A sudden urge is consuming me. this urge is telling me to open the nearest window, stick my head out as far as possible, and scream like an excited schoolgirl. i've just found something interesting. not going to say what it is, but it should keep me happy for a while. once again, i scare myself with the things i can do/find out when i set my mind to it.

this should be my last post for about 5 days or so. pre-u sem starts tomorrow, and throughout its 5 day duration, i don't think i'll have any internet access. so i doubt there'll be any updates unless i get hold of a computer for a while (which is pretty unlikely), or i miss blogging so much that i blog from my phone (and incur a huge phone bill for GPRS).

while i'm on the topic of the pre-u sem, i have a confession to make. I AM INADEQUATELY PREPARED!!! and there's this feeling of general half-assedness now. i attribute this mainly to the fact that i've done about 3% of the packing. this means that i have to get up early tomorrow and put everything together. fear/uncertainty aside, there's also a great sense of anticipation, for two main reasons. that i'll meet new (hopefully nice) people, and that i'll get to see some secondary school friends who are now in other JCs. it should be a nice reunion of sorts.

i feel like watching madagascar tomorrow, before i have to be in school. this is largely because i watched monster-in-law (which, by the way, was hilarious) today, thanks to some persuasion (read "arm-twisting"). honestly, i don't know why i'm practically going nuts over a movie that's meant for an audience aged 10 and below. but then again, i also don't understand why so many people (both older and younger than 17) go for spongebob. it seems to be one of life's mysteries which i will only fully comprehend after meditating at length under a tree. or it could be because Alex the lion is so cute. yes, i know "lion" doesn't go with "cute", but have you seen the trailers? i can't think of a better word to describe him, although i know a friend of mine would use "retarded". but that's another story.

oh well. it's getting late. better go off to sleep. have to look my best for the ministers and any other important people who will be present tomorrow. be back in 5 days' time.

It's been a while since my last post. basically, there have been few significant events for the past few days. these events are namely the listening compre/GP, 1T20 outing, and Judo outing(?).

first of all, GP paper, or rather, exams in general. somehow, i forsee myself dorpping a subject, or even *gasp* remaining a J1 next year. which is why i must work against that happening. but judging from the GP paper, i don't think i'm that successful so far. i'm expecting anywhere between 45 to 55. i think i may fail the compre section. so scary. anyway, we have the holidays to study for the remaining papers.

the 1T20 outing after the GP paper was pretty fun. can anyone say "massive pool-ing"? also realized that i have been playing for such a long time with very little improvement to my game. i'm still not up to par as comapred to the some (majority) of the other guys in class. oh well. i roughly know where my weaknesses are, and can (and should) work harder on improving them. now if only i could do the same for school...

today wasn't exactly a Judo outing, more of a home visit. it was really really fun. and the food was really really good. but that's besides the point. i think it's these types of bonding activities that will ultimately make the most lasting friendships and memories. only downside for today was that i left my nice 1L water bottle at SJI. have to get a new one, and this means wasting $$. *sigh* and i'm not exactly the richest person in the world. and even if i was, i'd still find it a terrible waste. oh well. but i must admit, it was fun, and gratifying to a certain extent, to see all the bosses, with all their mad Judo skills, get "defeated" by 2 kids.

i'm definitely disadvantaged. the first two weeks of my june break are being eaten up by the pre-u seminar as well as NYAA. so fun, scary and tiring. i'm really starting to worry that i'll have insufficient study time. that's life i guess. win some, lose some.

-thingy of the day: Tired-ness.-

Gensoumaden Saiyuki 2nd End Theme
Alone - Shimokawa Mikuni

kawaita kaze ga fuku
machi wa kogoete-iru
ikutsu no kisetsu ga sotto oto mo naku
sugisatta no darou

yukikau hito wa mina
omoi nimotsu seotte
tooku ni yureru kagerou no naka ni
ashita wo mitsukeru

kono te wo koboreochiru
suna no you na kanjou
ano toki mune ni sasatta
kotoba ga fui ni uzuku kedo

hatenai yoru wo kazoe nagara
jibun no kakera sagashite-ita
ushinau hodo ni kono omoi ga
tashika ni natte'ku
ima nara kitto aruite yukeru doko made mo

doushite kono sora wa
konna ni hiroi no darou
sakende mite mo koe ni naranakute
namida ga afureta

jiyuu ni kaze kitte
tori-tachi wa doko e yuku no?
sugoshita jikan no you ni
onaji basho ni modorenai

kono mama yume wo akiramete mo
takanaru kodou osae kirenai
itsuka wa kitto chikadzukitai
ano kumo no takasa
mou ichido kokoro ni tsubasa hiroge tabidatou

kanarazu tadoritsukeru hazu

hatenai yoru wo kazoe nagara
jibun no kakera sagashite-ita
ushinau hodo ni kono omoi ga
tashika ni natte'ku
ima nara kitto aruite yukeru doko made mo

Translation
A dry breeze is blowing
The city is getting cold
I wonder how many seasons have passed
without even a sound?

All of the people coming and going
bear heavy burdens,
searching for tomorrow
within the heat haze wavering in the distance.

Feelings like sand
falling through my hands...
Back then, the words that pierced my heart
suddenly started to throb with pain, but...

I've searched for pieces of myself,
counting the endless nights all the while.
These feelings are becoming so certain
I almost lose myself.
Right now, without fail, I will walk forward, however far.

I wonder, why is the sky
so vast?
Even though I tried to yell, my voice didn't come
and the tears poured out.

I wonder where the birds are flying off to,
as they freely slice through the wind?
One can't return to the same place
as it once was in days gone by.

Even if I give up my dream like this,
I won't suppress my soaring heartbeat.
Someday, I want to reach
as high as the clouds.
I'll spread wide the wings in my heart and journey once again

I will reach it, without fail.

I've searched for pieces of myself,
counting the endless nights all the while.
These feelings are becoming so certain
I almost lose myself.
Right now, without fail, I will walk forward, however far.

FFX-2 - 1000 Words
I know that you're hiding things
Using gentle words to shelter me
Your words were like a dream
But dreams could never fool me
Not that easily

I acted so distant then
Didn't say goodbye before you left
But I was listening:
You'll fight your battles far from me...
Far too easily

"Save your tears 'cause I'll come back."
I could hear that you whispered as you walked through that door
But still I swore
To hide the pain.
When I turned back the pages:
Shouting might have been the answer...
What if I'd cried my eyes out, and begged you not to depart?
But now I'm not afraid
To say what's in my heart

'Cause a thousand words
Call out through the ages
They'll fly to you
Even though I can't see, I know they're reaching you
Suspended on silver wings

Oh, a thousand words
One thousand embraces
Will cradle you
Making all of your weary days seem far away
They'll hold you forever

Oh, a thousand words
Have never been spoken
They'll fly to you
They'll carry you home, and back into my arms
Suspended on silver wings

And a thousand words
Call out through the ages
They'll cradle you
Turning all of the lonely years to only days
They'll hold you forever

A thousand words...

Xenogears - Smaller of Two Pieces
Run through the cold of the night, as passion burns in your heart.
Ready to fight, a knife held close by your side
Like a proud wolf alone in the dark with eyes that watch the world
And my name like a shadow on the face of the moon.

Broken mirror, a million shades of light,
The old echo fades away.
But just you and I,
Can find the answer and then,
We can run to the end of the world,
We can run to the end of the world.

Cold fire clenched to my heart in the blue of night,
Torn by this pain, I paint your name in sound.
And the girl of the dawn, with eyes of blue, and angel wings,
The sounds of the season are her only crown.

Broken mirror, a million shades of light,
The old echo fades away.
But just you and I,
Can find the answer and then,
We can run to the end of the world,
We can run to the end of the world.

We met in the mist of morning, and parted deep in the night.
Broken sword and shield, and tears that never fall,
But run through the heart.
Washed away by the darkest water,
The world is peaceful and still.

Broken mirror, a million shades of light,
The old echo fades away.
But just you and I,
Can find the answer and then,
We can run to the end of the world,
We can run to the end of the world.

Run to the end of the world.

I'm into sad-sounding songs recently. don't know why. the article in the sunday times said that the songs you listen to are a good indicator of your personality. well, i don't think i'm primarily melancholic and angsty, because, well, i know i'm not. i think it's just a phase which will pass after these songs have been repeated over and over for so long until my entire family can sing them.

so...i missed school and training today. feel rather guilty since this is the first time this term i've had to take an mc. but oh well. not like i was deliberately skipping school or anything. also, not much happened in school today. heard even boss was absent.

my nose feels stuffy. this, while still bad, is a great improvement over 24 hours ago. at least it's not running any more. must be the meds taking effect. and speaking of meds, one of them is supposed to be drowse(?)-inducing. and yet, about 3 hours after taking it, i don't feel that sleepy yet. i guess the past few years have made me more or less immune to its effects.

while slacking around today, i had an interesting thought. it seems like science is applicable to real-life examples. for instance, not going to school for a few days makes you reluctant to get up the next day to go. sounds like inertia, doesn't it? and le chatlier's principle can be applied to juggling all aspects of life.

i think i'm beginning to talk nonsense. maybe i'm not that immune to the meds after all. better go off now. some sleep sure sounds good.

-thingy of the day: wheee. Someone's as high as a kite.-

On friday, 20 may 2005, at about 4:20pm, i saw something so rare that i don't think i'll ever see it again. a COMPLETELY empty PASSESNGER train arrived at bishan station. so cool. anyway, that's the bit of randomness until i find another one.

something's got into my system. literally and metaphorically. let's do "metaphorically" first. yesterday, while walking home from the station, i experienced this sudden, inexplicable rush of happiness which made me want to run, scream, and do generally crazy things. it can't be twin effect, because i don't have a twin, so i'm not entirely sure what might have caused such an odd thing to happen.

the literal sense of the phrase means i'm sick again. flu, as usual. feels totally horrible, even after the 2 flu panadol. damn. think i need to visit my nice doctor again. so, if i get an mc tomorrow, that means i'll only have to attend school for 2 days this week, for less than 7 hours each day. wowee. such a tempting thought. but then, there's training and all the evil lessons which i can't really afford to miss.

i'm feeling so annoyed now. and the fact that my nose is dripping isn't improving the situation very much. to make it worse, my throat is sore either from all that sneezing, or thanks to some type of bacteria or something like that. my conclusion? i'm taking the mc tomorrow, and sleeping now.

-thingy of the day: Please spare 3 seconds and tag!! My board's kind of stagnant.-

Sometimes, blogging comes so naturally to me. too bad this isn't one of those times. i know what i want to say, but i'm not sure what's the best way to say it.

let's just start off with sports day. JC and secondary school sports days are pretty different. secondary school one are long, draggy affairs which tend to go on for about 6 hours or so. JC sports days are less draggy affairs which go on for about the same amount of time, but the time is more well-spent. for example, cheering for your class in volleyball as opposed to stoning on the seats. speaking of my class and volleyball, i think it's worth mentioning that they got first place in the inter-class volleyball competition, beating the scary T23 team. truly commendable.

it's odd. many things are, but right now, this one stands out more than the rest. you know how when you place several people together in one place, they tend to form distinct groups? now look at it from a more macro point. place 26 people in a place called 1T20, or even 1300+ people in the place called CJC. it's inevitable that some people will be left out of the grouping system. i don't know, but even though i officially belong to !t20 and Judo, it feels like i don't belong-belong. know what i mean? it's so...i don't know. everyone (other than you) appears to be forming this really tight-knit "community" and bonding so well. example, i bet that fewer than 10 people in CJC (possibly including ex-cat high people) actually know that i have a blog, and have had it for close to 2 years now. and yet, everywhere i go, i see people who have known each other for a few months already linking to each others' blogs, tagging, etc etc. kind of ironic, isn't it?

even though friendster horoscpoes gave me 5/5 for money, love and attitude today, i don't feel 100% in all aspects, as evident from the above paragraph. i think i need to talk to some people...or maybe just a hug will do.

oh. before i forget. i think what some people say is true. the stage of your life which you will remember the most is secondary school. i mean, look at it this way. primary school was kind of long and draggy, especially when you were a little kid. the days really seem endless. JC is too short. 2 years is hardly enough time to establish new, proper friendships, which is why you may need your friends from secondary school to introduce their friends to you so that your social circle can widen. you don't see that happening as often in the transition from primary to secondary school, do you? i think that's also the reason why so many old boys/girls enjoy visiting their alma mater(s) (plural?) so much. if i could, i think i'd choose to do my A-levels in cat high. less pain of transition. but then again, "the only constant in the universe is change". so maybe change is beneficial for us.

i'm feeling particularly angsty today. i think it's because i've lost my driving force. everything's suddenly becoming pointless. i have to be more motivated. i'm a 4-As student after all. qoute, "You're (us/we're) supposed to be how pro!!?" pro i shall be. there's training tomorrow. still feeling a bit sore. oh well. what's a little soreness when you're (trying to be) pro?

-thingy of the day: I will scream bloody murder if Blogger decides to eat this long long post up.-

Today was my first training in 1.5 weeks. oh wow. luckily the pace was a bit slacker today. but it was still tiring. if it wasn't tiring, it wouldn't be one of the sports that burns the most calories in an hour. luckily i could keep up.

apparently, all the J1s aren't going for the june grading exam. this, of course, means that we get to wear the nice white things a bit longer before we get the nicer yellow ones. darn. well, it doesn't really matter. not being promoted is better than not being ready for the promotion and getting it anyway.

i think my cousin's on to something. dreams become weirder as stress increases. a few nights ago, i vaguely remember dreaming about something involving vampires, stilts and school buses. ah, the wonder that is my mind.

yesterday, i had a rather enlightening talk with my ex-chem teacher, the great Mr Lee *bow*. he was saying that i should not take the S-paper as i would definitely lose out to some of the people in the top 5. come to think of it, he has a point. CJC is just barely A-level standard. i must try to seek help elsewhere, or i'll never be up to S-paper standard. quite depressing. the S-paper was something i'd thought about doing since mid-sec 4. unfortunately, some dreams have to die. but equally fortunately, this is not one of those dreams. i have to do it, because i believe i can, and because...well, actually, that's reason enough.

sports day tomorrow. can anyone say "5.5 hours of slack time"? looks like it could get pretty boring. oh well. if nothing else, it'll be a good time to catch up on sleep. i wonder if anyone has any plans for after the event ends?

-thingy of the day: Do not dwell in the past, or try to live in the future. Just stay in the present and do things a day at a time.-

So far, i think the worst of the week is over. only physics test left, and econs MCQ. physics should be open-book, but i think my pass is still just barely within reach. will have to stretch more than normal to acheive it. chem test was also a total letdown. somehow, i don't think i'll meet my expectation. to think that i thought that i had almost mastered energetics. well, it seems like >34/40 is not possible.

looking elsewhere, it looks like my weekends will be filled to the brim with activities. this week, there's something at sentosa planned to take advantage of the long weekend. next week, there's a Judo barbecue. after that, it's pre-u seminar and NYAA. so exhausting. but on the bright side, i'm going to enjoy every single event.

as mentioned in the previous post, i've missed 3 training sessions in the past week. tremendous guilt. it appears there's a new addition to the team who can stomp us so far into the ground that people can't even hear us cry for help any more. if anyone finds this odd, take note that i said new to the team, not the sport. overwhelming amounts of zi bei-ness. whee.

-thingy of the day: If your parents never had children, you probably won't too.-

This weekend was spent a bit more friutfully than the last. of course, "fruitful" not being measured in the amount of work i did, but rather, how much of the time was spent constructively, work or not.

term 2's almost up!! oh wow. just 2 more weeks to the end. something tells me that the next few days aren't going to be easy. anyway, in total, i have 6 days of lessons left (10 - sports day - vesak day - day before GP exam - exam day itself) until the holidays 2 week study break. come to think of it, it could be extended to 3 weeks because i missed the pre-u seminar breifing, and that's because gastric flu loves me. i wonder if i'll be kicked out of the list? quite frankly, i'm not hoping against a "no". but i'm not hoping for it either. whichever way it goes, i'll still stand to lose, either on valuable experience and a nicer profile, or quite a substantial bit of free time.

haven't been attending training lately. missed one on thursday (personal), one on saturday (sick), and will miss one more on tuesday (NYAA). this will most definitely not leave a good impression on the bosses. and even though they say the spots for nationals are open to everyone, they aren't telling the complete truth. sure, all the spots are open, but they're more or less "reserved" already. oh well.

tomorrow isn't really that much of a killer by our other days' standards. but there is a maths and chem test. not too confident for maths, and probably overconfident for chem. such is my life. have to study for both, just to be safe. have to know definitions as well. and all those irritating trigo formulae.

i'm not looking forward to school.

-thingy of the day: There's a quote in my head somewhere, but it disappears as soon as I get here.-

Savage Garden - Affirmation

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self-esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse TV evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

[repeat to fade]

Haven't done a lyrics post in quite a while. this song is pretty meaningful, don't you think? scary thing is, i agree with just about all the "i believe"s in the song. must be because savage garden and i are on a common wavelength. and it's not only for this particular song. i love just about everything in their albums.

since i promised no complaint or anything about studies in this post, so i'll just go on to say that the evil higher powers of fanfiction writing have bestowed a muse upon me. just when i don't really need it. i'm so tempted to chuck homework into a mouldy corner and start writing until 3am or so. basically, the story revolves around the theme "As soon as our eyes met, both of us knew we were meant for each other." sounds so story-book-like. but throw in a few twists, some awkward situations, and give them jobs which are out of the ordinary, and i think it'll be great. i still have another piece of fanfiction in the works (from last october or so). have to find time to round it off. i really hate to leave my readers hanging. that is, if any readers still remember it.

anyway, i've got quite a bit of maths to do. *sigh* off i go.

-thingy of the day: It's all right to have butterflies in your stomach before an important occasion. Just make sure they're flying in formation.-

"The lure of far-off places has gotten to you. It might have been one too many tough days lately, or that phone call from someone you've been missing. Either way, how about giving in and going somewhere?" -Friendster horoscope.

oh boy. i'd kill for a chance to throw everything out of the window and slack for a week. and it doesn't matter that the june holidays are coming. this year's june is full of activities. pre-u seminar and NYAA totally occupying the first 2 weeks, followed by studying for the mid-years. very very little slacking time.

from some of my actions recently, i can make 2 conclusions. either i really love my classroom, or my memory is failing. i can't seem to take everything with me when i leave school. on friday, it was my file. today, it was my watch. i'm just wondering when i'll leave my bag behind and go home empty-handed.

i'm slightly annoyed with myself. my test scores are dropping. econs - 9/20 and 13/20 for DRQ and MCQ. chem - 17/20. could have been a perfect score though. it's irritating when you perform below expectations. i think i'm talking about grades and work too much. next post will not contain anything about academics.

funny...i'm still tired even though i just had a 2-hour nap. oh well. must presevere. ecoms overview due tomorrow.

-thingy of the day: Forgetting a meaningful quote is as good as not even having one.-

Once again, my academic life has me worrying to no end. i think i may fail econs and maths in the mid-year. more worried about maths though. still can't manage trigo. and i think i'll die during econs tutorial tomorrow. for you see, my econs lecture notes are in school, in the file which yours truly forgot to bring home last friday. pure geniusness. and guess what? tutorial's the second lesson of the day. relatively little time to do a structure overview on an entire chapter, wouldn't you say?

i think i'm beginning to question my choices. the main questions being, "Why JC?" and "Why CJC?" well, the only logical answer i can think of is, "because i said so." i'm beginning to sound like a confused little boy. but we have to live with our choices, something which watching Coach Carter served to re-emphasize. incidentally, the movie was really good, with a pretty unexpected ending. 4/5. back to the subject of choices, i wonder what would have happened if i had stayed and given SA a shot. honestly, i don't know, and will most probably never find out. although i doubt things would have fallen quite so nicely into place as with CJC.

i must admit, it's kind of ironic. i remember, quite a few entries ago, i was saying how CJC would not be the place for me for my JC life. and yet, look where i'm at now. i remember both my cousin and i swearing not to remain in SA due to the negative impression of the place. yet, he was forced to stay there and is actually enjoying himself now. life and fate work mysteriously. way too mysteriously for us to ever understand.

i'm very annoyed with myself. because, once again, i have forgotten what i want to say. i'm really getting old. i think it had something to do with...ummm...either school, blog templates, or friends. oh well. it's getting late. better go sleep. must try to make mondays as enjoyable as possible. however, knowing my dis-affinity with mondays, it'll be really tough.

-thingy of the day: Remain calm (and positive) under all circumstances-

This is not good. blogger ate my post again. funny though - this is the first time in a few months or so that it has done this. oh well.

anyway, as i was saying in my post-that-has-diasppeared, something in the air feels off. i hope i'm just being paranoid about this, because i don't need any more problems screwing my life up. although something kind of bugs me. i think i may have unknowingly offended someone from my class. once again, i hope i'm sorely mistaken about this, but in the event that someone really isn't happy with me/the things that i've been doing, i apologize. also, if you don't like something about me/something i did, please tell me upfront. spare no thought for my feelings and hit me (physically if needed) as hard as you want. it gives me a chance to correct myself, and gives you peace of mind when my negative trait has been corrected.

school is really becoming less interesting and more stressful. the only lectures/tutorials i sort of enjoy now are chem, physics and econs. is there a way to drop maths? stupid question. i just can't identify with maths, like i do with chem. right now, trigo is being a bit extremely irriataing. there are about 9 or more formulae we are expected to memorize and use during exams. personally, i'm not a mugger and do not have photographic memory, which may explain why i'm sort of enemies with maths. it's quite annoying. even though i have a fabulous maths tutor, i'm not doing that well. it's mostly my fault, not hers. and i still can't get the equations of motion stuck in my head. since sec 3 until now. can anyone say "hopeless"?

going on about school, CCA's been tough, but semi-enjoyable. i think there's this sense of inferiority when placed beside someone who is your age but has accomplished so much more than you. makes me feel kind of zi bei sometimes when i see all the old SJI boys with their nice coloured belts. i know in Judo, the 2 driving principles are maximum efficiency and mutual benefit, but...i don't know. maybe i'm too eager to improve, even when i'm not ready for the next level.

my latest analogy is that life is like a jigsaw puzzle. you spend lots of time piecing it together, and when it's done, you frame it up and hang it on the wall. however, after a while, some of the pieces become displaced, or worse still, the entire thing falls off the hook and is totally destroyed. so you have to clear up the junk, get a new frame, redo the whole puzzle, hang it up again, and have it come crashing back down after some time. then the cycle repeats. i guess true happiness can only be attained if you manage to glue all the pieces into their respective places, and find a hook and string so strong that it's guaranteed to stay up there for life. sadly, this type of glue, hook and string are all not easy to find.

enough lamenting for one day. i can only try to fix my jigsaw as quickly as possible.

-thingy of the day: Click here and "Save Target As" to hear the song I've been going on and on about.-

Hmmm...blogging from school. i'm not really supposed to do this (i think), but nobody's paying that much attention now. so i believe i can get away with it for once. anyway, i'm modifying the econs survey during my extremely shory half-hour break. seems like primary school again.

oh no. i have about 9 minutes left before the next period. so i'll just cut it here and focus on the survey.

-thingy of the day: Nothing now...rushing.-