Last night was inexplicably rough. i fell asleep early (before midnight), but woke up at about 4:00am feeling dehydrated, and with an odd craving for a sweet drink. yes, i know it's not good to drink sweet stuff while dehydrated, because sugar further removes water. it was also odd because i don't drink sweet drinks as a rule, and prefer water, anyway. i had a packet of green tea and another lychee drink before going back to sleep. there were 2 weird dreams, one involving my professor scolding me for posing for photographs with confidential material in my hands (it's never happened in real life, by the way), and the second where a guild member, a judo junior, and i were in the cat high building. i know from conversations that this guild member is in an IT-related field, but in the dream, he was telling me about how he's just got his teaching qualifications. dreams don't make sense, i guess.

today is day 3 of CNY, and it's also the replacement holiday for yesterday (sunday) being a public holiday. as expected, i didn't do much over CNY. passed on the usual visiting, and had ice cream with an in-game friend. she brought me to this place called ice cream frenzy, which is run by an old man. he's got an interesting story - teacher in ITE before he retired and started his ice cream place 11 years ago. since business was slow that day (being day 1 of CNY and all), he sat down to have a chat with us. i found him to be a little showoff-y? like, he was saying how his ice cream flavours were unique, how he used the freshest ingredients, how he customized 2 flavours for the CEO of a huge ramen chain, among other things. to be fair, nothing he said sounded false. i guess the reason he was able to speak with such conviction is because he's passionate about ice cream. he was also saying that singaporeans generally aren't adventurous enough to try some of his more unique flavours. my interest in the place was actually because the friend i went with posted a photo showing a flavour of ice cream called "triple cheese". i asked to try a sample, and while the sweet-salty contrast was nice, it didn't live up to my expectation. knowing that mozzarella was one of the ingredients, i was hoping for something a little more elastic/stretchy, you know, the way mozzarella is on pizza. in the end, i went for wasabi chocolate, which is one of the flavours that were made for the ramen CEO (who unfortunately didn't take up the deal to have them in his restaurants). the wasabi went well with the chocolate, much to my surprise. it provided a mild heat, as wasabi does, which made for a more interesting experience. my feedback to him was that the wasabi could be stronger. makes me wonder if i could get chocolate ice cream and mix in powdered wasabi myself? we also tried the second flavour, teriyaki caramel, which had bits of seaweed stirred through the ice cream. while it won't be one of my favourite flavours, it's definitely not something that i'd avoid...unlike that horrendous nasi lemak sundae that swensens had as a limited-time special some years ago. i suggested miso being a possible ice cream flavour, and he seemed willing to give it a go.

as for the meeting itself, it was ok. i would actually call us more acquaintances than friends, but she seemed nice enough online. she was pretty easy to talk to in real life, although she was telling me of some of the drama in her guild...like who's dating who, which friends fell out for various reasons, how someone is a bad influence...you know, the usual stuff that gossip is made of. i suddenly became grateful that i'm not a member of that guild (i'm just friends with the leader and a few other members), and that (to my knowledge) such drama doesn't exist in my current guild. i think it has to do with the demographic/population. their guild is made up mostly of teens and people under 30 years old. in my guild, the average age is probably late 20s if not early 30s. older people are more mature, i guess? yes, it's a generalization, but as the word "generalization" implies, it's generally true. i realize that i'm getting too old for drama, and i understand why my own guild leader isn't afraid to burn bridges. sometimes, cutting off the dead weight is just easier.

2020 really isn't going well so far. in addition to all the stuff i listed a few posts back, there's the whole wuhan coronavirus thing, and news just came in this morning that kobe bryant, his daughter, and several others were killed in a helicopter crash. i don't follow basketball at all, but he was one of the few famous basketballers i can name reliably. others being magic johnson, michael jordan, shaq, jeremy lin, lebron james. as you may have guessed, i don't know enough about him to really mourn his loss, but it seems like his death is being widely felt across the world. from reading the wikipedia article about him, it seems that he had his life on track. made tons of money in the NBA, and made that money grow after his retirement. it's a reminder, i suppose, that death may come for anyone at any time.

my friend shared a post on facebook yesterday, about how this person posted to an anti-LGBT group, attempting to say that all the disasters of 2020 so far were "god's wrath for LGBT activities". while it's funny to me (mainly because i have a brain and know how to use it), it's also worrying, because there will be people who pick this up and go with it! they won't listen to reason, either, and will probably invent convoluted explanations to justify this belief. example:

1: these crises are god's wrath for LGBT activity!
2: why do they affect straight people as well?
1: because we didn't do enough to eradicate LGBT activity from the face of the earth!
2: why are some of the more pro-LGBT countries (the UK, parts of europe) less/not affected?
1: god wants to give them a chance to repent and join the fight against LGBT!

it's a purely made-up exchange, but you get the idea. the thing that really amused me was that other people in the anti-LGBT group tried to talk some sense into him, saying that LGBT people were most likely not to blame this time round. let me repeat that for emphasis: people who are against LGBTs actually spoke up in defense of LGBTs in the face of this person's rambling. you know it's bad when even the extremists think you're extreme. but yes, this is why i don't believe in religion. there's so much room for interpretation, and sometimes manipulation. another way of saying it is that there's no accountability. without getting too philosophical, i once read an argument that the christian god could not be both omnipotent and benevolent. it goes something like, "if god is omnipotent, he can end all suffering. since suffering still exists, god is either unwilling or unable to end it. if he is unwilling, he is not benevolent. if he's unable, he's not omnipotent". i know that the usual response is that suffering is part of "god's greater plan", but it feels like a cop-out to me. again, i'm not trying to start religious war or hurt anyone's feelings. people are free to believe what they want, as i am free to not believe in those things, and not be forced to believe in them, either. i don't think i should be punished if factual statements hurt peoples' feelings. although, as someone with scientific training, i'll objectively say that there hasn't been concrete evidence to prove or disprove the existence of (a) god(s). such a study would be pointless, anyway.

some final fantasy updates - i've moved house! there are 4 housing districts in-game, each with a different theme - japanese/oriental, forest, oasis, nautical/seaside. i moved from my small house in the oriental district to the seaside district, only because a medium-sized house was available there. it was somewhat of an impulse buy, but thankfully i have enough money to see it through. been spending most of my time decorating; the outside's about 90% done, while the inside's at about 5%. the biggest benefit of having a larger house is that more furnishings can be placed over a larger area. my small house had a zen garden and a regular garden, both of which got expanded. i also added a deck, for outdoor tea parties, and a bench from which to watch the sunset. still have a bit of empty space, where i currently plan to put plant sculptures, but we'll see. for the inside, the area is bigger, and i have an additional second floor. not entirely sure what to do with all the extra space, but i've got a basic layout planned. thank goodness there's no time limit, save a self-imposed one.

back in the real world, my friend cancelled the chemistry guys' gathering due to the whole virus thing. can't blame him, as he was thinking of his kids' health and safety. besides, there'll be time for us to meet up again. it's just a matter of sooner or later. ironic that i say this as i was just blogging about unexpected death a few paragraphs up, but yes. scary JC friend just invited me to her boyfriend's place - i guess they're having a small get-together for CNY. dinner with the old boys is still on on thursday, and...that's it for social engagements in january, i think. another month and a bit to JET results, which means that i should seriously start looking into getting rid of excess stuff, like books and manga that i don't read any more, and some other things which i no longer have use for. i'll also start enquiring into storage space rental, for the stuff that i don't anticipate being able to bring over. shouldn't need that much space, maybe just enough for 3 or 4 of my favoured large toyogo boxes. depending on how the prices are, i may decide to call in favours for friends and/or relatives to hold them. and the car, too. it's almost due for servicing, but i think there might not be any point if i have to deregister it before june. we'll see.

-random thought of the day: Need to get out more.-

Nothing much has happened since the last post, which is kind of expected. still having weird dreams, and i've got no idea what they mean/signify. none of them have been bad, exactly, but i somehow feel that having these dreams mean that i don't get enough quality sleep. in fact, i don't really recall when my last night of dreamless sleep was. probably while i was still working and didn't have excess energy to dream.

day 1 of CNY is on saturday, ie. 4 days away. as you'd expect, the usual wayang has begun - endless cleaning, packing, tidying. it's not my business, so i don't really care either way, except that for some reason, my toiletries were "tidied" by someone who doesn't even use them. like, why move my toothbrush and other stuff, especially when (1) nobody else uses them, and (2) they're already in a cabinet and hidden from view? such idiocy. again, i have very low opinions of people who do things blindly/without thought. it's for the best that i'm resolved to move out.

on the topic of CNY, i was reading some facebook comments on how it's toxic, with the asian habit of comparing...everything, from house sizes to kids' achievements and income. oddly enough, although i was exposed to it too from a pretty young age, my memories of CNY are generally positive. i do remember hearing about how one cousin topped his class in raffles, how another cousin was studying to be a doctor, how much money so-and-so makes, how filial this cousin is to his parents, etc. thankfully, i seem to have tuned most of it out. i say this because going for a phd was never about showing the other cousins up, the motivating factors were always personal interest and (self-perceived) aptitude in the field. anyway, i can see why some people dread going visiting and all that. me, personally? i find it tedious to go through the entire process of catching up with most of the extended family over those 1 or 2 days, only to not be in contact with them for the remaining 360+ days of the year. the plan for this CNY is to go about it like any normal weekend. if i'd thought a bit ahead (and was still making money), i might have considered taking a short overseas trip. but well, too late for that now.

some final fantasy updates - things with lawyer guy are now much lighter and more casual, now that i've kind of tuned my own expectations to be more in line with reality. N is playing as well now, although he's on a different server. we can still party up, which is nice. somehow, i got roped in by an acquaintance to join a raiding team. it's been generally good, except for one member who i think is not putting enough effort into it. like, she'll be chatting in the middle of battle, can't remember the mechanics despite having cleared the fight multiple times, and still gets things wrong despite us doing callouts over voice chat. i don't think that i'm elitist, but i expect more from a player who's had multiple clears, and who is a battle mentor, to boot! i even tried to ask how else we could help, but there was no answer. it's tolerable for now, because we're well-geared and can recover from a few mistakes in the fight. but i'm not sure how it'll go for the next tier, which should be released in the first quarter of this year. my plan is to leave the team if the situation doesn't improve by this week. after all, it's easier to do something that you're in control of, rather than trying to get other people to change.

forecast for the foreseeable future: CNY gatherings with some of the chemistry guys, as well as the cat high old boys. not with my cousin this year because he and his family are overseas. i should plan to visit them when they're back. guild outing next week. driving duty 3 saturdays later. another final fantasy community gathering in late-february. JET result in march. nice to have things to look forward to.

-random thought of the day: Some people are better off further apart.-

Forgot to mention in the last post that when i sent my cousin-in-law to the airport, she gave me a big bag of vegetables. it's because she'd be away for 3 weeks, and she was afraid that they'd go bad. last i remember, my cousin isn't the type to cook for himself, so i guess she thought they might be better off with me. i got carrots, a quarter of a beetroot, 2 heads of broccoli, some asparagus, a tomato, an ear of corn, and a butternut squash. i put the carrots into my boiled cabbage, and made a blender soup out of the rest of the ingredients. kind of regretting what i did with the carrots, as they make the cabbage taste super sweet. well, now i know. think i might want to look into using corn in soup more, i realize that i quite like the taste. there's still a zucchini in the fridge which i'm not quite sure what to do with. definitely can't use it in a wet application (boiling/steaming, etc), so maybe i'll saute it or something. i wonder if they're good raw?

just had the JET interview earlier today. not my best-ever performance, but certainly not my worst. i'd give myself 68/100. i could have done the japanese language part better, and i could have better shown how my own personal experience (eg. scientific research) would tie in to the context of teaching in japan. on the bright side, i didn't offend anyone or say anything wrong, i think i did a decent job expressing myself, and i got a few laughs out of them, which i think helps the impression. like with the tuition kids, i find that it's easier to get along if i can make the other party laugh, or even just smile. i was asked about my lazy eye, which i thought was interesting. well, it's nothing to be ashamed of, and i don't mind getting honest questions about it. in a rare flash of genius, i turned that to my advantage by sharing how it actually gave me a wider field of vision, which is true. the most positive sign i saw was that towards the end of the interview, all 4 interviewers were nodding among themselves. i may have also heard a muttered "大丈夫です" as i left the room, but i don't want to give myself too much hope. so, it's back to the waiting game again. results will be announced in march, and the earliest i can be flown to japan is in april. so, we're looking at a minimum of 3 months more in singapore. i figure that i should do some decluttering and cleaning, and just make better use of my time in general. important decisions, like what to do with the car, can be finalized later, after i'm confirmed to be going.

-random thought of the day: Feeling oddly tired.-

Dinner with N and talking to my cousin-in-law have both given me something to think about. maybe some background information/context is needed. N and i caught up over ramen on sunday, and he was telling me that he was stressed at work. thankfully, it's only temporary, and it should pass after he finishes his current project. on the personal side, he's planning to propose to his girlfriend (who i haven't met yet), and along with the proposal comes plans to get a house and all the usual married stuff. i'll come back to that later. i'm happy for him, because it appears that he's happy. the girlfriend seems to be really private/introverted, but not so much so as to raise a red flag. and as long as they make each other happy, i guess it's whatever works.

my cousin-in-law and baby niece had to fly to indonesia yesterday, where they'd stop over for a day before flying again to join my cousin in paris. i think he's there for work or something. i sent them to the airport, and we were chatting as she was getting ready to leave. she told me that they were concerned for me, and asked why i didn't visit more often. i appreciated the thought, and think i should take her up on that. more social interaction is good. i notice that my mood gets lifted even when going outside for something as mundane as grocery shopping. my niece is talking and walking already! i'm not sure that she fully knows the meaning of words that she says, or if she's just repeating sounds that she hears. at any rate, i'm sure she'll grow up fine. i must say, i'm really impressed by my cousin-in-law. she seems to have really taken to motherhood! of course, given the limited amount of time i spend in her presence, i don't have the full picture. i'm sure that she has off days too, though i hope that there aren't that many of them.

so, the thing that i got to thinking about was that people my age are doing so much better than me in life. financially, i mean. it makes me feel like i'm really behind. the worst part is, there's not much i can do about it without sacrificing some happiness. on the other hand, i'd like to believe that i'm exactly where i'm supposed to be in life. remember i said N was looking to get a house? and you know my cousin has a daughter. the thing that these situations have in common is that neither of them can stop working due to their liabilities/dependents. had i been inclined to start a family, i'd probably be seriously panicking, given my current financial situation. but since i don't want kids, i can survive on a lower income and not have to worry too much about not working for a stretch. so...pros and cons, i suppose.

got another health assessment done for the JET thing. the doctor gave me a clean bill of health, based on what the questionnaire asked. another common logical failing is inaccurate extrapolation. that would be, for example, saying that i'm perfectly healthy based on this rather superficial assessment. while i seriously hope that it isn't the case, there could be something wrong with me somewhere that wasn't part of the examination. anyway, that's the paperwork done, in time for the interview in a couple of days. have to read my statement of purpose a few more times and think of potential questions that they could ask.

-random thought of the day: Groceries!-

We're just about halfway into the first month of the new year, and there has already been big news. worldwide, the iran/america thing is worrying, to say the least. not going to talk about it in detail, except to say that i am amazed at how stupid people can be as a collective. it makes no sense to me how someone like trump ever made it to the presidency. and even if i looked past everything he did before he got elected, what he's been doing during his presidency just undermines the dignity of the office. closer to home, the political situation is better, but nothing that i feel that i can be proud of, either. i wonder if there exists any country with a government that's actually popular with the people? at this point, i'd guess that the best chance of finding such a country is among the nordic countries. of course, this could be wrong, because i don't know enough of the political situation in that part of the world to make my guess an educated one.

personally, i've also received some big news - that i've been shortlisted for the JET interview! it's a step forward, but it still doesn't guarantee anything. i have no idea how many people applied, how many people got shortlisted, or how many people they're going to accept in the end, so there's nothing useful i can do in that regard. my friends who've attended the interview (and got selected) gave me some advice about what to expect for the interview, so i've got to do some preparation. there's about a week from now till then, so i figure it'll be ok.

as part of the procedure, i had to fill out yet another health form/checklist, this one being more detailed than the last. it required a chest x-ray, which i went to get done at punggol polyclinic. the whole process was really efficient...under 90 minutes from when i parked to when i drove back out of the carpark, and that included an hour's wait time for the film to be developed! the x-ray tech was friendly and kind of cute too, so that was a plus. unfortunately, there was an hour's waiting time for the film to be developed. so, i took a walk around the complex in which the polyclinic is housed. it's pretty much a shopping mall that's got an above-average number of education centres. i was mildly surprised, and kind of saddened, to see centres catering to early education, like infant care/pre-nursery. it just reaffirmed my decision to never have kids.

over this past week, i've been having a disagreement with the planning office for tuition. after the 3 last-minute cover classes last week, they tried to get me to cover the same 3 classes again, i told them it wouldn't do the students justice, especially for the classes doing bio. my proposal was that i'd take 2 of the 3 classes, one doing a bio topic which i'd covered before, and another doing general science, while another teacher takes the one bio class that's doing new material. they kept insisting that i cover all 3 classes, and after days of back and forth, they got my mentor involved. thankfully, she spoke up for me after hearing my perspective. the one thing i don't like is that the planning office will draw lines to try and get their way. like "by right, your maximum workload can be up to 3 classes a day". worse is, they can use the same breath to then suggest that i do lesson preparation on days where i'm not working (and for which they're not paying me). if i'd wanted to draw strict lines like this, i could also tell them "by right, my working hours are on sunday, until 6:00pm. i don't have to stay late to finish my marking to ensure students get their worksheets back in a timely manner, or use my personal time to prep for class."...but that creates lose-lose situations all around. well, this scenario has only happened twice in the 14-ish months i've been working there. ideally, it wouldn't happen at all, but i guess they they're facing pressure to allocate resources too.

this past week, i decided to give giant another chance and get my fish from there. it was because NTUC raised the price of salmon, and they've been sold out by the time i went down on my last few trips. turns out giant was out of salmon too, so i got my another of my favourite fish, batang/spanish mackerel. this trip confirmed for me, that unless NTUC raises their fish prices to exorbitant levels, i'll do my shopping there over giant. you see, the staff at the NTUC fish counter will do basic cleaning of the fish before cutting it up to your request. things like removing the gills, guts, draining most of the blood, standard stuff. i told the guy at giant to cut my fish up into 5 pieces, and that's literally all he did. i had to remove the guts and coagulated blood myself back home, but that was fairly easy. still inconvenient, though. also, the way they cut the fish up is different. NTUC does it better, i think. and they descale the fish more thoroughly too. long story short, NTUC over giant, especially now that i know that the punggol branch brings in whole salmon too. plus, there's free lunchtime parking there!

guess i should call it a day here. there's class tomorrow and i should be well-rested. N wants to have dinner tomorrow, so we'll probably be eating near novena. i think it'd be nice to see him again, especially since i don't think we met up at all in 2019.

-random thought of the day: Nervous, but excited!-

Since it's not good to keep negativity bottled up, i think i better get it out of my head.

one thing upset me for two reasons. the thing in question is that some people from the guild went for the raid that i've been practising, and cleared it. first of all, i am not upset that they cleared it. however, i'm upset that they didn't ask me along. granted, they don't owe it to me, but they know i've been practising it, and the person who they cleared it for has even come along when i requested practice.

the next reason is that lawyer guy helped her clear it using his main class. in contrast to when the leader told our party to attempt to clear it, where he was using a sub class, and died unnecessarily multiple times. it's frustrating, to know that he wasn't playing his best when helping me, but did so for others. i know that i shouldn't expect any special treatment from him...but there's a break in logic somewhere in that train of thought. plus, after he very artfully friendzoned me on new year's day, i notice that he hasn't been as...forthcoming? for full disclosure, i didn't confess or anything, and i still don't know his orientation for sure, though it seems that he's most likely straight. what happened was that i just sent him a new year's message, to which he replied.

anyway, i find my attraction for him diminishing. it's through no fault of his, just that you know, when the feeling isn't reciprocated, there's no point forcing it. he's still very eligible, and anyone would be lucky to have him. i worry that the strong feelings will turn negative, and ultimately cause friction in the guild. but i figure that as long as i have a decent handle on my emotions, and think very carefully before sending any form of communication, it should be fine.

it occurred to me (again) that the main cause of unhappiness is unmet expectations. it can happen for a multitude of reasons, and in a multitude of different ways. like people not acting as you'd expect them to, the outcome of something being different from what was envisioned, even you not being able to do something that you thought you could. in all these cases, and in all cases in general, i suppose that the cause isn't as important as how the issue is dealt with. for now, i don't know how to deal with it. like i've said before, it seems stupid to care so much about something in a virtual world, that doesn't yield any tangible benefits. but looking beyond the game, it's about conflict management/resolution, interpersonal relations, how to express yourself without appearing immature...vital skills that carry over into the real world. i kind of want to talk to the leader or someone else i trust, but at the same time, i think it might come across as whiny/entitled. that's why my interim measure is to just blog about it, to get it off my mind for the time being until i'm in a better state of mind to figure out what to do.

-random thought of the day: Why is it affecting me so much?-

Oh, wow...first working day of the year today, and it was not good. i've still got a line of tension running across my shoulders as i type this. let me just vent a little.

work itself was horrifying. the planning office gave me 3 last-minute cover classes with less than 24 hours' notice. don't get me wrong, i'm not complaining that they gave me classes. i'm slated to teach on sundays, after all. problem here is, the regular teacher didn't leave me any instructions, meaning that i had to scramble and find out what to teach. as luck would have it, it was different for each class. classic murphy's law. i didn't mind 2 of them so much, because one was a general revision, while another was introduction to science (the scientific method, hypothesis formulation, experimental design, etc.). the third one, however, was a biology class involving the human circulatory system - heart function, blood, all of that stuff. for the record, the last time i touched that was probably in sec 2. i was 14 then, and i'm 31 going on 32 now. it is literally more than half a lifetime ago. but still, i managed to somehow smoke my way through and teach the content...albeit not well. makes me think i should have asked to get bio totally removed from my teaching profile before re-signing the contract.

still, if that was the only bad thing that happened today, i would be in a better mood. the worse thing happened on the drive home, where a driver merging onto the PIE didn't give way and came full speed onto the expressway, nearly colliding with my car. on my part, i laid on the horn and had to move onto the chevron markers to avoid him. the thing that really made me angry was that he didn't even slow down! i almost went worldbreaker hulk there, although given my current physical state, i'd probably struggle with breaking a miniature globe, never mind the world. i subsequently managed to drive up alongside him and flip him off, which helped my mood a little. and to think the traffic police worries so much about minor speeding when idiots like this pose such a greater threat to everyone's safety. i've said it before, if you have a deathwish, don't get me implicated, and don't let your death cause any inconvenience.

it doesn't look like it, but i do remember my new year's goal to be less harsh and judgmental. quite apt that i was teaching the kids about the scientific method, because a part of it is to draw conclusions based on observations. while you can draw any number of conclusions, there are some that are bound to be better/more logical than others. also, in the contect of today's incidents, i can choose to believe the best or the worst. example: my colleague could have taken seriously ill, or had a last-minute emergency that left her unable to give me instructions. alternatively, my colleague is lazy/faking it, the planning office is incompetent...you get the idea. i'm struggling to find a good reason for the driver though, because he didn't even slow down at the merge. of course, the simple fact is that people do make mistakes, people do get careless, and some people are idiots who aren't worth the oxygen that they breathe. well...let's look on the bright side. apart from a spike in blood pressure and heart rate, i'm none the worse for wear. there's no damage to the car. i'm blogging in the comfort of my room, and will be (hopefully) clearing a raid later. there are things to be happy about, if you look in the right places. and hopefully, they'll be enough to diminish the negative thoughts.

-random thought of the day: Just focus on the positives.-

Thinking back, 2019 was a bit of a waste of time. it feels like i could have compressed the entire year's significant events into 6 months. even then, i'd still have to spend time to deal with the depressive episode, a process which like love (as a phil collins' song will tell you), cannot be rushed. but that's enough of looking at the past.

i have 2 main goals this year. i'm avoiding the word "resolution" as far as possible, because those never seem to go well for me. the first goal is to end up in japan. whether it's via JET or private company. if you ask me now, i'd much prefer JET because it's more recognized, and supposedly pays the most among similar teaching gigs. hopefully i get word in january, and things just flow from there. i do have at least 2 backup plans involving other organizations, but let's hope that i don't have to put those into action.

my second goal has to do with health and fitness. i have to live more healthily, in terms of both intake and output. i'm finding the meal prep thing to be feasible, and having a diet comprising mainly of fish and vegetables isn't all that bad. luckily i grew up eating lots of fish! have to resist the temptation from chocolate and other unhealthy stuff...which is not easy when they're placed within easy reach. yet another reason to move out. for the output, i have to have a more solid workout plan. considering my current level of fitness, i'm not about to pull out all the stops and exercise until i die. the plan here is to focus mainly on light/moderate cardio and bodyweight exercises which will be supplemented by gym workouts, until i'm fit enough to swap the focuses around. for starters, i plan on walking every day. current daily target is 5km, which translates to 12500 steps, assuming a 40cm step length. i think it might help if i walked at the same time every day, to build up a habit. the idea right now is to walk in the mornings, start the day right and all that. plus, mornings are when the game is generally less active, so i don't miss much. as a kind of sub-goal to living healthily, i'm going to be in bed no later than 12:30am, with the eventual goal of bringing that forward by half an hour. yes, i know that that may still be considered late by some standards, but it's do things gradually. i doubt i'd be able to fall asleep in a short time if i went to bed at say, 9:00pm.

while those are the main things i want to work on this year, there are other minor goals, like adopting a less harsh/critical mindset, both with myself and with others. it doesn't mean that i won't hold anyone accountable for issues that arise. instead, it means that i will be less quick to judge and lose my temper, and also that i will find out if there are any mitigating factors present. an important thing i have to remember is to avoid looking for shortcomings in people, and worse, comparing myself (unhealthily) to them. i realize that when presented with another person's achievements that i have yet to attain, i will default into looking for some flaw to make myself feel better. it's a really toxic thought pattern that isn't productive at all. i'll have to train myself out of it, and that starts by squashing that train of thought when it emerges. also have to remember that life is not always a competition. everyone does things in their own unique way, and everyone has different priorities, which is perfectly fine.

considering that this is the start of a new decade, i figure that there's no better time to make decisive change. if i have my way, 2020 will shape up to be a much better year than 2019...though it won't be difficult to do better than 2019, what with the various things that went not-ideally then. but you know the old saying, right? what doesn't kill you probably will on the second attempt only makes you stronger. one thing we should all remember is that there is no shame in asking for help, and that help will be available if you ask the right people. the video below is pretty amazing, and i strongly recommend watching it. and with that, let's go into 2020!

-random thought of the day: Things will work out in the end.-