Getting revelations through dreams is not unheard of, but it's rare for me. so, i was surprised when i woke up from a nap earlier with the following thought in my head, 'one reason it didn't work out was that the ex was afraid to be vulnerable around me'. i don't even remember the dream that gave rise to this. but upon reflecting about it for a while, i guess that it makes sense. the ex always mentioned how they hated to let anyone, even the mother, see them when they were sick or just not at their best. to be fair, they were vulnerable around me on like, at least 3 separate occasions during our relationship. perhaps i didn't give off that aura of assurance or steadiness that they needed. that's consistent with the lack of security they felt with me, i guess. not sure if i could have done anything to make that better. you know, i think that after 22 months of dating, couples should be comfortable enough to be vulnerable in front of each other, tell each other about their own insecurities, and more importantly, take steps to overcome those insecurities with their partners. i guess that wasn't the kind of relationship we had. the ex told me that their (sometimes hurtful) reactions were meant as banter, which i will say is a legitimate way of communication - only when both partners perceive it the same way. part of me wishes i had cared a little less about the ex's feelings, and just applied my newton's third law philosophy. but well...too late.

there was another thing that came to me in a dream. this time, it was the structure of a platinum compound. i have no idea whether it's possible to synthesize, let alone if it will have any anticancer effect. weird thing about this dream is that it was so detailed! i remember seeing molecular models of the compound binding to something, and having data from some biological assays. perhaps i should read up on it. after some reading, it turns out that one of the products that would be released is a neurotoxin, so no. i'm not one for prophetic dreams, after all. oh well. we can't all be like kekulé and make dream-inspired revolutionary discoveries, can we?

HOLD EVERYTHING. as i was writing, a brainwave came to me. it's so simple that i can't believe i didn't think of it sooner. the idea is to cut out the middle linker and tether the 2 molecules directly. i've had a successful precedent for the methodology (with a different molecule) just a few days ago. if it works, i'll have a compound out as soon as next wednesday. i don't want to get my hopes up too high, especially since my small success this week was followed by a bigger failure, but i'm keeping my fingers crossed.

on a slightly more positive/happier note, i got myself a small breakup present. or perhaps i should say that it's a small "i survived the breakup" present. it's a ring made of tungsten carbide, blue in colour, with a white-coloured blue lantern corps emblem laser-engraved on. at least, i think it's laser-engraved. the size is a little bit small (my bad there), but it's ok. i didn't intend to wear it on my fingers...not while they still come into regular contact with various chemicals, anyway. my intention is to hitch it onto a thin leather strip/cord, and wear it around my neck. which leaves me in search of the aforementioned leather strip/cord. there are a few craft shops around, but all seem to be in the town-ish area. guess i'll have to schedule a trip to spotlight soon. been ages since i've been to dhoby ghaut. though admittedly, it's probably equally convenient since i still have a direct train, albeit on a different line and with more stops. perhaps sometime next week.

right, i guess that'll do. going to spend some time rereading old posts, then turn in. upcoming events include karaoke with scary friend and the chemistry guys, a JET programme briefing, and going to bali. might elaborate on those over the next few posts. also, maybe i should talk about a few of my more interesting grabhitch encounters.

-random thought of the day: Find motivation.-

Dealing with grief has 5 or 6 stages, according to an article i read. there's: shock (some pieces omit this), denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. somehow i feel that this doesn't necessarily apply exclusively to grief, but to negative events in general that are sufficiently upsetting. or maybe that's not entirely accurate too. perhaps it applies to different forms of grief. the most common scenario in which i've seen this being used is to cope with the passing of a loved one. thankfully, my scenario is only coping with the death of a relationship. but anyway. i'd thought that i had went through all the stages and accepted it already, until i felt an inexplicable surge of anger on wednesday. that's what also prompted me to read up on the stages, by the way. the article i read said that anger can occur at any time of the grieving process, which probably means that i'm not as over it as i'd thought?

so, i thought i'd do a bit more of an in-depth analysis...going through the stages, understanding where i stand, and perhaps why the anger is/was still there. it's probably a good thing that (i think) i skipped a few stages, or went through most of them as the relationship was still dying. i don't think there was much/any shock, perhaps only when the ex told me that they still couldn't love me after 22 months. denial mostly manifested in the thought that if i held on just a bit longer and focused on happy moments, something would change and the relationship wouldn't end. the thought process was similar for bargaining, in that i thought that if i improved my physical appearance by a certain time, the ex would be more willing to be intimate, and that would somehow save the relationship. i wouldn't really say that i went through depression, more like sadness that we were heading towards a breakup despite my efforts to be patient and accommodating. as for acceptance, i had accepted within myself that a breakup was the best way forward, and that there would be no turning back. have to thank scary JC friend for that, because she told me that she would only initiate a breakup if she really meant it, and not use it as a power play or for mind games. i think that's a great mentality to adopt.

which leaves anger. i guess i'm angry because the ex had been rather inconsistent throughout the relationship, in the sense that there are double standards. for instance, the ex said that they couldn't love me because i wasn't kind enough and that they didn't feel secure with me. and yet, they loved their first ex despite being cheated on, lied to, and generally being treated badly. bear in mind that the ex's definition of love is "i'd die for you". i'm not expecting them to die for me, but the fact that they'd rather die for someone who treated them like that, as opposed to me, is rather...difficult to swallow. i guess you could say i'm angry because i feel that it's unfair to me. and during our breakup conversation, the ex did mention that they could have looked past the physical aspect if only i had been kinder. i highly doubt that. thing is, that never came up as a reason for not wanting intimacy. the main factor that had been brought up from the start was my lack of a nice body. so i'm taking that with a pillar of salt. of course, that may have been said to leave a better impression of them in my mind, but i won't question their motives too far. it's way too late for that now, anyway. to bring that back to anger, perhaps i'm angry that i was being taken for a fool, or that even up to the point of breaking up, the ex still didn't give a reason which i personally found satisfactory. but well, as one of my friends (whose ex broke up with him over his temper) said, if they want to break up with you, anything you do will be perceived as wrong. so there's that. and i suppose a part of it had to do with lack of reciprocation. major example here being the valentine's day conversation. i realize i haven't blogged about it, so i'll give a quick summary. after our valentine's dinner this year, i half-jokingly suggested to the ex that since i had been the one planning valentine's days for the past 2 years, it would be their turn next year. their first response was "then i'll disappear that day", and there was no follow-up "i'm joking!" or anything like that. i don't know if i'm being sensitive, but seriously, that made me feel rather lousy. even "but it makes me feel special and loved when you do things like that" would have been better, and i likely would have agreed to continue doing it. maybe this might put into perspective why i felt that the ex was taking excessively without giving much in return. and no, throwing money for expensive gifts doesn't count for much in my book. i'd rather have something cheap and hand-made than any of the high-end portable consoles. the former shows more effort, i think.

regarding that bit about unfairness, i came across this in the past week by sheer coincidence. it's a quote by captain picard (played by patrick stewart, whom i first knew for his portrayal of professor x) from star trek: the next generation. it goes "it is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. that is not a weakness, that is life". and speaking of signs, it seems the universe at large has been pushing me in the direction of moving forward. for instance, the wifi in school died last weekend. i thought my computer was giving up on me, so i changed my password (which used to contain the ex's number). that kind of spurred me on to remove more remnants of our relationship. my friend gave us a couple's gift once...matching black rubber wristbands with the batman logo and "partners in crime" written on them. i have no idea what the ex did with theirs, but i hung mine on the gear stick in the car. i replaced it with another wristband that i got some time ago from an event. i'm also thinking of selling the 2DS, PS vita, and maybe the 3DS. i've also deleted our chat, changed my phone wallpaper, and deleted my grabhitch routes to and from their place. you may call these actions minor or even petty, but i think they have helped to some extent. have to change my desktop password next; i keep forgetting.

i guess that helped to sort out my emotions a little better. at least i somewhat understand the reasons for how i've been feeling this past week. to not cause anyone to worry excessively, most days have been good, really. just that the odd bad day will catch me unawares. thankfully, my chemistry friends are (and have been) here for me, so i have people to fall back on if it gets too daunting to solo it.

on the topic of potential relationships, i had dinner with someone last sunday, and we had fairly enjoyable conversation. that is, until they brought politics in. this person is a hardcore supporter of the ruling party. nothing wrong with that. thing is, they were trying to evangelize and "convert" me. not the right thing to do on our first one-on-one meeting and third meeting overall, if you ask me. if we were to date, we could probably work past the difference of opinion. but the more i interact with this person, the more i think we'd be a poor fit. for instance, this person is really into shopping and buying branded stuff. while i'm not dead-set against it, it suggests to me that this person is rather superficial. and more recently, i've noticed that this person likes to take pictures of good-looking guys and worse, set such photos as their profile picture on line (the app). by "take photos of", i don't mean like approaching them and asking "hey can i have a picture with you?", but more like those stalker-type sneaky shots. it's quite disgusting, now that i really think about it. shows lack of consideration for the subject. what's worse is that this person is extremely adverse to having their photo taken, so where's the whole "do unto others" thing? too bad, i found them quite attractive. but as you know, good looks don't make up for questionable character.

that should do it for this post. i should really blog about more positive stuff, huh? having such depressing stuff can't be good for my readership. thankfully i don't make money from this. anyway, i'm just going to check on my reaction and head home. hopefully my synthesis works.

-random thought of the day: Better to be single and happy than partnered and miserable.-

Almost 48 hours after the breakup, i'm doing ok. more or less anyway, given the circumstances. one noticeable change is that over the past 2 days, i've been more sensitive than usual to feelings and emotions, those of sadness in particular. like, i was watching random recommended youtube clips, and there was one of naruto (the anime character) meeting his parents. not going to sidetrack too much, but if you don't know why this is a sad moment, it's because his parents sacrificed their lives to protect him when he was a baby, and he grew up alone and ostracized, only meeting them (well, energy forms of them) when he was 16. the manga's been out for so long that i think this hardly qualifies as a spoiler. but anyway, that video brought forth a fresh flow of tears, to the point where my nose got temporarily blocked up. guess it's the after-effects of what happened.

one of my friends told me that he deals with breakups by immersing himself in work. so whenever his productivity suddenly skyrockets, his colleagues know what happened. i'm considering that; it might not be a bad thing since that i have to get the compound out ASAP. actually, i needed to get the compound out like, 3 months ago, but we work with what time we have now. somehow, the reactions aren't as straightforward as they should be. i'm not getting any of my products! and that's a big big worry. hopefully i can make something in the remaining 18 days of september. if i can pull that off, there'll still be a chance for thesis submission by next january.

also been thinking about other aspects of moving forward, like potential new relationships. at this point, i'm not actively looking for one. i've been thinking that i should have some me-time and learn to adapt back to being single. there are a few people in my social circles whom i find attractive, though i can't determine if the feeling is mutual. if the opportunity for a relationship presents itself, i wouldn't be hasty in either accepting or dismissing the possibility. it will require a fair bit of evaluation, especially since the wounds are still rather raw now. the one guiding principle above all is to treat the other person fairly, meaning that it shouldn't be a rebound relationship, and i shouldn't think of the next person as a replacement for the ex.

by now, i think most of the people important to me know about what happened. their reactions have ranged all the way from emphatic ("i know how you feel"), joyful ("congratulations/well done!"), supportive ("let's have dinner soon"), _______ (fill in an adjective that describes "i can only imagine how you must feel"), to concern (how're you doing?"). chemical engineer cousin also reminded me not to dwell on it too much, and not ruminate excessively over the whole situation. no doubt i will inevitably think about it once in a while, but i won't let it consume me.

you can probably see that my support network has been truly amazing in catching me at these low moments. it's easy to forget that they exist when things go well, and only turn to them in times of need. i hope i'm not such a person. and of course, i owe them my thanks, and more. interestingly, one mentor figure said that i might be too concerned about others and not about myself, hence my ability to wait so long for the ex. i wonder if that means i have to be more selfish. well, maybe not selfish per se, but maybe i have to consider my own interests and needs more in future relationships. good learning point too.

still haven't written the letter to the ex. don't dare to. not sure if i want to while everything is so fresh. but it will have to happen, sooner or later. maybe just before or after bali.

-random thought of the day: Please let my reactions work!-

Starting with the condensed version of this post: i'm single again, (some) tears were shed. if that already sounds too depressing, don't read any further.

it's been almost a week since the last post. and considering the week before that when we already weren't really talking that much, i had about 2 weeks to prepare for it. things started off rather normally...dinner at tanjong pagar, short trip to JEM, then back to the partner's place, where i sat them down at the void deck for a (the) talk. i began by asking them how they defined love. and the answer was they would be willing to die for a person that they loved. clearly, i'm not at the to-die-for stage (pun intended). so that's fine. next question was, what was preventing me from reaching that stage? answer - i'm not kind enough. seems like the partner expects someone to be at least 10 times more patient and understanding towards strangers than i am. and unfortunately, that's just not my character. apparently, the partner said that if i was kinder, that would supersede the physical aspect. well...who knows. i'm not going to get caught up in debating too much about would-haves and could-haves, nor will i read too deep into whatever the partner said now. after all, it's too late already.

we shared some honest conversation, and the partner told me that i made them feel special, accepted them for who they are, and went above and beyond a normal boyfriend's "job scope" in doing romantic gestures. and despite all of that, no love. i was reminded of the nokia CEO's famous statement, "we did everything right, and we still lost" (paraphrased). granted, i don't think i did EVERYTHING right...i'd rate myself at about 70% for rightness. but as i told the partner, i'm not attempting to assign blame or credit. the partner also told me that they thought love was a feeling, like one day they were expecting to wake up and go, "oh, i love him now". my opinion kind of differs. yes, there has to be some feeling for love to occur, but a large part of it is also choice. like how you can choose to suppress your love for a person and never tell them (quite unhealthy, by the way), choose to love them even when there's conflict, and as i've recently experienced, choose to love them despite them not loving you. the partner did apologize, for being selfish, among some other things as well. i didn't quite know what to apologize for. i guess for not being the partner's ideal boyfriend, and for my lack of patience relative to them.

i also told the partner that i treasured our time together, and that's the 100% truth. while i think it was a learning experience, another part of me wishes that i could have learned the lesson sooner. but hey, better late than never, right? the relationship was good for me too, and i told the partner as much. being with them did help me to mellow out a fair bit, and to their credit, the partner was very patient with me and my flaws. i guess towards the end, i did get tired of being reminded of these flaws, although the intention was good. the partner's advice to me was to keep on doing what i was doing (romantic gestures like writing letters, cooking, etc.) when dating someone else. personally, i never felt that it was anything extraordinary, and that it was just something i'd do for my date/partner. on my part, i told the partner that although their intentions were good in getting gifts and whatnot, perhaps next time check with their future date/boyfriend. for instance, i have a PS vita. 2DS, and 3DSXL which are more or less gathering dust. the partner did give me permission to sell them, though i think i might keep one.

while we were being completely honest, i also told the partner that i had two main regrets after all the dust settled. first regret, that this went on longer than it should have. in retrospect, i shouldn't have agreed to take the relationship to the next level in june. ending it there might have saved me a significant amount of negative feelings. or maybe i should have ended it even earlier. admittedly, i have friends who told me to end it as early as a month into dating (based on the previous rejection). again, i suppose i had to learn the hard way, otherwise i'd always feel a worse kind of regret, that of wondering if i could have tried harder. the second regret is a bit more selfish in nature, and it's that i wish we could have been intimate, at least once during our dating or relationship. again, not full-on sex, but more than kissing. you fill in the blanks yourselves.

somehow, i think the partner was prepared for this outcome too. they said that they'd been thinking a lot about something i said - that tolerance isn't acceptance. and i guess they finally acknowledged that they'd just been tolerating me and hoping that i'd change to suit their expectations. and i also guess that they didn't want to waste any more of our time(s?). i still find it baffling how the partner can love their (first) ex, but not me, despite me treating them better and being faithful and all that. no point thinking along those lines, right? i know. so i guess we both knew where the relationship was headed. and i just had to be brave enough to initiate it.

most interestingly, the partner thought it was sweet of me when i told them that i had planned to text the mother tomorrow, to inform her about the split as well as to thank her for looking out for me and accepting me into the family (kind of). as fate would have it, she was still awake when we went up (unusual), so i got to tell her in person. surprisingly, i had kept it together pretty well up till that point, but tears fell when she hugged me and wished me the best. i can't explain why, either. i then beat a somewhat hasty retreat, and cried a little more in the car before driving off. thankfully i'm almost incapable of producing tears when i drive. fun trivia: i've owned a car for longer than the relationship lasted. i'm still choking up occasionally as i'm typing now, but i understand that it's normal.

all things considered, the silver lining was that it was a pretty good experience for a first breakup. well...as good as breakups get, anyway. no violence, no drama, no outbursts, no blame games. i should be lucky if all my future breakups (*touch wood*) went like this. bearing in mind chemical engineer cousin's advice of no bitterness, i'm grateful that both of us were able to approach it maturely and with no animosity. at this point, i think we can remain friends, and/or remain in each other's lives to some degree. i told the partner that it was the end of the road for us as a couple, but not a dead end as far as we were concerned. maybe that'll change when either of us starts seeing another person, but for now, that seems to be the understanding. i'm fine with it, more or less.

predominant emotions i'm feeling now are sadness and relief. sadness that nothing tangible came from my effort, yet relief that i don't have to fight the losing battle any more. again, i should be grateful that the breakup wasn't ugly. i was telling the partner, that maybe one year later, i might look back at this and laugh. not sure how my feelings will change in the next few days/weeks/months, but i do know that time heals all wounds. and no matter what, there will not be attempt #3 with this same person.

for fun, let's go through some numbers. dating attempt #2 lasted from 11 november 2015 to 10 september 2017. yes, tomorrow would have been our 22nd month anniversary. so we were together for 22 months. i thought the 22-month mark would be on the anniversary day itself, but it seems that like phone billing cycles, a month counts as the anniversary minus one day. as i deleted our chat from my phone (after making the necessary backups), i saw that our conversation had 38014 messages. i don't know when the chat history starts, since i've accidentally wiped out my chats before. assuming it's for the whole duration of the 22 months, that's about 1728 messages per month, or 58 messages a day on average. assuming we met an average of 1.5 times a week, that's 6 dates a month, 132 dates in all. i don't even know how to begin calculating the distance i've driven for the relationship. i'd say probably...5000km? we've celebrated 2 christmases, 2 new years, 2 CNYs, 2 of their birthdays, 2 valentine's days, 1 of my birthdays (though the partner had already bought tickets for the upcoming final fantasy concert as my advance birthday gift this year), 2 of the mother's birthdays, 3 staycations totalling 7 days and 4 nights. not sure what other figures i can come up with. if there's something you want to know, just comment and i'll give you my best calculation/guess.

well, i guess that as i prepare to wrap this post up, it's time for me to change the term of address. after this post (after this line, in fact), "the partner" will become "the ex", or i will only refer to them as a partner in the past tense. i guess that's another achievement in life unlocked - have an ex. the relationship was definitely a learning and growing experience, and it helped me find out more about myself, in terms of tolerance levels and my style of loving. as mentioned before, i'm resolved to not let this affect my future relationships negatively. if anything, it should show me what kind of person i'm more suited towards (or what kind of person is more suited for me). i think i'll follow up with a post in the form of a letter to the ex, but not tonight. being highly emotional fatigues me.

-random thought of the day: Should also thank my friends. More details in another post.-

Exactly how powerful is facebook's algorithm for targeted ads? don't know if it's sheer coincidence, or if something did indeed send this into my recommended articles:

you should be able to click on the image to go to the full article...at least that's what i intended. click here if it doesn't work. as you may have guessed, it's occupying my thoughts a fair bit, though the roles are reversed in my case. 20+ months is not a short time. it's almost an NSF's entire term of duty, the time given to JC teachers to prepare their kids for A-levels, and according to a website i found, it's about half as long as the korean war. if you ask me, it's also more than enough time for love to develop. is a person's loveability based on their appearance? i honestly don't think so. perhaps it's a side-effect of growing up not being the most attractive, but i tend not to let a person's looks influence my interactions with them. unless they have a face that deserves to meet a wall repeatedly (like the notorious "pharma bro"), but i don't think i've encountered more than 10 people like that in my life so far. and besides, the article states that once the lady realized that she still loved her boyfriend, her libido returned. so i guess that it's mind over matter?

until now, i am still puzzled as to why the partner is unable to feel love for me. i do things for them, sometimes even going out of my way to do so, i give in to them (on most things), i do things that are above and beyond the basics, so why is it so difficult to elicit an "i love you"? rediscovered this clip while browsing youtube. although the issue from which the conflict stems is different, it expresses my frustrations quite nicely.

i have been digging and digging to uncover the reason for that reluctance. perhaps the hurt from the previous relationship really was too deep. to be very selfish for a moment, i somehow feel that that isn't fair to me. relationships should be between two people who feel almost equally strongly for each other, right? i mean, it doesn't have to be right down the middle, but in this case, it feels like 80-20, which is sad. for full disclosure, although the partner told me that they didn't feel love for me, i managed to get "i am fond of you" out of them. it sounds so...superficial. i personally am fond of chocolate, driving, and sushi, to name a few things. i wouldn't even say that i am just "fond of" my car; i feel more strongly for it. so...i'm not quite sure how to take that. but then, one of my friends brought up a good point. he told me that maybe the partner and i had different definitions of love. for instance, i say "i love you" quite...not carelessly, exactly, but i'm a bit more liberal in the sense that i say it to my good friends. the level of emotional attachment i assign to that is like, i would go out of my way to help them in a crisis. like, bail them out of jail (not like it's happened yet). the partner may see love as something that entails a bigger commitment, say, abandoning everything and following me overseas if the need ever arose. so if i look at it like that, i guess i can sort of come to terms about them not loving me. to be fair, i have never said "i love you" to them too, only because i know how they'll react. i don't want a confession of love to be met with disgust or awkwardness, jokingly or not.

having had conversations with just about all the people whose opinions i value, i think i have arrived at a decision. if the partner cannot give me anything definite (in terms of time or actions that we can take other than to wait), or if i cannot accept the values for those parameters, then the logical thing to do would be to break up. i guess i've known this for a while, just that i've been afraid to face it. i came close in june, but the partner agreeing to progress past the dating stage gave me hope that things might work out. while i'm at it, let me just list all the breakup inhibitors that i've identified over the past few days.

obviously, there's fear...fear that i'll never find someone else. looking at it another way, it could also be fear of being single? it's not quite the same, i think. i'm ok with being single for now, but not ok with being single forever. then again, scary JC friend has always told me that it's better to be single and happy than partnered and miserable. while i'm not at the miserable stage yet, i do see what she means. it could also be fear that i'll never find someone like the partner again (though most of my friends might agree that that's actually a good thing instead). seriously though, perhaps it's part of my low-self confidence regarding my appearance, but i often wonder - who would accept someone that looks like me as a partner? it's weird, because if i look at it from a "friends" perspective, i wouldn't befriend anyone who only sees me for how i look, and not who i am. logically, shouldn't that apply all the more for potential partners? guess that's a hole in my logic that i have to fix.

a certain amount of pride/ego contributes to the reluctance to break up too. you see, i've always said that we can't choose our blood relations, but we can choose the people with whom we surround ourselves. if a relationship that i chose to be in doesn't work, that just means that i have poor character judgement. and perhaps me wanting to hold on to the relationship is just so that it appears that my choice wasn't that bad, and that i am a good judge of character after all. but you know, it's no point to keep up appearances. that's actually something i personally quite dislike, as my posts around the CNY period would reveal. so that's probably the worst reason to be holding on.

lastly, hope. it's the most powerful reason that's keeping me from walking away. so many times, i've thought to myself, 'maybe the partner will make a breakthrough soon'. but if there's been such slow progress over the past 20+ months, what are the odds that there will be a huge change in the next few weeks? there are 2 ways of looking at this. first is the optimistic/delusional/gambler's way. if there hasn't been a big change for so long, surely a big change is coming? compare that to: my 4D number has never shown up in the draw, surely it will win something this week? next is the more realistic perspective, and that's "if there hasn't been progress for so long, what makes me think that things will be any different anytime soon?"

right now, it seems that we are headed more or less for a breakup. i'm still reconciling myself with that, and i'm about 80% ok with the idea now. i would like to think that i'm not making a rash decision, and that i'm not giving up too easily. i shouldn't feel accountable to anyone else but myself, and perhaps to the partner, but to a lesser degree. perhaps the partner's right, in that we shouldn't use other peoples' standards to judge our relationship. but i'd say that external influence will always play a part. we learn everything from external influences, after all. although if i were to strictly follow my friends' timeframes, the relationship would have been over by this time last year. so, here's the plan: one more meetup to talk, and possibly reach common ground. i really don't want it to turn hostile, or to even think of it as a negotiation. don't know how successful i will be on either front, though.

suppose i should do a little preemptive planning. most likely scenario: breakup. worst-case scenario: ugly/hostile breakup. depending on how the talk goes, i guess we may be able to remain friends. although given how little we have in common, i'm not sure how big a role we will continue to have in each others' lives. ordinarily, i don't think our paths would have ever crossed, if not for that message i sent over two years ago. i do wonder what kind of an impression i will leave with the partner. that i'm decent boyfriend material, provided that one can get over my looks and temper? shouldn't really worry about that now, should i? one thing's for sure, though. there won't be a third try at a relationship after the next breakup. you know the old saying...once bitten, twice shy, third time you can go and die. so, amicable breakup or not, i'm very sure of that, at least. it seems like such a waste, though, to throw everything away because we disagree on a few things. then again, the disagreements happen to be over a few major things, with seemingly no acceptable resolution possible.

the partner has told me that they are over the ex, but that the experience with the ex had ruined their capability to/capacity for love. if anything, i will make sure that i only take away lessons from this experience, so that it won't be unfair to future people i meet/date. a song describes this kind of well...i've thought about it for a while now, maybe starting within the past year, but definitely within the past 6 months. this is the song.

O-Town - All or Nothing
I know when he's been on your mind
That distant look is in your eyes
I thought with time you'd realize
It's over, over

It's not the way I choose to live
And something somewhere's got to give
As sharing this relationship gets older, older

You know I'd fight for you
But how I can fight someone who isn't even there
I've had the rest of you now I want the best of you
I don't care if that's not fair

'Cause I want it all
Or nothing at all
There's no where left to fall
When you reach the bottom it's now or never

Is it all, or are we just friends
Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call
You leave me here with nothing at all

There are times it seems to me
I'm sharing you with memories
I feel it in my heart
But I don't show it, show it

And then there's times you look at me
As though I'm all that you can see
Those times I don't believe it's right
I know it, know it

Don't me make me promises
Baby you never did know how to keep them well
I've had the rest of you
Now I want the best of you
It's time for show and tell

'Cause I want it all
Or nothing at all
There's no where left to fall
When you reach the bottom it's now or never

Is it all or are we just friends
Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call
You leave me here with nothing

'Cause you and I
Could lose it all if you've got no more room
No room inside for me in your life

'Cause I want it all
Or nothing at all
There's no where left to fall
It's now or never

Is it all
Or nothing at all
There's no where left to fall
When you reach the bottom it's now or never

Is it all or are we just friends
Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call
You leave me here with nothing at all

well...i'll know soon enough whether it's all or nothing, i guess. i think a sure sign that i am approaching my limit is that the acceptable timeframes are shrinking. from june next year, to christmas this year, to our second dating anniversary in november, and now, to before i fly to bali for my cousin's wedding next month. maybe it's for the best that i don't drag this out for too long. if it means being the bad guy who's inconsiderate, impatient, and can't wait for a good thing, maybe that's the unpleasant tradeoff that i'll have to make.

-random thought of the day: Everything happens for a reason.-