Numerous things have happened over this past week and a bit, leaving me both happy and frustrated. these feelings are caused by different things, so they don't cancel each other out.

let's start with happy. here's hoping i don't jinx anything. things have been going really well with the date. we've met every weekend since our talk after deepavali. sure, that amounts to a grand total of 2 weekends, but it's a start, and everything has to start somewhere. this past weekend was extra-special. we went to tanjong pagar for dinner on saturday, where we ate at this ramen place. it was the closest thing to an authentic japanese ramen shop i've come across in singapore. this is for 2 reasons: (1) the layout and decor were very similar to the ramen places i'd been to in japan, and (2) it was run by a japanese guy. ramen was good, and was worthy competition to hakata ikkousha just across the road. after that, we spent a while walking around the area. then on the way back, they said that they wanted to see the building where i worked. so we detoured to NUS, and i showed them my block. we then spent around an hour sitting together on the field (well, not directly on. there were mini-bleachers), and just talking. topics of conversation included jin yong novels, NUS halls and residences, our previous dates, my (according to them) depressing slippers, haircare, lip balm, christmas, staycations, and a few other things which have slipped my mind by now. we met up again the very next day, because they had to go back to their office to set up some christmas decor. i went to pick them up after judo, and we went to westgate and JEM for dinner. ate at this atas indian curry place. it was unique because the restaurant actually had a bar, and alcoholic drinks were being served. don't remember when was the last time i saw an indian food establishment selling alcohol. the food was pretty good. most interestingly, we ordered a vegetarian curry, made of green peas in a cashew sauce (think peanut sauce, but with a different nut). it's definitely not something that i would have ordered if i had been eating by myself, due to my (perhaps weird) belief that nuts are meant only to be eaten as a snack, and not together with cooked food. still, it was pretty good. no regrets. we then had dessert and went shopping for groceries and haircare products (for them, not me). all in all, it was a really nice weekend, and i was content.

on the very next day, they asked to meet for dinner. i was surprised, but agreed. the plan was to meet at 6:45pm at kent ridge MRT, but they messaged me at 6:30pm saying that they were already under my block, and that they had something serious to tell me. based on what our last serious conversation was about, i hope you can empathize and understand why i started to panic. nevertheless, i invited them up and met them outside my lab. the "something serious" turned out to be that they took leave that day, and used the time to cook dinner for me! you have absolutely NO IDEA how i felt at that time. it was an odd mixture of relief, elation, and mild anger. relief because they weren't deciding to stop dating, elation because they actually went out of their way to cook despite it not being their strong suit, and mild anger because they got me so worried! thankfully the worry only lasted like 5 minutes. as for the food, the date was so sneaky! when i opened the tupperware, i saw salmon, rice, seaweed, broccoli, carrots, and tomatoes...which was everything we went to buy the previous day! so so sneaky. i really appreciated the effort. and for someone who doesn't cook, the food tasted great. granted, they went a little heavy on the salt, but it was by no means inedible. i was extremely touched that they would go out of their way to do this for me. makes me think that we're in a decent place, and things are looking up. so that's the happy bit.

judo is causing me all sorts of frustration and anger. for the first time in my coming-to 11 years of practising the sport, and since the new people took over, i feel that the battle is hopeless, and that i should stay away from the national federation. reason being that the AGM was just held yesterday, and the same few people are in power. it is my opinion that these people are not in the sport to promote it. rather, they either have their own personal agenda, or are blindly/stupidly following along and being manipulated. i honestly don't have much hope in singapore judo any more. what frustrates me the most is that although i want to give back to the community, i'm being blocked. you're welcome to dispute this, but killing off the kata programme and freezing my referee promotion is evidence enough. what REALLY pisses me off is that the people on top are incompetent. not just in terms of administration, but also in technical knowledge. at the risk of blowing my own trumpet, i dare say i'm more knowledgeable about kata than most of the office bearers. yet, they have thick enough skin to shamelessly promote themselves to higher belt ranks. it may look impressive to the casual bystander, but those in the community will know that their most recent ranks are worthless. after all, they're not endorsed by the international governing body. as if giving me a signal, the remedy by jason mraz came up as i was driving home. one of the lines in the chorus goes, "i...i...i won't worry my life away, -ay -ay -ay, oh oh oh oh". so that's that. i'll do the bare minimum to keep my referee license active, and screw the rest. still will do my part to promote judo of course, but away from the federation until people i respect and can work with come into power. to put it in hokkien terms, i'm "chin sim" already.

looks like the date dozed off after their dinner. can't blame them; they had a long day at work, made worse by the train disruption. as much as i was looking forward to some conversation with them, i suppose their health and well-being is more important. so i figure i'll head to bed and drop them a goodnight message. who knows? they might wake up suddenly and message me back.

-random thought of the day: Starting the habit of writing letters again.-

Remember 3 weeks ago or so, when i said that i felt like i'd been cheated out of my weekend after going to my friend's staycation? had a similar feeling this past weekend. only difference is i didn't feel cheated exactly, but i really wish that the weekend could have been longer. it's more like book-in blues, come to think of it. in fact, if i DID have to go back to camp, i'd probably be in the shower now, if not on my way out of the door already. just some random trivia.

speaking of "random", i realized that i was messed up enough to not include a random thought in my previous post. that's probably happened like less than 5 or 10 times over 12 years and 1400+ posts. not too concerned, really. good news is that over the course of the past 5 days, i've become less messed up, because the other party has cleared my doubts. if you remember, the ex-date didn't want to meet me on tuesday for a particular reason. they then suggested wednedsay, ie. the very next day, to which i agreed. we had dinner at this place at portsdown road called chuckwagon BBQ & grill. as you may have guessed, it's a meat place. being quite out of the way, driving there is highly recommended. plus point: parking is free. the food is good, but doesn't come cheap. i'd say the prices were like 150% above the norm. thankfully, the great ambience and really attentive, friendly service made up for that. overall i'd definitely go back, but only for special occasions and even then, not more than once per 2 or 3 months.

after that, we made a pit stop for petrol, then went to d'good cafe at holland v for round 2, which saw us sharing eggs benedict. i can do poached eggs, but haven't tried to make hollandaise sauce yet. might consider that for a weekend project. anyways, digression aside, i sent them to underneath their block after that, where we had a serious conversation. i basically told them that i was super confused, and due to the mixed signals, i didn't know what our status was. they resolved that pretty quickly, by saying that the 2+ months of distance had given them time to think about it, and they were willing to try again, but at a slower pace. i can deal with that. at the same time, it's not all sunshine and rainbows. they've said that they are still working on breaking down the mental barrier of physical appearance, and i figure that as long as they're trying, i should do my part too. for now, things look good, and i'm happy. additionally, we went for a date yesterday too. it was successful, but i think i messed up a couple of things. mental note: pay more attention to detail and plan my time better. to my surprise, they got me a wallet! i have one already, just that i don't carry it with me. they noticed that i usually just throw everything in my pockets and go about my business, and decided to rectify that i guess. caught me completely by surprise, as did i when i gave them their gift later before they went home. my gift to them is not as practical, but came from a bit of our conversation earlier in the week. they liked it, which is ultimately what's important. helped to reduce the guilt of my mess-ups too, but that's a side-benefit.

reality check time. i would be really happy if this turned into a relationship, and even more so if it would be my first and last serious relationship. but at the same time, i shouldn't expect/demand it. not while we're still dating, at least. all i can do now is to do what i can, in improving myself and making myself a better person for the date, who isn't the ex-date any more. and if somehow, they can't get over the physical image thing despite my efforts, i shouldn't feel bad about walking away. it will hurt, and it will suck, but IF that comes to pass, walking away is for my own good. i have to remember that. for now, i guess i'll enjoy what's going on, but not throw myself in so recklessly and completely. if there's one thing i've learnt, it's to not give 100% too early.

one big positive sign is that the date added me on facebook. previously when i asked, they said that they weren't comfortable enough with me yet. so i guess it's good that the comfort level went up. that aside, looking through their facebook posts has given me some insight into their character, and how the events that have transpired previously has affected them. i'd heard a lot about their ex, and finally got to see a picture. i don't understand why the ex would cheat or whatever, but well, it's the ex's loss. too early right now to say it's my gain, but i'm hoping. more than that, i got to see how badly they were affected when that relationship went south. makes me believe that they're a monogamous person, which would be really reassuring if we were already together. but since it's still the dating phase, i shouldn't look too far ahead. live in the moment.

the reluctance to start a brand-new work week hasn't quite worn off yet. don't know why. hopefully this next week will be a bit smoother, and the upward trend in all areas continues. goodness knows i need a breakthrough in the synthesis.

-random thought of the day: Finish up the unpublished post!-

Started a post earlier in the week, but didn't get around to completing it. i'll go back to it sometime in the future, possibly after publishing this. right now though, something just happened and it's messing quite badly with my head. surprise (or not)! it's about the ex-date. we met again this past sunday to try the multiplayer phone game again. we also agreed to meet for dinner today while i was there. so they suggested going to an eatery at the singapore art museum, which i was fine with.

with that in mind, we proceeded to arrange transport. i suggested that they come down to kent ridge, where i would be in lab, and i'd drive us down from there. it's logical to me, because once i turn out of NUS, i'll hit the AYE and it's a direct route from there. they suggested that i pick them up from buona vista instead, which involves me making a detour up, then coming back down to NUS, to get on the very same entrance onto the AYE that i would have taken if going from kent ridge. and buona vista is only 2 stops from kent ridge. granted, you have to change lines, but still. 2 stops! that's like a 5-minute train trip, and i'd pick them up directly from the station, which means minimal walking is involved. somehow, this didn't sit well with them, and they told me that they'd meet me directly at the venue at 6:00pm. it's weird, but sure. i agreed.

some time later, around 2:00pm, they messaged again to change the venue to westgate mall. their reason was that it's closer to both NUS and their place, and i had suggested going there initially. since i was still in the lab and hadn't started travelling, i agreed again. then fast forward to like 4:30pm. they suddenly cancelled altogether, due to a legitimate reason. in the interest of keeping things PG-13, i won't reveal what exactly it was. the important thing is that it's my fault. i recognize and acknowledge this, so that's fine. i feel that it's nothing to make such a big fuss about, but evidently it was important to them. so i agreed (a bit reluctantly) to reschedule. we had a brief chat about not understanding other people's behaviour, but respecting people's choices anyway. THEN, stuff happened. they asked me why i was so unwilling to pick them up at buona vista, and that it would have been sweet if i did to that. my batman sense went off at the word "sweet". "sweet" is not an adjective that is commonly used between friends. i mean, i do use it now and then jokingly with the chem kids or my JC friends, but they know i don't mean it seriously.

let me just digress here. the last official word is that we're friends, right? so why should i do sweet things for them? if it had been a chem kid instead, i would have suggested the exact same thing, ie. meet at kent ridge, then drive down together. in fact, that's what we did for some of our previous guild house outings, and there was absolutely no issue at all. i guess what kind of bugs me is that despite being just friends, the ex-date expects some kind of extra-special treatment. i'd previously thought that they were being a little too friendly, but decided to just shake it off. i'm about 45% sure that they might want to start dating again, but i'm not quite sure how to handle it, or if the percentage changed after what happened tonight. my biggest clue came from one of the last few messages of our exchange, where they commented, "you can be so dense". that's a warning bell if i ever saw one. not going to attempt to rationalize it now; meeting my JC friend soon. he might be able to help me work through what's going on.

-random thought of the day: -

Cooler weather tends to get me in a philosophical mood, and rain over the past few days has lowered the temperatures at night. as i was leaning on the car for a bit of bonding time after a pretty long drive earlier on, i just thought to myself that nothing is permanent, everything is transient. the picture i came up with was (unsurprisingly,) a road trip. like, you start stepping on the accelerator the moment you're born, and the trip ends when you die. only difference is that your progress isn't measured in distance, but in time. along the way, people may join you on the road, and even drive alongside you for months, maybe even years. eventually though, they'll take a different exit/turn, by making different decisions, or just fading out of your life. i dare say that nobody will travel the exact same path as you, and even if they do, they will probably perceive things differently from you.

that decisions thing kind of leads to another thought that i've been meaning to blog about. it goes, 'everything you've ever done in your life has led to you being at this current point'...or something like that. the basic idea is that all the choices that you've made in the past, no matter how inconsequential, are responsible for shaping the present you and your current situation. to use a bit of a gross example, let's say you're suffering from extreme food poisoning, and are stuck in the toilet. that's because you chose to eat something that was contaminated in the past. knowingly or unknowingly is a separate issue, but your decision to eat the thing resulted in your current suffering. gross toilet example aside, it does sounds kind of grand on a cosmic scale. at the same time, it could also be interpreted as "actions have consequences" on a massive scale, which severely reduces the grand factor.

speaking of decisions, actions, and consequences, i haven't been to the gym so far this week. i could come up with a multitude of reasons, and some of them would be valid. but in retrospect, i guess i had a few lazy days. nothing really wrong with that, just that i'd better make sure this doesn't persist. and the gym upgraded its online system, so members can now see various statistics. my average number of gym visits is 2.something per week. lower than i'd thought. and my membership is expiring next january. not sure yet, but i might not be re-signing with them. it's not their fault; facilities are adequate, coaches are great. just that with the impending move to sengkang (end of the month), i don't think i'll be able to pull the same stuff off, like beat the ERP there, then have an early day in school. i don't know yet. whatever it is, i guess i have to go every day for the remainder of the week to bring my average up.

last point before i head to sleep. it's about the ex-date. i think they're sincere about being friends, because they invited me, along with a few other people, to their house for dinner. i always have a soft spot for home-cooked meals, so i agreed. dinner itself was fine, with amazing food and nice polite conversation that continued even after dinner. just getting to know each other, though i was already previously acquainted with a few people there. then, the other guests left, while i stayed behind to test the multiplayer function on a couple of games. and in the midst of that, something else happened. it's nothing bad, and i don't regret it. but i am hell of a confused, because of the mixed signals. perhaps i'm overthinking things. should learn to take a step back, take it easy, and see how things develop without worrying too much. whatever the case, i'm very clear that we're just friends, good friends at best. even then, some non-rational emotional (and hormonal) part of me is kind of hoping for a repeat performance. well...we'll see. if it happens, good, if it doesn't, so be it. i'll survive.

-random thought of the day: Blog about Baby Steps.-