The week is off to a very positive start! went back to lab for a meeting with my professor yesterday. he was quite pleased with the thesis exam results, and told me to address the comments ASAP. the current target is to address all comments by this week or worst case early next week, then arrange for an end-november defense. it's definitely within my capability to do so, as long as i focus and find the relevant literature to back up my claims. while i was in school, i had lunch/drinks with one of the chemistry guys, the one who's working in my lab. well, i had lunch, he had drinks. caught up a little bit, and chatted about some stuff. no really huge developments for either of us, but it was good to reconnect again. i think we're overdue for dinner as a group. maybe we'll do the usual christmas thing?

got a free pack of chocolate granola at the gym today, so that was already a great start. what's not to like about getting free food? it's due to expire in a couple of weeks (hence the giveaway), but i'm not even worried that it'll still be unfinished by then. we're at week 7 of healthy living, which means i'm due for another program change at the end of next week, as well as a measurement. considering that my most recent measurement was delayed by a week, i'm not sure if we'll measure at the end of the current program, or carry the delay forward as well. i'll leave it to that coaches; they probably know best.

second good thing today was that with nothing heard from achiever's dream, i went to sign the offer letter with the learning lab, meaning that i will be gainfully employed as of this coming saturday. only for the weekends at the moment, but it's a start. the contract was...complex. maybe i'm not used to reading that kind of document. anyway, they've got a confidentiality clause, a non-disparaging clause, and some other stuff which kind of means that i have to be careful of what i say in the public sphere. with that in mind, i will probably not blog too much about the centre's operations and their teaching materials, but i'll probably blog about my experience there, like how the classes went, if any kids are giving trouble, that sort of stuff. i figure that i'm in the clear as long as i don't identify the kids by name or give anyone something by which to recognize them. the one thing that caught me by surprise was the dress code for male teachers. i was expecting the usual business/formal attire, but one stipulation that they included was that male teachers had to wear a tie or blazer when teaching. i personally feel that it's unnecessary, but i'll do as the company wishes. besides, it's a good chance to use my harry potter ties, which have been lying around for the past 3 years. need to find my judo tie bar too, it's silver-coloured with the character "柔" near the end. it's probably in my room somewhere, either in a drawer or in my suitcase. failing that, i've got a kurash tie bar from taiwan, but it's gold-coloured and therefore more flashy. of course, i have a regular nondescript silver one too, so i've still got choices.

about my transport arrangements...season parking at united square is $265 or so, making it impractical since i'll only be there 8 days a month. i'd save money by parking there and paying the hourly fee! of course, my goal is to pay minimal/no parking fees, so i'll probably have to get creative and find places to park for free while i take public transport down. i've got a good idea for sunday, since there's free parking in most HDB estates. got a plan for saturday too, but it may be more inconvenient. have to scout the surrounding area for places with potential.

that's about all for now, i think. raiding is going along well, and i'm grateful that the others are patient with me. still have to boost my damage by a couple of thousand points, maybe more. it'll be final fantasy guy's birthday tomorrow, and i made him a cake in-game. will pass it to him if i can catch him online. otherwise, email. i'm hoping that it goes over well. speaking of email, i should set up my learning lab email and get the password changed. it'll probably make my first day (this coming saturday!) easier/smoother. meanwhile, tomorrow is rest day from gym, so i may go return some library books and stuff. need to be active outside of the gym too. will address most of the comments by tomorrow, so that's something else to look forward to. hopefully things go smoothly.

-random thought of the day: Need to start earning money!-

Yesterday was perfect to the point where if i was religious, i might believe that some divine intervention was at play. everything seemed to go well, and more importantly, i felt unusually happy. perhaps let's recap everything slowly, so you have a better idea of what went on.

gym was intense, as usual. increased weights all around, and got in a good workout. also had a long talk with one of the coaches about chasing perfection. personally, i don't think i'm that demanding. i don't need to look like a pro bodybuilder, or have the perfect beach body. my motto is "function over form", after all. unfortunately, "form" is what most people notice first in a potential date. so i have to play by society's rules here if i want to engage in the social activity of dating, i guess. anyway. the coach was telling me about his own fitness journey, and reminding me to take stock of how far i've come already. a common trap to fall into is to want results NOW, which is often unrealistic. i just wished i'd started during/after army. i asked him about snacking, and he said that he's got a sweet tooth, so he understands my pain. i think the goal is to have a healthy relationship with food. everything in moderation, including eating junk food and eating healthy. no point being too strict on yourself if your mental and emotional states suffer. so, while chocolate may not be the best for my body, its positive impact on my heart and soul still counts for something. but this isn't an excuse to start a chocolate diet, mind you. maybe i can work it into my caloric budget or something.

turns out i severely overestimated my bank account balance, so no grocery shopping yesterday. instead, following the coach's advice to be active outside of the gym as well, i wanted to walk to compass one to run a few errands. ended up taking the LRT because it started raining as i started walking. first stop was the post office, where i collected the headset. the packaging was beautiful, and the headset itself works amazingly. the headband is a little too stiff for my liking right now, and is exerting some pressure on my ears, but i think it'll loosen up over time. one thing i very much prefer over the previous headset is that the wire is longer, so i don't have to worry too much about accidentally damaging it by pulling. next stop was the sengkang library, which is located inside compass one itself. apparently, NLB is moving away from having service desks with librarians, and are now having roving customer service staff to help people out. i went to collect my reserved book, which is titled "the alchemist", and written by paulo coelho. probably the most recognized quote from it would be "when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it". i figured that i should read the whole story to get the context in which it was used. it's quite apt that i reserved that book, because (1) i'm a(n al)chemist, and (2) it really felt like the universe came together for me yesterday. i also spent some time in the library, which looks decidedly more modern than the bishan library. they had rocking chairs, which i thought was quite cool. reading in a rocking chair is different, somehow. like, it's more relaxing. that's something to consider when i get my own place.

after finishing all the errands (and sidequest of stopping by owndays to get my glasses cleaned), i decided to walk home since the rain had stopped. nearly couldn't get my bearings, before i recognized some landmarks i saw when driving past that area. it's weird, though, how your perception differs from when you're a motorist and a pedestrian. like, i must have driven down that road at least 50 times in the past 2 years, but i never noticed the fence surrounding the bus interchange! thankfully, SPC sengkang and some road signs helped to confirm that that was indeed the correct direction. the walk put me in a very good mood. i think it was because of the weather (just right, not too warm or humid) and the time of day (evening, beginning of sunset). i found myself walking slowly and enjoying the sights, even humming on occasion. i need more walks like this, it's good for my soul.

on the way back, i decided to stop by st. anne's church, which is about midway between my place and compass one. i've driven by countless times, but never went in before. again, i must highlight that i'm not religious, but i do enjoy visiting religious places. they generally feel more serene, and detached from the outside world. so turns out that it's a catholic church, and quite tastefully designed and decorated. something about it which i thought was very singaporean was that there was a whole dos and don'ts list - no food, no throwing pebbles in the water feature, no dumping of fish in the pond, no feeding existing fish...almost like they couldn't trust singaporeans to be civilized, have common sense, and behave appropriately. contrast this to st. mary's cathedral in perth, which just had a sign reminding people to set their phones to silent, and to be respectful. i couldn't tell from the outside, but they had a columbarium spanning at least 2 floors within the church. i took a walk around it, and just wondered what the lives of the people interred within were like. there was a wide range of ages at which the people passed away, from a few days to 100 years. some of the people passed away before i was born, meaning that we never shared any time on earth. of all the people who had passed, i found two categories to be the most heartbreaking. first, those who were born around the same time as me, but passed away earlier. second, those who passed away when they were around my age. it's kind of sobering, to think that they never got to live out their lives, or to experience some major life milestones. it's probably a reminder to live as best as i can. the other thing i noticed was that in general, most of the niches had personal items, like toys (for those who passed away in infancy), handwritten notes, even birthday cards. i also passed by a man who came to visit who i'm assuming was his wife. it's wonderful that people remember their deceased loved ones. which reminds me, i should get the niche numbers for all 4 grandparents.

i completed the walk home still in a good mood, but slightly more subdued after visiting the church. stopped by the chinese temple on the way too, but didn't go in. i also discovered that the first floor of the multi-storey carpark houses a senior citizen daycare centre and a child daycare centre side by side, in addition to the management office for this cluster of blocks. efficient use of space, i suppose. now i know where the teachers and kids having "PE class" at the void deck are from! it's not really a formal class, just kids running around under the teachers' supervision. upon reaching home, i checked my NUS email on a whim, and saw that the thesis results came in. just as i was talking  about how long it was taking that very morning! proof that complaining works in singapore. my professor was more kancheong than me, probably because he saw it earlier than i did. the comments were generally positive, with all 3 examiners recommending acceptance with minor revisions. my heart just about exploded with happiness after reading through all the comments and feedback. i've addressed most of the minor ones already, including typos and formatting. you'd think after all that effort spent on writing and proofreading, the thesis would be typo-free! apparently not. still, about 3 typos, 1 grammatical error, and 2 wrongly-drawn chemical structures in close to 300 pages is (barely) within my tolerance to accept. i'm due to go back to lab next monday to meet with my professor to discuss how best to tackle some of the comments, and the organization of the defense slides. it's finally coming together! my goal is to settle everything by end-november. not impossible, i think. address all comments by next week, give about 2 or 3 weeks buffer time for the department to organize everything, defend after that, and GTFO from NUS. should start job-hunting more seriously, too. and i wonder if the learning lab will improve their offer in light of this new development? no harm asking on tuesday. i think nothing's going to come from the achiever's dream side, so oh well. perhaps it was the wrong time. anyway, let's focus on clearing this final hurdle. it's really been a long time coming.

-random thought of the day: I hope I remember all my chemistry...-

Didn't sleep well last night, and the night before, too. been waking up at around 2:00am and having difficulty falling back asleep for the next few hours. at first, i thought it was because i ate too close to bedtime and was having indigestion or something, but i made sure not to eat at least 3 hours before sleeping last night. it can't be because i'm sleeping earlier, right? hope that it's a temporary thing. going by past experience, it's a rare occurrence for me, maybe a few times a year. i'm just mildly worried, because i read about this sickness that makes someone incapable of falling asleep. fatal insomnia, i think it's called. as the name implies, the prognosis is not good. thankfully, it affects very few people...something like 100 out of 7 billion people in the world? that's a one in 70 million chance...probably lower than the odds of winning the lottery. perhaps i should get on melatonin for a little while to fix this issue.

i wonder if this bout of unrestful sleep could be caused by anxiety. there are 2 main stress factors now, though their overall impact on my life is still small. first is the thesis exam results, or lack thereof. it's been 3 months and a day already, so i guess that i'm getting a little antsy. i just feel like going to the examiners and yelling "COME ON, HURRY UP!!!!". well, i guess i'll just have to wait for now. can't wait indefinitely, though. maybe i'll give it 2 more weeks, then go back to NUS to raise hell politely enquire about the status of my thesis. second source of stress is the headset. apparently a delivery attempt was made yesterday, but i was out running an errand. the tracking status says that a delivery note was left, but i couldn't find it even after searching high and low for it. a call to singpost informed me that i'd have to go down to the post office to collect it. a bit of a hassle, but it's good in a way too, since i can also use this trip to collect a book that i have on hold at the sengkang library. earliest i can go is after 2:00pm today, so i think i'll do that after gym, and either before or after grocery shopping. this time, i think i'll just get salmon and chicken. for non-proteins, maybe broccoli, apples, and grapes? hope that the dare to compare thing is still on; NTUC sells apples cheaper, but the good ones are usually snatched up super quickly. giant says that they will match a competitor's price for the same product, and give a rebate equal to double the price difference. maybe that will help me save some money. i realize that i quite enjoy grapes, black ones in particular. odd thing is that the black grapes i get from giant are more cylindrical than spherical. not sure how common that is, but it's certainly the first time i've noticed it. the taste is pretty much unaffected, so i suppose i shouldn't worry too much about the shape.

raiding with the members of my first guild was really fun! we still get along really well, and generally just laugh mistakes off. that's not to say we aren't serious, though...the ultimate goal is still to clear the fight. we got the first of four fights down, and were working on the second one until the servers crashed and booted everyone from the game. apparently there was a DDOS attack that's been ongoing for a few days since then. not sure if we'll get game time refunded, though i doubt it. it's just an unexpected hiccup that's not really square enix's fault. i'll probably get some practice in before our next scheduled raid night, which is sunday. still need to be more mindful about doing the mechanics, and optimizing my skills for maximum damage output. another interesting thing is that a predominantly aussie and kiwi guild messaged me and asked me to join them, so i did. they're really relaxed and friendly, as is the case for most people from that region. i won't/can't say whether getting kicked out of the singaporean guild was for the best or not, but all things considered, it didn't go too badly.

messaged final fantasy guy yesterday, hoping to catch him for dinner before his birthday. he says that it's not possible, as he'll be busy with exams and stuff. good thing is, he offered to reschedule it to after his busy period, which i think is a good sign for the friendship. he's just so super sweet, it's hard to believe. even if we don't end up together, i think i'd still very much want him as a friend. but again, let's not think too far. i also went to do some batman work on the friend that N wanted to introduce to me. seems pleasant enough, though all i'm basing that on is a facebook profile. i'm mildly worried that he's leaning towards the drinking/clubbing/partying lifestyle, but i figure that if we get in a relationship, that's one thing upon which we can reach a compromise. if not, there's not really much point in getting together, is there?

-random thought of the day: Gym time!-

Somehow i get the feeling that i'm not making very good use of my time. my daily routine involves waking up at around 8:00am, then doing nothing productive until gym at 11:30am. i'll reach home at around 1:30pm, then have lunch, rot around, get on the computer in the evening after cooking dinner, and play final fantasy until about midnight. that's followed by sleeping at maybe 1:00am-ish, and the cycle repeats the next day and every weekday except when it's my rest day from gym. no doubt it's relaxing, and preferable to the days spent in lab with failing experiments, but i just think that i should be doing more.

with that thought in mind, i went to the bishan library on sunday before meeting N for dinner. something about books nourishing the mind. borrowed 2 novels, and two other books to learn korean and russian. yes, i should probably work on mastering japanese first, but i figured some diversity would be good. apparently the korean alphabet is logical, systematic, and easy to learn. if i can learn 2 sets of japanese characters (totalling 92 characters used to represent 46 sounds), korean should be manageable. thing is, i'm not familiar with korean pronunciation. plus, the language doesn't sound as nice to me as japanese does, so i don't know if that will affect my interest and learning speed/ability. as for russian, my postdoc says that it's a beautiful language. she encouraged me to get into russian literature. but considering that i can barely manage english literature, i don't know. still, it might be useful as a way to communicate better with the uzbeks when/if i ever go to uzbekistan again.

my headset cleared customs! it's now with singpost, who will be responsible for the final leg of the delivery process. with luck, it will reach me on/by friday. if so, the total time from order placement to receipt will be just under 3 weeks. not too bad. have to remind myself about delayed gratification, and that i can afford to wait a little if it means spending less money, especially since this is not an urgent item. the timing is fairly good too, since i'll be starting raids tonight(!) with the members of my first guild. hoping that i don't die too much.

no news yet from achiever's dream, which is not that worrying at this point in time. i'll probably worry a lot more by this time next week, because that's the day i'm due to sign the offer with the learning lab. well, it'll happen if it's meant to happen. i was looking at parking rates at united square. it's surprisingly not that expensive, maybe in order to draw more people in. calculating the parking fee for the time i spend there (plus buffer time between parking and arriving in the office/leaving the office and exiting the building), i'll spend an estimated $13.20 on saturdays and $12.30 on sundays, for a total of $25.50 per weekend that i work. that's like 36 minutes of salary per week. on the other hand, taking the train would be much cheaper. let's see which i value more - convenience of driving, or cost savings from public transport. i think i know the answer already, but i'll have to test it out to be sure. of course, there are intermediate options, like parking somewhere close by for free, and walking or taking public transport to united square. maybe i can get season parking? would only be worth it if it costs less than $100 a month, but i'm not sure if it'll be available to someone in my situation of being a staff member hired by a tenant. well, maybe it's a little premature to think so far. after all, i'm still waiting on achiever's dream. if they offer me something better, i won't worry about parking, seeing as it's free.

almost gym time, so i'd better finish off soon. forgot to go into detail in the previous posts, but my measurement results were: lost 2kg, lost 2% of body fat, and lost 4cm off the waist since i started the program in september. i told the coach not to tell me the absolute numbers, because demoralizing. i'm a little unsure of the last result, because i don't really feel that much thinner yet. assuming constant progression over the same amount of time in the future, i'll have to continue this regimen for...almost a year to get where i want to be. seems like a long time, because it is. but i'll just keep trusting in the process and doing what i can every day. tomorrow is supposed to be my rest day from gym, but i've got to move mats for kurash. more physical activity never hurt, i guess. nothing out of the ordinary for thursday and friday, so not much to say. have a JC class gathering on saturday, the first in...3 to 4 years? about 10 people are going, and i kind of expect to face some questions about my relationship preferences. news really travels fast, or to put it another way, paper can't cover fire. i'm sure some friends will bring it up, as they did during our classmate's wedding a few months back. well...no harm discussing it, i suppose. i'm pretty sure they'll be cool with it. and i should message final fantasy guy to ask him out for dinner. personally, i think my odds with him are low, but odds are zero if i don't try, right?

-random thought of the day: Exercise more self restraint for diet!-

Hokkien lesson time! today's term is "suay chui", literally meaning "unlucky mouth". it's used to describe someone who has the "gift" of saying something inauspicious, and that inauspicious thing coming true. example conversation:

A: you sure you want to have a picnic today? later rain then how?
B: choy (touch wood)! now so sunny, let's go!
*later, as it's raining at their destination*
B: KNN! how come you so suay chui one!?

something to that effect, more or less. i had a suay chui moment when i rhetorically asked how long more it would take for my headset to reach me in the last post. not having got any delivery by friday, i called up DHL to enquire on its status. the nice guy told me that the parcel was in singapore, but had to clear customs. since that's handled by the ICA or some other government body, DHL can't give me a clear timeframe. the standard advice given to customers is to wait 10 working days, though the guy also said that it usually doesn't take that long. so worst case would be end of october or start of november. well, not like i'm in a super rush for it. still hoping for a nice surprise next week, though.

my private tuition assignments are winding down. VS boy knows his stuff, but is still not reading the question and therefore throwing marks away. i have one more week to fix that...should be manageable. RJC girl seems to know her stuff, but i am really surprised at the amount of stuff taught at JC level these days. well, given that it's raffles, it may be the exception rather than the norm. i really really think that she just wants peace of mind, and if i can earn money by giving that to her, that's a win for both of us, i guess? i'll be concluding lessons with her too, in time to start anew at the learning lab or achiever's dream.

in a way, i suppose that i am fortunate, to be able to have the luxury of choice in terms of which tuition centre to sign up with. there are some parallels to chemical engineer cousin's situation, in that she had one certain job offer which didn't interest her that much, and one uncertain offer that she was gunning for. to me, the first represents learning lab, second represents achiever's dream. she went (well, is still going) for her uncertain option, but i don't know if i'd do the same in my case. problem is i don't have enough information. like, we haven't discussed salary at all, working hours, or even whether it was a permanent or ad-hoc job. since i still have a week-ish to finalize everything, i guess i should write back to request for more info. my retired HR professional senior told me to just work for the money for now, because i wasn't in the position to pursue my passion. he feels that i should give back and establish myself before i earn the ability to pick and choose. not wrong, i guess. let's see what achiever's dream offers. it may just turn out better than the learning lab.

today was quite heartwarming, as i finally met with N one-on-one to catch up over dinner. the meal was far less awkward than the last meal i tried to arrange last year or 2 years ago. in fact, it's almost like we picked up from where we were before the falling out. he seems happier, and that's largely because he's not facing relationship stress. we talked for almost 2 hours, and filled each other in on most things that happened in the "time skip". he said that he's got a friend to introduce to me; almost as if he read my mind on needing date introductions. is this about how the universe is conspiring to make what i want happen? anyway. he tells me that this friend has been wanting to settle down, so he thought that we might get along. at the risk of being a cynic, the ex had also expressed desire to settle down...just that there was a hidden clause - "with someone more attractive". well, if N is willing to suggest this, he probably thinks that his friend and i will/may work out. i'll trust that he knows the both of us well enough individually to imagine such a possibility. and of course, there's still final fantasy guy. i showed his cosplay photo to N, and the first thing N said was, "that looks so artificial, like CGI". N also told me that he saw warning bells from my description of final fantasy guy, mainly because i thought that he was a little diva-ish based on his facebook posts, which have posts that go like "i've never fallen in love before, i don't know what it feels like", or "when people say that they fall in love, i ask 'why so weak'!?"...things to that effect. you know who else said that first thing about not knowing what love feels like? june scumbag. so...yes. perhaps now that the tint is fading from my rose-coloured glasses, i'm seeing things that i might not be ok with, that i initially thought i would be ok with. his birthday is coming soon, so i do want to ask him out for dinner. maybe meeting him in the flesh will give me a better feeling of the whole situation.

we're starting week 6 of healthy living next week. i've booked gym for the first half of the week, and other than one appointment on wednesday, i think that i'm more or less free. might want to catch up with one of the chemistry guys, haven't seen him since july or august. hoping that NUS will get back to me sometime this coming week (it'll be exactly 3 months since submission on the 24th), then i can start on addressing examiners' comments and preparing defense slides. assuming i'm cleared for defense, of course. an interesting idea just came to mind. what about working in the perfume industry? it does sound interesting, and i kind of do want to learn about it. bonus is that it's related to my degree. let's see if i can find anything like that on glassdoor.

-random thought of the day: Good results for gym!-

Been having quite a few two-post days recently, haven't i? this is the third one in the past week alone. this post has actually been about 3 years in the making, but i'll come to that part later. first, let's blog about today. there were three main events: interview, visiting NUS, and dinner.

the tuition centre interview went quite well. they gave me a test to do (what is it with tuition centres and testing prospective hires!?), and i scored 90%. considering that it's sec 4 standard, i feel mildly annoyed that i didn't get a perfect score. but well. the principal seemed pleased enough, though he was more worried about my crowd control ability in class. we have a tentative understanding that perhaps now is not the right time. he has plans to open a centre in the tampines/sengkang area, so i think we'll revisit the idea when that materializes. we ended on a pretty positive note, though, so i hope something works out. the most immediate perk that i see is that parking is free, since it's located in a private estate. but as one of the senior alumni members says, i should be focusing on long-term growth instead of focusing on the immediate benefits. will attempt to shift my mindset in that direction. in the meantime, the learning lab called to fix a date for signing the offer letter and orientation. so i guess it seems like i'm going with that for the time being. i hope the terms of the offer will allow for some wiggle room.

prior to this afternoon, i haven't been back to NUS since thesis submission, or maybe that random sunday when i went back to retrieve my big box. settled the billing issue, and am hoping that the request for waiver goes through. also went back to the lab to visit the people there, and pass my postdoc something from uzbekistan. seems like everyone is still doing well enough, apart from the usual grad student woes of not-smooth research. good to see most of them again, though i still wouldn't want to continue my career in NUS. talked a bit with one of the chemistry guys too, who's been working in my lab. considering we last saw each other maybe 6 weeks ago, there wasn't really anything new to update about. then again, i haven't told any of the guys about final fantasy person yet. maybe during our next dinner together as a group.

by some alignment of the stars, i share a birthday with one of the old boys from the saturday gatherings. he's close to 20 years older than me, so i guess he gets priority in the order of birthdays? strange thing is that although we're born on the same day, we're quite different. i wonder if i also possess any of the traits that has made him a successful business owner? i do appreciate that the senior old boys do take care of me. like today, the (other) birthday boy invited me to his birthday dinner when he found out that i had no plans for the evening. it was nice to have some company, i guess, and i felt rather touched that he'd just extend the invitation without a second thought. maybe SOME activity/celebration is nice, but nothing over the top. i was "encouraged" (read "forced") to sing a couple of songs on karaoke before i was allowed to leave. lucky i have a few ready songs on standby; that seems to be an essential skill for parties/entertaining.

saw some good news online - my sennheiser headset is in singapore! i'm impressed by the shipping speed. it's been only about 10 days since i ordered them, contrasted with the 1 or 2 month wait i was told to expect. expectation management 10/10. guess this will be this year's birthday present to myself. while it will not see its intended purpose of being used for raids with the guild from which i was removed, i do hope that it will serve me well in future raids with people i get along with. and maybe voice calls with people i like, too. hoping for a delivery before the week is over, though i suppose i could very begrudgingly wait until early next week. i mean, they're in singapore already! how long more can it take!? you know what? let's not jinx it.

now, for the part of the post that has been brewing in my mind. perhaps it would be better to start with a disclaimer: i don't expect everyone to take it well. in fact, i fully expect to lose some friends after this. but in the process, i hope that i will have a better understanding of who my real friends are. something about "mind don't matter, matter don't mind", right? if you who are reading this know me personally, i do hope that you'll take some time to share your opinion of it with me, be it positive or negative. if you feel like we can't be friends any more, i'd appreciate you letting me know too. after the guild saga, i think you'd know how i feel about sneaky manoeuvres. plus, i'll know to not bother you any more. at any rate, if you feel that the friendship is irreparable, thank you for having journeyed with me through some part of our lives, and giving me learning opportunities. unless i don't like you to begin with, i wish you the best.

remember back in late 2014, when i was embroiled in a love polygon of some sort? if you plot out the "connections" of who was interested in who, you'd probably come to the conclusion that one of those "connections" was a same-sex interaction. in that respect, you'd be wrong. all of them were same-sex interactions. on that note, you can safely look through my posts here, and replace every "they"/"their"/"them" with "he"/"his"/"him" when i'm talking about people i like. i've come to terms with it, thankfully with more ease and less (minimal) self-loathing as compared to some other guys i know. i don't need psychological or psychiatric help (not for this, at least), nor do i need people to exorcize any demonic influence or pray for me to be "normal". this is normal, as far as i'm concerned. what i do need are date introductions.

most people whom i've confided in are supportive; admittedly, i do go through extensive deliberation before bringing the topic up with a given person. at present, i'd say about 50 people are in the know. that's mostly made up of friends, mentor figures, and one relative, although i understand that other relatives may be guessing. in this day and age, it's probably not that big a deal any more. but it's still scary to publicize it like this. despite the scariness, i did commit to post this in time for my birthday. the rationale behind that is "人生有几多个(三)十年?" - how many blocks of (in my modified quote) 30 years do we have? i figured that hitting this milestone age was a good time to decide to live a little more truthfully. and i will take ian mckellen's word for it too - he's kind of the role model in my life in this area.

I’ve never met a gay person who regretted coming out – including myself. Life at last begins to make sense, when you are open and honest. Today is the 30th anniversary of the BBC radio discussion when I publically said I was gay. So I’m celebrating!

— Ian McKellen (@IanMcKellen) January 27, 2018

if you're a random passer-by, this will probably not interest you. but if you're someone i know personally, don't worry. this changes nothing. i probably made your acquaintance after accepting myself, so the person you befriended technically didn't change from before to after this post. what has probably changed is your perception. regardless, i am always willing to hear contrasting opinions and beliefs. it is ok to believe what you want, but it's not ok to force your beliefs onto others. i hope to have a chance for dialogue, to dispel any misconceptions that you may have, and/or prove to you that there are exceptions to the stereotype. but if your mind isn't changed after that, we can agree to disagree, although i'll still think you're wrong (and you'll probably say the same about me).

going forward, i haven't really thought of what should change, or if anything should change at all. should i start using masculine pronouns when blogging about possible romantic interests, or stick to the gender-neutral "they"? i figure that this system has been working fine so far, so no point fixing something that isn't broken. i think we'll see how it goes...i may switch back and forth in an effort to be more open and less ambiguous. but yes. i think that's all i need to say as far as this is concerned. just drop me a line if you want to ask something, i welcome constructive feedback and genuine questions. with that, i guess it just leaves me to conclude this post...though i don't know how. perhaps i'll just stop writing here.

-random thought of the day: Nervous.-

Post 1 of 2 today: i've been (not really) dreading this day for a while. as of now, i can no longer say that i'm in my twenties. it feels odd, because i don't think i'm significantly different from the person i was yesterday. but yes, i'm 30 as of today, which means i've lived 3 decades on earth already. as you may know, i don't really place much emphasis on birthdays. i don't publicize the date on facebook or other social media (except for here), so i'm always pleasantly surprised when someone remembers. to me, it's just a sign of getting older, and perhaps wiser. that's why i don't understand some people i know who get really personally offended when they don't receive birthday wishes. but well...different perceptions and values, i suppose.

looking back on the past 10 years, life has been good enough to me. most of the time was spent in NUS, which is why i was joking that undergrad students who went on to do grad studies should receive long service awards as well. would i do it differently? maybe. probably. but i'd like to think that i made the best decision for myself based on what i wanted, and with the information available to me at that time. i do have a few deeper regrets though, like not getting in shape and staying in shape during army, and worse, letting the situation deprove some more throughout university. this should be a learning point to not let the same thing happen again when i start working. because no matter how tired i am, i'm sure that i can find the time to work out if i really want to...even if it means giving something else up. it's all a matter of prioritization.

there's a lot that i have to be grateful about. although i'm currently tight on cash, i have not taken money from anyone else (except for birthday and CNY red packets). i guess that some cosmic entity has been looking out for me and protecting me. case in point: my two most serious accidents (one in 2011, one earlier this year) resulted in quite bad damage to the cars, but comparatively little damage to me. no doubt fixing the cars cost money, but as you know, any problem that can be solved with money isn't really a problem at all. i do wish that things went a little better in my love life...or maybe all these rejections, wrong people, and downright idiots are preparing me for when the right person comes along. at this point, i kind of want it to be the final fantasy person, but let's not go there right now. i do have some trepidation about still being in the dating game at 30 years old. don't people get turned off when the first digit of a prospective date's age beings with 3? well, not if their own age begins with 4, but i'm under the impression that youth is favoured over most things.

i'm hoping that birthday luck exists, because i need a bit of luck today. got to go down to NUS to make payment and see them about a late fee waiver. i didn't realize i still had to pay fees for health services (even though i don't use them), and as a result, there was a $25 late fee tacked on. will quickly drop by the lab while i'm there, too. after that, i've got an interview with another tuition centre, this one specializing in chemistry. good thing that the learning lab needs some time to coordinate things, so maybe this will work out instead. the most immediate downside i can see is that this place is located at upper bukit timah. still, i'm not completely unfamiliar with the place. just hoping that they give a comparable (or better) offer.

-random thought of the day: Surprise dinner tonight!-

There's an odd twisty feeling in my heart, and it's not because of cardiovascular stress from gym. the day 2 workout is actually markedly easier than the one for day 1. i finished the whole routine in under an hour, and was not visibly dying by the end of it. my shoulders are weaker then i'd thought, though. i'm benching 38 pounds per hand, so i thought that the weight used for shoulder presses would be in that same range. oh, how mistaken i was. i struggled with 15 pounds per hand, which is kind of sad. i suppose it's because the shoulder muscles are smaller (and perhaps less-developed in my case) than the arm and chest muscles. well, there's plenty of room for improvement, to put a positive spin on it. i could probably get used to this alternating arrangement, although it doesn't feel quite right when i'm not dead tired after completing the day's workout. maybe it's something that i have to learn to accept, and believe that my fitness and strength are still improving.

now, twisty feeling. it occurred when i saw the person i like in the raid map, presumably with the rest of the guild members. i don't feel negative about not getting to raid with the guild as a whole, because it occurred to me that if this was the leader's way of dealing with conflict, my tenure in the raid team would be short-lived at best. but to see that person in there, and to not be able to talk to them...it sucks. but let's not get carried away here. i don't even know if the person is ready for a relationship, and more specifically, ready for a relationship with me. i don't even think i'm ready to date as of now, so...is there even a point in thinking about this? again, let's not fall into the trap of thinking that i have to try dating every nice person who comes along. it's ok to take more time, though one of tomorrow's posts will probably reveal my inner fears about that.

went down to novena square to meet a new mentor figure. the meeting was interesting. i was hoping to get some advice on what to do to start my career. while i did get that to some extent, he also gave me a few life lessons. all of them are important, but the one that really persisted with me is "learn to love the unloveable". it applies to both jobs/tasks and people. my current philosophy is to stay away from things/people i don't like. and if i can't stay away due to circumstances, i tolerate these things/people. to turn that attitude around and love them would be...challenging, to make a gross understatement. maybe i'm not at that level of personal cultivation yet. scratch the maybe, more like definitely. i wonder how long it will take me to learn that skill.

-random thought of the day: Why does NUS say that I owe fees!?-

Dealing with various organizations and even individuals at various levels has taught me one thing: if you don't respond, you lose by default. because if the case gets escalated higher, the party who doesn't respond can be thought of as obstructing the course of investigation, or something like that. of course, in this case, there's no legal breach, so there's nothing to obstruct except my desire for closure. i've reached out to both the guild leader and one of the other management people multiple times, and have received only silence in response. it's quite sad to know that there are people in this world who still choose to be...childish, i guess. admittedly, i do cut off communication with people if there is such a need, but i'll afford them some basic courtesy and tell them why.

like i said before, it's a pity. i do get along with the guild members, and i can honestly say that i enjoyed myself while doing content with them. there are a few of them on my friends list and on my facebook; i hope that they will choose to stay as friends, because i will. as for the person i like, i hope that we can do some content together or find some other way to get to know each other better. of course, i don't want them to have to choose between me and the guild, because that's going to create even more drama. i believe that they can be friends with both sides, but not everyone may see things this way. so we'll have to play that by ear. again, i have hypotheses on why things went down this way, but it's not fair of me to say too much when the leader chooses not to tell his side of the story. maybe i expected too much from him? although based on his impressive-sounding credentials, he should have more EQ than to do what he did, or leave things this way in the aftermath. oh well. not going to waste too many brain cells on this issue. i mean, there's basically no chance for resolution now, right?

sometimes, fate has a funny way of going round in circles, or leading you back to your starting point. i am still on very good terms with the people in my first-ever guild, the one that the ex scouted out for us to join together when we just started playing. oddly enough, i continued on while the ex became inactive. i was chatting with a few of them over discord just now, and they mentioned that their raid team was looking for a melee fighter, which suits me perfectly! apparently, they all switched roles and jobs this tier, and i guess someone left the team, resulting in an open slot. i told them that i'd love to give it a try, but i had to get better gear first. not to mention getting my attack sequence right; i'm about 10% away from killing the training dummy that's supposed to simulate the damage that we need to do to take the boss down. i figure that with a bit more optimization, i'll have it. all things happen for a reason, and this sequence of events is just further proof of that. have to keep telling myself to trust in the process.

Gosh, this whole raiding saga is gradually unfolding like a drama series. latest development: i've been removed from the guild in-game, as well as from the guild's discord. this was done rather sneakily, as in, with no preemptive notice, so that's a point of contention already. for someone who advocates a drama-free lifestyle, this is certainly more than i'm used to handling. apart from that, i believe that the leader blocked me off facebook too, which is...i don't even know how to describe it. unfriendly, maybe? initially i thought it might have been a glitch, since the servers are due for maintenance, but for two different platforms to glitch at the same time? far less likely.

i have my suspicions on how this came to be, and i'm about 98% sure that it's because something i wrote in the last post didn't agree with the leader, or he thought it through and felt that sacrificing one person to make 7 others happy was the right move after all. like i said before, having differing opinions is normal. it's the process of resolving the difference that matters. to take this kind of action first with no warning may be the standard practice (as with companies hiring/firing people), but it's still not right to me. another possible reason is that the leader read about my thoughts of doing PUG, and decided that i'm not fully loyal to the guild, or something to that effect. hence, he helped me make the decision by being the bad guy and forcing my hand. nevertheless, these are just deductions that are only backed up by inference. nothing really solid to go by yet. i've messaged the leader in game, and will probably do so again tonight because he didn't reply while i was online, and i'll have to go out soon.

it's quite hurtful, i guess, to be unceremoniously dumped, so to speak. even if i went raiding on my own, i had no intention to leave the guild because i do enjoy the company of the people there. maybe we don't know each other as well as we thought. the one thing i feel most sucky about is probably not being able to develop anything with the person i like. but at this point, after all the trouble that arose, i don't even know how they feel about me any more.

well...i won't assume too much. maybe this is a test, or another management error, or some other reason that i can't think of now. it's best not to jump too quickly to conclusions, because although it makes perfect sense to me based on the information that i have, there may be pieces of the puzzle that i'm not able to see. let's see how it goes. if my intuition is right, chances of an amicable resolution are low. oh well. you can't get along with everyone you meet in life...though i'd sure like to try. regardless, it's not the end of the world even if things go south. just remember that. as my favourite youtuber says, finding the right raid group isn't easy. in the extreme case, i'll just start my own guild. not too inclined right now, but well...who knows what the future holds?

gym today was good, feeling less tired despite using heavier weights. that's also because the new programme has fewer reps per exercise. to be honest, i felt a little too energetic. maybe that means the weights can go up even more. and it turns out that the coach had prepared a split-day programme for me for my initial 4 weeks, just that i didn't notice it. sigh. that's a month wasted doing the same thing every session, i guess, but at least i still got some exercise in. looking forward to being challenged tomorrow!

-random thought of the day: People sure can be different...-

Few things to update about...let's start with happier things, then move down the list.

had dinner yesterday with my aunt, uncle, and cousins. you already know about the (very small) age gap between me and my cousin, so not much to say there. in fact, we're now in the few days each year where i can say i'm a year younger than him. it's still somewhat unbelievable, that he's 30 already (with a kid!), and that my turn will come soon(er than i'd like). i kind of wonder if this is how the older generation felt at our age? my memories of growing up with my cousin mainly centre on the holidays where i would stay at his place, doing stupid things like playing wrestling on a bed and damaging the parquet floor, for one. whereas the memories that his kid will have of him is as of a parent, which would typically make her perceive him as more strict/authoritarian in nature. so i guess the way we interact with our peers and the generations above and below us are somehow affected by this different perception. also, it turns out his wife is born in october too, and shares birthdays with one of the chemistry guys. different year of course, but same month and day. they brought their daughter too, and in those 3 hours of dinner, i interacted with my niece more than i have for the past 106 days. she's cute and all, but i don't think that i'd want to take care of her long-term. nothing against her or her parents...just that i don't do well with that kind of overwhelming responsibility. so...yes. still not feeling strong enough paternal instincts to want a kid of my own. i doubt i ever will, which is fine.

tuition with VS boy is winding down, since O-levels are at the end of the month. he's done ten years' worth of exam papers, so at least there's work volume, or what's called "工作量". doesn't guarantee good results, but it helps to protect against failing too. i'm a little worried that he's still careless and intimidated by long, tough-looking questions. like today, we went through a question which had flowchart that took up 75% of the page, but only contained 3 reactions. he left it blank, which means a loss of 10-ish marks, or 2 grades just like that. the puzzling thing is that he understands it when we go through it together. i'll have to find a way to help him overcome this, and sooner rather than later. if i had to guess his grade at this point, i'd say between B3 to A1. assuming peak performance, an A would be easily within reach. but let's not jinx it. second tuition kid is a girl, from RJC. i met her for the first time on saturday, and i think that she mostly wants tuition for peace of mind. we went through 2 topics, and she seems to understand 75% or more of whatever we covered. perhaps she wants to boost a B to an A? well, it's only been one session, so there's not nearly enough data to draw a reliable conclusion.

speaking of data and conclusions, there's an update to the raiding thing. i will preface this part of the post by saying that there is no absolute right or wrong method in terms of problem solving or guild administration, just different methods which different people deem right or wrong based on their own subjective views and values. it is ok for opinions to differ. it's how we deal with the difference of opinion that matters more.

i had discovered the issue on friday night, and decided to take some time to calm down and try to see the bigger picture. i was occupied for most of saturday, and as a result, only managed to talk to the leader a little earlier this evening. he said that he was waiting for me to approach him, so that we could talk about this and reach an acceptable resolution together. fine, nothing wrong with that. if the positions were switched, though, i would probably preempt this problem by taking some action before the clash arose. but again, that's different management style. maybe his style is to tackle problems as and when they come up, while mine is to prevent problems from coming up in the first place as far as possible.

he told me that at the point of me expressing interest to join the raid team, i was not part of the guild. that is true. what happened was that between me signing up for the raid team and joining the guild, two members had joined the guild and the raid team. according to him, his policy was that guild members had priority, so i was removed from the team. it is not wrong, per se, considering it's his guild and he can run it however he likes. what i find wrong was that he didn't inform me in advance, and waited for the whole matter to come to a head before trying to solve it. i'm the kind of person who likes to operate on perfect knowledge (which isn't always possible), or with as much knowledge as is available. so for me to find that out by myself was...unpleasant. no doubt members have priority, but if i was in his position, i would first give the outsider a chance to confirm his place, most likely by joining the guild, or find a way to more evenly distribute the people into 2 teams. but yes. so that's how the problem came about.

as for the resolution, we were of the same mind to look for a win-win situation, which i think was a very good starting point. unfortunately, a win-win scenario isn't that easily achieved here. you see, raiding isn't that simple. there are some conditions, like the number of each role that makes up a full party. to go into even more detail, the specific job matters too. there basically can't be duplicate jobs within a team, which already poses a constraint. and don't forget - not everyone is proficient in all jobs, or there may be job preferences, or some jobs aren't levelled or geared. the leader's solution was arguably the best compromise for my benefit - he said that he would step out, and let me have a spot on the team. problem is, he's a healer and i'm not. so there has to be some reshuffling. and that creates even more problems. in fact, the person i like was asked to heal in the leader's stead, but they said that they didn't want to, and would rather not raid than heal. so somehow, more friction and more hassle were created.

one thing which doesn't sit well with me is that i don't want to feel indebted to the leader for giving up his spot. he says that he's fine with it, but none of us can guarantee that the rest of the team/guild will be fine either. the person i like did actually offer to step out so that the leader could raid too. i trust that the leader's intentions are good, but it feels sort of like emotional blackmail. you know, "i gave up my spot for you, so you better do well". it's really really uncomfortable and unnecessarily stress-inducing, for lack of better adjectives - though i'm reasonably sure that he doesn't intend it that way. there are a couple more ideas i have to solve this, and what matters is which solution leads to the least net harm across the guild. no matter how i look at it, the solution which best fulfills that requirement is me stepping out and just going with PUGs, or looking for another team. that way, it just results in "harm" to one person, so to speak, and the rest of the guild can carry on happily as planned. i wonder, is it something wrong with me, to see the scenario which benefits me the most and still not jump on it? i guess it's that thing about judging by intentions vs actions. either that, or one of my big brother figures was saying libras have their own set of values by which they judge things and people around them. so maybe the offered solution doesn't fit with one of my values. if i had to guess, i'd say "fairness" - by my own definition, that is.

when something you do primarily for leisure/fun becomes no longer fun, there's no real point in doing it any more, right? i half want to just tell them to carry on, and that i'll find my own solution. it's difficult, because they've already gone through so much just to accommodate me, and also because i really do want a fixed raiding group. at the same time, i'm not sure how the group chemistry will be like now that this issue has happened. not to mention my own expectations of myself due to having been given the spot. it's still discomforting. i suppose the most extreme thing to do would be to burn bridges - leave the guild, do some facebook deletion, become untraceable, and start anew in my search for a raiding team. but that's hardly productive. going into raiding with anything less than a positive mindset would be detrimental to the group too, and that's not fair to the other 7 people.

not completely linked, but i was talking to a senior old boy at turf city on saturday morning. this old boy is pretty much a mentor figure to me, and i was telling him about the learning lab job offer. he also happens to be an amazingly successful headhunter, though he's been retired for 20 years or so. based on what i told him, he said that he felt i was being ripped off by the learning lab. the low rate, long notice period, and lack of employee benefits (annual leave) were the three main things he cited. interestingly, he taught me 2 important lessons that morning. first, i told him that a month's notice period is pretty much standard practice in the industry. he said that since i was considered a part-timer and receiving a comparatively low hourly rate, he felt that a week's notice period would be more appropriate. the lesson here is, do what's right, not necessarily what's the established "standard". the guild leader said that it was standard practice to post announcements and let everyone see it at the same time, then raise objections if they had any. what's right to me is to solve conflicts before they even happen. the second thing my mentor figure told me is that i have to learn to fight for myself, ensure that i'm being treated fairly if the company won't/doesn't. that starts with knowing what's within my rights as "fair" too. and from there, how to negotiate a win-win. my cousin, who's also in the recruitment line, directed me to the employment act. quite informative, but a lot to digest. there's a bit of a dilemma in this case, though. fighting for myself and making myself better off will necessarily make some people worse off. is it worth it? such headache.

given that the information i have doesn't allow for reliable prediction of how things will unfold, i don't know what to do. i mean, i could really enjoy raiding with the guild, or there could be irreconcilable differences in our play style or strategies. i could see success with randomly-matched players, or i could be failing the raid day after day. it's hard to say. the most logical thing to do now would be to attempt to raid with the guild. since they've put in all the effort already, i don't want to make any more disturbance. one of my friends from the other community advised me to just go PUG, as he thinks that the stress from being handed the spot will affect me adversely. that's my primary concern in terms of raid performance, not to mention how the group dynamic will be affected by this "troublemaking" behaviour. so annoying. in the real world, i've got the usual 4 gym sessions, now with a split workout routine to break up the monotony. meeting another mentor figure on tuesday, dinner with my old coach tomorrow. i'm surprised that he got in touch. i wonder why. i figured out why i was not that inclined to talk to him at length recently. he does what i call teasing - leading with a bit of information then stopping short of the full story. example, in a whatsapp group: "someone we know is getting married. PM me to find out who and what wedding gift i got them". i mean...just say the whole thing, right!? no point in keeping the identity a secret since it's someone we all know. so...i'm bracing for more of this type of conversation. i'll handle it by being more direct, i guess. apart from that, groceries tomorrow. meeting N this coming sunday for dinner, and the JC class at large next saturday. should probably treasure what may be my last few free weekends before starting work.

-random thought of the day: Still not at equilibrium.-

*Warning: most of this post will probably sound childish, unless you play an MMO or a game/sport that requires teamwork, coordination, and has limited chances for representation. actually, it might sound childish even then, so you've been warned.*

well, cracks have started to appear in my guild membership. well...perhaps that's not entirely accurate, but let's write everything out and see how best to phrase it. first issue: i learnt that most of the members are new players. "new" as in "have not been actively subscribed for more than 3 months" kind of new. that's not so bad, considering i didn't really pick up on it from the way they raided, but what i don't comprehend is that one guy bought all the story skips and level skips so that he can just get into raiding. why do you even play the game if you're going to skip past the story? maybe people who do this want to focus on the endgame content, and don't place much emphasis on the storyline(s). i wouldn't care as much for most other games, but really - doing this for final fantasy is kind of...insulting, if you ask me. the storylines are masterfully written, although i will concede that it does get draggy just before the first expansion. even then, it sets up everything, so you know why certain characters are so reviled, or you understand why some characters act in certain ways. regardless, it's his account and his money, so he can do as he sees fit. after all, to quote a meme-fied phrase from the game, i don't pay his subscription.

second issue: considering that this guy has been playing for maybe two months, tops, my next question is: how did he get so rich? i noticed that he's got his crafters levelled, so maybe he got rich through crafting. i'm not experienced there, so i don't know. my first instinct is to think that he used the services of a real-money trader, which as the name implies, gives you in-game currency for actual currency. that's against the terms of service, by the way. last i heard, the going rate was 1 million gil for USD 1.50? not sure, but i can imagine that if he's willing to spend close to USD 150 on the story and level upgrades, spending about USD 50 for 30+ million gil wouldn't be too hard. still, i shall attempt to see the best in people and choose to believe that he did everything through legitimate means, unless/until proven otherwise. the level and story skips are legitimate, because they're items/services offered from square enix themselves. even then, this kind of "pay-to-win" mentality doesn't sit quite well with me.

you know, i can overlook all that. it's no big deal, most of the people play their jobs well despite being new, so there's nothing for me to complain about. issue 3, however, is my main point of contention. the initial and primary reason i joined this guild was to have a raiding team. back then, they even told me that the team was still forming up, so getting a place wouldn't be an issue. and when the lineup was posted a few days ago, guess who wasn't in it? if it doesn't seem like that big a deal, maybe substitute "guild" with "interest group" or "sports team", and "raiding" with a competitive sport/activity of your choice. i hope you see the parallels now. i was extremely and irrationally annoyed, for 2 reasons: (1) it took so long to find people who ticked all the boxes, only to learn that it may not go through after all, (2) being left out means i can't raid with that person. anyway, the annoyance has mostly subsided, after talking to people from another final fantasy community that i happen to be a part of as well. they basically told me to calmly and rationally ask why this happened (which i'd planned on doing already). they also advised me to look for other alternatives, like a PUG (pick-up group, aka. randomly matched players). but to do that, i'll have to get even better equipment. well, maybe it's time to shell out the money for that nice spear. it'll be expensive, but it's something that i probably can afford.

thank goodness i'm no longer as impulsive as i was in, say, secondary school or JC...maybe even NS. a past version of me from those times would probably have called the leader out, demanded to know why he (i) was left out, and insisted on a resolution that was satisfactory to him (me). very bridge-burning kind of attitude. present me still wants to know why i was left out, of course, but the difference is that i will do it in a more tactful and peaceable manner. as for resolution, ideally they find some way to put me back in the group, but if they don't/can't/won't, i won't lose as much sleep over it compared to those younger versions of me. it will be a pity to not raid with that person, but if we're meant to be together, it'll happen regardless. i wonder what the odds look like. well...just focus on what we can change.

last side note, the coach who usually does my measurements is away (apparently on honeymoon! i didn't even know he was attached, let alone that he got married recently), so my measurement will have to wait until next wednesday earliest. looking in the mirror, i don't see much change. but that's because i see myself every day. i did notice an increase in weights lifted, so that's a positive. plus, my timing for the cardio pushing thing was under one minute for each of the 3 runs that i did. that's progress. most significantly, my knee has basically full range of motion again. i can sit in full seiza without feeling any pain, which is a marked improvement from a month ago. oddly, my clothes still fit about the same. i'd like to think that some fat has given way to muscle inside my body, but only the calipers will give a conclusive answer. i'll find out in a few days, i guess.

Poor scheduling again, resulting in about 45 minutes' extra time before gym. will have to hurry with this post, as it looks like rain. two major things have happened since the last post, first of which is that i went to speak to the manager of another tuition centre, called oodles (the centre, not the manager). this centre was recommended by one of the chemistry guys, and it specializes in teaching maths. the manager lady was quite nice, and it felt much more casual than the learning lab in general. she seemed eager to have me on board, probably because of both the recommendation from my friend, and that she needs tutors. i found out more about the job, and this one seems to offer more flexibility, but at lower pay, of course. i think let's weigh pros and cons of each:

learning lab pros
- fixed pay (~$2700 per month gross)
- training provided
- no minimum contract period
- offers science as a teaching subject
- i'm paid as long as i show up (even without classes to cover)

learning lab cons
- fixed, but long hours (9:00am-6:00pm)
- potentially hectic schedule (but transport between centres is claimable)
- difficult to get leave
- CPF deduction (may be a pro too, depending on perspective)

oodles pros
- higher per-hour rate (from $45 to $50 per hour)
- greater flexibility in teaching hours
- greater flexibility in leave policy
- no CPF deduction (again, perspective)
- training provided for primary school

oodles cons
- likely lower absolute pay (depending on number of classes and students per class)
- i have to teach maths and only maths
- 2-year contract (with harsh penalties for early termination) if i teach at the primary level

assuming i teach the same number of hours, i'll earn $3200 per month with oodles, no CPF. why does that sound familiar...that's my grad student allowance! i could be working only 2 days a week and making the same as when i was on call 24/7 for lab! but well...working in lab for the degree will (should) (may) (please may it) propel me to greater things in a way that working in a tuition centre can't. that's not to say that the tuition centre route is inferior, or leads to a dead end; tuition is a ridiculously lucrative business in singapore. it's just different. although i do wonder if i should have started with the learning lab earlier, maybe while still doing grad studies, or at least earlier this year when my scholarship ran out? well...something something spilt milk, something something done is done. so yes, not much point wondering.

one thing that heavily tips the balance in the learning lab's favour is that they've just called me a while ago to offer me the job! it's as if they read my mind, or knew that i was exploring other centres. that would be creepy. all the same, i'm going to check my clothes and stuff for listening devices. or they probably shorted out when i washed my clothes, right? considering water-resistant smartphones these days, i don't know. but that's just me being paranoid, hopefully with the intended comedic effect and without making me look like a crazy conspiracy theorist.

right, that's all the time i have. to the gym!

-random thought of the day: Another centre popped up. let's see how this goes.-

Is this week 4 or week 5 of healthy living? it's the fifth week since i started, but considering i missed a week of gym, i don't know which number to use. let's just say 4, since i think sick-week doesn't count. just had my third gym session of the week earlier today (out of a planned 4 total this week), and i think something's changed. i don't feel as sore as the first 3 weeks. in fact, even though i worked out only about 2-ish hours ago, i feel surprisingly strong. not strong enough to crush another workout, mind you, but generally fitter. and that's even after increasing weights for most exercises! maybe the week of rest helped to get rid of the muscle fatigue and whatever toxins that accumulated could be purged. i'm hoping that this persists, ideally indefinitely, because i feel physically better than i have felt in a long time.

probably one thing that could improve is my sleeping hours. not so much the duration, but more of the specific time at which i go to sleep. due to raiding with the new guild, i'm sleeping between 1:00am to 3:00am on average. since i'm not working at the moment, i can wake up correspondingly later, say 9:00am or even after that. have to remember to take that into account when scheduling gym sessions, though. you see, in the absence of extraordinary circumstances, i'm rather slow to warm up in the mornings after i wake up. so like today, i woke up at about 9:00am for an 11:30am gym session. i felt the muscle fatigue so much quicker as compared to tuesday, where i woke up at a similar time, but had an evening session instead. am thinking of waking up earlier on days with afternoon gym, which means that i'll have to sleep earlier on the nights before.

my friend recommended me another tuition centre, specializing in maths. he actually told me about it in june/july or so, but i only contacted them recently due to my travelling, and the PSLE, which made them extremely busy in september. i'm scheduled to meet the boss of the centre tomorrow, at their katong village branch. initially, i didn't intend on contacting this new centre due to my good prospects with the learning lab (not to mention my fear of maths), but my friend told me to keep my options open. upon a little more thought, that does seem like a wiser move. maybe this second place will offer better pay or other benefits, not to mention there's more security in having multiple offers to choose from, instead of banking everything on one place. chemical engineer cousin has written a few posts about eggs and baskets pertaining to her job situation, and it's basically the same general metaphor in this case, just adjusted for details. one thing that i have to keep in mind for now is that i probably won't be able to accept both offers. issues of scheduling conflict aside, the learning lab has made it abundantly clear that i'm not allowed to give other tuition while under their employ. not even for a different subject than the one i'm contracted to teach for them. not sure about the legality of this, but i figure that i'll see how things go. based on what i remember from both sides, i think the learning lab's offer is more attractive. but no harm going to listen to the other centre, is there?

speaking of tuition, i've got a rather interesting assignment. it's for a J2 kid, and will likely be short-term because A-levels are coming in a month's time or less (should be over by mid-november). i even double checked with the agency to make sure that they didn't send me the wrong info. good thing about this assignment is that the kid lives in sengkang, and is walking distance from me. i really am not sure what to expect, considering that it's far too late to teach new content now. guess i'll have to focus on the weaker topics and maybe answering techniques. first session is set for this saturday evening, so that's something to plan for. i was pretty impressed with myself, as i remembered to ask about the agency's commission policy to avoid any potential misunderstandings. seems like they charge less commission due to the last-minute nature of this request. if all goes well, i should be able to make $480 for 4 sessions (after agency's commission), which is perfectly acceptable to me.

forecast for the next few days: tuition meeting and gym with measurement tomorrow (hope i lost body fat!), turf city and tuition on saturday, tuition and kurash on sunday, new workout routine for gym on monday, meeting that potential mentor figure on tuesday, along with maybe an alternative routine for gym, then scary post on wednesday. should give it more thought. in the more distant future, dinner with N the following sunday, and maybe planning something at the end of the month. all's stable on the final fantasy end. i've kind of expressed my like for the person VERY casually, but i don't know if they're taking it seriously or not. regardless, the plan is: friends first, any developments later. and i finally saw (a photo of) them out of cosplay attire! still attractive. help, i'm falling deeper into this bottomless pit. should take this opportunity to remind myself of two things: first, perception of attractiveness changes with time. there are people i know who are attractive upon first glance, and maybe even after a couple of meetings. but after that, their attractiveness (to me) decays quite rapidly. it's nothing wrong with them, just that i don't consider them "耐看" (literally "able to endure being looked at"). only time will tell, unfortunately, so i don't know about this person's 耐看-ness yet. the second and more important thing is that i am attracted to whatever i've seen so far. the pictures, the voice over my speakers, the in-game character...all that doesn't make up the complete person. so perhaps this is where "guard your (my) heart" comes in, and that's difficult because i want to believe that this person is good and nice and sweet and all that. well...no stress. after all, the possibility exists that they may not like me back. so just enjoy what we have going now, which is pretty decent already.

-random thought of the day: Buy vinegar when next doing groceries!-

Mistimed my schedule planning a little, so i've got an extra hour between microteaching and gym. so i figured, why not come back and change out of the formal wear, and blog a little as well?

microteaching went well! well enough, at least. i was supposed to be delivering the content to primary school-level students, so i tried my best to minimize the use of technical terms. not even the word "molecule". my audience (a friendly HR lady and the science subject head, who is many years my senior in NUS chemistry) were helpful in their roles as fake students, for which i'm grateful. goodness knows i'd hate to force classroom engagement. my key takeaways: speak more slowly, write more legibly, and relate content to real-life examples. they seemed happy with my performance, saying that the mistakes i made could be adjusted for with training. i'm looking to hear from them in about 2 weeks, a deadline which i hope that they will keep better than how NUS has (not) kept theirs.

joining this new guild in FFXIV has been fun so far. there are all kinds of interesting people inside, including the someone who i'm interested in. this person says that they're single, and that they're looking for someone to love them. i offered, half-jokingly, but nothing came out of that. not like i expected it to. let's not fall into the same trap of rushing things. right now i think we should get to know each other better, raid together, and build from there. i kind of think that having something in common (gaming) would be good, as would observing how we react under pressure (savage raids are quite intense). an interesting thing is that they're taller than me. i'm no giant, but i've never dated someone more than 5cm above me in height. the ex and i were about the same, and all the rest of the people so far this year have been shorter. it's not going to affect the relationship either way, but i just thought that's it's novel enough to mention. i seriously want to hug them, though. they sound so cute! but yes. control.

there's another guy to whom i spoke for some length yesterday. he's the leader of the guild, and he's...unique. very interesting and diverse skill sets, different world view, and all that. one thing though, is that he seems to come from a privileged family background. i don't know for sure, hence "seems". i think i'll dedicate a post to speak about him, and my thoughts about inequality. but that'll have to wait. it's gym time! going to push for a slight weights increase. hope i don't mess my body up.

-random thought of the day: Groceries tomorrow.-

Today was quite a well-balanced day. one good thing and one bad thing happened, both of which kind of cancel each other out. well, actually no. there was one more good thing which i'd forgotten about. so maybe today wasn't as neutral as i'd thought.

bad thing first: my big brother figure told me that the person isn't interested in me. i don't know how he found that out, and he won't reveal his methods. normally, that would raise some skepticism. and to be honest, it still does. but i know this guy has my best interests at heart, so i'll take his word for it. besides, there's no conflict of interest, since he has no romantic interest in that person. he was telling me that this person not liking me back might not be a bad thing. and i agree, because it gives me space to really focus on myself as i had intended. of course, the other way to look at it would be to say that if the person liked me as i am now, there would not be a need for all my plans of improving myself. but you know what? i'd rather have the first scenario over the second. because i know that what i'm doing now (gym, healthy eating) will pay off in the longer run. in an attempt to cheer me up, my big brother figure also said that who knows - someone better might come along. i told him that i was sure of it. if that person was the best i'd ever meet, i'd might as well remain single for life if they had no interest in me. now all i have to do is remember that if/when loneliness strikes.

the first good thing today was my niece's 100th day celebration! it was really lively, and despite fears of not having enough food, i think everyone was well-fed. i know i was! it was the first time i saw a portable prata stand. they got a chef to come down, and he brought along the dough balls and fillings, along with a metal stove plate thing and LPG to make and cook the prata on the spot. i was extremely impressed. i think it's true - you hang out with like-minded people. i noticed that a fair few of the friends my cousin invited are also parents to young kids, like him. i wonder if hanging out more with attached people will help improve my odds? then again, most of the chemistry guys with whom i hang out regularly are attached, and that hasn't helped much. but i digress. i was just thinking to myself, how my niece would look like when she gets older. will she be scared of/by me? i hope that she'll grow up smart, happy, and healthy. maybe i should go see her more...though i doubt there's much point right now. maybe in a couple of years, when she can talk and recognize more people reliably.

second good thing was meeting my senior. i passed him his duty-free alcohol, and we had a nice chat over drinks at parkway parade. the constructions changed the roads again, so some turns became even more disguised than before. i figured that it's better to park at parkway itself now, instead of the surrounding HDB carparks. more space, plus it's basically the same rate, or may even be cheaper depending on the time of the day. should probably still avoid evenings though, as i think it'll be more crowded. back to the main topic. my senior was telling me that vacancies may open up at his place, and that it was a viable option to apply there. at the same time, he also advised me to try elsewhere first. you see, it's a government job, which means there's not much room for advancement if the top management doesn't leave. and there's...not exactly politics, but differences between the different levels of employees. not to mention the pay is lower than a private company. one thing it has going for it is job stability/security, which is a pretty significant pro. not good enough to convince me to apply at this point in time, but good to keep in the back of my mind. on a related note, i appreciate having guiding figures in my life. it's nice to have people to look to as role models, or for advice, or just to be there for each other through certain tough times. i'm quite sure i would have made so many more stupid, needless mistakes if not for these people in my life.

just the usual kurash tomorrow. i may be undertaking a major project for the federation, but i'll have to discuss it with everyone to decide how best to move forward. no tuition due to the alternate week arrangement, and...nothing else i can think of. i've booked monday gym, so i've to get back into the groove. may have to go to waterway point next week to get compressed air for computer cleaning. the carousell seller didn't reply, either. if he doesn't reply by tomorrow, i may just shell out the extra money to get a new set. the wait for shipping and stuff will be annoying, but as far as i can see, that's the only other alternative to get my hands on that headset. will probably have to go for groceries on tuesday or wednesday...no, definitely wednesday. tuesday's too packed with gym, microteaching, and possibly that movie outing already. or maybe i should go on monday, get it off my mind first. oh, and call the tuition centre tomorrow to understand what exactly it is that they want me to do. all that should beep me sufficiently busy, and with no mental space to worry about thesis results or relationships.

-random thought of the day: Sort out travel plans for end of the year.-

Although it wasn't my intention, somehow things have worked out so that i've been meeting interesting people these few days. the first is a potential benefactor for kurash. i've actually wanted to meet him for a while now, but for more personal reasons. you see, he's a really successful businessman, and based on what i've read about him before, he seems to be very willing to be a mentor for younger people. given that i need some direction in life, i'd thought of approaching him. just that there never seemed to be a good reason until the topic of him also helping the kurash federation came up. the meeting was extremely enlightening. despite referring to himself as a stupid old man who likes to interfere, he actually had a pretty good picture of the overall sports scene in singapore, plus a really good idea for how to promote some of the lesser-known sports. i'm set to contact him for a second meeting, one-on-one this time, for a chat and perhaps some guidance. hoping that that turns out well.

the second person i've met is from final fantasy. remember how i said i was looking for people to raid with and generally have a sense of community? i joined a pretty large guild, about 140 members. the chat is active, but slight issue is that they're mostly based in australia and new zealand, meaning that there's a time difference of between 2 to 4 hours. so by the time i log on at night, most of them will be about to log off as it'll be close to midnight for them. on the other hand, i've also got acquainted with a singaporean guild, which despite having maybe 10-ish members, is more active in terms of doing content together. i've joined them for treasure hunts, helped one of their members to unlock some content to get her caught up, and we have plans to raid together in future once i get some better equipment. also, i've been invited into their discord server, and we've had several voice chats while doing the aforementioned events. got to admit, there's something about them that puts me at ease. maybe it's because the whole group sounds singaporean over voice chat. more specifically, they use a mixture of singlish and chinese, so there's the sense of familiarity. might consider joining their guild, but i'll still give the current guild a bit more time.

sorry, got distracted. second person. this person is from the singaporean side of the new people i met, and based on their voice alone, i was already pretty attracted. after some batman work on their facebook profile, i became REALLY attracted. there's one thing (other than my feelings and hormones) throwing off an accurate assessment, and that is that this person's photos are mostly of them in costume for cosplay. nothing wrong with it, though it's a hobby that i don't understand. the issue is that cosplay involves the use of makeup, wigs, nicer-than-normal clothes, and basically stuff that enhances a person's appearance beyond what they look like regularly. scary JC friend has shown me a video of how makeup can transform a person's looks from a 3 into an 8 or 9, so i'm constantly reminding myself to apply salt liberally to whatever i'm seeing in this person's profile. looks aside, this person just sounds cute based on their voice, the things that they say, and the way they say these things. there are two potential stumbling blocks, though, namely age difference (i think they're still in university!) and lack of interest on their part. well, like i said, i'm not going to actively look for relationships until i feel better about myself. still, no harm making the acquaintance of more good-looking people, right? maybe their looks will rub off on me. yes, i'm kidding about that last part.

upcoming events for the weekend and next week: my baby niece turns 100 tomorrow! days, that is, not years or months. incidentally, i was thinking how long 100 months is, and it works out to 8 years and 4 months. without knowing it, i've been alive for more than 300 months already! that milestone occurred when i turned 25. whoops, digressed again. my cousin and cousin-in-law are having a little lunch party thing to celebrate the occasion. maybe i'll finally gather up the courage to hold my niece. after all, if i can hold a snake, i should be able to hold a baby, right? ...don't bet on it. then i'm meeting my senior to pass him the duty-free alcohol from a month or more back, and perhaps i'll go see a carousell seller about the sennheiser PC37X. he listed it for $155, plus a fast deal discount. it would be amazing if he would go as low as $100, though i'm thinking that about $120 would be perfectly acceptable too. the maximum i'd pay is probably $125 or $130. we'll see how good my negotiation skills are.

next week, i have to get back in the gym. it'll be the end of my 4th week by next friday, so i'm due for a measurement and a new workout routine for the week after. hoping to see a decrease in body fat percentage. i mean, it should decrease, right? considering the healthy eating and working out? will then be meeting the singaporean final fantasy group for a movie on tuesday night, tentatively johnny english at bishan. i think that person will be attending as well, so maybe that may give me better perspective. just like with the other person earlier, i have this strange desire to hug them. let's keep it in check, now. don't want to look bad in front of new people. oh rats. there's the learning lab microteaching thing on tuesday too. will need to shuffle things around, but i'm sure things will turn out fine.

my friend has also told me that he waited about 3 months for his thesis feedback. that means i potentially have another month of waiting! not happy about it at all. my senior says that i should just apply for jobs first, because in the history of NUS chemistry that we know of, nobody has made it to thesis submission and failed. i don't want to be the first, though. i've been on glassdoor, and apparently people are searching for me on linkedin. i have no idea how, considering i give my more professional-looking gmail address, yet i get notifications in my hotmail junk folder. or maybe it's because i forward my gmail emails to hotmail? will sort that out later. can't remember if i have anything else planned. there's dinner with N coming up within this month, and we are just a little more than a week away from possibly the most terrifying post i'll make on this blog. i'll probably go through at least fifth thoughts about it, but also, i did make a commitment to talk about it on/by a specific date. it'll be ok.

-random thought of the day: Still need to cash that cheque!-

Can't believe how long it's taking me to fully recover from this allergy-induced illness! my nose is ok, more or less, but i'm still coughing a fair bit. the phlegm went from clear to green, and back to clear now, which means that i'm on the road to recovery. consequently, i decided to take the week off gym, just so that i wouldn't cough up a lung (or worse, puke) while trying to catch my breath between exercises. it's a bit of a setback, i won't deny that. but it's a setback that i can recover from. good news is that another friend has said that i kind of shrunk, so that's great reinforcement and motivation. just have to pay even closer attention to my intake during this slight down period, since the output has been greatly reduced.

i've been meaning to blog about the note 5. as you may remember, it got damaged due to an idiot taxi cutting in front of me and forcing me to jam the brake, which made the phone fly, cracking the screen. it happened on the same day as the accident too, which means i was REALLY down on my luck that day. cut to about 8 months from then, and it's still damaged. while talking to the customer service guy as i was sending my note 8 in for screen replacement, i offhandedly asked about the cost to replace a note 5 screen. he told me that it would cost $350, which is basically more than it sells for second-hand now. so...it doesn't make economic sense to repair the phone, especially since the warranty's long expired. now i've got to figure out what to do with it. there's the option of throwing it away, which is the least economical and potentially quite unsafe. i figure that if i want to let the phone leave my possession, i should find some way to factory reset it first. either that, or drown it/find another way to make the data unrecoverable. doing that will probably drop the phone's value to zero, even for spare parts. so there seems to be a tradeoff somehow. the most in-between option would be going to a non-official repair shop, and ask them to somehow hook up the display to something else so that it's visible again. then, wipe the phone, and sell it off for parts. not difficult, just troublesome. but is it worth it for maybe up to $150 that i could get back from selling the phone? probably.

taking the effort to do that seems more reasonable when i think of my current financial situation, plus another want that has come up. this want is a new gaming headset. you know, the ones with an attached microphone for voice chat? the one i have now actually still works fine, just that there's this synthetic poly-something leatherette material used to cover the padding on the headphone cups. it is quite soft and comfortable, but the downside of that material is that it starts to peel over time, revealing the inner sponge and dropping little black flakes on my shoulders. and if i'm being really 100% honest about it, it's also part of my effort to remove traces of the ex from my life. probably the only things from them that i will keep are the stuffed animals, and the pen (but that's only because it's got my name engraved on it). i've been checking out some online reviews of gaming headsets, and have more or less reached a decision. it'll probably be something from logitech (G433 or G633) or sennheiser (PC37X). considering first-hand prices, the logitech options cost between $150 to $230, while the sennheiser ones go for about $180. carousell lists the logitech ones between $100 to $210, and sennheiser for between $150 (negotiable) to $180. right now, i'm actually leaning towards the sennheiser. it's got an understated look, and apparently there are good reviews of it online. logitech has too many bells and whistles which i don't really need. i mean, RGB lighting and 7.1 surround sound on a headset? i don't even have 7.1 surround sound speakers! to be fair, i do use certain logitech products (mice) and have found them to be able to withstand a fair bit of abuse. so, nothing against logitech. just that i'm not at the level of being such a dedicated gamer that requires such powerful gear.

another want is new monitors. again, nothing wrong with my current ones, just that i think that i'd like something bigger. my current monitor is 23 inches, and i'm thinking of going to 27 or 32. i just forgot how expensive monitors are! actually while on the topic of tech upgrades, i kind of do want to build a new PC. just saw that nvidia released a new graphics card, the RTX2080 which like its name, is going for about $2000. along with the RAM upgrades, hard disks, and processor, i should probably set aside close to $3500 for it. again, when i start working, and after i've paid off all my debts. after all, my current PC is serving me just fine. will definitely recycle some stuff to save on costs, like keyboard/mouse and speakers.

work update! nothing from NUS yet. the wait is getting mildly annoying. but i'm still of the view that i'd rather wait longer and pass, than fail on time. i'm just hoping for good news by the end of this week, or i'll have to go down to school to see what's taking them longer than the promised 2 months. the learning lab has also got back in touch with me last week or so after my follow-up, and basically told me that i was at too high a level for the jobs that they were offering. in other words, a polite "go away". surprisingly, they called me again yesterday to discuss teaching primary school science. having said that i don't want to make a career of giving tuition, i asked them about weekend opportunities. they actually have a weekend program as well! it's more of covering classes, though, so there'll be a lot of travelling. from what i understand, transport fare is claimable, but petrol and parking aren't. so guess who's going to be grabbing a lot between centres? interesting thing i noticed was that compared to a full-time position, the weekend position works for less days (2 vs 5), but gets paid more than half of the full-time salary. really shows how much they need people on the weekends. and since it's more of covering classes, the best-case scenario is that i can spend an entire weekend shaking my legs and collecting free money. the worst case, of course, is travelling like a dog and having to teach class, but i think it'll be ok? the hours are 9:00am to 6:00pm, with an hour's lunch, i imagine. assuming each class is 2 hours long, that's a maximum of 4 classes per day. seems doable. at my peak tuition period in undergrad, i had classes from about 11:00am to 8:00pm, so i should be able to handle this.

the most obvious drawback of taking this weekend tuition assignment is that i'll have to give up most of my usual weekend routine. both turf city and kurash fall within the times where i'm supposed to be at the tuition centre, and since i haven't mastered the art of being in two places at once, something has to make way. of course there is the option of taking only one weekend day for tuition, at the cost of half the pay. not sure how things will work out, but we'll see based on the developments. should probably mention that the job isn't secured yet. they seem interested, but i'll have to undergo this thing called microteaching, which is to deliver a lesson to existing teachers who will be taking on the role of students. the topic they gave me was water. changes in state, water cycle, all that stuff. i'm still not too sure on the objectives of the lesson, like, do they want me to teach new content, or go through tutorial answers? will have to call them to clarify. in the event i do get this job, plus a regular day job in a chemical company, it would mean that i'm working 7 days a week. given that i don't have a partner or kids or much of a social life, i suppose it should be ok. gatherings and meetings with friends can be done in the evenings and nights, and working out can probably be shifted to the mornings. better yet if my future company has gym benefits...but let's not jump too far ahead. working 7 days a week is possible; one of the chemistry guys does it, juggling insurance and tuition. difference between us is that he's got a wife and 3 kids, so that gives him motivation to work hard. i wonder if going down this path will lead to me neglecting everything else for work, and ending up bitter and (still) alone in my old age. let's hope not.

-random thought of the day: Need new cans of compressed air.-