Youtube and final fantasy have been invaluable in helping me pass the time over the past few months. i've spoken at length about final fantasy in previous posts, covering topics like playing the game itself as well as various situations that have inevitably arisen as a result of a group of humans interacting with each other. oh! i don't think i've talked about dinner last friday. a few of us (guild management) met up for dinner at yishun. it's the first time i've seen them since...february? yeah, february - at the big outing when our malaysian friend flew over (and when lawyer guy was in attendance too). due to COVID-related regulations, we had to limit our party size to 5. dinner was at this korean place called bonchon. i'm not a huge fan of korean food, due to the lacklustre options offered in typical food courts. i suppose that like with japanese food, i should base my opinion on something slightly more...specialist? authentic? traditional? something along that line. the korean food experience at bonchon was much more positive, and by that i mean the food tasted much better than a korean stall in a food court. i was particularly impressed by the army stew, which we added cheese to. but my favourite dish that night would probably be the truffle cream tteokbokki (korean rice cake). the sauce was, well, creamy (yes, roll your eyes) and the truffle aroma/flavour was sufficiently strong. i liked that they used onion slices as well, for some sharpness and crunch.

short digression. i still don't get the romanization of korean words. i've seen inconsistencies, like i've seen the character "뽀" being romanized as both "bbo" and "ppo" by different sources. on top of that, i don't understand the syllable organization in korean words. it's straightforward in japanese - each syllable is generally made up of one consonant and one vowel, and that's represented by one japanese character. example: "mi" is represented by "み". of course, there are certain complications, like compound words, where one syllable is made up of a combination of characters (ぎょ is read as "gyo"); and double consonants like いって (itte), where the small つ is an indicator that the subsequent consonant is repeated; and long vowels. the only reason i can explain it half-decently is that i've studied japanese, and understand the language. as for korean, i don't know how words/letters are grouped up, but that's mainly because i have next to no knowledge of the korean language. apparently, the korean alphabet is easier to learn than the japanese one, so i should be able to make some headway into it even through self-study alone.

after dinner, we went to one of their houses to chat a bit more, finish up the chicken that we took away from the restaurant, and get chocolate. a shop in the airport was having ridiculous discounts (up to 80%!) and our friend bought some (a lot) for us. i think he only paid about $50 for $115 worth of chocolate! i was gifted some ferrero rocher, a couple small blocks of ritter sport, as well as lindt sea salt dark chocolate and chili dark chocolate. the chili chocolate was the one i was looking forward to trying the most. it wasn't killer spicy, just a slight heat towards the end. i quite liked it! the sea salt one tasted as expected; it's a pair that's known to work. ritter sport and ferrero rocher are commercial/famous enough, so i got exactly what i expected.

apart from chocolate and watching other guild members sing virtual karaoke, we also talked about various topics, like certain issues involving certain guild members. although i think that i'm in an inner circle in the guild, i'm not sure if i'm in the innermost circle. but that's fine; i'm perfectly happy where i am now. some things that were brought up surprised me, because i had no idea of their existence. after all, private communications exist, and therefore perfect knowledge does not. but i'm happy that we feel comfortable enough to share what might be considered more personal/intimate issues. of course, you could argue that since these issues involve guild members, there is a need for management to at least be aware that the issues exist, even if we don't feel the need to get involved just yet.

one thing i was reminded of recently is that i value reciprocation a lot. the theme ran throughout the whole episode with letter guy as well. but that aside, the guild management gained my trust by placing their trust in me. like, although we refer to each other by our in-game names even when meeting in person, we all know each other's actual names now. and the only reason i felt comfortable enough to disclose this info to them is because they did it first. i guess apart from adding an additional layer of trust, it also adds an additional layer of security...because we know each other on a deeper level, there's less likely to be backstabbing and dishonesty in-game as well. the most obvious example would be if any of us felt the temptation to steal money and/or items from the guild, the fact that the rest of the management committee knows our personal details would be a huge deterrent to do so.

another thing i learnt is to make things seem like not a big deal. like yesterday, the guild leader asked me to add him to facebook so that he could give me editing rights to our guild page. he did it so casually, too! come to think of it, it probably wasn't a big deal for him. he's been known to give out his actual physical address in guild chat, after all. i wonder if i could pull off something similar with lawyer guy. just like casually say to him "hey add me on facebook!" or "let's go for dinner!" or "i think you're a really great guy, let's date!" ok...that last one is still way beyond my capability, but you get the idea.

if i'm not playing final fantasy (or sometimes even when i'm playing), i'll have youtube open on my second screen, just for some background noise. i'll also watch videos, of course, when i'm not playing and have nothing to do. right now, the channel recommendations i get are mainly for cooking/food, dogs/pets, the odd cartoon, comics, and QI, which is a UK gameshow-type thing about general knowledge/trivia and misconceptions. a couple of days ago, and unexpected recommendation showed up. it was about phone scams. or more accurately, it was about phone scammers getting scammed in return. this practice is called scambaiting, and i must say that i find it really entertaining. the scambaiter whose videos i've been watching on youtube is based in the US, and the videos that he uploads centre on indian scammers operating mostly what's called a "refund scam", where a caller calls under the guise of being from a reputable company, and credits a (nonexistent) refund into the victim's bank account. a larger-than-expected sum will then be credited "by accident", and the scammer then asks the victim to purchase the difference in stored-value gift cards, the codes of which are them given to the scammer, and the scam is complete. since he does an awesome job of pointing out the various inconsistencies in the scam, i won't spend additional time on that. instead, i want to talk about the scammer and the victim.

starting with the victim, it seems that most people who fall prey to these scams are senior citizens, and the scambaiter tends to pose as an elderly man or woman in his videos. he does pose as people of varying age too, like women in their twenties. it's kind of despicable, because most young, tech-savvy people would not fall for this scam. a key feature of these scams is that the victim has to give the scammer remote access to the computer. nobody aged below 40 would do that for someone that they barely know. so, it's kind of despicable that scammers end up preying on the elderly due to this "natural selection".

next, about the scammers. look, i think scamming is wrong and do not endorse it in any form, especially in these cases where there are real-life consequences, like money being lost. i also understand that senior citizens may not be as sharp or knowledgeable to detect scams. but at the same time, a part of me wonders if people really are that gullible to fall for the scam. for starters, the scammers can barely hold the lie together. they start off with a fake american accent, introducing themselves with western names. as the call goes on, the american accent transitions to a heavy indian accent with so many mispronunciations, stresses on atypical words in a sentence, and incorrect set phrases ("you will be behind the bars"). sure, you could argue that american tech companies do outsource jobs to india, but even then, there are minimum standards to get employed, right? things like speaking and writing english well. and more importantly, these are supposed to be customer service agents. they talk over the victim, raise their voice, and use profanity (including cursing in their native language)...things that customer service people are not supposed to do at all. of course, what i've seen is them on the phone with someone who's trolling them, so the agitation shows through. i'm sure most of the actual victims are more compliant and the scammers rarely get similarly worked up. i did notice that they have a few oft-repeated phrases, like "do one thing for me". they literally repeat it tens of times to get the victim's attention. lastly, that they're so fixated on gift cards is a dead giveaway that they have nefarious purposes.

i must admit, the entertainment value of the videos is unexpectedly high. the conversations are the furthest thing from professional. the scambaiter uses pop culture references that any american (or person exposed to american culture) would get immediately. his character names include william mayzear (aka. billy mays here) and ann teeq (antique, fittingly used for an old lady persona). not just that, he'll throw in literally random gibberish into the conversation and the scammer will just blindly agree. like he went on a spiel about how 42 was the meaning of life, and the confused scammer just said yes to everything. he also fact-checks them, by casually saying something incorrect...usually cities and the states they belong in. none of the scammers have called him out on it so far, which proves that they're not legit. it makes for really amazing viewing, though. the most impressive thing that this guy managed to do is to get the scammers to do ridiculous things on the phone with him, like pretending to be santa claus for a (nonexistent) grandchild, asking a (nonexistent) love interest out on a date on his behalf, singing happy birthday, and i think the biggest achievement was getting a scammer to get on video chat. so, applying my earlier question to the flipside, how can the scammers fall for the reverse scam!? i'm guessing that it's mainly greed. if i was given the choice to endure weird things for a few hours or days with a good chance of a huge cash payout to the tune of thousands (or tens of thousands) of dollars, i would give it serious thought. after all, the earnings rate might work out to a few thousand dollars an hour. it seems that the victims are suckered into the scam by greed and/or fear (the scammers will threaten to send police or freeze the bank accounts or lock the computers), while the scammers get reverse-scammed mostly due to greed. one scammer was so blinded by greed that he didn't even pick up that the gift card code read to him was "Y0UR $C4M W0NT W0RK".

a thought came to me, whether scambaiting would work in singapore. granted, we get mostly chinese-speaking scammers, so a scambaiter operating here would have to speak chinese fluently. i don't have the necessary language or technical skills, so i don't think that i'd be very successful. seems like the youtube scambaiter uses virtual machines, fake webpages, spoofed phone numbers, and lots of other technological tricks that are way beyond me. for someone who has no experience in advanced computing, the way i get back at the scammers is to just yell "六四天安门事件" when i get a call. that translates to "june 4th tiananmen incident". word is that just having that phrase appear in a chat box on a device connected to chinese internet will result in the connection being cut. but more often than not, i simply hang up. don't want to waste time on them.

that's all for now. there's no update from the japan embassy, so i'll give them a ring tomorrow. i'm hoping that there won't be any delays.

-random thought of the day: Half the year is over!-

Suddenly, i've got a lot of stuff to talk about. quite unexpected, considering that the last post was just yesterday. but i guess that's how events unfolded.

politics first. so, remember i mentioned the candidate who was condemned by people from various phases of his life? he withdrew his candidacy last night. another candidate, who was accused of behaving like an asshole several years earlier in his role as a military officer, and who recently changed his name from something that sounded foreign (indonesian) to something that sounded more local (chinese), also withdrew his candidacy *correction: it appears that he's still running*. it further supports my conviction to not get involved in politics at all, as everything that can be dug up will be dug up and put on public display. even then, there were some differences between these two cases. the first guy stuck to his guns and tried to deflect the accusations by saying that he was not involved in corruption (nobody accused him of that) and something about his mother (who a netizen had said was friendly; the candidate was the only one identified as having a problem). is that what's called a straw man fallacy? according to google, "A straw man fallacy occurs when someone takes another person's argument or point, distorts it or exaggerates it in some kind of extreme way, and then attacks the extreme distortion, as if that is really the claim the first person is making." going by that...maybe. i'd call it diverting from the main point of the argument, and not facing the accusations head-on. i think he faced such a tremendous backlash because most people have met such a person in their lives, and everyone knows the feeling of being put down, sometimes unnecessarily cruelly. the candidate in the second case attempted to defend himself, but i didn't really bother reading up on it. after all, it seems that he's not running any more. but in terms of how each situation was handled, i think the second guy did better than the first...although there's new news that the person (military personnel) who whistleblew (whistleblowed? blew the whistle?) on the second guy is facing repercussions within the SAF. so...we'll see how that develops.

as for the second guy changing his name, i don't know why he did it, but one comment made online stood out to me. that comment basically said that if he ran using his original indonesian-sounding name, there would be an outcry from more xenophobic people about more "foreign talents" in parliament. and now that he changed his name, people are accusing him of forsaking his roots and trying to fit in. basically, he'd be screwed no matter what as long as he intended to run. so i guess he chose what he thought was the lesser of two evils at that time? maybe a better compromise might have been to keep his original name, then append a chinese name/alias to it. we'll never know.

somehow, these two prospective candidates were from the ruling party. it's been pointed out that these two episodes, from start to finish, lasted less than a week in total. in comparison, some candidates from the opposition have had their names dragged through the mud for decades, no exaggeration. it kind of gives you some perspective on what members of the opposition have had to endure, and more impressively, how they haven't given up even now. for those who can visualize better with numbers, 7 days is 0.19% of 10 years. it's tremendously increased my respect for members of the opposition, because i don't think that i could endure that. while on that note, i also want to say that i don't think these 2 candidates were targeted just because they were going to be fielded by the ruling party. there's another candidate from the ruling party, a former general, who's received nothing but glowing reviews and praise from his subordinates. so rather than this being a partisan issue, i think it boils down most to the individuals' characters. to use examples from my own life, if my former OC or my professor were to enter politics (not likely, but assuming), i'd support them no matter which party they ran under. it also shows the trend that candidates who want to hold public office should really be beacons of good character. i can only imagine the field day that the media would have if these scandals had surfaced in the opposition. with the advent of the internet, the field of political battle has changed drastically. i'm grateful that we're not just fed perspectives from one side.

one of my friends said that he feels that it's ok for politicians to be assholes, as long as they get the job done. i respectfully disagree. politicians, MPs in particular, are supposed to look after their constituent members. a certain degree of compassion is required. reminds me of some professors back when i was in university. they published in good journals and did interesting science, but their students were always super stressed. not the kind of work culture that i prefer. but that's different...a professor directs research, whereas an MP is supposed to serve the citizens. in fact, there was yet more dirt dug up, this time on an incumbent MP, who displayed an appalling lack of compassion by telling his resident to "faster get married" if she wanted to solve a housing-related problem. that's just messed up, man.

is that everything for politics? for now, i guess. there are still 13 days to polling day, so let's see what else happens between then and now. let's move on to work. in preparation for a partial return of students to the various centre locations, we were asked to go back since friday to conduct online classes in the centres. and as luck would have it, i was assigned a class today. knowing that there might be issues especially after close to 3 months of not being in the centres, i specifically asked them to confirm that i had access to the virtual classroom for the class that i was to cover. my mentor assured me that access would be given, and told me to highlight again if there were issues. guess what? access wasn't given! now, i wouldn't normally be so upset...but in this case, i had specifically highlighted my lack of access early, only to find that it wasn't resolved. at the same time, i do have to be clear about who to blame - i do not blame my mentor for this. in fact, i'm grateful that she helped to raise the issue to the people who should have given me access, and not having received a timely response from the people who were actually at fault, she solved the problem by giving me the direct link to the virtual classroom. that aside, class was pretty uneventful. the delay in getting my access also meant that i had less time to cover the materials, and consequently couldn't finish. thankfully, the colleague who i was covering was super understanding, and even logged in while on leave just to make sure that things were running smoothly. i'm also grateful that i had to go back, because it meant that i had to wear my work clothes...which have gotten noticeably tighter. thought that i did an ok job of controlling my intake, but apparently not. either that, or a significantly higher output is required. actually, it's both. will talk more about this in a separate post.

during the staff meeting last week, a few of my colleagues highlighted that they did not feel involved in the decision-making process, and that the higher-ups did not take their opinions into account. perhaps more worryingly, the higher-ups do not seem to be placing emphasis on teachers' health and safety, due to policies like teachers having to collect students' hard-copy worksheets, sterilize the classroom in between classes, and some other stuff. i can kind of see their reasoning. personally, i didn't really think of it that way, because my risk is somewhat mitigated by the lower number of classes that i have, as well as the fact that i'll be resigning soon-ish. maybe i'd be more concerned if similar policies are enacted by my school in japan, which i incidentally still have not received news about! 2 more days till the end of the month...i'll call or email on on wednesday if there's still nothing heard by then, i guess.

last big point for today - letter guy. remember that i said i did what could be considered a bridge-burning move? that bridge-burning move was to alert his school that he had contacted me under false pretences of wanting to learn more about my research. the school told me that he'd been talked to and assured me that he'd undertaken not to contact me again, without revealing if any disciplinary action had been taken, so i wrote in to ask for clarification. my actions apparently struck a nerve, because there was an angry letter (which i didn't read) in the google drive where he saves whatever he wants to say to me. how do i know that the letter was angry without reading it? there was a bit of red text, and the word "narcissist" caught my eye. let me tell you why i think that's ridiculous. first off, let's define narcissism according to google - "a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others." if i were to put it simply, narcissists feel like every single situation is all about them, and they crave for attention. the first half of the definition applies here - it is all about me in this case. but the second part, about craving for attention, is the exact opposite. i never asked for his attention. it is his actions that have led to this problem being all about me.

here's the timeline:
2017 - we started talking, and i blocked him after a few months because he was getting abusive due to frustration that i wouldn't meet up with him.
intervening years (2018/2019?) - he put together a comprehensive profile of me, including my education history, old class photos, and NUS research lab.
march 2020 - he initiated contact by hand-delivering a letter to my physical address, which he deduced from a photo that i'd sent him.
april 2020 - he sent a second letter by post, and i stupidly replied.
may 2020 - he informed me that he contacted my postdoc and professor under the pretext of asking about my research in an attempt to get my contact details.
june 2020 - i informed his school about him contacting people i worked with.

so, tell me. what did i do to deserve this again? he acknowledges that he's violated my privacy and trust, and that he's forsaken some of his own morals in his desperation to get in touch with me. what's worse is that he said that he was prepared to accept any consequence, but judging from his reaction...apparently not. i have to acknowledge that nothing he did was illegal, but it certainly was immoral/unethical. but there's a difference between what's right and what's legal. my favourite example: section 377(a) of the penal code. men are breaking the law if they have sex with other men, which makes sexually-active gay men (and some bi guys too) criminals. but that's a lengthy philosophical discussion best saved for another time. back to the main issue - am i a narcissist? i'd say no. there are certain things that i can let go, and contacting people in my social circles that you shouldn't have access to is not one of them. in retrospect, i think i was too indulgent, partially because he sounded all regretful and apologetic, and partially because i was impressed that he'd managed to figure my address out. N, who read some of my previous posts about this, expressed his surprise that i was not more angry/upset about this. i replied that i wasn't upset because he put the profile together based on stuff that i'd disclosed to him, and stuff that was publicly available on the internet. N said that that's not how a normal person would use the info, which made me think a bit. well...i have no intention of contacting him again, or reading that last letter. it's something that i'm "by-right" not supposed to know about, since i shouldn't bother myself with that any more. and since he put it on the internet, it doesn't qualify as "contacting me". i did notice some screenshots though, of an instant-message conversation. not sure what the conversation might be about, who it might be with, and i'm not going to bother either. whether the school does or doesn't impose disciplinary consequences, i'll accept their decision and move on. i think his one mistake is feeling that he is still of some/any importance to me, and that i'd be happy to hear from him again. after his episode of trying to force me to meet him...nah. i can honestly say that i've never thought about reconnecting with him since i blocked him. if the "reunion" had been less forced, i might have reacted more positively. but well...what's done is done. i can honestly say at this point in time, i have zero desire to continue any interaction with him, and i suspect that the feeling is mutual by now. better for me, if that's the case. but yes, i'll consider the matter closed after i get the email from the school. lesson for me - don't overestimate how welcome i may be to some people, including lawyer guy.

right, i think i'm written out for now. just going to do some mindless crafting and socializing in final fantasy.

-random thought of the day: Car servicing this coming week?-

A saying goes "if you smell poop everywhere you go, check the soles of your shoes". or, simply put, if you constantly face problems, maybe you are the problem. i have two examples where this saying might be applied - one personal, one in the public eye.

starting with the personal example, i've had a couple of engagements over the past few days, and drove to the venues. along most of the trips, i met with morons on the road like a cyclist who was cycling away from the side of the road, and a van who tried to filter into my lane with me in the way. i really wonder if it's me. you could say that i'm not gracious enough to give way, and you wouldn't be wrong. from my point of view, i'm observing the rules of the road, which have been put in place to prevent accidents. if i give way, it's a bonus, and should not be expected. in the case with the van, vehicles going straight have right of way over vehicles wanting to filter in. that's just logic and good sense. if filtering vehicles had the right of way, traffic would be so much more chaotic as vehicles going straight would have to brake for other vehicles. yet, the idiot driving the van decided it would be worth it to miss his exit on the expressway to chase behind me and express his displeasure. no skin off my nose, since i was heading along my intended route anyway.

the cyclist case struck more of a nerve with me, because i have strong opinions about non-engine-based vehicles using the roads. the very fact that they don't possess an internal combustion engine means that they travel relatively slower, and have lower top speeds. even for those motorized bicycles, the motor is only meant as an assist. so what it means is that they travel slowly on the leftmost lane, which is annoying when vehicles want to turn left and they end up blocking the way. worse still are the packs of road cyclists who cycle along frequently-used roads. i've seen some cycling along lornie road on a sunday morning before. and they have this attitude of "oh, we should share the road". i would, if you could go as fast as my car and not force me to crawl along behind you. the absolute worst is when they have an entitled mindset, like that idiot cyclist who damaged a lorry's side mirror and subsequently caused the lorry to swerve into him. what's more, given that cyclists are simply more vulnerable in the event of an accident, any motorist involved in an accident with a cyclist is almost guaranteed to take on some liability. to me, it's simple. if you want to use the road, pay road tax. the next question would then be how to calculate road tax for a vehicle without an engine, since road tax is calculated based on engine capacity here. so, either the LTA comes up with a new method for bicycles, or mandates that bicycles don't belong on the road as they don't have engines. to be fair though, it's a failure in the system. i guess the government never imagined that bicycles would become popular as a form of transport, and that long-distance cycling would become popular as a form of exercise. thus, they never planned for dedicated bicycle paths except for those in parks. but this failure isn't being mitigated by the current inaction, either.

i guess i'll leave it to you to decide if i'm the one who should be at fault. i do admit that my temper gets the better of me, especially when i think that the other party is in the wrong. it's justifiable to me, but my perspective is biased since i'm directly involved. i remember the ex and i talked about this on a couple of occasions. like, he'd ask me why i didn't just let the moron go first, or why it was such a big deal to me that someone cut me off in traffic. there was one occasion when we were in queue for something or another, and a man with 2 kids deliberately cut in front of us. guess what? the ex was the first to tell that guy off and indicate that there was a queue. see the inconsistency? i suppose it could be argued that the stakes are higher in a moving vehicle vs in a stationary queue of people, but still. it's the same principle.

elections are around the corner, despite the still present and very real threat of COVID. i still question the wisdom of holding an election now, and whether it would lead to a second wave of infections. but that's not the main point today. the main point, in relation to the saying mentioned earlier, is regarding a potential candidate who is likely to be standing for election this time round. i think all politicians expect to be put under public scrutiny, especially around election period. i highly doubt this candidate expected people from his polytechnic, NS, and work days to speak out against him. some claims that i've read online allege that he's elitist, selfish, and doesn't consider the welfare of his subordinates. it's all the more interesting, because as far as i know, this has NEVER happened to any candidate, whether majority or opposition. some people shouldn't be entrusted with power, and if all those claims are true, i think that this guy falls into that category. the thing that sells it for me is the consistency of the claims. look at the timeline. typically, people enter polytechnic straight out of secondary school, ie. at 17 years old. the candidate in question is 42 this year. the comments span a period of 25 years, which is more than half of his current lifespan. and we're expected to believe that he will change for the better if he's elected to parliament? you've got to be joking! there are people whom i'd take a chance on, given the right circumstances...but this is neither the right person or the right circumstance in my view.

perhaps what's more telling is that as far as i know, nobody has stood up in defense of this candidate, save for a non-apology statement released by the party's press/media team. people have been commenting on social media about the stunts that this guy has pulled, but nobody has even attempted to justify any of them (mainly because most of them can't be justified except by saying that he's of poor character - aka. he's an asshole). objectively, i can overlook one story about him forcing his company to book in early, because of the SAF's rules about having sufficient rest. but i can't find any redemption for him regarding the other accounts. unfortunately for me, this candidate is unlikely to be contesting in my constituency, so i can't do my part to make sure he doesn't get elected.

reading about this also made me do some introspection. like, if i was fielded as a candidate, what might people say about me? the most obvious would be the whole gay thing, which would by default disqualify me from standing as a candidate; not due to legal reasons or whatever, but by the amount of mudslinging that any party that endorses me would have to endure. but putting that aside, i guess that people would remember me as that weird kid from school days. while i don't think i did anything really harmful, there are things from my past that i'm not proud about either, and that i wouldn't want being exposed to the public. besides, given my personality, i'm not one that likes to be put in the limelight. don't get me wrong, the benefits of being an MP are great - about $200000 per year ($16000 per month) in MP allowance alone, on top of whatever you make in your day job. yes, the majority of MPs hold multiple appointments. but still...i don't know.

-random thought of the day: Going back to the centre tomorrow!-

Woke up today thinking that it was thursday. probably because i blogged about my thursday meeting yesterday. nothing much to say, considering that it's only been a day, but i do want to get an interesting dream down on paper. well, not literal paper, but you know what i mean.

the memorable part of the dream quite short. i was in the lab, doing some synthesis at my old fume hood. midway through a reaction, my junior came up and asked me to help her synthesize some cisplatin, which is the kind of fundamental basic molecule that most of our work starts from. what really shocked me was that i still remembered the masses of each reagent required - 2g of potassium hexachloroplatinate, 1.6g of ammonium acetate, and 2g of potassium chloride per 50mL of water. i'm confident that i'm not giving any secrets away, because this procedure's been published in a journal in...1994, i think? moreover, i'm not even talking about the synthetic steps here, although i will say that my lab did modify the protocol a little for cleaner product and easier purification, and that's something which i teach my students within the first 2 days of them working in the lab. almost makes me miss lab work. almost. i don't think i'm ready to step back into the world of hardcore science.

-random thought of the day: What interesting dreams will i have tonight?-

Muscle soreness is often associated with intense physical activity, like exercise. the intensity and duration of the soreness is related to how the muscles were used, and the general fitness of the person in question. as another indicator of how horribly unfit i've become, i'm feeling sore in my hamstrings and back after about 2.5 hours of moderate physical activity, and the soreness is persisting even after close to 48 hours! it really makes me wonder how i can even start again on exercise after this period of inactivity. i suppose the answer is "slowly", but knowing the answer doesn't make the process any easier.

the physical activity came from cutting up old judo mats for disposal. surprisingly, despite the mats' apparent thickness and density, all that was required for the job was a penknife (aka. a box cutter). i suppose it helped that i used blades that were new, and therefore sharp. that, and the mats were old and in pretty bad condition. 3 of us got through 12 mats out of a total of 18, meaning that we should be able to wrap everything up easily by this coming sunday. that's one thing off our minds, as well as one problem solved for our affiliate. another after-effect of cutting and moving the mats is that i feel strain in my forearms and fingers as well. but compared to the muscle ache described earlier, the feeling in my arms/hands reminds me more of tendon/ligament strain. i suppose it's natural that my grip strength and associated function has weakened after laying off judo for a good 4 years...although i'd still like to think that i'm doing ok relative to other people of my age. it never hurt to train more, i guess, just to build it up again.

june is almost ending, so i should be receiving news on my posting and other JET matters soon. so far, the embassy has been good on their promised deadlines (30 march is still within march, so yes) and i have no reason to think that they would miss their next stated deadline of within june. the biggest piece of information in the upcoming update should be confirmation of my placement, ie. i'll find out where in japan i'll be teaching for the first year at least. i'm still operating on the assumption that JET is going to carry on as per normal, but honestly, i don't know how true/valid that assumption is. out of curiosity, i went to check on travel restrictions to japan, and singapore is still on the list of countries that are facing an outright travel ban by japan. the JET threads on reddit are similarly pessimistic, with lots of uncertainty and some people second-guessing their choice to accept the offer. personally, i don't have a plan b, and at this point in time, there's really not much i can do as far as making a plan b goes. i suppose the main consolation for me is that this is a government-sanctioned program, so it would be reasonable to assume that the government would give special consideration to make things go as smoothly as possible. the best case is that everything proceeds as planned, and we go over in september. worst case is they call the whole thing off and tell us to reapply for next year's intake, on an equal footing with the new applicants. but while that is a possible scenario, i think it's improbable enough that i don't have to take it into consideration. i'd like to believe that what will actually happen will be the best-case scenario, or at least close to it. but for now, all i can do is wait until official word comes.

still working under the assumption that i'll be leaving in september, there are still some things left on my to-do list. i have a draft post here that i started in march or so, listing out things that i have to do before i fly. that list has had items added and cancelled as appropriate, and is currently at about half of its original length...so that's concrete evidence that things are moving along, even though it feels like the world's been at a standstill for far too long.

got some news on the tuition front, that there may be some new developments. we're set to have an update/meeting/training session tomorrow, where i expect we'll learn more about things to come in the following weeks/months. as you know, i'm in two minds about resuming physical classes, but i figure that like JET, there's not much point worrying until clear direction is given. thankfully, the wait isn't as long as the one for JET.

for some reason, i haven't been sleeping well recently. might be the leaky air-con (which i really should arrange to have fixed), or just the combination of an overactive mind and an underactive body. at this point, i'm thinking that i should probably try to go out for walks and stuff, since the restrictions have eased. in fact, it seems that a lot of exercise places, like gyms, have plans to reopen sometime in the next week. and if most people think like i do, they'll try to go in for a workout, and the place will be at maximum allowed capacity, leading to a higher risk of transmitting the virus. maybe i should stick to outdoor walks first. the virus apparently spreads more effectively in enclosed spaces. makes me wonder why the government is so eager to hold elections, too. i mean, we have until april 2021. even postponing it 6 months wouldn't exceed the deadline. i'm sure that there's a reason behind this rush, but whether it's a good/logical reason or not...i don't know. i'm just hoping that we don't see a second wave of infections.

-random thought of the day: Feeling a little burnt out.-

Phase 2 of circuit breaker started yesterday (well technically 11:59pm on thursday, so as good as yesterday), and there are already pictures of shopping malls and other public places being crowded with people. i don't get it...isn't now the time to be even more cautious? i mean, i'm happy that restrictions are being lifted and people have a larger degree of freedom, but is there really a NEED to rush out of the house on day one of phase 2? it makes no sense to me, especially considering that community spreading is a thing. while i can't control the actions of others, i'm still going to minimize unnecessary contact for another 2-3 weeks at least, just to make sure everything stabilizes.

some quick updates from various sections of life - we have to do some waste disposal for kurash, as one of our training partners is closing their venue. it's not a difficult project, but it is highly inconvenient and will take a lot of time and effort. thankfully, our inextensible deadline is about a month away, so we still have a fair bit of buffer time.

had a sudden runny nose yesterday. don't think it's COVID-related...more like a sudden allergy flare-up. might be a sign that i need to clean my room again. definitely have to do some garbage disposal, probably later today or tomorrow. and i suppose a round of vacuuming wouldn't hurt.

normally, i'm one of those quick to anger, quick to cool down types (as you may have guessed from my driving style). that holds true only below a certain threshold. beyond that...i can be rather vindictive. letter guy's actions crossed that threshold. so, i did something that may be considered a bridge-burning move. i'm waiting for an update, so i can't say anything more...but i hope that things work out in my favour and that there are some consequences for him.

that's it for now, i think? tempted to cancel tomorrow's appointment with the judo elder due to the scratchiness in my throat, but we'll see how i feel later tonight. trying to salvage the situation now by drinking lots of water (more so than usual), so hopefully that counts for something. was planning on doing a bit of raid progression, now that i've seen the entire fight, but i don't think my brain can handle that right now. the last few mechanics look kind of complicated, but should be doable if broken down into small parts. perhaps when i'm feeling better.

-random thought of the day: Why, allergies!?-

Time to do some mental spring-cleaning, starting with a couple of weird dreams over the past few nights.

weird dream #1 was very marvel-centric. to be more specific, it involved multiple characters from spiderman. i was kraven the hunter, and i was engaged in an aerial battle with the vulture. marvel fans might see that i was at a severe disadvantage, as kraven can't fly. we crashed onto the roof of a skyscraper, and went to investigate for some reason. i went into what looked like a hospital ward, and had to avoid armed guards...kind of like metal gear solid. somehow, i discovered a hidden door which was triggered by a patient's bed controls. that door led to a cloning facility where man-spider clones were being made by morbius the living vampire. there was also something about a safe, but i don't recall exactly what. there was also a rampage through the hospital, but that's all i remember.

last night, i dreamt that i was retaking my A-levels this year, and that my exam dates were affected by COVID. in a case of my dreams echoing real life, i also dreamt about being in a panic for maths, because i didn't know a lot of the content. in fact, i distinctly remembered a question from my actual A-level exam about 3D trigonometry. and yes, even today, 14 years later, i have no idea how to do it. quite odd, really. i remember most of the syllabus for physics, chemistry, and econs, but very very little for maths. might be my brain blocking out the trauma. the few main topics that stand out in my mind are something about polynomials (the cover-up rule), mathematical induction (which i never really got), and statistics. i really think i subconsciously gave up on maths towards the latter half of J2, to the point where no matter how much/hard i studied, nothing seemed to sink in. the effort to result ratio was disproportionately imbalanced in contrast to my science subjects. odd thing though, is that i'll occasionally watch educational videos about those same mathematical concepts, when youtube recommends them to me. i'll actually understand what's going on in the videos, and even find them interesting! but yes, i've long accepted that while i may think that maths is interesting, i will never be good enough to make a career out of anything mathematical.

in more real news, we're set to go into phase 2 of the COVID plan. i am quite worried about the timeline. you see, the circuit breaker was originally planned to last a month. it then got extended for another month due to the infection rate and number of cases still remaining relatively high. we came out of circuit breaker and started phase 1 on 01 june. phase 2 is set to begin on 19 june, meaning that phase 1 lasted for a little less than 3 weeks. having such a short phase 1 seems kind of reckless to me, especially knowing that it took 2 months to get things somewhat under control. i mean, i'm not an infectious disease expert, so i could very well be wrong. all i have is publicly-available data, and scientist's intuition. this apparent rush to end phase 1 also seems to suggest that the economic slump can't be withstood for much longer, and that the government is being forced taking steps to rejuvenate the economy. as one of my friends so eloquently put it, "the economy can't tahan any more, so no choice have to start opening up again". i just hope that it doesn't lead to a second wave of infections, as has been observed in some other countries.

on a personal level, i don't know how i'll be affected yet. the phase 2 guidelines say that home-based activities like private tuition may resume operations, which i interpret to mean tutors visiting their students' homes for solo or small-group tuition, as opposed to a large number of students going to a centre for class. logically, i would think that the centres can't resume classes yet, but at the same time, schools will be operating at intended capacity during phase 2 (ie. no more alternating between going to school and home-based learning). using that as a yardstick, the centre should be able to reopen. as far as i know, we're still waiting on a clear directive from the government, so it could still go either way. while i think that in-person interaction makes for a better and more productive class, i'm still hoping for a few more weeks (months) of online classes because of the higher risk of infection. i'd estimate that teachers in schools see close to 100 students per day. while my numbers are less (typically between 5-30), that still represents a relatively higher chance of infection as compared to the average person.

"essential" jobs has been a point of debate over the past few days. i think it was triggered by the lockdown limiting operations only to "essential" services. there was a recent survey which said that artists ranked first on the list of non-essential jobs. i'd respectfully disagree with that. sure, being an artist might not be a ticket to wealth (unless you paint the second mona lisa or something), but art (and by extension, the arts) is important as it helps people imagine and find ways to understand/express themselves better. ok, i'm not the most artistic/cultured person around, and i'm definitely no expert in the arts. but i've felt the effect and influence of the arts throughout my life. from listening to a song to cheer me up an a bad day, to being awestruck at certain buildings' architecture, to reading a piece that makes me think. i think the arts is important to human development, and we are more well-rounded as a society with strong arts and culture. maybe that's why i think singapore is soulless, because i don't know much about its arts scene? well...that, and the constant pressure to excel in STEM as opposed to the arts.

actually, in my opinion, the most non-essential job is social media influencer. it's so non-essential that my spellcheck doesn't even recognize "influencer" as a word. here's the thing that i still don't get about influencers...why are they influential? credit where it's due, some influencers do create useful content (reviews, recommendations), and i understand the following that they have. but for those who just post random photos overlaid with pseudo-intellectual quotes, or the more entitled ones who show up at places expecting preferential service solely because they have so many followers...nah. to draw perhaps a crude parallel, they're basically selling their looks and/or bodies...particularly those who feel the need to post "teaser" photos. no judgement, by the way. there's a willing provider, and a willing buyer. i just feel that it's so unnecessary. on that note, sites where people can make donations to others (eg. patreon, twitch) have seen a surge in popularity. and you know the internet, anything can be made pornographic. so, it's no surprise that sites where people can pay for more, uh, adult services are also gaining traction. but here's what i don't understand...pornography is free on the internet. why would a person pay for it? my best guess (and the most likely reason) is because of the customizability factor. commercial studios generally produce content more suited for the mass market. whereas with these smaller/solo operations, there's a more direct link between provider and consumer. so if the consumer pays, requests can be made for more niche content. or maybe the people who are willing to pay just like the model's face/body. i guess part of my non-understanding comes from the fact that i'm too cheapskate/stingy to pay for something that can be found free. another part might be because i'm not attractive enough to make money that way, so it's never really been something i considered.

rounding up today's post, my schedule is starting to fill up again. i'm due to meet a judo elder to discuss some plans. separately, i've also got to coordinate a minor logistics operation for the kurash federation. thankfully, i have backup for that. have to send the car in for servicing soon. might need to top up petrol too. oh! gyms are also being allowed to reopen as part of phase 2. need to check on my membership and see how long i have left.

-random thought of the day: It rained!-

Ventured out of the house for the first time in over 2 months on friday, as i decided to stop procrastinating and get that haircut. even walking to my nearby mall felt different somehow, despite me having walked there many times before. the most significant difference for me was having to wear a mask. i'm not an expert at masks, but i think that the government-issued washable/reusable cloth mask that i got is too small, to the point where i had some difficulty breathing through it. consider this: i've worn N95 respirators as part of PPE while doing lab work. i know how it should feel to breathe through something that protects my mouth and nose from particles that are only a few microns wide. i even went for a mask fit test at the university health centre, to ensure that i knew how to wear the respirator correctly so that it would protect me as intended. breathing through the N95 respirator was easier than breathing through the cloth mask when i went out on friday. it made me think about those essential workers (eg. food delivery people) working in this period, as they have to wear their masks on for the large majority of their workday. i really hope they have well-fitting masks. separately, i was also impressed to see some people jogging with masks on, although it could be that their masks fit them better and it was easier to breathe. or, the mask could add an additional level of difficulty - just like mask runs in the army, where gas masks (the kind used in chemical warfare) were worn instead. thankfully, i was not in a chemical defense unit, so i never really had to interact with those damned things except for a brief training session.

things have changed since COVID first hit, and i suppose that's to be expected. entry to malls (and i presume other places) is now being controlled, and people have to virtually check in to those places to enter. the level of detail is quite high too; apart from checking in to the mall, we also have to check in to the specific shop that we're visiting using an app. i imagine that there are people in the world (and perhaps people locally, even) who feel that that is a violation of their privacy. it kind of is, actually, but given the circumstances, i think that sacrificing this bit of privacy for the greater good is acceptable. the question is, though, when does the tradeoff of individual privacy for the "greater good" become unacceptable? it seems like a slippery slope thing, and different people will have different limits. there's news that the government is thinking of or going to implement the mandatory use of wearable location trackers. i think that's a step too far. even though i personally have nothing to fear from it, since i stay home most of the time and thus am at low risk of contracting or passing on the virus, it just doesn't feel good to be under constant surveillance.

i've been wondering about this, actually. so far, i see two opposing arguments regarding this. the first view is that people have the right to maintain their privacy. the other view is that people shouldn't be afraid of being investigated if they did nothing wrong. for the longest time, i haven't been able to reach an equilibrium point regarding these two opposing perspectives. it was only recently that i kind of found a compromise in my mind. people have their right to privacy, and should be able to maintain it as long as they are not under suspicion for anything. of course, there's still the grey area of how their suspected involvement is determined, and how much of their privacy should be given up. but that's a little beyond me, i think.

whoa, how did we get all the way here from going out to get a haricut? oh right, location tracking. the haircut itself was good. definitely overdue, and it felt so satisfying to see and feel all that weight fall away from my head. as an added bonus, my hair now needs only a fraction of the shampoo to wash, and only takes a fraction of the time to dry compared to pre-haircut. the mall also reflected another effect of COVID; some shops had closed and moved out, and there were fewer people there in general. the sight actually reminded me of what it looked like on my first few visits, shortly after moving to sengkang and when the area was less populated.

remember when i said i wasn't angry or upset with letter guy? that kind of changed. my previous statement was made under the assumption that he did nothing illegal or dishonest in his search for me. as it turns out, that assumption was incorrect. he disclosed to me that he actually contacted people in my lab, under the pretext of enquiring about my paper, in hopes that they would provide leads to me. that is a huge problem in my eyes. it is quite discomforting for me when different circles of my life intersect unexpectedly. i mean, it's one thing if i introduced my partner to my colleagues, or if schoolmates naturally transition to become friends. it's also perfectly fine if i discover that people i know from different areas of life also know each other, as was the case with scary JC friend's sister and my secondary school junior. but to have people forcefully intrude into another circle is just...no. what's worse that it was intrusion into my sort-of professional sphere. i know, grad school doesn't really count as work per se, but it's the start of forming professional connections and references. as a rule, i don't let my personal and work lives mix, so this was an unpleasant discovery. i've sent him a reply already, and i guess we'll see how things go from there. i'm also thankful that the person he contacted is a good friend, and that that person deviated from their usual trusting self and didn't entertain the enquiry. incidentally, i'm also really happy for that person because something great is going to happen to them. i've been told not to reveal details, so that's all i'll say. but i'm insanely happy for them.

yesterday, there was a bit of guild drama. one member used the word "faggot" in guild chat. it wasn't meant to insult anyone's orientation specifically, and was intended like "idiot" to show frustration at someone (not from the guild) who wasn't doing something right. another member took major offense, and despite the offending member apologizing immediately, and the leader stepping in, the offended member felt that the issue was not addressed with sufficient urgency, and consequently left the guild. i wish he'd have stayed, if only to let us show that we did not approve of that word being used. but well...it was his choice to leave, and we have to respect it. it's odd, because as a gay guy, you'd think that that word would offend me deeply. but it doesn't, and i wonder why. maybe it's because that word is used as a casual insult in singapore, along with other LGBT-derogatory terms. so having grown up with it, i'm kind of desensitized? another possible explanation (which i'd like to believe is more true) is that i don't see it, along with other words like "sissy" or "guniang", as an insult, simply because i don't feel like i am described by those words. does that make sense? it might explain why some others are affected/offended by those words, because those words are targeted at describing effeminate behaviour from biological males. i don't know...gender stereotypes are so last century. interestingly, the guild leader said that this incident was reminiscent of the "lord and saviour" incident from a few months back. i see the parallels, but i don't think they're completely identical in terms of blame distribution. could be me being biased as a result of not being a fan of religion, but well. i think perhaps the overarching lesson here is to just be more sensitive to peoples' beliefs and values.

something else about the incident didn't sit quite right with me. the offending member was considerate and apologized immediately, and i think that's commendable. however, in private chat with the guild leader, he said that after this incident, he would be less active in guild chat so as to not risk a repeat of this incident, because he sometimes speaks without thinking when he's tired or distracted or whatever. for the longest time last night, i couldn't explain clearly why this devalued the apology in my eyes. my first thought was that he was trying to play mind games or guilt trip, you know, like "since i can't express myself freely, i'll just shut up". while that does contribute a certain amount to the feeling, the main reason (which i only identified this morning) is that his reply showed an unwillingness to change. compare "i'll shut up to lower the risk of me saying something wrong" to "i'll be more mindful about my language from now on". i'm not saying that his approach isn't valid, but it's not what i feel the ideal approach should be. but well, as long as the desired outcome is reached, i suppose i can't complain.

we're into june, and that means that i'm closer to knowing my JET posting. i also have to get the car serviced and inspected. did you know that despite such a long period of inactivity, it started right up when i went to check on it? so amazing. i'll really be sorry to lose it later this year, but i'll think of that closer to the date.

-random thought of the day: Hot day today.-

Leftover thoughts from yesterday: weird dreams, JET, and divorce.

weird dream #1 was more of a nightmare. two nights ago, i dreamt that i was walking down the corridor outside the synthesis teaching lab in NUS, and my professor pulled me into a room and wanted me to defend my thesis on the spot. considering that it's been a year and a half since my actual defense, i forgot most of the details and only managed to give a half-assed presentation. i got scolded upside down for that, and although it was only a dream, it made me feel quite bad even after i woke up and realized that it never actually happened. i wonder if this means i still have trauma from grad school, or unresolved guilt?

as for weird dream #2, it happened this past night. so for some context, i watch youtube videos of this guy and his dog. they live out of a van in the UK (but have temporarily moved into a house because of the lockdown), and they explore all over the country. in this dream, i was driving them around, and we had to stop at a carpark gantry located on an up-slope. i jammed on the brake in the dream, and that foot movement somehow got translated to real life. what that meant was that i extended my foot and kicked my fan off the bed! i was awoken by the resulting crash, which i also heard in my dream. thankfully, the fan survived, although one of the pegs/pins that hold the front cover in place broke off again due to the impact. it had broken off before, but i managed to glue it back in place. not sure if i want to glue it again, because the glue residue from the previous time makes the joint match up less flush-ly. solvent welding did come to mind, but i'm not sure what type of plastic the pin and casing are made out of. even if i knew that, i don't have access to suitable solvents any more. oh well. 2 out of 3 pins seem to still be enough to hold the cover in place, so i think i'll leave it until it needs fixing.

got an email from the nice japan embassy lady recently. she was writing to inform us that the deadline for document submission was extended. again, not something that i have to worry about as i'd submitted everything WAY ahead of the original deadline. it did kind of suggest to me that JET would be going on as planned, in spite of the world situation. that gives me some relief/reassurance, and something to look forward to in these times.

a facebook friend shared a video that a singaporean youtube channel published. the video was about the channel's founders, a husband and wife, who had gotten divorced. before going any further, i want to declare that i don't think divorce is necessarily a bad thing, nor do i judge people who have been divorced. in the youtubers' case, they said that they prioritized work, deadlines, their staff, basically everything else over their marriage, and that caused the both of them to fall out of love with each other. what was interesting to me though, is that both of them still said that they love each other. but it wasn't romantic love any more, it became more like love for family/best friends. i think it takes a great deal of maturity for that to happen. and of course, ending the relationship on a good note. one thing they mentioned stood out to me - that nobody goes into a marriage with the intention to divorce. i'll add on to say that that's assuming that you genuinely want the marriage to work, and are not after money or anything like that. i don't know...it's like we're fed the narrative of first love lasting forever, happily ever after. and when that doesn't happen (as often is the case), we may experience negative thoughts, like feeling that we are failures, or that there's something wrong with us, or that we don't deserve to be loved. i think we have to remind ourselves that there are many external factors at play, and not to mention that we're growing and developing as people all the time. it can be that two people who were suited for each other at the time of their marriage subsequently grew in different directions. long story short, having a relationship (or marriage) not work out doesn't necessarily mean that we are bad people, and there shouldn't be any stigma with dating divorcees. if anything, they'd have probably learned from their previous marriage and will be a better partner. maybe i'm looking too deeply into this and creating meaning when there is actually none, but i see the parallels to my job situation. here's hoping japan will be a better "partner" for me than the IP firm was.

-random thought of the day: CB is almost over!-