Might have jinxed myself...today's conversation with the guy led to my gold-digger sense twinging a little more strongly. but more importantly, what he brought up before ending the call to go to sleep led to feelings of insecurity. as usual, let's go one by one.

so i've mentioned he has expensive taste. and he's a bit...materialistic? i don't know if that's being too harsh. like recently he's taken to asking me to buy him things. shoes, perfume, skincare products, underwear, to name those i recall off-hand. i don't know if it's 讲讲而已 (just saying it for fun) or how serious he's being. whatever it is, i can't help but feel that the financial imbalance is being highlighted. we've also very casually talked about going overseas together (not anytime soon, don't worry) and it concerns me that he may expect me to foot the bill for most things. i've already highlighted to him that i don't want a "sugar" relationship, because look at me! i'm hardly made of money. not that i'd be ok with it even if i had the finances, by the way. if it keeps up, i'm considering gently asking him to tone it down or only ask for things if he's serious about wanting me to buy them.

to be clear, it's not bad to want things. i think it only crosses into bad territory when someone forces others to buy things for them, especially if the things aren't necessities. just for full disclosure, i don't mind spending money on people i'm seeing. but there are 2 major factors - how much money, and what it's used for. like, i've already ordered grabfood to his place twice. he told me he's a little tight on money and hadn't really eaten on those days. for things like that, sure. food is essential, i know my money is serving a good/useful purpose, and therefore i'm happy to do it. but perfume and all that other stuff...major second thoughts.

financial imbalance can lead to other imbalances as well. i really don't want it to be the case where he expects me to pay for everything all the time. also, perhaps this is my own horrible judgmental self speaking, but paying for him all the time sounds too close to a "sugar" relationship for my comfort. this is all very early stage, of course, and i may be worrying for nothing. but we'll have to have a serious conversation if we decide to commit. something that i read on reddit (seriously, is there any topic that site doesn't cover!?) was that if/when we decide to commit, it becomes a team effort and "our money" instead of "my money and his money". we're still some ways away from that, but it's good to have an idea of what to do for the future. i also think it's because i'm not drawing any income now, that makes me more conscious of my financial state and unwilling to spend on what i deem as frivolous things. it'll probably get better once i land a job.

the second thing, however...oh boy. i don't remember how it came up, but long story short, he asked if i'd be ok with him meeting other guys for physical intimacy while i'm still abroad. not full-on sex, he says, but things like being in close proximity, maybe sleeping together in the same bed, touching, other activities? i found myself at a loss as to how to respond. it's the kind of thing where you lose no matter what you answer. if i said yes, i'd have to bear with the gnawing feeling of exclusion this early into the relationship/interaction, which doesn't bode well to me. granted, he did bother to bring it up, and i'm overseas now. if i said no, it would make him unhappy/resentful. he told me that he wouldn't do that if i were in singapore, so...yay? maybe it's a poor impulse control thing, but personally i don't see the difficulty of waiting out the month. our situations are different, of course; he'd recently broken up, and here you have mr. single for almost 7 years who's used to no intimate contact. i think our current understanding is that he'll tell me about anything he did when the time is right. on my part...i'll take him at his word. no point thinking too much and being all suspicious, right? that only harms my mental state.

putting the two things together, this guy is asking me to buy him stuff while wanting to get physical intimacy from other people. is it me or does it sound like i'm being played for a fool when it's put that way? yes, i know the circumstances are a little bit out of the ordinary. i guess the question then is, can i accept this? maybe. i think this is something that we'll have to revisit, or it may disappear after i go back.

good news! a singapore IP firm just got in touch. they seem keen to organize an interview, so i'm hoping the one-month delay won't be an issue. it's kind of hard to tell with hiring and screening processes, isn't it? i've also thought about taking the GDIP (graduate diploma in intellectual property) instead of PGDE, if i'm committed to an IP career. on the plus side, the GDIP is heavily subsidized by the government...i think the total fees are under SGD 20 000? the self-funded PGDE isn't subsidized, i guess in order to make more candidates sign the bond and teach for 3 years. i still feel kind of reluctant to pay for the GDIP myself though, because IP firms will typically put their trainees through it after a year or two of service. why pay for something when you can get it for free? well...i guess we'll see how things go.

one thing that occurred to me is that i haven't really been applying for jobs in a smart/strategic way. you know that one thing from the 7 habits, begin with the end in mind? i don't seem to be doing that. or rather, my end seems to be vague. if i put it into words, it'd look something like "earn enough money to retire comfortably". it doesn't hit any of the SMART goal criteria at all. a future task for me is to sit down and really plan out my life at various stages, eg. 1, 3, 5, 10 years from now. i know i kind of did a similar thing in the past, but that was quite unspecific as well. this time, i'll come prepared with figures which will help me to...figure (sorry) out how much i should be aiming to earn and save. at the same time, job hunting is kind of a numbers game. the more things you apply for, the more likely you'll get a positive result. it's a balance between both, i guess. but yes, the fact remains that sometime in the near future (probably after securing a job), i have to sit down for a serious session of future-planning.

-random thought of the day: How do I prep for Wednesday's interview?-

I've got an interview! the chemical consultancy company said i'd passed the aptitude test. the response came a week after my submission, which i find to be an acceptable turnaround time. i'm scheduled to go down to their office in london for an interview and another test next week. i'm worried because they said it's the first interview, implying that there'll be at least a second interview. also they gave 6 timeslots to choose from, implying that there are a decent number of candidates. well, i'm just going to go in and do my best.

thankfully, this company has a singapore office as well. i've been reconsidering my decision to work in london due to rent and other costs. the budding relationship is just another point in singapore's favour. in all the possible ways this could play out, i suppose being offered the job but for london only will make me feel the worst. in case that comes to pass, would i turn the offer down? well, i'd try my hardest to negotiate for a singapore position. should that be impossible...i think i will end up passing on this opportunity. is it a stupid decision to give up a potentially good job offer for a shot at love? the balls post says no, but my rational brain and bank account don't agree. to be fair, this relationship is still in the very early stages, and there's no guarantee that it'll last. i suppose the "what if?" is strong here. and yes, i'm putting a huge cart in front of my tiny horse. there's no guarantee that i'll be even offered the job!

gave one of the tuition places a call earlier this morning, to discuss a potential opening. the HR staff was nice, and told me that all teachers are expected to have a 6-level portfolio. what this means is that a teacher's teaching load is spread across 6 levels. for example, primary 1 to 6, or primary 5 and 6 plus sec 1 to 4. there are intermediate options too, i think...like P3 to sec 2? whatever it is, i don't want to teach primary school. teaching mindless english was fine, but not my area of specialty. i can't use my teaching style to its full potential because i joke around and make suggestive comments. not blatantly and not directed at the students, mind you. sometimes, just the insinuation of something NC16 or M18 makes them remember better. it usually improves the mood by getting the kids to laugh, too! i remember one session with a sec 2 bio class, we were going through answers and it was those "fill in the blanks" questions. we had a blank with a helping initial letter - D. so with no deep thought or sinister intent, i casually said "who knows what the D word is?" and the whole class of girls broke out into giggles. lucky it didn't go beyond that! anyway, the point is i can't do that for primary school kids, and teaching them won't be as fun. my friend/contact there was surprised to hear the 6-level portfolio policy, as he's teaching secondary-only. makes me think the place is trying to squeeze more out of new/returning hires, which makes me a little more cautious.

had a shower thought yesterday. i think a bad habit of mine in relationships is that i put my partner on a pedestal. that inherently makes the dynamic uneven because i'm more eager to please for fear of them ending things, and thus i'm in the "weaker" position. i feel like i need to work for the other party's love, while i'm giving my love away freely. does that make sense? granted, my experience with the ex has warped my sense/perception of love balance. since i don't know the other party's perspective, i'll just have to take them at face value. this guy says he never breaks promises nor lies, so i'll hold him to it.

speaking of this guy, he's been telling me all about what cars he wants, how much his skincare costs, and how broke he is, among other things. similar to the ex too, gift-giving and receiving is a strong love language for him. my gold digger alarm would have been triggered, except that he mentioned that he wasn't expecting me to buy him anything he told me about. my reflex thought: 'then tell me for what!?' it could be his way of sharing his likes and dislikes, as a way for me to get to know him better. i feel like i should talk more about myself too; the conversation has been a little one-sided. yet, he seems to want to talk about himself more? might be an immaturity thing or we have to find a balance. the positive sign is that he hasn't cut me off to redirect the conversation back to himself...yet.

it's only been a week. still feeling good about it. very certain that it's still the puppy love phase. part of me just wants to go back to singapore to meet him face-to-face. all in good time. i'm still questioning how serious this relationship is, because it defies logic that a guy like him would give a guy like me a shot. but that's just my perspective. and humans are known for defying logic anyway - most movies will show you that!

-random thought of the day: Give me some positive progress!-

The introduction of a potential relationship has thrown a small wrench into the plans, as expected. but let me talk a little about the relationship itself first, just to look at it with fresh eyes.

to start, it's nice! we've been texting every day, and calling each other pretty frequently too. i've found myself staring at his face when we video call, and just smiling. looks aside, he's got quite a bubbly personality, and he's wise beyond his years. we're clear that although i have more spending power due to the age difference, it's not a transactional thing (ie. not sex for money or anything like that). having said that, i'd be happy to foot the bill and perhaps even get him stuff a little more often just because i like him. we appear to be in sync for the important things we've discussed so far - conflict resolution, (some) future plans, love languages. i'm hopeful!

at the same time, i'm aware that it's still too soon to be certain of anything. he's young, so the chance of him meeting someone better or more suited to him is higher. he's assured me that he's the monogamous sort, and i'll take his word for it unless/until proven otherwise. also, he's got better "条件" (the literal translation would be "means", as in "ways and means" or "means to an end") - qualities that make him attractive to others (like looks, age) than i do, so that's something that i'll have to deal with internally. won't rule out the possibility of having to fight competitors off, either! hopefully it won't come to that.  also, it's not even been a week, so we're still kind of feeling each other out. one of us may decide that the relationship isn't going to work for whatever reason and call it off.

based on our current interaction so far, my opinion is that mature as he is, he's still got some growing up to do. nothing wrong with that, it's a natural part of life's journey. i guess the next hurdle will be actually meeting him in-person once i go back to singapore. it's my insecurities speaking here, but a part of me just thinks/worries he's going to see me and nope out of everything. i will believe him to be a better person than i currently give him credit for. interestingly, he casually mentioned that he's bi, and that he was dating a girl 2 exes ago. it doesn't bother me exactly, though it did make me wonder if i'll have competition from girls as well. sidetrack: i kind of believe that if someone's going to cheat, they will cheat regardless of who they're attracted to. at the same time, i'm worried that the "cheating pool" will be twice as large because both genders are possibilities. does that make sense?

it just feels like i have a bunch of unresolved issues from the ex. the fact that i worry about this new guy potentially being unable to love me because i don't look good enough is proof of that. i guess i never really addressed my personal insecurities/issues after our breakup in 2017. instead, i just buried them while i went about with life - writing my thesis, graduating, doing the IP thing, getting depressed, and JET. the way to overcome this (as jedi master once told me) is to get out there and date more, until i discover self-confidence/self-love and don't give a damn about what others think. haven't really done that because of the rural placement on JET, and also because i'm not super on board with like making a dating profile or stuff like that due to my easily-traceable name. how to put myself out there like that!? wonder if i'm overthinking it. after all, it's often said that people pay less attention to you than you think they do. another thing people say is that you get the love you think you deserve. so i'm going to be a bit more...assertive? no. demanding? no. i guess the easiest way to say it is i'm not going to settle for less.

so with this wrench in the works, it appears that overseas plans will be shelved. temporarily, at least. he did mention that he's not big on LDRs, so being in separate countries is a no-go, at least for the first year if not more. this current thing doesn't count, because i have a return date in about a month. about that...since i've decided that the UK is no longer viable, why am i still planning on staying until end-august? air ticket prices, for one. they're still cheapest around end-august. also, my lease agreement is for 2 months. i COULD break it and forfeit my deposit, but it would be more costly overall. and i'm also kind of irrationally hoping that the chemical consultancy company will call me in for an interview while i'm still here. if they do, i can ask about working from their singapore office instead.

reminder to self: at this point, i don't consider teaching to be a long-term career for me. it's a stepping stone to get residence/PR/citizen in australia and/or new zealand. my singapore job applications don't look that rosy, though. i've heard that employers sometimes take a month or more to get back to candidates, so we're still within that timeframe. the thing that i would hate the most to happen is for singaporean companies to be calling or SMS-ing me now, while i'm not able to receive them! but surely any HR person worth their salt would try emailing as well, right? ...i don't know, but i'd sure hope so!

-random thought of the day: This guy's a bit brand conscious. Is that a youth thing?-

Walked to and from town today to get some stuff, and took the opportunity to reflect on my current situation and future plans. as if i haven't been doing that enough recently, right? but thinking while walking is different...something about activating more areas of the brain simultaneously or something? regardless, i've got a few revelations.

first of which is that perhaps the UK is not for me. i enjoy the weather here, but other aspects of life are meh at best. cost of living is downright horrible. the job hunt hasn't been going as well as i'd like, so that's perhaps another contributing factor. my updated plan is to poke some firms that i've applied to. if none of them offer me anything, then i'll head home by end-august or mid-september, depending on how the lease negotiations go. as a reminder, the places that i have the most hope for now are a university, a london IP firm, a manchester IP firm, and the consulting firm that i took a test for. anything outside of these 4 are a bonus. oh, i forgot to mention the test that the consulting firm had me take. i overthought it! it wasn't an IQ test or anything like that. it was actually a writing test, explaining my qualifications and how they were relevant. how does that measure aptitude, anyway? not sure how i'll do or if they'll pass me, but i wrote as i normally do. hope they think it's good enough.

by leaving the UK early and returning to singapore with nothing to show for it, it kind of feels like i failed in this adventure. that's one way of looking at it, but the way i choose to view it is from a learning perspective. perhaps i'm not ready to fly completely solo, and i should have made more detailed preparations before coming in, particularly in securing accommodation and deciding on a base. seems stupid that i spent about SGD 6000 on the visa alone to learn this lesson, but hey - it's only money. the time of 2-ish months isn't that bad either. i guess i could view this as a trial period/holiday. my quality of life is actually better than it would have been in singapore! especially since july/august tends to be hot(ter than usual).

next is regarding future jobs. i know i kind of did it in the last post, but that was quite general talking about the possible paths. today, i want to focus in on the exact possibilities of work that i have in each country.

australia/NZ

teaching will definitely have to come first, until i get either NZ or australian PR. well, that's not entirely true. the NZ straight to residence visa supposedly allows me to work in any job, but that could be a phrasing problem. assuming that they mean i have to work in the same job as the one i used to apply for the visa, that will be a minimum of 2 years teaching, by which time i can apply for NZ PR where i am 100% sure i can do any job i want. from NZ PR, it'll be another 5 years until NZ citizen, for a total of 7 years (42 years old).

considering the australia path, the earliest time i could possibly apply for australian PR would be after obtaining my NZ teaching certification. factoring in processing time, the earliest i could possibly get it would be 2-3 years later. the other extreme is getting NZ citizenship, which will allow me to work and live in australia as if i had PR...so 7 years. and then australian citizenship comes 4 years after that, which will make me 46 years old at the earliest. of course, there are interim options like applying for australian PR and waiting 4 years to apply for citizenship, so it could happen anywhere from 6 to 11 years later.

for both these countries, i can do anything i want after getting the appropriate visa. is 40+ too late to start in IP? other things i'm considering are university admin, maybe continuing teaching, or some other technical/administrative role.

UK

similar to australia/NZ, i don't have much choice. or to put it more accurately, i don't want to seek out more choices. if any of those 4 places mentioned earlier offers me something, i would have to request for sponsorship earliest immediately, latest by the time my current visa ends in march 2027. honestly, i'm not too keen on the university job now, because there's a research component. but assuming i like whatever job i get and want to continue living in the UK, i can apply for PR (they call it ILR here - indefinite leave to remain) after being on a work visa for 5 years (my current visa doesn't count to skilled worker ILR)...so the earliest date would be 2029 (41 years old). citizenship can be applied for as soon as 1 year after getting ILR status provided a total of 5 years has been lived in the UK. in my case, that will be 2030 (42 years old) earliest. that's easier than i thought! i guess the waiting period is front-loaded for the UK - hard(er) to get PR, easy(ier) to get citizen vs the opposite for australia and NZ.

singapore

tuition-related jobs seem to be the most promising for now. i have 3 prospective places who appear to be willing to take me on. one is the old tuition place i worked at before JET, another is my friend's place, and the third is the place where i had the part-time gig working from japan. am i venturing down the education/teaching track after all? separately, i've got a bunch of applications with chemical companies for a variety of roles. more interesting jobs include the chef/baker one, plus a few lab manager/research coordinator roles. not forgetting the publishing one as well, but i'm disinclined to it at the moment.

the most major swing i could potentially make will be to business, aka. the search fund thing. the way my cousin explained it to me sounds like it's so awesome, you can start earning $150 000 per year right off the bat (that's $12 500 per month!), the contact will give you a list of firms to choose from and you choose the one(s) you think you can do. my personal opinion is that it's too good to be true...this version of the pitch is, anyway. there needs to be more balance - explaining the risks, potential pitfalls, worst-case scenarios, and a realistic earnings projection. although honestly, even 50% ($75 000 a year) would be pretty good! i think i'd take this plus a tuition thing on.

regardless of what role i take, i feel that i need to do more extensive future planning for singapore. not saying that i don't need to for the other countries, but it's especially important because of HDB prices and stuff like that. the option of earning enough money to fund my GDE in new zealand still exists, in which case i'll be working in singapore for a year-ish, possibly less if i save hard and NZ allows a mid-year start.

this uncertainty sucks. i'd really rather companies tell me no outright rather than leaving me on "read". in a way, a refusal hurts less than being in limbo, because at least the company respects you enough to tell you about their decision instead of stringing you along. i know more than a few companies practise the "if you don't hear from us within X weeks, please consider your application unsuccessful". that's so lazy and uncaring! if i'm ever in a position to hire for a role, i'll make sure unsuccessful candidates get an email notice at the minimum, ideally plus feedback on why i didn't go with them. sometimes i wonder if recruiters/HR ever experienced ghosting themselves!

just for full disclosure to be honest to myself and the maybe 3 readers who follow me, i should mention that another variable has entered the fray. that variable is in the form of a guy. remember the guy from final fantasy who's a full zodiac cycle younger than me? it's not him. this new guy is even younger. we're keeping it online for now, because he's still in singapore. he told me that he's had so much heartbreak that he'll settle for the first guy who comes along and treats him right. the word "settle" made me think of the ex. not the best start. nevertheless, this guy appears to be mature for his age and sincere in his desire to find a partner, so we decided to give it a shot. i'm actually quite surprised, because he was the one who suggested it.

as for the probability of this relationship becoming "the one", it's still too early to say. going by the success rates of relationships with large age gaps, the odds are low, let's put it that way. still, dismal odds aren't zero. that's also why i proceeded with the UK thing, right? although if i didn't, i'd probably have enough funds to go for the GDE right after JET. but if i hadn't come to the UK, i might not have been despondent enough to consider teaching as a real, viable path. so...who knows. at the end of the day, things happened the way they did and i've got to learn from the lessons offered by each experience.

i know i mentioned changing citizenship a lot, always from singapore to another country's. out of curiosity, i went to find out the process of acquiring singapore citizenship. it's confusing, to say the least. on paper, it's easy. the conditions are laid out quite plainly. upon delving deeper, i read about people who grew up in singapore as PRs, went through the education system all the way until graduating from a local university, and still being denied citizenship. i've also heard of people who came to singapore to work, got through screening with fake degrees, then applying for and getting it eventually, finally moving their whole village in. the village thing is metaphorical, of course...but you know what i mean. i still don't agree with the immigration policy that the government is pursuing. at the risk of sounding like an insular MAGA (MSGA?) moron, i think we should exercise way better quality control than we do now.

i won't deny that this relationship has made me rethink some of my plans. he's not likely to be able to move with me to new zealand until many years later, so the timeline will have to be adjusted. that's assuming he's ok with migrating in the first place! based on what i know, his industry (fashion) doesn't seem to be big in NZ. maybe the prospect of having potentially found true love will convince me to do the singapore thing. it's hard to say. the plan right now is to keep an open mind and make reasonable accommodations for this developing...relationship? interaction? the one thing i absolutely must avoid at least for now is to plan my life around it. hoping logic prevails.

-random thought of the day: Walking felt good, but my legs are sore.-

Retired cousin gave me a lot to think about regarding future plans. but before that, i think i have to address some (possibly subconscious) hang-ups i have about my job/career/future. based on my trends in job application so far, i think my actions aren't exactly congruent with my (perceived) wants. i should delve a little deeper into it, just so i can make the best decisions for myself.

to start, let me restate some attributes of my desired job.

high priority (must have)

"non-dirty" job - no sewage, wading through water, hardcore lab work

something less stressful, decent work-life balance

clear career progression map

mentally challenging/stimulating

supportive boss, good colleagues

decent commute (an hour each way tops, in smooth traffic)

high enough pay to have significant savings every month

neutral priority (good to have but can do without)

opportunity for physical activity

managerial/leadership opportunities (not yet, at least)

working from home/flexi-time arrangements

other perks (gym, parking, nice pantry, etc.)

short/walkable commute

various allowances (car, house)

negative priority (totally unimportant, might even avoid)

overly high rank in a big place

too-fancy office

social events after work

company outings, team-building, etc.

as for type of work, i feel like i'm pretty open/flexible? i have (had?) hang-ups about working in sales, but i think that i have to change my perspective. as long as i don't exploit customers or be dishonest to them, sales is a perfectly legitimate career. i'm comfortable working both solo or in a team. nationality isn't that big of a deal either, as long as we can communicate. this is one of those times i'm grateful to have been born in singapore. learning/using english from a young age really gives an advantage! i can't imagine a typical japanese person having access to the same opportunities as i do.

now, time to address some inconsistencies in my thinking. this is largely based on my self-perception, so it will probably differ from what you think of me. i kind of wonder if i've been letting how i think others view me influence my choices in terms of jobs to apply to.

1. i should be doing something "more" - greater, more impactful, more prestigious

this is probably my ego speaking, plus society's perceptions. i guess society makes phd holders out to be super geniuses and highly respected. most people think that once you're addressed as dr. something or prof. something, your life is set. companies will be queueing round the block to throw obscene amounts of money at you and you'll never want for anything again. that's not true, by the way. i know from first-hand experience. but it does feel like i'll have wasted the additional 5 years after my bachelors if i don't do something "bigger" than what a bachelors graduate would be able to do, you know what i mean? yes, i know this isn't good thinking because (1) i discovered things about myself, (2) i was paid for most of it, (3) the degree still does open doors for me.

on a more personal level, i want to do something significant. that's a very vague term. significant to society, significant to me personally, significant in that there are tangible positive outcomes. maybe not on the level of "win a nobel prize", but i want to contribute at a high level to something bigger, something worthy of my talents. i know it sounds conceited, but i don't know how else to phrase it.

i know this next worry is unfounded, but i do have some concern that people i know will be all like "huh? you study so much then do this only?" "this" here referring to whatever unglamorous job i may eventually take. and to be 100% honest, schoolteaching/tutoring falls into that "unglamorous" category in my mind. it's like, i should be at least teaching at the university level with my phd, right? on the flipside, i know that it's great marketing for any education place to employ a phd holder, so perhaps that will tip the scales in my favour a little. also, i've heard of cases where doctors trained in developing countries go to first-world countries and work as nurse techs/operation room assistants because their qualifications aren't recognized. my situation pales in comparison to theirs.

2. i should make the most out of my degree and stick to science

considering that i was in NUS for about a quarter of my life chasing after 2 degrees, this makes sense to me. also, as i enter the second half of my 30s, i'm kind of reluctant to transition into something completely new. learning computer programming now? not impossible, but the effort-payoff ratio is too high for me. while i'd love to stick to what i've been doing/carry on from my studies, i've learnt that i don't like research. the furthest i'm willing to go in a lab now is carrying out routine/known procedures that are constantly repeated. greatly reduced chance of failure and frustration. that's why i've been looking for science-related things, like IP, lab manager, teacher (only recently). basically more office-based roles.

3. i'm growing old(er) and letting time pass me by

this is not so much of a hang-up as it is a worry. i feel like i'm still floundering, not knowing what i want to do. i've mentioned before how my peers are more successful - or at least, they have it more together than i do. of course, i don't know how happy they really are so it's not definite. still, it's the appearance that matters, right? i still feel like i don't have very many interesting stories to tell. but it's kind of like tickling yourself - you don't feel it because you know it's you. same for storytelling - i was there, so i'm familiar with what happened, and guess i kind of assume other people saw it through my eyes as well. have to change that mindset.

4. i lack confidence in science

kind of going against points 1 and 2 here, but after the accursed IP firm and 5+(!) years away from research due to depression and JET, i'm quite nervous about stepping into science again. of course, i'm confident that i'll be able to pick up the technical stuff quickly as long as it's not too far removed from me. it's the thought of failing and/or not being good at it. maybe that's why something like lab management is appealing to me - able to remain in science, but not hardcore science. but i figure if i land a chemist job, i'll adapt.

5. teaching isn't for me

this comes partially from part 1 (doing something more significant) and my JET experience. scary JC friend mentioned that teaching is impactful, in the sense that i have the opportunity to influence the next generation. i guess my hang-up here is that i can't see the results immediately or even in the near future. strange, because i know i can do delayed gratification. i guess the addition of factor #2 (teaching is something that others can do as well) tips that balance.

hopefully i can rationalize past these things and/or the benefits of moving abroad will be more attractive. i haven't really thought of strategies to deal with these things, maybe in a future post?

*updated* 6. teaching is the only path for a chemistry grad

this memory came to me as i was walking around today (monday). back in uni days, it was a kind of running gag that most people in the science faculty were bonded to MOE. and it didn't help that the same conversation of "what are you studying? chemistry ah? going to become teacher is it?" would play out with all my relatives every CNY. to add to that, there was a bet/challenge with the bowling group back in undergrad or early grad school, so somewhere in the range of 2009 and 2013/4. basically, my (now deceased) coach said that i would end up in a teaching-related job after graduation. i don't know if the time spent at the accursed IP firm counts in saying that he lost the bet, but i guess i was involved in teaching after that and because of the tuition place (part-time doesn't count, right?). so perhaps there's some additional internalized stigma towards teaching that i subconsciously carry.

just to present my thoughts more clearly (and also because i have new knowledge), i figure i should sort the plans by country and update on them. naturally, this is subject to even more change in the future. some paths have minor variations too, but i won't go into too much detail there.

australia/NZ

- 1-year GDE in teaching in NZ, teacher registration, straight to residence visa, PR, citizen(?)

- following obtaining NZ teacher qualification, apply for australian PR (wait time up to over a year)

- following obtaining NZ citizenship, live and work freely in australia (takes about 8 years)

- eventually obtain australian citizenship (from 6 to 13 years)

- take the search fund route, get a residence visa by investment (not sure if it's still viable now, with the changes in immigration law)

- marry an australian/NZ citizen (unlikely, but never hurt to hope!)

UK

- get a job in IP, qualify and continue here or go back to singapore (still required to take 1 paper)

- same as above, but part-qualify in the UK and pursue full qualification in singapore

- (if i get the consultant chemist job) continue staying in the UK or work from singapore

- get some other job, work here short-term, then go back (or accumulate funds then go to NZ)

- marry a UK citizen (the plan with the worst odds)

singapore

- work as anything

- work as a chemist for a year, express interest in australian PR, ??? (low odds)

- start a business (i have a very preliminary idea for a tuition agency)

- do the search fund thing

- work for about a year to get funds, do the NZ teacher thing

- (even weirder idea) train as a counsellor

i'll probably blog about it in more detail next time, but i think the path of: work for a bit in singapore (or the UK, if a job comes through) to accumulate funds, then go for the NZ GDE is the most likely scenario now. of course, barring any unforeseen restrictions or changes to the migration policy. because of that and how feasible it seems (money aside), not to mention the apparent high payoff-to-effort ratio, i have this feeling of wanting to do it RIGHT NOW. but haste makes waste. among other tasks, i still need to apply to the program, figure out the visa, settle accommodation, and budget for all those plus the cost of living there. since choosing this route will probably be the biggest decision i've made since choosing to go on JET, i really have to think it over carefully. there's a lot at stake in terms of both money and time, and i'm quite limited in both...especially the latter.

-random thought of the day: Maybe teaching might not be so bad?-

Job-hunting has driven me crazy, i'm certain of it. i spent most of today researching a very unconventional path...at least, unconventional for someone at my stage in life. it's also something that's quite low on my list of desired jobs. ready to hear what it is? it's...teaching. hang on, hear me out.

knowing that the PGDE route comes with a bond killed the NIE/singapore route for me. while i can go for a PGCE in the UK, it doesn't make much sense to do so - not unless i do it part time while working and intend to teach in schools here...both of which i'm not inclined to do. it was only today when the idea of looking towards australia and new zealand to obtain teacher qualification struck me. it's a bit harder in australia due to the longer study time and higher costs...but it seems perfectly doable in new zealand! based on my research, a one-year graduate diploma in teaching will lead to teacher certification and registration with the new zealand teaching council. the best part is, "secondary school teacher" is on their green list, meaning that i can fast-track a PR application. well, i say "fast-track", but it's still going to take 2 years minimum. and if by then i find that teaching is not for me, i can quit with (1) a PR in hand, (2) no repercussions! other benefits include transitioning to NZ citizenship, which will allow me to live indefinitely in australia.

of course, it's not all rainbows here either. for one, there is still a cost outlay. just the diploma alone is projected to cost about SGD 35 000. plus living expenses of about SGD 3000 a month all in (very rough figure), that's a bunch of money that i don't have. the time outlay too...at least new zealand PR is within reach after 3-ish years, and not potentially 5 years to never for australian PR. good news is if i settle on this course of action, i can get new zealand PR before turning 40! but to do that, i have to decide on a course of action within a relatively tight timeframe. see, the next PGDE intake for most education providers is early next year, and the cutoff date is in january. considering that i need time to arrange my ducks (visa application, IELTS, whatever other assessments and interviews), i would say that i can submit the application no later than mid-october. they'll probably decide either way by end-november, and visa application will take another 6 weeks, meaning mid-january before flying over in end-january or early february. it's kind of tempting, honestly.

reality check time. as with all things i've applied to so far, i have no guarantee of getting the place. even after that, i have no guarantee of getting a job! and i have no idea whether i'll like the job or not, although that is a minor concern. if i'm reading the terms and conditions right, i can work in any job once i get the residence visa. that's for future me to figure out. right now, present me needs to decide what to do. being a teacher will provide a comfortable life, but i'll never be crazy rich. i figure that's ok? after all, i don't have dependents. ideally a partner in the future, but i'd hope my partner would be able to provide for himself.

there's one more benefit about living in new zealand, and that is i'm closer to my support network. well...a part of it, anyway. i never realized that new zealand is an 11-ish hour direct flight away from singapore! it's closer than the UK in terms of distance. what makes the overall flight time longer though, is the low number of direct flights. that means transit time. and not forgetting getting to the airport in the first place, if i'm going to be somewhere rural. again, a future me problem. sorry, i went off topic. the reason i'll be closer to (part of) my support network is not the 1500km difference in distances between singapore and the 2 countries. it's because my newly-retired cousin is planning to move back to NZ? at least that's the impression i got from her blog. i haven't spoken to her about any of this yet, but it would be nice if we ended up driving distance away from each other. in the best-case scenario, it would be logistically feasible for me to rent a room from her or something. although the odds are low, i find myself disproportionately excited by it. time to manage expectations. considering how big the country is, i'm not holding my breath. let's not paint too rosy a picture.

so...what now? sleep, for one. i have that test tomorrow. haven't received details, which makes me antsy. i'll drop them an email at 9am if there's nothing heard by then. i'm going to give this postgrad cert thing some serious thought, because upon reflection, the UK thing was a bit of a wild decision. too many unknowns. even now, delving a little deeper into the requirements for the NZ study visa shows that i may not have enough money to prove the financial requirement. i'll figure something out.

-random thought of the day: Need clearer planning.-

Nearly got screwed by gmail! or maybe i did already, i don't know. turns out a UK company is/was interested in me, and had sent me an invitation to do an online screening. gmail directed that invitation to my spam folder. worst thing is i didn't notice it, because i use mail forwarding to see several accounts' worth of email in my main hotmail inbox. saves me the trouble of signing in to multiple locations every single time. that email came in on the 12th, and i replied today. that's 5 days. considering they took 10 days from my application to invite me for the screening, i don't think a 5-day wait is too bad? 2 out of the 5 days were weekend days, too! well, hopefully they get back in touch to coordinate further. i'd hate to miss out on that job, though - they have london and singapore offices, plus they pay quite handsomely!

the interview with the publishing company was...not good. as in, they didn't make a very good impression. i'd thought i'd be interviewing with the singapore office, but it was their HQ in china. this means i didn't get to meet my direct manager. there were 2 interviewers, and their english standard is questionable. also, the second interviewer asked me a few questions that the first interviewer already asked earlier in the session (both were present throughout the entire call). maybe it's to check for consistency in my replies? at any rate, i think i'll probably negotiate a little harder for salary/benefits if offered this role. again, that last part is the most crucial. i should hear back from them in a week or so.

separately, a university got in touch to say that the selection process was taking longer than usual, and that they'd update again soon. even though there wasn't much information, i'm grateful that they bothered to write at all! hopefully i'll know either way by the end of the month. this university is about 3 hours away from the airport, meaning that my escape route is a little longer, but i'll manage somehow if it comes to that. so many things have to fall into place before i can even think of escaping from that university job...(1) actually landing the job, (2) moving there, (3) living/working there long enough to know that i'm unhappy. still, i think it's somewhat comforting(?) to know that there is a way out within easy-ish access.

update: i wasn't too late! i'm set to take the test on friday. don't know what it's going to entail or what preparations i should make. the email said it's a remote screening test, the job description said it's an aptitude test. i hope it's not one of those IQ tests again. i realize that i'm ok with the wordy questions, but the picture-based ones (eg. what is the next picture in the sequence?) are hit or miss. i guess i'll do some practice tomorrow and see where that takes me. i should probably focus on analytical skills, since that was quite prominent in the job description.

being unemployed is the major influencer of my mood now. some days (like yesterday) are bad because i didn't hear from any companies and that makes me worry and question a lot of things. other days (like today) are good because there was tangible progress for a few applications. even though some/all of them may not lead to a new job, at least i have a clearer overall picture. i think i need a distraction from this job hunt. and with no source of income, i should be on the lookout for something cheap/free. walking around town might be nice. i have to get batteries for my mouse soon, anyway.

-random thought of the day: How long do job applications take these days?-

Feeling a little demoralized now, because i was passed over for the scientific affairs officer position. the recruiter told me that the company went with someone who asked for less pay and had more relevant experience. nothing i can really say to that, can i? i'm not upset about the rejection itself, so much as i am upset with the way it was delivered. after a (self-proclaimed) good interview, i asked the interviewer when i could expect to hear back from her. she replied, "tomorrow". the next day came and went, nothing heard. i reached out to the recruiter on monday, which is when i learnt of that decision. is the basic courtesy of informing a candidate about the decision too much to expect!? i understand to the company it's just one application in tens or maybe hundreds. to the candidate, it's literally a matter of livelihood...at least it is in my case.

going back to my grousing about job search difficulties from a few posts ago, i wanted to add on that i think i'm a good candidate by most measures. no drug problems or other addictions, decently smart and teachable, willing to go extra miles, so i think it's unjustified(?) that i've got to look so hard for a job. at the same time, i know nobody owes me anything. and maybe some people are just a better fit for a role than i am. that in turn makes me wonder what else i can do, what other experiences i can accrue, and most importantly, how to go about doing/accruing things.

this latest development isn't the end of the world, not by a long shot. i still have an interview with the publishing place on wednesday. it seems that i may not go for that job, because i've read bad reviews about the company from people in singapore who are/were in the role that i'm applying for. i will attend the interview to give it a chance, and at the same time see if the interviewers pass the vibe check. it's a two-way process, after all. even if one of us ends up rejecting the other, it's insignificant in the big picture.

at this point, i've honestly lost track of the exact number of applications i have going. it's confusing - jobstreet sometimes redirects me to other websites when i click "apply", then records that job as having been applied for regardless of whether i actually followed through. not to mention some companies advertise the same opening on multiple portals, and i apply for all of them. all that considered, i'd say i'm in the ballpark of 80 applications? probably still rookie numbers compared to other job-seekers, but it's not a competition. all any of us really needs is that one magical hit, kind of like drug discovery! and the best way to improve the odds of getting a hit is to expand the pool of leads, ie. apply for more jobs. in addition to the editor one (which i may not take even if it was offered now) and the development chef one, other interesting things i've applied for include a manager role at a local (singapore) university, several lab manager roles, several roles relating to food, a flavourist role that doesn't require specialized qualifications, and some other IP-ish roles as well. hopefully one of them will become my hit.

you know, i've been thinking whether it's viable to pivot away from chemistry. so many people are telling me that entrepreneurship is the way to go. personally, i think that i could go either way at this point - work for others or work for myself. it's quite paradoxical, isn't it? i don't have much on the line and can therefore afford to fail, yet i'm not grabbing life by the metaphorical reproductive anatomy. so many people have told me they wished they were as unburdened as i am. on the flipside though, i wonder if having more liabilities (a loan/mortgage to service, dependents to provide for) would actually make me work harder? like i'd feel more pressure to earn money/"succeed" and therefore take more action? i don't really know...and i don't think there's any way for me to find out. not sure i want to, either. probably boils down to the type of person you are.

today's end-on-a-good-note thing is that i'm grateful for jobstreet's updates even after application. like, they tell you that your application is with the company. and in events where there are mismatches, they further tell you that your application is not likely to be successful. mycareersfuture shows the status as well, but in a different way. they'll tell you if an employer has downloaded your resume, and if they've declined your application. you may think it odd that i'm grateful for bad news, but i see it as closure. it frees up my mental capacity to let me focus on active/new applications!

-random thought of the day: Almost time to look for new accommodations.-

Boy, negative things happen all at once, don't they? just today alone, i've heard/experienced 3 bad things. 2 are inconsequential, one is huge. i'll go from small to big.

first, there was some conflict in final fantasy. someone (not in the guild) was being willfully stupid in a dungeon. like i said a couple of times, i can forgive ignorance if it's acknowledged and remedied...but i can't deal with stupidity. there really are all sorts in the world. at least this isn't very bad, since i'll probably never interact with this person again.

number 2 was a small incident at the supermarket. i had to get an attendant's help for something and maybe i sounded irritated/impatient when she was re-scanning my stuff? whatever it was, she felt strongly enough about it to tell me "don't speak to me that way". i admit, i was taken aback because i don't think i spoke harsher/ruder than normal. but rather than pick a fight, i just let it go. younger me would probably have escalated the situation, so i've grown somewhat! it's also a culture difference, i guess. customer service staff in japan would never dream of confronting a customer in that way. it varies in singapore, i believe. staff in big chains would most probably suck it up, but those in smaller establishments would be more likely to fight back against perceived rudeness.

as you may know, i've been trying to do more reading on libby. one book i borrowed was "how to win friends and influence people". for a book that was first published in 1936, a lot of the advice still holds true today! i'm trying my best to put the lessons within into practice. you know, self-improvement and all. perhaps it's the cynic in me, but i kind of feel that it's a tiny bit doormat-ish. while i am increasingly of the belief it's a good idea to be the bigger person and avoid conflict regardless of who's right, i also know that in today's society especially, kindness or "soft" behaviour is often mistaken for weakness. just look at all the china chinese people who cut in the queue and only back off when someone (or a crowd) yells at them...and sometimes not even then! i guess the trick is to find a balance, assess the stakes of a potential confrontation, and stick up for yourself/others when needed.

the really bad thing is far removed from me, thank goodness. it's been a few months since i've mentioned this group of people, but do you remember the couple with drug issues? the latest development i heard is that the younger guy didn't get clean after all, nor did he even try, apparently. in fact, he got worse. i understand it was to the point where he tried to stab his husband in the neck with a knife when he (the husband) couldn't procure drugs. perhaps it's a good thing that i didn't get too involved with them! the husband is trying his best to secure the guy's freedom or at least get him into an environment where he can get treatment. but it seems that from the way he's saying things, the marriage is beyond salvation - mostly because of this, and also because there seems to be another guy in the picture. so complicated! i respect him for defending his husband (my friend/acquaintance) in court in spite of what went down.

the one thing i found a bit overdone was the way the husband phrased some things. he's got the classic american overconfidence/bravado plus a healthy dose of main character syndrome. not sure if i've mentioned this here, he's always saying "i'm a pilot, i have so many hours in a flight simulator"...which to me is like saying "i'm a soldier, i play call of duty every day". for context, the flight simulator is a home system. don't know how it compares to an actual plane or even a purpose-built simulator for training pilots, but i'm straying off the topic. he's making himself out to be the big self-sacrificial hero and a pro lawyer in this whole thing. i suppose he is the first thing to an extent. as for the second, he's either midway or less through law school now, so it's the exaggeration thing again. the plan for this is just to keep myself updated, maybe drop a message once in a while and see if there's a reply.

something i learnt from thinking fast and slow is that we tend to remember/be affected more by the most recent thing that happened to us. i kind of noticed it in JET; my positive experience was disproportionately brought down by the prefectural government saga. so, i'll do my best to end posts on a positive note from now on! today's plus point is that i decided to broaden my horizons (and loosen my purse strings) a bit more on my grocery run, and got 3 types of cheese! one of them tastes a bit too much like milk for me to eat alone, so i'm going to put it into scrambled eggs or an omelette. the others are a red leicester (which i've had luck with in the past) and a blue cheese. somehow, both the smell and the thought that i'm eating mould doesn't put me off. call me odd, but i kind of like strong-smelling food, even if it's ammonia-ish like from century eggs! speaking of which, i kind of miss century eggs. wonder how easy they'll be to get over here?

-random thought of the day: Got more atas regular eggs too.-

Giving myself a good pat on the back for what i think was an above-average interview performance, and handling of questions related to salary. i had the scientific affairs officer interview yesterday, and i think i managed to connect decently well with the interviewer. interestingly, her name was only one character removed from my first JET supervisor's, and considering our good relationship, i'm taking this as a positive sign. yes, i know there's absolutely no relation between two people of similar (or even identical) names, but it gives me some measure of comfort, i guess.

oddly, i found that the interview was more of a behavioural one than a technical one. like, i wasn't asked anything about my research or even science in general. i think the closest question was "can you describe how you handled a crisis in communication regarding something scientific which you'd written?" never having had that experience, my answer was no, but i did mention how i would deal with such a scenario if it happened to me. apart from that, the interviewer was very interested about my time in japan, and she highlighted that adapting to the rigidity of a japanese company might prove difficult for a foreigner. but she quickly followed up by saying that she didn't think it would be a problem for me, so i think that's a positive sign!

the strangest statement i remember was "as you know, we are a healthcare company, so we're concerned about our employees' health. as such, we do not allow smoking during office hours.". i mean, it's a non-issue to me considering that i don't smoke, but it did take me by surprise. it also made me wonder what else they would try to dictate about their employees' lives. i think i can accept most requests provided they're reasonable and within working hours. but if it's something like having to take a fitness test to be eligible for promotion, i think i'd pass (on the opportunity, not pass the test). hopefully this concern for employee health will translate to an awesome welfare package, like gym memberships, mental health days, and whatever else would count as being good for health. not going to get my hopes up too high there just yet, as i still haven't been offered the job. also, the job ad mentioned 100% in-office work, so there's that too.

my experience in salary negotiation isn't very extensive. i tried it with the accursed IP firm and got shot down. the tuition place gave me quite a good deal, so i didn't think there was a need to negotiate. JET salary is fixed no matter your background, no point to even try. as such, i'm not super aware of the norms and practices for it. the recruiter asked for my last-drawn pay as part of the application process, and i declined to provide it after thinking long and hard. my reason was because none of my previous jobs were 100% relevant to this current one. i did the whole japanese culture thing on JET, but didn't use science at all. the opposite is true for IP. perhaps i should have said that my ideal salary for this job would be a combination of my IP and JET salaries! but no, i don't think that would have been very well-received. i just mentioned that this job was different to anything that i'd done so far, and i thought that i should be assessed on my present qualifications and experience. i did mention that the figure i quoted (at the very top of their indicative range) was negotiable depending on the whole package, so hopefully that shows my flexibility and doesn't result in them dismissing me as an option right away. they were supposed to get in touch by today, and the fact that they haven't is making me worry a little. i guess i'll follow up with the recruiter tomorr - no, wait. tomorrow's a saturday. monday, then.

can i be honest here for a bit? i feel like i might be in over my depth in moving to a new country, especially one where no support network exists. the thought of just packing up and going back to singapore at the end of august is seriously becoming more tempting vs. the alternative of sticking it out here for a few more months in the hope that some company extends an offer. there's no benefit to staying here as far as PR is concerned either, because this visa doesn't count towards the 5 years' residence needed for PR. i guess it'll be down to whether i can find housing, and/or whether a job offer comes along by mid-august. oh, i (re)applied to an IP firm that rejected me last year. problem is, the start date is september 2025. that's not a typo. if by some miracle i land that one, i think i might just look for temporary work in singapore until that time, or use the year to do the search fund thing. just a thought. the odds of landing that IP role aren't high, honestly. never hurt to hope, though!

not much news for other applications. i'm going to assume that the australia and NZ ones fell through since it's been a month-ish and i haven't heard from them. on the singapore side, i've got about 40 applications (2 interviews done/scheduled so far) in the works compared to about 20 in the UK. surely, 1 in 60 odds isn't too much to ask for!? i've heard horror stories about people in the tech sector sending out literally thousands of applications but with no luck. guess most people took up tech during the COVID era. with remote working being more common then, there was a corresponding demand for tech support, infrastructure, etc. now that hybrid models replaced full work-from-home, that demand is going down too. it's quite bad to think this way, but when the job hunt gets tedious/demoralizing, i occasionally think to myself 'at least i'm not in tech!'.

well, that's it for now. i realized that i'm not enjoying myself at the moment. nobody's fault, just that the whole jobless thing is hanging over my head. it's difficult to be outgoing and social in this scenario i think...at least it is for me. i should work on that next week. being positive and meeting more new people might open new doors.

-random thought of the day: When to buy tickets?-

Life is too short to be doing things you don't want to do.

would you agree with this statement? i find that i oscillate between yes and no. depending on what that thing is and my mood for the day, i sometimes find myself thinking 'just suck it up and do it'. recently, i've been thinking more seriously about applying for postdoc positions in australia, which is where i'm facing this dilemma. the biggest plus is that if i land a position, that's a ticket to australia. they may even settle my relocation fees! but the cons...oh boy. for one, lab work is a non-negotiable part of the deal. sure, it looks easier than what i've been doing so far, but i won't dare to break out my nice pens for fear of contamination. also, it's an academic-leaning position, meaning that there will be pressure to publish.

here's the weird dissonance in my mind. i know all jobs have deliverables. for IP, it's meeting deadlines and getting patents granted. for academics, it's getting grants/funding and publishing papers. yet, i would rather work to 50 deadlines a month than go through the process of publishing a single paper. i guess it's because of the peer review process? like, there's a chance that your manuscript won't be accepted by your target journal, reviewers may demand revisions, and the worst is if some other group scoops your work. it just means that your work is no longer novel, and therefore unworthy of publication. the only way to save it is to spin a new angle/story, or pray that your findings have something that the other group's doesn't.

tempting as it may be to get into australia via this route, i'm going to take the conscious decision to avoid postdoc positions. i know first-hand how tough academic research can be. and while i'm sure coming out relatively ok once means i should be able to do it again, there's no point in subjecting myself to that kind of anguish once more, right? it's not the only path to australia, and i can get there by other means if i set my mind to it.

mix of good and bad news these couple of days. i've got a rejection in the UK. ironically, it's the post that my credentials are the best match for among all my applications so far - a job in inorganic chemistry. another rejection from a law firm in singapore for an IP role, which may not be the worst thing in the world since i've heard not-good things about their work culture. on the positive side, i've got 2 interviews! both are for singapore-based companies, and are what i'd call chemistry-adjacent. the publishing one (yes, they got back to me!) and one that's billed as "scientific affairs officer" in a japanese company. not in chemistry exactly, but close enough. assuming the pay and workload are the same, i think i'd prefer the publishing one. but it still remains to be seen whether i get any offers in the first place. not going to count chickens just yet.

with this news, it seems that i may not stay long in the UK after all. it's too early to say for sure...maybe one or more companies here will come through. i'm not exactly holding my breath for it, but it never hurt to be optimistic! the downside about this whole situation is whether i can go back to living in singapore...the weather, the crowds, being under the same roof with someone i'd rather not see ever again. last time i was back a couple of months ago, it took 10 days for me to remember why i disliked living there, and why i left. even then, i'll find ways to adapt, i'm sure. as my professor said, commit once you've set a direction.

not sure how to put this next thought across without sounding like a whiner or strawberry, so i'll just say it plain. please reserve judgement until the end. here goes: i've been feeling an undercurrent of frustration/indignance(?) throughout this whole job search process. it's like, i graduated with an advanced degree from one of the world's top* universities, and am still having trouble trying to break into the IP industry, and into entry-level jobs on a whole. i did things "right", so to speak, but the outcome doesn't reflect that. companies are passing me over without even extending the courtesy of a face-to-face interview! i can still kind of understand this treatment in other countries, because i don't have permanent working rights, but i'd hoped that they would consider sponsorship given my qualifications! i guess at the end of the day, it's more of a business decision for them - why waste money sponsoring a foreigner when a local can do the same job decently enough? it's being treated like this by local companies that really makes me fume. of course, NUS grads are a dime a dozen in singapore, so there's that too. it just feels like i can't win on home ground, i can't win on away turf. where can i win??

you may have noticed the asterisk in the above paragraph. NUS is ranked top in asia and decently high in the world. while i am kind of proud in a weird way, i also know that those rankings aren't justified. do i believe that NUS is a better educational institution than say, tokyo university or beijing university? no! just look at the number of nobel laureates japan and china have produced, and compare that to singapore's zero. i got curious and looked it up - tokyo university and beijing university are about 30 and 10 years older than NUS respectively. so it's not an age thing. the problem, in my opinion, lies with how "practical" the government is. the mindset is "it works? great! it doesn't work? fail! blame! consequences!" there's no delving deeper into causes of failure. as we sometimes say in the lab, a negative result is still a result. but the government only puts weight on positives. going to stop this rant here, otherwise it'll extend for a few more pages, at least. the point is, i can understand why people from other countries don't seem to hold NUS in as high regard as its ranking would suggest.

reminder to self: i have one interview on thursday morning, and one interview next week. hoping for both to offer me something. hoping for something to come through on the UK side, too. thinking of dropping by the OUThouse for the wednesday late social. i walked past during the whole shipping fiasco (haven't mentioned that yet, have i?) and it turns out they charge 2 pounds per event. sneaky of them not to mention it on their website!

-random thought of the day: Haven't been as active as I'd like.-

Perfumer and flavourist roles seem to be off the table. not only is the industry an oligopoly of a few major players who don't hire often, but they also require qualifications from either in-house training academies or partner universities. the fees are expensive too - about 10 000 euros per year for a 3-year course! i suppose that the salary earned in the future will make up for it. still...it's 3 years of time investment which money can't buy back. granted that patent attorney qualification takes around the same time or longer. the difference is that people working towards patent attorney qualification get paid during the process, and aren't full-time students like the perfumer/flavourist people.

job application update! figure that you all might get tired of it at some point, but i have to keep myself accountable. i followed up with the most responsive IP firm so far, because i hadn't heard from them since may. so much for being the most responsive, huh? hopefully they at least give me an interview! the firm who'd rejected me multiple times also replied, but this time they worded the response a little differently. might be my mind playing tricks on me, but i feel more hopeful about it based on this turn of phrase. could be that they are seriously considering my application now, or that the HR person just decided to write differently that day, or any number of other reasons. not going to look into it too deeply just yet. i've also applied to a few other positions on indeed. one rejection there so far, out of...6(?) applications. interestingly, i saw a flavourist position with no requirements to attend further specialized education, so i plan on applying for that as well. just to see how it goes.

on the singapore side, i've kind of modified my application strategy. there are 2 meanings to this: the type of companies i'm applying to, and the way i'm applying. for the type of company, i'm really spreading my net wider. one company invited me to apply for an editorial role for scientific publications. they seemed eager to set up an interview, but haven't responded since i told them i was overseas. then again, it's only been one day and a bit, so i hope my thought of 'they've already decided to go with another candidate' is just me being paranoid. other interesting jobs i've sent applications to include R&D chef (baked goods) and forensic chemist. if i'm being honest, the chef one sounds quite fun, as does the editor one. more insights into my job preferences! separately, an old contact from the tuition place also asked for my CV. i really appreciate that he thinks highly enough of me to do this. not sure if i want to follow through on this right now, but it's good to know.

as for job application strategy, i'm starting to think that some quality can be sacrificed for quantity. what i've been doing so far is tailoring each application i send to each specific job posting. this includes things like reordering, adding, and removing bullet points from my resume, writing a new personal summary, drafting cover letters from scratch each time. although it probably results in the strongest applications, it takes time. i've noticed that singaporean job boards have a "quick apply" feature. just upload resumes, answer a few questions, and send the application on its way. granted that the resume sent in may not be a perfect fit for the job, but i'd say it's 80% in the ballpark. the real benefit is in the time savings...tailoring each application can take from 30 minutes if i'm focused and the job description is similar enough that i can use previous stock phrases, to an hour if i'm distracted and/or the job application is not related to previous ones. rapid-fire sending allows me to send basically an application a minute. just choose the right resume, attach it, and submit. hoping that this new strategy will bear fruit. of course, i'll still have to make appropriate versions of my resume for very different roles, like that flavourist one i mentioned earlier. overall though, there's huge time savings.

i suppose you'll have heard of the UK election results by now. i don't know enough to comment intelligently on it, but it seems that most of my UK friends are happy with the result. maybe they'll make it more attractive to hire foreign workers, and that will mean that it'll be easier for me to find work? the sad thing is, it won't be instant. i still have about a month to decide whether to stay in the UK. the next milestone date for me is the end of august, when this lease expires. working backwards, it means that if i want to leave the UK, i'll have to get plane tickets...actually about now to catch prices while they're low. damn, that's way less time than i'd thought! what i think will most likely happen is that i'll find another place for a month or two, and if i don't hear back from any UK firms within a certain date, i'll just have to cut and run. honestly, i'm not looking forward to house-hunting, sending out tons of messages, and having the feeling of insecurity all over again. maybe i'll ask this landlord if he'd consider extending the lease for another month or two. just hoping that i'll get an offer by july, doesn't matter what country. that way, i can plan next steps more clearly.

there is one more door/avenue which i have access to, but am quite reluctant to pursue. a few years ago, i got to know a singaporean businessman. i think out of everyone i know, his initial and current states are the most different. his story is literal rags to riches - born into poverty, rolling in money now. the thing is, i'm not sure how sincere he is. let me clarify. when i met him to discuss a sponsorship, he seemed to be only listening on the surface, being very noncommittal and then only reaching back out to us many years later when we could do something that would benefit him. i figure that there's no harm reaching out to him when i'm back in singapore, whenever that may be.

-random thought of the day: Trying to remain optimistic.-

Safety, security, stability. 3 S-words that are sometimes used interchangeably, but have nuanced differences in their meanings. thought i'd use that to talk about my UK experience so far. i've felt safe in the UK. no racist incidents, threats, anything like that. i will say that i've been a little more on guard than i normally am in singapore. hearing a "be alert - pickpockets operate here" announcement at a train station was quite a new experience. also, the room that i'm renting is on the first floor of a house. makes me a little uneasy knowing that someone could smash the window and break in. yes, i know that someone could theoretically break into a HDB flat as well, but it would be a lot harder to break into a tenth-floor flat vs. a ground-floor house.

thanks to my savings, i feel secure. financially, i mean. but they're not going to last forever. i've been looking at part-time jobs on the internet, and nothing good is coming up in my area. i saw so many ads for carers and companions, but most of them require a personal vehicle. i'm not about to buy a car now, not when i don't have long-term accommodations or a source of income! i'll probably walk around the shopping street and see if there are "help wanted" signs...think i saw one in the window of a cash converters.

what i'm really lacking in now is stability. i mean sure, i've got this room for the next 2 months, but after that it's all up in the air. the landlord says he wants a minimum one year term next, understandable as this is a university city and the new academic year starts in september. given that job prospects don't look too good in this place, basing myself here doesn't seem smart unless i land a fully online job. i'm feeling the instability to the point where i'm still living out of my suitcases after almost a week - too hesitant to unpack and "properly" set up here!

paradoxically, i've been applying more to singaporean companies than UK ones this past week. i don't know why, but it seems like UK firms aren't paying as much as i'd like. yes, this is after factoring the exchange rate in. i'll probably ramp up the job hunt starting from tomorrow, just going to try and apply for things that i'm interested in/sort of meet the requirements for and see how that goes. currently i've got applications with GSK and an IP firm for my UK applications. this IP firm really puzzles me. i've applied to them twice or thrice before, meaning that this current attempt is number 3 or 4. they've politely rejected me each previous time, and i'll see their job ad up again a few months later. i don't know if it's because different people on the chemistry team are leaving the firm or whether the trainees they've been hiring for the role haven't been working out. either way, i'm hoping that they finally give me a shot considering i'm physically in the country. if not then...i don't know. feels stupid to chase after people who don't want you, but i've got to cast a wide net. maybe this time they'll finally take the plunge and interview me at least.

on the singapore side, i just got a rejection email from a perfumer job that i applied for. i'm really curious as to how to land a perfumer/flavourist job. you'd think that a chemistry degree would be the basic requirement, but most of the vacancies i see require experience. worse, there don't appear to be any entry-level/apprentice courses to get a foot in the door. maybe this is one of those industries with hidden job offers that are only accessible through networking/recommendations? i also realized that the company i applied to doesn't have a contact point in singapore, or a singapore website. this is an MNC, mind you. well, i guess there's not much i can do for this.

in the course of my job applications, i've kind of realized that there are certain jobs i'd choose over others. no, duh! but oddly, the ranking/order isn't what i previously thought. how did i discover this? by looking at a job description and having the thought 'nah, i really don't want to do that' come to mind. broadly, my current hierarchy from bottom to top (least to most desired) is academia/research -> other mainly lab-based job -> teaching -> office-based job. teaching (in schools) is a no-go because i don't have a teaching qualification. maybe i should have taken a TESOL/CELTA during JET, especially since they subsidized a part of the fees! but to be fair, i didn't see teaching english as a career option back then, and i still kind of don't now. it is a way of getting to australia, though. i suppose it IS still possible to pivot now...just that i have doubts on whether it's worth the time and financial investment.

enough depressing job news for now. got more companies to apply to! my target is between 3 to 5 applications per day. sounds like not too much, but bear in mind that i'm customizing each resume and writing original cover letters for each application. my cousin did suggest using chatGPT, but i find the produced writing to be a bit too fancy. it'll still require some editing.

something else interesting happened, which is that my JET successor got in contact! we had a short email exchange, and a nice chat via video call last night. she is my polar opposite - young Black lady from the US. the only things we have in common are that we speak english and we like guys (probably, i never asked about her orientation)! anyway, she seems nice enough and eager to get into it. the kids will be in for a shock, though...i believe she'll be the first person of colour that they'll meet in real life. they're also going to have to use more english; i understand her japanese isn't that good. not that i blame her! perhaps it's a bit of a backwards view in the face of widespread globalization these days, but i think it's impressive when people in the west learn eastern languages. strangely, i'm not equally impressed when people from the east learn english!

honestly, i'm still worried about many things. and rightfully so! part of me is thinking of just calling it a day and moving back to singapore after this lease ends, but it might be "grass is always greener" syndrome. if i end up doing that, i'll miss the weather. this is totally not what i'd consider a "summer" vibe. maybe late-spring, at best. with this kind of weather, it's no wonder the british were once the most powerful people on the planet!

-random thought of the day: Selling stuff on eBay is troublesome!-