Events of the past few days have made me think about making decisions with incomplete information (sometimes when information appears to be maliciously withheld), standing on my own two feet, and how the universe conspires to give you what you want. let's do each item individually.

decisions - non-malicious first. transformation kink guy messaged me today, asking me for a sudden favour. what he told me was that his boyfriend needed to be at the national stadium early tomorrow, and because they live far away, could they both stay over? i told him that my bed would most likely not fit 3 people, plus i'm scheduled to work in office tomorrow. still, he asked for dinner to talk about it, and i agreed. his boyfriend joined us, and after some clarifications, i found out that he had to be at the stadium in the evening, and he didn't have to be in school in the morning early either! he just wanted a shorter commute to school tomorrow. hardly the dire situation i thought it was! still, i offered one of them the sofa, but the boyfriend ultimately decided to go home. the guy himself asked to stay over, so that's happening. i'm inclined to believe that this was a case of simple miscommunication, because i know this guy doesn't seem to be the crafty sort.

that can hardly be said about the guy in decisions (II) - (probably) with malice. he's the bi guy who i met a couple of weeks ago for lunch, not to be confused with bi guy who i had over for new year. so background info: this guy is training to be an insurance agent, and is apparently marketing himself very well. like, i found myself being impressed with his entrepreneurial spirit at his young age (22). just for clarity - he's not a dating prospect, especially after what he tried to pull. so what happened was that he wanted to organize a group karaoke session at his office (which apparently has a karaoke facility and allows staff to bring guests). he tried finding people and asked me to invite anyone i knew too, but we both couldn't find anyone. so, the plan was that the two of us would have dinner and go for karaoke tonight. yesterday evening, he casually messaged "by the way, my mentor will be joining us to review your insurance coverage". more context: i don't have any insurance with him. younger me would probably have caved, or found a way to weasel out of the karaoke. present me, who's more thick-skinned and who cares less about what others think of him, just said "no thanks, i'm not interested in that". the power of "'no' is a complete sentence"! he then tried to ask again, but i shut that down. think that made him realize he wasn't going to get any sales out of me. fast-forward to this morning, and he told me he'd update me about karaoke because he just had dental surgery. that had never come up in our previous conversation! i decided to give him an out and just told him we would meet another day when he was feeling better. personally, i think the dental surgery thing might be true, but the timing is way too coincidental. i guess one way i'll know if he's sincere about meeting up with me just as friends (ie. no sales intentions) is if he actually proposes a date/time to meet. and if he pulls the "review your insurance" thing again, i'm blocking him.

linked to the above thought. this guy is actually very good-looking. i haven't seen him without clothes, but what i have seen gets a 9 or even 9.5/10. i wonder if he thought his pretty privilege would work on me...like, i would give in because of his looks or because i'd be under the impression that buying insurance from him would mean a higher likelihood of...other activities happening. unfortunately for him, my mind doesn't work that way when money is concerned. i actually think one of my top "values" (or arbitrary rules that i abide by - same thing?) is that i won't pay for sex. i mean, buying someone a drink after making out with them is fine (depending on the person and the overall vibe), but i think that's the furthest i'll go.

standing on my own two feet has to do with the alumni CNY dinner. last year, an old boy kindly sponsored my seat. this year, the expectation was that i'd pay for my own share. reasonable, considering i've landed permanent employment. makes me feel more independent, i guess? although i was still the recipient of kindness; an old boy offered to send me home after the thing since he stays nearby-ish. near-ish by? whatever, you get the idea. grateful for people who look out for me! interestingly, scary JC friend was in a bit of an uncomfortable situation (nothing serious, thankfully), which she promptly texted me about. i'm happy that she'd think to approach me in a pinch! i also told her about the karaoke situation during the dinner, including the update this morning, and her takeaway was that maybe she should use tinder to market her real estate stuff! i'm 99.99% sure she's joking/too smart to actually do that, and the remaining 0.01% is just to account for in case she decides "what the hell, let's give it a try". if she does, i hope she'll give me advance notice if she's meeting a prospective date/client, just so i can be on standby if things go south.

remember how i blogged about how gaming on my home keyboard (linear switches) was tolerable but not my preferred option, and how i didn't dislike it enough to swap my home and office keyboards? well...on tuesday, i noticed that the logo on my office keyboard was lit up. it's usually off, so i pressed a key combination to turn it off. thing is, i'd remembered the wrong combination and ended up changing the whole keyboard's backlight colour. since my backlight is a custom colour, i couldn't change it back without bringing the keyboard home to change it using the software on my laptop. so, the office keyboard came home with me on tuesday, and i now have the option to bring my home keyboard to the office where it'll solely be used for work, and my office keyboard (tactile switches) can be left at home for general computer use including work, blogging, and gaming. the fact that changing the backlight colour was done by accident makes me think the universe was giving me a sign to do it.

last thing, about other things that happened today. remember my colleague who was asked to resign? friday is his last day, so a few of us got together for a farewell tea break kind of thing this afternoon. this colleague is not a bad person, but perhaps a little quirky/weird (not meant pejoratively). considering we don't interact much, i don't really feel sad about him leaving. but i also think that it may be a better move for him, since he appeared to be struggling with the pace. he appears to have a plan about what to do next, and it seems he's already started applying to various positions, so i believe he'll be ok.

what kind of surprised/annoyed me was how another colleague kept asking him what went wrong, how the whole process went...the kind of questions that i wouldn't feel good answering if this happened to me. i'd previously thought this colleague was perhaps just a bit awkward, but this level of tactlessness is just mind-blowing. suffice to say my opinion of him has plummeted, and doesn't look like it'll recover. thankfully the departing colleague took it in stride! i tried to redirect the conversation to more optimistic things like future plans and potential workplaces. another colleague who was there later told me "thank you for coming" in the most relieved tone of voice i'd ever heard this person use, so i'd like to think i succeeded to some degree.

ok, last thing for real this time. today was pull day at the gym, and i think i strained my lower back a little doing deadlifts. on a pain scale of 0-10, i'd say it's about a 3.5? will probably take it easy in general tomorrow, and when doing leg day on friday. must remember to increase the weight slowly for squats, just in case my back gives out. it shouldn't, but it never hurt to be safe. also, i should stretch more, even on non-gym days. something to incorporate into the daily routine!

-random thought of the day: Less keen on renting the room out now.-

Push day went better than expected; i think the week's absence served as a kind of deload, to give my muscles enough time to rest and come back stronger. most significantly, my bench press weight increased by 5kg to 50kg total (although i still failed the last rep of the last set), and the other weights either went up or maintained. had a bit of problem with the shoulder press though, so i regressed to seated dumbbell, which is easier. compensated by doing more reps, so i guess that's ok? i'll have to see how next week's session goes. initially, i thought i didn't do enough as i wasn't sweating as much, but i know better after coming home and finding myself unable to lift my arms up fully in the shower. think it might be a shoulder mobility thing too.

as you may know, i resubbed to final fantasy earlier in the month for the valentine's day event. and since i had spare time during CNY, i caught up on the story quest, raids, basically everything. my gear is still not top-tier yet, but i'm getting there. i realize how much of a time sink gaming is. good thing i've downgraded myself to super casual player; i simply can't imagine spending the day working, then going to gym in the evening, and coming home to raid. i also realize that i prefer tactile switches when gaming. linear switches are supposed to be more sensitive, but that translates into fairly frequent mis-presses for me. don't think i'm bothered enough to change my office and home keyboards, but the thought did cross my mind.

things are happening at work...i'm grappling with a few cases that are a little annoying scientifically, but extremely annoying legally. and between legal and scientific, i'm weaker in legal. but i figure it's part of learning. i'll have to make my own decisions someday, when i'm allowed to send reports out without going through my group lead. i wonder how the seniors got the confidence to send reports out independently? separately, there's going to be an organizational reshuffle. there's a small chance that i may be affected in that my division lead may change. there are 3 possibilities of who the new division lead may be. (1) my current one, and i'd be happy to remain with him; (2) a newly-promoted senior, who's easygoing and with whom i'm sure i could work well; (3) the one division lead that i know i won't enjoy working under. it's probably not an even probability which one i'll go to, and my guess that i'll end up with #1 or #2. but here's hoping i don't jinx myself.

for some reason, i felt/feel my motivation drop a little this past week. not super sure why, but if i had to guess, i'd say accumulated fatigue took its toll. perhaps the semi-isolation over CNY allowed my mind to wander a little into dangerous territory as well. hoping that it was just a fleeting thing, and getting back into the regular routine will dispel that negativity. speaking of needing human contact, i've got a few events lined up this week. not going to bore you by repeating all of them, but i'm excited! it's been a while since i've seen the guildmates; i think the last time was at a random dinner last year? and even then, not everyone i know was present. we're expecting a larger turnout as it's a CNY dinner, and it would be nice to catch up with everyone again. oh! i didn't mention it in the last post, but i've got my JC class gathering on sunday. guess i left it out because sunday is 1 march, and thus not february any more. 20 years! where did all that time go? NS, undergrad, grad school, first job + depression + COVID period, JET, UK and job hunting, then current job. seems like i could have squeezed more events in there, but  things happen in their own time. i will say though, i think my life trajectory is one of the more interesting ones. probably only 2-3 people would have similarly/more varied experiences. but i could be wrong; that's why i'm looking forward to catching up with the 11 other people who are supposed to be going!

-random thought of the day: Shake the funk off!-

Fell off the gym bandwagon this past week, partially due to CNY and mostly due to laziness. while i could find excuses, i figure that i should be honest to remind myself that i'm not perfect, and that reality can (does) differ from the plan. good thing i missed a whole week, so my next workout will be push day, which i was originally what i was supposed to do anyway. the important thing is to get back onto the plan ASAP, the steps of which i'll lay out later.

had my first weird dream in the new place! the first one i remembered upon waking up, at least. i dreamt that i was a teacher, and that a half-day of school on saturday was mandatory for lower primary students. i went for a primary 1 or 2 class in a random school, and i met my ex-form teacher from sec 3 and 4 as he had them for the previous period. we chatted a bit, and he mentioned that i wasn't dressed appropriately. i recall i was wearing a long-sleeved sweater and long pants, which i thought was fine! he then said it was because i'd worn this same outfit to an NSFW event, and when i asked him how he knew, he kind of hinted that a video had been leaked. now that i think about it, it's very on-brand for him to hint at things first and expect you to figure out what he's saying. i think that's the extent to which i remember the dream. analysis time!

starting with the last part first, i wonder if it's subconscious fear/worry of having my NSFW activities "exposed" to social circles where it would be inappropriate. work, for example. although...i do wonder how much damage it could do. 377(a) has been repealed, so it's not illegal any more. plus, we're all consenting adults. i suppose the main negative outcomes would be social (ostracism, bullying, etc.). and in an extreme case, the bullying might have more serious consequences in that a higher-up deliberately makes things difficult so quitting or getting fired are the only possible options. i don't think it'll come to that for me, as long as i keep delivering on my KPI and don't mix my work and private lives.

the next thing is about that particular teacher. i haven't seen him since either O-levels results day, or one of the random times i went back to visit the school. last i heard, he transferred to another school where the students had a reputation for being "rougher". we (me and the friends who i was talking to about it) wondered how he would survive there. but seemed to survive he did, and he even won an award from MOE! that was in 2019 though, and that was also the most recent piece of info i found about him. let's do some calculations. assume he was 34 when he was my sec 3 form teacher, 16 years passed since 2003 and 2019, making him 50 in 2019. considering he was single when he taught us (and assuming he remained single throughout), retiring at 50 would be possible on a teacher's salary assuming that at least some of it was invested. not to mention he's malaysian, so retiring to his hometown would reduce his cost of living by a whole bunch.

interestingly, the 2 form teachers i had (sec 1 & 2, sec 3 & 4) both remained single as far as i know. there were rumours floating around about their orientation, and apparently my old classmate saw our sec 1 & 2 form teacher in a very gay-coded outfit along neil road, which is known to have a gay bar and be a popular hangout spot for gay guys. doesn't prove or disprove anything, of course, and the only way to know for sure is to ask the teacher himself. doesn't look like that'll be possible either, because he's also seemed to vanish off the face of the planet. the last piece of news i have about him is that he received a national day award in 2023, while still with my alma mater. the age lines up; i know he was born in 1973 so he might have stayed in the same school, and also retired at 50. he's malaysian too, so definitely possible. well...wherever they are, i hope they're happy and living their dreams.

CNY was quiet for me. had scary JC friend over for dinner on the eve, which was nice. it was unexpected too; she mentioned that she wouldn't normally imagine spending CNY eve with me, especially since it's traditionally the time for reunion dinner. but she isn't celebrating this year due to a recent bereavement, and her schedule lined up with my plans, so there we were. it was nice to have a reunion dinner-ish thing for my first CNY in the new place! had a quiet day 1 and day 2 as well, since i didn't do any visiting this time. i think i'm going to maintain it this way. i don't know...i feel like most of my extended family and i don't add value to each other's lives (with the exception of my aunt, uncle, their 2 sons and the 2 sons' kids) and we don't contact each other anyway, so why bother with seeing each other for that one time a year? i know arguments can be made about how "they're family, after all", but i don't know. maybe i'll think about it next year.

had the transformation kink guy over on thursday/friday. he mentioned that he was interested to rent my spare room, and while i have no issues with him as a person, i wonder if i'm ready to share my space with someone else. having people over for a while, or even spending the night is different from having a full-time tenant. he asked me an interesting question while we were having dinner, which was if i enjoyed having him around. i mean...like i said earlier, i have no issues with him, and i think we're able to get along. but "enjoy"...that's a tough one. i will say that i enjoy people's company in general, but too much of a good thing may not be good. seems like i still want my own private space, and i'm not ready to rent yet. scary JC friend was telling me about an alternative to renting, which is to open my place up as a venue/space for people to use. the example she gave was hosting mahjong games - players pay some sum per complete round in "drinks money" (typically $10-20), so assuming one round takes 2 hours (leisurely pace) and i open my place for 8 hours a day, that's 4 rounds of $10 X 4 per round, or about $160 per day. multiplied by 20 working days a month, and that's an extra $3200, which beats what i'd get from renting! of course, there are some assumptions made here, in the number of rounds completed, plus that i will have full occupancy throughout the day. there are risks too, in that strangers are coming into your place, sometimes when you're not home! i was telling her that i'm not sure if i'll be willing to take the risk, but it's an alternative i can consider.

went to an LGBT acquaintance's place for dinner last night. apparently she's a trans girl, and is dating a straight guy. they're living together in the guy's place (he's 27 and bought a condo...like, what!?). she shared that she moved in 3 days after they started dating. to think that i thought me moving in with the ex after 2 months was fast! coincidentally, their place is just a couple of traffic junctions away from the ex's place, so i know that area fairly well. dinner was good - there were 2 more guests other than myself, and we had some enjoyable conversation and played a couple of tabletop games. i guess this is the kind of social interaction i've been lacking, since the majority of my social interactions so far this year are either with colleagues, or M18 in nature. one of the other guests was quite soft-spoken and looked pretty cute! reminded me of my dentist friend - might be the facial hair. he mentioned that he was born in the year of the tiger, so i knew that it was either 1986 or 1998. think the facial hair threw me off; i guessed that he was a full zodiac cycle older than he actually is. thankfully i kept the guess to myself! hopefully there'll be more of such SFW gatherings.

ok, quick planning thing before i go off for tuition.

today - tuition

sunday - nothing special

monday - nothing special

tuesday - office CNY celebration, alumni CNY dinner

wednesday - gym, have crochet guy over (or maybe on thursday?)

thursday - nothing special

friday - work in office, gym

saturday - morning alumni gathering resumes, tuition, guild CNY dinner

based on my dinner engagements, it seems that my later 2 gym days this week have to be fixed on wednesday and friday. which means my remaining gym day can be today, tomorrow, or monday. would prefer to avoid tomorrow if i can, since it's the day off for most foreign domestic workers and the PLQ area will be crowded. between monday and today, i'm thinking monday is better since i'll be going to the office anyway. although if i go today, that means i won't have to carry my gym bag in addition to my office backpack on monday. well...let's see how i feel after tuition.

-random thought of the day: Still not sleeping well.-

Skipping the gay bar this week, as i'm feeling a little too tired to get dressed up and head down. granted, i've gotten lucky every single time i've been there thus far, but even the higher chance of having some M18 time isn't enough motivation to get me out of the house. but it's fine. there'll be other chances.

i also realized that not going freed up my evening to run errands or do things that i wouldn't have been able to do if i'd gone down...shifting my time around, in a way. i've been to the nearby giant to get more baking ingredients for cookies tomorrow (it's valentine's day, so something for the kids, tuition people, and neighbours), as well as ingredients for hotpot on CNY eve and possibly even into days 1 and 2 or beyond. it's tradition, and would help introduce a bit of variety into my daily diet. but yes, that should be nice. so far i've gotten sliced beef and pork, whole squid, chinese cabbage, eggs, fish, mushrooms, and soup bases. sounds like a feast already! might want to supplement with a couple more proteins and/or vegetables, but we'll see.

remember how i said my (lack of) food intake might be contributing to my slow recovery? i think it might actually be true. i ate more for dinner yesterday and today, and i don't feel sore despite having gym last night. ok that's not exactly accurate. maybe i should say that i feel less sore. but it's not an apples-to-apples comparison, since the workout i did was different. i'll have to see how i feel next monday. i'm also happy that i overcame the inertia and went to the gym yesterday. it's these small things that will determine how plan "tend the garden" goes.

kind of want to plan for the upcoming CNY period, but then again i also don't have that many engagements. might as well do it in case my memory fails.

14 feb (sat, tomorrow) - bake cookies, tuition, gym

15 feb (sun) - buy food/ingredients for CNY (if needed)

16 feb (mon, CNY eve) - half-day work, gym, hotpot dinner!

17 feb (tues, CNY day 1) - settle 1-2 boxes, can't throw things away

18 feb (wed, CNY day 2) - bake cookies, dinner at the gay bar

20 feb (fri) - dinner at LGBT acquaintance's place

24 feb (tues) - alumni CNY dinner

28 feb (sat) - guild CNY dinner, bake even more cookies (maybe double batch)

by the time all the festivities are over, we'll be 10 days away from japan! ideally, i'll be able to settle my current case load plus maybe another 1 or 2 before then, which would be meeting or slightly exceeding the promotion target. more cases have come back, with a few more mistakes than i would've liked. still, it appears to be within tolerable limits, as i've been able to send cases out after 2 rounds of checks maximum. i'm heartened that there haven't been any serious problems, like me assessing a case wrongly.

that's all for now, i guess. life is moving along and i'm just enjoying each day as much as i can. while i'm sure i could be doing more, what i'm doing now isn't bad either. still, that's no reason to get complacent. just do the best i can and things will fall into place.

-random thought of the day: Should get a manual vacuum cleaner.-

Made the executive decision to push my gym workout to tomorrow. at this early stage in my healthy living plan, gymming on 2 consecutive days doesn't agree with me. found that out the hard way over sunday and monday. so the plan is to give myself a bit of a break today, and go tomorrow evening and saturday morning since the alumni gathering is paused for the next 2 weeks due to CNY. tuition is still ongoing though, so it's not like a full break.

seems like i'm taking longer to recover between workouts. if i had to guess, i'd say it's because my out-of-gym habits aren't adequately supporting recovery. could be because i'm not eating enough (shocker, right?), and/or not sleeping enough. if you ask me though, i'd bet it's more of the latter. see, what usually happens is that i'll resolve to sleep early, but only actually sleep after 12 or 1am. i'll wake up the next morning and drag myself to work while feeling bleh. it'll be ok until after lunch, where i'll just crash out and take a power nap (or sometimes, even a longer nap). then the cycle repeats at night. the frustrating thing is that i've tried to sleep early, like getting into bed and turning all the lights off by 10pm...but i end up tossing and turning until my "usual" sleeping time. yes, i know it can be fixed/adjusted, and i should put more effort into that. maybe by resisting the urge to nap in the afternoon, or tiring myself out in some other way.

i wonder if this feeling is compounded by the fact that i'm overdue for a break? the last time i had an actual holiday with zero worries was probably last march, when the ex and i went to japan. i realize that a whole bunch of stressful events happened after that! the cheating + breakup, having to meet my probation and annual targets at work, moving into marine parade, buying the ubi place (including settling renovations and moving in)...all these were enough to keep me occupied until december, and the fact that there were overlaps meant that i was more often than not dealing with 2 or more things at a go. good job, past me, for pulling through! i'm actually really excited about the upcoming japan trip. although it's going to be the same destination as with the ex, that's not going to spoil it for me because my feelings towards japan outweigh whatever miniscule feelings i still have for the ex by far. i lived in japan longer than our relationship lasted! by the way, did you know that this is going to be my first time travelling with scary JC friend in our over 20 years of friendship? sure, we've met up in other countries before, but never purposely booked an entire trip together. if my hunch is right, this will only deepen our friendship.

good news - my oven came in, and my plan to bake a batch of cookies for my division meeting went well! the browned butter cookie recipe i learnt while in japan didn't fail me. some were a bit overdone, but that's because i didn't change the heating mode when baking only one tray. lesson for next time! i'm also ridiculously happy that the oven is huge compared to the one i had in japan; baking 30 cookies only took me 2 rounds (2 trays of 12 each for the first round and 1 tray of 6 for the second), whereas it would have taken me anywhere from 3-5 rounds in my smaller oven. i can't wait to try making sourdough...although i'll probably have to give most of it away since i'm doing the low-carb thing. i realize that although i'm not super stressed out by work, i do need some other activities to do if for no other reason than to keep my mental health in check. besides, being good at cooking and baking will help me attract guys, right? that's future planning right there!

jumping back to my slow recovery, i quickly googled the calorie counts of some of my regular food items, and i realize that i may have been overestimating my calorie consumption. i guess it makes sense, since i've been having cravings here and there. not for processed snacks, thankfully, but for more helpings of healthy food. going to try increasing my intake a bit by making dinner a little more substantial. maybe that might help speed up my recovery even more. if that's still not enough, i might do something for breakfast as well...but let's start with dinner first.

feels like i should do some concrete planning for house organization, otherwise nothing is going to get done! my biggest arrow right now is unpacking. but to do that, i'll need storage solutions. the 2 ikea cabinets i intend to get don't seem to be sufficient, so i might need to trouble my aunt for another set of shelves and/or throw/sell more stuff. i realize something i didn't really consider during house renovations was to have places to display things - like shelves, display cases, or stuff like that. granted that there's not really anywhere to put them, given the space constraint! think i'll use the new year break to settle another box or 2 (ideally 2 or more), which will hopefully help to overcome the inertia. i also realize that getting a robot vacuum was not very smart, as i have things strewn all over the place. not conducive for a robot! well, maybe i'll sell it or pass it to my aunt.

2 more days until the weekend. i'm thankful that my work isn't stressful to the point where i'm eagerly anticipating the end of every single week. but there's something magical about a weekend, you know? i guess it's the fact that i can legally and ethically blow off work to do my own stuff. have a lunch with the tuition people tomorrow, and going to the gay bar on friday. saturday is just tuition, and i don't recall if i have anything on for sunday. oh, i might want to get hotpot ingredients then, since monday is CNY eve and hotpot is traditional. my aunt invited me over for reunion dinner, but i kind of think i need some alone time. social battery and all. besides, you know i'm not too into the fakeness of CNY. all in all, i'm looking forward to the next 2 weeks, and even more to japan!

-random thought of the day: 27 days till we fly!-

Debating on whether to go to the gym later tonight or tomorrow. i know i should do it tonight for more even spacing of my workouts, plus it's like getting a chore over and done with. but because it's drizzling outside, i haven't slept well or much for the past 2 nights, plus i'm feeling a little tired from tuition, there appears to be a good argument to put gym off. i decided to just blog a little to see how i feel afterwards. if i regain enough energy after this post, i'll go.

my group lead finally returned me 2 cases. one was immediately cleared to send out, and the second one needs some revisions. have to clarify her comments on monday; i'm not exactly sure what she means by one of them. at least she didn't say my argument was wrong, so i'm thinking i'll probably just have to do minor edits. i also asked for more cases, and if i can finish this load by the end of the month, i'll be quite ahead of the promotion target. it's good, since i'll be away for a week in march. but i should also remember to keep expectations realistic and focus more on quality than speed.

the past week was very good for me, NSFW wise. not only did i have a bunch of fun, i also learnt/was reminded of some important life lessons. perhaps chronologically would be the best way to present it. on wednesday, i had the nice guy with the transformation kink over. we had dinner at sauté sushi before that (he's vegetarian)...and that was probably my first and last visit there. the items were of average quality and totally not worth the hefty price tag. i guess we'll stick to greendot next time. NSFW time was nice, but there's some incompatibility as far as our interests go. still, it's not to the extent where we absolutely cannot do anything together, so we're good on that end. he stayed over, and we went to meet his boyfriend for lunch the next day. watching them interact with each other, i felt an odd sense of admiration mixed with relief. this one might need a bit of explanation. see, the boyfriend appears to be on the spectrum and dealing with some mental health issues. and this guy is supporting him through all of it. i wonder if i'd do the same, had i been in that position? signs point to no now, which is where i expect the relief comes in. but i'll only know if i'm actually put into that scenario. still, i'm happy that the both of them found love with each other and that they've made it 8 years together, hence the admiration. oh, the boyfriend's friend/study partner joined us midway. he's kind of cute, but aromantic/asexual. pity, i'd have loved to do something with him...although let's not forget that he might not be interested in me even if he wasn't asexual.

on thursday, i hosted the guy who i met last week. i seem to be his type, which made me believe a little more in the saying that everyone is someone's type. i guess the difficult part is finding the someone whose type you are. he tried to teach me how to crochet (he's really good at it), and i did a couple of rounds of what was supposed to be a small stuffed animal before throwing in the towel. he suggested we attempt an easier project first, so i'll be making beanies for scary JC friend and my mentor figure for our japan trip! just a small goal to work towards - i think it'll help with motivation. meeting up for more crochet sessions (among other things) is also in the pipeline, so the odds of him being a more permanent person are good. we've talked about what we want in life at this point, and we're both not looking to date or get into a relationship. so, keeping things casual and hanging out as friends works. NSFW-wise, our likes are also more closely aligned, which makes sexy time way more enjoyable than with the previous guy. not that it's bad with the previous guy - think of it as more like the difference between "good" and "amazing". i guess this is the so-called chemistry that people talk about.

went down to the gay bar yesterday for a themed night. remember the guy who i felt less attracted to because of how quickly he switched to BDSM mode? he was there again. there wasn't any BDSM play that night, so i was able to engage him more normally...as far as "normally" goes in the midst of M18 activity, anyway. now, about this guy. just based on looks alone, i rate him at 9.5/10 for face, 8.5/10 for body (for reference, bi guy gets 7.5 for face, 9 for body; and i'd rate myself 7 for face, 4.5 for body). but he was kind of ranting about how he wants to be more intimidating, about how someone who bumped into him on the street picked a fight with him because he looked smaller, how he didn't have money and needs a job...and the revelation i had was that people still have dissatisfactions/insecurities/issues regardless of how attractive/put together they appear. i asked myself if i'd want to at least try dating this guy, and my answer was surprisingly "no". i guess i'm getting better at looking past physical appearance and seeing guys more holistically now...and/or my standards for non-physical aspects got higher. also at the bar, i've been casually flirting with the cute bartender who's always on duty when i visit. hoping to catch him on his day off to engage him in more personal conversation (and perhaps other activities as well), but the stars haven't aligned yet. well...it'll happen when it happens. look - more personal growth!

during today's alumni gathering, scary JC friend was sharing that an older person she knows appears to be in the closet, and is finally getting to express their authentic self after 20+ years, to the point of reconnecting with an old (same-sex) flame. the timing was kind of apt, as i'd also been mulling over the advancements in LGBT representation/visibility/presence in relation to my life. like, if this gay bar had existed back when i was younger, like in NS or undergrad, how would that have affected my life? on the positives, i think i would have made more gay friends, maybe even found someone special. of course, there's the flipside of even if i found someone special, the relationship might not have worked out, maybe i might have met unsavoury characters and got cheated, or worse, some STI or another, or i might not have gone on JET due to having one more thing (person) to tie me down in singapore. it leads back to the same conclusion - the best thing we can do is to make the best of what we have today. although i will say that there is a small sense of resentment(?) that younger people have these resources/places available to them at their current age, whereas i didn't. but nothing i can do about that. conversely, i should be happy for them, that they have these avenues to explore and skip some of the struggles that the older generations went through. i think the same can be said about how older generations look at my generation. like, can you imagine arranging a hookup without internet, instant messaging, or mobile phones!? but they did, somehow.

we're already a week into february! my calendar is fast filling up with feast days - lunch with the tuition people, dinners with several friend groups - alumni, final fantasy, LGBT, and i expect the office will have a CNY celebration sometime in the next 2-3 weeks. the challenge is going to be maintaining the calorie deficit and gym sessions amidst all the festive eating. i figure it's just a matter of knowing when to stop and not getting carried away.

still feeling a bit low-energy now, despite about 2 hours of rest. i think i'll sleep early tonight and gym tomorrow morning. the session after that will be on monday evening. not ideal, but at least there'll be more than 24 hours between sessions. besides, this might tell me if my body is ready to add one more session each week. my sidequest is to buy cookie ingredients, since my oven arrived! the plan is to bake cookies for my upcoming division meeting on tuesday (reminder to self: get large tupperware), the tuition people, the alumni people, and the final fantasy people. might do it right after gym on sunday, or make a separate trip out later in the day to increase my physical activity. maybe i'm too tired to feel happy now, but i can at least say that i'm content with how plan "tend the garden" is going. i hope it at least stays this way, or improves!

-random thought of the day: What to have for dinner?-

Going to focus more on non-NSFW things for this post, mainly because there has been more activity in that realm. my next NSFW things are only happening from tomorrow to friday...now that i look at it, the schedule there seems kind of full. but well, i'm happy for too much activity vs. no activity, especially because the people i'm scheduled to meet are nice.

but anyway. had my push day revenge yesterday. was smart enough to go for a haircut before that too; thankfully the chain barber i went to doesn't have CNY rates. while i did better than last week, i'm still not at the level where i envisioned myself to be. still died during bench presses, although i managed to do more reps this time. interesting thing was although i felt fine at the time (and hence disappointed that i couldn't do more), i woke up feeling a pleasant ache in my chest muscles. so i guess i'm doing something right.

the KPI tracker got sent out yesterday, and i severely underestimated the number of points i scored in january. the actual number was 50% above my prediction! but i need to remind myself not to get used to seeing this, as i used the cheat code of only submitting last year's excess cases this year. so that gave me a free boost. if i do manage to keep up this pace, hitting the promotion target at the end of the year should be possible. my only concern is that i have 7 cases sitting with my group lead now, and amendments might be time-consuming when they finally come back to me. cross that bridge when we get there.

something a little weird happened today. we normally buy lunch back to eat in the office, or some of us bring lunchboxes (as i've recently started doing). those of us in office today decided to eat out for a change, and that got me more excited than i was expecting to be! like...why? my colleague hypothesized that it's because all this eating healthy/clean has got me feeling depressed, and i'm overdue for a cheat day. if that's true, it's probably subconscious, because i feel fine with making and bringing food to work. at least, i think i do. also, it's only been 2 weeks! i'm guessing that the upswing in mood has more to do with a deviation from the norm, like going out and having some different flavours. regardless, it was good for my soul. not so much for my wallet, though. we went to this mala place that charges by weight of food, and i paid $19 for close to 500g of meat/seafood and vegetables. a bit on the high end, but i suppose it's more reasonable if you think about their cooking and labour costs. the thing that annoys me is i don't think they factor in the mass of the bowl, do they? i got my ingredients in collagen soup since it was the only non-spicy option. no regrets. makes me wonder if i should schedule an "eat-out" day every so often, like once in 2 months. it's not going to be hard this month, with CNY and the associated feasting period coming up!

in an amazing coincidence, i bumped into a JC classmate at paya lebar MRT while i was on the way back from gym. as we were talking and catching up, we realized that this year is the 20th anniversary of our JC graduation. put another way, the time interval from JC graduation to now is larger than the time interval from birth to JC. can you hear my internal screaming? but yes, we're getting old. other than myself and E, i don't know if anyone else in the class is still single. not that there's anything wrong with being single, it's just that you'd expect most people of my age to be partnered, if not married and optionally with kids. well...i'm attempting to rally everyone for a dinner soon, so i guess that'll be when we can catch up with each other. so far, 7/26 people have voted in the whatsapp poll although everyone appears to have read the message. perhaps those who haven't voted yet are still trying to settle their schedules. the horrible part of my brain struck again, wondering if i was remembering my JC days through rose-tinted glasses. after some thought, i don't think so. i mean, i'm not best friends with all the other 25 people or anything like that, but i think that i could have civil - probably enjoyable - conversation with any of them if we met. i should remember to extend an invitation to our form teacher too, since i'm connected to him on facebook. perhaps once we pin down a date.

was quite productive after work today...went to get groceries (vegetables and eggs) and finally take the big blanket i bright back from japan out of storage. the blanket i'm using now (kindly provided by my aunt) feels a bit small. and it's definitely not enough for 2 people to share, which will be relevant tomorrow. it smelt kind of musty, as would be expected after more than a year's storage, so i washed it at the laundromat downstairs (yay convenience!) and it's hanging up to air-dry on my clothes rack. should dry by tomorrow - i realize laundry dries faster than i remember from childhood. might have been kid me's perception of time. in an annoying moment of clumsiness, i knocked over my shaver's cleaning stand and spilled cleaning solution near my washing machine. don't think it'll cause any damage, and at least it smells good. but it does mean that i'll have to get new cleaning cartridges. on the bright side, i found the yakiniku plate which i brought back from japan! i'd forgotten which box/bag i'd put it in.

plan for tomorrow is to pass my friend the 10-year series back so he can print questions for me. i'm working from home, so he said he'd come by. he's going to be only the 2nd chemistry guy to see this place. also got an offer to teach a JC class at the tuition place. not too sure i want to take it up, because it's from 5-7pm on saturday. while it is 2 hours more work (and hence more money), the almost 2-hour gap between classes means i'm wasting time because it's not worth it for me to go home then come back. i figure i still have time to mull it over, but i'm leaning 70% to no. i guess i'll also ask my friend for his opinion when he comes over tomorrow.

also have to receive my oven sometime in the day, then go to the gym. might stop by the office to pick my keyboard up (i've been wanting to change one of the key mappings, but keep forgetting to bring it home). scheduled dinner with the guy from 2 weeks ago, and his boyfriend may be joining us...both for dinner and other activities. thursday should be an in-office day because there's going to be a power cut at home, but we'll see. have the guy i met last week coming over at night, but i'm not sure how that will go. he does seem sincere in wanting to be friends at least, so that's something. then work as usual on friday, with an event at the gay bar at night. and just like that, another week will have passed. it's actually nice to think of it this way. feels like i'm making progress over time.

-random thought of the day: Not to forget leg day on Saturday!-

Carousell gambling paid off! the keyboard kit that i got there is the old version (same as my office keyboard), and is compatible with the software from the company. i've just set it up, and am so happy about it!! it's white, which kind of creates a contrast with my other computer peripherals which are all black. but i don't mind! considering i got it at a 60% discount from brand new AND it's the exact model i wanted, colour is just an afterthought here. and my grey/blue keycaps go well with it too!

since i was already out of the house (i met the seller at tampines MRT), i decided to explore a bit more. did you know there's a free shuttle bus from tampines MRT to ikea? i tried it out and it was pretty good. took about 10-15 minutes. thought of getting some low metal cabinets to put under my desk for storing my stuff, but at 15kg each, there was no way i'd be able to lug 2 of them home on public transport. so, that'll be for another day when i somehow have car access. or maybe i'll get fed up with the unpacking situation and just ask them to deliver. well...i'll get them one way or another; it's only a matter of when. i did end up getting a pair of long-ish chopsticks for cooking and eating with, so it wasn't a wasted trip...although it does seem a little weird to get a chinese thing from a swedish store.

one thing i forgot to mention about yesterday's gym trip was that i cycled there from home. it took like, 10-15 minutes as opposed to 30 on foot, plus i wasn't so tired out by the time i reached. i had a hidden benefit too, in that PLQ staff are given access to a private (locked) bicycle parking area. issue there is the standing rack causes the rubber flap on my rear mudguard to rub against the ground. but even without that, i don't think i'd be cycling to work a lot, on account of having to carry things plus the morning crowd. maybe as my confidence increases?

not much else to say since it's barely been a day since the previous post. did a bit more unpacking and realized that i have more motivation to unpack ASAP - there are cockroach droppings in my boxes. cue my internal screaming. thankfully i'm not squeamish towards cockroaches, but still, there are probably hygiene and other concerns associated with leaving stuff around cockroach poop. the only mitigating factor is that some of my more important/fragile things are protected by an additional layer of ziploc bag. i have half a mind to throw more things out...but i'll give that more thought next weekend.

with what's left of today, the plan is to prep for tomorrow. i threw in an extra pack of meat to cook alongside my dinner, and bought salad from giant. all i need to do tomorrow is boil 2 eggs, sear and cut the meat up, and pack everything into my lunchbox and carrier. as for gym, i'm going to prepare my workout attire and protein shake (just putting the various powders into the container that screws on to the bottom of the shaker) before sleeping. i feel so responsible! let's keep the momentum going.

-random thought of the day: Still feeling some imbalance.-