An internet outage causes me to not know how to start this post. i'll explain - you see, i have this weird habit of not having two consecutive posts start with the same letter, and i try to give minimum 5 posts' interval before i re-use a letter to start a post. this weird habit is something that i don't think i've ever mentioned, so good job if you caught it. if you look back for perhaps the past 10 years' worth of posts, i doubt that you'll find more than 5 instances where two consecutive posts begin with the same letter. just some random trivia. let me just talk you through what i've been up to recently.

still haven't been very successful with gym plans. somehow, there's this inertia towards gym-going. like, it's really easy to find excuses for things that you don't want to do. "i don't feel well", "it'll be too crowded", "i'll feel uncomfortable in there", "i'll look so unglam/gross" if you can name it, i've probably thought of it. it's kind of a catch-22 situation. not going to the gym means that progress (if any) will be slow, and the slow progress (if any) will just be more demoralizing. i've got to break this cycle, perhaps starting with gymming at odd hours. i'll let you know how that pans out. food journalling is coming along well enough, it's good to have a written record to refer to. and the sense of guilt when writing down some less-than-ideal choices helps to maintain discipline when looking back on those entries. still can do way better, though.

maybe it's my chemist hands itching, or my desire for better digestive health. either way, i've restarted some fermentation projects. in addition to my previous kombucha (which survived about 3 months' neglect), i've also started keeping a water kefir culture, and am looking to start some lacto-fermented vegetables. i think that this also kind of helps with my eating, because what i realized recently is that the ease of access to food is the number one factor for me when the urge to eat strikes. if i have something unhealthy but microwaveable vs. nice but frozen healthy food (eg. piece of fish), odds are i'll choose the microwaveable thing because it can be prepared more quickly. so, i figured that having something healthy and ready in the fridge would do me some good. as far as healthy eating goes. i've tried raw vegetables, which are ok, but not that exciting. hopefully this fermenting thing pays off. one worry i have about it, especially the fermented drinks, is that there may be residual sugar present. sugar isn't that good for you, after all. i keep thinking that i taste sugar, though i'm not sure how much of that is my paranoid self knowing that there was sugar there at the start. like most things, i guess some monitoring over time is in order.

i'll just talk a bit more about the internet outage, and some interesting things that i noticed. to begin, it was because some construction company had cut the fibre optic cables that bring the internet to us end-users. the internet was out for about 4 hours for me, and on a saturday, too! not that the day of the week makes any difference to me, but it sure does to working people who experienced it. thankfully, mobile data was still available. so, i went to check the telcos' social media pages for updates. singtel, starhub, and m1 all reported having users affected by the outage, so i thought that it was quite a fair test to see how each telco responded. my personal rating in terms of best to worst response: singtel, starhub, m1. singtel was pretty prompt in updating its users, and even said that it would waive data charges for the day as service recovery. starhub provided prompt updates. m1's updates were slower than the other telcos by about 2 hours, and their social media team kept posting template replies which did not address the users' questions. in fact, there was a user who actually predicted the template that would be posted to another user's comment, and got it 90% correct. so yes...m1 has some way to go in terms of customer interaction. i don't know if it's entirely their fault, though. it seems like they're the smallest out of the big 3, so they may receive updates later?

whatever the case, i'm sure that m1 wasn't responsible for the outage. and i did feel a little bad that they had to bear the wrath of the public. which bring me to the next point...that in times of crisis, people just want a scapegoat. apparently, internet access is an essential in today's world. initially, i was angry at the telco too. but upon further thinking, i realized that i should be angry with the ones who caused the problem, ie. the construction company that cut the cable. i can understand peoples' frustrations, though, and their desire to vent at the nearest available thing that's remotely associated with their inconvenience. although i also do feel that m1 could have exercised better crisis management. personalized, constructive replies instead of template answers, and being more prompt with updates on the situation are the two main areas of improvement that i can identify for them. but back to my main point...it's a little scary how irrational people can be. like, there were people demanding discounts, compensation, you name it. personally, i think that the construction company should be fined, and the fine used to offset a day's charges from affected customers' bills. it seems that this is a relatively frequent occurrence, too. according to statistics published by netlink trust (the fibre operator), there have been 23 such cable cuts in the past 5 years. that translates to about one cut every 3 months. considering that there are good practice rules/guidelines in place, i think that's a little excessive. anyway, i just hope that this thing happens infrequently enough that people affected can be patient about it.

-random thought of the day: Slack weekend.-

Despite having a fair few things on my mind, i'll make this post as short as i can because i've got 3 classes (totalling 6 hours) later/tomorrow. the first class is at 9:00am, which means that i really should be in bed right now. but like what they say about stomachs, going to sleep on a full brain probably isn't that good for health. i'll just do summary points for each day of the week.

monday: got copies of my degrees and transcripts certified, grateful for the helpful photocopy lady. did grocery shopping, attempting to get back on the healthy eating bandwagon. decided to do it a little differently this time, with dedicated pescetarian days, as well as ovo-lacto-vegetarian days. will still have regular eating days, of course.

tuesday: dinner with big brother figure and other friends. explored don don donki (originally don qixote from japan) at city square mall. sent big brother figure and his art supplies home, had a nice long talk with him. contemplating downloading tinder and/or more LGBT-oriented dating apps. still don't understand why people say i'm good-looking.

wednesday: watched kurash training. will reserve my comments about that here. talked with the kids. again, will reserve comments. rediscovering sudoku. started a food journal, which helps to use a notebook, and gives me a better picture of what i ate on a given day. today's (saturday's) entry won't look good.

thursday: delivered some SEA games forms to SNOC. our point of contact was nice. photocopy shops are disappearing.

friday: didn't go out. didn't do much, actually. not ideal.

saturday: lunch with kurash friend. worked out solutions to issues discovered on wednesday. checked out the virgin active branch at paya lebar quarter. not impressed. went to my previous workplace, first time since the day i left. season parking is still active, but is likely to expire at the end of this month. had dinner with the guild members from final fantasy. everyone's nice in general. looking forward to the chalet in a few days' time. saw an old photo of the ex. it's been about 2 years since we broke up. still no desire to get back together. he was/is decently physically attractive, but that didn't make up for other things. at this point, i'm basically indifferent to him. no desire to know more about his situation at all. gay trivia: what do you call a person with a nice body but an average/below average face? a prawn, because you throw the head away and eat the body. i'm not even making this up; this slang is quite well-known and widely-used.

looking forward: long day of class tomorrow. thankfully it's mock test season. that means a ton of marking to do, though class time is relatively easier. thinking of trying water kefir, going to pick up some starter tomorrow from a nice donor. it's less of a hassle to brew than kombucha. my kombucha cultures are probably dead by now. need to start eating better and hitting the gym. should make use of whatever limited season parking that remains at my former workplace. reminder to revise statement of purpose and finish JET application form. still holding out for a miracle at the job opening my cousin recommended.

now, bedtime. may or may not elaborate on these points in the future.

-random thought of the day: The car's dusty again...-

Catching you all up on recent (or not-so-recent, by now) events, there was a birthday party, a diplomatic function, meeting my cousin, and stationery shopping. i went out to do some stationery shopping to improve my mood and as another reason to get out of the house. at the stationery shop, i tried out a couple of pens which i saw reviews of on the internet. the first one was a pretty standard model with what was described as a "silky finish". it did feel good in the hand, but there was nothing really exciting about it. the second pen was more exotic - made out of lava rock, palladium nib, innovative capping system. all those bells and whistles came with a $970 price tag, which is way way above my financial comfort zone, and would still be so even when i was working full-time. in the end, i got some notebooks (again!) and a pretty nice leather notebook cover. not the wisest of purchases, probably, but i figure i can still afford it. i also got a few more vacuum-filler pens, in the clear finish, instead of blue. reason is because i tend to match pen and ink colours, or at least have them reasonably close. like, black ink in a blue coloured pen is ok, but not say, red ink in a green coloured pen. maybe it's because i grew up with commercial ballpoint and gel pens, which are mostly colour-coded according to the colour of ink they contain. anyway, having a clear pen is useful, because there's no colour associated with clear. in fact, the ink kind of gives the pen its colour, if you think of it that way. i've got red ink and a medium nib fitted in a clear pen right now, and i've been enjoying the writing experience so far. just that i have to be careful of the paper that i use, because the medium nib puts down a lot more ink than my usual fine or extra-fine nibs. not too sure if i want to mess around with broad nibs at this point. good thing is that the nibs on these pens that i have are interchangeable, so i can just buy a loose nib for experimentation purposes. now, if only more places in singapore sold nibs...

a couple of weekends ago, i went to my big brother figure's birthday party, at mcdonalds. you can infer by my form of address that he's a few years older than me. and if you know my age, you'd probably be surprised that a grown man wants to celebrate his birthday at a place known for holding kid's parties. but well, it's how he wants to spend his birthday, so who am i to judge? he's actually one of a few people who i consider as a "cheerleader", someone who will stand by and support me no matter what. i mentioned plan japan to him, and while i don't think he's against me going, he did advise me to consider how that would affect my career, and my financial goals. he thinks that this kind of thing is more suitable for someone fresh out of undergrad, to gain some experience and live life a little at that younger age. i have previously thought long and hard over the points that he brought up, and consequently don't think i'll be changing my mind about my decision to at least apply. the party itself was very interesting. that was actually my first-ever mcdonalds party. yes, i know. no childhood. it was quite well-organized, with party games, food, and a birthday cake. not something i'd want for myself, but to each his own, right?

you'll know that i'm not really at a diplomat-level position, but due to our dealings with the uzbekistan embassy for kurash, my friend and i were invited to their celebration of uzbekistan's 28th independence day. we got to meet the ambassador, and briefly updated him on the kurash situation in singapore. he seems to be excited to work together with us to promote the sport! the event itself was nice. it reminded me of the parties that we were invited to in uzbekistan, albeit significantly toned down due to it being a diplomatic event. the food, too, was very similar to what i'd tasted in uzbekistan, though i'd say that the food in uzbekistan still tastes better, probably because it's more seasoned/spiced. we also did some socializing, and met with a few other interesting people, one of whom appears to be a leading figure in cybersecurity and AI development. what struck me the most about our conversation was that i could sense his passion for his area of specialization in the way that he talked. i was telling my friend that i hoped that i could one day talk about something the way that this guy talked to us about the future of computing.

unfortunately, the event involved getting dressed up, and that was quite...unpleasant for me. i typically don't like wearing a suit, but i normally tolerate it. that's not the bad bit. the bad bit was realizing that my clothes were beginning to feel tight. it's not a good thing under the best of circumstances. what made it worse was that i had had these clothes made to measure earlier in the year! it definitely doesn't feel good, especially given that i already have preexisting weight to lose. i'll have to admit that that's caused some additional self-loathing. it might not be all that bad, actually. while i have to disclaim that excessive self-loathing isn't healthy, it can be a good source of motivation when present/felt in an adequate amount. you see, people often stay within their comfort zones, unless/until something forces them to venture out. while that something can take many forms, i guess that it can generally be described as dissatisfaction with the current situation. ideally, it would be positive, like the desire to do/be better. often, it's negative, like not being able to accept the current status quo. i guess that means i should really start those gym plans.

preparations for plan japan have been progressing decently. reached out to get recommendation letters and some other documentation, and i've filled out the application form. the statement of purpose has seen its first draft, though i still need to do some pruning and trimming to meet the page limit. probably won't go for the english teaching courses, due to cost and another consideration upon which i'll elaborate below. based on current projections, things should come together around early october, well ahead of the mid-november deadline.

spent some time with my cousin and his family yesterday. it was nice talking to my cousin-in-law, as well as seeing my niece. she's growing up and developing well, perhaps slightly behind in motor skills, but her mental development is fairly advanced. like, she's begun saying tentative words, the most complicated being "flower" and "purple", though i don't know if she knows what they mean. she's also using handsigns to communicate ideas like "please" and "more", which i find to be really cool! she's also really good with sharing her food (she kept offering me pasta, edamame, and various vegetables from her dinner), and can walk with support. and to think she's only 15-ish months old!

while i was visiting, i also had a late real dinner with my cousin. we discussed a wide range of topics, including some of our childhood traumas, which i think he has to find a way to deal with. i'm not judging him, by the way, because i've got my own battles to fight regarding childhood trauma too. he did mention that the organization he works for is looking to fill a position, and he feels that i may be suitable for it given my long years in an academic environment. i didn't think of applying at first, partially because the job listing was not published on the usual job portals - it was just on the school website. after giving it some further thought, i think that there's no harm in sending my resume in. something about not keeping all of one's fragile possessions in a single receptacle. that doesn't mean that i will slacken in my JET application, though. one important lesson that i need occasional reminders of is that life isn't a zero-sum game. it is possible to focus on multiple things and give maximum effort in all of them, within reason, of course. besides, having more options is usually a good thing. there's no guarantee that i'll get accepted for any of the things that i've applied for, so increasing the number of things applied for reduces the odds of total failure. and based on what my cousin says, the job doesn't sound too difficult. so, let's see what happens.

forgot where i've heard it, but there's a saying that goes "a cluttered desk betrays a cluttered mind", or something of the sort. i realized that while i was feeling down, i'd neglected the cleanliness of most things around me. so, i did a few things that i'd been putting off - get a haircut, wash the car, and clean up my desk. it felt good, especially caring for the car. i don't remember the last time i sent it for a wash...come to think of it, it might have been more than a year ago. mild feelings of guilt. oh, i got the air-con looked at. thank goodness it was just a fried relay, which was relatively cheap to fix. more cleanup plans next week, plus gym. meanwhile, i've got a last-minute cover class tomorrow at JEM, not the usual united square location. i've become so used to having cover classes in united square that i left my stationery there. will have to adapt to the situation somehow.

-random thought of the day: Remember to shred certain documents.-

Kung fu movies and shows often have a very cliched character trope - of an easygoing, sometimes old and bumbling person who turns out to be a powerful/highly skilled master. normally, having watched this kind of shows growing up, i can see them coming a mile away. that's why it was rather jarring to discover a real-life example in my close social circle. of course, the kung fu thing is a metaphor, but the idea still applies.

this person is actually my mentor figure from the old boys' group. based on snippets of conversation on saturday mornings, i'd had an idea that he was really successful in his career and life in general, talking to him one-on-one on a deeper level today allowed me to better appreciate just how sharp he is. it was really disconcerting, because he appears so relaxed and carefree. of course, that's because he's been retired for over 10 years, and my interactions with him are by far and large in casual/informal settings. back when he was working though, he demanded excellence from both himself and his subordinates, to what i feel is a really scary extent. in contrast, his expectations of his staff made my stint at the IP firm seem like a walk in the park. somehow, he succeeded in doing what i couldn't - to make the negative experience less negative, and to get me to focus on the learning points instead. it's weird, because i knew the points, but just couldn't seem to internalize them properly. perhaps what i needed was to have someone i respect/trust tell me what i know that i need to do. it's weird, right?

another takeaway i got from the conversation is that i have to have more self-confidence, and to up my game in general. i realized how far below the maximum potential of a person of a similar calibre and circumstance i am currently performing at. there are many areas of improvement that i have to consciously work on, including the way i handle questions, the way i present myself, and the way i interact with people. i'm grateful that my mentor figures recognize my inexperience due to my current stage in life, and give me some concession. still, that's no reason to not push myself further. i think that what's missing for me is a reason for motivation, aka. something to light and sustain that inner fire. it's different for different people. to name two memorable reasons i know about, my mentor figure's reason was to win face for his mother, and my aunt has this interesting story about a cockroach at a bus stop. but whatever the reason a person chooses, i guess that the most important thing is that the person believes in that reason.

to add on to the sign-laden day that today has become, the JET applications opened up. i've already made initial steps to put my application package together, including obtaining relevant paperwork. the statement of purpose is still outstanding, though. have to start work on it soon-ish, like tomorrow. in addition, one of my colleagues from the learning lab (the guy to whom i handed over the class) gave me some useful advice regarding applying to the JET program. one thing he mentioned was that it might be useful to have some english teaching qualification, which i hadn't really considered acquiring. i'm still kind of on the fence, mainly due to cost issues. with the busted car air-con, i'm finding that i'm bleeding money again. well...there'll be ample opportunity to get the certification before the actual JET start date.

for the first time in a month, i feel hope. more importantly, i feel conviction. i'll have to keep it going, though, and part of that involves watching my tone. i've got the tendency to default to unsure and pessimistic language - which i'd previously thought was in line with my "cautiously optimistic" mindset - but may not be the best for me in the long term. from now on, i'll have to think in a more convictive (is that a word?) way. i'm looking forward to tomorrow.

-random thought of the day: Have to post a more regular update on events!-

Weird dream log #?? - i was with some cat high old boys and our teacher, and i had to send the teacher home. he wanted to drive my car for some reason, and ended up scraping it into a wall, where the driver's side mirror came off. i was furious. odd thing that it was a white toyota wish, not my actual black civic. then, i had a job interview for some high-powered finance position, introduced by one of my JC classmates, who's a real estate agent in real life. it was at a HDB-looking building, but with a very posh interior. for some reason, i was in workout clothes, and had to go somewhere to change. that somewhere turned out to be a virgin active branch. i got changed, and went in for the interview. think i aced it, but i'm not too sure.

just had to get that out of my mind. the next post is going to be significantly longer and heavier. there are some things which i'm overdue to face.

-random thought of the day: Have to start somewhere.-