Let's get this post started by talking about food, both figurative and literal. meal prep this week turned out pretty good. my "anything goes" soup/stew tasted better than i thought it would at the point of cooking it. guess the stock made from one chicken's worth of bones wasn't strong enough, nor simmered long enough. but the magic thing is, after storing it in the fridge for a couple of days, the flavour got so much better! tasted deeper, somehow. right now, i know that the soup/stew (stoup?) can last up to 4 days in the fridge, considering i cooked the whole lot on monday night and finished the last box today. adding ramen eggs was a good idea, too. helps with the protein content and makes it more filling. and one other interesting trick i kind of did without fully realizing the ramifications - thicken it with a bit of corn starch. when chilled, it becomes viscous enough to not splash around in the box. yet, when reheated, it becomes about as runny as soup, which lightens the dish somewhat. looks like i'll be cooking more often from now on. have to explore the use of soy sauce as seasoning instead of salt, and incorporating fish into a few portions.
still on literal food, i had dinner with my scary JC friend (scary for short) and our other friend. it was at ikoi, which is a japanese restaurant at hotel miramar. turns out scary eats there often enough to be acquainted with the sushi chef, so we enjoyed a higher level of service, and some off-menu items! the standard offering is that it's a japanese buffet, with sushi, sashimi, and cooked items. normally, you have to order whatever you want, but since we were eating with a regular customer, the food just kept coming. as she put it, all we had to do was sit down and eat. i could get used to it, but i doubt it'll be possible if i go alone. for $45 (after ++), it was a very satisfying meal. catching up with my other friend was nice, too. as mentioned in the last post, we hadn't seen each other since J2. in the interim, it seems that he got a degree in engineering, and is now working as an insurance agent. that's something that i can't see myself doing, because i'm a lousy salesman. so i do respect people who are willing to put themselves out there like that. the nice thing was that he was clear between work and socialization, in that he didn't try to sell me anything. not sure if he'll try in the future, but i believe my friend/agent has me covered already. we had an enjoyable evening catching up and discussing a wide range of topics. should do it again sometime.
transitioning to figurative food, talking with scary really gave me a lot of food for thought. i'll try to fit what she said in between my own thoughts about the relationship. perhaps let's start with some background info. in the 3 months last year that the date decided that we shouldn't date, i met up with scary for advice. at that point, she told me that she didn't like the date already. that sentiment hasn't changed, as she told me last night. so just remember that in the background as you read.
i had wanted to message the date today, but figured that i had better sort out everything in my head first. i guess a good place to start would be, how do i feel about the relationship now? i feel that there's still hope. there's things that i'm unhappy about, and some of which i've voiced out. of course, i'm not the perfect partner, so definitely bear in mind that i have shortcomings, too. i suppose one thing that kind of irks me is that the date doesn't seem to want to get involved with my interests. instead, they'd rather bring me into something that they like. to be fair, they have also said that i don't have to try and pick up something just because they enjoy it, so i can opt out anytime. actually, i think the date is rather smart in doing this. because by not trying things that i've had more exposure to, and bringing me into their area of expertise (eg. magic), they sort of retain superiority and avoid looking bad. previously, the date had said that they didn't want to do judo because they'd get all sweaty and messy. i kind of accepted that, until they wanted to play laser tag recently. doesn't that get you sweaty too? and besides, i do have other interests, like FFXIV (too fast-paced for them, they said), or mahjong (doesn't like gambling, but we don't have to play for money). in my ideal world, my partner and i would try each other's hobbies out. like, i don't need my partner to pursue judo to the black belt level, but at least come for one session to know what it's about. and on a more practical note, learning breakfalls is extremely useful. likewise, i would be open to trying my partner's activities, even though i may suck at them. goodness. imagine if i date an artist or musician! but even then, i'd be persuaded to go back for a second session, provided the first session was a positive experience. likewise, i'd be sure to make learning judo enjoyable for my partner, and be extra careful. i guess that's where the current date kind of fell short. no doubt they were extremely patient in clearing my doubts and explaining the rules of magic to me, once we played against each other, all the gloves were off. ok, that may not be fair. according to them, they did give concession. but as i've said before, their teaching style falls under "tough love", aka. learn from mistakes. while it works for someone with a deep interest in the game already, it only turns away those who are merely curious, or are trying it for the first time. and i obviously got turned off towards it.
but you know, even if we had no interests in common, and only walked around or went exploring new areas during dates, i'd be fine. the next issue is a bit more serious, i think. and it's double standards. if you remember the whole clothes saga last year, the date gave me a choice between them and my principle of keeping to my word. scary mentioned that this was similar, in that the date had a choice between their principles and me. either the date stuck to principles and played normally, or prioritized my enjoyment and played so that i won, or didn't lose so horribly with my hands tied. you obviously know which one they chose. if i wanted to be narrow-minded, i could say that the date is doing this for revenge. since i chose my principle over them at the time, they are choosing their principle over me now. if that's true, a relationship built on vindictiveness is not worth having. on a somewhat related note, i believe that as much as possible, you should honour your word. this was actually the crux of the whole clothes saga - the date promised me something, and broke the promise the very next day. as a result, they are now rather non-committal in promising me anything, because they're afraid that i'll "use their words against them". it kind of annoys me, because i do not believe that a person should give his word unless he can follow through. and therefore, there should never be an opportunity to use one's words against himself. if a promise can't be fulfilled, apologize and explain why. that's simple enough, right?
continuing the bit on double standards, i feel that the date doesn't always practise what they preach. for instance, i am on bad terms with some people who i'm related to. the date is always telling me to be nice, to make up, reconcile. yet, the date has issues with a relative as well! i don't know exactly what their conflict is about, so i'm not inclined to interfere. the date doesn't know about my conflict either, so i find it kind of unfair that they expect me to make up without trying to find out more first. even nice counsellor lady said that perhaps leaving the situation like this might be better. the date called it escapist. so i'm wondering why the date doesn't do something about their own conflict as well.
observing the trend of our arguments, it seems that i'm always the first one to want to reconcile. not surprising, seeing as i'm the more desperate one in the relationship. even when the date was in the wrong, i'd be the first to send a message wanting to talk, or work things out. scary told me that sooner or later, i'd reach my limit in giving in, at which point the relationship would well and truly be over. and sometimes, it seems like i'm the only one fighting for the relationship, or even taking it seriously, for that matter. the date is quite fond of saying things like "in that case i'll friendzone you", which to me, is not something to be joked about. i can take a joke, i can handle constructive criticism, or even the blunt truth. but some things which aren't conducive to a relationship should not be brought up at all.
as a scientist, i tend to look for consistency between different pieces of evidence. simplest example: the NMR should match the mass spec (doesn't always happen, but as far as possible). the biggest thing that makes me uneasy is that somehow, i get the feeling that not all pieces of evidence match in this relationship. for instance, the date has never said "i love you" or even "i like you". instead, they tell me to look for it in their actions. to be fair again, their actions reflect that they care. their gifts are well thought-out, though a bit excessive. if i were to be paranoid again, i'd say that gifts are compensating for not actually wanting to be seriously in a relationship with me, or for somehow not feeling that attracted to me - hence no "i like you". although to be a bit more rational, this may just be from having different love languages, and me underestimating the intentions and feelings behind the gifts.
for a while now, i've been getting the feeling that the date doesn't like me for who i am right now. rather, the feeling i get is that they're trying to make me into their image of the ideal guy. i admit, there are things that i can/should improve on. at the same time, i don't think that trying to force me to change some things that i see no problem with, and using the prospect of being "official" as motivation, is right. why do i think the date is doing this? because from what i know about their character, they make decisions very quickly. so for them to still hesitate to call me their boyfriend after 11 months is really uncharacteristic. scary's hypothesis is that i'm convenient (companion, transport) and the date is just going along and seeing how long it'll last. it sounds a bit harsh to me. at any rate, shouldn't you love someone when they are being themself? sure, some minor flaws can be highlighted, but i don't think it's right for one party to be all "change to suit me, or else".
it'll probably be no surprise to you that scary has recommended that i end this relationship. she says that i'm basically disposable to the date. i don't quite agree. in my opinion, the date has been serious about the relationship, and trying to make it work. perhaps they may not be trying hard enough, or we are so far apart in terms of character that even though we both try our hardest, we can't completely bridge the gap? for myself, i can honestly say that i've been putting all my effort into it. i wonder if a couple ever knows how much the other person sacrifices. like for me, i see that the date can be unreasonable at times. but maybe the date would have cut and run if it had been someone else. or the date hears me use profanity a lot, but what they don't realize is that none of it is ever directed at them. i have no issue calling my close friends CBs if their behaviour warrants it, but the harshest word i've ever used on the date was...gosh, i don't even know. i can't even recall ever swearing at the date. so that's one way which i try to be sensitive to the date's feelings.
analysis time. best-case scenario: we work out all the issues between us, come to an understanding, and become stronger as a couple. worst-case scenario: ugly breakup. my taiwanese postdoc friend was telling me that if we couldn't be partners, maybe we could be friends? considering that the date's mother seems to like me well enough, i would hope that it's possible if we do end up no longer dating. it's strange...unlike the previous times, i don't feel as desperate to resume communication, or to resolve things. not saying that i don't want to do any of that, but it no longer has to be immediate. maybe this is my mind preparing me for the worst-case scenario. well...it's getting late, so i figure i'll message the date tomorrow and see how things go.
scary was also telling me about the difference between mahjong and poker. unexpectedly, it gave me some insights towards my feelings about magic. she was telling me that although she's good at poker, she doesn't like playing, because there's an element of deception. like, if you have good cards, you have to trick your opponents into going all in with you. and if you have bad cards, you have to pretend they're good so that everyone else will fold. though it's not quite the same, magic works similarly in the sense that players will typically try to make their opponent believe that they're weaker than expected. then when the opponent has invested in an attack, the player will find a way to counter it, or otherwise make the opponent's attack ineffective. and there's the whole interrupt thing, which i extremely dislike as well. for mahjong, there's no deception. not the way we play, anyway. i'm very honest about my tiles...i'll answer honestly provided it doesn't give away what tiles i need. the closest thing to a lie would be someone waiting for an unexpected tile, which is still fair by the rules of the game. maybe that's it.
guess i should head off to bed. second gym session with the trainer tomorrow morning, then mahjong with scary in the afternoon. playing with her, her boyfriend, and her dad. should be fun. good thing that tomorrow's a public holiday; free parking at her place! after that, i think it may be time to arrange a dinner which i've been putting off for a while. prompt for the next post: things to consider in the event of a breakup.
-random thought of the day: Buy air freshener.-
