2010 is about 4 hours away from becoming just a memory. i'd better get started on my year-end post if i want to make it in time.

before i begin the post proper, i'll explain why i've been combining posts recently. it's because i had to regulate the post count, as i wanted to ensure that this post was my 1000th post on this blog. and now that i'm writing this post, i can safely say, "mission accomplished". admittedly, some of the posts i have are nonsensical, but most of them have something worth saying...at least i'd like to think that they do. checking back, my 500th post was published sometime in january 2006. this blog is approximately 7.5 years old, which means it took close to 5 years to make up the other 500 posts, as compared to about half that time for the first 500. the main reason for my slower rate of posting was army. back in secondary school/JC, i blogged almost on a daily basis. going into army meant staying in, which meant no internet access on the vast majority of weekdays. and even if i had internet, do you honestly think i'd blog in camp? at least the blogging rate's going up again, if a little slowly. i wonder when the next block of 500 posts will come?

and in case you don't believe me, here's proof (they count unpublished posts as well, so that's why the publish date is off):

during my walk along pasir ris beach a couple of weeks ago, i thought of my theme for the year. this year, it's just one word — "maintenance". i've been trying to maintain a lot of things this year...like grades, friendships, fitness, income, and some other things besides. of course, i haven't been 100% successful, but give me credit for trying, yes?

looking back at my first post of the year, i'm somewhat ashamed to say that most of my new year resolutions weren't fulfilled. things like keeping my CAP above 4, adhering to my exercise schedule, and (most disappointingly,) not getting into any accidents. i suppose this is where another definition of "maintenance" comes to mind...and that's "fixing what's wrong". come to think of it, that might be a good resolution for next year as well, but let's not jump ahead of ourselves.

most of the year has been good. surviving 2 more semesters in NUS, attending CJC/SJI judo training (and various outings), getting to know the juniors (and some seniors) better, coaching the primary school kids, tuition...all of that and other stuff that i may have forgotten about at this point in time have helped to add some colour to my life. things generally turned out ok, except for a few regrets in the areas of grades and interpersonal relationships. while i do wish that they could have turned out differently (or even been avoided completely in some cases), i suppose that things happen for a reason, whether it is to teach me something or to affect something else in the bigger picture.

all in all, 2010 has passed pretty smoothly (and very quickly...especially the last 4 months or so). as always, it could have gone better, but it also could have gone so, so much worse. count the little blessings, i suppose. to rate the year, i'd say...8/10.

well...this year-end post is shorter than normal. guess that i don't have all that much to say. could be a consequence of having the school year start halfway through the calendar year. anyway, i THINK that's all i want to say right now. as per tradition, tomorrow's post (the 1001st post!) will be about resolutions and all that new-yearsy stuff. right now, i'll stop and maybe see if any friends have plans for the next few hours.

-random thought of the day: Regrets suck.-

Actually, there isn't much to say about the past few days. but i have a spare post, so might as well blog, right? my cough hasn't completely gone away, so i decided against doing any running. from the looks of it, i won't be training intensively until next year. i'll still be training, but taking it light. one of the judo seniors gave me a training routine to follow. it's simple enough to follow; no fancy exercises or anything. the intimidating thing is that almost everything comes in sets of 50. but well...after being in judo for this long, it's more or less expected. this senior is known for pushing himself to insane levels, so if i follow his plan, i should see quick improvement. of course, the plan he gave me has been watered down from what he would normally do. even then, it still looks challenging.

yesterday was interesting. to start off, we had judo training. it was also the first time my kata partner and i did the kata together. as far as first times go, it went relatively well. "relatively" being...relative, of course. i realize i've been concentrating purely on the tori (thrower) role, and that my uke (throwee) role sucks. got the breakfalling side wrong a few times, and as a result, my partner's throw(s) looked off. despite the screw-ups, i'm happy that we got a chance to practise together, because we managed to do some rough distance judgements and get a feel for executing the forms with each other, as well as getting the fireman's lift throw done correctly. fine-tuning will most definitely have to be done, with help from the judo senior mentioned in the above paragraph.

you know, i feel kind of cheated. in the video, the demonstrators made the kata look so easy/effortless and painless. after doing it for myself, i realize that it's not as easy as they made it look. then again, both demonstrators in the video are at least 5th dan, so that probably counts for something. i also think that i (or maybe we) haven't been breakfalling enough. either that, or it's been too long since we've last breakfallen (brokefell?). our breakfall timing was off, and as a result, some throws hurt more than they should have. i don't know about my partner, but i took some pretty hard falls and got winded twice. just imagine — we only did the first 3 sets! doing the full kata for second dan grading is going to be a lot more painful, considering the last 2 sets contain more dynamic throws. thankfully, none of us sustained any injuries, so we're still good to practise.

had that party thing after training. i brought another bottle of sake, but this one was kind of off. as in, it didn't taste like the nice saleslady said it would. guess i'll get something towards the drier side of the spectrum next time. i drank a bit, but didn't get too drunk this time. that was a good thing, since one of the juniors got totally smashed. it wasn't the first time i've taken care of a drunk person, but this time was one of the slightly more entertaining ones...until the vomiting started, that is. once that happened, we had to get her hair out of the way...and guess who had spare hair-ties? i knew keeping long hair might come in handy sometimes, but this was kind of unexpected. still, whatever works, right? while it's not something i'd like to do regularly, i'd do it for any of my friends.

once the drunk junior was put to bed, we had to settle our transport home. it normally wouldn't be that easy, since it was already about 2:30am by that time. luckily, one of the other seniors who stayed back drove, so he dropped some of us off. in turn, i dropped another junior off at the buona vista/dover area after that. driving at night/in the early morning is kind of fun. it's rare that i get to see the roads so empty. it felt good to not have to worry about idiotic drivers and other related stuff that i normally worry about when driving at more godly hours.

module bidding has started! as usual, it's a major headache. after the past semester, i'm quite sure that i've fulfilled the university's main requirements for graduation, which comprise of 1 arts GEM, 1 science GEM, 1 SS, and a few breadth modules. unfortunately, a little nagging part of me seems to disagree. i keep worrying that i may have bidded for something incorrectly, meaning that it doesn't count for what it should have counted for. i wonder if NUS has academic advisors/planners we can approach? i know i certainly could use some reassurance right about now.

this coming semester, i'm taking organic, inorganic and analytical as my 3 cores. my 2 electives are professional communication and great ideas in contemporary physics. the last module was kind of a haphazard choice, because the stuff that i was interested in either clashed with my cores, or with SJI/CJC training times. i'm having second, third and fourth thoughts about bidding for it, because i hear there's a term paper component. but the IVLE info says that there isn't. it's confusing, but i'm going to trust in IVLE. besides, i think the content should be manageable, seeing as i've just taken einstein in the past semester.

as far as my schedule goes, mondays and thursdays are my killer days (assuming i get everything that i bidded for, that is). classes run from 10:00am to 6:00pm consecutively on both days, and there's NUS judo training from 7:00pm to 9:00pm after that. thankfully, tuesdays and fridays are light, with only one class from 6:00pm to 8:00pm. that leaves room for physical training and/or kata practice earlier in the day. incidentally, i'm planning to schedule my labs and tutorials on those days, leaving my wednesday free to meet up with my kata partner at CJC for more practice. all in all, i think it's going to be a pretty busy/active semester. all the activity might do me some good too...keeping me on my toes and all that. for now, i'm going to check on my CORS bidding. hope everything works out.

-random thought of the day: Must practise breakfalling from heights.-

Oddly enough, not blogging for the past 6 days didn't reduce me to a miserable, cranky wreck. guess i was too tired to care, or something like that. recovering from drinking seems to take longer and longer as i grow older. well, guess that's a good incentive to not let loose all that often.

anyway, wednesday and thursday were spent in recovery, so i didn't do all that much. it may seem rather weak for me to need 2 full days to recover, but i fell ill during that time period as well. actually...i'm still down with a pretty persistent cough. the gross thing about this cough is that it results in the expulsion of sticky green stuff fairly often, especially just after i wake up. something tells me that the 2 events (getting drunk and falling sick) aren't completely unrelated...maybe getting drunk messed up my immune system or something like that. or maybe it's just something in the air. facebook shows a lot of my friends coming down with various ailments as well.

despite the illness, the main highlight was that i got my christmas cards written and mailed. given that christmas falls (fell) on a saturday this year, i'm expecting their delivery to be delayed. though it's slightly annoying, i won't complain as long as they reach the intended recipients within the year. you know, as the years go by, i'm increasingly questioning the relevance of this particular tradition. sometimes, i just don't know what to write! this happens for friends who i don't see that often (or even at all) throughout the rest of the year. looking at my address list, the number of people who i DIDN'T send cards to this year was greater than the number of cards that went out. well...i figure i'll keep sending cards anyway, though the numbers may drop. i'll stop for good if there ever is a year where i don't want to send cards to anybody. but i don't foresee that happening...not in the near future, at least.

visiting one of my junior's blogs gave me the idea to sign up for adsense. it's this thing that places advertisements on a website, and pays you according to the number of clicks that the ad receives. unfortunately, google rejected my application. the email sent me said that the page type was unsuitable. according to the email they sent me, "Your website is a type of website that we do not currently accept into our programme. Such websites include, but are not limited to, chat sites, sites that drive traffic through cybersquatting, and sites that use excessive keywords in the content or code of their pages." i'm not sure exactly which category this site falls into, but if i had to guess, it would be the last one, considering how i blather non-stop about school, judo, and some other things. or maybe it's because i don't capitalize the necessary stuff, making everything looks like one big lump of text. well...i'm kind of relieved that they didn't accept me, actually. somehow, putting advertisements on my personal blog seems kind of inappropriate...like i'm "selling out" or something. at any rate, i figure that i can always start another blog/website that focuses on something specific (say judo or tuition) and place the ads there.

that aside, i also did some module browsing. in addition to my 3 cores, i've also spotted another prospective module, about professional communication. so that's 4 down. not quite sure what to choose for my last module...i was contemplating financial accounting, business management, or something else outside of science. at any rate, i'll probably figure it out once CORS opens and the accurate module listing is released. or maybe there'll be yet another easy science module i can use for CAP-pulling...

met up with a couple of my JC classmates for lunch on friday. we were supposed to meet on wednesday, but scheduling conflicts resulted in the date being pushed back a little. no big deal, seeing as we still got to meet up anyway. out of the 25 other people in my JC class, i probably keep in touch with these 2 the most. we ate at the new ramen place just outside bishan MRT. it was pretty good, but a tiny bit too pricey. anyway, we just had lunch and hung out. nothing really fancy, but then again, it's all about the company.

and speaking of company and meal outings, we went to meet up with some of my parents' old friends yesterday. they live in canada, so it's not that often we get to see them. this time, they made the trip to singapore by themselves, leaving their 4 or 5 kids(!) home alone. before you say that's irresponsible, the oldest one is 18 and in university already, so i think that they should be capable of taking care of themselves. anyway, we went to a pretty well-hidden crab place in bukit panjang (quite near SJI boy's place, actually) for dinner. even though my dad said that the place was famous for its baked crab, and orders had to be placed half a day in advance, i personally didn't find it to be all that outstanding. that's not to say that it was bad, just...not exceptionally good. over dinner, there were many conversations going, some of which centred around me and the couple's kids. apparently, i met them once before when i was a kid (in 1996, or P2) and didn't leave that good an impression on them. naturally, i didn't remember a thing. nice how i have selective amnesia like that. hopefully i'll get to meet them sometime in the future to (1) apologize, and (2) show them what a nice, friendly individual i turned out to be...NOT!

sad to say that those 2 meetings were probably the highlight of my christmas this year. once again, it's not that i don't treasure the company, but christmas is normally supposed to come with the standard huge celebration thing, right? or maybe that's better suited for new year...i don't know. to try and feel the christmas spirit a little better, i went and bought a bottle of white wine (which is about half-finished by now). yes, it's an excuse to drink. the real reason i bought it is because a similar type of wine came highly recommended by a few of my friends, so i decided to try it out for myself. i'm actually a little underwhelmed by it. it didn't make that good of a first impression (screw-on cap instead of a cork...my fault for not looking more closely i suppose). i'll admit, though, that it tastes pretty good...if a little too sweet and mildly carbonated. not only that, i didn't get much of a kick despite the 13% alcohol content. chem knowledge strongly suggests that the fermentation process may not have been completed properly, meaning that i just MAY have bought myself a large bottle of grape juice. well...important thing(s) is that it's drinkable and i enjoy it, i guess...and that i never buy the same brand again, of course.

so...that's the past 6 days in a (rather large) nutshell. this is the interim week between christmas and new year, so there are bound to be other functions to attend...like a party for one of the (ex-)judo girls this coming wednesday. that's scheduled for after training, where my kata partner and i will be figuring distances, pace, and other stuff out for our kata. with the amount of practice that both of us have put in individually, i'm expecting it to be a relatively smooth-sailing session. but before that, i have to do some shopping for the party tomorrow. i do plan on getting less than 100% sober, so i'll be bringing some stuff. there's still a bottle of vodka left over from the chalet, but i'm not touching that. no way. and even before the shopping, i want to visit the judo junior who's back in the hospital for some surgery. it's more cosmetic than anything else (i think), so no major worries about his health. meanwhile, i have to rewatch the kata video to make sure that all the little details have sunk in.

-random thought of the day: Did you know that a mixture of cornflour and water will ferment if it's left to stand at room temperature for a couple of days?-

Briefly summing up the last 3 days: chalet is over, and results are back. sure, i could just leave it at that, but where would the fun be? besides, i don't trust my memory enough to retain everything that i remember now in the future. so, let's talk about the chalet first.

as far as chalets go, it was pretty good. and as all chalets should be, everything was nice and relaxed. the main activities for me would be watching movies, taking my annual beach walk, and getting drunker than i've ever been. i had thought of doing a day-by-day breakdown, but in the end, i decided that there wasn't really a need for it. after all, most of the activity happened on day 2, so that's the only day i'll talk about in detail.

the day started kind of early, considering we were still up from 12:00am to 5:00+am watching various video clips and a movie (14 blades). got about 6 hours' sleep (at most 2 or 3 of which were actually spent really sleeping), and the kids went off to wild wild wet. as for me, i lazed around in the chalet a little while longer, then got bored and went out.

normally, my reflective beach walk would be done at east coast. this year, i decided to break tradition a little and walk along pasir ris beach instead. i mean, i was in the vicinity anyway, so why not? the beach was practically deserted; the only 2 other people i met were a beach cleaner and a random middle-aged man. at first, i thought it was strange that nobody would be at the beach, but i found out why after i got my feet wet. the water smelled nauseating! as in, i literally felt like throwing up when i smelt the water that had got onto my fingers. it was some sort of chemical smell...not one that i've encountered in the lab, but as a scientist, i recognize chemical smells when i smell them. i wonder...might it have been because of the BP oil leak, or are singaporean waters just that polluted? worst thing is, the smell wouldn't go away even after i wiped the water off. had to go back to the chalet and use copious amounts of soap before my fingers smelled normal again. still, the walk proved fruitful. i've thought of a suitable theme for the year, which is usually my main goal during these walks. my stone-skipping skill seems to have deproved, though. most of the stones i threw didn't skip, some skipped once, and only one skipped twice. reminds me of some sort of quantum mechanical statistical distribution, but i'll come to physical chem later.

came back from my walk and lounged around for another couple of hours before the wild wild wet kids came back. they decided to get the fire going for the barbeque, so i kaypoh-ed around and helped out when necessary. seeing that they had everything under control, i decided to break out the alcohol. apparently, i made pretty good guesstimations in predicting what the kids would like. the beer and sake went down pretty well with them. almost makes me feel bad to think that i might be encouraging a future generation of alcoholics...but nah. everything went nice and smoothly until the vodka came out. then, it progressed from "nice buzz" to "dead drunk". to give you an idea of how dead "dead" was, i normally can recall everything that happens while i'm drunk. this time, i have a gap in my memory from the time i was lying outside on the porch to when i woke up indoors. i do remember saying some stuff that i normally would not say to some people, and doing some stuff that the judo juniors would definitely find to be uncharacteristic of me.

thankfully, misery loves company, and one other senior was just as gone as i was, if not a little more (he told me he threw up sometime during the night, but i was probably out cold when it happened). embarrassing as this drunk episode may be, i don't feel all too bad about it, because i don't think i said or did anything really incriminating, and i haven't had the chance to let my hair down like this since university began, so it was a nice change. as i found myself thinking multiple times today, i'm infinitely grateful that the only people to see me in such a state are people that i already know, so at least they don't form inaccurate first impressions of me. can you just imagine if any of next year's J1s saw me like that, and i had to teach them breakfalls next year? well technically, one of next year's J1s (aka. SJI boy) did see me in that state, but he knows what i'm capable of, so that's ok.

also, i've decided to stay away from vodka, and maybe all hard liquor in general. the whole experience reminded me why i didn't really approve of the purchase in the first place (but since the juniors wanted it, i decided to be nice and get it for them). personally, it's not something that i would have voluntarily brought. well, i foresee myself having at least 2 more opportunities to get drunk before the year is up, and i'll be sticking to my beer and sake to do that.

like i said earlier, i passed out from about 11:00+pm to 3:00+am, and subsequently woke up (still feeling physically horrible) to watch sherlock holmes. i thought that it was a pretty good movie, though perhaps a tad unrealistic. i seriously doubt it's possible for any human being to possess as high a level of deductive power and predictive ability as the titular character supposedly has. but in the event it's some sort of mutant power, i guess that would be my #3 choice (#s 1 and 2 being control over the entire EM spectrum and telepathy respectively, aka. Magneto and Professor X).

anyway, the movie ended at about 5:30+am, and i fell into somewhat fitful sleep after that. got woken up at 7:30am, and couldn't get back to sleep. finally, the SMS came at around 8:00am. the order of emotions i went through upon receipt of the message was something like: anticipation, *message comes*, fear, *while reading message*, (negative) disbelief, resignation, surprise, mild annoyance, happiness. incidentally, the last 5 emotions correspond to one module each, which i will elaborate on very shortly. then, the next 2 hours or so were spent cleaning up and packing, before we checked out, had lunch, then went home.

overall, i think the chalet was a success. even though there was no official theme/objective that had to be fulfilled, it helped those who attended to bond a little better. i think activities that force people to interact for longer times than normal (eg. chalets, camps) help promote bonding by breaking barriers. and correspondingly, the more barriers broken, the more solid the bond. i think about it this way...the difference between someone i would consider as only an acquaintance and someone i would consider as a very good friend is the extent to which we know each other, and how at ease we are in each other's presence. like, we know each other well enough to have had all the awkward conversations, and subsequently know what conversation topics are off-limits, when our vocal tones/body language indicate seriousness or not...all these little details. by going for these sort of activities and staying with the same people for a relatively long period of time, you actually become more "in-tune" with them, which helps you to pick up on these subtle (probably subconscious) things that they do.

right now, it's been more than 12 hours since the chalet officially ended, and close to a full day since my drunk episode. i'm still not feeling back at 100%. the sensation of having a cotton ball stuck in my throat hasn't quite gone away yet. to add on to that, there's that "imminent nosebleed" feeling high up in my nose, along with a mild headache and the beginnings of a sore throat. i attribute the first 2 (and possibly the last one) to dehydration. even though i've downed 1.5L of chrysanthemum tea since i've been back home, the symptoms have hardly improved. i've now switched to water and plan to finish another 1.5L before bedtime...hopefully things will get better when i next wake up.

now, to talk about my grades. in general, i'm satisfied with them (in fact, i'm bordering on happy). there were some disappointments, but the net emotional result is still positive. earlier, i said that each of the 5 modules was represented by one of the last 5 emotions. let's do the mix-and-match now:

(negative) disbelief — CM2101 (B-)
on one hand, i should have expected it due to my finals performance and that 3/10 test. in my defence, i had decent lab grades and my second test did better. still, i was quite let down by the grade because i was hoping for a B at least. this module is the one module i've actually actively done work for, learnt something, and enjoyed. so i suppose it's self-explanatory why the B- grade is so disappointing.

resignation — CM2102 (B-)
well...i messed up the final, so i'm pretty much mentally prepared for a grade of about this standard. hey, at least it isn't a C!

surprise — CM2132 (B+)
both my spectroscopy modules got B-, and physical chem got B+!? something definitely went wrong here, considering that i have always considered physical chem to be the weakest of my cores in the semester. still, i'm not complaining! and this doesn't change anything...i'm sticking to my resolution of not taking any more physical chem modules as far as possible. one better-than-expected grade doesn't change the fact that i dislike and suck at it.

mild annoyance — PC1535 (A-)
in all honesty, einstein was a pretty easy module. while i am happy with my score, i think that i could have done better because i made the idiotic mistake of forgetting about the meaning of weighted constants in quantum wavefunctions (the same mistake which cost me 10 marks or more in CM2101 as well). nevertheless, it's an A-, and i can find satisfaction in that.

happiness — SSD2210 (A-)
considering the amount of effort i put in for this module, this return is way beyond proportional. so much for the rumour that you can't score for SS modules. admittedly, it wasn't an A+ or even a A, but i'm happy nonetheless.

overall CAP — 3.75

well, with this set of results, i'm slightly more on-track towards my honours goal. there has been a CAP improvement of 0.03 points as compared to the last semester, which currently sits me right smack in between a B average and a B+ average. the increase in CAP isn't much, but hey, i'll take improvement over stagnation, and definitely over deprovement. as usual, the non-cores are the stars of the show. looks like it'll be another S/U-less semester. at this rate, all my 3 S/Us will probably be untouched up till graduation...which can be seen as a good thing. better to have them handy for a rainy day.

my body clock has been massively messed up by the chalet. guess i'll TRY to sleep now, and force it back to some semblance of normalcy. advance reminders: finish christmas cards tomorrow and mail them. start exercise again; choice of 15 sets kata form practice, or weight training at the gym, followed by 5 sets kata form practice. must smoothen out all the rough edges in preparation for partner training.

-random thought of the day: Good thing I saved the writing of some Christmas cards until AFTER the chalet.-

Human relationships are like titrations...

kind of an odd thought (not to mention an odd way to start the post), but i'll get to that later. first, as forecasted, i'll talk about the weekend's happenings, starting with yesterday.

my cousin got married yesterday. to be specific, it was the third son of my second paternal uncle. he had a christian service/ceremony, held in a church and all that...and at 10:00 in the morning, no less! personally, i have never really quite felt comfortable in a christian setting. i don't know...i just find the whole idea of worshipping and praising a god to be...unsettling. maybe it's because of the extent to which they go. but still, being non-religious, i wouldn't know any better.

the theme of the ceremony was "love", which i thought was quite appropriate for a wedding. the pastor was talking about how people are unlovable initially, but were made lovable by Jesus' sacrifice. that eventually linked to unconditional love. while i didn't really care much for the religious aspects of the speech/sermon, it did get me thinking more about love...unconditional love, at that. so far, i haven't really come to a conclusion yet, but this is a good reminder.

after the ceremony, there was the obligatory reception thing. took the opportunity to mingle and socialize with the other cousins, whom i usually only see around CNY. interestingly, i talked to the bride's father. despite the seemingly random/distant association, there is a logical explanation. he happened to be the vice-principal of my primary school while i was studying there (he's retired now, though). as expected, he didn't have any idea who i was. i'm not surprised, because i don't think i spoke more than 3 words to the guy in my 6 years of studying there. well...it's not that great a deal, but it'll be an interesting conversation topic to bring up with my primary school classmates.

aside from that, the rest of saturday was pretty...normal. went to my cousin's place (not the one that just got married) for dinner. we ended up eating out, at this indonesian place under a shophouse. i thought that it was decent. not too impressive, but not terrible, either. thanks to some conversations during dinner, i ended up wondering exactly how well parents know their kids. i can safely say the info that my parents (well...one of them, anyway) have of me is outdated by at least 6 years. while it was mildly amusing to hear the (wrong) answers to some of the questions, the mild irritation of someone else speaking for me quickly overpowered that. i also realized that i don't quite enjoy having people make my decisions for me. kind of ironic, considering how indecisive i can be. in fairness, though, i probably know as much about my parents as they know about me now. so...pot calling the kettle black? maybe. but at least i don't answer questions not meant for me...

today was a rather happening day, too. there was the national judo championship at the SJF building, which i went to watch. the competitors did...ok. no clean sweeps, but at least there were medals. sadly, one of the kids got injured. well...it wasn't so much of "got injured" as it was "old injury acting up", but you get the idea. it's tough to find a balance. as his friend/supporter, i want to tell him to go all out for his match. but as his senior and a trained coach, i don't want to see him kamikaze out there. rationally speaking, the coach/senior side will win out eventually. better to have long-term health than to burn out in a blaze of glory.

during the competition's intermission, i found out something very interesting. though it's not confirmed yet, there is a (reasonably high) chance that i can take my black belt grading in march next year. something to do with the waiting time between brown and black belts being shortened from a year to 6 months. needless to say, this has got me ridiculously excited. now, there's even more motivation to carry out my exercise plans, which include going for NUS judo training regularly, and attending Randori (sparring) Days at the SJF building every saturday. i seriously have to start building fitness again, starting first and foremost with endurance/stamina. that's the main problem right now. strength and other stuff can come later. on a side note, i'm comtemplating cutting (or at least thinning out) my hair. yes...i think i'll do something along those lines tomorrow.

the time between now and that grading (if i'm eligible to take it) is 3 months. that's like a BMT. from experience, i know what kind of miracle 3 months of regular exercise can do. even then, that's only a third of the battle won. another third is the mental aspect. things like convincing myself to go for training, keeping regular sleeping hours, having the discipline to avoid eating/drinking rubbish, to name a few. the third third is actually the only factor not completely within my control, and that's school schedule and workload. as far as possible, i'm hoping that i don't have any 8:00am classes next semester (well, more like for the whole of my university life, but let's not get carried away here), and that the workload will be comparatively lighter (oh, who am i kidding? it's an established fact that year 2 is the most intense year). in addition, i'm tempted to do what my friend did this past semester and squeeze labs into the first bit of the semester, so that i have more free time closer to the grading. well...it's kind of pointless to worry about that now. we'll see how things go when CORS opens for bidding.

now, jumping back to my opening statement. why titrations, of all things? there are a number of reasons, but it's primarily because i'm a chemist, and that's a chemical analogy. allow me to explain. the two parties involved in a relationship (or friendship; any kind of human interaction, really) are just like the two reagents in a titration. one reagent is in the flask, so there's a known quantity already. the other reagent's in the burette. add too little, and the indicator won't change colour. add too much, and you've overshot. see the similarity yet? basically, the person in the burette is interacting with the person in the flask. nothing will happen if there's too little interaction. too much interaction, and the experiment will have errors (and thus fail). we have to find the balance, where just enough interaction causes a favourable outcome. as you can see, i've had too much time and brain space/power to waste. there are other analogies i could make, involving spring and rotational constants, schrodinger's cat and/or even more stuff. but i'll save those for another day. right now, it's time for bed. healthy living has to start, after all.

-random thought of the day: Oh, person, why do you confuse me so?-

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Update #1 (3 days later, 10:15pm): "march 2011" has become my latest mantra. no prizes for guessing why, if you've read the post above this update. i'm hoping that the possibility of me getting my black belt in 3 months' time will sustain my willingness to exercise.

in a bid to give myself even more motivation, i'm going to keep an "exercise/training diary" of sorts here. or maybe i'll just call it an "exercise/training record". "diary" sounds so...girly. but in the end, it's different names for the same thing, i suppose. let's see...on monday, i went down to NUS to join their training. i figure that i'd better start attending, since i'll be grading under NUS. before training started, i was fortunate enough to have a senior come down to teach/show me the proper kata forms. it took a while to catch some of them (and i'm extremely grateful for his patience), but i'm more or less ok with them as of now. still, that's only the first step. the next step is coordinating everything with my partner. so far, i've been practising against thin air, which works great for getting the forms down, but is less helpful when considering that the kata has to be performed with another real life person. sadly, due to incompatible schedules, that's the best we can do for now. funny thing i noticed, though...my forms aren't symmetrical, like they're supposed to be. in general, my right-side throws look better, though there are a few pretty nice left-side throws, too. guess i'll have to work harder on making everything look good.

despite my personal feelings about the NUS coach, i must admit that his training sessions are very structured and well-organized. you can practically predict what's coming next after a certain activity. the pace was fine, but a little too much for someone as unfit as i am. thank goodness i went to thin my hair out before going for training. long hair and sweat don't really mix well. learnt 2 pretty interesting ground techniques, and realized that i still can't apply a choke properly. for shame! definitely have to work on that. i was also exposed to more japanese judo terms (some of which i couldn't catch), which i find that CJC/SJI training lacks. upon some interaction with the NUS coach, i guess that my initial impression was kind of biased. he's not a bad guy; just that the way he behaves during competitions sometimes can be rather annoying if you're not from his schools. one thing remains true, though — his technical knowledge is really, really good. i'll definitely benefit from his training.

yesterday was my day off from training, so nothing much happened. basically spent half the day feeling (physically) sore and trying to stretch everything out. today was exercise day, so i went down to the nearby park to get some jogging done. i did 10 rounds around the park, which comes up to about 4.120km (i think). not going to worry about timing right now, because the current objective is to just sort of ease back into exercising regularly. did some light (or moderate, from my point of view) static exercises as well, followed by another run through the kata forms. mental note: practise forms barefoot. track shoes inhibit sliding steps and quick turning.

so...that's been it so far. i know it doesn't sound like much, but the very fact that i overcame the inertia and actually did something is a good start. in addition to the exercise, i also have healthy eating in mind, which means less takeaway (difficult when nobody really cooks) and more grocery shopping...within a reasonable budget, of course. i suppose it's good, since it gives me the chance to brush up on my cooking skills.

incidentally, i forgot to blog about a pretty scary dream i had on saturday night (if memory serves). it involved me getting that dreaded SMS from school, containing my grades and CAP. i don't remember all of it, but i do recall seeing at least 1 C and 1 D. considering i only have 5 modules, that's not very good. scratch that; it's horrendous. this is one of those times where i'm seriously hoping/praying that my dreams DON'T come true.

speaking of school matters, i've got a sneak peek at next semester's timetable. assuming that the information is accurate (and i don't have to retake any modules from this past semester), my core modules' lecture times are monday and thursday, 12:00pm to 2:00pm, 2:00pm to 4:00pm, and 4:00pm to 6:00pm. 6 consecutive hours of lectures, twice a week. don't get me wrong; i'm not complaining. any class time after 10:00am is good with me, since it's in line with my goal of zero morning classes. it so happens that monday and thursday are NUS judo training days too, so that sort of works out nicely. now, i'll just have to choose electives that are consistent with that goal as well...not forgetting labs and tutorials, either. here's hoping that everything works out.

over the next few days, i don't foresee many updates, if any at all. so, here's a brief forecast. might go for NUS training tomorrow, or might just stay at home and go through kata forms again. friday would be a good day to recce (and make use of) the stadium and/or attached gym. i should be heading down to the SJF building on saturday for training. then, sunday to tuesday will be a test of my willpower. the chalet is on, and i have to watch my diet. given that practically everything edible will be junk food anyway, i suppose it comes down to choosing the least of the evils. of course, alcohol doesn't count here. i have plans to get nice and drunk, after all. in the midst of all this activity, i'll have to find time to write (and mail) my christmas cards, which i have promised myself to do before the chalet. nice how everything seems to be falling into place, isn't it?

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Update #2 (3 days after update #1, 2:16pm): another 3 days have passed, and everything is going according to plan, except for one minor hitch. i was feeling kind of sore on thursday, so i stayed at home, watched kata videos, and visualized along. it must have worked to some extent, because yesterday's kata practice went a little smoother than wednesday's did. that was done after a moderately-paced jog/run (12 rounds this time, which should cover a distance of close to 5km) and 5 sets of static exercise, each consisting of 15 dips and 5 20-second sit-ups. yes, i know it still doesn't sound like much, but cut me some slack here. as i've pointed out many times before, it'll be a long, long road to regain my NS-level fitness, not to mention my goal of surpassing it.

like i was just saying, yesterday's kata practice was better than wednesday's, but it still wasn't to the level of precision and general standard that i had in mind. it's mainly the little details that cause the most problems...like limb placements, finishing positions, and transitions from one throw to the next. and let's not forget the left-hand throws, either. you know, it's a variation on the 80-20 rule. 80% of the problems are caused by 20% of the movements. of course, not having a solid person to practise with kind of messes things up too. i still don't have any experience in judging distances and estimating the strength needed to unbalance my partner for each technique. there's also the (not-so) minor problem of getting to know the other role as well. after all, if someone is doing the throwing, someone else has to get thrown too, right? but that can come a little later, i guess. most important thing right now is to master the forms and get used to throwing on both sides.

early this morning (like 4:00am kind of early), i was awakened by stomach problems. let me assure you that that's not the nicest way to wake up. at least there were no accidents, which is something i'm very grateful about/for. this completely out-of-the-blue stomach problem has persisted throughout the day so far, resulting in (1) multiple toilet trips, and (2) me missing Randori Day at the SJF. i can stand the latter, but the former is really starting to annoy me. well...here's hoping that the charcoal pills i've started taking will solve the problem before the chalet tomorrow. though from the current looks of things, i'll have to up my subsequent dose(s).

facebook will one day be the death of me, i swear. it keeps showing me things that i don't need to see. just when i'd thought that i'd come to some semblance of acceptance, it proves me wrong again. oh well. i guess it's for the best that i've chosen to deactivate my account every semester. but no more depressing stuff. i have to get started on my christmas cards, and we don't want to be anything less than happy while writing those, do we?

Vomiting is not a pleasant experience, as i was forced to rediscover last friday night/saturday morning at 4:30am. the weird thing is, the usual associated symptoms of gastric flu didn't follow. it just went from feeling horrible, to throwing up, to feeling much, much better. not that i'm complaining, since i'd rather skip the 2 or 3 days of...expulsions (from both ends, but i think that's too much info already) and feeling like i would be better off dead. on a minor tangent, the vomiting also made me realize that being bulimic is probably the least of my worries, seeing as i don't particularly care for food coming up the wrong way.

saturday and sunday passed without much fanfare...basically lazed around the house and caught up on my big bang theory. finished 2 seasons in just as many days. the show has this odd addictive quality about it. even though most episodes are standalone scenarios (though there are running jokes throughout the seasons), i just had an odd compulsion to keep going on through the list. maybe it's because i actually understand most of the jokes after what i've been taught at NUS. that doesn't mean, however, that an undergraduate science education is required to make sense of the humour in the show (though it does help significantly). i'd wanted to embed a video here, but all the youtube uploaders seem to have disabled embedding for that particular video clip. anyways, if you're interested, search "physicist melts down" on youtube.

let me pause to interject something(s) that happened on saturday night. for the first time in months, i went to my aunt's place for dinner. the first thing she said when she saw me was, "wah! why your hair so long!?" in what i thought was quite a disapproving tone. normally, i wouldn't really mind, but to open a conversation with that line after not seeing me in months, and with that way of delivering it? it felt quite unpleasant. but oh well. no major harm done. the second thing was more amusing than anything else to me. another uncle and aunt had just flown in from new zealand (or australia...one of the above) and were there for dinner as well. so, there was the obligatory catching-up. upon hearing that i was studying chemistry, this uncle made some remarks to the effect of how chem was useless and engineering was better. having heard similar claims in school and elsewhere, i didn't really think much of it at that time. the funny thing was, he messaged me on facebook the next day to apologize. i personally didn't think that an apology was necessary, but i appreciated the gesture nevertheless.

this week is my designated shopping week. not that i have much to buy, so perhaps i should say "window shopping week" instead. anyway, the one thing i've been looking for is a box of decent-looking christmas cards. you would not believe how difficult it is to find one of those! so far, i've looked in J8, as well as in various shopping malls in novena. nothing's turned up yet. everything is either too cute (think those "forever friends" bears in winter wear), too glittery, too religious, or too inappropriate. i don't think my criteria has been set too high...simply a box of 30 or so christmas cards, preferably with a humourous design and a neutral message (like "happy holidays") on the inside. well...i'll be going to thomson plaza later today as attempt #2, and plaza singapura and vivocity tomorrow as attempt #3. if that still fails, i guess i'll just pick up the least objectionable box from wherever i happen to be.

like i just mentioned, i went to novena in an attempt to get christmas cards. the layout of the place confused me to no end! back in 2007 or so, there were only 2 malls there — novena square and united square. fast-forward 3 years, and things like city square, velocity, and square 2 have popped up. until now, i'm still not sure whether velocity is a separate shopping mall, a part of novena square, an extension to novena square, or novena square renamed. navigation was confusing, but manageable in the end.

in addition to novena square, i tried turf city as well. as my previous paragraphs have already stated, nothing fruitful came from the christmas card search. what i did find out more about, however, was car prices. taking a walking tour around the used car dealers in turf city, it seems that my options are severely constrained by my (self-imposed) under $30000 budget. i did get to view certain models of cars, though. the aveo5 impressed me quite a lot. though it looks compact, it has surprisingly large boot space, which means that carrying my bag(s), a semester's worth of paper, a gi or two, a change of clothes, and spare shoes/slippers will definitely be no problem. now, if only i could convince some nice person to sponsor the remaining half of the car's cost, in addition to insurance and road tax.

all in all, my day wasn't wasted yesterday, since i managed to do my car research, get out of the house, buy a nice small bottle of (supposedly) good sake, and get some inspiration for cooking, as well as an idea of what stuff to bring for the judo chalet. which reminds me...i haven't really talked about it yet. actually, there's not much to say. as the name implies, it's a 3-day-2-night chalet for the CJC/SJI judo people, and seniors and coaches are invited. i'm still trying to decide on whether to get car clearance for that period or not. it's a bit more difficult to do so, seeing as i'll be asking for the car from sunday to tuesday for non-work-related stuff. but that can wait for another week or so. as for the chalet's itinerary, well...there isn't one. it's free and easy, except for the wild wild wet visit and the barbeque on the second day. personally, i'm not too inclined to join them for the former activity. after all, i don't mix well with any degree of public nudity. so...perhaps i'll find some other way to occupy myself or something. at present, i'm still trying to determine what my contribution to the chalet will be. all i know for sure now is that it'll be alcoholic, and i've set aside anywhere from $50 to $100 as my budget for that purpose (come on, you can't get the quantity or quality of stuff required for less than $50!). well...perhaps i'll look around some more. worst case is i go back to the cold storage at novena square and buy some items which i saw yesterday.

ok. time to lay down some plans...or more like guidelines, since it *is* the holidays after all, so greater-than-normal flexibility is allowed. in what's left of 2010, i intend to (not in order of importance):

- visit east coast.
- write and send my christmas cards, before and after the judo chalet respectively.
- do a bit more area cleaning.
- go see the christmas lights along orchard road.
- set the record straight with that person.

- recce the bishan gym.
- head down to school to photocopy driving test route maps for my cousin.
- maybe set up a dentist appointment.
- go shopping for chalet stuff (most probably next saturday).
- add whatever i've currently forgotten to this list (updates may come later).

other than that, some other major events include another cousin's wedding this saturday, the turf city gathering's 6th anniversary (on the same saturday as the wedding. may require precision planning), and my boss' birthday (which happens to be on day 2 of the chalet). funny how things just pile on top of each other. anyway, i do want to blog about some other stuff, but not right now. look out for updates on/edits to this post, seeing as (1) the stuff i want to talk about is linked to this post's content, and (2) i have to conserve posts at the moment. meanwhile, time to get showered and head out.

-random thought of the day: Why do I only keep normal sleeping hours DURING the holidays?-

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Update #1 (same day, 9:45pm): i've been to school to photocopy the test routes, and to thomson plaza to check for christmas cards. i found some suitable candidates in quite an unlikely place — NTUC. as it turns out, the NTUC in thomson plaza is a fairprice finest, which means they carry a wider variety of higher-quality stuff (i hope the second bit is true). while i still haven't been able to find a box of cards that satisfies all my requirements, some of those i saw there came pretty close. so that's the last resort/backup plan if tomorrow fails.

as for tomorrow's card-hunting, i realized that i conveniently overlooked a place with pretty high potential — AMK hub. if i remember correctly, i bought my cards from one of the shops there once before. if that fails, i'll go down to plaza singapura. or i might just go down anyway, for the fun of it. and like i said earlier, it's back to thomson plaza if all else fails. i've decided not to go to vivocity after all, as i'm not too inclined towards dealing with crowds.

well...that's it for this short update. update #2 should come within the next few days, or this week at the latest, if it's even coming, that is.

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Update #2 (2 days later, 10:38pm): Surprisingly, the AMK hub visit didn't yield any results, despite having the most promise out of all the venues thus far. so, i ended up going back to thomson plaza to get the "last-resort" box. despite how it sounds, i'm actually pretty happy with the purchase. i mean, it's not my best-case scenario, but it's far from being worst-case. there was one pretty important thing i forgot to check prior to making the purchase, though, and that was the number of people i would be sending cards to this year. going with my intuition, i only bought one box of 12 cards. checking my address list confirmed that that was the right decision. the ideal number would have been about 15 or 16, but 12 works too.

as the years go by, i notice that i'm sending cards to less and less people. granted that i didn't have all that many to start out with as well. as the years go by, some people were added to the list, while more people were removed. i mean, wouldn't you find it odd (nice, but also kind of odd) to receive a card from someone you haven't had any contact with in a year or more? anyway, if i do have a change of mind/heart and decide to send cards to even more people, i'm sure the design i like will still be available for purchase. at any rate, i'm still more than a week away from my mailing deadline, so there's still quite a lot of flexibility.

i'm quite convinced that watching cooking shows on youtube and the TV has messed with my brain function. now every time i go into a supermarket, i'll be instantly drawn to the produce sections to compare prices and see what stuff i could potentially make. sounds like a hobby for someone at least twice my age. bleh. it's practice, i suppose, for when i have to do my own groceries and stuff.

that aside, there isn't really anything of interest going on. it's nice and relaxing, as the holiday should be. oh wait. something slipped my mind. i should mention this year's christmas present to myself. i've got 3 (potentially 4) items for me, and they are: a bottle-opener ring, a set of powerful magnets (which are currently sold out, but i'm hoping that they come back in stock), magnetic silly putty, and — get this — a purple laser pointer, which i'm the most excited about. it was a choice between purple and blue, and though i like the colour blue better, i went with purple because of advice from my inner economist (the purple one was cheaper by about USD90) and my inner scientist (photons of purple light are higher in energy than photons of blue light, leading to more potential applications). all in all, this is going to set me back by around $200, which means that my holiday budget is more than likely to be blown out of the water.

the topic of money issues reminds me about tuition. as of now, i probably have only 1 confirmed student — RJC girl. i'm reluctant to take MGS girl again, partially because i believe she doesn't really NEED tuition, and partially because she stays in tampines. RGS girl...i don't know. i wouldn't mind, but i sure hope she's remembered her stuff from this past year. SJI boy has told me that he's not planning on taking chem in JC, which is just as well. looks like i need to find some new tuition kids...but how? i highly doubt that any of next year's judo sec 4s and J2s will suddenly need tuition (then again, i don't know for sure. odds are low, though). as much as i'm against it, i may end up registering with a tuition agency. well...we'll see how things go, i guess.

right. i think i've stretched this post out long enough. the next post will most likely be used for my cousin's wedding this coming saturday, and another post will focus on the judo chalet and my results. this leaves just 1 or 2 posts for random happenings and similar stuff, so expect to see another multi-part post sometime in the near future.

This post, i'll move away from deep emo stuff and talk about some different (any hopefully less chim) things. off the top of my head, these things include physical chem, public transport, and something quite philosophical.

collecting my physical chem lab reports today gave me mixed feelings. three reports had A+, A and A- respectively, which i'm happy about. the other two were a B-something and a C. i'm still ok with the B; it's the C that i am quite ridiculously pissed off about. you know, this is the worst lab report grade i've received since year 1 sem 1 (when i got a D for not knowing better and handing up a horrible, handwritten report). even then, i could accept that grade better than i can accept this one, because unlike that time with the D, i put in effort (not to mention a lot of time) to write this report.

feeling very unhappy about it, i went to see the TA who marked the report. he showed me the mark scheme, which allocated marks for things that the lab manual didn't tell us to do. how was i supposed to know that we had to plot a temperature vs. time curve!? of course, the argument is that we're university students and should know better. but STILL, i don't quite feel justified. bleh. looking on the bright side, lab only takes up 20%, which is split into 5 reports. on average, each report is worth 4%. getting a C means i lose only about half the marks, or 2%, which doesn't work out to much in the grand scheme of things. well, i suppose i'll survive. doesn't mean i'm happy about it, though.

oh. after collecting my lab reports, i went to visit the year 1 lab, where some kids were undergoing selection for next year's olympiad. didn't really pay much attention to them, since i'm not involved with the olympiad in any way, shape or form. while at the lab, one of the nice lab techs went to visit my blog and narrated some of my posts to me. as i have mentioned several times previously, i'm not exactly proud of my past posts, because they reflect negatively on my maturity and mental state at that time (of course, the same could be said about current posts in the future). nevertheless, i'm still leaving them up here because comparing the posts written in the distant past with the more recent posts, i (would like to) believe that people can see how i've grown/matured over the years. still, it was quite...embarrassing? annoying? to have old posts read out to me. i mean, i'm fine if people read my blog in their private time and then asked me questions about what i wrote a few years ago. today, i realized that i can't handle this kind of live situations. well...to be honest, the prospect of moving the old posts into an archive blog has constantly been on my mind. but i won't act on it...yet.

next thing: public transport. i am SO SICK of bus drivers who can't (or won't) drive smoothly! like today, for instance. out of the 4 bus rides i had (156 to school, 156 back from school, 88, and 54), i wasn't 100% happy with any of them. the main problem is that bus drivers like to brake pretty hard in/over rather close intervals, causing passengers to rock back and forth (hence my facebook status about feeling like a bobblehead on the bus). it's already bad enough when i'm seated, but it reaches a whole new dimension of annoying when i'm standing. you know, i've been so tempted to just go up to the bus driver, and "strongly suggest" to him that he goes back to training school because his braking sucks. don't get me wrong, i know bus drivers have it tough. after all, i know what the sheer terror of driving a car for the first time feels like. given that the average bus is about 6 times larger than a car, i can understand that driving a bus is no walk in the park. but here's the thing: bus drivers are PAID to drive buses! since they're receiving money for it, they should do it well, no? it's like, you wouldn't be happy if you paid me to coach you, and all i said was, "use the ball to knock all 10 pins down", right? further irony is that NUS shuttle bus drivers tend to drive better than SBS drivers. why irony? because the NUS shuttle buses are free. normally, you'd expect to get better quality service for things that you pay for, but that clearly isn't the case here.

and speaking of coaching, that leads me to my next point. i went over to my boss' place earlier this evening. while we had a good time talking over dinner, 2 things kind of annoyed me. the first, and less major thing was that he hasn't sent the coaching invoice to the centre yet, meaning that my (already delayed) paycheck could be delayed even more. but that's not the crux of the problem. the main issue is that it now somehow becomes my responsibility to tell him the dates. the key word here is "responsibility". as the authority figure/leader, i would expect him to take a more proactive role in finding the dates (like asking me, instead of waiting for me to tell him). personally, i feel that owing your subordinates what is due to them (aka. their pay) is one of the worst things a boss can do. personal loans are different; those can be dragged longer. but pay? no. just...no.

the other thing that really annoyed me was his ultimatum: either get a haircut, or don't coach. i know i've blogged about this before, but bear with me. he told me that we might be getting a new school next year. "new" with reference to me, that is; he's worked with the school before, but i haven't. i understand that first impressions do count a lot, and thus, i understand why he wants me to have a certain look when i'm introduced to the kids. but the thing that's been constantly bugging me is WHY? the school knows him, so i'd expect that they should trust him enough to at least give a chance to anyone he brings in. as for the other usual school, i've worked with them long enough that all of the kids in the CCA know me at least by sight if not by name. so i don't really foresee much problem with me having long hair.

like i said, i don't really understand the issue about my hair. it's not like its length will affect my technical knowledge. granted, long hair might give me a less strict look, but i figure that if i'm taking the senior kids, they'll know me well enough to cooperate. and if the junior kids try to be funny, i'll quickly remind them who's running the show. worst case is i tie it back (my hair, not a misbehaving kid...though the latter would be fun as well.). i have no problem with that at all, but i don't know if that'll pass muster in my boss' eyes.

to go one layer deeper into the whole physical appearance thing, i know that it's the societal norm for guys to have short(er) hair. but hey, i can name 2 NUS professors who don't conform to that. then again, they're professors, and are thus above mortal laws. it's seriously bugging me. maybe it's because i've hovered around (or below) "average-looking" for practically all of my life. so, i don't see why looks should matter that much. i actually view it as a blessing in disguise, since i'm not superficial enough to judge people based on looks alone. in fact, if i ever have the chance to interview people for potential jobs, i'll conduct the first round by phone. that way, i won't be influenced by appearance. next, i'll do the traditional interview, but with a relaxed dress code. but that's still quite a ways into the future, so it's mainly reference for now.

but back to the current problem. is it worth giving up my coaching revenue for the sake of hair? personally, i see it as more of a "money vs. personal values" thing. if i want the money, i have to cut my hair, indirectly giving in to the idea of people judging me by my appearance. but if i choose to stick to my guns and keep long hair, i don't get the extra $$ from coaching. and as we all know, we can never have too much money. so...decision time. money or personal belief? actually, i'd choose both. i'm somehow hoping for a compromise, where i can keep my hair (most probably tied back) and still coach at the same time. i suppose the worst-case scenario is that i don't coach and leave my boss to handle the classes single-handedly, which i'm sure he's more than capable of doing. only thing is it might stress him out...unless he somehow finds a replacement for me. i don't know. i won't worry about it for now. for all i know, next semester's modules could totally clash with all coaching times.

last thing before i go to sleep. i've (re-)discovered this song. yes, it's a love song, and is kind of emo. regardless, i'll post it here because i think it sounds good, and the emo stuff isn't related to me. since google didn't really yield any good translations, i've taken the liberty of translating it myself. i hope i haven't distorted the meaning too much.

周华健 — 雨人 好像就从那一个夜晚开始 下起雨 一直没有放过晴 我勾着 那把伞 漂浮在 人群里 慢慢的以为身边还有你 小气的用着那些你的记忆 一点点 就够我看到彩虹 全世界 的颜色 全留在 你那里 我只有不断一直淋着雨 我相信 我爱你 蒙上眼手交给你 慢慢的安心在黑暗中 共有一双眼睛 我要不断 的爱你 不断拼凑了自已 生命中所以好不好的过去 仿佛都在等我遇见你

Emil Chau — Rain Man It's as if it started from that night The weather hasn't cleared up since the rain started I hold onto (literally: hook onto) that umbrella And drift amongst the crowd Slowly imagining that you're still by my side Pettily using those memories of yours A little bit is enough for me to see the rainbow The whole world's colours Are all left with you All I have left is to steadily be drenched by the rain I believe I love you Blindfold myself and give you my hand Slowly and peacefully in the darkness Sharing a pair of eyes I want to love you constantly Continuously piecing myself together It's as if all the past events in my life, good and bad Were all waiting for me to meet you

well, that certainly gave the old chinese muscles a workout. somehow, the chinese version looks better than its translated counterpart. of course, i'm no master translator, so that's to be expected. it most definitely fits the music better too.

ok...i think that's all i have to say for now. in the interest of conserving posts, i'll be either blogging less, or adding on to existing posts. maybe both. at present, i need sleep. i'm probably in for a long day tomorrow/later as i'm meeting the judo kids to celebrate one of their birthdays.

-random thought of the day: Why does my sleep cycle only normalize AFTER holidays begin?-

My last exam ended 2+ hours ago, and my holidays have now officially begun. despite that, i'm not really in the mood to enjoy the break, and here's why. between monday and now, i've taken 2 more papers, namely spectroscopy 2 yesterday, and physical chem today. if i thought i wasn't happy before, i'm positively depressed by now. the difficulty of the 2 papers i just sat for were almost on par with (or even worse than) the first 2 exams.

to describe spectroscopy 2, the phrase "笑里藏刀" comes to mind. literally translated, that's "smile inside hide knife". that's because the lecturer's a nice lady, but she sets one hell of a tough paper. it was annoying, because i threw at least 20 marks back at her already. guess i got psycho-ed into it. during her consultation and lectures, she kept going <hong kong accent>remember to use the information from all spectra when deducing the structure of your compound</hong kong accent>. what she DIDN'T mention was that the spectra could be misleading. the IR spectrum didn't show signs of a benzene ring, so i thought putting one ring into my structure was already pushing it. turns out the correct structure had TWO benzene rings. then again, i supposed i should have been a little smarter. after all, how else can you distribute 9 hydrogens among 13 carbons and 2 oxygens (with other constraints as well)? aside from that, she kind of defied expectations. she specializes more towards the organic side herself, and spent more time on organic spectra during lectures, so we were kind of expecting heavier emphasis on organic. turns out there was more inorganic instead. to sum it up, i kind of feel cheated...not just by the focus of the paper, but on the over-complication of the questions as well. right now, it feels like a B-.

you know, after the paper, my morale just crashed. in fact, i found myself wondering, 'why am i still trying?'. all of a sudden, chem just seemed so foreign and unfriendly. it got bad to the point where i was briefly entertaining the thought of changing majors. yes...it was THAT demoralizing. in retrospect, though, it doesn't seem as bad today. maybe the additional time lessened the pain or something. well, even if i DID want to change major, i wouldn't know what to change to, so looks like i'm stuck here.

as for physical chem, i don't know. i really don't. but considering that i left blanks here and there (and forgot to answer one question, and got a negative activation energy), i'm not expecting too much. not having seen my lab grades, i really can't make a prediction. but i'd like a B, or even B+ if possible, though that may change after i get my lab reports back. long story short, i'm hoping that my CAP increases, or at least stays the same. a decrease now would most definitely not be welcome. but looking at my predictions so far (assuming they're all more or less correct), it's highly likely that i'm looking at a 3.6-something CAP after this semester. this is one of those times where i wouldn't mind being wrong...provided that my actual CAP is higher than my predicted one. for once, i'm hoping that the bell curve works in my favour.

since today was the end of my exams, i reactivated my facebook account. there was some initial reluctance, because i didn't really want to see all the incriminating stuff. but a few clicks of the "delete" button later, it was all gone. so...out of sight, out of mind? i'd like to think so, but i know that that's not going to happen. nevertheless, a quick clean-up later, and it's back to normal use. well, as normal as avoiding certain peoples' profile pages get, anyway. it's quite scary. my facebook has been back on for like 4 hours, and already i'm feeling the odd urge to check in on it every 5 minutes or less. not good. well, i guess shutting facebook off during term time will become a regular thing for me. since i'm the easily-tempted type, i had better remove my potential source(s) of distraction when possible.

well...exams are over, so i'll do my best not to think about them any more. i'll save that for 21 december, when the results come out. meanwhile, i don't have all that many holiday plans. i'm planning to do some area cleaning, as well as packing away this semester's notes. probably have to step out a little while later to get those plastic case thingies that i'm so fond of putting the notes in. if money permits, i'll also do a bit more grocery shopping. and it never hurt to buy my christmas cards early, too. i'm thinking of getting them all done before results day, so that my mood is not negatively influenced while writing them. we'll see how it goes. but first, i have 2 DVDs and a season of the big bang theory to watch, and a new driving music CD to burn.

-random thought of the day: Epicness.-

Now that 2 out of my 4 papers are over, it's time for a mid-point review. in general, i'm not happy. so far, every time i step out of the exam hall, i suddenly remember 2 or 3 key points that should have made it into my answers, but didn't.

more importantly, i realized that one of the 10-mark questions that i attempted (but didn't get correct) in spectroscopy 1 could have been done by a much easier method, which would have given me the correct answer and saved me 15 minutes' thinking time. what makes it suck even more was that that particular concept was covered twice this semester, once in spectroscopy 1 and again in einstein. AND I CLEAN FORGOT!! we're talking about 10 free marks , which comes up to about 2 grades' difference! consequently, i'm more annoyed with myself for losing these 10 marks than i am with myself for losing about 20 marks in another question. at least those 20 marks were well-lost, as i still can't figure out the solution even now. guess it's a learning experience, though i'll have a hard time forgiving myself if my grade turns out to be lower than expected. and speaking of expected, taking lab reports and tests into account, i'm thinking...B to B+, though anything above that would be more than welcome.

as for SS, i didn't really refer much to my notes, even though it was open-book. actually, most of the stuff that i wrote was pretty common-sensical. i wonder how that'll affect my grade, or if it will even affect my grade at all. after all, it's an SS module, and we're not supposed to get all that technical. well, based on perceived performance and established CA results, i'm hoping for a B+.

i know i shouldn't be so concerned about my mistakes. as two of my friends have said, it's no use crying over spilt milk, and this most probably won't matter in the long run. i agree with the first statement, but the second...i don't know. the worst thing that could possibly happen is that that the accumulation of many such idiotic mistakes end up costing me my chance at honours. as long as that doesn't happen, it'll be easy to let those mistakes go.

you know, it's the mistakes which leave a negative impact that are the hardest to forgive. the mistakes that don't have a permanent adverse effect on you are much easier to let go of. for instance, my idiotic slip-up during A-levels, when i gave the definition for nuclear fusion when the question asked for fission (or vice versa, i can't recall the exact thing right now). i beat myself up over it for a while, but when the A came back, it got demoted from "unforgivable error" to "funny anecdote". i'm just hoping that something similar will happen here.

if there's one revelation i've had in the past 3 days, it's that once you get to university (or maybe it's just NUS), you can't use the secondary school/JC style of mark allocation any more. it might still work for science and engineering, but not most other faculties. it's kind of scary, because you see 10 marks allocated to a question. looking back at your short answer, you start wondering, 'did i write enough? is there something else the professor wants me to do?' along with a million other doubts and fears. it's not so bad for science, since you know you're more or less right, except when you have zero idea about how to begin the question, much like that 10-mark question i mentioned earlier. looking at the marks allocated, i thought i was in for a full page of working. then when the paper ended, i found out that the actual answer only takes up about 6 lines. anticlimactic, can!? and, needless to say, it pissed me off to no end that i didn't see something that easy.

well...i'll do my best not to think about what i can't salvage. have to focus on spectroscopy 2 and physical on thursday and friday respectively. incidentally, i received a nice surprise today. remember that make-up physical chem test i did? turns out i scored really well on it...like "21/25" kind of well. how's that for unexpected? it's nice that the result came back at this time, because i sure as hell need a morale booster after going through 2 finals and making idiotic errors. of course, i can't allow myself to get complacent, as goodness knows my physical chem could use a LOT of improvement.

so, that's that. i'll probably update again after my finals end. meanwhile, i need sleep, as i've been up since 4:30am. tomorrow will be spent studying and cooking a little (i seem to be developing a cooking habit). as a reminder, i want to talk about jobs in my next update, and potential jobs for me in future.

-random thought of the day: Time to replace my graphics card.-

As usual, reading week is passing by too fast for my liking. in the end, i ended up scrapping the study plan, and went according to whatever i felt like studying. needless to say, physical chem hasn't been receiving all that much attention. but that's ok, since it's the last paper and i still have buffer time, revision-wise.

right now, i'm feeling...full. i just came back from a nice japanese buffet dinner, so that's to be expected. but that's just a nice coincidence. by "full", i actually mean academic-wise, for my spectroscopy 1 module, to be exact. it's like, i know all the concepts already. now the thing is whether i'll be tripped up by annoying little details, like remembering to divide a value by 2, or defining the energy levels correctly. then again, if i get caught by these things, it just means that i don't know the concepts well enough, right? it sucks! in fairness, though, the past-year paper was doable. the trick is to know exactly what the question's asking for, and to be able to recall the relevant formula/concept very very quickly. i don't know...i really don't feel like looking at it any more, but if i don't, and something that i didn't bother to pay attention to actually comes out, i know i'll seriously kick myself. arrgh. perhaps tomorrow will bring new motivation.

my other modules are on backburner for now, but i don't feel too good about them either. take SS for instance. it's an open-book exam, so there's not much advantage in being able to remember content. as the lecturer herself said, it focuses more on application. at the start of the semester, i mentioned that i wouldn't mind using an S/U on this module. now that i've actually gone through the module's content, i'm quite prepared to take that statement back. from the looks of it, an A grade is actually achievable. maybe it's because my confidence is boosted by my good results from the CA component. i mean. no point wasting a high mark, right? might as well go all the way. of course, the ultimate decision whether to S/U it or not will only be made after results come back.

spectroscopy 2's situation is somewhat like SS, except the "good CA results" part. from what i've seen so far, my lab reports don't look that bad (more on that later), and my mid-term SEEMS to be on the above-average side. logically, things should be looking up. unfortunately, the finals include UV spectroscopy, and guess how many lectures of that i attended? give yourself a prize if you said "zero". so...yes. you see the problem. thankfully, i was able to crash-course through most of it during consultation with the nice lecturer today. doesn't really do much for my confidence, but it helped, nevertheless.

over the past few days, i've been collecting my lab reports. i've got both spectroscopy modules' reports back, but not physical. it's understandable, because we had 5 reports for physical as compared to 4 and 3 for spectroscopy 1 and 2 respectively. still, it shouldn't take this long! as you can see, not knowing the physical lab grades is killing me. the grades of the reports that i've already gotten back range from A+ to B+, and i'm generally pleased with that. it's quite satisfying to see this kind of grades, especially when remembering how much i stewed over some of the data. hopefully that gives me a slight advantage in the CA component.

the one thing i don't like about most of the lab reports is that there are practically no comments. that's kind of acceptable for the A+ reports, because the grade tells me that i didn't screw anything up too badly. still, it would be nice if the TA(s) marking the report could at least tell me what they liked about it, or which sections were well-written. as for the non-A+ reports, i would really really like feedback. that's not to say that feedback is completely absent, but a few circles here and there just doesn't cut it as far as telling me what i need to improve on is concerned. admittedly, i rarely write feedback on my tuition kids' tests as well, but at least i'm there to explain things to them face-to-face. the TAs are too busy to do something similar, so i think that they should at least write their thoughts down for us to reflect upon. or maybe they find that difficult as well, due to the sheer volume of stuff that they have to mark. who knows? guess i'll find out for myself, should i have the opportunity to become a TA in future.

i suppose that i should talk a bit about yesterday. one of the judo kids organized a movie/dinner outing, seeing as (1) it was a public holiday, (2) he was done with his O-levels, and (3) it was his birthday. in light of my saturday exam, i had the good sense not to join them for the movie. incidentally, they watched harry potter 7: part 1. as i later found out from them, it was boring, so no great loss on my part for missing it. besides, i personally prefer to read the book. reading gives me more freedom to imagine how my character looks like (though i must admit that how i imagined snape to look like was heavily influenced by alan rickman after i watched the first movie).

recovering from my little digression, i met them while they were having dinner at marina square. in the...year or so that i haven't been there, there have been many many changes, which i will not list out as i lost track of them myself. anyway, after they were finished with dinner, we went for pool and bowling. didn't do so well at pool, but managed not to throw my face at bowling. considering the kids know i'm qualified as a coach, getting beaten by any of them would do some serious harm to my reputation. surprisingly, some of the kids have pretty good bowling sense, and, if they were given some training, they would make pretty decent bowlers. too bad they see it as more of a recreational thing than anything else. all in all, it was a welcome break from staring at organic molecules and formulae.

unfortunately, the outing also gave me some unwelcome stuff to think about. as you can probably guess by now, that person's involved again. i know i've previously said that i'd given up, that it just wasn't worth it, that i should just move on. but after looking at a photo of that person, i realize that i can't. no matter what that person does (within reasonable, rational limits, of course), i'll always feel something for them...even if they don't feel the same way back, and even if it kills me inside to see some of the things that they're doing. that's bad, because that person holds way too much emotional leverage over me. i'm just grateful that this is not something widely-known, so that person can't really exploit it. i think we're due for another talk, this time with me coming clean for real, and bringing the dreaded "L" word into play, which is something that i have more or less refrained from doing thus far.

well...yes. i really hope that the issue in the above paragraph doesn't affect my studies much. goodness knows i need my CAP to rise. oh well. have to remind myself to focus.

-random thought of the day: Next post prompt — Talk about Snape.-

-------------------------

*Friday, 19 November 2010, 2:36pm*

To avoid adding on to my total post count, as well as to the number of posts that mention depressing stuff, i've decided to just add on to yesterday's post. i'm supposed to talk about snape. if you've read harry potter, you'll know that he's ultimately a good guy. and the thing that turned him to the good side and kept him there was love. i can't help wondering, though, how he felt when the love of his life married, and even had a child with, another man. after i finished all 7 books, i kind of understood why he was so horrible to harry potter.

you know, i think snape's a greater man than i am. had i been in his shoes, i don't think i could have done what he did. as it is right now, i'm already having a tough time suppressing my winces when i see something that i would have been better off not seeing. asking me to watch that person get married and have kids would be something akin to torture. well, it hasn't happened yet, so i don't know for sure. even then, i can safely say that it will most likely not be pleasant.

in army, i've often heard that people dislike what you do, not who you are (unless your character's seriously messed up). i wonder if it's the same here. i still like that person for who they are, but the things that they do are seriously annoying me to no end. worst thing is, i don't think they're doing it on purpose. and just between us, i'm being unreasonable, because i have no right to feel annoyed at what that person's doing. i wonder how long it'll take before this whole thing stops? or maybe it's just me being dramatic. and if there's one thing i've learnt from various conflicts in the family, it's that drama is bad for my health.

well...i'd better not dwell on it so much for the next 7 days. after all, i need all the brain space i can spare for examinable content. i should go through my spectroscopy 1 notes at least thrice more before tomorrow's exam. i'm determined not to be tripped up by any more irritating little details.

Can you believe that it's reading week already? i can, but only barely. seems like just not too long ago when summer break ended and school restarted. now, there are only 2 more weeks before i'm on my end-of-year holiday.

this post is likely to be a heavy one, as there are several topics (debts, feelings, and maybe others) that i'm going to talk about in great detail. but before all those, let's plan out my reading week/exam period first:

saturday (today) — planning, maybe a bit of physical chem
sunday — physical chem, grocery shopping
monday — cooking, physical chem, SS
tuesday — spectroscopy 1, spectroscopy 2
wednesday — physical chem, SS
thursday — spectroscopy 1, spectroscopy 2 (and consultation in school)
friday — spectroscopy 1
saturday — spectroscopy 1 exam, SS
sunday — SS
monday— SS exam, physical chem
tuesday — physical chem, spectroscopy 2
wednesday — spectroscopy 2
thursday — spectroscopy 2 exam, physical chem
friday — physical chem exam, holiday begins

that's the rough plan for now, and any changes should just be minor ones. after all, i can't change the exam dates. i'm kind of grateful that everything will be over within the first week. while it means that i have less time to study, it also means that the overall pain will last for a shorter period of time as well. interestingly enough, none of my exams are at any of the MPSHs this time round. instead, my exams are in the SDE building as well as in several halls of residence. would be nice if i was staying in those halls...i could wake up like 10 minutes before the paper was due to begin and still make it to the venue on time. and by some further odd coincidence, all my papers begin at 9:00am on their respective days. i'm not too worried for the saturday exam, since i'll have the car. but for the three weekday exams, camping in the central library is starting to sound oddly tempting, since i don't trust myself (or the morning traffic) enough to ensure my timely arrival. well...we'll see how things go. best-case scenario is that i'll manage to get half-day use of the car for my exam days.

seeing as today would be my last worry-free day for a while, i decided to go down for training. and it so happened that the dojo wasn't booked or something. so...impromptu free day once again. sian. dropped one of the juniors home first, then met up with the rest at j8 for lunch. as usual, seeing that person gave me a stab of something unpleasant, which i would now identify as jealousy. i can't explain it. i want that person to be happy, i really do(...or do i?). but now that that person is happy, why am i still feeling this way? it sucks. here's hoping that it'll get better after my christmas cards go out this year.

oh. while on the topic of judo...i made quite a girly purchase yesterday, and bought hair-ties. the link isn't immediately obvious, so here's the explanation. i figured that if my hair was going to grow long, i might as well tie it back during training to avoid having it fly all over the place, hence the purchase. issue is, some parts of my hair are long enough to be a nuisance, but aren't long enough to be tied up. guess i'll have to wait for the not-long-enough parts to grow out. and i learnt that tying hair up isn't that easy. like...how do you know you've tied it at the centre of the back of your head? my eyes certainly can't see 180 degrees behind me. i'm guessing that it's an intuition/practice thing. most girls do it regularly from young, so by the time they're my age, they can do it really easily compared to me, since the first time i tried it was like a few days ago. maybe i should experiment with different types of bands...within reasonable guy-limits, of course.

like i mentioned before, i want to talk about debt. not just in terms of money, but in terms of what the chinese would call "ren qing", which approximately translates to "favours" in english. you see, my boss had a gout attack a while ago, and he's taking longer than usual to recover from it. so, while he's semi-incapacitated, he's been calling me to help him buy food and other essentials. i'm not opposed to doing so, considering that he's something of a big-brother cum father-figure cum a whole lot of other stuff in my life. i must admit that i do find it a little irritating that he hasn't offered to pay me back for the stuff i've got for him. but then again, i personally feel that i'm not quite justified to feel this way. consider this: i've known him since i was sec 2. in our 8 years of acquaintance, he's spent WAY more money on me (food, transport, other random stuff) than i've spent on him. so, by right, i shouldn't be complaining at all. there is a slight technicality here, though. right now, my income's dried up. so, this is what i would classify as "unplanned expenditure". if tuition was still on, i'd have absolutely no problem with spending a little more than usual. also, i wouldn't feel this way if he'd at least offered to pay...that way, i can accept and refuse payment on my own terms. oh well...it's not like i desperately NEED every single cent. besides, i still have a couple of coaching paychecks incoming.

as you can see from the above paragraph, some debts can't be quantified. even if i were to settle the monetary aspect completely, how do you put a price on life lessons? or for someone being there to listen to you and to offer advice when you're stuck in life? it's like i'm permanently indebted to him, because without him, army life would have been a lot less bearable, and i might not have gone for level 1 coaching qualification. so, i am obligated to do whatever i can for him. likewise, i would assume (and secretly hope) that the kids that i'm looking after will do something similar for me in the years to come. granted that i haven't been taking care of them to such an extent, so i shouldn't expect too much. well...whatever happens happens. no point in me trying to guess how the future will turn out.

i think i've dragged this post out long enough, so i'll just end here. i may or may not drop by the library (both public and school) tomorrow, depending on how things go. i will do some shopping, though, since i have cooking plans for monday. next update will come...who knows? i have to ration my posts carefully if i want two significant events to coincide.

-random thought of the day: Either my graphics card or driver is screwing up badly.-

Early this morning (12:00+am kind of early), i was at the airport to see one of my friends off on his flight to germany. if you remember, i met up with him over the national day weekend as well, because he'd thought he'd be flying off around that time. throw in some unforeseen delays, and long story short, he just flew off about 14 hours ago. like i've mentioned in that post around national day, our friendship started off kind of oddly. nevertheless, it's grown to become a solid one over the years, and i'll kind of miss him. he'll be back for a bit in march, so i expect that we'll meet up for something at that time.

while driving one of our mutual friends home from the airport (you didn't think that i was the only one there to send him off, did you?), our conversation led to a thought, which goes something like, 'we've all really grown up, haven't we?'. comparing us as we are now to our secondary school selves, it's like we're the same, and yet different at the same time. of course, there's no denying that we've changed in both mind and body since then, what with going through NS, getting driver's licenses and stuff like that. kind of hard to believe, actually, that we've come all this way since our time in cat high. i can only imagine what it'll feel like, several years from now when we're looking back again.

our conversation in the car also gave me several things to think about. this particular friend's preferences and thought processes are kind of different from mine (for instance, he wants a tattoo, while i am dead-set against getting one). there's no saying who's right or wrong...after all, everyone's entitled to their own thoughts and beliefs. in spite of the fact that i couldn't (and still can't) see eye-to-eye with some of his viewpoints, we have (as he put it) agreed to disagree on the things which we don't have in common. i must say, it's a nice surprise to find out that we click reasonably well, even after 7 years of zero contact.

aside from that, this past week has been kind of demoralizing. i actually studied physical chem until i got a headache. those numbers, symbols and stuff are just not sinking in! it's annoying, to say the least, especially when there's a test this coming thursday and finals like 2 weeks later. well, after this semester, i won't (voluntarily) touch physical chem again.

speaking of finals, i suppose i should mention that next week is the last week of school. then, it's reading week, followed by exams. surprisingly, i still feel that this semester's content is relatively light. maybe it's because i don't know exactly how much i don't know. or optimistically speaking, it could be because the lecturers were good enough to make substantial content seem lighter. i don't know. at any rate, i'll have to buckle down and make sure that the things i need to know stay in my head at least until the respective finals are over.

while i feel like blogging about other things, the blogging mood has kind of evaporated. so, i guess i'll just condense the remaining thoughts into several short fragments. (1) no more tuition with that girl; thank goodness. (2) no more tuition at all, which means no income. (3) are some friendships worth maintaining? (4) i should get into better shape, though my lack of motivation is annoying. (5) my judo technical knowledge needs to improve. (6) I WANT A CAR!!! (7) my graphics card/driver is screwing up. well, that's about it for now. updates will come...whenever.

-random thought of the day: "Melon" and "lemon" sound very similar.-

Defying my lazy impulses and going for training yesterday was a pretty good decision overall, though it's made me question myself a fair bit. before we go into the self-doubt, let's recap why it was good.

first off, the junior who went to the UK is back! for only about one more week, though. nevertheless, it was nice to see her during training and the subsequent outing. i think she'll be around for like 1 or 2 more sessions before she flies back next saturday.

when i was entering the dojo, the first odd thing i noticed was the disproportionate number of black belts. upon closer inspection, most of them didn't even belong to the club! sure, i've seen them at competitions and grading, but it was kind of stunning to see them where they wouldn't normally be. after changing up and making the necessary bows (5, compared to the usual of 3 or less), i found out that IJC (island judo club, not innova junior college) was invited to a combined training session with CJC/SJI. being a combined training, it was more for the social/friendship aspect, so training consisted mostly of inter-club sparring. i went for a couple of matches, mostly with big guys. that was the first indicator of deprovement.

the second indicator came just after training, when i asked a couple of seniors to help me refresh my kata. despite having a good partner, the movements felt stiff and jerky, which is my fault. i also seem to have psycho-motor problems, because i can't do the left-side throws properly. this is causing me some worry. i mean, considering my supposed level of skill and technical knowledge, the reacclimatization time shouldn't be this long. things should just fall into place after a quick warm-up, and that obviously did not happen. to use an analogy from bowling, it's sort of like the ability to throw strikes at will (not that i can do that either, mind you...it's just a comparison). anyways, i'm not panicking YET, considering the grading's next june/july/august. there's still quite a bit of buffer time. nevertheless, i'd like to get familiar with judging the distances and fitting my body into the throwing positions. and don't forget, i need to know both the attacker and defender roles, because i have to alternate roles with my partner.

after training, we went to plaza singapura for lunch/a post-training outing thing. it was nice to spend time with the juniors (and fellow seniors who came along) after not seeing them for something like close to 2 months. there was one little drawback, though, which i will talk about later. incidentally, i learnt that there is a possibility of the iphone 5 coming out next july or so, so i'm going to hold back on phone purchases for now. worst case is that the iphone 5 doesn't come out, and i end up getting an iphone 4 or some other phone that looks appealing at that point in time.

the rest of saturday passed pretty uneventfully. gave tuition, which was thankfully the second-last session. once more sometime this week, and i won't have anything to do with that girl again. what a relief, considering that i need to focus on my own upcoming exams, too.

today was nothing special, too. went back to school to print notes and do the usual routine stuff. sent my spectroscopy lecturer an email...hope the response is favourable, because i need all the help i can get.

now, for the one thing that didn't go quite as well on saturday. going for judo naturally meant that i had to see that person. strangely enough, i felt pretty neutral, except perhaps for a slight twinge of jealousy and regret. there nothing hostile (to that person, at least...can't say the same for others). it's weird...like all strong emotions have just up and left. if asked two weeks ago, i would probably have volunteered to up knife mountain, down oil wok (borrowing and literally translating a chinese phrase) for that person. now...i'm not so sure. it's kind of scary, because i don't know when this change happened, or what could have caused it. i mean, you don't just stop feeling for a person overnight, do you?

i'm actually quite worried that this happened. just imagine this scene: ten years later, i wake up one day, go to my spouse, give them my wedding ring, and say, "i don't love you any more. i'll be moving out within the day." yes, i know you all probably think it's irrational, and that a million other factors could (and do) come into play, but considering how my feelings just...stopped, the possibility is there. and like i said before, that scares me quite a bit. then again, i wouldn't agree to marry someone unless i really loved them, so i guess i won't just walk out on anyone. knowing myself, i would fully commit myself if/when the right person came along. guess this wasn't the right one, then. nevertheless, i want to make peace with that person before the year ends. after all, that person is first and foremost a friend, and screwing a friendship (any more than it's already been screwed, that is) over something like this is kind of idiotic. maybe that'll put my hyperactive imagination to rest as well.

ok...four-day work week this coming week, but it's not any slacker than usual. have to submit my last lab report of the semester, as well as the einstein group story. have to make a few adjustments to the latter, though...i don't quite like some minor things about the current version. other than that...one last tuition session, possible consultation with my professor, maybe going back for training on wednesday, and meeting up with one of my friends before he flies off to germany to study music. coincidentally, both his and the judo junior's flights are scheduled for saturday. don't know what time exactly, though...so it looks like i may be spending quite a bit of time at the airport on that day.

-random thought of the day: Ever get the feeling that you don't know yourself as well as you ought to?-