Several events today have served to remind me of my age, first of which being the cat high homecoming. i went down for a very short while, since my goal was not to spend any money there. didn't see anyone i knew, though - even the teachers. secondary school seems like almost a lifetime away. well, in 2 years, it'd be half our lifetimes away, but you know what i mean. i do miss those days a little. maybe not sec 1 and sec 2 so much, since i was still in the "trying to fit in", aka "getting bullied" phase. but things got better in sec 3 and sec 4. perhaps i'm also subconsciously filtering out some of the bad stuff...you know, we tend to paint a rosier picture of things once we get past them and reminisce.

event #2 was visiting my cousin-in-law and newly-born baby niece in the hospital. both mother and daughter are doing really well! they offered to let me hold the baby, but i declined. just not mentally prepared yet. maybe tomorrow, when i go down again. in case you don't know, my cousin is only 4 days older than me. so the fact that HE'S NOW A FATHER hits a little closer to home than i'd like. they were talking about the labour process, where words like "contractions", "cervix dilation", "water breaking" and "epidural" were thrown about. i think it's my good karma that i won't put any woman through the whole process of pregnancy and childbirth, not to mention bringing up a child. after seeing so many people i know have kids, and hearing their stories, i'm pretty sure that i'm perfectly happy to just be the favourite uncle.

the last thing was a JC gathering that was organized by one of my schoolmates from that time. despite me being not at all close to the host, he remembered me (somewhat). i knew him because he was in the student council, and therefore he was somewhat prominent. i'm sure that we saw each other around school a bit too. might even have had the same econs lecture at one point; i think his home tutor taught my class econs too. in the close-to 5 hours i was there, i must have seen about 40 people come and go. recognized about 40% of them, including 2 of my (ex-)classmates, some people i know by name and face only, and my secondary school classmate-turned-JC schoolmate...the same one that introduced me to blogging. for some reason, despite last seeing some (most) of them at JC graduation or A-level results day, there wasn't as much awkwardness as i'd thought there'd be. i don't know how to explain it, but i didn't feel any pressure or judgement. like, totally zero. we were talking about how CJC had a friendly and welcoming atmosphere, and some of the plus-ones who didn't study with us didn't get it. i don't blame them. it's probably something that has to be experienced to be understood. and credit definitely goes to the host as well. he was warm, attentive, and hospitable. he does have a background in hospitality, so there's that. he was telling us about how he wasted 2 years working menial jobs in australia despite his law degree, while waiting for his PR that never came. quite an interesting story. i really hope that we stay in touch.

being around my old schoolmates actually made me think a bit. some of them are married (some with kids, even), some are engaged, some are partnered, and some are still single. for some reason, i didn't lament my lack of a partner while i was there, nor did i feel any negativity to the ex or the person (for whom i should come up with a codename soon to prevent confusion). maybe it's because i'm hanging out with a crowd that's more my age. i don't know. but today has been a reminder that there is so much more to life, and that i just have to look in the right places. above all, i should focus on getting myself ready for a lasting relationship, which will come when i'm ready. i realize that my self-image issues actually run quite deep, which is bad. hopefully getting a nicer body will go some way to alleviating that.

-random thought of the day: Nostalgia overload today.-

Now more than ever, i believe that everything happens for a reason. i've definitely quoted this song before, but i think i want to put it up in its entirety.

Bon Jovi - Welcome to Wherever You Are
Maybe we're all different, but we're still the same
We all got the blood of Eden running through our veins
I know sometimes it's hard for you to see
You're caught between just who you are and who you want to be
If you feel alone and lost and need a friend
Remember every new beginning is some beginning's end

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
That right here, right now
You're exactly where you're supposed to be
Welcome to wherever you are

When everybody's in and you're left out
And you feel you're drowning in the shadow of a doubt
Everyone's a miracle in their own way
Just listen to yourself, not what other people say
When it's seems you're lost, alone and feeling down
Remember everybody's different, just take a look around

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
Right here, right now
You're exactly where you're supposed to be

Be who you want to be
Be who you are
Everyone's a hero
Everyone's a star

When you want to give up and your heart's about to break
Remember that you're perfect, God makes no mistakes

Welcome to wherever you are
This is your life, you made it this far
Welcome, you got to believe
Right here, right now
You're exactly where you're supposed to be
And I say welcome
I say welcome
Welcome

i'm not religious myself, but i really identify with the lyrics of this song, despite the mention of god and eden. all of our decisions have worked together to place us wherever we happen to be at this point in time, and wherever it is, it's the best possible place we can be. i would suppose that there are limits and exceptions, though. if, say, i got paralyzed or blinded or somehow became permanently disabled, it might be hard to see the silver lining around those clouds. so i guess i should say that barring any really extreme circumstances, we really are in the best possible place that we can be.

the thing that triggered this thought was that i got a message from genesis gym. earlier, i'd called in to enquire about re-signing up. you see, members who'd completed a 12-week package with them would be eligible for 25% off their next package. the small print (of which i wasn't informed, or i forgot) was that the 25% discount was only applicable if i re-signed a package within 16 weeks of completion. it's been almost a year since my package completion which exceeds that duration by about 3.something times. and as you recall, i previously posted that without the discount, signing for a package now would absolutely kill my bank account. also, given my knee injury, it wouldn't have been worth it to sign up now anyway. so the plan was to wait. earlier this evening, the nice genesis people messaged me and said that there was a promotion - 25% off all packages until end-august. it lines up quite well, because (1) i'll be travelling in early august (more on that soon) so i won't be around to use the gym at the time, and (2) end-august is also about 2 months from the injury, so hopefully i'll have recovered enough to receive the go-ahead to do more vigorous physical activity by then. in a twisted sort of way, it was a good thing that the injury happened, because had i been completely ok, i probably would have signed up regardless of the price. so yes. i'm just hoping that it won't leave any (or too much) lasting damage.

spent the morning cooking. made a big pot of vegetable stew, which will serve as my meals for the next week. i don't understand it though, i keep getting a burnt black mess at the bottom of the pot. previously, i thought it was because i burned the onions while sauteeing them. this time, i made sure not only to keep stirring the onions, but i added water earlier as well, to stop the caramelization. there was nothing burnt before i loaded the rest of the vegetables in. might be because i was using a pressure cooker, and the higher heat caused the bottom layer of vegetables to burn. but through water!?? this warrants more investigation. i'm thinking to put a plate down, to make sure that the vegetables don't come in direct contact with the bottom of the pan. will probably try that next week.

closure is something that i tend to look for. not always, but yes for the things that matter to me. maybe that's why cutting communication with the person just like that didn't (and still doesn't) sit quite right with me. in my ideal world, i would probably meet them one last time to tell them that i knew that they were lying, and ask why, in the hope of getting some reasonable answers. scary JC friend says it's no use, since i already doubt everything the person says, so whatever they said then would have almost no value to me. she also said that i shouldn't need to feel bad or accountable to that person because they're a lying scumbag. again, she's right, but i don't know. i really wonder if it was something i said or did. it probably wasn't. the leading hypothesis is that that person just tells people what they want to hear with no regard for their emotions, and the primary objective is to get people in bed. makes me wonder how they will ever find a partner. it's a pity, i'd have loved them if given the chance. just like with the ex, but that was slightly different. regardless, i'd have loved the ex if they'd shown some signs of loving me back, instead of having to convince themself. ah well. it's ancient history by now.

my baby niece was born a few hours ago! i was just talking to her dad (my cousin) about half an hour before the time of birth. at that time, he said that his wife had been in labour for 11 hours. i have no idea why people put themselves through the horror of childbirth. but well, it's a free world. it's kind of stupid, but i'm getting emotional at the thought of having a baby niece. it's not like this is the first cousin who's had a child, so it's definitely not the novelty factor. maybe it's because i'm very close to this cousin, and not to mention that we're the same age. part of me wonders if i'm missing out by not having a kid. but then, i figure that i'm missing out on both the good and the bad. whereas if i play with my friends'/relatives' kids, i'll experience the good, but not have to deal with the bad. so all in all, i think it'll be ok. looking forward to seeing her tomorrow!

last year while she was visiting, chemical engineer cousin invited me to go visit her and her husband in perth sometime. it's almost a year later, and "sometime" is coming soon. the plan right now is to head down in early august, since i don't think the examiners will finish with my thesis so quickly, and also because flights are cheaper, and the end of the month is blocked off for asian games anyway. i'm also using the opportunity to meet one of my in-game friends, who's studying there. should be a fun trip! have to save up from tuition money though. tickets go for about $400 (return), and i think i'll bring about AUD400-500 to spend. good thing that the exchange rate is about 1:1, instead of the singapore dollar being weaker, like it was the last time i went. not sure if i want to plan for a melbourne leg of the trip. budget and time constraints, after all. well...we'll see. still have a month and a bit to decide.

-random thought of the day: Right knee, please get better soon!-

Our surroundings truly influence us, and often to a greater extent than we think. remember a while ago, i was having regrets about not starting the dating thing earlier, not sleeping around and all that stuff? i talked to a few of my friends about it, and their responses have been quite consistent. typically, it follows the track of "physical gratification doesn't equal emotional fulfillment", with which i agree. one of my friends also brought up the point of STDs, and HIV in particular. he was saying that while the chemistry guys are relatively open-minded, telling them that i'd contracted HIV would probably be too much even for them. and i agree. in fact, i'd probably react somewhat not-positively too, if a friend told me that they were HIV-positive. i mean, i'd still consider them a friend and have meals with them and whatnot, but there'd always be this hyper-vigilant scanning for bodily fluids and possibilities of transmission going on in the background, which i can imagine would get tiring/tiresome really fast. unfortunately, (to my knowledge,) none of my friends have had the experience of sleeping around, so we're all discussing hypotheticals here. maybe i might believe it more if i personally knew someone who had been sleeping around, and said that they regretted it. or maybe i can test it out myself. after all, nothing wrong with sleeping around a little if one's not committed, right? but i've got to work on my body first, to make it easier...or even possible.

and speaking of my body, today was the second session of TCM. there's improvement in my range of motion, and i'm walking at about 90% normalcy now, but at a much slower pace. despite it being round 2 of treatment, the needles were worse today. the physician did more acupuncture around the knee area, and as you know, that's a sensitive area under the best of circumstances. i cannot begin to tell you how much i screamed in that session. maybe let's put it this way. i almost screamed myself hoarse. there was one area she poked where i felt electrical signals run through my whole leg. not exactly pleasant. but she's nice, skilled, and professional, and it's just my own fear of needles and being poked in general that's making her look bad. more importantly, there's decent progress. she said it would take about a month to regain normal-ish function, and maybe another month after that before i can go for vigorous activity. will probably not think of hardcore judo any more...this injury might just be a sign that i should accept my limitations and gracefully transition into a full teaching role. and with that, my high-dan dreams are also probably over. i'd be beyond grateful if i could see 5th or 6th dan in this lifetime, but at this point, i'd be happy with any grade above 2nd dan.

coincidentally, i (not literally) bumped into my cousin-in-law at the TCM place. she said her back was hurting, so she went in for a massage. i thought the head physician knew that i was related to her (my cousin-in-law), but apparently she (the head physician) didn't! she knows my cousin and my aunt too, as we've all been to see her. in fact, my aunt first brought me to her old clinic to get my judo injury looked over back when i was in J2...think the first time was for my collarbone. not sure if i went back to them for knee stuff, though memory says i did. anyway, my cousin-in-law is due to give birth soon! according to her, she's due by this saturday latest, which puzzled me a little. i didn't realize pregnancies had cutoff dates. always thought that they happened naturally as and when the mother and baby were ready. or maybe that that means is that they'll induce labour if it doesn't naturally happen by saturday. is it not good for the baby to be inside for too long as well? i'm not a gynecologist, so i've got no idea. whatever the case, i'll be seeing my baby niece soon! for someone who hates kids, i'm actually kind of excited. i just hope that they won't offer to let me hold her or anything.

still no word on the thesis. then again, it's only been 2 working days. i figure that i'll wait another day, then go bug my professor about it. i hope that he won't find too much fault with it, and that he'll trust me enough to say something like, "make these minor edits then go print a copy". my absolute last submission deadline is 04 august, but the department administrator told me to submit by 23 july so that they have reaction time for paperwork and all that. my plan is actually to submit by 6 july at the latest, though that's also dependent on how fast my professor gets back to me, and which is why i'll have to chase him if nothing is heard by tomorrow.

i know that i'm supposed to focus on myself now, getting my knee fixed, eating better, having a good sleep schedule, eventually going back to working out. but somehow there's this (to use a recent popular slang term) thirsty part of me that wants some action NOW. but i guess that's up to me to exercise self-control and positive thinking. perhaps i should remind myself that rejection sucks. that might be a good enough deterrent for me to just keep to myself for a while.

-random thought of the day: Feeling (mentally) lighter.-

Knee update! 4 days after the injury, and 2.5 days after TCM, i have about 60% mobility. i can bend the knee to just past 90°, after which there is more pain than i'm comfortable with. the injury doesn't seem to be that bad, as the leg can still support my weight (yes, i did try standing on the injured leg, and it works fine). only things are that rotation is still pretty much a no-no, and i'm still having difficulty walking. it's the transition from bent knee to straightened leg that hurts. based on my amateur knowledge, and thanks to some anatomical drawings online, i figured that i'd strained my lateral collateral ligament, which is on the inner side of the knee, facing the other leg. the area where my medial collateral ligament should be (on the opposite side of the knee) is feeling a little tender too, so there may have been some (wait for it...) collateral damage there. see what i did? good thing is that the inside of the knee (meniscus, cruciate ligaments) don't seem to be hurt; at least i'm not experiencing pain in that area. i'm due for a follow-up TCM session on tuesday, 3:00 or 4:00pm, can't recall. they should send me a reminder over SMS the day before, so i'm not that worried. worst case is i'll call in to ask. hopefully mobility will improve to 80% or more after that. i really want to get better as soon as possible.

you know, i've been wondering about the proper care procedure for soft tissue injuries. the general advice is to rest the joint and not move it around too much. but from my experience with injured knees and ankles, keeping the joint at rest/immobile for too long kind of "freezes" it in place, and makes movement more difficult later. at the same time, moving the joint too much isn't good either, as it creates stress and delays the healing process. perhaps the answer is to exercise and rest in moderation. like, don't leave it stationary for too long, but know when it's getting tired and you have to stop.

spent 7 hours yesterday going through all 6 chapters of my thesis and checking for uniformity/making edits. with that, i'd say about 95% of the work is done, provided my professor doesn't want any major edits. that also just leaves the preface and conclusions to go. well, more of the preface; the conclusion's about 80% written already. i read my senior's thesis, and his conclusion was quite impressive. i liked the way it naturally suggested that his work (and the work of our lab in general) would be the next step in cancer therapy. should attempt something like that, without plagiarizing, of course. the preface is easier to settle, but more tedious. have to do up the contents page, as well as the lists of tables, figures, schemes, and abbreviations. lots of copy-paste work, so you can see why it's easy but annoying. if all goes well, we're looking at a late june to early july submission, after which i can focus on non-school stuff more wholeheartedly. have to clear out my workspace, too. 3.5 years of documents, data, and memories. i think i'll bring a big box in on monday, start doing some packing of the stuff that i don't really use any more, like textbooks and the portable bed, which kind of needs a wipe-down.

quickly touching on that person, it's been a week with no contact. well, technically 6 days, but still. at this point, i think it's clear to see where i stand in their eyes. i still don't get why they even agreed to try and start something, but lie about their intentions. and worse, to persist in the false front despite the many opportunities to escape that i gave them. i always mentioned that if they disagreed with anything i said, we could discuss it and come to a compromise. well...maybe some people aren't meant to be understood by me. right now, i'm mostly over it, though i will still occasionally wonder why things turned out like this. and yes, i know that most of my friends (and maybe readers here too) will say that it's because this person's a scumbag. nothing to understand apart from that. well, one good thing did come out of this entire fiasco. i learnt about a pretty nice song from them:

i'm not entirely prepared to listen to it now, because it will still trigger some memories, which is bad as i need time and distance away from them. but i should also remind myself that i should take these things independently. kind of like the ex and final fantasy. just because we broke up doesn't mean that i'll stop playing. and just because this person was so horrible doesn't mean i shouldn't appreciate a nice song that they happen to like. right. time for tuition!

-random thought of the day: Believe actions over words.-

Have you heard of the monkey's paw story? the titular object is a fictional artifact that grants you your heart's desire, but with a twist. scary JC friend's dad cited the example of a man who wanted to live forever, but ended up getting trapped in a wall as it was being built. other versions i've heard include one person wishing for infinite wealth, but dying shortly after. based on those two examples, i think you get the idea that to make a wish on one of those things, you probably need a lawyer to draft up a wish contract. in a twisted sort of way. i think that one of my wishes was inadvertently picked up by a monkey's paw. you see, i wished for a distraction from thinking about that person. but instead of getting more willpower to finish my thesis, or motivation to look for a good job, or something that would have steered me in a more productive direction, i got injured during judo yesterday. was sparring with a junior when i went down with her for a throw. don't know how, but my right knee popped. it was really bad, too...almost like the first time it happened back in 2009. the knee swelled up, and walking was painful. it was bad to the point where i brought my TCM appointment forward to "asap", which thankfully was earlier today. they happened to have a slot open, and i jumped on it. there's improvement, but i'm still rather limited in my range of motion. as if the knee injury wasn't bad enough, there's also a minor rolled ankle and basically my entire right leg's muscles are tight. worse still, the aftereffects include strain on my left side as well, because of the increased reliance on it for walking and other weight-bearing activities. just when plan get fit was supposed to take off!

actually, it might not be all that bad. i called genesis this past tuesday, to get updates on their membership prices. while my plan was to go for the unlimited package, doing so would quite literally wipe my bank account out. so i figure that i'll use the next month or so to earn some money, and build some good lifestyle habits, like eating less processed food and finding more stuff that i can cook myself. i was talking to the massage therapist at the TCM place while she was brutalizing me (or, loosening my muscles up, same difference), and she said that i'm still young - in fact, many singaporean guys get married in their mid-30s. i suppose that's true, but that's not exactly applicable to me for a number of reasons. regardless, i did appreciate her calling me handsome. i don't think it's just to make me happy because i'm a customer...at least i hope it isn't. but one thing that we both agreed on is that i could be more handsome if the excess weight went away. that's a goal to work towards, i guess.

earning money won't exactly be easy. so far, i've got a couple of tuition kids (one from NYGH, another from VS). that gives me enough money to survive on, provided that the kids don't have to miss classes. aside from that, i had a contact for kent ridge tuition centre, and there are several other tentative plans that may or may not happen. i'm actually really grateful to have friends that are so willing to help me in my time of need. i'm just hoping that i can weather these few months. it should get better soon.

-random thought of the day: Needles suck.-

Talking to a particular friend gave me an epiphany. this guy is someone whom i look up to as a mentor/big brother kind of figure. before our conversation last night, i think we hadn't talked for more than a year. it's partially because we aren't that close to begin with, and partially because he's living and working in australia now. even though the advice he gave was basically the same as practically everyone so far, ie. cut and run, he said one thing that had a greater impact on me than probably any of my friends in singapore could create. when i told him that cutting off all contact with the person would be tough initially, he replied, "yes it will be tough but if you had to reach out to me, someone you’ve not spoken to for eons, then you KNOW it’s bad". i suppose that *is* a really telling sign, and it should give me even more impetus to give this up completely.

i guess i have to find out what are the residual threads that i can't bear to cut just yet. the most obvious is physical, as i'm still attracted to them. but i can and should remind myself that there are people who look better, and who have better personalities to complement their looks. perhaps the reason i'm stuck here is because of their apparently easy availability, and because they said that they didn't mind my appearance. that's a demon i'll have to exorcise eventually. the next thread is a darker one, and it's a need for justice. you may disagree with me, but i want to see the person suffer for what they've done...ideally by having their heart broken. given their attitude towards interpersonal relations, and especially given their lack of interest in me, their heart won't be affected by anything i can do. want to stop seeing each other? "ok." i know that you've been lying to my face? "ok." get the hell away and don't contact me again? "ok." i might get "i'm sorry." if i'm really lucky, but you can see the general trend, right? someone else i spoke to says that i can take comfort in the fact that while i can potentially find a partner who will love/care for me as much as i love/care for them, this person will never know that feeling as i doubt that most regular people will be interested to commit similarly to pathological liars. that does bring a small measure of comfort, but at the same time, it's not guaranteed that i will find a partner for myself either. in that regard, i'll just have to do what i can and see if fate/luck smiles upon me. as for needing justice/revenge, i just want the person to be hurt somehow. and if their emotions are not a good target, the next best would be physical damage. not that i'd do anything like that; i'm not about to risk my future for an idiot. WAIT. i just thought of a way i could damage them emotionally. if i can't destroy them, i can destroy their image in their idol's eyes. i know who i could expose this to to make it hurt the most. but it's highly improbable, because the idol i need to get to is fairly popular and will probably not have time to entertain a random guy from half a world away. just a thought that i can entertain, and maybe something i can plot towards when either drunk and/or feeling particularly vengeful.

that's it right? i don't think there's anything else really keeping me from just leaving. to be fair, the above two factors can't really keep me from leaving either, they're just delaying the process. another friend of mine suggested that i try to get one last physical encounter out of this whole mess. i'm torn about that. i would hardly decline physical intimacy at this point, but i'm not sure if getting it from this person is the best way to go. i think my decision is becoming clearer. here's what i will do. i will wait until 6:00pm today. if i hear nothing from that person, i'll just block and delete. out of sight, out of mind. it will suck to miss out on the physical aspect, but i think that missing out is better for me in the long run. another reminder to myself: i am stronger and more resilient than i know. i just need trying enough circumstances to bring that side of me out. this qualifies, i think. should do one more of those "letter to myself" things. the last one i remember writing was just before beginning grad school. reading it made me smile. how young and foolish i was! so much has changed in the coming-to 5 years since that letter was written. but that's life. it goes on.

-random thought of the day: Call the gym today, and bring the column up.-

Should really look at this whole situation objectively and sort my thoughts out. i met scary JC friend and that new friend (who i realize is still nice, but not as nice as i'd previously thought), and they both gave me a lot to think about in terms of my desires and future plans.

first off, i met the person for dinner last night. it was bad, and "it" encompasses both the food and the overall experience. to start, they were an hour late. apparently there was some crisis at their work, but i'm not too inclined to believe it. i realize that there's really no point trying for anything serious with this person, not when i'm skeptical about everything single thing they say. more fact checking has also resulted in more lies being exposed, including the one about promising not to sleep with others until we'd first slept together. brief background: that person did tell me that they felt that they could not be monogamous, but promised to stay emotionally faithful as a couple. this declaration came a day after meeting my hot friend, so i'll leave you to draw your own conclusions. let me help you along the way - the person told me that they'd go for my friend first, after they were "freed" by me. and it's not like the person was keeping their end of the deal before that, anyway, so i didn't see the point of them telling me. we had a little uh, physical activity after that. more than kissing, less than sex. and remind me never to kiss a smoker. it's not a good time. and during the "activity", the person was basically a dead fish. given their level of experience, that's hardly to be expected. so i guess it might be different if i was more appealing to them. oh well. and they were supposed to go back to their workplace to settle that "emergency". i offered to drop them right at the front door, but they refused despite it requiring only a very slight detour. instead, they wanted me to drop them at an MRT station...no doubt making it easier to travel to the next place for a hookup.

now here's the part i don't understand. why is the person going to such lengths to maintain the charade? during dinner, i even gave them the ultimate "get out of jail free" card, by telling them that if they didn't want to do anything physical with me, they could tell me, i wouldn't be offended or upset, and we could both walk away. yet they persisted and told me that they did want me physically. i even told them about my ex not wanting to get physical because of my appearance, and they looked sympathetic about it. quote - "that's really superficial, looks are not the main deciding factor for me". i absolutely don't get it. not sure if i've raised this suspicion before, but i think that this person is sociopathic. and if that is indeed the case, there is nothing for me to understand, really. the perception and values that this person has would be completely foreign and illogical to me.

right. here's the new list of established facts:
this person is a pathological liar
this person's primary goal is sexual gratification
this person is not interested in me, despite what they've been saying
this person is more than likely entertaining me for a chance to get with my friend
this person is self-centred in bed (with someone they don't like)

taking all that into account, any rational person would be running far away. i will be honest here, i am somehow still irrationally wanting something to happen. and by something, i mean something physical only. perhaps it's the sunk cost fallacy...since i invested something into it, i want something back out of it. either that, or i've been dry for too long. i just counted...it's been 31 months since i got any action (last night doesn't count). and even worse, i may be letting my ego get in the way. like, i notice that i'm (still) oddly possessive over this person, in the sense that i stupidly still expect my friend to not sleep with them. i can't control either of their decisions, so it's really pointless.

let's examine my intentions in greater detail. say we are intimate. there are 2 possible outcomes: it's good, or it's bad. right now, the latter seems more likely. is bad sex better than no sex? at this point, i'm leaning towards yes. might be due to my lack of physical contact for the longest time. but i also know that i'm worth more than that. and why am i devaluing myself? because my perceived value of myself is that low, i guess. it's not a good thing, nor is it a good place to be. what do i hope to gain out of all this? intimacy. only? at this point, yes. i'm not about to enter into a relationship with someone like that. scary JC friend suggests that i not do anything. we're supposed to be meeting tomorrow night, to finish whatever we started yesterday. if they contact me about it, i can choose whether to go or not. if they don't, the choice is made for me. assuming that they do, i would probably go down if it's convenient and time permits and all that. i think this will probably be the last time i meet them (if that wasn't already yesterday). here are some more productive things i can do: get in touch with the gym. finish up the supporting info and all the tiny loose ends for thesis. call the tuition centre and ask about becoming a tutor. explore 2 potential temporary job opportunities that came up. i will not die without this person, and it's a given that the opposite is true as well. but i will need time to get over this and recover. emotional wounds need proper care, too.

-random thought of the day: New tuition kid!-

Calling myself sapiosexual (being primarily attracted to/turned on by intelligence) is a bit of a stretch. but converting a couple of words to their opposites (ie. "i am turned on by smart people" -> "i am turned off by stupid people") yields a far more accurate statement. the person just messed up even bigger, if that's even possible at all. when you consider that this person has been lying to my face (including telling me that they don't lie), hooking up behind my back, generally treating me as if i was disposable, you'd think it would be a difficult act to top! but somehow, they did. like i was telling scary JC friend, i witnessed a new pinnacle of human stupidity today. it's a lesson for me too...don't let lust overwhelm common sense. i'm quite interested to see how things will unfold in the next...20 hours or so. there's a chance that i'll finally get some! although the same thought has been crossing my mind - do i really want to get it on with someone like that? i'm undecided. or that person may figure that the final prize at the end isn't worth it, and not want to get it on with me either. either way, i have no more emotional attachment, so i will handle it in my usual style.

remember that new friend i was talking about in my previous post? i do like him as a person, but at the same time, i am pretty jealous of him. he's got decent looks, a good body, and is relatively young. with his current decision to play the field, he's getting plenty of attention from similarly good-looking people. that also means he's got no lack of companionship whether it be for mahjong or other more...intense physical activity. makes me wish i could have even half of his "luck", so to speak. yes, i know it's not really luck. jealousy is hardly a productive emotion, is it? i should take steps to change my life instead of hoping for a miracle. i'm not getting any younger, after all.

*Update at 2:39pm*
Stunts are being pulled. so tonight became tomorrow night. i'm fairly neutral about it...will just take it as a break from writing and tuition. it's quite entertaining to watch people dig themselves into increasingly deeper holes. reminder to self: never assume that you're the smartest one in the room. either you're really not, or you need to move to a new room. and it's probably also wise to stop racial stereotyping. here i thought anyone with japanese blood would be unfailingly kind, polite, nice, and all-round amazing. that has been the case so far up till now, but there's a first time for everything. or maybe it's their singaporean half that messed them up. well...whatever the case, that's how the cards fell. and it's also for the best that i have as little to do as possible (ideally nothing to do) with pathological liars. all in all, it's a good thing that this won't go anywhere.

-random thought of the day: Be productive.-

Pain is bad. but temporary pain that will bring about future benefits is worth tolerating. i mean that in terms of both physical pain and emotional pain, both of which i'll talk about in this post.

physical first. i went to the nice TCM practitioner to get my injuries from the accident sorted. i hadn't been there in 8-ish years before today. last time was for a judo-related injury, i think. either collarbone or knees. apparently the accident messed me up worse than i'd thought. my left shoulder injury led to stiffness in my neck, and my sprained right toes led to muscle strains in my left side because i was using it more to compensate for the right. lots of muscle soreness in my lower legs too. today's treatment consisted of a course of massage, cupping, acupuncture, and bonesetting. long story short - everything hurt. the acupuncture was the worst though, given my intense dislike of needles. i'd forgotten that they used a cold spray on the area before stabbing me with the needle, so the first one was a real shock. it got a tiny bit easier after that, but still sucked. i enjoyed the bonesetting a little,  with all the cracking and popping...except when the nice doctor pushed my shoulder back into place. that hurt. good thing is that i felt so much more relieved after the session, like i could stand straight up and with good posture too. i'm due for a follow-up in a couple of weeks, and i also did ask about how TCM can help with getting into better shape. yes, i'm aware that it's not a miracle fix, and i know that i still have to put in the work in terms of going to the gym, eating better, and all that. but hey, a little extra help never hurt, right?

emotional healing now. thanks to even more batman work (this time with help from a sidekick), i am beyond certain that this person thinks with their genitalia. funny how once i know a person is of questionable morals/integrity, it becomes easy to drop any and all emotional attachment to them. so i guess the end goal has changed from a stable relationship to something purely physical...although even that might not materialize depending on how events unfold in the next 2 days. either way, it's for the better in the long run. as with most (all?) things, it's a learning experience. one good thing that came out of this is that i made a very interesting friend. i look forward to knowing him better in future.

moving forward, it's more or less back to the "me first" plan. what this new friend and scary JC friend said is true - that my own issues with my appearance are getting in the way of me meeting potential partners, and the only way to solve that is for me to be happy with how i look. like i mentioned before, it's either i consistently put in the requisite hours in the gym over a multiple-month to -year period, or grow skin thick enough to stop caring how others perceive me. honestly speaking, the former has a higher chance of happening. problem is that my funds are running a little low at the moment. but when there's a will, there's a way, no? i'll make it work somehow.

-random thought of the day: Stop wasting time.-

Dinner with the chemistry guys is always nice. while i see a couple of them pretty regularly, there are a few who i'm closer to, but haven't had many opportunities to meet due to work and other commitments. we did the usual guild house dinner thing, and i filled them in on these recent relationship developments. the advice was basically the same - why waste time on someone who apparently is not as interested in me as i am in them? i know they mean well, and i would trust most of them with most things that i own/have...simply because i know that they have my best interests at heart. i'm slowly starting to agree with them; i have to admit that it is tiring to constantly be the one initiating stuff.

here's an interesting dilemma i first came across while watching the thin blue line (a british police sitcom): "if you know something is wrong, but the method by which you know it is wrong is also wrong, is it right to right the wrong? or wrong to do right? because the real wrong is that it was not right to know the wrong, and so righting the wrong cannot be right". that's some expert writing there, and expert delivery of the line by the actress. i wonder how many takes she took to get it right. but yes. in the course of doing some more detective work, i have kind of realized that the person may not have been entirely truthful to me. that ties in to the above dilemma of whether to right a wrong when you first knew about the wrong through wrong means, because my detective work involved a potentially morally-ambiguous method, let's leave it at that. and it was through that method where i found out that this person may have been lying, or at least withholding some of the truth. times like these make me wish my instincts were a little less sharp/sensitive, which does happen when i'm blinded by emotion. but thank goodness that's only temporary. ultimately i know that it's better to face the harsh reality rather than to live in a fantasy and to be taken for a fool. the transition from fantasy back to reality does suck though.

and a few friends brought up another quite relevant point - this person's job requires fairly constant communication with people. so to kind of superimpose their level of communication with me onto what they'd have to do for their job is really inconsistent. i see that point as well. call me unempathetic or whatever, but i really have difficulty believing that this is the standard level of communicativeness. come to think of it, they were a little more chatty when we first started talking. not going to unfairly assume what the reason for the drop in word count on their part could be, but that's the observation.

well, the road ahead is becoming clearer...as it was clear that i was potentially on a very bad path, too. conclusions: this person is sociopathic and/or manipulative and/or just wants hookups and will tell people whatever they need to hear to achieve that goal. call it what you want, but it's not the behaviour of someone who's looking to get into a serious relationship (not my definition of one, anyway). so i guess all promises are null and void. it hurts a little, but thankfully the (metaphorical) knife has only been in for a week plus, tops. pulling it out will still be relatively easy. moving forward, i guess i will take a not-nice but very practical piece of advice that several people have given me, which is "eat first, talk later". if this person is even willing to meet up with me again, that is. now all i have to do is come to terms that this won't last. it probably never even took off in their eyes. should be able to get over it, given enough time.

-random thought of the day: Remember your priorities.-

Better get a couple of toxic thoughts out of my head, or i'll know no peace tonight. the first is related to the person. to describe our relationship so far, it's like doing a cha-cha - one step forward, two steps back. i thought that there was progress when they allowed me to visit them at the hospital, which was also where i met their childhood friend. it seemed fairly normal, we got along pretty well. i even told them that i'd be back to visit the next day, in the afternoon. and they said ok. i even messaged them at 9:30am to confirm the timing. there was no reply, so i decided to go down before going to scary JC friend's place for mahjong. when i went to the hospital, the nurses told me that they'd been discharged already. LIKE WHAT!!?? is it not basic courtesy/common sense to give this kind of information to the person you're dating!?? i don't want to think that it was done on purpose to avoid me, but it certainly feels that way. and when i messaged them that it was hurtful and confusing, they just replied "ok". i have no words at this point.

mahjong was good. lost $5, which is a loss i can accept considering that i haven't played in a year or more. there was another guy there, and we were talking about my relationship problems. this guy says he's not ready to settle down yet, and wants to play the field a little longer. that's fine and well, to each their own. the toxic thought involving this guy is one of jealousy. he's 5 years younger than me, good-looking, and in good shape. of course he can get hookups! i'm still hung up over my own issues with my appearance, which the ex made worse, or at least didn't make better. not to mention i started the dating game late, at close-to 27 years old. it makes me wish that i'd gone through a hookup phase or similar. of course, there's the other side of the coin where people who did the whole hookup thing will say "i wish i'd given my first time to my girl/boyfriend" or "sleeping around doesn't provide emotional fulfillment". maybe the grass is always greener on the other side. it still makes me wish that i'd done such stuff at least once. i suppose it's never too late to start, but i have to overcome my own issues with my appearance first.

that's it for now. just a short post to get things off my chest. i think i've said it before, i will try as hard and as long as this person tries. just please don't give me evidence to suggest that this is a prank, or trick, or that the person is lying. people will die if that happens, i guarantee it.

-random thought of the day: Sleepy.-

Even though it seems like there were many things wrong with my previous relationship (not to say that there weren't...), the one thing i enjoyed about it apart from acceptance by the ex's mother (oh! it's her birthday soon. should drop her a message.) is that things were relatively stable and predictable. even when the relationship was on the decline, i knew well in advance what the outcome would be, and was thus able to prepare myself for it. in this current one, things have taken a 180° turn literally overnight.

weird thing is, i have no possible idea what could have caused this change. i have been perfectly honest with them, and there isn't much dirt to dig up on me anyway. i want to see the best in them, and think that they're still recuperating from their illness, and are therefore lethargic and unable to hold a conversation. about their illness anyway...i did some casual detective work out of concern and found out that they were discharged from the hospital on thursday morning. which means that they lied, or at least withheld the truth, because they replied "no" when i asked on thursday afternoon if they knew about their discharge plans. so that's not a good sign already. scary JC friend also said that that was the alarm bell going off. to give extreme benefit of the doubt, i can say that maybe they wanted to rest at home without seeing anyone in this time.

to think the worst of them, it could be that they are thinking twice about starting something with me. might be because of the monogamy rule, or that they suddenly took issue with my appearance, or they simply couldn't make the commitment for one reason or another. you know, i can accept almost any reason for someone turning me down. the best case is that i think it's valid too, and i work on improving myself in that area. worst case is that the reason is nonsensical, in which case i'd be better off without that person. what i can't accept is being left hanging. i'm the type that would typically want closure, unless what the other party did hurt me so bad that i don't even want to be around them anymore. that stage hasn't been reached at present, so i'm still willing to meet and talk if there is indeed a problem.

like i mentioned a couple of posts back, lust and hope combine to make a very non-conducive environment for good decision-making. i think if the person wasn't as attractive, or the topic of sex hadn't come up in our conversation, i might have found it easier to drop them like a ton of bricks. was that the phrase? or was it a hot something? i don't remember exactly. not important. yes, i am reminded that my superficial side exists. perhaps not the best thing to get blinded by it when searching for a partner. well...let's see how things go over the next few days. i still stand by what i said previously. no matter how busy, tired, sick, or otherwise occupied you are, you always have the time to send a short massage to people you care about. even "i'm ok but don't want to talk now" would be better than stone cold silence. hoping that the conversation resumes tomorrow, but who knows. maybe i should start preparing myself mentally.

-random thought of the day: Dreamt of the ex. Wasn't a good dream.-

Not having been in many relationships, and never with someone so...unique, i am finding myself a little bit in the deep end. it's quite challenging to carry out a conversation when you just receive one-word replies most of the time. it would at least help if those words could lead to further conversation, but the word in this case is usually "ok", which kind of puts a stop to the flow. let's break down the information i have, and see what i can do about this.

things i know about this person
they appear to be trying.
they appear sincere.
they are less experienced with relationships than me.
they have difficulty expressing themself.
they don't seem to feel anything very strongly.
their views of intimacy are a little distorted.
they don't like to rely on others.
they are honest.

things within my control
i can learn to stop being paranoid when this person doesn't reply my messages.
i can learn to accept their style of messaging.
i can make my wants and limits clear to them.
i can keep trying as long as i sense that they are too.
i can choose to be there for them, and maybe eventually, love them.

things out of my control
they may not be telling me the whole truth.
they may in fact be lying to me without me knowing.
they may still be sleeping around.
they may not like/love me back despite all that i do.
there may be other factors impeding the relationship.

for the things that i can control, i think that i've done most of them already. i guess it's just me being in the early stages of the relationship, and wanting to progress. it's kind of a residual effect from my last relationship. i guess i'm afraid of things going too slowly here, so i want to get all the so-called formalities out of the way. things like meeting their family, introducing them to my friends, and of course, getting even closer to them both physically and emotionally. the thought of bringing up my suspicion of autism has crossed my mind more than once, but i've gotten conflicting advice on it. some say to ask tactfully, while others say not to bring it up. i think it might depend on the individual. for this person, i feel that i might be able to do it tactfully, but at a later stage.

one significant thing that happened is that this person was admitted to the hospital yesterday. some heart condition thing. i realize that i'm worried about them, maybe more so than would be normal for people who have known each other for a week. am i falling for this person? possibly. i'm known to fall in like really easily. but more than that, i also want to take care of this person. gosh, what's wrong with me? hope i can visit them soon. i think that i'm starting to miss them a little.

-random thought of the day: Keep trying.-

Revisions have to be made, both to my thesis and my assessment of this person. thesis first. my professor read through everything, and his comments were surprisingly positive and not harsh! the introduction passed muster for the first time in...ever, actually. just need to include more examples to highlight my points. chapters 2 and probably 4 will need restructuring, in the way that results are presented. it's too draggy now, so i have to use less prose and more figures. chapter 3 should be ok. just have to relook it. and there's some renumbering that needs to be done. personal goal: have the edits to completed chapters finished in 2 days, chapter 4 finished by the weekend, send all 5 chapters to my professor for second read-through next monday, get feedback in a few days, and prepare for submission two mondays later, on the 18th. it looks good, but as you know, things have a wonderful way of going awry.

i had date #2 with the person. from my observations, and talking to a support community, i am now more inclined to believe that the person is autistic to some degree. it will take effort to see if that hypothesis is right, but the key things i have to do are treat them with respect, recognize that they are an adult as well, and to communicate wants and needs clearly and constantly. i will be honest - it does sound tiring, because it requires me to basically do most of the heavy lifting as far as communication goes. lucky i can be talkative if the situation requires. don't even know how i learnt that skill. i also have to be very careful in the way i word my questions and statements, because they interpret figures of speech very literally. the BPS boy was telling me he literally rolled out of his room when his mother told him "你给我滚出去!" the person didn't understand what i meant when i said "catch you later", which i often use as a farewell.

with this new information, i am less inclined to just be in this for the intimacy. this person said that they wanted to try being in a relationship, instead of just sleeping around. and i told them that i would try as hard as they did for as long as they were willing. newton's third law. it seems wrong to assume that the worst will happen, and just give up on the spot. currently, i have learnt a few new words - allistic or neurotypical as the antonym of autistic, instead of "normal" that most people would use as it's convenient. well, let's see how this goes. it could be a really good decision, or a really bad one. either way, it's more life experience, isn't it? have to say though, i still do have reservations. my batman sense is still giving off some warning signals, but i'll elaborate why on the next post. i'm overdue for bed.

Apart from nights where i stayed out completely, i think last night/this morning was the latest i've came back this year. 4:30am actually might be the all-time record, or at least solidly in the top 3. i was hanging out with scary JC friend and her boyfriend, asking for advice and opinions on quite possibly the strangest date i've had. in this case, "strange" doesn't really equate to "bad". before i go into the details, i just want to say that i am not an expert on mental health, social interactionist theory, behavioural psychology, or anything remotely related to these fields. all the jargon and terms i use are of my own layman understanding, and i deeply apologize if i cause offense by using them wrongly.

we had lunch at mos burger, novena square. this person wasn't kidding when they said they were a person of few words. conversation was quite one-sided, with me initiating it basically 100%. to be honest, i felt that it was kind of not optimal, but i had been warned beforehand, so fine - at least i was prepared. i then found out this person is a light smoker, who has a cigarette after meals. normally, that would have been a deal breaker, or at least come really close to being one. not sure why, but i still decided to carry on in this case. a few factors come to mind, one of which is the person's attractiveness.

lunch was followed by a drink at starbucks, where we spent more than an hour having a similar one-sided conversation. i think it got a bit better, though. through the conversation, i kind of think that this person has autism. thanks to one of the BPS boys, who shared a lot of information on autism with me (he's on the spectrum too), i saw a few similarities. liking physical contact, having similar sensitive zones on the body, social awkwardness, inability to grasp metaphors or figures of speech, and having a malfunctioning mental filter. that last one in particular, gives me mixed feelings, because this person is rather uninhibited about talking about sex. it's refreshing, and after my last relationship, i think i need/want something like this. at the same time, it's worrying to me because it seems like that is this person's primary motivation. given their past, as well as their inability to communicate on a deeper level, physical relations has always been the easier option with previous people. not good for someone wanting to understand relationships.

you read that last part right, by the way. this person says that they want to start dating (1) at their mother's request, (2) to experience what a relationship is like. point 2 is more worrisome. i'm not sure if i'm being treated as a trial run before someone better comes along. according to them, they are fine with me. but at the same time, they are also fine without me. granted that we've only known each other for...4-5 days, i'm not expecting instant emotional attachment. there was one more thing that troubled me, in that i had to specify ground rules that most other couples would take for granted. things like being monogamous, for instance. not sure if i want an open relationship. i do wonder if i'm imposing my personal idealized view of a relationship onto this person. it feels like i should give them a perfect example of a great relationship, but monogamy is great to me, maybe not to them. so...how? try both? be committed for a month, then reevaluate? that actually sounds like a not-bad idea. or it might be the best/only compromise.

i know that i am not making accurate judgement here. my mind is being clouded by hope and lust, which is a shockingly bad combination for accurate/good decision-making. scary JC friend and her boyfriend both told me the same thing - i can go with it. even have physical intimacy with this person. but i should not invest any of my heart (feelings, emotions) into this. this person, according to them, is incapable of love. and here comes my saviour complex to make things worse. i want to help them understand what love is! after taking their input into account, i think the plan is to remain optimistic, but realistically guard my heart until i can see that the person is trying as well. best case, we'll be a couple. worst case, friends with benefits? that's actually a pretty acceptable worst-case scenario! also shows how long i haven't been getting any. sorry, i think that might have been a bit TMI. or maybe the worst case might be that we cut off contact. at this point, it's not really a big loss. i'll just regret not getting physical while i had the chance. so...yes. that's how things are going to go, i guess. just going to briefly digress to talk about scary JC friend's boyfriend. i like him! he's funny, easy to talk to, honest, and most importantly, they are good for each other in the long run. i've heard about their arguments, and it's not my place to judge. good thing is that they're still going strong, which is heartening after their most recent argument, which seemed quite bad. i'm happy for both of them, and a tiny bit jealous. not because i want either of them, but because i want the same kind of easygoing, strong love that exists between them. they told me that i'm devaluing myself too much. my own issues with my appearance might be an impediment to finding so-called "true love". and they reminded me of a quote, "you only get the love that you feel you deserve". will have to study that in greater depth.

should add a very important reminder to myself. my batman sense still feels that something is amiss. to be fair, it might be because i have literally never dealt with this exact situation, and have zero references to draw from. the closest would be the BPS brothers, and that ended badly. to be extremely paranoid, i might go as far as to say that this person exhibits sociopathic tendencies, and is really good at maintaining a lie. it should worry me, and rightly so. but i am somehow believing that i can handle it. am i overestimating myself? very likely. it's quite conflicting. my belief is that you should think the best of your date/partner. example: if they don't reply you for like, 5 hours, you should assume that they're busy or asleep, instead of assuming that they're hooking up with other people. the fact that seeds of doubt are already present does not bode well. but i suppose doubt can be due to the newness/unfamiliarity. after all, it took me a while to get used to the ex coming home from work, texting halfway with me and just falling asleep. well...time will tell. for now, i just have to be more vigilant, and AVOID INVESTING BEFORE SOLID SIGNS ARE SEEN.

-random thought of the day: 犯贱。-

You know how people say that if something is too good to be true, it probably is? i'm facing such a scenario now. but, less interesting stuff first.

my professor finally found time to START going through my thesis! considering that i emailed him my finished chapters close to 2 months ago, i'd say it's about damned time. but i also understand that he had to worry about bigger things, like my senior's submission and defense (he passed), his visit to the US to see his wife (not easy for a married couple to live apart), and whatever other duties the department has for him. i hope that the feedback will be generally good, or at least not too bad. goodness knows i don't want to do any major rewriting at this stage. from what my juniors told me while my professor was preparing them for their QE, recently his major trigger point is that there must be a story to your research. like, all your projects have to come together cohesively in your thesis to show your contribution to the field. i THINK i have that, but his opinion may differ. well, i'll just see what he says when we have our next meeting.

slowly getting used to driving the civic again. the steering wheel offset is still gnawing at me every now and then, but i'm adapting well enough. haven't been able to get my usual seat alignment though. it's comfortable, but it feels too far backward compared to previously. but if i go too forward, my legs are excessively bent. that sweet spot is missing, for some reason. well, it's still been ok so far, i can still reach the steering wheel, radio controls, indicator lights, wipers, everything that i need to while driving. been doing speeds of 80-100km/h maximum down the expressways, with no issues. i kind of enjoy it! also ferried 2 other passengers on a few occasions, showing that the car can handle added loading. feels almost back to normal, except that there's now a kind of spider-sense tingling in my head when a neighbouring vehicle appears to come too close...residual trauma from the accident, i suppose.

time for more interesting stuff. it involves relationships, despite my "me-first" plan. then again, my plan had a variable for "see what comes along". and something just came along. there are a few things i want to get your opinions on first though, because they will all come into play with this potential development. i'll explain each in their sub-sections.

age gaps: what is the maximum range you will go either way for dating? i'd previously thought that my maximum age range for a serious relationship would be +3 to -5 years from my own age. and even then, -5 years does sound a bit extreme already. my reasoning for not dating someone too much older or younger is that we would be in different stages of life. so our needs, wants, and expectations would probably not align. like, if i were to date a 60-year old, i would have to work extra hard to support the both of us. alternatively, if the person is rich, i'd probably get to enjoy life. but can i talk myself into doing it? i'm uncertain. unless maybe they look 35 and are fairly up to date with the times. but let's not get caught up in sidetracking. +3 to -5 years is of course, just my own guideline for myself. if there are really people dating others twice their age, sure. as long as both parties are happy and meaningful consent can be given, i won't judge. in my life, the biggest age gap i know personally is probably between my paternal grandparents (5 years). smallest age gap would be 2 weeks, between an aunt and uncle. this age gap between me and the potential person is -8 years, with them being younger. remember, no judging. from what i understand, this person is working right now. so we might be a little more similar than a typical couple with that age gap. but that's still a relatively minor issue compared to the next few things (i know right!).

inadequacy: i'm sure you've heard of the general format of this story. person A wants something, which she asks her partner, person B, to get. they go on an arduous journey to procure it, but just before the last step, person C walks up with the exact item that person A needs in hand. obviously person A chooses person C over person B and they live happily(?) ever after. well, not person B, anyway. the moral is supposed to be something like, who deserves your love more - someone who has been with you through thick and thin, or someone who offers you all your desires right off the bat? yes, i know that this story is flawed in many ways, most noticeably for assuming people/women are shallow, but it does raise a good question. in today's instant gratification world, we sometimes forget that the journey matters as much as or even more than the destination. so this ties in with my own fear of not being good enough (in whatever way) for this next person. there has been some reassurance, in that this potential person has told me that they don't go solely for looks. we'll see about that.

issues (social): about issues in general. how many of you would date a terminal cancer patient? *the cancer was there before you started dating, not like married then they were stricken with cancer* not having been in that situation, i cannot tell you how i'd actually react. but rational me says that it's unlikely i would agree to start dating. to put it in very mercenary terms, it's cost-benefit analysis. benefit of having a (short) fulfilling relationship vs. cost of that person dying. the costs seem to win most of the time. in this case, it isn't that serious. without revealing identities at all, this potential person had a messed up adolescence, that resulted in some behaviour that most people would call weird. it's a little unconventional to me (that's saying something in itself), but it's nothing i can't handle. if i had to compare it to a known reference, it would probably be the BPS brothers. maybe a little higher-functioning, to use an incorrect but easily-understood descriptor. this potential person tells me that they are tired of people not getting past their aloof exterior. means i have to spend more time cracking this nut. the one thing i can say about our interaction so far is that it was a tad frustrating at first, but i'm beginning to enjoy it. i'm being forced to explain my views clearly, and without contradiction. just like that elective philosophy module all those years ago.

gut feeling: due to certain interactions, my gut feeling (or batman sense) is giving off warnings. there are certain inconsistencies that i am completely unable to reconcile. not inconsistencies in information, though. that's fine. just inconsistencies in thought patterns, i guess. and methods of expression. you know the very crude saying for guys...don't stick your <something> in crazy. i do not think this person is crazy. but i do think that enough warning bells are going off such that i am and should be on guard, but not quite ready to call things off just yet. my senior's words to live by: 人始终是犯贱的。i will do my best to try as long as the other party is trying. and they may resolve themselves in time. we'll monitor for results.

looks like i'm getting myself into hot water again, doesn't it? it looks that way from up here on the diving board already, so i can only imagine your much clearer view from poolside. on one hand, if we are able to work through stuff, this could be the best thing to happen so far. on the other hand, it may just be a fleeting thing. or we might not even let it take off. who knows? and there is always the other person's opinion. so far, it's been extremely neutral. EXTREMELY. might be planning a date with a cardboard standee for all that it counted. but in the spirit of my blog title, and the song from which it derives, i will meet this with an open mind and an open heart. maybe tomorrow's face-to-face meeting will help me understand more clearly.

-random thought of the day: Something is unsettling.-