Life rarely gives us a chance to prepare for a life skills acquisition lesson which it's about to dish out. i guess that's because acquiring such life skills are done in scenarios which we don't encounter often...because if we do, it just puts a complete stop to our regular scheduled programming. for instance, how many of us expect to be called up by someone looking for a listening ear after receiving bad news? or to be less morbid, how many of us drive expecting to get a flat tyre? i don't, but i still got a flat last night. still have no idea how it happened. pretty sure my tyres weren't overinflated, or all 4 would probably have gone together. neither was the car overloaded, or the tyre would have gone while i was driving the senior coaches on sunday. doubt it's deliberate too...the break didn't look man-made, as in my tyres weren't slashed. and not that i have experience, but if i wanted to slash someone's tyres, i would have taken all 4 out. logical conclusion: freak accident. maybe i drove past a protruding bit of metal which ripped the rubber. weird thing was that my ex-OC once told me that a tyre being punctured sounds remarkably like a gunshot. i didn't notice any loud noise as i was driving. odd.

i was a bit annoyed with myself, because i felt something was wrong, yet chose to ignore it. during the trip, the car started to vibrate more, there was an odd flapping sound, but i still drove as per usual and only got visual confirmation after i was stopped at a red light. thankfully the wheel rim wasn't damaged. i saw this photo somewhere, where someone drove on a flat tyre until the rim began to wear out. will never understand how people can be so out of tune with their cars.

thankfully, i made it back to my home parking lot, where i proceeded to change the tyre to the spare, and subsequently went down to my friend's friend's workshop to see about getting it fixed. changing the tyre was not that difficult, thanks to the instruction manual. i was talking with my senior about this, and he said that chemists will be ok as long as there's a known procedure. makes sense to me. i don't see why it's so difficult, actually. the only difficulty i could possibly imagine anyone having is that the person doesn't have the physical strength to loosen the wheel nuts. even then, there's such a thing called moments and body weight, ie. leaning/stepping on the tyre wrench to generate the necessary torque. not to sound overconfident, but i think that this is one of those skills which i won't be forgetting in a hurry, and is probably something which i can apply to other models of cars too. just need to find the respective jacking points.

another thing for me to be thankful about is that i was fortunate enough to learn this skill in "easy mode". meaning to say that the conditions were relatively comfortable (late night - cool weather, no passers-by), i didn't have to rush, more resources were available since i was so near home. to increase the difficulty, it could have been on a busy expressway, with me late for an important appointment, under the hot sun, or even worse, raining! so although it was a bit of an inconvenience, i'm grateful that it wasn't worse. goodness knows there's always infinite potential for things to be worse than they are.

my friend came through for me, in recommending a good tyre shop. the mechanics were nice and professional, price was reasonable, and i didn't have to wait too long. like half an hour max from start to finish. i had originally wanted to patch the tyre up to reduce on cost, but they told me that since the rupture was located on the side wall, that wasn't an option. had to get a new tyre (luckily they had the same brand and model that i was using), which they set over the rim, aligned, and installed for me. all for $140. if i multiply that by 4 tyres for 4 wheels, it comes up to $560, which is a little bit less than what kah motor charged me the first time round. well, i'm never going back to them for anything ever again, now that i have these other nice people to turn to. price is one thing, but with these other workshops, i can actually watch the mechanics work. if i were a bit more of the paranoid kind, that would be really reassuring. bonus is i get to ask questions and learn a bit more about what makes my car go.

while learning how to change a tyre and appreciating "easy mode" are important lessons, i think that the hidden/ultimate lesson is that things are never as bad as they seem. could be that i'm still thinking about my (lack of a) love life, but this last thing seems to resonate really strongly with me now. well...take things slowly, i guess. my friend was telling me that maybe i should start out by looking for friends first, then move into a relationship when i felt the time was right. but to move that question a step back, should i even be looking? guess i'll address that in the next post.

-random thought of the day: Keep hoping.-

Bad/negative news and feelings don't come singly, as this past weekend has reminded me. the worst part of it was that this weekend started out on such a positive note, and for some reason, it feels like things slowly fell apart today. it probably doesn't make much sense yet to you, since you don't know what happened. i guess i should explain everything from the top.

i guess my first issue with this weekend is how quickly it went by. i know that it's the same 48 hours of saturday and sunday that i get every week, but somehow, it just feels like it whizzed by way faster than usual, to the extent where i feel a bit cheated. it's just my messed up perception of time, which is normally not a big deal in itself. with the events of the last 24 hours, i guess this feeling of being cheated of a weekend makes things worse. yes, i know i wasn't really cheated, but sometimes, the perception is more powerful than the truth.

let's put that aside for now and talk about the events that transpired. my friend organized a halloween party/mini-staycation at RWS, so i was there from yesterday afternoon to this morning. the party itself was nice...plenty of food, laughter, and i had a good time. only little complaint i have was that there were too many people. 18 attendees seems like a pretty tame figure, but if you know me to any extent, you'd know that i like small, intimate gatherings. maybe no more than 10 people. but still, it was enjoyable. the party was where screwed up thing #1 happened - i met someone who ticks all my boxes. like, this someone is really attractive, and to be unbelievably superficial, is totally my type. sharp features, good-looking, built pretty nicely, and on top of that, they have a really nice personality! granted my intuition told me that this person has a bit of a temper and wouldn't be a pushover, but i think that IF we dated, we'd be able to work past that. slight issue is that while this person is totally my type, i am totally not theirs. but i'm cool with that, since i'm supposed to be trying to advance things with my third hit anyway. at that point in time, this amazing new person that i just met would be like, "if only we met under a different set of circumstances". i suppose i will be a bit awkward around this new person for a bit, but things will eventually be ok. by some odd coincidence, we have a few mutual friends, one of whom is a chem kid. should make for an interesting conversation topic when i next see him, which should be for lunch tomorrow.

sight digression: i think that this is how cheating happens. you know, you're in a relationship with someone who is your type. then someone who's even more your type comes along, and you throw the first person away in order to pursue the new person. it's a risk, and i suppose it'll pay off if new person accepts you. doing the honourable thing (ie. leaving old person first before chasing new person) carries a much higher risk, since you'll end up with nothing if new person rejects you. people who are gracious/magnanimous to take you back after you leave them are few and far between, i imagine. so cheating allows you to hedge your bets, kind of. i see the sense in doing such a thing. it minimizes your losses, and essentially ensures that you have a backup plan/person upon which/whom to fall back. problem is, that's to your advantage only if you're the cheater. it's unfair to you if you're the one being cheated upon (obviously), and if you're the new person and you know about it, there'll be this nagging fear/uncertainty, since the cheater could cheat on you as well, probably preventing you from committing 100% to the relationship. so i guess the lesson here is if you cheat, make sure you're never caught and nobody ever finds out don't cheat...and if you're cheated upon, don't blame yourself. and don't date a cheater. right now, i would like to think that i'm strong enough to never succumb to the temptation of cheating. easy for me to say now, because i don't even have anyone to cheat on. we'll see how i hold up if/when i'm in a relationship.

back to the main story. so, this thought about cheating was forming in my head. i was thinking, should i risk what i already have (good signs with the previous person) to try and start something with the new person i just met yesterday? after doing a very brief cost-benefit analysis and weighing the odds of both courses of action, my answer was no. go me for sticking to my morals! but it turns out that i needn't have bothered, since screwed up thing #2 happened, namely that the previous person messaged me this afternoon (after my assessment/decision) to say that they weren't feeling the vibe, and that they wanted to be friends only. i admit, this affected me more than it probably should have. it's due to an unfortunate combination of factors, such as insufficient sleep, mild refereeing stress, and me thinking that we had something good going. although it's not their fault, i'll honestly say that their message ruined my entire day. the reason i say that it's not their fault is that it's a matter of feelings. i can't force someone to like me. if they're genuinely not feeling it, then all i can do is respect that and move on, with the hope that things might change somewhere down the line. i'd be upset if "feelings" was used as a convenient reason to hide the actual reason, whatever it may be. i'd rather hear the ugly truth than a pretty lie. at least, that way i have a better idea of what i have to do to improve my odds next time.

on a related note, i wonder what this "vibe" thing is. so far, both the ex-date and this new person have cited a lack of feeling as the reason for us to no longer date. i believe that insanely busy person might have felt similarly, just that they didn't have the courtesy to get back to me. in contrast, i usually feel that things are going pretty well between the person and myself, that we have a shot, until this no feeling thing is dropped on me. for the ex-date, i kind of understood and maybe expected it a little, because they already expressed some reluctance due to the physical appearance issue. so i guess in that particular context, "no feeling" referred to not finding me physically attractive enough, hence there was no/not enough desire to commit to a relationship with me. for this current person, i'm seriously baffled. our conversation was normal as recently as yesterday, only slight difference being that due to slight schedule incompatibilities over the past few days, our replies to each other were sometimes quite delayed. but other than that, the content has been pretty much the same. so i have absolutely no idea how they decided that there was no vibe. at this point in time, i trust that this person is being honest with me, simply because they haven't lied to me before (to my knowledge), and i don't think that they have a reason to lie. if the actual reason turns out to be because they've found someone out there better than me in whatever way, then it'll be much easier to let go.

no matter how well you think you're prepared for it, the feeling of being rejected still sucks. if you don't feel the slightest bit down about being rejected, then i guess (1) you've already lost hope and are expecting the outcome, and/or (2) that thing never meant much to you in the first place. combine this rejection with the other factors mentioned above, and i think you'll see why my entire day was spoiled. thankfully i'm feeling a little better after a bit of a cry in the car, and an hour or so's power nap after reaching home. my feelings are definitely still in the negative region, but not as bad as in the afternoon. it would be unrealistic (not to mention unnatural) for me to have recovered from this so quickly, so i'm expecting a worse-than-average mood for a few days at least. at the same time, i have to be professional enough to separate the various domains of my life. in other words, i shouldn't let my bad mood affect my research, nor my interaction with my minion. i trust i can at least manage such a basic thing.

AAR time. as usual, my two questions are: what went wrong, and how can i improve for next time. what went wrong...if i had to pick one thing that i wish i could erase from our entire conversation since we first started talking, it would be asking them about our status right after the first meeting. i guess i felt that since we were both looking for a relationship and since we hit it off pretty well, it would be logical to confirm things and start the relationship ASAP. i guess i didn't consider whether they felt that same level of connection or not, and how desperate/needy i must have come across as, which can be quite a turn-off. as for how i can improve, i guess i should exercise more control and be more sensitive/considerate to the other person's feelings. it's kind of weird that with all my observation skills training from coaching, i still cant pick this kind of thing up. or at least, i can't do it well. so far, my intuition has been 3 for 3, in that i get this sense of dread whenever a potential interest reduces the level/frequency of communication. doesn't happen with my friends, i guess because we have less vested interest in each other, and unlike dates, friendships tend to be more stable. my friendships do, at least. i guess dates will stabilize after they've been upgraded to relationships, but that hasn't happened yet. reminder to self for future instances - be confident and regret nothing. next question, what happens from here? well, life goes on. i'm happy that this person seems sincere about maintaining the friendship, since they agreed to meet up next weekend. i guess we'll meet, talk, maybe do some other stuff, and hopefully things will settle into some form of equilibrium.

during the emo period before i recharged with some sleep, i had several very negative thoughts. it's going to sound stupid/melodramatic, but i think that for the sake of my mental health, as well as completeness in my blogging, i should explore this train of thought in a little more detail. one of the more prominent thoughts that crossed my mind was, 'am i unloveable/unlikeable?' given my 0% success rate with relationships so far, the answer seems to be yes, from a relationship standpoint, at least. of course, this is taken rather out of context. i do have people in my life who value me and like me for me, so it really depends on the scope of the question. but for now, let's work on the assumption that the answer is yes as far as relationships are concerned. my next question would then be, "what about me makes me unloveable/unlikeable?" the first thought that comes to my mind: physical appearance. might be my insecurity showing, that one. well...i am kind of doing something about it, just that i'm not like 100% disciplined and motivated. despite that, i'm grateful that there has been progress. granted, it's not as fast as i would like, but as the coaches often emphasize, the journey is a marathon, not a sprint. ok. physical appearance aside, what else could possibly make me unattractive to people? i'm weird, have a bit of a volatile temper, can be rather awkward/not open, and probably don't make a very good first impression. i don't believe that i'm selfish, stingy, dishonest, or anything that would be a real deal-breaker though. of all these issues, i think most can be fixed by me reminding myself to be a bit more careful. and of all these issues, i think the toughest one i have to contend with is openness. i'm quite careful with my personal details, especially my photos, when dealing with strangers. i guess this stems from my wariness, plus my natural disinclination for being photographed. that in turn is probably due to deep-seated insecurity about my physical appearance. so when people ask for my photo, you know, to get an idea of who they might end up dating, i'm usually very reluctant to comply. maybe that's it. people could be talking to this nice, funny, witty guy online, and form a picture that such a good mind must have an equally good body. but when it's time for the meetup, they see...me. of course it's a bit presumptuous to say that i'm funny and witty and all that. but i wouldn't say it if i didn't believe it to even some tiny extent. to further support that, the trend so far seems to be like, i add someone up. we chat, and we seem to hit it off. you know, they'll laugh, or at least show signs of laughter through emojis and whatnot. then sooner or later, (some variation of) the dreaded question comes. "do you have a picture?". it's roughly at that point where i start to panic. ok, maybe not panic. but worry definitely. i usually decline, and some people will just cut the conversation there. i don't blame them at all. others will continue, with varying levels of enthusiasm. then it comes down to the meeting, and you know how well that's been going. perhaps i should be more upfront, like this is me, i know i'm not perfect, but i'm working to improve myself. if you can accept it, great. if not, sorry. sounds really good, but i don't think i currently have the confidence to pull something like that off.

was briefly looking at some older posts from earlier this year. it seems to be the trend that with each new person i meet, i'll post something along the lines of "i really think this could be the one!". this is despite my friend telling me not to invest my feelings at such an early stage. call me overly optimistic, stupid, naive, or whatever, but shouldn't investing yourself be the way? why would you date someone if you don't see a future together? ok, maybe some people might be into short-term relationships, like for a period of X weeks/months/years, but that's not my style. incidentally, i'll never understand that thinking. i mean, why bother finding someone if not for life, or at least for an extended period? then again, i suppose "extended period" is relative. seems like an awful waste of time to go through all the trouble to find someone with whom you're compatible, then set an expiry date on the relationship. kind of like a COE, which is a damned shame. although it hurts when things don't work out, i guess i'll continue putting my best foot forward and being serious in finding someone. it's the least i can do, right? i figure i'll keep it up until i've been hurt one too many times...though i really hope that i find my someone before i become all cynical and jaded.

last thought to conclude this post. what can i do in the meantime? well, i recently read an article entitled "how to lose weight in 4 easy steps", original post here. steps 1, 2, and 4, while practical and true, are kind of like decoys. they're basically simple stuff like avoid alcohol, fruit juice, and control your intake. in somewhat of a plot twist, the third step is "have your heart broken". i've taken the liberty of copying that particular step below.

3.) HAVE YOUR HEART BROKEN
And not just broken; shattered. Into itsy bitsy tiny little pieces, by a girl who never loved you and never will. Join the gym at your work. Start going to the gym regularly, and even though you don't know that much about exercise and you're way too weak to do pretty much anything but lift 5 lb weights and use the elliptical machines with the old people, do it until your sweat makes a puddle on the floor. Then go home and go to bed early and the next day do it again. And then again. And then again.

Listen to stories of your ex-girlfriend fucking around with gross and terrible people, stories from your friends who think they are doing you a favour. Go to the gym and make more puddles of sweat. Buy books. Learn about different muscle groups and how they work together. Start eating healthy. Learn about nutrition. Plan out your week of meals. Try to forget her.

After work one night, go up up up all the way to the top floor of the parking garage and walk all the way to the back. Look out at the twinkling lights of the skyscrapers of downtown Los Angeles and think about how every single one of those office lights represents a person. Try to imagine how they feel. What they're doing right then; if they miss someone special, if they wonder if someone special misses them. Then realize that most of those lights are probably shining into offices with no one in them except for a custodian or two. Realize you are alone, that you are staring at no one. Turn your collar up against the cold and drive home to a meal of a single chicken breast and steamed vegetables. Go to sleep. Go back to work. Go to the gym. Sweat.

Buy a scale. Pick a goal weight. Imagine the goal weight as a shining beacon on a hill. You are at the bottom, in the dark. Talk to her at work. Notice the awkward way she walks in high heels and her goofy smile when she looks over at you. Feel something clench inside your chest. Think about the gym and what muscle groups you are going to work that night.

Get on the treadmill. Push yourself to level 3, then level 4. Then 6. Run so fast you feel like you are going to die. Hit level 10. Pray for death. Think of how bad she makes you feel. Find the strength to keep going.

Late one night, make the mistake of looking at her Facebook and Instagram posts. Feel lower than you ever thought possible. Unfriend her and try to forget what you've seen. She is doing things with other people that you asked her to do with you. She is having a great time without you, and you are wasting your life listening to Taylor Swift on repeat and making sweat puddles on a gym floor.

Watch as your life shrinks down to four things: 1.) work, 2.) the gym, 3.) the food you eat, 4.) sleep. She wears the necklace you bought her and tells you that she got it "from someone who's really special". That night you discover that Slayer's "Angel of Death" might be the perfect song to do squats to.

Start to make friends at the gym. Vince and you spot each other on Wednesdays; Chase and you spot each other on Fridays. You used to look down on bro nods and fist bumps - but since that's how gym rats communicate, that’s become the language you speak most often. Work, Gym, Food, Sleep. Over and over. More sweat puddles. More fist bumps. You run hundreds of miles and lift thousands of pounds.

You start to see new people working out here and there and you realize you have done something you once thought impossible: You have become one of the regulars. Once in a while, you are the last one leaving the gym. You make a point to get to the gym earlier, but your workouts start to stretch from one hour to ninety minutes to two hours. You are now routinely the last person at the gym. You run. You lift. You make more puddles.

Your body changes slowly, then all at once - you are suddenly thin and muscular. You hit your goal weight, pick a new one, then hit it again. You go out and buy new clothes. You receive wave after wave of compliments. Your ex tells you that she's seeing someone else. Your chest clenches. You feel exhausted.

That night you go to the gym. You listen to all her favourite songs. You run farther and lift more than you thought your body was capable of. It is a good workout. It leaves you numb. You go home and eat a single chicken breast and steamed vegetables. You go to sleep. You dream of a bottomless black puddle.

You've stopped drinking alcohol months ago, so now when you hang out at bars or parties you don't talk to anyone new. But with your new body and new clothes, gorgeous women hit on you constantly. One time, a woman literally comes up to you and says she thinks you'd be good in bed and hands you a napkin with her number on it. As she is talking to you, her hand resting on your chest inside your shirt, all you can think of is how badly you need to beat your best time sprinting across the park across from your house the next day. That night when you get home you research the best shoes for trail running and click "buy". The shoes are a hundred dollars. The phone number goes in the trash.

There is a girl you see a lot at the gym, who always does these weird leg exercises you've never seen before. She's beautiful. You make it a point to not look at her - because you are overly worried about looking creepy like that guy in the blue shirt who never wears underwear and always hangs around the lat pulldown machine - but you notice this girl is always at the gym when you are, and seems to always choose the bench next to you. You turn up the Slayer and concentrate on making your puddles bigger.

Your ex parades her new boyfriend around, flatly ignoring you the entire time. He is taller than you, more ripped than you, better looking than you, and - according to the Greek chorus of your mutual friends - he comes from money. As you watch her introduce him to everyone but you, you remember how her blue eyes lit up underneath the ferris wheel on her birthday when you gave her those bracelets she's wearing. In your pocket, your hand makes itself into a fist.

That night, you deadlift your body weight. You sneak a photo of yourself in the mirror and email it to yourself with the subject heading "You Are A Warrior". The next day you are disgusted with yourself and delete it.

You make puddle after puddle after puddle and eat single chicken breasts and work and sleep and the weather gets warm and then gets cold and you know all of Taylor Swift's songs by heart and the only things that exist in the entire universe are you and The Gym and then something different happens: a night comes where you are not the last person in the gym.

It is you and the girl who does the weird leg exercises. You end up walking out at the same time.

Her name is Melissa and she works in the building next to you. She's worked there for two years. She asks you out to dinner on Friday, promising it'll be healthy. The leg exercises are Pivoting Curtsy Lunges.

You start seeing Melissa a lot, both inside the gym and out. You tell no one. You add a couple cheat days to your week - for when you two get dinner and share dessert - and you start getting a lot less sleep. You phase out Slayer in favour of Springsteen. Vince and Chase note that you've stopped looking like you're praying for death when you run. Your ex texts you late at night to ask you out to coffee, but you don't write her back. You can’t remember the last time you fantasized about puddles.

One night you're walking Melissa to her car in the parking garage and she is parked up up up all the way on the top floor. She says she wants to show you something and she takes your hand and leads you all the way to the back. You both stand there in the dark looking out over the twinkling lights of the skyscrapers of downtown Los Angeles.

"Isn't it beautiful?" She says. "All those lights."

You tell her that yes, it's beautiful, but it makes you sad. All those pretty lights mean nothing; they're just shining into cold lonely offices with nobody in them. Melissa squeezes your hand and says yes, each light is an empty office - but they're only empty because the people have all gone home for the day. All those twinkling lights aren't sad; each one is a person who's at home, happy with the one they love. And how romantic is that?

You look at her in the lights and she smiles. Something in your chest expands.

Late one Sunday afternoon you are writing out your rent check and realize it's been exactly a year since you started working out. You think of all those miles you've run and those pounds you've lifted and chicken you've eaten and puddles you've made. It doesn't seem that bad. You realize that it's not about hitting a goal weight, or lifting a weight. It's about being able to wait. Waiting, being patient, and trusting that life will slowly inch along and things will eventually get better. After all, change takes time.

But time is all it takes.

granted, it's not really describing my situation. my gym works on a different principle, for one. and on a more serious level, i'm not at that stage yet. sounds like the guy in the article went through a (really really) bad breakup, and might even have minor depression as a side effect. for me, it's not even a breakup. you can't break apart things that were never together. but i suppose to look at it another way, occupying myself with something (gym, in this example, though it could just as easily be judo or research) would help time to pass more quickly, and help me get over my heartbreak. yes, it's mild in comparison, but as i read on facebook or somewhere, if two people get stabbed, is there really any point in comparing the severity of the stab wounds? so i guess i'll have to push myself harder in other aspects of my life.

-random thought of the day: Refereeing performance suffers when sleep-deprived.-

Mid-week update! haven't done one of these in a while. so much has happened in the last 5 days. most of it is good, some others not so much. guess i should approach this in a somewhat chronological manner.

starting from saturday, it was my birthday! spent some of the day in lab, and met some friends for dinner and pool. it wasn't to celebrate for me, by the way. just to meet up and do something which we've been talking about doing for a while. this year, i got much much fewer birthday greetings, mainly from the chem kids and some family people. all i did was to hide the date on facebook. it's how i prefer it, actually. just low-key, quiet wishes, and expensive presents. ok, maybe not so much the last one, but i wouldn't complain if someone would be kind enough to pay for my next COE. i was just thinking...my russian postdoc (the same one that got offended on my behalf) makes a big deal out of birthdays. like, she's been organizing celebrations for everyone's birthdays, and of course we did the same for her. i wonder how offended she would be if we didn't celebrate for her. it's a nice gesture, and i hate to appear ungrateful, but i'm just wondering...what if someone (like me) doesn't want to celebrate their birthday? thankfully she went on leave this week, so i escaped the whole singing and cake cutting thing. the cake is still in the lab fridge though. should probably settle it before it spoils. back to the topic. is it ok to force someone to celebrate their birthday when they don't want to? i mean, the intention is good...you want that someone to feel special for his/her day, but to that person, it may be awkward, or embarrassing, or (more unlikely,) traumatic. i wonder.

the next 2 days passed without much fanfare...judo as the main highlight of sunday as usual, followed by a day in lab on monday. not sure why, but my experiments have been failing recently. wonder if it's because i've gotten careless, or if my hands don't work so well any more. even simple reactions that are like stir overnight at room temperature, no special precautions, have been screwing up. i can't explain it. i have no idea what's going wrong. perhaps i need to wash out all my glassware more thoroughly, and try again with purer starting materials. whatever it is, i'm sure it's only temporary. it had better be.

yesterday kind of made up for all the suckiness. left lab a little early to meet someone at vivocity. someone being the third hit that i mentioned in the last post. at this point in time, i am insanely optimistic that this hit might become a lead, and even move into clinical trials. we hit it off really well, and they even bought me a cake when they knew my birthday was this month. ok, it wasn't really a cake. don't know how to describe it, either. it was basically a cookie base (the kind found in cheesecakes) with a roll of something pudding-like and cheesy that was stuffed with a berry-flavoured jam. it was a familiar taste, but i'll be damned if i remember which berry it was. nevertheless, it tasted good! not too heavy, pleasantly sweet, and the base was amazing. both crisp and crumbly. i felt so bad that they had to carry it around for about an hour before we met. granted that they took half-day from work, and would be early anyway, but still. hopefully the chocolates i bought them made up for it.

we hung out from like 4:30pm to 9:30pm-ish. had the cake, walked around a bit, sat down and talked, had dinner, walked onto sentosa boardwalk, sat down and talked, went back to vivocity for dessert, walked around a bit more at daiso, then went home. all in all, i'd classify it as a date, and a pretty successful one at that. what makes me so optimistic about this person is that they told me, "i accept you as you are", which is the exact opposite of the ex-date's physical appearance issues. granted, this was said to me before we met, so i took it with a pinch of salt at that time. i was so happy that they seemed to mean what they said. another thing that makes me super happy is how mature this person is! as we were about to part ways, i (stupidly) asked what our status was, and if we were dating. bear in mind that this was our first meeting. that person was hesitant to confirm our dating status so quickly, saying that it was a bit scary. in retrospect, i agreed. guess i want to "reserve" this person before anyone else sees how amazing this person is. the thing that baffles me is that this person had an ex, who was not exactly abusive, but took this person for granted. i'll never figure out why, but i'm insanely grateful for the ex's blindness. how does one give up such an amazing person!? there are so many things i already appreciate about this person, and we've only known each other for a week! their maturity, easygoing nature, ready bright smile, good humour...i really really hope we end up together. and whether it's getting together or breaking up, i'm pretty sure that the decision will be a mutual one. but let's not get carried away. focus on the present, and appreciate what's going on now.

i was a little worried for a couple of reasons today. first, that this person didn't really talk much today. that worried me because i thought that they might have been having second thoughts after our meetup yesterday. thankfully, they just messaged to say that it was a busy day in the office, plus they had dinner with friends, hence the period of radio silence. i have no reason to disbelieve them, because their actions are consistent. like while we were out yesterday, they also didn't really look at their phone all that much. not to mention that the ex-date had a very strict no messaging during office hours policy which i abided by, so i guess i'm overreacting. the second reason that i'm worried is because i was worried in the first place. confused? well, the thing is, we've not committed to each other, so i guess i'm worried because i may be overly worried that someone else comes along and snatches this amazing person away. and with each period of silence, these worries intensify. to paraphrase, i'm worried that i'm overly attached already. and i thought my friend was pushy! well, at least i can refrain from asking for updates too frequently, or spamming messages (my friend doesn't do that, but it's an example of overly-attached things to do). just have to remember to take things slow, and to quote phil collins, "you can't hurry love; no, you just have to wait. just trust in a good time, no matter how long it takes". i hope my wait will pay off. meanwhile, i should focus on getting to know this person better, and on making good memories with them, i guess. fingers crossed!

quick little digression before i end off. the person was telling me how more success in one area of life might lead to decreased success in another. the example they gave was wealth and love. like, they were afraid that their mahjong luck would get worse after meeting and dating me (it was said jokingly, so there's nothing serious yet). incidentally, it seems that they're really good at mahjong. should take them to meet scary; they might give her a run for her money. i wonder if this idea applies to my research and love life? like, now that there's a chance to date someone, will all my experiments bomb? signs are beginning to point to yes, but i should also remember that just because events happen at the same time, it doesn't mean that they're related in any way. well...it'll be a new day in lab tomorrow. i'll continue fighting.

-random thought of the day: So many moron drivers today.-

Jealousy and envy are often used interchangeably, but there's a slight difference (i think). it's been a while since i've checked, so forgive me if i'm wrong. my perception is that envy is a bit milder, like "i wish i had that". jealousy is a bit less nice, like "i wish i had that instead of him/her having it". to phrase it differently, envy and jealousy both have the common element of wanting what someone else has, but to me, jealousy has the added connotation of "it should be me instead". neither of them are positive traits, i think. and so, i'm ashamed to admit that i have been feeling rather envious recently. two of our referees passed their continental licence recently. i don't think that either one should have failed; to me, they are both competent and more than qualified for that level of refereeing. however, and pardon me if i sound arrogant, i feel like i should be alongside them. i've been refereeing for about 4.5 years now, ever since i got my black belt. only a few referees can say that they've refereed at every single national schools competition since getting their license, and i'm one of them. given my length of constant service, i feel that i should be up for SJF A at the minimum. my refereeing ability may not be the best, but i'd say i'm within the top 10% of referees at my equivalent rank. and i have no idea why the promotion isn't going through. my understanding from a conversation with the referee director is that the management committee refuses to approve my promotion.

i have a couple of major issues with this. firstly, the major issue is with their method. the referee director told me that they assess us by pulling up video clips of bouts that we referee, and counting the number of mistakes we make. that in itself is problematic, but i suppose it's some (misguided) metric of performance. my problem is what counts as a mistake. from what i understand, even a "wrong" score is a mistake. but hey...that's what we have table judges for! and opinions are bound to differ based on viewing angle. so to have a score correction doesn't count as a mistake to me. i corrected an IJF international referee's score in macau! does that mean she should be demoted? to be fair, i concede that it can be a mistake if the correction is like 2 or 3 levels off. but so far, in my last few competitions, i don't remember having my score corrected by that large a margin.

wait, it gets better. i've said that the management is in charge of approving promotions. i've also said that i can't stand being judged by people who are less/not qualified. to my knowledge, the panel consists of a continental referee, whose certification has expired, and someone who has no referee certification at all, and an SJF referee who hasn't refereed for about 2 years, among others who i don't know. how can such people decide!? logically speaking, shouldn't it be the referee director and active senior referees who decide promotions!? don't get me wrong though, i'm not adverse to receiving constructive feedback. like, if someone says i look nervous, clumsy, or whatever, i'll do my best to see it for myself and rectify it if necessary. but when feedback comes from people who don't know what they're talking about, it's frustrating. even more so when such a person has a say in your promotion. bleh. enough about that.

by right, the renovation works should have ended on tuesday, since that was the projected end date given to us. the works actually went on until yesterday. even this morning, none of the plastic sheets had been removed yet. i'm not exactly sure what the workers' job scope is. on the schedule, "clean up" was listed as the last item on the last day. it didn't really specify what the clean up was. for all i know, the plastic sheets will have to be removed my the homeowners themselves. well...whatever the case, i hope that things can be cleared up by this weekend. if we are really to move by the end of this year, i can't delay my packing schedule much more.

the 2-day extension of the renovation quite annoyed me. it was worst on wednesday, since i stayed home to rest after coughing until after 3:00am the previous night. was so noisy! made resting all but impossible. i wonder if there's a breach of contract anywhere, and whether we can lodge a complaint or something. something tells me that odds are no. but well, somehow, i don't feel that upset about it now. guess it's because (1) it's over, and (2) i'm not that sick any more. somehow being sick reduces my tolerance and patience a lot. might be because i'm feeling sucky, and don't have the extra capacity to deal with more negative stuff.

above that, one thing that quite scared me was that the workers somehow managed to open the front door and let themselves in! when i leave the house for gym in the mornings, i'll normally leave the door partially closed and jam something in the gap so that it can be pushed open. although i worry a bit about security, i was somehow convinced that it was necessary so that the works could be completed on time. then, when i was sick, i woke up to hear all the drilling, hammering and other assorted construction noises like right outside my room door. i seriously wonder how they got access. maybe someone left a spare key with the neighbours. well...doesn't appear like anything's missing after so many days, so i guess i'm relieved.

now that the renovations are complete (i think), i have access to at least 1 out of 2 toilets. the workmanship is pretty good, and i don't have any serious complaints. then again, i'll only be using these facilities for another 3 months, max. i was quite impressed by some of the features, namely the floor tiles, which are somehow anti-slip, even when wet. makes me wonder if nanotechnology like the lizard's foot thing was used in its fabrication. then again, that might drive costs up, so i don't know. couple of minor complaints is that they removed the entire counter space. so, the previous design was that there was a sink/counter, ie. that the sink was surrounded by a solid surface on which we put shampoo, soap, and other toiletries. now, there's just a sink, with no surrounding space. it takes some getting used to, i guess. another thing i'm not too happy about is they hung the mirror slightly lower than before, so i have to bend down to see my face. and somehow, the bar of hooks for hanging clothes wasn't mounted back. but well. another 3 months maximum. no big deal. at least i can shower at home now.

in the lab, i'm going back to organic synthesis for a while. need to make a better fluorophore. got a pretty good feeling about this one. as long as it reacts well with the isocyanate. i kind of realized that i've been stuck in the same spot for a little bit too long. that revelation was brought about my my senior, who had his thesis defense today. it was scary, to be honest, even as an audience member. there was this whole air of seriousness. and somehow, i imagined myself up there. the thing that kind of hit me hardest was the emotions that imaginary me would have felt. fear and anxiety being the main contributors, of course. i think i might actually cry after it's over. but we're talking about something that's going to happen a few years later at the earliest. no point worrying about that now. i just hope that my own defense will be relatively painless.

my senior brought his girlfriend along to listen to his defense. turns out she's from our course, and in their year. since the senior is 2 years older than me, that means she's my age (assuming she went the JC route). random info. anyway. the point is that i'd really really want to share something that big with a special someone when it's my turn. it would help to know that someone has your back, i guess. and on that front, things are still kind of bleak. the previous person i was talking to (the one who's super busy) seems to not have any romantic (or even platonic) interest in me, as evidenced by their lack of communication. and i kind of chanced upon their posting in a singles forum, so that's even more damning proof. well...we only met once, plus text messaging and a few phone calls. that still doesn't count for much, i guess. part of the whole screening/filtering process. pity that none of my hits turned out to be leads yet. but then, it's only been 3 hits. yes, 3. will talk about the third one soon. high-throughput screening normally requires something in the 5-digit range. not that i expect to screen tens of thousands of people...that would be a bit unrealistic/exhausting.

so, about the third hit. we started talking on wednesday (i remember because i was home sick), and we hit it off. both looking for something a little deeper, like a life partner type of thing. so far, we've made arrangements to meet next tuesday, which is kind of exciting and terrifying. so far things have been going well, so i should probably take heart in that. although someone once told me that i'd have to get my heart shattered repeatedly before finding the one, i'm kind of hoping to prove that person wrong...like, my person will be this third one. then again...i shouldn't think/hope too much. like the thesis defense thing, this is out of my control at this point in time.

was quite confused by the ex-date. they sent me a voice message this morning over whatsapp, singing me happy birthday. i appreciated the gesture, despite it being a day early. i'm just not sure...do friends do this for each other? i know i don't do that for any of my friends. i don't want to read too much into simple gestures. maybe because they don't have that many friends, so the friends that they do have get better treatment? i wonder. but well...i guess i won't rock this particular boat. no need for unnecessary drama.

-random thought of the day: Haircut time!-

Group meeting went slightly better than expected. i did get scolded...well, not really. the most appropriate term would be "我被讲", which literally translates to "i was spoken to". there's a very slight negative connotation, which does not equate to a scolding, or even a reproach. quite hard to quantify it, now that i'm trying. basically my professor was a bit dissatisfied with my (lack of) results, and kind of criticized some of my alternate proposals. i think he thought that i was straying a bit too far from the original idea, because he called me to his office the next day to kind of reset/recalibrate with me. it was a pretty good talk, i think we spoke for 20-30 minutes? but now at least i have somewhat of a clearer idea of where to go from here, and some alternatives i can use in case the original idea crashes.

there was one quite interesting incident that happened during group meeting that i want to talk about a bit. my professor was clearly under the weather, so perhaps his mood was a bit affected. and since i didn't have anything good to present, it shouldn't come as a surprise if his mood worsened. whatever the reason, he said something like, "if you can't do it, i'll hire someone who can". admittedly, it's uncharacteristic based on what i know about him, but figuring that it was due to him being sick and frustrated, i didn't think too much about it. interestingly, my postdoc was offended on my behalf. granted that she's (1) russian and (2) female, so our thought processes are vastly different. she was saying that we asians are so resillient, and that if it had been her on the receiving end of such a statement, she'd cry for 2 hours minimum. i don't know...to me, it was more or less normal. no doubt it didn't sound nice, but it barely affected me. perhaps it's just the result of growing up in different cultures, and having different levels of sensitivity as a result. i suppose the gender difference plays a part, too. just an interesting observation, that's all.

other news...let's see...the ex-date asked me out for dinner last sunday, as friends. we went to this ramen place in tanjong pagar, called hakata ikkousha. apparently it's really famous, and i can see why. price-wise it was a tiny bit rough, but the food was good. not to mention the free hard-boiled eggs, which was a nice bonus. i suppose it would be too much to ask for free ramen eggs. but one could hope. next time i go, i'll ask for normal noodles, normal hardness. the thin noodles weren't quite substantial enough to bite through. overall, i was satisfied. the ex-date then suggested going for a movie, which i was ok with. we ended up at JEM (they stay in the west) and watching hotel transylvania 2. the movie was underwhelming. to me, the storyline was kind of weak, and there were too many jokes reused from the first movie. a bit here and there is nice for nostalgia, but they overdid it, i think. overall...not worth watching in the cinema.

being in such close proximity to them for about 5 hours gave me a bit of mixed feelings. am i ok with meeting them as friends? yes. did i enjoy myself throughout the outing? yes. do i want us to try dating again? perhaps...but it's not a must. i mean, i wouldn't be against it, but i don't think it's something that i'd actively pursue right now. i guess maintaining things as they are is ok with me. i don't want to get too close, though, in case my stupid heart decides to take over again. and so far, there's nothing from their side to indicate any interest beyond the platonic, so i guess i'm overthinking. well...i'm not discounting the possibility of a relationship with this person in the future, but well...not right now, i guess.

as for the other person i'm kind-of seeing, they told me that they'd be free in october. well, it's october now, and the're suddenly busy until november. my instinct is to say that they're leading me on, or finding an indirect way to reject me, but i'll give benefit of doubt here. if i'm met with another delay, then i guess i'd better start looking elsewhere. there's only so much i can push before things go out of my hands.

speaking of pushing, my friend and his ex are in a not-too-good place right now. forgive me for not mincing my words this time, but the ex's recent behaviour has been selfish and brainless. my friend wants them to get back together, but the ex says that although she still loves him, she needs her own time and space blah blah. so my friend has been restraining himself in terms of calling, messaging, and meeting up, and basically giving in to her (somewhat unreasonable) demands. THEN, she comes and tells my friend that since they haven't had much contact, she's starting to like another guy. i mean, WHAT!!?? YOU asked for time alone, then you have this change of heart? the worst thing is that she tells my friend that he's perfect and irreplaceable, yet she likes someone else. HOW DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE!!?? ok, fine. let's say you can't control your feelings, and you fell for someone else. then why would you tell that to the guy who still loves you, and whom you claim to love, if you're not going to make a clean break? i'm not saying that it should be hidden from my friend. i'm saying that the ex should sort out her own damned feelings before raising the alarm. and she should also have spared a thought for how that information would affect my friend, since he's utterly smitten with her. some of his other friends have basically been telling him the same thing i have, which long story short, is "drop the bitch!". as you might expect, he won't listen. his argument is always the same. they've had so many happy times together, it seems a waste to throw it all away. i've been telling him that past happiness doesn't guarantee future happiness, and he agrees with me. yet, he refuses to do anything that might initiate the healing process. and he doesn't seem to believe that there's another person out there who may potentially bring him even more happiness. what to do? some people are just stuck in their own misery, i guess. perhaps i'm being protective of my friend. but you guys, as neutral observers, tell me. is she a jackass or what? and does she deserve the sign in this next video? no prizes for guessing my answer.

been to the gym every day this week, including today. aching more than usual, which i think is a good thing. i realize that actually, leading a healthy lifestyle isn't that difficult. the problem that i face is that food is too easily available. my normal routine is that i'll come home after lab, and have a quick bite before going to bed. now that the fridge is under wraps, that's somewhat of a difficulty. so for the past week, my last meal has actually been before 8:30pm, which i think is a small achievement. perspective: my last meal times can sometimes hit the am region. so i'll celebrate my improvement.

something called quarterly testing is ongoing at the gym now. as the name implies, it happens once about every 3 months, and is for members to gauge their improvement. i think i joined just as the last session of testing ended, so if i do decide to try it, this'll be my first time. got a peek at the "syllabus" today. 1 minute each of pull-ups, push-ups, squats, with a minute's rest between each different exercise, plus some other more complicated stuff. i'm actually rather hesitant to try it. but then again ah, what do i have to lose? if i start with horrible scores, i'm sure that after 3 months of regular working out, i should do better next quarter, right? maybe it's just my ego preventing me from doing it...like will the coaches or other members look down on me? i know the coaches won't and the others seem nice enough. so i have not much idea what's stopping me. perhaps it's time to take a leap of faith.

-random thought of the day: Blog about shiny.-

Nothing like the prospect of no results to present at tomorrow's group meeting to scare someone (aka. me) into working. my 2 columns have not given me my desired product, despite the plethora of spots. can you imagine the feeling of running 7 NMRs in the hopes of getting 2 compounds, and everything comes out wrong? welcome to my life. i literally have no positive results to show, and that's not good. the reactions which i was hoping would work aren't complete yet...though one shows promise. i'm hopeful, but at the same time, another failure wouldn't surprise me.

bad news about the house. turns out the renovation works are scheduled until NEXT tuesday, meaning that i have another week of sleeping in the dust to go. that isn't bad news in itself, just rather inconvenient. i don't know...living alone is kind of nice. peace and quiet, which i could really get used to. just wish i had access to everything that i normally do. and for future reference, if i'm living alone, i'll opt for a smaller place. maybe a bedroom, guest room, living room, and kitchen. that's it. less surface area means less cleaning.

it's not a good night tonight...feeling rather down due to the no results thing. it's not that i mind being slow...i'm more worried that i'm not living up to expectations. it is, by all accounts, a pretty simple synthetic procedure, with known examples...just that none of them are 100% identical to the thing i'm trying to make; but that's the point, right? wouldn't be novel if someone's done it before. but well, that's research. setbacks here and there, and more often than not. i suppose my professor will understand? then again it's hard to say. even i'm looking at my own skills with skepticism now. breathe. things should look better after some sleep.

-random thought of the day: Severely frustrated.-

Renovation works have rendered the house almost uninhabitable. my impression was that only the toilets would be undergoing construction works. technically that's not false...what i didn't expect was that due to the ridiculous amount of dust and dirt generated, almost every surface (except the ceiling) had to be covered by sheets of plastic. i was expecting something a bit more...confined. my bed was spared mummification, thankfully, so i had somewhere to sleep last night (granted, it was extremely dusty). but still, it's a bigger problem than i'd thought. my initial impression was that i'd still be able to shower after the workers were done for the day. both toilets have been gutted, so that obviously won't be the case. it's not so bad for weekdays, because i can still shower at the gym. in fact, it's a good thing, as that gives me really really strong impetus to go. yes, it's not entirely for the right reasons, but whatever works, right? the bigger issue is weekends, like tomorrow, when the gym is closed. right now, i've arranged to borrow my friend's shower, so that's more or less ok. if i read the memo right, the construction is due to finish this coming tuesday, meaning that this issue will be short-lived at best. hopefully i didn't get the wrong message; the worst case could be that the renovation will take a month to complete. that would be a bit trickier, but still manageable.

inconvenience aside, the renovation has also thrown a wrench into my packing timeline. the plan was get the plastic boxes/containers last week and finish packing all my books this week. with the whole house in plastic and dust, that's unlikely to happen. well...i expect we won't be moving so soon...maybe another month at the minimum? so i'm not too worried yet. might have to double up during the upcoming weekends, but i should be fine.

my chemical engineer cousin wrote about a "wardrobe cull" which she did last weekend. aside from being an interesting read, it got me thinking about my wardrobe too, and my stuff in general. like i said before, i'll probably take this opportunity to throw out a lot of old stuff. not that i don't treasure them, but i used to be a bit of a hoarder. it's toned down since ORD, so that's good. for this whole packing exercise, i'm going to use the principle of inclusion (choose what i want to take with me) rather than exclusion (choose what i don't want to take with me). there's actually a difference, as i've experienced when compiling my playlists for driving and lab work. for my driving playlist, i use inclusion because it helps to narrow down to the essentials/must-haves. after all, with such a short time on the roads, i don't want to be skipping tracks non-stop. not to mention that there are some tracks which are not really suited for driving to. on the other hand, i use exclusion for my lab work playlist because i want more songs, so some songs which wouldn't have made it past the inclusion filter are spared the axe this time.

spent a late afternoon/evening running a column. somehow, it's therapeutic to work in the lab when few/no people are there with me. and it felt good to get back to basics and do something so organic. surprisingly, the separation went pretty well despite there being like 4 spots. although there was some overlap, i have a pure sample of each fraction. so hopefully i can identify what i need by NMR, then re-column the parts where my product overlapped with something else. out of 4 different things, one of them is bound to be my product, right? on second thoughts, better not ask. i might end up jinxing myself. if this works, i'll have some progress, which is a most welcome change. on the bright side, my minion has some encouraging results for her branch of the project, so hopefully that results in a publication.

while there are some other things on my mind, i don't think they warrant mentioning just yet. still a bit stuck on the potential relationship front, since the person i'm interested in is still busy. hopefully we'll get to meet next weekend or sometime around then. their schedule is supposed to clear up after this weekend, so here's hoping.

-random thought of the day: Break a leg.-