Truth be told, things aren't going too well. in my head, i mean. i'll talk about that soon, but i want to first mention the interesting experience i had while attempting to do IC re-registration. you see, singaporeans are legally obligated to get new ICs at 3 key ages in their lives - 15, 30, and 55. they sent me the notice last year close to my birthday, and told me that i had until my 31st birthday to get it done. being the master procrastinator that i am, i put it off till 2 days before my birthday. i hadn't been to ICA for more than a year; the last time i went in was to get my passport renewed. some noteworthy changes since then are that the photo-taking service is gone, and a cluster of photo shops have popped up at the HDB blocks nearby. i wonder what caused this arrangement. from what i understand, the photo company was directly contracted by ICA, so they would crop and upload the photos that they'd taken to the ICA database without any further action needed from us. that was way more convenient than having to go out of the building again and choosing between the multiple photo shops.

anyway, i chose the nearest photo shop and after a painful 10 minutes of taking the photo, i went back to the ICA building to get the IC done. a self-service terminal became available after another another painful 10 minutes' wait (there was this lady who kept logging in and out to find her desired e-service). i finally got into the system...and was told that i was ineligible for IC re-registration. by that time, i was mildly annoyed already, so i went to get a queue number to speak with a human being. the nice lady i ended up speaking to told me that as i had replaced my IC within the past 10 years, i didn't have to do re-registration after all. it seems that re-registration is only applicable for people who have held the same IC for more than 10 years including the year of their 30th birthday. so, since i got my IC replaced in 2009, i was barely within the allowable period. the lesson i got from this is that if you've had your IC replaced at any time in your twenties, you don't have to re-register at 30. cost me $7 in photo fees, $2 in parking fees, and 1 hour of time to learn that, but at least i made the mistake so that you don't have to. i was also quite amused because the lady i was speaking to called me "ah boy". at 30 years old (well, 31 now), i can hardly be called an "ah boy" any more. but it did make me laugh a bit, so that's all good.

now, for not good stuff. despite my plans to be healthier and all that, i think that i'm still depressed. it has never felt right for me to say this, especially when i don't have many big problems, and when there are people out there who are genuinely suffering. but it's the truth that i haven't been happy in longer than i want to remember. i mean sure, there are little moments of joy and laughter, like the old boys' gatherings every saturday. it's all very temporary, though. what's more worrying to me is that the depression is manifesting in physically observable phenomena, like low energy, increased time spent sleeping, negative thoughts, and just general apathy. thankfully, i think that i'm still somewhat high-functioning, because i can still summon the energy to do things that i know need to be done, like tuition or the IC thing. i've been trying to find the root cause, and apart from things that i need to speak to a counsellor about, i've identified a couple other things. one of those things is present living arrangements. it's also part of the reason why i'm so eager to go to japan, because it'll give me a chance to live on my own. truth be told, i do somewhat envy my friends who are able to be best friends with their parents/siblings, and do activities together like going out for dinner, watching movies, etc. before you even ask, it's simply not possible in my case. to avoid too much dirty laundry being aired, i'll just say that there are irreconcilable differences. to be fair, i have never wanted for food, shelter, and money, so credit where it's due. unfortunately, bringing up a child isn't just about meeting its material needs. i should really write what "why i won't have kids" post soon. ok. target: before the end of the year.

another reason for my depression might be because there's nothing to look forward to in the near future. no work, no events. kind of bleak, isn't it? my JET application package is coming together nicely, with the only really pressing thing being a letter of recommendation from my NUS japanese lecturer. other outstanding things include getting a certificate of clearance from the police (in lieu of a criminal record), and going for a quick health exam, both of which i can settle very quickly. my personal deadline is to submit it on 05 november, so i've got a week and a bit to get all that done. definitely manageable as long as the letter gets done in time.

maybe as a consequence of the negative feelings, i've been thinking about death and suicide a fair bit. i'll just insert a huge disclaimer here that i'm not about to commit suicide. too much of a chicken to go through with it. but i have thought (on more than one occasion) that i'm wasting my life, and that my existence at this point in time is fairly insignificant. i'm willing to bet that there are so many lesser-privileged people who, in my current position, would put my skills and talents to much greater use. assuming that my skills and talents are still relevant, that is. i do think that this lack of activity contributes to how some senior citizens just kind of wither away and die shortly after retirement. too much free time on their hands with nothing productive to do. at the same time, it's hard, you know? in fact, it's especially ironic/paradoxical that my energy levels are so low despite getting above-average amounts of sleep. at night, i'll have some things i want to do the next day planned out - like go to the gym, get groceries, cook, whatever. but when i wake up the next morning, i just stay in bed doing goodness knows what until it's mid- to late afternoon. by then, i probably only have enough time to do maybe 1 of the 3 or 4 things that i'd planned for. honestly, i don't know what i can do to break out of this cycle. my usual self-talk doesn't work, and it just seems easier to stay in my room and let time pass. i don't like using this word, but i see no better description - it's pathetic.

on the topic of death and dying, though, i've also wondered what my last post on this blog will be, how it will look like, etc. of course, if nature takes its course, i will never know what my last post will be. it might even be this one, if i meet an untimely end in the near future. i did think of scheduling a post that would only get published by a certain date, and extending the publish date manually for as long as i'm alive. that way, it would only get published if i was unable to extend the date, and therefore serve as a last post. i further thought about what i'd write, and therein lay the problem. i don't know how my circumstances will change in the future! i may feel differently about some things, or meet other people, so it doesn't really make sense for me to pre-write anything. well, since i don't intend to take my own life, and given my relatively young age, i hope that i won't have to worry about this for many more years to come. or maybe i'll find a better way to do it.

i read an article that talked about the phrase "anything worth doing is worth doing poorly". motivational speakers and/or people who've been in the army are more accustomed to the version of this saying that ends with "well". but i didn't make a mistake, this version applies too. imagine this. you're supposed to jump out of bed every morning, brush your teeth, shower, and face the world with a smile. but when you're weighed down with negative thoughts and feelings, even climbing out of bed and standing up can be an achievement. i guess i should aim to do things poorly for a while, because some progress beats no progress.

perhaps another cause for this depression is that i'm aimless. up till grad school, my choices seem to have been laid out. that's not to say i didn't choose my direction up to this point, but i've always had a compass and safety barriers. like, i knew that i wanted to pursue chemistry. and to do that, i knew that the route for me would be JC. but now, after graduating, there are so many choices! obviously, something related to my degree would be ideal, but i'm afraid that i won't measure up. to this day, i'm still half convinced that i don't deserve my degree. the experience at the IP firm didn't help things, but at least i have an excuse that the legal aspect of the job is outside my expertise. i've really been questioning my purpose in life. there's this japanese term called ikigai, which translates to "reason for living". it's when that thing has all the aspects of: something you're good at, something you like, something that earns you money, and something that fulfills a need from others or society. i used to think that mine was chemistry, be it doing it or teaching it, but i've had to reevaluate that. i think what's missing from my 4 aspects is "something you (i) like". no, let me rephrase that in the context of my tuition job. i like teaching kids. but i don't get fulfillment from it. because at the end of the day, all i'm doing is preparing them for exams. in my almost full year at the learning lab, i think i've only met one student from whom i can feel the passion/love for chemistry. and i wasn't the one responsible for lighting that spark either! will teaching in japan be different? i honestly don't know. i'm just hoping that the students there will have a different perspective of learning.

based on the above paragraph, i wonder if giving myself an aim will help to dispel this depression? or at least it'll keep my mind busy enough to not dwell on negatives. i'm considering sending in an application to work at an SME, one that makes chocolate! i figure that it'll give me something to do, some extra cash, and let me be around one of my favourite foods. provided that they do decide to take me on, that is. well, it's worth a shot anyway.

-random thought of the day: Nothing comes to mind.-

Finally got into the gym yesterday. it was good to move my body again, although i'm aching like mad today. i think it's time i changed my approach to this fitness thing, to take a bit more responsibility and to be more independent. like figuring out what exercises to do, calorie intake, etc. i mean, this should be easy compared to research, right? and considering that i know my own body and my own limits, i think it would be more productive for me to design the program myself. of course, the downside is that i don't have experience in this, and therefore it may require a longer period to find something that really works. in that spirit, i've also bitten the bullet, and done a full-body analysis with the machine that sends electrical currents through your body. i don't know how it compares to the manual method that's preferred by the genesis coaches, but there's a huge discrepancy in the numbers. i think that i'll stick to this method of measurement for consistency. not going to post the numbers here, because they're horrifying. i had a brief chat with one of the trainers there, who was nice enough to suggest some stuff. he did mention physical training packages, though i'm thankful that he wasn't pushy in selling them. my preliminary idea is to base my calculations on the target of losing 1kg per week.

on the food front, my fermentation projects have been yielding good results. i got a little ambitious and did 4 jars of stuff for a first run - cabbage (sauerkraut); celery, carrots, and baby corn; cauliflower, onions, and garlic; and one jar of pure garlic. among these 4 jars, i think the onion/cauliflower one smells the best. it's smells meaty/savoury, despite not containing any meat. not sure how i'm making that association. perhaps because onions are usually served as a side to meat? the fermentation's been going on for about a week now, and the vegetables have all acquired a pleasant sour tang. i've been testing their flavour on and off for the past few days and haven't fallen sick, so i think that i'm doing something right. the plan is to work my way slowly through the jars, then refill them with vegetables once they're just about empty. to my knowledge, the fermentation brine should be good indefinitely, unless something gross starts growing on it. the garlic needs to go way longer, though, the sharp pungent taste was still present when i last tried it a few days back. fermented drinks are going well too - i found a cycle that works for me for both kombucha and water kefir (4-5 days for the former, 2-2.5 days for the latter). i think that having these things to maintain gives me something to keep myself busy with.

there are a couple of important things coming up. SEA games (based on the lack of info to date, i doubt i'll be refereeing), hopefully getting an interview with NUS, and finding a good time to re-register for my IC. the deadline is before my 31st birthday, which means that i still have a few days' timeframe to get it done. should probably aim to do it within this week, maybe thursday. if past experience has taught me anything, it's that i should be prepared to spend a lot of time at the ICA building.

you know, i realize that i've been working on the assumption that (at least) one of my current plans will work out. the thought of complete failure hasn't really crossed my mind. but in the event that NUS and JET both don't happen, there's still the private company route. it's less optimal in terms of effort-to-earnings ratio, but hey, it's a way forward. i should know the outcome of the NUS thing by this week, and my plan is to submit the JET application by mid- to end-october (assuming i turn down the NUS offer). i think things will work out, one way or another. just have to revise my statement of purpose a little more, and see that i have all other relevant documentation.

on a semi-related tangent, i still haven't downloaded any dating apps. somehow, i feel like meeting more people, but at the same time, i don't want the potential drama and conflict that can accompany meeting new people. i'm really too old for that stuff. i did think about finding a gym buddy, for additional motivation to go to the gym. we don't even have to spot each other or work out together. just having that presence and the "obligation" (for lack of a better word) to go down would be helpful enough for me. maybe i'll start exploring this in more depth when i feel my motivation flagging again.

-random thought of the day: Having allergic skin reactions to something again.-

Got some bleh news just now - that my job application at my cousin's workplace is unlikely to go through, because there are other candidates further along in the recruitment process. i am kind of bummed and upset about it, but let me make it clear that i'm not upset with my cousin at all. what upsets me is that i didn't even get a chance for an interview, and that i'm not able to secure what looks and sounds like a great job with great benefits. i was told that they'd keep me in mind and that they'd consider me for other positions in the future, but i don't know if they mean it, or if that's just polite talk to get rid of candidates who they didn't hire. regardless, it's not something to dwell on.

interestingly enough, another job offer came in just today, from a professor friend. it's for a department in NUS, but not chemistry. the job scope is related to research, but different enough from actual research that i'll have to learn quite a lot of stuff. nothing i can't handle, i think. of course, i know that this job isn't guaranteed either, and i suppose it wouldn't hurt to just go for the interview and see what it's all about, and find out about other aspects of the job as well. it's a one-year contract, though, and i don't know if there's potential for extension. but let's not think that far ahead yet.

tying in to the previous post about the typical singaporean psyche, i read an article about how to write a letter that will be published in the straits times forum pages. granted, the straits times isn't worth the paper it's printed upon, so having your view aired there isn't much to shout about. anyway. the article mentioned something about "entitlement" and "aggressive stupidity", which i think are adjectives that i've been unknowingly looking for to describe typical singaporean behaviour. it might be easier to tackle each one separately. entitlement is defined as "the belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment". what constitutes entitlement? in today's society, it's a bit hard to tell. like, is it entitled of me to expect the internet service (which i paid for) to be available whenever i need it? possibly, given that occasional disruptions are inevitable. this entitlement thing (or fear of being labelled/seen as entitled) has kind of given rise to a thing on reddit called "am i the asshole?" or AITA for short. it worries me, that people are unable to determine that for themselves these days. as for aggressive stupidity, it's like the example i cited previously about people blaming the telcos when it was a construction company's fault. what's worse is that some people make leaps of logic and end up forming incorrect correlations and conclusions...although that might not be a problem that's exclusive to singapore. on a whole though, i do think that singaporeans are entitled to some degree, perhaps partially due to the asian idea of elders always being right regardless of the facts. and somehow, people expect others to give way to them. many people have said it before me - first world infrastructure, third world citizens. it still holds true.

kind of troubling that lots of undergrads (and people in general) have been in the news for outrage of modesty offences lately. i wonder though, is it that more people are committing these offences recently, or that more people are getting caught? the first would be more worrying, probably. i said it before while talking about the NUS undergrad case - i don't understand why they do it. are they so bored or so in need of new stimulation that they have to resort to such extremes? the sad thing is that most of them are decent-looking, and should have no trouble finding a partner, who would probably engage in M18 activities consensually. i guess it also shows that perverts come in all shapes and sizes. what's the cause, though? are we too repressed as a society? maybe it's the stress from overemphasis on work and results. japan seems to suffer from a similar problem. the judgement/sentence from one of these cases caused a public outcry, because the offender was given a slap on the wrist as he had good grades. i know singapore is supposed to be a meritocratic society, but this is going a little far, isn't it? it gives the school a bad rep too. now the running joke is that NUS students are above the law and needn't fear punishment. sigh.

i'll just end the post here. it's a little abrupt, but i don't think i'm the the proper frame of mind to blog any more. should probably do the post on why i won't have kids; that's been rattling around in my head for a little too long now. given the aforementioned development in the job hunt, i guess i'll send my resume to my professor friend and see what comes out of it. the JET application is still on, by the way, so best case is that just one of them goes through, so that i don't have to reject anyone. worst case is nothing going through, but let's not think of that.

-random thought of the day: Fermentation is fun!-