At this time, it's already 2019 in some areas of the world. so, better get started if i want to publish this post before the new year. this time, i think that i'll segment my year into several headings, maybe like a highlight reel of sorts.

theme
at the risk of being predictable, the theme i chose for this year is "coming out". the most obvious meaning aside, it's also relevant in terms of coming out from the safety of school and into the so-called "real world".

school/academics
it feels kind of weird to be blogging about school at my age, and from the role of a student, no less! but that's the price of grad school. my journey as an NUS student is basically done, with just the formalities of conferment and commencement left to go. i am grateful that things went well, despite the 1-year delay. considering that i was in my previous professor's lab for a year and a half, i actually gained 6 months. trading those 6 months for a publication and a degree is definitely worth it in the grand scheme of things. but having said that, i'm so happy and relieved that it's all over. with this, i doubt that i'll be studying any more in the future, unless it's for some professional accreditation, or unless something drastic like a mid-life crisis happens.

work
work this year consisted of giving tuition, first privately, then for the learning lab. tuition on a whole is a lucrative business, but teaching private tuition or teaching with a centre both have their pros and cons. having experienced both, i think that teaching at a centre is more for me. considering that my strength lies more towards teaching and that my weakness is marketing and getting students, having the centre get students for me just seems more logical. of course there's a third option in the form of tuition agencies, which matchmake students and tutors for a commission. while that is viable (and was how i got my private assignments this year, in fact), agencies still don't guarantee a consistent flow of students unlike a centre. of course, the downside of working for a centre is having slightly less flexibility. i'm grateful that the learning lab has this weekend tutor program that i'm on, as that way, tutoring functions as a part-time/additional job and allows me to keep the bulk of my time free. can't really complain. the other downside is that hour-for-hour, the money is less than as compared to private tuition. at the centre, i'm paid the same per-hour rate whether i'm teaching 1 student or 15 students or if i'm on a free period. so that kind of balances it out. but if i taught at the prevailing market rate and according to my learning lab schedule (7 students a class, 2 classes a day, 2 days a week on average), i'd be making about 3 times more than what they're paying me. still, that's under the assumption that i can get that many students on my own. so all in all, i think that it's a good thing that i'm with them. not only can i focus purely on teaching and not have to worry about issues with scheduling and payment, there are also more unique learning opportunities that private tuition doesn't offer, like getting to exchange ideas and teaching methods with other tutors. not to mention some eye candy, but that's really just an added perk. if there was one regret i have, it would be not starting earlier, maybe during may/june when i had stopped lab work and was focusing on writing my thesis. but well...it's over.

romantic relationships
i started the year single, and will end the year single unless someone expresses interest to date me within the next few hours. not getting my hopes up too much for that. this year, i think i learnt more about myself for this aspect as opposed to any other. there were a few guys that i was interested in (malaysian final fantasy guy, 野郎, other malaysian guy, and singaporean final fantasy guy), but i think you can guess that none of these interests worked out. that's not to say that it's been bad. i mean, it was bad at the times when things fell apart, but looking back on these interactions now, i choose to take away learning experiences rather than bitterness. if i could distill the essence of what i learnt from these 4 guys, it would be "don't undervalue yourself, and know when to quit". for 野郎 and the other malaysian guy, i really tried beyond my best to make things work out. i mean, going to malaysia in the middle of the night? even he called me crazy when he saw me. i should also learn to see myself in a more positive light, instead of just focusing on my appearance. of course, appearance is important to some degree, but i have to remind myself that i am worth more than just how i look. i shouldn't allow anyone to talk down to me just based on what they see (unless i'm acting like a moron). i suppose a good way to go about this would be to ask, "would i date myself?". in all honesty, i'm still on the fence for that question right now. but if i wouldn't want to date myself, how can i expect others to want to date me? that's something that i have to work on. at this point, i still have faith that things will fall into place. just hope that this positivity keeps up in the face of my declining "market value".

health/fitness
definitely ending the year in a better state than how i started it. that's largely due to me deciding to get fitter. made some changes to my diet, started hitting the gym, and there have been some results. it's not going to be easy, moving forward. time, finances, and physical ability are the three factors that have to be resolved. currently, i'm mainly limited by finances. i've spoken to the coaches, and they say that i can probably use my existing program at an external gym, provided that the equipment is there. i'm probably going to go to safra tampines to scout the location out. maybe i can even resume my swimming plans. at the same time, i should train within my limits. injuries suck, and getting my knee re-injured in june was a good reminder of that.

health-wise, i noticed that i was more prone to allergic reactions this year. is something in my biology changing? i've heard that people undergo major changes as they grow older. like developing intolerances for certain food, or having completely different tastes and preferences. i'll probably remind myself to monitor that. the main issue for health was due to several injuries that i suffered throughout the year. the knee injury as you read about earlier, and the various sprains and strains due to the car accident. thankfully, i've had several TCM sessions to fix those things, so i think that my body is working decently well right now. am probably still not in marathon-running condition, but it's good enough for daily life and moderately intense gym workouts. there's still a lot more room for improvement, though.

personal development
i don't think that i change very much from day to day. but like weight gain or loss, the small little things add up over time. i would like to think that i become wiser/mellower as time goes by, but you tell me what you think since my own opinion is bound to be biased. i would like to think that i generally am easy to get along with, as long as the other party is not stupid or unreasonable. note that there's a difference between stupidity and ignorance. my dad did mention something about how a higher level of education should correspond to a higher level of personal cultivation. i do agree, but not completely. i can't just smile and watch idly as people do idiotic things that affect me. not my style. if someone knowingly pushes my buttons, they're still going to catch hell.

i've had to learn to be more uh...personable thanks to my involvement with the kurash federation. when i go overseas to any event or competition, i'm representing both the federation and singapore. you see, kurash is popular in some countries where singaporeans don't often visit. to some, we were the first singaporeans that they ever interacted with. obvious questions to us, like "is there a singaporean language?" is genuinely new and interesting information to them. it's been an amazing year of opportunities with the federation, including getting my international referee license. i'm grateful that they're giving me opportunities above and beyond those that were taken away by the judo federation.

travel
thanks to kurash, this has also been the year in which i've travelled the most. i've taken 9 trips to 5 different countries, and the majority of those trips were for kurash events. the most notable of these trips would definitely be going to jakarta to referee for the asian games. travelling to places which have different cultures and customs from what you're used to is definitely eye-opening. of all the countries i've visited, i'd say i like taiwan the best in general, but australia because of the company. not that the other countries are bad, just perhaps a little too far out of my comfort zone. can look forward to changing that next year, though.

finances
wasn't the best year, financially speaking. my scholarship ran out in january, which means i had to live without pay from NUS for 11 months. knowing this in advance, i didn't make any lofty savings targets, and in fact made plans to stretch my existing money as far as possible. luckily, i'm normally not a big spender. as a result, my savings combined with income from tuition was enough to tide me through the year. despite this, i am grateful that i am still well above the poverty line, even being able to afford luxuries like maintaining my car, and plane tickets for some of the overseas trips that weren't subsidized or sponsored. for the past 2 months, i've been building my bank account back up thanks to higher income from the learning lab, so it looks like i'll have to resume setting my savings goal next year.

interpersonal relations
any year where i make more friends than enemies is considered a good year for interpersonal relationships. thanks to kurash, i've made many new friends of different nationalities. i hope that the number of enemies hasn't gone up from previous years, but i'm not too inclined to count specifically. among friends closer to home, our friendship is as good as, if not better than before. i'm also happy that N and i managed to mend bridges. as you may know, i'm the kind of person who only needs a handful of solid friends. the chemistry guys, scary JC friend, my mentor figures, that's enough to fill my social circle. of course, i do appreciate friends from other circles who put in the effort to reconnect, like the small JC class gathering and the larger one that everyone from our year was invited to. i do wonder how long these friendships will last, especially with more and more people getting married and having kids. well...we'll have to let nature take its course.

in family news, i was really happy to reconnect with chemical engineer cousin, and to meet my cousin-in-law (her husband) for the second time. well, maybe not reconnect. "reconnect" implies a similar level of prior connection, which i don't think we had. after all, i'd never spent so much time in such close proximity to her before. reconnection, bonding, whatever you call it, i'm really happy that i took them up on their offer to go visit. if time and money allow, i'd definitely go back again...maybe at a different time of the year just to change the experience up a little. several new babies were born this past year, including my cousin's daughter (who is the only one i've interacted with so far). i have mixed feelings. of course, i'm happy about it and want to be a part of her life, but i'm also reminded of my age, which can get depressing at times.

overview
2018 was a good year, all things considered. as with most years, there were highs and lows. i'd say that the magnitude and frequency of the highs definitely overshadowed the lows. here's a quick highlight/lowlight reel which should show most of the big events throughout the year. it's in the form of like, an awards ceremony, i guess, with categories and all. here goes:
biggest highlight of 2018 - completing grad studies
one day i would repeat - any day in perth, or the night/early morning of my first visit with malaysian guy (only because the physical intimacy was nice)
one day i would erase - the day of the accident, or the day i got injured
one day i will remember 5 years from now - probably also the accident
one person that i enjoyed meeting - jedi master
one person that i wish i'd never met - 野郎
one place i enjoyed visiting (local) - suntec guild house with the chemistry guys
one place i enjoyed visiting (overseas) - NTSU campus in taiwan, or various places in perth (scitech, st mary's cathedral)
one thing i'm grateful for - making it through the year and ending the year positively
one regret - going to malaysia the second time, or my entire interaction with 野郎
best food/meal - edosei (perth)
worst food/meal - fermented tofu (taiwan)
best book - the alchemist
worst book - some trashy vampire chick-lit novel
best movie - avengers: infinity war
best way time was spent - walking around the city in perth
worst way time was spent - waiting to rush in uzbekistan
best flight - korean air, business class from seoul to singapore
worst flight - uzbekistan airways, economy class from tashkent to singapore (only because of the drunk uzbeks)

that's a wrap for my year; i hope you all had a good one too. as is the tradition here, the next post will be tomorrow, where i'll talk about my hopes for 2019. see you all then!

-random thought of the day: So much has happened!-

Met with my mentor earlier today to discuss the feedback. thankfully, no lines were crossed in my interactions with the students. instead, the feedback was about my delivery of the material - the student didn't get the learning points of the class. while it's not the most serious of feedback in terms of magnitude, i still do take it seriously. i'm happy that my mentor approached this with a collaborative mindset, heard my side of the story, and didn't assign blame to anyone. i really have to be more like her when it comes to less-than-pleasant confrontations. and here i thought i'd only be learning teaching skills!

yesterday, i had my first class outside of united square. had to go to century square, which is right next to tampines mall. and guess what? both malls have learning lab branches! guess the demand for tuition is higher than i'd thought. the class i covered yesterday was hands down the best class i've had so far in my 2-ish months with the company. the kids were receptive and engaged, content was something i had confidence in teaching, and it was easy to make the class fun. i realize the teacher's own comfort with the subject material really does affect the standard of teaching. there are 2 ways this information could be followed up on. first, i could request to only teach subjects that i'm comfortable with (ie. no biology). or, i could get comfortable with those subjects. at this point in time, i'm not particularly inclined to option 2, but we'll see if that changes in the future.

i'd also like to introduce you to a word today. i've known the meaning for a while, but never really found a context to use it while blogging. the word is "schadenfreude", pronounced "sha-dehn-froi-duh". it means taking delight in another's misfortune. the closest equivalent in chinese is 幸灾乐祸. i trust you can see why i don't really have use for it while blogging, but something finally happened recently that my feeling towards can't be described by any other word, except maybe "karma". it involves june scumbag, who i shall assign the new codename of 野郎. it's more appropriate, and closer to his actual name, anyway. so what happened is that he got tricked into sending uhh...compromising photos to someone who he apparently wanted to be in a relationship with. disclaimer: this is just what my cursory batman work turned up. i have not looked, and do not intend to look further into this. as with all people i date, i did genuinely want something positive to work out between us. but alas, it wasn't meant to be. actually, no. not alas. more like HENG AH! i went through some matrix-level of bullet-dodging there! can practically imagine myself as neo. best part was that at that time, i didn't realize how big of a bullet i'd dodged. with the benefit of hindsight, i think it was closer to an artillery shell than a plain old bullet. the perfunctory batman work also turned up further inconsistencies in the story that he told me. for instance, i don't think that he's a regular in the SAF. or if he is, he's probably in a non-uniformed role as opposed to the officer that he told me he was. that means the story about having work emergencies were likely to be all lies, and explained his reluctance for me to send him right to the gate of his camp. what annoys me is that there are people out there who are offering him sympathy. if only they knew what he did to deserve this retribution. but that's not my concern.

what he did while we were seeing each other was, in my opinion, wrong. different people have different views on relationships and sex, and that's fine. as long as the couple are in agreement and are both consenting, there's basically no problem to speak of. but when the couple's views are not in alignment (eg. monogamy vs open relationship), that's where problems start. i talked to jedi master about this before, and he said that we shouldn't force others to conform to our own views. for instance, if 野郎 wanted to sleep around while i wanted to remain monogamous, why not have me be monogamous, while letting 野郎 be promiscuous? as long as i had my time with him, it should be ok. while i somewhat see the logic in that argument, i can't really accept it. apart from the emotional insecurity of having a new date sleeping around with others, there's a higher chance of STD acquisition and transmission as opposed to if a couple was monogamous and both free from disease. i just wonder, what would it take for me to agree to that? apart from desperation, of course. there's no attribute that i can think of that would make me swallow my dissatisfaction if such a scenario occurred again with someone else. perhaps that's what they call a hard limit, or a deal breaker. good to know.

on the topic of relationships, i haven't been having much luck. then again, even i'd be impressed with myself if i could find a potential date with my gym-home-gym-home routine. there are some people (well, one guy) at work who i find attractive, but i know better than to try dating in the workplace. although in this case, we're teaching completely different levels and subjects, so...STILL NO. i'm just thinking that if it was a girl that i was interested in, dropping her a note to ask her out for coffee would be so much easier than doing the same for a guy. at least the damage wouldn't be as bad if the offer was rejected and word got out afterwards that the offer was made in the first place. guess i should be looking in more appropriate places, like bars? maybe at certain events? or try getting on the dating apps? maybe when i become super desperate.

that's it for now. hope i haven't written too much here such that tomorrow's post ends up lacking in content. it shouldn't. i might take a page out of chemical engineer cousin's book and rate the different aspects of my year, or not. i will probably recap the major happenings, have a few highlights and lowlights, and round it off. to quote one of the final fantasy game developers, please look forward to it.

-random thought of the day: Some people just aren't worth feeling bad for.-

Despite not eating as healthily as i could have over this past month (mainly due to increased snacking), i'm proud to announce that my weight loss trend continued! since my last measurement about 6 weeks ago, i've dropped a further 1.4kg, 2cm off the waistline, and 0.6% body fat. so it wasn't me imagining things when i thought that my jeans felt looser! i started this package in early/mid-october, and it's late december now. that means that over these past 14 weeks or so, i've lost 4.5kg total, about 5-6cm off the waist, and close to 4% body fat. it's definitely an achievement, but there's still so far to go. if this trend continues, i should be in my currently desired shape in another...year and a half? i say "currently desired" because expectations change over time. though i think it's unlikely, i may just decide to want to look like an award-winning bodybuilder sometime down the line. doubt it though. of course, i've been warned that progress might slow down in the future. that's actually observable already, as there's been a decrease in the rate of decrease of my weight loss and body fat percentage. and this is already under quite optimal conditions of being relatively stress-free, and having plenty of time to recover from workouts. i'm anticipating how starting a job will affect gym plans, but i figure that i'd have to actually land a job first before that really factors in.

had 2 weird dreams...or rather, one weird dream and one bad dream. the weird dream was about final fantasy guy. we were visiting this museum in japan, and they offered a "naked tour", as in a tour where visitors had to strip down in order to participate. i doubt that such a thing really exists, but i also wouldn't be surprised if some establishment in japan does offer it. for some reason, final fantasy guy was blind, so i had to hold his hand and lead him on the tour. yes, it makes no sense to take a blind person on a museum tour, but dreams are weird by nature, right? while on the tour, he told me, "i feel a spark between us" twice. i think that was my subconscious projecting, but yes. maybe i'm not entirely ready to give up on him yet. that's why i said that i'd try once more in the new year, i guess.

the bad dream was...bad. i was driving in the rain, and my car shut down when i tried to turn the wipers on. as a result, i had to make an emergency stop under the flyover of the PIE eng neo exit. you may know that since the accident, water leaks into the car during rainy weather as the seal between the driver's side door and the car body isn't as tight as it should be. that carried over into the dream, and water also leaked (well, poured) in because the windshield came loose. is that even possible!? anyway, i somehow got the car started again and ended up in a workshop/parking lot. while i was there, i found out that someone had taken my car to a disreputable mechanic for servicing while i was away. there was a lot of shouting, the content of which reflected actual shouting that took place this past wednesday, albeit in a different context. i really think that i should move out. while i wouldn't go as far as to call the environment here toxic, it is certainly not optimal. it's funny how for a supposed family unit, there can be such vast differences in thought and behaviour. i'm thankful that i've been exposed to enough different people and situations to recognize what is not good. well...the plan is to get my own HDB flat at 35, or to get a condo earlier if i'm a super high-flier making tons of money. when that happens, you can bet that i'm GTFO-ing out of here. so, let's work hard for at least the next 5 years.

step 1 to make tons of money is, obviously, to get a job. i've been looking at the listings on glassdoor, and it seems that more positions have opened up since i last checked it a couple of months ago. i've kind of got my eye on a particular company, but the jobs that they offer all require some form of work experience. i guess i'll speak to the recruitment people next week to see if they have an opening in the company that they can fit me into. in the worst case, i suppose that i can try to approach the company directly too. i don't want to hope for too much, but it would be nice if i could secure a job by january. another alternative would be the annual NUS career fair, which typically takes place in february. with the supplemental income from the learning lab, i think that i should be making above average for someone who's just entering the workforce. but of course, money isn't everything. a company which one of my friends is working for also posted a listing, and knowing someone on the inside, i went to ask my friend for his opinion. he said that the work-life balance was great, but there wasn't much room in terms of career advancement. would i go for something like that? possibly. i mean, getting out of the office at 4:45pm sounds amazing. but there are more things to consider than just knock-off time.

i think that's about it for now? meeting with my mentor aside, i'm not scheduled for anything at work this weekend. nice change of pace, i guess. still no closer to answering the two questions about the parent feedback, namely which class it was for and what the actual feedback was. thing is, i don't even have any guesses or suspicions. well, nothing to do but to wait and see. i don't think it's bad enough to get me fired, so that's a measure of comfort. going to meet a couple of people from final fantasy for supper on saturday night, before one of them flies to australia for study. may be meeting my big brother figure for dinner sometime next week, so that's something to look forward to. as for the posting forecast, i'm expecting to post on sunday just to get the feedback off my chest, and that will be followed by my usual consecutive year's end and new year posts. slight spoiler alert: it was a good year overall.

-random thought of the day: Need food.-

Hard to believe that we're in the final days of 2018. december went by in a flash, so much so that i don't really remember much about it other than the thailand trip. which reminds me, i should upload the photos of the trip from my phone, and back up the data there too. keep forgetting, for some reason.

i had wanted to do a chronological recap of events over the past few days, but a text conversation that i just had with my mentor from the learning lab is weighing on my mind. apparently, there's been parent feedback from one of the classes that i covered. i don't know which class it was, or what the feedback is, for that matter. what i do know is that it's not the positive kind, like a commendation. did a quick mental run-through of my recent classes, and i don't think that i did anything out of the ordinary or against the rules. i wasn't late, nor did i miss any classes. definitely didn't use profanity in class, raise my voice at the students, or do/say anything inappropriate (in my view, at least). could it be the way i taught the content, then? or maybe i taught something wrongly without realizing it. logically, i know that there's nothing i can do about it now since it's already happened, but i also know that the desire to find out what exactly the feedback was will gnaw at me from now till the meeting. best case scenario: unreasonable parent blowing a small thing out of proportion. worst case scenario...i don't know. traumatized student? whatever it is, i should remind myself to go into the meeting with an open mind and assess everything objectively first, and not let emotions or ego take over.

now that that's out of the way, i've got 5 days to catch you up on. as mentioned on thursday, i met my JC schoolmate for lunch. decided to go to northpoint (now northpoint city), which is near his place. it changed so much since my last visit there years ago! we ate at sushi tei, the quality of which was as good as i remembered. over about 2 hours, we caught each other up on the last 12 years of our lives. he's apparently been doing interesting things, like doing computer tech research, working for a startup, and now being based in india while working for an MNC. conversation was easy and relaxed; i definitely enjoyed myself. i always have some level of trepidation about meeting friends after a long time, especially if we haven't been in contact throughout the entire period. after such a long time interval, i don't know if/how their actual self will match up to my memory of them. as you can guess, this instance went well. he's due to fly back to india sometime this week, so we may or may not be meeting again for his remaining stay in singapore. we've agreed to have a meal the next time he's back (probably sometime next year or latest in 2020), so that's something to look forward to.

after work on saturday, i went for mahjong at scary JC friend's place. the session was full of laughs, and i generally enjoyed myself. it was one of the rare occasions that i didn't lose money at her house! didn't win (much) either though...was up $3 after 2 rounds, the entire sum of which i donated back into the central pool. it's nice to play mahjong with friends who don't really care about the money, but yet play reasonably small stakes. end result is that nobody really loses that much. i'm happy that i managed to hold my own this time. made a few big hands too, which was quite satisfying. after mahjong, we went for supper at upper bukit timah. this was at 1:30am, and i had work the next day. thankfully i didn't oversleep or anything. it was a good bonding session overall. scary JC friend is one of my closest female friends, if not the closest. interestingly enough, i get along pretty well with her sister too! like, i'm comfortable enough to tell them about the NSFW thailand experience. they found it hilarious, whereas more uh, sensitive people might have been offended or disgusted. all in all, an excellent way to spend saturday night.

had another dinner appointment on sunday night, this time at tampines mall with my newly-married secondary school friend. he brought his wife, and we went to menya musashi niten for dinner, then swensens for dessert. yes, not the most healthy of options, but well...one transgression (two, counting supper the previous night) will probably be ok in the long run. besides, the sticky chewy chocolate sundae is good for my soul, and it was the first one i've had this year (and maybe last year, too). my relationship with this friend is quite unique. he identifies as a conservative christian, which would imply an anti-LGBT stance. but somehow, he's been generally nice about it to me (yes, he knows). we do disagree about some things (like he thinks trump is good for religious freedom, while i think trump is a moron through and through), but it doesn't really affect our friendship. we usually reach a reasonable middle ground in our differing views, and we're still amicable when discussing hot-button topics such as politics and religion. ultimately, i think we see the goodness/value within each other, and that's why we're friends. it was only the second or third time i've met his wife, and for what my opinion is worth, i do like her quite a lot. she's friendly and easy to talk to, and they seem good for each other as a couple.

that brings us to yesterday, which was christmas proper. it was a really packed day! i had lunch with my aunt and uncle, and met a "god-aunt" of sorts. you see, my maternal grandmother used to babysit, and one of the girls that she took care of kept in touch with the family. this god-aunt is based overseas, and i do remember seeing her before, a long time ago. probably when i was in primary school? she says she recalls seeing me as a teenager, but i don't really remember when that might have been. at the risk of sounding depressing, it might have been at a funeral. anyway. this meeting was on a way more joyous note. we had lunch at long beach, and shared some interesting conversation. one part that stood out the most to me was when she said, "you know, i can analyze designs and business proposals so well, but i couldn't analyze people" (somewhat paraphrased). for context and without disclosing too much, she was in a pretty not-good marriage and is now in the process of leaving it. i guess i should be mindful of this myself.

i'm tempted to say that i had a christmas date with one of my chemistry seniors. i mean, we technically went out for coffee...but no, he doesn't swing this way. let's move on before i get myself in more trouble. the real reason for meeting him at parkway parade was to pass him some duty-free alcohol. we went to sit down at starbucks, and i had my traditional christmas drink. well, it's not really tradition since i didn't have it on consecutive years. the barista didn't get what i wanted, unfortunately. my christmas drink order is the seasonal peppermint mocha frappuccino, but change the regular chocolate to dark chocolate. the most common mistake is that the barista will enter it as a dark mocha frappuccino with peppermint syrup. while they are essentially the same thing in terms of composition, the difference is that the latter will not have the candy cane bits and chocolate syrup drizzle for the topping. come to think of it now though, maybe it's better. less intake of sugar. we had a nice conversation too, just general catching up and stuff. he did give me some job-hunting advice, for which i'm grateful. we then took a short walk to katong i12, where he bought wine for an upcoming party, after which he went home, and went to my last stop for the day.

last stop was my aunt's place, where i played with their dog a little and had a chat with my cousin. the dog had apparently been sick for the past 2 months. some liver and pancreas problems, i think. he looked thinner and was noticeably less energetic. still wanted attention, though. my cousin seems to be managing ok with the whole fatherhood thing. apparently, my niece said her first word recently, and she's only 5+ months old! i don't know if that's the typical age for babies to begin vocalizing or talking, but it seems that she's advanced for her age. also got some financial and career advice from my cousin. his background is in tax, auditing, and recruitment, so i'd say he does know what he's talking about. he told me to keep my weekend learning lab thing in the near future even after securing a day job, because that would enable me to command a higher salary further down the line. that was already my plan, so at least i'm on the right track. another thing he told me was to learn stuff that is outside of my typical job scope, yet is relevant to my industry as a whole. i suppose that makes a person more versatile in the workplace.

part of our conversation was also about parenting. as a kid, i'd kind of envied these cousins for staying in a big house, having more/better toys (then, game consoles), and other material stuff like that. it was only natural, since that was the side i saw when i stayed with them for the holidays. but as we were talking, my cousin told me that he'd been kind of looked down upon, because his brother was the so-called smart one. we belong to a minority of the male cousins who have never studied in a raffles-linked school. but anyway, i guess that their life isn't as perfect as i'd thought. i can understand, though. my aunt was quite zealous about making sure we all got good grades. in primary 6, i remember getting a ton of assessment papers from her as well. but looking back now...i'm sure she meant well. plus, it did help me get into cat high, so i can't really complain.

somewhat linked to the above, i do think that some people become parents before they're ready for parenthood. "ready" can cover a number of aspects, like financial, mental, even emotional. of course, there's the other argument that says people can never be 100% prepared for parenthood, and it's a process in which you learn as you go along. i agree. but there's a difference between being somewhat prepared and learning on the job, vs being grossly underprepared and causing damage (not necessarily physical) to your kids. there are things i can say about my own experience growing up that have shaped my decision to never have kids, but that can wait for a day when i'm sufficiently drunk and/or angry. came kind of close today, but it didn't go past the tipping point. it's reminded me that i am resolved to moving out, and that i should work towards that goal by saving money, which i have to earn from a job, which i have to apply for and get. got a lead for a life science recruiting firm from my cousin, i've checked their website out. not sure how a chemist will fit into their recruitment plans or job vacancies that they may be trying to fill, but i plan to call them for a chat, at least.

5 more days until my year-end post. i've thought of the theme already, as well as some things which i want to cover. from now till then, it doesn't seem like there's many/any things on the radar. just work this weekend (with that meeting with my mentor), and my last gym session of this package tomorrow. other than that...can't really think of anything else. i guess we'll see if anything comes up on the horizon.

-random thought of the day: I tolerate idiots poorly.-

Experiencing a flare-up of allergies since coming back from thailand. it's caused me to scratch a fair bit, and has resulted in several superficial wounds around my inner elbows and on the back of my knees. my guess is that it's due to the increased dust levels in singapore. perhaps sublingual immunotherapy might be an avenue worth pursuing, if it really can help me to develop resistance against dust mites. when i have more money, though.

nothing really significant happened over the past 4 days. went to the gym on tuesday, and died as usual. it's difficult to sustain the motivation, i realize. especially after taking a break. maybe that's why people go to the gym with friends, or they make friends in the gym. for me, i can recognize a few of the other gymmers by face, but not really by name. i'm pretty ambivalent about it. if i make friends there, it's a bonus. my main goal is to work out and get fit.

reciprocation is important for a friendship or relationship. that's my opinion, at least. it gets tiring to be the one constantly initiating meetings. actually, no. let me rephrase. i'm fine with being the one to ask people out, if the other person puts in equal effort to reach a mutually agreeable time/date/place. what annoys me is constantly having to be the one to push for something solid...which is why i think final fantasy guy and i aren't going to work out. it's quite presumptuous to talk about "working out", considering that we haven't even started dating, but that's the feeling i get now. reason being that i've asked him out for dinner at least 3 times in the past month and a bit, with zero success. initially, he did say that he had exams, so fine. studies come first. i did ask him to get back to me when he was free, but he never did even after his exams ended. guess he's got too many friends/groups of friends to entertain, such that he doesn't give emphasis to some guy from an online game. clearly, we hold this interaction at different levels of importance. so...yes. if there's anything that i've learnt this year, it's not to chase after people who don't seem to be interested in you (me). no point being pushy; that's quite a turn-off to most people.

so...i guess it's back to the single life. technically i never left the single life, but you know what i mean. sometimes, i can't help but wonder if finding a partner is that difficult. i mean, i know people who have been in the dating game since secondary school. some of those people are married and have kids, while others are still single or dating around. i also know people who only started dating in their twenties (late twenties, for some), and again, some have settled down while others have not. despite the intuitive conclusion that starting to date earlier = finding a partner sooner, it seems that there are exceptions to that. i guess we'll have to see what fate has in store for me. i'm taking hope/comfort that jedi master found his partner at the ripe old age of 29/30, and they're still going strong after almost 20 years. the strength and lasting nature of his relationship are things that i aspire towards, although i don't think his views towards relationships are in 100% agreement with mine. well, differences are what make us unique, right?

time to wrap up; i've got a lunch appointment with a friend soon. he was a schoolmate from JC, and was friends with some of the judo people. i remember us studying together as a group close to A-levels. the words that first come to mind when i think of him are "witty" and "funny". also, he appeared sincere about wanting to reconnect, and took effort to coordinate the meet-up. that's more than i can say about final fantasy guy at this point. well...i'll probably give it one last try over the new year, and if that doesn't work, then there's not much else i can do. you know, lead a horse to water and stuff.

-random thought of the day: 11 more days till 2019!-

This ten-day hiatus is probably the longest i've gone without blogging in the last 3 (5?) months. not sure whether it was because there wasn't much activity (hence not much to say), or because i was just lazy, or got tired of blogging so often. regardless, i'm blogging now! let's see...the most recent post before this was on 06 december, or last thursday. what did i do on that friday? went to return a library book, and walk around compass one, i think. in the process, i went to the cold storage there to look for these mini sausage bites which i quite like. the cold storage at united square stocks them, so i thought the one at compass one would as well. apparently not. since i was already there, i did some price comparisons for items that i usually get. cold storage has such a ridiculous markup on items as compared to NTUC or giant! my exact thought at that time was, 'that's criminal!'. in fairness though, cold storage does bring in somewhat higher quality items...or at least that's the perception that they're trying to give off. i don't know how true it is, but from what i can see, they do have items that both NTUC and giant don't. so that's a point in its favour.

had the usual work over the weekend. i think that week was the first time i took a class solo. it went well enough, though there are always areas for improvement. i'm kind of getting the hang of teaching, though there are areas in which i have to remind myself to be careful. will talk more about that when i go over yesterday's teaching experience.

gym on monday was productive. deadlifted 100kg! that's the first time i've broken 3 digits. upped the weight for my cardio component, which is medicine ball slam. i realize that the hardest part about that exercise with a heavier weight is actually raising the ball as high as possible, not the actual slamming the ball onto/into the ground. makes sense, i suppose...doing work against gravity and all. my current package is coming to an end; think i've got another 4 or 5 sessions left. hoping that i'll continue to lose weight at the next measurement, but i don't know how likely that will be. well, we'll know once it happens. also on monday, i went to holland v to meet one of my judo friends for drinks. he wanted to celebrate my passing the defense, which was a really nice gesture. interestingly, it was the first time we've hung out together. he's older than me, and was already a senior back when i was in JC. so we didn't really have much contact there, except when we were sparring (or rather, when he was making me tap out). he's now teaching at NUS, though not in science. overall, it was nice! i got reminded about exactly how much of a lightweight i was. 2.5 ciders is comfortable. any more than that and i think we'd have another drunk episode to talk about. one of the chemistry guys stayed late in school for this conference that my professor is organizing, so he gave me (and scary JC friend, who i invited for drinks too) a lift home. it's nice to have friends around.

since i was flying on tuesday, i didn't go to the gym. instead, i went for TCM to get my back and ankle checked. there were more needles and pain, but overall i think it helped. was mildly annoyed that i forgot to tell them about my jaw. like, i can open my mouth fully, but the jaw almost gets stuck when i try to close it again. it's been this way for a number of years now...just hoping that it won't take too many sessions to rectify. TCM was followed by semi-frantic packing for thailand. i realize that i'm getting better at the last-minute packing game. didn't forget anything important, which was nice. even better, scary JC friend offered to send me to the airport. the check-in and flight was pretty uneventful/routine. we flew airasia, and it took about 2.5 to 3 hours. thailand is an hour behind singapore, so we gained time flying there, but lost time flying back. have i mentioned why we went to thailand yet? in case i haven't, it was to participate in their kurash training camp. or more accurately, i was there to accompany an athlete, who was participating in their training camp. the camp was held in a school in the neighbouring province of pathum thani (city of lotus flowers). facilities were extremely reminiscent of an army camp, but better. for instance, there was air-con in the rooms, but no hot water. thankfully the water pressure was good. it was my first involuntary cold shower since army days, 10 years ago. still don't really care for cold showers.

training itself was split into 3 sessions per day - PT in the early morning, a technical session before lunch, and another one in the afternoon. compared to training camps i've attended in JC, i'd say this one was far more relaxed. it's good, since our goal was to exchange knowledge and make friends. food was provided, too. i think they got the school canteen staff to cook for us. authentic thai food tastes so much better than what you'd get at, say, thai express. maybe it's the spices, or the cooking technique. our hosts were amazing too. like, they brought us for sightseeing at ayutthaya, which is 70-ish km away from bangkok! i realize that people who live in bigger countries generally don't think much of travelling that kind of distance, which usually equates to driving for hours. like on thursday, our host had a meeting in pattaya, which is 150km away from bangkok. he drove there and back in the same day! it's so hard to imagine. as a passenger, i found myself falling asleep in the car on several of these drives. wonder if i have the endurance to stay awake if i actually had to drive that distance.

in ayutthaya, we went to see the tourist centre, which was very informative. did you know that ayutthaya used to be the capital of thailand, centuries ago? our host told us that thailand's history can be broadly divided into 4 periods or eras: the sukhothai period, ayutthaya period, thonburi period, and rakanattosin (bangkok) period. back when ayutthaya was the capital, people of different races and nationalities already lived together in harmony. there were settlements of japanese, french, portugese, and english people, at the very least. interestingly, while most other countries in asia fell victim to colonization by western powers, thailand was never colonized. perhaps it was due to their geographical advantage (4 rivers forming a moat around the city) or their military power. i mean, i'm not messing with someone who has war elephants. speaking of elephants, our hosts insisted that we went for an elephant ride. it was a new experience for sure, but not something that i'd want to repeat. it felt kind of unstable, and while i do trust the elephant handler's skill, i couldn't help thinking that a fall from there would invariably end up in something being broken.

based on what i've seen so far, thailand has two faces. the first is of a happy, gracious society where people will do their best to help you despite the language barrier or any inconvenience to themselves. that was clearest with our hosts, who were extremely accommodating of our needs and plans, as well as with the other athletes, who tried to make us feel at home. the other face of thailand is less pleasant, and more mercenary. during the elephant ride, our hosts took photos for us. the elephant handler charged them for doing that. also, at the end of the ride, the handler practically demanded a tip. i guess that's how they make more money off tourists, but i just don't like it. i guess that if i visit thailand again, i'll stay away from all the tourist attractions, and just find stuff that i'd like to see.

while in bangkok, i also met up with a friend, codenamed "jedi master". we had a really enjoyable conversation over dinner and a drink. i find it hard to believe that he (or anyone) thinks i'm handsome! the TCM therapists told me that too, but i thought that they were just doing the customer service thing. guess the disbelief comes from low self-esteem and self-regard growing up. i must say, it's a confidence booster to hear that now, though i wish that more people/potential partners around my age thought that too. upon learning that it was my first time in bangkok, he brought me to a rather NSFW place. although, if you work there, then it's probably SFW? anyway. it was eye-opening, to say the least. got a bit more than i bargained for, too. let's just say that i'm grateful that the performers weren't my type, lest i would be tempted to do something stupid. i also realized that thai guys in general aren't my type. of course that doesn't affect my ability to make friends with them, as i am friends with our hosts and some of the athletes. but for a partner...i'm not so sure. of course, never say never. maybe there'll be a thai guy whose personality is irresistible to me.

didn't really do much on the last day, just pack and get ready to fly. on the plane, i finally finished the alchemist. it was very well-written, perhaps because it's about someone chasing his dream. that's something which i think most people can identify with. the takeaways i got from it are: find your personal legend, don't be afraid of change, pay attention to omens, it's ok to deviate as long as you go back to your original course, and the iconic line - when you want something badly enough, all the universe conspires to help you achieve it. not sure if, like the protagonist, following my personal legend will take me to different continents? i suppose i should start by identifying my personal legend first. will give that some thought over the next few days.

-random thought of the day: More to come!-

Sorry for not updating immediately, it turns out that there were still a couple of hoops that i had to jump through before everything was considered settled. but anyway, if you know me personally, you'd also have known on the day itself that i'd passed the defense. i'm grateful that my mentor figure from the old boys' group actually came down to support me! as mentioned before, i'm normally quite apprehensive about different social circles colliding, but it went ok this time. as for the defense itself, i probably wouldn't change anything about the presentation. i would, however, change tons of things about the Q&A. i have to admit that while i handled basic questions decently enough, i floundered at less-familiar things like enzyme kinetics. although it's not my immediate area of research, i did include it in my thesis and therefore should know a little more about it. well...at least i did decently enough to make it through. there was the usual post-defense party/reception thing, and my juniors got sushi! so nice of them.

over the past 3 days since the defense (including today), i've jumped through most of the remaining hoops, which included more paperwork for the department and registrar's office, printing a super nice copy of the thesis for my professor, and settling my lab notebooks. so now all that's left to do is to wait for instructions to upload the thesis online, and wait for degree conferment following that. timeline for those events are a week and a month or two respectively.

two things about the whole experience stood out to me. first, it seemed that no matter how well i prepared, and how much i checked the documents, typo errors would surface left and right. worst was that i didn't notice one error in particular until the nice version of the thesis was printed. you know what was even worse than worst? that typo was on the cover page. when i spotted it, i thought the print shop had messed up, because no way i could have made such an obvious typo, and on the cover page, no less! turns out that i could, and i did. luckily, the print shop was nice and accommodating (even after i jumped to the conclusion that it was their fault). they charged me $5 extra to fix it, which i duly paid. it was my mistake, and i have to rectify it. i don't know how they fixed the cover, considering that it was gold letting on black leather-like material. they also replaced the inner title page, which contained the same typo. what impressed me the most was the staff seemed to have an intuitive grasp of "underpromise and overdeliver". they told me that it would take up to an hour, and that the repair job would not be perfect. well, it took half an hour, and it was perfect. i was really impressed and grateful at the same time. now more so than previously, i'm convinced that the problem lies with the person who gave them negative reviews.

next, i think this is somewhat like getting older. you can't really put a definite time on when you're considered degree-ready. i mean, although my birthday falls on the same day every year, i don't feel too different from the day before to the day itself, when i supposedly turn a year older. just like i don't feel that different before and after the defense. or maybe from another perspective, you can actually define the transition to become degree-ready. in this aspect, perhaps it's a bit like grading for martial arts. you have the knowledge, but you've got to put it to the test through technique demonstrations and sparring before you're "worthy" of the next higher grade. in that sense, i suppose intellectual sparring counts. although the aim is not to defeat the examiners, but to show them that you can hold your own decently.

paid a visit to some of the lab staff while i was in school today to hand in the paperwork. apparently, there's some reshuffling, and some people will be moved to centralized offices. i personally don't see the need for it, but maybe there's things behind the scenes that i'm not privy to. all i know is that it's causing some discontent. it's also a hint to me that perhaps seeking employment with NUS may not be such a good idea for the near future. apart from the lab staff, i also went to visit a professor in the medicine faculty. i don't have any professional ties to him. in fact, we know each other from outside NUS! anyway, i was grateful that he took out almost an hour of his time to talk to me and give me advice about job hunting and career progression. the essence of what he said was that having this degree may not be 100% beneficial, and that i should be prepared to work hard and start from scratch if needed. solid advice, i think. suppose i should find a job that will actually see my degree as a plus point, instead of considering it a financial liability.

what's in store for the near future? gym tomorrow, plus i have to go to the library to ask about book renewal. it turns out one of the books didn't renew as expected when i renewed them all, and i've got a hefty overdue fine. hoping to get that waived, but let's see. will probably need another grocery run, unless i buy some meats from cold storage. shouldn't buy too much, seeing as i'll be overseas from next tuesday to friday for kurash. have to finish up the 2/5 head of cabbage, plus the remaining couple of onions before then. a couple days' vegetable stew should see to that. work on saturday and sunday, then going to the bioinorganic conference at NUS on monday. my professor is part of the organizing committee, so i'm going down to support my lab. also on monday, my judo friend wants to celebrate my impending graduation with drinks at holland village. so i figure conference, then drinks. can't get totally wasted; got TCM the next day, plus i'm flying. will start throwing out resumes too. hope my glassdoor access is still valid.

-random thought of the day: Allergies are getting worse.-

Current resting heart rate: 79bpm, which is higher than it should be. Slightly less than an hour to go. I'm in my lab, and nobody's here to talk to for distraction purposes. Here's the plan: stay in lab for another 5 to 10 minutes, have a quick toilet break, go to the car to get my water bottle and laptop, check in at the department office, see if the venue is available, and if it is, go set up. Had a brief text chat with chemical engineer cousin earlier on; she recommended power posing to keep my anxiety at bay. Will budget a couple of minutes for that too. It'll all be over soon. I've spent 5 years and 4 months to get to this moment, what's another 3 to 4 hours? It'll be fine.

Less than 12 hours to showtime, and a little more than that till it's over. today was spent rather productively, went to work and rehearsed a little since i had no classes. i found out that i'm due to cover another teacher next saturday, and it's a first-period class, too. with my early defense and all, are people trying to turn me into a morning person!? good thing is that it's a physics topic, so i'm not as in the weeds as i would be if it were bio. prepared some slides for the tutorial, and i have a good idea of how i want to teach the class. i think i've observed this class before, and my memory says that it's one of the less lively ones. will have to find a way to engage the kids, but i'll worry more about that as the class draws closer.

i discovered that my phone is a great tool to have for rehearsals, probably only losing out to actually having a projector and screen. i'd previously rehearsed while holding my laptop, which is tiring, to say the least...especially when my laptop weights about 1.4 kg (more if you include the accumulated dust and stuff inside). by sending the presentation to my phone, i had something more portable, albeit smaller. still, it was good enough for my needs. that's something i can do for future presentations, too.

to give myself best odds against murphy's law, let's list down stuff i still have to do, in more or less chronological order:
touch up slides
send slides to my professor as backup
upload slides to dropbox
copy slides to two different thumb drives
iron clothes
sleep before 12:30am
be out of bed no later than 5:45am
leave house around 6:15am to 6:20am
bring thumb drives, as well as laptop as contingency
DRIVE SAFELY AND CAREFULLY TO SCHOOL
reach school around 7:00am to secure good parking lot
meet chemistry guy(s) for breakfast
go through slides again
go to the venue early (9:00am if possible) to set up and test the slides
present and do my best to answer questions

seems doable, and i don't think that i forgot anything. my current status is more or less normal, most indicators are at baseline levels except that my heart rate is slightly elevated due to increased anxiety. i'd say it's at about 35% now. should get better after i edit my slides again. i'm just hoping that it doesn't make me unable to sleep; messing up due to not being well-rested is one of the worst things that could happen. on the health and physical condition front, there's no discomfort anywhere, nor have any HFMD symptoms presented themselves. i think i'll be good to go.

-random thought of the day: Do what I can, and let everything else fall into place.-

Was pleasantly surprised by a whatsapp message from one of my juniors today. she'd seen the email notification about my defense, and wrote to wish me luck. it was a nice surprise, considering that we don't really keep regular contact with each other. last i heard, she was mentally in a pretty not-good place, but i hope that she feels better now after her submission and during her waiting period. she just got her comments back yesterday, which means that she's also approaching the finish line! should really ask her out for a meal or something; would be nice to catch up.

preparation for defense is coming along nicely. finished version 2 of the slides on friday, and had a dry run with my big brother figure. no, he's not chemically trained, but he was interested to listen, so why not? the feedback he gave for my introduction was that it was understandable to a layman, which i think is great. naturally, he got lost once i started elaborating on my work. good thing was that he said that as a casual listener, he'd buy my story due to my confidence while presenting. funny thing is, i don't think that i'm all that confident! perhaps it's different expectations. i'm grateful that he mainly had positive things to say, including the sentence, "now that i've heard you present, i don't feel worried for you any more". it's a morale booster, for sure.

right now, the plan is to go through my slides again and again until i'm absolutely certain of how all the transitions and effects work. they're there to boost my presentation, so i should get familiar with them. apart from my video game analogy and my standard linker schematic, i've included one more fancy animation about prodrugs. my professor isn't a fan of such flashy animations, but i figure an average of 1 per about 18 slides won't be too much for him. the annoying thing is that i'm still catching mistakes, and thinking of ways to optimize the slides even further. i don't suppose that this process will end until after the whole defense is over, so i'll just have to accept it. should take a look at my chemical structures in more detail. i personally felt quite embarrassed that i didn't spot a structural mistake which was highlighted by one of the examiners.

if you've been a reader for while, you'll know that i'm a big subscriber to murphy's law. "anything that can go wrong will go wrong at the worst possible time". i mostly feel it around big occasions, of which this defense is most certainly one. the biggest concern in my view is that my dad was recently diagnosed with hand, foot and mouth disease (HFMD for short). it's a contagious viral illness, which is spread through bodily fluids like saliva or mucus. i've had one experience with it back in primary school, and that's not something i want to repeat. my memories of that time include throwing up multiple times (once involving regurgitating an odd-tasting omelette), stomach cramps, and general suffering. the thing that worries me (apart from my dad's health, of course) is coming down with it before the defense date. did i mention that it's highly contagious? while i would prefer to not succumb to it at all, i hope that if i really do fall ill, it will be after the defense is cleared. i'm feeling ok so far; the only discomfort i feel is from my allergies, which is normal...though it shouldn't be. i did some wiki-ing on HFMD, and found out that the virus has a 3 to 6-day incubation period. my dad started showing symptoms on tuesday, which means today is day 4 of my potential first contact. if i'm infected, symptoms can appear from today through to monday. that's inconvenient, to say the least, because i don't have peace of mind that i won't be sick. well, i figure that that's kind of out of my control. what is within my control is taking the necessary sanitary precautions, sleeping and waking up early, rehearsing my presentation, and preparing for potential questions.

my allergies have annoyed me to the point where i've been looking for possible cures online. there's this thing called sublingual immunotherapy, which is when you voluntarily expose yourself to the allergen by placing a small capsule/sample of it under your tongue every day for 4 years, after which the symptoms are supposed to be gone. it's not exactly cheap either, at about $100 per month. the more concerning thing to me is the duration, though. 4 years is a long time. but looking at it from the other perspective, i'd have finished the therapy regimen by now if i'd started it together with grad studies. i don't want 34 year-old me to look back and wish that he'd started it now. although, money is a bit of a concern at present, too. i'd always known that after deducting living expenses, almost all that remained of my first few paychecks would go into settling outstanding debts. i'm fine with it, luckily i have good impulse control for the most part.

so...i guess you'll probably be able to guess my schedule for tomorrow and the first half of monday. i'm thankful that i'm still not scheduled to cover any classes, meaning that i theoretically have the whole of tomorrow free. barring any last-minute incidents, of course. at this point, i'd say i feel about 60% prepared, and about 20% nervous. hoping that things stay smooth-sailing for the next 48 hours, and most importantly, that i don't fall sick.

-random thought of the day: Crossing my fingers!-