Wasn't planning on blogging today, but a few things happened that i think i need to get out of my system before i can sleep peacefully tonight. since i only just reached home about an hour ago(!) from meeting an interior designer, i'll do the 10 sentences maximum thing.

thing 1: i passed probation! my lead gave me the news today, which means it's more or less confirmed already. but it's not official yet, until it's announced company-wide. i expect it will take effect sometime in october? he also kind of told me not to make as many mistakes, so that my cases could clear more quickly. that, and the fact that expectations are getting higher actually ties into thing 2.

thing 2: during the career progression briefing session, we were told that our promotion track has a new intermediate title. and that's all it appears to be now - a change in title (not pay grade) with perhaps a small raise. the problem with that is, it delays us unlocking additional group performance bonuses, even though we're contributing to the group target! as you can imagine, people were not happy to hear the news - myself included. the saving grace is that we (my cohort) have a chance to bypass this intermediate title and promote straight to the next pay grade, but it means doing about 150% of our current workload for a year, starting from october. and the targets only get even higher from then on. it's not impossible, exactly...but it's going to be tough. my plan is to push for it.

thing 3: hit a snag in the flat-buying process; apparently the seller needs to furnish additional documents by the end of this week. the thing that worries me is that if the seller doesn't/can't provide the required documents, the sale will be cancelled. i'm not worried monetarily, because we can sue for breach of contract. i'm more worried about having to go house-hunting again and not being able to find a place in a similar location. not to mention the timeline of having to move out of marine parade. you'd think that the agent would have known what to submit! scary JC friend says that the other agent will settle things on his end, so i'm hoping that this is just a minor hiccup.

guess that's it for now. meeting scary JC friend and her interior designer friend tomorrow for another quote, and we're having japanese food! a buffet, at that. the plan is to have a small lunch, so that i have stomach space and calorie allowance for dinner. should be fun!

-random thought of the day: Music affects my mood so much!-

Adulting is a lot more headache-y than i thought! from having to make big decisions like buying a house(!) to the little things like making sure the bills are paid on time, there are so many more things to keep track of as an adult vs. as a kid. thankfully, i get by with a little lot of help from my friends.

today's puzzle though, is something that i think i can tackle on my own. the utilities bill came in, and it came up to about $250 total. it showed the total usage too - 455 kWh of electricity, and 29.3 cubic metres of water. those numbers look really really off to me. because in japan, even during the hot summers when i used the air-con every day, i have never used more than 200 kWh of electricity in a month. same for water, i have never exceeded 10 cubic metres, even after factoring in water used to wash the car! so, to see that i somehow hit more than double my last-known monthly usage makes me think that something is fishy. of course, it may not be me - the billing cycle started on 23 august. my first aunt may not have moved out yet, and some of her usage may have been recorded. also, my third aunt probably used some water and electricity when she deep cleaned the place. the current plan is to see how next month's bills look like, then i'll know for sure whether it's my usage or not.

my tuition kids are having their year-end exams in the next couple of weeks, so thankfully classes have been quite relaxed. they spend the bulk of the time doing papers, and we go through the tougher questions in the remaining half an hour or so. disclaimer: i'll still mark everything, of course. based on what my friend tells me, the sec 1 kid will want to continue for sec 2, while at least 2 of the sec 2 kids will want to continue for sec 3. that's not bad; it means at least the number of classes won't decrease, so that should help with the finances somewhat. on a personal level, i told him that i wasn't very interested in teaching lower secondary, but i'll at least see this current kid through. we'll see what happens next year.

on a related note, my friend told me he was looking to start another branch in the marine parade community centre/library building. google says construction is expected to complete by first quarter next year, so considering that he needs to bid for a spot and complete renovations before classes can start there, we're looking at a possible june start? he has an idea for me to be a partner in this branch. if i take that up, that will mean burning a few weekday nights as well as both weekend days. at this point, i'm not sure if that is best for me. i mean, i'm grateful that my day job is fairly low-pressure as long as the KPI is met, but (1) KPI figures increase the longer i'm there, and (2) i don't think that i must necessarily find other sources of stress/money to fill the free time. especially when i kind of want to do the "self-love/acceptance" and "be more sociable" things. hearing his plans really makes me wish i could stay long-term in this flat! it's literally walking distance to marine parade community centre. but to be fair, the flat i got is a short-ish bus ride away, so it's not that much more of a hassle.

what was the last thing i told you about the flat? right, internal screaming from confirming the purchase. right now, HDB is in the midst of doing its thing, and we should soon get an approval date for renovations to begin, plus an appointment date to go down to the HDB hub to sign the paperwork, which i cannot miss upon pain of death. after signing the documents, the flat will officially be mine...and the loan repayments will begin. real good news, bad news thing there. so in this interim period of waiting, scary JC friend advised me to think about renovation. having heard horror stories about the shady practices of some interior designers (eg. running off with clients' money, winding a debt-ridden firm up and starting a new company for a clean slate), i'm quite leery of random firms. thankfully, my guildmate linked me up with the interior designer who did up her house, and who also happens to be her childhood friend. of course, this is no guarantee that nothing will go wrong, but i'd say the odds will be dramatically reduced. plus, i'm quite close to this guildmate and i know that she's the very 讲义气 type, so she'll have my back if anything untoward happens. let's just hope it never gets to that stage.

it's been almost a month since i've moved into this flat. the actual month-versary would be on a weekday, and i don't know if i'll feel inclined to blog after work, so might as well do it now. first and foremost, i want to give myself a hearty pat on the back for surviving that breakup. another thing i couldn't have done without help from my friends (and family!). more than that, i also want to tell myself "well done!" for being smart enough to learn from the bad experience. can you imagine if i was still pining for him after he lied TWICE!? good to know that i still maintained some rationality, although scary JC friend would say that i already gave him too much of a chance.

this train of thought was actually brought about by a phone call with my third aunt the other day, where she told me that my first aunt was going behind her back to make plans to have broccoli pick her up from the hospital and come back to marine parade. bad as it sounds, the first thought that came to my mind upon hearing that was, 'thank goodness i'm smarter than that!!'. for background info, he's been mooching off her for at LEAST the past 7-8 years. staying in the flat rent-free, using water and electricity like nobody's business, i hear he even emptied her bank account! and my first aunt isn't rich (not that broccoli's share of blame would be reduced if she was) - in fact, she gets some money from CPF every month, but my third aunt still pays for practically all of her expenses! i understood from the phone call that my first aunt had forsworn broccoli before going to the hospital, and even had his number blocked. but for some reason, she unblocked him herself and resumed contact. turns out you can't force a horse to drink, and you can't force it to stop drinking either!

looking at things from her perspective, just to be fair, she could be afraid of being alone/lonely. and given that she's semi-disabled because of the stroke from years ago and just general aging, i can understand that she wants someone around her for support. BUT WHY HIM!!?? even after all he's done to her, she's still crawling back to him. maybe he's the only one who can put up with her nonsense. she's notoriously difficult to live with and to just be around, and the fact that she's exhibiting increased signs of insanity (i know that's not the exact accurate term, but you get the idea) now doesn't help. i've seen good-tempered, patient people lose it when interacting with her, which leads to my hypothesis that she thrives on conflict.

anyway, she then told my third aunt that she wanted to come back to this flat, and when she was told i was living here, her reply was "oh, we can live together ah". when my aunt told me she said that, my literal first response was "over my dead, rotting body". knowing myself, i don't trust that i'll be able to be civil if she throws one of her tantrums. anyway, the main point i wanted to make is that i'm grateful that i had the sense to snap out of a similar situation and not be a doormat. gosh, i haven't used that phrase in a while! my sec 3 and 4 form teacher used to say it, but with regards to peer pressure and bullying. similar context, i guess? so, yes. good job to me for not pining after someone who is absolutely unworthy of me. side note: if i ever exhibit signs of insanity as i get older, gently remind me about my maternal grandfather and first aunt, and help me start making plans to leave this world.

have a call scheduled with my JET successor tomorrow, apparently she wants to ask some questions. hopefully it's nothing serious, and my knowledge and experience can be of help to her. she seemed to be enjoying herself when i spoke to her in march, expected issues with some kids and one of the english teachers aside. but i already warned her to expect that even before she came to japan. apart from that, i don't think i have any other social engagements. rather than rotting at home all day, i think i'll go for a walk. would be good to get some sun and exercise.

-random thought of the day: Will the company announce probation results this coming week?-

Ugh. saw 2 things today that i was better off not seeing. one of them was upsetting, while the other one was just meh.

meh one first. remember i mentioned that my former boss left the accursed IP firm? it seems like she went to start a new IP firm with some of her ex-colleagues. so it means there is a chance that our paths may cross again. at least this time, i won't be reporting to her. oddly, i noticed that the contact number listed on her profile in the new firm's website is a hong kong number. well...whatever. it reduces the chance of us meeting in person, i guess!

second thing. he posted an instagram story along the lines of "days turned into weeks, a miscommunication can ruin a relationship". i didn't read the whole thing and i'm sure i got some of the words wrong, but that was the gist of it. assuming he's talking about our relationship, it wasn't a miscommunication. HE KNOWINGLY LIED. it infuriates me, how he's still trying to deflect and make himself out to be blameless, or like he unintentionally made a mistake at worst. he chose to lie to me TWICE, and also withheld the truth (that he was partnered) from the third party initially. i guess he's trying to have a mopey anime arc where he sighs as he looks out of a bus window. deluded max. i made the mistake of going back to it to confirm what he wrote, and it was worse than what i picked up during my skim through. he's all "i don't owe you an explanation, maybe you'll understand why i did what i did someday". seriously, despite what the female best friend said about not giving him a chance to be the victim, i think i might actually hit him the next time i see him. that's why i'm just hoping i never see him again.

but you know what? it doesn't matter any more. to me, the important thing is that his 2 closest friends know the truth about what a shitty person he is. ok, fine, they probably had an inkling before. but based on our conversations, this episode showed them a new low. i also took it as a sign to unfollow him and remove him from my follower list. don't need this kind of people in my life. i kind of think he really does have sociopathic tendencies. but at this point, it's not my monkey, not my circus. seeing less of him and knowing less of what he's up to should boost my mood.

-random thought of the day: Bought a whole salmon today!-

Decision-making is not my strong suit. i'll try to put it off to get a more complete picture, weigh the odds, consider the possible outcomes, all that stuff. and even after committing, i'll second-, third-, fourth-, fifth-, n-guess until i get some form of feedback about whether the decision was a "good"/"right" one. that's actually happening now, because i just committed to the flat purchase! literally signed the form earlier today, which set the gears in motion. it doesn't quite feel real yet (although my internal screaming hasn't stopped since i signed the form), but i expect reality will sink in once we start talking about renovation plans and loan repayments.

with this purchase and the associated costs, it seems that my bank account will take quite a hit. i think, at this point, i should strategize a bit while my head is still clear and i'm not reeling from the huge deductions. also, it would be good to record the information i got from scary JC friend, who actually called in response to my text and spent a bit of time taking me through what would be happening until we complete the deal. she's going to submit the paperwork tomorrow, and HDB will take between 8 to 12 weeks to sort things out on their end. that means i'll likely have a completion date around late november to december, which is when i'll need to make all the associated payments. on the plus side, i'll have september and october salaries to help cushion against the damage a bit. that also means there'll be (slightly) more money in my CPF, so i'll have to fork out less cash. still have to tighten my purse strings though!

strategy-wise, i think the most important thing to do after the big deductions would be to rebuild my reserves. you know, the 6 months of salary in the bank thing. since i'll be spending money as well, it's definitely going to take more than 6 months to get my finances back up to where they were before. i'll probably invest less, but invest nonetheless. hopefully the market doesn't go down while i don't have enough for big purchases. i'll also need to set aside $8000 to put into my CPF account for tax relief purposes. looks like earning miles and cashback will have to wait! in terms of tangible things i can do to save money, meal prepping seems to be the obvious one. i'm tempted to get a whole salmon from NTUC tomorrow. it's like, half price compared to the pre-cut portions, plus the nice fish counter person will process it too. oh! i can put my CDC vouchers to good use!

also earlier today, i submitted the last case i needed to hit my probation KPI, a week in advance! that's not the end of the road, though, as we have to meet the year-end target as well. i'll still submit a few more cases until the end of september, so that i'll have an easier time in the next quarter. i also foresee myself taking leave to move house and to settle the associated admin, so that's less time to do cases. i know there's one appointment i absolutely cannot miss, and that's going down to HDB hub for the completion. good thing my company is generous with leave days and associated benefits! also in the work realm, some seniors got promoted. i'm nothing but happy for them. for us (my cohort) though, it seems that the company is altering the promotion criteria. odds are it's going to be more stringent, because when was the last time you heard that a company made it more easy to get promoted? the lead in charge of KPI and promotions just booked us for a talk on career progression next week, so i guess we'll find out then.

not sure if it's because of the heightened emotional state, the stress that came with committing to the flat, or the process of grief, but over the course of today, i had a few flashbacks to my last confrontation with him. i expect it's a mix of everything. despite knowing that it's irrational, it made me want to hit something! didn't help that people on the bus were being idiots and pressing the bell multiple times for the same stop. just an unfortunate coincidence of things rubbing me the wrong way, i guess. i'm sure it'll get better after some sleep, and more importantly, solitude as i'm working from home for the next 2 days!

-random thought of the day: Excited yet absolutely terrified.-

Over the past week, my sleep quality has been kind of bad. even though i'm in bed by 10+, i'll find myself tossing and turning until 1 or 2am. my current suspicion is that my brain is too active when i'm trying to get to sleep. need to cut back on the doomscrolling.

i had a weird dream last night. forgot most of the first part, but i remember that i was back in secondary school for the second part. sec 1, to be precise. it was science class, and my science teacher offered $100 to people who handed in their holiday homework on time. i hadn't started it, and had a day until the deadline. so i went to look at the notes she stuck to the board, and found that they were all in japanese! there was one page about 梅雨 (つゆ, the rainy season in japan around may-june). should have realized then that it was a dream then as sec 1 me couldn't understand japanese, and we don't really study weather phenomena in science class here, unlike in japan. separately, my class monitor also reminded me to wear my tie because it was monday. that's a practice i never understood. possibly to get students used to the idea of wearing a tie?

don't remember how exactly the dream concluded, but i woke up as usual at 7-ish. getting 5-6 hours of sleep is ok once in a while, but not when it lasts for multiple consecutive nights. might be due to the stress of not having a clear path forward for the housing situation. but at least i have a fallback option, which is the current place that i have the option for. i just went back again yesterday after tuition, to see if the other unit would be occupied (no luck there), and thought that no matter which unit i got, the block would be a pretty good place to live in! the exhaust from the coffee shop is piped up to the roof and vented there, which means it's unlikely that laundry i hang outside will smell smoky. i suppose the risk of fire-related accidents is higher, but that's what fire and home insurance are for, right? home insurance also appears to cover break-ins and theft, which gives additional peace of mind. of course the best case scenario is if it never happens, which may be more than likely in singapore. still, i'm not going to cheap out on insurance just because it's a relatively safe country.

might be due to the general lack of sleep, but a weird thought came to me recently. it goes something like, "you need to go towards what you want". yes, i know it's a captain obvious statement. it's just that, i think i could apply it more to my love life. say, if i want to date a japanese guy, i need to know more japanese guys! that then leads into the whole issue of "am i meeting people for the right reasons?". i mean, no problem if i'm going to a dating event/mixer type thing, but what if i'm joining a hobby group or professional networking session with the intention to date? that becomes a but more iffy. but i'll expand on this in one of the bigger blogging projects, or make it a blogging project on its own. the first step is to figure out what kind of person i want to date, and how to go about dating. while i have a general idea/template, i kind of want to be even clearer about it, especially about the pace after this most recent experience.

since i'm on the topic of meeting people, i'll just talk about my dinner trip yesterday. as you know, i went to see if anyone was living in the prospective unit. on the way back, i decided to swing by this seafood place that i'd read about on facebook. figured that the walking from the nearest bus stop to there, and then from there back home would make up for the calories! i ordered the steamed fish head, satisfying another craving. it was good. for $20, it had better be! nice that i had CDC vouchers to offset it. they were generous with the portion - more like a third of the fish as opposed to just the head. it was fresh, meaty and fatty in all the right places. my only gripe is that there were a fair few fine bones, but that's fish anatomy and nothing to do with the cooking. i digress. my main point is about the kid who was helping out at the stall. based on his mannerisms, i guessed had special needs, which led to the thought that it was brave of him to do something customer-facing. of course, he may have been volunteered by his parents, but who knows? we ended up chatting for a while, during which he told me he was sec 3 and attending a special school, thus confirming my hypothesis. the stall owner, who i guess is his grandmother, noticed we were chatting and asked me if i could tutor him. do i give off a teacher vibe? i wasn't carrying anything that would even suggest that i did teaching. i wasn't carrying anything at all, for that matter! anyway, she wanted tuition for english, chinese, and maths for him, all of which are not within my area of specialization/interest. i told her i'd keep an eye out for anyone who fit her requirement, and left with my food. seems like people in the east side are friendlier compared with people in say, bishan or sengkang. might be because they tend to be older here?

for today, i have a lunch appointment with some guildmates for korean BBQ buffet. that means i can have a really light dinner, or even skip it completely. the current thought is celery salad with sour cream vinaigrette dressing. and yes, the dressing is where most of the calories are! but it should be fine; it's not like i'm drinking the stuff by the gallon. i also have to make the room more presentable, because my aunt is coming over tomorrow to take photos for the flat listing. considering i mopped and did laundry yesterday, that'll take half an hour today, tops. thanks, past me!

-random thought of the day: Appetite is coming back.-

2 "P" things that make a person stupider are poverty and pressure. thankfully my finances appear to be ok for the time being, but a pressure point has appeared. my aunt messaged yesterday, saying that she wants to sell the marine parade place ASAP to raise funds to buy a company. to think i thought i had 6 months here! assuming she finds a buyer immediately, i'll have 3 months to move out. i don't know how lucky she'll be in finding a buyer, but it's better to err on the side of caution and plan to move out earlier rather than having to request an extension of time and/or impede the sale in some other way. for the record, i should say that i absolutely do not bear ill feelings towards my aunt. it's through her kindness that i'm staying here and not forced to move back or rent a place. i just feel lucky that i didn't end up agreeing to rent from her, otherwise it would be a really messy situation!

unfortunately, it seems that the other prospective place that i had my eye on sold already. the agent ghosted scary JC friend a couple of weeks back, and he told me that it was no longer available when i reached out to him myself earlier today. negative impression about how he conducts business, but oh well. it's quite on-brand for singaporeans to ghost people. here's looking at you, recruiters and gay guys! what this means for me is that considering the time crunch (HDBs typically require about 3 months for paperwork and renovations before the new owner can move in), i'll more than likely be getting the place that i'd already paid the option fee for. there's supposedly another unit one floor upstairs in the same block for sale, but it's not listed on any of the property websites. i went to knock on the door just now, just to see if anyone was home and i could ask if they were really planning to sell. no luck. i'll try again after tuition tomorrow, but if it's not meant to be then it's not meant to be. actually, it might be for the better that the other prospective place is no longer available. the void deck of that block is all shops, and it was quite lively while i was there! not sure how the noise levels would be later at night or early in the morning when the shops receive their deliveries.

like i mentioned earlier, i went to my prospective block to see if the owners of the other unit were home. also took the opportunity to check out how the neighbourhood is like at night. for a block with a coffee shop on the ground floor, it's not as noisy as i was expecting! bonus is the coffee shop is air-conditioned. SRC advised me to drop in at all different times of the day, just to see what it's like...but i don't think i have the luxury of time for that. well...i suppose i can always head down to the office if it does get too noisy at home, seeing as how it's just a 15-minute bus ride away! that's actually the main draw of the place - its proximity to the office. going to tuition will be a little harder, but i figure i can put up with it once a week. other smaller added bonuses are that it's kind of like an ecosystem on its own. there are neighbourhood shops that sell everything from fruit to fluorescent bulbs, and which i think provide a sense of community and character. i'm...not nervous exactly, but aware that the racial composition of the area seems to be less chinese-heavy. i think it's good. if i'm being honest, i've been in somewhat of a chinese (the race) bubble since secondary school. would be good to live the multiracial thing more.

i realize that i've been in transition mode since moving here. like, not wanting to buy too many new things, or even to unpack too much! it makes sense, since i know i won't be here long enough to consider this "home". a part of me thinks i should do more, though...like walking around just to take in the atmosphere, or even spending a sunday at east coast park. thing is, my heart doesn't feel ready to do anything more than basic survival tasks. i've cooked a couple of times since moving in, but it's all been simple dishes like omelettes and stir-fried vegetables...nothing complex. oh, digression to mention that i bought oysters from fairprice xtra and an oyster knife from daiso in parkway, just to see if my shucking muscle memory was still there. good news, it is! although at $4 each, the oysters really aren't worth it - especially when i remember i got similar oysters for under a dollar apiece in japan! i do have an idea of what i want for my kitchen in the new place. it involves (among other things) resurrecting my immersion circulator and pairing it with a vacuum sealer for proper sous vide cooking, and getting an oven for baking projects. with the infrared cookers that my aunt gave me, i might end up not using the gas stove at all!

there are some blogging projects that i want to tackle when my mind is less on edge, which i think will only be after moving into the new place. in no particular order, they are: (1) write poetry about the breakup, (2) do a life plan and timeline sort of thing for perspective, (3) figure out how i can improve myself, (4) start seriously budgeting. the nice loan officer told me that my installment is projected to be $1343 a month. that's actually less than i'd pay if i rented a whole flat! best part is i actually own this flat, so it's not like i'm paying to make someone else richer. it makes me a bit nervous, because it's a not-insignificant fraction of my take-home pay, and the worst thing that could possibly happen would be that i'm unable to service the loan. scary JC friend tells me that loans for HDB flats are protected in a way, in that the bank won't evict you even if you can't pay. something about how the government wants to make sure people have roofs over their heads and it's public housing, after all. i had an odd thought...probably not now, but a few decades into the future, i kind of want to die (naturally) while in debt. i figure that's one way to game the system, especially since i have no dependents that lenders can go after! i mean, the worst they can do is repossess my house, but i'll have no need for it any more so go ahead. that's a thought for way way future me though, and don't worry - sure it's death-related, but it's not dark and gloomy like last time.

-random thought of the day: Enjoy this place/time while it lasts.-

You'd think that by now, my opinion of him would have hit rock bottom. to quote a phrase from infomercial fame, "but wait, there's more!". after talking to the male best friend last night, i realized how much i'd been misled, and how scummy of a person he actually is. the best friend told me that he'd gone through some bad times, such as his mother's passing, and that apparently affected him to a great degree. i know about the mother's passing, and i still do not think that it's an acceptable excuse to screw someone over in such a bad way. i also found out from both the female and male best friends that his greatest fear was being alone. as in, without a partner. makes me wonder if he just latched on to me without thinking too far ahead. it also seems that he gatekeeps his friends, like, not letting different friend groups meet, and the hypothesis the male best friend had was that he was afraid his different friend groups would get along better with each other than with him, and abandon him. that's just sad. i realize something he said makes a bit more sense now. he was afraid that the third party and i would find ourselves attracted to each other and leave him in the dust. but i know now, never date a cheater, or someone who's willing to enable cheating.

i really respect the male best friend, because despite being unjustifiably put down and talked bad about behind his back, he still cares for him so much. he told me that he viewed him as a brother, because they'd known each other since secondary school. personally, i think it's sunk cost fallacy, but it could equally be that the male best friend is a better person than i am! he was gracious about accepting my apology, and he also apologized to me for being a little standoffish at first. remember that the male best friend was cautioning him that our relationship was going too fast? he told me that it was because the male best friend didn't want to see him hurt. that was only half the truth. the male best friend told me that the bigger reason was that knowing his character, it seemed like an impulse decision, or that he was caught up in the moment and wanted his own way without thinking things through properly. and it goes back to how he was so determined to be in a relationship with me that it seemed like he would fend off whatever obstacle came our way. but when someone he thought was better for him came along and/or when he got bored of me, i became the obstacle instead. anyway, the male best friend gave me a prediction of how long the relationship would last, and i'm just seeing how accurate he is. i was also warned that he might try to get back in contact with me. and this is why i believe all his friends when they say he's impulsive and has low EQ - you don't burn a bridge you intend to cross again someday. if he really messages me as if nothing is wrong, i will have first-hand evidence that his EQ is zero.

kind of ashamed about this next bit, but the male best friend thought that we weren't good for each other. reason being that on that friend group's most recent visit to his place, the male best friend saw that we'd both put on weight, and the house was in a poorer state of cleanliness than usual. not sure about the second thing, but us putting on weight was real. all the uncontrolled snacking took its toll! i think this is another reason i shouldn't be so quick to move in with a future date/partner, because i'm the type of person that won't snack if there are no snacks available. like what atomic habits teaches, make bad habits more difficult to access (and good habits easier to access). thankfully, i'm on the road to fixing that, and hopefully progressing even further on the weight-loss journey. need to surpass my first 6 months in japan!

i'm sure there's more stuff that we talked about, but i think these are the main points. the interesting thing about this whole saga is that i got closer to both the male and female best friends. this is despite him trying to limit our contact. how's that for a backfired plan? i know it's not good to do so, but i'm gloating over the fact that to my knowledge, literally none of his friends who know the truth about what happened are on his side. in fact, the female best friend told me that their friend group stayed over at her house this past saturday, and after he gave them his version of what happened, they tore him a new one. bear in mind that his version is the sanitized one where he's trying to portray himself in a good light! they also shut him down when he tried to talk about his new guy (aka. the third party). i laughed so hard when she told me. and to make things sweeter, the male best friend then told me he cancelled mahjong with their friend group the next day, possibly out of fear that the male group would do the same too. classic example of play stupid games, win stupid prizes. my conclusion with the male best friend was that he's like this because his parents spoilt him, he didn't do NS (as much as i hated it, it was good for me overall), and he's never had to face up to consequences. so when i presented him with tangible consequences for his actions (a slap), he got mega defensive out of fear. now that i've seen the whole picture, a part of me wishes i actually did slap him. goodness knows he deserves it, and more! but the female best friend told me it was good that i didn't give him an excuse to play the victim.

ok, enough gloating for now. i've been meeting a lot of people recently! tonight's appointment was with the sister of one of the JETs, who is thinking of applying for the HPI visa. i volunteered to meet up with her and share my experience, so that's one other good thing that came out of my own application! people can learn from my mistakes. hopefully i've managed to give her a realistic picture of what to expect. our situations are different, of course, so i don't expect my advice to be 100% applicable. but i hope she extracts whatever she can use and that the information will increase her chances of success.

as for work, one of my colleagues was told that her probation is going to be extended. another colleague is having a conflict of working styles with her superior, and is exploring options both within and outside the company. separately, one of the trainers asked me if i had any news about my own probation. while i don't have a definite answer yet, the previous talks with my lead seem to indicate that i'm likely to pass. i've hit my points target (pro-rated to this week), my quality is questionable but i believe not unsalvageable (the trainer told me that the uncertainty would persist for the first 3 years), and my attitude is pretty good. that last one's a self-assessment, so bias exists. but the fact that i can talk to both the people in my cohort as well as the seniors should count for something, right? the trainer also told me that as long as the points goal is met and the other 2 aspects aren't absolutely horrible, it would most likely result in a pass. either way, i should know by the end of the month. i still need to submit one more case by the end of september to hit the actual final probation target. considering i have 2 weeks to do that, plus a call with my mentor tomorrow to discuss it, it's more than doable. here's hoping for good news at the end of the month!

-random thought of the day: Scorn trumps heartbreak. Who knew?-

Talking to his best friend today was eye-opening, to say the least. based on the inconsistencies when we matched what he told her vs. my recollection of how things went down, we concluded that he lied (or at least was withholding information/wasn't being fully transparent) when telling her about the situation. the best friend (who i now consider one of my friends as well) told me that contrary to the image of "put-together, mature, considerate, deep-thinking intellectual" that he put across, the real him was a drama magnet (apparently, their friend group are all ok with each other, but all of them have at some point had some conflict with him), self-important, selfish bordering on sociopathic (my phrasing), and had a habit of belittling others to make himself look better - since their secondary school days! those are all traits that i despise, so i'm feeling like a right idiot that i gave my love to someone like that. to be fair to myself, the initial phase was green flags all around. could be because he portrayed himself in such a good light, and smitten me just went for it. but after today's talk, i'm definitely convinced - i deserve better. not just better, INFINITELY better than that piece of scum. after this whole thing where he didn't consider my feelings at all, i didn't think that i would/could lose more respect for him. but somehow, i did.

while i think i'm mostly over it at this point, there is still one thing i absolutely detest. that being that he's making himself out to be the bigger person in our breakup. the best friend's husband showed me an instagram post he made (conveniently hidden from me) where it was all, "if you love something, set it free...i hope you find your happiness someday...i wish you well". apparently, the best friend told me he wrote something similar in our relationship journal (which i asked her to read on my behalf)...to which i would just like to say LANJIAO LAH. i would expect better from someone who claims to be an empath and sensitive to others' feelings and good at reading other people. i mean, how deluded do you have to be to cheat on someone, not make amends, and say it's for their own good? to me, this actually goes below the baseline of treating/viewing someone as a fellow human being. truly a 最低すぎる野郎. good riddance to bad rubbish, as basically everyone has been telling me. not to blow my own trumpet, but by the best friend's admission, she did a bit of detective work on me when she knew we were dating (i don't mind), and her first thought upon seeing my linkedin was, 'how is he good enough for this guy (me)?'. can we say "ego boost"!? 

i also talked to jedi master yesterday, and he told me that some people can act stable for a while, but the facade eventually drops. i should be thankful that the relationship only lasted 10 months - a realization i had already come to myself! he also told me that experiencing this pain was good, because i would learn from it and come out stronger. "what doesn't kill you", you know. but i think the most impactful thing he shared with me is how deep love could go. his partner of 20+ years came out with him, supported him during the 10 years he published his comic book, attended all the promotional shows and conventions, took care of his parents, agreed to him splitting time between singapore and thailand, catalogued and packed up all his toys (he's a collector) before shipping them over to thailand...and more! in the face of that, this 10 month thing is like...a negligible rounding error. he also told me that they stayed together on the weekends only after a year of dating, then gradually increased it over 5 years until they were living together full-time, and he bought a car for his partner because his place was too far from his partner's workplace. that's just insane. the lesson i need to learn here is that while it's easy for people to say "i love you", it's much much harder to follow through.

another aspect of our conversation was about the "vietnamese butcher" video. i haven't watched it, nor do i want to, but the gist of it is *TRIGGER WARNING: GRAPHIC VIOLENCE* that someone took a video of himself killing another guy. the thing that makes it morally grey is that the "victim" wanted to die, and had been thinking about it for years by that point. and the lesson here is that how bad must his life have been, for death to be the preferable option? i admit, i also thought death was preferable in the worst of the cheating saga, but with clarity, it's not smart to give my life up for someone as worthless as this. even if i took him down with me, it would still be a waste of my life. apparently, the "victim" suffered some trauma, and perhaps that led to his mindset. jedi master says what he usually does - that i should give myself more credit and believe that i'm attractive. it's just easier for one to see one's own flaws than attractive qualities, i guess. and it doesn't help that the flaws are magnified in our own self-perception. but i think i will try harder from now on. as multiple people have said, if i've managed to be in (partially) meaningful relationships before, i must be doing something right!

speaking about his friends dunking on him, it gets better. i'm now set to meet his male best friend, the one that he's been talking down and generally being a jerk to. the female best friend told me that the male best friend actually goes out of his way to care for him, and the way that he talks about this male best friend just reeks of ungratefulness and derision. you would never catch me speaking ill of scary JC friend or the chemistry guys like that! i mean, they are flawed, just as all humans are, and i will acknowledge those flaws to anyone who asks. but i will absolutely never mistreat them (eg. cutting off all contact at random). i think a large part of the problem was that i didn't have personal relationships with his friends, so i mainly relied on his version of events to form opinions about them. i didn't hear first-hand what his friends had to say, and now knowing his penchant for making himself the hero/main character/victim (depending on the situation), it seems that the opinions i formed of his friends based on what he told me, are inaccurate at best and horribly off at worst. considering that i wasn't introduced to many of his friends in the first place, i just need to make amends with the male best friend, and possibly talk to his group of female friends. the feeling of vindication that literally nobody is on his side (maybe except the third party) is amazing!

-random thought of the day: The best revenge is living your best life.-

Meeting his dad today unexpectedly triggered the grief button. i really thought i'd be ok, since i made my peace with the dad before leaving. i felt fine while we were talking (the purpose was actually to collect a letter from the bank that was delivered to their place), maybe a little melancholic after that while getting groceries. but for some reason, i came home, ate dinner, and spent a bit of time just sitting there with tears running down my face. not a full-on cry exactly, but still. i think it was because the dad bothered to ask after me, like where i was staying, how work was going, all that stuff, when he didn't have to. he could have just handed me the letter and walked off. the dad was also tactful enough not to mention him, and i didn't ask either. no point in knowing any more, right? maybe there will be a day i can look past the hurt, betrayal, and selfishness. but today is not that day, nor do i think that day will come anytime soon. and that's fine.

housing update - after consultation with scary JC friend and my aunt, i've decided to do something uncharacteristically risky. i'm giving up the guaranteed flat purchase to target another flat. reason being that this new target flat has a longer lease left, ie. there'll be a bigger buying pool when i sell it after 5 years. scary JC friend ran simulations for me - renting marine parade for now and getting a BTO, vs. getting a resale and flipping it for a private property after the MOP, and possibly more flips in the future. the first flip gives me a profit of $150 000 or so, and that's expected to increase in future flips. of course, the underlying assumption is that the property market continues on the current upward trend, there are willing buyers, and the government doesn't introduce any measures that would cause property prices to drop significantly. on the other hand, the former option of renting marine parade means that while i save money upfront, i can't flip the 2-room BTO as easily due to the lower value plus the longer MOP of 10 years instead of 5. in fact, when i decide to get a BTO and pay it off in full from the house-flipping profits, that will be my last/forever home. but that's still far into the future...or not that far, actually.

for more clarity, let's look at my timeline. i'm currently 36 (soon to be 37), and i estimate i'll (want to?) live until 80. so that's another 43 years. assuming i get a flat within this year/early next year, the MOP will be up at end-2030 or early 2031, when i'll be 42 years old. following the strategy of flipping it and getting a private property, i'll stay in the private property for the minimum period of 4 years, which is until 2035 or until i'm 46 years old. another flip, 2039 or 50 years old. another, 2043 or 54 years old, at which point i can choose to stretch it for another year and apply for a BTO as a senior, or do a couple more flips (depending on whether the bank will still lend money to me due to my age) before getting a BTO as my permanent home where i'll live for maybe 20-25 years before leaving this planet. of course, this means that i'll have to work until at least the age i get the BTO. i don't really see that as a problem, as i intend to continue in this job as long as i can, or until i don't find it interesting any more and want to retire. the topic of expected lifespan also came up when talking to scary JC friend. she's someone who seems to love life and all the experiences it brings, which was why it was a little alarming that she said she didn't foresee herself living this long. even though we don't need to be glued together 24/7, knowing that i can call on her anytime is so reassuring. and selfish as it is, i don't want to lose that.

it kind of links to a couple of questions that've been rolling around in my head recently. what do i want out of life? and what is my purpose in life? when things were bad but hadn't gone to hell yet, he said i needed to find a purpose, and that his purpose was to bring happiness to others. considering what he put me through, i just about snorted in disbelief when he said that. i still do believe that peoples' lives will go on even if i'm gone. having said that, i kind of want my purpose (while i'm alive and able) to be to be there for people who matter to me. like, if a friend needs a listening ear, call me anytime. if my cousin needs me to help pick his kid up, sure. if someone needs a place to crash? come on down, the bed's made. having said that, i know i'm by no means irreplaceable. so that kind of lessens the guilt if i were to kick the bucket ahead of schedule. not that i'll care about guilt after i'm gone, anyway!

the good-ness of the week went down a bit today, because i got chewed out by my mentor - completely my fault, and it was thus deserved. just me not being thorough enough. no excuse. the silver lining is that after talking to my division lead, it seems that i'm on track to pass probation. i wonder how my mentor feels about that? and more importantly, i wonder if i'm truly ready. do i feel confident enough to put my name on a report that the client will read? honestly, no. but sometimes, there isn't anything to it but to do it. i'm again grateful that the company culture here is more nurturing and less punitive. but i'm sure even "nurturing" has its limits, and my goal is to do better so that i don't end up crossing that limit.

-random thought of the day: Stupid emotions.-

Good-ish start to the week! my division lead checked in on my KPI, and it seems that i'm literally one case submission away from hitting the pro-rated probation criteria next week. that submission can be done by this week, although i'll have to choose which case to submit. ideally one that will go through with minimal revisions. should ask my mentor about it. she was on leave today (september holidays). i wanted to talk to her in the office, but i guess i'll have to do it online tomorrow.

the "ish" part of good-ish comes in the form of some bad news in my friend circle. specifically, my russian postdoc, who's since become a professor in hong kong. but she was a postdoc when we first met in my professor's lab, and that impression is the strongest one i have of her. anyway, the positive is that she seems to be taking things in stride, and we're due to meet up when she comes to singapore. she was here earlier this year, but i didn't know about it and missed her! the last time i saw her was in end-2022, in kobe. we're definitely overdue for a catch-up.

yesterday, my second aunt (SRC's mum, who's in singapore to settle some admin stuff) dropped by to say hi and take a look at the furniture to move to her place. she looks...older than i remember. to be fair, the stuff that's been going on would age anyone. also, i last saw her what - at least 5 years ago? definitely before JET. it was nice to see her again! and she's still a hugger, which is good, because i think physical contact isn't necessarily the preferred way to show love in asian families. she also suggested an alternative for my housing situation, which is that i "rent" the flat from my third aunt (the one who's letting me stay here temporarily), while i try to apply for a BTO. i am really torn about this idea, because while it does sound good, i don't know how that will affect my future plans. i briefly consulted scary JC friend about it, and her view is that assuming i pay the same for rent as i would for the loan installment (for easy computation), paying rent is less worthwhile because it's not making me money. whereas although money is also flowing out when i'm paying the loan installment, it goes towards buying a place of my own that i can sell in the future for a potential profit. i've got an appointment with her tomorrow to talk about it face to face, and hopefully she'll shed some more light on it.

let's do a quick pros/cons thing, just to give myself a sense of the situation:

rent marine parade + BTO pros

- amazing location (multiple buses to/from work, MRT station right under the block, amenities like food, gym, supermarket, mall - all a stone's throw away)

- high floor (more secure, in a sense - less chance of people breaking in through the window)

- more financial security in the short run (not draining my CPF and bank)

- spending less overall since BTO tends to be cheaper

marine parade cons

- paying rent instead of owning the place outright

- can't stay here forever; still need a place of my own

- potentially depriving my aunt(s) of money

- no guarantee i'll get a BTO at a good location, or even a BTO at all (long wait time)

ubi pros

- my own place; can do it up to my liking

- seems quieter than marine parade

- still have a direct bus to work

- location is guaranteed

- (unsure) seems like i'll be able to sell it for a profit in future?

ubi cons

- worse location (gym and MRT are further away)

- financial insecurity in the near future (CPF and bank)

- taking a HUGE loan (which also means staying employed to service the loan)

- potentially dangerous (second floor, above a coffee shop - higher break-in and fire risks)

i wish i could have the best of both worlds, which would be to buy over the marine parade flat and spend more money on renovating it. the issue is, the asking price is almost double of what i can reasonably set aside, and i really don't think i'm going to get a loan that can fill that gap. so, in the realm of actually feasible choices, i still think i'm more inclined to getting my own place at ubi. of course, it's still a very "heart" decision at this juncture. the "head" part will come when i sit down with scary JC friend tomorrow to crunch numbers.

my aunts and uncle actually drove down to see the place themselves yesterday! that's where my kaypoh/batman detective instinct comes from, i guess. they were pretty against me getting it, especially since it's on the second floor and right above a coffee shop (see above for the explanation why). i mean...yes, there is a risk, but there haven't been any accidents so far, right? having said that, i do appreciate their concern. they also told me that there are 2 units on the third floor for sale - one that i knew about since it was listed on a property website, the other i had no idea about. but then, i'm taking it with a grain of salt, because it was a neighbour kid who told my aunt that the place is for sale, and i don't know how credible that kid's info is. still, i passed the lead along to scary JC friend, and she said she'll help me dig into it a bit. best case is if it turns out to be true and the owners are willing to consider a lower price, worst case is that i stick to the second-floor unit.

alternatively, i suppose there can be a compromise, in that i rent the marine parade flat while looking for a suitable resale flat. it's not my preferred choice because there'll be a lot of uncertainty, but i think it's something i can live with at this point. choosing now is risky to me, because i feel like i don't have enough info to truly make the best decision. good thing that i still have 2 weeks-ish (before my option expires), so i'd better gather as much info as i can in this period!

-random thought of the day: Big decisions are so difficult.-

Some interesting(?) things happened today, and there was something from earlier in the week that i forgot to blog about in the last post. let's do that first.

in very close proximity to the marine parade flat, are a couple of churches. it was the first time i had people come to my door for the purpose of evangelizing. the 2 aunties (i would guess that they're in their late 60s or even early 70s - one was walking with a cane) were not immediately upfront about it too; their introduction line was "we're here to give you a positive message". my batman sense must have kicked in then, because my first question to them was "is this religious in nature?" only then did they say they were christians, upon which i told them i was not interested. it was a fairly civil/pleasant interaction overall; they even wished me a nice day, and i did the same to them. if only it went that smoothly every time! thankfully, i've not been subject to hardcore preaching/evangelization or conversion against my will, but i do know of instances where people became a little too persistent in spreading the word.

this second thing isn't interesting in a good way per se. so i was taking the train back from tuition, and standing in the space where 2 train cars join. as the train approached my stop, a guy (could be anywhere from 17-24 years old) came walking down the cabin carrying an armful of books, and i moved aside for him. nothing out of the ordinary so far, right? when the train stopped, he proceeded to run out when the doors opened, throw his books and bag down, and have a meltdown on the train platform. it was bad...i mean like, banging his head against a pillar, shouting swear words and other intelligible things at the top of his voice kind of bad. i have no idea what set him off, but he did seem to be with some people. and since there wasn't much i could do anyway, i just took the escalator up and did my best to ignore it. no point making them feel worse about it by staying around and gawking, right? the curious part of me did wonder though, what caused it? i heard him shouting out numbers, so i wonder if he's neurodivergent and something triggered an episode. as bad as this next bit sounds, seeing that also made me grateful that i never lost control of myself in the cheating saga. i'm willing to bet that some alternate universe me did something evil. and honestly, i did think about several things that could have landed me in jail...or worse. but as long as those thoughts stay in my head, that should be fine, right?

another interesting thing i did was to try walking to the market opposite my aunt's place. due to the construction of marine parade community centre, it necessitated walking through 2 underground MRT stations. i quite like the idea of having underpasses in that area, especially since traffic can get heavy along that stretch of road. maybe they're working towards phasing out above-ground traffic crossings in this area? i'd be totally for it. i went to explore the market/shops/coffee shop there, and i found out that the giant there sells salmon for cheaper than NTUC. am i going to walk there every day to get my salmon fix? unlikely. it was quite a nostalgia blast, as i walked past the 7-11 that my cousins and i would go to for the occasional slurpee or other snacks. honestly i'm a little surprised that it's still there, but i'm happy all the same. and no, i didn't get any snacks for old time's sake.

but that wasn't even the highlight of my evening walk. somewhat on a whim, i decided to send his best friend a message to tell her that we'd split, and to thank her for advocating for me. she actually advised him to try and save our relationship when he went to talk to her about the whole situation, but he obviously didn't listen. she replied to my message, and was so awesome and considerate about the whole thing. she said she felt so bad when he told her about the other guy, she couldn't sleep that night! talking to her gave me an even stronger sense of vindication, because although SRC and scary JC friend have been awesome in supporting me, they're kind of in "my camp" (having said that, i am still beyond sure that they would give it to me straight if they ever thought i was to blame). to have someone who's supposed to be in the "opposing camp" actually express sympathy for my situation and anger/disgust at her friend's behaviour...that's a whole different kind of impact right there.

even more interestingly, we kind of figured out that he wasn't exactly truthful when explaining the situation to her. for one, since when were we ever in an open relationship!?? if we were, he wouldn't have hesitated to tell me about the third party, and i would have given him my blessings just like that when he did. she also told me that he had a habit of doing mental gymnastics (my phrasing, not hers) to find support for his views in the things they said, even when they were obviously not supportive. hello, red flag city! i jokingly told her i wish she'd told me this the first time we met, that might have saved me a month's worth of heartache. to her credit, she did tell me he was stubborn at that time, but i never imagined his stubbornness would be used in this context. like i told her, i thought he'd be stubborn about choosing holiday destinations, or something that didn't jeopardize the relationship!

knowing what i know now, i think i have a better insight into his thought process. he went onto hinge for whatever reason and caught feelings for this guy. he was so attracted to the new guy, he wanted him in his life at all costs...even misremembering/misconstruing our converations (either accidentally or on purpose) to believe that we were in an open relationship to justify his actions. for the record, he didn't tell the guy that he was partnered until after he confessed his cheating to me. i believe he tried to have the best of both worlds by trying to date us simultaneously, but when i put up resistance to that idea and when the other guy wasn't willing to go for my compromise of the 3 of us all dating each other, he possibly saw me as a threat to his happiness and to his relationship with the new guy, hence i became the "enemy" which in his mind, justified him going behind my back and not sparing any thought for me or my feelings. i have to admit, i'm absolutely stunned. gobsmacked, even! this could be my worst mistake in character judgement so far. or at least top 2, easy. i'm due to catch up with the best friend soon, to kind of fill her in on the situation and see what other inconsistencies there are in what he told her. to be clear, my goal is not to destroy their friendship. whether she chooses to distance herself or even ditch him, i have no say. don't think she will though, but that's 100% her decision to make.

reaching out can bring interesting revelations. more and more, i'm believing that i didn't know the actual person i was dating. and perhaps it might be premature to say this because i foresee a few more crying sessions and ruminations, but i'm increasingly convinced that i wasted my tears and feelings on him. i absolutely can no longer reconcile the guy i met, who seemed like he would bulldoze through any obstacle for us, with this CB who was selfish enough to meet the third party behind my back, and lie to me about it. is this another step towards healing? i think so, and the next step is meeting the best friend. i really like her! she reminds me of scary JC friend, just less scary. and they've known each other since secondary school, so i'm betting that the conversation will be insightful. well, let's see what new things i learn from it! 

-random thought of the day: Feeling better, oddly enough!-

With distance and time, comes clarity. and with clarity, comes healing. it's been 5 days since i moved into marine parade, and it's been good on a whole. sure, the water pressure is weak and the air cooler is loud, but those are minor inconveniences that i can very well live with. it's such an awesome feeling to wake up at 8:00am and know that i'm still going to be on time for work. i'm now living close enough to the office that i was able to take a bus down on my work from home day to meet my colleagues for lunch the other day - something that i'd never be able to do from sengkang! i've also been getting reacquainted with the area a little, starting with buying stuff from NTUC. just some essentials and food, mainly. sad news is that the gas tank in the kitchen is empty, so i can't cook. i guess i'm treating this like renting a place in the UK - temporary accommodations until my permanent place is settled.

mentally/emotionally, i'm doing ok. certainly better than a week ago! haven't heard from him since i left, which i'm perfectly fine with. i doubt he'll reach out to me anyway, after what went down those last 2 days. and it's not like i want to hear from him, either! unfortunately, the odd negative thought does pop up in my mind throughout the day, usually replaying the confrontation and associated events, or thinking about how it all went to hell, what i could have done differently (not necessarily to save the relationship, but to reduce the hurt i suffered), and how he could be selfish to the point of completely disregarding my feelings. it sometimes derails my ongoing train of thought, which is not optimal. i'll probably need a whole post to articulate my feelings about the matter. and i don't feel quite ready/prepared to talk about it yet, because disorganized as my thoughts are now, i think i'll forget certain important points or have a flawed analysis. well, there's no real rush or deadline (except the 4 month thing, though i think i'm mostly out of the danger zone already), so maybe i'll do it while clearing leave later this year or after moving in to the new place. i think i'll just leave this as a reminder for myself though: as much as i'm not at fault, i also do believe that i have things to learn from this whole experience.

not much to update on the new place, i'm still within the 21-day exclusivity period. earlier in the week, a new listing came up for another unit in the same block, but it's cheaper by $30 000. scary JC friend checked it out for me, and it seems that there are some complications as far as timeline and actual price go. so the plan is still to stick to the current unit, while occasionally checking the various property websites to see if something better gets listed in this interim period. if not, then we'll exercise the option towards the end of the guaranteed period. from there on, there's no turning back. and that's actually terrifying! it's the biggest loan i've taken in my life so far, and the thought of having to stay employed to service it...stress. not that i want to stop working now, but there's always the chance of becoming unemployed not of my own volition. 

i did think about it a bit - who or what am i living for? my personal belief is that life is about experiencing new things. but what if i don't want to experience new things any more, if i decide that ok, this is enough and i've gotten all i want/all i can get out of life? it's a little scary, to think that the rat race and being able to afford a home makes up such a big part of life (at least here in singapore). and i guess a fear of mine that's becoming increasingly big as time goes by is, what if i end up being alone for life? as much as i believe that having a partner is not necessary for a meaningful life, i think having one and being in a happy relationship certainly makes things better. caveat here is that the relationship actually has to add happiness/value to your life! i also don't think i want to make my whole life's purpose about finding "the one". it seems shallow, in a sense? anyway, i guess i'm back to the stage where i'm indifferent to dying. not that i WANT to, but it's like, as long as i don't suffer while it's happening, it's fine.

for some reason, i notice that my sleep quality hasn't been that good recently. might be the noisy air cooler, me sleeping a little later than usual, or something else. it's to the point where i've been taking 30-minute power naps during lunch break when working from home. the best case is that it's just acclimatization; that i'm still getting used to everything. worst case is that the unresolved stuff in my head is affecting me more than i thought. at least i don't feel like i'm in any danger of going off the deep end.

over the next few weeks, the main thing on my plate is probation assessment. if i submit the case i have on hand now, i should have 20-ish points, leaving me with another 3 weeks to get about 2 points. very doable. i just hope that they don't extend/fail me because of other reasons. but i know that if i were to fail, there would be at least 3-4 people who would fail alongside me. not that i want to drag them into the mud or anything, just that the company might not be able to justify failing me that easily. so i guess i should be relieved at that. another significant thing is renovating the new place. i've got some ideas about what i want to do, but nothing solid yet. still trying to decide whether i want a full open-plan thing or to have half a wall to make the kitchen entrance smaller. if we exercise the option within this month, the hand/takeover takes another month, and renovation takes another 2-3 months, i could only be moving in at the end of this year or even early next year. that's well within the timeline, since my aunt told me that i could use marine parade for about 6 months. the snag would be if there was some sort of delay in any of those processes, or if the marine parade place sold early. but i figure odds of any of those happening are low.

still unsure of how i'm going to spend my first weekend here. well, there'll be tuition on saturday, which kind of settles one day. i might take an evening walk to the mall and check the gym out (doubt it'll be staffed at that time, though), or maybe drop in on my aunt? i'm in two minds on whether i need to relearn how to spend alone time. part of me says yes, because as you see, i'm looking for company. but the other part says no, because my default mode is solitary. like, apart from the interactions in the office, i've been alone at home, and it's been fine. mostly. whatever the case, i know that healing can't be rushed. like i mentioned above, i see this period as a transition, so i don't think i'm ready to go all out yet. i'll just do the best i can for now, and let my heart tell me when it's feeling up to expanding the comfort zone.

-random thought of the day: One day at a time.-

August was, to put it bluntly, a shitshow. and since humans have this odd habit of taking "significant" dates (eg. the start of a year) to have new beginnings, i thought that it's 1 september today, so new month, new me? ehh, close enough. it kind of is, in a way, because i moved out a week ahead of schedule and am now in marine parade. i think i will talk just a bit about what went down during the move yesterday.

so after the whole confrontation, i didn't sleep until something like 4:30am? and i woke up at 7:30am, but i think the adrenaline kept me running. explains why i didn't feel tired then, but felt so absolutely shattered today. despite him saying that we'd talk, he left the house while i was packing, and wasn't back by the time i left. i don't know if he wrote me a final message in our relationship journal (i haven't checked), but his actions over the past month and especially in the last week have made me lose all respect for him as a person. i'm half tempted to assign him a new codename of NB (abbreviation of "no balls"), but we'll see how i feel about that in the future.

as for the actual move, scary JC friend drove down to help me. we loaded the stuff and brought everything over to marine parade in one trip. go us! my aunt and uncle were there too, to help me install an air cooler and reroute the exhaust. i was happier/prouder than i thought i would be to introduce scary JC friend to them! in a text conversation we had later that night, she told me that if she was in a situation where she needed someone to bail her out or help in some way, she'd think of me first. it's incredibly touching! i had a weird thought - what if i were straight? would we end up dating? we did kind of talk about this before, and the consensus we reached was that we were too different as people to be a couple. you know, higher expectations and all that. actually, i think the reason we work so well together is because we're not physically attracted to each other in the slightest. who says people of the opposite gender cannot be platonic friends only?

one good thing was that i managed to talk to his dad, and express my gratitude for his (the dad's) kindness. i was quite tickled when the dad said, "i don't know what he's thinking". my guess is the dad knows/believes his son is in the wrong, but you know, it's not like i can ask him to hate his own son. i left my number with the dad, and i'm happy that we managed to part on a good note. i also hope that we'll maintain contact in some way or form in the future. as for him, part of me regrets not slapping him. it's to the point where my arm involuntarily twitched and i experienced something similar to fight or flight on several occasions while i was spaced out today! luckily i didn't end up actually hitting anyone or anything in the office, that would have been really hard to explain. at this point, i still have intrusive thoughts about the whole thing, like, what if i'd made a scene on saturday night, or actually slapped/punched him in front of his dad on sunday morning? thankfully i'm able to push those thoughts aside fairly well, and i expect that it will become even easier with time.

i tend to seek support when bad things happen to me. so, i just posted in the discord server that my cohort of JETs made. surprisingly, one of them (who's left JET but is still based in japan) was back for a short visit, and she made some time to meet me for lunch today. she reaffirmed most things that others have told me - it's not my fault, he would have cheated anyway if he was so inclined, etc. turns out her father cheated on her mother, so i guess she could empathize too. talking to her is always interesting, because she's quite open to topics which others may consider sensitive. for instance, she was telling me about her new boyfriend, and her description went, "he's tall, a few years older, looks cute, and is good in bed". not many people would tell their friends that last one, i don't think! regarding the whole thing, she mentioned that cheaters are usually dissatisfied about something. not necessarily a deal-breaking thing, but they're looking for that thing in the third party. i think that's looking for a quick fix instead of being willing to work things out, and i don't approve. and one even more important thing - if someone will cheat with you, odds are they'll cheat on you too. so...yeah. good luck to the third party. in my friend's words, the trash took itself out.

bit of bad news in another realm...i got outbid for my #1 choice of flat. seems like the selling agent is inexperienced, in that she told us that we'd be able to close at $470 000, but then said that she'd need to ask the seller after we offered it. scary JC friend and i believe that she was fishing for a higher price, and it just so happened that the other party was able to afford it. oh well. that means we're gunning for choice #2. while it's not my ideal situation, it's still well within my tolerance. the slightly more troublesome thing is that we need to do renovations, which will cost another $35 000-ish depending on what we actually do, and thus my total cash outlay is about the same. i suppose it's good in a sense, since i'll have more control over things and can adjust them to my exact likes/specifications.

let's see. on the list so far, we have (these are all still tentative at this point):

- demolishing the storeroom and living room wall to make an open-plan space

- doing up both bathrooms

- retiling the kitchen and getting rid of the step between the kitchen and living room

- installing air-cons

- repainting at least the master bedroom

- replacing/repositioning the electrical outlets

i'm sure there are other minor works that have slipped my mind or that i didn't even consider/don't know about. good thing also is that we can do it in phases, but i think i will want all the heavy stuff done first so that there's minimal disruption to daily life. this is something for me to really focus on when i'm 100% alert and in the zone, ie. not now.

breaking news! we just closed on #2. scary JC friend called me, i transferred the $1000 option fee, and that means we have 21 days where we have exclusive rights to buy the flat. the owner can't rescind the option even if someone offers them a higher price in these 21 days! so that $1000 basically bought me some security. the owner kind of wins too, because they keep the money even if i decide not to buy the place. what that means is, i'd better buy it and not waste the $1000! unless a more amazing flat comes up in the near future, but i won't place too high hopes on that. and you know, the whole thing about birds in hands and bushes.

pretty sure there's more that i want to say, but i really could use a good sleep. the added benefit about living in marine parade is that i can literally leave the house at 8:30am and make it to work on time! that's 45 minutes saved each morning, which can be used to do chores, yoga, a simple exercise routine, or as i'm going to do tomorrow, sleep in!

-random thought of the day: Things are looking up!-