In 22 years of blogging, i don't think i've often (or ever) written 2 consecutive substantial posts. "consecutive" here meaning like publish post 1, immediately start post 2. but well, first time for everything. i've got maybe 3 hours to do this and make it in time for the final fantasy christmas event before it closes, so hopefully my multitasking skills are up to the challenge.

a lot has happened this year! from being in (what i thought was) a stable, happy relationship and living with my partner to ending the year single and in my own place, i don't think differences get much greater than that. that's why for the first time this year, i thought of having 2 themes - one for the relationship, one for other things that happened. but then i realized, doing so would give disproportional weight to the relationship. and for me to say that i've truly moved past it, i can't have it weighing me down. so, i will stick to my usual practice of one theme a year. several candidates were considered, but most of them were too long and/or didn't get the point across succinctly enough. after a few rounds of consideration, i settled on "metamorphosis" for this year's theme. so many things have changed in my life over the past 365 days, and i'm sure that i've also changed as a person as a result. maybe due to primary school science, i've always associated metamorphosis with the process of a caterpillar becoming a butterfly, which is why the meme below immediately sprung to mind. i doubt that's the exact scene, but i'll always remember the caterpillar saying that line in a german accent.

back to the main point. so much has changed! me from january would never in a million years have guessed the state of me in december. although i've just blogged about it at length, i'll say that the breakup was good, in that it lit a fire under my butt to secure my own place, pronto. if we were still together, i'd probably still be living with him and his dad, and getting a HDB would be a passing thought that i'd occasionally entertain. i think that the way things played out, sucky as they were, ultimately put me in a better life position in general. and now that i've survived it, i can look back and (1) pat myself on the back, and (2) think that it was worth it...though it sure didn't feel that way at the time!

relationship and the associated things aside, i think the next-biggest element of my life this year is work. thankfully, work went well despite the whole relationship fiasco. i have many people to thank for that, but my mentor most of all. one of the seniors (an acquaintance, actually) who she mentored before told me about how one of our leads overheard her scolding him, and transferred him to another mentor! i think that might have influenced her mentorship style, because she was very patient with me. admittedly, she did scold me on a handful of occasions, most notably one time where she caught me not following her instructions to do things a certain way. but i appreciate that everything she does is done with my learning as the priority. i'm also happy to have good colleagues who are easy to talk to, and that most people in my cohort still make the effort to lunch together on in-office days...although that might change next year with the implementation of different in-office days for different divisions. that's for tomorrow's post. side note just to say that my division lead actually texted me personally earlier today to say happy new year. i wonder if he did that for all 30-ish members in the division? he's another one who i feel goes above and beyond in taking care of staff. unfortunately, he's unable to change some company-wide decisions, such as our new promotion criteria. another thing to talk about tomorrow. all in all, i'd say i was successful for work this year. passing probation, hitting my annual target, having a plan for next year as well. all that remains is to see how well i execute/follow it.

one mega exciting thing that happened this year is that i got a house. it's a small little 3-room flat surrounded by neighbours on the left, right, and top, as well as a coffee shop on the bottom. it cost north of $400 000. it has cockroaches running about. but it's mine. not only is it mine, it's close to work, i've done it up in a way that i like, within a reasonable budget, and it's helping me increase my net worth via capital appreciation. as i've mentioned before, it's as if everything came together to ensure that the house purchase, renovation, and move would all be successes. i don't know who i should thank, but if you're the one that's been looking out for me, thank you from the bottom of my heart. in more tangible figures to give thanks to, scary JC friend and ID friend really came through for me. the former, regarding my options when looking at houses, plus financial advice and strategy to set me up for life...as long as i don't become unemployed; the latter, looking out for my interests and not forcing me to sign with his predatory ex-company, arranging all the contractors in quick succession for my renovation, liaising with them on my behalf, filling in any gaps and details that the contractors overlooked, all while juggling a full-time job and his own house renovations as well. it's nothing short of insane, how he pulled it off.

on the personal front, the first 8 months of the year were spent partnered, so no meeting new people then. it's only recently that i'm starting to explore options again. bi guy was the result of one such exploration. you know what? i think i'll just digress to talk about what happened. we'd been talking for about 2-3 weeks, and finally arranged to meet for dinner and maybe more. dinner was at suntec's sushiro, and it was nice. he'd never shown me his face during our chat (a wise move for anyone to keep themself safe online), and i was a bit surprised when i saw him. he looks pleasant, although he has an RBF by his own admission. he's super cute when he smiles, though! i hope my own appearance didn't throw him off too much. might be venturing into TMI territory here, but the "maybe more" was nice too. i think we connected somewhat, and i really really hope there'll be a repeat performance. and here's the worry - that he ends up ghosting me. he was reluctant to give me his phone number, and i don't know how to take that. granted, we contact each other via telegram, so there's not really a need for us to know each other's number in the first place. but it's an added layer of reassurance, you know? the plus side is that he hasn't blocked me. replies are slow though, and that's because he's at work. i will choose to believe that he is the person he portrays himself as to me. but even if my big brother figure's prediction comes true, i'll remind myself about scary JC friend's advice - we have to respect other people's decisions. on the plus side, we both got a good night out of it. the hopeful part of me still wants me to be right, though! we've talked about other things to do, like maybe go on an overseas trip together. hopefully that will come to pass.

2025 taught me a very important lesson. as my tuition friend put it, we are the only constants in our lives. to use an example from the HDB purchase, my aunts were against me getting this flat because of the low floor, coffee shop right below, and a whole other bunch of reasons. but when my second aunt had to rush to sell her tampines place, all of a sudden it was "when will renovations be done?", "when are you moving in?". i do not doubt her concern/care towards me. but the example i cited shows how a person will by far and large, prioritize their own interests. so, i should do the same. food for thought for the next post.

i'm also happy that i got to attend my kids' graduation ceremonies in japan. despite being off JET for more than a year now, i realize that i still feel strongly for japan. the recent antics by the new prime minister make me worry though, that i'll be the victim of anti-foreigner sentiment when i next go back (which could be as soon as next march). thankfully, i'm a ninja gaijin who can speak japanese, so i should be able to blend in. a part of me still longs for the simpler life in japan, where i only had to pay 9700 yen in rent payment, and could afford a small little car. no worrying about staying employed to service a housing loan, meeting tough KPIs at work. good news is similar to japan, i can leave my work at the office. no need to think about cases while i'm off work. i'm reminded again that work-life balance is important to me. and while some people have to choose between work-life balance and taking a pay cut, i'm blessed in that i have work-life balance on a salary that's comfortable for me. would be a different story if i had kids!

summing things up, 2025 was not an easy year. more so on the personal front; the professional aspect was challenging yet doable, and rising to that challenge felt really fulfilling. i feel like i've grown up an awful lot over this year. truly, growth never stops. even a crusty 37-year-old learns new things, just when he thought he couldn't. there's a lot for me to cover in the new year's post, where i'll tell you about some mission statements i want to put into practice for 2026, and set some goals. i might even tell you about my routine, if i have a more solid concept when i start writing the post! as a reminder to myself, something i want to talk about tomorrow is how spite is a great motivator, but it's ultimately unsustainable. look out for it in tomorrow's post!

-random thought of the day: Throwback to the breakup, love yourself more please.-

Plans are useless if they're not followed. i haven't done a very good job of following the plan from the last post, but i covered all the main events save one - the relationship post, which i'll do today. and there's a year-end post to write, too! something tells me i'll be all written out by the end of the day.

i think i'll structure the relationship post into a few sections: chronological recap including my feelings at each point, what i feel went wrong, what i feel i could have done better, lessons i can take away, and maybe about future relationships, depending on how the post flows. let's get started; time is of the essence here.

timeframe-wise, i think the relationship can be broken down into 3 main segments: initial infatuation phase (september 2024 to march/april 2025), cracks appearing phase (april/may to july 2025), cheating and breakup phase (august to september 2025). the name of each part is fairly self-explanatory, i think. everything was going well for the first 6 months or so - we went on dates a few times a week, i stayed over at his place, we met each other's friends, i went on a cruise with him and his dad, and basically moved in with them when work started too. we even went on a trip to japan, just the both of us, where he was affectionate and even held my hand in public! for those 6 months, it felt like i was doing something right - working towards building a life together with him. shame that only one of us felt that way! or maybe he did too, at the start, but later decided that the new guy was more enticing. not going to guess any more.

sometime in april/may (after our japan trip), i noticed a shift in his behaviour. the whole thing about hinge reappearing, him being secretive and not letting me see his phone (let alone check it). i don't know if it was related, but he also stopped running and gymming (or at least decreased the frequency), and began eating more junk food. i attributed it to work stress at that time, and i do think that it was a contributing factor. but at the same time, i wonder if anything else played a part in it. like, maybe the novelty wore off, or he didn't feel adequately supported by me. i do know that i was frustrated because he wasn't considerate towards my need to sleep early, and for a very brief moment, i did consider breaking up over that. but then, i thought that we should work together to solve the problem, and so i decided to talk to him.

whether it was that or for some other reason, that then led to the cheating/breakup. although he initially said that it wasn't anything i did, he later flipped that on its head and said that i didn't know how to support him in the way he wanted, i didn't push him to go exercise and do things that were good for his health, that i didn't initiate physical intimacy enough, etc...which i find to be utter BS excuses. i've told him from the start that i can't read his mind, and if he wants something, he should TELL ME! that's the only foolproof way i can know what he wants. and if he wants physical intimacy, he should feel equally comfortable with initiating it too. i can't speak for straight relationships, but in my mind, when 2 guys are in a relationship, it's even more reason for things to be 50/50. well, apparently i didn't convey that message well enough...although to be fair, with his character, even a huge flashing neon sign right in his face wouldn't have worked.

next: what went wrong? i mean, apart from the obvious lack of communication from his end. i think what his male best friend said was true - we moved too fast. his personality made him ignore all potential stumbling blocks, while i, perceiving what appeared to be green flags all around from his end, also went with it. i'll also admit - there might have been an element of desperation in my desire to get into a relationship, hence progressing so quickly. but the biggest thing that was wrong, in my opinion, was his attitude to the relationship. i still believe that people in a relationship can overcome anything, provided they're on the same page. here, our fundamental starting points were different regarding the cheating - he wanted the new guy at all costs, to the point where he'd drop me if push came to shove; whereas i wanted to try and salvage the relationship, even if it meant dating another person. see? fundamentally different desired end-results which happened to not be compatible with each other in this case, especially because the new guy didn't want to have anything to do with me.

so, what could i have done better? oh, so much. i don't mean during the relationship, since while i'm not perfect, i think i did most of what a boyfriend/partner could reasonably do, even going above and beyond in some areas. i bought him a sodastream machine when he told me he liked carbonated drinks, for crying out loud! no, what i feel i could have done better, in a nutshell, was handle the cheating with more finesse. not that i'm blaming myself since it's my first (and hopefully only) time meeting this scenario, but i feel a sense of regret and mild anger at myself when i recall how weak i was in the midst of it. present me wants to go back in time to slap past me out of it and tell him that in just 4 months, life will do a complete 180. but i also know to be kind to myself, that only by going through it and coming out on the other side would i learn this lesson well. if i should get cheated upon again, i know to just drop the guy and run. this time, it's going to be easier because i'm no longer in a position of weakness. like, i don't have to depend on others for a place to stay, for spending money, or any other life needs. not to say that it won't suck and/or hurt, but i know that i can handle it now.

lessons to take away. kind of overlapping with the idea of the last paragraph, to know when to run. i should also not tie my self-worth to other peoples' perception/treatment of me - way easier said than done! another big lesson to learn is to take things slow(er). occasional overnight stays are fine even in the early stages of a relationship, but cohabiting with someone is a whole different ball game. it ties the both of you together very closely. too closely, during the beginning stages of a relationship. on a related note, i realize that i became somewhat paranoid towards the end. like, i'd always wonder if the two of them were texting, what they had planned, etc. not good for the mental state! i should remember to trust my future partner until given reason not to.

one thought, about relationships in general. what's the purpose of getting into a relationship, anyway? some people like jedi master want to start a family, hence his two adopted sons. but what if i don't want a family? after meeting with bi guy (that'll be for another post, probably), i kind of wonder if it would be so bad to just have casual relationships/interactions with no serious intention to settle down. it goes against everything culturally/traditionally acceptable, but since when was being gay traditionally acceptable in singapore? the downside if i went this way would be that i wouldn't have any people to rely on when i'm older. i mean, the usual friends and relatives will be there if they're still alive, but there wouldn't be anyone to provide a deeper level of care...like, take care of me if i became bedridden or stuff like that. granted, that's not promised even to people who do have a family, so whatever. more importantly, i should make sure that i make enough money while i'm able, to support myself in the future.

anyway, i think i'm over this particular relationship. the last things i did to put a firm end to the relationship in my mind were to delete our telegram chat (thank goodness the app allows you to delete chats for both parties!), and to tear out/throw away all the entries in the relationship journal, which i will repurpose as a notebook for a potential stream idea that i have. it feels quite odd - to think we were head over heels in love this time last year, and look at where we are now. i literally haven't spoken to or seen him since move-out day, so...coming to 4 months. i have no idea if he's still together with the teacher (have i mentioned that the third party is an MOE teacher?), and while i kind of want to know for kaypoh reasons, whether they're still together or not doesn't affect my daily life. as his dad said, just take it as a learning experience and move on. i suppose, in a way, breaking up has its benefits. i wouldn't have met bi guy otherwise! now, time to start on the year-end post. stay tuned!

-random thought of the day: Busy busy!-

Summing up the past few days, "whirlwind of activity" seems about right. had the big move on the 24th, as you'll already know. cleaning was scheduled for the 25th, and i spent most of the day at the new place before going over to my aunt's place for a light dinner with my nephew and niece, who were there too. my aunt passed me a while bunch of stuff to take back - thank goodness i still had the car! christmas night was also my last night in marine parade. i am extremely grateful that events lined up to make it possible for me to seek refuge there for the past 4 months. it was by no means hard to live there, and it was the best possible alternative at that time (other choices were moving back to sengkang, renting a place, or begging friends for favours to crash at theirs). i should state again i'm grateful that i had the luxury of my own space...albeit alongside bright lights from outside, vehicle noise, horns blaring (it's next to a main road and quite near a major traffic junction), slow lift, my aunt coming in to do all sorts of home improvement projects (and moving my stuff about). but now, i can call this place 100% my own.

there was a bunch of deliveries scheduled for the 26th, and all of them made it on time. had to do some karen-ing with aftershock (for my computer), though. i realize that i get extremely triggered when deliveries of things that i'm looking forward to having and/or need urgently are delayed, and there's no advance notice from the company. but that feeling is actually normal, right? please tell me it's normal. my reasoning that it's the company's duty, having accepted payment for their product/service, to deliver it according to our mutually agreed-upon terms. and if they cannot do so for whatever reason, they should at least have the courtesy to inform the customer well in advance, and not react to the customer's reminders.

on the topic of lousy customer service, let me tell you about myrepublic. you may recall that i signed an internet plan with them, and also made arrangements to port my main phone number over. the internet setup appointment was supposed to be from 4-6pm. the guy called me at 5:30, saying that he could only reach at 6:30. he ended up reaching just before 6. apparently, he prioritized my appointment after i asked him what the purpose of giving me an appointment was if they couldn't meet the prearranged timing. thankfully that setup went well, only thing i had to do was split my 2.4GHz and 5GHz channels up. i realize that having used my mobile hotspot for so long, having fibre internet is amazing. the speed is just...wow. like, i uploaded my most recent final fantasy character configuration files to google drive in preparation to install it on the new computer...~200mb took like 30 seconds? and that's on wi-fi; i can't wait to see how fast wired speeds will be.

back to myrepublic. i also signed up for their $6 plan with the intention of porting my number over. the SIM card activation failed. when i called the customer service line for the fibre installation status, it was one of those "for english, press 1; for mobile, press 1" type of deals. there was no option to speak to a human. instead, no matter what option i tried, all they did was send me a link to their live chat service. worse, they don't work on saturdays, so i got a generic "please call back during office hours" message when i called about SIM card activation. for essential services like telecoms, i don't think it's acceptable to not have 24/7 support available. anyway, i'm fed up by them, and once my fibre contract expires in 2 years, i'll give eight a try. as for my phone line, i've already put in an order with eight, and my SIM card should be delivered within the coming week. that should go more smoothly...hopefully. i suppose it's good as well, last i checked, i still have close to $200 in credits with them. using those would mean i'm tapping on money that's already locked into their system, ie. no additional expenditure now. hopefully, eight will do their extra credit with top-up promotion again soon. that would also help me save a bit in the long-term.

which leads us to now. i've spent 2 nights here so far, and it's been fine. some ambient noises still (engines revving, audio cues when trucks are reversing, kids screaming), but it's definitely lower in magnitude than in marine parade. the neighbours are all super friendly, and it helps that the flat next to me houses the people working at the kopitiam below. they wave/say hi when i go to get food, or even when i'm passing by the kopitiam on the way out. i like it! the downsides here are insignificant at this point...basically teething problems that come with a new place. things like the perpetual layer of dust that never seems to reduce despite me mopping and vacuuming, trying to figure out what goes where, thinking "oh, i should really get <whatever item>" and forgetting about it, not to mention the huge project of unpacking and finding a place for everything. but i'm happy. as i was telling my big brother figure, who came by to visit yesterday, it feels like my life is heading back on the "right" trajectory. not to say that JET was wrong, exactly...but the fact is that it put my life progression in singapore on hold.

my big brother figure came to visit! he's the first of my friends who's not scary JC friend or ID friend to see the place. he says the layout is good, my work desk has good feng shui, and he likes the place overall. he also brought me a 24-pack of coke as a symbolic/auspicious gift - something red, sweet, and lucky, according to him. i appreciated the thoughtfulness! although considering that i don't drink coke at all, i should have more people over to help me finish it up! the expiry date's like a year away, so that shouldn't be a problem. i also told him about bi guy and our upcoming dinner. he's taking a more cautious stance about the whole thing. bi guys really do have a bad rep in the community, huh? in my mind, i'd like to have him as a friend, maybe a bit more. whether we date or not is something for our future selves to determine. but my big brother figure tells me not to take it to heart if i get ghosted. i'm hoping that that won't happen...but you never know. i also told him that i was trying to project a positive/confident image. sorry if this next bit sounds cocky, but for lack of a better way to phrase it, i'm trying to think/believe that people should be happy/interested to talk to me. does that make sense? i mean, (i'd like to think that) i've lived a slightly more interesting life than the average singaporean, with 2 experiences (higher education and overseas experience) that not many people have when you look at the population as a whole. but i also don't want to come across as arrogant or condescending. well...i'm just going to go into the meeting and see what happens. based on our conversation, i have faith that odds are better than the 20% my big brother figure estimates.

things with bi guy appear to be going well...i asked if we could move our chat to more conventional platforms, and he agreed. that feels like a step in the right direction to me, at least. one interesting thing i noticed is that unlike both my exes, bi guy is fine with eating raw food, and has a driver's license. gives me hope that things will be different this time. i mean, it will, since our understanding is that this is not a relationship. but you get what i mean.

returned the car to my friend today after sending it for a wash and topping up the petrol to full. cost $70 for half a tank! insane. i'll probably never own a car in singapore again, unless i have a windfall or somehow manage to save more/spend less in future. and true to the car wash curse, it drizzled as i was on the way to the airport. worse, a bird decided that the car body looked like a good toilet. i even took care not to park below trees! well, at least my friend is very accepting that this kind of thing happens. he sent me back, and we had lunch with his son at the kopitiam downstairs. every interaction with young kids reminds me why i don't want kids of my own. his son was relatively well-behaved, but still below my personal standard of what "well-behaved" should look like. that doesn't reflect on my friend's parenting, by the way. just kids being kids. at least he (the son) was a bit more social this time, engaging me in conversation. kind of shallow/meaningless conversation, but that's to be expected from someone his age. hopefully i'll be around to watch him grow up, then i can remind him about the time he came over when he was 2 years old. wonder if he'll remember today?

it's already year-end! although i know on a rational/logical level that christmas has passed, it still feels like i'm in a limbo of 2X december. to give myself some motivation to prioritize and get the most important things done first.

29 dec (monday) - in-office day. hopefully complete my last outstanding case for this year. sign up for the gym membership. unpack more (target: kitchenware). set up desktop and monitors, test to make sure they work. maybe do the FF christmas event and/or write the relationship post.

30 dec (tuesday) - in-office day. get display hub to test laptop connection. dinner and probably more with bi guy.

31 dec (wednesday) - taking a day off. gate installation, hopefully bedframe delivery. write year-end post.

1 jan (thursday) - public holiday. write new year's post, do more unpacking (target: cleaning supplies, clear living room)

2 jan (friday) - work from home day. maybe submit a new case, maybe not.

3 jan (saturday) - alumni gathering, then tuition. figure out how to get back home (HOME!!!) with public transport.

those are the main things i guess...i should have bought display port cables sooner. well, i guess i'll see if shopee can give me a miracle, or if i have no choice but to be extorted by challenger. anyway, it's not super urgent, i can do it within the next week-ish. for now, a shred of doubt (ok, more than a shred) is starting to creep in. what if bi guy really ghosts me? if things go pear-shaped, i would hope he's at least nice/honest enough to be upfront with me. you know what, i think i need to come to a resolution. it's linked to the new year's post and my tagline/mission statement for next year, so i won't spoil it here. but the basic idea is if the thing with bi guy doesn't work out, i'm not going to look for that kind of deep human connection online. and i'm going to be more upfront with people, that i don't fit the typical singapore gay standard. but that's for future me to navigate. present me has to navigate the meeting with bi guy first.

-random thought of the day: Get it together!-

Not feeling particularly festive this holiday season, to the point that today was christmas eve completely escaped me until my aunt mentioned it. guess this feeling is due in part to tomorrow being what would have been my late uncle's 75th birthday, and also in part because some small monkey wrenches have been popping up in the whole renovation/moving/new house process. but as scary JC friend reminded me, they're all for less- or non-important things, so i need to put things into perspective.

flooring went up yesterday, and what a huge difference it made to the whole vibe of the house! it actually looks habitable now. there was one spot where an installer did a not-so-good job, so ID friend is arranging for them to come down to rectify it. i'm really pleased with how the walls and floor come together. it's got a cosy vibe that still looks bright. plus, because i ordered tri-colour LED lights, i can change the mood of a room by choosing a different lighting temperature! i guess i'll play around with that when everything's done and dusted.

many things were supposed to happen today, and most of them did. cleaning was postponed to tomorrow because ID friend said that the electricians would generate a lot of dust as they worked, and it would be a waste of effort for the cleaners to come by today. while i understood his point, i was also a little taken by surprise, because the plan was to have them clean the common room so that i could move my stuff into a clean space. my aunt ended up mopping the floor and trying to clean the dust off the windows, but they were hopelessly dusty. scary JC friend, who was there to house-sit while i was occupied with moving, observed that my aunt was very much a doer, and appeared more anxious about the move than i was. considering that she's only met my aunt twice, it shows how perceptive she is. but also to be fair, it's not like those are super hidden traits of my aunt.

the move itself went ok, we took from 10:30am to 2:00pm...almost an hour longer than my prediction. my stuff basically filled up one lorry. when we got to ubi, it filled up like 35-40% of the common room?  and imagine - this is AFTER i'd thrown so much stuff away! no regrets; in fact, i was feeling thankful that i'd thrown so much stuff out. another thing to be thankful for is that my aunt and her contact both took time to come and help out. without them, it wouldn't have gone so smoothly. if i had to guess, moving my things from sengkang alone would have taken 3 to 4 trips if i only had the car.

things that didn't go so well mainly involved the things i bought myself, such as the laundry rack and bed frame. both told me that there were logistics issues and their supply was delayed. normally i'd be understanding, considering it's the end of the year and all...but i placed the orders a month in advance precisely to avoid this scenario! the fact that they cannot deliver with so much lead time shows that they're incompetent. i'm asking the laundry rack people for a refund, and pushing the bed frame people every day. this is one scenario where i have to pick my battles. getting a new laundry rack can be done easily (shopee offers next-day delivery), but getting a new bed frame requires a lead time of about 2 to 4 weeks. so i will suck it up for now, and give them a scathing review once they deliver.

had a semi-philosophical discussion with scary JC friend today as i was driving her to her next destination. i gave her the condensed version of the first and fourth aunt situation, and kind of told her about my frustration(?) helplessness(?) that my aunt wouldn't cut contact for her own health. scary JC friend then told me that a big lesson she learnt this year is that you have to respect decisions that others make, even though it is apparent to you that those decisions are to their own detriment. it kind of echoes what i said a few posts back, about how i couldn't control my aunt's decisions, but that i could be there to support her.

applying that lesson to other areas of my life, if bi guy chooses to cut contact with me, i should respect his decision. i don't have a sensing of how likely that might happen, though. one thing he said earlier tonight that really impressed me was that he didn't ask for details about my place because he wanted to be surprised without any expectation when he came over. for context, this was after i told him not to expect too much because everything is messy and would still be messy if i had him over in the near future. he seems like a good guy...but goodness knows i've said that and been wrong about other people before! scary JC friend told me to be very clear about what we want from each other, what we could offer each other, and whether what each of us had to offer met the other's needs. i think it's a good way to look at human interactions. i think one thing i'm also trying to practise is to not try to guess what he wants. like, i actually asked him what he'd like for a christmas present. maybe it's not "traditional", but i think it helps avoid misunderstandings. he also said that he prefers openness and honesty, so that's another positive sign. well...let's just be normal people. i realize that i don't want to put in too much effort to make an overly positive first impression, because it's not sustainable and may lead to the other party getting the wrong impression.

in the near-ish future, i have to be at ubi tomorrow for the cleaning crew. need to bring the keys to the window grilles, so they can get into all the hard-to-reach areas. not sure if i should start unpacking yet...guess i'll see how i feel. also need to move whatever i have left in marine parade over. moving and storing the monitor concerns me, but i figure i'll find a way. there'll be a lot of stuff going on on friday, and i should be at ubi full-time from then. will be a fun challenge to adjust to a new routine!

-random thought of the day: Bring EVERYTHING over!-

Had quite a busy weekend (and monday). as at least 2 significant things happened on each of the past 3 days (today included), my head is starting to feel overstuffed with information. so i figure i'd better empty it a bit so that i can absorb new information and make better decisions without my mind being fogged by excess and possibly outdated info.

saturday was the usual alumni gathering, and i went down to ubi after that to speak to the electricians. seems like because i don't have false walls and didn't drill into the existing walls for concealed power points, they need not just switches, but outlet boxes for my power points. somehow, none of us thought of that - not even the professionals! so power outlet installation and some other small electrical tasks have been pushed to the 24th, which is also the day of the big move. a lot's happening that day - i'll talk about it in more detail later. after leaving ubi, i went to the best denki warehouse sale at tai seng, where i picked up a brand new bosch washing machine and a display unit LG(?) fridge for about $2400, including extended warranties for both. went kind of over budget, but i'll take the extra paid as buying some peace of mind. i realize both appliances are the opposite of what i would have taken from tampines - front loader vs top loader washing machine, and bottom freezer vs. top freezer fridge. paying more for peace of mind and getting what i prefer...i guess i can justify the extra expense.

for sunday, i had a brainwave to visit ikea to check out storage solutions. not 100% sure yet, but i'm currently thinking of a rack to put beside the washing machine, for detergent and other washing-related stuff. additionally, i want some drawers to go underneath the computer table, for stationery and other assorted odds and ends. i'm quite sold on a white metal set of drawers, though i'll probably get 2 units for more storage space. after that, i went for the JET 忘年会, which was held at a japanese buffet restaurant in UE square this time. i'm surprised that some of the alumni (not from my cohort) remembered me from last year's party! no, i didn't get drunk and leave an impression. i also met one newly-returned alumnus from my cohort, who (i think) is the only one of us to have completed the full 5 years. she seems to be settling back in well, and has already been working for a few months. if only i was able to find a job that fast last year!

in a stroke of amazing planning, i allowed buffer time of about 90 minutes between ikea and the 忘年会. the reason was so that i could park the car at UE square (per-entry parking FTW), then walk to a branch of the cookie museum to get something for my mentor. the walk was about 30 minutes each way, and i got to see how the various landmarks were linked by road. not being someone who goes to town often, it was a new experience for me. sadly, i got bitten by mosquitoes as i was walking along the border of fort canning park. still trying to figure out what makes me an attractive target to them. at the cookie museum (went to the raffles city branch since it was a shorter walk away), i was served by a pleasant russian girl who recommended i get a tin of lychee rose cookies. her service manner was a little unpolished, but overall above average. interacting with her gave me an excuse to use the only russian word i know, which is pronounced in between "spasibo" and "spasiba", and means "thank you". i only know this word thanks to russian postdoc, and it made me think of her. she's had a tough year, and i hope she's ok.

that brings us to today, where my mentor returned me my last 2 cases of the year. unexpectedly, she left a comment praising me for finding good prior art documents! it hasn't happened often - maybe 3-4 times maximum in 8 months of mentorship. i didn't feel very confident about these 2 cases, but the comments weren't bad; just some minor tweaks. i guess it was also because of the way i wrote the report, where i erred on the side of caution and included slightly too many arguments. that way, any amendments would more likely involve me just having to delete something as opposed to writing a new argument from scratch. we managed to clear one case, and i will send the second case in for her final check tomorrow. i expect that it should clear, or have some minor-er revisions at most. towards the end of the day, i gave my mentor the cookies, and i think she was pleasantly surprised. it also occurred to me then that these 2 cases would be the last 2 that i submit to her, because (1) i hit my target for the year(!), and (2) i'm due to exit mentorship and have my work checked directly by my group lead starting from next year. it both excites and scares me, but that's something i can unpack in another post.

after work, i went to check out nearby gyms. i realize that i am the kind of person who cannot be given excuses to avoid things i don't like, because goodness knows i'll take advantage of them. although the idealistic part of me thinks that i'll be motivated to take a bus to the nearest activesg gym, realistic me says that the excuse of "too far!" will win out. so, my current plan is to find a gym closer to work (there are no gyms close to home). and thank my lucky stars that there are 3 gyms within walking distance! i know about virgin active and fitness first already, and it seems that they're too commercialized (and not to mention, expensive). so today, my focus was on 24X fitness. it seems to tick most/all of my boxes - good variety of equipment, not too crowded in the mornings (according to the staff there), open 24 hours, walking distance from the office. in my ideal world, i would cycle from home to office, reaching at about 7:15am. go up to the gym and work out for maybe an hour plus, shower, and go to the office by 9-ish am. the downside of this gym compared to the more premium brands is that they don't provide workout attire or socks. but honestly speaking, that's a luxury. besides, i need excuses to use the exercise attire i have! ok, pause to take stock. the gym plan is actually still quite half-baked, and this is the idealized version. who knows if i'll be able to wake up in the mornings? the other alternative is going to the gym after work, which makes a bit more sense since i can just cycle home in my sweaty gym clothes. that's for future me to sort out. as a reminder, i should probably decide if i'm really going to go through with it by tomorrow, and join if i am. reason is, my company subsidizes $100 of fitness-related expenses (with some conditions) every year. i haven't touched that amount yet this year, and i lose it if i don't use it. so might as well, right?

flooring installation is going on tomorrow in ubi, and as i was telling ID friend, i think that will make the flat look more like a home. wednesday is a big day, with so many things happening all at once. cleaning, electrician, big move, possibly needing to receive some deliveries. don't think much will happen on thursday, since it's christmas. maybe i might go to ikea to get the storage things. thursday will also be my last night in marine parade as the mattress is going to be delivered on friday. i think i can still come back over the next few days to take anything i forgot since my aunts won't be moving back in immediately. more deliveries and installations on friday, fridge and washing machine coming on saturday afternoon, and i'll slowly start living in ubi from there. i'm actually tempted to just take next monday and tuesday off for an extended break, but i figure i'll just go to the office and get a head start on cases to submit next year - maybe even request a few more to start on first. the promotion goal isn't going to be easy to hit, and i'll need every advantage i can get.

bi guy and i are tentatively scheduled to meet on the 30th. i'm apprehensive, because i know that there's a non-zero chance of being ghosted after the meeting. although so far he's been engaged and engaging in our conversation, things might change after meeting in person. for now, i'll choose to think the best of him. at the same time, i should also mentally prepare for the eventuality that he loses interest. well, let's cross that bridge only when we get there.

-random thought of the day: So distracted recently.-

Checked the fridge and washing machine out at tampines today. long story short, i won't be taking either of them. the seal on the fridge door was mouldy in one area, plus there was water forming in the freezer. i figure i'm better off spending a bit more to get something that i like. that's been the theme for this house purchase and renovation. so, looks like it's back to harvey norman. i actually saw a model that i kind of want to try, where the freezer is on the bottom. i figure that makes more ergonomic sense, since i tend to open the fridge more anyway. as for washing machine, i'm given to understand that a front-loader is better, so i'll look in that direction.

my aunt came to pick me up on the way when sending my first aunt back from her hospital appointment. now, i'm no psychologist, but just from the short 20-minute car ride, i was able to see that my first aunt is not all there mentally. she was talking about people from long ago, then switched topics to japan and china where she said "taiwan belongs to china". cue my internal screaming. but well, that's her opinion. plus, there was the learned helplessness thing. the clearest example would be when we took the lift up to the tampines flat. i'd pressed the "4" button in the lift, because my aunt told me the address before, and i told her that i'd already pressed it when she asked me to. my first aunt then interjected with "i don't even know what floor i'm living on now". and to me, that was a major red flag. like...your address is the most basic thing that you should know. even if nobody tells you, you should be able to get clues from your environment. the lift button that's pressed, the flat number, actually asking...something! she also asked my third aunt to sell her old wheelchairs for her. this one i can sort of understand, because she's semi-disabled and all that. but still, her default strategy of asking others to do things for her, ie. her dependence on others (and being a choosing beggar in spite of that) just gave me an ick.

when we were driving to the ubi place after dropping my first aunt off (my aunt wanted to see the progress of renovations and measure some spaces for the shelves she's giving me), i tried to convey to my aunt that continuing to look after my first aunt like that wasn't/isn't feasible. i even pulled out the "you can't keep people warm by setting yourself on fire" quote. she appreciated it, but i don't know whether she'll put it into practice. as expected, she feels that she owes my first aunt a debt of gratitude, which she says can never be fully repaid. personally, i disagree, but i'm not my aunt. i also tried suggesting to my aunt to maintain boundaries, like only contacting my first aunt for hospital appointments, and enforcing a once per month maximum contact frequency...but i don't know if my aunt will take my suggestions. thankfully, i'm not heavily invested in this drama, so i can do the "not my monkeys, not my circus" thing. having said that, because i in turn owe my aunt a debt of gratitude, i will be there to support her if she needs a listening ear or a helping hand. i really hope that i don't become like my first aunt when i'm that age.

time is passing, and the big move should be over and done with by this time next week. i still kind of want time to pass faster, though. to help that along, i'm trying to associate each day with a significant event, to have something to look forward to. tomorrow's event is sending my friend to the airport, friday's is submitting my last case this year, saturday's is alumni gathering plus electrical installations, sunday's is getting the fridge and washing machine. not sure what i have for next monday and tuesday, but i'll find something. they're in-office days anyway, which should help the time pass faster. then, big move on wednesday, last night in marine parade on thursday, and setup begins in earnest in ubi on friday. in between all this, i still need to find a time to meet the bi guy (also depending on his schedule).

which brings me to my next point...i'm nervous about it! it's the usual hang-up about physical appearance and the whole 'what if he doesn't find me attractive?' thing. i honestly think that i've been poisoned by uh...NSFW things online, where the people who post themselves are usually conventionally attractive - nice face (if they show it), slim, fit, etc. yes, i know that physical appearance is only one aspect/facet of an overall person, not to mention that different people have different types. and as SRC has said before, the fact that i've managed to form meaningful interactions with people means that i'm ok in the social aspect. plus, jedi master thinks i'm handsome, so that's going for me too! should probably remind myself that i'm not in it to get a date or a partner, so i shouldn't treat the meetup as a date. i think if all goes well, the likely scenario is that we'll end up as friends with potential for more. i did wonder though, why is someone as attractive and seemingly nice as him still not taken yet? maybe the crazy is still being masked, or he has high requirements for a future partner. but yes, bottom line is to have reasonable expectations. be brave!

-random thought of the day: 8 more sleeps in this flat!-

While i'm not feeling things as intensely as on saturday, i'm still riding that wave of happiness and fulfillment...though it's gotten a fair bit smaller. the first coat of paint went up on monday, and for some reason, that felt extremely significant. more so than hacking and rebuilding the wall, rewiring, retiling the toilet, even. it's illogical, considering that painting is like relatively small compared to the other things i mentioned. i guess it's because painting is done closer to the end, and that it's a very obvious change makes it appear more significant. but yes, it just gave me a jolt of 'this is happening soon', which both terrifies and excites me. 15% terrifies, 85% excites, or somewhere there.

my wave got boosted by an unsolicited compliment from my mentor. i'd asked her a question about a new case, and we had a call to discuss it. as we were trailing off with the usual call-end things (eg. summing up key points, briefly updating about my numbers), she suddenly went, "i have something to say", which gave me a little start. she then told me that she saw that my writing had improved especially over the past 2 cases, and she thought that i was on track to progress to more independent work. it made my day! apart from management who decided to hire me, my mentor's probably the most pivotal figure to get me to where i am today. granted, i'm not say very high up the totem pole (yet), but at least i cleared probation comfortably and am set to clear the year-end goal too. i really appreciate that she doesn't make things personal - if i do a lousy job, she scolds me for my work without devaluing me as a person. should get her something for christmas. i'd thought of baking, but i don't think i can settle down into the new place in time before she goes on year-end leave too. well, i'll buy something for now, and maybe do a larger-scale baking project next year.

things with the bi guy are ok...we're just talking as friends for now with the conversation taking an occasional flirty twist. i realize that at this point, i'm not in the best headspace for dating. what went down earlier this year added on to my preexisting insecurities, and my attachment style for a romantic partner is firmly in the 'anxious' region now. contrast this with my attachment style for friends, which i'd describe as comfortably 'secure'. like, i don't panic if i don't contact my friends for a while, because i know that they'll be there for me if and when i reach out. whereas for a (potential) romantic partner, i get all possessive and worried that they'll find someone better, more attractive, whatever. might want to look into therapy for that. anyway, we're due to meet up soon, depending on his work schedule. i have a fair amount of uncertainty/insecurity about it, but i figure what do i have to lose? the best case is i gain another friend, worst case is he ghosts me and my life goes back to how it was before talking to him. don't get me wrong, it will hurt if he does end up cutting me off, but i know that i am capable of recovering and bouncing back. let's not jinx things for now, eh?

8 more days to the big move, 10 more days until i'm all settled in (ideally). going to tampines with my aunt tomorrow to check out the fridge and washing machine. due to my second aunt needing the washing machine, i'm tempted to just leave the existing one at tampines and get a new one. we'll see how it goes. then, sending my friend to the airport late on thursday night (and taking over the car). i'll submit one more case by friday, which will definitely push me over the KPI target. i'll probably go down to the new place on saturday, because that's when they're installing the electrical points and switches. there's one thing which i haven't mentioned to the electrician yet, about the layout of some switches and add-ons. should be a reasonably easy thing to do. as ID friend says, "anything is possible as long as you pay". let's hope the additions won't cost too much!

-random thought of the day: Thought of next year's mission statement!-

Ruffled feathers have been (more or less) smoothed back into place, and my latest affliction is an overflowing heart. today went AMAZING, from the alumni gathering, to tuition, and to now, where i'm in my favourite setting of being warm at home while rain pours down outside. i wish i could bottle how i'm feeling right now, as a salve for making horrible days better. it feels like...how do i put it into words? like life is good, like i matter, like i'm loved, and like things are going my way. if i had to guess what harry potter felt like after drinking the luck potion, how i felt (and still feel) today would be my best guess.

starting with the alumni gathering, someone mentioned something just as i arrived, and i played a joke off of that. it cracked up the entire table, including my mentor figure. i'm super proud because it's literally the first time in around 18 years of knowing him that i've made him laugh so uproariously. the laughter continued as scary JC friend and a few others played off of each other (sometimes at mentor figure's expense - he's ok with it), and i just had a better than usual time overall. we're talking more about our japan trip, and one of the old boys suggested amanohashidate, which i want to look into. even if not this time, i think i want to visit it someday. i also gave scary JC friend the heavy guinness bottle opener (apparently she's never seen it before - then how did i get it if not from/with her?) and the harry potter merchandise (from USJ, literally 10 years ago). i'm convinced that i'd actually gotten the merch for her at that time when i went to japan with some judo friends, but literally never passed it to her until today. she was really happy to receive them, and seeing her happy made me happy (well, happier) too.

tuition today was the last session of the year, meaning that my next 2 saturdays are free for house-y stuff if needed. i'll also have the car (most likely), so that will definitely help me get things done. i'm quite happy to have this bunch of kids. no discipline problems, decently smart, hardworking. with luck they'll continue to be this way into sec 3 and sec 4. my friend told me that i might have a new sec 3 IP chemistry class, so we'll see about that. as much as it eats into my time, it makes more practical sense. like, since i'm already going down there, might as well stay longer and make a bit more money. it seems that the timeslot of the new class will be after my current one, so my morning is still free for the alumni gathering. my friend is thinking of asking me to take a sec 2 class in the morning, but odds are i will turn it down if it materializes. i realize that while i could earn more money by taking the class, i treasure the opportunity to meet the alumni (including scary JC friend) more than the additional $100-ish. besides, with chasing the promotion goal meaning the possibility of working even on sundays, i'd better take any/every chance i get to unwind.

probably due to everything that'd happened, i was in a really good mood during the commute home - to the extent of bouncing along to the music from my earphones! doesn't happen often, that. but i'm grateful it happens at all. i realize that how i feel today (9/10 mood) is closer to my japan baseline (6.5-7.0/10) than my singapore one (4.0-5.0/10). need to figure out what i can do to bring the singapore baseline up. i'll look properly into that next year, after the current stressors are gone. reminder to future self: days like this can't be forced. just enjoy them as a special treat when they happen. don't try too hard to replicate the events of a successful day either, because it doesn't usually play out the way you want it to. after all, you didn't do anything extra to get this special day today, right? makes me wonder if there's like a hidden sequence of events that unlocks the "amazing day" powerup, and that sequence changes every day. like you get an amazing day if you eat a banana at 8:30:25.481 a.m. then brush your teeth with chili vodka for exactly 5.4345 minutes - but only for today.

since less than 24 hours have passed since my last post, you'd probably guess nothing much changed on the timeline. and you're right, except for installing toilet fixtures. didn't realize that was today until i asked ID friend. there were a few hiccups there, but nothing devastating. biggest thing that didn't go according to plan was the common toilet door, which they fabricated in the wrong size. measurement error somewhere, i guess. well, they did all the measurements and stuff themselves, so they'll have to rectify the problem. on my part, i realized one more thing i can do is to plan my exit from marine parade. i was tempted to put another timeline up, but i think i might confuse myself! actually there isn't much else. most of the stuff is packed, with only my daily-use things lying about. i'll need to finish my food in the fridge, and use a $3 location-limited voucher at the NTUC in parkway. i know i still have some clothes and accessories in the cabinets, which i should move into a box or the suitcase. i'll also have to work out the last possible date/time i can do laundry...kind of like preparing to leave the UK all over again. so, i should be somewhat experienced!

to top off an awesome day, the bi guy just messaged. we've been talking every day since...monday? tuesday? mostly SFW topics, but a couple of flirty/NSFW ones too. i was going to save this next thing for the big relationship post, but i kind of think it's relevant here since i'm talking about the bi guy. it's not exactly politically correct, but please listen for the idea rather than the words used. so here's the thing. both of my exes (and to a lesser extent GD, now that i think about it more) have been more on the "softer" side. other synonyms that work to varying degrees include "camp", "femme/effeminate", "metrosexual", "sissy" (i don't like this one so much). the problem is that such guys tend to have princess syndrome. and knowing my character, it means that i end up accommodating/enabling it, which leads to imbalance in the relationship. i noticed this especially with this most recent ex. the things i did to take care of him were actually a green light to him, telling him that he could get dependent on me and stop pulling his own weight in the relationship, ie. build a sense of entitlement. and don't get me started on how i'd drive down to pick the first ex up for dates...although he offered to meet me at the location directly. in my mind, it was like "i want you to be comfortable, plus we get to spend more time together". don't know if there's a right or wrong here. probably depends on how the gesture was received.

i know not every gay guy might think the same way i do, but i just want to date a guy first and foremost, and that the guy just also happens to be into guys. does that make sense? put another way, i don't want to have the traditional gender roles and expectations of a straight relationship superimposed on my relationship with another guy. there are some gay influencer couples from china/taiwan, where one partner is referred to as 老公 and the other as 老婆 ("husband" and "wife" respectively). if it works for them, that's great, but it's not for me. based on the bi guy's texting patterns (language used and topics we talk about, mainly), he seems to be a "regular" guy who's into guys (and girls, but minor detail). so, it gives me hope that such guys still exist. in my ideal world, he'd be my partner (after an appropriately-paced dating period), but you know...carts and horses.

having said that, i also need a reality check to remind myself that he may not be into me physically. while our conversation has been great so far, i've both heard stories and had personal experience of people being super enthusiastic over text, then just ghosting after a meet-up. i would like to think that this guy is better than that, but you never know. one more reality check i need is that even if he's into me, he may not want to date/get into a relationship with me. and i have no right to demand anything like that from him. i need to be very clear with myself about what level of distance i can and cannot accept. it's the rose-tinted glasses talking for sure, but i think that we should be able to be friends at the minimum.

13 more days until starting to live in my own place, assuming everything goes according to plan. it's like, so long and so short at the same time!! thinking of each individual day makes it seem like forever, but i also know that i'll (probably) be blogging on my last night here, going, "where did all that time go?". i guess all i can do now is focus on the present and wait for time to pass.

-random thought of the day: Grateful for days like today!-

Down with a case of ruffled feathers, in addition to the illness. sickness update first...it seems to have evolved. i'm breathing better, but still coughing. worryingly, i'm feeling some discomfort inside my right ear, the right side of my throat is sore, and i'm coughing up a bit of thin phlegm. the n-acetylcysteine doesn't seem to be helping with that, or maybe it's helping by not making the phlegm worse. just hoping it's inflammation that will go away after a few days, instead of like...tonsilitis or something. let's not jinx it.

as for what happened to get me annoyed, it's the same core issue - people touching/moving my things unnecessarily. manifested in a different way this time, though. so what happened was that my aunt was originally going to have a contractor come over today to install new lights. she told me yesterday that she would try to reschedule to monday due to some timing issues. with that info, i decided to work from home today since i'm still not 100% recovered yet. when i went out for lunch with the tuition people (more on that later), she then messaged to say the contractor and her were on the way. not expecting them today, i didn't do any cleaning or anything. the sudden change was a little jarring, but that's not the main thing that bugged me.

for some reason, my aunt went to check the fridge, and repacked some food that i'd left in the original packaging into disposable food containers. i don't know how to explain it, but whenever people touch something that didn't need to be touched, it makes me irrationally angry. like, "i want to grab a baseball bat and smash an antique vase into dust" kind of angry. it's ok if people move my things out of the way (even then i'd appreciate it if my things were moved back afterwards - not necessary though), but to move something that i specifically placed in that specific location, that didn't NEED to be moved...WHY!? i've been trying to figure out why it makes me so mad, and the most likely reason at this point is that it's because whoever does that is overriding my decision, and implying that i'm not even competent enough to do something that simple. like in this context, the contractors came to change the lights. there was zero reason to open the fridge. perhaps in this case in particular, it also felt like she was checking up on me, like she couldn't trust the guy who'd lived alone for 3.5 years in japan to take care of himself in his own space in his native country.

i'm not going to make a big deal about this, just venting so that it doesn't weigh on me that much. after all, i'm living here because of her kindness, and i certainly don't want to come across as ungrateful. this is one more reason in a long list of reasons why it's better for me to live alone in my own place, and why i want the renovations to be done ASAP. speaking of which, today was a tremendous day! lots of installations, including the air-con, where the installers mistakenly ran the piping low along a wall instead of high up like originally agreed upon. this arose because today's team of installers is different from the one who came for the site survey. and my thoughts are: why send a different team, and if it was unavoidable, where's the communication!? it was a problem because the wall they ran the piping along was the wall i was going to back my bed against. so having that extra few cm of trunking between my bedframe and the wall would create a place for dust to accumulate. not ideal for someone who's allergic to dust! good news is that they fixed it in the end, although there's now a row of miscoloured plugged/filled holes (at least, i assume they're plugged/filled) running close to the floor. small issue, since we'll be painting the walls as the second-last thing to do.

on to happier things, my friend brought all the tutors together for a lunch. since i'm only there once a week and don't really have long interactions with the others, it's nice to talk to them (1) at length, and (2) including about things outside of work. i found out that one of them did his masters in NUS, and was under a professor whom i know of as well. i took a class taught by that professor, actually! another guy is in a band, and they're apparently good enough to be booked for gigs. we also talked a bit about future plans - i should ask my friend again tomorrow, but it seems that i'm slated to have only one class next year. not that i mind, i think it's great that i can go somewhat on autopilot during tuition and still do a decent job. it's just the kind of low-stress side-gig i need to bring in a bit more cash. there are talks to eventually let me take a JC class, and i wonder when that's going to be. when my current kids hit that age? or am i getting a new class next year after all? we'll see.

broke through the inertia and signed up for myrepublic broadband! i decided to try their "gamer" package, just to see if it would really give better routing for games. also, it comes with a free router, so that's one less thing i have to buy. that installation appointment is on the 26th. i'd wanted to sign up for the $6 phone plan too, but apparently it's been discontinued. rats. to think i even just saw it yesterday! well, no biggie. the other alternative is that i port my number into eight, since i already have more than $200 in credits there. for the time being, i guess i'll maintain status quo until a comparable deal comes along.

more thought organization in view of new info. my aunt told me her contact is available on the 24th, so that's the date of the big move. ID friend says the flooring will be down by the 23rd, so things can start going in after then, what amazing timing! i think the changes are significant enough to warrant a new timeline.

17 dec - go to tampines to check out fridge and washing machine

by 19 dec - send in last cases for the year (work)

20 dec - electrical installation

before 23 dec - toilet installation and whole house painting

23 dec - flooring installation, cleanup in the evening

24 dec - big move from sengkang and marine parade

by 25 dec - bed frame delivery and installation

26 dec - internet appointment, laundry rack installation, bedding delivery, computer delivery

27 dec - move fridge over, move desk over

31 dec - electronic lock installation

mid-january - sofa delivery

there was also a slight hitch in washing machine plans, in that my second aunt wants to keep it a little longer at tampines so she can use it when she's back in singapore for a couple of weeks in january. i'm mildly irritated because it means additional logistics. but well, it is what it is. thankfully, there's a laundromat under the block. or i may decide not to take the washing machine after all, and just get a new one.

based on these plans, it seems that the first night i can realistically sleep in the new flat will be the 26th, after the mattress arrives. so with the goal of moving in ASAP in mind, i will aim to make christmas night my last night in marine parade. i'll also need to ask my friend to split his season parking transfer over 2 locations to match with the move. wonder if HDB will allow it? in between all this, i still need to find time for my traditional year-end and new year posts, plus the extra one i wanted to do about the relationship. maybe in between the unpacking and organizing. oh! since my friend is lending me his car, i should plan an ikea trip to get storage solutions...and in order to know what to get, i need to unpack and figure out what could go where. ahhhhh!

-random thought of the day: Haircut tomorrow, no more delays!-

Back in the land of the living after being sick for the past 3.5 days or so. it started on sunday when i was reorganizing my boxes in marine parade - the usual sneezing, sniffling, runny/blocked nose...signs that my dust allergy was acting up. it was bad to the point where i was kept awake by the symptoms, and only got maybe 4 hours of sleep? not that i calculated the exact duration, but you get the idea. bought some zyrtec (antihistamine) on the way to office, thinking that taking one should clear my symptoms...it didn't. by lunchtime, i was looking bad enough that my colleagues suggested i take the rest of the day off and go see a doctor. the earliest appointment i could make was for tuesday afternoon, and i literally slept the rest of monday away. like, from 3pm to 7am the next day, with 2 or 3 short periods of wakefulness.

went to the polyclinic yesterday (i'll really miss having a polyclinic within short walking distance when i move), and the doctor told me that she suspected that it was a viral infection because i had a low-grade fever too. considering that i live alone, i wonder how i could have caught it? then again, viruses have incubation periods, so maybe this virus was already in my system and took advantage of the dust allergy hitting my immune system to exert its worst effects. which then begs the question: who have i been in such close proximity to in the past 2 weeks to contract a virus from without knowing about it? nobody's been sick or exhibiting related symptoms to my best recollection. anyway, she gave me 2 days' MC (meaning back to work tomorrow), and an assortment of medicines. one that i'm kind of excited to try is the nasal steroid spray that's supposed to reduce allergy symptoms. probably on moving day, or if my symptoms flare up again before then. just have to remember to avoid overusing it.

to my surprise, the doctor shot down my request to be referred for sublingual immunotherapy. she said that it's expensive and normally for kids, so that the resistance they build up can last their whole lives. i didn't really argue at that time, but i think i want a second opinion. cost-wise, i understand it's about $200 per month for the duration of therapy, which may be years, but i figure that i can afford it as long as i stay in this job. as for effectiveness of treatment, i would even take milder symptoms as a win, though obviously i want complete elimination of symptoms. we'll see. at least the doctor recommended some strategies to minimize the possibility of flare-ups, like not having curtains, washing sheets regularly, basically just having a cleaner environment with less place for dust to accumulate. really really makes me think that i should focus even more on decluttering.

as you may be able to guess, the first half of this week was totally wasted. and although there's never really a good time to fall sick, this is one of the less-bad times since i'm still waiting on things to happen for the new place, and for my mentor to get back to me on the cases i'd submitted. if all goes well, i'll get the cases back and use the feedback from a particularly relevant one to edit and submit my last case for this year! i guess in a way, i got what i asked for - something to take my mind off the waiting - but it happened in a sort of monkey's paw kind of way. i should be careful of how i phrase my wishes...i'd much prefer waiting in boredom, but in perfect health.

one other interesting (to me, at least) update, i'm talking to a guy. hold on, let me give you more details before you roll your collective eyes. first of all, he's not likely to be a romantic prospect. see, he's bi, and he says that he'd find it difficult to be in a same-sex relationship. i totally get that. but at the same time, he also says that he hasn't been having much luck in finding female dates since he broke up with his girlfriend in university. so, the plan is to be friends first and see what happens next. maybe he'll change his mind, or maybe it'll just stay as something casual. at this point, especially now that i'm armed with my most recent experience, i'm not having (m)any expectations. to quote jedi master, some people can keep the sane mask up for extended periods of time, but it can't last forever. i will admit though, that the first impression was good, which has resulted in a spark of interest? hope? growing in me, manifested in how often i reload our conversation to see if he's replied. it's got to be a balancing act, i guess. important thing i should remind myself is not just to be clear about what's possible and what's not, but also to be brutally honest with myself about that. it'll save me a bunch of heartbreak down the road. the way i see it, the realistic best-case scenario is that i could gain an awesome new friend, and maybe that's all we're meant to be. and that's fine. the worst case is that one of us blocks the other, and life goes on. it'll suck for a while, but i don't think there'll be long-lasting damage. but let's try to remain positive, yes?

genius me just did something very smart (yes, sarcasm), which is that i opened my work email inbox to get a preview of what i'd missed for the past 2 days. turns out there was a training session scheduled for today, which i thought was next week! my mentor also returned me both cases, with a LOT more comments than i was expecting. some of them are easily explained, i think, but i may need to do a bit more work to remedy some of the other flaws she pointed out. well, at least they shouldn't take me too long, though it may mean having to submit my last case for quota early next week instead. but that's still plenty of time before the end of the year.

might have been because i was sick and perhaps semi-delirious due to the fever, but i had the weirdest dream i've had in a long time last night. and coming from me, that's saying something! i remember 2 major scenes in the dream, and i don't know if they're related. first was that i got picked up by a super official-looking black SUV and got driven to an SAF firing range in the early morning hours when the sun hadn't even risen yet, where i was told that i'd have to find a uniform (including socks and boots) that fit, draw a weapon, and prepare for a range shoot. i mucked around in the huge pile of used clothes (eeew) before suddenly remembering that my PES status excused me from live firing (actually true). i brought this to the conducting officer's attention, and was let go.

scene 2 involved me taking a phone call on a penguin cordless phone. thanks to chatgpt, i have a rendered likeness, though the penguin looked more realistic and less cartoony in my dream. the base was wider too, but that's an unimportant detail.

i don't remember what the call was about, or even who i was speaking to. what i do remember was that it was in the bishan place, the penguin handset died (ran out of battery?) halfway, and i panicked. like near-hysteria levels of panic. i started doing CPR on it (compressions on the keys) while yelling for someone to call 995, only to realize that it was an inanimate object when the ambulance was already on its way. i'm sure there's at least one lesson/insight somewhere in here, but i'm not exactly sure as to what it might be.

my unexpected extended weekend ends tomorrow, and as you already know, i've got work to keep me busy for at least the next 2 days. tuition on saturday as usual, and i plan to go down to the new place and actually check the mailbox this time! also have to find time to set up internet for the new place, and port my phone line to myrepublic. those are the more pressing issues for now, i guess...the others can be put off for a little while more.

-random thought of the day: Need a haircut quite badly!-

Meeting people is good/interesting because you get a variety of perspectives, some of which are so foreign to you, hearing that other people actually think the way they do is a real eye-opener! that was the case for me when i met up with N and E for dinner yesterday. we had a surprise guest in the form of S, another JC classmate whom i hadn't seen in a good 5-8 years? the last time i remember seeing him was when i tutored his sister for A-level chemistry, and if i assume that they are 4-5 years apart, that would have been in 2009 or 2010? doesn't sound right...i seem to recall it being during grad school. a quick archive search shows that it was indeed 2010, which means that we've actually not met for 15 years! granted there may have been some random gathering(s) in the interim that i've forgotten about by now, but yes. it's been a long time, is what i'm trying to say.

over dinner, the conversation covered a wide range of topics. the usual where are you working now, are you married yet, etc. S is married, and his kid was born relatively recently. but other than that, he hasn't changed much. still an expert at talking rubbish and making us laugh. one of the more memorable things he said to me last night was, "i hope that you'll change, and start liking girls". coming from almost anyone else, i would have been up in arms. because it was him, i know (1) how he speaks plus (2) that he doesn't mean any harm, so i just laughed and told him that i'd bring a girlfriend to our next gathering only if he brought a boyfriend. it felt really nice to sit and talk with them again. it really brought me back to our JC days where we'd eat together during break times and just have the weirdest conversations in the canteen. i would say that my JC life was better than secondary school in that sense, in that i felt more at ease/happier and was able to be more social.

during dinner, i learnt that E's been going through a bit of a tough period. emotionally/mentally, that is. he's at the "what's the point of living?" stage of existential crisis, and it seems worse than mine. for background/context, E's family is filthy rich. but being rich doesn't stop a person from having bad character traits. from what i understand, his family is a little toxic. lots of arguments, shouting, people just generally not getting along. nothing major like betrayal or politics, but little disagreements magnified by their characters. at least, that's what i understand. so, he's been looking to move out for a while. when i say "rich", i mean the family is rich enough that E can ask his dad to buy him a HDB flat using cash. and perhaps because of this wealth, E hasn't really had to worry about things like losing his income, being homeless, etc. to put it more bluntly, he could stop working now and live off his family's wealth for the rest of his life. but even then, he's finding that he doesn't know what he wants, and that his life lacks purpose. i told him to just pass his wealth to me and i'd make good use of it, but he's also famously miserly despite being so rich!

hearing about his life made me more aware that even rich people have problems, and some problems can't be solved by money. well...not quite. if i were in his shoes, i'd use his money to solve those problems, but he doesn't want to spend! i kind of think that i'd know what to do with myself if we swapped places, but then i also realize that my mindset, attitude, etc. are products of the circumstances that i've been put in. had i grown up in his family from the start, i might be the same as, or even worse than him. unfortunately, as much as i want to help, this seems to be a hole that only E can dig himself out of. N has offered all sorts of advice/suggestions, but nothing has taken hold so far. i found that some ideas that i suggested had already been suggested by N way before! shows we think alike, i guess.

speaking of N, his life seems to be the most stable. he reads that as "boring", but i think a boring life isn't necessarily bad - it's good to have stability and predictability. of course there are times to let loose and be spontaneous, but that's not sustainable long-term. ultimately, what matters is that he's happy. and he seems to be, for the most part. the only thing he kind of groused about a little was that his friend circles appear to be shrinking, and that he's going to have to delay his "retire at 40" plan for a few years. i'm not worrying about him though; he's got a good head on his shoulders and i would actually trust him to make better decisions than me. that stability is also why the paragraph about him is the shortest out of the 3 friends! but it doesn't mean i care for him any less.

bleeding money again today. actually, i've been bleeding money since renovations started, but i confirmed a major purchase today - a computer! thinking that i should sell this laptop and downgrade to a less tricked-out model that i can use for tuition as well. if i manage to sell this laptop at its purchase price and think of it as covering cost of the computer, i'll only be a few hundred dollars out. but let's manage expectations here a little. after all, the laptop's been used for 1.5 years already. nothing wrong with it, just that electronics tend to depreciate over time.

the other purchase that i'll confirm by tonight is a mattress. i actually went to the showroom today after tuition to try what a hardness rating of 8/10 felt like. not sure if it was the pillow topper messing with my senses, but it still felt kind of soft. i highlighted my concerns to the nice shop staff, who told me about their seemingly-amazing returns policy. as long as the plastic cover is not torn/removed and it's within 100 days, the company will take the mattress back and exchange it for another one (difference in value to be topped-up or refunded), or simply refund the full amount. free collection and delivery too! even better, if you decide to exchange the mattress for another one, they'll bring the new mattress over when coming to collect the old one, so you won't have a mattress-less transition period at all. that's some gold star service right there. the caveat is that i haven't tried it out first-hand, so this is all based on what the staff told me. according to him, there are no hidden fees, loopholes, or anything like that, so my hopes are high. i'm actually tempted to test how good the policy is by ordering 2 mattresses, sleeping on them both within the 100 day period, and returning the one i like less. it should be possible, but the only thing stopping me from doing that is the huge capital outlay (about $800 per mattress).

minor point: had 2 absent-minded moments today. first was that i'd wanted to check the mailbox at the new flat after i dropped the dish rack and doorknobs off. i even made sure i brought the keys...only to drop the stuff off and just take the bus to the alumni gathering. i only realized it 5 stops into the journey, by which time turning back was not worth the hassle. i'll check it the next time i'm there. moment #2 was while i was making my way to the showroom. for some reason, it was in my head that it was located in marina square. so i got to marina square and pulled out my phone to confirm which floor it was on...only to see that it was in raffles city and not marina square like i'd remembered. thankfully it was still close by, and i managed to accomplish my mission there. as a bonus, i got in an additional few hundred to thousand steps from walking the length of citylink mall twice!

slight updates to the forecast, in that i'm pushing some delivery/installation dates back. not going to copy/paste the whole thing here again, but what's changed so far is:

- computer chair: before 31 dec

- computer: 26 dec (newly added!)

- electronic lock: 31 dec

i'll get in touch with the bed frame people tomorrow, in between packing up/organizing my stuff in marine parade slightly. the plan is to put everything that i'm not using on a daily basis into boxes, and to reexamine the box allocation as well. i should be able to make everything fit. side note: consider getting big ziploc bags for the stuffed toys, in case the new place is still dusty.

-random thought of the day: Looking forward to the upcoming big changes!-

Statistically speaking, for a big project such as home renovation, it would be too good to be true if everything went off without a hitch. that's why i'm not surprised that a small monkey wrench has appeared in the works, in the form of minor delays due to contractors' availabilities. still, i think it should set me back by only about a week? so i'm still in good time to move in by this year.

let me just update the events forecast with the new timeline, which also contains more detailed info from ID friend:

this week - common toilet door installation

this weekend - bring dish rack and doorknobs over to new flat

next week - installing toilet fixtures and 2 sliding doors

8 dec - contractors coming to marine parade (reminder to self only)

12 dec - air-con installation

17 dec - go to tampines to see condition of fridge and washing machine

18 dec - computer chair delivery and setup

20 dec - installing electrical fixtures

week of 22-26 dec - painting and flooring, flat handover (ideally by 24 dec)

24 dec - electronic lock installation (10am-1pm)

20-25 dec - bed frame delivery and installation

25-28 dec - move everything in (including big move from sengkang)

26 dec - laundry rack installation (11am onwards)

27-28 dec (?) - move fridge and washing machine in

january 2026 - sofa delivery

the scheduling was done with the thought that the flat would be ready for handover on the 15th, but with this delay, it feels like too many things are happening too close together. i guess what i can do on my end is to push some deliveries/installations later, so that there's a bit more buffer time/wiggle room.

one related thing i have to coordinate is moving myself out of marine parade, and the move of my 2 aunts back in from tampines. well, not the move itself for them, but rather to inform them of the date so that they can pack up and do whatever's necessary. it's partially selfish too; i'm set to take over the fridge and washing machine in tampines, and i can't very well leave them without such amenities, can i? the tricky part is that their move is tied to my move, which is in turn tied to when the flat will be ready. currently, my hope is that the flat will be ready by the 24th. then i can move my things over from marine parade on christmas day, have my aunts move back in on the 26th, and i take the fridge and washing machine anytime after they vacate tampines. looks good on paper, but it ultimately depends on whether the flat can be ready by the 24th. the most important thing is that i want to move my things in only after the flooring is done, so i don't have to move things around the house for the flooring people.

let's focus on things that i can influence/control, especially in the near future. i can ask the electronic lock people for a later installation date when i go down to pay the balance tomorrow. same for the bed frame people. i can (and really should) order a mattress - that's planned for this saturday, after i visit the showroom to test the hardnesses of various mattresses. i can pack up my stuff in marine parade to save future me some headache. so instead of going to tampines this sunday (also because my aunt's no longer going), that's the new plan. although it seems like there's a lot of downtime, there really isn't much of it at all. thank goodness work is going well; i'm 1 or 2 cases away from hitting my annual target, which means that i can divert my energy to moving and settling in later in the month. even closer, there's dinner with N and E, and maybe one of our other friends tomorrow! quite looking forward to seeing them again, goodness knows we've got a lot of catching up to do.

-random thought of the day: Bought cockles from NTUC...not worth the effort!-

For all the (perhaps self-induced) hype, the completion appointment was rather anticlimactic! the HDB officer only liaised with the seller, and the staff from the lawyer firm (that's another story in itself) was the one to hand me the documents and tell me that the transaction was done. i also got to meet the previous seller, who was there with her granddaughter(?) and the agent. turns out they lost the room keys, so i asked them to replace the door knobs. i even offered to get my contractors to do it and send them the bill, but they refused. their proposed solution was to get the seller's son to come over and do it himself, which i refused because i don't know if he's qualified and i don't trust his skills. the compromise was that they bought new doorknobs and i'll ask my people to install them. ID friend says he'll handle it, so we'll see how that goes.

quite sure i mentioned it before, but i really don't like the seller's agent. apparently, he was the one who asked them to do some renovations in hope of making the house look better. for the $20000 they put in, i think it was a waste of money. i think i would have preferred a completely empty house. but i guess i should be happy because they did kitchen cabinets, thus eliminating any need for me to order carpentry at all. the thing i really don't like about that agent was that he kept using the $20000 renovation as a bargaining chip. like even today, when i asked them to replace the doorknobs, he had the gall to ask me to let the doorknobs go considering they did $20000 worth of renovations for me. i was so annoyed at that time, i told him straight to his face that they could have saved money on the renovations, because i didn't like most of what they did. plus, the price i paid already had the cost of their renovations factored in, so i didn't owe them anything as far as that was concerned. i don't know, he strikes me as...not slimy, exactly, but i know for a fact that i don't get along with someone like him. thank goodness i have scary JC friend to liaise with him for me!

today's side quests went well-ish; managed to go to bishan to see my dentist friend for a cleaning. he also patched my chipped tooth up, and ground it diagonally. for stability and to match the surfaces up, i guess? according to him, i'm not brushing well enough. might be time to invest in an electric toothbrush and water flosser. maybe towards the end of the year, when my bonus comes in. after all, this visit already cost me $345. thankfully i can claim $120 from my office! not the full price, but still better than nothing. sadly, i didn't get to eat chicken rice today - i'd forgotten that tuesday was their day off when i added it to the agenda. lucky i remembered it last night, so i was able to manage my disappointment. i'm due for a follow-up appointment in april, so i'll have a second chance then. and if the cravings get too strong, i can always just make my way there as the main quest!

more boomer encounters - while taking the bus back, there was this old man who kept making loud, unnecessary comments. for example: the emergency glass-breaking hammer got dislodged, possibly accidentally by a guy standing near where it was. that triggered an alarm, which caused the bus captain to go and fix it. the old man then kept saying, "stand properly ah, don't let it happen again". then, when many people boarded the bus, he kept telling people to move to the back...while he stayed blocking half the walkway near the front. i couldn't stand it and told him that he should move back too, triggering an angry rant from him. i know that my response of putting my earphones in to drown him out was the right thing to do, but i'm so tempted to tell the next old idiot, "you live so long still don't know how to use your brain, isn't it sad?". better if it's delivered in dialect - more impact. but that's a fight for future me to potentially pick.

renovation update...air-con installation is scheduled for 12 december. a little later than what we were hoping for, but it's still within tolerances. the issue is that the air-con has to go up before painting can start, and painting has to be completed before flooring goes on (i think, that makes logical sense to me, anyway). so we're kind of stuck for those things until the air-con is done. in the meantime, plumbing and electrical works can proceed, pending delivery of the fixtures. one more thing i need to do is to decide on a mattress, buy it, and schedule the delivery. that's for this saturday - i want to go to the showroom and try the different hardnesses before committing to one. after all, i'd better get something i like, since i'll be using it basically every day!

-random thought of the day: Up tooth-brushing duration to 3 minutes or more.-