I would not, by any means, describe myself as a battle-hardened veteran at life. however, i think it's at least fair to say that i've had some life experience, and been through some challenging times. strangely enough, despite having gone through NS, university, and grad school, i have a disproportionately large number of bad dreams about taking the A-levels. last night, it was about the GP exam. for some reason, i'd decided not to do the essay component, and turn in a blank script. towards the last 30 minutes of the exam, i changed my mind and started panicking. by then, i had to do the AQ (application question, a mini-essay) as well, and knew that i wouldn't have time to finish both. i remember despair and panic as the predominant emotions from that dream. makes me wonder why A-levels left such an impression on me, considering that i got through just fine, and also that i've taken significantly more difficult exams since then. perhaps it's because out of all the exams i've taken, the A-levels is the one in which i performed the worst. i mean, i got a C for maths. i've never scored below a B- in university, so maybe that C is grating on me just a bit. this train of thought doesn't make much sense, though, since i failed my driving test and didn't get called for interviews for most of my job applications. so, why am i perceiving myself having failed to a greater extent for the A-levels? thankfully, it doesn't really affect me that much. while it feels bad at that point in time and just after waking up, those feelings usually clear up very quickly when i remember my current stage in life. maybe i've got to remind myself more that although i did get a C, it got me into my desired course in university, and that's good enough.

being science-trained, i do my best to think logically for all situations that i'm presented with. one of the greatest pitfalls to logical thinking is this thing called confirmation bias. i'd explain it as "looking for and accepting only what we think are the correct answers, and ignoring contradictory facts". part of a good scientific experimental protocol is to include control experiments that will eliminate this bias. but that's science. matters of the heart are just about as unscientific as one can get. so, i think you'd understand why i'm having difficulty reaching a conclusion regarding lawyer guy's orientation, just based on our interactions. most of the signs that i've picked up on point to the conclusion that he may be single and may not be straight, but that's precisely the conclusion at which i want to arrive! so, i can't trust my deduction in this case. of course, the simplest way to know for sure would just be to ask him, but that's a whole other set of complications. if it was just between the two of us, i'd probably push it a little further, but this has ramifications that will reach the entire guild. the ultimate worst case is that both of us leave the guild and never talk again, which i don't think will happen, but you never know.

it's weird, isn't it? i know that it's not worth my time to interact with people who would take issue with things like orientation. at the same time, i don't want to cause any unnecessary distress to the organization as a whole. after all, the topic of which gender i prefer to date hasn't come up in conversation, nor is it relevant to the game. i suppose that one thing that would force me to make a stand would be if there was LGBT-bashing going on, and i'm incredibly grateful that there isn't. possibly the only other situation would be if lawyer guy wants us to start dating and we have to tell the guild...but let's not get too carried away in fantasy there.

should go get ready for tuition. today's topic is inheritance, which i have to read up on as i'm not a biology person. need to go down a little earlier to mark the kids' work too. so, i guess i'd better go.

-random thought of the day: Remember to get refund for expired EZ-link card!-

Although i've been getting about 7-9 hours of sleep on average for the past few nights (normal numbers for me), i wake up feeling kind of lousy, and not quite refreshed. probably something to do with the quality of sleep, or maybe i've been waking up in the middle of a REM cycle. there were many many weird dreams too, which means that my brain was still working while my body was resting? perhaps i should adjust my sleep and/or wake-up times a little.

there's not much to update on, seeing how uneventful life has been. perhaps now's the time for me to get some thoughts out of my head, in preparation for the next phase of life, be it JET or something else. final fantasy has been taking up a large chunk of my time. it may not be productive per se, but it is enjoyable. not to mention there's the added bonus of interacting with the guy i talked about in the previous post. my impression of him hasn't changed since then - i still think that he's nice, and great to talk to. while i did say that the logical thing for me to do regarding this interaction is nothing, and to treat it as i would any normal interaction between guild members, i have to admit that i've been taking a bit more initiative in starting chats with him, offering to party together, and even making some clumsy attempts at flirting. to his credit, he's been gracious in accepting compliments, and doesn't appear to show any negative reaction. i have thought about expressing my interest to him, but my logical side always asks the same question, "what good will that serve?", and that stops me in my tracks. logically, it won't serve any good at all. or to put it another way, taking this action leads to more cons than pros. so, for the time being at least, until i've sorted my life out, i guess this will be the status quo.

it led me to think a little more along this line - why/when should people express their interest in another person? if you read NUSwhispers on any given day, you'll probably see at least one confession about someone who's hesitant to confess their feelings to another person. personally, i think that communication should be open - none of this rubbish about dropping hints or signs and praying that the other person gets it (or worse, expecting them to get it). and if you really want a relationship, take initiative. after all, the worst that can happen is that you get rejected. that is, of course, assuming that both parties are mature about the whole thing. for a supposedly smart/intelligent population, singaporeans can be incredibly childish. like starting rumours, ridiculing others behind their backs, you get the idea. it's sad that this behaviour can persist into university and sometimes, even beyond. so i do get that there's a reluctance to be vulnerable in front of others in this society.

but in my case, though, the considerations are slightly different. i don't know if he's into guys, and i don't know if he's already seeing someone. so, to confess my attraction to him would be taking a huge stab in the dark, and that is a higher risk than i am willing to take. and even if the planets align and he's into me, we'd still have to deal with the fact that i'd be moving to another country in the near future. so, long story short, it would be incredibly selfish of me, and unfair to him, if i were to take any action now. i suppose that the biggest compelling reason for me to do anything would be as a means to get closure for myself, but again, selfish. or if by some miracle i find out he's single and looking to date guys, i might consider just letting him know that i'm interested in him, but i have no expectations of us getting into a relationship, and that there's no pressure on him. that's probably the best compromise that i can see, given the current circumstances.

i've talked about it for a while now, and i think it's time that i get started on my "why i won't have kids" post. it'll probably be a huge work, encompassing perspectives from multiple angles. so, i have very uncharacteristically decided to plan the post out, using an outline to help make sure that i have all my points down. the full post will be out in another date, but here's a start on the outline:

- disclaimer (incl. own experiences)
- biological factors
- societal factors (specific to singapore)
- other factors (economic, genetic, etc)
- why have kids in the first place?
- selfish vs selfless (also, adoption)
- parenting and preparedness (maybe a bit on LGBT parenting)
- reasons to have kids (that don't apply to me)
- circumstances under which i might have kids
- conclusion

as you can see, it's going to be quite a lengthy post, hence my decision to keep it separate and to post on another day, when i have the mental focus to sit down and work on it for a few hours. for now, i think i'll work on my application to that chocolate place. yes, i've put it off for the longest time. the ad appears to still be up, so maybe that's a sign.

-random thought of the day: Be more productive!-

Need to do a quick brain dump because uncle murphy has the habit of striking at the most inopportune time. so what happened was that i went for the final fantasy guild dinner yesterday, and met a new member...who's really attractive, and a lawyer to boot! it was enjoyable to talk to him, and he seems like a really nice guy, with very desirable qualities - non-smoker and non-drinker, to name just two. my stupid brain, being...well, stupid, decided to develop an attraction for/crush on him, without knowing if he's presently partnered, or whether or not he's even into guys. he wasn't wearing a ring, for what it's worth, but even if he was into guys, and into me specifically, the timing is completely off. i doubt that i'd give up on plan japan for a relationship, and i can't in good conscience expect him to give up his career here and move because of a relationship too.

logically, i know that most likely nothing will come out of it. i guess i just have to write it down to (1) convince myself, and (2) get it out of my head. but hey, i can enjoy our interactions in the meantime, both in-game and in person. i owe him ice cream or something similar, so i can kind of look forward to that? things should be fine as long as i maintain a firm grasp on reality and don't do anything stupid. seems easier said than done, but i'll manage.

-random thought of the day: My typing skills are deteriorating.-

Yesterday was the most productive day i've had in a while. went for the first counselling appointment, and visited two embassies (with vastly different experiences). counselling first. since it was a first session, there wasn't much deep discussion/sharing. the time was most spent for the nice counsellor lady to get an idea of what issues i wanted to bring up, and to know a bit more of my background. it's acceptable/expected, i think, because it's better to have as much background information as possible before moving forward. i feel ok with her...as in i trust her to be professional and all that. the only thing that kind of unsettles me a little is that she wears a cross necklace, which means that she's christian. but until proven otherwise, i will assume that she separates religion and work. overall, i'd say that it was a positive first experience, and i'm booked for a second appointment next week.

the first of two embassy visits was to the kazakhstan embassy, where we had a brief chat about kurash. the embassy people seemed very interested to promote it among the local community, so that's a good sign. we were asked to contribute an article or something of that nature for them to share, so i'll probably have to write something for them soon. reminder to self to write in plain english for ease of translation.

following that, i went down to the japan embassy to submit my JET application. this didn't go as smoothly as i'd have liked. for starters, it was so impersonal - just dropping the papers off at the security post. i was expecting to at least interact with some embassy staff, maybe speak some japanese. perhaps i was somehow affected by the more positive kazakhstan embassy experience, where they welcomed us into a nice meeting room for our chat. but well, it was what it was. not too sure how the application will go, but based on the experience delivering the papers, my impression got knocked down a few points. i guess i experienced japanese exclusivity first-hand, but well...i should remember to not let one negative experience undo all the positive things that i know about japan and the japanese people. the result will only be out around january-ish, which gives me about 3 more months in limbo. in the event that the application doesn't go through, i have a few choices - apply again in 2020 (possibly with some added english language teaching qualifications), apply for another program, or just scrap that idea and find a job in singapore. if JET doesn't work out, my next course of action would probably be to work in japan via a private company. while i would like to apply for JET again, the application window being in october/november each year means that i'd have to wait for another 9-ish months to reapply if my application doesn't go through this round. that's a bit too long, i think.

NTUC had black garlic on sale this past week - about $3.80 for 6 bulbs. that's close to 1.5 times the price of regular garlic, but i'd been curious about it ever since i saw a youtube video on how to make it. it's basically garlic that's been exposed to low heat for a long period of time, such that the sugars in the garlic undergo the maillard reaction, turning the garlic cloves black. it tastes completely different from regular garlic, too! some words that come to mind to describe regular garlic include "harsh", "spicy", "crunchy". words that i'd use for black garlic include "sweet", "soft", "mild". while i can probably make it for cheaper, i hear the process generates a significant smell. not too keen on that. should probably grab a few more packs while they're still in stock, because i'm quite liking the taste.

on the topic of culinary adventures, my lacto-fermented vegetables have been developing nicely. there's one jar that kind of smells like cheese, which i think is really cool. the sauerkraut has a slightly alcoholic smell, probably because the balance of yeast and bacteria is slightly off. still, it should be edible. will have to work through the jars over the next few months. hoping that the fermented garlic will be ready soon, too. it still hasn't mellowed out as much as i'd have liked. well, there's still time.

-random thought of the day: Dinner plans later!-

Made good progress on my JET application package! the biggest challenge so far has been getting the letter of recommendation from my NUS japanese lecturer, but she came through in the end. unfortunately, my troubles there are not over. you see, i'm required to submit 1 original and 3 copies of most documents, recommendation letters included. she put the original into one envelope and the 3 copies into a separate envelope, which is what most normal people would do. what she didn't notice (and to be fair, that i forgot to remind her) was the instruction stating that each of the 3 sets of copies are to be collated separately. which means i need 3 envelopes with 1 copy of the letter in each. worst thing is that i can't even open the envelopes and repackage the letters myself, because the envelopes have the department stamp across the flaps, and to open them would be tampering. i'll be going down (again) to NUS tomorrow to have the nice office people sort it out. thankfully i thought ahead for once and planned on submitting my application way before the deadline, giving me ample buffer time to resolve such potential complications.

let just do a quick stocktake of what documents i already have, and what documents i still need. might be useful for future JET applicants too, if the guidelines remain the same.
- application form (1 original, 3 copies): done
- medical self-report (1 original, 3 copies): done
- doctor's statement in case of early placement (1 original, 3 copies): seeing doctor tomorrow
- authorization and release form (1 original, 3 copies): done
- statement of purpose (1 original, 3 copies): done
- reference letters from 2 referees (1 original and 3 copies each): 1 set of letters done, sorting out other set of letters tomorrow
- certified true copy of academic transcript(s) (1 original certified copy, 3 copies of the certified copy): done
- certified true copy of proof of graduation (degree) (1 original certified copy, 3 copies of the certified copy): done
- teaching or language proficiency qualification: N/A
- document of nationality (passport) (4 copies): photocopying tomorrow
- certificate of clearance (1 original, 3 copies): photocopying tomorrow

reminder to myself that staples are not allowed, paperclips only. that, and to submit the documents as-is (with no folder or binder). the plan is to hand-deliver it to the embassy this friday, or maybe even earlier. depending on how inclined i feel to get out of the house on thursday, i suppose. i don't anticipate significant difficulty in getting the remaining things done, so here's hoping everything will end well.

another thing i made progress in is counselling. by "progress", i mean that i booked an appointment, which though a small step, still counts. the counselling centre was surprisingly fast in getting back to me; i got a call back to schedule an appointment on the same day i submitted my request. i'm kind of nervous, actually. we're going to be talking about things that i've never really told anyone. i don't think that i'm afraid of being vulnerable in front of people, or of being judged in general. but these issues kind of hit deeper than most. i'm slightly relieved that the lady i spoke to was nice, and had a reassuring manner about her. it formed a good overall first impression of the centre. i hope it stays that way.

been playing a fair bit of final fantasy too. i finally took the plunge and bought a house in-game. the new updates released additional plots of land, and one thing led to another, and i have a house now after staying up until 6:30am to secure a plot of land. really getting too told for this all-nighter business. i'm not a super creative or design-y person, so i found that it was easier to get some stuff that comes in a set. fewer decisions to make. still got a long way to go as far as decoration goes; i've been running around various houses to get ideas. i've got a few things in mind, but they require significant investments of time, (in-game) money, and effort. speaking of money, it's quite interesting to experience the game's economy, as it quite closely models real life. for instance, now that more housing space is available, more people are buying houses. this means that the prices of housing items (furniture, interiors) jumped. not only that, the prices of some of the materials used to craft the furnishing items also jumped. oh, i should talk a bit about final fantasy money. the currency is called "gil", which i pronounce the same way as i pronounce the name of organs fish use for breathing. i've played this game for close to 4 years, but my subscription has been active for maybe only 2+ of those ~4 years. in that time, i've managed to save a sum of about 23 million gil. it's decent, but on the lower end of the spectrum. one of the people in the guild spent 100 million gil to relocate our guild house due to a mistake, and he's all but made it back within a week. the power of crafting and selling items that are in high demand. thankfully, i've not neglected my crafters and gatherers, and thus have avoided spending money on things which i can craft or gather myself. goodness knows i should save more, especially when the plot of land cost close to 4 million gil, and it will cost at least 10 million gil if i want to upgrade to the next-bigger house size.

on a related note, i must say that this house thing is a great way to get players to spend time in-game. housing design aside, each house will be demolished if the owner doesn't step inside for a period of 45 consecutive days. so, to avoid wasting in-game money, you have to spend real-life money. granted, it's about SGD 15 every 1.5 months if you stretch it to the limit, so it's not all that bad? i'm grateful that i'm still making enough money to be able to have indulgences like this.

should probably mention work as well. this past sunday was my one-year anniversary at the learning lab. the 2 classes i had that day went pretty smoothly, so that was nice. it's been a good experience there. didn't learn much content-wise, but l learnt a lot of other skills, like classroom management. more importantly, my colleagues there are nice and supportive, and even staff from other departments will do their best to help. i will be sorry to leave if and when the JET application goes through, but let's cross that bridge at a later stage.

-random thought of the day: Should also see the doctor about a persistent infection.-