Qingdao was a great success, despite some minor hiccups and the relatively short duration. scary JC friend and i were just saying how odd it was that we'd never travelled together in the past 20 years of knowing each other, but had already gone on 2 trips this year with another potential one in the works (more on that later). i suppose it's one of those things that happens in its own time, because to really enjoy travelling together, there has to be a certain level of mutual trust and comfortability/acceptance. even more so because her mum was there! i'm happy to say that we got along well, and i would definitely travel with her again if the chance arose. lets do a chronological-ish recap of the trip, starting from where the last post left off.

day 0 (packing + travelling to the airport + airport things)

got everything packed, and decided to call a grab instead of my original plan of taking public transport. the grab ride started off a bit negatively, with the driver saying, "i almost didn't want to come, the fare now so low". he then complained a bit more about the general private-hire job market, before dropping this gem - "recently my luck very bad, but later i want to go to the casino". when i asked him why, he replied that he wasn't earning enough, and wanted to win some money at the casino. that left me quite puzzled, as he didn't seem to be a professional gambler. also, the entrance fee/levy means that singaporeans are already $100 down even before placing their first bet, so it's even harder to come out on top. through a bit more conversation, i found out that he's been driving grab for almost 10 years, and felt stuck in life. worse, he doesn't have the confidence to pivot to something else due to his age (50) and lack of educational qualifications. i got a very defeatist vibe off him, plus he doesn't seem to be making wise life choices. while i could have probed deeper, asked him more about himself and tried to suggest other possible courses of action, i felt that it wasn't worth my effort in this case. so i just wished him luck at the casino as he dropped me off at the airport.

during the ride, i also realized that i'd forgotten to pack my water bottle. seems like i'm always forgetting one thing every overseas trip! at least this was minor, and i planned to buy a bottle of water or something at the airport. problem is, BCRS was also implemented on the airside part of the airport. for context, BCRS stands for "beverage container return scheme" (i think). it charges an additional 10 cents for canned or bottled drinks, and consumers get the 10 cents back when returning the bottle or can to designated return machines, supposedly to encourage recycling. there are similar programs in other countries (germany for one that i know), so it's not exactly revolutionary. the problem here is, the scheme is implemented so badly. i won't go into detail about examples outside the airport, but within the airport in particular, there are no return machines airside! so there's no way to return empty bottles or cans. i suppose one COULD carry the empty bottle for the duration of their trip, then come back and return it...but then what about the people who are just transiting or leaving singapore permanently? i sent feedback in, and got a generic reply that didn't say anything useful at all. i really think that some idiot government official just blindly rubber-stamped the proposal. for all the talk about how it was considered over a long time, the sudden exclusion of drinks bought at the F1 race from BCRS, as well as its poorly thought out implementation in the airport (reminder here that singapore prides itself on having a top-class airport, hence there is even less excuse for such a glaring lapse in planning), makes me doubt the government's competence and intentions. in the end, i consciously chose not to buy a bottle and just drank from the water coolers...which i suppose achieves the greater goal of eco-friendliness in the end, albeit with some inconvenience.

day 1 (photoshoot, brewery, atas dinner)

the flight itself was uneventful, and i made it through customs just fine. went to our accommodations by subway and a bit of walking. the weather was so good! literally air-con temperature, and i made sure to take extra-deep breaths of the haze-free air. i made it in time to put my stuff down before we were out to the first stop of the day - a photo studio where scary JC friend had booked a photoshoot. the entire process (makeup, wardrobe, photo-taking, image processing and selection) took about 4 hours, which was also how long i waited with her mum. thankfully, we're both not the super sociable type and were capable of self-entertaining, so we mainly kept to ourselves with occasional conversation here and there. i think i fell asleep for a bit too, which is not surprising considering my interrupted sleep on the red-eye flight over. anyway, i checked in as they finalized which photos to keep. the studio staff remarked, "是不是感觉到娶了明星啊?", which translates to "don't you feel like you married a star (celebrity)?". i didn't reply in time because it didn't register in my head! you know, us being the furthest thing from romantically involved. scary JC friend came to the rescue and told the staff that we were just friends. minor awkward moment, but we laughed it off. the base package which she opted for comes with 3 free pictures and costs SGD 60, with additional charges for more pictures (which is also where they try to get your money). she ended up choosing 14 more pictures, and the studio gave her 2 for free, for a total of 19 pictures and a total cost of 800 SGD(!!). guess i don't see the value in it, because my first thought was 'that's mad!'. but well, it's her money and it makes her happy.

we then headed down to the tsingtao beer brewery/museum, but there was a long queue due to it being a minor chinese festival (重阳节, which is like 敬老の日 in japan). while we didn't go in for the brewery tour, we had a small bite at an eatery across the street, consisting of a shared a plate of a kind of clam that is shorter and thicker than a typical razor clam, and cooked so it's still a bit raw inside; and sea urchin steamed with egg and a large steamed oyster with minced garlic just for me. the clams were amazing, everything else was underwhelming. we agreed that we'd been spoiled by japanese sea urchin. although the brewery tour was a no-go due to the crowd, we went into the gift shop and bought beer nuts. they had a gimmick where you paid RMB 39 for a ziploc plastic bag, and you could fill it with as many packets of nuts as possible with the condition that the bag had to be sealed when the staff inspected it at the end. we managed to get 31 packets in thanks to careful organization and packing, so that works out to a little more than RMB 1 (or SGD 20-ish cents) per packet. awesome deal! one of the iconic sights in that area is roadside stands with machines that look like a wall with a row of taps, and each tap dispenses a different beer. we walked by one, and the promoter told us we could have free samples. helped that he was cute, too! we tried several beers, including lychee (a bit artificial-tasting), grape (tasted almost like sparkling juice), strawberry (no strong impression), 原浆 (fresh beer, unfiltered, unpasteurized, no preservatives, short shelf life), and 黑啤, which is this dark beer that defies the stereotype of dark beers. it smelled like rye bread and chocolate to me, but was not bitter at all and very easy to drink. thank goodness i don't live in qingdao, otherwise my beer consumption would skyrocket! i think that it's the first and only dark beer that i like. we bought a bottle each of 原浆 and 黑啤 to take back, and i mildly regret not buying more. the promoter also asked us about life in singapore, and he seemed to be under the impression that people earned more here. we told him that while earnings were higher, costs were higher too. was half tempted to ask him to come live with me to experience it, but my brain won out in the end.

last engagement of the day was dinner with one of the old boy's chinese contacts. they treated us to dinner in a seafood restaurant, and overordered as is the chinese way of showing hospitality. there were at least 10-12 dishes, and the ones that i can still remember are the clams (same type as before), marinated raw oysters, 海肠饭 (google translates it as "spoon worm rice" - the chinese name sounds WAY better), fried cicadas (surprisingly mild-flavoured with nice texture), steamed prawns, raw sea urchin (unfortunately still lacking in flavour). and don't forget the beer. gosh, the chinese sure can drink! i was also kind of aware of my limited chinese language ability, as i had some difficulty following the conversation at some points. need to brush up! it was a very fulfilling meal, and it'll be our turn to host them when they come to singapore, probably next year.

as we were walking back after the dinner, scary JC friend and i had interesting conversation about the cute beer promoter and my recent gay bar adventures. she says it's nice that she can talk to me (a guy) about more M18 stuff, because there are only a small group of people who would be attracted to both of us, meaning that we're not "competition" for each other. i feel the same way! the topic about travelling together also came up, and there's a chance that she may be interested to go on the upcoming china trip with my guildmates too. that's pending confirmation by this week. i think it would be nice to have her along!

day 2 (laoshan, boat ride, regular dinner)

laoshan is the local "cultural" tourist spot, and it's also where the water used to brew the local beer comes from. my initial impression was that it was similar to bukit timah, and we'd see everything in maybe half a day or less. turns out the sightseeing route is 28km long, which is definitely more than half a day's worth. we opted for the short route and hired a guide to come with us. while i'm normally more of a self-explore kind of person, having the guide with us to give us background info, historical stories, and trivia points was nice. in case you weren't aware (like i wasn't), laoshan is a significant site for taoism. we paid our respects to the various deities there, and i mainly asked for good health, success at work, and happiness. figure that's not too unreasonable, right? the guide also told us that in taoism, coming back to offer thanks after your wish was granted is not necessary, which is different from buddhism. we also had a light lunch of the same clams again (fried a little more as per scary JC friend's mum's request) plus fresh mushrooms fried with pork. as with most of the food we had, it was very fresh ingredients cooked simply. i enjoyed it very much! we also had a tea-tasting session, accompanied by dried seafood. i bought a bunch of dried stuff...squid, scallops, and this fish that they call 薯条鱼 (french fry fish) because it was light and airy. i should have bought more of each item!

the contacts from yesterday's dinner also arranged for us to go on a boat ride, which was basically just a loop out to sea and back. it was nice to see the city skyline from the sea, and we even caught a light show that used the faces of the buildings near the seaside as screens. cool the first time, but i don't imagine it's fun for the residents/tenants if the show repeats every day. there was also a drone show, which seems to be becoming increasingly popular these days. all in all it was a good experience, but i don't think i'd have voluntarily paid to go out on a boat. dinner was a mix of takeout and order out. i got 牛肉烧饼, which was a bready flatbread stuffed with beef. the interesting thing is that they used chopped up tendon together with meat, giving it an element of gelatinous-ness which i really liked; as well as 全羊汤, which was mutton and organ soup. the shop staff asked if i wanted sheep's blood in the soup, to which i answered that i didn't know as i'd never had it. she gave me a few pieces to try, and they tasted slightly gamey. would not go for it again. scary JC friend ordered 麻辣小龙虾 (literally "mala little lobsters", though google suggests that they might be called crayfish instead), and taught me how to get the meat out. too fiddly, in my opinion. they went great with the beer that we'd bought the previous day, as the beer helped neutralize the chili heat! still feeling like we could go for more, we topped up with an order of 蒜香小龙虾 (garlic-flavoured little lobsters/crayfish), which i liked much better. then, it was a bit more conversation before an early night as we had to be at the airport at 6 am.

day 3 (back in singapore)

nothing really remarkable about the trip back, except we paid a visit to the airport lounge. a credit card which i've had for 7 years or more (definitely before JET) gives me 2 non-stackable lounge visits per year, and i've never used them before this trip. the lounge was...ok i guess. the food options weren't really exciting, but i grabbed a couple of bottles of water for the plane trip. the sofa-style seats were comfortable though; i fell asleep for a bit after eating. on the way to the gate, we passed by a shop selling 原浆 for something like 4 times the street price. debated buying some anyway, but the realization that our flight was on last call made us scrap that plan. i came back, settled down, and took a walk to the office to get my laptop so i could work from home today. no regrets.

overall thoughts

china seems like it's worth visiting more. i found that while there was the occasional loud person, most people were polite and friendly. as i mentioned back in 2019 when i went to yunnan for my friend's wedding, 2 things about china are disconcerting for me. first, camera flashes at traffic lights. not really because i'm afraid to have my photo taken and the whole "big brother is watching you" thing (though that does play a part), but because it's so startling that i'm not sure how i'd react if i were driving. suppose i'd get used to it eventually, but i don't know. second, the presence of propaganda. like, they're not even trying to be subtle about it. it gives cult of personality vibes, which i suppose is a feature of a communist system. don't like it, though. all that aside, the relatively cheap prices and amazing convenience with the wechat and/or alipay apps (bonus: their QR codes can be scanned by our local OCBC app too) make it a place worth considering for a holiday. i'm now even more excited for the upcoming trip with the guildmates, and even more so if scary JC friend decides she can come along!

back at work today, and i sent 2 cases out. taking it a little bit slow since it seems i'm way ahead. this week's goal is to clear the last 2 cases from the previous batch of files...i feel like they've been stuck with me for too long. i have an appointment with dentist friend tomorrow, just for a cleaning and general check. also have a discord call about the guild chalet at night. nothing on friday, i don't think? might consider a gay bar visit. hybrid tuition on saturday again, and another discord call on sunday to discuss hotel bookings. even more excited for the next trip now!

-random thought of the day: Messing around with AI a bit more.-

Birthday post! will i revive the tradition starting from this year? i'll only find out next year, depending on whether or not i write one. at least i've given myself a start this year, so it's up to future me.

this past week has been quite eventful. everything i mentioned happened (and more!), but there were some timing rearrangements. long story short is i got everything done. 10 sentences or less recap for each major point:

aunt's place

met my aunt, uncle, nieces, nephew, cousin, and cousin-in-law. had nice conversation with each of them. the kids are growing up so fast; my youngest niece is speaking so much more clearly now. my uncle is into watching AI-generated shows on youtube, i don't get the appeal. dinner and cake (because of birthday celebrations) were both great. confirmed, i'm perfectly happy without kids.

meeting my cousin

arranged to meet up for drinks and to catch up; i realize we don't meet up nearly as frequently as before. he's using AI really creatively, to help him in his work and to analyze our family dysfunctions. the results were surprisingly insightful! we're still working through our different traumas in different ways - him with a therapist and AI, me with blogging and reflection. i might want to see a professional sometime down the line. he also just quit his job to start his own business...i could never do that. i think studying in australia really unlocked something good in him. mentioned about potentially investing in the business, but seems like i'll need $100 000 minimum. something to keep in mind.

weird dream

dreamt that i'd mistaken all my maths periods for break periods in JC, and as a result, not attended a single maths class in 2 years. for all the maths i learnt during that time that i still remember now, that might as well have been true! makes me wonder how deep my JC maths trauma actually goes. i mean, it doesn't affect my day-to-day life - like i don't break down when i see an integration sign or anything like that. but it obviously means something, that i'm still having bad memories of something that happened more than half a lifetime ago!

gay bar visit

gym guy invited me down yesterday, to meet doctor guy and his partner (IT guy). doctor guy got me a souvenir from taiwan! so nice of him. IT guy is pleasant too, and i'm looking forward to meeting him again. i had a better time with them than i did with someone else who was also there and who was more physically attractive/my type, but less so in terms of character and personality. well, nothing of value was lost. also made the acquaintance of someone who was there for the first time, and he seems nice too. not to mention cute bartender was not scheduled to work, but went down anyway! i'm happy/grateful that i seem to keep meeting him there.

tuition

one of the kids is on home rest due to a knee operation, meaning that i had to run a hybrid class this week and for the next 3 weeks. mildly annoying, but got it done somehow. i realize that i should familiarize myself more with zoom and how to write on PDF. decided to give myself a birthday treat (also for reasons which i'll explain below) and grabhitch home. thankfully someone accepted my booking! took 25 minutes, instead of the usual 65. is a 60% reduction in travel time (plus added comfort, not needing to hear morons press the bell more than once, and getting dropped off right under my block) worth paying about 800% of the bus fare for? not always. but it was today.

and the reason it was worth it today is because i'm due to leave home for the airport around 9pm, AND I HAVEN'T PACKED YET! well, at least it's a short trip, so i'll only need my small suitcase and maybe another bag as a personal carry-on. need to pack umbrellas and a spare jacket for scary JC friend's mum. don't think i'll need anything else? i figure as long as i have my passport and can board the plane with no issue, anything else that i forgot or didn't think to bring can be bought over there. but still, i should start packing before it gets too late. knowing myself, i'll probably need to spend extra time looking for random things whose whereabouts i've forgotten. well, better get started, then!

-random thought of the day: Escaping the haze!-

Midway through using the toilet earlier, i had a kind of premonition/feeling that something would happen to my towel rack, located directly to the left from my position at the time. that thought had barely finished forming when one of the suction cups came loose and one end of the towel rack fell. thinking back on it, i'm actually not sure which happened first - the thought, or the towel rack actually falling. but whatever the case was, i was able to shoot my left hand out and catch it before it fell to the floor. makes me wonder if a parallel universe version of me did the same thing before...or after? who knows, with whatever spacetime things.

recent happenings have made me realize that my thinking and attitude towards relationships have changed. background info: i started talking to this singaporean guy who's currently living in australia. he's quite keen on getting into a long-term relationship, and he seems to have decided i could be the one after about a day's conversation. previous versions of me would probably be jumping at the opportunity, but present me is a bit more...realistic, i guess. it is a bit refreshing though, to be the one being chased instead of the one doing the chasing. i'm not sure how it'll go, for a multitude of reasons, but i will at least meet him once when he's back. he's also indicated that he wants to be monogamous with his future partner, and i'm not sure how i feel about that now. well...no use worrying too much, i think the best thing to do is to just let things happen.

got a few engagements this coming week. first is going to my aunt's place tomorrow to pick up some letters. dinner with the guildmates on tuesday (don't forget this time!). gym guy might be coming over on wednesday. nothing special on thursday; might go visit the judo elder if he hasn't been discharged by then. there's a unit meeting on friday where management is supposed to unveil measures to improve employee satisfaction. the spoiler i've heard is that nothing's changing. need to pack my smaller suitcase for qingdao after tuition or preferably on friday night, as i'll be going to the airport on saturday night and flying off in the early morning on sunday. must admit that it still feels a little wasteful in a sense, as it seems like i'm spending a disproportionately large sum on money on a short trip. should remind myself that i can afford it, and it's ok to use the fine china once in a while!

-random thought of the day: Finish vacuuming!-

Haze got worse this week. there's a general silent hill-y vibe in the air, and people have been increasingly posting about the terrible air quality. apparently, the air qualities of singapore and malaysia are the worst in the world right now, beating out places like india and china. what's worse is that the government has been dead silent about this issue, i suspect in view of the F1 race that's scheduled for this weekend. the party name should be backronymed to "profits above people".

my day off on wednesday went really well! things didn't go exactly according to plan, but i still got everything done anyway. first was TCM treatment, where the physician did some massage and cupping therapy. she said i might have torn or strained a tendon/ligament in my shoulder. but even if it's a tear, it's minor as i can still move my arm and exert force...not to the level of my right arm, of course. the entire thing (consultation, massage, cupping) lasted an hour-plus and cost $115, which i put in an insurance claim for. it's still pending, i should know the outcome by next week.

then, went to harbourfront to get my flu vaccine. the clinic was crowded, with an estimated 90 minute wait time. not having the time to wait, i asked about the queue at ARC, which was the next-nearest venue. they guessed it would be about the same or longer, but i decided to try my luck anyway. glad i did, because there were less than 10 people in line! even better, they called my queue number next - i guess to get my easy case out of the way fast. best part, it was company-sponsored, so i didn't pay a cent.

lunch with friends (scary JC friend, mentor figure, plus 2 other old boys) was nice. we had fish and chips at mentor figure's regular place at holland village. good food plus excellent company, what's not to like? round 2 (dessert and drinks) was at the holland v food centre. i hear the laksa there is to die for, but didn't get to try it as they literally sold their last bowl for the day right before i approached them! sorely tempted to make a detour there after tuition, but we'll see how i'm feeling tomorrow.

my original plan after that was to go to a montblanc boutique (either takashimaya or MBS) to buy a pen refill for the teacher who still goes to the saturday gatherings, but the other old boys said that getting it off pinduoduo would be much cheaper. the boutique sells a pack of 2 for $33, whereas a knockoff goes for about 70 cents per refill. so the plan is to get it online, although it will mean waiting for a few weeks. in spite of that, i still ended going to takashimaya with scary JC friend for a makeup/cosmetics sale. seriously, the price women (and probably some men) pay to look pretty! she bought 3 or 4 small bottles of goodness knows what...i think one was a mascara? anyway, the total price was over $100. thankfully the level of care i have for my appearance isn't enough to make me spend that much. we also dropped by her old workplace (perfume shop), where i was able to resist the temptation of buying 2 small bottles of perfume that she passed me samples of last week. figure i'll do it later this year, as a promotion reward for myself or something. should also remember that they sell out quickly during the holiday season.

at the perfume shop, scary JC friend made conversation with the staff on duty there. i'll never understand how she's able to engage random strangers so effortlessly. anyway, it seems like young people these days (gosh, that makes me sound old) are also unsure of where they fit into the world. the staff was telling us about her internship as a recruiter, which she hated. well...she's only 20, and still has plenty of time to figure things out.

we weren't feeling hungry enough for a full meal, so we went and did a free sample tour of the stalls in the takashimaya basement. ended up buying mikan (orange the fruit) jelly, and i also got one in drink packet form for the judo elder. we parted ways after that, and i went to the hospital. the judo elder was in good spirits, his surgery went well and he should be discharged in a week or two. we talked for about 2 hours, partly reminiscing about the old days (man, i really am old, huh?) and partly making plans to catch up for a good meal after his discharge. he's been in the hospital for what - almost a month now? definitely way overdue for a meal that isn't hospital food.

so that was my wednesday. some small hiccups, but mission accomplished by far and large. the next 2 days were boring by comparison...just doing cases in office. managed to get my mentor's guidance on a couple of cases that i'm working on, so that's good. seems like i still need to get a better sense of how to assess cases where the other party has had a chance to explain their perspective. it'll come with time and exposure, i suppose.

had lunch with gym guy today, and told him about the japan thing. he seems happy for me, which is good! he also gave me some tips to navigate potential office politics (eg. jealousy), but i'm hoping i won't need them. i think he's quite fun to be around...something i think i want to look for in a potential partner. crochet guy ended up not feeling like coming over, so we had dinner at paya lebar instead. he said his performance review is next week, and if he didn't have any pending cases to show, he'd probably be out of the company. don't know why, but my batman sense has been humming in the background during our past few meetings. i guess for good reason, because he tried to subtly shift the topic to me signing up for a policy. age/life experience really gives you the courage to just speak your mind. i told him straight up, "if your intention is to get me to sign a policy before your appraisal, i can tell you that's not going to happen". i'm noticing that he's been bringing this topic up during our last 3 meetings at least. as a result, the association between "meeting crochet guy" and "being asked to buy insurance" is forming...which gives me a disincentive to meet him. from his end, i don't know if the constant rejection will make him resentful of me. really makes me wonder how good insurance agents get their clients. maybe they have the same success rate, but just cover more ground. like 5% of 100 is 5, and 5% of 500 is 25. well...i honestly think a change in job might not be the worst thing for crochet guy. but as he said, let's see how things go.

oh, about the japan thing. i am more or less confirmed to be going for it, because the coordinator emailed to check my availability! unfortunately, it's scheduled for february, which means it's going to be a bit colder. but it's nothing i haven't lived through! i'm quite eager for things to move along, though logically i know i can't rush the process. guess it's the same idea - do what i can in this time. things i can do include deciding what clothes to bring, getting (ideally bilingual) namecards printed, finding my singapore flag pins to bring over as souvenirs, finding out if it's possible to extend my stay (and if it is, decide whether to visit my town). exciting!

-random thought of the day: Taking it slow for a change.-

Tiny bit annoyed today because things didn't go according to plan, plus i found out i made a minor error in finances.

so my plan was to get TCM done today. problem is, out of the 3 clinics that are within a short walk from my place, 1 was missing (or maybe i didn't look hard enough), 1 only opens for half-day on tuesdays, and the last one takes tuesdays off. really, something something proposes and disposes. but it wasn't all bad, i caught the reception staff as they were closing, and managed to make an appointment for 9am tomorrow.

with that development, tomorrow's schedule should be:

9:00-10:00 latest (hopefully) - TCM

10:00-11:20 latest - travel down to harbourfront

11:20-11:45 - flu vaccination

11:45-12:20 - travel down to holland village

12:30-3:00 latest? - lunch

3:00-4:00 - travel to MBS, get pen refill

4:00-4:30 - travel to hospital

4:30-6:00(?) - visit with judo elder

not sure what i'll do at night, but this should cover all the important events. considering that i'll get most of the important stuff out of the way by the time my leave is over, i'm not too upset at not getting TCM done today.

the next thing, however, really annoys me. so as you know, i'm due to fly a fair bit over the next few months. and that necessitates buying plane tickets. so i happily charged the purchase to my UOB card, with the thought that i would be getting a ton of bonus points. when only the base points were credited, i went to do a bit more digging, and realized that air travel isn't counted as a bonus category for online spend charged to that card! so whatever bonus points i could have got for both my china trips just went 'poof'. i should have used the DBS card! not the end of the world, and it'll teach me to read the fine print more closely. can't help but feel irritated, though.

so, based on what i'm reading, it seems that i need to streamline my spending strategy. for anything ordered online: DBS card. shopping in-person: OCBC card or UOB card if the final sum is a multiple of 5, with a condition that i need to hit $500 on the OCBC card for bonus interest, and an additional $300 ($800 in total) to qualify for cashback. i should also cancel some cards after i redeem the points there. something for me to think about in the near future.

ending the post on a better note, transformation kink guy dropped by for activities. he's teaching me that i value connection over physical attributes. don't get me wrong, he's a nice guy. but we're kind of at different places in life, plus we're not super compatible in the bedroom. i mean, our interests overlap enough so that we both enjoy it, but i've had better. probably not a good idea to compare in that sense, but you know what i mean. well...not being fixated on physical appearance has been a lesson i need to learn many times over. and although i think i'm more or less past it by now, having occasional reminders is good.

well...that's it for now. nothing really new since yesterday, but i just wanted to get those minor annoyances out of my head, which will help me enjoy tomorrow's lunch to the fullest!

-random thought of the day: The char kway teow at the newly-opened shop downstairs is not bad.-

Walked out of the office at 5:30pm today, which is the earliest i've left in a while...a few months, at least. i should be clear that this is not an expression of resentment at having to do tons of overtime or whatnot. i usually go home later voluntarily because i arrive later as well. and i'm definitely not drowning in work; a more fitting description is that i'm comfortably swimming through the work with my head well above the so-called water level. on the way back, i noticed that the sun was looking a little dimmer due to the haze. probably wasn't a good idea to forego the mask today!

applied for 3 days of leave over the next 2 weeks, 2 for the qingdao trip with scary JC friend, 1 for lunch with mentor figure and a few other friends this coming wednesday. considering i usually work from home on wednesdays, i was planning to just go and be back in time to continue working. but then i realized that i could get other errands done if i had the whole day off, such as getting my flu vaccination, seeing a TCM therapist, and visiting a judo elder in hospital. also, it makes me feel less guilty about dipping out! not like i'm short on leave, anyway - i haven't even touched my annual leave this year. so yes, this is one of those times where i have nothing to gain and everything to lose by not doing the right thing.

yesterday, gym guy asked me out for dinner with 2 of his friends, then a trip to the gay bar. one friend is singaporean, the other is taiwanese who's here to ride the train, of all things. the two of them were originally supposed to go see model trains after dinner, but decided to come with us to the gay bar instead. considering i was feeling a little tired and planned to rest/rot at home, i had a better time than i thought i would! cute bartender was there, so i also took the chance to wish him a happy (albeit belated) birthday. he still does my heart so much good. i'm realizing gym guy does too. and to be clear, i'm not falling for him. i think it's like, he's filling a role in my gay social circle. for me at least, one-on-one friendships with gay guys is infinitely better than trying to fit into a gay group, with all the associated politics and drama.

figure i better do some optimization to see how i can fit events into my day off (and other days as well). the current idea is:

tuesday (tomorrow, working from home)

- see nearby TCM therapist during lunch break

- maybe do a quick grocery run

- transformation kink guy coming over in the evening (haven't heard that name in a while, right?)

wednesday (day off)

- flu vaccination at harbourfront in the morning

- lunch with mentor figure and friends at holland village

- maybe stop by MBS to get a pen refill (not for myself)

- go to outram community hospital to visit the judo elder (or do hospital before pen refill)

thursday (in office day)

- submit 1 or 2 cases

- email HR for masters sponsorship

- gym (depending on how TCM goes)

friday (in office day)

- bug my boss for more cases if he hasn't assigned me any yet by then

- maybe submit another case?

- crochet guy maybe coming over at night

seems like a fairly normal week. even though i've hit the promotion target, i can't say that the pressure is completely off yet. but i can say that this quarter is probably going to be easier, because i need 5 points or less per month. but i'll still try to keep a comfortable pace. next year's target is going to be horrible, and i need to get myself ready for it.

-random thought of the day: Really looking forward to a break!-

Possibly because of the lack of sleep last night or the mild panic/big rush this morning, i'm currently feeling a little unequilibrated. disequilibrated? one of them, at any rate. so let me tell you about my ideal plan, and how the actual situation played out. for context, i planned to make sio bak for the alumni gathering this morning.

ideal plan: have the guy over on friday night, go to sleep early. wake up at 5:30am to preheat the oven, then put the meat in. have...activities with the guy while the meat cooks over the next hour and a bit. finish broiling the skin, let the meat cool while we both get showered, slice the meat, and be out of the door by 8:20am.

actual situation: had the guy over on friday night, went to sleep early. woke up at 6:45am because i set the alarm time but didn't turn the alarm on. jumped out of bed (the guy somehow slept on), preheated the oven, and put the meat in. had...abridged activities with the guy while the meat cooked for an hour and a bit. we both showered, then i finished broiling the skin, getting sweaty again due to the heat from the oven and the meat. sliced the meat while it was hot (i know it's not recommended but i was really short on time), and was out of the house by 8:20am.

not a bad recovery, if i do say so myself! thankfully an old boy lives near me and was willing to detour to pick me up. the not-so-good thing was i had to transport the meat there in a sealed container so as not to let the smell escape and linger in the car. and as a result of that, the water vapour released by the still-hot meat made the skin not crispy any more by the time we reached the venue. but all things considered, it was a decent success! mostly good reviews, although the lack of crispy skin was mentioned. wouldn't have been an issue if i'd woken up earlier and gave the meat time to cool! well...that's something for next time. i'm increasingly starting to believe that scoring, poking holes, or otherwise perforating the skin is important. did i mention that the skin is actually tougher than i thought? no wonder i see some butchers using craft knives to do it!

i've got a whole reflection on love vs. intimacy and what insights into my own psyche my encounters so far have given me, but that's deep/lengthy enough to be a post on its own, i think. for now, i'll just say that the big lesson for me is that maybe there is no "the one" for everyone. to be clear, i don't mean it in the sense like i'm going to grow old and die alone or whatever. i mean it more like...everyone has a threshold for what they'd accept in a partner. and it won't be just one person who fits the criteria. for me in particular, i realized that each guy i've done stuff with has at least one thing that i'm really attracted to. even then, i wouldn't necessarily want them as partners. something to expand on another day, i guess.

back to today, tuition. 4/5 kids have finished their exams, and the last one will finish this coming week. could be for the reasons mentioned in the first paragraph, but i felt my fuse burning up faster in class. didn't yell or do anything that would result in an ugly scene, but the urge was there. i'm currently having 2 issues, the more serious one being the 2 new guys are not paying attention, the less serious one being the remaining guy is clueless. we are 10 months into the year, and the fact that both aqueous solutions and gases use the same units for volume seemed to be a huge revelation to him. i'm grateful that the others don't have this issue, otherwise i'd seriously question my teaching ability. anyway, there are only 10 more weeks to the end of this year, where there will be a 2-week break before launching into 2027. my goal is to end this year well, and to have a good next year too.

speaking of how i want to end this year, my lead invited me for a chat this past week. it's something he does once every quarter or so, and i think it's just to touch base and see how i'm doing. he updated me on the masters sponsorship situation, which has now been restricted to the june intake, and is more popular than anticipated. i think he was managing my expectations that i may not get it this round. not the worst news in the world, and waiting half a year till january 2028 (assuming that's the next sponsored intake) is something that i can live with. might actually be better, considering i won't have to worry about tuition then. but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. right now, the plan is to apply for next july's intake anyway, and see if i get it.

next update was on the japan thing. i understand that my lead has put my name up, and it's more or less in the bag. also it seems that a different senior from the one i was originally told will be going instead. seeing as how this senior is mentoring my batchmate and not me, i don't have a relationship with her beyond small talk in the lift or when we bump into each other in the office, which is not at all often. good thing that we're all friendly (or at least cordial, as a baseline) with each other in the division!

third thing: promotion. i told him that i'd hit the required numbers already, and i guess it'll be set into motion once september's points are consolidated. also communicated my concern about quality, and mistakes made. he said that it's normal at this point in my progress, so i'll just take that and run. interestingly, he seems to think that i've been in this job for longer than i actually have! like, he thought i had already cleared 2 years of service, when the reality is that i'm about 3 months shy of that milestone. so there is a possibility that i'm performing at a level that suggests that i've been here longer...or he's just got too many things on his plate and cramming small, not-really relevant details like each individual member's length of service into his brain is not an efficient use of brain space.

another interesting encounter i had was with the chief executive. it was completely unplanned; i was heading down for lunch on thursday, and he was the only other occupant in the lift that came. as luck would have it, the lift made no other stops from my floor to the ground floor, so we had about 30 seconds of small talk. mildly awkward, but survivable. he remembers that i speak japanese due to JET, and asked me if i'd kept up with practising. i have not, and told him as much. but somehow, i think that after 3.5 years of constant daily use, it's somehow ingrained itself into my brain. granted that there will be rust from disuse, but i think the forgetting will be more in terms of vocabulary words or kanji readings instead of grammar patterns. by the way, he spent over 10 years in japan, so he's definitely fluent as well. it occurred to me that the "japan guy" reputation seems to be taking root! scary JC friend mentioned before that one way to build a personal brand is to lean strongly into an angle. this might be an angle worth exploring for me!

remember what i said about becoming stir-crazy from sticking to the routine? well, scary JC friend invited me to go to qingdao in a couple of weeks, and i accepted. we'll be travelling with her mother, whom i've met, and who is scarier than her. thankfully, i seem to be in her good books, or at least not in her bad books. it's been a while since i last saw her though...maybe 2 years or more? i should also thank her for helping me to accept delivery of the socket modules for my power strip. it's set to be a 4-day-3-night trip, but i'm flying over a day later due to tuition. there's no itinerary; the plan is literally "walk and eat". i think it'll be fun.

what's not so fun is that i've noticeably gained weight. like, my jeans feel tighter. the feeling SUCKS - both physically, and in terms of self-confidence. i know what i should/need to do, it's the doing it that sucks. but if i don't do something, nothing improves, and i'll hate myself even more in the future. it's weird that i think i'm capable of waiting for delayed gratification, but i'm failing at it when the reward is more abstract. i was going to say "intangible", but i realized losing inches off the waist and having clothes fit better is quite tangible! or maybe it's a timescale thing. like, i can do it for a week or a month, but 3 or 6 months is a different story. actually you know what? it's not delayed gratification at all. delayed gratification means passing up on short-term rewards for a greater reward in the long run, so your baseline state is neutral. this healthy living thing (including working out) is actively suffering for a reward in the future, so the present state is negative, or worse than baseline. might need to reframe my thought process and attitude to this.

-random thought of the day: Deadlifted and squatted 100kg!-

6 hours or so of rain caused temperature lows today, which meant that it was perfectly conducive for doing nothing. would i trade 6 hours of rain a day for cooler temperatures? probably, if i could decide the raining hours and rain intensity. while i spent almost the whole day in bed, i managed to muster enough energy to clean the filter of the air-con unit in my room, and go get some groceries. the filter was dustier than i'd thought it would be. the app recommends 720 hours of use between cleanings. i use the air-con from 11pm to 7am the next morning (8 hours a night), so it seems that i should clean it every 90 days, or 3-ish months. i'm mildly ashamed to admit that this is the first time ever i've cleaned the filter...6 months too late! it does seem that dust accumulation on the filters is proportional to how heavily the individual air-con unit is used. i checked the living room unit's filter (i turn it on for an hour a week just to let the system run, and whenever i have guests, which is not often), and there was barely anything there! i expect the common room unit's filter to be in a similar condition, so i decided to put off checking it.

might as well do the quarterly check-in now. since it's not over yet, i'll write in present tense. Q3 is good in general, but there were problems carried over from previous quarters. i think the best aspect is work, in that i met the promotion KPI target in spite of the change of file management system, and even got my lead's approval to request sponsorship for the masters course. i will say that i'm still not very confident about the quality of my work, but that's another kind of translucent criteria as i've mentioned before. still, i'm reassured as i seem to be meeting my mentor's expectations most of the time.

sort of work-adjacent, but tuition is going ok. the kids are having their year-end exams this coming week, so the stressful period is almost over for them, as well as for me! this change of location is really a push factor away from continuing with tuition. to be fair, it isn't the only one. other push factors include giving up half of my saturday, and having kids who don't seem to be responding well to me. but well, i promised to follow these kids all the way to O-levels. if next year's schedule is similar to this year's, the last class for sec 4 chemistry should be in end-october. just a year and a month more to go!

on the social front, i maintained my interpersonal relations quite well, i think. having interactions with gym guy, crochet guy and the other guy both in and outside of the bedroom, plus making a new friend in the form of doctor guy. i'm supposed to be introduced to his partner soon too, which i'm quite looking forward to. not much progress with cute bartender, but i think that wasn't going to work out from the get-go anyway. well, at least we're still on friendly terms, and seeing him does my heart good. i think it was a good decision to reduce my gay bar visits (also partially due to COVID), as it helped me focus more on and deepen existing friendships. as mentioned in the last post, i've got some thoughts about romantic relationships and partners which are not quite yet ready to see the light of day. all in good time.

the biggest problem with Q3 is in the health/fitness realm. COVID plus a lack of motivation and a wonky left shoulder meant that i was away from the gym for quite a while. yes, i'm aware that it's an excuse. i'm still trying to figure out how i can be more active after work or on weekends. worse than the reduced activity, my intake seems to have increased as well. kind of makes me wonder if i should see a nutritionist/dietician or even a psychotherapist to figure out what else i can do, because willpower doesn't seem to be cutting it.

looking forward to Q4, it's basically more of the same. still need to hit an extended KPI target by december, just in case something goes wrong with this round of promotion. i don't foresee that being out of reach, as i need another maybe 12 points in 3 months, which is very doable. i'll want to go higher to secure a good performance grade, though. i figure that i shouldn't worry too much about the numbers, and just keep my current pace. big events in november include the guild chalet and china trip, which will be welcome breaks from work. the idea of going to qingdao is also being floated by a few people in the alumni group. would be nice if i could make it. i haven't even touched this year's annual leave allotment yet (been using the leave i carried over from last year), so i can definitely take time off. for health/fitness, i'll try OMAD, or "one meal a day". should reduce, or preferably stop snacking in the office too. i'll also set a gymming frequency of 2 times minimum per week with at least one improvement in some way, be it in terms of weights, sets, reps, or form. something to think about in the next quarter...do i continue this gym membership? i believe i have to inform them by 19 december if i don't want to continue the contract.

since i was in bed for most of today, i went to google people from my past. it was a mixed bag of results some had not updated their linkedin for years (career history stopped in the early 2020s), while some people are doing amazing things. one of the judo juniors from SJI was sent over to the US by his company, and another one in a different company appears to be in paris. 2 of my juniors from CJC judo got their phds (one in physics, the other in engineering), and are now in postdoc or industry positions. there's one other male junior from CJC i know by virtue of his twin sister being in judo. this guy is apparently a lieutenant colonel in the army, and he's only 35 years old! he's flying so high, he's practically in orbit. that's more or less the path to become chief of army, if not the entire defence force. i'm so happy that people i have good impressions of are generally doing well. interestingly, the people i don't really care for or who left a poor impression are either just surviving in what i'd call dead-end jobs, or can't be traced. not saying that i'm a good judge of character or anything, but the data seems to suggest it. could be coincidence, for all i know. i kind of want to reconnect with some of them, but i'm not exaggerating when i say it's been close to 10 years since we last met. wonder if they'll agree?

-random thought of the day: To a good Q4!-

Festive occasions are normally a time for auspicious thoughts. unfortunately, last night's mid-autumn dinner got us (or maybe just me) thinking about death for a little bit. see, there's normally a sponsored table for former teachers at alumni celebration dinners. up till now, the 10 seats of the sponsored table have always been filled quite easily. this dinner was the first time that only half the seats were filled. and it wasn't for lack of trying, either! some teachers who used to be regular attendees are now less mobile than before, while others have passed away. among the latter group is my science teacher for sec 1 and 2, who passed away a few months ago. it was quite a shock to see her obituary in the alumni facebook group, as she seemed to be still in good health (albeit a little more frail) the last time i saw her at the CNY dinner in february. mentor figure also mentioned that some teachers who were invited asked the old boys to provide transport for them, either in the form of driving them down or sponsoring taxi fare. quite entitled of them, if you ask me, especially considering that their share of the dinner is already paid for! so, he's decided to stop organizing a sponsored teachers' table for future dinners within our group. can't say i blame him, actually.

probably a coincidence or some form of confirmation bias, but i've been thinking about the concept of impermanence recently. like, nothing's going to be around forever. and even if something by that name survives through time, it would have undergone some change that makes it not the same as an earlier version of itself. real world examples: the evolution of languages, the fall of england's oldest bank during a relatively recent financial crisis, or how national borders changed after the fall of the USSR. fictional example: how the signs representing the 4 elements changed in the most recent season of avatar (master of all 4 elements, not tall blue aliens). i've only seen the trailer, but i'm excited to catch it when it premieres! but as i was saying, nothing lasts forever. there will come a time when nobody on earth will have had any interaction with you, or remember how you look like (unless you're famous, like say einstein or hitler). i guess that's why some people want to leave a legacy, be it good or bad. i'm sure there's a deep, philosophical conclusion somewhere, but it escapes me for now.

i took the bus with scary JC friend after the dinner (she was going to meet her boyfriend at aljunied, and i was heading home in the same direction), and we talked about several things during the ride. i was telling her about the recent happenings with crochet guy (i linked them up a while back), and she thinks he's not suited for a sales role. i have a similar opinion. we both agreed that his heart's in the right place, but he's approaching it from the wrong direction. like, his immediate concern is focused on meeting his sales targets, instead of what value he can provide to his clients. thing is, it's very easy to pick up on. worse, it looks like he's using the people he talks to as a means to an end, which makes people question his sincerity. paradoxically, using people as a means to an end is kind of what sales kind of is! just that good salespeople provide value for their clients at the same time.

i can kind of understand/empathize with crochet guy's difficulty from my experience in looking for tuition students just after NS. what i did was that i asked mentor figure (who i wasn't as close to at that time) for help to find potential students among the alumni network in the form of old boys' kids. looking back, it wasn't appropriate of me to ask, since one of they key rules is that the platform is not for personal gain. but he was gracious enough to send a broadcast email out. i think he saw me as a young person looking to take on some financial responsibility, and wanted to help me get a start.

another thing we talked about was AI-assisted fortune telling. she told me that she input the relevant details into chatgpt, and asked it for a 八字 (eight characters) reading. the principle behind 八字 is that a person's fate is affected (or maybe governed/decided) by their date and time of birth. specifically, i think the 8 characters are split into 2 for the year, 2 for the month, 2 for the day, and 2 for the hour of birth. each of the characters is then assigned to an element, and the relative proportions of each element determines the personality, strengths, and weaknesses. it's so important that a superstition says never to divulge your 八字 to anyone, because others can use it to control you. it does make me wonder though, if 2 people born at the exact same time will be similar in that way even after they're grown up. odds are no because of the nature vs. nurture thing, plus there are other complementary branches of chinese fortune telling like numerology, elemental study, etc. which help to balance out a person's elements using the number of strokes and element radicals in the name they are to be given. i tried it myself, and got some surprisingly relevant results. of course, i will acknowledge that it could be cold reading and me finding my own meaning in it. at the same time, it says that my theme for this and next years is putting my knowledge to practical use, and avoiding burnout. that's quite specific and directly relevant to my job! well, i guess we'll see how close the next few years are to the readings.

pleasant surprise today, in that gym guy messaged me as i was on the way home from tuition. he was in the area, and we arranged to meet up for...activities. he also wanted to go to audio house (near my place) to look at stuff for his flat, and i tagged along. was quite a good trip; some induction cookers and water heaters caught his eye. happy that he has some alternative options now! interacting with him makes me think about what i want in a relationship. while he's a great friend to have, i'm not sure if we'd be good as partners. different level of expectations, after all. it also got me thinking about what i actually want in a partner, while some ideas are floating around in my head, they're not quite well-formed enough to post yet. maybe as part of the year-end post. one thing i want to expand on is the thought that people tend to focus more on how much value a potential partner can add to their life, as opposed to how much value they can add to a potential partner's life.

sunday tomorrow! might use the free day to do my quarterly check-in, seeing as september is ending this coming wednesday. i don't think i have any more social engagements at least until the founder's day dinner next month (which just so happens to fall on my cousin's and several friends' birthday), where i believe mentor figure will form at least one table. that's in 2+ weeks, so i have a break where i should aim to eat less and move more. not sure how successful i'll be with that!

-random thought of the day: Looking forward to a break from tuition.-

Looking at my severely underutilized oven, i figured that a cooking experiment might help change things up a bit. that's the set-up for "i tried making sio bak (chinese? cantonese? roast pork) earlier today". this time was a trial run where i just did the cooking to get the technique/process right, no marinating or adding other flavours yet. it turned out good! the skin is crunchy (if a little thick), the meat is cooked through and tender. some points which i think would improve the next run:

- use fresh pork, not frozen

- score the skin or do the poke holes thing (might help get a lighter skin layer?)

- do the final step at full blast broiler (i was impatient and didn't let the broiler heat up fully)

- scrape/wipe ALL the salt off the skin before broiling (tasted some very salty bits)

thinking of doing it for next week's alumni gathering, which means i'll have to buy the pork on tuesday or wednesday so there is ample time for the meat to marinate and the skin to dry out. just needs a bit of planning. as for this test batch, i'd rate it a 6/10. looking forward to see how much better the next batch turns out!

crochet guy was very eager to come over again this week. one thing that kind of bugs me is that he phrases it as a statement rather than a question. like, "i can come over tonight" vs. "can i come over tonight?". the former would be fine if i'd extended an invitation...but i didn't! learning from the previous experience, i asked him exactly what he wanted to do. his reply was "decide on your insurance, then chat and see where it goes". not my idea of a good time, i don't think...especially late at night. he was also quite focused on getting me to sign a new policy, because he's apparently under assessment and has until the end of this month to hit a certain dollar amount in commissions. so, i decided that his time was better spent finding clients who would actually be likely to sign with him. in the end, i told him that i'd be happy to have him over as a friend, but i would not be getting a new policy at this point. since then, it's been radio silence. i can understand why; i'd be focusing on my job over meeting guys as well, if my job was on the line! so i'll just see when he gets back in touch.

i finally realized why crochet guy doesn't quite inspire confidence in me. unpolished-ness at explaining insurance stuff to me aside, he also makes jokes which i don't think he should be making. example: the last time he was over, the conversation led to me saying "i have nothing valuable for you to steal". to which he replied "your trust". i'm pretty sure that it's a joke. but i think it's like the price anchoring thing - you're affected even though you know it's happening! not to mention that there are some things people in the service industry should never say/do, and casting doubt on your own trustworthiness probably ranks right at the top. everything just comes together and makes me feel like he views me as a client first and everything else second. so...yes. i will let him prove himself through the accident policy first, then make decisions based on that.

bright spot yesterday: met up with some of the JET friends for dinner at bugis+, as some of them were back in singapore for a short trip. also got introduced to 2 people whom i've only ever interacted with in our discord server - one just ended her full 5 year term and is now working in the local japan embassy as the JET coordinator, while the other ended a few years back and is now working in hokkaido. i also met my fellow kochi JET again; the last time i saw him was in 2024 at his place in fukuoka for CNY. it was nice to talk to them again and reminisce a bit about the japan days, plus hear their opinions on the current situation in japan. at the risk of sounding elitist, i think JET is one of those things that must be experienced to have a point of reference. some people have mentioned talking about it with their non-JET partners/friends, but it's not the same as it is with a fellow JET. we also tried to get the local alumni association to sponsor our dinner (apparently it's a thing if an event has 7 or more current JETs or alumni as attendees), but it didn't work out because we were supposed to provide advance notice. if only we found out earlier!

office day tomorrow, plus i think i want to go to the gym. i'm noticeably gaining weight, and i don't like it. but more of that in the quarterly check-in...this weekend? on the 30th? well, by the 30th, anyway. the other big event this week is the alumni mid-autumn festival dinner on friday. quite looking forward to that! otherwise, it's just the usual routine.

-random thought of the day: Get a GIRO form from POSB.-

Unmatched expectations are a cause of negativity. that's a candidate for this year's theme, but there are maybe 1-2 more in the running right now. anyway, this came to mind because of crochet guy. like i mentioned in a previous post, he wanted to come over on thursday night. considering that it was that late, i naturally thought he wanted to catch up and do some M18 activities. turns out that he finished work around 10pm and was meeting someone else at 2am (whether for M18 stuff or not, i don't know), so i guess his intention was more to stop over and rest up for a few hours. this was not communicated to me until on the day itself, which left me feeling a little disgruntled. see, i'm happy if i can make my friends' lives easier. but having incomplete information really annoys me. and the fact that i was looking forward to M18 activities with him didn't help either...although i recognize that it was an assumption on my part. a logical one, but an assumption nonetheless.

as a contrary example, i had lunch with gym guy yesterday, and he mentioned that he was going to the gay bar that night. he asked me to go too, and i told him i'd consider it. ended up deciding to go (my first time in a month or more), and met a friend of his there. the friend is (you know the drill) partnered in an open relationship, and we hit it off quite well! he's a doctor, which is nice as he gave me an idea of what the issue with my shoulder was. said there was a line of tension running across both my shoulders. going in with no expectations and getting a nice surprise is so much more preferable than the former situation!

my leave for the china trip was approved! i've also started casually browsing flights, and should get tickets soon. it'll only be my second time in china, so still a little apprehensive. adding on to that, the departing airport for the return flight is still uncertain. but i figure i should have it sorted in the next month or so.

closer to the present, i'm due to meet scary JC friend tomorrow to get mooncakes. thinking of getting one for the cleaning auntie too, but need to find a place that sells halal mooncakes. there's the alumni mid-autumn dinner this friday. before that, i'm thinking of seeing the TCM massage specialist that another old boy recommended me...although now that i've read the place's google reviews, i'm not that sure any more. i guess the only way to find out is to go down myself!

-random thought of the day: Grocery delivery tomorrow.-

Saw some things on facebook that i want to blog about. content warning: suicide.

as facebook is prone to do nowadays, it showed me posts from people i don't know. the first one was a live stream of someone in america(?) having an end-of-life celebration. i went to read through her profile, and it seems that she's been living with cancer for a while? she looked to be older, too...60s at the minimum. i checked in a few days afterwards, and there was an update from her caregivers/loved ones saying that she had passed on peacefully. apparently, her heart only stopped after 18 hours from when she was administered the drugs. didn't realize it could take that long.

last night or 2 nights ago, i was shown a post that simply said, "good bye". i went to look at the person's profile, and saw videos of previous livestreams that he did earlier that night. not thinking much of it, i went to sleep. this morning, i woke up to a random post announcing the schedule for his funeral and cremation. seems like he jumped from height after the last livestream ended. reading the funeral announcement and scrolling further down through his facebook profile, i realized that (1) we were born in the same year, and (2) he claimed to be retired as early as 2017. he was also titled as "doctor" in the announcement...made me wonder what he studied? from the info i gathered, he appeared to be doing something finance-y. that, coupled with seemingly being born into a rich family, might explain why he was able to retire before 30.

the thing i found more intriguing is that he was a prominent figure in malaysia's cosplay scene. people were saying how generous he was, and how he was a valued member of the community. there were other accounts that his suicide was because of a woman, who he spent a whole bunch of money on. seems like it was "buy her a house" levels of spending, only for the relationship to turn sour and the girl to keep all the assets. i guess being rich doesn't ensure you have enough money. it's all relative...spend more than you make, and no amount will ever be enough.

one comment in particular caught my eye. a random netizen said something to the effect of "he had such a nice face, just slim down a bit and he'd have no shortage of women". it brings me back to the same question...should people in general aim to become better-looking to attract mates, or find someone who loves them as they are now? i oscillate between both points pretty frequently, and my current philosophy leans towards the latter option, with the addendum that it's not wrong to want to look good, but it should be done for the right purposes (health, mainly - both physical and mental).

anyway, those were just some things that i wanted to get off my mind.

-random thought of the day: Go for january intake of the masters course?-

Cranky after an involuntary afternoon/evening nap. the hot weather, plus going out to meet some guildmates for lunch, plus being sick due to the haze, combined together and just knocked me out after i reached home. still, it's more productive than my usual sunday routine of doing absolutely nothing.

let's talk about being sick first. i hate it. took the opportunity to test out one of the combination COVID and flu A/B test kits that i bought online, and the good news is that it appears i'm negative for all 3 viruses. what seems to have happened is that the haze particles are irritating my respiratory system, making me produce more phlegm and mucus. the annoying thing is that it accumulates when i'm lying down, so one side of my nose will be blocked when i try to sleep. worse, the mucus and phlegm tend to dry out while i'm asleep, and i wake up to this horrible feeling of congestion that only gets better after i cough up some viscous green blobs. the coughing also makes my throat sore, so that's another L. biggest L: being sick reduces my brain's processing speed and capacity, and i go through cases much slower (provided i have the motivation to look them at all!). thankfully, i seem to be on the mend and should be better in a few more days.

as mentioned up there, i had lunch with some guildmates earlier today. we ate at yishun's yappari steak. nice that i have a direct bus there, less nice that it takes about an hour one-way. still, i think that the long commute is worth it to meet these people. the steak was at its usual standard, i went for 200g instead of my default 300g order in an effort to cut down my intake. we also talked about china trip plans; seems like we should be looking at flight prices soon. reminder to self: i should also apply for leave. quite looking forward to the trip, more so than i thought i'd be! apart from the recent sickness, i think part of the restlessness that i'm currently feeling also comes from the stir-craziness of just sticking to the usual routine with very little variation. considering that my last big holiday was in march (i'm not counting june's bangkok trip), 2 longer overseas trips per year sounds about right to keep me balanced. and thankfully, being single affords me the flexibility to just take a week or so off and disappear. no idea how my married friends and relatives plan for their family holidays. the logistics (booking flights, accommodation, setting an itinerary that will please everyone) alone sound terrifying, let alone having to wrangle kids on the trip.

small point of interest, the bus that takes me to yishun also passes by the ex's place. it's actually the same bus that he takes to work, just in the opposite direction. while passing by today, i just felt nothing. ok, not exactly nothing. i did feel nostalgia for the 8-ish months i spent there and in the vicinity, memories of commuting to and from the office, stuff like that. i also thought that given the time at which i passed by, he should have been out for lunch with his dad. but i didn't feel any sadness or regret about the relationship ending, nor did i find myself having any desire to find out how he's doing or anything. in fact, i'd say i didn't feel anything negative at all. good job, me!

not much on the agenda next week, my goal is to get out the last 2 cases from the previous bunch of files, then start to work on more recently assigned cases. socially, crochet guy says he wants to come over, so that should be nice. need to get mooncakes next weekend, as gifts for my mentor and lead. tuition-wise, the kids are due to have final exams at the end of the month. i'm pretty sure my original 3 will do decently, not so confident about the new 2. but well...one thing i learnt from the JET experience is that we can't help every kid. or put another way, not every kid is worth helping. it's beyond my pay grade to chase them for work, constantly repeat basic concepts, and enforce discipline in class...especially when it's to the detriment of the majority. we'll see how things go with them.

-random thought of the day: Still coughing.-

Genius (read "dumbass") me did something amazing(ly stupid) today. i went to get groceries this afternoon, and that included some frozen stuff. upon reaching home, i dutifully put them in the freezer, but didn't realize that the freezer door didn't close properly. took me about 4 hours to discover it! thankfully, most of the stuff is vacuum-packed, which should mitigate the damage somewhat. the only things i'm worried about are the 2 packs of frozen oysters. i polished 1 off earlier, and it seemed ok. next one soon, i guess.

it's been a...sub-optimal past few days, with 2 bright spots. first was dinner with my chemistry friend on sunday. he updated me about some significant changes in his life, and i hope they work out for him. we ate at carnivore, as planned, and the food was good. i especially liked this beef stew thing they had, as well as the picanha (rump cap) steak which was served by the roving meat people. i'm proud to say that i didn't overeat! although i kind of wish i had the stomach capacity i did in my 20s. we then had more conversation over drinks, and i updated him on the whole relationship thing too. drinking tea (chagee) at 9+ at night was definitely not the right move though...i didn't sleep until about 3am.

that led to me feeling tired on monday, which was when bright spot #2 came in. had lunch and a drink with gym guy, and we agreed to go for a massage later that night. he brought me to his regular place at fu lu shou complex (my first time in there despite passing by more times than i can count). the therapist was not bad, although i don't have very many points of reference! i also opted to add on cupping therapy, and my back now has several red and purple circles. i find it quite interesting, that different areas will turn different colours. it's supposed to be linked to what's wrong with your body, but i don't have much knowledge in that regard. kind of want to do it more often.

other news: ministerial salary increment. i have strong opinions on that. but so as not to bore you, i'll just say that i don't think their shameless money grab is justified. their increment alone is more than what some people make in 10 years. the mental gymnastics they go through to reconcile "we need high pay to attract top talent" and "serving as a politician shouldn't be about the money". i wish i had the power to change something, but with the amount of power/ability i have now, the best i could possible do is change my country of residence. well...i'm just hoping that (best case) change to a different party in power happens while i'm still alive, or (2) the current ruling party only runs singapore down into the ground after i'm dead.

i've reached a kind of equilibrium as far as interpersonal relations go. recently, i saw one guy in his 20s(?) who resorted to making adult content when he was financially strapped during COVID. today, he seems to be doing well - having a watch collection, apparently making 6 or 7 figures, seeing clients (of what variety, i don't know). strangely, i don't feel envious. i guess it's because i don't have the looks/body or the courage to do what he did. can't blame people for using their natural gifts, right? like how i'm using my scientific brain for work. i might have taken a different path if i looked like him. fun to imagine alternative lives!

-random thought of the day: Scratchy throat and sinuses from the haze!-

KPI tracker came in today, although it only shows data until 1 september. if the numbers are accurate, i am very close to hitting my promotion target. considering that i also submitted some cases over the past 3 days, it's quite possible that i've already hit it! it's kind of a relief, to have a bit more certainty. even if i haven't hit it yet, i'll be submitting at least another 2 cases (if not 4) between now and month-end, so i'm not worried about missing the mark for points.

what i AM worried about though, is the other criteria for determining promotion - quality. it's not exactly opaque, but not clear, either. i think i'll call it translucent. like, we're told about the mistakes in our reports that we'll be marked down for, but we're not told how many mistakes we're "allowed", be it per report or over what duration. still, my lead assures me that as long as we're doing our best, it should be fine. i updated him about my plan to go for the masters, and he's supportive! the plan is for me to get a C+ performance grade this year.

the goal's been set, and new information has come to light. time for some planning! the latest news i have that's confirmed by management is that the earliest our promotions will kick in is from 1 january next year, meaning that we will finish this year with a lower KPI target (separate from promotion target). that's good, because it means it's easier to exceed and thus get a higher performance grade. meeting the annual target (100%) basically guarantees a C, but the cutoff for C+ or higher grades in general is another kind of translucent thing. that's because of the "graded on a curve" thing, where only the top x% gets it. so for example, you'll get a higher grade if everyone else barely makes 100% and you hit 110%. but if you get 110% and everyone else gets 120%, you're out of luck.

i forget the exact number, but i think there are about 50 people at my current rank. i'd ideally want to be in the top 5 (ie. top 10%) just for added security/confidence, but i think aiming for top 10 (ie. top 20%) should be safe. if i keep my current pace, my projected year-end number should be 150% of my base goal, which would be awesome. realistically, i don't think i'll hit that because of the november holiday. plus, things tend to slow down at year-end. the plan is to just maintain my current pace, and adjust as necessary over the next few months.

another thing i spoke to my lead about was the masters course. he's supportive, and if all goes well, i'll be able to start next july at the earliest. january would have been nice, but there's not enough time. i kind of want to do it ASAP, because my previous colleagues have said that taking the course while still young is the way to go. i don't know if i feel like my rate of knowledge absorption has gone down, but i do know that i definitely don't have the stamina (both physical and mental) to do another bachelors degree. at least the masters is like, 6 or 7 modules, which shouldn't be too bad. target is to finish it in 3 semesters (1.5 years), which should make the course load manageable, alongside my workload. step by step, aim for the C+ first!

-random thought of the day: Let's keep it up!-