Had a really busy weekend, which is a nice change from the standard group seminar and tuition. thank goodness for my dad letting me have the car, too, because without it, i would never have made it to all my various destinations on time.

apart from the normal routine, i also went down to SJF for a referee seminar in preparation for sunday's competition. in the process, i found out who passed the previous week's dan grading, because only the new black belts could attend the seminar (aside from existing referees, of course). i was quite surprised to both see and not see some people in the room. this is my personal opinion, but i think some people who passed should not have passed. or if those people i'm referring to passed, a few more should have passed too. i'm not going to question why, or doubt the examiners' judgement. maybe they saw something which i didn't. i was happy to see that the only person NUS sent passed! so this means we now have 3 (or maybe 4, counting this french exchange student) black belts in the club! then again, i'm not active, so perhaps 2 (or 3) black belts would be more accurate. regardless, another black belt is good for the club, both image-wise, and for the technical expertise.

the seminar was standard stuff, i guess...more of a refresher than anything new. got a few points clarified, and was also reminded of a few technicalities. was kind of amusing to watch the new referees try to referee a (staged) match. they missed out on a fair bit of stuff, which is normal since they're new at it. trolled them a bit by acting as a rowdy spectator/coach too. the things i'll do to entertain myself.

sometime when i was at SJF, both the federation president and the referee director (who is a kata competitor himself) asked me to consider competing in 2 upcoming kata competitions. yes, such key appointment holders know me by name. not because i'm insanely good or anything, but only because this is a small country. the first competition is the south-east asian university games in laos during december, while the other is some other sporting event...possibly the JUA kata championship, though i can't remember the exact name. that's happening sometime next year, in singapore, so there's a kind of home-ground advantage i guess. while i would not mind training for these competitions (since i'll have an advantage for second dan grading), there are a couple of stumbling blocks.

the most significant thing stopping me is school. though the first competition is during semester break, i'll probably be stuck in lab anyway. of course, i can probably afford a week away...if and only if i'm ahead of schedule in the lab. imagine what if i was behind time instead! the second thing preventing me from agreeing immediately is my lack of a suitable partner. my "regular" partner can't compete in the university games, since he's not a university student...unless he enrols into university within the next 5 months or so (by which time it'll probably be too late to train, anyway). so, i'll give at least the first one a miss. still considering about the second one, though i will probably need more training, and have to partner my friend/senior, since we'll be doing the kata we did for his grading, and that's something my partner hasn't done before. that's still quite far into the future, so we'll see, i guess.

coming back from that quite-major digression, sunday refereeing was both good and bad, for different reasons. the good part for me was that i am reasonably sure that i didn't make any seriously wrong calls. and unlike nationals, i didn't give any coach any reason to get angry with me. so, i'm happy with the improvement in my personal refereeing standard. there were also enough referees for us to rotate frequently, and not get too tired. personally, i don't mind staying up there for 10 matches at a go, but not in bedok sports hall. it's really too hot! luckily, most of the new referees performed decently enough for their first time, though i'm sure they all had their blur moments. seems like i can work well with most of them too, which is nice.

one thing i noticed in the course of refereeing and watching the matches when i was resting was that some competitors seem to place too-high emphasis on winning. i understand as a sport, winning is important. but judo is, first and foremost, a martial art. celebrating before bowing to your opponent is not quite right, i think. just like that little anecdote about anton geesink which i posted a year (or more) ago. did you know that in kendo, a self-congratulatory gesture, no matter how small, can get your score invalidated? something about cultivating the spirit, if memory serves. while this rule would probably not be very popular in judo, i think a more relaxed version should be implemented.

one more bad thing is that i got a parking ticket for parking without coupons, because it seems that the sports hall/swimming pool carpark is nonconformist, and not free on sundays like most housing estate carparks. the parking warden warning came about 20 minutes too late...by the time i went out, the ticket was already under my wiper. well...i only have myself to blame. the ticket carried a $30 fine, which (un)fortunately was the same as my referee allowance for the day. so it's kind of like i refereed for free. guess it's more fortunate, since my bank balance doesn't go any lower. it's been paid, and i figure that my dad doesn't really have to know about this sort of minor thing which i can settle myself.

not much happened on monday, since i stayed home. met up with a few of my JC classmates for dinner and drinks after a short lab session yesterday. we were supposed to eat at this waffle/pancake place, but the friend who gave the recommendation had to work overtime. so, under the impression that it was a dessert place, we had dinner at hans (hanis? was there a rebranding?) at some mall within walking distance of dhoby ghaut mrt. i'm sorry that i can't be more detailed, but i rarely go there any more...unlike back in sec 4, when i was there about once every week. simply can't keep up with the changes now. anyway, it turns out that the waffle/pancake place did serve main-course waffles too, so i guess that's bookmarked for a future outing. had drinks at this nearby...pub? bistro? it's kind of like a reverse eatery, where food plays second fiddle to the alcohol. we didn't drink much (split a 3L tower among 6 people) since we all had work (or in my case, lab) the next day. nevertheless, it was great to see them (as usual). my friend's parents are going to canada for the whole month of july, so we have plans to wreck his place. well...not really. but a drinking night is definitely in the works.

today, i found out that my mentor is on a 2-week trip back to china. this leaves me more or less flying solo in the lab. of course i have other seniors to consult if things get messed up, but i feel bad bothering them about every little thing. before he left, my mentor left me some compounds to synthesize. 5 compounds over 10 work days...seems manageable, or even a little too slack. guess he's made some allowance in case i mess up (which is likely to happen, if it hasn't happened already). looks like i have to plan my days more carefully, so that i finish either on time, or ahead of schedule. definitely don't want to look bad when he gets back.

final thing i can remember wanting to blog about. there's been this whole uproar about this church and what it's done with its funds. quite sad/disappointing that this has happened. i don't know much about the case, so i'm not going to say much about it. but IF the pastor was found guilty, he should be punished more severely, because he's a public figure whom people look up to. the other sad thing i saw was that some people really have blind faith. and i mean blinder-than-me kind of blind. there were some quotes i read, which went something like, "he's the chosen one, he knows god's plan" and so on. maybe it's because i'm a scientist and/or non-religious, but i think that the person who said that is truly deluded. still, if they're happy to believe that, who am i to stop them?

to me, christianity is kind of messed up. it's just so...illogical. people suffer because they lack faith. and they're happy to suffer. people who have enough faith are rewarded, and if you're not rewarded, you just didn't believe enough...no matter how pious you may be. to me, worship doesn't have to be done in a lavish, palace-like church. why should the church even collect money? why not use the money for charitable deeds, where the results/benefits are actually tangible, instead of building something for a deity nobody alive today has seen? and how many people are nice and friendly while in church, but become super inconsiderate/selfish once they step out? see? illogical. but well, people can believe whatever they want. as long as they're happy. just don't expect me to buy it.

-random thought of the day: Feeling cooking urges again.-

2 days ago, i actually started writing another post. got to about 70% done, and shut down the computer without saving or publishing. as far as i can remember, that's the first time i totally forgot that i had a post in progress. anyway, it's not much loss. most of the post was about emo stuff, which i don't really want to relive. with the realization (well, more of a reminder) that some of the current CJC kids may read whatever i write here, i'm taking the fact that that post never got published (or even saved) to be more of a blessing in disguise.

got a few things to blog about today, first being judo. that is further split into a few more smaller things, the first of which being grading. the CJC and SJI kids had their grading today, and i must say that i'm pretty disappointed. the kids don't seem to be getting the essence behind the techniques...like they're just going through the motions to pass. the sad thing is that they can't even do that well! i had to give hints and correct postures, which would totally not be accepted during dan grading. but i can forgive even that, since they've not had training for 2 weeks and might be rusty...and probably only 1 or 2 will end up grading for black belt anyway. what i had serious issues with is that the new people (sec 1s and J1s) couldn't get their breakfalls right. from things like coordination, remembering which side to hit the mats, it was all just...cringe-worthy. if i had examiner qualification and was grading them, not more than 10% of the kids would have passed. can't blame the coach though, i was there when she was teaching, and she did cover all the main points. just hope that they get better in time for nationals next year.

another judo-related issue is about politics. to be honest, i've lost track about who is who's friend, who and who cannot get along, and all that nonsense. personally, i really cannot be bothered about this sort of stuff, unless it involves me. if you look at my posts from a couple of months back, you'll see that i did blog about being kind of unhappy with how coaches conduct themselves during competitions. more specifically, i mentioned that a controversial decision made by my referee team really annoyed a coach. that coach happens to be the NUS coach. kind of an odd coincidence, yet i'm not entirely surprised. this has resulted in me being kind of stuck. i know he's unhappy with me, so that's one of the reasons i haven't really been going to NUS for training. but then again, it's not like i was training anywhere else, either! UROPS sucked up all my spare time and energy. the issue is, i'm kind of "homeless" now, as far as judo clubs are concerned. while i'm studying in NUS, i won't join another club as to do so would be disrespectful to the coach. anyway, it's not like i need a club now, with what little training i do. the problem comes when i want to grade for second dan, because i have to be under a club. but i guess i'll worry about that when the time comes.

i was just entertaining a random thought. in singapore, i know about 5 major judo clubs and some of their instructors/coaches. after all, we referee together, so most of them also know me by sight, if not by name. so far, i feel that there has not been a club which matches my training/coaching philosophy. if i had to pick one out, though, i'd say probably SJC comes the closest. but that could also be my personal bias, since my friend comes from there. but if SJC produces people with his mindset, then i can't be too far off, right? anyway, the thought i was referring to earlier was about opening my own judo club. well, not MY own, since i don't intend to (and frankly, can't) be a one-man show. i recall that sometime last year, i was talking with another friend, and the topic did come up. but given the competition between existing clubs in singapore, we agreed that it could definitely not be used as a means of livelihood. at most we charge the market rate, or slightly cheaper, but make close to zero profit. the main purpose of setting up the club would be to promote the sport in the way which we feel works best. of course, there are hurdles to overcome, the most immediate one being getting higher dan ranks as well as the necessary coach accreditation. well...at this point, it's still an idea. who knows if it'll materialize?

other than that, this past week has been pretty uneventful. my standard routine seems to be establishing itself. go to lab, come home, with the occasional day off. somehow, i just don't feel like it's a holiday now. could be because the phd students are working through summer. the lab audit was today too, and i hope everything went well. highlights for the next week or so are group seminar tomorrow, followed by tuition, and then the referee seminar. sunday's devoted to refereeing, while i have to meet my JC classmates for dinner on tuesday. by some strange mental slip, genius me completely forgot that i had japanese class scheduled that same night! luckily, i managed to call the school and push the class to next sunday. this leads to some irregularity in class spacing (12 days between the previous class and the next, but only 2 days from then to the class after that). nevertheless, i think it's ok. nothing i can't handle. other than that...nothing much, i guess.

-random thought of the day: Should sleep early tonight.-

Zhong yu wan le!

that's chinese for "(it's) finally over!". though without the proper tone markings, that could also be interpreted as "(done) growing fish bowls". let's just put the characters for clarity: "终于完了!"

anyway, that phrase is indicative that 2 things are over - the grading, and my second set of A to Z posts. for the latter, it's really quite self-explanatory, so there isn't really much to say. should have done a Z to A to balance out the first one. maybe in the future.

grading was...odd. for one, i didn't realize that the turnout was going to be THAT high. i think there were around...15 (possibly more) people grading for black, while 3 others were advancing their black belt grade. had i known the numbers earlier, i wouldn't have gone down so early! the first 3 hours or so were just spent watching the brown belts do breakfalls, techniques, and kata. i was actually quite shocked to see how many variations of the same kata turned up! a difference in pace is understandable; we are built different, after all. but there should not be variations in the spacing, or the sequence and location of bows. the 10-6-4 rule i was taught (and which i believe is the international standard) says begin 10 metres away, bow at 6 metres, and the main body of the kata (ie. all the throws and adjustments) are to be executed within a 4 metre space. among the variations i saw, some of the more interesting/memorable ones were: going back to 10 metres away after every set, bowing at all sorts of funny distances, and asymmetric positioning of both partners.

whatever i just said were all relatively minor things, by the way. the REALLY major errors include some pairs doing wrong techniques, and some techniques being executed wrongly. the latter can be excused, since there are tiny technical bits, which take a long time to remember, let alone perfect. but the former (when/where it happened) shows that the individual person has not spent enough time practising, either on their own or with their partner. still, can't really blame them. with school or work, it really is difficult to squeeze out the required time for kata practice. not to mention grading tension/nervousness. you know, i'm no master of this kata, but i think even though it's been more than a year since we (my partner and i) have done a full run, we still can beat most, if not all, of the brown belt pairs that performed today. but of course, i guess our higher standard is kind of expected, since we have our black belts already after all.

i think my friend's 4th dan grading was a real eye-opener. i knew he had to do 3 different kata. what i didn't realize was that he was also partnering some other people for their kata runs. i think he did 5 kata runs total, which is physically exhausting, even with breaks in between. let's also not forget the huge mental stress/fatigue from just memorizing three separate sequences, and recalling the appropriate one for the time. i felt tired just watching him! if any other senior, or SJI/CJC kid wanted to try it, i'd tell them to give up before they even began. the only reason this particular friend managed to pull it off is because he's so technically proficient, and has a high stamina threshold. we needed to rotate between 3 people just to match him for the 3 kata! even though none of the kata he did with us would win international competitions (or any competitions at all, for that matter), i feel that the fact that he managed to perform 3 half-decent kata within about an hour already qualifies him for 4th dan.

as for my part, i think i did a decent job, considering the limited practice time. the only glaring errors i remember are not rolling back sufficiently for a technique, and stepping backwards with my right foot first instead of left when closing. and maybe my hair coming somewhat loose midway, too. other than that, i struggled to my best ability, and made sure that the tapping was loud. more importantly, my friend seemed satisfied with my (well, our) performance as his partners, so that's a relief. in fact, he even offered to buy us dinner. i was rushing off at the time, so it didn't occur to me to tell him that i could skip on the dinner, provided that he prepares me for second dan when i intend on taking it! but dinner or not, i know i can count on him to be helpful when the time comes.

side note: remember my aversion to buying the newly-designed gi? previously, all i didn't like was that big "F" on the sleeve. today, after wearing the one which i borrowed, i realized that they changed the cutting of the top, so that it gives you a more "slim" look. i REALLY don't like that. the disadvantage is that the front doesn't overlap as much as before, making it look too tight. so based on this, i'll definitely be looking at other sources...within reasonable price limits, of course.

quite sure i haven't mentioned this here, but that same friend may be representing singapore for this year's olympics. strangely enough, he's competing not in judo, but in rowing. to strengthen his wrists, he borrowed my gyro ball, which is this ball inside a shell which can spin really fast. umm...i'm sure there's a better way to put it, but there'll be a picture later anywway. back to the main story: apparently, he spun it so fast, it broke. i wasn't entirely surprised to hear that, since i've had it for coming to 9 years now. i was also unsurprised when he offered to buy me a replacement, because that's common courtesy. you break it, you replace it. anyway, i couldn't have refused because he only told me about his purchase after he'd confirmed the order from a website. what kind of stunned me was the quality of the replacement. the one i lent him was a cheap ($17-ish) plastic one. he ended up spending $40-something (excluding shipping) on the new one. he even got it from a pretty reputable manufacturer. in fact, this is exactly what he got (1 for himself, and 1 for me):

noticeable improvements over my original one are: it's quieter, spins faster, and that white band running across it is made of silicone, so gripping it is much easier than holding onto the bare plastic of the previous one. as a bonus, the new one lights up too (probably through electromagnetic induction)! feels like i got the better end of the deal, honestly. well, at least i know how to put it to good use.

don't know if you know this, but i have quite a vivid imagination. unfortunately for me, i've also been blessed/cursed with what popular internet slang refers to as a "scumbag brain". in case you don't know what that is, it's a...condition when your brain think the worst possible thought at a given time. for instance, when i'm the last person awake in the house, and am switching off all the lights to go to sleep, my brain will go, "remember that one scene from the horror movie?". or when i'm minding my own business, doing nothing and allowing my brain to rest, it'll suddenly go, "there was this embarrassing thing you did a while back. flashback time!", or "let's think about stuff that'll make you unhappy!"...stuff like that.

normally, scumbag brain syndrome is bad enough by itself, but in tandem with a vivid imagination, it can cause some serious havoc. basically, my brain got me thinking about 2 things which i try my best not to dwell on. these 2 things are companionship and fitness (specifically, my lack of both). most of the time i succeed in filtering these stray thoughts, but the odd few do get by now and then. and sorry russell peters, comedians' brains aren't the only ones capable of one-upping a messed-up thought. mine can too. and that happens when it makes relations between those 2 subjects. suffice to say, that does not make me happy at all. and another thing my brain is really good at is making up hypothetical scenarios, which are too good to be true. worse, it convinces me that there is a possibility that these scenarios may happen, which can sometimes cause me to do stupid things. damned brain. thankfully, i know how to control it most of the time, and that's by not letting myself get excessively fatigued. think the mental stress from the grading is getting the better of me.

future events' forecast see me ging back to lab (as usual), attending a referee seminar and refereeing at a competition next saturday and sunday respectively, maybe going for CJC training on wednesday or friday, maybe a carnivore outing with the chem kids, and a small-scale chem kids barbeque. well, chem kids-cum-VS barbeque. should be fun.

-random thought of the day: Who would have guessed that I'd end up offering a ride to a HCI kid?-

Yes, i know it's kind of late and i have a grading tomorrow. well, not exactly i have a grading, but we'll come to that soon. somehow, i thought i should get some stuff off my mind, otherwise, i know i'll get even less sleep than i expect tonight.

so, about the grading. as mentioned last post, my friend is grading for his 4th dan black belt, and he's asked me to partner him for 1 of the 3 kata(!) that he's required to perform. to be honest, i'm actually quite honoured that he asked me, because that implies that he doesn't think my skills are total rubbish. coming from him especially, that's praise enough. out of the 3 possible choices, i think he gave me the easiest one, because he knows how unfit i am, and how much (little) i can do in only 1 week. as compared to the last post, my confidence has gone up to 90%. everything SHOULD go well, as long as i keep my head and remain calm throughout. the grading's set for 1:00pm or so, so my plan is to reach there around 12:00pm to settle down and run through everything a few more times.

on friday, i went down to city hall in hopes of getting the replacement ear things for my earphones. turns out they had the design, but not in the correct size here. i suppose i'm more to blame for not being specific enough. in my email, i asked if they had those ear things in stock. and they told me "yes". technically, they were right, because they do have ear things in stock...just not the ones that i wanted. and they wouldn't know what i wanted because my email didn't mention it.

in a twist of excellent PR/customer service, they gave me 2 pairs of ear things in the design i wanted, but in a smaller size. at that time, i was too surprised to say anything other than "thank you", but after some thought, i wonder why didn't they give me something of the same size, but different design? would that have made more sense? or did they think that my focus was on the design? nevertheless, you know what they say about gift horses, so i can't really complain. actually, some good did come out of that trip. seems that the smaller-sized ones fit my left ear quite well! i may consider using the smaller size for my left ear, but i definitely have to stick to the larger one for my right ear. the small one felt too uncomfortable there.

all my tuition got unexpectedly cancelled this week. kind of sucks, because my bank account has far less that what i feel comfortable with. oh well. have to make it up somehow. but i suppose there's a bright side too, because with how sleepy i was feeling today, i don't think i could have survived seeing 3 kids, even though 2 of them are in a group.

last major thing that's bugging me now. it seems that i can't spend too long a time (like half an hour maximum) in too small a space (like in a car) with my immediate family. somehow, i just get really...annoyed. not really sure why, but it's just that i feel like i have to keep a certain minimum distance...about 5 metres minimum seems to be a safe/good estimate. if i had to guess, i'd say it's because i just find no meaning in the typical conversations. trust me, then you're heard the same story so many times you can practically write it out, it tends to lose impact. what makes it worse is that i find it hard to sympathize, because a lot of the difficulty could have been avoided by just finding the resolve to say "no", and mean it. that's partially why i think everyone should at least go through some time in the army. because you very quickly to do your job, nothing more.

ever since this year or so, i've begun to be aware of drivers' driving skills, especially when i'm a passenger in their car. i find that the 3 things that annoy me the most are (in no particular order): drivers occupying 2 lanes for more than a reasonable time ("reasonable" being the time it takes to filter lanes), drivers who don't signal when filtering, and drivers who stop beyond the stop line, then continue inching forward even though it's a red light. guess how i discovered that i don't like this behaviour? my dad does all of them. as i've said a few months back, i've become pretty reluctant to take rides when he's driving, because sometimes, the annoyance/irritation/mild fear outweighs the benefits of convenience and reduced travel time. it's not that i don't trust his driving skill...after all, he's been driving for more than 30 years. i know that the chance of him getting into an accident himself is pretty low, let alone with me in the car. but humans tend to believe what they see, not what they know.

well, it's currently 2:28am. just found a nice mission to run in city of heroes. it might take a while, so i'm targetting sleeping by 3, then waking up by 10. 7 hours should do the trick.

-random thought of the day: Please let grading go well.-

Xenophobia is a topic which i have been wanting to blog about for a very long time, both because of the perceived increase in anti-foreigner sentiments in singapore, and because i finally get to start another post with the letter x. however, this post will not be very long, seeing how late/early it is already. i'll just do some quick point forms here, then expand on some of them in a future post. off the top of my head, what i can remember are:

- starting lab work again
- running into some difficulty with honours plans
- losing the rubber/silicone thing off one side of my earphones
- getting into a very serious disagreement online
- agreeing, with almost zero practice and training, to be my friend's kata partner for his grading this coming sunday
- doing some part-time work on monday

that's probably it. the space above and slightly to the left of my right eye is beginning to hurt, which is probably an indicator that i could use some sleep. so sleep i shall.

-random thought of the day: Will definitely elaborate more.-

Continued AGAIN on Friday, 15 June 2012, 12:38am

I COULD SCREAM. after spending 3 hours elaborating on the above points (which involved writing about 10 paragraphs), i accidentally clicked "back". since i'm editing a previously-published post, blogger didn't save it at regular intervals like it does for a draft. as a result, all that work, for nothing. but this time, it's my fault, so i can't blame anyone else. seeing as i really don't feel like writing too much now, i'll do a more condensed version, though not as condensed as point form.

about xenophobia, i'm not xenophobic. but nasty incidents with foreigners has made me question the government's decision to accept so many of them. of course, there are nice foreigners (like those in my lab), just like there are nasty singaporeans. personally, i feel that foreigners who contribute to singapore should be allowed in, but not at the expense of the locals. on that note, i also think that the singaporean government hasn't done a good enough job of reassuring singaporeans that they will be taken care of. it can be argued that singapore is built on meritocracy, but there's this hidden chinese (asian?) value of taking care of kak ki lang (own people) first. somehow, singapore doesn't quite feel like home any more. looks like plan japan is becoming increasingly likely.

going back to school for lab during summer break is kind of annoying. still, it's good to keep my lab skills sharp, and even to improve on them. yes, lab skills can deteriorate if not used for a while, just like things which require physical and mental dexterity. so far, i'm just helping my mentor run reactions. if all goes well, i may get second author credit if/when he publishes a paper. but seeing as i'm still in the holiday mood, i don't think that's likely to happen.

incidentally, my professor bought these mini valve/connector things, along with a large quantity of plastic tubing. so, i've hooked up my air pump to 2 air lines, as well as split one of my nitrogen lines into 3 outlets. when my lab senior saw me in the midst of fume hood improvement, he jokingly suggested that maybe this was the professor's way of getting me to do more columns and run more reactions concurrently. i THINK it's a joke, but the more i think about it, the less sure i get.

one side of my earphones' rubber/silicone cover things got lost after japanese class on tuesday. how coincidental that it was white, and it was lost on a white floor! also, i had to detour to take a toilet break that day, which means that the area of its probable location increased. since it was late, and i was tired, i didn't really search that hard. at least i know where to get one, after emailing the singapore retailer. i was super impressed because they replied my email early the very next morning. now i have to go down to their showroom in city hall to get my replacements. that'll figure into my schedule somehow.

call me a geek, but i think online stuff is almost as real as real-life stuff...as in, i get affected to a similar extent, sometimes even more. the nature of the disagreement is actually dissatisfaction with a system, kind of like most singaporeans' dissatisfaction with the government. so, my choice was to step away for a while, until we could discuss this with open minds. while i do kind of miss the people whom i've already grown close to, i figure they'll survive in my absence.

performing a judo kata is not easy. there are distances to measure, movements to coordinate, and techniques and sequences to memorize. my partner and i spent 3 months of weekends preparing for our grading kata. so, you may find it a little weird as to why i agreed to be uke ("victim") for my friend, considering that (1) i only have a week to prepare, (2) i've never done this particular kata before, and (3) we're not meeting up to practise at all. despite all that, the reason is actually very simple - he's my friend, and i know that he would do the same for me. in fact, he's like one of the 5 or so friends whom i would feel comfortable asking for a huge favour...like "i'm drunk out of my mind at 3:00am. can i come to your place and pass out?" kind of huge. in addition, he's also my kata teacher, the very person my partner and i owe our black belts to.

so, yes. while i may not be good, i'll be damned if i don't try my best. at this point in time, i've got about 80% of the required stuff committed to memory. since i don't have easy access to a dojo, my primary methods of preparation have been watching youtube videos and extensive visualization. taking that into consideration, i find the fact that i'm just a little unsure of some of the escapes, and shaky about the whole thing in general to be above expectations. figure a practice/troubleshooting session before the grading will settle that.

also in preparation for the grading, i went to borrow a new(er) gi from my junior/senior. he's younger than me, but has done judo for longer, see? we met in balestier, where he stays, and we had founder's bak kut teh for dinner, followed by rochor tau huay for dessert. it was...extremely satisfying. like he said, sometimes, happiness can be found in a bowl. the only minor spoiler to the evening was that a TV crew was filming at our dinner location, and i THINK the cameraman got some shots of us. not good, because i hate to be photographed/recorded, and we were eating pretty unglamourous food, too! as in, the way of eating was unglamourous. i challenge anyone to show me how you can eat bak kut teh like a sir.

the part-time work thing was actually quite uneventful so i'll skip blogging about it for now. basically just menial labour and some book organization. really nothing much to say about it right now.

it seems that my dad went ahead and balloted for a flat in punggol after all. don't know if we'll get it or not, but even if we do, moving's still at least 3 years into the future, for now, it'll remain as something in the back of my head i guess. though i must admit, with plans to build a 7-storey retirement home (or daycare centre, one of them) on the piece of land that is now a soccer field about 10 metres from my block, the prospect of moving has suddenly become more attractive.

well, that's everything typed out again, i think. or most of it, anyway. now, before my retard moment, i was about to blog about noteworthy events in the future, such as city hall tomorrow (later), tuition on saturday, my friend's grading on sunday(!), possibly going for CJC training next week, the referee seminar next saturday, which is in preparation for the competition on sunday. not to mention going back to lab for reactions, columns, and NMRs. i think that covers everything. looks like i'll be pretty busy.

-random thought of the day: Feeling slightly idiotic.-

With all the coughing i've been doing, i'm quite surprised that i haven't hacked up a lung yet. thankfully, the nose has more or less stopped running, though there's still some blockage. if all goes well, i think i should be all better within the next 2 days.

going back to school to meet my professor today was interesting. interesting in the sense that he asked me about my post-graduation plans even before honours year started. mentioning postgraduate studies seems to have been the right thing to do, because it seems that he's willing to reserve a place for me in his lab as a phd student if i confirm early. while i told him that i would give it some thought, odds are that my answer would be yes. just wonder if not looking around at other labs is advisable. admittedly, i'm not in a bad place now. but i wonder, are there better places out there? should i be content with my lot, or take a risk in the hopes of ending up with a better professor? that is, of course, assuming a better professor exists. the only thing i mildly dislike about my professor is that he sometimes doesn't reply until the very last minute...though i can understand why he does it sometimes, and he usually explains his rationale after the critical time has passed. in all honesty, i'd be happy to work for him, though probably on something different. the current synthesis i'm working on doesn't seem to be going that smoothly. or maybe it's just me and my lack of skill.

another thing my professor mentioned is that i could be more hardworking. no way am i going to dispute that. actually, i'm already incredibly grateful that he doesn't think i'm a complete slacker. i also heard that there are 3 other honours students. so far i know the identity of one of them, which leaves 2 more (a guy and a girl) to figure out. nothing serious to worry about, though.

plans for the near future involve going back to school to finish up my outstanding lab work, as well as to see if the new reagent has arrived yet. that'll probably happen tomorrow, unless i have a good reason for staying home. in other news, SJI and CJC aren't training for 2 weeks, so the next time i go back will probably be the end of june. coming back to closer stuff, i have to pay my library fines, and sort out this saturday's tuition schedule. even closer in the future (like "minutes away" kind of close), it's a nice rainy night. good because the weather is cool and i'll sleep well, a little annoying because nights like these make me wish i had someone to sleep with. to clarify, i do really mean just sleep when i say "sleep together", nothing else. but let's continue that train of thought in the next post...assuming i even continue it at all.

-random thought of the day: Can't remember what else i wanted to blog about.-

Very quickly, i'll try to say what's currently on my mind. with luck, i'll be done in under 5 paragraphs (excluding this brief introduction).

training camp is more or less over. just one more track session tomorrow and they're done. as usual, i'm kind of sad that the intensity has been reduced so much, but it seems that everyone is in better spirits as compared to the training camps of years past. the seniors were mostly useful in teaching grading syllabus, so at least we were utilized productively. got to spar for a bit too, and i'm resigned to the fact that the kids are getting stronger while i have simultaneously been getting weaker. just can't seem to move them around as easily any more. this will lead to the next point, but that comes a little later. what i want to say for this training camp is basically it was a good experience for the kids, and i got to meet a few other seniors (and juniors-turned-seniors) whom i haven't seen in close to a year. that made me happy beyond anything i've experienced so far this year.

sometimes, i question my right to wear a black belt...especially when it takes more effort than necessary to throw a junior (if i can even throw a junior in the first place). to me, having a dan rank means that i should be technically proficient, and able to demonstrate any technique in the syllabus with minimal preparation time. i should also conduct myself appropriately, like not abusing my knowledge/skill. and i should also be able to lead by example, by doing at LEAST everything that the kids do, and ideally, even more. sadly, it seems that i can't achieve the basic standard that i would expect from another person holding my rank. so, the question is, do i really deserve my current rank? intuitively, the answer is "no". i don't think that i can live up to my own (fairly reasonable) expectations. next question, "how now?". the 2 most obvious answers which come to mind are (1) quit judo. (2) get better. volunteering for demotion is out of the question, as i do not believe the federation practises such procedures. from the realistic scenarios, each has pros and cons. i really like judo, so quitting would be kind of like...turning my back on a treasured friend (for lack of a better analogy). getting better has its own associated set of problems too, because with honours starting in a couple of months, there simply isn't enough time for effective training. you know, the possibility of taking a year off after graduation to focus on my physical fitness has crossed my mind. i don't know if that will ever materialize, but at least i have it on record that i actually thought about it before. just for future reference.

during the camp, i also met that someone from last year. i think i'm truly over that person, because i didn't feel the usual stab of regret/sadness/helplessness/mild anger when i saw them. instead, i just felt neutral, and maybe a slight bit of resignation. after a brief (like 30-second) conversation, i think that we'll probably be awkward around each other for a long time...at least i will be. the quite-close friendship which we used to have is, i feel, sunk (get it? ship, sunk?). at the end of the day, i guess it's for the best. they have their own life to lead, while i have to focus on more important stuff, too. although i had my suspicions about the reason for the facebook block, hearing it out of their mouth gave me a sense of closure, which was kind of comforting. to be honest, though, i'm still not entirely sure what "incident" they were referring to. but it's been almost a year since then. no...wait. *quick archive check* it has been exactly one year and one day since i wrote that "goodbye to you" post. probably it's for the best that i don't remember. too much emotional baggage isn't good for the heart and soul.

all throughout yesterday and today, i was feeling pretty good, confident that i had shaken off that mild bout of illness...until like an hour ago. maybe i set the car's air-con temperature too low, but for some reason, my nose is now running slightly. makes me less inclined to go down tomorrow, but i have promises to fulfill. if i were to ask myself honestly, i would still want to go down because tomorrow would probably be the best time to catch that person alone, and find out exactly what i did to warrant such a reaction. but do i want to stick a knife into a wound that's already more or less healed? i don't know. depending on how i feel tomorrow, and the decision made by a coin toss, i'll weigh my options. though if i were to give you a "touch my heart" answer right now...yes, i would really want to find out why. i'm my own worst enemy sometimes. well, we'll see if i feel well enough to drive tomorrow.

-random thought of the day: Where did I put my DVD drive driver installer CD?-

Short update on Sunday, 3 June 2012, 2:07pm.

Ended up not going down to CJC today. didn't feel good enough when i woke up. in an odd sort of way, i'm quite happy that i didn't go down to talk to that person. guess it's best to just let some things be. i don't expect to be added back to their facebook, though it would be nice. either way, life still goes on. things i have to do include my japanese homework, and return my (overdue) DVDs to the library. if time permits, i should get some playtime in for city of heroes, too. otherwise, my subscription is wasted. most importantly, i really hope my nose clears up by today, or at least within the next 2 days.