Kept my commitment to go to the gym today, so i'm feeling kind of proud! forgot that i wanted to go for a haircut, but that can be done tomorrow or monday so it's all good. week 2 of gym has just ended, and while it's not much, i feel like i should acknowledge my consistency so far. so, well done me! after 2 weeks, it seems that i enjoy pull day and leg day about equally. push day comes in after that, and cardio is a distant last place. unfortunately for me, the adage is that you don't like the exercise that you're the weakest in (and therefore need the most). it sucks, but it's true. i guess i should find more enjoyable sources of cardio. someone i know is a free skater, so that might be something i can look into.

as for how the healthy lifestyle thing is going in general, i'd say it's good. unless my estimations are off, i'm eating at about 1600 calories per day on average. allowing for some error, i'd confidently say under 2000, and 90% sure that it's under 1800. the TDEE calculator i found on the internet says my maintenance calories are about 2200 per day on average, so that's about a 500 calorie deficit which is supposed to be "aggressive" and lead to a 0.5kg loss per week. the thing that's bugging me is that i'm not seeing any changes in my body, aesthetics wise and on the weighing machine! i know it's not the right motivation, but it's often the strongest one. guess i should remind myself of the changes that i DO feel, to keep the morale up:

- i'm using heavier weights each session and/or dying less

- my jeans feel looser(?) - could be my imagination

- i can walk from office to home at a decently fast pace and still feel energetic/less sweaty (kind of a low bar, though)

- my bowel movements are more regular (thanks, fibre supplements!)

- i feel more confident in myself (that may also be M18-related)

to remind myself again, it's only been 2 weeks of gym. that's not very long in the grand scheme of things. at this point, i should be checking my form and making sure i go through the full ranges of motion while maintaining good control over the weights. no ego lifts or half-assed reps just to get the count in. i'm excited to continue progressing in the gym and see where this journey takes me after half a year, then a full year. but more immediately, i'm looking forward to getting "revenge" (japanglish term which means to challenge yourself at something again) on push day. i should be able to bench press more with good sleep.

getting good sleep might be hard, though! like, i was in bed by 11:45pm last night (i came back late, also linked to the M18 thing - later) but lay there tossing and turning until close to 2am. not sure what i'm doing wrong/not doing right...the air-con is set to a comfortable temperature, the room is dark...maybe it's the screen time thing, or that there are miscellaneous traffic noises now and then. who uses their horn in the wee hours anyway, and why!? might be time to crack open the melatonin...i still have some from goodness knows how long ago. not sure if it'll still be effective, but maybe the placebo effect will be enough to solve the problem. this sleep thing has gotten bad enough that it's causing me to wake up late in the mornings, and rushing to leave the house, waiting for the bus, etc. is stressful. i figure that i should nip it in the bud and try to reset my sleep clock/cycle.

ok, M18 stuff time. that's also your warning to skip the next few paragraphs if you don't want TMI. today's M18 stuff is about a bit of an imbalance in my heart that came about after seeing/being a part of something. don't worry, i'm taking necessary precautions as far as health is concerned. ok so here's what happened. the gay bar was having a themed night, and the theme was CMNM, which means "clothed male/nude male". to put it simply, some people enjoy being naked/exposed in front of others who are not, and some people enjoy being clothed around nude people. it's some power dynamic thing, the clothed person supposedly has more power. and in case you're curious, male-female (and i suspect female-female) versions exist too. as you would expect, some people got naked as the night went on. and as you would expect again, that escalated into some...action, including full-on sex. i didn't go that far - not my thing - but as i was watching two guys go at it, i felt an odd mix of negative emotions...and i want to kind of process that and maybe figure out why i felt that way despite not being into that kind of sex (at least, not with a stranger/someone i don't know well).

the first emotion i guess is some sort of envy/jealousy. at what, though, is what i need to figure out. i guess jealous of the two guys, because their bodies were nice, and what i wish i could look like. plus, they seemed to have a bond while they were doing it...like, a certain familiarity. i casually asked them later, and they told me they're not in a relationship, but are very good friends. so i guess that's where the bond/familiarity comes from. makes me think that at least part of the jealousy stems from wanting that kind of bond with someone. would it be specifically with one of those two? no, actually...though i wouldn't say no to it! i actually thought about which of my friends i would be ok with having such a friendship with...and i'm drawing a blank. i guess it's the background knowledge that most of my friends that i feel close to are straight, and the gay friends that i'm close to are not my type. so...perhaps the process is to meet someone whom i know is into guys (specifically into me) and is my type, then build the friendship? bi guy would have been the ideal candidate, but it appears he's not into me. well...that's something i'll figure out as i go along. another form of jealousy was that one of the guys is a lawyer, and appears to be pretty high-flying. i don't want to do the whole comparison thing, so i'll just remind myself that everyone has their own path to walk in life. i don't know how hard he's worked, what he's sacrificed or missed out on to get to where he is today. and i should give myself credit for amassing the experiences that i have!

next emotion is rejection. it was subtle, but you know...high context society things. the venue is inclusive, so people kind of mix around and do stuff regardless of body type. of course, someone can say no, and it's respected as "no consent given". throughout the action, it was very obvious that some guys were preferred although there was no clear "no". like, the change in enthusiasm was extremely obvious to me. to give a SFW example, when people were hugging goodbye before leaving, the two "stars of the show" didn't hug me back but just kind of...stood there? felt a bit bleh, but ehh whatever. this is probably the superficial part of me talking, but i want to be wanted by people i want. does that make sense? on the flipside, people have the right to make their own decisions, as i have to remember. and while i do admit that the healthy lifestyle/body transformation journey is at least partially motivated by a desire to appear more appealing to my type of guys, i also know that it should be more for myself and the associated health benefits i will get. have to frame this right, so that wrong motivation doesn't cause the plan to implode.

weird, isn't it? i got to watch two hot guys going at it, even lent a hand and perhaps other things (redacted for TMI), but i'm not exactly viewing it as a good/positive experience. don't get me wrong, i enjoyed myself, but the not being wanted thing kind of cast a shadow over it? i guess that's why, and i only got the clarity after writing it out. yay for blogging! moving forward, i'm not going to let this turn me off to such experiences. one modification i might try in the next month would be to go on a night where the theme is more geared towards people of my body type. apparently, there are guys who are built like those two, but who are into bigger guys. i don't get it because i'm not my own type, but well, it takes all sorts. going by the description alone, my odds for success should be higher, but i'm not going to take for granted that anything will happen. just go with an open mind and see what happens.

ok, i think that's enough NSFW stuff for today. in more regular life, we've booked accommodations for japan! i was looking at hotels, but scary JC friend had the bright idea to search for airbnbs. her logic was that while my mentor figure travels frequently-ish, he's probably never had the experience of staying in an airbnb. and she was right! we booked a place that has 3 bedrooms, so there'll be some privacy, at least. i think we're all easygoing enough that living together in the same house shouldn't be a problem. and besides, it's only for 5 nights. i don't think that's long enough for problems to manifest...and i hope i didn't just jinx it.

in tuition news, one girl is not continuing. her chemistry is solid, and she says she needs more help with physics. so...yes. while i can help her with physics to some extent, i don't feel as confident for physics as i do with chemistry. i'm sad to see her go because she usually catches concepts faster and provides correct answers to tougher questions that i ask. but the silver lining is that i can focus more on the other two, and slow down the pace without worrying that she will get bored. not to mention that it makes my job easier, focusing on 2 people instead of 3!

work is normal...i'm still submitting cases, though i'm increasingly worrying that my assessment may not be accurate. that's for my group lead to talk to me about, when she gets around to looking at my cases. i think i have 6 with her, and another 2 or 3 in progress. out of the maybe 6 cases, i believe that 3 should get through with no problems or minor amendments. not super sure about the other 3, but i think i can make the necessary changes quickly enough with her guidance.

generally, i'd say life is as close to my best life as it can get. barring the usual human flaws of laziness (my unpacking!) and some negative emotions from meeting people whose characters clash with mine, that is. sadly, the enthusiastic guy from 2? 3? weeks ago did a 180 and became an ass over text. on the other hand, there was a guy i met online who after exchanging pictures today, told me that i wasn't his type. nothing wrong with that, and equally, nothing i can do about that. i'm grateful that he at least bothered to tell me upfront, instead of just blocking me, not replying my messages, or something messed up like that. gives me some hope that decent people exist in greater numbers than i think!

-random thought of the day: Fix the sleep cycle!-

Need to remind myself not to give the forest up for a tree, especially a tree that's rotten on the inside. while browsing reddit, i saw that the NUS guy who blocked and ghosted me had made a new account, and was posting from it (i recognized him through his pictures). so i just messaged him to ask if everything was ok, and if he had a reason for what he did. not blaming him, just asking in case there were extenuating circumstances. i soon became unable to see his post, which meant that he blocked me on this account as well. just to be sure, i used an alternate account to check if i could see his post, and i could. well...it is what it is, and i have better things to waste my brain cells over.

my reaction to this second round of blocking made me think i've grown up a bit. past me would be all hung up over it, maybe even going to the extent of hounding him for an answer. but present me is just like...ok, move on. one thing that i feel is a major contributor to this mindset shift is that i have a better sense of my market value. previously, low self-confidence made me think that i was unworthy of attention from better-looking guys, so i held on tightly to whatever attention came my way as long as it came from a guy i found attractive. thanks to affirmations from jedi master and other gay friends that i'm attractive including in ways other than physical (not to say that i'm not at least somewhat physically attractive!), plus perhaps growing a thicker skin with age, i'm now finding it easier to let things (guys who ghost) go. i mean, the part of me that wants closure will at least ask if the opportunity arises, but i'm now able to move past it at an appropriate pace and not ruminate (too much) over why i got ghosted even without said closure. besides, i've had encounters with people having better face and body cards, not to mention personalities, so the rejection stings less because i know what level of guys i can get! perhaps not the most healthy way to think about it - it's not a competition, after all. it's the connection that's more important.

died in the gym today. it was my second time doing push day, and i either stagnated at last week's weight or regressed. it was especially noticeable for bench press. my typical target is 6 reps, but i only managed 3-4 reps and failed on the 4th or 5th one. even lowering the weight didn't seem to help. same for dips - i tried to do bodyweight ones using a bench for support, and my arms just gave out. managed 3 half-assed reps before deciding to stop for fear of injuring myself. i felt that the worry was justified, since i used to do 15 at a go! if i had to guess, i'd say it's because i wasn't well-rested. slept around 1:30am last night, then woke up with my alarm only to shut it off and continue sleeping until 8:30. worst part is, i wasn't even doing anything productive/meaningful that would necessitate me staying up so late last night. i guess this is another area in which i need more discipline. remember, 80% of the healthy lifestyle thing happens outside the gym.

small mercy that my office isn't too strict on when we arrive at or leave the office, as long as we maintain a good pace for our work. ok, one of the leads has told my colleagues under him about the optics of leaving at 5pm, but i'm not under him so it's the "you have no power here!" meme as far as his relationship with/influence over me goes. i'm about ready to submit a case, just have to check the citations. with luck, i'll be able to submit another 2-3 this week. that should put me at about par for the promotion goal. i'm not tracking it too closely now, also because the weekly updates aren't coming for january due to some reason. i figure that finishing january with 1/12 of the points i need for this year is good, anything above that is a bonus. and if i'm below (hopefully not by too much), then i'll make it up in the subsequent months. for now, just waiting until tomorrow's steak finishes cooking before i sear it and throw it in the fridge. the more i prep tonight, the less future me has to do tomorrow morning.

-random thought of the day: Keep the healthy lifestyle momentum up!-

Settled a huge arrow today, which was building my bed frame. it was shipped with many additional miscellaneous pieces of wood, and my guess as to why is to fill up space in the box, so the actual parts don't get knocked around. it was so confusing! to prove that my phd isn't just for show, i applied my analytical problem-solving skills and sorted the parts by type, then figured out how many of each part i would need for the structure (eg. 3 horizontal beams, 2X3 vertical sections, etc.). laying them out on the floor really helped; i was able to kind of see where the pieces fit together. it took me about 2-3 hours working at a leisurely pace. not a bad way to spend sunday, working both my mind and body (some of the panels were really heavy)!

yesterday was nice too. i went to the opening of the gay bar where the previous M18 event was held. apparently, they were in the "soft launch" phase then, and this weekend is the grand opening. met a pretty attractive guy i saw during the previous event, but i didn't really get to interact with him then. got uh, much better acquainted with him this time round. i'm hoping that he'll be up for further encounters in the future. signs look good; i got his telegram. but just to remind myself not to have too-high expectations. while i wanted to say "that i'm not owed anything", i do feel like i don't deserve radio silence. guess just because i wouldn't do it to others, doesn't mean that others won't do it to me. anyway, these are just casual interactions for now. part of dealing with casual interactions (and this applies to other areas of life as well) is learning to differentiate the "temporary" people from more "permanent" ones.

one more thing i learnt is how attractiveness largely depends on perception. yes, i know it looks like a captain obvious statement, but hear me out. so at the event yesterday, i met another guy. he was handsome, had a nice body, ticked most of the boxes in our initial interaction...but just as i was thinking of getting to know him better, he started playing with someone else. that's not what turned me off. their play wandered into the BDSM realm (all consensual), and it unsettled me, i guess, that he was willing to inflict pain on another person. my attraction to him literally halved on the spot. yes, i know that he's into different things and everyone was happy, but still. maybe it was more because of how fast he switched from a casual conversation to whipping someone. oh well. guess finding out that i don't like something counts as learning about myself as well.

spent some time last night transferring the keycaps to my new keyboard. when i turned it on, it behaved differently to my office one. example: the logo on my office keyboard will flash blue when it's looking for a bluetooth device to connect to. the Q button flashes on this one. the software that recognizes my office keyboard doesn't recognize this one. since they're supposed to be the same, this leads me to think that (1) the company modified the firmware and/or (2) this shop sold me a fake. i've escalated to shopee while i'm trying to determine if i can accept this in my heart. i would much prefer one that's the same version as my office one, but i've somehow managed to configure this one so it behaves basically the same. i'm also reaching out to a carousell seller in case their version is the same as my office one...only thing is that it'll be white. but at a third of the price, i'm willing to accept it. the saving grace is that the silent linear switches are pretty good, they feel similar to the silent tactiles but without the added resistance from the "tactile bump" as it's called. i think i could use either comfortably! something i want to consider in a future switch layout is mixing different switches on the same keyboard. someone posted on reddit that their caps lock key has a clicky switch, so accidental presses are more easily detected. i like that idea!

my hamstrings, calves, and quads are killing me. not just because friday was leg day and i was on my feet for most of yesterday as well, but i also took my colleague's suggestion of walking at maximum incline of the treadmill for 20 minutes on wednesday, to get my cardio in. it felt surprisingly doable at the time, but my calves nearly exploded the next day. and considering that we use our leg muscles for almost every activity that isn't done sitting or lying down, mine haven't had enough rest over the past 4 days. well, at least it's just discomfort, and not outright pain. scary JC friend said that discomfort is a sign of growth when she saw me taking longer than usual to stand up and sit down. it's applicable to more things than just muscles. i also remembered an interview with arnold schwarzenegger, where he said that the sensation of his muscles burning from pumping iron felt better than sex. i'll just agree to disagree. maybe his brain formed some association between that sore, lactic acid feeling and pleasure? or it might be a motivation thing, like "this means my muscles are getting stronger and i'm closer to achieving my goal".

tomorrow is my moving-in monthversary! so happy i got the bed frame set up before then. like, literally the day before. also happy that i've made progress in establishing a routine, both on the daily and weekly levels. a little less happy about how i'm dragging my heels on unpacking, but it's not urgent, ie. it'll happen when it happens. i do want to tidy the kitchen up a bit more though, to free up some space and make it look less cluttered. that'll be for me to do before CNY, i guess. on the topic of weekly routines, i wonder if it would be responsible for me to go to the gay bar regularly. not "every day" kind of regularly, of course - maybe once a week or two? admission fee is $22 or $32 depending on the night's theme, which i feel is reasonable to pay up to once a week on average. i suppose this is where i need to exercise some adulting skill and prioritize. not going when my work is suffering, for example, or not giving up gym for this. on the flipside, not going just for the sake of going. i figure i'll be smart enough to manage it.

upcoming events: more cases to submit for work. a themed night at the gay bar on friday. booking hotels for the japan trip. alumni CNY dinner next month. more immediately, portioning up and vacuum sealing the meat. hope i can get through at least 2 bags tonight!

-random thought of the day: Why do i keep finding dead cockroaches?-

Learning new things whenever i meet people. so last night, i met up with this guy who i'd previously met at the M18 event. he actually followed through his agreement to meet me again, which already boosted my impression of him. we had dinner first, and as we were talking, i was also extremely impressed by his passion towards several causes, most prominently the state of cycling paths in singapore and how the government can organically promote bicycle use. he also shared that he's in an open relationship with his boyfriend of 8 years(!) and they're planning to get married later this year. it prompted me to think if what some of my gay friends said is true - that opening the relationship up is the only way to ensure its longevity. i don't have a definite answer for that...maybe i'll find out when i'm ready to settle down.

another area in which i learnt something from him was during sexy time. he's the first person i know to have a transformation kink, and what that is is that he's into the thought of becoming an inanimate object - think like a statue, smartphone, chair, basically anything non-living. i wouldn't have believed that such a kink existed if i didn't see it in person! while it's not for me, i think the general philosophy here is not to yuck someone else's yum. he seemed to enjoy himself, so i count that as a win! if things go according to plan, i'll have the opportunity to meet his boyfriend soon. i'm quite impressed that they manage to do the open relationship thing so well. like, he called his boyfriend in the morning, and invited me to say hi and chat a bit. there was zero jealousy or negativity from the boyfriend towards me. don't get me wrong, i'm not going to fall for either of them - we're a little bit too different and the boundaries have been clearly drawn already. but physical attraction is there and since he's in an open relationship, that works out just fine. interestingly, he also invited me to a naturist convention in thailand later this year. scary JC friend was quite tickled when i told her, and she encouraged me to go. while being naked in onsens is fine, i'm not sure if levelling up to a full-on naturist resort will be too big a step for me. still, i have some time to think it over, so it's all good.

i also want to pat myself on the back for going to the gym today! i almost didn't - see, i met my mentor figure and scary JC friend for lunch. by the time we finished and i got home, i was tired enough that i fell asleep in my computer chair! but scary JC friend shared an anecdote with me about her (sadly, straight) colleague, who is pretty handsome and has a great body. their real estate training course thing finished around 10pm, and according to scary JC friend, he posted instagram stories of himself going for a run close to midnight, and working out in the gym early the next morning. i guess the takeaway is that some things require sacrifice. so i put my gym clothes on and took a walk there, did leg day, and walked back. i feel good that i ended up going, and hopefully i'll remember this positive feeling the next time i'm tempted to skip gym. minor annoyance is that i somehow got a skin abrasion from my slipper strap rubbing against the top of my foot. odd that it only happened on my left leg, and not both legs together. but i suppose that's a small blessing, since two abrasions would be worse than one.

major projects/things this weekend include dropping by the opening of a gay bar, where i hope to meet the cute guy again (he's been annoyingly silent, but i'm trying to do the "respect his decision" thing). even if he isn't there, there's potential for new connections and maybe new friends. at least half of sunday will most likely be spent putting the bedframe together. figure i might as well use it since it's here and shopee already refunded me. it's hell of a heavy, which worries me...but i think i can manage. to adapt a quote from michael caine as alfred in batman begins, "what is the point of all those push-ups if you can't even lift a (few) bloody log pieces of wood?". minor projects include portioning up a few huge slabs of meat that i bought for meal prep, provided they've defrosted sufficiently; and setting up my new keyboard! i got an identical kit to the one i'm using in the office because it has 3 more buttons than the one i have at home (among other reasons), but the difference is i'm trying silent linear switches. these ones are highly rated, and made by the same manufacturer as the silent tactiles i'm using in the office. i thus have decently high expectations! i've had a preliminary feel, and i think they feel good. but i'll only have an accurate picture after i transfer the keycaps over. quite excited for that as well!

-random thought of the day: One last week until January ends.-

Recently, jedi master posted on facebook about how he loves the gay community. i don't quite share his sentiment because of all the superficiality and horrible behaviour, but something happened last night that softened my stance a bit.

it started with an invite to an informal gathering at a gay bar. i went in the spirit of putting myself out there, but the crowd was a little too young. let's put it this way - there were some guys waiting to enlist for NS! i tried to be social and joined in the card games, and ended up teaching some people while winning a couple of hands. experience/strategy matters! anyway, one guy came bounding over and upon finding out we were playing cards, excitedly asked to join in. i later found him alone and apparently, i'm his type! i liked his energy from the initial interaction when playing cards, plus he's really cute and built like a tank. not my usual type, but it works on him. i was extremely impressed that he managed to lift me up! like, literally carry me. we ended up talking in between making out (sorry), and he was telling me that he kind of wanted to be a girl because girls are cute. i don't know if that reason is legitimate, but it is real enough to him. his first step into that is crossdressing, and i think he was worried that people would judge him for it. i'll say that he's right - they will. but i told him that whatever he does should be to make himself happy, and it's fine as long as no others are harmed. hopefully that message got through, especially the last part.

he then asked me how i would react if he got top surgery (breast augmentation). personally, i'm neutral. like, i wouldn't stop being friends with someone because of that. even if it was my partner who wanted it, i think i'd be ok. but i would draw the line at bottom surgery. i think being gay has the inherent connotation of liking men, and that includes "man parts" to me. besides as you may remember from some random posts, lady parts scare me. i must admit, it was kind of a serious discussion for two people who'd just met that night, even if mutual attraction was present. in the end, cooler heads prevailed and we both agreed that we weren't going to date each other, but being friends was fine. benefits are not off the table either, so that makes me happy.

side note: remember how i said it was quite a confidence boost to know that people found you attractive? i found a bigger confidence boost - knowing that you/your actions are the reason that someone is hot and bothered. i don't think i'm super good at making out, but apparently i was good enough. and jedi master was right about this as well - good enough is enough when it's casual. i enjoyed myself too, so it's all good.

today was day 1 of gym, and it went well-ish. did the "push" segment, and i realize that i've lost so much strength! the strength i have now comes by virtue of my size and knowledge of biomechanics from judo, both of which do not count when trying to isolate and target certain muscle groups. i'm using literally half the weight i was using at my peak, which is a bit of a humbling realization especially since my peak wasn't very high in the grand scheme of things. but hey, lifting something is better than lifting nothing. this time, i think i want to moderate my expectations a bit - both regarding results and my performance. results is obvious - to have patience and trust that what i'm doing is paying off. as for performance, the idea is to leave the toxic mindset of "go all out" that's instilled in NS, and to exhaust myself within limits. does that sound oxymoronic? basically i just mean to keep a little energy in reserve, so that i don't overtire my muscles and recovery is easier.

after gym, i met a potential gym/accountability buddy just for a vibe check and to see how we aligned on things. it went ok, i think working out together should be doable. he also confessed that while he really did want a buddy, it was also a lead-in to fulfill one of his kinks (he's straight, by the way). not going to say what it is, because while i'm not judging him, it's not something that i'm into or feel is healthy. we talked about it for a bit, and i tried to uncover any causes or motivations. don't know how successful i was, but he seemed to have second thoughts and a lot to think about. i'm happy that i seemed to be of some help. jedi master says he thinks i'll be a powerful figure in the LGBT community one day. discounting the fact that this guy is straight, maybe this is my first step on that path as well? anyway, we're at least good for workout buddies, so that's something to look forward to!

the person i was supposed to meet tomorrow just blocked me on telegram. just when i said i was starting to see the community in general in a better light! guess he got cold feet, but still i think it's incredibly rude. to think i promised to cook for him, too! good thing i haven't started any prep yet. of course, there is a possibility that he may unblock me tomorrow, but let's be realistic...odds of that are lower than me losing 10kg after a night's sleep. speaking of which, i should really sleep earlier. what do they say again? 80% of weight loss happens outside the gym...something like that.

-random thought of the day: Mildly bummed.-

Week 2 of the year is drawing to a close. or is it week 2.5 since the year started on a thursday? i'll just call it week 2, i think. easier for accounting purposes. i'm getting a better idea of how routine life is going to look like, and i'm good with it in general. excited to see how the addition of gym starting from next week will affect things.

this week gave me more insight into pacing, both for work and other things. work first. since 2 january until now, i've cleared 3 cases, with another 3 ready to submit. in terms of points, i should be barely making the pace for promotion. to be fair, my nose is not exactly to the grindstone yet, and i would describe my pace over the past 2 weeks as "fairly relaxed", almost similar to last year's. so, there's a lot of room for me to ramp up if i feel like i'm lagging too far behind. my cases have come back with mostly minor corrections - nothing that would necessitate me rewriting the whole report - and i've been able to get them out within 2 rounds of checks. that gives me hope that i'm progressing well!

in less happy work news, the rumour mill says that possibly two of my colleagues may not be made permanent staff. apparently, one has been asked to resign, while the fate of the other won't be known until around march-ish. the somewhat scary thing is that i see a bit of myself (the old me, at least) in colleague #1. lone wolf, trying to face problems and challenges solo, not asking for help, or waiting until it's too late to do so. i'm grateful that similar to university, an extrovert adopted me on my first day in the company, and i consequently became a regular member of the lunch group with my new (well, not so new by now) colleagues. to give myself credit too, i've been present and engaged in interactions with my colleagues both socially and professionally, so it goes both ways. plus, i've kind of found the sweet spot, time-wise, to know when to stop bashing at the problem ineffectually and to turn to peers/seniors for advice.

colleague #2 is a bit more unfortunate. based on their performance and our interactions during training, we know that they're capable. bonus is they're a normal human being and nice to talk to (which is more that can be said about some other colleagues!). but their boss, for whatever reason, doesn't seem to agree with us, at least on the capability part. we feel that their boss might hold some irrational bias towards them, but we don't know why. anyway, i feel that it will be our and the company's loss if colleague #2 is let go, and while i was going to say "i really hope they get to stay", i think that's selfish because staying may not the the best thing for them, especially with the boss situation. instead, i'll say that i wish that colleague #2 gets the best thing that could happen to them.

one last work thing. so as i kind of spoke about in the last post, i had a semi-formal event yesterday which necessitated dressing up. i realize that i kind of like wearing formal clothes once in a while...once in a very long while, to be clear. i mean, i kind of get why some people think that business attire (especially a suit) is modern-day armour. but it's so troublesome, and gets so hot in singapore weather! thank goodness my standard office attire is t-shirt and jeans. i'm also happy that both my formal shirt and pants, which were tailored to fit past versions of me, have gotten a bit looser. my colleague noticed that the seam lines on my shirt that are supposed to line up with my shoulders, are now past the tops of my arms. motivation! i also made some time during the event to talk to one of my newer colleagues, who is a hobbyist bodybuilder and recently won a competition for bodybuilding newbies. apparently, he was a fat kid (sorry for the crude description) but is now like, super buff. and he's tall, which adds to the overall intimidation factor. but he's super nice and willing to share his knowledge, so i'm kind of adopting him as my unofficial knowledge base. most interesting part: he's a biologist, so he was able to explain the biological pathways and signalling molecules for muscle growth. i find that it's more credible coming from him!

pacing in terms of other things...the weight loss journey is going to take the time it needs. i was moaning about it to scary JC friend, and she told me to respect time. i know, i didn't get to this weight overnight, and therefore i also won't lose the weight overnight. just have to remind myself to be patient and do what i can. speaking of which, i had her, her boyfriend, and ID friend over on wednesday. ID friend got into an accident on the way here, but it seems that another car hit his so he's going to claim from their insurance. apart from that, the night went well! i got to know her boyfriend a little better, and the 3 of us (ID friend had to go off early to pick his wife up) talked about a wide range of topics, including some of my recent experiences. i'm grateful that there are people in this world who will listen to me without judgement. she loves the sofa, and appeared impressed by the sous vide steaks i made, so that was nice too. while i'm familiar with the cooker itself, the vacuum sealer took a bit more finagling. after wasting a few cm of vacuum seal bags, i realized that the trick to getting a good vacuum was to have one of the little posts/tabs in the machine inserted into the opening of the vacuum bag before closing the vacuum chamber. keeps the bag open for air to be drawn out. i'm really looking forward to start cooking and bringing food to work!

*NSFW warning* sidetrack: a more interesting topic i spoke with scary JC friend about before her boyfriend got here was paying for companionship, emotional fulfillment, and/or sex. personally, i don't like the idea, which is why i won't do it. i'd rather have a genuine connection as opposed to making things about money. my reasoning is that the connection is so transactional, like it'll disappear if the money dries up. but according to her philosophy of each fulfilling the other's needs, it's perfectly fine to pay to feel like you're loved since relationships are transactional anyway. maybe i don't like involving money because it makes the transactional nature so much clearer. i mean, no judgement from me, if both parties are ok with it then who am i to say they're wrong? but it feels not entirely right to me, i guess because the emotional connection is based on cash and not actual feelings. i hope that i will be able to make deeper (physical and/or romantic) connections with people who actually value me for me, and not the number in my bank account.

another kind of pacing i need to work on is the pace at which i'm meeting guys. i think i'm having what can best be described as a "kid in candy store" phase...unlimited freedom, people willing to travel to me, so i'm going a bit crazy. reminder to self: screen people more thoroughly. some people lie by omission, as was the case with one person i met earlier tonight. the experience was...ok, but i don't think i'll want a repeat. i used to think that bad sex > no sex, because you would at least have a measure of physical satisfaction even if not emotional. but now...i'm not so sure any more. the hassle-to-payoff ratio might mean that sometimes, no sex is better - as was the case tonight. makes me wonder if how i'm feeling now is how some of the other guys that haven't been replying or whose replies got colder felt. while i'm still all for the "respect their decision" thing, i also think it would be easier if they'd just let me know outright if they didn't want to see me again. or maybe it's the asian high-context society thing, that i should be able to infer it from their behaviour. have i mentioned that i don't really care for it?

it actually links to another point i'd been wanting to blog about. there's this quote that goes something like "never beg for a seat at a table at which you aren't welcome". some other variations exist, including "stop begging for a seat at a table you're not valued at", or "never beg for a seat when you can build your own table". the message is similar, i think - stop trying to get the attention of people who don't see your value. while i know that it makes sense and will save me a lot of heartache/negative feelings in the long run, putting that into practice isn't easy because they have something i value! bi guy and his body, for example, or the cute guy and his everything. i wonder if there's any solution for this? off the top of my head, i can think of a few, but none that will end well. is it better to live in this limbo of "maybe things will happen again, maybe they won't", or to know for sure? in most other aspects of life, i would choose the latter without hesitation. but in this case, because bi guy has been more responsive, perhaps that's giving me the illusion of hope. or maybe i need to figure out what he wants, so that i can offer him something he values. seems like i still have a lot to learn about human interactions!

-random thought of the day: All things in moderation.-

Encountered 2 wholesome things on the walk home over the past 2 days. first was yesterday, where i bumped into my colleague from the same intake at the lift. she was headed home too, and we walked together for a bit since she stays at macpherson. along the way, she asked about my "date" with bi guy (i told my lunch group of colleagues i was meeting someone, but not that it was a guy), and i updated her that it seems like a one-time/casual thing as of now. that led to a deeper talk about relationships (including hers with her new husband) and she also shared that she had a friend who got cheated on. sad to say that it seems to be more common than you'd believe.

perhaps i should give some background info...this colleague comes across as a bit ditzy/airheaded, but this is one of those "don't judge a book by it's cover" cases. she has a phd for one, and if that doesn't say enough, she gives deep insights when it comes to serious conversation despite her regular tangents and blonde moments in casual conversation. i have no plans to share my more personal life with my colleagues (eg. come out to them), but i think it'll be fine if i do do so eventually. reminder to self: there should be some professional distance, especially in the first few years at the job.

second wholesome thing was today, as i was walking home. it started getting windy, and i looked up just in time to see small leaves blow off the trees and flutter in the breeze. it's such a simple thing, but i felt happy to have caught the exact moment they looked the prettiest. like i said in my new year's post, i want to be more conscious about finding the little joys in life, and that was one of them.

i also learnt from my colleagues how i've been spoilt by my mentor. when i sent cases for her to check and review, she usually got back to me in 3-4 days to a week at the maximum. now that i'm sending cases to my group lead instead, they've been sitting there for over a week and counting. my colleagues tell me that a week or two's wait is normal, and they have gotten back cases after 1.5-2 months at the worst! so happy i got her the slightly more atas cookies as a thank you present; she definitely deserves that at least for all the effort she's spent on me. so i guess the plan for now is to keep on submitting cases at my pace, and let the comments come back whenever. the fear here is that i won't remember the facts of the earlier cases when it comes time to discuss them. but that's why we're supposed to document everything. just something to get used to.

the malaysian guy i was supposed to meet at NUS tonight got quiet starting from sunday, and i found out that he'd blocked me yesterday. needless to say, the meeting didn't happen. i don't understand what happened; especially since he still appeared enthusiastic about it the last time we chatted on saturday. more than that, he seemed like a genuine person. well...maybe he got cold feet, found someone he thought was more attractive and started talking with intention to date, or was about to cheat and suffered an attack of conscience. i don't know, and i'm not going to waste brain cells guessing which is more likely. again, i just find it sad that he couldn't at least tell me. i hate that people think it's ok to just block like that. while it is more convenient in a way, it also doesn't consider the other party's feelings. and that's something i guess i became more sensitive to thanks to the japan experience.

speaking of japan, i have 2 japan-related thoughts. remember the supposed half-japanese guy that started talking to me? i am now 99.99% sure he's a scammer. in addition of him not being able to get his story straight about why we can't meet this weekend, his english got more unhinged as the conversation progressed, to the point where i'm very sure he's using a translation app. he also sent me supposed photos of his dinner, or of him drinking tea. fortunately for me, he wasn't smart enough to choose convincing pictures - his dinner photo literally included a japanese-style wooden floor. not something that you'd expect to see in singapore! and thanks to the power of google reverse image search, i found exact matches for both photos. even the placement of the each strip of meat, the orientation of each rice grain...identical. but the next thing is where he really messed up. i asked him for his full name in kanji. he replied in english characters. what self-respecting japanese person doesn't know what kanji means!? i then clarified i meant chinese characters, and he gave me a combination of characters which based on my japanese language and culture knowledge, i think is either super rare or utter nonsense. guess which one i'm leaning to? i asked him how the characters are split up to give his supposed reading, and he hasn't replied since then. i think he realized he messed up. well, i'm just going to watch him try to dig himself out of this hole (if he even tries), then block him when i'm bored. we were set to meet up this weekend...i wonder how he would have tried to get out of it. family emergency? sudden illness? maybe i should try pushing for it, just to see what he cooks up.

the next japanese thing is happier, and is our japan trip! i looked at flight prices today, and it seems the second week of march is cheaper. so, that's what we're aiming for. i added a new sidequest to the trip, and that's to get a knife from the famous sakai blacksmithing district in osaka. i'll probably have to discuss the detailed itinerary with scary JC friend when she comes over tomorrow. i'm a tiny bit nervous, because we're travelling with my mentor figure who's in his 70s. need to put more thought into pacing the activities and planning breaks. i'm not really experienced in travelling with elderly people, so i'll defer to scary JC friend for pacing. to be fair, my mentor figure is still quite fit for his age, so i don't anticipate (m)any issues.

bonus japanese thing! now that i have a more powerful desktop and multiple screens, i was able to watch my japanese friend's stream on the side while writing this post. our last interaction was probably a year or more ago? felt good to hear that he missed me, and it was really nice listening to him speak japanese and realizing that i still understood over 90% of what he said! i should plan to visit him this year. maybe if bi guy wants to go to japan...or i can always go solo again later in the year. the trip should be for me, and not for him.

forecast for this week looks good...party with friends tomorrow, plus possibly submitting another 2 cases. half-day onsite event on thursday - it's one of only two events we have to dress up for each year. figure it's a nice change of pace. i even washed my formal shirt, now just have to see if the oxidant was successful in removing the stains. nothing scheduled for friday at this point, i don't think - looks to be just a regular day at the office. usual tuition on saturday plus maybe meeting someone on one weekend day. i should do more unpacking! wonder if setting a goal of like, 2 boxes a week might help. it's a bit tricky too, because i need shelves and storage. i guess i can start on clothes when my aunt passes me the clothes rack probably this sunday. settling all my clothes will free up 1-2 boxes plus a suitcase, and go a significant way to making my common room look less cluttered. i ordered groceries from redmart for the first time for the party tomorrow, and set the delivery for 7-9am, so that i have time to prepare for a sous vide cook. figured that i might as well test my shiny new toys out, and i'm excited for it!

-random thought of the day: Focus more on the important things.-

Only 11 days into the year, and i've already had a bunch of new experiences. although it's still early, i think that i should do some introspection to kind of process them, ground myself, and make sure that my priorities are still right. warning: most of this post will be NSFW.

guess i'll start by talking about the event on friday. it was...interesting. i must say, it's kind of empowering to know that people find you attractive (or at least not repulsive). must be why all the hot guys post thirst traps and related content everywhere! without going into too NSFW territory, i'll just say that (sorry in advance for the mental image) i groped and got groped while not having much clothes on. all consensually, of course. i really enjoyed it! more than that, i ended the night with the contacts of 2 cute guys. i'm quite looking forward to seeing them again, because one of them is super my type (cute face, enjoys making out, seems like my type personality-wise as well) and the other is really nice. not that the first one isn't nice, but i'll have to get to know him better for a more complete/accurate picture. he hasn't been responsive on text though, so i don't know how things will go at this point.

the next event was having someone over for...activities this weekend. he was enthusiastic initially, and i think we both enjoyed ourselves in the process. but towards the end, i could sense he had some reluctance about meeting again in the future. post-activity clarity, maybe? well...whatever he chooses is his decision and i should respect it. at least i learned from the previous experience with the ghosting guy and made sure activities were completed before this guy left, if you know what i mean.

so, introspection time. i don't know if it's a thing exclusive to the gay community or if straight people experience it as well, but people tend to be non-committal. like in my experience so far, things go well when we're face to face. but after that, the texts dry up and suggestions/invitations to meet again are met with "see how", "not sure when i'm free", "don't know", etc. makes me wonder if i'm doing something wrong. one thing the guy told me 2 fridays ago was that the message you're trying to convey may not necessarily be the same message received by the other party. that's like communications 101, but it's especially relevant here. my purpose in asking about next time is first for clarity (do they want to do it again?) and secondly for planning (if they do, when?), to satisfy my need for a clear answer. i really think that's my mild autistic thing. but maybe me asking about definite answers about future meetups so soon makes me come across as like, too clingy or desperate. i might just try something along the lines of "that was fun, text me when you're next in the mood" with the next guy, and see if that gives me better results.

more importantly, i had a brief chat with jedi master to update him that i took his advice of putting myself out there, and he reminded me to bear 3 extremely important things in mind - (1) never do drugs; (2) never leave evidence in the form of photos or videos; and (3) physical intimacy is dangerously addictive. being chemically trained, i know #1. drugs are a hard no for me. heck, even smoking is already a hard no! so drugs are definitely out of the question. in fact, probably the only time i'll ever consider doing drugs is in the extreme circumstance that i have an incurable, terminal illness. even then, it'd probably be just to try what getting high feels like. or maybe euthanasia via drug overdose...but i digress. #2 is also not a problem for me. i'm not about to let anyone film me, and i have control of this since it's my house. there'll be less control outside, but i figure that it should be ok as long as i'm vigilant. it helps that the organizer of the event last friday also had a strict "no camera" policy! hopefully i'll be able to join more of his events in the future.

#3 is the one that i'm really needing to ground myself on. laugh if you want, but being body-conscious and having low-self confidence meant that i got a very late start at doing it with other people. and now that i'm letting loose to explore a bit, i realize how easily things can get out of control. doesn't help that the dating apps are literally designed to feed you tons of guys, so the worst case is that someone may find himself scheduling sex appointments non-stop...kind of like quagmire in that family guy episode about tinder. what i need to remember is: while it's great that i'm putting myself out there and catching up on the missed experiences of my 20s and earlier 30s, i shouldn't let that get in the way of my more important life goals...staying employed to afford things i want being a huge one. that means 2 things - not letting this exploration phase (is it a phase?) affect my work, and not doing anything stupid that would get me fired. in a way, i'm kind of relieved that the guy from a few days ago ghosted, because i feel like he wasn't being completely honest with me about certain important details. dodged a bullet there i guess!

and it's not just that. you may have seen above that jedi master said it was addictive. well, the verbatim quote he messaged was "sex is an addiction that takes a lot of discipline". i think he chose the word "addiction" quite deliberately. like with all things that are pleasurable, it involves dopamine. knowing that humans are notorious for going to ridiculous lengths to get a dopamine hit, and knowing some of the stupid things i've personally done for even a chance of it (going into malaysia in the middle of the night, anyone?), i definitely have to be a lot more disciplined than i was this past week. this includes ignoring my phone and actually focusing on my work when i'm working from home. of course, that's rational me writing this. the challenge is when irrational/bored me is working.

*NSFW stuff over*

taking a step back, i should also focus more on my deeper connections - the ones who are going to be around for much longer than a single night. i'm due to have scary JC friend and ID friend over on wednesday. the official reason is for them to test the sofa out (it's here!), but i'm viewing it as more of a "thank you" party to express my appreciation that they both contributed to my current state of being able to sit and blog in my fully-renovated flat. it's mad how many things had to line up perfectly, and i'm immensely grateful for both of them actually getting it done. i also have to start looking into flights and things to do for the japan trip in march. one item on my personal list is getting a knife in osaka. i tried restoring my previous japanese knife which had rusted after ~5 years of disuse, and it seems the rust ate away at the edge quite a bit. pretty sure it's still usable, but just try telling that to the imbalance in my heart. i'll know for sure when i try it out later in the week.

other things that happened this week - i did (slightly) more unpacking, and set my computer up! i have 2 screens when using a laptop, and 3 screens for my desktop. another example of how i'm not good at spatial visualization - can you believe i thought 2 X 31 inch monitors might not be enough? needless to say, they're plenty. and they take up plenty of space, too. thankfully i still have enough space to include my samsung monitor (the one i brought back from japan), though it has to be vertical. the tentative plan is the vertical (left) monitor will be used for my discord and OBS when streaming, the middle one for the game, and the right one for whatever else i need (guides, wikis, etc.).

as for more important stuff, i'm preparing for the gym phase of plan "tend the garden". the supplements and/or exercise appear to be helping my overall mood, though that might just be placebo effect - i don't know. i should start on creatine tomorrow, to give it time to bioaccumulate before my first workout. they say a side effect of creatine is water retention, so my weight may not go down as quickly, or may even go up. well, i figure it'll be ok as long as i recognize what it is. i should also get my gym clothes out and possibly give them a wash if they're smelling too musty. still waiting on my aunt's shipment to arrive for the clothes racks, but i can make do for now. not that i use that many clothes anyway. meal prep is the next big thing that i want to tackle, but i'll save that for another post.

not sure how i'm feeling now. on one hand, things are going well, and i'm happy/grateful for that. yet, the impatient part of me wants things to move faster. lose weight faster, build muscle faster, clear cases faster, get promoted faster. i know that most of the work/effort happens behind the scenes, and regular life is basically behind the scenes. like, none of the guys i meet at events are going to see me lifting weights or meal prepping. similarly, none of the IP professionals or industry partners i meet at industry events will realize how long i agonized over their cases, how many rounds of amendments we had before feeling confident about sending the report out. but it's the journey that will get us to the destination. just tend the garden, and the butterflies will come. not that i'm looking for a particular butterfly now; it's quite nice to be able to admire/play with all the butterflies that stop by, without facing any repercussions. maybe being single is the way to go?

-random thought of the day: Life could be better, but it's also pretty good now.-

Human interactions are complex. i'm feeling that first-hand as a result of the "putting myself out there" thing. i guess it's to be expected, so i figured that i should remind myself of what's really important.

before that though, let me just fill you in on things that have happened so far, so that you have some context. i guess the thing that's weighing most heavily on my mind now is bi guy. after that night, he's become a bit more...distant? like, he's been noncommittal about meeting up again. he says it's because his parents will ask where he's been, because he doesn't usually stay over away from home. but...he's 31. i don't think it's that difficult to say "i'm staying over at a friend's place", though to be fair i don't know his parents. to remind myself of what scary JC friend said, it's all about if each other's needs are being met. maybe his aren't fully being met by me, hence his non-eagerness to engage more. or maybe that's just his personality. he strikes me more as a black cat than a golden retriever, if you know what i mean. well, he knows to be honest and upfront with me, and while i can ask occasionally, i don't want it to go into "pushy" territory.

second thing on my mind, only because it happened so recently. so i went to meet a guy yesterday for uh...activities. we planned another thing at my place this afternoon/evening, but he outright ghosted me since the morning. the thing that annoys me is that he seemed so enthusiastic last night! is it that hard for people nowadays to say "sorry, it was good/ok/bad, i don't think i want to do it again"? extends to bi guy too; i don't know if he's doing the whole "not technically ghosting because he's still responding but ghosting because he never initiates anything" thing to make himself believe he's not a bad person. weirder thing is that both bi guy and this guy reacted positively, so i'm just wondering what happened. for this guy, it might be that he got cold feet, or that he found another person to mess with. no point in me guessing too much. instead, it's better that i accept his decision and be grateful for the good experience...although i would really have liked a repeat.

third thing, i met another guy over the weekend. the gay cheat code is real! he was nice, but too camp for me. also, my hypothesis about level of camp being directly proportional to level of drama proved itself once again. i will say though, he is an example of how personality trumps looks, because (if he isn't lying to me) he seems to have a fairly active bedroom scene, and is punching above his weight. i guess youth helps; he's in his early 20s. but to be that confident and have that much experience at that age...i do kind of regret not venturing out earlier. having said that, with my mentality and insecurities at that time, i might have permanently messed myself up if i did...or i might have found a nice guy to grow old with. who knows? since i can't change the past, no point ruminating about it. you know the saying about the best time to plant a tree; i've definitely written about it before.

in that spirit, i'm also now on a couple of the more well-known LGBT dating apps. let me tell you something...i'm remembering why i adamantly refused to go on them back when i was even less confident about my body and looks. the worst response i've received so far is an outright block after sending my picture over, the kindest is the other party saying "i'll pass". it really is a meat market out there. but then considering that the intention is to find something less permanent/more transient than a life partner, i suppose "meat market" is adequate.

reminder to myself that the people i meet on these apps are not necessarily the same people that i'd want in my life long-term. there's this supposedly half-japanese guy who's been talking to me, and he's trying to get me to trade in crypto. my batman side is trying to figure out how the scam works, but it seems above-board so far. like, the app he recommended i download is from the play store, he hasn't asked for control of my devices or any sensitive information like logins or passwords. makes me wonder if he's playing a long con. well...as long as i only put in money i'm ok with losing, i figure it won't hurt that much if/when things go to hell. the english this guy uses seems ok for a japanese person; he even has the tendency to use overcomplicated words and sentence patterns just like people who approach english scientifically...or who are using a translation app. well, i'm taking things with a pillar of salt until i actually meet him and get a better read on him.

i've submitted a few more cases, but none have come back so far. my group lead does things differently from my mentor, i guess. also, she has more people to oversee, so i expect she's trying to clear earlier cases first. my worry is that if i keep submitting cases, they'll accumulate and i'll get mixed up about the facts of each one when it's time for amendments. there are only 3 so far, but i plan on submitting another 2 early next week. let's hope some cases come back in the interim, so they don't build up too much.

upcoming events: an M18 event tomorrow, in the vein of what jedi master said: going to a gay sauna and sitting naked there with no expectations. it's not exactly that, and i won't say what the actual event is for fear of TMI...but yes. something like that. usual stuff over the weekend - i was supposed to meet another guy, but he's just coming back from his hometown (he's malaysian) and he's afraid that he might be too tired and/or preoccupied with errands. so, we're shifting that to tuesday. he's an NUS student, so i'll be making a trip back to my alma mater. hopefully things go well and we hit it off. if not...respect his decision and be grateful for the interaction so far. trying to internalize that. there's also a whole bunch of unpacking to do. scary JC friend says to do it in my own time, and that i'll naturally unpack the things that i need. or, i'll get so annoyed at seeing the mountain of boxes that i'll go on an unpacking rampage. the latter situation feels more likely now; i just need to find a suitably large chunk of free time to channel my unpacking rage. sunday, probably!

last thing is something i forgot to blog about in the new year post, but i feel is more relevant now especially with the recent app experience. spite truly is a great motivator. it's hell of a toxic, but i've found myself thinking 'just wait till i get hot and reject you bunch of CBs instead!' and that gives me motivation to stick to eating well (for now, because gym hasn't started yet). if all goes well, plan "-25kg by june" will work. and even if i don't hit that exact number, getting to like 80-90% of the way there will already be huge in itself. the difficulty here is that it's not going to be instant. i KNOW it's not going to be instant, and yet every day i wake up it's like..."why not yet!?". people say to trust in the process, that it will happen as long as i do the right things. on a logical/theoretical level, i know that it makes sense. on the practical/actual level...i'm not seeing the results i want. could be that it's still too early - after all, i haven't started gym yet. good news is i'm getting eating/nutrition right, i literally have not been snacking since moving in. well, that's also partially because i haven't bought any snacks. can't eat something that's not available, right?

-random thought of the day: Why is survival mode still partially on?-

Got a bit too caught up in the new year hype in the last post, because after a few days of seeing what times work best for my sleep cycle, i realize morning gym is not feasible for me. thankfully, my schedule is flexible enough to accommodate evening gym too, which i actually think makes more sense. start work fresh and clean, go to the gym after work, then just go home in sweaty gym clothes. i've also realized that i have a whole bunch of free time in the evenings, where a gym workout would fit in really nicely. my membership starts on the 19th, so that's when i'll put it to the test.

in more immediately-actionable things, i've started doing some bodyweight exercises every morning. just 20 push-ups and 20 squats to start, and the goal here is to increase the number every week or two. my muscles are aching after just 3 days! shows how long i've put off any form of exercise. i've also started doing the supplement thing - standard combination of fish oil, zinc, magnesium, and vitamin D for now, with plans to start protein and creatine once i begin gymming. not sure if i want to add a multivitamin at this point, because it feels like i don't need it? well i guess we'll see if i show any signs of vitamin deficiency and tune the plan accordingly.

also, i tried walking back from work today, just to mark my first in-office day of 2026. got sweaty, as expected. maybe instead of riding my bike, i should just anywheel to the office. that way, i can dump the bike there once i'm done, which also means that i can walk home without having to worry about bike logistics. something to consider, after i scout the availability of bike-sharing facilities. i suppose i could just cycle to and fro, but that would mean less energy expenditure vs. walking. maybe i'll cycle on gym days and walk for active recovery.

here's something else i learnt over the past few days. *NSFW WARNING* from what a younger gay guy told me, having your own place is like a gay guy's cheat code to get more uh...intimate encounters. let's just say that i'm finding that to be true. somewhat related to getting more encounters (both intimate and not), one gay guy i met with on friday night (just for dinner and to get some advice) told me that if i wanted to put myself out there, i should work on my personal brand. what might that be, though? i'll have to figure that out. for now, "older/more mature guy with his own place" seems to be working decently enough, but i don't think that's the best representation of me.

things with bi guy are going well enough, though we haven't met in person since that day. he's open to a second meetup, but isn't sure when he can make it. i'm trying my best to not be pushy, but i have asked on a couple of occasions. well, i figure that it will happen when it happens. at this point, i'm pretty sure that i'm not catching feelings for him. but of the two of us, i know that i'm the more invested one right now. old habits die hard, i guess. that's why i have to remember that we are not dating, and that i can't expect any more from him than what i would from a friend. the plus side is that he seems keen to continue this interaction, and i don't think he's lying to me about that. just have to regulate my own feelings.

so far, 2026 has been good. had the first lunch of the year with my cohort of colleagues today, where we caught each other up on the holiday period. some of them are already planning overseas trips! which reminds me - i should start looking at flight prices to japan. other work things: i submitted a case last week, and i'll probably submit 2 more tomorrow. that actually puts me on track for the promotion target. i've also asked my boss for new cases. they seem intimidating at first glance, but that's always how it is. they look scary until i've read through the documents, and then they become more approachable. i wonder if there'll be a day where i don't get scared by new cases initially? i'll let you know again in a few years at least.

-random thought of the day: Maintain this momentum!-

2026 is here! feels like any old day, though. i guess with all the new house novelty, the new year novelty is somewhat diminished. but there's no denying that it's 1 january 2026, which means a whole new set of challenges, goals, and things to do. at this point, i'm a touch apprehensive. more than that, i'm hopeful that 2026 will be a better year than 2025.

to start, my mission statement this year is "invest in myself". or, as scary JC friend more poetically put it, "tend the garden". see, the analogy here is that if you're trying to catch a butterfly, you can try running after it with a net, or you can grow pretty flowers to attract it over. the first is more exhausting and kind of scares the butterfly away, while the second brings the butterfly to you, but needs time. i think it's a good plan. if i chase people as i am now, i'm bound to receive a lot of rejections just based on how i look. but if i work on myself and become a better person both physically and in 人品 (the translation google gave is "character", but i want to say something more like "becoming a better-quality human being"), i'll attract more people naturally.

with that background laid, what tangible things can i do to tend the garden? as far as physical looks go, the answer has always been "diet and exercise". i lost 20kg in 6 months in japan, and that was without focusing on exercise at all! granted, i got passive exercise walking about in the schools, but imagine how much difference a dedicated exercise regimen would make! more importantly, i've proven to myself that i can do it. so, if i've done it before, i know i can do it again. similar to japan, i'm now living alone. so, if i jump off the bandwagon and buy/eat a truckload of snacks, i have only myself to blame. i don't think i will, but cravings can be weird.

how exactly am i going to do this diet and exercise thing? well, i signed up for a gym membership, for one. 24X fitness at singpost centre, which is literally next to my office building. my membership begins on the 19th, so there's still some buffer time. the plan is to do strength training at least 3 times a week, supplemented by 2 cardio sessions - an inclined treadmill brisk walk, and a swim. figure i'd better use those activesg credits! for more passive exercise, i plan to do simple bodyweight movements in the morning, as well as walk or cycle to work if the weather allows. thing is, i haven't decided if i want to shower at the gym or in my office building, or just skip the shower altogether. i guess i'll just see how sweaty i am after the walk/ride.

for diet, the plan is to eat less. i realize that the adults in my life didn't exactly promote a healthy relationship with food. even today, during the new year lunch that my aunt organized, they kept asking/telling my nephew, "you eat one bowl only ah? eat more lah!" despite him saying he was full. ok to be fair, he's a little scrawny, but still. anyway, i guess partially because of being encouraged to eat with basically no limits, my perception of food quantity is a bit warped. like even now, i'll order what i think is a just-right amount, only to realize that it was too much as the meal progressed. that's something i'll have to figure out. the plan is to make lunch my main meal, with perhaps a small dinner within 6 hours of lunch. maybe supplement with a protein shake on gym days. but i also don't want to go all militaristic about it, to the extent of making my friends accommodate my dining times. so, i'll still eat as normal with friends, but make up for it in other ways. like, if i have a dinner appointment, i'll just grab a light lunch or something. as for what food to eat, the focus will be on whole foods. i should start doing meal prep soon, which will be made easier by the sous vide cooker and vacuum sealer an alumni member got me as a moving-in gift! which reminds me, i need to get vacuum-seal bags, a container, and a blowtorch.

work is another big aspect that i want to focus on. i'm now into my second year on the job! or at least i will be, come 6 january. as you may have gotten tired of hearing by now, i'm aiming for the extended promotion goal, which i have to hit by 31 december this year. it's not going to be easy, and i'll have to work at about double my current pace to get things done. for context, i would describe my pace this year as "relatively leisurely". so, ramping up is not going to stretch me unreasonably, i don't think. good news is i'll no longer be mentored, so getting cases through should be faster. bad news is i'll no longer be mentored, so chances are higher that my final draft may contain mistakes or omissions without my mentor's fine-toothed comb going through it. but as leadership says, our work is on a best-effort basis. i figure as long as i don't make (m)any too-egregious mistakes, i should be fine. besides, it's an opportunity to improve my own comb's fineness! i also have to remember to account for breaks/holidays in my pacing, because i have 14 days of leave carried over from last year to clear. if i don't use it, it's gone. along with my 3 days of MC-less MC, 2 days of family care leave, 1 day of birthday leave, and 1 day of volunteering leave, that puts me at up to 21 days to use or lose before the year is up. the japan trip in march will probably take up 4-5 days, and i'm setting aside another 4-5 days for a potential overseas trip with bi guy. that's still extremely tentative, so fingers crossed? i guess i can slot mental health days here and there, or keep a small pool aside for emergencies.

related to work, i don't know what will happen for tuition. what i do know now is that i have my one usual class, with maybe one more starting from mid-january. i also know that the venue will close in june/july, which means that we are going to have to move with them. i hear tiong bahru is a potential location. it'll mean a slightly further commute, but i figure it's still within my threshold.

as far as relationships go, i don't plan to get into one this year. although this line of thinking is not 100% healthy, i feel like i need to be more confident in my own appearance before approaching others. also, i guess looking better will be one less reason for others to reject me? it sucks that superficiality is rampant in the gay community, but as my big brother figure said, that's just how the game works. and if we want to play, we have to follow the rules. while i did say that i'm not planning on getting into a relationship, i also think that i would like to expand my social circle a little by meeting more people, maybe even dating casually...or more. should remind myself not to get too invested in people i meet this way. i wouldn't say that i'm super invested in bi guy now, but i know that i'm invested to the point where i will feel a little hurt/bummed if he ghosts me. he hasn't so far, which i'm taking as a good (or at least, not-bad) sign.

mental health-wise, i realize that i've been overexposed to stereotypically attractive gay guys on social media, and that extends to NSFW stuff as well. it's messing with my perception/expectation of what i should look like myself, and what i expect other guys to look like as well. somewhat unfortunately, bi guy fits that stereotype as far as his body goes, which is something i'm extremely impressed by...and perhaps explains my investment in him a little. i think a good way to start is by reducing or even eliminating consumption of NSFW stuff, maybe with certain caveats? like, maybe if bi guy sends me something or wants to do stuff...i don't know. that's something for me to figure out when it happens. i imagine it'll be hard (accidental NSFW pun!), but i think it's going to be better for me in the long run.

on to other more "quality of life"/leisure pursuits, i feel like if work stabilizes, i kind of want to restart twitch streaming. i have 2 big ideas - first is final fantasy, which was my staple (well, only) streamed content in japan. the next is i kind of want to do a handwriting stream. like, i'll have an overhead camera pointing down at a notebook on my desk, and i'll just copy text into the notebook. gives me reason to use my pens and ink, and to practise my japanese/chinese characters! plus, people may be into watching that kind of thing. haven't decided if i want to make it an interactive stream where i'll chat with viewers, or just a silent stream for me to focus on the writing. but that's still some ways away; i'll need to get the overhead camera first! reminder to self: it's apparently called a "document camera" on amazon.

just for the hell of it, let's try to timetable some typical days in 2026. yes, i know i've said that it never helped when my dad got me to do it, but maybe it'll be different now that i'm doing it of my own volition? never try, never know.

typical gym day (work in-office)

6:15 - wake up, simple bodyweight exercises

6:45 - leave the house, walk or cycle

7:15 - reach the gym

8:30 - finish workout, shower

9:00 - reach office, start work

12:00 - lunch

5:30 - end work, walk or cycle home

6:00 - reach home, dinner

7:00 - recreation (streaming, gaming, maybe go for a walk)

10:00 - in bed, preparing to sleep

typical cardio day (work from home)

6:15 - wake up, simple bodyweight exercises

6:45 - cardio (treadmill in the gym, cycle, or swim)

8:30 - reach back home, shower

9:00 - start work

12:00 - lunch

5:30 - end work, early dinner

6:00 - walk around the estate

7:00 - recreation
10:00 - in bed, preparing to sleep

typical saturday

7:15 - wake up, simple bodyweight exercises, shower

8:00 - leave home for alumni gathering

12:00 - leave for tuition

3:15 (may be 5:30 if second class materializes) - tuition ends

evening - swim if there's time, then dinner. or maybe a social thing?

i can tell, just from writing that out, that i will need a whole bunch of discipline and commitment. my goal is to lose 24kg by the end of june, so about 1kg-ish a week. that will put me in the healthy-ish range, as far as weight goes. it's definitely doable, but i also don't want to stress about it too much. one thing i have to consider is that unlike japan, singapore has no seasons. not sure if that influences anything physiologically, but i'm pretty sure it influences the mood/willingness to exercise. also, JET was a brainless job with extremely slack hours. while the hours of my current job are comparable, it is by no means brainless. who knows how work stress will affect things?

last thought. 2026 has all the potential and promise to be a great year. i'm living alone, close to work, doing a job that i like, with nobody tying me down. i really have no excuse not to live my best life! but i know that it may not be as smooth-sailing as i'm imagining. unexpected monkey wrenches, like stress about work KPIs, injuries, and who knows what else are bound to crop up. that's why i think there are 2 attitudes that i want to carry with me throughout this year. (un)coincidentally, they happen to be represented by 2 songs which i've been listening to a lot recently. sorry that i'm not going to transcribe and translate the lyrics this time (too time-consuming, maybe i'll do it as a future project), but i'll just give an overview of each song's theme.

this first song's title translates to "just a little bit", and it's about passing on little kindnesses in everyday life, and looking for happiness in the small things. although it's not expressly stated in the song, japanese culture is all about gratitude. so i think that being grateful is also significant here.

the next song is about leaving the familiar and taking a step into the unknown...quite apt when you consider it's titled "adventure". scary JC friend's influence has been strong enough to get me to go off the beaten path on several occasions, but i think viewing each day as an adventure helps with the whole zest for life thing that she has down, whereas i don't (yet). as a bonus, it might energize me for early-morning gym! don't know if it's a tagline or something, but i've seen a few people (including SRC) use it. having said all that, it just leaves me to say: bring on 2026.

-random thought of the day: Optimistic!-