Never thought i'd be one to suffer from mood swings. worst thing is, they're due to the stupidest thing - research! seems like there's barely any link, but let me explain. here's how things go down, in a somewhat flowchart form. i'm happy if do a literature search, and can find nice easy reactions with chemicals that i know that we have in lab. next step, actually locating those chemicals. we're in the midst of reshuffling, so things are a little messy. like tonight, i spent an hour hunting for a bottle of potassium t-butoxide, even going to the chemical store and our other lab. took me about an hour, with no luck. i was so engrossed in looking for the damned thing that i missed my phone ringing, and as a result, accidentally stood my friend up. what makes it worse is that he came down to NUS after work and waited over an hour for me. then, my senior spotted the bottle at the balance right next to my fume hood. how moronic is that!? so that delayed me by a fair bit. more elaboration later. back to the flowchart thing. locating all the chemicals and doing the reaction. i get super annoyed when it doesn't work out as planned, even though the plan looks sound from every angle. so as you can see, there are many many opportunities for table-flipping. and this is just substrate synthesis. not even the actual reaction, which SHOULD go smoother, since i already have somewhat of an example. but right now, my main objective is to synthesize the compound. one thing i have to be grateful about is that another scifinder search led me to stumble on the exact structure of the compound i was looking for. don't know why it didn't turn up in previous searches. so this new route is a convergent synthesis, which should give higher overall yield. the horrible thing is that according to the literature, the very first step of one branch only yields 39% desired product. but well. i just need like 10mmol overall to try a few reactions. considering that i've thrown in 50mmol and 20mmol for each respective branch, i'm optimistic. expanding the substrate scope might be troublesome though...but we'll cross that bridge at the appropriate time.

one more piece of news that crosses my mind now. i'm signing up for JLPT! test date should be this december, and i'm going for N2. the statistics aren't helping me in making my decision. so far, i know 3 people who have taken the exam. 2 are from japanese 5, and the third is a friend of a friend. i can't use the last one as reference, because it seems that she speaks japanese every day in her office. definitely not a fair comparison. as for my 2 classmates, i know one passed (he posted his results slip on facebook), and i suspect the other one failed. both of their advice is the same...read up for kanji. the one who passed said that surviving NUS japanese 5 means that N2 should be manageable, particularly for the listening component. definitely have to study though...i don't feel all that confident of passing right now. research might make it difficult, but then again, i don't have finals this semester, and the JLPT is like...3 months away. i can probably make something work in that time. i actually emailed last semester's japanese lecturer to borrow the N2 textbook. she said that while i could borrow it, it was for the lecturers' use, and that if required, i'd have to return it on demand. too troublesome. so i guess i'll be going down to kinokuniya maybe this sunday to check things out.

part of the registration process involves sending in 2 passport photos. you know what that means...time to do something which i really dislike. and in a sense, the timing works, because i need a haircut. so i guess i'll get my hair cut either tomorrow or this weekend, then find somewhere to take passport photos, then register online on monday, and send the the photos in by mail during the week. seems like i'll make the deadline with no problems.

some time ago, like a couple of years, i participated in this NUS allergy study (and got a $10 co-op voucher for participating). during that test, i found out that i'm allergic to dust mites. not sure if that's why i've been itching like mad recently. that, and i've got a lot of mosquito bites. the nights are cooler than say, a month ago, and i'm really grateful for that. might mean that mosquitoes breed more. i don't know. whatever it is, my legs feel almost as bad as during the whole sandfly episode in JC. well...just as long as it's not chemical-induced, i'm sure it'll be fine. gets annoying, though, especially when it keeps me awake.

am i forgetting anything? probably not. oh right. remember that i took an hour to hunt for that damned chemical? that means i started the reaction late. that, in turn, means that i'll have to go to school early tomorrow for the next step. the original idea was to reach by 2:00am, but upon more thought, i think i'll just wake up at 5:00am and reach by 6:00am. i trust 4 more hours shouldn't affect my reactions to that great a degree, especially since i have enough dry ice to keep them cold, and they're done at low-temperature anyway. just hope at least one of them succeeds.

-random thought of the day: Look into getting a pen holster.-

Empathy. the first time i heard that word was in sec 1, when it was the name of my cousin's class. at that time, i didn't know what it meant, and to me, it was more or less interchangeable with "sympathy". a few hundred (thousand?) english lessons later, and i've discovered the difference. to explain it simply, sympathy is "i feel bad for you". empathy is "i know how you feel". for me, if i can't empathize with someone's situation, i find it hard to sympathize with them. case in point: mental illness. there are two factors involved here. firstly, although i have some eccentricities, i don't have serious mental illness, like depression or schizophrenia, so it's hard for me to imagine what it's like. i've heard of stuff like people hearing voices, or just not having the energy or motivation to get out of bed. ok, i admit i've felt the latter one before, but that was from physical fatigue. not having the experience makes it hard to empathize. like if someone told me that they had say, a fever or food poisoning, i know exactly how sucky that can feel, since i've suffered from it before. therefore, i have a good idea of what they're going through. secondly, army's turned me into somewhat of a sceptic as far as mental illness is concerned. i find it hard to believe that someone can be perfectly normal outside of camp, and even within the bunk, but turn into a wreck in front of the MO. or maybe that's the what the mental illness is, and it acts up in time of stress. but from what i know, i don't think it can be turned on and off like that.

anyway, even if it's not real to me, it's real enough to some other people. i mean, chao keng is one thing, but for someone to commit suicide probably means that he isn't messing around. while i hope i never fall victim to such a severe case of mental illness, a part of me actually wonders what it would be like to experience it, just for maybe an hour (a day sounds a little too long for my liking here). i guess the long story short version of what i'm trying to say is that i'd like to be more sensitive to people who are fighting their own invisible battles.

with email, facebook and whatsapp as the primary means of communication nowadays, it's rare for me to receive anything in the mail that isn't a bill or a bank statement. despite being pretty tech-savvy, i must admit that there's something i quite like about receiving something physical in the mail. the last time that happened was...many years back, when some of my friends wrote christmas cards back to me. of course, i've done my fair share of online purchases, which inevitably results in something being delivered to my doorstep. but that doesn't count, since i know it's coming. even then, it's quite fun to follow the tracking page. have to admit, i'm quite a tracking stalker. and my most recent tracking stalking experience was this past week, when i was looking at a couple of shipments from amazon via borderlinx. i got myself a couple of fountain pens, one bottle of very deep blue ink, one bottle of invisible ink, and a UV light to visualize that ink. prices were a little steep, considering that i used a package-forwarding service, but i figure that if i'm paying about the same price for borderlinx as compared to direct shipping from amazon, i might as well choose the slightly faster alternative, right? so yes. that's my form of retail therapy these days. kind of sad, right? but well. it's my money, and i'm spending well within my means. while on the topic of old vs. new, i realize that i like hand-writing stuff. gives a more personal touch, i think. maybe i'll resume sending christmas cards out this year?

also this past week, i've been reminded of the importance of timely communication with my professor. after trying like 10 solvent combinations, 5 halogen sources, and 7 catalyst variants, the ee for my reaction is still a big whopping zero. so we've decided to do some substrate modification, then try the reaction with the new thing instead. the synthesis route i devised is easy, pretty standard textbook reactions. a year 2 undergrad who aims to specialize in organic chem should be able to think of it, or at least something similar. and although it looks great on paper, the actual reaction is not going so smoothly. i've spent the past week trying to get the first step to work. it's not that complex; just enolate generation and nucleophilic substitution. the theory aspect is solid. practical aspect...not so much. hopefully this works out, because it's the simplest, shortest, and most straightforward synthesis route. i do have a couple of backup routes, but they're all like about 2-3 steps longer. there's only one other problem i can think of, and that's one reagent (LDA) being in bad condition. so i'm going to try and generate my own LDA, and try the reaction with that. if that fails...let's not think about that just yet.

don't know if i've been more short-tempered recently, or if the moron drivers on the roads are multiplying. i think i've sounded my horn at, and/or high-beamed someone 4 out of 5 days this past week, most of which were for drivers not signalling when filtering in directly front of me. and there's one particular thing that REALLY pisses me off, and that is drivers trying to cut queue. picture this. there's a T-junction made by braddell and bishan roads. braddell road is the horizontal part, bishan road is the vertical part. there are 3 lanes on bishan road, all right-turning (the left-turning part splits off a bit earlier). the rightmost lane of the right-turning lanes eventually leads to lornie road, which i take to go to school. so like the nice citizen that i am, i'll wait in the right lane at the traffic light at the intersection, so that i can turn right, keep right and go up on lornie road without any fuss. now the thing is, some smart driver will think of cutting the queue. they'll wait in the middle lane, then try to filter right after the turn. i get SO SO mad when that happens. what makes their time more valuable than anyone else's!? i usually don't give way (especially if they don't signal), and even speed up to cut them off sometimes. granted, i'm driving a 1.6L car, so i'm not always successful. makes my day when i do succeed, though. in the event i don't make it, i normally try to speed up until i'm beside them later (the road widens out a bit) and flip them off. don't know (and don't really care) if they can see me, but it makes me feel better. a similar thing happens on holland road towards farrer road as i'm coming back from school. maybe i should tune my schedule even more, so that i drive when the roads are even emptier. less cars means less chance of meeting a moron driver.

you know, i've been SO, SO tempted to carry some chemical that i can spray on such moron drivers' cars. something that'll make the cars smell, or something that will eat through the paint, or something that will stain and never wash off. i already have ideas in my head for chemicals that will fulfill each of those roles. see? it's a bad idea to piss a chemist off.

on the judo front, nothing's new. i'm still suspended. went down to watch the adidas all comers competition today. for some reason, my first impression was "all corners" instead. anyway. the competition overran. like REALLY overran. four hours kind of overran. don't know what went wrong, since i wasn't there for the majority of the day. but based on what i saw, there was really no atmosphere of importance at the competition. as much as i am reluctant/embarrassed to say this next thing, it felt almost kampong-like. even national schools felt like a bigger event, and this thing is international, mind you. don't know if it's poor planning or what, but somehow, i was actually thankful not to be refereeing for this particular competition. then again, that might just be the sour grapes. i don't know. singapore did ok-ishly; got a few medals. wasn't really paying attention, though, as i was focused more on the referees. they've still got some way to go, i think. and after some thought and discussion, i've come up with an action plan. since i'm being hung in limbo regarding my referee status, i figure i'm more or less on a lifetime ban anyway. so if the situation doesn't improve by national schools next year, i'm thinking of rocking the boat quite a bit. the impact might actually mean that i can't referee in singapore any more. but then again, who says refereeing is only confined to singapore?

don't get me wrong, i strongly believe in "actions have consequences", as my sec 2 maths teacher taught us. but in this case, the magnitude of the consequence is way way disproportionate to the action. if they had given me a clear timeframe, like 3 months or 3 events, i'd have accepted it quietly and not made a fuss (unless even that was unreasonable). it's the not knowing that's bugging the hell out of me. and another thing is, i'll definitely raise hell if they consider me as inactive during this period and revoke my referee license (there's an annual quota of seminars and events to attend...i think i'm good for this year). i mean, if they don't let me referee, then turn around and say that i haven't been refereeing and should be penalized for that, that's just unreasonable. but i still have some faith that they are reasonable people. hope i won't be proven wrong.

-random thought of the day: Going to the airport at 6:00am!-

Don't you love unexpected surprises? for once, i don't really mean it sarcastically. granted, we had a(n unpleasant) surprise, but here's what happened. uncharacteristically, i was in school at 8:50am this morning. i had to attend a TA discussion session at 10:00am, so i'd thought that i'd go in a little earlier and do some stuff, like check on my reactions, add some more dry ice...that sort of routine work. at about 9:10am, my professor whatsapped to say that there would be an unscheduled (aka. surprise) inspection in other lab. i rushed over, and was only like 2 minutes ahead of the inspection team. to my immense relief, one of the new grad students was in lab early, and he had helped to tidy up. after a bit more straightening up, we managed to tank most of the questions, and i think any findings will be minor. at least i hope that they'll be minor. on a tangent, the nice lecturer brought cupcakes as a treat for us, so that's something else to be happy/grateful about. maybe he felt guilty holding the meeting so early?

now, it's really not often that i am in school this early. given my normal working hours, there would have been no way i would have made it to school in time to fend the safety people off. therefore, i can only conclude that luck/fate/someone/something was really looking out for me today. who/whatever it was, thank you. it's seriously an amazing case of good timing. with any luck, those safety people won't pull similar stunts again.

on the other hand, one of my friend's (friends'?) luck wasn't as good today. well, he's not really a friend. more like an acquaintance. he was in the neighbouring class in JC, and we took chem S-paper together. don't think he remembers me, though. anyway. he's a teacher, and we have a few mutual friends in NIE. so what happened was that he posted something poking fun at his students, something about mcdonald's job application forms. and as luck would have it, the post got picked up by temasek review, and got shared through their facebook. naturally, it attracted all the wrong kinds of publicity. i think he's since taken down the posts, and written a public apology. in his defence though, he didn't release the student's name, and more importantly, the student really did give a ridiculously stupid answer! the question was, "lithium, sodium and potassium are group I elements. what is the name given to these elements?" the answer, by the way, is "alkali metals". i for one, can't believe that the student answered "blood cells". seriously? BLOOD CELLS on the periodic table!?? no matter how i look at it, i can't make the connection. even if it was a guess, how about something smarter? there is like literally zero connection between the question and the answer. the only possible way the answer could remotely have been "blood cells" was if the question read, "where in our body can we find these elements?", which looks significantly different from the original question. even then, i don't think we have lithium in our bodies, but oh well.

to me, the whole thing is a bit overkill. i'm not saying that he's right, though. teachers have to be careful about what they say on public platforms when their students are involved. perhaps this would have been best done as chit-chat in the staff room, or shared in a private whatsapp group, or maybe shown to trustworthy friends over dinner. i think that's one area where being a private tutor wins out over being a teacher...since there is no regulatory body, tutors don't have to watch their words that closely. like, i can probably say that one of my students is a moron and get away with it. and maybe if i were to do something similar, but with the homework that i assigned, the backlash probably wouldn't be as severe. teachers are held up to higher standards, because they're civil servants, and are responsible for nurturing and shaping the students' minds and all that stuff. so on that end, perhaps he was a bit insensitive.

although if i were the student and my teacher did something like that with my homework, i probably wouldn't mind. after all, my name wasn't disclosed, and it really was quite a funny answer. might also be because i was from a boys' school, and the teachers knew that we could take this kind of jokes. it would blow over after a week at most, and after the class at the soonest. no big deal. but well, times have changed.

i do wonder, though, who tipped the temasek review people off? not sure about that guy's privacy/security settings, but it seems that one of his friends, or maybe friends of friends, saw the post and felt offended somehow. beats me as to why that might be the case, but that's the only logical explanation. wonder if any of my friends would do something similar to me if i did something like that? i really hope not.

being in school for 12 hours is taking its toll. seems like no matter what time i reach school, i'll never leave while the sun is in the sky. so if ending time is independent of starting time, i should just go late right? sounds good to me. have to work up and column a few reactions, plus see if step 1 in my first 100% self-made synthesis route is successful. goodness knows i need that morale boost, after yet another round of reactions with 0% ee.

-random thought of the day: Amazon retail therapy is good for the soul.-

Got an update on the judo situation. based on some email correspondence, it looks like i will be dropped from the national team. i'm actually kind of relieved. since the SJF is focusing on 2 kata, both of which already have their respective specialists, and in none of which i'm specializing. odds of me representing singapore in kata anytime soon are close to zero. so i guess my dropping from the team doesn't really affect things much.

national day (or as i called it this year, saturday) passed without much fanfare on my end. that's largely because i slept in until 12:30pm after spending the previous night/early morning drinking and singing. was quite good stress relief, actually. should do this more often. one of my friends, who plans on converting his phd study to masters, read some of the previous posts and told me to consider it and take action quickly, because the conversion process takes about half a year. i don't know. if i had to give a physical measure, i'd say i'm about 15% for quitting. well, i'll just see how things go until QE, as planned.

the semester has started. thankfully, i only have one module and TA duty, both of which fall on monday. the drug module is kind of interesting. i like the lecturer's teaching style. thankfully, he's a nicer lecturer than he is a supervisor. and despite him having studied and worked for a fair bit of time in the US, his korean accent is still very strong. hopefully this will be a fun experience. as for TA, this will probably be my last semester doing that, since i'll have fulfilled my quota, and my professor doesn't approve of activities which reduce your time for research. i'm taking FST kids this semester, which is a little wasted, i think. i'd much rather be teaching chem majors. but since that's how things fell into place, i guess i'll have to adapt and find examples that tie the experiments to the FST stuff.

received a nice surprise in my email, too. after writing in to the parking people, who then forwarded my email to NUS, the final outcome is that they decided to give me season parking at science this semester. 1 out of 3 semesters isn't too bad, i guess. so i'm basically good to go for this semester. just have to adjust my biological clock a little, and keep more human-like hours.

-random thought of the day: R.I.P. Robin Williams.-

When making a purchase, i normally try to balance price and quality. like, i won't buy something cheap if it's (too) poorly-made. conversely, i don't mind paying a little extra for something that's guaranteed to last. usually, i'm not far off the mark, and end up saving bits here and there. however, there's one item which i feel that i'm losing at both ends, and that's iphone cables. the apple store sells the 1m version for $28, while the mobile kiosk thing at level 4 of J8 sells one for $12 or so, with the option for discount if you buy a few. initially, i thought that the original ones by apple would be of better quality than the third-party ones, but reviews on the apple site shows that that isn't the case. so maybe i chose the least sucky of the alternatives, after all. still, it's not funny. the cables last me a couple of weeks on average. granted that i use them daily, but still! it's too short a time. the original cable lasted for a couple of months, and that was the best cable i had. wonder if apple does this on purpose? make an accessory that needs constant replacing, and price it ridiculously expensively. considering i've seen cables go for as cheap as $3, they must be raking in the money. despite how my previous phones don't match up to the iphone's performance, i've never had a problem with the chargers. and if your phone can't be charged, i suppose it doesn't really matter how advanced it is, right? looks like i have no choice but to pick up a few more cables tomorrow morning, along with my dry-cleaning.

if you can read/understand yesterday's post, good for you! your japanese is somewhat decent. if you can't, the main point (other than me whining a fair bit) is that people shouldn't do things that make them unhappy. let's push the school issue aside for now, since i more or less am fixed on a plan of action there. as you might know, the other issue is judo. it's complicated enough to be further broken down into 2 aspects - national referee, and national athlete. the referee bit is messy due to the macau trip. maybe going wasn't such a good idea after all. though i don't know the specifics, it seems that something big and ugly is headed my way soon. and as for national athlete, i don't know. the requirements are, by my own admission, quite easy to fulfill. three training sessions a week, plus one national training session a month. thing is, national training falls on saturday, and overlaps with group meeting. and i've mentioned my professor's views on missing group meeting before, right? even the 3 sessions a week thing is hard to keep. considering that i have no results to show for in the lab, going off for training doesn't feel right.

let's do some objective assessment/evaluation. maybe that will help put some perspective on things, and lessen this odd cloud of gloom and doom that i've been feeling. i think it's good to start with the usual question: what's the worst that could happen? in order of decreasing severity, let's start with...

ban from judo. likelihood: 0-5%. i believe bans are meted out for REALLY serious things, like say, embezzlement, corruption, match-fixing, or stuff that would result in legal action having to be taken. the way i see it, nothing i did was serious enough to warrant such action, so i think this is more likely just a product of me overthinking.

suspension/delayed promotion (referee). likelihood: 50%. in conversation with someone a while ago, i learnt the word "punitive". the root word is actually "punish", and not "pun" or "puny" like i'd initially guessed. it's an apt word to describe the management style, so i don't think i'm going to get out of this unscathed. this would suck because it might delay or even prevent me from getting continental/international referee qualifications. but well...i'm remaining optimistic here. if all goes well, it'll just be a suspension for a few events, maybe the remainder of the year. actually no. if all goes well, there'd be no action taken. but what are my odds? i just worry that the impression forms, and they "by left" delay my promotion. guess we'll have to wait and see. the most obvious indicator would be if a new B referee gets promoted before me.

revocation of coaching license. likelihood: 0-15%. while i don't see how coaching has anything to do with refereeing or competing, i can't say the same for other people. the most probable reason i can think of is because i'm not a good enough role model for students to follow or something like that. but to me, it's separate enough that it shouldn't even come into the picture. not to mention that most people don't know that i'm a certified coach.

downgrade of carding level/de-carding (national athlete). likelihood: 40-70%. someone told me earlier tonight that going to macau contravenes the athlete's code of conduct, apparently. like seriously? ok. i read through the thing again, and it says that the athlete agrees/is expected to "refrain from participating in any competition that is not under the policy of the NSA and SSC, unless both grant approval". this is kind of open to interpretation. strictly speaking, i DID participate in a competition...but as a referee, not an athlete. since it's the *athlete* agreement and code of conduct, i think the most reasonable interpretation of "participating" would/should be "competing". so i'm not sure if that can be used against me. there is another section there about regular updates that probably applies, so i'm not too sure on that front. but actually, i've been thinking. getting dropped from carding might not be such a bad thing after all. for one, it would relieve the pressure of having to attend compulsory training, monthly attendance submissions etc etc, and it would probably lead to less conflict in the long run. so why am i trying to cling on to it in the first place? it doesn't really give benefits, and i don't really use the benefits that it gives. in fact, to my current knowledge, there are only 2 benefits - (1) free sports medicine consultation, physio, and rehab, all of which which requires going down to mountbatten. (2) some cash ($300) every year. or was it half-year? i won't die without that money. add a couple of zeroes and that'd be a whole different issue. i'd probably quit school and turn professional! but jokes aside, there really isn't much (tangible) benefit to being a carded athlete. of course, getting a chance to represent singapore (and the bragging rights) is not insignificant, but given the current situation, the only way my partner and i can dream of representing singapore in kata is if the top two pairs simultaneously can't make it for a competition. and even then, i don't dare say we can match their level. and you know how this whole national athlete thing clashes with my professor's expectations. so...i don't know. it might be for the better if i was dropped. take it as it comes, i guess.

refereeing penalty. likelihood: 20-30%. examples include refereeing for free for some time, or being skipped in consideration for overseas refereeing opportunities. this is the most win-win outcome, i think. the committee has some tangible/physical method of punishing me, and i get to continue practising as a referee. i wonder what timeframe they consider as acceptable though...half a year? 3 events? or maybe they'll say referee national schools for free. i might actually feel that, since it's for 6 days. but well, i suppose i can't complain if that's all they do to me. best if they confine me to local events for a while. with my lab commitments and school starting, i don't think i'll be travelling anytime soon, anyway.

verbal/written warning. likelihood: 10-15%. while this would be the best (read: least damaging) outcome, it's also the most unlikely realistic outcome to happen. the only way i think this might even remotely happen is if the referee director really sticks his neck out for me, like maybe assure them of my good conduct, or bind me to an agreement that says i'll really be screwed if something of a similar nature happens again. i can't expect him to do that for me though. even though we're friends, our friendship isn't at such a level yet.

all things considered, it doesn't look that bad now that i've laid everything out for analysis. i can probably work with the worst-case scenario (which will not be a ban), and if i can work with that, i can work with the other less severe options. all that remains now is to see when the verdict will come, or if they want me to go down for any sort of hearing. hopefully it gets resolved ASAP. at least that'll be one thing off my mind.

well i'm feeling better. hopefully the past few days of negativity were caused by my male PMS acting up again. i actually feel a bit better now. you know what would help even more? if i got some ee from the most recent round of optimization. but i don't want to set myself up for disappointment. well, after this, there's only one more thing i can think of to change, then i'll have to switch direction if it doesn't work. well... let's see.

-random thought of the day: It's always darkest before the dawn.-

英語でポストを始めるアイディアがないので、日本語で書いてみようと思う。何ヶ月日本語を書いていないので、まだ慣れていない。もう少し書けば、段々慣れるだろう。日本語5を合格したが、よく使わなくて、もっと下手になった。文法はきっと大丈夫だが、言葉をよく忘れてしまった。年末にJLPTを受けたいのに…今から勉強を始めたらいいね?

最近、研究はいい成績がない。実は、前の1年に、いい成績は1つしかない。だから、ストレスレベルが上がっている。教授のせいか、私のせいか、はっきりわからない。2人ともどこか間違いがあるかもしれない。QEの前に記事が出られなければ、合格する率はあまり高くない。考えたら、QEに失敗するのは悪くないことかもしれない。本当な気持ちは、研究に興味がなくなっている。いくらやっても、反応ができないし、教授は「どうしてそんなに遅い?」と言っているし、研究以外他に安全についてこともやらなければならないし…大変だ。自分に幸せにさせないことをしないほうがいいだろう? 結局、人生は短くて、やりたくないことをやらないべきだ。究極の目標は日本に住んでいるね? 博士号が要らない。時々諦めたい、時々頑張ろうと思う。どうすればいい?

-random thought of the day: 日本語でブログするのは本当に難しい。-

Although it happened quite a while ago, i haven't really gotten around to talking about it yet. the "it" in this case refers to the MH17 crash somewhere in europe a couple of weeks back. i'm grateful that nobody i know has been personally affected by the crash, but at the same time, it's given me some food for thought. though i don't know the statistics off the top of my head, i recall reading that air travel is actually the safest form of travel, and that the chance of getting struck by lightning is actually 8 times that of getting into a plane crash...or something like that. i guess it's not that hard to believe, considering that major aviation disasters happen like once every few years. and given the hundreds (thousands?) of flights scheduled every day, the accident rate is actually pretty low. furthermore, accidents involving aircraft are usually more serious than those involving land or sea vehicles. for the latter two, there usually isn't a vertical component to the coordinates. for instance, if someone else's car bumped into mine (touch wood), we'd probably pull over to the side of the road, exchange contact and insurance information, take a few photos, and end up relatively unharmed. even if a car hit a bus, the passengers would only be a metre off the ground at most, making disembarkation easy. not so much for air travel. after all, you can't alight while the plane is in the sky. to even deploy the safety slides and whatnot, the pilot has to land the plane, and depending on the reason, it might be a crash landing, which already poses more risk than stopping a land vehicle. and there's a chance that the landing has to be done in water as well, leading to a whole other set of complications. also, i'm sure it goes without saying that even a minor midair collision between two aircraft is pretty bad, both because of their mass, and because it happened in the air. all things considered, it actually is quite scary, and i'll admit to having a tiny minor bit of doubt on the return flight from macau. but i figure that as long as i choose the carrier wisely, and only fly over peaceful lands, my risk is minimized.

but enough sciency stuff like numbers and statistics. it got me thinking on a different aspect, that tomorrow isn't guaranteed. so there's really not much point to live each day unhappily, right? yet, that's what a fair number of us are doing. that actually ties in to my main point, which is that somehow, i think that research may not be right for me. might be because i haven't been seeing any positive results, or maybe the hours are finally taking their toll...i don't know. long story short, it's getting tiring. is a phd degree really worth selling most of my nights, half my saturdays, and even some sundays? i'm not so sure. nobel prizes in chemistry have been won by non-doctors too (though admittedly, the occurrence is rare). on the other hand, quitting seems so...not good. could be a singaporean thing. and practically, i could use the money. maybe i'll keep trying until QE. if they fail me or drop me to graduating with masters, so be it i guess. that might actually catalyze plan japan! and even if i somehow manage to pass QE and get my degree eventually, i don't think i'll continue with research. it seems so...not worthwhile, like the returns don't justify the investment. but this is coming from unpublished me, so my perspective isn't exactly neutral. well...i'll leave this one to fate. have to admit though, something deep down is telling me to just quit and go to japan.

let me just pause for a bit and sidetrack. though i don't say it much in person, i really am grateful for my friends. just this thursday, we had a rather last-minute guild house dinner, and somehow, i came under interrogation for a bit. it still feels kind of weird to talk about this kind of quite personal stuff, but i'm trying. although it seems like i'm reluctant to disclose stuff, i really don't mind talking about it. just that it's a bit hard to force the answers out of my mouth. i'm both slightly relieved/amused and slightly terrified that one of my friends was perceptive enough to pick up on my odd/weird inability to lie in japanese. could be bad for my health if other people got to know about it. but i trust these guys. i think i may have to let one more guy know about this personal thing on our guild house trip this coming friday, then everyone on that group of friends that i think needs to know will know. wow that was a messy sentence. and of course, i'm not mentioning that personal thing here. sorry. maybe in a few years, but not now.

seems like i'm starting my posts too late, and to make it worse, i get horribly distracted while blogging. it's like 1:30am now, and i should really be going to bed. the new grad students will officially start tomorrow, so i've got to do a mini lab orientation in the late morning/early afternoon. and my season parking ballot failed again. third consecutive semester. i've written in already, hope that they can make an exception or something. oh. i'll most likely be taking drugs next semester. and by "drugs" i mean the module on drug discovery. the other choices all look so bleh. i've heard that it's quite intensive, but hopefully i'll be able to manage as it's the only module i'm taking this sem, and my last module overall.

-random thought of the day: Not looking forward to Wednesday.-