning study sessions. just hope that it goes better than monday's did.

i swear, i just can't seem to find the energy to go any deeper than recounting my experiences over the past X number of days, and even doing that completely is difficult sometimes. looks like i have to set aside some dedicated blogging time...probably during the weekend after all my tests and whatnot have passed. on second thought, make that a promise. i WILL do some in-depth blogging this weekend. can't let all the deeper stuff accumulate for too long, after all.

-random thought of the day: Why is it that you can never find the thing you need when you need it?-