Time in japan is growing ever shorter. as of now, i have only about 45 hours left in town. 16 or so of those hours will be spent sleeping, so that's just 29 hours of active time. the countdown timer is inaccurate, by the way. i think i set it to 11:59:59pm on the 30th, because i didn't know my flight details at the time. now, i know that i'll be flying out of kochi at 1:30pm, laying over at haneda for a couple of hours, then reaching singapore at around 11pm. not my ideal itinerary, but i didn't pay for the ticket and thus didn't have much say in the matter.

last night was spent at my first supervisor's house. although she hasn't been my supervisor for a few years now, she's still one of my closest friends in the town. scratch that, she probably is the closest friend i have here. we had okonomiyaki for dinner, courtesy of her mother. there was a super nice onion and ponzu salad, too. and her father bought cake! they really take good care of me. conversation was great, and i enjoyed myself playing with her son. don't know why, but he's one of the few kids i can stand. whenever i visit her, i always think that a quiet family life in the mountains isn't so bad. her husband is super into nature and associated activities (camping, hiking, etc.) so living there is ideal. but then, the ambitious part of me reminds myself that there are so many things i want to do, career- and relationship-wise. living in the mountains won't get me closer to those goals at all. maybe retiring here with my future partner would be something to consider...but for now, i've got things to do, places to be, and people to meet.

3 more major things before i can leave japan with peace of mind. first is inorganic rubbish disposal, scheduled for 3pm today. i hope my colleague knows where the house is, or at least has a way to contact me if he doesn't! i trust it'll be ok, the location of the JET house is like public knowledge in the town hall. next is handing over the car, which has been scheduled for 5pm today. not going to lie, the lack of mobility from not having a car makes me feel like i'm being confined to my house. i'll probably do one last supermarket run before the handover. not that i need it, but it never hurt to get a bit more stuff.

the last thing is cleaning and packing, as usual. looking at the remaining unpacked stuff, i think that i should be able to make the space constraint. as far as cleaning goes, i've got the floor of the living room and my dish rack to go. i have all of tomorrow to do it, so i'm not anticipating any major problems.

while there are many more things i want to say, they can wait for the JET reflection post which i think i'll start tonight and finish by tomorrow. 3 years is enough time for a ton of feelings and thoughts to accumulate, so i need to give myself time to organize them and write them out. i'm debating between a chronological thing or an "aspects" thing, as i've done for several year-end posts before. or maybe i'll just go stream of consciousness style. don't think i've done that too frequently. for now though, lunch! will probably use of one of the turkey packs, leaving me one more for a meal tomorrow.

-random thought of the day: My phone's power button went missing.-

Rarely am i this eager to get a day over and done with. today went ok-ishly, with last-minute changes and other assorted hijinks. some of it was caused by oversight on my part, while other things were out of my control. it started off well - i cleaned until about 1pm, at which point my supervisor came over to collect my medical insurance/subsidy card. he told me that the house inspection people would be coming at 1:30pm, so i waited. and waited. called in at 2 to ask where the hell they were, and got told that they'd mistakenly scheduled me for tomorrow. told them my next available dates, then went to the post office to send the items back. they weighed close to 18kg, and cost me about 20000 yen. at that point, i was wondering if it would just be better for me to bring the box to the airport and check it in as additional baggage. but then i figured that it was better to settle as many things as possible in advance, lest something go horribly wrong at the last minute.

while at the post office, i also set up mail forwarding, redirecting all future mail meant for me to the town hall. i have a feeling the rakuten card bill was not fully paid, and there will be an invoice sent over. i've also set money aside for that, so we should be good. this idea of applying for mail redirection was suggested by the other foreign english teacher. quite a genius idea, and i'm grateful that he thought of it.

then, it was off to the town hall to shred some things and settle money matters. the shredding was fine, but moving money was where things went wrong the most. so i'd planned to set aside 350000 yen for taxes and other expenses. my supervisor went through the sums with me, and we decided that 200000 yen was enough. that left me with an additional 150000 yen to move out of japan. i wanted to transfer it to my SMBC account then move the whole bunch to singapore, but apparently it was too late in the day and the transfer would only go through on 30 april, which was when i'd fly! thinking that that was too risky, i decided to do the overseas transfer first and worry about the extra sum later.

at this point, i got a call from the town hall, who told me that all the relevant people were free, and could they inspect the house immediately? so i went back and by murphy's law, the internet and gas people were there as well. had to ask the internet guy to hold off for 5 minutes while i did the transfer. and turns out that because it was late in the day (4pm-ish), the status of the funds transfer would only be reflected on the 30th! i...don't know. at that point, i remember thinking that i should have waited and only done everything on tuesday, but the same thought of doing as many things as possible in advance came up again. i wonder, is this problem unique to japan? i'm guessing SMBC has weird cutoff times for fund transfers.

so, about the additional money. i had the genius idea to send it to my wise balance, as a backup for the UK, or for future spending in japan. of all the days, wise chose today to give me a verification error when i tried setting the fund transfer up. i called in and the customer service person was nice, but clueless. put me on hold for 5 minutes, twice! in the end, she came to the (incorrect) conclusion that i had not updated my residence status with them. she wanted to send me an email with the link. at that point, i was upset enough that i just agreed and ended the call. while waiting for the email to arrive, i thought that i might as well just try restarting my phone, in case that solved things. and it did. i don't know how or why it worked, but i'm just going to accept the blessing for what it is and not ask too many questions. next time, i'll do a reset first and save myself the half-hour of frustration!

last big thing for today, went to welcome my favourite class back from their school trip. was nice to see them using the bag tags! took photos with a few of them, including most of my favourite kids in the class. i know it's part of life and growing up, but i'm sad to part with them. but then, we wouldn't have much more time together anyway, especially since they're off to high school next year. at least i'll get to see them once more during their graduation ceremony next march. i'll definitely try my best to attend. hopefully i'll have already passed probation at my new job (whatever it may be) by then.

well, the house currently looks somewhat like how it did when i first got here. half-(un)packed suitcases, limited internet, and things just in general disarray. on the bright side, i have 3gB of data to last me 3 days, as opposed to 1 month. bigger plus, i don't have to go to work any more. biggest plus, it's not stupid cold so i feel a bit better.

most of tomorrow will be spent cleaning, before going for dinner and staying over at my old supervisor's place. going to borrow the internet at her place for more heavy usage. on sunday, i'm scheduled for rubbish disposal with a colleague from the town hall. we ordinarily don't have any reason to interact, but he asked me to help translate the town's rubbish disposal guidelines poster into english. took me a few hours' work, and another 2 hours to go through my suggestions with him. he was so grateful that when i asked him just for a letter of authorization for rubbish disposal, he insisted on doing it for me! or with me, i don't know yet. i'm prepared to follow him to the dump, at any rate.

handing over the car will be on either sunday or monday, we haven't decided. the nice teacher doesn't know his schedule because it can change depending on the results of the baseball competition that the kids are participating in. as long as i don't double-book myself on sunday afternoon, i think it'll be ok. have to remember to do a final final check on the car, make sure i didn't leave anything important inside.

in between all that, i still have some chores to do. mainly packing and cleaning, plus a small load of laundry. i'm actually worried that my 3 suitcases may not be enough, and i may have to send another box. but that's the ultimate worst-case scenario. more likely, i'll end up leaving some things behind, or throwing them away. but i think i'll be fine. good thing i got done with most of the cleaning today; i'm just left with the living room floor and sorting the stuff on the tables out. but that can wait till tomorrow. i'm wiped out. might head to bed early

Updates about this past week will come later. right now, today is probably the biggest day in the process of getting ready to leave japan. many things are supposed to come together, and i am still not 100% prepared. today's agenda includes:

- remitting money back to singapore (online, before 6pm)

- sending the big box off (post office, before 5pm, make label in advance)

- house inspection (home, 1:30pm, need more cleaning and organization)

- internet termination (home, 3pm onwards)

- gas bill finalization and payment (home, evening)

- meeting the kids coming back from their school trip (school, approx. 6:30pm)

i kind of have a plan in mind, but i'm just worried that i may be forgetting things or getting things done in the wrong order. the worst part is that today is the last day for me to do things, because next monday is a public holiday, and i have to leave for the airport around 11am on tuesday for my 1:30pm flight. while i could do things on tuesday morning, i won't have the car by then so it'll be way more inconvenient. so the plan is to do everything today and call it a done deal.

the annoying thing about planning the time for today's tasks is that there are some things i'm deliberately trying to push to the very last minute. shipping, for instance. i decided to ship the monitor back, because i think it's at least equal to what i have in singapore, if not an upgrade. and i can't ship it if i'm still using it! but well, that will somehow have to get done by today.

ok, the way i see it, i'll need maybe 2 or 3 hours for house cleaning. so if i start that at 9am, i can finish by 12pm. then, i'll go to the post office to ship the box, while making a detour to the bank to withdraw all the money (my last salary should be credited today). then house inspection, where i will confirm the amount of money i need to leave behind to settle all remaining expenses (taxes etc.), after which i will remit money back to singapore. the internet and gas people will come, so i can settle those, and then finally off to the school to welcome the kids back before ending the day internet-less. sounds good, right? at the risk of jinxing myself, i don't see how things could go wrong. oh, i'm sure there are a multitude of ways. but as long as i remember to do the important things, i think i'll be fine.

since i still have 15 minutes before my planned start time, i'll just blog about the forecast for the upcoming days. tomorrow: visit to my old supervisor's place - remember to bring things for them, sunday/monday: hand over the car, last load of laundry, final packing and confirmation. tuesday: hand over house keys, fly off. not going to lie, i'm kind of screaming internally right now. and i'll be screaming again as i plan to go to the UK. why do i put myself through this!? yes, i know it'll be a good experience, and this will teach me things that i wouldn't normally know, like stop using credit cards at least a month before you plan to cancel them, not 2 weeks before as i did here. i'm sure this will be an experience that i'll be grateful for in the future.

-random thought of the day: Time to get cleaning!-

Sh...tuff's getting real, people! another week has ended, and i'm only 10+ days away from boarding the flight back to singapore. logically, i know time will pass whether i want it to or not. and as long as i follow my plan, i'll be ok. it doesn't stop the worry, though! and that's compounded by the uncertainty of plan UK. still nothing heard, and it's quite demoralizing. well...i have that one last firm to try, but i'm not getting my hopes up based on the current state of responses.

today was also my last day in the bigger school. apparently word didn't get out as much as i'd thought, because some teachers didn't know about it! ah well. it was a fairly routine day, and i did my best to not get angry at the usual suspects. the extraordinary part was at the end of the school day, where having made arrangements previously with the form teachers, i was given about 15 minutes with my favourite class. passed them the bag tags, an old worksheet i found from their elementary school days, and a letter. speaking in front of them was difficult. while i had key points written down on a post-it, my nerves caused me to mess up here and there, and i think i may have forgotten to mention some things. it would definitely have been a very different speech if i actually sat down and wrote a proper draft out! but i think there's a time and occasion for that, and this is not it. speaking semi on the fly, imperfections and all, serves to highlight that i'm still learning the language and hopefully gives them some encouragement to do the same for english.

after it was said and done, a few of the kids came up to speak to me one-on-one. someone asked me if i used instagram or other social media. so far, i'd actively resisted starting an instagram account...are a bunch of kids in rural japan going to be the ones to make me change my mind? ...possibly. i don't want to do it on my current phone, though. not enough memory. i'll probably wait till i change phones before anything else! it kind of makes me happy, that some of them want/are planning to keep in touch.

speaking of changing phones, i'd wanted to get a samsung s22 ultra because it was released 2 years ago and should therefore be cheaper. problem is, it was released 2 years ago. with new models coming out every year, past years' models become obsolete pretty quickly. like, i bought my note 8 for about $1000 in 2018. i went to check its trade-in value yesterday...$20. that's 50-fold depreciation over 6 years! i was planning on keeping it as a backup even after getting the new phone, so eh, whatever. the main point is, even the s22 ultra, which came out only 2 years ago, is becoming hard to find! my initial thought was to go to a phone shop once i was back in singapore, but my friends tell me that they usually buy phones online now. the listings online are all sorts of sketchy, lots of display sets and overseas sets. almost makes me wish i had the ex's help to navigate this mess...almost. i'd rather learn from experience than approach him.

plans are changing. the house inspection has been brought forward to 26 april, so i effectively have 3 days less to clean. still can fit everything in, just have to pick up the pace. credit card things didn't go as well as planned; i didn't realize that transactions take a few (3-4) days to show up. so since i last used both my cards on the 17th, i'm going to have to wait till the 20th or 21st to get the final amount payable, then cancel it over the phone. that also means that i'm going to have to start using cash only, similar to when i first got here. honestly...it's annoying. but i'll survive. i'll work on the details of the plan tomorrow; i'm actually feeling really sleepy now to the point where i'm nodding off while writing. Guess today took more out of me than i thought!

-random thought of the day: Feel a little like crying, but not wanting to cry at the same time.-

Pushing the bad thoughts to a later post, because there is one last-ditch attempt at a resolution. this post, i want to talk about the health checkup that i just had. mild grossness warning ahead, you may not want to be eating while reading.

before the checkup, i was asked to collect stool samples. never having done that in my life, i was a little apprehensive. like, should i go in a bucket to make it easier? i shouldn't have worried, because the collection kit that they provided had everything: a piece of strong yet flushable paper to place into the toilet for a dry/elevated surface, collection swabs and individual locking containers. i had to do it twice over 2 days and while it was gross, it wasn't as gross as i'd feared.

the checkup process was pretty efficient; i was never kept waiting for long. the basic checkup was 7300 yen or so, but i decided that since i'm 35 and rumour has it that it's all downhill from here, i should add on a few more things just to get a better idea of what's going on with my body. that brought my total to just over 21000 yen. it's a lot to pay, but at least i can afford it, and it's "buying" important knowledge. there were so many stations with no set order, i forgot most of what i did already. highlights include getting blood drawn, submitting a urine sample, going for an ultrasound scan, CT scan, chest x-ray, a vision and hearing test, having a picture taken of the inside of my eye, and the most interesting one, getting onto a machine that positioned me at various angles and took x-rays (i assume) of my digestive system. the machine even flipped me upside down! i told the technician operating it that it was actually kind of fun, almost like an amusement park ride.

the results were good and bad. good because the doctor said that i'm mostly healthy, bad because the doctor said that i'm mostly healthy. as expected, my weight is an issue, as is my abdominal circumference. apparently that's a metric now. the 2 things that were new to me were: (1) i have 6 gallbladder polyps. nothing to worry about at this point, but i should worry if they get bigger. google tells me that they're mostly benign, and the risk of cancer developing is 0.5% or less. they could very well just be cholesterol deposits, which links to (2) my LDL (bad cholesterol) levels are high! i don't remember the figures off-hand (should have taken a picture of the results screen) but i believe the level of LDL in my blood is about 1.5 times the upper limit for a healthy/normal individual?? i'm tempted to blame the kobe beef meal, but i know that it's something that happened over time. i guess i've been too liberal with the use of animal fat in cooking. my fault; i was under the mistaken belief that animal fats contained good fat as well, so they were safer to use. the main risk of elevated LDL levels is plaque buildup in the arteries. lucky that the checkup also said that my blood pressure is normal, and my blood vessels are comparable to those of a person in their late 20s. so the way i see it, i'm ahead by 5 years or more. of course, i don't want this condition to persist, and i'll take preventative steps.

on the bright side, it's not super serious (yet), so i don't have to swear off high-LDL foods. good thing, too! the list of foods high in LDL reads a little like a shopping list i might make - dairy (especially full-fat dairy products), red meat, organ meats, animal fat (saturated fat), processed meat, eggs, shellfish, etc. telling me to give up all those would be...difficult. i was going to say "a fate worse than death", but realized that it's an exaggeration. if the doctor told me to never eat steak again or i'd die, i'd probably obey it...then have a super atas steak as a last meal. so, the plan moving forward is moderation paired with exercise. otherwise, i'd say i'm doing pretty good, diet-wise! i already don't smoke or drink alcohol, keep myself hydrated with water (minimal sweet drinks), and try to cut back on sugar wherever possible...although i may not have been super successful with all my baking projects! but well...i know what to do. all that's left is to do it.

they also gave me a few post-checkup instructions. as part of the fun spinny stomach x-ray, i had to drink some barium compound. didn't taste like much, kind of like a vanilla milkshake that went very very light on the vanilla. there was also a fizzy powder that they told me to swallow together with the barium compound - no idea what it was. barium apparently causes constipation, so i have to take laxatives to make sure i don't get blocked up. i think i'll be fine. which reminds me, i'm due for my next course.

laxative break over! the checkup also included lunch, which i thought was nice. they brought me to a private lounge-like area and gave me a super elaborate lunchbox, definitely above anything i'd get in singapore as part of a medical checkup. i also had fun trying out the powdered miso soup packets, and the drinks machine had oolong tea, green tea, and onion soup as choices. interesting, that last one. it was nice though. good onion flavour, not too salty. the japanese really know how to take care of people!

since it was probably my last trip to kochi city, i also visited a few shops. nitori, to collect a cover for the blanket that i'll be shipping back. since i was in the vicinity, i also went to the nearby stationery shop to use some vouchers...only to realize that i left the vouchers in my wallet at home. so smart! at least it was for a few tens of yen, 100 or 120 at most. still ended up buying a notebook/journal. not that i need more of them. so much for thinking that i'd write more while on JET! i don't think i've even filled up half of a notebook in 3 years and 5 months. this journal runs till june 2025, so i'll get more than a year's use out of it. and maybe i can use it as my hard limit for the UK if nothing comes through. the last stop was aeon mall, where i bought some instant noodles from kaldi to prep for the last few days. i'll probably stop cooking with fresh ingredients next thursday or friday, and just boil water for various instant foods from then until departure.

progress check! i've decided that i'm going to be shipping a big box back, in which will be my blankets, futon, and maybe a couple bags of clothes. that should free up space in my suitcases. cleaning went well yesterday; i tackled a big project, which was degriming the dining table. baking soda is really a miracle cleaner. i'll have to remember it more. i have about 8 days where i can hole up at home and do stuff uninterrupted, so the plan is to get at least one big project done per day. preferably 2, but we'll see how that goes. as far as cleaning goes, i have to clean the bath and toilet, degrease the stove and surrounding walls, clean the top of another shelf, put the dishes and other cutlery away, and yes, finish the packing. i think it'll be fine. the main thing now is to stop using my credit cards so that the payable amount can be finalized.

more immediately, today and tomorrow are my last 2 days in the small and big schools respectively. i'll be preparing something for the staff in the smaller school - probably my last baking project in japan. also got to write the english teacher a letter to go with the stuff i got her. also need to prepare what i'm going to say to my favourite class - i actually asked their teachers for some time, so i've got to make the most out of it.

-random thought of the day: Busy busy!-

Many thoughts today! most good, some bad. better get them out of my head, so that i can concentrate on cleaning and packing tomorrow.

the biggest good thought is that i just got back from kobe, where i spent only 2 nights. feels like a waste to go all that distance and stay for such a short time, but i don't exactly have time on my side now! staying for a shorter time also means that i save on the hotel room. the hotel this time was good...a little more expensive, but linked to the train station via underground passage almost all the way. i think of the 3 hotels i've stayed at in kobe, this is the best in terms of location and accessibility. the rooms were a little more expensive, and i think it's because breakfast was included. the hotel says it's a complimentary service, but my guess is they factored the cost into the overall room charge.

as mentioned previously, the main objective for this kobe visit was to meet up with chemical engineer cousin and her husband. we spent 4-ish hours together, during which time we had what i'm calling afternoon tea at the danish cheesecake place (go me for remembering it at the last minute!), dinner at a wagyu place, and ice cream on the walk back to their hotel. although i didn't get the menu item i'd initially wanted (due to it requiring an advance reservation), dinner at the wagyu place was easily the best meal i've had in a while. chemical engineer cousin observed that that was the first time she'd been served wasabi as an accompaniment to beef. it's true, most people's image of wasabi is that it goes with seafood in sushi and sashimi applications. having it with red meat was a little unusual, but good! no regrets upgrading for additional meat. i actually mildly regret not upgrading for extra rice too! perhaps it's a blessing in disguise that i wasn't posted to kobe; i'd eat there at least once a month, if not once a week. my wallet wouldn't survive!

while we were together, we updated each other about our lives in the 6 years that we hadn't met in person. i'm only going to count the effective time as 3 years though, because COVID. she's going through something now, which i won't blog about because privacy. hopefully she fares better than i did for my own fight. more on that later. in between updating me on their side of the family, they also asked me plenty of questions about life in japan, plans for the future, continuing the conversation as only someone who'd read this blog could. while i know that people are concerned for me, it's reassuring to have tangible signs! also, hopefully she hasn't been scarred by any of the NSFW bits here...

apart from that, i had a night of solo exploration around the city. tried akashiyaki, which is kind of like takoyaki, except that the batter is more egg-heavy and it's dipped in soup. personal rating, 7/10. would eat again. i also went into this gyukushi (beef on sticks) place. the chef/waiter who was serving my section was quite young, 23 years old. super cute, shy smile. i thought we were sharing some small flirty moments...then his girlfriend walked in. so it was just his "customer service" face. lucky i didn't say or do anything embarrassing! as for the food, i met an older guy who offered me some of the food that he'd ordered. he ordered a LOT. almost makes me wonder if he was an undercover food critic. anyway, that's the first time that's happened. it's an improvement over my last interaction with strangers, but i'm still some ways away from being spontaneously invited on a road trip. one day, i'll catch up to scary JC friend.

there was a gay bar in the same building, and i decided that since it was there, might as well go. mild regret! the only patrons for most of the time i was there was a straight couple. to be fair, they were friendly, and we took turns singing karaoke. later in the night, 2 ladies came in. i thought they were a couple at first, but no - just friends out for a drink. they're both married (not to each other) and have kids, from what i understand. so the irony was that out of 6 people in the premises, the bartender and i were the minority in a place targeted towards us! so, yes. nothing really gay happened, but it was still kind of fun.

that's it for kobe! on the way back home, i stopped at zoff (glasses shop) in AEON mall to get my eyes checked and possibly get a new pair of glasses made. here's one area in which rural places win out over cities - the service is so much more attentive. i'd also went to a zoff in kobe, but they used a voice recording and to check my vision. zero human interaction until the last part, when the optician took the readout from the machine and set the degree on the "prototype" glasses. the optician didn't even notice that there was a problem with the display as the machine was running the test. in contrast, kochi had the same machine but the optician did everything from start to finish. there was more of a personal touch, plus i could ask for repeats if i wasn't sure which image appeared clearer. unfortunately, with the customizations i wanted, the glasses would take 3 weeks to get done. they tried to talk me into foregoing some add-ons, but i refused. i'm going to be using the glasses every day, after all. so i came to a compromise. i bought the frames in japan (because i think they're cheaper and i know that they have the design that i like). then i'll go back to singapore and get the lenses done at a zoff branch there. the new frames are similar to my current ones, except black, matte, and thinner. the lenses are taller, too. don't think i'll look too different, except maybe more serious due to the frames.

one party with which i wasn't successful in reaching a compromise was the international affairs department of the prefectural government. but i'll blog about that in a separate post, because there are certain feelings i need to examine in more detail. the main question i'm asking myself is, "why am i fighting for something so inconsequential?" and i'll elaborate more about it next time!

-random thought of the day: Busy day tomorrow!-

How disappointed my JC form teacher would be to see the state i've been in recently! i'm totally disobeying one of his key tenets, which is "under all situations, stay calm". i won't say that i've had a panic attack (yet), but i will admit to having my heart rate get uncomfortably fast super easily in recent days. it's a combination of the whole moving + diving into the unknown thing, as well as the situation with the internet friend. do i want to assign him a codename? not yet, because this may be the beginning of the end.

good news on the moving side...i've paid my last rent and water bills, found a buyer for the car (YES!!!), and am on track to getting everything done in good time. i even made up a table in word, showing the remaining days and things i want to do for each day. i'd thought that today would be tough because i planned for carpet washing and general cleaning for the computer room. turns out it wasn't that bad; the carpet was lighter than i'd thought, and i'm going to take it to the laundromat tomorrow instead of blasting it with the hose as was my original intention. i guess this is a reminder that things may seem difficult until you actually take the first step and get down to doing them. one other thing i learnt is that genuine woven tatami mats generate a fine yellow dust (from the straw) that usually blows away unless there's something keeping it from doing so...a carpet, for example. i found a decently thick layer when i removed the carpet. yes, it's my fault for not deep cleaning more. my nose isn't doing so good right now, but at least it's not at the "dust allergy flaring up" stage.

about the car. i realized that i made one very horrible calculation error, and nearly gave it away for free. see, when my colleague sold it to me, it had like, 4 months left on the shaken. i got it for 50 000 yen then. in a blind moment, i quoted a similar price to the new teacher who wanted to buy it, although i have about one year of shaken left! so, i adjusted the price a bit, and he agreed to buy it from me for 75 000 yen, broken down into 40 000 yen for the remaining shaken, and 35 000 yen for the car itself. i'm making a small loss, but i'm considering it as rental paid or something similar. for perspective, only in japan can one almost break even on a car purchase! granted my colleague probably sold it to me way below market rate, so i'm passing the kindness on. hopefully people in my future will be kind to me as well when i meet them.

conversations with the person have ground to a screeching halt over the past few days. my understanding is that he's going through some drug-related issues, so i don't want to push too much. our last conversation was...incoherent, so that further makes me believe it. while i'm sure he's not playing games with me, it just doesn't feel nice to have the interest in you drop after a while. well, perhaps this might give me the proverbial kick in the pants to get over my stupid thoughts about the whole thing. looking at it (as) impartially (as i can), even i think i'm an idiot! got to the point where i was quite literally yelling at myself over it in the car while driving home from work. it's no point being jealous of other people, as scary JC friend reminded me yesterday.

while i thought of continuing the point from the last sentence, scary JC friend deserves her own paragraph, considering how much she means to me. so i messaged her to tell her about my flight, and the conversation went on with me telling her about the whole situation. she told me that maybe people with drug issues aren't the best people to be jealous of. and ever as the beacon of positivity and support i need in my life, she reminded me that better things await me in the UK. of course, she doesn't know that for sure. then again, nobody does. also, it seems a few things have happened in her life since i last saw her close to a year ago in osaka. we're definitely overdue for a catch-up, and i hope i can be there for her the way she has been and continues to be there for me.

should also update a little bit about one of the foreign english teachers. i used to teach with her a lot in my first 2 years here, but we haven't taught together since last year. still, i thought it'd be nice to get her a little farewell present. so i bought some stuff from LUSH the last time i was in fukuoka, and wrote her a letter. she seemed to like it, and while i don't think we ever had any huge hatchets between us, i'm now more sure we're parting on a good note. she's transiting in singapore next month, and i may meet up with her for dinner then.

accomplished my main goal of taking the carpet out to air today, so that's a win in my book! will finish today's tasks up with cleaning and picking up rubbish in the computer room. dismantling my homemade humidifier, too. laundromat visit for the carpet and maybe one more big item tomorrow, along with visiting the town hall and school to settle car documents. then it's off to kobe on saturday, where i'll spend my first night trying more interesting food and maybe going to a gay bar. still undecided on the latter. meeting chemical engineer cousin and her husband on sunday, then coming back on monday with a stop by the prefectural office to see if i can settle something with the people there. hopefully that goes well. other than that...more cleaning and packing. although it feels like i may be slipping behind in the packing department, i'm sure it'll be fine as long as i follow my schedule.

-random thought of the day: Stick to the plan!-

Being aware of one's strengths is important. being aware of one's weaknesses is arguably more important. this wisdom also works when "strengths" and "weaknesses" are replaced by "things/areas in which one has surplus" and "things/areas in which one is lacking" respectively. i've recently discovered one such thing/area, but i'll talk about it after recounting yesterday.

like i mentioned a couple of posts back, one of my guildmates would be staying for a night in the neighbouring ehime prefecture. since it was relatively near, we arranged to meet up. while i could have gone by expressway bus, i figured that the simpler and more economical way would be to drive. google maps told me that the distance was 117km one way, so the round trip would be 234km. i thought it wouldn't be a big deal, since i'd driven 350km to osaka before. turns out it was a bigger deal than i'd thought, because a lot of this trip was along winding narrow mountain roads, which significantly limited my top speed. it took me 3 hours, give or take - so 6 hours total spent driving in a day. compare that to when i drove the 350km in 4 hours! but the good news is, i learnt that i can drive for extended stretches without nodding off or losing focus...not that i want to do it regularly!

so, we went for lunch/sakura viewing in a park, climbed up to matsuyama castle, and went for a tour inside. he was coming off a bout of food poisoning, so his appetite wasn't all there. but i heard he managed to try one of the local specialties, so that's good. despite being in japan for so long, it was my first time going to see the sakura (花見 hanami). i personally don't get what the big deal about sakura is. i mean sure, they're pretty, but at the end of the day, they're just flowers. yes, i know they hold deep cultural significance for the japanese, their short blooming period being seen as a symbol of/metaphor for transience (and the transience of human life in particular, back in the samurai era). guess it's one of those things that you can't fully appreciate unless you grew up with it.

the castle was interesting. first time up there for me. the steps were at a really steep incline, as is the norm for old japanese buildings. apart from the architecture, there were a few small exhibits of weapons, armour, nails, and wooden joints as we walked through the castle. a couple of interactive exhibits too - try lifting a real japanese sword (substantial but quite light) and try wearing a suit of medieval samurai armour (i passed on that one). all in all, a good experience, but not worth the 520 yen admission fee, and i don't think i'll be visiting any more japanese castles. just like sakura, once you've seen one, you've seen them all. we then took the chairlift down. scarier, but i'd rather have a chair to myself than be packed into that sardine can of a cable car.

honestly, i'm not super close to this guildmate. i mean, we've played together before, and he's helped me with raid content a few times, but i don't know him super well. in fact, my last memory of him was at a chalet or outing about 4 years ago or more. it's been so long, i didn't even remember that he's taller than me! or maybe it didn't register when we met. he's good at heart, although he can be quite sharp-tongued/troll-y. and he's the same age as me! i always thought he was a few years younger. i find it amazing that i'd consider it worthwhile to drive for 6 hours to meet someone i met online.

"online friends" links back to the first thought on knowing my "weakness", or in this specific case, what i don't have enough of. so, remember i mentioned this internet friend a few posts ago? his partner is my age. i've seen the way they interact, and stupid as it is, i've gotten jealous. lots of physical contact, affection, respect, occasional M18 stuff (we're all legal), basically things i wish i could have. and what's more interesting is how their relationship came about 5 years ago. not going to say much due to privacy reasons, but it's something that i could not have done given my logistical and financial situations at that time even if the opportunity arose. then jealous for what!? i don't know. the brain is stupid like that. i'm really happy for them, and i guess the main reason for my jealousy is i want a guy to treat me like that. not just the physical affection part, but unconditional acceptance. of course i'll pull my weight and more in the relationship, but that's a separate topic.

quick digression just to state that i recognize that i'm loved by many people in the form of friends and family, and i consider myself blessed for that and for their presence in my life. however, as far as romantic love goes, zero at this time. i've said it before and i'll say it again for good measure - if anyone reading this has a crush on me, speak up now!

to be clear, i don't want my friend himself as a partner because (1) he's already romantically partnered and i'm no homewrecker, (2) i'm not equipped to handle drug issues, or ready to have someone be totally financially dependent on me. declaring that you have drug issues in singapore/singaporean society, are you kidding me!? i want someone as nice, as kind, as sunny, as resilient as him. of course, if we're doing the "create-a-character" scenario, i'd remove the drug addiction and tweak some other parameters, but it'd still be someone like him in essence. and while he thinks of me as one of his best friends, that's still on a different level from being his partner. like, if i were ever to get into a conflict with his partner, there's absolutely no question about whose side he'd take. anyway, i don't think he'd be happy being my partner, because the first thing i'd ask of him is to get clean...and that's been a point of resistance. also, i know literally nothing about procuring illicit drugs.

i actually did get into a conflict with his partner due to a difference in the way we interpreted something in our conversation, and as the argument got a little heated, the thought of losing contact with this friend, or (TMI bit ahead) his husband's permission for...other activities with him (alternative relationship structures FTW) caused me to have thoughts and react in ways i'm not proud of. even now, there's some residual trepidation and eggshell-walking, which sucks. i trust it'll go back to normal soon-ish, perhaps after a few more calls.

what's the important thing i learnt here, then? that people are overprotective of what they lack. resource-guarding, basically. for me, the resource is romantic love, affection (physical or otherwise), and complete acceptance. guarding behaviour for me manifests as possessiveness over people who do give me those things (physical affection excepted because you know, online). only problem is, these things are intangible and unguardable. in fact, attempting to guard them will likely result in losing them, because i don't have the right to be possessive over someone else's partner, or anyone who's not partnered to me (very broadly speaking, i won't go into nuances here). and i think my self-reminder bears repeating: this is an online thing, which WON'T WORK OUT IN REAL LIFE. for reasons mentioned above, it's better if i just remain good/best friends (plus a little extra M18 stuff) with this guy. less responsibility/worry too. however, if his partner suddenly died (actually possible) or broke up with him (less likely), would i consider stepping up? died - maybe/probably; broke up - doubt so, because it'll likely be a rebound...that's another digression.

back to the main point. having identified the weakness, how can i remedy it? the logical answer would be to get more of what i lack. that can be done by dating and actually finding a partner to build an equally strong/stronger relationship with, because i don't see how anyone but a partner can provide romantic love. over the past 10-15 years, my mental/emotional state has oscillated between "i really really need a partner" and "i'm perfectly fine with the single life", and all stages in between. looks like i'm at the former extreme now. i don't know if this is a phase, or how long it'll last, but i really want to try giving dating more of a shot. 3 more weeks. or maybe 9, since i don't plan on dating in singapore. hopefully the guys in the UK will be less superficial. having said that, i also kind of want to work out a bit more. i've been lazy about cycling to and from work since january, and the reason/excuse of having had COVID is becoming less valid. it's also partially triggered by how out of breath i was after climbing to the top of the hill where the castle was built. granted we took the harder back way (steeper incline, more rudimentary stairs/steps), but still.

sorry the post got really long. a good portion of it was taken up by something fairly inconsequential, too! but it felt (feels?) like a big deal to me. and this blog is for me to vent and process stuff anyway, so it's fulfilling its purpose. moving forward, the plan is to remember that we are friends first and foremost. with that basic guiding principle, i should be able to navigate this thing well. why am i so smart, to get into this as i'm preparing for the big move!??

-random thought of the day: School starts tomorrow!-

Crying in my sleep and subsequently waking up in tears is not an entirely new experience for me, but it's happened so rarely that the most recent time it happened (2 nights ago) was probably only the third or fourth occurrence ever in my life. this time was special though, as it happened multiple times in the same night. like, wake up crying, spend a while trying to figure out why/process the feelings/recall the dream, go back to sleep, wake up crying, and repeat. there were 2 or 3 cycles of this, and i have no idea why. one dream did stick in my memory. you know the classic batman origin story, where his parents were shot in an alley while he was helpless to do anything? i dreamt exactly that, with one added detail of seeing batman's tears flow from under the cowl. the whole thing was depicted in a cartoony way, like it was batman from the animated series with like rivers running from his eyes. what i don't quite remember was whether it was first or third person, ie. whether i was batman himself (because i actually cried), or watching as an observer (because i saw him crying).

perhaps the crying was a foreshadowing, as i had to battle with japanese bureaucracy again. so as you know, my phone bill is giving me the most headache of the things that i have to settle before leaving japan. the agreement was that i would switch the credit card used to another one that i have, so as to avoid my japanese credit cards being charged after i closed them. i tried to switch it to my wise card yesterday, and was met with an error. after calling in to ask (and being put on hold for about 6 minutes), they told me that debit cards couldn't be used. and yes, the wise card is technically a debit card. while i'm sure there's a reason for the no debit card rule, it's not immediately apparent to me as an end-user, so that caused some frustration. from my perspective, they are both backed by the same company (mastercard in this case), and both use 16-digit numbers, have an expiry date, cardholder name, and security code. so why isn't it going through!? and as luck would have it, my singapore credit card is expiring at the end of april. as long as they charge the transaction before then, i guess. i'm going to warn the office about it and leave some cash behind, just in case.

also, all town hall staff are entitled to an annual health checkup. for reasons that i've since forgotten, i haven't gone for a single one in my time on JET. could be because my supervisors didn't tell me, or that i chose to skip it. anyway, basic as it is, i decided that i might as well go since it was my last one. i requested for 4th april (tomorrow) and my previous supervisor (who's been transferred out) said that it was possible. i then got a call after work yesterday, telling me that the earliest possible date this financial year will be the 15th (monday), which i can't do because i'll be travelling back from kobe. so i asked for the 16th (tuesday), and it seemed ok until i got a call this morning telling me that tuesdays were reserved for ladies only. what horrible timing! so we've now finalized the date on the 17th, which means i definitely won't be getting the checkup results back on time because it takes about 2 weeks to arrive. i could request for expedition, but knowing the japanese system, i don't have high hopes of the request going through. backup plans include them opening it and emailing me the results (huge personal data/privacy violation here), or perhaps asking them to forward the sealed results letter to me.

thankfully, everything else seems to be going ok. rent, water, and gas have been definitively settled, so there's been significant progress. pretty sure we managed to work something out for electricity, phone, internet, and credit cards. so that leaves taxes and pension. taxes will be easy, since they'll just take it out of my salary. pension, on the other hand...headache. i'll have to talk to the new supervisor about it and tell him roughly what to expect. oh, i haven't elaborated on that, haven't i? so yes, my supervisor for the past 2 years was transferred out during the annual personnel transfer exercise, and someone else from another department got transferred in...and got assigned as the JET supervisor. it makes me wonder why they don't assign someone more experienced to the job, especially to handle this complicated leaving process. but perhaps they're thinking to have a fresh start, new JET and new supervisor figuring things out together. i personally think that it's not smart, but well...what can i do?

it's currently still school break, so i've been working at the town hall for the past few days, managed to clear most of my belongings from my desk, so that's a win. have to figure out how to pack them, though. thank goodness i gave my friends stuff to bring back when i met them in tokyo last year! i also went to the schools just to say hello to the new teachers, and the smaller school invited me for lunch under the sakura trees growing in the school compound. it was so nice of them! yes, this is definitely going above and beyond. i don't expect this from any of my schools, so it was a nice surprise which i'm grateful for. did a bunch of area cleaning in the schools as well - shredded a ton of paper. i'll have to pass stickers to the english teachers; i've got so many extra.

also since it's school break, the other english teacher was working at the town hall too. let me preface this next bit by saying that he doesn't report to me, nor do i report to him. we're equals as far as heirarchy/rank go. in the 2 days we were together in the town hall, i noticed that he doesn't practise typical office behaviour - things like not informing the rest where he's going then disappearing for hours, taking long lunches, etc. to be fair, we really have nothing to do. town hall time is deskwarming, where we're expected to occupy our own time unless some actual paperwork comes in. so i understand his reasons for disappearing, although it does make me wonder where he went. i wish i had disappeared more during previous summer breaks!

he was also quite openly doing up his resume using the town hall computer. not that any of the other staff would know or care, since it's in english. again, i can't blame him, since they're kind of screwing him over here. he told me that they only extended his contract to end-august, which means that he'll only be meeting the new JET during summer break when there's no school, and won't be teaching with the new JET at all when the term begins in september. i'm going to try and speak to the superintendent about it, hopefully we can work something out. at first, i was thinking whether i should take the extra effort to help him. considering we're just acquaintances, casual friends at most. but i realized that if the roles were reversed, i would want someone to be on my side and push for me to stay longer in a job that i need (and frankly, the schools need as many foreign english teachers for as long as they can stay). and more than that, it would help the new JET out so much, to see how classes typically go. the flow, activities, potential choke points, and most importantly, the kids' attitudes towards english and their interpersonal interactions/relationships with each other as well as the teachers. the lesson here i think, is to look beyond my immediate sphere and see the bigger picture.

drug use is not something that i've encountered in person. i mean, i know it exists in singapore despite the strict drug laws, and in japan as well. other than news reports, the closest i've heard within my personal sphere was a distant acquaintance getting busted for possession, consumption, and/or distribution of cannabis. so when i recently found out that one of my online friends (not singaporean nor living in singapore) was doing some hardcore drugs, a few things came to mind: (1) how open the friend was about it; (2) are drugs really THAT easy to obtain overseas?; (3) how does this change my perception of this friend? we were often taught that drugs are bad, and people who use them are bad people who should be shunned, lest they try to get you hooked as well. but the person i've been talking to is nice, and even advised me against trying drugs when i mentioned i was curious about their effects. again, i think my chemical education has taught me better than to take the risk, so i'm not about to try it. as for how i interact with this friend...i expect it will remain fairly normal. granted that we're not super close or anything, but i'll say that some of the infatuation regarding this friend has dissipated.

goal for tomorrow: finish packing the winter clothes (since it's too warm for fleece now), sort out the stuff that i brought back from the town hall/schools, get maybe 15% more packing done. i should be able to clear out most of one cupboard, and sort out most of the documents that i'll need to bring back. should also probably be a bit more decisive in throwing things away. we'll see.

-random thought of the day: Things are proceeding according to plan!-