Need to blog about the happenings of last weekend and this weekend. if i ever needed a(nother) sign that some higher power placed me here, last weekend was it. of course, i know exactly which higher power placed me here - CLAIR, the organization responsible for JET placements. but i was referring to something even higher. so, what happened last weekend was that my town was involved in giving a virtual tour (via zoom) to people from singapore and malaysia. it was kind of like a prefectural tourism/promotion thing, you know - "come to kochi (after COVID)!" considering that this is the first time (to my knowledge) that my town is involved in this, and that i'm the first-ever singaporean JET posted here, the coincidence is a little bit too uncanny. well, it was a fun experience. got to experience the full liveliness of the sunday market (admittedly, still a little underwhelming, but it's the liveliest i've seen the town so far), tried ginger ice cream (not bad), and got a free sashimi meal (awesome). one of the shopkeepers also gave me free fried sweet potatoes after realizing that i was helping with the tourism thing. and i got to learn a bit more about the town's history through editing the script for the presenters. good for me too, so i can show my friends around when they come and visit. all in all, a day pretty well spent.

this weekend, i drove the furthest i've ever driven in japan, to nankoku city to pick up a bicycle. the seller is moving out of the country, so he listed it for cheap, and i managed to push the price even lower. the bike itself was in pretty good condition, but it was still somewhat of an odd purchase, seeing as i don't know how to cycle. ok, it's not that odd since i bought the bike to learn on. what is odd though, is that in japan, they have a bicycle registration system which is not compulsory but highly encouraged. and the odder thing is that different prefectures handle ownership transfer differently. in some places, it's as simple as submitting a form and paying a fee. but in this case, either because the bike was originally registered in aichi, or the ownership is being transferred in kochi, the process is more complicated. the previous owner has to cancel his registration, and i have to apply for a new registration, which can only be done after the previous registration has been cancelled. to be fair to the old owner, i'm sure he didn't mean to cause me inconvenience. but it was annoying to be turned away at the bike shop, and even more so since it was raining. younger me would probably have chewed him out, but older me was a bit more restrained. oh. in case i didn't mention it before, the main reason why i have to jump through all these hoops and that i can't just ignore the issue is that in the event that i'm stopped by the police for a bike registration check (yes, that's a thing in japan), and they find out that the bike is not registered under my name, they will assume that i've stolen it. that will be more trouble than it's worth, so better that i get the paperwork sorted before doing any actual riding. good thing that i'm not in a great hurry to use it for my commute, and i figure that if i'm practising close to my house, there's basically minimal chance of the police coming over. i've never been stopped by any police before in japan, but knowing murphy's law, the first time will happen when not everything is in order.

side benefit of the long drive - i got to test out the car's ETC (electronic toll collection, analogous to singapore's ERP) system and do cost-benefit analysis. the argument is basically small roads vs. expressways, so nothing really new there. the 55km or so drive took about an hour, which means that my average speed was 50km/h. seems a little low, considering i was averaging 80-90 on the expressway. must be city traffic and traffic lights. a normal car would be expected to pay 1050 yen in tolls each way if using cash, or 990 yen if using the ETC system. since i'm driving a kei (light) car with an ETC system installed, i got a further discount and only paid 660 yen each way. as i've experienced before, driving to kochi city using only small roads takes about 90 minutes. is 30 minutes worth 660 yen? in this case, i'd say yes. although i'm sure there are ways to optimize time and cost, like getting on or off the expressway at different exits, to trade cost savings for extra time spent. that's something i'll have to ask my colleagues.

spring break is still going on, and since i don't have classes, it's a rare window of opportunity for me to take leave. i'm taking this friday and next monday off, for a gathering with most of the JETs. i think there'll be 7 to 8 of us going, out of the 11 who are currently in japan. it'll also be the first time in close to 4 months since we've seen each other; the last time being in tokyo, on the day we left for our placements. even though we've been keeping in regular (daily) contact via discord, it's still special to see people in person, and i'm looking forward to meeting them again. that also means i'll be away for that entire weekend. i should start thinking about finishing the food in the fridge, unplugging non-essential electrical appliances, and otherwise minimizing the chances of accidents happening while i'm not here to keep an eye on things.

-random thought of the day: Be more budget-conscious!-

Writing in the style of the last post (10 sentences maximum per point) is actually pretty good. it helps me to be more concise, and to focus more on the important elements. think i'll do that now and then, especially when i have many points to blog about.

school B's closing ceremony was yesterday. it was suitably emotional; even the principal choked up when giving his farewell speech. some of the alumni came back as well! they knew my predecessor as they graduated 1 or 2 years ago. i was pretty surprised that they came all the way back, especially after learning that they're studying in kochi city, which is an hour's drive away. then again, it's not every day your old school closes down. if either cat high or CJC were to close, i'd do my best to attend any function/ceremony...although it's going to be harder with me being in japan and all. not so much for my primary school, though. less emotional attachment, i suppose.

another thing is, the alumni who went back yesterday are siblings of some current students. that's not something that i think of instinctively, since apart from primary school, my siblings went to different schools than me. but given the rural-ish nature of this town, i suppose it's to be expected to have siblings either in the same school, or in the primary and secondary schools. just yesterday, i made the connection that the secondary school kid who regularly sleeps during english class and the primary school kid who's the most interested (and probably the most proficient) in english are siblings. totally did not see that coming! just that i noticed that they share a not-so common last name, so i asked the older sibling if he had a sister in the appropriate grade. well...to be fair, he's improved a lot now; and by that i mean he talks to me and hasn't been sleeping in english class. hopefully that persists into the new school year.

since it's currently spring break and i don't have to visit schools, i'm based in the board of education. it's given me more chance to interact with my colleagues vs. during normal term time. i've also seen cute colleague without a mask on, and i'm disappointed to report that, like most japanese guys, he falls into the "looks better with mask on" category. one of the singapore JETs said that it's because japanese guys have really nice eyes, but not so nice jawlines. i think that's true, based on what i've seen so far. i've also realized that i like a more pointed jaw, as opposed to a more square one. but if he was open to dating me, i would probably agree because that aside, everything else about him is way way above expectations. look at me, talking as if i have the ability to choose. i mean sure, i technically do, but more often than not, i'm the metaphorical beggar when it comes to dating.

been a bit tired recently, possibly due to sleeping late. it's catching up to me. last night, i fell asleep at 8pm and woke up at around 1am. worst part is, i left all the lights on until i got up and turned them off. not looking forward to this month's electricity bill, especially since i've been a little careless with leaving lights on on other occasions as well.

this weekend, i'm going to take a long drive to nankoku city (80 to 90 minutes away?) to buy a second-hand bicycle. confession: i don't know how to ride a bike, and i figured what better time to learn than while on JET? best case i get the hang of it quickly, worst case i waste 15000 yen buying a bike that was worth 70000 yen first-hand. i'm thinking that the actual case will be something in the middle, like i take longer than expected to learn, but persevere and show a good example to the kids who may be following my progress. you know, walk the talk and all that. either way, i think there's more to be gained than there is to be lost in this endeavour. added bonus is i can test whether the ERP IU equivalent that's installed in my car is working, now that i have an ETC card (cashcard).

number crunching time! i'll be required to fill up on petrol for the drive to get the bike. petrol prices are currently 152 yen per litre. i can pay by cash, and the discount card i have gives me 2 yen off per litre. the other alternative is pay by credit card, where every 100 yen spent gives me 1 point (equivalent to 1 yen). question: which method helps me save more? let's say i top up 3500 yen worth of petrol. paying by cash gets me 23.33L of petrol, whereas paying by card gets me 23.02L. but, paying by card also means i get 35 points, meaning that i actually spent 3465 yen for 23.02L of petrol, or 150.5 yen per litre. so the cash discount still wins out. actually, this may be a moot point, since i may not earn points by paying with my card. looks like cash is still king.

bedtime! tomorrow looks like it'll be a physically intensive day, since i'm slated to help out to clean up the old kindergarten building. full disclosure: i volunteered for it. sitting at my desk all day is not fun. not sure how i'll survive 2 weeks of spring break, let alone 6 weeks of summer holiday.

-random thought of the day: What do I do with the flowers I received?-

Because it's late, and i need more sleep, i'll try to blog a maximum of 10 sentences per point i want to make today.

attended the primary school graduation ceremony today. the kids wore their secondary school uniforms, which i thought was a little weird. 3 kids are not going to the affiliated secondary school, but are going to secondary schools in the city. that will probably entail moving house. it was surprising, because we don't really think about moving for the sake of getting into a better school. ok, some parents do that for primary schools because of distance-based priority. but beyond primary school, no. i'll miss the kids who are going away, but i should remind myself to focus more on the kids who i'll still be seeing.

gave the cute teacher my phone number today, and told him that it can be used to add me on line. i figure that there's no use pushing too hard/much, because that tends to create feelings of aversion instead. like the saying says, "love is like a fart. if you have to push it, it's probably shit". pardon the language, but i feel the message is best conveyed in this crude form. so, he has information at his disposal, and it's up to him what to do with it. just once, i'd like to be the one being chased, instead of the one doing the chasing. but that's just an idle thought. even if we don't become an item, at least we can be friends. or at least i have eye candy while i'm at the school. but now the ball's in his court, so we'll see if there are any more updates in this regard.

the school term has all but ended, and i'm making my last school visit of this term to school C tomorrow morning just to say goodbye to the teachers who are leaving. there's also the 休校式 (literally "rest school ceremony", but more accurately known as "school-closing ceremony") for school B tomorrow afternoon. it'll be nice to see the teachers and graduated students again. reminder to self: bring a tie in suitably muted colours. with the ending of the school term, i'm mainly looking forward to a short getaway with some of the other singapore JETs, and being able to dress casually for work. small pleasures in life, i guess.

-random thought of the day: Suddenly got cold again.-

Saw the full teacher 異動 list today, and i was extremely amused. most of the changes are ok with me, and i'd actually venture to say that most of the changes are to my benefit! let me run through them. unless stated otherwise, "school" means secondary school by default. just to recap, there are 3 secondary schools, A, B, and C, and each of them has an affiliated primary school. i visit all secondary schools, and primary school C only.

- school B is closing.

- the head teacher of school B is moving to school C.

- the head teacher of school C will become a principal somewhere else.

- the head teacher of school A is retiring, his replacement is from out of town.

- the principal of school B is moving to primary school C.

- the principal of primary school C is moving to primary school A, whose principal is retiring.

- the cute teacher is staying put in school A. so happy!

- a teacher in school A is moving to primary school C.

- the english teacher in school B is moving to school C.

- 2 of the 3 english teachers in school C are transferring out.

- there will probably be another english teacher coming to school C from out of town.

- the english teacher who i like the least in school C is staying.

- the english teachers in school A and primary school C are staying.

overall, i'm happy. in particular, i have a decent relationship with the principal and head teacher of school B, which should carry on to their new postings. this is why it's important to maintain good professional relations and not burn bridges too quickly...says the guy who would watch his former mentor at the IP firm get eaten alive by a shark, and munch popcorn while enjoying the show. the difference here is that the people in japan have generally treated me well, so the idea is for me to reciprocate in kind. i'm just sad that the head teacher in school A is retiring, because he's a very kind, fatherly figure. i wish i could have worked with him for another year at least. same with the principal of primary school C. i was surprised to see that she was due to retire, but was contracted for another year. i mean...she looks 45 years old, 50 tops? but that might be an illusion brought about by good makeup and her cheerful attitude.

good news about the credit card! i managed to solve the issue without calling in to the company. the problem was that a required field (workplace address) wasn't filled in. with that settled, i'm now able to use my card for online purchases. the first purchase i made was for bus tickets to kyoto, to meet up with some of the JET people. that's happening next week, during spring holiday for the schools.

it's getting late, and this was meant to be a short post anyway. just finishing up some crafting in final fantasy before going to sleep. i'll blog about the tourism event next time.

-random thought of the day: I'm due for a car inspection soon, right?-

For you to understand the rationale behind several of my recent decisions and feelings, i'll have to explain a japanese tradition. it's called 異動, which loosely translates to "transfer". the kanji 異 (or 异 in simplified chinese) itself means "different", as you may know if you watch 異世界 (isekai, parallel universe) animes. i knew about it through the term 異性, which means "heterosexual" both in chinese and japanese. the singapore JETs have taken to calling it musical chairs, which is a pretty apt nickname, i think.

so 異動 apparently had roots in the samurai era, where it was a way for the shogun to retain power and rule over japan. among other things, like effectively holding their families hostage, the shogun would make powerful warlords relocate every so often to prevent them from amassing enough power/influence to become capable of overthrowing him. the modern origin story which i've heard is that employment used to be for life. so, employees of a company were expected to become familiar with all aspects of operations. hence, they were transferred to different departments every few years for all-rounded training. i don't know which of these stories is true (there are probably elements of truth in both of them), but what it means is that come mid- to late-march every year, there'll be a general sense of worry because that's when 異動 results are released. and there's not much time to react at all! it's especially bad for teachers, because they may have to process the shock of getting transferred, settle into a new school, and begin teaching new students in less than 2 weeks. in the worst case scenario, they may get posted to a school at the other side of the prefecture, which may mean finding suitable accommodation closer to the new school and moving into it within those 2 weeks as well.

my most major 異動-influenced decision is that i chose not to tell my supervisor or the cute teacher anything yet. because if he's transferred, there honestly isn't much point in opening a potential can of worms. not that there's going to be much more point doing that if he stays, but i'll worry about that later. either way, the idea is to get his contact and maybe hopefully get to know him better from there. what the singapore JETs said is true also - we may end up not having very much in common.

one thing about 異動 is that i guess it teaches you to treasure the time you have together, because it may not last very long at all. i mean, that's a lesson that we should all be constantly aware of, but it helps to have a reminder. that's actually very ingrained in the japanese psyche, come to think of it. a common visual metaphor is the fleeting sakura season, where flowers bloom for a short time then die and fall off the trees. another case in point today - some people from the prefectural office came by to check in on me, find out if i was settling in ok, if i had any difficulties at work, all that stuff. one of them is headed to a new posting in singapore, which was surprising to me, because i had no idea kochi prefecture had a branch office there!

during our conversation, my supervisor told me that a new supervisor would be coming in. it was shocking to say the least, especially since i'd noticed that her name wasn't on the musical chairs list. i think 2 people are transferring out of the board of education, and we're getting 2 or 3 more people, i can't remember. 1 is a transfer from another department, and the remaining 1 or 2 are new hires. side note, the cute colleague is staying put, so that's a plus for me. anyway, this is classic expect the unexpected and/or assumption is the mother of all mess*-ups. it's not important any more at this point in time, but i wonder if she requested the change. i wouldn't blame her though, since she's been doing this for a super long time. i'm reassured that she'll be here for at least another year to show the incoming supervisor the ropes. coincidentally, the incoming supervisor has the same name as the outgoing one. maybe that might help to ease the transition somewhat too.

this week was the last week of school for the term. well...there are a couple of schooldays next week, but i think formal classes are basically over already. i've had my last english classes of the term in 3 out of my 4 schools. in particular, i want to talk about school B. so thursday was my last day teaching at the school. it was oddly symmetric in that the principal invited me to join their PE class that day, as he did on the first day i went over! instead of volleyball though, we played badminton. somehow, i still retained some muscle memory from playing with my cousin all those years ago when we were in secondary school. i'm not good at it by any stretch of the imagination, but at least i'm not hopeless at it like i am with soccer or other ball sports. it's resulted in my quads and right forearm feeling sore, but it was worth it.

the kids were so nice! in fact, i notice that all the kids are so innocent here. like, secondary school kids still genuinely enjoy playing catching and scissors, paper, stone. it makes me want to delay their inevitable exposure to the cruel world a little longer. like, in singapore, when tuition kids as young as sec 1 complain about something or another, i wouldn't hesitate at all to say something to the effect of "life is unfair, get over it". here though, the thought has literally never crossed my mind! my currently preferred approach is to be encouraging. perhaps that's another way japan is changing me for the better.

got my credit card in the mail recently! i've activated it on the internet, but am still facing some difficulty using it for online transactions. probably missed something out, but my japanese is nowhere near good enough to quickly identify what it might be without killing tons of brain cells. will probably call in or do the online chat thing when they're open.

-random thought of the day: Book bus tickets!-

Kindness begets kindness, trust begets trust. it's not always true, but it would be in an ideal world. so in the interest of being transparent/open with the guild leadership, i came out to them last night during our management committee meeting. again, i cannot stress enough the importance of doing one's homework, scoping out the environment, and following both one's heart and head before doing something like this. in this particular scenario, there's a section in the guild rules specifically talking about having no tolerance for any form of discrimination, with sexual orientation and gender identity explicitly mentioned, so i knew that it was safe. plus, i know the leadership, have worked with them for over a year, and consider them to be real-life friends as well. as expected, most (all, really) of the reactions were supportive; one person was just surprised that i would announce it to them so openly. but like i told them, i'm 33 (that was an error, i am actually 32, but will be 33 later this year). no point hiding it too much. having said that, i'm still not fully out yet, so that's something to work towards.

i was surprised that some of them had already guessed that i might not be straight. i knew that the guild leader should have an idea, because he's my facebook friend, and my profile picture has the rainbow filter applied on it. a few other people suspected, i guess because of their intuition and/or because of some offhanded comments i made about one particular character in the game (hey, he's hot!). linking back to the beginning of this post, someone felt confident enough to share a highly personal thing with me after the meeting, so i felt quite touched and honoured to be accorded that level of trust. and it wouldn't have happened without me having placed trust in others first, so a pat on the back for myself!

it just occurred to me that i tend to come out to people when i'm feeling down/sad or when i'm drunk. might be that the emotions/alcohol give me courage or make me care less about the consequences. another possible explanation would be that i'm looking for comfort/advice, and it's just easier when the people to whom i want to turn have the full picture for context and everything. while this makes it sound like i do it recklessly, i will emphasize that i make coming out decisions only while fully sober and objective, and i'd highly encourage any/everyone to do so as well.

after a good night's sleep, i'm feeling a little better about the teacher situation. don't get me wrong, it still hurts, but less so. i'm due to talk to the singapore JETs about this later tonight. the plan is to get a second opinion from them whether to tell him or not, and then a third opinion from my supervisor during work tomorrow. i won't lie, my personal inclination is still to tell him. but being an involved party, i'm hardly objective here. hopefully common sense will prevail.

graduation ceremonies are very different in japan, compared to what i'm used to in singapore. here, they're kind of solemn and sad affairs, whereas the ones that i've experienced as a student tend to be happier occasions. there was plenty of crying, which i thought was a little over the top. actually, i'm convinced that it was due to the music. they had sad music playing softly in the background while speeches were being given, and as has been proven, audio affects our mood a lot. the example i have is an experiment in which groups people watched footage of a shark swimming, either with no audio track, or with menacing music (think jaws soundtrack). the people who watched the video with audio reported feeling anxious or scared, while those who watched the video only didn't.

the one thing that i didn't like was that the other foreign english teacher was not thanked in the speech given by one of the graduating students. consider this: this english teacher has taught this class since they were in kindergarten. assuming an hour a week for 10 years, that's still almost 2 years' worth of daily english class. and considering that they thanked every single other teacher present (except me as well), including those who'd only taught them for a year, i don't think it's fair. for the record, i'm perfectly fine with not being thanked myself, because i really didn't do much for them. of course, i could look at this along the lines of race or nationality, but it's equally probably that it was due to some other reason, like a time constraint, or just sheer forgetfulness. whatever it is, it's over.

my weight loss has been slowing down in recent weeks; although i've lost about 10kg in total since my last weighing in singapore. surprisingly, my suit jacket fit better yesterday than just 3 weeks ago, when i wore it for the english meeting. hopefully that means there's some internal change going on, like losing fat and gaining muscle but not seeing a net change in weight. also, with the weather slowly getting warmer, it might be time to start looking into exercise. we'll see.

-random thought of the day: Keep it up!-

Disappointment sucks. no matter how prepared you may be for a bad outcome, it still doesn't feel good to not get what you want. sidetrack - writing that reminded me of a quote that went something like, "then again, how many people know what they actually want?" i don't remember who said it, either. probably someone who's a mentor figure to the protagonist in a story. my memory says dumbledore, but google didn't turn anything similar up, so i don't know. don't search too hard for it; i may have mis-remembered it too.

anyway, as the paragraph above may have clued you in on, i faced disappointment today. the cute teacher has a girlfriend. i'm not exactly surprised, because it seemed so unlikely that someone as good-looking as him would be single. i suppose what softens the blow a little is that it's a girlfriend and not a boyfriend, meaning that he probably isn't into guys anyway, so even if he was single, it was still likely to be a rejection. the worst part is, there's nobody to blame. 

next question: where do we go from here? i'm actually split into 2 minds about this. part of me thinks that i should just carry on with life as usual. another part of me wants to just get it off my chest and tell him, but with the assurance that i don't expect anything from him in terms of returning my feelings or modifying our interaction. yes, i'll admit that the intention of telling him is mainly selfish and only to make myself feel better. and while there is no intention to disrupt his relationship, i may be viewed as having that intention if i tell him. yet, i want to, just so that i don't have regrets in keeping it to myself. but is doing that worth the potential fallout? that's something that i still have to figure out.

on a less serious note, my guild leader said something along the lines of, "you can still score even with a goalkeeper present". technically correct, but morally wrong. that's linked to the idea that if a relationship can be broken by a third party, it probably wasn't very strong to begin with. but i won't be responsible for breaking people up. also, there was something about how someone who leaves their partner to be with you probably isn't someone that you'd want to date anyway. it's a different story if i make a move after he breaks up, but i won't hope for that either. bad karma. if it happens, it happens.

because of COVID, this teacher said that he hasn't physically met his girlfriend in almost a year. he's not the only one; another teacher in one of the other schools said pretty much the same thing. it makes me wonder though, how they're managing and what their plan for the future is. i may have mentioned it before, but my predecessor told me that he dated long-distance for the 3 years he was on JET, so it's not impossible. and considering these two teachers are still fairly early-career, i would expect that they are planning to settle down with their partners eventually. is this an example of "good things are worth waiting for"? hopefully the thing (person) that i've been waiting for will make the wait worthwhile.

even though we're in different countries, i can still rely on scary JC friend to be a source of comfort and support. she thinks that given the knowledge of the existence of his girlfriend, it's not a good idea to tell him about my interest in him. she also said that an even better guy will come along, mainly to make me feel better because there's no way she (or anyone) knows that for sure. but considering japan's total population is 126 million...ok, let's be less ambitious and focus on kochi. kochi has a population of about 800 000. assuming half of that are males, 400 000. let's say 1 in 10 are within the age range that i'd consider, and a further 1 in 10 are actually into guys...that's still 4000 people, of which 1 person is 0.025%. arbitrary calculations, but i hope that's a decent ballpark figure. going by that, there seem to be plenty of fish in the sea. that reminds me of a meme that goes, "there are plenty of fish in the sea, but i want THAT fish". or something which applies more to me, "there are plenty of fish in the sea, but i suck at fishing". ah well. even if he's not a romantic prospect, at least he's nice, and he would probably be a good friend. is it stupid of me to hope that he's lying about the girlfriend? yes, yes it is. 

-random thought of the day: Talk about the graduation ceremony later.-

2 main ideas to blog about today. first, what i did on sunday. you may remember that scary JC friend gave me a bottle of nice perfume to take to japan. knowing that she wouldn't deliberately mess with me, knowing the store's reputation, and for ease of packing, i didn't open the packaging until settling down in the house. here is where i say something along the lines of how things can still go wrong despite everyone's best intentions. due to a manufacturing error, the atomizer/spray of the bottle wasn't fitted with a straw to draw the liquid up, essentially meaning that i was spraying air every time i pressed the button. turning the bottle upside-down worked in a pinch, but it was super annoying because so little liquid would be sprayed, and "sprayed" here meaning more like "dribbled". so after a couple months of procrastination, i got pliers and a working spray bottle from daiso, pried the cap assembly off the original bottle, and transferred the contents over. thankfully, the original pretty glass bottle is still in one piece (bar the cap, which was destroyed). i don't even think any glass got chipped off, which means it's safe for general use. will probably find a use for it, maybe in some form of decor. at present, the volatiles are still evaporating, meaning that it's acting as an incidental air freshener.

as the first of 2 graduation ceremonies i'm due to attend is on next saturday, i decided to get a haircut so that i look more presentable. my second haircut in japan went pretty well! this time, i opted for the additional service whose name is literally translated as "face-tidying". what it is is a shave (including eyebrow shaping if you want), and the surprising bit to me - nose hair trimming. as far as shaves go, it wasn't the best shave i've ever had; i can get closer shaves with my razor at home. but i suppose there's a compromise between the closeness of the shave, and the likelihood of cutting the customer plus time spent. if i were the barber, i'd err on the side of a less close but injury-free shave too. still, there's no denying that the additional 200 yen buys time and convenience. although would i opt for it again? probably not.

second, about an unintended effect of low student populations in schools around here. the board of education organized a table tennis competition yesterday, and i went down to spectate/offer support before the haircut and daiso shopping. i was chatting with my colleagues during some downtime for them, and we got to the topic of CCAs. they asked me why i joined judo, and my answer of "because it looked interesting" seemed to genuinely surprise them. you see, an inevitable consequence of having a low student population is that it limits the number (and hence variety) of available CCAs in a school. like, there would be no point to have clubs with not enough members for meaningful training. even now, i think there are kids in schools here who join the "least boring" CCA instead of the CCA that they truly want to join - because it may not be available in their school! so, despite me complaining that singapore is overcrowded, i suppose there's one advantage to having many people around you; that it's easier to get the required demand for variety to be generated.

hot off the presses! i know i said there were only 2 main items, but bear with me. after some creative batman work, i found a social media account belonging to the cute teacher, as well as pictures from his university days. he looks so different! i think it's because he has a shorter, more clean-cut hairstyle now, plus the photos from back then were quite candid (and thus unglam). well, getting the information is only 30% of the battle. the remaining 70% is knowing how and when to use it. in this case, the best option seems to be not to use it at all. there's no possible good that could come out of it. the plan is to try to develop the friendship organically...although i wonder if i can still call it "organic", considering that there's some degree of intention/premeditation involved. well...like i was telling scary JC friend, i should learn to YOLO. the worst case is i get rejected, and life goes on. best case, he may be the love of my life...but i shouldn't give myself too much false hope, because the probability of the worst case scenario happening is way higher than that of the best case.

-random thought of the day: Teacher transfer results will only be known in 2 weeks.-

Unpleasant post ahead. trigger warnings: death, specifically euthanasia and suicide. this post is not really meant to be consumed in the same way as most of my usual content. it's more for me to rationalize/sort out thoughts in my head. as far as necessary, i will be vague with identities, because, you know, privacy and all.

like i mentioned in the last post, my cousin's dog isn't well. after a checkup on friday, where the vet confirmed that there was nothing more that could feasibly be done, the family decided to have him put down. that's scheduled to happen today, in the afternoon. same-day cremation has been scheduled as well, sometime in the evening. all things considered, it's the logical/humane decision so as not to prolong the dog's suffering. the family seems to be coping well enough; sharing pictures and memories of the dog via whatsapp. i had a video call to say goodbye earlier in the morning. and while the previous post may suggest otherwise, i did like him, and i will miss him.

as if that wasn't heavy enough, the next topic is suicide. just this morning, i was made aware that a relative of someone in my social circle had ended their own life sometime towards the end of last year. my friend kept the news private for a few months, probably to give the family time to grieve and process all the associated emotions. while my friend is usually open and honest (sometimes to a fault) in facebook postings, i was a little surprised that my friend stayed true to form and chose to be 100% transparent even about such a private/sensitive matter by divulging that suicide was the cause of death, as well as writing about possible reasons/circumstances that led to the deceased's decision. due to societal stigma, suicide is not commonly spoken about so openly, and i think that more openness would help to create dialogue and understanding. for some context, the deceased was elderly, and one of the motivating factors was not wanting to be a burden to the next generation.

this has led me to rethink my view on suicide. it hasn't changed significantly from the last time i thought about it, i don't think. to me, what one does with one's life is ultimately one's own prerogative, and no one else's. unfortunately, no matter the reason, suicide carries a negative image. even the common verb is "committing suicide", like "committing crime". and while it's true that friends, family, and other loved ones will be affected by a person's death, arguments against suicide shouldn't be based on how their friend's death will affect them. eliminating that, the strongest argument against suicide is probably the one that goes "when there's life, there's hope". or "留得青山在，不怕没柴烧" - as long as there are mountains with greenery, don't be afraid of running out of firewood to burn. it sounds way more elegant in chinese. although some people really have no hope in their situations - terminal illness, for example. but i don't want to delve too deep into nuances and different circumstances here.

something that i hadn't really thought about before, but was spurred on to think about by my friend's announcement, is how people who have decided to end their lives spend their last living moments, and their feelings in that time. considering that most people they tell will try to stop them, it must be an incredibly lonely and fearful experience. i was going to say that the loneliness would be added on to because they can't risk confiding in anyone - the law in singapore requires a person to report someone who's at risk of suicide or if they know of a suicide attempt in progress - but my googling didn't turn up anything to corroborate that. might be a false impression or mistake on my part. compare this to a "natural" death, where the soon-to-be deceased is typically surrounded by friends and family, and able to die in a more...wholesome manner. for that reason, i think people who choose suicide are braver than they are given credit for, even more so because they don't get a redo or an opportunity to do things that they may have forgotten if things go according to plan. i wonder if i will ever live to see an "end-of-life celebration", where everyone attending the party knows that the guest of honour will be departing soon, and that it's their chance to say goodbye. it would probably help relieve any feelings of guilt or regret for the living.

having said all that, i want to assure everyone that i'm mentally ok, and not thinking of ending my own life. additional disclaimer: i'm not an advocate for suicide, but i think that people should have the right to end their own lives when that decision is arrived at after rational thought. i suppose i'm lucky to be too afraid of pain/death for suicide to be a viable option personally. or to put it differently, i suppose i'm lucky that things in my life have never gotten bad enough to win out against my extreme fear of pain/death. and knowing that i'm the type of person who would lose my head if it wasn't attached to my body, i am bound to forget something important in my preparation/arrangements and not realize it. given the permanent/irreversible nature of death, that's not good. oh well. if things go my way, my death will be natural, painless, a long way into the future, and after having led a rich and fulfilling life. may we all be that fortunate.

-random thought of the day: Goodbye, silly boy.-

Going to first blog about two "P" things this time, progress and perspective. they're actually linked, and i'll explain why. starting with progress, i think that i'm still losing weight. i've got one of those belts with a ratcheting buckle, and i'm hearing more clicks when i put it on. also, there is so much more slack at the end now. just imagine - when i was giving tuition in singapore, i could just barely get the end through the first extra belt loop after buckling it. now, the end is touching the second extra belt loop. but that's not an accurate measure of how much weight i've lost, because human bodies are squishy, and there's kind of a margin of error depending on how much the belt is tightened. still, i know that i've lost weight because moving in those pants is so much easier now! confession: i usually sat down or stood up through the entire tuition class in singapore, because sitting down and getting up repeatedly in those tight (at that time) pants was uncomfortable. i'm not facing that issue now, and that's why it's hard to believe that it's the same pair of pants!

that was about progress. now, about perspective. while i'm happy that i've been losing weight, i am by no means at (or even near) my final goal. i was reminded of this when i tried on some other pairs of pants that i'd brought from singapore, only to realize that they were (still) too tight for me. hard to believe that there was ever a time when i could fit into them. actually, now that i think about it, i'm wondering when the period of most severe weight gain was. i wasn't thin by any means even in army, but i was still decently fit (best 2.4km timing was 11:20 minutes; how i did it, i'll never know). if i had to guess, i'd say basically the whole time i was in NUS? i know it got worse quicker in grad school, and particularly during the period where research progress was slow. that depressive period after the IP firm didn't help, either. but yes, it's time to reverse the damage.

sometimes, progress isn't linear. i know that to be true for weight loss, and apparently, it's also true for another thing about my body that i'm trying to rectify. not going to disclose exactly what it is because privacy, but i was making good progress on it last month. but after a one-week hiatus due to overdoing certain things in pursuit of the goal, the progress has been lost, and i think there's even been regression. but well, i've got to keep at it, perhaps at a more gradual/sustainable pace.

my cousin told me the other day that his dog is dying. sure, we're all gradually approaching death with every passing day, but you know what i mean. the dog has aggressive cancer that wasn't detected and that has metastasized, apparently. just got off a video call with them, and the dog looks lethargic and just generally unwell. i'm going to sound terrible for saying this next thing. while i feel for the dog, and for my cousin, aunt, and uncle, in a way, i think that this isn't all that bad. i've spoken about this sometime before, but the condensed story is that my cousin bought the dog basically on a whim and left it at my aunt and uncle's place. he only sees it on weekends, and i personally think that that isn't very responsible. it wasn't even like he bought the dog for his parents, either. that would be a whole other ethical conundrum. and while i think that the dog did bring the family much joy, it also brought a physical and financial burden. imagine - my uncle gets up at 5am because that's when the dog wakes up. add on that my aunt and uncle (i think more of my aunt) spoiled the dog rotten, such that it developed some behavioural issues. i don't blame the dog for that...that's purely on the owners, just like kids and parents.

in our conversation, my cousin said that the dog was like a child to him, which struck me as...inconsistent. then again, i've always thought that he should have played a more active role in taking care of the dog, including taking it to live at his own home, instead of burdening his parents with it. and even though what i think may be true, that's not what he needs to hear right now. i was going to say that this was a rare opportunity for me to choose between being right and being kind, but after some more thought, i realized that i've been making that choice almost every day in japan. instead of telling the kids straight up that their standard of english sucks and that they need to work at least twice (if not 5 times) as hard at it (which is the truth), i've been taking a more positive approach by giving praise and encouraging them to try and use english more, in the hope that they will grow to like it, take interest, and naturally improve. while i don't want to turn them away from english by pushing them too hard, i think that they need to be stretched a little more. it's probably the type-A singapore mentality coming into play again.

the week is almost ending, and so is the school term. another 3 weeks to go, i think? something that i'm having difficulty wrapping my head around is that school terms seemingly start and end on random days of the week. like one school has spring break start on a thursday. and the next term starts on a thursday too. well...at least that's consistent. i just think the "end on friday, start on monday" system would be so much clearer. oh well. my goal for this week is to ask the cute teacher out, and/or exchange a social media contact with him. wanted to do it on tuesday, but he had classes during my free periods. hopefully the stars (and our schedules) align better tomorrow.

-random thought of the day: Still sitting on that current affairs post.-