2 of my beliefs that, upon first glance have nothing to do with each other, have kind of intersected. belief 1 is "don't post stuff that you don't want others to see online", and belief 2 is "if you have the power to change something that's not making you happy, you should change it". the way they intersected is like this: after i posted about ending JET early, i received a suspiciously-timed, too-coincidental message asking about my plans to move back to singapore. considering that i haven't told anyone about this, except a brief mention to scary JC friend, the logical conclusion is that someone whom i would rather not read this blog, is reading this blog. it's not the first instance this has happened to make me suspect this; i got completely unsolicited job-hunting "advice" the same day i blogged about no longer working at the accursed IP firm. i hadn't told anyone either! and i know that someone once opened my letter from the bank "by accident" to obtain my account number. makes me want to just disappear into thin air.

so...the question is, what to do. i could change URLs, but i really like this one. plus, i've been using it for the longest time. i'll figure something out. normally, i wouldn't announce this to keep the element of surprise on my side, but in this case, i felt that i had to acknowledge that someone might have been prying here, which also means that everything i've ever blogged about may not be as secret as i think. maybe i should take action sooner, after all.

-random thought of the day: Not enjoying my time in the big school.-

June/july is my leave-clearing period. because of the way my term and contract works, i get "reset" on 1 august. so that's when my new leave days come in. as of now, i've planned my leave to...leave me (sorry) with 20 days going into my new term. if they give me the full 20 days for my next term, you can bet i'm going to spam all 40 days' leave towards the end. literally 2 months of no work!

this week was slightly better...some problem kids are starting to put in effort. i suspect their teacher(s) may have talked to them while i wasn't around. while it's a welcome development, it's still too early to tell if the change will be permanent. i realized that my goodwill towards the kids has mostly evaporated. while unfortunate, it's a learning experience for both sides.

reminder to myself, tomorrow is a half day for me. would have been a full day off since the school has an off-in-lieu, but i'm going in to record audio for the speech contest. apart from that, i have this friday off too (except for an hour), as well as the last week of july off, and a couple of other days here and there. summer leave too, have to forecast that by this coming wednesday.

now that the end is in sight, i should plan things out in more detail. that will involve making more than a few lists. off the top of my head, i have: food i want to try making; things to sell; things to do; things to buy. seems daunting, but i have all summer, plus however many leave days to do them. organization will be a problem though...need to think of a good way to set it up. i will have to renew my visa for one month, as well as my driver's licence for 2 months. there are also a few posts that i should write, to get my thoughts and priorities in order. one particular post which i'm quite looking forward to writing is the balls one. despite how NSFW it sounds, it's based on the concept of things in your life being balls made of different materials - rubber, wood, or glass. i'll elaborate on that in the post itself.

the updated countdown shows that i have about 190 days left - basically i reduced my stay by 90 days, give or take a bit. i suppose aiming to lose 100 grams a day would put me in a good weight range by the time i'm due to fly back! considering my plans to use up all the remaining food, that may not be very possible, but we'll see.

-random thought of the day: Asked about getting a flat!-

Not getting sidetracked and expressing my arguments/wishes better in japanese are 2 things that i should work on. i think they'll be useful in future. so the big talk happened yesterday, and i found out that some of the "normal-looking" kids are considered disabled. it's nothing serious...think like mild learning disability or social misfit kind of thing. again, not a professional, so i'm sure that there are better terms that i could have used. the annoying thing is that the school doesn't tell me about these things! they want me to go in and teach, without telling me the full backgrounds of the students. personally, i think that students who can't keep up should be placed in a class that's more catered for their needs, but my superintendent tells me that the town is practising integrated classes, to acclimatize these kids to "normal"/mainstream life. makes me wonder who's correct. i'd say both arguments have their merits...perhaps which method to use depends on the individual and their specific circumstances.

the meeting was...ok. i think i got most of my points across, but i'm not sure that the suggested solutions will be effective. i really think that if the town wants a high level of english, they should let me break out the sink or swim style that's famous in singapore. of course, the caveat is that it only works with people with some talent and more importantly, people who actually want to improve. apart from that, we also touched on my interactions with the kids. i think i've been too soft on them, to the point where they don't see me as an authority figure. add another reason to the "why i'd be a sucky teacher" list. see, i thought we had a good thing going from their primary school days, and i'd assumed that it would persist into secondary school. in a sense it did, but some people like to test boundaries, and/or become too familiar. it's my fault for encouraging it to some extent, instead of catching and addressing it early. guess my interactions with more mature students (undergrads) didn't really help in this case. but well.

i've also given myself a way out by telling them that while i plan to stop at the end of this year (brought forward from next march in view of these circumstances), that date could be moved even earlier or pushed later, depending on how things change from now on. there's school in july, summer break in august, then school until december. if i want to leave, i'll give 2 months' notice as a courtesy. so...if i plan to bring my departure date forward by a month to end-november (when my visa ends), i'll have to tell them by end-september. actually, depending on the amount of leave that they give me when we discuss it next month, i may be able to stop working in october and get paid until leaving in december. although to be fair to them, i will strongly suggest that they pro-rate my leave. whether they actually do so or not is a different story.

a part of me wants to do something drastic. like, give the kids the "whether you pass or fail, i get paid the same" talk, or lose my temper at uncooperative kids and REALLY make a scene during class time. while i might/most probably will get away with the former, the latter will be more trouble than it's worth. i guess that i should practice the japanese style of soft power, by involving the teachers, or even sitting in on meet-the-parent sessions. seriously, i want the parent of a sec 3 kid to see that the kid can't even read text from the sec 1 textbook. and that kid's brother in sec 1 right now? can't even read the word "do", as proven by an experiment in class today. i have no words to express how i feel about a kid being unable to read a two-letter word. particularly for this case, i'm not taking responsibility because the kid isn't trying. i just don't want to hear any complaints like "but my teachers refuse to help me!" if that happens, the mountain of evidence will come out. which reminds me - i should start monitoring who submits work a little more closely. might help my case.

-random thought of the day: Adjust the countdown!-

Youtube recently recommended me a channel called "soft white underbelly". based on the name alone, i'm pretty sure you wouldn't have guessed that the channel's content falls under the category of "interviews with people". the interviewees are mostly people with issues or non-mainstream...habits? practices? so there are the usual suspects - people addicted to drugs or other things, sex workers, LGBT people. the oddest one i found was a couple in a master/slave relationship. it's not for me, but they seem to be making it work.

a common theme among the interviewees is that they suffered some sort of childhood trauma. neglectful parents, abuse, bullying, that kind of thing. and it made me wonder - do we spend the rest of our lives trying to fight back, process, or otherwise deal with it? i guess to a certain extent, these experiences shape our values, beliefs, and reactions to things. like in my case, because of teasing and other things by my cousins when we were young, i'm more conscious of how words affect people. so that's why it was quite jarring for me when a kid in the school told me "go back to your country".

for more context, i get along decently with him, and he's known for having a foul mouth. however, there's a line between trolling and racism, and i think that comment crossed it. little does he know that he'll be getting his wish sooner than expected, whether he meant it or not! i will talk to the teachers about it, but after i've arrived at an agreement about my departure date with the board of education. hopefully i can use this as a teaching moment too. the irony is that all the kids recently had to write 人権作文, literally translated to "human rights essays", about the problems in japan and the world. one topic was "discrimination against foreigners". didn't do much good, did it?

one thing that i disagree with is the argument that one of my cousins used to justify the teasing/name-calling. it was "my class does this to another classmate as well, but he accepts it without complaint". if i could go back in time, i'd tell him that just because someone doesn't complain, doesn't mean they don't feel hurt. and even if they are really able to laugh it off, people are different! one person being able to do something doesn't mean everyone in the world can do it. of course, as an adult now looking back on it, i know that it was mostly because we were kids, and kids can be cruel. to be clear, we get along well enough these days. it's water under the bridge now...just something that i can forgive but not forget.

kind of a downer post for a weekend, right? i realize that my thoughts and mood have been on a downward trend. maybe i should focus on the future - i've been thinking of doing a "things to do/get back in singapore" list. preview: new phone, computer, bicycle, glasses, and other things. also, i'm going to return/donate/throw out a lot of my possessions that i don't use and/or have no need for, including books and magazines that a judo elder lent me, as well as most of my judo gear. most of the stuffed toys from the ex, too. not forgetting about half of the pens i have. the goal is to live a...not exactly minimalist life, but more of a life with less excess, if that makes sense. but before that, i should look to selling off/getting rid of whatever i can in japan. the grocery bike is high on that list. conversely, i'm also thinking that i should get some things here to bring back to singapore. a microphone for streaming, maybe? but there are still too many uncertainties up in the air now to make a solid plan. the conversation with the higher-ups has been set for next tuesday, so i should have clearer direction by then.

-random thought of the day: Need to do chores!-

Unexpectedly, i found a common thread linking the two things that i was planning on blogging about, in the form of my horrible suspicious singaporean brain. perhaps i should describe the two things, for context and understanding.

first thing, the guild got robbed. we had all the security measures in place - 2 factor authentication, limited withdrawal permissions, but it still happened. it so happened that the thieves got lucky, and a member of the leadership team fell for the scam. thankfully, the only thing we lost was the money - our house, rare items, etc. are all still there.

the most immediate thought that came to my mind was, 'how could someone fall for that!?' it was just a basic phishing scam, and we've had multiple reminders about them. more than that, the person who fell for the scam isn't technologically-impaired or anything, but something made him go to the suspicious website and enter his login credentials anyway. seems like the weakest link in security is really the human element. my unfiltered initial response would have been, "how were you so stupid to fall for that scam!?" but it wouldn't have been productive. so, i decided to focus on the problem rather than the causes and the person responsible.

like i mentioned earlier, i don't see how someone intelligent could fall for such a stupid scam. so, a thought that's been popping up in the back of my mind is, what if this was an inside job? like, there were no hackers, and he transferred the money to one of his characters that nobody knows about. but then, i also know that he has the guild's best interests at heart, and he's been actively contributing to it. so, i guess it's just that people, no matter how smart, aren't perfect and can make mistakes. even stupid mistakes! at the end of the day, we only lost money, and not even real-life money either. i'm not happy that the thieves got an easy payday and i hope that they get banned and the money is returned to us, but we're counting our blessings that nothing more valuable was compromised.

second thing, my supervisor and a couple of colleagues extended a dinner invitation to me when i came back from the school earlier today. the dinner itself is set for next monday, though. i don't think it's a coincidence, especially since i told my supervisor about my desire to bring my end date forward yesterday. it seems to me like they're trying to do a rescue job, to get me to stay as long as possible. this is backed up by the fact that aside from office-wide parties, i have never received such invites from them. again, that's the cynical side of me speaking. considering i look asian and speak passable japanese, it's quite possible that they forget i'm a foreigner in day-to-day life. or maybe this made them realize that they haven't really been engaging with me on a social level. anyway, it isn't going to change my mind. the longest i'll consider staying is until year-end, which means i'll effectively stop work in october or november to clear leave. leaving any earlier would be a bonus.

did you see how in both instances above, my default was to assume the worst? in my experience, singaporeans generally tend to be suspicious and think poorly of other people. or maybe it's just me? i don't know...i think some amount of suspicion is good for self-preservation; being too trusting makes one gullible. at the same time, doubting everything and watching your back constantly isn't healthy either. i guess the key is to be more discerning about where to place your (my) trust. that's something i've been trying to do in this small town.

dinner aside, i'm also due for a conversation with my superintendent sometime this or next week. my main points are (1) kids don't seem to give a damn; (2) nothing i do is working; (3) i'm losing time that's better spent elsewhere; (4) my motivation is low. i don't know whether i want to name specific kids...on one hand, it would lend my case strength. on the other, it's like singling them out. ah who am i kidding, the higher-ups probably have an idea anyway. we'll see how that conversation goes. i expect that my latest end time will be november or december, but i'd really be surprised if they let me go in july. either way, it's good for me to be prepared.

-random thought of the day: My maple syrup got mouldy!-

Additional thoughts relating to yesterday's post: going back at the end of my visa would actually be more convenient. no need to renew it this year. that's in november, and it also means that i will have to renew my driver's license, which expires a little more than a month before (on my birthday). unless i go back before my birthday?

i will admit, i have some reservations about going back to singapore as well. i won't have as much privacy as i do now, that's for sure. also, the weather will be horrible to get used to again, and it's likely that my dust allergy will trigger once i'm back. not to mention the thought of trying to date in singapore. i suppose that last one won't matter if i don't date, but who knows how things (including my stand on the matter) will change? the (gay) singaporean emphasis on physical attributes makes me worry. then again, i suppose my perception is skewed, because the people who are willing to flaunt what they have, generally have more flaunt-able things. and seeing that on various platforms kind of makes us perceive that high standard as "average", even though the actual average is probably lower.

have to admit, i'm actually feeling nervous. it's natural when on the precipice of a huge change, i know. doesn't help it though. but i should take comfort in the fact that i've done basically everything i want to do in japan, including getting JLPT N2, experiencing the life here, and recovering from the bad experience at the accursed IP firm. that last one's still kind of a question mark, but i'll know in my next job.

a key question i should be asking myself, as always, is "will i regret staying or leaving more?" my answer has been "leaving" for the longest time, but recently, i've found myself answering "staying" on more than one occasion. again, it's the balance of easy/slack life, japan experience, vs. low job satisfaction, opportunity cost. there are other factors on both sides, but i only wrote the main ones down for brevity. the negatives are becoming heavier, so to speak, and the balance looks like it's going to tip, if it hasn't done so already.

well, it seems like the way forward is clear(er). i'll talk to my supervisor tomorrow. i'd originally wanted to talk to him today, but he looked busy. plus, i had to be home a little earlier for some game stuff today. i'm coincidentally scheduled to be at the bigger school tomorrow, so however the day goes there might affect my emotional state and/or argument. at any rate, the plan is to get my end date moved up. how far, is up to fate/circumstances.

-random thought of the day: Maybe I won't need the winter clothes again, after all.-

Decisions made in the spur of the moment (or in the heat of the moment - do they mean the same thing?) are rarely the right/best ones. just a reminder for myself as i talk about recent thoughts.

before i do that though, i want to start on a good note and put on record the kindness i received from a colleague last week. i had previously voiced out that i was having some negative feelings about the bigger secondary school, and he invited me to his place for dinner and to talk about it, maybe to prevent me from sinking deeper into negativity as well. i taught his daughter in the primary school last year too, so there was another level of familiarity. she's primary 6 this year, so i don't get to see her regularly (or at all, actually) now. i had a great time! it was reassuring to know that she's doing well in school, and i got to see a side of her that i didn't know about before - she plays the cello! she even played a couple of pieces for us to end off the night. i'm not a music judge, but for what it's worth, i think she played well.

over the past 2 or 3 weeks, i've been feeling more and more like me being here is a waste of time. my time, that is. there are a couple of reasons, the most prominent one being that the standard of english isn't improving despite me being here for over 2 years. this will lead into my thesis of why japan's level of english will never improve, so i don't want to go into too much detail there. i actually even have a clickbait-y tagline - "native english speakers will never want for work in japan - X reasons why". the essence of it is, i don't think that i am making a difference. and so, i'd rather do something more productive with my time to advance my own standing/position in life.

and it wouldn't be so bad if the kids were trying but unable to improve. in that case, i would do serious reflection on my teaching methods. but at least in the bigger school, most of the kids aren't putting in the effort. english is the most difficult subject for japanese people by far, so if they really want to get better, they need to put in more effort than for their other subjects. but i have people not paying attention in class, people doing their own thing, that kind of stuff. of course, i do have kids who do pay attention, and they are usually great. also, it would be wrong for me to assume that everyone in japan wants to become fluent in english. just last week, i had a sec 3 kid tell the english teacher "i'm japanese, i don't need english". maybe it's my type A side and/or frustration coming through, but i really wanted to reply "english doesn't need you either". lucky i held my tongue!

considering all that, i really think that i should revise my projected end date. end-march 2024 no longer seems achievable. in deciding a new end-date, i should remember to think outside the box. i COULD technically leave anytime, provided i'm prepared to be selfish and not care about the kids or what the town will think of me. honestly, it's getting easier at this point, also because i know the kids in the smaller school (who are great, attitude-wise) are in good hands with their english teacher. my first thought is bringing it forward all the way to the end of this july (ie. 8-ish more weeks), which is the standard end-time for JETs. the plus here is that the town will be able to get another JET from the current intake, and the transition will be smoother. not to mention that the kids won't go without a JET. the minus is that i'll really have to rush everything, selling whatever i need to, maybe at a reduced price.

a second alternative is december this year. it will give me more time to settle all the logistics and fulfill my work obligations at a more reasonable pace, while still letting me leave earlier. plus, i can earn 5? 6? more months' worth of salary. the downside here is that the town will have to go for 2 terms without a JET. it's not really a negative for me personally, but i do want to end things well with the town, and not inconvenience them excessively. surviving for 6+ months seems way more doable instead of the 10 months that i'm slated for now. i'll probably talk to my supervisor to get his opinion, and see if he has any alternative thoughts. i suspect he will ask me to stick to the previous agreement, but i won't assume until we actually have that conversation...probably tomorrow.

i will feel bad about leaving the kids halfway, but much less so than if i was considering this half a year ago. that's initially why i agreed to extend to the end of this school year, because i expected things to continue the way they were. how would i have known that things would change so much in such a short time? it's a reminder of the unpredictability of human interactions, and also another reminder to myself to prioritize myself because who knows how people will change? i regret starting the birthday letter thing this april...i should have done it a year earlier, or not at all. the plan if i really leave early is to write the letters in advance, and ask the form teachers to give them out on the actual birthdays.

like i said earlier, it's a bad idea to make snap decisions, especially since i don't have solid plans laid out just yet. perhaps it's time i put some thought towards that area, especially regarding living arrangements.

-random thought of the day: Look for win-wins.-

Put away my winter clothes, finally. i guess i was delaying it due to denial that summer was on its way. next step, change the sheets to the cool touch ones. but that will probably happen in a couple of weeks, or even next month. as i was putting them away, i started thinking about what to do with them when i'm preparing to leave. i'll obviously have no need for them in singapore, because fleece would be overkill even on the coldest night. i think i'll probably sell them second-hand, or at least try to. not sure how in demand clothes will be on the second-hand market, but the worst case is i pack the stuff i like, and find some way to donate or dispose of the rest. i realize that there are some clothes that i brought from singapore, and have never worn so far in japan. those can go too. just doing a quick mental inventory, i think that i'll bring less stuff back than i brought here. the JLPT books, for instance, will either be sold or left for my successor. part of me wants to bring the futon and/or huge blanket back, but the logistics of packing will be a headache, not to mention i have no idea where i'll put them in singapore. i'll give more thought to it as we get closer to the end date.

expanding on this thought about clothes, i realize that i spent more than necessary on clothes in the past 2+ years. a lot of it was from buying the wrong size (i get worried and play safe by buying a size bigger). negative impact on my self-perception from thinking that i need a bigger size aside, they actually don't fit well. like for a few pairs of shorts i bought, i actually have to tighten the strings all the way so that they don't fall off. will probably try to sell those off too, or maybe reserve them for home use. i also realized that uniqlo sells stuff for cheaper in japan than in singapore. it's not just the exchange rate's influence; the actual numerical price is lower. we're looking at the singapore price being about 1.5 times that of japan. i'll probably do a final round of clothes shopping here before going back.

remember that pen order i did a while back? fedex sent me a separate bill of 2600 yen for customs tax/GST. funny how i've never had to pay that in singapore, although i do have a vague memory of that rule changing some time ago. it will make me think twice about ordering from overseas retailers again, both in japan and in singapore in the future. the only reason i ordered with this US company is because they carried colours/models that weren't available in japan at all. well...it's annoying, but at least i got the stuff in decent time, and with no complications.

my thoughts have been oscillating between a future in singapore, and still trying to make it elsewhere. clearly, i still have some reservations about going back to singapore. i'm kind of thinking about doing something chemical-related in japan, but i've got hang-ups about that too. well, i figure what i can do is to give myself more options, so i'm going to send my resume to a couple of recruitment firms. if something comes out of that, great. if not, i can at least say that i tried, and move forward with no regrets. although if you ask me, i suspect that the visa requirement might do me in here as well. but who knows? maybe it'll be better since i'm already in the country.

looking around the house, i realize that i have a lot of cleaning up and rubbish disposal to do. it's not urgent yet, but i can foresee that i'll need several days to finish the job. i'll probably think about that in more detail next february. going by my current leave-taking trend, i'll have about 30, 35 days of leave at the start of the year...assuming the office doesn't pro-rate my leave. if i take 3 days off per week, i'll need about 10 weeks to clear everything, meaning that i'll need to start taking leave in....late january. i think it's good, since i'll be stressing about cleaning, packing, and all the stuff that comes with uprooting myself. but i still have a few months to go before that.

-random thought of the day: Excited for my sandwich!-