Guess who's not doing anything this CNY? i haven't for the past few years, and i like it better this way. no wayang spring cleaning, no need to see relatives with whom i don't have any contact for the rest of the year, and i get to spend the day relaxing at home. L and his dad are out for visiting, but i think we have dinner plans later.

however, that's not to say i didn't celebrate at all. had reunion dinner at my aunt's place yesterday, where i spent 5 hours with my older cousin's kids. way too long, if you ask me. also i don't know why exactly, but they come across as...rude? no, not exactly. i don't know how to describe it..."spoiled" might be the closest i can think of at the moment. hopefully they grow up soon; i think i might relate to them better as teenagers. also during the dinner, my aunt was counting how old some of the relatives in the extended family are. my oldest uncle is over 80! the oldest of his kids (my cousins) should be around 60, while his grandchildren (my nephews/nieces) are in their mid- to late-twenties. kind of odd to be closer in age to the generation below, but i guess that's how it is when my grandparents had 5 kids.

on to other news, i'm set to go to japan in march for my kids' graduation ceremonies! L's coming along too, which will make this our first overseas trip by plane. we just booked the flight tickets last night, and i'm figuring out other logistics like hotels, whether to rent a car, and items to slot into the itinerary. being the efficient singaporean that i am, the sidequest for this trip is to submit my pension withdrawal documents. unfortunately, the next step (getting back the amount withheld for tax) can't be done immediately; i believe i need the receipt for the initial refund first. that's for future me to do. at present, my plan is:

10 march (monday) - go to work, fly at night

11 march (tuesday) - reach kochi, get rental car?, go to town

12 march (wednesday) - attend ceremonies, leave for osaka?

13 to 15 march - in osaka

16 march (sunday) half-day in osaka, fly back

it's just under a week, which i think is a good duration. even though i know that it's not a permanent home for me at this point in my life, i'm quite looking forward to visiting the town again. doubt there'll be any significant changes since it's barely been a year. i'm also looking forward to meeting my successor and hearing about her experience.

the way i went about planning this trip (and some other experiences in the past 2 months) really highlights how being in a relationship is different from being single. i never used to think too much about travelling. just planned my trip around the cheapest flights while considering the school schedule, and off i went. budget airline? go for it. sleeping in the car for a night? sure. taking an overnight bus? no problem. but now, i find myself having to consider L's schedule, comfort, and interests. not complaining, just saying that it's an extra consideration that never factored in before. the other thing is i find myself worrying about him. like a few weeks ago, he was experiencing some pain in his ribs. if it had happened to myself, i'd have said "it'll be fine, just let it heal naturally". but for him, i was all "go see a doctor, get an x-ray if you need to". let's not forget the paranoia that it could be something serious, or that he's suffering but putting up a brave front. looking at it rationally, i think it's because i can't know how bad it is, since i can't experience the pain for myself. plus, we have different pain tolerances, so what i feel is mild could be severe to him, or vice versa. i suppose i just have to trust that he, being an adult, knows how to communicate his needs and to seek help when needed.

did i talk about the tuition thing yet? don't think so. it's a casual arrangement with one of my friends, 4 hours every saturday. before accepting it, i went to check my company's rules for side gigs. the 2 main ones that apply here are that the amount of money that i get in a year from this side gig must not exceed 3 months of my full-time job salary; and that it can't be employment, ie. no CPF, leave, or other benefits. it's reasonably casual, and the per hour rate is actually higher than my full-time work! but because i'm working only 4 hours per week, i'm earning much less in absolute terms. i'm viewing it as a small supplement/extra spending money, definitely not enough to survive on alone. in a way, this helps to make up for the feeling of "wastedness" from quoting a low expected salary to my current employer. my cousin, who alerted me to the fact that i lowballed myself, tried to make me feel better about it when we were talking yesterday. he said that in this job market, getting a job was already a blessing, let alone one with my current salary and benefits. coming from an ex-recruitment professional who took a year to land a job offer, i don't doubt him! and it's true that comparison is the thief of joy. like, i was quite happy with this figure, but when it was put up against what i could have gotten, it became unsatisfactory. at the end of the day, it just boils down to my own perception of the situation. i'm in a good place, and that's the most important thing.

that's just about all i have to update you on for now. work is going well, but i think the assignment we'll be working on after CNY might be more difficult and closer to "real" work. i think i should be able to handle it. we'll find out on friday, which sadly is an in-office day due to training requirements. while a long weekend would have been nice, i'm not against going back to the office, either. the first tuition session is starting this saturday, so i need to prepare for that as well. going to resurrect my old laptop for that. it's been about half a year since i turned it on...hope it still runs.

-random thought of the day: Apply leave for the trip!-

If you've read even just one of my posts about JET, you'll know that i think that it was an overall good experience and that i have no regrets going. that's still true. but as i'm spending more time at a "real" job, so to speak, i've realized that JET was bad for me in a way that i didn't expect...and that's not having actual KPIs to meet. see, KPIs are nonexistent for JETs. while i'm proud to have had consistently outstanding appraisal results, the fact of the matter is that my annual increment is guaranteed, and the amount is publicly-available information. on the flipside, nothing about that would change even if my appraisal came out horribly! a popular saying is that the only way to get fired from JET is if you commit an actual crime, and even then...not always. stories of JETs who have slept with their students (sometimes underaged ones) and suffered no consequence are aplenty, although i can say that i've never heard of it happening in my immediate circles, nor do i know anyone involved in such things. long story short, JET is a really easy job because there are no meaningful metrics to strive towards. not student pass rates, not hours worked, not initiatives led...nothing. so it's really about how the individual uses their time there.

now that i'm back in the real world, KPIs matter. we're going to have an official briefing about it tomorrow, but some of the seniors with whom we've lunched have given us a sneak preview. we're supposed to accumulate at least 48(?) points in our first year. doesn't sound that bad at first, until you realize that each case is worth between 0.4 to 0.7 points, depending on the complexity. one of the seniors broke it down for us - let's say the average number of points accrued per case is 0.55. that means 88 cases are needed to meet the points requirement. there are 52 weeks in a year, and you take maybe 4 weeks off because of leave or other things. that's an average of 1.8 cases a week, or one every 2 to 3 days. when you bear in mind that each case involves very quickly learning the technology well enough to argue about it, the pressure intensifies. but i'm sure that the training is structured to get us started on good footing.

remember how i've said i enjoyed the slow pace of life in japan and that it made me more patient and understanding? the fact that i've semi-reverted to my pre-japan self (impatient, easily irritated, generally angrier) really makes me believe that our surroundings influence us to a great degree. a part of me wonders if it's because i have higher expectations of people in singapore not to be idiots/inconsiderate. you know, since i'm singaporean, i expect my fellow citizens to have some minimum standards. i don't think my minimum standards are too difficult. simply put, it boils down to "don't be a nuisance to others". and then we have idiots playing music for the whole bus to hear, parents who let their kids run amok, the list goes on. if not for the fact that i have this amazing job and i'm not willing to risk losing it, i probably would have slapped someone by now. thankfully they're allowing us to work from home some days, so that will help me reduce my exposure to idiocy.

perhaps i should take a leaf from my friend's book. she always says, "no expectations, no disappointment". i guess that would be one way to approach the situation, although i fear that if the situation doesn't improve, society will decline into a bunch of raving baboons sooner than later. on the bright side, thank goodness that i'm not bringing kids into this world! as it is, i'm already rolling my eyes when my nieces use the latest slang or know the words of the currently popular song by heart. i think i might just kill my (hypothetical) kid if they behaved like the idiot girls i saw at sushiro that one time!

-random thought of the day: Planning a work from home schedule.-

Almost the end of week 2 at work, and i'm settling into routines both at home and in the office. each day is slightly different, as L starts work at different times. when he's feeling up to it, he'll get up with me and make me a lunchbox. i certainly don't expect it, and am always happy/grateful when he does it. can you imagine cooking being the first thing you do after rolling out of bed? as much as i like cooking, it's not something i'd elect to do right after waking up.

continuing about L for a bit more, i'm happy that we're still making the effort to have dinner together 4 out of 5 days a week. he goes to his grandmother's place on the remaining day, and that's a place which i don't think is ready for me yet. but it's ok. the present situation is already more than i could have dreamed to ask for. now that we're properly living together (with his dad too, but he's easygoing), we're learning to understand how much personal time and space each of us needs. typically, what happens is we reach home after dinner, i'll want to shower ASAP to get the grime off (plus he won't let me lie down on the bed when i'm wearing outside clothes), while he'll play games and do other computer stuff before showering closer to bedtime. i also usually have a bit of alone time, though i'm welcome to go bug him now and then before we do something together (eat snacks, watch shows, whatever else) and then head to bed. i think it's a pretty good arrangement!

the biggest change since starting work is just how tired i feel at night. though it's more mental than physical, it's still enough to make me cranky and/or cause me to just drop off to sleep before my planned bedtime. L's had to put up with it a few times, and he's been nothing but great about it. another consequence of my fatigue is that i haven't been gaming...like, at all. the most i'll do is log in during the weekends and catch up a little bit, but i really don't have the urge to game on weekdays. it's good too, since that's one less distraction from work.

over the past few days, i was trying to figure out why i like this company so much more than the accursed IP firm. i think there are a few factors, some obvious, some not really so. the thing i thought of that stood out most to me was that prior to my reporting for work, they had me fill out a form asking me my preferred display name in the company directory, user ID, email address, etc. it seems insignificant, but it was such a nice personal touch. i also realized that there's less emphasis on how fast we're expected to learn things here. and there's more structure. in the accursed IP firm, the MO (for my boss, at least) was to explain IP concepts according to the case files she had on hand, without regard to the order. and even then, she didn't go into much detail. her usual refrain was "go read the patents act and exam guidelines". while those are indeed good things for a trainee to do, solo reading without someone to simplify the legalese or explain by examples is also not the best way to learn. anyway, i should be over that. i just find it a huge waste. but i should remind myself, there's no guarantee that i'd have been "successful" even if i stayed there. in all likelihood, i'd be burnt out and in a bad place (literally, and metaphorically for my mental state). things happen for a reason.

today, we had a half-day IP event, during which i reconnected with a junior from my grad school lab, as well as a senior from my JC judo days. they're both working at the same firm. talk about a small world! i'm really happy that she's doing well. i wouldn't call us close friends, but we're at least on good terms. i think my senior was a bit surprised to know how we're connected. considering i hadn't seen him since he graduated (end-2005 or so), i wasn't surprised that he didn't remember me at all. but dropping a few names and other things jogged his memory. we weren't really close in JC either, but at least there's a familiar face in the industry.

before i go make L a drink and watch an episode of a TV show, i wanted to mention one mega upside of the company. the dress code is more or less "no shorts and slippers" - meaning that i'm allowed to go to work in jeans and t-shirt! the accursed IP firm had that as a perk (friday was "casual day"), but every day is casual day here. it doesn't sound like much, but i realize that i work better when i'm comfortable. and wearing casual clothes is way more comfortable than office wear!

-random thought of the day: Training is going well!-

First impressions can be misleading, which is why i'm hoping that my first impression of the company is close to the truth. the past 4 days of work have been amazing - friendly colleagues, approachable superiors, awesome office, nurturing trainers. it's all been really slow so far, mostly setup and IP fundamentals. i suspect they're going extra slow for the new hires who don't have exposure to IP. there are 12 of us, by the way, and we're split 4-2-2-4 (i think? or maybe 4-2-3-3) into the 4 broad technical areas that the firm handles. i'm thankful that i still retained a good bit of my IP knowledge; that's given me a bit of a head start. but here's where i should remind myself that i'm still nowhere near competent, so i should approach each concept as if it were my first time learning it, ie. don't get overconfident. perhaps there's a bit of self-given pressure in wanting to be at the front of the pack. i should also bear in mind that there are a few people with IP experience in my training cohort. they probably know more stuff and know stuff in more detail than me.

interestingly, i noticed that i have a slight trauma response to patent documents. not sure if that's the right term or if it's too harsh, but i found myself getting small stabs of anxiety while the trainers were explaining patent documents to us. clearly, the accursed IP firm left its mark on me. some of the sample documents we're being trained on were old cases that my ex-boss had a hand in, so it was a little eurgh to see her name again. on the positive side, i still retained a good bit of my IP knowledge even though i was at the accursed firm close to 6 years ago. guess the sink or swim approach made the knowledge sink in - no pun intended! granted, i'll need refreshers and ironing out of some of the more nuanced bits, but i think my sanity should hold this time.

at 36 years old, it does feel a little too late to start from the bottom again. but if i really had to do it, i think that this company is an excellent place for it. apparently, nobody's failed probation - just extensions until the desired standard is reached. not that i want my probation to be extended, mind you! i want to start moving up the ranks soon-ish, so i can rectify my mistake of lowballing myself during the hiring process. ahhh, stop thinking about it!

most of the next 2 months will be spent on training; i think i only get to do "real" work in march or maybe even april. all of the seniors i've had lunch with (they started a "senior lunch" program to help us settle in and get acquainted with the staff) have said that this initial training phase is the honeymoon period, and i should take it slow and focus on building a good foundation in IP law. one step at a time. while i'm doing my best to remain realistic, i also have high hopes that this will be my last job until retirement. well, let's worry about passing probation first. 8 months, 3 weeks, and a day to go!

-random thought of the day: I feel more tired after work now than I did on JET!-

Back in my schooldays, i sometimes got the jitters before the first day of school - what would my teachers and classmates be like, how would the class dynamic go, how difficult would the content be...all those questions and more would go through my head. strangely, i'm feeling something similar now, but on a reduced scale. my friend came through with intel (see how small the scientific community is?) that there are supposed to be about 10 new hires reporting for work tomorrow. that means an average of 2-3 people per area of specialization, assuming we're equally distributed. good thing is that i won't be going it alone and will have people to commiserate with, bad thing is that those people are competition.

a few senior alumni reminded me during this past saturday's gathering, that i'm not there to make friends and that colleagues are competition. it's quite a cutthroat way of thinking, and i don't agree 100% with it. at the same time, i see the wisdom in keeping professional distance with coworkers. i think a good balance is not to be unfriendly exactly, but at the same time not bending over backwards to help. i might need some time to figure out how to navigate this as i genuinely didn't face any competition in japan, and everyone was always willing to go the extra mile for me.

let's take stock of my feelings now. excitement, mild nervousness, miniscule amount of unwillingness. that last one just comes from me not wanting to give up my free time, but it's inconsequential. to simplify things, let's just consider excitement and nervousness. i think i'm split 75:25 respectively. to mitigate the nervousness, i need to remind myself that the recruitment process has been amazing so far, the HR staff sound friendly and approachable. my future superior seems a tiny bit awkward, but i might be able to break the ice because we have japan work experience in common.

to use a cliched quote, there's nothing to it but to do it. i'm grateful that L's in my corner; we were discussing the upcoming changes and he's been really supportive. you know, the whole letting me stay at his place thing? not only that, the guy is going to wake up early and prepare a lunchbox for me! i guess it's a nice bonus that his work starts much later in the day. and he's a morning person anyway, what with all the gymming and running. but even then, he doesn't HAVE to do it for me. i really appreciate him.

parting thoughts before i shower and go to sleep: i need to remember to bring the omiyage for the HR staff, set my alarm, charge all my electronics, and just go in tomorrow with a positive mindset. i obviously did something right in the interviews, which is why they picked me. it'll be fine!

-random thought of the day: Hope sleep comes quickly tonight.-

Stupid observation incoming - time passes. like, you don't say, right? but the thing is although i'm aware of it on some subconscious level at the back of my mind, it really smacks me in the face when i'm on the cusp of a big change. this upcoming big change is that today's my last weekday being unemployed, and work starts next monday! don't get me wrong, i'm tremendously excited to start being more productive (and to bring money in), but i'll miss the flexibility of having the whole day free to do things, meet people, etc. tradeoffs, i guess.

i've covered most of my thoughts about work in previous posts, and i don't feel any closer to knowing what my daily routine should be. maybe let's look at the more immediate future. i know that my reporting time is 9:30am for the first day, and it takes about an hour to get to the office from L's place. i'll aim to reach by 9 sharp, to give buffer time in case of any traffic, delays, or other murphy's law things. that means leaving L's place at 8. to be even more safe, i'll probably leave at like 7:50. don't want to make a bad impression on day 1, right? also reminder to self: bring the chocolates for the HR people. incidentally, do you see that as sucking up? my intention is to thank them for facilitating the hiring process, which i plan to do with a small gift and a handwritten note. i guess this omiyage thing is something i picked up from japan. well, i'll do it anyway. it's not like i have a sinister motive, although i do think that this will net me some goodwill.

oh, if i haven't said it explicitly yet, school has started. the streets are a little quieter. too bad i won't get to take advantage of that from next monday onwards! my niece has attended her first day of primary 1 and seems to be managing the new environment well enough. i hope she has a fulfilling school life. almost makes me wish that i could turn back time. kind of sad, that you accumulate wisdom and experience at the cost of time and youth!

not sure if i'll be blogging over the weekend...i might on sunday, just to record my thoughts and feelings the night before. change is both exciting and scary at the same time, and i don't think i'll ever stop feeling that. i think the key is to remind myself that i've made it through bigger changes than this. and with my support network behind me, i'll make it through this change as well.

-random thought of the day: Decide lunch plans for day 1!-

Physical activity to start a new year? how very uncharacteristic! L decided that we should go swimming, so that the money i spent on buying swim shorts and goggles for the cruise but ended up not using then wouldn't be completely wasted. we went to sengkang pool, and had a pretty good time. i'm still swimming slowly...about 2 minutes per pool length. i suspect that it's a combination of my lack of hydrodynamic-ness and weak strokes, but that's for me to properly dissect another time.

before i started writing this post, i was reading retired cousin's year-end post. she summed up my 2024 as "a super big year of change, learning, growth and adventure". makes me feel like i didn't do myself justice in my own post! but thinking back on it, i would say that yeah, not many singaporeans can say that they've had the experiences i've had. and i should pat myself on the back for making it out unscathed and wiser.

now that it's 2025, it's time to look forward. like i mentioned some time ago, we are in control of what balls we juggle. this year, my broad goal is to focus on 2 aspects - work and my relationship with L. cheesy as it may be, i think i want to come up with a one-sentence mission statement for these things.

for work, the mission statement is "do my best to learn and become competent". while i'm still not going to divulge too much about the company or my exact role, i can say that it's in the IP industry. don't remember if i've mentioned it before, but there you go if i haven't. short-term goals include getting a feel for the office, colleagues, and job scope. mid-term goal is to clear probation without extension. longer term goals include salary increments and promotions, but those are still far into the future. i'm hoping that i will hit it off with my superiors as well, so that history doesn't repeat itself. honestly, if this job doesn't go well, i'm not sure where else to turn. but let's think positive for now. after all, i haven't even reported for work yet! that's in 4 days, by the way. the ducks SEEM to be lined up, and i'm hoping that i won't forget anything important.

the mission statement that i want to adopt for my relationship with L is "to give and get the love we deserve". the ex taught me that while i can give, i need to receive as well. so i'm going to be a bit more vocal about my needs. of course, i don't want the relationship to be skewed the other way either, ie. i don't want to make L feel like he's giving more than he's comfortable or taking less than he feels he deserves. it's a good thing we agreed early on that open and honest communication is an important foundation of our relationship. i also want to make sure that i support him, especially when he has rough days at work. another thing i told him was that it's my job to make his life easier, and if his life was harder because of me, then there's not much point in continuing the relationship, is there?

of course, the "hidden"/unspoken thing that i should focus on, and arguably the most important thing of all, is myself. the results of the health check i did while in japan weren't stellar, and i don't want them to get worse. it's going to be a bit of an uphill battle, though - sedentary office job, 24/7 availability of food, and food that is...let's just say not the healthiest in the world. doesn't help that L's kind of an enabler when it comes to my desires. it's good for some things (encouraging me to chase my dreams and find a suitable job), not so good for others (saying ok to my frivolous purchases). i'm going to incorporate light exercise into my daily routine. the downside of growing up less physically fit than my peers is that i've been constantly told to push myself harder for exercise, which also means that i'm used to going all out...which won't be sustainable when there's work and other things in the mix. digression: i remember when my army OC told us that soldiers deployed to afghanistan were recommended to only exert themselves up to 60 or 70% when doing physical training, lest they run into a situation midway. so my goal here is to take things easy (easier) and to be consistent.

as usual, i'm going into the new year with cautious optimism. from where i am now, things look good and i hope they at least stay this way, if not get better. good that i have some say in how the year will turn out, i intend to make it a good one!

-random thought of the day: Life might be easier/more fun with a partner.-