6 hours or so of rain caused temperature lows today, which meant that it was perfectly conducive for doing nothing. would i trade 6 hours of rain a day for cooler temperatures? probably, if i could decide the raining hours and rain intensity. while i spent almost the whole day in bed, i managed to muster enough energy to clean the filter of the air-con unit in my room, and go get some groceries. the filter was dustier than i'd thought it would be. the app recommends 720 hours of use between cleanings. i use the air-con from 11pm to 7am the next morning (8 hours a night), so it seems that i should clean it every 90 days, or 3-ish months. i'm mildly ashamed to admit that this is the first time ever i've cleaned the filter...6 months too late! it does seem that dust accumulation on the filters is proportional to how heavily the individual air-con unit is used. i checked the living room unit's filter (i turn it on for an hour a week just to let the system run, and whenever i have guests, which is not often), and there was barely anything there! i expect the common room unit's filter to be in a similar condition, so i decided to put off checking it.

might as well do the quarterly check-in now. since it's not over yet, i'll write in present tense. Q3 is good in general, but there were problems carried over from previous quarters. i think the best aspect is work, in that i met the promotion KPI target in spite of the change of file management system, and even got my lead's approval to request sponsorship for the masters course. i will say that i'm still not very confident about the quality of my work, but that's another kind of translucent criteria as i've mentioned before. still, i'm reassured as i seem to be meeting my mentor's expectations most of the time.

sort of work-adjacent, but tuition is going ok. the kids are having their year-end exams this coming week, so the stressful period is almost over for them, as well as for me! this change of location is really a push factor away from continuing with tuition. to be fair, it isn't the only one. other push factors include giving up half of my saturday, and having kids who don't seem to be responding well to me. but well, i promised to follow these kids all the way to O-levels. if next year's schedule is similar to this year's, the last class for sec 4 chemistry should be in end-october. just a year and a month more to go!

on the social front, i maintained my interpersonal relations quite well, i think. having interactions with gym guy, crochet guy and the other guy both in and outside of the bedroom, plus making a new friend in the form of doctor guy. i'm supposed to be introduced to his partner soon too, which i'm quite looking forward to. not much progress with cute bartender, but i think that wasn't going to work out from the get-go anyway. well, at least we're still on friendly terms, and seeing him does my heart good. i think it was a good decision to reduce my gay bar visits (also partially due to COVID), as it helped me focus more on and deepen existing friendships. as mentioned in the last post, i've got some thoughts about romantic relationships and partners which are not quite yet ready to see the light of day. all in good time.

the biggest problem with Q3 is in the health/fitness realm. COVID plus a lack of motivation and a wonky left shoulder meant that i was away from the gym for quite a while. yes, i'm aware that it's an excuse. i'm still trying to figure out how i can be more active after work or on weekends. worse than the reduced activity, my intake seems to have increased as well. kind of makes me wonder if i should see a nutritionist/dietician or even a psychotherapist to figure out what else i can do, because willpower doesn't seem to be cutting it.

looking forward to Q4, it's basically more of the same. still need to hit an extended KPI target by december, just in case something goes wrong with this round of promotion. i don't foresee that being out of reach, as i need another maybe 12 points in 3 months, which is very doable. i'll want to go higher to secure a good performance grade, though. i figure that i shouldn't worry too much about the numbers, and just keep my current pace. big events in november include the guild chalet and china trip, which will be welcome breaks from work. the idea of going to qingdao is also being floated by a few people in the alumni group. would be nice if i could make it. i haven't even touched this year's annual leave allotment yet (been using the leave i carried over from last year), so i can definitely take time off. for health/fitness, i'll try OMAD, or "one meal a day". should reduce, or preferably stop snacking in the office too. i'll also set a gymming frequency of 2 times minimum per week with at least one improvement in some way, be it in terms of weights, sets, reps, or form. something to think about in the next quarter...do i continue this gym membership? i believe i have to inform them by 19 december if i don't want to continue the contract.

since i was in bed for most of today, i went to google people from my past. it was a mixed bag of results some had not updated their linkedin for years (career history stopped in the early 2020s), while some people are doing amazing things. one of the judo juniors from SJI was sent over to the US by his company, and another one in a different company appears to be in paris. 2 of my juniors from CJC judo got their phds (one in physics, the other in engineering), and are now in postdoc or industry positions. there's one other male junior from CJC i know by virtue of his twin sister being in judo. this guy is apparently a lieutenant colonel in the army, and he's only 35 years old! he's flying so high, he's practically in orbit. that's more or less the path to become chief of army, if not the entire defence force. i'm so happy that people i have good impressions of are generally doing well. interestingly, the people i don't really care for or who left a poor impression are either just surviving in what i'd call dead-end jobs, or can't be traced. not saying that i'm a good judge of character or anything, but the data seems to suggest it. could be coincidence, for all i know. i kind of want to reconnect with some of them, but i'm not exaggerating when i say it's been close to 10 years since we last met. wonder if they'll agree?

-random thought of the day: To a good Q4!-

Festive occasions are normally a time for auspicious thoughts. unfortunately, last night's mid-autumn dinner got us (or maybe just me) thinking about death for a little bit. see, there's normally a sponsored table for former teachers at alumni celebration dinners. up till now, the 10 seats of the sponsored table have always been filled quite easily. this dinner was the first time that only half the seats were filled. and it wasn't for lack of trying, either! some teachers who used to be regular attendees are now less mobile than before, while others have passed away. among the latter group is my science teacher for sec 1 and 2, who passed away a few months ago. it was quite a shock to see her obituary in the alumni facebook group, as she seemed to be still in good health (albeit a little more frail) the last time i saw her at the CNY dinner in february. mentor figure also mentioned that some teachers who were invited asked the old boys to provide transport for them, either in the form of driving them down or sponsoring taxi fare. quite entitled of them, if you ask me, especially considering that their share of the dinner is already paid for! so, he's decided to stop organizing a sponsored teachers' table for future dinners within our group. can't say i blame him, actually.

probably a coincidence or some form of confirmation bias, but i've been thinking about the concept of impermanence recently. like, nothing's going to be around forever. and even if something by that name survives through time, it would have undergone some change that makes it not the same as an earlier version of itself. real world examples: the evolution of languages, the fall of england's oldest bank during a relatively recent financial crisis, or how national borders changed after the fall of the USSR. fictional example: how the signs representing the 4 elements changed in the most recent season of avatar (master of all 4 elements, not tall blue aliens). i've only seen the trailer, but i'm excited to catch it when it premieres! but as i was saying, nothing lasts forever. there will come a time when nobody on earth will have had any interaction with you, or remember how you look like (unless you're famous, like say einstein or hitler). i guess that's why some people want to leave a legacy, be it good or bad. i'm sure there's a deep, philosophical conclusion somewhere, but it escapes me for now.

i took the bus with scary JC friend after the dinner (she was going to meet her boyfriend at aljunied, and i was heading home in the same direction), and we talked about several things during the ride. i was telling her about the recent happenings with crochet guy (i linked them up a while back), and she thinks he's not suited for a sales role. i have a similar opinion. we both agreed that his heart's in the right place, but he's approaching it from the wrong direction. like, his immediate concern is focused on meeting his sales targets, instead of what value he can provide to his clients. thing is, it's very easy to pick up on. worse, it looks like he's using the people he talks to as a means to an end, which makes people question his sincerity. paradoxically, using people as a means to an end is kind of what sales kind of is! just that good salespeople provide value for their clients at the same time.

i can kind of understand/empathize with crochet guy's difficulty from my experience in looking for tuition students just after NS. what i did was that i asked mentor figure (who i wasn't as close to at that time) for help to find potential students among the alumni network in the form of old boys' kids. looking back, it wasn't appropriate of me to ask, since one of they key rules is that the platform is not for personal gain. but he was gracious enough to send a broadcast email out. i think he saw me as a young person looking to take on some financial responsibility, and wanted to help me get a start.

another thing we talked about was AI-assisted fortune telling. she told me that she input the relevant details into chatgpt, and asked it for a 八字 (eight characters) reading. the principle behind 八字 is that a person's fate is affected (or maybe governed/decided) by their date and time of birth. specifically, i think the 8 characters are split into 2 for the year, 2 for the month, 2 for the day, and 2 for the hour of birth. each of the characters is then assigned to an element, and the relative proportions of each element determines the personality, strengths, and weaknesses. it's so important that a superstition says never to divulge your 八字 to anyone, because others can use it to control you. it does make me wonder though, if 2 people born at the exact same time will be similar in that way even after they're grown up. odds are no because of the nature vs. nurture thing, plus there are other complementary branches of chinese fortune telling like numerology, elemental study, etc. which help to balance out a person's elements using the number of strokes and element radicals in the name they are to be given. i tried it myself, and got some surprisingly relevant results. of course, i will acknowledge that it could be cold reading and me finding my own meaning in it. at the same time, it says that my theme for this and next years is putting my knowledge to practical use, and avoiding burnout. that's quite specific and directly relevant to my job! well, i guess we'll see how close the next few years are to the readings.

pleasant surprise today, in that gym guy messaged me as i was on the way home from tuition. he was in the area, and we arranged to meet up for...activities. he also wanted to go to audio house (near my place) to look at stuff for his flat, and i tagged along. was quite a good trip; some induction cookers and water heaters caught his eye. happy that he has some alternative options now! interacting with him makes me think about what i want in a relationship. while he's a great friend to have, i'm not sure if we'd be good as partners. different level of expectations, after all. it also got me thinking about what i actually want in a partner, while some ideas are floating around in my head, they're not quite well-formed enough to post yet. maybe as part of the year-end post. one thing i want to expand on is the thought that people tend to focus more on how much value a potential partner can add to their life, as opposed to how much value they can add to a potential partner's life.

sunday tomorrow! might use the free day to do my quarterly check-in, seeing as september is ending this coming wednesday. i don't think i have any more social engagements at least until the founder's day dinner next month (which just so happens to fall on my cousin's and several friends' birthday), where i believe mentor figure will form at least one table. that's in 2+ weeks, so i have a break where i should aim to eat less and move more. not sure how successful i'll be with that!

-random thought of the day: Looking forward to a break from tuition.-

Looking at my severely underutilized oven, i figured that a cooking experiment might help change things up a bit. that's the set-up for "i tried making sio bak (chinese? cantonese? roast pork) earlier today". this time was a trial run where i just did the cooking to get the technique/process right, no marinating or adding other flavours yet. it turned out good! the skin is crunchy (if a little thick), the meat is cooked through and tender. some points which i think would improve the next run:

- use fresh pork, not frozen

- score the skin or do the poke holes thing (might help get a lighter skin layer?)

- do the final step at full blast broiler (i was impatient and didn't let the broiler heat up fully)

- scrape/wipe ALL the salt off the skin before broiling (tasted some very salty bits)

thinking of doing it for next week's alumni gathering, which means i'll have to buy the pork on tuesday or wednesday so there is ample time for the meat to marinate and the skin to dry out. just needs a bit of planning. as for this test batch, i'd rate it a 6/10. looking forward to see how much better the next batch turns out!

crochet guy was very eager to come over again this week. one thing that kind of bugs me is that he phrases it as a statement rather than a question. like, "i can come over tonight" vs. "can i come over tonight?". the former would be fine if i'd extended an invitation...but i didn't! learning from the previous experience, i asked him exactly what he wanted to do. his reply was "decide on your insurance, then chat and see where it goes". not my idea of a good time, i don't think...especially late at night. he was also quite focused on getting me to sign a new policy, because he's apparently under assessment and has until the end of this month to hit a certain dollar amount in commissions. so, i decided that his time was better spent finding clients who would actually be likely to sign with him. in the end, i told him that i'd be happy to have him over as a friend, but i would not be getting a new policy at this point. since then, it's been radio silence. i can understand why; i'd be focusing on my job over meeting guys as well, if my job was on the line! so i'll just see when he gets back in touch.

i finally realized why crochet guy doesn't quite inspire confidence in me. unpolished-ness at explaining insurance stuff to me aside, he also makes jokes which i don't think he should be making. example: the last time he was over, the conversation led to me saying "i have nothing valuable for you to steal". to which he replied "your trust". i'm pretty sure that it's a joke. but i think it's like the price anchoring thing - you're affected even though you know it's happening! not to mention that there are some things people in the service industry should never say/do, and casting doubt on your own trustworthiness probably ranks right at the top. everything just comes together and makes me feel like he views me as a client first and everything else second. so...yes. i will let him prove himself through the accident policy first, then make decisions based on that.

bright spot yesterday: met up with some of the JET friends for dinner at bugis+, as some of them were back in singapore for a short trip. also got introduced to 2 people whom i've only ever interacted with in our discord server - one just ended her full 5 year term and is now working in the local japan embassy as the JET coordinator, while the other ended a few years back and is now working in hokkaido. i also met my fellow kochi JET again; the last time i saw him was in 2024 at his place in fukuoka for CNY. it was nice to talk to them again and reminisce a bit about the japan days, plus hear their opinions on the current situation in japan. at the risk of sounding elitist, i think JET is one of those things that must be experienced to have a point of reference. some people have mentioned talking about it with their non-JET partners/friends, but it's not the same as it is with a fellow JET. we also tried to get the local alumni association to sponsor our dinner (apparently it's a thing if an event has 7 or more current JETs or alumni as attendees), but it didn't work out because we were supposed to provide advance notice. if only we found out earlier!

office day tomorrow, plus i think i want to go to the gym. i'm noticeably gaining weight, and i don't like it. but more of that in the quarterly check-in...this weekend? on the 30th? well, by the 30th, anyway. the other big event this week is the alumni mid-autumn festival dinner on friday. quite looking forward to that! otherwise, it's just the usual routine.

-random thought of the day: Get a GIRO form from POSB.-

Unmatched expectations are a cause of negativity. that's a candidate for this year's theme, but there are maybe 1-2 more in the running right now. anyway, this came to mind because of crochet guy. like i mentioned in a previous post, he wanted to come over on thursday night. considering that it was that late, i naturally thought he wanted to catch up and do some M18 activities. turns out that he finished work around 10pm and was meeting someone else at 2am (whether for M18 stuff or not, i don't know), so i guess his intention was more to stop over and rest up for a few hours. this was not communicated to me until on the day itself, which left me feeling a little disgruntled. see, i'm happy if i can make my friends' lives easier. but having incomplete information really annoys me. and the fact that i was looking forward to M18 activities with him didn't help either...although i recognize that it was an assumption on my part. a logical one, but an assumption nonetheless.

as a contrary example, i had lunch with gym guy yesterday, and he mentioned that he was going to the gay bar that night. he asked me to go too, and i told him i'd consider it. ended up deciding to go (my first time in a month or more), and met a friend of his there. the friend is (you know the drill) partnered in an open relationship, and we hit it off quite well! he's a doctor, which is nice as he gave me an idea of what the issue with my shoulder was. said there was a line of tension running across both my shoulders. going in with no expectations and getting a nice surprise is so much more preferable than the former situation!

my leave for the china trip was approved! i've also started casually browsing flights, and should get tickets soon. it'll only be my second time in china, so still a little apprehensive. adding on to that, the departing airport for the return flight is still uncertain. but i figure i should have it sorted in the next month or so.

closer to the present, i'm due to meet scary JC friend tomorrow to get mooncakes. thinking of getting one for the cleaning auntie too, but need to find a place that sells halal mooncakes. there's the alumni mid-autumn dinner this friday. before that, i'm thinking of seeing the TCM massage specialist that another old boy recommended me...although now that i've read the place's google reviews, i'm not that sure any more. i guess the only way to find out is to go down myself!

-random thought of the day: Grocery delivery tomorrow.-

Saw some things on facebook that i want to blog about. content warning: suicide.

as facebook is prone to do nowadays, it showed me posts from people i don't know. the first one was a live stream of someone in america(?) having an end-of-life celebration. i went to read through her profile, and it seems that she's been living with cancer for a while? she looked to be older, too...60s at the minimum. i checked in a few days afterwards, and there was an update from her caregivers/loved ones saying that she had passed on peacefully. apparently, her heart only stopped after 18 hours from when she was administered the drugs. didn't realize it could take that long.

last night or 2 nights ago, i was shown a post that simply said, "good bye". i went to look at the person's profile, and saw videos of previous livestreams that he did earlier that night. not thinking much of it, i went to sleep. this morning, i woke up to a random post announcing the schedule for his funeral and cremation. seems like he jumped from height after the last livestream ended. reading the funeral announcement and scrolling further down through his facebook profile, i realized that (1) we were born in the same year, and (2) he claimed to be retired as early as 2017. he was also titled as "doctor" in the announcement...made me wonder what he studied? from the info i gathered, he appeared to be doing something finance-y. that, coupled with seemingly being born into a rich family, might explain why he was able to retire before 30.

the thing i found more intriguing is that he was a prominent figure in malaysia's cosplay scene. people were saying how generous he was, and how he was a valued member of the community. there were other accounts that his suicide was because of a woman, who he spent a whole bunch of money on. seems like it was "buy her a house" levels of spending, only for the relationship to turn sour and the girl to keep all the assets. i guess being rich doesn't ensure you have enough money. it's all relative...spend more than you make, and no amount will ever be enough.

one comment in particular caught my eye. a random netizen said something to the effect of "he had such a nice face, just slim down a bit and he'd have no shortage of women". it brings me back to the same question...should people in general aim to become better-looking to attract mates, or find someone who loves them as they are now? i oscillate between both points pretty frequently, and my current philosophy leans towards the latter option, with the addendum that it's not wrong to want to look good, but it should be done for the right purposes (health, mainly - both physical and mental).

anyway, those were just some things that i wanted to get off my mind.

-random thought of the day: Go for january intake of the masters course?-

Cranky after an involuntary afternoon/evening nap. the hot weather, plus going out to meet some guildmates for lunch, plus being sick due to the haze, combined together and just knocked me out after i reached home. still, it's more productive than my usual sunday routine of doing absolutely nothing.

let's talk about being sick first. i hate it. took the opportunity to test out one of the combination COVID and flu A/B test kits that i bought online, and the good news is that it appears i'm negative for all 3 viruses. what seems to have happened is that the haze particles are irritating my respiratory system, making me produce more phlegm and mucus. the annoying thing is that it accumulates when i'm lying down, so one side of my nose will be blocked when i try to sleep. worse, the mucus and phlegm tend to dry out while i'm asleep, and i wake up to this horrible feeling of congestion that only gets better after i cough up some viscous green blobs. the coughing also makes my throat sore, so that's another L. biggest L: being sick reduces my brain's processing speed and capacity, and i go through cases much slower (provided i have the motivation to look them at all!). thankfully, i seem to be on the mend and should be better in a few more days.

as mentioned up there, i had lunch with some guildmates earlier today. we ate at yishun's yappari steak. nice that i have a direct bus there, less nice that it takes about an hour one-way. still, i think that the long commute is worth it to meet these people. the steak was at its usual standard, i went for 200g instead of my default 300g order in an effort to cut down my intake. we also talked about china trip plans; seems like we should be looking at flight prices soon. reminder to self: i should also apply for leave. quite looking forward to the trip, more so than i thought i'd be! apart from the recent sickness, i think part of the restlessness that i'm currently feeling also comes from the stir-craziness of just sticking to the usual routine with very little variation. considering that my last big holiday was in march (i'm not counting june's bangkok trip), 2 longer overseas trips per year sounds about right to keep me balanced. and thankfully, being single affords me the flexibility to just take a week or so off and disappear. no idea how my married friends and relatives plan for their family holidays. the logistics (booking flights, accommodation, setting an itinerary that will please everyone) alone sound terrifying, let alone having to wrangle kids on the trip.

small point of interest, the bus that takes me to yishun also passes by the ex's place. it's actually the same bus that he takes to work, just in the opposite direction. while passing by today, i just felt nothing. ok, not exactly nothing. i did feel nostalgia for the 8-ish months i spent there and in the vicinity, memories of commuting to and from the office, stuff like that. i also thought that given the time at which i passed by, he should have been out for lunch with his dad. but i didn't feel any sadness or regret about the relationship ending, nor did i find myself having any desire to find out how he's doing or anything. in fact, i'd say i didn't feel anything negative at all. good job, me!

not much on the agenda next week, my goal is to get out the last 2 cases from the previous bunch of files, then start to work on more recently assigned cases. socially, crochet guy says he wants to come over, so that should be nice. need to get mooncakes next weekend, as gifts for my mentor and lead. tuition-wise, the kids are due to have final exams at the end of the month. i'm pretty sure my original 3 will do decently, not so confident about the new 2. but well...one thing i learnt from the JET experience is that we can't help every kid. or put another way, not every kid is worth helping. it's beyond my pay grade to chase them for work, constantly repeat basic concepts, and enforce discipline in class...especially when it's to the detriment of the majority. we'll see how things go with them.

-random thought of the day: Still coughing.-

Genius (read "dumbass") me did something amazing(ly stupid) today. i went to get groceries this afternoon, and that included some frozen stuff. upon reaching home, i dutifully put them in the freezer, but didn't realize that the freezer door didn't close properly. took me about 4 hours to discover it! thankfully, most of the stuff is vacuum-packed, which should mitigate the damage somewhat. the only things i'm worried about are the 2 packs of frozen oysters. i polished 1 off earlier, and it seemed ok. next one soon, i guess.

it's been a...sub-optimal past few days, with 2 bright spots. first was dinner with my chemistry friend on sunday. he updated me about some significant changes in his life, and i hope they work out for him. we ate at carnivore, as planned, and the food was good. i especially liked this beef stew thing they had, as well as the picanha (rump cap) steak which was served by the roving meat people. i'm proud to say that i didn't overeat! although i kind of wish i had the stomach capacity i did in my 20s. we then had more conversation over drinks, and i updated him on the whole relationship thing too. drinking tea (chagee) at 9+ at night was definitely not the right move though...i didn't sleep until about 3am.

that led to me feeling tired on monday, which was when bright spot #2 came in. had lunch and a drink with gym guy, and we agreed to go for a massage later that night. he brought me to his regular place at fu lu shou complex (my first time in there despite passing by more times than i can count). the therapist was not bad, although i don't have very many points of reference! i also opted to add on cupping therapy, and my back now has several red and purple circles. i find it quite interesting, that different areas will turn different colours. it's supposed to be linked to what's wrong with your body, but i don't have much knowledge in that regard. kind of want to do it more often.

other news: ministerial salary increment. i have strong opinions on that. but so as not to bore you, i'll just say that i don't think their shameless money grab is justified. their increment alone is more than what some people make in 10 years. the mental gymnastics they go through to reconcile "we need high pay to attract top talent" and "serving as a politician shouldn't be about the money". i wish i had the power to change something, but with the amount of power/ability i have now, the best i could possible do is change my country of residence. well...i'm just hoping that (best case) change to a different party in power happens while i'm still alive, or (2) the current ruling party only runs singapore down into the ground after i'm dead.

i've reached a kind of equilibrium as far as interpersonal relations go. recently, i saw one guy in his 20s(?) who resorted to making adult content when he was financially strapped during COVID. today, he seems to be doing well - having a watch collection, apparently making 6 or 7 figures, seeing clients (of what variety, i don't know). strangely, i don't feel envious. i guess it's because i don't have the looks/body or the courage to do what he did. can't blame people for using their natural gifts, right? like how i'm using my scientific brain for work. i might have taken a different path if i looked like him. fun to imagine alternative lives!

-random thought of the day: Scratchy throat and sinuses from the haze!-

KPI tracker came in today, although it only shows data until 1 september. if the numbers are accurate, i am very close to hitting my promotion target. considering that i also submitted some cases over the past 3 days, it's quite possible that i've already hit it! it's kind of a relief, to have a bit more certainty. even if i haven't hit it yet, i'll be submitting at least another 2 cases (if not 4) between now and month-end, so i'm not worried about missing the mark for points.

what i AM worried about though, is the other criteria for determining promotion - quality. it's not exactly opaque, but not clear, either. i think i'll call it translucent. like, we're told about the mistakes in our reports that we'll be marked down for, but we're not told how many mistakes we're "allowed", be it per report or over what duration. still, my lead assures me that as long as we're doing our best, it should be fine. i updated him about my plan to go for the masters, and he's supportive! the plan is for me to get a C+ performance grade this year.

the goal's been set, and new information has come to light. time for some planning! the latest news i have that's confirmed by management is that the earliest our promotions will kick in is from 1 january next year, meaning that we will finish this year with a lower KPI target (separate from promotion target). that's good, because it means it's easier to exceed and thus get a higher performance grade. meeting the annual target (100%) basically guarantees a C, but the cutoff for C+ or higher grades in general is another kind of translucent thing. that's because of the "graded on a curve" thing, where only the top x% gets it. so for example, you'll get a higher grade if everyone else barely makes 100% and you hit 110%. but if you get 110% and everyone else gets 120%, you're out of luck.

i forget the exact number, but i think there are about 50 people at my current rank. i'd ideally want to be in the top 5 (ie. top 10%) just for added security/confidence, but i think aiming for top 10 (ie. top 20%) should be safe. if i keep my current pace, my projected year-end number should be 150% of my base goal, which would be awesome. realistically, i don't think i'll hit that because of the november holiday. plus, things tend to slow down at year-end. the plan is to just maintain my current pace, and adjust as necessary over the next few months.

another thing i spoke to my lead about was the masters course. he's supportive, and if all goes well, i'll be able to start next july at the earliest. january would have been nice, but there's not enough time. i kind of want to do it ASAP, because my previous colleagues have said that taking the course while still young is the way to go. i don't know if i feel like my rate of knowledge absorption has gone down, but i do know that i definitely don't have the stamina (both physical and mental) to do another bachelors degree. at least the masters is like, 6 or 7 modules, which shouldn't be too bad. target is to finish it in 3 semesters (1.5 years), which should make the course load manageable, alongside my workload. step by step, aim for the C+ first!

-random thought of the day: Let's keep it up!-

While i don't think i'm sick again, i've been feeling a bit low-energy recently. i suppose sleep quality is a contributing factor...i've been getting up in the middle of the night to use the toilet every night for at least the past 4-5 nights. not sure what the reason could be, but my guess is that i shouldn't take my vitamin B supplement a few hours before sleeping since it's supposed to help with energy-yielding metabolism (according to the text on the bottle). going to shift it to the mornings to see if that helps. another reason could be because i haven't hit the gym in almost a month. partially due to COVID, mostly due to laziness.

it's september! this time last year, i'd just moved into marine parade and was slowly getting back on my feet. i still remember operating on a somewhat "survival" mindset, not wanting to do anything but the bare minimum needed to keep myself going. how things have changed! i'm now comfortable, happy, and generally in a much better place.

unfortunately, i think there are still some vestiges of last year hanging about. i submitted 2 cases to my mentor recently, and they came back with more comments and suggestions for revisions than usual. maybe because i feel like i should be producing work of a higher standard, it didn't feel good to see that i made some mistakes which are probably not as forgivable now. well, i guess as long as it doesn't happen too often.

remember what i said about singapore becoming a powder keg? so recently, there was news about how a drinks stall owner in a coffee shop threw a customer's water bottle on the ground because the customer ate there but had their own water instead of buying drinks from his stall. they only got into a verbal argument, and the thing was posted online, as usual these days. it makes me think that i'm lacking in personal cultivation, because if someone had deliberately thrown my water bottle, there would be damage to at least their property, if not their physical selves. i'm still baffled by the stupidity shown by some people. i'm also grateful that i'm not a big fan of nasi lemak, and live far enough from the incident area that i wouldn't go unless my friends decided to have a gathering there.

some of the guildmates are planning a trip to china, and i indicated interest to join them. the plan is to visit chengdu, which i hear is the LGBT capital of china. there are some other places as well, but i think that'll be the highlight for me. also i don't have enough time to join them for the full 2 weeks, so i'll travel with them for the first week, then fly back on my own. not being very experienced with china, i'm content to follow along and see the sights with no expectations. on a related note, i'm kind of interested to travel to the town in xiamen that my paternal grandparents were from. or maybe it's a city now, i actually don't know. should do that while my workload is still manageable and i'm not too old.

tomorrow brings a call with my mentor to discuss one of the 2 cases i mentioned earlier. she's now also mentoring one of the newbies, for a total of 4 people. i should do what i can to make her life easier. still waiting to confirm my points on the KPI tracker, which has been delayed to the end of this week. there are also 2 upcoming office events - a team bonding and a D&D, both scheduled sometime in october. outside of work, i'm due to meet my friend for dinner on sunday. we're going to carnivore! it'll only be my second time, and probably the last since the only remaining branch is closing at the end of the month. i also want to go back to the gym, probably tomorrow or thursday. might schedule a gay bar visit on friday if i'm feeling up to it. i think i've got some thoughts about the whole gay experience here in singapore, but you've probably heard most of them in some shape or form in previous posts. not sure if i have any new material to value-add to that yet. we'll see. maybe i'll do a whole post about it closer to year-end, as i get more reflective.

-random thought of the day: Focus on cases!-

Dolly Parton passed away this past week. the news broke late enough on tuesday night or early enough on wednesday morning (local time) for me to wake up to it. not the best way to start the day, i assure you! i remember my first thought being, 'oh, hell' after my brain registered it. for some reason, i've been affected by this more than i imagined. considering i'm not a big listener of her music - i only recognize the beginning of '9 to 5', and the version of 'i will always love you' i know best is the whitney houston one. so i don't understand why i'm feeling this sense of loss. i guess it's because her philanthropy and personality shone brighter than her already prodigious talent as a musician. it's amazing that despite her musical success, most of the stories i'm seeing are about what an amazing person she was. i've been watching stuff on instagram about her imagination library, her quick-witted quips, and her ability to laugh at herself ("it takes a lot of money to look this cheap"). makes me think i need to be more like her...don't care too much about what others think or say about me, and just focus on being the best person i can be. no doubt that it's easier said than done, especially with interactions over the internet. but i figure i should at least try.

it seems famous people have been dropping like flies in the past week; there were a bunch more celebrities who passed away, even the king of norway! august truly is cursed. ok, that might be my bias from last year coming through. personally, i'm happy that august is almost over. i'm also thankful that it was an ok month, perhaps even bordering on positive. shows me that i can rise above a bad situation.

one thing that made the last week good was the 2 days of IP week. was nice to dress up a bit, spend some time away from the office, and socialize/catch up with people whom i don't see too often. my secondary school senior, for one, who's now head of IP for a big china company. i also found out that one of my juniors who was hired 6 months after me is my junior from secondary school as well. he's like, 9 years younger or something, so we never met before joining the same company. is that why i felt a bit more drawn to him? well...he does like japan too, so maybe it's that we have more interests in common. i also made some new contacts in the IP world, including attorneys and lawyers of varying experience levels. most interestingly, we (ex-employees of the accursed IP firm) caught up with each other. it's happened for 2 out of 2 years so far that i've been at IP week, and it's actually quite nice to see them again! we jokingly call it trauma bonding or group therapy, but i think there's an element of truth behind those names. something a former colleague said stuck with me - we don't know anyone who left the accursed IP firm and is worse-off now. i heard stories from people who joined and left in more recent years, and it seems that the same problems/issues are persisting. i was told that my old boss also made an appearance at IP week, but i didn't see her. no loss to me. word is that she mellowed out a bit in recent years. too late, as far as i'm concerned.

met crochet guy this past week as well. kind of told him that his sales style wasn't working very well with me, and he says that other people have also given him feedback on his communication. i kind of think he's on the spectrum a bit, but then again so are most people - myself included. he also shared that he's having some difficulty with his KPI for appraisal, which i would expect to be linked to the communication issue. unfortunately, i don't have any advice for him. and given that i'm not very sales-y or a very people person, i don't know how useful/correct my advice would be anyway. i did tell him something which i thought would help, and that's to talk to scary JC friend. she seems to be flourishing in her real estate career, which i'm completely unsurprised by. hopefully she'll be able to give him more relevant advice. i wonder if that conversation changed the dynamic between crochet guy and myself? guess i'll find out in the coming weeks/months.

tuition today was tiring. i suggested extra catch-up sessions for the 2 guys after regular class, and we did the first of 2 sessions today. i'm really hoping that it helps them to be clearer on the fundamentals. the plus side is that the weaker one seemed to have an "aha" moment. with luck, that will keep his interest and motivate him to study more. like the situation with crochet guy, only time will tell.

this coming week is the start of september! quarter 3 is coming to an end. i'm interested to see my points on the KPI tracker that's supposed to be released on tuesday. which reminds me - i should submit a case on monday just to make sure it gets counted in my august numbers. i don't think i have very many social engagements this month, the main 2 are dinner with one of the chemistry guys next sunday, and the annual old boys' mid-autumn festival dinner on the 25th. work-wise, it's more of the usual. i'm presenting on a case in my division meeting, which is on monday too. might take some time to look through the slides again tomorrow.

-random thought of the day: Didn't go to the gay bar this month!-

Bad-quality sleep last night meant i was quite low-energy today. still, i managed to make it through the alumni gathering, tuition, and even a short pit stop at the office(!). before all of that, i'll just recap dinner yesterday.

we ate at this place called omu nomu, which promotes itself as a sake and raw bar. they offer cooked food too, so it's kind of misleading. but i'm not complaining at a greater variety of food! it was good in general, but super pricey...about $90 per person before the $40 voucher! i think the best dish for me was the foie gras skewers. surprisingly for a sake place, the sake was a bit of a letdown. thankfully i was there more for the food, so i didn't leave disappointed. in a surprising change, scary JC friend didn't drink all that much either. the lacklustre first cup of sake didn't give her confidence to order more, i guess.

i basically hit the sack after coming home (before midnight), and ended waking up at 4+ am. thought i heard some hammering noises. considering it's the 7th lunar month now, my imagination went wild for a bit. i used to be way more afraid of any potential paranormal things, but moving to japan pretty much cured me of that. my reasoning was that if i don't bother whatever's out there, whatever's out there won't bother me too. and considering that nothing happened despite the ulu-ness of japan (you could probably hide a body in the mountains and forests), i think it's less likely to happen in urban singapore. side note: can't remember who told me this or where i read it from, but i remember the message being "cemeteries/graveyards aren't scary because the people in there are someone's loved ones". the noises at all odd hours here (mainly vehicle noises) do make me miss the silence of nighttime rural japan, though.

not going to make a habit of it at this time, but i went back to the office today. the reason was that i forgot to send a case out yesterday. normally, that wouldn't be big enough of a deal to make me return to the office on a weekend. but as part of the changes to our workflow, we're also changing the format of our reports a little. so all reports with the old template have to be sent out either by or before next monday - i forgot which. if you know my luck, you wouldn't be surprised that the report i forgot to send out yesterday is still using the old template. "by monday" wouldn't be a problem, but "before monday" would mean having to create a separate file with the new template and copy/pasting everything over, which is more hassle than it's worth. so i decided to quickly pop in after tuition to send the report out, saving myself some potential trouble on monday. while sending the report out, i was happy to find out that one of the features that we strongly requested for (relating to version numbering) was resolved. credit where it's due, they're quite prompt in addressing issues that we raise. i just wish the product was launched with these issues being nonexistent in the first place!

got a bit of a meditation/reflection to do about the idea of popularity/desirable-ness and seeking approval. i've probably said it before, but i think this focus on outer appearance isn't healthy. like, the thing i wrote about a couple of posts ago, about gay guys judging by appearance even for non-M-18 stuff. i guess you might call it sour grapes, because my body type isn't in high demand. the thing that makes me a bit sad is that people who do not fit the ideal physical appearance are somehow seen as "lesser" in the community. whatever i've done or whatever interesting experiences i've had in my life so far don't matter, because people don't care enough to find out. and yes, i know the model answer is that i shouldn't waste my time, effort, and feelings on such people. sometimes i forget, so it's good to remind myself.

another thing i kind of realized is that our reality is what we perceive. because of that, marketing oneself is important. some people are quite savvy, like they show themselves hooking up left and right, yet say that they are selective and don't accept money. my guess is they do this to increase the perceived scarcity, to make themselves look more desirable. reminder to myself: people typically only show their best sides on social media. it's easy to forget that their lives are not always as perfect as they portray on screen.

while i'm not in mentally harmful territory at the moment, i think i should nip this in the bud and proactively reduce or even stop consumption of M-18 social media. might be better for me to channel my time and energy into more productive pursuits, such as exercise, home improvement, or even real-life encounters. it's easier said than done, though. there's the whole dopamine thing, plus the inertia associated with doing things that are good for you, but which don't feel that way. scary JC friend mentioned some time back that she sees me as a very "comfort zone" person, like i wouldn't change something if it didn't need changing. considering the status of unpacking, i can't exactly say she's wrong. but still! i think i should take steps to shake things up. can't expect different results while doing the same thing, right?

-random thought of the day: Throw out or give away more things!-

Almost 3 weeks since the new file management platform launched, and things are getting better. i was able to send out cases, for one! i sent out like 5 or 6 cases, which means my points should jump. i'll only find out at the start of september, so here's hoping for good news.

had a couple of weird dreams over the past couple of days. first was that i moved back to my JET house. the enclave where it's located is on flat land in real life, but the houses there were more luxurious (with bedrooms that looked like hotel rooms), and on terraces built into the hillside in my dream. they looked so pretty! i also dreamt that one of my colleagues and his family consisting of a wife and kids would be moving in with me, and i gave them a tour of the surrounding area. weird thing is i barely talk to that colleague! dream #2 was even weirder. i was at a hot guy's place...we might have been dating? i was in his bed, more specifically. i remember that we had to get ready to go somewhere, and i was travelling down the CTE tunnel. the annoying thing is, i don't remember what his face looks like! i'm pretty sure he's someone i know in real life, or at least have talked to. maybe someone i meet will jog my memory.

sickness update too. i tested negative on monday morning, but i'm still coughing a little. brain function is about 85%, which was good enough for me to tackle a challenging case yesterday and today. if i finish this case, i'll just need to finish 2 more by september, which is plenty of time. should ask for more cases soon, but perhaps after IP week.

crochet guy has been asking to meet over the past week. normally i'd be happy to have him over or even meet him outside, but there are some things that made me have mixed feelings about it recently. see, usually i'm the one to initiate meeting up with him. but since i indicated my interest to buy insurance for him, he's been quite persistent in wanting to meet up with me. i guess it's because he wants to close the deal. and that makes me have second thoughts, because it seems like he's only taking initiative to meet me because there's a potential financial incentive. i really think his communication needs improvement. that's why i'll probably only get a smaller policy with him, and let him prove himself before i decide to trust him with more money.

my social calendar is going to be kind of full for the next few days. dinner with scary JC friend and her boyfriend tomorrow, to use the voucher that we won at the sake festival. usual routine on saturday, and IP week for 2 days next week. i think i should have enough social battery to get through it all.

-random thought of the day: Planning a few other restaurant visits!-

Taking my usual state as 100%, i'd say that i'm at around 65-70% now. there's still some residual lethargy even after lying in bed all day. i really want to get back into the swing of things! mentally, i don't quite feel like i'm ready to tackle a difficult case head-on yet, so i guess i'll spend tomorrow doing more admin-y stuff and get my mentor's advice on how to approach a case which i started looking at early last week. i have an idea, but i'm not sure if it's correct/allowable.

as you may have guessed, nothing much happened since the last update. i saw the doctor on thursday, and he gave me 2 days' MC for a total of 4 days away from the office. 5, if you include the wednesday that i took MC-less MC for. i've basically been either rotting in bed or in front of the computer. the lethargy is so bad that i fell asleep in front of the computer several times! i also skipped the alumni thing and tuition yesterday, which i feel a little bit bad for. at the same time, i know that it's the right decision, because i'd (1) not enjoy myself, and (2) be a health hazard for people i come into contact with.

due to having too much free time and literally nothing to do besides sleep, i've been thinking about some things. just general life and future stuff, nothing super depressing or worry-inducing. it kind of goes back to the idea of ikigai, but in a more wholistic sense, instead of just the work aspect. i guess i need to think a bit more about what my purpose in life is supposed to be. while i find my work to be meaningful, interesting, and fun, i also don't want to be one-dimensional and have work as the only interesting thing going on in my life. i guess i should start by exploring some hobbies. and yes, i know i've been saying that for the longest time already. need something to overcome the inertia, i guess. maybe more time once tuition ends?

i've also been browsing the internet/social media a lot in this period of downtime. there were a few stories that caught my eye, including a guy who got into a physical altercation with an old man after the old man patted his (the guy's) child on the head. it made me think that singapore is increasingly becoming a powder keg, and the fuse is shortening. if not for the threat/risk of being exposed on social media or reported to the police, i'm sure that large-scale fights would have broken out by now. in my opinion, it's because the country is overcrowded. but the people in charge don't seem to care, and appear to be pursuing economic growth at all costs.

on reddit, there's a subreddit about dating in singapore. i read a thread there posted by (presumably) a girl, whose date asked her to guess which school he was from. one of the comments said that the guy peaked in secondary school. that's a phrase i haven't heard in a long time! it got me thinking about this idea of "peaking" at some point in life. ideally, you'd want your achievement/time graph to be continually rising, so that you'd always be hitting new peaks. and i suppose the secret to that is always having something to work towards, so that you're always getting better in some way. but some people are perfectly content to relive their glory days in secondary school. JC, NS, university, or some other earlier stage in life. i mean, there's no harm in it, but i suppose it gets tiring listening to the same few stories over and over again. hope i'm not that way about japan!

related thought: a lot of what i was told was important while growing up (e.g. which school someone went to, academic or sports achievements) are actually not that big of a deal! like, i know people who went to name-brand "elite" schools doing so-called ordinary jobs like insurance or civil servant. on the other hand, there were people from neighbourhood schools who performed better than me in grad school. i guess i was influenced by my elders telling me about how i should aim for raffles, become wildly successful, and earn buckets of money. you might see it as sour grapes because i actually wasn't able to, but i'm happy i didn't. although my time in secondary school wasn't the greatest, that led to JC (which was actually great), then to uni, and so on. of course, i do entertain the occasional thought of 'what if i'd made it to raffles?' i kind of like to think that due to the (rumoured) less homophobic environment there, i might have come out earlier and maybe even found a partner...or at least started dating. maybe i might have been pushed harder in academics too, and become a (medical) doctor or lawyer or something. i know that i can't change the past, but it's fun to imagine!

last thought for now...the weather sucks. don't know if it's just an august thing that the weather is so hot, or because it's also the lunar 7th month and the heat is made worse by people burning offerings. probably both. i'm getting heat rash in my elbows and on my back! that's one more plus of returning to the office, i guess...free air-con!

-random thought of the day: Recover faster!-

Update: it's COVID. i could still taste fine up till earlier this evening, then drinking the pig organ soup i ordered via grab felt like i was just drinking hot water. did a rapid test, and the "test" line developed super strongly. looks like my rest is getting extended! i was a little worried initially, but then i considered that it's just before mid-august now. even if it takes me a week plus to recover, i'll still be well in time for IP week, and i have the whole month of september to submit my cases and make sure i hit the promotion target.

i realize that COVID is one of the worst illnesses for me, in terms of how it affects my quality of life. when i'm sick, all i want is some comfort from either a person (preferably a cute guy, but i'm not picky) or food. considering i'm living alone now, comfort from food is easier to obtain. and COVID takes that away from me too. actually on that topic, i think the only real disadvantage of living alone (for me, at least) is that there's nobody to take care of me when i'm sick. but if i think of it as maybe a week or two's worth of suffering per year, i'm happy to have the place to myself for the remaining 50 weeks. not a bad tradeoff at all!

the new plan is to go see the doctor tomorrow for an MC. i tried booking an appointment at eunos polyclinic, but they were full. so, it's back to marine parade i go. i'm tempted to bring my fairprice vouchers along to do some grocery shopping, but then i should also bear my condition in mind. that, and it's a longer commute home. i do think i want to wander around the marine parade area a little, just for fresh air and nostalgia...masked up, of course!

One way i know i'm sick is that i have zero desire to look at my cases. usually, i look forward to clearing them...even the hard ones! but now, thinking of my cases (even those which are ready to send out) just makes me feel bleh. hope i'm well enough to appear in the office tomorrow, or else i'll finally go see the doctor.

the long weekend was great! i had several social engagements, even meeting russian ex-postdoc twice in 2 days. we were originally only set to meet for dinner on monday, but she then invited me to a lunch that she was having with my professor and another of my seniors. so that resulted in me taking grab to and from NUS during my lunch break yesterday, racking up $40 in fees, which was more expensive than the lunch itself! but it's worth it. i would be happy to spend that amount or more to meet my professor any time the chance arises.

during our first meeting (dinner on monday), russian ex-postdoc was telling us about some of the challenges she's facing as a professor now. i guess this is kind of evidence that singapore is more westernized among the asian countries, because despite her spending 5 years in singapore, she's having trouble with east asian high-context systems and things. doesn't help that a significant proportion of her students are foreign too, so she doesn't have anyone to guide her in that regard. i'm not sure what i can do to help her, save maybe joining her as a lab manager or something like that to navigate the system. but that would require a really drastic change in my circumstances, and it would definitely not be my first choice of path to take. but based on what i know about her attitude and working style from our time together in the lab, i believe she'll get through it!

lunch on tuesday was a bit of an eye-opener. ever since his promotion to full professor, my professor has been taking on more administrative roles and duties, leaving him less time for research. yet, i was amazed that he was still up to date on developments in the scientific world, even able to discuss some of the latest technology in instrumentation with my senior, who's working in a scientific instruments company! we asked him how he's managed to survive so long in academia, and his answer was that academia is his dream job. apparently, he's wanted to be a scientist since young, and he doesn't take his job for granted. i could learn from that more! not that i'm taking my current job for granted, but i realize that it's kind of a "do something you love and you'll never work a day of your life" type of thing. does that apply to me now? honestly, i would say yes. in spite of all the logistical/technological issues of the previous few weeks, or the occasional hard application where i have no idea where the invention lies, i still enjoy my core job. i would enjoy it more if the issues were gone/resolved quickly, but i guess i can hope.

sidetrack to say that the conversation reinforced what i already knew - i wouldn't make it/wouldn't have made it in academia. experimental science excited me up till i was in undergrad, but the long hours and limited success in the lab during my grad school years killed that excitement. i guess if i had been really passionate about it, i would have taken it as a challenge, and risen up more readily. i don't regret the grad school experience, though...not even having to change supervisors. looking back on it as a whole, i realize that the first lab trained me to be comfortable with organic structures, while the second lab helped me to understand medicinal chemistry stuff a bit better, so i'm not that lost among the enzymes, receptors, agonists, antagonists, cancer cells, etc. things happen for a reason!

another takeaway i got from the lunch is how university education (at least for NUS) is changing. my senior was saying that a lot of interns from NUS were sorely lacking in scientific thinking and lab skills, to the point where the company preferred to take poly student interns! my professor then told us about how the educational model is evolving from the traditional "T" shape (narrower base, but highly specialized in one area) to "pi" (more specialized in 2 areas), and to the present "comb" structure (broad base with shallower exposure in each area). i guess that's the multidisciplinary thing that's all the rage these days. it makes good generalists, but they won't be suitable for jobs that require a higher level of knowledge. guess i'm safe(r) for the time being! it does make me worry though, because i think that current students in general are not developing higher-order thinking skills. lucky i'm going to stop tuition next year, i don't think i want to deal with that.

having all these social engagements naturally didn't help with the sickness or my recovery. my sinuses were feeling scratchy on monday already, and i had an early night with the fan only, no air-con. that's usually my first line of defense - sweat the sickness out. i definitely had a fever that night, because i remember feeling really hot. thankfully, the fever broke by yesterday morning, and i was well enough to make some progress on a case and go out for the aforementioned lunch. it kind of got worse at night again (no fever, thankfully) and that leads to how i'm feeling today. i realize that while some of my colleagues can power through cases when sick, i'm still not quite at the experience or skill levels to do so. me working while sick usually results in mistakes and bad assessments, which will annoy my mentor and slow the case-clearing rate down. so, it's just pure rest today. with luck, i'll be back and raring to go tomorrow.

-random thought of the day: Being sick sucks.-