Tradition dictates that it's time for my year-end post. it doesn't quite feel like 31 december...more like a regular weekend. except that it's thursday. the nice NUS president declared today a holiday for the school. didn't really think much about it as an undergrad, since it's already semester break anyway, but now that i have (very flexible) office hours to abide by, it makes a difference.
some years, i really have to rack my brains over the theme. this year, not so much. the theme of "second chances" came to me quite easily. and i suppose it's rather obvious. second chances were present in two of the most significant events in my life this year, namely (1) changing labs, and (2) getting with the date. i was somehow lucky enough to have these opportunities drop into my lap (ok not exactly, i fought for the lab change), so i should remind myself not to screw up and waste an extra-life, so called. though at the point of writing this, i think that things with the date might have bombed. i'll elaborate later.
for all intents and purposes, 2015 has been a good year. there's been progress in practically all aspects of my life, and i'm grateful (1) that there's been progress in the first place, and (2) to the people who've made such progress possible. i'm particularly happy that i've begun to work out again. still a far cry from my army fitness, when my best 2.4km timing was 11:20. nevertheless, it's a step in the right direction. something about how the speed doesn't matter as long as there's movement in the correct direction, right? guess so. research is slow, but i'm confident that something will break through soon. like i mentioned last post, i've still got a few more tricks up my sleeve. so, i'm not too worried just yet, though i expect that the pressure will only increase from here on in.
now that i'm in my late 20s, i've also started to think a little bit more for the future. this year was when i started to set aside money for savings/investments. hopefully my friend/advisor comes through for me. i'm still spending within my means, which is good.really, i consider myself blessed in that i don't really face serious money problems. in fact, i managed to buy myself a few luxuries (in particular, plane tickets to japan + associated expenditure while over there), and still come out of everything more or less neutral. that's good. shows that i'm spending within my means.
similar to last year, judo is still suffering. and based on the developments this past year, things won't improve until 2017 at the earliest. i'd be going-on 29 by then. well, the plan is simply to do what i can, and wait. nothing is forever, and i hope that people who are willing to work with us, and with whom we're willing to work, will come into the picture soon. otherwise, in a very extreme scenario, i may have to either give up judo, or seek greener pastures elsewhere. but ultimately, judo is just a hobby/pastime, not my livelihood. this year has shown me that i should prioritize it accordingly as such. even more so when my efforts go unappreciated. sure, i get do it for the sport, but there's such a thing as "job" satisfaction and "career" advancement. granted that it's not a real job, that's why the quotation marks are there. but we'll see. i guess this is how some people go from wanting to give their all, to just going for the bare minimum. well...like i said, prioritize accordingly.
to sum it up, i think my goal of making 2015 a year of net happiness worked out reasonably well. i think i'm a better person right now than this-time-last-year me, so that's another plus. with luck, i'll continue this upward trend into 2016.
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with the year-end post more or less done, i'll go on to elaborate about what happened with the date today. it's actually a very small thing on the surface, but with much deeper implications. but first, some background information. when we met on tuesday, the date told me that they had bought me even more clothes. while i was appreciative that they thought of me, i did state that i found it rather unnecessary and that i thought that they might be spending too much money on me. we then both agreed, no more clothes purchases for me until june (remember this, it's an important detail). i'm not about to restrict what the date buys for personal use, since i have no right to. it's their money, spending it on themself is perfectly fine.
fast-forward to today, the date told me that the shipment came, and the size was wrong. fair enough, nothing i can do about that. then the date tells me that they ordered EVEN MORE clothes for me! first issue: they knowingly went back on their word. and i, of course, refused to accept this new shipment. they then said that they had the right to choose not to spend new year's eve with me, just like i had the right to refuse the gift. i thought they were joking at first, but apparently not so. we had a rather heated text exchange, because they refused to pick up their phone. in the end, i went down from their place to vivocity, where we talked/argued, and i sent them back with no clear resolution yet. small point of reassurance is that we held hands in the car, so things aren't ALL horrible.
i have several issues with what went down tonight. but first of all, i'll sidetrack to say wow! i finally experienced the INFP trait of sticking to my principles. you see, a common characteristic of INFP types is that they (we) have some values which are almost sacred to us. of course what exactly these values are are unique to each individual, and for me, the two values that were tested today were keeping a promise, and not being "forced" to accept goodwill. the first one is pretty straightforward, i think, but the second one might need a little explaining. from my personal experience, i've learnt the meaning of "you can bring a horse to water, but you can't force it to drink". that's tied to "the road to hell is paved with good intentions". if you remember, the legal threat issue on a post here (which has since been taken down) was also due to this type of thing. so...my personal view is that if someone does or gets something for me WITHOUT ME ASKING, i have the right to refuse whatever was done. best case is i accept it, worst case is i don't. and i don't expect any hard feelings from anyone. on the other hand, if i asked for something and got angry after i got it, the giver has every right to slap me, and i would willingly get slapped, too.
back to the main topic: my issues with the whole thing. firstly, we agreed, no clothes for me in the near future. and yet, the date knowingly went against our agreement (first value compromised). as you can see, this is an unsolicited gift (and one which we've specifically agreed not to get), which means that according to my philosophy, acceptance or refusal is at my discretion. and not having the need for so many more sets of clothes, i refused. the date really really didn't take it well. and throughout our conversation, through messages and face-to-face, they were just so...immature! this is after they chided me for immaturity a couple of weeks ado, mind you. it was rather frustrating, and had it been anyone else at all, i wouldn't have bothered. the thing that really ticked me off about their reaction is that they themself acknowledged that they were being unreasonable (after i drew the parallels), yet they refused to back down, and expected me to give way instead. for most things, i would. but not this. it's kind of like how they are against surprise visits, or inconveniencing other people. what's worse is, they said "let's see if sticking to your principles is worth it" (or something to that effect). this implies to me that they think my principles can be bent, twisted, even broken, but theirs are untouchable and set in stone. that's rubbish. assuming no moral or legal ambiguity, there is no set of beliefs that is above another. if my principles can be bent, so can theirs. and if i used this episode as justification for future instances, the unhappiness would only build.
another thing that really pissed me off as that they were being sarcastic, saying that i'd won the argument. my objective isn't to win! it's never been to win. although i know that reason and logic is on my side this time round, all i want is for the date to see the double standards that are being applied here, acknowledge it, maybe apologize, and move on. it baffles me that despite how straightforward the comparison is, the date doesn't (want to) see it. and don't say it's an education thing. it's just logical stepwise thinking. if your version of A applies to me, my version of A applies to you too. if you react badly when i do something that makes you angry, i will likewise react badly when you poke my trigger spot, right? also, don't tell me that the date doesn't understand and decided to do things their way. there are several of the date's quirks which i don't understand either, but i respect whatever they might be, and don't do things that would set them off. in the event i do do something, it's because i either didn't know, or forgot. if the date sets me off unknowingly, i'd understand and explain it to them once, maybe twice. but this? it was done in full knowledge that i didn't agree. the whole thing is so idiotic, you know? like there's a warning sign: dog will bite when disturbed. someone purposely kicks the dog, gets bitten, and wants the dog to be put down.
let me just add a disclaimer: like during the episode with my JC best friend and his girlfriend, i've said that relationships should ideally be 50-50 give and take. for me personally, i'm willing to give in for a lot of things. i'd say that i'm giving in about 75% of the time? just not for this matter, unfortunately. in fact, to be really mercenary, i'd say that i'm on the losing end overall. driving up down left right, getting cancelled on (only twice), basically me suiting the date's whims more than them suiting mine. that's how observers can see who's more desperate for the relationship, i guess. look for the party on the losing end. BUT, i'm not keeping score. i'm doing all this willingly, because i believe that we can work stuff out between us, and create a good relationship. so i'm not blaming the date for anything, except maybe for being so stubborn today.
rounding it up, i think this is our worst argument so far in dating - take 2. even then, it's not a deal-breaker to me. i will stick to my guns on this issue. my compromise has been that since we agreed no more purchases until june, i'll only take the shipment in june. the date wasn't willing to accept even that. i don't know...but if there's someone who raises the topic of us no longer seeing each other, it won't be me. right now, i'm...65% sure we can work this through. if the date insists on being stubborn, then there's not much i can do, is there? but well. my plan right now is to attempt normal conversation tomorrow, and see how things go from there. it's such a stupid thing to have a major argument over, seriously. how did all this even happen? well...let's see what tomorrow brings.
some years, i really have to rack my brains over the theme. this year, not so much. the theme of "second chances" came to me quite easily. and i suppose it's rather obvious. second chances were present in two of the most significant events in my life this year, namely (1) changing labs, and (2) getting with the date. i was somehow lucky enough to have these opportunities drop into my lap (ok not exactly, i fought for the lab change), so i should remind myself not to screw up and waste an extra-life, so called. though at the point of writing this, i think that things with the date might have bombed. i'll elaborate later.
for all intents and purposes, 2015 has been a good year. there's been progress in practically all aspects of my life, and i'm grateful (1) that there's been progress in the first place, and (2) to the people who've made such progress possible. i'm particularly happy that i've begun to work out again. still a far cry from my army fitness, when my best 2.4km timing was 11:20. nevertheless, it's a step in the right direction. something about how the speed doesn't matter as long as there's movement in the correct direction, right? guess so. research is slow, but i'm confident that something will break through soon. like i mentioned last post, i've still got a few more tricks up my sleeve. so, i'm not too worried just yet, though i expect that the pressure will only increase from here on in.
now that i'm in my late 20s, i've also started to think a little bit more for the future. this year was when i started to set aside money for savings/investments. hopefully my friend/advisor comes through for me. i'm still spending within my means, which is good.really, i consider myself blessed in that i don't really face serious money problems. in fact, i managed to buy myself a few luxuries (in particular, plane tickets to japan + associated expenditure while over there), and still come out of everything more or less neutral. that's good. shows that i'm spending within my means.
similar to last year, judo is still suffering. and based on the developments this past year, things won't improve until 2017 at the earliest. i'd be going-on 29 by then. well, the plan is simply to do what i can, and wait. nothing is forever, and i hope that people who are willing to work with us, and with whom we're willing to work, will come into the picture soon. otherwise, in a very extreme scenario, i may have to either give up judo, or seek greener pastures elsewhere. but ultimately, judo is just a hobby/pastime, not my livelihood. this year has shown me that i should prioritize it accordingly as such. even more so when my efforts go unappreciated. sure, i get do it for the sport, but there's such a thing as "job" satisfaction and "career" advancement. granted that it's not a real job, that's why the quotation marks are there. but we'll see. i guess this is how some people go from wanting to give their all, to just going for the bare minimum. well...like i said, prioritize accordingly.
to sum it up, i think my goal of making 2015 a year of net happiness worked out reasonably well. i think i'm a better person right now than this-time-last-year me, so that's another plus. with luck, i'll continue this upward trend into 2016.
----------
with the year-end post more or less done, i'll go on to elaborate about what happened with the date today. it's actually a very small thing on the surface, but with much deeper implications. but first, some background information. when we met on tuesday, the date told me that they had bought me even more clothes. while i was appreciative that they thought of me, i did state that i found it rather unnecessary and that i thought that they might be spending too much money on me. we then both agreed, no more clothes purchases for me until june (remember this, it's an important detail). i'm not about to restrict what the date buys for personal use, since i have no right to. it's their money, spending it on themself is perfectly fine.
fast-forward to today, the date told me that the shipment came, and the size was wrong. fair enough, nothing i can do about that. then the date tells me that they ordered EVEN MORE clothes for me! first issue: they knowingly went back on their word. and i, of course, refused to accept this new shipment. they then said that they had the right to choose not to spend new year's eve with me, just like i had the right to refuse the gift. i thought they were joking at first, but apparently not so. we had a rather heated text exchange, because they refused to pick up their phone. in the end, i went down from their place to vivocity, where we talked/argued, and i sent them back with no clear resolution yet. small point of reassurance is that we held hands in the car, so things aren't ALL horrible.
i have several issues with what went down tonight. but first of all, i'll sidetrack to say wow! i finally experienced the INFP trait of sticking to my principles. you see, a common characteristic of INFP types is that they (we) have some values which are almost sacred to us. of course what exactly these values are are unique to each individual, and for me, the two values that were tested today were keeping a promise, and not being "forced" to accept goodwill. the first one is pretty straightforward, i think, but the second one might need a little explaining. from my personal experience, i've learnt the meaning of "you can bring a horse to water, but you can't force it to drink". that's tied to "the road to hell is paved with good intentions". if you remember, the legal threat issue on a post here (which has since been taken down) was also due to this type of thing. so...my personal view is that if someone does or gets something for me WITHOUT ME ASKING, i have the right to refuse whatever was done. best case is i accept it, worst case is i don't. and i don't expect any hard feelings from anyone. on the other hand, if i asked for something and got angry after i got it, the giver has every right to slap me, and i would willingly get slapped, too.
back to the main topic: my issues with the whole thing. firstly, we agreed, no clothes for me in the near future. and yet, the date knowingly went against our agreement (first value compromised). as you can see, this is an unsolicited gift (and one which we've specifically agreed not to get), which means that according to my philosophy, acceptance or refusal is at my discretion. and not having the need for so many more sets of clothes, i refused. the date really really didn't take it well. and throughout our conversation, through messages and face-to-face, they were just so...immature! this is after they chided me for immaturity a couple of weeks ado, mind you. it was rather frustrating, and had it been anyone else at all, i wouldn't have bothered. the thing that really ticked me off about their reaction is that they themself acknowledged that they were being unreasonable (after i drew the parallels), yet they refused to back down, and expected me to give way instead. for most things, i would. but not this. it's kind of like how they are against surprise visits, or inconveniencing other people. what's worse is, they said "let's see if sticking to your principles is worth it" (or something to that effect). this implies to me that they think my principles can be bent, twisted, even broken, but theirs are untouchable and set in stone. that's rubbish. assuming no moral or legal ambiguity, there is no set of beliefs that is above another. if my principles can be bent, so can theirs. and if i used this episode as justification for future instances, the unhappiness would only build.
another thing that really pissed me off as that they were being sarcastic, saying that i'd won the argument. my objective isn't to win! it's never been to win. although i know that reason and logic is on my side this time round, all i want is for the date to see the double standards that are being applied here, acknowledge it, maybe apologize, and move on. it baffles me that despite how straightforward the comparison is, the date doesn't (want to) see it. and don't say it's an education thing. it's just logical stepwise thinking. if your version of A applies to me, my version of A applies to you too. if you react badly when i do something that makes you angry, i will likewise react badly when you poke my trigger spot, right? also, don't tell me that the date doesn't understand and decided to do things their way. there are several of the date's quirks which i don't understand either, but i respect whatever they might be, and don't do things that would set them off. in the event i do do something, it's because i either didn't know, or forgot. if the date sets me off unknowingly, i'd understand and explain it to them once, maybe twice. but this? it was done in full knowledge that i didn't agree. the whole thing is so idiotic, you know? like there's a warning sign: dog will bite when disturbed. someone purposely kicks the dog, gets bitten, and wants the dog to be put down.
let me just add a disclaimer: like during the episode with my JC best friend and his girlfriend, i've said that relationships should ideally be 50-50 give and take. for me personally, i'm willing to give in for a lot of things. i'd say that i'm giving in about 75% of the time? just not for this matter, unfortunately. in fact, to be really mercenary, i'd say that i'm on the losing end overall. driving up down left right, getting cancelled on (only twice), basically me suiting the date's whims more than them suiting mine. that's how observers can see who's more desperate for the relationship, i guess. look for the party on the losing end. BUT, i'm not keeping score. i'm doing all this willingly, because i believe that we can work stuff out between us, and create a good relationship. so i'm not blaming the date for anything, except maybe for being so stubborn today.
rounding it up, i think this is our worst argument so far in dating - take 2. even then, it's not a deal-breaker to me. i will stick to my guns on this issue. my compromise has been that since we agreed no more purchases until june, i'll only take the shipment in june. the date wasn't willing to accept even that. i don't know...but if there's someone who raises the topic of us no longer seeing each other, it won't be me. right now, i'm...65% sure we can work this through. if the date insists on being stubborn, then there's not much i can do, is there? but well. my plan right now is to attempt normal conversation tomorrow, and see how things go from there. it's such a stupid thing to have a major argument over, seriously. how did all this even happen? well...let's see what tomorrow brings.
-random thought of the day: Haven't had my Starbucks Christmas drink this year. Wonder if it's still available?-
