Done with my usual saturday routine, and i'm just sitting in front of the computer and resting my legs. this of course, leads to my brain going down several paths/rabbit holes.

spoke with a few colleagues about promotion yesterday. it seems that one of my colleagues did well enough to get a C+ performance grade last year. reading that statement in context of singapore's type-A and "A" (the academic grade) culture, you'd think i'm being sarcastic...but i'm honestly not. a C is the default performance grade for meeting KPI, and anything above that is going beyond. my colleague shared that he hit about 125% last year, which was enough to net him the C+. it kind of made me regret not pushing a little harder last year, especially knowing that my november and december point totals were way lower than typical. but saying that now is easy...i should also remember that that was when i was living in marine parade, settling my flat purchase and renovations, all of which impacted my productivity. i am happy that i at least did enough to hit my KPI for 2025, resulting in a smooth transition to this year. i also took a slightly different strategy of saving a few cases to submit in january, so that it would be easier to hit the promotion goal if i were to use this january to december as the period for assessment. tradeoffs, i guess!

one advantage of this job a few seniors have identified is that results are largely determined by the individual, meaning that it's unlikely that a group effort gone wrong will tank your performance. one senior explained it as "you determine your performance grade based on how hard you work". and while i kind of went with that initially, i'm also starting to see that our performance grade is not 100% within our control. if you thought university would be the last time you heard the phrase "graded on a curve", you'd be wrong! our (and i imagine the same is for many other companies) performance assessment is assessed by ranking everyone in a particular grade on a curve, and only the top X% gets a higher grade. this means that even 150% may not be enough to get a C+ if a whole bunch of people hit 200%. it's exaggerated, but you get the idea. the exact numbers aren't made public, of course, and we can only guess what the cutoffs are based on previous years' results, also assuming people are willing to share! so...let's think. there were 40-ish of us last year (approximately broken down into 20 newbies, 12 in my cohort, and 8 seniors), and 125% was enough to get a C+. this year, there'll be maybe 20 newer newbies, 18 newbies, 10 in my cohort, and 3-4 seniors in the same rank, for a total of 50-ish people. considering that the number of newbies below my cohort has increased, the base is widened, so to speak.

in view of this, it seems that delaying promotion to december would be more beneficial. getting a higher performance grade equals getting a higher bonus and increment next year, which compounds and makes up for the delay in pay raise due to promotion. my colleague says that this route pays off if we stay for more than 6 years in the company. and since i intend for this to be my retirement job, it seems that this is the way to go! if i'm set on initiating the promotion process in december, the 2 likely outcomes are (1) i get promoted after hitting KPI numbers and quality standards, or (2) i don't get promoted because my KPI makes it but my quality doesn't. seems like i have confidence in my ability to hit the numbers, but less so for my quality. that also means that i know what i should work on more.

the same colleague also shared that he'd been moved up to the next level of independence, in that he's now allowed to send reports out without his mentor checking them first. somehow i knew that we (the people in my cohort) would be progressing at different levels, yet because most of us have been hitting our major milestones (completing training, probation) together so far, i'd kind of gotten used to the idea of everyone in my cohort progressing at the same pace. i guess it's another reminder that we are in control of our own rate of progress. i don't want to rush reaching this step, because honestly it's reassuring to have my mentor look through my cases. but at the same time, i'm kind of envious of my colleague! objectively though, i don't think i'm quite ready yet. see, i spent the past 3 days clearing 5 cases with my mentor. most of them went through fine...except one, for which i forgot to do something quite basic. that resulted in my mentor giving me a warning in the system, which i definitely deserved. in my defense, it hasn't happened over the past 6 months at least, and i believe it only happened because i was juggling so many cases at once. well, a senior (like, "veteran of 10 years" kind of senior) once told us that she made a similar mistake in a report she wrote as recently as last year, so i know it's definitely not the end of the world. i still do feel a little bad about it though, but i think i should be able to get over it quickly enough. as a side note, i did some rough calculations and it appears that i'm about 10-15 cases away from reaching that milestone myself! should be able to hit it by september, which would be nice since it would mean i can speed up in time for the december promotion deadline. at the same time, there's a larger risk that my quality will drop. need to mitigate that!

related to my question about passion, more specifically finding passion for a sport/activity, i talked to the guy i had over last night (who also gave me a new collection of uh..."mementos"), and he asked some leading questions to help me figure it out. nothing came out of it, unfortunately, because nothing came to mind. guess i'll need to spend more time figuring it out. interestingly, scary JC friend commented that i looked slimmer when she saw me at the alumni thing this morning. how does she know exactly what i need to hear!? bear in mind, i haven't told her any of this yet, which makes it even more amazing. she also spotted some of the "mementos" on my arms, which then attracted mentor figure's attention when he overheard her asking about them. credit to him, he was open-minded enough not to freak out when i told him i had more all over my body. i'll admit though, as much as i'm into it, even i think the guy went a bit too far. but it's fine...not like people will see them.

seems like i have quite a few things to think about. of course, work-related things should be the priority, as i want to start the promotion process this year. health and fitness stuff too, including finding an activity i'll look forward to doing. hopefully i'll get more insights over the coming days.

-random thought of the day: Things will work out, one way or another.-

Exposure to more people leads to a corresponding exposure to more ideas, perspectives, etc. we can assimilate the ones we agree/identify with into ourselves, and reject the less palatable ones. interestingly, recent conversations (with different, unrelated people) and news have caused me to think a little more deeply about the concept and application of "passion".

the first instance was with the biology phd who i met for dinner, and it relates to passion for my job. let me first preface this by saying that i like my job well enough. but i'm not certain that this is my ikigai. out of the 4 criteria - something i'm passionate about, something i'm good at, something i get paid for, and something the world needs, i'd rate this job as 5/10 for passion, 6.5/10 for ability, 8/10 for salary, and 9/10 for something the world needs (only because the IP framework is already so established worldwide!), totalling 28.5/40 overall. because i only really have one other point of reference, let's do the same for JET. 4/10 for passion, 8.5/10 for ability, 3.5/10 for salary, 9.5/10 for something the world needs = 25.5/40 total. i guess moving to this job counts as an upgrade, then!

i suppose the question is, am i happy to remain here, or do i want to go searching for that 40/40 job? bearing in mind that such a job might not actually exist, in which case i'd have to either suck it up, or create my own 40/40 job. seems like too much effort, if you ask me. like i said before, i'm not unhappy with this job. everything is still within my capability, i'm still finding it new and exciting with many things to learn, and i have an amazing support network in the form of my batchmates, seniors, mentor, and lead. but it's just not something i'm passionate about.

next question - what AM i passionate about? my uncertainty might be tied to this thing called "early specialization". according to a study, it's actually not good to focus on just one area from a young age. granted, that study was for early specialization in sports, but i think it's expandable to a principle of general application. there was recent news about a recently-graduated biology phd from harvard saying how the singapore education system didn't let him pursue biology, and the education system seemed more suitable for grades optimization. in my case, i was privileged to have some talent in science (more so chemistry and physics than biology), and i guess finding chemistry easy made me more interested in it. looking back on it now, i'm not sure whether the interest was "interest to find out more and deepen my knowledge" or "interest to score higher marks for exams". i do know that i am still interested to learn more, as evidenced by a small spark of excitement/intrigue when i start a new case. but would i call it "passion"? i don't know. i suppose i've been lucky in that i've never experienced chemistry burnout. sure, i've burnt out from lab work in grad school, from my time at the accursed IP firm, but those were related more to the demands of the job than to the content itself, and i've never grown to hate or even dislike chemistry. then again, "not dislike" is not the same as "passionate about", is it?

sidetrack: i guess the reason i don't dislike chemistry itself is because i know that the laws of nature are not to blame for my failures in the lab. if a reaction is going to happen, it's going to happen. if someone succeeds at making a compound while another one fails, it's because the successful one did everything right, while the one who failed didn't. sometimes it can be something as minor/stupid as water in the solvent, or a competing reaction not accounted for. in that way, science is fair to everyone, which makes failure a little easier to stomach.

while at the gay bar yesterday, i asked 2 fit-looking guys to recommend me cardio exercises. their advice was to choose a sport or activity that i'm passionate about. there it is again, passion. this is a bit more difficult than for work/academics, i think. a lot of my youth was spent in judo, but even if the political situation there were to be resolved, i don't think i can find it in me to go back to it. part of it is emotional, but the majority of it is physical - my knees, ankles, and other body parts are damaged enough. as i think i've said before, i think the main problem here is inertia. unlike gym guy, i do not look forward to going to the gym. to be fair, i don't dread it either. it's more of a "neutral", but i will say that i feel positive about it after making my way there and working out. but that's the hardest part - finding motivation to go in the first place.

now that i think about it, i've kind of wanted to try gymnastics/acrobatics for a while. maybe calisthenics too. do i think that either of those are going to make me excited enough to go for training no matter what? honestly, probably not. not at this time, at least. but this is me speaking with no actual experience. who knows? maybe something will click after a few sessions. probably a good time to remind myself that i don't need to aim for the top, and that it'll be worth it even if try one session and then decide it's not for me. i actually think that i have a huge handicap, in that i hate to sweat. and here i am, born in tropical singapore. well, this is part of plan "tend the garden" too, actually - finding activities that lead to me living my best life.

guess this serves as half of my second quarterly check-in; i'll leave the more concrete number-crunching to the end of the month, when i have better clarity on my numbers. my mentor is going on leave next week, and i'm thinking if i should just let the cases build up, or pass some to my lead for checking. guess i'll ask him tomorrow. not sure if it's a good thing, but my mentor appears to be asking more questions about my report, as opposed to telling me how to amend it. i've also managed to defend my position a few times, which does give me some confidence. i'm just worried that i'll mistakenly defend an error in judgement and end up sending out a wrong report. need to step up my game, to prevent that!

-random thought of the day: The anime ended so nicely!-

Minor mixed feelings about a piece of news i just got - ACS boy has decided not to continue with me, and will be relying on his tuition centres. i'm like 10% sad because the money was good, but 90% happy/relieved because i no longer have to sacrifice a weekend night, go down to his place, chase him for work, etc....so maybe my feelings aren't that mixed after all. his mother told me that he failed his mid-years by 3 marks, which is kind of depressing (for me, and i'd imagine even more so for him). i mean, it's an improvement, so i'll take some credit there. but it's also below my expectations, and i'll equally take the blame for that. good thing that i didn't factor this extra income into my financial planning!

one thing about the whole exchange i wasn't very happy about was that the kid himself didn't reply to me at all. even though the message i sent him showed as "read" within the same day, i ended up having to reach out to his mother for a response. it's not like i would have been offended or upset at him wanting to stop; i even offered him a lifeline in the form of "it's ok if you don't want to continue, just let me know so i can plan". but nope, still nothing. i guess this is how guys (or maybe people in general) start the ghosting habit. to be fair, his mother did say that she (and maybe others in the family too) came down with COVID last week, so everything ran haywire. even then, i do believe in basic accountability, especially when it's a business dealing. but well, you know the thing about circuses and monkeys. i just hope he learns the lesson in time before he loses a significant person or opportunity because of it.

related to tuition, i had a short conversation with my friend last saturday. seems like the centre will be moving due to demolition and reconstruction of the entire building, and the new venue is a couple of MRT stations further away. good news is that i still have a direct bus from the alumni gathering, just that i have to take the bus for 5 stops further. not a big deal, though the timing will require some adjustment. i also told him that i will finish sec 4 with these kids, but whether i continue (either with these same kids to JC, or take a new class) or not after that is a separate issue. i'm like...85% inclined to "no" at this point. the extra money is nice, but i think that i might want fewer balls to juggle in view of the upcoming increases in workload. he also asked me if i was still interested to help open/invest in a centre as a partner. not sure about that, either. my ideal role would just be to throw money in and let the others take care of the day-to-day running of the place, but something tells me that that's not going to fly.

feeling accomplished on the housekeeping front, because i cleared out one box! one out of like, 7 or 8, but it's still progress! this particular box contained stationery, as well as my academic stuff (school magazines, report books, degree certificates, transcripts, etc.). the downside is that i have no place to put some of the contents at the moment - i need more storage solutions, like a shelf or more metal cabinets. that'll be another ikea trip i guess, possibly after tuition this coming saturday. or maybe i should do magazine racks/holders and plastic boxes/containers on an open rack/trolley/shelf. also reminder to myself that i don't need to keep everything; i can sell things, give them away, or even dispose of them. i kind of have an idea to donate books to the nearby school, but i don't know if they'll be accepted. might also want to do a round of wardrobe culling - there are some things which i haven't worn in literal years, and are there for purely sentimental reasons.

what else is there to talk about? gym guy is asking me to go to thailand next month, and i'm seeing how feasible it is. also decided to exchange some of my rewards points to miles - it was very easy with OCBC, much less so for UOB. worst part is that i have excess UOB points after one round of exchange, but not enough for a second one. well...i'll figure something out. worst case would be letting the points expire, best case would be getting another point-earning credit card and accumulating enough points for another exchange.

what else is on my schedule this week? getting back to the gym, for one. haven't been in 2 weeks due to thailand and the brief bout of illness. i think i might want to re-look what i'm doing in the gym...the ratio of time and effort to benefits/gains feels off. and as much as i'm reluctant to, i might have to introduce a cardio day. considering either inclined treadmill or swimming, although both sound equally bad to me. guess i'll give both a try and see which one i dislike less. and yes, i know the main change should be watching my intake - both in what and how much i eat. bio phd guy asked me out for dinner on wednesday, and we're tentatively going to the fancy unagi place. i'll see if i want to go to the gay bar after that; the night's theme is "sportswear", which isn't very difficult. hopefully meeting the other guy on friday...i realize i don't have a codename for him yet. while i usually try to choose things that stand out to me, my immediate thought for him is something a bit private between us, not to mention M18. have to think of an alternative. as for work, i think i can submit 2 substantial cases this week, which will put me comfortably ahead of the december goal, and probably in good pace for september too. let's hope things continue on this trajectory!

-random thought of the day: Need to re-optimize finances a bit.-

Persisting discomfort made me go see the doctor on monday. went to eunos polyclinic, where i waited for about an hour despite having an appointment. ended up getting seen by another doctor, who diagnosed it as gastric pain, and gave me 2 days' MC. i'm not upset at the wait, exactly...but i think that the efficiency could be improved. more importantly, it's a blessing that my illness isn't serious enough to need immediate attention. unfortunately, the polyclinic is quite a distance from home, needing a bus ride instead of just being a short walk away as was the case in marine parade. guess the plan is to stick to the polyclinic for minor illnesses, but go downstairs to the private clinic for anything that incapacitates me significantly.

thankfully, i'm feeling much better now, although with reduced appetite. also not the worst thing, since i have weight loss goals! gym guy was concerned because his cancer started out as stomach pain, but it seemed to be much more severe than what i experienced. he even came over on tuesday with snacks and stuff, and stayed for dinner (we ate at a nearby coffee shop). so nice of him! to be clear, i know there's no possibility for anything romantic to develop, but i think having him as a friend is awesome as it is. we might be headed to bangkok with another friend of his in july, to be confirmed in the next 2 weeks or so.

there was a company event yesterday, some IP practitioners' gathering/networking session. it necessitated getting dressed up, which was kind of nice only because i don't have to do it every day. the session itself was not bad, got to make small talk with the big boss and it seems we have shared experience of living in japan. he was there for like, 10 years though, so he definitely knows his stuff. maybe this thing in common will make me more memorable to him?

afterwards, i met my guild leader for dinner (she works nearby where we had the event). among several topics, we talked about her journey to get a house (i recommended scary JC friend to her, hope they get in contact soon), as well as some of the weirdos that she's met online. it seems that straight guys are more desperate than i gave them credit for, because some of them sent her unsolicited M18 content of themselves! i was half-jokingly telling her that i wish more guys sent that type of content to me. according to some source, it seems that straight guys do it because they would like to receive such stuff from girls, so they assume the opposite is true as well. doesn't seem to be the case, though! conversely, i think gay guys know that other guys would appreciate it, so they avoid sending that kind of video to other guys. some reverse psychology going on there! oddly, it seems to be mostly singaporean gay guys who think like that. people in other countries (mainly western/westernized, but surprisingly japan too) are usually happy to share.

since i was already dressed up, and the gay bar's theme that night was "office wear, leather, and uniform", i went down to get double stamps on my loyalty card. sadly, the crowd was kind of lukewarm, and i wasn't very familiar with the staff on duty. there was also a decently attractive guy dressed in school uniform, who i felt wasn't quite in possession of all his marbles. like, we were both speaking in english, but i felt like he was on a completely different wavelength. initially i thought it was a language problem, so i switched to chinese/singlish, only for him to tell me that his primary language was english. the icing on this pretty odd cake was that he started singing hokkien/teochew opera out of the blue. not that i'm against appreciating traditional culture/art, just that the time and place didn't quite fit. the attractiveness i'd perceived just kind of evaporated after that, and also because he smokes. well...some nights you win, some nights you don't.

earlier this week, HR sent out some slides about our promotion criteria. chalk up another win for "only complaining brings about results"! the slides raised a few more questions, and i had a chat with my lead to address them today. my original plan was to trigger promotion in december, meaning that i'd end this year with a lower KPI target and hitting the promotion goal would put me at about 125% of my supposed target, meaning that i would be more likely to get a higher performance grade. this is in contrast to triggering promotion in september, where my goal for this year would immediately jump to the promotion target, meaning that meeting it would just get me to 100% and an average/normal performance grade. my lead wants me to aim for september promotion, and his reasoning is that promotion itself is already a form of recognition/reward, plus the additional bonuses that i'll unlock at the next rank should balance out the bonus i get for a higher performance grade. unfortunately, i don't have enough information to run the numbers, so that's a question mark. another thing he said was that even if i stuck to my plan, there would be no guarantee of a higher performance grade because i'd still be assessed against with my peers who'd also be fighting for promotion, and who may outperform me.

let's do some cost-benefit analysis to help me figure out what i should be aiming for.

september promotion pros

- guaranteed to meet this year's basic KPI if i don't get promoted

- should be entitled to added productivity bonus that only unlocks at next rank

- even if i don't make it, i have another chance in december

- getting higher salary earlier (increment upon promotion)

september promotion cons

- guaranteed basic performance grade only, can't get any higher

- more effort required

- may not get the added productivity bonus (something to check with HR)

december promotion pros

- will meet this year's KPI while working at a more leisurely pace

- chance for higher performance grade (higher performance bonus next year)

december promotion cons

- may not get higher performance grade (depending on peers' performance)

- delay in receiving higher salary

- definitely not getting the added productivity bonus this year

- no second chance if i don't make it

it seems that september is the safer route, whereas december is the high risk, high reward path. the worst case scenario is that i don't get promoted in december due to non-KPI issues, because that would delay everything by 6 months or more. best case is that i delay promotion to december, get a good performance grade, and a higher performance bonus next year. next-best is september promotion and getting the productivity bonuses. next-worst is september promotion but not getting the productivity bonuses. no matter which outcome happens, fact is that my KPI next year will be adjusted massively upwards as long as i get promoted. so my thought here is to get as much out if it (monetarily) as possible. while the path ahead is a bit clearer, i think there are a few more things i have to clarify with HR.

have i mentioned i've been following an anime series for the past few months? it's about this gay japanese high school student and his crush on his classmate. most episodes so far were quite light-hearted/funny and sweet, which is the kind of feel-good thing that i think more gay youths need. it seems to me that the main character was purposely written as socially awkward, which a good proportion of teenagers (especially otakus) would identify with quite readily. this is in contrast to the love interest, who is incredibly cute! his name is made up of the kanji for "love" and "precious", which really suits him. it's like the awkward loner crushing on the bright, sunny guy...something which i know all too well.

the anime took a more depressing turn in this week's episode, because the love interest started dating a girl, causing the main character to go through heartbreak. ugly crying, almost-depression kind of heartbreak. as much as i wish it didn't have to happen to anyone, having your heart broken when your crush starts seeing someone else seems to be a canon event for teenagers. especially for gay guys, when the crush turns out to be straight and starts dating a girl. i've gone through it a few times, and the thought i had was 'why can't he be gay, or at least bi?'. forgot when i came to this realization or who/what triggered it, but i realized that i shouldn't be sad about not getting to date a straight guy, because i was never even in the running! it beats being rejected as a girl, because you had a chance, but he didn't think you were good enough or that the both of you were compatible. it became so much easier to deal with feelings for straight guys after that. but yes, it's practically a rite of passage for gay guys, and the main character ended the episode by saying "why am i so depressed? isn't his happiness mine too?". i've learnt the lesson already, but i hope the anime helps people see that if you love someone, you'll want them to be happy regardless of whether it's with you or not. ideally it'd be with you, but you know...it doesn't always go according to your plan. i'm looking forward to the last episode of the season, which should air next week. kind of spoiled myself on wikipedia already, but i know that the main character doesn't confess and they remain friends in the end. that's realistic, i guess, and is just about the best outcome that one can hope for in this situation. excited to see how they animate it!

-random thought of the day: Fix the sleep cycle!-

Stomach cramps sidelined me for most of today, so basically nothing got done. i don't know why they happened either; my best guess is that it was caused by food from a nearby chinese braised food place last night. the effects happened after 12+ hours though, so i don't think that the food was the main reason. whatever it is, it resulted in me sleeping most of the afternoon away to distract myself from the pain. i'm feeling about 55% now, and with some luck, i'll recover enough for work tomorrow. worst case, i can take an MC.

i've been wanting to blog about this for a while, but kept forgetting to. i read that if someone's really good at/on top of something, that thing is probably one of their top 3 priorities. makes sense, when you think about it. like how the guy goes to the gym 6 times a week to stay healthy and reduce the chance of cancer recurring. the message was like, not to be discouraged if you're not as good at something as someone else is, because it could be their priority but not yours. at the same time, i do think it works the other way too. if you want to become good at something, you should make it a priority. something for me to think about, especially in the weight loss and house organization aspects.

a few more heavy thoughts are rattling around in my brain, but they're not organized/substantial enough for me to write about yet. the fact that i'm still not feeling so good (condition improved to 65% after some pho) doesn't help either. guess i'll call it an early night, then see how i feel after waking up tomorrow. i should be able to recover by wednesday for the company event in the afternoon. a small relief is that i'm ahead of my KPI, although i can't rest on my laurels there either. more annoying is that i need to make sure that i don't submit cases too quickly, lest the promotion process is triggered early. there's a whole bunch of considerations there that i don't want to get into now, also i need some confirmation from HR regarding the promotion process in general. might poke them by end-july if nothing is heard by then.

-random thought of the day: Recover faster!-

Operation thailand was a success! for the important things, anyway. i realize that travelling to different countries keeps me on my toes, especially to countries whose language(s) i can't speak. compared to thailand, i still feel more comfortable in japan although it's further away. not being able to speak the native language is quite humbling, as i was reminded on this trip. something for me to bear in mind in the future, when going to japan with friends who are less/non-fluent. thankfully thailand is still kind of easy mode, since i can get by on broken english and gestures. my bonus objective of trying to go cashless didn't work out at all. i realized that i couldn't scan their QR codes, although they were advertised to work with the UOB singapore app. no luck with wise, either. so, i ended up withdrawing about 3700 baht (~SGD 150) from an ATM, paying 330 baht (~SGD13!!) in transaction fees. definitely picked the wrong ATM, or the company who set the ATM up there were counting on people being desperate. but i figure rather than lament over "wasted" money, i can take it as a learning experience. besides, i stayed within my allocated budget, which is (1) a win, and (2) money that i was prepared to spend anyway!

first event was the M18 gathering organized by the gay bar people. it was quite fun, but not as intimate as i would have liked in terms of scale. i guess there was a little too much to see, because i found myself wandering between rooms a lot. made the acquaintance of some cute china and thai guys, plus one singaporean guy who was also there, and who i brought back to my hotel room. our time extended to brunch the next day, and my impression of him is overall positive. he makes me feel warm and fuzzy (big plus), seems interesting and easy to talk to (plus), is tall (minor plus), but seems to be more about the party life including recreational drugs (very big minus), and doesn't appear very emotionally available (small-ish minus). well, maybe something will happen in the future...who knows? but for now, the plan is to get to know him better and see if there's relationship potential.

second event was meeting with jedi master. the last time i met him before this trip was around september or october last year? definitely after the cheating, because i ranted and vented to him about it. how my life has changed in that half-year interval or slightly more! true to what he said, i'm seeing my value more now, because i have evidence. and while i know that the "right" thing to do is to know my worth and not go chasing after guys who aren't interested in me, it seems that i'm also afflicted with the 犯贱 curse that most humans have. that was just one of the several topics we discussed over a nice dinner of japanese food. while i won't go into every single detail, i think the overall theme was that just as the younger generation doesn't understand us, we also don't fully understand the older generation. jedi master is 20 years older than me, and he was telling me about his skin sagging, his voice weakening, etc...things that i cannot imagine happening to myself! and it would be the same if present me told JC-era me about getting depression due to the accursed IP firm, all the injuries i'd accumulated, ways in which my body has betrayed me. jedi master says we're better than the inconsiderate idiots because we're smarter and more empathetic. i'm still not sure if i want to adopt the "better than you" mindset, but i do see how it could come in useful.

one other thing i find admirable about jedi master is how he thinks of his partner. i've mentioned before about how his partner has done so much for him, and how strong their love is. i think it also takes 2 hands to clap. this strong relationship could not have been built if jedi master just kept taking and taking, until it went beyond his partner's ability to give. that kind of describes what happened between the ex and me, now that i think about it. call me petty if you like, but i still can't find it in my heart to wish him (the ex) well. anyway, i think an additional criteria i will look for in a partner now is "appreciative". part of it is acknowledging received kindness(es), but another part that i think will be harder to meet is "reciprocation". something for future me to think about.

back to work tomorrow. i'm doing the smart thing by not turning my work laptop on despite it being beside me right now. i figure there'll be plenty of time to look at emails and such when i'm actually on the clock. kind of excited to see the latest KPI tracker too, as it'll help me plan for june, and the second quarterly check-in. 

-random thought of the day: Would more overseas trips be beneficial?-

Following (a not so good) tradition, i'm not packed at all despite my flight being like 36 hours away. i should really get most of it done by tonight, since my saturdays are usually packed and i don't foresee tomorrow being an exception. on the bright side, it's a short trip and i'm only planning to bring my smaller luggage, which i should be able to carry on.

this week felt faster than usual! i guess it's because of the public holiday in the middle. speaking of which, i had someone over, and it was good. i have to remember that it feels better to interact with someone who reciprocates your enthusiasm. he left me with a few uh...mementos, which are already beginning to fade. well, just means that we should meet again soon.

back to more serious business. i submitted a bunch of cases this week, and i think i'm pretty ahead of the promotion goal. although i must admit that i'm nervous for next year - while my current pace puts me comfortably ahead of this year's goal, it's actually barely on track or even slightly behind for next year's increased target! looks like i'll have to work harder, faster, and smarter. the small reassurance is that i'm still not quite going full steam ahead now. i'd estimate i'm working at about 70% of maximum capacity? so there's still room to stretch. well, let's worry about meeting next year's goal when we get there. right now, a bigger worry is that i have to improve my writing even more. my mentor's feedback for the last 2 cases has been that i need to be clearer in identifying differences.

also yesterday, i ran into one of the newbies who didn't make probation. i believe that it was due to external factors, since a similar thing happened to someone from my cohort too. not sure if i would call it power harassment, but i would say that someone higher up purposely made life difficult for them. i'm grateful that my lead is a much better boss (and overall person). he actually asked me to review him as a leader for an exercise the company was doing, and i gave him what i'd say is an outstanding review. he deserves it! as for the person who didn't make probation, i understand that today was their last day. while i worked from home today, i got their contact yesterday, and i'm hoping we'll stay in touch.

what's happening in the remaining time before my flight? i'll have to get the suitcase out and throw some stuff in by tonight. alumni gathering tomorrow, followed by tuition where i have a sidequest to pick up some items from uniqlo at vivocity. then probably going to the gay bar. it was supposed to be karaoke night, but some equipment malfunctions mean that it's no longer possible. i'll probably come home a bit earlier just to finish up the packing and see if i left anything out, plus sleep early because my flight is on sunday morning and i have to be at the airport around 7am. might even vacuum if i have enough time on saturday night, but i'm not counting on it. will probably do it when i come back. it should be fine...the weather in thailand is similar to singapore, after all. just have to remember to pack charcoal pills and get some antibiotics as a precaution at a pharmacy there. also, can't forget that i'm meeting jedi master, location to be confirmed!

-random thought of the day: Excited for a break!-

A few content-heavy things to blog about...one is good, one is neutral, and one is annoying.

starting with good, the gathering at my guildmates' place went really well! they're another couple who met in-game, and have been together for like, 3-4 years now? their place is at tanjong pagar plaza, the HDB blocks above the shops. i really like that area, it's got that old-school charm despite being in the city centre. as much as i'd have loved to live there, their flat cost $550 000 so it's not like i could have afforded it. besides, despite ubi being less central, it's much more convenient for my needs. and that's the most important.

the gathering was fun; we caught up with each other over a ton of good food, reminisced about the days when we ran the guild together, and even made tentative plans for a china trip towards the end of this year. how's that for covering past, present, and future? i laughed so much throughout the night, and it made me grateful that my arbitrary choice to join the guild led to such amazing friendships. we also talked a bit about the current situations of certain people in the guild. i'm not the best person to be saying this, considering my past history of low self-confidence (also linked to the annoying thing i'll talk about later), but some people need to recognize toxic people around them, and cut those toxic people off. but yes, i've been in that situation before, and from experience, sometimes the best way to learn is to really go through it and emerge on the other side. i just hope the person in question will be able to do that.

neutral thing next. as i spoke about in the last 1 or 2 posts, the MD arranged for a chat session with my colleagues and i. calling it a "chat session" is quite charitable; what it was was more of a complaint session, where we asked for rationales behind some of the more questionable admin decisions, including our adjusted promotion criteria. it was also in this session where my colleague with a broken/nonexistent filter uttered the immortal phrase, "you decide this thing and then shove it up our asses". i may have paraphrased the first part, but the second part is verbatim. for the record, i think it was unprofessional, and i don't approve. as a matter of fact, i cringed so hard i think i died a bit internally. well the dying was a mix of cringing and laughing, but you get the idea. credit where it's due, the MD didn't get flustered, defensive, or do the "you should be lucky you have a job" thing...but his justifications were weak, in my opinion. so the thing is, we're pretty sure nothing's going to change even with this feedback. which leads to the question - then hold this chat session for what? give us an opportunity to vent, then suck it up and proceed with life? i guess we'll see what follow-up actions are taken. for the record, i don't expect any substantial change, like i don't think our promotion criteria will change. so, no change to the plan - get promoted by the end of this year.

annoying thing. i was talking to this guy on twitter, and we moved to telegram. his replies showed much less interest (sentences became single words, no more initiation of conversation topics) after we traded photos. thing is, we'd agreed to start off as friends, with potential M18 stuff to be discussed in the future. and here's what really annoys me...i know i'm supposed to do the "tend the garden" thing and focus on myself before other people, but i'm still feeling not-good about how this interaction is going. i guess rejection stings, regardless. if i'm being real though, the disappointment is amplified because he looks cute, and has certain physical attributes i find attractive. but i should remember the lesson from transformation kink guy, dead drunk guy, and the many other physically attractive people i've been acquainted with who turn out to be lacking in the personality, character, and/or compatibility departments. i find it a bit telling that the universe has to put me in similar situations multiple times for me to learn the same lesson...just means i haven't fully internalized it yet. i guess for this case, it's because i haven't done anything with this guy, and i really want to. well...the ideal situation is that i newton's third law it and see what happens. odds are the conversation will die off. realistically, i think i'll try to at least arrange to meet him for a meal, just to get an actual read on him.

recent less-than-optimal gay bar trips, along with this interaction, have made me wonder if i'm putting too much emphasis on M18 stuff. odds are that the answer is "yes". maybe i should do a detox of sorts in june...after bangkok, of course. remembering jedi master's words of caution, sex is an addiction that is difficult to manage. i think i need to balance it with more wholesome activities within the LGBT community, like purely social meet-ups, sports/exercise, or something else that doesn't involve getting into someone else's pants. that's for future (post-bangkok) me to think about, but it's good to have a direction.

ending the post off on an awesome note, i was looking at the most recent issue of my town's newsletter and saw that my supervisor's husband is starting (has started, by now) work at the town hall! i guess his old job in the city (long commute plus shift work) wasn't sustainable, especially now that they've got 2 kids. i messaged my supervisor and asked her to pass along my congratulations, and we had a short catch-up over text. she said that she might plan for her family to visit singapore, and i'm looking forward to showing them around when it happens. i also told her i might go to the town again next year, and she said (translated), "if you come home to the town, come stay over at my place!". i swear, my heart just melted at the "come home". i really appreciate how the board of education at least, sees me as one of the locals, albeit linguistically-challenged and culturally different. feels like the 3.5 years there were well spent, and i'm even reaping dividends! 

-random thought of the day: Couple of appointments this week!-

"花金 (はなきん)", though literally translating to "flower gold", is the japanese equivalent of TGIF. i remember my supervisor told me about that sometime during my first few months of JET, but i never really used it or thought of it as more than a random piece of trivia. while i'm not normally very cognizant of TGIF because my work isn't all that stressful/draining, i'm feeling a slightly heightened sense of accomplishment and relief this week because i finally submitted the 2 annoying cases for checking! if i'm lucky, the client won't want to pursue them further, and this will be the only report i write for them. but i still have to get my mentor's feedback and send the reports out once and for all. next week, i guess.

2 main non-work things on my mind, which are GD and the guy from saturday. some follow-up/linked thoughts too, but that can come later. in the past week, i've met GD twice. once on sunday, and once on tuesday. after about almost a year and a half, i can see that he's grown a little. mentally and emotionally, i mean. he's still fixated on money, which i can kind of understand, considering he doesn't seem that well-to-do. i mean...i've never had my bank balance go to double digits before, and i imagine it must be a bit scary especially when asking for more money isn't really a viable option. we caught up over those 2 meetings, and it was clearer than ever to me that we could have never made it as a couple...our wavelengths, priorities, challenges, etc. are too different. i think the best thing to do is to continue interacting, but keep him at a comfortable distance away. kind of like a friends with benefits-type deal. i'm definitely not having him over for the foreseeable future, or even letting him know that i have a place of my own, for that matter!

went with the biology phd to the gay bar yesterday, and let's just say it wasn't my best night there. the dead drunk guy from saturday was there, and i asked how he was after that night. he didn't seem to remember that i looked after him for a bit when he got wasted, because (or maybe he remembered and in spite of that) he basically told me rather rudely not to bother him since he's taken. temporarily putting the manner in which it was delivered aside, i would have found that reason convincing if i didn't see him in an M18 situation on saturday, with a guy who's not his boyfriend! double standard much? i still think he's good-looking, but his score just plummeted after that. well...ok lor. no loss on my end. it kind of reminded me that although the gay bar is a safe space, there will always be nasty, superficial people.

associated thoughts. there are older couples who i pass by on the street and wonder, 'how did they even get together?'. it seems like the standard strategy is to find someone while you're young and attractive, then get older and less attractive together. kind of makes me worry that i might not find anyone, especially since i'm not getting any younger, but logically i know that looks aren't everything - character and personality matter more. it's just a matter of time and the number of guys i meet. for perspective, it's not like i'm desperate for a partner; the current arrangement of having people over on some nights is quite nice. i get my alone time and the occasional sleep companion!

GD's situation and the encounter with that guy just illustrated to me that we want what we can't have the most. money, in the former, and the guy in the latter before i found out he's a dirtbag. seems like it's hardwired into human nature. knowing that, it's just a matter of acknowledging the feeling, but not letting it linger or snowball.

also related to the gay bar visit, i realize that the biology phd and i are kind of also on different wavelengths. i mean, i find our conversations nice when we meet, but they're not engaging in a sense that i'm neutral about whatever we talk about, and i don't have a desire to keep the conversation going. i don't know...it makes me less inclined to meet him. i guess this is another one of those interactions that are better with a bit more distance. second thing that came out of yesterday was that i met another guy at the gay bar. this one's not a prospect at all, but i was really impressed by him. he's tall, has beautiful eyes, and speaks well! he also made his limits clear, and the reason for those limits are because he promised his girlfriend. unlike the other guy, i saw him actively enforcing them by reminding the people he was playing with. i really respect that, and it gives me hope.

usual routine tomorrow, though i'm still deciding if i should go to the gay bar. it's not a must, and i save money by not going. but tomorrow is a really M18 event, which should be fun. we'll see. dinner with some of my guildmates on sunday because two of them (just?) moved into a new place. not going to forget this time. that session with the MD on monday, and i think that's it for big events in the next few days. didn't realize the coming wednesday is a public holiday, which is a nice surprise. i knew about sunday and monday, because i planned my thailand trip and took leave based on that. the next public holiday is national day, i think? after that it's a drought for like 2 months before deepavali in november, by which time i should hopefully be safe for promotion. that's still a bit far, but it's good to have an overall vision, right?

-random thought of the day: The Mizuno shirts came in!-

It's sunday, and i'm out of bed before noon!? what sorcery is this? it's because i have to go to the gym, then meet with GD later. still mildly wary, but i figure that if i think rationally and not let hormones make decisions for me, i should be good.

yesterday was quite eventful. had a previous tuition kid come for makeup. last i heard was that he withdrew at the beginning of the year, but rejoined sometime later. he says sec 3 is killing him. and knowing that he's from the same ACS school as ACS boy, it kind of makes me wonder about the quality of their chemistry department. of course, it's only a sample size of 2, and it's a biased sample because the kids who are good at chemistry won't be looking for tuition. to be fair, it may not necessarily be their or the teachers' faults. secondary school kids can be disruptive, and sometimes other kids suffer as collateral damage. but well. not much point thinking in that direction, i think. my job is just to teach them for those 2 hours every saturday.

went to the gay bar after tuition, since they were open in the afternoon and made more sense to go direct (shorter distance). i had a pretty good time, although someone getting drunk kind of put a mild damper on things. so that someone is 21, tall, built, pretty cute face. but he got drunk...like, dead drunk. that in itself is ok; i don't mind taking care of drunk people, as long as they don't vomit on me. but i do think that inebriation to the point of losing control brings out the worst in people, which is decidedly unsexy. he was acting possessive over another guy that i was talking to (they know each other, but aren't a couple), and i thought that it was just ugly in general. makes me wonder if the alcohol removed his inhibitions and allowed him to express his secret crush. although someone else said he already has a boyfriend...? anyway, i'm too old for those kinds of games. it was fun interacting with that other guy, but i refuse to waste any brain cells getting tangled up in petty emotional stuff.

in a way, i'm grateful that i have the benefit of emotional stability/maturity that comes with age...or at least it should. younger me would probably not be as chill about the whole thing. to give myself credit, i think this whole mindset change about not being desperate for a relationship or even physical intimacy is contributing to the emotional stability/maturity. that, and the fact that i have evidence that people find me attractive and do want me physically! sorry, i think it might be crossing into bragging territory a little by now. consider it making up for the first 29 years of my life, i guess? or maybe 16 years, if we consider from the start of puberty until 29 years old. also kind of makes me wish that i could go back in time to tell 27 year-old me to just break up with the first ex sooner, and just go play the field. the reason i held on and waited for him to love me for so long was partially because i was afraid that nobody else would love me as a romantic partner, or want to be intimate with me. yes, i know that hindsight is 20/20, and i had to experience that to really learn the lesson. doesn't stop me from wishing, though!

this coming week should be a bit more relaxed. not much scheduled on the NSFW front, except a gay bar visit on thursday. work-wise, i want to talk to my mentor about that annoying case that i've been sitting on for over a week. need some ideas on how to approach it. one of my colleagues also gave me additional information about the promotion process, which makes me think that starting the process later makes more sense, and i shouldn't rush to meet the deadline that my lead suggested. we're also scheduled for a closed-door session with the MD - the first time since we joined! makes me wonder why, although i think i have a pretty good idea. i'll probably use this opportunity to clarify what the process/timeline is exactly for each of the possible 2 scenarios. good news is that ACS boy is pausing tuition for the next 3 weeks, giving me one less headache and one more free night. should use it to relax more or ideally, go to the gym!

-random thought of the day: Not everyone you meet is meant to be in your life long-term.-

To say "i wasn't expecting a particular thing X" in internet meme-speak, you'd say "X wasn't on my <current year> bingo card". with that background knowledge being established, let me tell you about 2 things that definitely weren't on my 2026 bingo card.

firstly, if your knowledge of modern singaporean pop culture is above average, you'll know that the mcspicy burger from mcdonalds has a less-than-flattering nickname. it's colloquially known as the mclaosai, aka the mcdiarrhoea if translated to english (although nobody uses the english version). i think it's quite self-explanatory; people experience the namesake condition after eating it. not having eaten a mcspicy since secondary school? JC? uni? i was skeptical about it. so i ordered one yesterday...and let's just say its reputation is well-deserved. i went to the toilet 4 times in 10 hours - and 7 of those hours were spent sleeping! lesson learnt - fear the mcspicy. yesterday's one will probably be the last one i have, ever. it's kind of a hit or miss to have stomach troubles in public. thankfully the toilets in my office building are clean and well-maintained!

the next thing that wasn't on my 2026 bingo card is much bigger. GD (the gold digger from mid-ish 2024) got back in contact with me. didn't see that coming, did you!? to be fair, neither did i. i understand that he was in a relationship but had broken up, and he told me that he's been depressed. the two are probably linked, though i don't know how significantly. as horrible as it may make me sound, i gloated a bit internally. truly, the best revenge is to not care about people who have wronged you, and live your best life. i'd still do a happy dance if the most recent ex got run over by any vehicle, but that's just me. GD asked to meet up, and i agreed after some thought. let me reassure you that i don't intend to repeat my mistakes. i made it clear to him that i wasn't going to give him any financial support, to the extent that if we had a meal, we'd basically go dutch. i'm ok to buy like a side for sharing, since that's what i offer to do with my friends anyway...but that's about as far as i'll go. to be honest, the decision was influenced in part by hormones - he later asked if i'd be up for anything M-18. well...i guess we'll see how the initial part of the meetup goes. so far, what he's got going for him is that he appears regretful/remorseful, and i'll treat him as a fellow human being. nothing special.

catching up on prompts from the last post, i went to IMM last saturday after tuition to get workout shorts. out of so many shops there, none of them had my size. and not only that, they're so expensive! the lowest price i saw was like, $30-ish. the most expensive ones were from under armour, at close to $100. i think that's more like buying the brand than the actual utility of the thing. so the plan is to go to decathlon on sunday, which is also when i'll be meeting GD since he lives nearby. while i was in the west, i also took the opportunity to walk around the westgate/JEM area. as you know, i used to be semi-regular there due to dating the first ex. i haven't been there since the interview with the horrible publishing company back in 2024. i'm actually (still) a little insulted they didn't at least make me an offer, considering our relative levels of english! but it's for the best since that rejection led me to my current job, which i believe is infinitely better, judging from my friend's horror stories about that place! being there just re-confirmed what i remember from 2 years ago...it's just a place. the associated memories are all but gone.

spoke to my mentor about the case on monday, and it turns out she missed a word in the text. so the good news was my report only needed minor amendments, instead of the complete re-work that would be necessary if she'd been right. not sure if it's because of the recent cases, but i do feel a bit more confident. nowhere close to sending out cases on my own without checks, of course, but i think i'm slowly getting there. i feel like this recent batch of cases are all tricky in their own way...either the subject matter is so vague to the point that i think it's nonsensical, or the way they draft is messy to the point that i don't understand what exactly they want. i'm so grateful that i still have my mentor for case discussions...i'd have no idea how to tackle them on my own!

tomorrow's meeting with the guy from last week got pushed back later...but at least he's still making the effort to come over. but that leaves me with a 4-ish hour gap to fill between after work and when he reaches. maybe i should do a grocery run...i need vegetables. well, i'm sure i'll find ways to fill the time up.

-random thought of the day: Brain over hormones!-

Contrasting experiences over the past few days have given me some food for thought. background/context first. last thursday, i invited crochet guy to spend monday night here. he said yes at first, but flaked out when i texted him on the day itself to confirm. and it wasn't like something urgent came up - he simply forgot to update me about his change of mind. i'm going to put it up to his age and the associated poorer communication skills, which also makes me doubt his competence as an insurance agent. note to self: find a backup agent in AIA, just in case.

separately, i went to the gay bar this past sunday. i wasn't expecting much, but i got acquainted and made out with a pretty muscular guy who (say it with me, now) is partnered and in an open relationship. he's a couple of years younger than me, and we work in neighbouring buildings! as a result, we had lunch yesterday, and made arrangements for him to come over on wednesday. that night, he texted to reschedule to next week, and was super apologetic about it. so far, i'd say he already did all that's required of him. but today, he went above and beyond by asking if he could come over after work. since i had some time before tuition, he did, and good times were had...let's just leave it at that.

a bit more about this guy. he's pretty cute, easy to talk to, and i quite like spending time with him! but i also know he's not a relationship prospect. see, he was diagnosed with cancer some time ago, and his partner has been with him through the whole thing. if their love can endure cancer, i'm pretty certain that it can endure me - not that i'd try splitting them up! they're romantically closed anyway, and i respect that. also (i think) because of his cancer diagnosis, he's an excellent example of "making every second count". imagine - he has a full-ish schedule, including gymming 6 days a week!

what's also amazing to me is that he finds me attractive. from his behaviour so far, including making the effort to come by just for an hour or so, i don't think he's faking it. i'm still having a bit of difficulty processing it, especially since i really don't think i'm all that attractive. but that's also because we know our own flaws the best, and give them more weight compared to our plus points. specific to my case, i'm not my own type. anyway, i'm happy to get more evidence that there seems to be someone out there for me (physically, at least), and it all i need to do is to put myself out there more.

those 2 experiences were like night and day! i guess there's a certain thinking pattern that develops with age. i'd call it maturity or responsibility, the underlying idea is close enough to be interchangeable in this case. as usual, i'm going to do my newton's third law thing, and engage them with the same level of enthusiasm that they show me.

while i do have some other thoughts to blog about, it's getting late and i'll probably save them for the next post. as a reminder to myself, these thoughts include my unfruitful trip to IMM, the result of discussing the case with my mentor, and getting exercise shorts.

-random thought of the day: Schedule a decathlon visit!-

Waited a bit too long to leave the office, and got caught in a downpour. fortunately, i was smart enough to bring my umbrella today, and just got a tiny bit wet. my shoes though...not so lucky. well, at least they have plenty of time to dry out.

it's the end of another week! this week was fairly routine, not much to write home about. my lead called me in for a one-on-one chat, where he checked in and asked how i was doing, facing any difficulties, the usual check-in-ny stuff. i told him i was good, just vexing over the occasional weird case. he then mentioned that he'd calculated my point tally, and that if i got another 30 points in the next 5 months (by end-september), we could begin the promotion process. it's a bit earlier than what i had planned, but it's doable. i kind of regret not pushing my submissions towards the last 2 months of last year! see, the issue is the promotion timeframe is a rolling 12-month period. and my points for last october were higher than my november and december scores. that means that if i want to use my october 2025 points, i have to meet the cutoff by this september. it's actually a bit more stressful because of the lower points per month last year, but i guess we'll see how it goes. at least i have my original goal of meeting the cutoff by december as a baseline. side note: i was quite amazed that he calculated it for me! shows that he cares.

oh, i'm happy to update you that my mentor agreed with my draft after i pointed out a limitation on a structure which she'd overlooked. feels like growth! again, i'm not gloating, nor is this a contest or an argument i have to win. in fact, you could argue that i need to make my notes clearer so she doesn't spend extra time trying to understand my point! i feel like knowing that my mentor may not always be right is also another way to keep me on my toes. speaking of which, she returned me a case today with comments that i don't agree with and don't understand the basis for. but then, it could be because the drafting was a bit weird and she interpreted a particular sentence differently from how i did. plan is to ask her about it next monday. best case scenario: i make other amendments that she suggested and it goes through. worst case, i have to write a longer report.

ACS boy is giving me a tiny bit of trouble. for the past 2 weeks, he's been doing half of whatever i assigned, with the excuse that he didn't see/notice one part of the memo (i write down the assigned homework in a notebook for our reference). i let it slide the first time, but not the second. if it happens again, i think i'll just end it there. it's compounded by his attitude...he says he understands everything, but can't answer questions about the content we literally just went through. while the money is good, it's not worth my effort to teach an apparently unmotivated kid. if i wanted to do that, i'd join MOE! but well...i'll probably stick it out until the end of this month.

what else has happened? not much, now that i actually think about it. got some advice from a friendly guy at the gym, and i'll be changing an exercise next push day. don't really have anything NSFW lined up this week, except for a gay bar visit on sunday. next week should be fun, crochet guy and the other guy should be coming over - not together, just to be clear. also, i hope to get the first horrible case out and into the first round of checks. i think a fresh pair of eyes would help.

-random thought of the day: Sleepy weather!-

Bleh day in the office today. it wasn't bad exactly, but sleeping late last night and waking up before my alarm this morning, coupled with the rainy weather, meant that i was rather unproductive. as i feared, the cases i looked at last friday seem like they're going to be annoying. one case had 19 cited prior art! for perspective, a typical case will have anywhere from 1 to 6 citations on average, and i'd already consider 6 a little excessive. 19 is WAY out there. thankfully not all of them are relevant, but it will also mean that i need to find other more relevant documents. can't win here, can i!?

gay bar visit yesterday was better than expected. i realize that i enjoy myself more when a particular team of staff is working, or even if they're just physically there. cute bartender is one of them, plus this other older guy who is very masculine, yet gives me a kind of motherly vibe. as for why, i guess because we're more on the same wavelength, and it's easier to talk to them. last night started out a bit awkward/slow, but as the night went on, i somehow found myself making out with this guy who is 1-2 years older than me. i'm saying this next thing just to give you a better picture and not to belittle him at all - he's not going to win manhunt or mr. universe anytime soon. to be fair, neither am i. the point i want to make is that in spite of that, i found myself extremely attracted to him. conversation was easy, he's got a super nice smile, and yes, the making out was fantastic as well. in my downtime at work today, i found myself wondering what it'd be like if we dated, which made me a bit sad that i'm single while he's partnered and in an open relationship (seems like a recurring theme, doesn't it?). but considering how little i know of him now, my rational side recognizes that it's infatuation. we're scheduled to meet up again sometime in the next 2 weeks, where i think we'll get to know each other much better. that should give me a more balanced perspective.

this interaction with him also got me wondering if i should be focusing more effort on finding an older partner. i mean, the younger guys are nice to look at and play with, but i realize that most of them can't hold an interesting conversation. not to mention that most of them are still exploring and don't want to be tied down yet. the motherly bartender i was talking to mentioned that there were 3 tiers of gay guys - the best ones are taken, the next-best are attractive but wouldn't make good partners for various reasons, and the bottom tier are the rejects. i think it's kind of harsh, considering i'd be bottom tier according to this classification! no point thinking about this too much, the plan is still to tend the garden and let things happen naturally. of course, i can do my part by putting myself out there and being more adventurous. as a bonus, it should mean more opportunities to enjoy making out with attractive guys!

it's a weird coincidence, but a lot of people in my peripheral circles have been passing away recently. you know about uncle from the last post, and a colleague also passed away a month or two ago from illness. when i logged into teams today, i saw an announcement that another colleague had passed away over the long weekend. don't know why yet, but that's not important now. the sobering thing is that these colleagues were relatively young. kind of makes me worry a bit, that an unexpected early death might render me unable to enjoy my life according to plan. but rationally, there's nothing i can do if my time is really up. i guess that's why while delayed gratification is good, it has to be balanced with "use the fine china". as long as i don't go overboard in either direction, it should be fine.

tomorrow brings a discussion with my mentor. she actually asked me to look for her in the office today, but i'd forgotten details about the case since i'd submitted it last week. i read through my argument before leaving work, and i remember why i wrote things the way i did. hope it'll make sense to her. i feel like if she agrees with me, it'll be a sign of growth. but it shouldn't be an ego thing; what's most important is that the report we send out meets quality standards, regardless of who's right. other than that, it seems to be a fairly routine week. my plan is to finish the 2 weird cases by friday, and ask for a new batch of files. praying for less weird cases!

-random thought of the day: Irrational feelings aren't fun.-

News from japan - my JET successor told me that she's planning on breaking contract and leaving in may. it came as quite a surprise since i got the impression that she seemed to be enjoying her JET life when i spoke to her in march last year. but then, a lot of things can change in a year! i casually asked her why, and she hasn't replied. i'm not overly concerned; it's up to her to decide if she wants to tell me - she doesn't owe me an explanation. it could be for a million reasons...salary too low, feeling homesick, dissatisfaction somewhere, differences in teaching philosophy, a better job opportunity, it's really anybody's guess. looks like she lasted for just under 2 years, which i think is a respectable time.

her leaving kind of increases my (emotional) distance from the town as well. while i still know the people in the town hall, i won't be able to get information from the new JET (her successor) since there's no reason for me to know them. but it's not like i need it, since most of the kids i've had significant interactions with have graduated. i wonder if they still remember me now? this academic year, the sec 3s are the kids who i taught up to primary 5. my colleague's daughter was in that class, but i think she went to another secondary school. and the primary 1s from that year would be...primary 4 now? forgive me if it's wrong, you know maths isn't my thing. assuming i didn't mess the calculations up, i won't know or have had significantly interacted with any of the kids in the schools by 2032. well...maybe except my supervisor's kids. her son should be in sec 2 by then, and her daughter should be in upper primary. that's how it is though...time passes, things change, people move on.

closer to home, i had an enjoyable (and completely SFW) dinner and dessert with someone i met from the gay bar. he's the bi guy who wants kids someday. i found out that he's a year younger than me, has a phd in biology, and is working in a scientific company. he's a pretty nice guy; we seem to get along fine. i did a bit of CSI on his academic history, and he's good. like, a couple of first-author publications, and a whole bunch of papers as non-first author as well. interestingly, he prefers to be taken care of and projects a kind of soft/submissive vibe, which kind of matches his build (slender, shorter than me, surprisingly broad shoulders, with some muscles all over). i like it, but i know he's not a romantic prospect. well, the plan is to hang out as friends (with occasional benefits, ideally), which is fine with me.

saw on facebook this morning that the auntie who ran the science library photocopy/print shop when i was an undergrad posted that her husband passed away. i know/knew both of them, since they worked together in the photocopy shop. while they were completely capable of changing roles, auntie would typically be more student-facing (collecting payments, processing print jobs), while uncle would usually handle the more technical things (copier maintenance, troubleshooting). they worked really well together, and i don't think i ever saw them argue or have any form of conflict - i have literally never heard them say a mean word about each other, not even in jest! we became friends because i preferred to pay for my print jobs by cash, which necessitated talking to auntie a lot, to the point where she remembered my student ID and would key it in in advance when she saw me approaching the counter. i didn't know they were a couple at first, because uncle looked quite a bit older than auntie (don't remember their actual age gap, but i'm pretty sure it's within 10-15 years). over the course of several semesters, i found out more about them and their story. apparently, uncle was a car salesman and auntie was a product promoter in a department store when they first met. i seem to recall auntie said she wasn't interested at in uncle first, but his sincerity/perseverance eventually won her over and they tied the knot. they were married for 30 years, up till his passing!

they left NUS sometime during my third or fourth year of undergrad, and we still met up a couple of times after that. during our last meeting in maybe 2017 or 2018, auntie shared that she'd had some health complications, like a 1.5kg cyst or tumour (i can't remember which) in her womb, which meant that they had to move back to malaysia for some time for her treatment. but she'd recovered, and they were back in singapore to work again. they appeared as loving as ever to each other, which is something i really admire. it was also during that meeting that i came out to them, and they were nothing but accepting and supportive. i also remember that i told them i was interested in a malaysian guy at that time, and that i'd bring him to meet them if we got together (we didn't). sometime during JET (i think 2022 or 2023?) i noticed from auntie's posts that uncle had started using a wheelchair. no idea what happened, and i didn't ask. but i did notice that uncle had gotten noticeably thinner and more frail. considering i used to see how he zoomed around the photocopy shop, i know the difference! and that leads us to today, and this unfortunate piece of news.

if there's one word i'd use to describe auntie and uncle, it'd be "simple". meant in a completely non-derogatory way, to be clear. from what i saw, they lived simple lives - not worrying about social status, finances/debt, or any of the first world problems that seem to plague most people here. just working, spending their free time volunteering and practising religion. despite not being super rich or holding any fancy titles, they appeared (and i believe they were) happy just to be together and have each other. that kind of simple/uncomplicated love is incredibly rare. i think i'd be blessed if i experienced it even once in this lifetime, and that's why they are my go-to example for "all you need is love/love is all you need". it's because of this that i feel the sadness of uncle passing away early is compounded, especially for auntie. i should check in on her, send a message to extend my condolences and let her know she's in my thoughts.

what else has happened? scary JC friend is back from taiwan, and she brought us a whole bunch of stuff. she gave me a pass holder + lanyard, and a keychain of a duck that becomes more red (roasted) as the temperature goes up. the pilgrimage and course seem to have helped her spiritually, which seems to be good. she was telling me that they spoke about "energy" a lot. of particular relevance to me is the idea that things lying around unused accumulate bad energy over time. sounds like pseudoscience mumbo-jumbo, but i also acknowledge that it could be a form of energy that current science can't detect or quantify. need to put more effort into unpacking and giving away things that i don't need. the mantra/catchphrase they taught for decluttering was "道歉, 道谢, 道别", which means to apologize to the item, telling it that your time together has come to an end, show appreciation/gratitude for its role in your life so far, and say goodbye to it. i forget if it's this exact order, but you get the idea. i really need to dedicate one afternoon to clearing at least one box, especially since i know there are some things there i can live without.

a couple of weeks ago, i expressed interest in an event that an owner of the gay bar is organizing. it's around end-may/early june, and is in bangkok to coincide with bangkok pride. so i figured i'll go and explore a bit. i've booked flights, accommodation, and plan to apply for leave on monday for the 4-day trip. i feel more trepidation travelling to thailand than japan despite japan being further away, but i'm not surprised, considering my history with each of those countries. i think this might be my first proper solo trip to thailand! previous trips were with friends, mostly. no serious agenda for this trip, just planning to experience pride and catch up with jedi master, who i haven't met in a while as he's trying to be frugal and thus not planning trips back to singapore for the near future.

tomorrow brings gym (will try to go in the morning to have time for laundry in the afternoon), and perhaps a gay bar visit. still undecided about the latter, but the option is there. more cases to submit next week, plus might need to request new ones again. i'm getting through this bunch quite quickly! thankfully most of them were straightforward both science- and legal-wise, only requiring minor amendments. the last 2 cases appear to be weird, from the brief look i had of them last friday. hope they don't give me too much trouble.

-random thought of the day: Clear at least one box before Thailand!-