Monday, July 16, 2018

Nothing strikes dread and fear into a samsung note or tab user's heart more than the phrase "where's my damned s-pen?". it's not so bad for the note series, because there's a receptacle built into the phones, and the pen fits well in there unless the phone is dropped hard. for the tab series, in particular the galaxy tab s3, which i'm also using, the pen is loosely held on by its steel clip to magnetic strips on the tablet's cover. what annoys me is that the tablet has been with me to taiwan, uzbekistan, and jakarta since i got it, and the pen has returned safely home with me after all 3 trips. how did i manage to lose it between the car and house!?? retracing my steps from the day i lost it, i deduced that it could be in 2 possible locations: my room, or the car. within the room, it should be on my desk, or around/under my bed. i've looked in all those locations, and it's nowhere to be found. the other possibilities are that i dropped it on the way back from the carpark, or i accidentally threw it out during the massive cleaning exercise. or it might just be under my bed and resisting all my attempts to coax it out. whatever the case, i think i have to get a replacement. not that urgent since i don't foresee heavy tablet usage just yet, but probably something that i should do before the asian games. checking online shows that replacements go for upwards of $50. the price i pay for my carelessness/forgetfulness. might as well use the opportunity to search for different kinds of stylus (styluses? styli?); i saw one modelled after a staedtler pencil. although i don't think it has an eraser button, its advantage is that it's longer than the default model. more length is always good right? ...maybe let's not go there right now.

have a dinner appointment with the chemistry guys tonight. normally i'd be looking forward to it more, but i somehow came down with a cold/flu yesterday. all the usual symptoms - scratchy feeling in throat/nose, blocked nose which also runs, headache which feels like pressure above my eyes...sucks, all of it. counting yesterday as when the symptoms manifested, than means i was exposed to the virus on...wednesday-ish. that lines up with when i met some of the judo elders for dinner. don't recall anyone being sick that night, so maybe it was just something in the air between then and yesterday. whatever it is, i hope i shake it off soon. would be terrible to be sick while overseas.

there's some developments in tuition as well. i've got a new boy, who's in sec 3, and who is korean. was a little surprised when the agent said that the client (probably the father) requested 2 sessions a week, 1.5 hours each time. first of all, the kid's sec 3. it's only been half a year of content; i doubt that the school has covered a lot. second, when i talked to him, he seemed to have a good grasp of the content that his school did teach. i guess it's the asian kiasu mentality? i'd known china and japan to be study fanatics, but wasn't too sure about korea. apparently they might be, too. makes sense i suppose, given their geographical proximities to each other. VS boy is doing ok-ishly. have to get him to be sharper to spot what the questions want from him, and to break a few of his wrong habits for organic chem. no news from NYGH girl, so i'll just assume that that line is gone.

event forecast for this coming week: more slacking. need to get a few errands done, like sending a jacket for dry-cleaning, buying cold/flu panadol, and if the department administrator is finished with it, printing my thesis. it's been close to 2 weeks since i gave it to her for checking, hope she didn't forget. as far as i know, only about 3-4 other students have the same absolute deadline as me, and if we're equally kiasu, they'd have submitted before or at the same time as me. assuming one thesis takes 3 days of on-and-off checking to go through, 5 theses would take about 3 working weeks. so perhaps she's really not done yet. well, i'm fine with waiting a bit more. my absolute deadline is 04 august, which is thankfully before any of my travel plans. so even if she only clears me to print it the day before, i still have enough time to react. doubt that she'll wait that long though. other events include my JC friend's wedding dinner this saturday (another reason why i need to get better fast, and remember the red packet!), and before that, meeting yet another JC friend for lunch and to pass him something. there's supposed to be tuition with the korean kid, though i seriously don't think he needs it at this point in time. we'll see how things develop there.

i keep forgetting - i'm supposed to blog about more philosophical topics. the talk with my dad, my thoughts on marriage and kids, my ideal partner, and maybe making a spin-off fitness blog, for more detailed tracking once i start the gym routine. that'll be private, of course. though i haven't had much luck with maintaining blogs aside from this one...there was a jokes/nonsense blog with my cousin back in secondary school or JC, a JC class blog which died as soon as we graduated, and a japanese blog during undergrad days which was basically a version of this blog, but less detailed and in japanese, to help me use the language more. so...yes. this blog has outlived all of those other attempts by a wide margin. in fact, we're coming up on a special anniversary in about a week, or slightly more. i'll blog about it on the day itself. for now, time to rot for a little while longer, then head down to suntec. must remember to buy flu medication along the way.

-random thought of the day: Damned flu.-

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

While the massage therapist was tenderizing me during TCM treatment yesterday, she said that i had a lot of "wet heat" in my body, and that i was more afraid of heat than cold. being impressed at the accuracy of her observations, i asked how she knew. she said that when she did cupping for me, the areas of my body which the cups were on turned dark. that's a sign of "wetness", apparently. she also asked if i slept well every night, and was surprised when i told her i did in general. so much for that statement. for the first time in a while, i woke up twice in the middle of the night last night. the first time was after a dream of the ex. details escape me, but i know the dream wasn't pleasant. the second dream has completely faded from my memory, but it wasn't nice either. me and my big mouth, for bragging about my ability to sleep uninterrupted!

nothing much has happened over the past 2 days. massive room cleaning exercise on monday, then TCM yesterday. threw out a lot of stuff, and cleaned up a lot of dust, which made my nose run as usual. i don't get where all the dust comes from! my windows are always closed, so it's not blowing in from there. maybe the gap under my door? i think my air circulator causes negative pressure inside the room, so things get sucked in. but so much? i'm quite high up (10th floor) so it's quite scary to think of how much dust there is on lower floors. still need to organize my desk. you know what they say, a messy desk indicates a messy mind, or something like that.

also on sunday, i went to sit in on some emergency preparedness training, which is another branch of the work that the safety company does. it's also why i was out of the house so early on sunday, because the training started at 9:30am. after sitting in, i think i'm more suited to chemical and fire safety, after all, i have the relevant knowledge already. not that i can't do the emergency preparedness stuff, but it'll require more catch-up work. don't know if the boss will have training engagements for me, but we'll see. as for the other job opportunities, i just sent my resume to the other tuition centre. hope that goes through. there's one agency which i signed up with a while back, which just offered me an assignment. sec 3 chem, twice a week. not bad. but the agent told me that the commission would be half of the first 8 lessons. the normal practice is half of the first four lessons, or all of the first two lessons, same difference. so it didn't make sense why he was charging double the commission. when i asked him about it, he immediately said that he'd lower it to match the prevailing rate. i wonder, was he trying to pull a fast one on me? based on that, i'm not too keen to take up assignments from this guy any more. but let's see how the first session goes this saturday.

hmm. i think that's all for now. the past couple of days (well the past week, really) have (has) been quite relaxing. doing my best to eat healthy by lowering carbohydrate intake, and increasing that of fruits and vegetables. still succumbing to the occasional sweet treat here and there, but even then, there's been an overall decrease. could be better, though. need to control more, especially since i can't do vigorous exercise yet. just finished making a big pot of stew. didn't have stuff burning to the bottom of the pot this time. i think the weight of the cabbage squashed the onions, plus the higher heat used for pressure cooking caused the burning last time. have to start planning an itinerary for australia, and clean up my chemicals in lab. got a dinner appointment at bras basah complex later at 6:30pm, so i should leave the house by...5:15pm. am going to use public transport, since ERP and parking charges there are crazy. it probably won't take that long to go down, but i do want to stop by the pen shop there for a little while, just to browse. i wonder if they'll get annoyed if i try pens out, but don't buy any?

-random thought of the day: When you put someone up on a pedestal, you force them to look down on you.-

Sunday, July 08, 2018

An askreddit question i remember reading goes something like "who was the toughest teacher you had and why?" one of the responses had a quote from a teacher which went something like, "i will move mountains to help you understand the material and achieve a passing grade, but i will not pass you out of sympathy". i can understand that better now. for the past 3 weeks, i've been giving people chances to do something that will benefit them. i even changed the dates to suit their schedules, postponed the event when they weren't ready, and basically bent over backwards for them. even when i told them today was the absolute last deadline, people still skipped it. well, i decided to hell with it. i shouldn't have to beg them to do something that is good for them. it's tiring, you know? i will help people if they show interest and commitment. i'm not even asking for gratitude. just interest and commitment. everyone's interested in the prize, but not everyone wants to put in the work for it. actions have consequences.

just for fun (and to prevent myself from thinking unpleasant thoughts), i think i'm going to come up with a few lists of qualities that i'd want and not want in my future date.

absolute deal-breakers
- smoking
- gambling excessively
- taking drugs
- lying (including cheating)
- promiscuity after getting together
- being manipulative

compromisable things
- diet choices (eg. vegan, alcohol)
- texting/dating frequency (within limits)
- living arrangements in future

good to have, but not essential
- wears glasses
- in good shape (i can't demand what i don't have)
- wants to work out together (even dragging me to the gym)
- capable of holding a conversation
- even-tempered

must-haves
- honest
- loving/affectionate
- understands me
- reasonable, maybe even accommodating

sorry, the writing mood kind of evaporated as i was halfway through the list. guess i'm tired from being out of the house for close to 12 hours today. i expect that the list will continue to grow and be refined in future, or i may become so desperate that it just gets reduced to "wants me". i hope not though. i'll add on to this post next time. 2 things that didn't go through today are going back to the lab (my senior didn't need the droppers from my side any more), and oyster omelette (they took an impromptu 2-day break). maybe i'll go down for it on tuesday, after TCM. i'm feeling some other joints becoming sore, so i might need some other adjustments. hopefully none will involve needles. tomorrow looks like a slack day, so i'm planning to have a cooking/cleaning day. my room is kind of a mess. all in all, i have to be productive, now that thesis is no longer looming over me.

-random thought of the day: My Australia visa got approved!-

Saturday, July 07, 2018

Progress and plans are the P-words that sum up this past week for me. as you'd know, my thesis has been submitted for the format check, which is the first step in the submission process. another form of progress is that my knee is healing. i can bend it past 90 degrees, to maybe about 120 degrees now. still can't sit in seiza just yet, but if this rate of healing keeps up, i should be in decent shape by august. can feel the strain shifting to the outer side of the knee, and to the ankle as well. should bring that up to the physician on my next visit, which i think is...tuesday afternoon? lucky they have a whatsapp reminder service, so i don't miss appointments due to forgetfulness.

i am grateful that i was smart enough to get an accident insurance plan, because this qualifies as an accident, and the treatment costs are therefore claimable under the policy. i just met up with my agent taking care of my accident plan (who is also my cousin) earlier this morning to pass him the receipts and stuff. it's spending a small-ish amount to avoid losing a bigger amount in the future. thank goodness too; TCM treatment is surprisingly costly. i wonder if my previous treatments back in JC were claimed. doubtful, as i don't think i had an accident plan then. if there's only one thing you take away from this post, i hope it's that you get yourself insured, especially as you grow older.

when i said that plans were one of the P-words, i didn't specifically mean insurance plans. but i see that it worked out. i was actually referring to work and travel plans. let's do work first. out of the 5 job offers i listed in the last post, the lab officer one has fallen through. someone else got hired. no biggie. the J2 kid has also decided to discontinue tuition with me. i don't understand why people can't be more truthful. as i left his place, both he and his mother were like "see you next week!". then the very next morning, the agency tells me that they want to stop. maybe they made that decision after i left, but whatever. something interesting and unexpected really set me off though. apparently there was some miscommunication or something, because the kid's mother didn't believe that i was a grad student. i had an idea that she'd be a little difficult, because she requested that i bring my degree certificate for her to see on the first session. although tutors are obligated to do that (upon clients' request) under the terms and conditions of the tuition centre, she's the first client i know to actually exercise that right. the thing is, she didn't confront me directly about my educational qualifications, and fed back to the tuition centre that she thought that i was only applying for a graduate program, when the reality is that i'm about to finish a graduate program. what REALLY triggered me was that the tuition centre doubted me as well based on her words. sigh. to be fair to the centre though, they were really supportive after the misunderstanding was cleared up, and said that they would transfer half the fees to me. perhaps i didn't make a good first impression, or my teaching style really didn't match the kid's learning style. oh well. at least i earned $52.5 for that session, which becomes $50 after subtracting about $2 for parking. so it's not all bad. still have to email one more tuition centre and sit in on a safety training session tomorrow. hopefully something more productive will come out of those opportunities.

there was a bit of a lull in travel plans after all the kurash-related events, but i'm going to be travelling again next month! to two destinations, no less. first is to perth to see chemical engineer cousin and my online gaming friend, which i think i've mentioned before. there were some changes in the flight prices, so i'm now set to be there from 10 to 19 august. 10 days might be a little too long, but i'm arriving at night on the 10th, so that's effectively one day gone. i figure that i'll have to budget my time well. maybe 6 days with my cousin and cousin-in-law, 3 days with my friend. or 5:4, even. depends on the itinerary and which attractions we're visiting, i think. so far i've looked on tripadvisor as per my cousin's recommendation, and a couple of things have caught my eye. should discuss that in detail with her soon. i'm excited, yet a little nervous. hope that i won't overstay my welcome.

my second destination is jakarta (again), for the asian games. it gives me some sense of satisfaction to know that i am representing singapore at a higher level then the people of the judo federation would ever let me. and yes, i can base this argument upon facts. #1: they won't reinstate my national referee license, despite me writing in twice to ask. #2: the highest level of competition to which continental-level referees have gone is the SEA games. so all i can say to the federation is...SUCK IT that it's their loss. i'll definitely invest more into kurash refereeing, because the opportunities are more freely available. it's a long shot, but i hope that i can referee in the olympics someday.

had wanted to go back to the lab tonight to clean up the portable bed and stash it in my car, while also getting some glass droppers for my senior before going to jalan berseh food centre for the famous oyster omelette. but the fact that it started to rain monkeys and elephants killed those plans. i'm not about to drive in wet weather...don't want to tempt fate. i figure that i'll just go to lab earlier tomorrow to do those 2 tasks (plus it's free parking all day on sundays!). tomorrow is kind of a busy day, actually. lab visit and safety course sit-in in the morning, followed by tuition, then kurash. not sure if NYGH girl wants tuition or not, but i'm assuming no unless she gets in touch with me. it's a loss in income, but at least she's up to date on her payments. thinking of heading down for oyster omelette after training (the stall only opens after 6:00pm), but let's see how things go. given what we're doing for training tomorrow, i may not have the mood for it in the end.

-random thought of the day: Need to prepare for tomorrow.-

Wednesday, July 04, 2018

"やっとできた! (Yatto dekita!)" translates to "[it's] finally done!". and by "it", i mean my thesis. well, perhaps "done" may not be the right word to use, since there's still examiners' comments to go, but i initiated the submission procedure today, which is a huge step forward! had a minor hiccup in that being my usual blind self, i conveniently didn't read that apart from the thesis itself, we were required to submit the submission form and a copy of the unofficial transcript at the same time. so there was a mild scramble as i went back to lab to print those two things and get my professor's signature. now that it's july, i didn't renew my season parking in NUS. after all, i don't foresee myself going back very often, unless i have to do supplementary lab work...which is a problem i'll tackle as and when it comes up. but yes. i spent 20-ish to 30 minutes in lab, and got charged close to $2 for that amount of time. happens when parking goes for 8 cents a minute. thankfully, NUS staff/season carparks have 15-minute grace periods, so i managed to dodge paying anything for the rest of the time i spent there. the trick is to have ≤15-minute bursts of activity, then move the car...although 15 minutes is cutting it super close. another trick is to park anywhere with impunity after 7:30pm, but that's not possible when the people i need to see operate on office hours. i'll have to wait for the department administrator to finish her check, then get back to me before i print copies of the official full version. wonder how long it'll take. by this week would be best, but i'm ok as long as it doesn't drag past the 15th. have to check what i need to bring for the formal submission. student bill and research feedback form, plus a CD copy of the thesis, off the top of my head. will confirm closer to the deadline.

what else is new since the last post? my knee feels better. this week is the third week after the injury, and also my third TCM session. this week's session was a little better than the last. they said that the swelling's gone down, which is a good sign. still don't like them doing acupuncture around the knee joint, though. i can bend it slightly more than 90 degrees now, which is progress. it's led to some secondary injuries, like there's a ligament on top of my foot that feels sore because it's compensating for the knee. guess i'll stick on more medicated plasters. one stupid thing i've done twice so far is get on my bed the wrong way, most recently tonight. if i wasn't injured, what i'd normally do is put a bent knee on the bed wile reaching for something over on the far end. and being right-handed, i'd naturally favour my right knee. damned muscle memory. the jolt of pain that follows is a swift reminder of why i shouldn't do that. the physician also recommended that i wear shoes for walking about outdoors, as they support the heel better than slippers and reduce strain on that particular ligament that's sore. but slippers are so comfortable! sigh. i'm hoping that i'll be better by end-august, really. this is a serious wrench in my plans. but of all the recent injury cases in the past month or so, mine's relatively minor. that's saying something in itself, right? we've had an ankle fracture and a suspected torn meniscus as the forerunners for worst injury, so i should count my blessings. to be very honest though, i'm feeling a little upset/resentful towards the coach. the injury happened because he asked (forced) me to fight two consecutive matches. i was tired out by the end of the first bout and wanted to rest, but he kind of pressured me into it. i guess i'm to blame too, for not sticking to my guns. guess i just want a scapegoat. regardless, i think that i should know my own limits next time. i know that i haven't been sparring for too long when the kids were surprised to learn how the injury came about.

job offers are coming in! well, part-time jobs, anyway. let's do a quick rundown of the ones i have so far:
teaching safety courses - ad-hoc, weekday nights (to be confirmed tomorrow)
private tuition - ongoing, 3 students so far
learning lab - potential job, to be confirmed soon
other tuition centre - will start in september earliest
school lab officer - temporary, 2 months (unsure)

i'm hoping that the safety course thing goes through, and that assignments will come in fairly frequently from that end. private tuition is ok, and has been helping to defray my costs for the past few months. need to talk more in detail about that soon. there are 2 tuition centres on the list, first of which is the learning lab. apparently my dad has a contact in there, so we'll see. the other centre is recommended by one of the chemistry guys, and i'll be teaching lower secondary MATHS. if you know me to a decent degree, you'll know why that is uncharacteristic of (and quite terrifying for) me. well...i don't know. i might not take that job, because there's a 2-year contract involved. last on the list is the lab officer thing. it's for a secondary school, and recommended by an old chem teacher. unfortunately it's not in/for cat high. the job scope involves preparing solutions and apparatus. stuff that i've done countless times before. my teacher even said that i was overqualified, but hey, if it pays, why not?

private tuition is becoming less and less appealing. i guess as i get older, the generation gap becomes more apparent. and isn't it something that people who are younger than me go for? like undergrads, or guys who've finished NS and are waiting for university. perhaps i should stop it by the end of this year. after all, i don't have a continuity plan. my current students are sec 4 and J2, which means that i don't have anyone to "follow up" next year. which is good as well, if my decision is to quit. the weird thing is, given that i have a degree in chemistry, i should be able to handle A-level stuff. but as you know, i'm a synthetic chemist. today's first session with a J2 boy didn't go as smoothly as i'd planned, especially when he asked about ionic equilibria. his feedback to me was that i should try to teach more according to what he learns in school, and explain things more clearly. i accept the latter bit, because i do admit that i assumed that he knew more than he actually did. but to teach according to how his school does? short of crashing and sneaking into lectures, i don't see how i'm going to do that. nevertheless, he has a point. tuition is for the student's benefit, after all. and i should really revise my physical chem.

due in part to the recent injuries, and in part to people having regular work/school lives, kurash hasn't been seeing much progress in recent months. we did have a short meeting with a potential sponsor, but i quite doubt that he and his company are on board. at this rate, both me and another guy are afraid that we may lose the momentum that we'd built since the start of the year. but then again, that momentum was "artificial", in a way, or unsustainable. the reason we had it was because there were several international events lined up over a relatively short period, so people were excited to jump on the bandwagon. but now that that's faded, everyone's kind of lost enthusiasm. the problem is, this is the time when we need even more enthusiasm, to make sure that it doesn't die out. that friend and i projected the worst case is that we're reduced to just refereeing. the reason i say this is because i won't let the thing die completely, not after what we've accomplished in such a short time. i figured that since judo is more or less a dead end as long as the current people remain in power, i'll earn my international accreditation in kurash. but well, we'll monitor it for a few more months. hopefully someone has an idea how to make it work.

there's more i want to blog about, including a talk which my dad had with me this past sunday. i know he means well, but there are certain things that he said with which i disagreed. more on that in the next post, i guess. perth plans, too. still haven't done the tripadvisor thing yet, but i reckon that i should have more free time to do it now.

-random thought of the day: Is this the first time I've used "reckon" here?-

Saturday, June 30, 2018

Several events today have served to remind me of my age, first of which being the cat high homecoming. i went down for a very short while, since my goal was not to spend any money there. didn't see anyone i knew, though - even the teachers. secondary school seems like almost a lifetime away. well, in 2 years, it'd be half our lifetimes away, but you know what i mean. i do miss those days a little. maybe not sec 1 and sec 2 so much, since i was still in the "trying to fit in", aka "getting bullied" phase. but things got better in sec 3 and sec 4. perhaps i'm also subconsciously filtering out some of the bad stuff...you know, we tend to paint a rosier picture of things once we get past them and reminisce.

event #2 was visiting my cousin-in-law and newly-born baby niece in the hospital. both mother and daughter are doing really well! they offered to let me hold the baby, but i declined. just not mentally prepared yet. maybe tomorrow, when i go down again. in case you don't know, my cousin is only 4 days older than me. so the fact that HE'S NOW A FATHER hits a little closer to home than i'd like. they were talking about the labour process, where words like "contractions", "cervix dilation", "water breaking" and "epidural" were thrown about. i think it's my good karma that i won't put any woman through the whole process of pregnancy and childbirth, not to mention bringing up a child. after seeing so many people i know have kids, and hearing their stories, i'm pretty sure that i'm perfectly happy to just be the favourite uncle.

the last thing was a JC gathering that was organized by one of my schoolmates from that time. despite me being not at all close to the host, he remembered me (somewhat). i knew him because he was in the student council, and therefore he was somewhat prominent. i'm sure that we saw each other around school a bit too. might even have had the same econs lecture at one point; i think his home tutor taught my class econs too. in the close-to 5 hours i was there, i must have seen about 40 people come and go. recognized about 40% of them, including 2 of my (ex-)classmates, some people i know by name and face only, and my secondary school classmate-turned-JC schoolmate...the same one that introduced me to blogging. for some reason, despite last seeing some (most) of them at JC graduation or A-level results day, there wasn't as much awkwardness as i'd thought there'd be. i don't know how to explain it, but i didn't feel any pressure or judgement. like, totally zero. we were talking about how CJC had a friendly and welcoming atmosphere, and some of the plus-ones who didn't study with us didn't get it. i don't blame them. it's probably something that has to be experienced to be understood. and credit definitely goes to the host as well. he was warm, attentive, and hospitable. he does have a background in hospitality, so there's that. he was telling us about how he wasted 2 years working menial jobs in australia despite his law degree, while waiting for his PR that never came. quite an interesting story. i really hope that we stay in touch.

being around my old schoolmates actually made me think a bit. some of them are married (some with kids, even), some are engaged, some are partnered, and some are still single. for some reason, i didn't lament my lack of a partner while i was there, nor did i feel any negativity to the ex or the person (for whom i should come up with a codename soon to prevent confusion). maybe it's because i'm hanging out with a crowd that's more my age. i don't know. but today has been a reminder that there is so much more to life, and that i just have to look in the right places. above all, i should focus on getting myself ready for a lasting relationship, which will come when i'm ready. i realize that my self-image issues actually run quite deep, which is bad. hopefully getting a nicer body will go some way to alleviating that.

-random thought of the day: Nostalgia overload today.-

Friday, June 29, 2018

Now more than ever, i believe that everything happens for a reason. i've definitely quoted this song before, but i think i want to put it up in its entirety.



Bon Jovi - Welcome to Wherever You Are
Maybe we're all different, but we're still the same
We all got the blood of Eden running through our veins
I know sometimes it's hard for you to see
You're caught between just who you are and who you want to be
If you feel alone and lost and need a friend
Remember every new beginning is some beginning's end

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
That right here, right now
You're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome to wherever you are

When everybody's in and you're left out
And you feel you're drowning in the shadow of a doubt
Everyone's a miracle in their own way
Just listen to yourself, not what other people say
When it's seems you're lost, alone and feeling down
Remember everybody's different, just take a look around

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
Right here, right now
You're exactly where you're supposed to be

Be who you want to be
Be who you are
Everyone's a hero
Everyone's a star

When you want to give up and your heart's about to break
Remember that you're perfect, God makes no mistakes

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
Right here, right now
You're exactly where you're supposed to be
And I say welcome
I say welcome
Welcome

i'm not religious myself, but i really identify with the lyrics of this song, despite the mention of god and eden. all of our decisions have worked together to place us wherever we happen to be at this point in time, and wherever it is, it's the best possible place we can be. i would suppose that there are limits and exceptions, though. if, say, i got paralyzed or blinded or somehow became permanently disabled, it might be hard to see the silver lining around those clouds. so i guess i should say that barring any really extreme circumstances, we really are in the best possible place that we can be.

the thing that triggered this thought was that i got a message from genesis gym. earlier, i'd called in to enquire about re-signing up. you see, members who'd completed a 12-week package with them would be eligible for 25% off their next package. the small print (of which i wasn't informed, or i forgot) was that the 25% discount was only applicable if i re-signed a package within 16 weeks of completion. it's been almost a year since my package completion which exceeds that duration by about 3.something times. and as you recall, i previously posted that without the discount, signing for a package now would absolutely kill my bank account. also, given my knee injury, it wouldn't have been worth it to sign up now anyway. so the plan was to wait. earlier this evening, the nice genesis people messaged me and said that there was a promotion - 25% off all packages until end-august. it lines up quite well, because (1) i'll be travelling in early august (more on that soon) so i won't be around to use the gym at the time, and (2) end-august is also about 2 months from the injury, so hopefully i'll have recovered enough to receive the go-ahead to do more vigorous physical activity by then. in a twisted sort of way, it was a good thing that the injury happened, because had i been completely ok, i probably would have signed up regardless of the price. so yes. i'm just hoping that it won't leave any (or too much) lasting damage.

spent the morning cooking. made a big pot of vegetable stew, which will serve as my meals for the next week. i don't understand it though, i keep getting a burnt black mess at the bottom of the pot. previously, i thought it was because i burned the onions while sauteeing them. this time, i made sure not only to keep stirring the onions, but i added water earlier as well, to stop the caramelization. there was nothing burnt before i loaded the rest of the vegetables in. might be because i was using a pressure cooker, and the higher heat caused the bottom layer of vegetables to burn. but through water!?? this warrants more investigation. i'm thinking to put a plate down, to make sure that the vegetables don't come in direct contact with the bottom of the pan. will probably try that next week.

closure is something that i tend to look for. not always, but yes for the things that matter to me. maybe that's why cutting communication with the person just like that didn't (and still doesn't) sit quite right with me. in my ideal world, i would probably meet them one last time to tell them that i knew that they were lying, and ask why, in the hope of getting some reasonable answers. scary JC friend says it's no use, since i already doubt everything the person says, so whatever they said then would have almost no value to me. she also said that i shouldn't need to feel bad or accountable to that person because they're a lying scumbag. again, she's right, but i don't know. i really wonder if it was something i said or did. it probably wasn't. the leading hypothesis is that that person just tells people what they want to hear with no regard for their emotions, and the primary objective is to get people in bed. makes me wonder how they will ever find a partner. it's a pity, i'd have loved them if given the chance. just like with the ex, but that was slightly different. regardless, i'd have loved the ex if they'd shown some signs of loving me back, instead of having to convince themself. ah well. it's ancient history by now.

my baby niece was born a few hours ago! i was just talking to her dad (my cousin) about half an hour before the time of birth. at that time, he said that his wife had been in labour for 11 hours. i have no idea why people put themselves through the horror of childbirth. but well, it's a free world. it's kind of stupid, but i'm getting emotional at the thought of having a baby niece. it's not like this is the first cousin who's had a child, so it's definitely not the novelty factor. maybe it's because i'm very close to this cousin, and not to mention that we're the same age. part of me wonders if i'm missing out by not having a kid. but then, i figure that i'm missing out on both the good and the bad. whereas if i play with my friends'/relatives' kids, i'll experience the good, but not have to deal with the bad. so all in all, i think it'll be ok. looking forward to seeing her tomorrow!

last year while she was visiting, chemical engineer cousin invited me to go visit her and her husband in perth sometime. it's almost a year later, and "sometime" is coming soon. the plan right now is to head down in early august, since i don't think the examiners will finish with my thesis so quickly, and also because flights are cheaper, and the end of the month is blocked off for asian games anyway. i'm also using the opportunity to meet one of my in-game friends, who's studying there. should be a fun trip! have to save up from tuition money though. tickets go for about $400 (return), and i think i'll bring about AUD400-500 to spend. good thing that the exchange rate is about 1:1, instead of the singapore dollar being weaker, like it was the last time i went. not sure if i want to plan for a melbourne leg of the trip. budget and time constraints, after all. well...we'll see. still have a month and a bit to decide.

-random thought of the day: Right knee, please get better soon!-

Tuesday, June 26, 2018

Our surroundings truly influence us, and often to a greater extent than we think. remember a while ago, i was having regrets about not starting the dating thing earlier, not sleeping around and all that stuff? i talked to a few of my friends about it, and their responses have been quite consistent. typically, it follows the track of "physical gratification doesn't equal emotional fulfillment", with which i agree. one of my friends also brought up the point of STDs, and HIV in particular. he was saying that while the chemistry guys are relatively open-minded, telling them that i'd contracted HIV would probably be too much even for them. and i agree. in fact, i'd probably react somewhat not-positively too, if a friend told me that they were HIV-positive. i mean, i'd still consider them a friend and have meals with them and whatnot, but there'd always be this hyper-vigilant scanning for bodily fluids and possibilities of transmission going on in the background, which i can imagine would get tiring/tiresome really fast. unfortunately, (to my knowledge,) none of my friends have had the experience of sleeping around, so we're all discussing hypotheticals here. maybe i might believe it more if i personally knew someone who had been sleeping around, and said that they regretted it. or maybe i can test it out myself. after all, nothing wrong with sleeping around a little if one's not committed, right? but i've got to work on my body first, to make it easier...or even possible.

and speaking of my body, today was the second session of TCM. there's improvement in my range of motion, and i'm walking at about 90% normalcy now, but at a much slower pace. despite it being round 2 of treatment, the needles were worse today. the physician did more acupuncture around the knee area, and as you know, that's a sensitive area under the best of circumstances. i cannot begin to tell you how much i screamed in that session. maybe let's put it this way. i almost screamed myself hoarse. there was one area she poked where i felt electrical signals run through my whole leg. not exactly pleasant. but she's nice, skilled, and professional, and it's just my own fear of needles and being poked in general that's making her look bad. more importantly, there's decent progress. she said it would take about a month to regain normal-ish function, and maybe another month after that before i can go for vigorous activity. will probably not think of hardcore judo any more...this injury might just be a sign that i should accept my limitations and gracefully transition into a full teaching role. and with that, my high-dan dreams are also probably over. i'd be beyond grateful if i could see 5th or 6th dan in this lifetime, but at this point, i'd be happy with any grade above 2nd dan.

coincidentally, i (not literally) bumped into my cousin-in-law at the TCM place. she said her back was hurting, so she went in for a massage. i thought the head physician knew that i was related to her (my cousin-in-law), but apparently she (the head physician) didn't! she knows my cousin and my aunt too, as we've all been to see her. in fact, my aunt first brought me to her old clinic to get my judo injury looked over back when i was in J2...think the first time was for my collarbone. not sure if i went back to them for knee stuff, though memory says i did. anyway, my cousin-in-law is due to give birth soon! according to her, she's due by this saturday latest, which puzzled me a little. i didn't realize pregnancies had cutoff dates. always thought that they happened naturally as and when the mother and baby were ready. or maybe that that means is that they'll induce labour if it doesn't naturally happen by saturday. is it not good for the baby to be inside for too long as well? i'm not a gynecologist, so i've got no idea. whatever the case, i'll be seeing my baby niece soon! for someone who hates kids, i'm actually kind of excited. i just hope that they won't offer to let me hold her or anything.

still no word on the thesis. then again, it's only been 2 working days. i figure that i'll wait another day, then go bug my professor about it. i hope that he won't find too much fault with it, and that he'll trust me enough to say something like, "make these minor edits then go print a copy". my absolute last submission deadline is 04 august, but the department administrator told me to submit by 23 july so that they have reaction time for paperwork and all that. my plan is actually to submit by 6 july at the latest, though that's also dependent on how fast my professor gets back to me, and which is why i'll have to chase him if nothing is heard by tomorrow.

i know that i'm supposed to focus on myself now, getting my knee fixed, eating better, having a good sleep schedule, eventually going back to working out. but somehow there's this (to use a recent popular slang term) thirsty part of me that wants some action NOW. but i guess that's up to me to exercise self-control and positive thinking. perhaps i should remind myself that rejection sucks. that might be a good enough deterrent for me to just keep to myself for a while.

-random thought of the day: Feeling (mentally) lighter.-

Sunday, June 24, 2018

Knee update! 4 days after the injury, and 2.5 days after TCM, i have about 60% mobility. i can bend the knee to just past 90°, after which there is more pain than i'm comfortable with. the injury doesn't seem to be that bad, as the leg can still support my weight (yes, i did try standing on the injured leg, and it works fine). only things are that rotation is still pretty much a no-no, and i'm still having difficulty walking. it's the transition from bent knee to straightened leg that hurts. based on my amateur knowledge, and thanks to some anatomical drawings online, i figured that i'd strained my lateral collateral ligament, which is on the inner side of the knee, facing the other leg. the area where my medial collateral ligament should be (on the opposite side of the knee) is feeling a little tender too, so there may have been some (wait for it...) collateral damage there. see what i did? good thing is that the inside of the knee (meniscus, cruciate ligaments) don't seem to be hurt; at least i'm not experiencing pain in that area. i'm due for a follow-up TCM session on tuesday, 3:00 or 4:00pm, can't recall. they should send me a reminder over SMS the day before, so i'm not that worried. worst case is i'll call in to ask. hopefully mobility will improve to 80% or more after that. i really want to get better as soon as possible.

you know, i've been wondering about the proper care procedure for soft tissue injuries. the general advice is to rest the joint and not move it around too much. but from my experience with injured knees and ankles, keeping the joint at rest/immobile for too long kind of "freezes" it in place, and makes movement more difficult later. at the same time, moving the joint too much isn't good either, as it creates stress and delays the healing process. perhaps the answer is to exercise and rest in moderation. like, don't leave it stationary for too long, but know when it's getting tired and you have to stop.

spent 7 hours yesterday going through all 6 chapters of my thesis and checking for uniformity/making edits. with that, i'd say about 95% of the work is done, provided my professor doesn't want any major edits. that also just leaves the preface and conclusions to go. well, more of the preface; the conclusion's about 80% written already. i read my senior's thesis, and his conclusion was quite impressive. i liked the way it naturally suggested that his work (and the work of our lab in general) would be the next step in cancer therapy. should attempt something like that, without plagiarizing, of course. the preface is easier to settle, but more tedious. have to do up the contents page, as well as the lists of tables, figures, schemes, and abbreviations. lots of copy-paste work, so you can see why it's easy but annoying. if all goes well, we're looking at a late june to early july submission, after which i can focus on non-school stuff more wholeheartedly. have to clear out my workspace, too. 3.5 years of documents, data, and memories. i think i'll bring a big box in on monday, start doing some packing of the stuff that i don't really use any more, like textbooks and the portable bed, which kind of needs a wipe-down.

quickly touching on that person, it's been a week with no contact. well, technically 6 days, but still. at this point, i think it's clear to see where i stand in their eyes. i still don't get why they even agreed to try and start something, but lie about their intentions. and worse, to persist in the false front despite the many opportunities to escape that i gave them. i always mentioned that if they disagreed with anything i said, we could discuss it and come to a compromise. well...maybe some people aren't meant to be understood by me. right now, i'm mostly over it, though i will still occasionally wonder why things turned out like this. and yes, i know that most of my friends (and maybe readers here too) will say that it's because this person's a scumbag. nothing to understand apart from that. well, one good thing did come out of this entire fiasco. i learnt about a pretty nice song from them:


i'm not entirely prepared to listen to it now, because it will still trigger some memories, which is bad as i need time and distance away from them. but i should also remind myself that i should take these things independently. kind of like the ex and final fantasy. just because we broke up doesn't mean that i'll stop playing. and just because this person was so horrible doesn't mean i shouldn't appreciate a nice song that they happen to like. right. time for tuition!

-random thought of the day: Believe actions over words.-

Thursday, June 21, 2018

Have you heard of the monkey's paw story? the titular object is a fictional artifact that grants you your heart's desire, but with a twist. scary JC friend's dad cited the example of a man who wanted to live forever, but ended up getting trapped in a wall as it was being built. other versions i've heard include one person wishing for infinite wealth, but dying shortly after. based on those two examples, i think you get the idea that to make a wish on one of those things, you probably need a lawyer to draft up a wish contract. in a twisted sort of way. i think that one of my wishes was inadvertently picked up by a monkey's paw. you see, i wished for a distraction from thinking about that person. but instead of getting more willpower to finish my thesis, or motivation to look for a good job, or something that would have steered me in a more productive direction, i got injured during judo yesterday. was sparring with a junior when i went down with her for a throw. don't know how, but my right knee popped. it was really bad, too...almost like the first time it happened back in 2009. the knee swelled up, and walking was painful. it was bad to the point where i brought my TCM appointment forward to "asap", which thankfully was earlier today. they happened to have a slot open, and i jumped on it. there's improvement, but i'm still rather limited in my range of motion. as if the knee injury wasn't bad enough, there's also a minor rolled ankle and basically my entire right leg's muscles are tight. worse still, the aftereffects include strain on my left side as well, because of the increased reliance on it for walking and other weight-bearing activities. just when plan get fit was supposed to take off!

actually, it might not be all that bad. i called genesis this past tuesday, to get updates on their membership prices. while my plan was to go for the unlimited package, doing so would quite literally wipe my bank account out. so i figure that i'll use the next month or so to earn some money, and build some good lifestyle habits, like eating less processed food and finding more stuff that i can cook myself. i was talking to the massage therapist at the TCM place while she was brutalizing me (or, loosening my muscles up, same difference), and she said that i'm still young - in fact, many singaporean guys get married in their mid-30s. i suppose that's true, but that's not exactly applicable to me for a number of reasons. regardless, i did appreciate her calling me handsome. i don't think it's just to make me happy because i'm a customer...at least i hope it isn't. but one thing that we both agreed on is that i could be more handsome if the excess weight went away. that's a goal to work towards, i guess.

earning money won't exactly be easy. so far, i've got a couple of tuition kids (one from NYGH, another from VS). that gives me enough money to survive on, provided that the kids don't have to miss classes. aside from that, i had a contact for kent ridge tuition centre, and there are several other tentative plans that may or may not happen. i'm actually really grateful to have friends that are so willing to help me in my time of need. i'm just hoping that i can weather these few months. it should get better soon.

-random thought of the day: Needles suck.-

Monday, June 18, 2018

Talking to a particular friend gave me an epiphany. this guy is someone whom i look up to as a mentor/big brother kind of figure. before our conversation last night, i think we hadn't talked for more than a year. it's partially because we aren't that close to begin with, and partially because he's living and working in australia now. even though the advice he gave was basically the same as practically everyone so far, ie. cut and run, he said one thing that had a greater impact on me than probably any of my friends in singapore could create. when i told him that cutting off all contact with the person would be tough initially, he replied, "yes it will be tough but if you had to reach out to me, someone you’ve not spoken to for eons, then you KNOW it’s bad". i suppose that *is* a really telling sign, and it should give me even more impetus to give this up completely.

i guess i have to find out what are the residual threads that i can't bear to cut just yet. the most obvious is physical, as i'm still attracted to them. but i can and should remind myself that there are people who look better, and who have better personalities to complement their looks. perhaps the reason i'm stuck here is because of their apparently easy availability, and because they said that they didn't mind my appearance. that's a demon i'll have to exorcise eventually. the next thread is a darker one, and it's a need for justice. you may disagree with me, but i want to see the person suffer for what they've done...ideally by having their heart broken. given their attitude towards interpersonal relations, and especially given their lack of interest in me, their heart won't be affected by anything i can do. want to stop seeing each other? "ok." i know that you've been lying to my face? "ok." get the hell away and don't contact me again? "ok." i might get "i'm sorry." if i'm really lucky, but you can see the general trend, right? someone else i spoke to says that i can take comfort in the fact that while i can potentially find a partner who will love/care for me as much as i love/care for them, this person will never know that feeling as i doubt that most regular people will be interested to commit similarly to pathological liars. that does bring a small measure of comfort, but at the same time, it's not guaranteed that i will find a partner for myself either. in that regard, i'll just have to do what i can and see if fate/luck smiles upon me. as for needing justice/revenge, i just want the person to be hurt somehow. and if their emotions are not a good target, the next best would be physical damage. not that i'd do anything like that; i'm not about to risk my future for an idiot. WAIT. i just thought of a way i could damage them emotionally. if i can't destroy them, i can destroy their image in their idol's eyes. i know who i could expose this to to make it hurt the most. but it's highly improbable, because the idol i need to get to is fairly popular and will probably not have time to entertain a random guy from half a world away. just a thought that i can entertain, and maybe something i can plot towards when either drunk and/or feeling particularly vengeful.

that's it right? i don't think there's anything else really keeping me from just leaving. to be fair, the above two factors can't really keep me from leaving either, they're just delaying the process. another friend of mine suggested that i try to get one last physical encounter out of this whole mess. i'm torn about that. i would hardly decline physical intimacy at this point, but i'm not sure if getting it from this person is the best way to go. i think my decision is becoming clearer. here's what i will do. i will wait until 6:00pm today. if i hear nothing from that person, i'll just block and delete. out of sight, out of mind. it will suck to miss out on the physical aspect, but i think that missing out is better for me in the long run. another reminder to myself: i am stronger and more resilient than i know. i just need trying enough circumstances to bring that side of me out. this qualifies, i think. should do one more of those "letter to myself" things. the last one i remember writing was just before beginning grad school. reading it made me smile. how young and foolish i was! so much has changed in the coming-to 5 years since that letter was written. but that's life. it goes on.

-random thought of the day: Call the gym today, and bring the column up.-

Sunday, June 17, 2018

Should really look at this whole situation objectively and sort my thoughts out. i met scary JC friend and that new friend (who i realize is still nice, but not as nice as i'd previously thought), and they both gave me a lot to think about in terms of my desires and future plans.

first off, i met the person for dinner last night. it was bad, and "it" encompasses both the food and the overall experience. to start, they were an hour late. apparently there was some crisis at their work, but i'm not too inclined to believe it. i realize that there's really no point trying for anything serious with this person, not when i'm skeptical about everything single thing they say. more fact checking has also resulted in more lies being exposed, including the one about promising not to sleep with others until we'd first slept together. brief background: that person did tell me that they felt that they could not be monogamous, but promised to stay emotionally faithful as a couple. this declaration came a day after meeting my hot friend, so i'll leave you to draw your own conclusions. let me help you along the way - the person told me that they'd go for my friend first, after they were "freed" by me. and it's not like the person was keeping their end of the deal before that, anyway, so i didn't see the point of them telling me. we had a little uh, physical activity after that. more than kissing, less than sex. and remind me never to kiss a smoker. it's not a good time. and during the "activity", the person was basically a dead fish. given their level of experience, that's hardly to be expected. so i guess it might be different if i was more appealing to them. oh well. and they were supposed to go back to their workplace to settle that "emergency". i offered to drop them right at the front door, but they refused despite it requiring only a very slight detour. instead, they wanted me to drop them at an MRT station...no doubt making it easier to travel to the next place for a hookup.

now here's the part i don't understand. why is the person going to such lengths to maintain the charade? during dinner, i even gave them the ultimate "get out of jail free" card, by telling them that if they didn't want to do anything physical with me, they could tell me, i wouldn't be offended or upset, and we could both walk away. yet they persisted and told me that they did want me physically. i even told them about my ex not wanting to get physical because of my appearance, and they looked sympathetic about it. quote - "that's really superficial, looks are not the main deciding factor for me". i absolutely don't get it. not sure if i've raised this suspicion before, but i think that this person is sociopathic. and if that is indeed the case, there is nothing for me to understand, really. the perception and values that this person has would be completely foreign and illogical to me.

right. here's the new list of established facts:
this person is a pathological liar
this person's primary goal is sexual gratification
this person is not interested in me, despite what they've been saying
this person is more than likely entertaining me for a chance to get with my friend
this person is self-centred in bed (with someone they don't like)

taking all that into account, any rational person would be running far away. i will be honest here, i am somehow still irrationally wanting something to happen. and by something, i mean something physical only. perhaps it's the sunk cost fallacy...since i invested something into it, i want something back out of it. either that, or i've been dry for too long. i just counted...it's been 31 months since i got any action (last night doesn't count). and even worse, i may be letting my ego get in the way. like, i notice that i'm (still) oddly possessive over this person, in the sense that i stupidly still expect my friend to not sleep with them. i can't control either of their decisions, so it's really pointless.

let's examine my intentions in greater detail. say we are intimate. there are 2 possible outcomes: it's good, or it's bad. right now, the latter seems more likely. is bad sex better than no sex? at this point, i'm leaning towards yes. might be due to my lack of physical contact for the longest time. but i also know that i'm worth more than that. and why am i devaluing myself? because my perceived value of myself is that low, i guess. it's not a good thing, nor is it a good place to be. what do i hope to gain out of all this? intimacy. only? at this point, yes. i'm not about to enter into a relationship with someone like that. scary JC friend suggests that i not do anything. we're supposed to be meeting tomorrow night, to finish whatever we started yesterday. if they contact me about it, i can choose whether to go or not. if they don't, the choice is made for me. assuming that they do, i would probably go down if it's convenient and time permits and all that. i think this will probably be the last time i meet them (if that wasn't already yesterday). here are some more productive things i can do: get in touch with the gym. finish up the supporting info and all the tiny loose ends for thesis. call the tuition centre and ask about becoming a tutor. explore 2 potential temporary job opportunities that came up. i will not die without this person, and it's a given that the opposite is true as well. but i will need tome to get over this and recover. emotional wounds need proper care, too.

-random thought of the day: New tuition kid!-

Friday, June 15, 2018

Calling myself sapiosexual (being primarily attracted to/turned on by intelligence) is a bit of a stretch. but converting a couple of words to their opposites (ie. "i am turned on by smart people" -> "i am turned off by stupid people") yields a far more accurate statement. the person just messed up even bigger, if that's even possible at all. when you consider that this person has been lying to my face (including telling me that they don't lie), hooking up behind my back, generally treating me as if i was disposable, you'd think it would be a difficult act to top! but somehow, they did. like i was telling scary JC friend, i witnessed a new pinnacle of human stupidity today. it's a lesson for me too...don't let lust overwhelm common sense. i'm quite interested to see how things will unfold in the next...20 hours or so. there's a chance that i'll finally get some! although the same thought has been crossing my mind - do i really want to get it on with someone like that? i'm undecided. or that person may figure that the final prize at the end isn't worth it, and not want to get it on with me either. either way, i have no more emotional attachment, so i will handle it in my usual style.

remember that new friend i was talking about in my previous post? i do like him as a person, but at the same time, i am pretty jealous of him. he's got decent looks, a good body, and is relatively young. with his current decision to play the field, he's getting plenty of attention from similarly good-looking people. that also means he's got no lack of companionship whether it be for mahjong or other more...intense physical activity. makes me wish i could have even half of his "luck", so to speak. yes, i know it's not really luck. jealousy is hardly a productive emotion, is it? i should take steps to change my life instead of hoping for a miracle. i'm not getting any younger, after all.

*Update at 2:39pm*
Stunts are being pulled. so tonight became tomorrow night. i'm fairly neutral about it...will just take it as a break from writing and tuition. it's quite entertaining to watch people dig themselves into increasingly deeper holes. reminder to self: never assume that you're the smartest one in the room. either you're really not, or you need to move to a new room. and it's probably also wise to stop racial stereotyping. here i thought anyone with japanese blood would be unfailingly kind, polite, nice, and all-round amazing. that has been the case so far up till now, but there's a first time for everything. or maybe it's their singaporean half that messed them up. well...whatever the case, that's how the cards fell. and it's also for the best that i have as little to do as possible (ideally nothing to do) with pathological liars. all in all, it's a good thing that this won't go anywhere.

-random thought of the day: Be productive.-

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Pain is bad. but temporary pain that will bring about future benefits is worth tolerating. i mean that in terms of both physical pain and emotional pain, both of which i'll talk about in this post.

physical first. i went to the nice TCM practitioner to get my injuries from the accident sorted. i hadn't been there in 8-ish years before today. last time was for a judo-related injury, i think. either collarbone or knees. apparently the accident messed me up worse than i'd thought. my left shoulder injury led to stiffness in my neck, and my sprained right toes led to muscle strains in my left side because i was using it more to compensate for the right. lots of muscle soreness in my lower legs too. today's treatment consisted of a course of massage, cupping, acupuncture, and bonesetting. long story short - everything hurt. the acupuncture was the worst though, given my intense dislike of needles. i'd forgotten that they used a cold spray on the area before stabbing me with the needle, so the first one was a real shock. it got a tiny bit easier after that, but still sucked. i enjoyed the bonesetting a little,  with all the cracking and popping...except when the nice doctor pushed my shoulder back into place. that hurt. good thing is that i felt so much more relieved after the session, like i could stand straight up and with good posture too. i'm due for a follow-up in a couple of weeks, and i also did ask about how TCM can help with getting into better shape. yes, i'm aware that it's not a miracle fix, and i know that i still have to put in the work in terms of going to the gym, eating better, and all that. but hey, a little extra help never hurt, right?

emotional healing now. thanks to even more batman work (this time with help from a sidekick), i am beyond certain that this person thinks with their genitalia. funny how once i know a person is of questionable morals/integrity, it becomes easy to drop any and all emotional attachment to them. so i guess the end goal has changed from a stable relationship to something purely physical...although even that might not materialize depending on how events unfold in the next 2 days. either way, it's for the better in the long run. as with most (all?) things, it's a learning experience. one good thing that came out of this is that i made a very interesting friend. i look forward to knowing him better in future.

moving forward, it's more or less back to the "me first" plan. what this new friend and scary JC friend said is true - that my own issues with my appearance are getting in the way of me meeting potential partners, and the only way to solve that is for me to be happy with how i look. like i mentioned before, it's either i consistently put in the requisite hours in the gym over a multiple-month to -year period, or grow skin thick enough to stop caring how others perceive me. honestly speaking, the former has a higher chance of happening. problem is that my funds are running a little low at the moment. but when there's a will, there's a way, no? i'll make it work somehow.

-random thought of the day: Stop wasting time.-

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Dinner with the chemistry guys is always nice. while i see a couple of them pretty regularly, there are a few who i'm closer to, but haven't had many opportunities to meet due to work and other commitments. we did the usual guild house dinner thing, and i filled them in on these recent relationship developments. the advice was basically the same - why waste time on someone who apparently is not as interested in me as i am in them? i know they mean well, and i would trust most of them with most things that i own/have...simply because i know that they have my best interests at heart. i'm slowly starting to agree with them; i have to admit that it is tiring to constantly be the one initiating stuff.

here's an interesting dilemma i first came across while watching the thin blue line (a british police sitcom): "if you know something is wrong, but the method by which you know it is wrong is also wrong, is it right to right the wrong? or wrong to do right? because the real wrong is that it was not right to know the wrong, and so righting the wrong cannot be right". that's some expert writing there, and expert delivery of the line by the actress. i wonder how many takes she took to get it right. but yes. in the course of doing some more detective work, i have kind of realized that the person may not have been entirely truthful to me. that ties in to the above dilemma of whether to right a wrong when you first knew about the wrong through wrong means, because my detective work involved a potentially morally-ambiguous method, let's leave it at that. and it was through that method where i found out that this person may have been lying, or at least withholding some of the truth. times like these make me wish my instincts were a little less sharp/sensitive, which does happen when i'm blinded by emotion. but thank goodness that's only temporary. ultimately i know that it's better to face the harsh reality rather than to live in a fantasy and to be taken for a fool. the transition from fantasy back to reality does suck though.

and a few friends brought up another quite relevant point - this person's job requires fairly constant communication with people. so to kind of superimpose their level of communication with me onto what they'd have to do for their job is really inconsistent. i see that point as well. call me unempathetic or whatever, but i really have difficulty believing that this is the standard level of communicativeness. come to think of it, they were a little more chatty when we first started talking. not going to unfairly assume what the reason for the drop in word count on their part could be, but that's the observation.

well, the road ahead is becoming clearer...as it was clear that i was potentially on a very bad path, too. conclusions: this person is sociopathic and/or manipulative and/or just wants hookups and will tell people whatever they need to hear to achieve that goal. call it what you want, but it's not the behaviour of someone who's looking to get into a serious relationship (not my definition of one, anyway). so i guess all promises are null and void. it hurts a little, but thankfully the (metaphorical) knife has only been in for a week plus, tops. pulling it out will still be relatively easy. moving forward, i guess i will take a not-nice but very practical piece of advice that several people have given me, which is "eat first, talk later". if this person is even willing to meet up with me again, that is. now all i have to do is come to terms that this won't last. it probably never even took off in their eyes. should be able to get over it, given enough time.

-random thought of the day: Remember your priorities.-