We're preparing to migrate to a new file management system, so this week was one of the rare weeks where i didn't submit any cases. not officially, at least; my mentor told us to email her the cases we had ready and she'd check them on the shared drive. but it means that my points are frozen for however long the migration takes, so i have a stable number to look at for planning.

if we take my points from the last quarter of last year and combine them with my total so far this year, i'm about 8 points shy of the promotion target. completing my current case load will put me slightly ahead of the target, so that's what i'm aiming for. it also means i have to complete 11 cases in 10 weeks. considering i'm averaging just under 2 cases per week now, it seems really doable. yet, i felt a stab of anxiety as the number came up after my calculations earlier today in the office. i guess i should also remind myself of how much i've improved vs. when i just started doing cases. so far this year, i took just over 6 months to earn the same number of points i earned in 9 months last year, which seems to equate to a 50-ish percent increase in speed! pretty happy about that. just going to maintain the momentum.

i was talking to a few seniors yesterday, and they mentioned that promotion takes a while to confirm. come to think of it, promotions are usually announced at the start of a new quarter. and considering that they need some time to determine my suitability for promotion, there's a chance it'll be effective from 1 january next year. if that's indeed the case, i might just get the C+ appraisal grade for this year after all! again, no use living too far into the future. it'll take care of itself.

went to the gym yesterday, and i'm really close to deadlifting my body weight. should be able to do it by the end of august. my shoulders and hamstrings are also feeling sore as a result. during post-lunch chat (aka. slacking) today, my colleague (who boxes and does other stuff) said that she likes feeling sore, because it's a tangible indicator that she put in effort when she trains. different way of looking at it i guess, because i absolutely hate that feeling. i think i'd like it more if i stopped feeling sore faster/sooner, but my aging body doesn't seem to want to cooperate in that regard.

tomorrow will be the first day of tuition at the new place for me. maybe for everyone else too, considering the announcement just went out this afternoon. not looking forward to the commute, but i'll at least give it a try. good thing is that there's still a direct bus (well, multiple direct buses), so hopefully i can just sit down and zone out until the destination. seems like it's a bit of a walk from the bus stop too, and the way isn't sheltered. will need to remember to bring an umbrella, in case of rain. i suppose the worst case is i could grab there...but it's going to eat into my earnings. tradeoffs! i guess in the worst case scenario, i can remind myself that i only have another 1 year and 3 months left until my main commitment is fulfilled, which is like...65 weeks? minus a few here and there for public holidays and centre closures and whatnot, and i'm left with maybe 60. i think i can handle that. it'll give me an excuse to explore the area too!

-random thought of the day: Things are so much easier to let go of when framed as "respecting others' decisions".-

Just got off a video call with my successor (who's now back in the US), and boy did she spill the tea. it seems like she wasn't happy in the town, even at the time when i met her in person there! she was telling me about how random people in town would approach her to start a conversation, touch her hair without asking(!), to the point where i don't think she ever felt comfortable there. and her experience in the schools didn't help, either. the usual issues with the way english is taught, plus some intercultural differences both in the schools and town hall (she said people - adults - were talking behind her back), made her time there tough. i'm grateful i went in as an asian with decent japanese language ability, so i was able to fly under the radar. plus, i guess being a guy means that i'm less likely to be randomly stopped on the street for conversation? or it might just be my face helping to ward strangers/potential conversation partners off.

knowing how good the town (including colleagues, teachers, and kids) can be, i do find it a little painful/wasted that she didn't have as awesome an experience as i did (bar the last part with the prefecture). i also wish she'd told me about all that when we met! while i might not have been able to flip tables in the town hall on her behalf, i could have had discreet words or casual chats with certain people, or relied on the goodwill i'd built up to pull some other strings...especially since i was there in person! but yes, no use crying over spilled milk. i guess rural japan still has a long way to go when it comes to dealing with "actual" foreign-looking foreigners. so in a funny way, i guess my placement worked out despite the impression that they try to assign difficult/challenging placements!

not that i know enough to accurately ascribe blame for how things went down, but it seems to me that how things turned out was a bit on my successor, but mostly on the town and the system. i do wonder if the situation could have been salvaged, not necessarily with my help/intervention. like, would things have been different if my successor had voiced out her concerns more to the town hall (or to me!) and perhaps tried harder to assimilate (mentally, i mean; physically would be impossible), or if the town hall had recognized that her japanese language level was insufficient for daily life and offered her more support, checked in on her more, etc.? also not trying to blow my own trumpet here, but i think that i'm one of the better JETs that the town has had in terms of independence and tackling non-work-related aspects of JET life...and i hope the town hall staff realize that now.

still, she seems to be at peace with her decision to leave, so i guess that's good. she told me that she wants to continue in the education industry back in the states, and asked me to be a reference for her. i agreed, and i figure that i'll just tell any potential employers what i know about the job and her performance in the schools. she seemed well-liked enough by the kids, based on what i saw of their interaction, and that gives me a bit more confidence to give her a positive recommendation. besides, it wouldn't be nice to spoil her rice bowl.

nothing really new on my end, i got a whole bunch of cases which should last me the next 2 months at least. getting them all done by that time will probably mean i'll hit the promotion target. crochet guy came over to discuss my insurance coverage and...more. think i might need to up my critical illness cover, and maybe get an accident plan too. that's going to cost another few thousand a year, i think. within my means, but i'll probably feel the pinch. have to think about it more.

forgot to mention it when i first published this post...my third aunt recently informed me that the tampines place sold! i think it was within the past few weeks to a month? like i told them, my 4-month timeline to buy a flat is already accelerated. they ended up taking 6-7 months to finalize the sale. was there really a need for my second aunt to set my move-out date from marine parade for me, and cause friction in the process? irrational/emotional human reaction, i guess. well, whatever it is, i'm happy that the sale went through; that's one less thing for my third aunt to stress about.

-random thought of the day: Focus on work!-

Harbourfront centre is closing down, and today was my last tuition class there. they were actively dismantling the venue, to the point where some workers came and removed the door of the classroom i was in midway through my class! and don't even get me started on trying to make myself audible over the sounds of drilling and hammering. but we made it through somehow; in fact, time seemed to pass faster today. didn't feel like 2 hours at all.

the new venue is at anchorpoint, which is opposite ikea alexandra. it's also a 50% longer commute for me. worse is that it's less accessible, so the commute is going to be even less fun. i was mentioning this to scary JC friend, and she said that it might be a sign that my time giving tuition is coming to an end. well...i've felt something similar. as you might remember from previous posts, my plan is to see this class of kids to O-levels (around november next year), then end off there. i'm actually considering if ending it this year is possible, since my work KPI is due to increase next year. at this point, i don't think there's a need to, because i think juggling both tuition and higher KPI is still within my capacity.

the donki at harbourfront centre is due to cease operations tomorrow, so they've been having a sale for the past month or so. i brought a bigger bag down in preparation to buy stuff, but it seems that anything that i'd be interested was either sold out, or not discounted. well...helps me save money, i guess. besides, i got some stuff 2 or 3 weeks ago, so it's all good. maybe out of impulse or temporary vanity, i bought a pack of face masks with some rice extract/compound. it's supposed to tighten pores, which i might need. yes, i recognize it's a non-essential beauty/vanity thing and i'm not going to go crazy obsessive about it. i also got instant dashi and a bottle of shampoo, in preparation for when my current one runs out.

also wanted to talk about 2 customer service fails that i experienced recently. well, more like one customer service fail and one scam attempt fail. for the customer service fail, i went to speak to the manager of the gym to get invoices to claim some money from my company for gym membership. it isn't much, but every little but helps! so, the manager asked for my number to identify me, and proceeded to pronounce my name wrongly. it irks me a little, but i understand that most people's brains will skip when seeing that combination of letters. so i'll gently correct them the first time. the manager than proceeded to get my name wrong again within the span of a minute. like...really!? it's one thing if we interact once a year and you forget. but within a minute just shows me she wasn't mentally engaged. well, at least i got what i needed, so it's fine i suppose.

scam attempt fail is more interesting. while walking to tuition, my wireless earphones automatically accepted a call. the caller was someone claiming to be from NTUC insurance, telling me that i'd signed up for a policy related to unionpay and today was the last day to cancel. he also said if i didn't cancel, i'd be locked in to pay $750 per month over 2 years, or $18 000 in total. when i questioned him about things like my full name, and email address, he got close but not 100% correct. then when i asked him how the money would be deducted, he said "this is only a call centre, i don't have the details". he then gave me a number to call, ending in "fourple one". took me more than a second to figure out he meant that the last 4 digits were 1111. i think he knew i was suspicious, because i didn't confirm anything other than the fact that i didn't sign up for this policy and wanted it cancelled. he ended the call with "since you don't understand what i'm saying, call the hotline. remember, you MUST cancel today, or you'll be charged the full sum".

the universe helped me out a little, because when i called the number (just in case and to find out more), i got a recording saying that the number was not in use. i then googled NTUC insurance's number, which was different yet very similar to the number he gave me. it also ended in 1111, so i can see how people would assume the number given by the scammer is legitimate. calling the actual number, i got a recording saying that NTUC insurance was closed on weekends. so much for all the urgency about having to do it by today! guess the idiot didn't check the calendar.

i am mildly annoyed that i didn't call him out there and then, and that i almost thought it was legitimate. for one, i should have known that NTUC would probably not hire anyone who thinks "fourple" is an actual word. the second indicator is the way he spoke. professional customer service staff wouldn't sound so unpolished. third, i was pretty sure i have never used unionpay. yet, i not-smartly asked him how this could have happened. he said it could be something i bought online, or i clicked something on social media. sounds believable, actually! i'm thankful that i didn't panic and lose my rationality.

by the way, it seems odd that the scammer is "helpfully" trying to get you to cancel an insurance policy that you never applied for, right? here's how the scam works, which i found out from a reddit thread. the script was similar, even the figures of "$750 per month for 24 months, meaning $18 0000 total"! the scammers are expecting you to want to cancel, because who would risk paying an additional $750 a month? then when you tell them you want to cancel, they'll ask you to go down to their office immediately, which most people won't be able to do. those who do go down will have wasted time and money on the commute, so i guess the scammers take it as a petty victory. anyway, most people will opt to cancel via online or over the phone. the scammer then gives them a number to call, or transfers them to the "cancellations department" (actually another scammer). then, the victim will be asked to transfer money as a cancellation or processing fee, which is where the money is lost. quite interesting, that the scammers are going with the logic, then pulling the scam at the last step. guess they're evolving too. luckily my brain was still sharp enough to smell a rat!

while reflecting on my interactions with guys, i realized that for all the guys i've met this year, i would consider none of them as a suitable partner. bear in mind, this is my personal preference. i'm not saying they they are bad partners...just that i think we're better as friends at most. that got me thinking more about my criteria in looking for a partner. not going to do a super detailed analysis now, but i would rank the broad aspects according to: (1) personality/character, (2) looks and other physical attributes, (3) wealth, education, and status. sometimes, i think i might change the positions of (2) and (3). i guess there is a grey area or a certain tolerance...like, a below average-looking rich guy might win out over a hot poor guy. actually, i suppose that (1) is essential, but (2) and (3) are optional. can i accept someone who has an awesome personality who's a perfect fit for me, but doesn't have looks or money? maybe. but then, i would think that a guy who's good enough for me would possess a level of ability that would make him somewhat successful...or at least not total rubbish. here i should pause to remind myself that as i'm assessing others, others are also assessing me similarly. well...i guess it is what it is, and i'll have to see where life takes me in that regard.

-random thought of the day: More social appointments coming up!-

Either the thing about our bodies remembering anniversaries of traumatic events (or as SRC might say, "the body remembers the score") is true, or how today went is just a freak coincidence. given the lack of data points to ascertain reproducibility, i'm going to believe the latter for now. let's hope it stays that way, and that i didn't horribly jinx myself.

by all accounts, today was a great day! i helped my biologist batchmate search for some chemical structures, had lunch with gym guy, got some good news from my lead, and cleared 3 cases of varying difficulty with my mentor. yet, i started feeling down halfway through my gym workout. i guess it's a mix of thinking too much, both in the work and personal spheres.

for work, i suddenly started worrying that i wouldn't be able to hit the september promotion target. not sure why, since i appear to be on track. and the difficulty of the most recent bunch of files my lead assigned seems to be on par with previous cases. so, why am i suddenly worrying? doesn't make sense. i think i'll have to check my point balance and calculate/project how many cases i'll have to complete per week until september. that should ground me.

in the personal realm, i just feel a bit out of sorts. could it be from gym guy telling me about his thailand encounters? i don't think so - i'm very clear that he's not a relationship prospect, so i don't think it's jealousy. perhaps it might be related to my recent lack of interest in looking for guys. could be that i've been overdoing it the past couple of months (or arguably, the past half a year!), but i do think i want to focus  more on non-M-18 connections until end-september, at least.

on to the good news - my lead told me that the exchange trip with japan was confirmed! it's set for the first quarter of next year, meaning that if i play my cards right, i might be able to extend my stay in japan by taking leave right after the exchange. then scary JC friend and mentor figure can just fly over to join me. still a long-ish way into the future, so no point planning too much now. perhaps this unknowingly added to my pressure to hit the promotion target in september. feels kind of like a trade - i get enough points to be promoted, my lead gives me this opportunity. or i suppose the more "normal" way to look at it is like what he said - the opportunity will be an added reward for meeting the promotion target.

while talking to my lead, i also casually brought up the prospect of getting company sponsorship for the graduate diploma in IP. actually, i asked him about the master's course, because the difference between the master's and the diploma is only 2 more elective modules. i'd previously thought that i'd be happy enough with the graduate diploma - also because taking fewer modules would be easier to juggle with my workload. but then, i read on the website yesterday that due to my job, i'm granted exemption from one elective module, meaning that the difference between the master's and graduate diploma is just one module for me. that shifts the balance quite significantly, and makes going for the master's way more worthwhile! my lead also informed me that there are requirements for sponsorship, namely having served 2 years in the company, and a C+ performance grade for the most recent appraisal. not too worried about time in service, because that will happen naturally. plus i already planned to ask to go for the course in 2028. that means i need a C+ for 2027...or does it? considering the application window, i may actually need a C+ this year. whatever the case, my lead mentioned that C+ corresponds to exceeding the KPI target by about 10-25%. with the increased KPI target after promotion, i don't know how successful i'll be. but that's for future me to worry about.

don't exactly feel better now, so i'm hoping a good night's sleep will reset my brain. also, finding out my point total for sure tomorrow should help put my mind at ease, at least a bit.

-random thought of the day: Weird mood today.-

Cheap things can bring great happiness. because the plastic on my phone case had either absorbed too much oil from my hands or had been rubbed so smooth from frequent handling to the point of slipperiness over the past 2-ish years, i recently bought a new phone case from lazada. cost like, $4 with no delivery charge since i opted for self collection at a convenient location. it's made my phone experience feel so much better! definitely a disproportionate gain in terms of satisfaction/utility. perhaps i should change my phone case more often, unlike my note 8 one, which i think i used for the full 6 years.

i read somewhere that our bodies remember periods/moments of great trauma, to the point where we are more susceptible to mood and health issues on anniversaries of such events. don't know for sure how true that is, but i guess i'll find out soon. july was when i first started getting inklings that things were not quite as hunky-dory as i thought in the relationship. probably the worst will come in august, so i should prepare myself for that.

had dinner with E tonight. it was supposed to be with N and E, but N's wife's grandfather passed away last night. the 3 of us are due to meet next monday, but i met up with E since he was free anyway. he talked my ear off during dinner; i think the conversation was 70:30 or 80:20 in his favour. during our conversation, i found out that he's in essentially the same situation as when we last met up in end-february for the larger class gathering. he's made some progress in house-hunting, in that he got his HFE letter and has explored several locations. i'm also mildly annoyed that he didn't contact scary JC friend, but i guess it's his prerogative to choose an agent. his current agent seems to be trying to squeeze him for money, so...good luck to him.

mentally and in other aspects of life though, no change. he's still in his self-created conflict of being aimless in life, yet not wanting to aim for anything. i told him that he obviously wasn't dissatisfied enough with his life, because he hadn't taken any concrete steps to change it! am i bad for thinking that if i'd first made E's acquaintance today, and not 20 years ago in JC, we wouldn't be as good friends as we are now? he also said that he feels that he's so far behind us in terms of progress over the last 10-ish years (basically since graduating from university). i asked him then why isn't he trying to catch up to us, and his reply was "what's the point?". i also tried to get him to see that although his progress is nonexistent, his starting point is so much further ahead than ours from being born into a rich family. so if we look at absolute distance from the somewhat arbitrarily-defined "finish line", he's actually still closer than i am. must be nice, to be able to not worry about money! E was also telling me about how he'd only go for a 5-room flat because he wanted the space, and his dad offered to buy him any place he wanted. while i'm not exactly jealous of him because it's just his lot in life, i must admit to some minor internal screaming. to be fair, i'm not exactly worrying about money now myself, but that's only because i'm employed in this job. i'd really hate to be a jobseeker in this market.

another interesting thing i did was to have lunch with the newbies both yesterday and today. there was a pretty cute guy, but he's a full zodiac cycle younger than me! the whole "not dating at work" thing aside, i think the age gap is a bit too much. still, they seem to be adjusting well...though it's only been 4-ish days to a week. they're still in a different location due to space limitations, and i think we'll only see them more regularly from september or october onwards. till then, there's always lunching together i guess!

-random thought of the day: Working from home tomorrow!-

Spoke with my mentor today about a case i had, and took the chance to update her on my promotion plan. she thinks i should be able to hit the numbers. i also asked for her opinion on the quality of my work, to which she said that i'm improving and she thinks i should be ready for promotion. that's quite a significant confidence boost! i also checked in with my colleague from the same intake. she told me that our lead is asking her to aim for september promotion as well, which she says she can meet. seems like we're at a similar stage of progression! i'd actually say she's progressing faster than me, because we're at similar stages despite english not being her first language. semi-related, one of my colleagues showed me a report that he had to write in chinese. i don't think i'd be capable of writing that, even with no deadline!

i realize that work, health, and encounters with guys are forming the bulk of my posts. mildly worried, because i think a habit is forming, and i don't really think of writing about anything else. i'd actually thought about blogging about several weird dreams that occurred over the past few weeks, but kept forgetting to do so. some of the more memorable ones include a dream about the ex. i forgot the actual content of it, but i believe it was set in a time where he didn't cheat, because i didn't feel like violently rearranging his facial features in the dream. well...i do think that i'm over him and the whole cheating thing. may not sound like it, because he's someone i never want to meet again. depending on who you ask, being "over someone" could mean anything from "i've moved on and am happy now" to "i'd be ok to sit down and talk with that person, maybe even have a meal together". i'm definitely more in the former camp than the latter one. it's the same with some of my secondary schoolmates. i'm over the bad experiences that they were responsible for, but i wouldn't lose out on never seeing them again.

the second dream was weirder, and it involved me having intimate relations with a woman. not even a trans girl...like an honest to goodness cis female. what could have triggered that?? i recall not hating it, but not particularly enjoying it either. does this mean i'm not as gay as i thought? i don't think so, because i'm not particularly interested in finding out how it feels for real. plus, lady parts still unsettle me somewhat. so that'll stay in my dreams.

another thing i forgot to mention - since i'm nearing the end of my meat stockpile in the freezer, i'll adjust my diet to be more fish-based. not that i'm swearing off land animals or anything, just that i'm going to choose fish whenever practicable. think that'll be better for my health!

-random thought of the day: Feels like my sinuses are still blocked.-

Let it not be said that i don't know my good friends well! scary JC friend and mentor figure responded almost exactly as i'd predicted, justifying their opinion with deeper reasoning. scary JC friend thinks that promotion is a good opportunity, and i should just go for the earlier one. mentor figure agreed, and elaborated by saying that the difference in compensation wouldn't factor into his decision-making at all, and that if it were him, he'd see it as an opportunity to stand out from other colleagues. this makes me wonder if i'm not being big-picture enough, by focusing more on how much more i can potentially earn now (which also affects how much i can potentially earn in the future), as opposed to looking more capable in front of my boss, and potentially setting myself up for more such opportunities in the future, such as...

during a previous goal-setting/future-planning chat with my lead, i'd mentioned that i intended to take the graduate certificate in IP and eventually qualify as a patent attorney, ideally with the company's support and sponsorship. strictly speaking, patent attorney qualification is not required for this job, but i still want to do it to stick it to my former bosses in the accursed IP firm, to prove that it wasn't a me issue. that's at least another year or two in the making, so not going to think about it too much now. i do think that going for early promotion will kind of help show my ability to my lead, which would/should make him more confident to keep investing in me.

of course, there's a caveat. mentor figure said that he'd only go for september promotion if he felt he was ready. do i feel ready? i'd say kind of, but not really...which makes me think i'm not ready. he also said that it usually isn't possible to make decisions with 100% certainty, and he'd press on if he was ~70% sure. coincidentally, that's about how ready i think i am now...although i don't know if it's my actual estimation, or due to subliminal influence after our conversation. well, my plan is to have a quick chat with my mentor tomorrow or sometime this week, just to get her opinion on my readiness and check if i'm submitting cases too quickly. don't want to overwhelm her, either.

in other news, i went to the gay bar with gym guy yesterday. he closed on a flat, and i'm really happy for him! other things that made my night included my favourite team of staff being on duty and getting to interact with them, as well as making out with cute bartender for a bit before i left. realistically speaking, i don't think we'll end up together, considering he already has partners in australia. i understand that they're in an open relationship, so i still have harmless flirting and whatever M18 stuff he's ok with to nourish my soul. while i do feel a little let down that someone else snagged him first, i'm not hostile or raging about it. somehow, i think that's a sign of growth. another possible sign of growth is that i'm handling rejection better. a guy politely expressed disinterest last night, and i was just like, "cool, no worries". no thinking what aspect of me he didn't like, lamenting the missed opportunity to do stuff with him, nothing like that! might not be an accurate indicator though, because he wasn't particularly attractive to me. might have made it easier to let go.

after a day's rest on friday (MC-less medical leave for the win; my nose got worse but recovered over the weekend), i'm quite excited to get back to work. ideally, the 3 cases i've submitted will all clear, but let's just see what my inbox looks like. nothing on the calendar this coming week except a workshop on wednesday, so that'll mean half a day in the office, including a welcome lunch with any of the newbies who signed up for the slot that a few other colleagues and i also signed up for. i'm also due to meet N and E for a catch-up dinner on that same day. i'd forgotten about the workshop when we scheduled it, so it's a nice coincidence! probably going for a star wars movie marathon with the guy after tuition on saturday afternoon, where i'm hoping to get (and leave) a few more mementos. he marketed it as "cuddling and yelling at terrible plot", which i can definitely get behind. i don't think there's M18 activity involved, which i'm fine with too. would be nice to connect with him on a deeper level!

-random thought of the day: Bought a new fan with climate vouchers!-

Been sneezing more than usual since yesterday. and my nose started running last night, which meant that i didn't sleep well. i woke up at 8:55 today, yet somehow managed to shower, do rubbish disposal, catch the bus, and make it to the office by 9:30. again, i'm so grateful that i live so close to work, and my office isn't super picky about what time we arrive and leave, as long as we hit our numbers.

good thing i arrived and settled down before my lead came looking for me! he told me that we might have a week-long exchange with japan later this year or early next year, and he's planning to nominate me and a senior to attend on behalf of our division. i think my brain shorted out a bit after it registered what he said. consider this: counting the 3 newbies who just joined us yesterday, plus the 6 not-so-new-newbies from last year, and one colleague from the same intake as me, i am the 11th-most junior person in my division of over 30 people. that my lead would even think of nominating me is surprising, to say the least. of course, he did give me the usual caveats - nothing is confirmed yet, plans may change depending on the japan side, keep it confidential for now. i have several thoughts about this.

first, the suspicious/distrusting side of me feels like my lead could be using this as a carrot to get me to go for promotion in september. granted, it is a huge, delicious-looking carrot, so he definitely knows what buttons to push. the reason i think this is because he also mentioned that such opportunities are rewards for good performance, and it would look better if i got promoted before going for it. also, me hitting the promotion target in september would give him more justification to nominate me. he's not wrong, and i can see the logic in what he says. at the same time, my earlier promotion would also reflect well on him, so it could be argued that his motives are not entirely selfless. plus it will mean that i lose out on a potentially higher increment and bonus next year, which he's tried to justify to me by saying promotion is also a form of recognition. again, he's not wrong, but from my point of view, it doesn't let me maximize the reward i could be getting, which is kind of a bigger pain point since i lowballed myself.

the trusting side of me says that my lead is looking out for my interests. i suspect he knows me as "the japan guy", and i'd also previously indicated that i'd volunteer for such opportunities or even to host a japanese delegation if they came over. it makes me feel like he's willing to invest in me, and i'm grateful for that. based on the past 18 months i've known him, plus seeing how he conducts himself at work, i have no reason to believe that he's the plotting/cunning sort. so, at least that gives me some reassurance that he's not cooking up some 4D chess big brain plot. and it's not like promotion is harming me anyway, because if we put the money debate aside, it's still progression.

redoing the cost-benefit analysis with this new thing factored in, there's suddenly a lot more incentive to promote in september. but that's contingent on the japan thing going through; it would suck to make promotion early, and then be told that japan was no longer on the table for whatever reason. the ideal scenario would be promoting later, getting a higher performance grade as a result, and still be selected for japan. sounds a bit greedy, though. as always, it's betting on the best outcome while hedging the risks.

i guess i should ask myself what is better for me in the long run, holistically. considering that my goal is to remain in this company until retirement, i should be focusing on my long-term growth and development. at the same time, it seems foolish to give up on money which seems to be within easy reach. of course, there's one other choice which i've kind of avoided mentioning, and that's to promote and still try to hit 125% of the new target this year. i'm not sure if that will result in a higher performance grade, because my lead seemed to imply that promotion was already the reward for good performance. don't know how i feel about that. i think i'll run this situation by scary JC friend and mentor figure this saturday (maybe SRC too, if she hasn't been traumatized by the NSFW stuff). if i had to guess, i'd say that they'd advise me to go for september promotion and try to max out my points earned this year, because it would put me in my boss's good books, and that in turn is better for my long-term future in the company. guess i'll find out how well i know them on saturday!

-random thought of the day: Blocked nose sucks.-

Quiet/peaceful day today; i think i only spoke to one person in the office. not that that's never happened before, but it was weird because it happened in spite of there being more people in the office than usual. even my usual seat was taken! but i found a spot nearby, so it was all good. also had lunch with gym guy nearby, which was nice. i quite like hanging out with him. he was telling me about recent house viewings and some of his candidate places. none of them have worked out so far, and i hope something suitable for him comes along soon.

since there's only one more day left for june, and i don't think i'll have the energy/mood to blog tomorrow due to gym plans, i'll do a more complete quarterly update now. quarter 2 is from april to june. it was awesome on the work front, in that april and may were my 2 most productive months so far this year. if i kept that pace up for next year, i'd even hit the increased target! good to know that i'm (somewhat) capable of it already. best part, i didn't feel like i was being stretched thin or drowning in the workload. in fact, i'd say i still had some gas left in the tank! the next thing for me to worry about is quality. i've had mistakes flagged out, which is to be expected. but so far i haven't been told that my work is unacceptable, which i'll take as a good sign.

the other aspect of work is tuition. i'm grateful that ACS boy decided not to continue. although the money was great and his parents were very helpful/supportive, the biggest issue lay with the kid himself. i realize i'm much happier teaching my 3 kids at my friend's centre, who are more focused and hardworking. maybe also because they catch concepts more quickly? this is even though i'm paid half the rate as compared to ACS boy, meaning that my effort-to-earnings ratio is actually 6 times lower with my friend. i also told my friend that i'll follow these kids to sec 4 at least, but i don't think i'll continue after that. maybe the occasional relief class or something at the most. nothing regular.

socially, this quarter was good too. i maintained the interaction with crochet guy, met gym guy and the other guy who still needs a codename. also had more gay bar visits than i can remember, went to thailand for the event, and had a good time overall. i'm grateful that it didn't detract from my work, and i'm still able to do all this guilt-free. while that's all fine and good, i think it's wearing my social battery a bit thin. i'm also getting a bit weary of the whole "will i/won't i meet a cute guy and hit it off with him" thing. guess i'll have to be more selective about which nights i go for, to balance me-time and socializing.

fitness wasn't that good, i'm afraid. while i kept up with the gym thing somewhat, i admit that i got lazy more than once. to make it worse, i feel like i'm eating more. adding on to that, i'm not always making the healthiest choice. worst part, it seems to be boredom eating. i need to get a handle on it. call it divine timing or coincidence or whatever, but there was an article on how a guy lost 27kg in 6 months using a mixture of diet and exercise. it was really recent too, like from last october to this april. coincidentally, 27 kg is also around the amount of weight that i need to lose, to get into the "healthy" range. can i do it in the remaining 6 months of this year? well...i figure that i should try. even if i don't succeed, i'll definitely be in a better place than where i'm at right now.

you know the saying, "you can't outrun a bad diet", or " 80% of weight loss happens outside the gym"? more than diet and exercise, i think my lifestyle habits need to change too. sleeping habits come to mind - i'm averaging 7-ish hours, but it's from like 1am to 8am. not ideal. maybe sleeping earlier will help with the snacking impulses/boredom eating...can't eat while i'm asleep!

for this next quarter, i want to focus on work as usual, but also on doing better in terms of health/fitness. starting off with small changes sounds easier and more sustainable. things like, getting out of the house even on work from home days, or being more consistent about counting calories, and mindful about food choices. also, reminder to self that some discomfort is good. hoping that i'll have better news in september!

-random thought of the day: Keep tending that garden!-

The week passed by relatively quickly, i suppose because there wasn't much going on. my mentor was on leave, and she'll be back next monday. i held off submitting cases to her, to avoid her email getting spammed and her timeline getting unnecessarily shortened as well. sent a few cases to my lead instead, who kindly agreed to it. that way, i'm still clocking points for this week, just not as many as my usual. but it's fine. i've got to slow down a touch from now till end-september to avoid triggering promotion early, anyway.

i've got a couple of things on my mind to talk about, and i'm not sure if this will serve as my second quarterly check-in or not. but it's nearing the end of the month anyway. guess i'll tentatively consider this the check-in post, unless i decide to do a more proper one in the remaining 4 days excluding today.

starting with things that happened this week, gym guy came over on wednesday. he'd heard about my struggle(?)/conflict(?)/thing about passion, and he told me it's ok to not have a passion right now. i don't know, seems like slapping a band-aid on an infected wound and leaving it to fester. ok, maybe that's a bit exaggerated. having it on the backburner a little probably won't be too bad for me. we also did...stuff, and i was reminded that i prioritize connection above physical looks. there was a bit of a snag though, in that something we did left me feeling a little out of equilibrium. but we talked about it, and everything's good now. i think that's how a healthy interaction (i'm consciously not using "relationship" because he's partnered) should be. and despite me not being his partner, i'm happy that we get along well, even more so because i can see that he invests in our interaction.

him coming over was motivation to get me out of the house for dinner with him, and to go to the gym after that. it was my first session in about 3 weeks, so i did the routine with lighter weights. should be back up to where i left off next time. also tried inclined treadmill walking for cardio, and reaffirmed that i have no love for it. anyone with interesting cardio ideas?

i don't recall if i ever sat down and seriously read the 7 habits book. reason for yes - i remember "begin with the end in mind". i even recall it being habit #3, but i wouldn't bet money on it. reason for no - i don't remember any of the other 6 habits! you know what, let's try to come up with my version of the remaining 6 habits, just to see how many match. in no particular order:

1. shoulder the blame, share the praise

2. focus on one thing at a time

3. avoid wasting brainpower on trivial things

4. pace yourself

5. be organized

6. keep things simple

looking at them like that, i guess they do make sense? but "habits of highly effective people" is really quite a broad category. let's see what the actual 7 are. we have: 1. be proactive; 2. begin with the end in mind (not #3 after all!); 3. put first things first; 4. think win-win; 5. seek first to understand, then to be understood; 6. synergize; 7. sharpen the saw. i'd say my #5 is similar to the actual #3, but other than that, nothing else seems close. kind of reassuring to know that the actual 7 habits are things that i'm already doing, or trying to do. means that i recognize their importance!

looking at things from a fitness viewpoint, "begin with the end in mind" got me thinking. instead of eating at a deficit for my current weight, why not eat at maintenance for my desired weight? a quick AI calculation says that the difference is between 300-500 calories per day, depending on the level of exercise. seems like same difference to me. damn. and here i was thinking that i'd hit upon some amazing new approach! but it's definitely something to consider, even just as a reframing of perspective.

yesterday, i went down to the gay bar for a new experience. there's this kink which is abbreviated as ABDL. if you don't already know what it means, i bet the phrase "adult baby/diaper lover" won't be in your top 5 or even 10 guesses. from the name alone, i was already like 99.9975% sure that i wouldn't be into it. but in the interest of experiencing new things (and also because one of the bartenders told me a lot of cute guys usually attended), i decided to go down just to take a look. true to the bartender's word, there were some cute guys. unfortunately for me, it seems some people with this kink are more into the mental aspect, which seems to be quite removed from sexy stuff. the mental aspect is about things like age regression, feeling safe/comfortable/protected/cozy, so i'd imagine doing it with someone in that frame of mind is adjacent to child abuse? not my thing. also interestingly, there were quite a lot of straight guys there! seems like this kink doesn't really have much traction in singapore yet, and venues which host it are few. for me personally, i'm not sure if i could be with a partner who has this kink. i mean, apart from the whole baby mentality thing (and associated concerns regarding physical intimacy), some of them also like doing their business in diapers. just hearing about the liquid kind of business was enough to raise my eyebrows...my brain won't even let me think too much about the solid kind. having said that, i'm still happy to befriend them, but that's as far as it's going to go, i think. good to get certainty, although i'm not sure i really needed it in this case!

this post doesn't really feel like a proper check-in, so i guess i'll do one over the weekend or early next week while it's still june. i kind of want to ink up a pen and do some writing. as for what kind, i'm not sure yet. probably something mindless and maybe even nonsensical, since i already do more structured writing here. we'll see!

-random thought of the day: Pink Dot tomorrow! Probably not going.-

Done with my usual saturday routine, and i'm just sitting in front of the computer and resting my legs. this of course, leads to my brain going down several paths/rabbit holes.

spoke with a few colleagues about promotion yesterday. it seems that one of my colleagues did well enough to get a C+ performance grade last year. reading that statement in context of singapore's type-A and "A" (the academic grade) culture, you'd think i'm being sarcastic...but i'm honestly not. a C is the default performance grade for meeting KPI, and anything above that is going beyond. my colleague shared that he hit about 125% last year, which was enough to net him the C+. it kind of made me regret not pushing a little harder last year, especially knowing that my november and december point totals were way lower than typical. but saying that now is easy...i should also remember that that was when i was living in marine parade, settling my flat purchase and renovations, all of which impacted my productivity. i am happy that i at least did enough to hit my KPI for 2025, resulting in a smooth transition to this year. i also took a slightly different strategy of saving a few cases to submit in january, so that it would be easier to hit the promotion goal if i were to use this january to december as the period for assessment. tradeoffs, i guess!

one advantage of this job a few seniors have identified is that results are largely determined by the individual, meaning that it's unlikely that a group effort gone wrong will tank your performance. one senior explained it as "you determine your performance grade based on how hard you work". and while i kind of went with that initially, i'm also starting to see that our performance grade is not 100% within our control. if you thought university would be the last time you heard the phrase "graded on a curve", you'd be wrong! our (and i imagine the same is for many other companies) performance assessment is assessed by ranking everyone in a particular grade on a curve, and only the top X% gets a higher grade. this means that even 150% may not be enough to get a C+ if a whole bunch of people hit 200%. it's exaggerated, but you get the idea. the exact numbers aren't made public, of course, and we can only guess what the cutoffs are based on previous years' results, also assuming people are willing to share! so...let's think. there were 40-ish of us last year (approximately broken down into 20 newbies, 12 in my cohort, and 8 seniors), and 125% was enough to get a C+. this year, there'll be maybe 20 newer newbies, 18 newbies, 10 in my cohort, and 3-4 seniors in the same rank, for a total of 50-ish people. considering that the number of newbies below my cohort has increased, the base is widened, so to speak.

in view of this, it seems that delaying promotion to december would be more beneficial. getting a higher performance grade equals getting a higher bonus and increment next year, which compounds and makes up for the delay in pay raise due to promotion. my colleague says that this route pays off if we stay for more than 6 years in the company. and since i intend for this to be my retirement job, it seems that this is the way to go! if i'm set on initiating the promotion process in december, the 2 likely outcomes are (1) i get promoted after hitting KPI numbers and quality standards, or (2) i don't get promoted because my KPI makes it but my quality doesn't. seems like i have confidence in my ability to hit the numbers, but less so for my quality. that also means that i know what i should work on more.

the same colleague also shared that he'd been moved up to the next level of independence, in that he's now allowed to send reports out without his mentor checking them first. somehow i knew that we (the people in my cohort) would be progressing at different levels, yet because most of us have been hitting our major milestones (completing training, probation) together so far, i'd kind of gotten used to the idea of everyone in my cohort progressing at the same pace. i guess it's another reminder that we are in control of our own rate of progress. i don't want to rush reaching this step, because honestly it's reassuring to have my mentor look through my cases. but at the same time, i'm kind of envious of my colleague! objectively though, i don't think i'm quite ready yet. see, i spent the past 3 days clearing 5 cases with my mentor. most of them went through fine...except one, for which i forgot to do something quite basic. that resulted in my mentor giving me a warning in the system, which i definitely deserved. in my defense, it hasn't happened over the past 6 months at least, and i believe it only happened because i was juggling so many cases at once. well, a senior (like, "veteran of 10 years" kind of senior) once told us that she made a similar mistake in a report she wrote as recently as last year, so i know it's definitely not the end of the world. i still do feel a little bad about it though, but i think i should be able to get over it quickly enough. as a side note, i did some rough calculations and it appears that i'm about 10-15 cases away from reaching that milestone myself! should be able to hit it by september, which would be nice since it would mean i can speed up in time for the december promotion deadline. at the same time, there's a larger risk that my quality will drop. need to mitigate that!

related to my question about passion, more specifically finding passion for a sport/activity, i talked to the guy i had over last night (who also gave me a new collection of uh..."mementos"), and he asked some leading questions to help me figure it out. nothing came out of it, unfortunately, because nothing came to mind. guess i'll need to spend more time figuring it out. interestingly, scary JC friend commented that i looked slimmer when she saw me at the alumni thing this morning. how does she know exactly what i need to hear!? bear in mind, i haven't told her any of this yet, which makes it even more amazing. she also spotted some of the "mementos" on my arms, which then attracted mentor figure's attention when he overheard her asking about them. credit to him, he was open-minded enough not to freak out when i told him i had more all over my body. i'll admit though, as much as i'm into it, even i think the guy went a bit too far. but it's fine...not like people will see them.

seems like i have quite a few things to think about. of course, work-related things should be the priority, as i want to start the promotion process this year. health and fitness stuff too, including finding an activity i'll look forward to doing. hopefully i'll get more insights over the coming days.

-random thought of the day: Things will work out, one way or another.-

Exposure to more people leads to a corresponding exposure to more ideas, perspectives, etc. we can assimilate the ones we agree/identify with into ourselves, and reject the less palatable ones. interestingly, recent conversations (with different, unrelated people) and news have caused me to think a little more deeply about the concept and application of "passion".

the first instance was with the biology phd who i met for dinner, and it relates to passion for my job. let me first preface this by saying that i like my job well enough. but i'm not certain that this is my ikigai. out of the 4 criteria - something i'm passionate about, something i'm good at, something i get paid for, and something the world needs, i'd rate this job as 5/10 for passion, 6.5/10 for ability, 8/10 for salary, and 9/10 for something the world needs (only because the IP framework is already so established worldwide!), totalling 28.5/40 overall. because i only really have one other point of reference, let's do the same for JET. 4/10 for passion, 8.5/10 for ability, 3.5/10 for salary, 9.5/10 for something the world needs = 25.5/40 total. i guess moving to this job counts as an upgrade, then!

i suppose the question is, am i happy to remain here, or do i want to go searching for that 40/40 job? bearing in mind that such a job might not actually exist, in which case i'd have to either suck it up, or create my own 40/40 job. seems like too much effort, if you ask me. like i said before, i'm not unhappy with this job. everything is still within my capability, i'm still finding it new and exciting with many things to learn, and i have an amazing support network in the form of my batchmates, seniors, mentor, and lead. but it's just not something i'm passionate about.

next question - what AM i passionate about? my uncertainty might be tied to this thing called "early specialization". according to a study, it's actually not good to focus on just one area from a young age. granted, that study was for early specialization in sports, but i think it's expandable to a principle of general application. there was recent news about a recently-graduated biology phd from harvard saying how the singapore education system didn't let him pursue biology, and the education system seemed more suitable for grades optimization. in my case, i was privileged to have some talent in science (more so chemistry and physics than biology), and i guess finding chemistry easy made me more interested in it. looking back on it now, i'm not sure whether the interest was "interest to find out more and deepen my knowledge" or "interest to score higher marks for exams". i do know that i am still interested to learn more, as evidenced by a small spark of excitement/intrigue when i start a new case. but would i call it "passion"? i don't know. i suppose i've been lucky in that i've never experienced chemistry burnout. sure, i've burnt out from lab work in grad school, from my time at the accursed IP firm, but those were related more to the demands of the job than to the content itself, and i've never grown to hate or even dislike chemistry. then again, "not dislike" is not the same as "passionate about", is it?

sidetrack: i guess the reason i don't dislike chemistry itself is because i know that the laws of nature are not to blame for my failures in the lab. if a reaction is going to happen, it's going to happen. if someone succeeds at making a compound while another one fails, it's because the successful one did everything right, while the one who failed didn't. sometimes it can be something as minor/stupid as water in the solvent, or a competing reaction not accounted for. in that way, science is fair to everyone, which makes failure a little easier to stomach.

while at the gay bar yesterday, i asked 2 fit-looking guys to recommend me cardio exercises. their advice was to choose a sport or activity that i'm passionate about. there it is again, passion. this is a bit more difficult than for work/academics, i think. a lot of my youth was spent in judo, but even if the political situation there were to be resolved, i don't think i can find it in me to go back to it. part of it is emotional, but the majority of it is physical - my knees, ankles, and other body parts are damaged enough. as i think i've said before, i think the main problem here is inertia. unlike gym guy, i do not look forward to going to the gym. to be fair, i don't dread it either. it's more of a "neutral", but i will say that i feel positive about it after making my way there and working out. but that's the hardest part - finding motivation to go in the first place.

now that i think about it, i've kind of wanted to try gymnastics/acrobatics for a while. maybe calisthenics too. do i think that either of those are going to make me excited enough to go for training no matter what? honestly, probably not. not at this time, at least. but this is me speaking with no actual experience. who knows? maybe something will click after a few sessions. probably a good time to remind myself that i don't need to aim for the top, and that it'll be worth it even if try one session and then decide it's not for me. i actually think that i have a huge handicap, in that i hate to sweat. and here i am, born in tropical singapore. well, this is part of plan "tend the garden" too, actually - finding activities that lead to me living my best life.

guess this serves as half of my second quarterly check-in; i'll leave the more concrete number-crunching to the end of the month, when i have better clarity on my numbers. my mentor is going on leave next week, and i'm thinking if i should just let the cases build up, or pass some to my lead for checking. guess i'll ask him tomorrow. not sure if it's a good thing, but my mentor appears to be asking more questions about my report, as opposed to telling me how to amend it. i've also managed to defend my position a few times, which does give me some confidence. i'm just worried that i'll mistakenly defend an error in judgement and end up sending out a wrong report. need to step up my game, to prevent that!

-random thought of the day: The anime ended so nicely!-

Minor mixed feelings about a piece of news i just got - ACS boy has decided not to continue with me, and will be relying on his tuition centres. i'm like 10% sad because the money was good, but 90% happy/relieved because i no longer have to sacrifice a weekend night, go down to his place, chase him for work, etc....so maybe my feelings aren't that mixed after all. his mother told me that he failed his mid-years by 3 marks, which is kind of depressing (for me, and i'd imagine even more so for him). i mean, it's an improvement, so i'll take some credit there. but it's also below my expectations, and i'll equally take the blame for that. good thing that i didn't factor this extra income into my financial planning!

one thing about the whole exchange i wasn't very happy about was that the kid himself didn't reply to me at all. even though the message i sent him showed as "read" within the same day, i ended up having to reach out to his mother for a response. it's not like i would have been offended or upset at him wanting to stop; i even offered him a lifeline in the form of "it's ok if you don't want to continue, just let me know so i can plan". but nope, still nothing. i guess this is how guys (or maybe people in general) start the ghosting habit. to be fair, his mother did say that she (and maybe others in the family too) came down with COVID last week, so everything ran haywire. even then, i do believe in basic accountability, especially when it's a business dealing. but well, you know the thing about circuses and monkeys. i just hope he learns the lesson in time before he loses a significant person or opportunity because of it.

related to tuition, i had a short conversation with my friend last saturday. seems like the centre will be moving due to demolition and reconstruction of the entire building, and the new venue is a couple of MRT stations further away. good news is that i still have a direct bus from the alumni gathering, just that i have to take the bus for 5 stops further. not a big deal, though the timing will require some adjustment. i also told him that i will finish sec 4 with these kids, but whether i continue (either with these same kids to JC, or take a new class) or not after that is a separate issue. i'm like...85% inclined to "no" at this point. the extra money is nice, but i think that i might want fewer balls to juggle in view of the upcoming increases in workload. he also asked me if i was still interested to help open/invest in a centre as a partner. not sure about that, either. my ideal role would just be to throw money in and let the others take care of the day-to-day running of the place, but something tells me that that's not going to fly.

feeling accomplished on the housekeeping front, because i cleared out one box! one out of like, 7 or 8, but it's still progress! this particular box contained stationery, as well as my academic stuff (school magazines, report books, degree certificates, transcripts, etc.). the downside is that i have no place to put some of the contents at the moment - i need more storage solutions, like a shelf or more metal cabinets. that'll be another ikea trip i guess, possibly after tuition this coming saturday. or maybe i should do magazine racks/holders and plastic boxes/containers on an open rack/trolley/shelf. also reminder to myself that i don't need to keep everything; i can sell things, give them away, or even dispose of them. i kind of have an idea to donate books to the nearby school, but i don't know if they'll be accepted. might also want to do a round of wardrobe culling - there are some things which i haven't worn in literal years, and are there for purely sentimental reasons.

what else is there to talk about? gym guy is asking me to go to thailand next month, and i'm seeing how feasible it is. also decided to exchange some of my rewards points to miles - it was very easy with OCBC, much less so for UOB. worst part is that i have excess UOB points after one round of exchange, but not enough for a second one. well...i'll figure something out. worst case would be letting the points expire, best case would be getting another point-earning credit card and accumulating enough points for another exchange.

what else is on my schedule this week? getting back to the gym, for one. haven't been in 2 weeks due to thailand and the brief bout of illness. i think i might want to re-look what i'm doing in the gym...the ratio of time and effort to benefits/gains feels off. and as much as i'm reluctant to, i might have to introduce a cardio day. considering either inclined treadmill or swimming, although both sound equally bad to me. guess i'll give both a try and see which one i dislike less. and yes, i know the main change should be watching my intake - both in what and how much i eat. bio phd guy asked me out for dinner on wednesday, and we're tentatively going to the fancy unagi place. i'll see if i want to go to the gay bar after that; the night's theme is "sportswear", which isn't very difficult. hopefully meeting the other guy on friday...i realize i don't have a codename for him yet. while i usually try to choose things that stand out to me, my immediate thought for him is something a bit private between us, not to mention M18. have to think of an alternative. as for work, i think i can submit 2 substantial cases this week, which will put me comfortably ahead of the december goal, and probably in good pace for september too. let's hope things continue on this trajectory!

-random thought of the day: Need to re-optimize finances a bit.-

Persisting discomfort made me go see the doctor on monday. went to eunos polyclinic, where i waited for about an hour despite having an appointment. ended up getting seen by another doctor, who diagnosed it as gastric pain, and gave me 2 days' MC. i'm not upset at the wait, exactly...but i think that the efficiency could be improved. more importantly, it's a blessing that my illness isn't serious enough to need immediate attention. unfortunately, the polyclinic is quite a distance from home, needing a bus ride instead of just being a short walk away as was the case in marine parade. guess the plan is to stick to the polyclinic for minor illnesses, but go downstairs to the private clinic for anything that incapacitates me significantly.

thankfully, i'm feeling much better now, although with reduced appetite. also not the worst thing, since i have weight loss goals! gym guy was concerned because his cancer started out as stomach pain, but it seemed to be much more severe than what i experienced. he even came over on tuesday with snacks and stuff, and stayed for dinner (we ate at a nearby coffee shop). so nice of him! to be clear, i know there's no possibility for anything romantic to develop, but i think having him as a friend is awesome as it is. we might be headed to bangkok with another friend of his in july, to be confirmed in the next 2 weeks or so.

there was a company event yesterday, some IP practitioners' gathering/networking session. it necessitated getting dressed up, which was kind of nice only because i don't have to do it every day. the session itself was not bad, got to make small talk with the big boss and it seems we have shared experience of living in japan. he was there for like, 10 years though, so he definitely knows his stuff. maybe this thing in common will make me more memorable to him?

afterwards, i met my guild leader for dinner (she works nearby where we had the event). among several topics, we talked about her journey to get a house (i recommended scary JC friend to her, hope they get in contact soon), as well as some of the weirdos that she's met online. it seems that straight guys are more desperate than i gave them credit for, because some of them sent her unsolicited M18 content of themselves! i was half-jokingly telling her that i wish more guys sent that type of content to me. according to some source, it seems that straight guys do it because they would like to receive such stuff from girls, so they assume the opposite is true as well. doesn't seem to be the case, though! conversely, i think gay guys know that other guys would appreciate it, so they avoid sending that kind of video to other guys. some reverse psychology going on there! oddly, it seems to be mostly singaporean gay guys who think like that. people in other countries (mainly western/westernized, but surprisingly japan too) are usually happy to share.

since i was already dressed up, and the gay bar's theme that night was "office wear, leather, and uniform", i went down to get double stamps on my loyalty card. sadly, the crowd was kind of lukewarm, and i wasn't very familiar with the staff on duty. there was also a decently attractive guy dressed in school uniform, who i felt wasn't quite in possession of all his marbles. like, we were both speaking in english, but i felt like he was on a completely different wavelength. initially i thought it was a language problem, so i switched to chinese/singlish, only for him to tell me that his primary language was english. the icing on this pretty odd cake was that he started singing hokkien/teochew opera out of the blue. not that i'm against appreciating traditional culture/art, just that the time and place didn't quite fit. the attractiveness i'd perceived just kind of evaporated after that, and also because he smokes. well...some nights you win, some nights you don't.

earlier this week, HR sent out some slides about our promotion criteria. chalk up another win for "only complaining brings about results"! the slides raised a few more questions, and i had a chat with my lead to address them today. my original plan was to trigger promotion in december, meaning that i'd end this year with a lower KPI target and hitting the promotion goal would put me at about 125% of my supposed target, meaning that i would be more likely to get a higher performance grade. this is in contrast to triggering promotion in september, where my goal for this year would immediately jump to the promotion target, meaning that meeting it would just get me to 100% and an average/normal performance grade. my lead wants me to aim for september promotion, and his reasoning is that promotion itself is already a form of recognition/reward, plus the additional bonuses that i'll unlock at the next rank should balance out the bonus i get for a higher performance grade. unfortunately, i don't have enough information to run the numbers, so that's a question mark. another thing he said was that even if i stuck to my plan, there would be no guarantee of a higher performance grade because i'd still be assessed against with my peers who'd also be fighting for promotion, and who may outperform me.

let's do some cost-benefit analysis to help me figure out what i should be aiming for.

september promotion pros

- guaranteed to meet this year's basic KPI if i don't get promoted

- should be entitled to added productivity bonus that only unlocks at next rank

- even if i don't make it, i have another chance in december

- getting higher salary earlier (increment upon promotion)

september promotion cons

- guaranteed basic performance grade only, can't get any higher

- more effort required

- may not get the added productivity bonus (something to check with HR)

december promotion pros

- will meet this year's KPI while working at a more leisurely pace

- chance for higher performance grade (higher performance bonus next year)

december promotion cons

- may not get higher performance grade (depending on peers' performance)

- delay in receiving higher salary

- definitely not getting the added productivity bonus this year

- no second chance if i don't make it

it seems that september is the safer route, whereas december is the high risk, high reward path. the worst case scenario is that i don't get promoted in december due to non-KPI issues, because that would delay everything by 6 months or more. best case is that i delay promotion to december, get a good performance grade, and a higher performance bonus next year. next-best is september promotion and getting the productivity bonuses. next-worst is september promotion but not getting the productivity bonuses. no matter which outcome happens, fact is that my KPI next year will be adjusted massively upwards as long as i get promoted. so my thought here is to get as much out if it (monetarily) as possible. while the path ahead is a bit clearer, i think there are a few more things i have to clarify with HR.

have i mentioned i've been following an anime series for the past few months? it's about this gay japanese high school student and his crush on his classmate. most episodes so far were quite light-hearted/funny and sweet, which is the kind of feel-good thing that i think more gay youths need. it seems to me that the main character was purposely written as socially awkward, which a good proportion of teenagers (especially otakus) would identify with quite readily. this is in contrast to the love interest, who is incredibly cute! his name is made up of the kanji for "love" and "precious", which really suits him. it's like the awkward loner crushing on the bright, sunny guy...something which i know all too well.

the anime took a more depressing turn in this week's episode, because the love interest started dating a girl, causing the main character to go through heartbreak. ugly crying, almost-depression kind of heartbreak. as much as i wish it didn't have to happen to anyone, having your heart broken when your crush starts seeing someone else seems to be a canon event for teenagers. especially for gay guys, when the crush turns out to be straight and starts dating a girl. i've gone through it a few times, and the thought i had was 'why can't he be gay, or at least bi?'. forgot when i came to this realization or who/what triggered it, but i realized that i shouldn't be sad about not getting to date a straight guy, because i was never even in the running! it beats being rejected as a girl, because you had a chance, but he didn't think you were good enough or that the both of you were compatible. it became so much easier to deal with feelings for straight guys after that. but yes, it's practically a rite of passage for gay guys, and the main character ended the episode by saying "why am i so depressed? isn't his happiness mine too?". i've learnt the lesson already, but i hope the anime helps people see that if you love someone, you'll want them to be happy regardless of whether it's with you or not. ideally it'd be with you, but you know...it doesn't always go according to your plan. i'm looking forward to the last episode of the season, which should air next week. kind of spoiled myself on wikipedia already, but i know that the main character doesn't confess and they remain friends in the end. that's realistic, i guess, and is just about the best outcome that one can hope for in this situation. excited to see how they animate it!

-random thought of the day: Fix the sleep cycle!-

Stomach cramps sidelined me for most of today, so basically nothing got done. i don't know why they happened either; my best guess is that it was caused by food from a nearby chinese braised food place last night. the effects happened after 12+ hours though, so i don't think that the food was the main reason. whatever it is, it resulted in me sleeping most of the afternoon away to distract myself from the pain. i'm feeling about 55% now, and with some luck, i'll recover enough for work tomorrow. worst case, i can take an MC.

i've been wanting to blog about this for a while, but kept forgetting to. i read that if someone's really good at/on top of something, that thing is probably one of their top 3 priorities. makes sense, when you think about it. like how the guy goes to the gym 6 times a week to stay healthy and reduce the chance of cancer recurring. the message was like, not to be discouraged if you're not as good at something as someone else is, because it could be their priority but not yours. at the same time, i do think it works the other way too. if you want to become good at something, you should make it a priority. something for me to think about, especially in the weight loss and house organization aspects.

a few more heavy thoughts are rattling around in my brain, but they're not organized/substantial enough for me to write about yet. the fact that i'm still not feeling so good (condition improved to 65% after some pho) doesn't help either. guess i'll call it an early night, then see how i feel after waking up tomorrow. i should be able to recover by wednesday for the company event in the afternoon. a small relief is that i'm ahead of my KPI, although i can't rest on my laurels there either. more annoying is that i need to make sure that i don't submit cases too quickly, lest the promotion process is triggered early. there's a whole bunch of considerations there that i don't want to get into now, also i need some confirmation from HR regarding the promotion process in general. might poke them by end-july if nothing is heard by then.

-random thought of the day: Recover faster!-