Just want to put on record two conversations today that have had a significant impact on me.

conversation 1 was with my lab friend. or rather, my ex-lab friend who is working in the neighbouring research group. i gave him a lift on the way to genesis, and took the opportunity to monopolize his ears. his take on the whole thing is a little different, and was a new perspective for me. so far, almost everyone i've talked to has told me to break up and go. my friend, however, told me to stay and try until i could try no more. and only then, leave. i think it's interesting, because by doing this, i'd have accounted to myself that i've done all i can, and there was really nothing else for me to do at that point. i guess that's something that i can consider.

conversation 2 was with a lady who took my grabhitch after my gym session. we got to talking, and she told me that her husband was hitting the gym too. we had a nice conversation about various gyms, and i told her about my horrible experience with personal trainers from anytime fitness. before she alighted, she actually commended me for attempting to live healthily and getting fitter. slightly embarrassed, i told her that i had a car and couldn't complain about distance or whatever. she said that still, it took effort to drive from NUS to genesis, and to prepare my own meals. she knows, because she sees her husband go through the same thing. that really made my day. i was just thinking to myself that maybe the partner doesn't actually see the behind-the-scenes stuff, like shopping for groceries, or leaving lab and praying that traffic won't be too rough, and that i'll be early enough to beat the ERP. to be fair, they do send encouraging messages for the workout, but i thought it was nice that someone recognized the preparations that go on outside the gym too.

that's it, i guess. rather short post. the partner and i had a whatsapp conversation too, and it's given me a lot to think about and to reevaluate. brief highlight: even after so long, the partner doesn't feel love for me. and as you know, time has not really helped with the whole finding me unattractive thing. i still don't understand why the partner is holding on to this relationship in light of these two things. maybe now you see why i'm questioning my purpose here. a few of my friends have said that i'm basically disposable. sucks to hear, but i can't really deny it. well...let's see how things go. i'm due to talk to chemical engineer cousin and the chemistry guys too. i think by then a decision might come to me.

-random thought of the day: Need to clean my room.-

Hello readers! this post will be split into a happy part, and then a sad/emo/frustrated part, and maybe a neutral part if i have the time and mood. i'll put markers so you can avoid anything that might spoil your mood.

happy part
chemical engineer cousin is in town! she's back for a work trip, and her husband came along. although they've been married for close to 10 years, i only saw him in person for the first time this past sunday. that was during a big family dinner at long beach. my cousin did tell me before that he's really introverted, but i thought he handled the crowd quite well. i had a bit of one-on-one time with him earlier today, as i brought him to the SEA aquarium and the trick eye museum. he's a nice guy, really easygoing. the conversation was a little halting, probably because we were unfamiliar with each other, and probably because we're both more introverted anyway. at the end of the day, he enjoyed himself at the aquarium (or so he said), so mission accomplished. and we both thought the trick eye museum was nice, but not fantastic. it's more for those who are into taking photos. $25 ($20 after passion card discount) is not worth it to me.

as for my cousin, it's her first time back in singapore in 12 years, according to her. that means the last time i saw her in person before last sunday was either sec 4 or J1. doesn't seem that long to me. but looking back, i guess it's accurate. A-levels, army, undergrad, and grad school so far. sounds about right when put into stages of life rather than number of years. thankfully, we live in an age of email (then ICQ, then friendster, then blogger, then facebook), so we still remained relatively connected throughout that time. she was also the one who helped me through the whole saga of 2014. so despite being physically far apart, i'm still closer to her than to some of the other cousins whom i see more regularly. we're due for a proper face-to-face catch up this coming saturday. her husband will be there, though i'm not sure about the partner.

sad/emo/frustrated part
perfect transition! so as you may guess, the relationship has been the main cause for my negative feelings recently. it's 2 issues which i'm facing. before i go further, i'd just like to say i'm not assigning blame onto either party. i will just state the facts. so, we had an argument last saturday. the partner wanted to go to bugis to check out a new phone, and maybe buy it. i think it was a combination of not understanding why they wanted to change phone again, and also the impression of not being told the whole story that caused me to have a negative (over)reaction. that night's dinner was the most uncomfortable dinner we've had by far. tonight's probably ranks a distant second, but i'm getting ahead of myself. to be perfectly honest, i simply do not see why the partner feels the need to change phones so often. of course, it's their money and i have little to no say as to how they spend it. but it simply does not make sense! although they resell the phones that they don't use any more, used stuff will naturally be sold at a loss. so assuming a phone change once per month, and a mark-down of $50, that's $600 lost over the year! and i'd probably understand more readily if all the phones bought and sold were different. but there have been at least 2 samsung S8's in the past year. and my question is, why go back to a phone that you sold because you didn't like? i'm all for splurging a little (even if it is a silly/unnecessary purchase) to reward yourself, goodness knows i do that too. but this is irrational. maybe it's linked to our perspective. i don't know how much money the partner has in the bank, and they won't tell me. fine, no issue. but i've asked whether there's 5 months' salary as backup in case of a rainy day, and apparently there isn't. i'm just thinking to myself that the money spent on phones could be put to better use, like investing or even just saving. but again, it's out of my jurisdiction, so to speak.

so after that disagreement, the partner said that they wanted to be left alone for a while, which is why i only messaged them yesterday. we had dinner today, and as you saw above, it was rather uncomfortable. might be because we had a talk before dinner, where the partner said they felt stifled because i took offense to certain things they said. i think most people will agree they they do not like to be reminded of their shortcomings, or to feel patronized. the latter comes from the "don't bully me" incident in magic. i felt lousy about it because the partner is obviously a better player, due to experience and knowing more about the game and about the cards. so to accuse me of bullying is like...damn. google images doesn't have anything appropriate. the image in my head is of 2 kids at a playground. the bigger/stronger kid is beating up the smaller/weaker kid, while repeatedly chanting "don't bully me!". it would be different if i was in any actual position of power, in which case i'd probably laugh it off and be all "what are you going to do about it?".

and as for other things the partner says that i don't agree with, they tend to be hurtful, like that whole gym thing. again, i will ask - is it so hard to be positive and affirming? i have never made fun of the partner's shortcomings, simply because the thought never even crossed my mind! if i wanted to, i'm sure i could find a few flaws or areas in which the partner doesn't measure up to pick on, and do it in such a way that it hurts the most. but what purpose does that serve? i wonder if the partner secretly feels inferior, and therefore feels the need to put me down to bring me closer to their perceived level of themself. it's an interesting hypothesis, which is sounding increasingly likely to me. i still ask the same question, is it so difficult to mean what you say, say what you mean, and express your feelings? can you believe the partner has never even said "i like you" to me, let alone "i love you"? not even in the privacy of the car, or a hotel room during staycation, or even their own room when i'm over at their place. i get the different love languages thing, but there should be some basic level for each love languange right? i'm not asking for a love song, or pages of poetry and prose. just "i like you". if it's really that difficult, then something is wrong. which i hope you can see is why i wonder whether the partner buying me extravagant gifts that i rarely use (2DS, 3DS, PS vita) is just a way to compensate for the inability and/or refusal to say "i love you".

earlier on, i also told the partner about acceptance vs. tolerance. although they may be used interchangeably sometimes, they actually mean very different things. tolerance has an underlying sense of reluctance, like "i can't find anything better, so i'll settle for this one". i kind of feel that that's the partner's attitude/mentality towards me now. maybe i'm convenient and nice to have around because i have a car, or because i'm someone who can help them run errands and carry their shopping, or because my presence can dispel the loneliness. whatever the reason for the partner having me around, if it's anything other than "i love him", then perhaps we need to reexamine the relationship. i don't want to stand in the way of the partner finding true happiness. if the partner defines true happiness as being with someone with a killer body and gorgeous face who doesn't mind being at the receiving end of barbed comments, then there's clearly a mismatch here.

there's been a persistent issue in the relationship, and that's regarding physical intimacy. *friends and family, you might want to consider stopping your reading here. you have been warned.* physical intimacy can refer to a rather broad range of things. to be blunt, i'm referring to sex. well, not full-on sex, but more than kissing. that should give a decent impression about the range of activities encompassed. the partner has been reluctant to engage in any of that, and the usual line is that they needed more time. first of all, i know that the partner has done stuff with the ex, so there's somewhat of a precedent. it's been a year and 9 months, which i think is a reasonable time for a couple to get intimate. there are no religious concerns, or stuff like saving yourself for marriage, so i was a little confused as to the reason for waiting. i had my hypotheses, and unfortunately the partner confirmed that one of them was right - the one where they didn't find me physically attractive. for reference, other hypotheses included: the partner is doing this to push me towards working out more and becoming more attractive; the partner doesn't feel that that kind of intimacy is essential to or needed in a relationship; (extremely unlikely, but for the sake of completeness) the partner is fulfilling that need with someone else; the partner has an STD that they are reluctant to tell me about; the partner doesn't want to do it at home; the partner can't get over the ex.

learning that raised so many thoughts and questions and scenarios in my head. first of all, i know i'm not the most attractive person, in terms of both looks and figure. i will also admit that the partner is more attractive than i am. so i guess it's understandable for them to want someone closer to their level of physical appearance. my next question is why date me and why even agree to be a couple if they found me unattractive? the partner told me that it was because they were trying to convince themself that my personality and character would override my lack of physical attractiveness. now, i don't quite feel that this is right. my perspective has always been that if you love someone, you love them for who they are. looks and personality don't go on the same balance. i don't know about you, but i'd rather have someone who looks below average and treats me with love and respect (and intimacy), than be in an abusive relationship with a model. unfortunately for the partner, my character is just like that. whether you know me for a month or a year, i don't think i change very dramatically. so i guess if the partner can't convince themself to be attracted to me after so long (1 year 9 months of dating, 2 years 1 month of actually knowing each other), then i don't think there's much more hope. i also told the partner that i would not treat them extra special just to get into their pants. i don't want it to be a transaction. thankfully, i'm not desperate for sex. and sex should never be used as a bargaining chip or a reward, anyway. it's something couples do as a way of showing their love. hookups are different, but that's a topic for another day.

my natural instinct is to look for ways to solve this problem. even after meditating on it for almost 2 weeks, i only see 4 possible outcomes, out of which only 2 are realistic. if you're still reading, i hope you can provide alternative perspectives which i may have missed. first possible solution: wait. i just sit back and let the partner come to terms with it in their own time. while this would be the most ideal solution, there are 2 risks. (1) my patience running out (as it is i'm already close to my limit of waiting. it's almost been a term of NS!), (2) the partner being unable to convince themself. just because i give it time, it doesn't mean that success is guaranteed. for all i know, i could be waiting for 5, 10 years, only for the partner to tell me that they just can't see us in bed together. then not only do i lose out on that end, i lose out on the time wasted while waiting. second solution: the partner suddenly agrees to give things a shot. let me tell you, pigs will probably fly before this. third solution: open relationship. if the partner doesn't want to get physical with me, let's both find other people. while it technically is a possible solution, it isn't a solution to which i'm particularly inclined. call me old-fashioned, but i believe that couples should be monogamous. whatever happens while a person is single is all fine and well, but as a couple, you should be devoted to each other. and even if the partner agrees, i wouldn't go for it because knowing myself, i may not be too good at separating physical and emotional intimacy. falling for a hookup would just complicate matters. plus, i don't believe in sharing, not in this context, at least. last solution: break up. since it is clear that an acceptable compromise can't be reached in an agreeable timeframe, might as well just call the whole thing off. this is definitely a last-resort-type thing, because i don't see how we can be friends after breaking up due to this issue. so, while it is not my preferred solution, i worry that it will soon become the only solution. of course, if i'm being perfectly honest, i will feel that it's a bit "wasted" that we never got to do anything physical. maybe that's just typical guy thinking...i don't know.

at the end of the day, you may ask why i'm making this out to be a big deal. that's because while sex isn't THE thing in a relationship, it still is A thing. i'm still a guy, and i'm still young enough that my sex drive hasn't died yet. biology aside, it is (to me, at least) a way of connecting with your partner on a deeper level (yes, i know the double meaning is there if you look). interesting trivia: denial of sex to a spouse is actually grounds for a divorce. i think the period for it to qualify is 2 years? if so, i'm quite close to the mark already. so it is definitely something important to the development of a relationship. and if the partner doesn't feel attracted to me, how can this work out in the long run? although credit where credit is due, i applaud the partner for holding out for so long. suppose i should applaud myself too, otherwise questions may be raised.

just had a stray thought. maybe the partner isn't the one for me. or maybe i'm not the one for them. i know friends from secondary school who look worse than me (in my opinion, of course) and/or are in worse shape than me, yet they have girlfriends or wives. one of them is even married with a kid! of course, there is a giant difference between them and me, which may account for our different luck in love. as for what that difference is...wait a year and 2 months and i'll tell you.

right. i see my course of action now. and that is to wait until i can wait no longer. i had thought about giving it until the end of the year, but i have a feeling that things will come to a head much sooner than that. maybe as soon as this weekend, even. whatever the case, i will continually remind myself of 2 things in which i believe: (1) this too shall pass, (2) everything happens for a reason. maybe this is to teach me a lesson to love myself more and not be pressured to conform to others' standards of attractiveness.

-random thought of the day: Do I look that bad? ...Maybe don't answer that.-

I am not-insignificantly upset now. but let's talk about that later.

first, there's been a tent-type thing set up at the field opposite my multi-storey carpark. it's been blasting national day songs ever since a few days back, i suppose in an attempt to rouse patriotic sentiments. personally, i can tell you that it's not working on me. call me jaded or cynical or whatnot, but today's singapore isn't the same as the singapore i grew up in. somehow, it seems to me that there is a severe issue within the country. or rather, that there are several issues. part of which lies in the way kids are brought up. for my generation at least, parents were always pushing their kids to be glamorous things like doctors or lawyers. "chor kang" (blue-collar jobs in general) was looked down upon. does this sound familiar "study hard ah, if not you end up as a road sweeper!". yet, these kind of jobs (road sweeper, plumber, electrician) have to be done in a modernized society. and since we were brought up to shun those jobs, in come the foreigners. it's kind of different overseas, like in the UK. there's this blacksmith who posts daily youtube videos where he makes cool stuff out of metal. it's not glamorous, certainly, but it's a living, no? i also remember one of my friends posting on facebook "The son wants thieves, but too bad dad only raised sheep". that's a whole other can of worms which i won't open today. i don't have plans to migrate or anything as of now, but staying in singapore until i die doesn't seem as certain for me as it did for the previous generation.

on to what was making me upset...yesterday, i'd messaged the partner after gym to just share that i was making progress since i didn't feel as bad as on monday. their first response was "that means you're not working hard enough". i attempted to save the situation by saying that maybe it was because i was getting stronger, to which the reply was "or maybe your coach has given up on you". as my readers are neutral parties, tell me. how can you not feel upset when your significant other gives you this kind of response? the great irony is that the partner has been saying that i shouldn't feel the need to hold back on communication. but if this is the reaction i get, i hope you can understand why i'd feel reluctant to bring anything up. just imagine the following conversation:

me (M): hey i passed my thesis defense and will be graduating this july (or december or whatever)!
partner (P): why are you so slow? all your friends submitted half a year (or whatever timeframe) earlier you know?
M: but as you know, i've encountered some difficulties along the way...
P: so? you could have worked twice as hard and graduated sooner right?

if anything even remotely resembling the above conversation comes up, it's an instant breakup. it baffles me, you know? the partner claims to care for me, yet apparently has no regard for my feelings. they even said i was sulking when i didn't carry on the conversation. had it been anyone else, i would have seriously told them to *something* off and die. the fact that i haven't used any profanity on the partner shows how much i'm holding back. all i wanted was a little pick-me-up after finishing at the gym and doing grabhitch. call me whatever you want, but i think that nobody should have to take shit from their partners. the partner says it's a natural thing in their workplace, but i'm not a colleague, am i? i don't see why as the boyfriend, i should be on the same level as colleagues. maybe i should start treating the partner more like a regular friend, who i can curse at and assume that they won't take it to heart. i'm really tired of having my level of care not reciprocated. sure, i don't expect to be driven around or whatever, but at least show some consideration for my feelings, right?

even though we had a little whatsapp conversation addressing this issue as i was writing this post, i still am not 100% over it. i don't know...perhaps our personalities are too different. all i want is someone to be there for me no matter what, and not put me down. i don't think that's too much to ask for, is it? i guess the partner may be right about one thing...i have to reevaluate my priorities.

-random thought of the day: Is it that difficult to say what you mean?-