Relationships are initiated quite easily, but take time and effort to maintain. somehow, that thought came to my mind as i was thinking about the dinner scheduled for later today. it's a pretty early reunion dinner with the extended family, considering that CNY's still a week away. it's scheduled for grand park hotel, i think, near city hall. the name always escapes me. i think it'll be good.

how did this thought come about while thinking about dinner, you ask? well, it's admittedly not that direct a link. you see, if you've read this blog since the start, you'd know that i have a cousin. well, i have 20+ cousins actually, but i was always extremely close to this particular one, since our birthdays are like 4 days apart, and i spent every school holiday at his place. we were never in the same school or anything (except in SAJC for one day, before i transferred out), but still maintained good relations somehow...even in university, when he went to australia to study, while i stayed with NUS. i don't know when exactly we started to drift apart, though if forced to guess, i'd say when he started working. i guess it was also because we no longer had school holidays, so we couldn't see each other as often as before. we still tried to meet for the occasional weekend dinner, but the last time that happened was...around a year ago. and he ended up forgetting about it due to work or something, so we didn't actually see each other then. he's not going for tonight's dinner either, because he had a wedding dinner scheduled beforehand. not his fault, though i would have liked to use tonight to catch up a bit.

the other scary thing about losing contact with people for a while is that they change. well, yes, everyone changes with time, but what i mean is, the change can be so drastic after a long period of no contact. up till JC, we spoke like once a fortnight minimum, so we were still fairly updated on each other. but as the contact increasingly reduced over army, university, and work, i sometimes found out that our wavelengths were completely off. i remember there was once after we both ORD-ed, we went out for dinner and he brought his girlfriend (who was a gold-digger and thankfully now his ex). at that time, he told her that there were times when we didn't need words to communicate, and that one look could speak volumes. i distinctly remember agreeing to that. unfortunately, i doubt we're in tune to that kind of level any more these days. in fact, there are times when i wonder what exactly he's thinking. this never happened say, 10 years ago.

but well, i guess the lesson to take away here is that we have to work on our relationships, at least those that matter to us. and that it takes two hands to clap. even then, i guess it never hurt to extend your hand if the other person means a lot to you. just a thought for future reference.

on the topic of people who mean a lot to you (me), i had to postpone the usual saturday date for the dinner. the date was understanding and even supportive, so i'm grateful for that. we rescheduled to tomorrow, so that's cool. it's probably going to sound kind of stupid, but a day makes a lot of difference. another way of reading that is to say that i miss the date a bit. ok, a lot. we last met this monday, which seems like forever now. but well...it's not rational me speaking at the moment. but i figure that since i've waited from tuesday to friday (and most of saturday) already, another 24 hours won't hurt that much. plus we're still texting regularly, so that'll hold me.

right. looking at the clock tells me that i'd better go and prepare. genius me left my shoes in lab, so i have to come up with plan b.

-random thought of the day: How can some people be so smart and so moron at the same time? Elaboration to follow.-

Been slightly overwhelmed by research these past couple of weeks, to the extent where i think it's messing with my head. somehow, reactions which worked before are giving problems, and don't even get me started on new reactions. zero luck at all. i wonder...is it something which i'm doing, not doing, or doing wrong? the worst part is, being stuck has resulted in me having very little data, and QE's in june. i think that at this point, i've all but given up thinking of an early QE. well...at least my professor remains supportive, and is offering suggestions and advice, for which i'm extremely grateful. just have to remind myself to persevere, and do my best so that i won't have any regrets regardless of the outcome.

one possible outcome is that i fail the QE, and am asked to leave NUS. to be perfectly honest, it actually sounds not too bad right now. but i guess that's because i'm stuck in a rut. i'll admit that thoughts of that eventuality coming to pass have crossed my mind, and i think that i have some backup plans (as well as savings to last me while i job-hunt). but let's not think along that line too much. ultimately, my goal is still to graduate, though it may take a bit longer. i suppose that as long as my professor remains supportive, i should continue fighting.

a great source of strength/comfort has been the date...though i don't think they know it, or if they do, not how much. it gives me something to look forward to, i guess, be it our weekend dates, or even spontaneous weekday dinners. it feels nice, i think. and i feel our relationship growing stronger, slowly but surely. on another plus side, the chem kids have been great in including the date into stuff, the most recent thing being a CNY dinner planned for the wednesday after. we have practically full attendance, plus some +1's coming along, so it's going to be our biggest gathering yet. i'm grateful that we still make efforts to get together every so often.

how does one define love? that's what i've been thinking about for a long time. or more accurately, how can a person say that they love someone else? i've more or less come to the conclusion that love takes time to grow between people. and if there's a good chance, i should take it. the date has kind of hinted that there are still some secrets that i don't know, but i figure it takes time. and i don't think there's any secret they could tell me that would make me want to stop dating. well...have to remember to give the date time. haste makes waste and all that. i figure i'll observe for a little longer, and plan accordingly. if my intuition is right, the date should be receptive when i do ask. fingers crossed.

right then. i guess i should just focus on improving what i can, both for work and with the date. somehow, it still feels like i'm not blogging as in-depth as i'd like. perhaps i'll do a longer post over the weekend, about some other issues as well.

-random thought of the day: Keep going!-

Have had to battle the morning traffic both yesterday and today. it's really mentally taxing to drive in peak-hour traffic. somehow, more moron drivers appear. could be that the proportion of moron drivers stays the same, but the increase in absolute numbers of cars on the road means a corresponding increase in the number of moron drivers encountered. either that, or bad traffic conditions bring out the moron in people, especially those who are looking for super-small gains, like bypassing the queue at a junction. i'm personally inclined to believe it's a combination of both reasons. either way, i'm even more set on avoiding peak hour as much as possible. seems like i have to hit the roads before 7:30am or after 9:30am to have a smooth enjoyable drive.

my traffic woes are mainly due to my professor, as he wanted to start our year-end presentations at 9:00am yesterday (year-end for 2015, of course), and he wanted to see me at 10:00am today to talk about my project. i'm a little apprehensive about that, because i don't know what exactly is on his mind. there's a rough idea, but i don't want to assume too much. well...i just have to trust that whatever it is, no matter what he suggests, he's thinking of my best interests.

the date's birthday was earlier last week, and we celebrated it this past saturday. my planning was a little off, and i consequently kept the date waiting for WAY longer than what i feel is forgivable. thankfully, they were nice about it when they realized i was late because i was preparing their birthday surprise. turns out english muffins are quite easy to make (no oven required, and mine turned out soft and fluffy!), but the process is time-consuming. now i know. and it was also my first time on the singapore flyer that night. nice view, though i think it might be more enjoyable during sunset. only one way to find out, i guess. next time. more importantly, the date and i had a serious conversation, in which i told them that i wanted to make it official, but not right now. you see, i've been thinking about it a lot for a while now. at this point in time, i can't say that i love the date. it's only been 2 months and a few days, after all, so it's definitely too soon for me. i figure that i'll only bring it up if i can confidently say "i love you" to the date. that's as good a test as any for me. although i use heart emojis a lot, i'm actually extremely serious about using the word "love" when it comes to a person, and even more so about saying "i love you" to someone. loving someone means a huge huge commitment to me, so i want to be absolutely sure before i go throwing that word around. to balance it, i shouldn't spend too long thinking about it, lest i miss the opportune time and the date loses interest. you know, rather regret the stuff you did do and all that. so...i can sit on it, but not for too long. i don't think it's right to put a deadline on this sort of thing, so i'll just say that i'd rather do it reasonably sooner than later. for now, things are in a good place after saturday, and i'm hoping that they get even better from here on.

reality check time again. i was talking to my car enthusiast friend over dinner last week, as we were overdue for a meetup. he told me that his fiancee (note for future reference: one e for male counterpart, two e's for female) had broken up with him. see the weird part of that sentence? if you don't, basically the girl broke the engagement. it's quite shocking, especially since they seemed to be fine during the few occasions when we've gone out as a group with other friends. it was all kept hush-hush, to the point that i was totally unaware about it and even asked him when the wedding was! you have no idea how horrible it was for me, and probably even more so for him. thankfully he was cool about it, and didn't really make a big deal of my slip-up. without airing too much dirty laundry, i'll just say that their split was due to her not agreeing with things that he was doing and that he feels are important to him. it's nothing illegal or immoral; just a difference of opinions and priorities. anyway, the takeaway is that sometimes, things like these happen. marriage, engagements, or (in my case right now,) "making it official" won't stop a breakup if it's going to happen anyway. conversely, doing these things might make the breakup even uglier, and make the healing process much harder, too. so i shouldn't rest on my laurels if/when the date accepts.

well, there you go. it's time to meet my professor, so i'll just be going, then. hope it's not too bad.

-random thought of the day: Lacking sleep this week.-

Keeping to my preference for not leaving negative stuff at the top of the page for too long, i thought that i'd write a quick post to push all that bad stuff down, and provide an update at the same time.

things have gotten better since the last you heard. we missed our saturday date for the first time, but that was because the date wasn't feeling too good. we met on sunday instead, which was nice. had fish and chips at balmoral plaza, which was below expectations. the date says that the branch at tanjong katong is better based on memory, so i guess we're due for a trip there eventually. we then went to funan after dinner, because they wanted to pick up a new headset. they ended up getting something from razer, while i still had no luck with finding a phone holder for the car. maybe i'll have to improvise something else.

more importantly, we talked intermittently about the issue throughout the entire time together, and i think that we're both more or less over it already. no doubt the date was still feeling a little negatively about the whole thing at first, but they warmed up on the drive to dinner. i think that they came around to respect my decision, as they accepted my compromise for us to buy clothes together when they next get the urge to buy me stuff. i much prefer that, and i'm grateful that the date agreed to it without any further issue.

i'm also grateful that this issue was satisfactorily resolved. i just hope that the date is really ok with it, and doesn't bear any hard feelings. i suppose i'll know better over the next few weeks. but all in all, i think we'll make it ok. conversations over the last few days have been a little halting due to our schedules not aligning, but i'm grateful that we're still talking normal-ishly. and we started playing final fantasy XIV together, which is nice. for now, i don't think that i have anything serious to worry about as far as this aspect of my life goes, which is a blessing. i hope that the next time we argue, it'll be for something minor enough to be resolved quickly and easily. then again, i shouldn't really be planning for future arguments, right?

-random thought of the day: Some of my keyboard's LEDs died already.-

I'd start by wishing one and all a happy new year, but the first 17 hours and counting of 2016 have been anything but happy. let's do the new year post first, before i explain why.

so, it's 2016. if memory serves, this is the third or fourth time in my life i've experienced new year falling on a friday, leading to an extra-long 4-day weekend. more time off is always welcome, i guess. though i might go to lab tomorrow or sunday to set up a reaction. haven't decided yet. one thing i've noticed for the past 3 years or so is that i feel quite...odd on new year's day. it's not a happy feeling, definitely. kind of melancholic? of course, unhappy events happened in the vicinity of both this and last new year's days, so that might be the cause as well. but somehow, a side-effect is that i find myself more pensive/reflective, which i think is ideal for blogging. on that note, i'm not too sure that i did a good job with last night's post, given that i was still rather emotional. oh well.

my forecast for major events in this year isn't too long. moving house around march, QE by june, possibly a few overseas trips, both judo and personal) in the works (hopefully one with the date), and...that's it? sounds kind of sad. oh wait! my friend's wedding in august; how could i forget? still, that's all that comes to mind now. it seems quite boring/mundane, but i suppose that there's some comfort in that. i'm not much of a thrill-seeker or adrenaline junkie, so a quiet year does sound pretty good. the main thing i have to worry about is the QE, because if i don't pass, i may be kicked out with a master's, or even worse, nothing at all. and after how my professor fought for me a year ago, being asked to leave with anything less than a phd feels like the ultimate disrespect. thankfully, this is one of those things within my control, and i intend to do what i can to avoid disappointing him.

previous years' posts have all contained resolutions of some sort, and to varying degrees of detail. recently, i've found that for me at least, general/broad resolutions seem to work better than really specific, planned-out stuff. i guess this year, my resolution/goal is to improve myself daily, in all aspects of life that matter to me. actually, if the entire 2016 consisted just of 6 repeats of november and december 2015 (minus yesterday's incident), i'd consider it a good year already. i'm just hoping i can live up to my own expectations, as well as those that others have of me, be it my professor, or the date...provided that these expectations are reasonable.

here's hoping that similar to last year, starting 2016 on a not-entirely-happy note will lead to even greater happiness down the line. as usual, i'll maintain cautious optimism, and remind myself that things happen for a reason.

---------------

things with the date are a bit better, i suppose...but still quite lukewarm. we had a minor continuation of yesterday's conflict, but i guess things are looking a bit better? we've had some level of normal conversation, just minimal, and without the usual emojis and light-heartedness. i'm still fairly convinced that things will be ok in time.

this conflict has made me think a little more deeply about this relationship, and relationships in general. i strongly believe that love at first sight doesn't exist. the initial attraction can only sustain a person's interest for so long. a relationship takes effort to maintain. granted, we're not in an official relationship yet, but still. i don't want things to die because of something this trivial.

at the same time, i wonder, to what extent should compromise go? this thing about not going back on my word and not being obliged to accept things which i specifically said not to buy...these are important to me. are they as important as the date? less? more? there isn't a simple answer, unfortunately. i'd say they're on completely different scales. i don't know why it's so hard for the date to just cancel the purchase, and move on from there initially. it's been cancelled already, so thank goodness.

perhaps i shouldn't apply my own yardstick to other people. we're all different, after all. had it been me, i'd probably have apologized, cancelled the purchase, and dropped everything there, instead of behaving how the date is now. i suppose the bright side is that it's a learning experience, but i just think that it could have been easily avoided.

what kind of bothers me more and more is the way the date acts. i've said it before so many times - i'm not one for drama and games. yet, i found myself driving down all the way from bukit batok to VIVOCITY, just because the date decided that we shouldn't meet and that they wanted to spend the night alone. i'm not blaming them since i asked for their location and chose to go down myself, but still, it felt like i was being punished somehow. and again, it could have been avoided! what's more, the way the date talks...it's rather offensive, i guess. i mean, if you're seeing someone, the last thing you want is to make them feel bad through your words, even in conflict, right? for me, i try to be nice, to watch my words, to avoid touching on sensitive topics that might potentially upset the date. personally, i don't feel that this consideration is reciprocated.

ok. to analyze my behaviour, i suppose that i could have just accepted the clothes and made the date happy. then this whole damned mess wouldn't even have happened. but as you know from previous posts, this is a very important belief that i have, and by taking the clothes, i would have betrayed it, making me unhappy. by refusing the clothes, the date is unhappy. is it fair for the date to ask me to choose between our happinesses (yes, i know it's not a word)? it makes me so pissed off, that such a trivial thing can affect/has affected things to this large a degree. and what kind of scares me is that the date has somehow hinted that they might reconsider. i may be oversensitive here. i suppose an alternative would have been for me to take the clothes and simply store them until our agreed time limit of june, which might have been the best compromise. i don't know.

i guess the underlying thing here is fairness/equality. why is the date "allowed" to behave thusly when things don't go their way, while i'm not? i'm not saying that i want to get angry with people all the time, or act so immaturely. it's just frustrating that one partner in a relationship isn't held to the same standards as the other.

despite all this, i'm still hopeful. after all, the date has many good qualities, like thoughtfulness (which was the main thing behind this, i guess), being nice (outside of arguments), a great sense of humour, and attentiveness. like i've said in the previous post, this isn't a deal-breaker for me by any means. can't say the same for them, but i guess i'll find out in the near future. i believe that love grows with time, and conflict is part of the growing process. of course, it's only been a month and a half, so it's too soon to say we love each other. even then, i think we're on the right track, despite these differences. i'm just hoping that the date feels somewhat similarly, otherwise this period of dating will be pretty short-lived as well. i guess i'll know tomorrow, since it's our regular date night. i just hope that they're ok to meet. meanwhile, i suppose i'll just have to process, digest, and re-re-re-re-re-evaluate. also, pick my friend up from the airport.

-random thought of the day: Still no Starbucks drink.-