Everything is a learning experience. before talking about the UK in detail, i just want to say that the most recent learning experience i got from it is that i don't care for long-haul flights. i mean, i'll survive on them if it's really necessary, but i wouldn't travel outside of asia and oceania again by choice unless there was a really good reason. can't believe i thought that i'd fly back and forth about once a year if i managed to start a life in the UK!

where should i start with the UK reflections? my feelings might be a good starting point. as far as safety goes, on a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is fearing for my life and 10 is being completely at ease, i'd say i was at about a 6.5 on most days. granted, that was because i was located in a small little town outside of london. in london, that number would probably be about 4 to 4.5, even lower when i caught wind of the riots. lucky i didn't have reason to be in london on those days! i really don't know how people in regions of the world less safe than singapore and japan can stand to live wherever they do. i guess a big part of it is desensitization, plus if that's all you know since birth, that's your default state. but for someone like me who's been privileged enough to live in exceedingly safe locations, acclimatization is tough.

on a more social level, i didn't really feel discriminated against in the UK. i didn't experience any outright racism, anyway. i guess because i don't speak english with the typical chinese/japanese accent. i do wonder if the few instances of cashiers muttering remarks while serving me (including the "don't talk to me that way" episode) were due to racial feelings. but well, that reflects on them more than it does on me.

you know that story about the carrot, egg, and coffee bean? the one where they react differently to being placed in hot water. i feel like i managed to be a coffee bean in japan, letting the circumstances bring out the best in me. that's why i'm so happy about it, i guess. in contrast, i felt a little like a carrot for the UK experience. going in full of confidence and with hope that things would work out, only to be broken down by the cost of living and inability to land a job, among other things. well, good thing i have a safety net!

for all the smack i've been talking about it, i don't think the UK is necessarily a bad place. one way that i wish singapore would learn from the UK is LGBT acceptance. while in town one day, i saw 2 guys holding hands as they walked down the street. it brought a smile to my face. while it's technically possible in singapore, i'm willing to bet almost anything that some kaypoh bystander would take photos and/or videos, and STOMP or some other media outlet would pick it up. and it's that kind of thinking that deters people from doing it. kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy. also, the OUThouse organizes LGBT socials and support groups. don't know if singaporean LGBT charities do similar stuff, although i can imagine people not daring to go for fear of being outed. i wonder, am i catastrophizing about the state of LGBT issues in singapore? maybe. i guess it's due to the past and my perception of it being precedents. perhaps i should be more positive and hope for change?

the most important thing the UK has done for me is to give me perspective. it's shown me that contrary to what i believed, i'm not ready to take the world on solo. and that's ok. at least i have a safety net to fall back on in the form of singapore. i also think that this helped me define my limits a bit more, as far as travel and going to other countries in concerned. right now, i think anywhere within a 6 hour radius around singapore by direct flight would be great, and i'll tolerate up to 8 hours if needed. good thing japan is very comfortably within the 6-hour zone! overall, i think the 70 days i spent in the UK were...eye-opening. i wouldn't go so far as to say they were good, but i think they were necessary to put any regrets that i might have had to rest. at this point, i don't see myself going back, not even for holidays. but never say never, right? my visa is still good, and there's always going there on a tourist visa besides.

looking forward, lots of things to do! i'm broadly dividing my efforts into the 3 categories of lifestyle, work, and social. so far i've ordered a bunch of new bedding. figured it's time to replace my current set, which i've used since moving into this house in 2016. some staining also developed on the bedframe itself in the 3 years i was away, but i think it can still be used for a bit. i'll probably do a major overhaul when i get my own place. other things to do today: a shopee return and a haircut. i'll go into specifics about my plans tomorrow. this post is long enough as it is. quick forecast: lunch and mahjong with scary JC friend tomorrow - maybe i'll drop by my friend's mother's music school again since i didn't catch her before leaving for the UK. might see my cousin and his family tomorrow or over the weekend. need to set up a meeting with the guy too. given his lack of communication recently, i don't know how successful that will be. well...no expectations.

-random thought of the day: Surprisingly not super jetlagged.-

Maths time! at the time of starting this post (10am on monday), i have about 29 more hours until i have to leave for the airport and about 36 hours until my 13-hour flight, meaning that i'll be in singapore in 49 hours, give or take a bit. in that time, i have today's lunch and dinner, as well as tomorrow's lunch to plan for. i could probably make do with whatever i have left in the fridge, but i'm thinking i might make a quick supermarket run. it's also an excuse for me to get ice cream. dinner today will be pork steaks and mushrooms, tomorrow's lunch will be an omelette. i'm all done with laundry, although i may consider doing one last load in the early evening (it should dry by tomorrow morning). packing's 90% done, just my backpack and some last-minute stuff to go. all in all, definitely less of a task than moving out of japan. but it's to be expected, since i only spent 2 months here compared to 41 months in japan.

speaking of japan, i wanted to give a shoutout to japanese quality. the metric i'm using here is battery life. my wireless mouse runs on a single AA battery. in japan, i got batteries from daiso, 100 yen for 4. each one lasts between 2 to 3 months. over here, i got batteries from poundland (the "cheap" store"), 1 pound (about 190 yen) for 8. each battery lasts me about 1.5 weeks, 2 if i'm being generous. this means i'd get 16 weeks of mouse usage on a full pack of batteries here compared to 32 to 48 weeks in japan. worse is, the battery here just suddenly ups and dies, unlike the japan one where my mouse will still flash a low battery warning. or maybe it's technology and not quality. ah, whatever it is, japan has the UK beat in this aspect.

not much to update on the relationship front. the guy is starting to slut it up on twitter again. no judgement on my end. the only thing i will say is that his actions are proving contrary to his claim about wanting a monogamous relationship. and i realize that i can't trust him. the way he talks makes me think that he's not ready to settle down. so...i'll keep it casual. things are going well with the other guy i'm talking to (the one who's older than me). i guess he stopped seeing me as a romantic prospect, which i'm not particularly torn up over. he's still caring and nice to talk to, although his misuse of english irks me sometimes. also, there's another thing. it's complicated enough that i'll give it its own paragraph.

this next bit might be politically incorrect, but please bear with me first. in singapore, there are 2 kinds of gay guys, broadly speaking. first, masculine guys who like guys. you know, the ones who could pass of as straight from the way they act. then, there's the other type of gay guy who's more camp. the difference extends to mentality too; i've heard some of the latter group refer to each other as "sis" and call their collective group "姐妹". it gives me the impression that they see themselves as female? or maybe as queens, i don't know which. makes me think there's a bit of trans identity mixed in there somewhere. for me, i've never wanted to be addressed with feminine pronouns or to be associated with being female. to be clear, i'm comfortable enough in my own gender identity/expression that i'm not going to go off the deep end if someone calls me "sis" or anything. i might even play along if it's all in good fun. but fundamentally, my identity is that i'm a regular guy who happens to like other guys instead of girls. i honestly don't know if i could date that kind of camp/somewhat female-identifying gay guy, which is what this older guy seems to be. just to clarify: it's not a physical appearance thing, but more of a mentality/behaviour thing. still, i'm happy to be friends with him and maybe meet him for occasional meals.

so, looks like i'm back to square one as far as dating is concerned. how apt/annoying (i can't decide which one) that i'm looking for a partner and a job at the same time! i guess the skillsets involved are sort of transferable between the two. of course if push came to shove, i'd focus on the job hunt more. speaking of which, i noticed that jobstreet will send me notification emails that a position's ad has expired. while it's not shown anywhere during the ad's active period, the email shows me how many people applied for the job. so far, i've seen numbers ranging from 47 to close to 200. like seriously!? those numbers aren't helping my mental state and perception of the difficulty of the job hunt as well as the unemployment situation in singapore. then again, i suppose some of the applicants are currently employed and looking to jump ship. i'll do a more detailed post on my post-UK plans as well as a UK reflections post when i'm settled in in singapore.

with what's left of my time in the UK, i don't think i have very many more things to do. it's too late to order stuff online now, unless they offer same-day delivery. can't think of anything that i need, anyway! i suppose i should spend the time finishing up the packing, and making plans for singapore. but first, groceries! that ice cream might boost my mood.

-random thought of the day: Feeling mild jitters.-

For a change of pace, i'm going to blog about things to do once i'm back in singapore. off the top of my head, i can think of getting a haircut, and getting a new phone line. haircut is pretty self-explanatory, i think. need to look more presentable for interviews. unfortunately, my hair is wavy by nature and can look a little unruly if left to grow out. i was/am(?) actually quite envious of my japanese kids because they have such soft, straight hair. i'm aware it's genetics, so there isn't a permanent solution. have to make the best of what i have, and in this case, it means short hair. i will never understand what possessed me to have that long hair phase in undergrad. nor do i know how i survived it, especially in singapore's weather and while being decently active in judo!

as for the phone line, my original plan was to port my number over to eight (that's a telco). but i've since read about people having trouble porting out of it, and that's made me reconsider. retired cousin might call this my sentimentality at work again, but i really don't want to lose or even risk losing my phone number. i've had it for probably about 20 years now, and it's really easy to remember. so, the alternative is to sign up for a second number. thanks to my phone being dual-sim, it can accommodate another line no problem. i'm thinking of using an esim, just for convenience and to see how it works. i'll be able to retain my number, and even have a spare for like work contacts vs personal. best part, the bill for 2 lines will only come up to $13 per month. quite a good deal! and if the porting issues stabilize in the future, i can think of consolidating my services under my main number. back when i was a kid, i never understood why some people would opt to have 2 numbers. granted, it was also because the technological limitations back then meant having 2 phones, 1 for each line. so troublesome! now, it's so much easier.

i should elaborate a bit more on my healthy lifestyle plans. like i briefly mentioned last time, the main focus is going to be on monitoring calories and macronutrients. i'm consciously avoiding the term "counting calories" despite the catchy alliteration, because i don't want to go too crazy over it. i don't need super high precision. an error of plus minus 100-150 calories is still acceptable to me. in more concrete terms, i'm going to find out my basal metabolic rate (BMR) using the body composition scale, then adjust my intake to be BMR minus X calories. the scientific principle is simple. burning more than you eat means your body will use up the stored energy.

the main thing is to cut down on snacking and increase protein intake instead. protein supposedly helps you feel full and builds muscle, so that's a 2 in 1 benefit. going to stick to drinking water most of the time as i'm already doing, will cut down even more on sugar and carbs too. that's the diet part. for exercise, the plan is to work out 3 times a week to start, maybe increasing to 4 or a maximum of 5 over time. i think more than 5 is doing it to excess. the plan here is to push myself reasonably. paradoxical as that sounds, it means rather than trying to squeeze out reps or using too-heavy weights, i want to focus on my form. things like protecting my back while deadlifting and squatting. the last thing i want right now is an injury.

also, i want to make sure i get enough rest and recovery. this means maintaining good sleeping hours and maybe just doing light stretching and mobility stuff on non-workout days, maybe cardio if i feel fitter. need to do more research into a program to follow. i saw some success with the stronglifts program (a split program of squats, bench press, overhead press, deadlifts, and rows), but i think there's room to do more. i'm also considering signing up for a gym membership. haven't decided where exactly yet, but the NUS alumni guild house one looks tempting. and since i'm in the last year of eligibility for discounted rates, might as well right? not that signing up for something close to the end of the eligibility window has always worked out...just look at my UK visa!

4 full days and 1 day of travelling before i'm back in singapore. don't think i'll go to the museum after all; doesn't feel worth the time although admission is free. unless i can drag myself there tomorrow or saturday, then i might get a coin battery for my luggage scales at the nearby poundland. if not, i'll apply for a few more jobs while i'm here. need to make a new version of my resume for them unfortunately, so that'll take some time. i'm kind of hoping that i'll get at least interviews for the PGDE-less teaching jobs. but it does feel quite short-sighted, you know? like, i've said that teaching isn't a long-term career to me. so, what am i going to do next after teaching? won't that mean starting from the ground up again? well...i'll just have to do my best and see what the universe gives me.

-random thought of the day: Feeling excited to go home!-

Phase 1 of packing is done. in true murphy's law fashion, my luggage scales died. might be out of battery, but the problem is it runs on a coin-type battery and not cylindrical ones. i figure that i could use the free scales at heathrow, or in the worst case pay for some extra baggage. to be safe, i think i'll load up my carry-ons a bit more.

updates to the list! more items got cancelled off, and this is how it looks now:

- eat fish and chips, take photos for my former co-teacher

- get stuff for my nieces

- visit the museum, maybe the castle and library too

- visit bank to deposit remaining cash

- do last few loads of laundry (1 or 2 more)

- pack, including luggage weight distribution (half-done)

- grocery runs (tomorrow and next week)

- apply to more jobs (ongoing)

- transfer money out of UK bank account and into wise

looks to be on-schedule. i've just got a few loose items on my desk, which i will settle by the end of the week. mustn't forget that i've got to make allowance for my keyboard too. i thought of buying extra baggage, but it's going to be a hard pass at 75 pounds for 5kg. i would rather struggle a bit more with heavier carry-ons.

recent job applications have caused me to reexamine what i value in a job. while the experience and growth/progression opportunities are important, salary is also becoming a major influencing factor. like, i saw an international school hiring chemistry teachers, and they advertised a starting pay of $6000 with the potential to cross 5 digits eventually. best part, the job description didn't state the PGDE as a requirement. i'm just going to apply and see how it goes. after all, i only have a chance if i apply.

feeling a little bleh about job applications now. somehow i feel like i'm lowballing myself. consider this - my friend who's a graduate in a niche yet shrinking field (paradoxical, i know) is earning about $7000 with about 4 to 5 years of experience. i feel like i should be asking more than the $5000 to $5500 that i put down on most applications. at the same time, i'm scared to do so because i think it sounds overly demanding. i guess it's because JET isn't really relevant outside of teaching, and i only have limited experience in the chemical world. the most important thing now is actually to land an interview/offer in this horrible job market. salary negotiations can come later.

this time next week, i should be back in singapore. just 5 more full days in the UK, plus the last day where i'll be at home for half a day and then spend 4-ish hours travelling to heathrow. seems like i'll be going without showering for 22-ish hours. not fun. at least i don't expect to sweat much in the UK, as long as i walk at a leisurely pace and don't have to rush for anything. i'll plan to leave the house earlier and maybe even take breaks along the way. just hoping everything goes well.

-random thought of the day: Should i spend 2 pounds on the bus instead?-

9 more days until my flight. we're finally in the single digits! i'm aware that the times and maybe dates of my posts in the UK appear off. that's because i didn't change the blog's reference timezone. same with japan, but a 7-hour difference is more noticeable than just 1 hour. it still feels like such a long time. but i know it will pass.

since the last post, i've managed to do a grocery run and get some stuff for my nieces. that was thursday, where i walked 17000+ steps over 5 hours. that resulted in some knee aching. probably the remnants of old injuries. my calves still feel a little tender. i do need to get in better shape. while i saw some success during JET, i want to do it more systematically this time. i've proven that i can lose weight without exercise. so now, i'll put some exercise into the mix. going to make sure not to overdo it, though. an unhealthy impression of exercise that i have is that it doesn't count unless i'm working to exhaustion and sore all over the next day. need to recondition my brain to accept that going light/easy is fine too. i'll probably dedicate an entire post to the changes i plan to make, but the sneak preview is macronutrient balancing, protein powder, and a body composition weighing scale.

checking back to my list, here's how it looks now:

- eat fish and chips, take photos for my former co-teacher

- get stuff for my nieces (technically half-done)

- visit the museum, maybe the castle and library too

- visit bank to deposit remaining cash

- do last few loads of laundry

- pack, including luggage weight distribution

- grocery runs (tomorrow and next week)

- apply to more jobs (ongoing)

- transfer money out of UK bank account and into wise

i'll probably do the second half of shopping plus the museum visit tomorrow. groceries on wednesday, maybe thursday, depending on when i run out of vegetables. i should be good meat-wise until friday. reminder to self: i only need to plan meals until tuesday lunch. accounting for drying time, the last day i can do laundry would be next sunday, although i'll probably do a couple of runs in the interim if only to use up more of my detergent pods. transferring money can be done on my last day. thinking of closing this bank account, as i doubt i'll ever need it again. but who knows what the future may hold? we'll see.

sometimes i wonder how much i'd miss out on if i just kept to myself. my cousin-in-law asked me to buy stuff from this clothing store called primark. while i was at my local branch, i noticed that they had exercise attire going for cheap. 4 pounds for a dri-fit/ventilating t-shirt, 10 pounds for workout shorts. the material feels pretty good too; might get a few pairs. clothes shopping here is quite an ego boost! all my life i've needed X sizes. but here, i fit into an L. feels good! don't think i've mentioned it yet, but i want to refresh my wardrobe a bit. i threw out a whole bunch of damaged clothes during my 6 weeks in in singapore, but that was only phase 1. need to look through my storage too. might look into getting rid of my judo things as well, since i don't see myself ever wearing them again. even then, i'll probably keep the belt. that's for future me to think about.

for the remainder of today, i don't intend on doing anything huge. just rotting around and gaming, mostly. poking around on shoppee too, to see if i can buy anything in advance so they'll be delivered around the time i'm due back. so far i'm thinking of exercise towels, protein powder, and the weighing scale. a little reluctant to buy clothes online, because i'm still a believer in trying them on for the fit. planning on making trip 2 to primark either tomorrow or tuesday. and on the day that i stay home, i'll pack.

-random thought of the day: Need more ways to kill time!-

Adding insult to injury, the UK IP firm declined my application AGAIN. i know, it doesn't matter since i don't intend to stay here any more. i just thought that after so many rounds of rejection, maybe i could be the one doing the rejecting for a change! but it is what it is. and it's frustrating, that's what it is! on paper, i match the criteria perfectly, even exceeding them in some places. guess the determining factor is something behind the scenes, like visa status, age, race, or whatever. i hate it. while i know that most people will tell me "that's how the world works, deal with it", i wonder if i could change that? like, if i were to start my own recruitment agency and be super transparent about everything. better yet, i'd ask for feedback from the companies about why someone wasn't hired and if the candidate could address those points, the company would be legally/contractually obligated to hire that candidate. wishful thinking, i know. it's a free market economy, after all. never hurt to dream a little!

feeling just a little bit irritated now. my cousin-in-law wants me to get clothes and stuff from here for my nieces. no, that's not the irritating bit. i'm happy to oblige, but she's taking a while to get back to me about the sizes and designs that she's looking for. it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things; perhaps the whole IP firm thing is just making my mood worse in general. plus, i want to settle it ASAP so i can work out luggage distribution. good thing i can buy off-the-counter, so there's no need to wait for delivery. and in the worst case, i'll just go back without buying anything. in this case, the items aren't essential so i feel less bad about not getting them. i was supposed to go today, but then no communication plus i got lazy means that it'll be pushed to tomorrow. i figure if i still don't hear anything, i'll just go into the shop, take photos of what's available, and ask her to choose.

speaking of delivery, i was looking at another pen. this pen is unique because it's quite sleek and has a magnetic cap. while there are aluminum models in pretty colours, the model i've got my eye on is made of titanium, with a titanium nib. sounds so futuristic! since i've made some money on ebay, why not, right? thing is, this pen alone will wipe out most of my ebay profits. and it takes between 7-15 days to deliver. given that i'm flying in 13 days and counting, it seems a bit risky. also, i'm not exactly in the position to splurge on unnecessary stuff now. good thing i checked the delivery charges - it's the same to singapore and to the UK. so i guess i can hold off for now and place an order when i'm in a better financial position. as mentioned earlier, this is a want. more points against it: the cap doesn't post (ie. it can't be stuck on the back of the pen), the filling system is cartridge/converter which isn't the most exciting, it doesn't have a clip. long story short, it can wait.

changing one's mindset is so powerful. things with the guy are neutral now. i'm talking to him as if he were just another human being with no special status to me. newton's third law is serving me well. not a psychology/psychiatry professional here (which one is it in this case?) but i suspect he has some form of sociopathic/antisocial disorder. when asking me to be his backup partner, he told me that he wasn't concerned about my feelings because he'd only known me for such a short time. just yesterday, he asked me out of the blue if i cared for him. i actually burst out laughing at the incredulity of it all! he also asked me to stop M18 interactions with other guys, saying that he'd provide content for me. and my first thought was 'what gives you the right to make that demand of me?' i get the feeling that he's trying to get back into my good books and/or make himself less disposable to me. sorry man, that ship's sailed. or maybe he's trying to recreate the feeling of intimacy when he's not with his girlfriend. whatever it is, i'm too old for such games. the plan is still to meet him when i get back, but i'm not about to get entangled in that whole mess.

since the situation with this guy is a bust, i decided that i should start casting my metaphorical net again. the net brought in 2 people: one with whom i'd briefly interacted in 2018 or so, and a guy who's turning 49 or 50 this year. for the record, i'm not going into this with expectations of relationships. just thought it'd be good to meet more people. the first guy seems well-read and smart (phd in some arts discipline) while the second is stable. the first guy will be in australia for a month, and he flies off the day before i get back. what rotten timing! going to talk more about the latter for now. he's stable, as in he has his own business, house, and car. he seems kind of boring, which isn't bad. if we were to get together, i can imagine a non-exciting but satisfying life. that he's 14 years my senior makes me worry a bit. also, he got a little passive-aggressive. see, i'd not replied to his messages for a few hours, and in that time, he took to twitter to post messages like "the silence is deafening" and "ah well, it was too good to be true. time to wake up". granted, they might not have been about me/our interaction, though i believe the odds that they were are high.

anyway, it's a very "小动作", or "little action". the word 小 has multiple meanings. in this case, it means both "little" as in small in magnitude, as well as small in character, ie. petty. a common undesirable trait in chinese culture is to be a "小人" which means "petty person". other synonyms/meanings include cowardly, unmagnanimous, treasonous, conniving, slimy. so...yes. not the best impression. still, i can understand the feeling of potential rejection/abandonment, especially if one feels invested in an interaction. personally, i wouldn't have taken to public social media to vent. well...that depends if this blog is considered "public" or not. i mean, anyone with the URL can access it, but i don't publicize its existence. i figure being friends/acquaintances with this guy will be ok. after all, the bar is lower compared to the one set for a potential partner.

13 more days. time is crawling by. hoping that i'll be able to hit the ground running in singapore, to avoid wasting more time. let's do a to-do list of remaining tasks in the UK, hopefully that will trigger my sense of urgency and make the time seem shorter than it actually is.

- eat fish and chips, take photos for my former co-teacher

- get stuff for my nieces

- visit the museum, maybe the castle and library too

- visit bank to deposit remaining cash

- do last few loads of laundry

- pack, including luggage weight distribution

- grocery runs (tomorrow and next week)

- apply to more jobs

- transfer money out of UK bank account and into wise

not very many items to get done in 13 days, is it? i could do one every 2 days and still make it. but some things like groceries are time-dependent, of course. since i'm on a roll with planning, i'll also do a timeline for the day of departure.

morning - final checks and packing

2:55pm - leave the house with all belongings, slow walk to train station

3:27pm - board train to local interchange, change trains there

4:02pm - board train to london liverpool street station

4:51pm - arrive at station, get oyster card

5:14pm - board train for heathrow terminals 2 and 3 (flexible)

before 7pm - reach heathrow terminal 2, check in when possible

(maybe get duty-free stuff?)

10:05pm - flight departs london

6:10pm next day (singapore time) - flight lands in singapore

looks good on paper, just hoping that everything goes according to plan on the actual day. so far, i've been lucky in that all my train trips have been smooth except for one where there was a delay. the recent unrest in london isn't helping my mental state, either. just have to be a bit more vigilant and trust that nothing will go wrong. thinking in singapore time, i'll be on the plane at 5:05am. if i want to sleep, i should sleep for the first third, maybe half of the flight. that way, i'll be awake in singapore's afternoon/evening, and can sleep again at night. for now, i guess i'll have to find other ways to occupy my time.

-random thought of the day: Make list of things to do once back in Singapore.-

Wow, things changed so much in the span of less than a day! the guy is officially off the list of long-term partner prospects. as bad as it sounds, he's more like someone to use/have no-strings-attached involvements with right now. before you judge me, listen to what went down.

so as mentioned in the last post, he's "officially" back together with one of his exes despite agreeing to giving dating me a shot. we had a chat, and he said that he's a cheater who will stray if he's not given enough love and physical contact. he even said he'd find it difficult to say no to me now (ie. cheat on his current "official" partner) if i were there in person. i heard the alarm bells blaring all the way from singapore! i will concede that he's upfront, which is about the only positive thing i can say about him at this time. there was one thing he mentioned which didn't strike me right...he said "i don't know how long we can last". the "we" here referring to him and her. my follow up to that was to ask him if he was treating me as a backup/standby. and upon asking him if he'd considered my feelings, he said that he didn't really care since he'd known me for such a short time. definitely not partner material, this guy. i mean, if you're looking to get serious with someone, you'd naturally place them a little higher on the priority list, right?

the plan as far as he's concerned is that i will meet him when i'm back in singapore. then we'll see how things go from there. it's really bad to think this way, but knowing what an ass he is, i kind of want to get my money's worth out of him, so to speak. it still kind of dumbfounds me though...how can someone have such shit character? i rarely swear on this blog, but it's warranted in this case. youthful immaturity only goes so far as an excuse. the selfishness, insensitivity, and callousness towards others' feelings aside, the other thing that doesn't sit well with me is how willing he is to be sneaky. i'm open to considering alternative relationship structures (open relationships, polyamory) as long as all parties are transparent with each other and know what's going on. i don't approve of going behind people's backs.

of course, i could give him the benefit of the doubt, that he's starved for love and will take it from any source he can, or that he gets his sense of self-worth/value from people fighting over him. that still doesn't justify not sparing a thought for other people's feelings. i could equally say he's trying to manipulate both me and his current partner, that they're in chaoots to see how much money they can squeeze out of me, or he's trying to chase me off by being abrasive. it makes me wonder though, what led to his mindset becoming this way? just to be clear, this is more of a scientific curiosity thing, not an "i can save/fix him" thing. it wouldn't be worth my effort! i want to grow alongside a partner, not wait for them to grow up. so yes.

still finding it amazing how my brain switched from "let's give it a try, maybe it'll get better after the distance is removed" to "nah, not worth it" so quickly. i guess it's true, the inside matters more than the outside. luckily i shook the veil off quickly enough here! i'm even more grateful that i didn't spend money to bring my travel date forward solely because of him. the perfume will be brought back and sold on carousell; he doesn't deserve it. might net me a bit of profit, too!

tomorrow's goal is to settle my large suitcase. i think i should be able to survive for the remaining 16 days without needing anything from it. the guideline is to keep it at about 22 to 23kg. the small suitcase will need to hold about 7 to 8kg. seems doable now, especially since i don't think i bought anything really heavy/bulky...except for a new pair of walking shoes. that aside, it's time to start talking to new people. hopefully future interactions go better!

-random thought of the day: Should I go for a walk tomorrow?-

Quite a bunch of stuff to unpack today, all relationship-related and maybe a tiny bit of logistics at the end. skip this post if you don't want to hear me moan about things going on with the guy. you're not missing much, i promise.

the guy messaged, asking if i'd be ok with us being friends. quite odd to get that out of the blue, so i asked why. turns out the girl that was his ex before last wants them to get together again. and he's considering it. you know how i know i've grown emotionally? i didn't shut down and/or blow up in his face. go me! funny how growth can be observed from the most unlikely avenues. i must admit, i am quite impressed. the level of youthful inexperience, lack of tact, and low EQ needed to bring such a matter up to a potential romantic partner! but at least he's honest. i don't think he's a mind games sort of person, so i don't believe this is a ploy to get me more invested or to trigger my FOMO.

normally i kind of lump thoughts and feelings together, but i think it'll be more comprehensive if i separate them this time. starting with feelings, it doesn't feel good to be told that you're being evaluated against someone else, especially when that someone else reentered the picture and kind of "disrupted" what you have. worse is when you're being told that you might not be the first choice any more. but i'm also grateful that he's being upfront about it. one of the things i told him initially was that i believe in open communication. say what you mean, mean what you say. i'm at least happy that he's not going behind my back.

perhaps this next bit is me being entitled, but i feel a little disgruntled(?) in that i'm doing my best to do things for him despite the distance, yet all my efforts seem to be for naught. buying him food, sending him a letter, i even got the perfume he wanted. ok, that last one was also partially an economic decision; it's cheaper here than in singapore. this is a very landmine-filled area, because i don't want to imply that i should be given affection or anything else in return for providing anything financial or material. i did everything so far willingly. how can this be reconciled, though?

as for thoughts, my main thought is that the fact that he asked if we could be friends already means that he's considering his ex over me. and in a way, he's kind of already leaning in one direction. my relationship with him obviously doesn't mean that much to him in the first place. in this case though, there are mitigating factors. i'm in a different country, so that ex and i are kind of competing on unequal ground here. while video calls are great, they don't hold a candle to actual in-person interaction, which he gets from her every day (they're in school together). and i guess he's feeling that difference. hopefully he can wait the 17 days.

secondary thought is that it seems that he (and perhaps this relationship in general) isn't worth fighting for. i would move mountains for someone whose views and values are aligned with mine. you know, the whole "two of us against the world" thing. it doesn't work when i'm the only one fighting for it. and yet, the stupid irrational part of me doesn't want to let it go yet. i guess i'm counting on the situation getting better once the obstacle of distance has been resolved.

how will this affect the future, though? assuming he chooses me over his ex after all, will i always worry after he makes an off-handed remark about how someone is hotter than me, or if/when he threatens to break up with me? do i give him the benefit of the doubt, and hope that that he'll mature and see that i'm better for him? assuming that i am indeed better for him, of course. will i worry that he's dating me for financial reasons? honestly, i don't have a clue how things will play out in the future. all i can do is to do the best i can and see how things play out.

mix of thought and feeling here, but it seems like i'm selling myself short. in all my romantic interactions so far, i always feel the need to be the one giving more, taking care of the other person, giving way. to put it another way, i'm the one doing the chasing instead of being chased. would be nice to be on the receiving end for a change! but i will still feel the need to give more. this is a me problem, in that my perceived self-worth is tied very strongly to my physical appearance and i'm worried that people will reject me because of that. so i guess i overcompensate in other areas. it's something that i have to overcome on my own, and it wouldn't be fair to put the burden on others.

rational me says it's time to look elsewhere. idealistic/desperate me wants to give it a chance. i guess it's also in the event we don't end up together, i can say that i tried, at least. no-regrets philosophy and all. kind of having second thoughts about buying the perfume, because it looks like it'll be a loss. do i want to give it to him? if i'm 100% honest, i kind of think that that might help tip the balance in my favour. so much for me not wanting to equate material things with affection! but well, my intention was to give it to him anyway.

ok, enough of that for now. i will do what i reasonably can from here, and that does not include changing my flight. i'm now more committed to the 27th, as i also bought the long train ticket for that date. mildly worried because a train change is involved. it says i have 10 minutes to change platforms, which may involve going down a floor, walking for a bit, and going up again. more than ample time, assuming the trains arrive and depart exactly on time. after that, it's getting an oyster card at the intermediate station, before a straight train to heathrow. i'm planning to be at the airport like 4 hours before my flight, which means 2 hours before check-in. should have ample buffer time built in. if there's a day where i need all my stars to align, 27th august would be it.

i figure that amidst the job applications and stuff, i should start packing and redistributing my luggage soon. i have 30 kg checked baggage allowance, and the remainder will have to fit into my backpack and messenger bag. pretty sure i can make it happen. just thinking whether i should try to buy or sell off anything else while i'm here. of course, the reverse thought process applies - what do i have to sell? clothes, i guess. but it's not worth the hassle. well, i'm sure i'll manage it some way or another!

-random thought of the day: You get the love you think you deserve.-

Looks like becoming a high-flying, jet-setting chemist isn't in my future. the chemical consultancy company wrote to say that i didn't make it to the next stage. trying to find the appropriate word to describe my emotions now. i'm looking for something stronger than "disappointed" but not quite at  the level of "devastated" or "gutted". maybe..."defeated"? yes, i think that works. there's the additional nuance of having lost, so i guess that's a much closer fit. i honestly thought that my interview went well, and that asking for a singapore-based role would set me apart enough. apparently not.

so, what to do now? my impulsive side says to bring my departure date forward since there's nothing else for me here. the cheapest/earliest date is 22 august, which is 5 days ahead of the current plan. the problem is, it'll incur a cost of 249 GBP (approx. 420 SGD) before foreign currency conversion fees. that's a bunch of money that could be better spent on other things! i guess i'll stick to the 27th unless the fare drops to a reasonable price.

how sad that i got this news on national day! is it a sign that i should focus on singapore? i don't know. i'm watching the NDP over discord with some guild members and it made me (re-)realize something. i don't feel patriotism towards singapore the country. as in, i don't really mind if people put singapore down, nor do i feel any impulse to defend it. in fact, i'd be inclined to agree with the others depending on what it is. it could be because i'm kind of disillusioned now - by all accounts, i'm a "successful" product of the system, but am still not having luck landing a job. it feels like i've been let down, so there's a bias here. instead, i think my singaporean identity lies in my connections to people and the common things we share. i honestly don't care about watching the parade, but watching it with people is the more important thing. the sad thing is that the singaporean identity and culture is dying. i've said before that singapore feels more like a company, not a country. and that feeling has only gotten stronger over time.

18 more days until the 27th. feels like such a long time. guess i'll have to occupy my time with job applications and other experiences/logistical stuff while i'm here. i still want to visit the museum, for one. maybe take pictures around town too. and i owe my former co-teacher a picture of fish and chips. not forgetting my shoe delivery, bank transfers, and other stuff. i'm becoming a little less optimistic about my interaction with the guy - he's been rather monosyllabic recently. and when i casually mentioned it, he asked me not to use big words. not sure how to feel about that, but i sense the interest diminishing. again, could be because we're physically separated or any number of perceived issues/incompatibilities.

let's look at it more positively...what can i do in these 18 days to set myself up for a good start in singapore? job applications, as mentioned earlier. life planning, including planning what to do/get after landing. moderating my expectations - like, my ideal scenario is if i could land, maybe take a couple of days to adjust to the timezone, then have interviews lined up one after another. the more probable scenario is that i'll land, adjust, and have to continue applying for jobs for a month or more with occasional interviews interspersed here and there. hopefully the groundwork i've done so far (existing job applications) will bear fruit, and i'll have more interviews scheduled. i think the most important thing for me now is not to let my mentality spiral into gloom and doom. there are things to look forward to, and opportunities that i haven't explored!

-random thought of the day: Have patience.-

Einstein is often credited for the quote "insanity is doing the same thing but expecting different results". apparently, it wasn't him who said it! google says the person responsible is rita mae brown, who is an american author. she's still alive today! well, the quote is true no matter who said it. i realized that my saved job search was for "chemist", and that tends to give me lab-based roles. not very good for someone who's trying to get away from lab work. but at the same time, that gives me the most results. guess i'll have to do some manual filtering.

just for fun, i wrote to the IP firm that i interviewed with right before JET. they rejected me outright. i can kind of understand why, because my lab junior is working for them. having someone else with the same scientific background in the company doesn't make business sense. i won't deny that i feel a little bitter about it, but i'm happy that my junior is doing well in there. one more australian IP firm put a job ad up for a computer science trainee with a chemistry background. the incongruity makes me think that 1 of 3 possible scenarios happened: (1) they want a chemistry trainee but someone pasted the wrong title; (2) they want a computer science trainee but someone pasted the wrong description; (3) the ad is actually correct and it's some new hybrid role involving chemistry and computers. i can work with #1 and #3, which means that there's a 66.7% chance that i'll be a fit for the job. so, i applied anyway. kind of want to see how that goes.

still no word from the chemical consultancy company. the director did say 10 days from my interview, which could be this friday or next wednesday depending on whether he meant working days or not. thanks to my stupid brain assuming that i have a good chance of landing that job, i've been slacking off in job applications recently. now's a good time to remind myself that i have not been offered the job yet, and there are many candidates vying for the vacancies. the current strategy is to apply for manager- or coordinator-type roles which are more likely to be office-based. a recruiter emailed me about a tuition centre position, which i'm not crazy over but will at least find out more about.

things with the guy are going well enough. i am sure beyond reasonable doubt that he's not looking for other guys for his physical needs. he's been proactive in calling almost every day, which makes me happy. i have been thinking of a couple of things, though. it seems that his way of speaking is just that - a way of speaking. i don't think he means to be hostile. i wonder though, is that something to make a fuss over? the problem could be with me - that in my ideal fantasy world, my partner would be sweet and affectionate all the time. i suppose there are 2 things i can do...learn to accept that people express themselves differently, or find someone who matches my fantasy. #1 seems to be the easier choice by a mile.

next, due to the age gap and different stages of life that we're in, there's going to be imbalance. with the ex and i, we took turns paying on dates so it seemed more equal in a way...although i still lost out on petrol and ERP costs to pick him up and send him home. with this guy, i don't think splitting things evenly will be possible for the next few years at least. bold of me to assume the relationship will last that long! but you know what i mean. i'm doing my best to avoid equating love/affection with money. it's not a good mindset. well, it's a topic for a future discussion. i'm sure we'll find some sort of compromise or balance once we're actually in the same country.

thinking back on my 6 weeks in singapore just after JET, i realized that i was treating it as a stopover on my way to the UK. it's not a right or wrong thing. just that due to that way of thinking, i didn't do anything very permanent. now that the plan is to set up shop in singapore for the next 1 year or more, i should look into doing/getting things that would improve my quality of life. just off the top of my head: getting a phone line with more data, relooking my whole wardrobe, figuring out a fitness plan (gym? exercising at home? fitness corner? with the guy?), meal prep and budgeting (should talk to one of my guildmates about this). the difficulty i predict is having to battle the sense of motionlessness again - what if job applications don't go well? i guess i will also look into starting the process of getting my own place. not sure how it can be done, given my lack of funds and not meeting the HDB's work history criteria for an income assessment. well, i figure that there'll be a way. i'm almost tempted to suggest getting a flat with scary JC friend, but it would be horribly unfair to her as she would be tied to it for 5 years and unable to get a flat with any potential partner in that time.

20 more days in the UK. hopefully i'll get a job offer before leaving, then i can plan what to do after landing in singapore with more clarity. one of the first items on my agenda is a haircut. closer to the present, i have more job applications to send out. a few days before my flight, i'll re-allocate the stuff in my luggage. i'm pretty sure that if i carry on stuff in my messenger bag, i can make the 30kg check-in limit no problem. apart from that, i suppose there are the miscellaneous tasks of cleaning up the room a bit, laundry, and planning supermarket runs. the proteins in the fridge now should last me from 5 to 7 days, which means that i may only need to make a vegetable and sundry run this weekend. one more run per week on average means i have a total of 2 or 3 more to go. need to book the train ticket too. with luck, i'll also be able to sell the remaining 2 pens i have in that time. just as i typed that, someone bought one of them! one more to go. worst case i can sell any remaining things in singapore, i guess. that reminds me. i need to do a major decluttering/disposal exercise. i'm somehow looking forward to going back a little more!

-random thought of the day: Met a principal of the IP firm at the supermarket today.-

Here's something i learnt through making the wrong decision - if you're still undecided between 2 dates when booking flights (assuming similar price, no significant impact on your schedule/budget, etc.), book for the earlier date first. it'll probably be cheaper to push back a booking than to bring it forward. i should have booked my flight for the 22nd! but well, i can still change it, albeit at a higher cost. is it worthwhile for me to spend the money? that's subjective. at the moment, i'd be happy to spend less than 100 GBP to get a flight that's at least 4-5 days earlier. that's probably what i'll look into if the consultancy firm rejects me - after all, there'll be no point in me staying further, will there?

i'll be honest, part of it is also wanting to go back so i can meet the guy sooner. just today, he says he's not feeling the same connection. sounds normal to me. aside from the rose-tinted glasses wearing off, a relationship's dynamic/"feeling" should evolve over time, right? at the same time, i notice that our recent conversations have been a little one-sided, like he talks more about himself and the things going on in his life and doesn't seem to ask about mine. to be fair, there aren't many things going on in my life now! every day's main activity is job applications. sometimes the monotony is broken up by a grocery run, or a walk into town. the thing that i've noticed also is that he's a bit (in my opinion) overly concerned about his appearance. like he'll complain about his skin, he'll tell me all about the atas (and expensive) stuff he uses for his face. meanwhile i'm here just using soap and water...and not always soap, either. perhaps we don't have much in common. is that a relationship-killer? i personally don't think so; but all it takes is for one person in the relationship to believe that and things will fall apart. i guess i'm under the belief that being physically close will help the situation. don't know how correct that is, but it's all i've got at this point.

perhaps the most worrying sign is the language he uses with me. due to certain unpleasant experiences growing up, i will never use harsh language or derogatory names to refer to my significant other during regular conversation - not even as a joke. probably the most i'll go is sarcasm..."so clever!" or "you don't say!", things like that. he seems to have no problem using profanity on me. like today, he called me an 8-letter word starting with "dumb" and ending with a "k" (clue: "moron" is a word with a similar meaning) when i asked if he would get pimple patches containing salicylic acid. he thought they didn't exist, but turns out they do! i may not be the most knowledgeable in beauty products, but i know my chemistry. it happened so quickly i didn't think to call him out on it. i will, next time. to me, that's a warning sign. i mean even if he talks to everyone like that, i would think as someone who should be a bit more significant to him than the average joe, using such language on me is uncalled for even if i was wrong. he's also flipped me off a couple of times on video call. not saying it's right, but i can close an eye to that. it seems less severe somehow, maybe because my friends and i do that on occasion.

since i have some mental capacity left, i'll talk about ebay. don't know if you remember but sometime back, i got a bunch of fountain pens off mercari at a steal. the plan was/is to sell them for profit, except for one that i like and am keeping for myself. the plan is working! so far i've sold 2 in the UK and i'm due to sell one more in singapore later in the month. the singapore sale is worth the cost of all 4 pens, meaning that i already broke even and the 2 UK pens are pure profit. i'm using ebay for the UK sales, and what i didn't realize is that they take approximately 13% of the sale price in platform fees. annoying. i suppose that i could have experimented with other websites/apps, but it's too much hassle. also, ebay is better known and hence my perception is that it's more trustworthy. thanks to the strong GBP, the amount i get here after fees is only slightly lower than the amount i would get in SGD selling them on carousell or facebook marketplace, where no fees are charged. just going to take this win and run.

as a consequence of the ebay thing, i've also been exposed to the UK postal service. i am ridiculously impressed! i learnt that if i buy postage from the royal mail website, the postman will come to my place to collect the item for posting, and even bring the postage label! the price is fairly reasonable too; i haven't paid more than 5 pounds per item. granted, i'm sending small, light stuff. i imagine the price would go up exponentially for bigger parcels. to its credit, singapore kind of does this as well. not singpost, but doorstep collection can be arranged for private courier services but at a much steeper price. i know that this is something singapore can't implement easily. can you imagine how many postal workers they'll have to assign to just one HDB block?

getting postage myself is not only more convenient, it's also cheaper than using the ebay-linked service. i paid 2.50 GBP getting my own postage, compared to almost 4 GBP last time when i didn't know better and followed the link from ebay. also, the ebay-linked service generated a faulty QR code that didn't allow me to print the label out at their collection points. in the end, i had to go to a print shop where they charged 50 pence a side. even worse (yes, it gets worse), the shop had a minimum spend of 2 pounds. i spent 2 pounds to print maybe half a single side of A4 paper!! but well...learning experience.

right now, there's about 1-1.5 weeks until i know the outcome of the test. aside from a few deliveries which should get here in the next week, the test is the biggest thing keeping me in the UK. if it's successful, i'll probably have the round 2 interview 2-ish weeks from now? maybe earlier if they finish  round 1 interviews early next week. my plane ticket is booked for the 27th with potential to change to the 22nd, so that means i have between 20-25 days remaining in the UK. feels like forever! but that's because i have a very strong pull factor for singapore. nothing to it but to wait. what else can i do in the meantime? try to sell a few other pens that i brought over. reorganize my luggage. use up the consumables that i bought. maybe see if my aunt wants anything from here that i can get for cheaper. keep talking to the guy. i'm sure things will work out, one way or another.

-random thought of the day: Worrying can't change anything.-

Unlucky mouth strikes again! i was just saying yesterday how i should buy plane tickets before prices went up. prices went up 30 pounds between then and now. not a huge issue in the grand scheme of things, just mildly annoying. managed to use my miles to offset a bit of the price, so that reduces the damage even further.

my flight back is scheduled for the night of 27th august, meaning that i'll land in singapore on the night of 28th august. sucks how i just lose a day like that, but it makes up for the day i gained flying over. at this point, i'm wondering if i should have booked an earlier flight date! just my kancheong thoughts taking over, i guess. my rational brain knows that i still need some additional time in the UK, mainly for the results of the test and hopefully a subsequent interview. as a completely unimportant aside, i also want to see if any of the remaining organizations get back to me while i'm still onshore.

apart from having more time to settle in and beat jet lag (not that i think i'll need it!) the biggest reason for me to fly back early is the guy. i'm quite looking forward to seeing him! although i don't know if this thing will last the 26 days until the flight. we're becoming more familiar/comfortable with each other, i guess? but that also means that the rose-tinted glasses are coming off. i don't know if he'll still like what he sees. on my part, i still do. having said that, there are things that we have to work on. for now, the plan for me is to continue as usual unless told otherwise.

ego is a funny thing. this morning, i was informed that i was not selected for a patent manager job with a singapore company. for some reason, i felt quite indignant about that. might be because the job description looked easy and i thought that i was more than capable of doing it.  i'm a little tempted to ask why, but i don't think i will in the end. my guess is that the firm deals more with engineering patents than scientific ones.

well...got to wrap up plan UK. i guess what i can do to make the most out of my time here is to see if anyone in singapore wants me to buy stuff back. i've also been feeling a little...unsatiated today. like, i ate, but it feels like something is missing. or put another way, i have cravings but i don't know what for. maybe i'll try to go heavy on the vegetables for dinner, that might fill me up.

-random thought of the day: Perhaps sticking closer to home is better.-

Despite travelling for 1 hour and 45 minutes each way to the job interview today, i'm quite happy! the interview went well, better than i could have hoped for. it was a panel of 3, a director, a (the?) head of chemistry, and a chemist. everyone was friendly, laughs were exchanged, and the most positive sign i got was that the head of chemistry affirmed a lot of my ideas/thought processes. she even spoke up against some of the younger chemist's model answers (he presented me some scenarios and asked what i'd do in those cases). so on one hand, i'm hopeful. but my singaporean "must get everything right" mentality tells me i didn't do super well for the technical section. at least they were encouraging on a whole!

there was also a test after the interview. i'm pretty sure the scenario was either made up or modified from an actual case they handled in the past. unfortunately, a key characterization method and data they gave me was SEM, which i totally never used in both undergrad and grad school. still, i tried to write something that would make intuitive sense. i just hope that they consider the thought process.

this company seems like a dream job for me. at the same time, i wonder how much of it is psychological. see, when something appears scarce or difficult to obtain, its perceived value shoots up. mcdonalds hello kitty dolls, anyone? i don't expect anyone born after 1995 to get that reference. riding on this idea, a quick hack that you can use to make something seem more appealing is to highlight its rarity or make people jump through hoops to get it, the more numerous and convoluted the better. looking at it as objectively as i can, the job offers frequent travel, the content of the work is varied; each case is new and fresh. the chemistry isn't super hard either - like i won't need the super specialized knowledge from my research. i just hope i get it. the travel thing MIGHT become an issue with the guy, but i don't know enough about the travel demands of the job (frequency and duration) to guess either way. through casual conversation with the admin staff (the how to win friends and influence people knowledge is coming in handy!), i found out that there are 9 or 10 candidates interviewing for 1 or 2 positions. so my odds are between 10 to 20%. not super good.

to hopefully differentiate myself from the rest and/or minimize competition, i specifically requested to be placed in the singapore office. would they send a new hire from london over to fill a vacancy? i don't know, but i don't think so. after all, that would involve applying for an appropriate work visa and other logistics, which they get to skip with me. putting it that way, i can kind of see why UK firms might place me on a lower priority compared to a local candidate. even though i come with a visa now, they'll have to sponsor me for one sometime in the future. incidentally, i didn't see this job advertised on any of the singapore job portals, so i guess the london HQ handles the recruitment process.

whether i get this job or not, i seem to be headed back to singapore. i should be making plans! let's see...i should hear back from them approximately 2 weeks later, so 14th august. there's a round 2 interview, possibly within a week of knowing the test results? not forgetting the waiting time after the interview for the final offer (if they make me one)...there's a good chance i'll only know whether i've got the job in late august or maybe even early september. to be fair, this is fast compared to some of my other applications. or perhaps it's because the firm has been so communicative, and the time between stages is short. still, i suppose it's about time to buy plane tickets. i'm currently looking at an end-august flight date. exact date TBD, but i see tickets going for 610 GBP around that time. should get them while they're still at that price. reality check again - i'm not guaranteed the job. my stupid subconscious is assuming that i will at least move onto the next stage because of the general positive mood of the interview and the body language of the interviewers (lots of smiles, nodding). but for all i know, something i said might have put me out of the running without me even realizing it. nothing for it but to wait. and that's the suckiest part.

-random thought of the day: Hope for the best, plan for the worst.-