Ended the week ok-ishly, i guess. submitted one case today, and started cracking my head over another one, which is more complicated. good news is, i appear to be slightly ahead of schedule for my year-end target, but i'm nowhere near the pace i need to hit the adjusted promotion target. not worrying about that just yet; i expect that i will try to speed up a little bit in december.

taking a few more baby steps in scouting things to get for the house. today's mission was a smart door/gate lock combo. there are 2 shops that i know of selling them near macpherson MRT, so i took a train up after work to check them out. since i went to 2 places, i can kind of do a compare and contrast between them, which might also help me to decide which shop to go with. the first shop had a very attentive (and quite cute) sales rep who spent time demonstrating the functions of the various lock models, explaining their differences, and just making me feel taken care of in general. shop #2's sales reps were all busy with other customers first, so i walked around exploring the various models before someone came over to assist me. he was helpful, but perhaps less so? maybe he's the kind who is there to answer questions, but will not automatically provide more info. nothing wrong with that, but the impression i got was that he was a little less enthusiastic.

a part of it could have been because he was afraid to recommend anything without knowing the clearance between my door and gate, lest the locks didn't fit. since it was bugging me too, and the flat was a short bus ride away, i went down to measure the clearance. i didn't have a ruler on me as i wasn't expecting to do any measuring, but i managed to improvise and take independent measurements using my phone's ruler, my fingers, and a piece of paper. all methods gave me values of about 8-9cm, which should accommodate most locks. surprisingly, both shops gave quite reasonable price estimates, well within my maximum budget of $1200. of course, there are pricier, higher-end models with more functions than i need/feel comfortable with, so no issues passing over those. the unlocking methods i want are just: physical key (as backup), fingerprint, NFC tag, phone app, PIN. ideally, i'd be able to use my phone's NFC to unlock the door, but i hear that's not a thing. why is it not a thing!? also, there appears to be NFC tags selling on shopee, which means i can have a few spares. for future consideration! the conundrum i have here is that one shop has better service but is not as good in terms of products, whereas it's the opposite for the other shop - lukewarm service but seemingly better products. my gut is telling me shop 1 now, but i'm not rushing to make a decision yet.

not sure if it's stockholm syndrome or sunk cost fallacy, but i found myself reenergized by visiting the flat and the surrounding estate. i think that i'm falling in love more and more with the neighbourhood with each successive visit! that's not a complaint, by the way. i'm extremely fortunate to be able to move into a place that is not only convenient, but that i actually like and am looking forward to moving into, instead of feeling like i settled for something due to pressure to move, or only chose because i couldn't get a place in my desired area. a bonus i saw was that the flat had already been outfitted with a smart electricity meter! that means i can get electricity from the open market, which should equate to cheaper bills. i also tried peering in through the front windows (don't worry, nobody's living there now), and it seems to be tinted and textured enough to prevent people on the outside from looking in! how that might change with the lights on inside at night, i don't know, but i think it should be fine.

plans for this weekend include tuition tomorrow. the sec 1 kid isn't coming, so i think last week was the end of my time with him? i'm still seeing the sec 2s, though the first part of sec 3 chemistry is kind of boring. shouldn't complain too much; i'm earning money from it after all. tomorrow's mission is to drop by the gain city and best denki in vivocity to get quotes for an air-con system and the accompanying installation. sunday's mission is the same, but at harvey norman in bedok. the only reason i'm going there instead of one that's more accessible to me, is because a guildmate's neighbour is working there and i'm hoping that the minor inconvenience in travelling down will lead to a better price. might be a good opportunity to explore the bedok-ish area again. i don't think i've been there since tutoring the VS boy all those years ago (the fish soup outing doesn't count, since i didn't really explore the area then). wonder what's changed in the past...8 years or so.

-random thought of the day: Feeling a little down now, don't know why.-

Recharged myself a little over the past 2 days, first having the alaskan crab lunch with some old boys and scary JC friend on monday. we ate super well...the food didn't look like a lot, but i was quite literally stuffed by the end. calculative/mercenary as it sounds i realize that having connections to older, more experienced people is quite beneficial. like apparently there was this stock tip that one of them gave, and that stock tripled or quadrupled in price over the last 4 months or so. too bad i didn't catch wind of it; i could have paid off my renovations and have cash to spare! i think this is where i need to make myself more known/heard. scary JC friend tells me she does it with drinking, so that people will have a stronger memory of her. i love my liver way too much for that, so maybe something else. now, all i have to do is figure out what "something else" is. i should disclaim that my intention is not to ingratiate myself to them solely for financial benefit; the financial benefit is nice, no doubt, but they are people first and foremost. besides, if i were just in it for the money, i would've stopped going to the alumni thing years ago!

went to JB yesterday with scary JC friend and her (our, now) interior designer friend to get a better idea of what i needed to get for the new place. we saw lights, fans, power strips, switches, toilet fittings, taps, sofas, and curtains. information overload, but that's why i have the two of them to keep me from panicking over the various decisions. i've got a better idea of how the house is going to look like, and i'd describe the overall feel as "bright", "open" and "comfortable", with maybe some pops of contrasting colours just to liven things up. i can't lie - the trip brought my excitement to move in to a new high! now, if only things would get moving again. yes HDB, that means you.

since we took the time and effort to make the trip over already, we also took the opportunity to fulfill several side quests such as eating at 海脚人 ("hai kar lang" in hokkien), a seafood soup place. they have branches in singapore now, but we went to the original shop. prices are the same in singapore and malaysia - by that, i mean the number stays the same but the currency unit changes. i had spanish mackerel soup (add oysters), and helped scary JC friend finish her crab porridge. the fish and soup were good, the oysters were underwhelming, and the porridge was amazing. i think they cook the rice in fish stock, so there's the savoury-sweetness of seafood in every bite. would go again! we also went to ikea where we got sidetracked by a lady selling honey in the atrium - a surprise for me since ikea singapore doesn't allow external vendors! we got 2 jars of honey each, and scary JC friend managed to convince the boss to throw in an additional free small jar as a gift. i picked up the rocking chair and scary JC friend got metal shelves. saved me a couple tens of dollars compared to singapore, so i'll take that win. i also saw my stuffed hedgehog, which was surprisingly selling for about the same price as singapore. i wonder how they decide what prices to set in different countries.

by then, we had finished all our shopping, so we went for a massage. i opted for the acupoint massage...and i'm not sure if that was a good decision. the therapist spent 90 minutes hitting every sore spot i had, and some i only discovered when she pressed on them! i guess it's good, because i'm actually still aching in a few of those spots today. she mentioned that i had a lot of 湿气 (wet/damp air/energy), and recommended doing cupping or guasha to dispel it. something for me to consider on my next trip in! i still don't quite get the whole TCM concept of dry vs wet. a quick google told me that 湿气 comes from eating cold/raw food and not having enough exercise. japanese people must be chronically wet, then! ok, they do exercise so it probably balances out. have to factor exercise in eventually.

last stop in JB was giant clam hotpot for dinner. i'm not kidding when i say "giant" - the clams we had were probably 6-8 times bigger than the typical lala you see in the market! i liked it well enough, the soup (plus the bottle of huadiao wine we threw in) was flavourful, ingredients were fresh, clams were done perfectly. even then, scary JC friend says there's a better one that she'd rather go to. that's for next time!

while looking at things and mentally running through the finances for renovation, i realize that i'll have to make some changes to the established plan, which was to put $8000 in CPF for tax relief, and transfer some money back out of my brokerage account if necessary to fund renovations. the problem is, i underestimated the cost of all the furnishings: air-con, sofa, bed, washing machine, fridge being just the big-ticket items. so, i figured that instead of putting the full $8000 into CPF, i'll keep it liquid in case i encounter some unexpected expenditure. the compromise would be putting a smaller sum in, at the price of less tax relief. but also, it's not like i get much relief anyway! i get a $70 discount for every $1000 i set aside, to a maximum of $560 discount for $8000 deposited. on one hand, it's worth it because the money in CPF (which also earns 4% interest) is still mine - just that i don't have access to it for the next 30-ish years. and as you know, far water can't put out a nearby fire. that applies to me now as "future money can't pay for present expenses". i'll sit on it for a bit more. i can contribute anytime within this year, so there's still a bit of time left.

meeting more people really opens one's horizons. i was extremely impressed with someone i met recently. he's not a relationship prospect, just saying first. anyway, 2 things really left an impression on me. the first is how lovingly he treats his wife. ok, granted that they've not been married for very long (less than 3 years?), one could argue that it's still the honeymoon period. even with that in mind, the way he speaks to her and does things for her makes me believe even more that true love exists and is not as evasive as it seems. i'm not pining for it now, exactly, just thinking that i wish i could have that one day. not like immediately right now (though it would be a nice surprise!), but sometime while i'm still coherent and able to appreciate/enjoy it.

the second thing was his life story. he's served jail time, which i would not have guessed from just looking at him. what's more, he's not afraid to talk about it. like he casually dropped it in conversation by saying "when i was inside..." and genius me had to think for a minute to figure out where "inside" was. in another example of just how small singapore is, my GP teacher in J2, who left the school either when we graduated or a short time after to go teach in the prison school, ended up teaching him GP too! we both agree that she's a decent person, but an unbelievably lousy teacher. still, i suppose i have some respect for her and the good she's doing.

back to the usual grind today, and i got like 80% of a complicated case done. i'll finish the remaining 20% of stuff tomorrow - putting citations in, polishing the argument a bit more, that kind of thing. for some reason, i didn't register that today was already 29 october. still felt like the early twenties. it's good that time is passing faster than my perception of it...just got to keep myself busy and things will start to happen naturally.

-random thought of the day: Let's sleep early tonight.-

Addendum to the last post: a few more messages were exchanged in the group, and i decided to end the conversation and leave, lest my patience snap and i say something that makes things turn ugly (uglier?). the problem is, i don't know what else my second aunt wants me to do. HDB's timeline is quite fixed, and i understand that writing in to request expedition doesn't help. the interior designer already knows to apply for permits as soon as the approval comes through (it can't be done before then), and we are all clear on the timeline. he knows i need to move in ASAP, and he's pulling out all the stops to get it done.

the thing i feel that doesn't sit right with me is that my second aunt is rushing the wrong people. my timeline is fixed, and if all goes well, i will more than likely be able to get everything done on or ahead of schedule. so, instead of worrying about my house purchase timeline, she should be focusing her worry on how to sell her house! i checked on a few property websites earlier today, and i don't see any listings that i recognize as her flat. well...whatever. the longer they take to list it, the later they'll be able to sell it, and the more time i'll have.

just for reference, here's a timeline of my house-hunting journey so far:

9 august: applied for HFE

12 august: got HFE (most buyers should already have this)

interim: look for places for sale in desired area, narrow options down

24-30 august: house viewings (start counting here)

1 september: secure option for desired place

interim: apply for and get loan, arrange all the paperwork

23 september: exercise option (last possible day, in my case)

20 october: endorse documents

2 november (projected): HDB gives approval, apply for renovation permits

2 december: completion date (collect keys)

whenever renovations finish: move in!

the timeline shows that there are 100 days from my first house viewing to expected completion date. let's mega accelerate my aunt's timeline. assuming the buyer views the flat once, falls in love with it, gets the option and exercises it on the same day, we're still looking at about 70 days' wait until completion. if we count from tomorrow, that's 5 january next year. and bear in mind, this is the fastest possible version. realistically, buyers may want multiple viewings, haggle over the price, get their loan approved, spend time to think over such a major purchase, have this flat only as a backup plan, etc. not that i'm jinxing it, but my honest opinion is that the flat won't sell by 5 january. especially since there's the year-end break in between and all that. of course, in the event it magically does sell fast, i will be "considerate and reasonable" enough to move out. the worst case is i go back to sengkang for a while, which should work out as i'm scheduled for 2 weeks of work from home in january while my office undergoes some renovation/improvement works. realistically though, i think i'll try asking my third aunt to lend me a room for a couple of weeks if push comes to shove. failing that, i'll ask my friends for favours to crash over at their places. whatever impedes the sale, it won't be me - that's for sure.

something else that happened today was that my third aunt brought my first aunt and cousin (first aunt's son) to marine parade to get some stuff. before today, i hadn't seen my first aunt since visiting her at the hospital in 2016, when she had the stroke. and i hadn't seen my cousin for even longer...the last time might have been our grandfather's funeral in 2007? he told me that his daughter was learning judo in a polytechnic, and i gave him my honest opinion about the coach there. honestly, there are only a handful (less than 5) active judo coaches today who i respect. that's why i'm not doing it any more. anyway, i'm happy that he and his family seem to be doing well. honestly, i wouldn't recognize his kids if i met them on the street!

back to my first aunt. thankfully, she wasn't insane today. she apologized constantly for calling in on me, and spent a bit of time monologuing about the suffering that she's been through. she repeated quite many times that she must have been a bad person to reap such suffering now. i kept my thoughts to myself, but then my cousin said "good that you know" out loud, causing me to snicker a little. she also said that i could stay until january, and that the important thing was that i was happy. i appreciated the sentiment, but i'm not going to rely on her words for bargaining power. after all, i doubt she's aware of the timelines and stuff. i don't think she's deliberately behaving this way to win my sympathy or anything, but i find it hard to believe that the fragile-looking woman i saw this afternoon could be capable of behaving as horribly as my third aunt recounted, as recently as 2 weeks ago. not that i disbelieve my third aunt, by the way! mental illness is a scary thing, especially when combined with learned helplessness and stubbornness. i may be genetically predisposed to mental illness, but learned helplessness is something that's completely within my control to eliminate. even if i have to get a boost from my support network, i will face problems to the best of my ability.

-random thought of the day: No delays in renovations, please!-

Today was going well enough, until i received a message that plunged my mood way down. i'll talk about the better stuff first before addressing that message.

got some clarity on the tuition situation. my friend says i'll have 2 classes next year - one sec 1 with about 4 kids, one sec 3 with 3 kids. no sec 2 class due to lack of enrollment. honestly, i'm ok with that. this year's sec 1 boy, who will be sec 2 next year, is kind of a special situation. i'll probably miss the relatively relaxed atmosphere and all the tangents he went down! but it's also good, because i can focus more on actual teaching instead of nagging him to put his phone down, keep to his allotted breaktime, wait for him to finish lunch, etc. my friend tells me the incoming sec 1s are well-behaved (by singapore standards, anyway), and he has a close rapport with them. i'll try to use that to my advantage. as for the sec 3s, one boy is leaving and another is joining, so no net change as far as numbers go. the boy who joined has a really cool name! it sounds the same as a well-known game character, though i'm not sure whether the spelling is identical too. i'm happier because i'll be teaching actual chemistry, instead of messing around with physics and biology also. it's my time to shine (brighter)! i also negotiated a slight increase in hourly rate, which i feel quite proud of. truly, the answer will always be "no" if you don't ask. it's still below market rate, considering my qualifications, but every little bit helps when you're on the hook to service a mortgage.

after tuition today, i went by marina square to check out some computer chair options. i finally tried sitting on the herman miller aeron! been hearing rave reviews about it for so long. it's comfortable, but is that level of comfort worth $2000+? i have my doubts. i also tried chairs from another brand called ergoworks, which is supposedly more focused on ergonomics. to me, the chairs i tried from that brand offered about the same level of comfort as the herman miller chair, plus the ergoworks ones had a headrest, free-rotating armrests, and an optional leg rest, all of which herman miller doesn't, and for half the price! think i'll be going with a chair from ergoworks, but only closer to move-in. of course, there's always a third option, which is to get a cheapo lookalike from shopee and pray that it's sturdy. it would save me close to $900...but we'll see how it goes.

ok, not-good thing time. in the event that SRC reads this: i hope this post doesn't stress you out even more. what happened was that sometime this afternoon, my third aunt created a whatsapp group and added me and my second aunt. that already kind of set my batman sense off, because it was totally random. although i have no proof, i suspect my second aunt put my third aunt up to it, because she sent a long text about how i would move out of marine parade by 31 december, so that my first and fourth aunts could move back in. and that was the first thing to annoy me. i made it clear to both my third aunt and SRC (when she was here) that my expected moving date would be mid-january, taking into account time needed for renovations and all that. if i manage to move within this year, it'd be a bonus. i did not appreciate having someone assume and set my moving date for me like that. if she had the power to alter reality, then sure, by all means! i explained that due to HDB needing to take time, plus to ensure quality renovations, there was nothing i could do at this point. the next message my second aunt sent really lit my fuse. she told me to remember that i was the recipient of a favour/kindness; and to be considerate and reasonable in view of that. if she wasn't a relative that i still have some goodwill towards, i'd probably have cut her off right there. i hate that she tried to capitalize on my third aunt's kindness to guilt me into taking action, especially when (1) the kindness was owed to my third aunt and not to her, and (2) there was no action i could take! plus, the insinuation that i was inconsiderate and unreasonable...does she think i'm purposely staying here to avoid moving into the new flat!? if i had my way, my place would be ready like yesterday! 

here's the thing i don't get also. she wants to sell her flat ASAP because of her upcoming NZ citizenship ceremony. fine. then why did she previously suggest i rent the marine parade place from my third aunt? if i had done so, my first and fourth aunts would have had to stay put at tampines, and the flat sale would not happen anyway. knowing that she had the citizenship ceremony coming, what to do with the flat should have been considered, and action taken long ago! anyway, i sent her an even longer message expressing my displeasure at the insinuations, reiterating that i had done whatever i could, and that the ball is in HDB's court now. i was half-tempted to add "poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine", but no point fanning the flames even more. i'm just hoping that everything goes smoothly for my place, so that i don't owe people any more favours. again, being in a "weaker" position means that i have to suck it up and endure some indignity. but it's fine. just another 2.5-ish months, less if we're lucky.

excited for next week! there's that alaskan king crab lunch on monday, plus the JB trip on tuesday. getting items on my shopping list will be another step forward. i've changed SGD1000 to MYR as an initial amount, and i'm hoping that it will be enough. ideally, i'd have some left over, but let's not set our hopes too high. other than that, i don't think there's anything else noteworthy. work's been pretty good, my mentor seems to be trusting me a bit more. it won't make sense to most people, but she sent back two of my cases as "check complete" instead of "to review". it's a step in the right direction, and i hope the momentum keeps building. i'm not exactly counting my KPI, but i seem to be on track to hit my year-end number. not sure about the push for promotion, though. some of my colleagues have become a bit disillusioned and are just adopting the "whatever happens, happens" mindset. i still feel like i could push for it, but i guess we'll have to see how things go after exiting mentorship. for now, the plan is to just do my best, day by day.

-random thought of the day: Finish the food in the fridge tomorrow.-

Literal shower thought (as in, it came to my mind 5 minutes ago while i was in the shower): "don't jinx it by complaining" and "ask and you shall receive" are actually two sides of the same coin. just that the former is for negative things, while the latter is for positive things. this thought occurred because my HDB document endorsement came a week early! well, a week and 2 days if we're being precise; i got the notification SMS on sunday evening. while it doesn't bring my completion date forward, what it does mean is that there's a chance that HDB's final approval will come sooner, that in turn meaning that we can apply for the renovation permits earlier and maybe even start renovations earlier. fingers crossed. i'm trying to temper hope/optimism with realism, but the thought of moving in early amplifies the excitement, anticipation, and most of all, the internal screaming.

feasting period 1 is (almost) over, and i think i should do a little recap/record of how things went. if you're lazy to read everything, here's the spoilered version: everything was good!

friday dinner with SRC: we ate at BBQ box, which is this 串串 place. think kushiyaki, but chinese style and bigger. although she's not a fan of meat that's not like main muscle groups, she gamely tried chicken gizzard and beef tendon. respect, for trying new things! highlight for her seemed to be the mushrooms, which were crispy and flavourful. probably due to a ton of butter, but what we suspect and don't know for sure won't hurt us. highlight for me: everything? i don't think there was anything that i didn't like. the food was almost as good as the conversation. i found out that there's a privatized space industry, and it's bigger than i imagined! mining for stuff in space...i'd never even considered that. but it does make sense; there's a danger that we may deplete earth's natural resources, so looking outward seems logical. it's all above my head, though - literally and figuratively.

we then went to i12 in search of a drink or dessert. considered chendol, but there was this coconut shake at itea. it was awesome. could give mr coconut a run for its money, i think! that was followed by a walk around the katong area where we continued our conversation, and saw a bunch of (presumably) foreign women rush to board a minibus. wonder what that was about? although we've been pretty updated about each other's lives due to the internet (probably more so her on mine because she helped me get through the cheating and breakup), talking in person is different somehow. i'm also happy that we managed to meet up again in person after just a year and a half from the previous time in kobe, compared to what - 6 years before then?

saturday lunch with family: in addition to a bigger get-together with SRC, this lunch was also to celebrate my cousin's, his wife's, and my birthdays. writing that just made me realize i didn't do a birthday post again this year. maybe my tradition should be not doing birthday posts instead! so i'm 37 now, and that's the first prime number since 31. strangely, i don't feel 37. 32 or 33 seems closer to the mark. but well, age is just a number, right? at least i'm feeling younger than my actual age most of the time...the "old" feeling comes mainly when my muscles and joints are stiff.

sorry, back to the topic. it was the usual menu at that restaurant, but we ordered less this time. thank goodness! between having had breakfast at the alumni thing that morning, and wanting to watch my intake, i felt full even from the reduced amount. gone were the days where my cousins and i could knock out 30+ plates of conveyor belt sushi each at the sakae sushi buffet. kind of miss it sometimes, but as scary JC friend said, quality over quantity should be the consideration at our age. as for my favourite dish here, i think it's a toss-up between the duck and the crab.

in between the various courses, i caught up with my cousin and it seems that he's doing really well in his new job! he was also telling me that he has plans to buy over a company and transition out of corporate life to be a business owner. i admire his bravery at taking that risk, because giving up my decent-paying job to jump into something like that is quite unthinkable for me. then again, we do have different circumstances - his education and experience so far means that he can work in almost any company, whereas i'm more limited to IP, where i won't want to go back to the high-stress environment of regular IP firms. the most i can go to without wasting my degree(s) is certain specific areas in the chemical industry. or teaching, but no. i guess that's the tradeoff in going to grad school. although for our situation, it's not like one of us is "winning" in one area and "losing" in another. he's more hireable, AND he makes more than i do! but it's not a competition, nor do i feel resentment towards him. if i had followed his path, i don't think i'd do well. so it's just each person doing the best they can. and honestly, he has way more obligations (financial, family, etc.) than me, so i'll consider my relatively carefree life as a win!

sunday lunch with SRC and scary JC friend: finally, two of my biggest cheerleaders got to meet! we had fish soup (well, they did; i had fish porridge) at this apparently famous place in bedok. they seemed to hit it off well, and i'm happy about that. not that i ever thought that they might hate each other's guts, but still. SRC had kind of told me about the house-buying process in australia already, and she recapped it for scary JC friend. it seems so much easier over there! i also learnt a few more details about SRC's early house purchases that were new to me, like a 12% interest rate on the loan! horrors. that would definitely be a motivator to pay it off ASAP, like she did!

lunch today with scary JC friend and mentor figure: i was about to write "deepavali lunch", but realized that it might be insensitive because we had wagyu. it was this place called bizen steak at plaza singapura, which we found out is part of the aston's group. quite surprising, because the typical image i associate with aston's is more of a western steakhouse. the steak was out of this world. and that was only grade A3! maybe one day, when my finances are looking healthier, i'll try A4 and A5, then decide which grade i like the best. i hear A5 has too much fat though, so a 220g portion like today's A3 one might be out of the question. as it is, i already skipped dinner because i'm still feeling full from lunch. they also had a free-flow salad bar, which had some hits and misses. the spanish omelette was dry and overcooked, for instance. steak aside, i think the best dish i had from the salad bar was the potato salad. my mentor figure said the grilled fish was good, but it was gone by the time i went to check it out.

as mentioned sometime before, the main purpose was to celebrate me passing probation. yet, somehow i still ended up footing the bill. for the record, i'm perfectly happy to do it. scary JC friend and i don't really keep a tally of who pays - sometimes she does, and sometimes i do. as for my mentor figure, he's rich enough to have wagyu for every meal if he so desired, so i don't think he's trying to squeeze me for a free lunch. the more likely thing is that he's very big on showing sincerity through actions - in this case, i interpret it as an expression of gratitude and friendship. it was a good opportunity to show appreciation for scary JC friend too - between being there for me during the cheating saga and subsequent breakup, as well as helping me settle the house purchase, i don't know how i'd have gotten through the past 3 months without her. so yes, i'm happy to spend on her. i'd do the same for SRC too, except she was insistent on buying this time because of the birthday thing. and i expect that will continue if we meet in perth, because she'll say that she's the host there. maybe the strategy i should adopt is to meet her and her husband in a third country! or when they next come to singapore, ideally around one of their birthdays and not mine. speaking of which, i don't think i know my cousin-in-law's birthday! should find out.

since i was in the area, i went down to the aftershock shop in suntec after lunch to enquire about a PC. good news is, it seems like a PC with my preferred specs will cost less than i expected! still, $2000-2500 is nothing to sneeze at, so the PC purchase will happen soonest after i move into the new place and have more cash after a few months of working. while shopping online is great, there are some things where the personal touch still wins out. for me, i feel more at ease if i'm able to actually talk to a person when i'm unsure about something.

just as a note to myself, here's what i'm planning for the workstation setup:

3 monitors on arms connected by display port to the PC (2 main, 1 auxillary).

of those 3 monitors, the 2 higher-resolution ones will be connected via HDMI to a docking station for connection to my work laptop.

bluetooth connections to keyboard, mouse, maybe headset for easy switching.

USB connections to other accessories (microphone, document camera).

have to figure out whether the PC will sit on the desk, be mounted to the underside, or something else.

seems like i'm going all out! but hey, if it makes me happy, it's worth it. plus, we've been told that there'll be 2 weeks of pure work from home in january due to office renovations. so might as well make sure i'm comfortable, right?

my social battery, and perhaps just battery in general, appears to be running low after the past 4 days (including today). i came home after suntec and just crashed out for a 90-minute power nap. i realize that my sleep schedule has been kind of wonky recently. my average bedtime is 12:30am, and wake-up time is 5:30am, though there have even been times i woke up before 5am. that might explain why i'm taking midday naps more frequently now. not sure what the reason could be - if i had to guess, i'd say noise and/or light pollution from my room facing the main road. ok, to be fair, i've been doing the doomscrolling thing more too, which isn't helping at all. i need to put my devices away earlier, i think. even more so because it's back to the office tomorrow! at least i'm still feeling positive about that. there's a deepavali celebration too, so that will help ease back into work. if all goes well, i may be able to submit another case or two this week.

-random thought of the day: Bring ATM card to lower money lock amount!-

Without him realizing it, my cousin said something in a recent whatsapp conversation that i thought was really healing for me. the context here is that we were talking about my (our) first aunt, and my cousin asked if i'd seen a video of her at peak insanity, ranting and cursing at the camera. i've heard of this video's existence, but had never seen it, and i told hm as much. i added that perhaps it was better that i didn't see it, or else i might just push her and her wheelchair down the stairs. think this meme:

anyway, my cousin said "no point burying your future with her", and that i had things to look forward to in life, like a new house, enjoyable work, all that stuff. and i think he made a really good point. the same thing applies for this current ex - while i would be morally justified in beating him within an inch of his life, he is not worth going to jail over, as well as the repercussions that come after that - losing my job, most likely being unable to find good employment, followed by inability to afford my housing loan repayments, and the ensuing downward spiral. so...rather than being concerned that other people are getting away without consequences for their misdeeds, i should shift the focus to myself and make sure that i'm safeguarding my own interests first and foremost.

not having tuition on saturday for a change is so refreshing! even better, it's a long weekend, so i really maxed out my break. at the alumni thing, a few of the seniors were asking about how much i made from tuition, and they told me not to let myself be exploited. in all honesty, the figure is quite low, even for market rate. but here's how i see it. the time commitment isn't that much - 4 hours per week of actual teaching time, plus maybe at most 2 hours of prep at home about once every 1-2 months. not much stress either; i rarely take work home with me, and i don't have to worry about the kids' academics because thankfully they're all decently intelligent and hardworking. so to me, it's like i'm being paid to babysit with some science thrown in. plus, earning a bit more helps with expenses, such as the mortgage, so i think it's an ok tradeoff. but i do kind of want to talk to my friend about a possible raise next year, since last i heard he's expecting a class of 6 people, and things may change if i accept the marine parade centre thing. well, if i really find that the money isn't worth the effort, i always have the option to walk away.

didn't plan for it, but in between the family lunch and meeting the interior designer, i got to hang out with my cousins and their kids. i'm grateful that it was a good day - everyone had fun, and there were no meltdowns, crying, or things like that. i also got to talk to my cousin's younger daughter more. she was born a few days after i left for JET, so i didn't really interact with her too much for the first 3+ years of her life. that's also why i'm happy that she seems to like me! after entertaining them at home for a bit, we went to this ice cream (gelato?) place just off telok kurau, where i had chrysanthemum with cocoa nibs. not bad!

meeting the interior designer gave me mild stress. i'm more or less going with his company, but in order to ensure he can secure the required contractors and meet the mid-january deadline, i have to commit ASAP. and it's this commitment that's stressing me, because it's a 5-digit sum! he's been awesome in explaining things to me and helping me save cost by telling me what needs to be done and what i can put off/live with. so, the mental block is on my end. i know i want to get it done so i can move in. yet, the thought of committing to such a big decision is causing me to hesitate. really, my irrationality at its best. in order to force myself to help things advance, i told him to give me until the end of this week, and we'd start the ball rolling. things will work out fine. now, if only i could 100% convince myself of that!

-random thought of the day: Fish soup for lunch!-

Feasting period officially started last monday, with the cat high 90th anniversary dinner. service was a little clumsy (part-time/gig wait staff), but at least the food was good! a restauranteur old boy said it was overpriced, though. i suppose it's ok in this case, because excess funds go to the school. both scary JC friend and i got invited to attend at a table which another kind alumnus sponsored. yes, it may seem weird that she was invited to a boys' school event, but she's a hit with the alumni, and from our sister school anyway. her presence really makes a difference; conversation just flows more easily when she's around. and my long-standing hypothesis that good things magically happen to her was proven again when we were invited to an alaskan king crab lunch! that's set for the 27th. also, to celebrate my passing probation, i got arrowed to buy her and my mentor figure a meal, which is scheduled for this coming monday. i totally don't mind, by the way. it's well within my means and for people i like.

before i go on to other topics, i think it might be good to list my upcoming engagements, just so i don't get lost in them and somehow end up double-booking myself.

tomorrow (17th) - dinner with SRC, who's in singapore!

saturday (18th) - morning alumni thing, lunch with SRC and the larger family, followed by meeting the interior designer to discuss the renovation quote

sunday (19th) - dinner(?) with SRC and scary JC friend. it'll be the first time they're meeting!

monday (20th) - dinner(?) with mentor figure and scary JC friend

following monday (27th) - alaskan king crab lunch

following tuesday (28th) - JB trip to get stuff for new house (date still tentative)

that's...a lot. i remember reading in this weight loss book that humans evolved and developed while not having a constant supply of nutritious food, so our bodies are built for periods of feasting and fasting. it makes sense, kind of. i should add a disclaimer here that the book was all about intermittent fasting, so they'd naturally want something that fit their narrative! as my experience in august showed, intermittent fasting does work for me. but now that that whole situation is behind me, i feel snacky urges coming back. seems wrong to complain that i feel like eating more, when there are people in the world who are physically unable to eat! and you know the chinese saying, 能吃是福 - being able to eat is a blessing. i'm interpreting "able" here both ways, being physically able to perform the actions required for eating and to keep food down, as well as being financially able to obtain food for eating. in spite of that, the fact still remains that i should try to balance out my feasting days with fasting days. even if not completely abstaining from food, at least cutting down on portion sizes.

not sure if it's because i passed probation or if i'm feeling more confident for work (the two may be related, actually), but i feel that my mentor has been less...critical(?) about my 3 most recent cases. it's not that she goes out of her way to put me down or anything - i believe that she looks through my cases with my learning in mind, and that's why on top of pointing out my mistakes, she also highlights things that i could have done better. could just be me, but i sensed a very slight shift in tone in our recent discussions. it seems to me that she's talking to me more as a colleague and less as a trainee? maybe i'm hallucinating, because if anything, i would expect her to be harsher now that i don't have the excuse of being wet behind the ears any more! or it could just be that i got assigned more manageable cases this round. apart from one horrible case that's actually biology disguised as chemistry, the rest of my cases look manageable! just have to be careful when going through them, is all.

as you saw earlier, i have house things to think about on saturday and the following tuesday. i've done up spreadsheets both for things to buy and the overall cost, and let's just say it's not so much "eye-watering" as it is "one step away from poverty". but if push came to shove, i do have emergency funds that i can mobilize, so it won't be too bad. besides, i don't spend that much anyway. might be additional motivation to buy less food! on the procedural side, my next step is endorsing the documents, which should happen by the 28th (3 weeks from clearing the document check). wouldn't it be nice if HDB beat the scheduled deadline again!? but let's not ask for too much. the current deadline is well within my acceptable limits, and it's only my heart that wants to move in ASAP so that i can have a place that i can 100% call my own.

can't help but feel like i have more things to blog about, but they escape me at the moment. there were some minor negative things, but i figure no point to leave a written record to remind myself of them and dampen my mood when i read this again in the future. i'll do my best to forget the small annoyances and live happily. maybe i'll just blog about one not-smart thing genius me did, because it's becoming a funny memory. so i wanted to make an omelette for dinner yesterday. the exact things i did were: heat the pan, crack, season, and beat the eggs, check the pan's heat using the leidenfrost test (aka. splashing a few drops of water into the pan and seeing if the water beads up), and dump the eggs in. take a few seconds to spot my mistake. was your answer "he forgot to oil the pan"? good job if you spotted it! i sure didn't at that time. in the end, i salvaged the situation by taking the pan off the heat and scraping the inside down, ending up with more of a scrambled egg. not a loss, but i found it funny that i forgot such an important step. good thing food sticks less to properly-heated stainless steel!

-random thought of the day: Getting a haircut tomorrow!-

Quality can't be compromised for certain things. the classic example i know is never to scrimp on anything that goes between you and the ground - think beds (mattresses), shoes, and car tyres. another one i realized more recently is to spend a bit more for shellfish. considering their higher risk of carrying diseases, it's better to get shellfish that's been handled well. i was reminded of this when i decided to get frozen oysters from NTUC. they were labelled unsuitable for raw consumption, so i steamed them first. even then, a few of them tasted just a tiny bit off. no ill effects, thankfully, but i think i'll spend more on live oysters or the flash-frozen ones that are specifically for eating raw whenever my craving next strikes - just for the peace of mind.

when talking to my aunt last week, she mentioned "idle minds are the devil's playground" when talking about my first aunt, but i'm finding to be true for myself as well. see, i'm kept busy by work and tuition for 6 days of the week. but on sunday, which is the only day i have exactly zero things scheduled, my mind tends to wander. i wouldn't say that i'm ruminating, exactly, but i do think back on the whole relationship sometimes, trying to tease out new insights and revelations for the jumbo post that i plan to write at the end of the year. i know, i should be doing "living my best life" things like working out, socializing, and whatever else that will contribute to a better me. but it just doesn't feel like the time is right yet. while i know that i can't rush healing and readiness, a part of me also feels like this is a cop-out. if i really wanted to, i could start on those things anytime, without having to wait until i moved house or whatever. maybe i need extrinsic motivation, since my intrinsic motivation doesn't seem strong enough. or maybe i can be kinder to myself...assuming that allowing myself to continue putting it off is actually being kind.

honestly, i'm quite eager to move into the new place. physical location and the convenience it brings aside, i see it as the first permanent home i'll have since 2020. like, i always knew JET would have to end; and the UK didn't work out so i never got to the stage of looking for a permanent home there. and of course, marine parade is temporary because my aunts will have to move back in soon-ish. side note: thank goodness we didn't go with my second aunt's idea of me renting marine parade! yes, i know the intention is to flip the new flat after 5 years, but at least i have 5 years minimum there. and i want it to be a place where i feel at ease, comfortable enough to engage in whatever creative pursuits i want to try. off the top of my head, i have cooking/baking, writing (the pen-on-paper kind), simple bodyweight exercises, maybe even restarting streaming! i also want to make it a point to leave the house and go out for fresh air every day. that's something that came to mind while i was walking to NTUC just now for groceries, because my mood is really boosted just by stepping out.

as you may know, i generally dislike being stuck in limbo states. i wish i could just fast-forward until HDB completion, and then to when the renovation is all done, so that i can start living comfortably in a place i can truly call my own. at the same time, i also know that my life shouldn't revolve around waiting for the house...but good luck getting that message across to my heart! i just have to remember that there are other things ongoing at the same time as well. hitting my year-end target, for one, and doing all the prep for the house. buying stuff, arranging renovations, subscribing to essential services (water, electricity, internet) being among the main ones i can think of now. guess this is what life is about - managing your feelings so that time passes faster between big, exciting events.

speaking of which, i think i mentioned that i'm feeling a little overdue for a break. admittedly, work is not stressful in the sense of long hours, but a significant amount of brainpower is exercised in the hours i am actually working. let's see...as of now, i have 14 days of annual leave left, all of which i can carry over to next year. there are 2 MC-less MC days, 2 family care leave days, and one day of birthday leave which i can't carry over. the plan is to use the birthday leave for the JB trip later this month. the family care leave was intended for moving house, but seeing as how moving in will not be likely this year, i might use it for house-related errands like the completion appointment or to head down to receive deliveries.

just a quick thought for future me's reference. i was thinking how an ideal week would go once i moved to the new place. if things went my way, it would look something like this:

monday - cycle to work, leave laptop in office, cycle to the gym after work, then go home

tuesday - walk or cycle to work and back home (bring work laptop), evening walk, stream

wednesday - work from home, evening cycle or gym

thursday - work from home, evening gym or cycle

friday - bring laptop to office, walk home, stream

saturday - tuition, maybe a social thing after, evening walk

sunday - social thing or introspection day, optionally with some physical activity

everything above is subject to change, of course, depending on actual circumstances such as if i decide to chase the promotion target and put in a few more hours of work over the weekends. i think i'm still not super good at leaving work at work, in that i'll still stay late or worry about cases even after leaving the office. i guess i need to balance my life better. as much as i'm telling myself work is just a means to an end, the asian/singaporean conditioning of aiming for the top is still hard to break. well...i figure it'll be fine. i should be more confident, now that i've been doing cases for almost half a year!

-random thought of the day: 11 weeks to get 10 points for work, doable!-

Based on scary JC friend's past experience in dealing with HDB, she prepared me mentally for long waits between each step of the house-buying journey. thankfully, HDB seems to be ramping up its productivity! like, they're known to take typically around a month's time to issue a HFE letter. i got mine in 2 working days. confirming the paperwork usually takes about 4 weeks, it took 2 weeks for me, including a slight delay because the seller missed uploading some documents. completion (ie. actually receiving the keys) takes about 3 months from exercising the option, my completion date/appointment is scheduled for 2 december, or about 2 months and a week after i exercised my option. thank you universe (and HDB) for speeding things up for me! if this is repayment for august...it's hardly enough, considering what i went through. but it's a start nonetheless!

so yes, i'm scheduled to go down to HDB hub on that date to meet the seller and sign my life away all the legal and financial documents. the interior designer is also looking at applying for a permit to start construction early. as much as i want to move in ASAP, i also know it's not worth compromising quality for speed. and that's a lesson i have to apply to my work as well! so the current plan is he'll do his best to be fast within reasonable limits, but the understanding is that the house will be ready for move-in by mid- or end-january. that's still within what i prepared my aunt for, so i think it'll all be good.

now that worries about loans and debts are temporarily overshadowed by the excitement of the sale going through, i'm looking at things to get for the house. based on the list of items i've come up with so far, it seems that there's an even spread of items between living room, workstation, kitchen, bedroom, toilets, and common room. i'm still in two minds on whether i want to rent the common room out, and that's not so good because how i furnish it and allocate space will depend on what i want to use it for! although the number of items for the various zones appear to be equal, the cost definitely won't be. considering that i'm planning to get an adjustable-height desk and a new PC + monitor, the workstation will most likely eat up most of my funds. here's where i need to remember that some things can be bought at a later stage, while others can't. so, it's up to me to prioritize what to get first. can you imagine if i bought a shiny new computer but not a bed!? on a related note, i'm planning to head over to JB with scary JC friend to get some essentials - light fixtures and bulbs, maybe shower/toilet fixtures as well. with luck, they'll have other things for cheaper there. the desk i have my eye on costs $300 in singapore; would be awesome to get it for the same numerical value in ringgit!

things are looking ok at work...word on the grapevine is that 9/12 people in my cohort passed probation, while the remaining 3 did not. i know 2 people definitely got their probation extended, but not sure about the last one. that person's a bit of a loner and doesn't really socialize with us. anyway, i still appear to be on track to hit this year's KPI target. not sure about the accelerated promotion track at this point. i mean, if we're purely going by numbers, i'm definitely in the risky zone, if not plain behind. but perhaps i'm thinking of this wrongly. see, i had a more in-depth chat with my mentor about how the next 3 months are going to be like, while i'm still under her care. she told me that she wants me to handle cases exactly the same as what i've been doing so far, ie. doing everything by the book, and not using some company-sanctioned shortcuts. while younger, rasher me might have argued that it wouldn't help my numbers, older me knows that this will put me in better stead for when i'm working independently.

she also mentioned that my strategy of aiming for the same number of points every month was not exactly correct, because one of my assumptions was wrong - the assumption being that i'll continue to work at the same efficiency forever. if i'm really learning from each case and putting what i learn to use in subsequent cases, i should get better and better, which also means faster and faster. so, plotting my points earned per week shouldn't give me a horizontal line. the line should at least have a positive gradient, or ideally be exponential. translating the technical terms into layman speak, i should go slower now and make sure i'm solid, before speeding up over time.

october is shaping up to be a pretty good month! i have both a work meeting (where my confirmation will most likely be announced) and my secondary school's 90th anniversary dinner next monday, SRC is due to be in singapore next week, and the JB trip is most likely planned for the end of the month. looks like my plan to escape for a short retreat to batam will have to be pushed later. or maybe i should plan for a cruise! while the memory of my first-ever cruise is now kind of tainted due to who i went with, i did enjoy myself. and to be fair, he still seemed to be in love with me then. i kind of want to do another cruise, but perhaps with less eating this time. i'll leave that for future me. maybe when my mentor or group lead is away for the school holidays?

-random thought of the day: Waiting is the hardest part.-

Kind of tired/lethargic today. guessing that it's because of the weird dream i had last night, and/or staying late at my aunt's place before walking home. i don't remember much about the dream, except that it happened in my secondary school building. i think they partitioned the existing classrooms to make room for more students. weird thing is there were girls in some of the classrooms - not something you'd expect to see in a boys' school!

after tuition yesterday, i met scary JC friend's interior designer friend (godbrother?) at the flat for a site visit so he could better see the condition of things and recommend what to change. based on our discussion, it seems that a lot more work is needed, more than i'd originally thought! thankfully, other than rewiring and hacking the wall, which will necessitate some additional work in the kitchen, most of it appears to be minor/cosmetic. he's going to give me a tentative quote first, then we'll find time to sit down together and decide what to add or remove. thankfully, he's well aware of my budget and i'm sure that he'll give me good value on account of scary JC friend. that's one relationship we both don't want to mess up.

while taking the bus back after that, i received a message from my aunt to update me on 2 drastic changes. (1) my first aunt wants to move back to marine parade; (2) my fourth aunt, whose name the marine parade flat is under, refuses to use singpass and thus the sale of the flat can't continue. i think this kind of solidifies a hypothesis i have about the mental problems that run in that side of the family. see, both my first and fourth aunts haven't been getting much intellectual stimulation for at least the past 20 years. to my knowledge, the former has not held a job for as long as or longer than i've been alive, and the latter did menial (brainless) work like assembly line worker in factories in her younger days but hasn't been working for the past 15 years or so. compare this to my way more sane second and third aunts, who have healthy social interactions and are occupied by work or other things! i'm starting to see that i can't retire early. or even if i do, i need to keep my brain stimulated so that my mental condition doesn't deteriorate.

back to the main point, that throws a wrench into my timeline as HDB is still processing the paperwork. the earliest i'll be able to move in is at the end of this year, and that's only under the assumption HDB is super efficient and finishes their checks ahead of schedule, plus the renovations take less time than projected. realistically, we're looking at a mid- or even end-january move-in date after taking HDB's timeline and renovations into account. hopefully it'll be before CNY next year, because i understand that the contractors will usually take 2 weeks off on either side of CNY, ie. nobody will be available for work for that month. good thing that CNY is in mid-february next year, so we have until end-january to complete renovations. as long as HDB doesn't stall (for too long), we should be good.

with that in mind, i went to talk to my aunt yesterday to see if there was anything i could do. it seems that the plan now is to eventually have my first and fourth aunts move back to marine parade, and sell my second aunt's tampines place where they're currently residing. problem is, my first aunt really wants to move back to marine parade. like, she'd be in here by now if it were at all possible. i'm willing to bet almost anything i own it's just so that she can have broccoli over again, but that's a topic for later discussion. right now, my aunt told me that she'll let me stay here until my place is ready, which is the best outcome i could possibly have hoped for. i'm just worried that my first aunt will throw a tantrum and she'll end up coming back here ahead of schedule. in that event, i may end up having to move to tampines. while i'll do it if it makes life easier for my third (and not first) aunt, i'd strongly prefer to avoid that mainly because the tampines place is so much further from the office. let's hope plan A still goes ahead, and i can just make one move from marine parade to my new place instead of two (marine parade to tampines, then tampines to new place).

i also found out exactly how paranoid my fourth aunt has become. the last time i saw her was maybe 2016? definitely during grad school and before JET. her mind is stuck in the past for some reason, specifically in the time when my cousins and i were young kids. it's obvious from the way she talked to us (nagged us, really). as bad as it sounds, i really think i haven't been missing out much in the period of non-contact. this was her before COVID, just to make it clear. now, she's paranoid to the point where she won't answer calls or install apps on her phone for fear of being scammed. she won't even trust my third aunt (her sister)! it really reminds me of those boomers who watch conspiracy theory videos on youtube and go down the rabbit hole so far that their whole perception changes. you know, "governments control their citizens by putting fluoride in tapwater" levels of conspiracy theory. i think it's sad when a person can't exercise critical thinking. again, it's not a question of educational level. it's more common sense than anything. to be fair, my fourth aunt also has the odds stacked against her. she was born with a noticeable cosmetic condition, and that severely affected (affects) her self-confidence and kind of amplified the reclusive tendencies. obviously, my grandfather didn't think getting something done about it was a priority, and here we are. it's unfortunate, because my fourth aunt is (or at least, used to be) really caring. i'm basing that off my interactions with her when i was a kid, but it's different now.

my aunt also told me how she's still bringing my first aunt to the hospital twice a week. my honest opinion is that she's doing too much. see, this is the grey area about owing people a debt of kindness again. from what i understand, my first aunt put my third aunt through university. so it can be argued that my third aunt owes her success to my first aunt. but knowing my third aunt's character, she's the kind of person who would still have done well for herself without a university degree. anyway, even if we take that into account, she's spent close to a million dollars on my first and fourth aunts over the past 30 years, and that's not even counting the intangibles yet. in my opinion, she's paid off her debt multiple times over. unfortunately, my aunt's kindness is both a strength and a weakness. i've told her on multiple occasions, especially after my first aunt threw tantrums, to just leave her in marine parade and let her rot...but she won't. it's not a nice thing to wish for, but with absolutely no guilt/remorse, i do hope that my first aunt passes on soon. putting it bluntly, she's been nothing but a burden even from my earliest memory. ideally, my fourth aunt would follow along shortly. this one i feel bad about because i don't think she's a bad person at heart, but her mental state is also too far gone.

on the walk home, i suddenly realized that there were some parallels between my first and fourth aunts' lives and my own. that led to thinking about how insecurity/inferiority has played a part in our lives, and if there is a genetic component to mindsets. see, my first aunt's husband passed away young, leaving her with a kid to raise. not easy under the best of circumstances. maybe she's been looking for love again, and when broccoli came along, she just clung onto him out of desperation and/or because he accepted her despite her being a single mother. i actually found out yesterday that they'd been married before, but had since divorced. as for my fourth aunt, her insecurity regarding the condition caused her to develop an inferiority complex, and i don't believe that she ever tried to date. these 2 approaches are things that i've considered at some point in the past, and seeing actual live examples in third-person view makes it even more clear how unhealthy they are. i guess the lesson for me here is that i need to be braver in putting myself out there, and not settle for anything less than what i deserve. easily said, because this is rational me writing the post. lovestruck me needs to come back to this for reminders!

hopefully, this arrangement will last. i wouldn't put it past my first aunt to take extreme measures just to move back here. i've already told my third aunt that in the worst case, i'd speak to my first aunt and use the skills i learnt from dealing with japanese bureaucracy to buy time by making her feel heard, but ultimately keeping things status quo. never thought that JET would be useful for this!

-random thought of the day: Feeling mildly bloated.-

Normally, after my compulsory in-office days of monday and tuesday, i'll work from home on wednesday just for a break and to reduce the fatigue from travelling to the office. this week, my group lead, whose in-office day happens to be wednesday, asked to meet me to have a chat about the whole career progression/promotion thing. couldn't turn her down, could i? especially when she's making time for me. perhaps it's also because i didn't sleep well last night, but i really felt out of it after lunch. thankfully wednesdays are end-at-4 days, so i left on the dot. how did people of ages past (ok fine, before COVID) survive working a full week in office!?

before talking about the chat we had, i should give some background information. the way my company measures KPI is by a point system. each case is worth a certain number of points, depending on complexity, job type, etc. for my area of expertise at least, i get between 0.5 to 1 point per case. the first year's target is X points (not saying the exact number for fear of giving myself away), and it increases with every year.

with the old system, the requirement for promotion was to hit 1.2X points in any rolling 12-month period. very doable, just submit maybe one more case per week on average, and it's in the bag. promotion could come as quickly as 18 months into the job! the change announced on monday was that we have until the end of next year to hit 1.45X points in a rolling 12-month period in order to be promoted. i was viewing it as an increase of almost 50% compared to this year's target, but one of the seniors gave me a different perspective. he said that since my target next year was already going to be 1.2X, the promotion benchmark only increased another 25% from my new target. it makes me feel better, in a way? seems more achievable, at least.

the alternative to not being promoted by this date is what the higher-ups are calling a "reassignment" to a fancier title, but at the same pay grade, ie. mainly or completely a feel-good thing. HR was also unable to tell us if there'd be a salary increment. you'd think they'd have thought this through before dropping the bomb on us! promotion is still possible along this track, just that you'll be stuck at a lower pay and not getting all the bonuses of the higher pay grade for 2-ish years. by no means the end of the world, but who likes having a promotion delayed?

my cohort worked it out over lunch, and we figured out that the best strategy for us to push for promotion would be to accumulate 1.45X points from now to the end of next september, get the promotion process started (it takes 3 months), and start 2027 at the next rank. the 2 main downsides are having to produce more output, and the first target to hit at the next rank is 1.82X, which represents another 25% increase. but because the base number is higher now, the absolute value of the 25% will be higher than before.

given how big a decision this is, i've consulted my mentor, group lead, division lead, and a trainer. their opinions are as follows:

mentor - it'll be tough with my current level of experience. not impossible, but i should prepare to work overtime and/or on weekends to keep pace while producing work of acceptable standard.

group lead - cases should complete more quickly after exiting mentorship due to the checks becoming less stringent, and it is precisely for that reason that i will have to take more responsibility for my own work and make sure i don't overlook anything.

division lead - it's possible, but not easy. he thinks i can do it.

trainer - do what's best for myself, at least try for it. more money never hurt.

the most important thing that my group lead and overall lead both said was that if i wanted to go for it, they'd support me. i'm talking about both kinds of support here, moral and tangible. feels good knowing that people have your back! my mentor didn't offer support outright, but that's only because mentorship is ending at the end of this year, and she won't be interacting very much with me after that. perfectly understandable. but i think that she'll still be available for questions, though with not as much hand-holding as she's doing now.

personally, i think i want to push for it. it will mean suffering for at least the next 6 months, if not until this time next year. maybe it's a good thing i'm single now - no need to factor a partner into my planning. i'd also feel guilty for neglecting them! based on my probation KPI, which i met while undergoing multiple revisions of cases with my mentor, sometimes delaying working on cases, and generally operating at an average of about 65% stress, hitting 1.45X seems doable. maybe i'll just convert saturday into a full workday - tuition first, then a few hours in office after that. actually, let's do a practical calculation. i need 1.45X points in a year, which is 12 months. subtracting a whole month for public holidays, leave, MC, whatever else have you, that means i'll need 0.132X points per month, or 0.033X points per week (assuming 4 weeks in a month). in more intuitive terms, that's submitting between 2-3 cases weekly, depending on their point value. not super impossible, but it will mean streamlining my workflow and not second-guessing myself as much.

oh, i got the confirmation letter by email today. along with becoming permanent staff, i got a slight pay bump. 2.2% of my base salary, which was below half of what i was hoping for and that i would have considered made up for my initial error in salary negotiations. that i kind of shortchanged myself is coming back to haunt me, but i should remember that i'm already lucky to find employment in this horrible job market. plus, my current salary isn't bad, just that i could have gotten more. add on to the fact that i don't have many extravagant wants, or dependents to support, and it's actually enough. need to break the conditioning of aiming to be the best/highest in everything. to look at it another way, i can use the desire for a more substantial salary increase as motivation to fight for direct promotion!

i've been eating well this week. japanese buffet yesterday, which was nice. i mainly focused on the sashimi, but tried some of the cooked dishes as well. i ate to the point where i didn't feel hungry today! skipped lunch and had a light dinner to make up for it. i'm meeting the guy who took me on a date last year, for a steak buffet tomorrow. guess who's not planning to eat on friday too!? this guy is also the one who introduced me to the most recent ex. i bear him no ill will, and i'm actually quite looking forward to telling him the whole story. he knows a few snippets, and he already seems disgusted. maybe you can call this playing the victim and winning people over to my side. the way i see it, i was indeed the victim, and anyone with a functioning moral compass would be on my side anyway! but yes, i know not to get too caught up in the victim mentality. that impedes healing and learning.

-random thought of the day: Let the flat sale go smoothly!-