Frustration is the foremost feeling i'm experiencing now, though i can't say why for sure. all i do know is that it started either during or after training earlier today. based on that knowledge, if i had to guess, i'd say it's because i'm having difficulty with one of the techniques in nage no kata. i'd say it's insufficient practice...or maybe practising the wrong thing. the other thing is being on the receiving end of that same technique. the ideal situation is that uke (receiver) executes a nice, graceful rolling breakfall and stands up afterwards. on the other hand, my breakfall was a lot less graceful. in fact, the perfect sound effect to describe my breakfall would be "splat". as with all things that go splat, it hurt. i guess i was a little annoyed with my partner, who seemed to think that it was correct, and i had to just get used to the pain. thankfully, the resident nage no kata experts were on hand for consultation, and they determined that i was holding onto my partner for too long, and not projecting into the breakfall. it was quite frustrating to hear that, actually. it's not that i don't appreciate their advice, or think they're lying, but i really thought i had this breakfall thing down solid already. you'd think that if i can breakfall over 3 (crouching) people easily, i should be able to project myself forward, right? apparently not. well...i think it's nothing that a bit of practice won't solve.

katame no kata was...average. don't know if it's because we trained 2 days in a row, but i felt that our standard dropped from yesterday. we both made little errors which by now, should have been completely eliminated from our routine. that probably added to the frustration too. the problem mainly lies with the holds; chokes and armlocks are more straightforward and simple in execution. i think this is just a minor setback. should solve itself by the next training session, when we're both fresh and able to focus better. incidentally, i think i should mention that the sole reason i'm learning nage no kata is for my second dan grading next year. not because i have ulterior motives like wanting to outshine anyone or stuff like that. given the differences in our standards, a solid year of consistent training will probably only get me to where they currently are. it's not even taking their own improvements throughout that year into consideration yet.

that aside, another minor issue is this whole thing about needing a club. it's not an unreasonable requirement. and as i told the management, i'm in the process of solving the issue. problem is, the solution will only materialize in another 2 months at earliest. so, i'm kind of in a spot now. the easiest solution would just be to let me have the required time, while everything gets settled. but somehow, i doubt things will magically fall into place that way. hence, after some thought and discussion, i'm thinking of temporarily joining another club as an interim solution. wonder which club will take a 3-month member? if all goes well during the talk tomorrow, i may find a temporary home in SJC. if all goes well.

so, about the SJC thing. i've mentioned earlier that one of the coaches there asked me to help out in teaching a few classes. i don't know if he's desperate, or can see that i'd make a good coach, or whatever. but i've decided to take him up on the offer, maybe on a weekly or fortnightly basis. i don't know yet. right now, the plan is to go down tomorrow and speak to them to see whether or not a plan can be worked out.

recently, i've started to wonder if i'm taking on more than i can handle. physically, i'm ok. it's the mental load that's getting a little heavy. somehow, lab work is taking a bigger toll than i'd anticipated. and the sad thing is i'm just doing "normal" lab. nothing intensive yet. well, if it really comes down to sacrificing something, "national athlete" will be the first to go. after that, as much as it would kill me, SJI/CJC. if i still can't handle the stuff in my life after getting rid of those 2 things, i should really reexamine my work habits. for now, i think i'll survive ok.

tomorrow, i have a number of things to get done. first, the SJC talk. then, going to lab to set up 2 or 3 reactions. have to find time to go shopping for some essentials too. hope that i'll use the time productively tomorrow.

-random thought of the day: Don't think I'm up for too much social interaction.-

Ulcers suck. i don't normally fall victim to ulcers, but when i do, they usually go away after a quick rinse with salt water, or a salt rub more for serious cases. this latest one, however, has stuck around for almost a week already despite a brief salt rub. don't even know how it happened in the first place. as far as i can recall, i didn't bite that particular area in my mouth (inner lower lip, 2 to 3 teeth to the left of centre, quite deep down), or eat anything sharp that might have caused a cut. it's nothing life-threatening...a minor annoyance at best. still, the pretty frequent stabs of pain aren't pleasant. or that could be because i'm eating chilli quite frequently lately, and the ulcer gets exposed to the capsaicin and whatever. think i'll try another (more prolonged) salt rub before bed tonight.

had a bit of a near miss today while driving. guess i was impatient after getting stuck on the AYE for 20 minutes(!), so i was driving a little faster than normal and not waiting as long. incidentally, i think that traffic jam just about killed all the fuel savings i'd accumulated for this tank. so, what happened was that i had started my usual U-turn near the SJF (to get on the correct side of the road to turn in), when another car came speeding down the road i was turning into. fortunately, we both jammed the brakes, so nothing happened. although that guy was going a little too fast, majority of the blame lies with me, i think, for stubbornly trying to turn even though my view was obstructed (another car was trying to turn up ahead as well, and obscured some of the oncoming traffic). thankfully, there were no injuries or anything...just 2 rattled-up drivers.

reason why i went to the SJF was for kata training. we did both katame no kata (full thing) and nage no kata (no throws). for the former, the basic form is more or less down. good enough to pass grading, we think, but not good enough to win competitions. for now, that's an ok-ish level of progress. i'm happy that i finally got the hang of sliding backwards on one knee! causes an ache in my right thigh (and the friction makes my left knee heat up), though, and i can't do it for more than 3 steps, or my legs lose strength and i lose balance. but it's a start. at least my left knee is in constant contact with the mat now. for the latter, i'm still a little shaky on the last set (side sacrifice techniques). and i realize that i was tired after doing a no-throw run. a throw run would definitely be worse. have to build up the stamina. have i mentioned my partner's going to alaska in 2 weeks or so, and will be gone for a period between 2 weeks to 4 months? yes, the range is a little very wide, but the duration of his stay depends on the data he gathers on-site. so...hoping for the best, that he won't be away for too long. it's difficult to train kata alone, after all, and while it's possible to find a temporary partner for nage no kata (only because all black belts will know at least a bit of it), the same can't be said for katame no kata.

in case you're wondering why i'm free enough to go to the SJF on a monday evening, it's because this week is recess week! just had e-learning 2 weeks ago, so having a week off is somewhat less exciting. not that i'm not grateful, though. i think this week will be balanced between lab work and preparing for my 2 presentations (the first one being organometallics, about a week later). have to email the professor tomorrow to get my choice of papers approved. other than that, it's the usual lab work i guess. hoping there's some good results soon. i'm seeing too much failure, and it's getting mildly frustrating.

-random thought of the day: Should get a carwash done soon.-

Posting before sleeping really helped. in fact, i slept so well that i missed group meeting today. feeling quite bad about it, especially since i'd wanted to do some lab work today. guess i'll have to make it up tomorrow. that might mean that i can come in later a bit on monday. which also works out, because i have to settle some other stuff.

so, suicide. it's not often that i think about it, but after reading the article yesterday, plus talking to my friend, it's hovering in my head again. personally, i'm not about to take my own life. i'm too afraid of pain. worse is if the attempt fails, and i'm left permanently disabled or something bad. plus, i believe that no problem is so bad or unsolvable that death is the only way out. so, all things considered, suicide is not a choice for me.

however, i do understand why some people may consider/attempt suicide. if their problems are way beyond their capacity to solve, and if there's nobody to share the burden with, it does sound like an attractive option. plus, it can be argued that a person's life is their own, and the decision on whether to end it or not should be left to them to make.

the other side of the argument is that a person's life is never truly their own. i mean, there are bound to be people whose lives you are a part of, and vice versa. so, killing yourself is kind of like killing a piece of someone else, for lack of a better way to put it. to me, it's kind of inconsiderate to knowingly cause someone else the pain of having you removed from their life. this is assuming that the someone in question values you, of course.

certain religious groups often advocate that all life is precious. but somehow, i don't think a drug addict dying of an overdose would receive the same attention/sympathy as a celebrity hanging him/herself. so, it's quite clear (at least to me) that lives are valued differently. i was thinking about it for a while, and came to the following conclusion: all life is equal at birth. the additional value comes with what you do with your life. but i think that's drifting a little too far away from the main point already.

to look at it from a very practical/economic point of view, i think suicide is wrong when the person still has some value. like, they're capable of being productive, or capable of providing emotional support to their friends/family. however, if that person causes a negative benefit to society, the sooner they go the better.

actually, i think the main problem people have with suicide as opposed to death by accident, illness, or natural causes is that suicide can be prevented. that also causes a correspondingly larger sense of guilt if/when it happens...you know, like "what could have i done to prevent this?" i would probably be more upset if someone i cared for killed him/herself as opposed to learning that they died in a plane crash. not that i wouldn't be upset in the latter case, just less so, i guess. i mean, i can't stop the plane from crashing, but i can at least try to talk whoever it was out of suicide.

or come to think of it, maybe it's due to the issue of assigning blame. for all other deaths, we can blame other things/people. we probably can for suicides as well, but the difference is that some of the blame goes to the deceased...as it does when they jaywalk and get knocked down, i guess. but anyway, what i'm trying to say is that it's hard to blame someone you love...though if someone i loved died due to his/her own carelessness, i wouldn't blame the other party.

while i'm quite sure there's still a bit more i want to say, i either don't quite know how to word it, or it's not exactly relevant here. so, that'll be it until the next urge to talk about it arises...which i hope is a long time away. having this float up too frequently can't be good for my mental health.

in less depressing matters, i attended a meeting with the SJF's new management today. i was quite...put off at some of the new policies and decisions, but looking at it objectively, i think part of it is due to my resistance to change, and lack of confidence in my ability. remember i said that my 4 roles in judo are prioritized as: grading, coaching, refereeing, competing? out of these roles, the only one i don't foresee much change in is coaching. all i'm worried about now is my NCAP practical certificate. refereeing should be more or less ok as well...i've worked with the new referee director in the past before, and she's generally nice and efficient (my friend's information about the identity of the new referee director was wrong, by the way).

grading is causing me some stress, though. it was only mentioned in passing, but i heard the words "point system" come up. while i think it'll be good for the standard of judo in the country (plus, it's more in line with the japanese system), i just don't know if i'll be able to make the required number of points (whatever the number may be). but well, the guidelines aren't out yet, so worry at this time looks (and probably is) premature.

finally, competing. there's a new national coach, so it's expected that things will change. the thing that worries me the most is the new training hours requirement, which is 20 hours a week (up from 20 hours a month). assuming an athlete trains 6 days a week, that's an average of 3 hours a day, minimum. granted that it doesn't have to be all judo; physical training and mental skills training do count as well. but still, 3 hours a day? seems a bit much. you know what? let's break it down. i think a schedule examination session is way overdue.

there are 24 hours in a day. let's say i take out 8 for sleeping, leaving 16. i take out another 10 for school work (including lab and preparing for lessons). that leaves 6 hours, 3 to 4 of which i can spend training, and 2 to 3 of which for travelling, meals, and other stuff. so actually, the time in a day is sufficient. just that my time management and planning is poor. as for training itself, the way i see it, 3 hours at a go is too much for kata. brief sidetrack: i have mentioned that i'm practising for 2 kata right? the full nage no kata is in preparation of grading next year. so is katame no kata, but in addition, it's also so-called "my" event in competition. suddenly, it doesn't seem like i have that much time during training sessions after all.

nevertheless, i think the 3-hour block can be broken down into 2 blocks of 90 minutes per day, or maybe even a 2 hour : 1 hour ratio. looking at my schedule ever since school started, i'm sleeping at 1:00+am and waking up around 8:00+am on average. should probably try to sleep earlier. on average, i reach lab around 10:30am, and leave around 10:00pm. so, the question is, where can i fit physical and judo training in? i was thinking of doing like 2 hours of exercise in the morning, and another 1 to 2 hours in the evening/night. problem is, i'm not really a morning person, so i don't know if i can drag myself out of bed to go work out. but that's a separate issue. with regards to the venue, i'm thinking bishan stadium might be a viable alternative. at night, i can use the school's facilities, like the track and gym. not to mention i can drop in on NUS training if need be. so...i guess that'll be the new routine. wake up, go to the stadium for a morning jog/PT, then to school for routine stuff, find the time to get in an evening workout, then go home. doesn't sound all that hard, right? i think the problem will be whether i have the consistency to do it every day. that, and my partner's going overseas in october, and his trip can possibly last anywhere from 2 weeks to 4 months. really puts a dent in our training plans, but we'll survive somehow.

the other issue i have regarding the new administration is the policy that every athlete has to have a club. that came out wrong, actually. the policy's been around since the previous administration, so the issue's more on my part, because i don't belong to a club. like i said earlier, (some other people and) i've been working on a way to solve this, but results are slow in coming. guess i have to kickstart stuff, and that starts with an sms tomorrow. of course, the option to just walk away and become a hermit in SJI/CJC does exist, but barring any odd circumstances, i don't think that will happen. i mean, i'd like to do my part for the community, and continue to improve my own judo. and i guess earning higher grades satisfies my need for accomplishment and gives me motivation to press on.

prices for the iphone 5s have been released. continuing my current plan, plus trading in my iphone 4s, i'll be paying $282 for the 16GB model, $427 for the 32GB model. sounds pretty reasonable, right? 32GB is tempting, but i don't know if i'll have use for that much space. as it is, my 16GB iphone 4s is about only 3/4 full. on the other hand, i'm making more money now...though that isn't a valid reason to spend more. well...it's still early. i have until december to decide, after all.

incidentally, i was thinking about the fingerprint thingy, and have come up with what i think is a pretty good analogy. using your fingerprint to unlock your phone is kind of like using a very difficult password that people know about, but have difficulty replicating. sort of like using the first 100 digits of pi as your password. everybody knows where to get the information, but it can't be typed in without much difficulty. not sure if i'll end up using the feature in future.

sometime last week (i forgot exactly when), i received a call about a tuition assignment. i really don't know who keeps recommending me! not that i'm ungrateful, but i'd prefer to have singaporean kids, if you get my drift. anyway, i don't think anything will come out of this particular contact, since the kid didn't seem interested. no worries though. suddenly, it doesn't seem like i have much time to spare anyway.

well, i think that's it for now. this should tide me over at least for a few days, a week if i'm lucky. must get started on my library books; i realized a week has passed and i haven't read a single one yet.

Yes, i know the date header says saturday. but since i haven't slept yet, it's friday night to me, and the temporal references will be used accordingly.

even though i'm really tired, i still felt that i had to blog a bit before sleeping, if only to reduce the negative stuff swirling in my head. i realize that my capability to cope with this is in inverse proportion to my fatigue levels. and since i stayed in lab until past 1:00am last night, i was definitely not at 100% energy. so i guess the day started on the wrong foot already. second thing was that i read about a suicide somewhere. that dampened the mood further. then, i had to talk to a friend about something not quite pleasant. long story short is that there's friction between him and his lab group. i'm not complaining since i voluntarily tried to see if there's anything i can do. but this friend is...i don't know...let's just say his views are different. and he's extremely stubborn. so i don't think i got through to him that much, if at all. even with all the coaching training, i still found myself at quite a loss as to how to best approach the issue. i don't know. maybe it's because i've been interacting with him outside of a work/lab context, but i really don't see how these problems could arise. still, fact of the matter is that the problems have arisen. since we didn't reach a satisfactory (to me) conclusion today, we're meeting again on monday, this time with another friend with the other side of the story. hope things go better.

had dinner with another friend, who's also going through some issues. once again, i voluntarily talked to him (in fact, i asked to meet him), so i'm not blaming anyone. this friend has quite unique views on life and other stuff...views which i am able to respect, but probably not live by. anyway, for this case, the problem is caused by one of our mutual friends. i have no idea how someone so smart can, at the same time, be so dense. just doesn't make sense. as much as it kills me, my only course of action for this issue is to do nothing, and hope that the person involved will find a good way to deal with it.

i'm normally not too affected by other people's problems, but when they come in on top of my own issues, it can be a little too much sometimes. that's why i blog...to get rid of it. once again, it's not a complaint. i willingly got myself involved. anyway, what happened to me was that today, i received a piece of not-good news. that in itself was ok, since i was expecting it anyway. i was more upset with the way it was delivered. i just feel that the delivery was too...casual, not acknowledging the inconvenience that it would cause. i don't know. maybe i'm a little too touchy from being tired.

on top of all of that (or maybe because of all of that), i got careless during my lab work. spilled a flask full of my product (and a thiol) into the water bath of a rotary evaporator. thank goodness that (1) the rotavap was in a fume hood, (2) it didn't happen in my lab, (3) that lab's students were extremely nice about it. i should have just went home earlier and slept. lesson learned: don't do lab work if less than 100% confident about your (my) mental state. after that, i surrendered. just tried to salvage my product (got quite a decent amount) and went home. i figured that i'd better not try to settle my large-scale reaction. would be disastrous if i screwed up. after all, there's always tomorrow. and speaking of tomorrow, there's group meeting. i'd better sleep soon. will probably elaborate on some stuff in the future, especially the bit on suicide.

-random thought of the day: Why?-

Every now and then, i get the feeling that i made a colossal scheduling error. most of the time, i'm worrying for nothing. but this time round, i've been feeling it for the past 2 to 3 days, which makes me kind of worry more than usual. as far as i know, i haven't double-booked myself for anything...but that's as far as i know. i could have forgotten something and not known about it. i guess we'll see if/when it happens. to be pedantic though, by knowing that you forgot about something, you actually remembered the thing that you forgot, so it's no longer forgotten. hence, there' no way for me to know that i'd forgotten something, unless i remembered what i'd forgotten, in which case i'd have remembered it.

another possible reason for me feeling off could be because of several things going on around me. foremost on my mind is judo. last post, i mentioned that there's been a change of leadership in the SJF. i'm looking at this from 2 points of view - professional and personal. professionally, i've worked/interacted with some of those people before, and in general, they're nice. i figure that on a purely professional level, there SHOULD be no problems, unless they implement certain bad policies. the way i see it, i have 4 major objectives for judo. raise my belt rank, gain coaching accreditation, serve as a referee, and represent singapore as a kata athlete. out of these 4, the most important to me are grading and coaching. as long as these 2 aspects aren't affected, i have no reason to make noise. about the other 2 roles, i can give up being an athlete. i can even give up being a referee if push really comes to shove. sidetrack: i was due for promotion to national A referee, but i don't know if the new referee director will agree. anyway, i just hope that things go on as normal, or at least that the shake-ups won't be too violent.

on a personal note, i'm neutral towards most of the appointments, except one. it just makes me uneasy having to report to this particular person, especially since there's still some bad blood between us. nevertheless, i'm sure that as adults, both of us can put our personal feelings aside and come together on a professional level if/when the need arises. if things turn unreasonable this coming saturday, i may not have to work with this person at all. thankfully, my grading and coaching aren't (or in principle, shouldn't be) affected by this person. i don't know...don't want to kill too many brain cells by thinking too much about this. see what happens on saturday i guess.

lab-wise, things are going relatively ok. there's SOME progress, just not as much as i'd like. don't think i've caught the groove yet. not sure whether it's because i'm inexperienced or slack. probably both. still find that i need to be pointed in the right direction sometimes...not good. anyway, i'm scheduled to meet my professor tomorrow for a discussion session. with any luck, i won't get grilled too badly. on a somewhat related note, i find that my memory's deteriorating...for the important stuff, at least. like i can read a paper and still not catch some details. and i seem to have trouble remembering specifics of conversations, though i can usually give a general outline. hope the chemicals aren't spoiling my brain or anything scary like that.

to shake off the feeling of scheduling too many things, let's list what i can remember. N95 mask fit test tomorrow, possible kata practice sometime this week, GC-MS training on friday, meeting favourite SJI boy on saturday, nothing on sunday, recess week next week, meeting the JC classmates sometime then, presenting for organometallics on week 7, presenting for organic materials on week 10 or 11, organometallics literature report due on week 13, routine lab work in the spaces in between. that sounds about right. can't really think of anything that i'm missing out...and that's still making me worry a little. well, as i'm fond of saying, whatever i can't remember probably isn't that important.

maybe the reason i'm feeling this way is because i'm carrying too much mental baggage, not all of which can be unloaded on a public platform. have to find someone to talk to. but someones to talk to don't just fall from the sky. depressing. any volunteers?

-random thought of the day: I know what rotting cabbage smells like.-

Day 2 out of 3 of my first-aid course is over, and i've been enjoying it very much. the only dissatisfactory thing was that we were misinformed of the venue on the first day. but well...it's no longer a big deal. i'm quite surprised at how quickly time passes during the course! i think it's how the course is structured/paced. there's a lot of hands-on practice, so that kills significant time. plus, there's lunch and 2 breaks (one morning, one afternoon), so that helps as well. and speaking of lunch, i've been paying astronomical prices for lunch these past 2 days. yesterday's lunch was at an atas french place, so i still felt somewhat willing to pay $35 (before GST and service charge) for a 3-course lunch. however, today's lunch was a total rip-off. i had nasi padang (1 meat, 2 seafood, 1 vegetable) at this shop near the training centre. a meal like that would cost me $3+ to a maximum of $5 in NUS. considering NUS is subsidized somewhat, i'm willing to pay about $6 to $8 elsewhere. the stall (a few coursemates and) i ate at charged me $13, and it wasn't even air-conditioned! i really don't know how the price came up to that much. we came to the conclusion that the owner (1) makes a hell of a profit, (2) charges based on impression, (3) doesn't have many repeat customers. to be fair though, i liked their squid and fish, so it's not a completely horrible experience. but still...paying 3-4 times more for so-so standard food was quite unpleasant.

i've said this before, and i'll say it again. fate works in funny ways. like today, group meeting was scheduled. i had earlier enquired about missing half a day of the course, but later decided that it would make more sense to miss group meeting. ended up that i didn't have to miss anything, because my professor cancelled group meeting yesterday. in the 19+ months i've been with the lab, this is probably only the third time it's happened (other than for public holidays or festivals). such a nice coincidence. also, i met some very interesting people in the course. interestingly, a lot of people from varied backgrounds are taking the course. among those i remember are a couple of chefs, a taekwondo coach, an inline skate instructor, a teacher, a construction worker, at least 2 physical trainers, 2 nurses, some secondary school kids, and myself. in particular, i got to know the (a?) master trainer from true fitness. by some freaky coincidence, she was from CJC judo too! that was 20 years ago, though, so we've never met in a judo context. don't know if it's because of that, but we seem to hit it off pretty well! upon learning about my knee problems, she ever helped me tape it up for stability, and gave me a few rolls of tape of different brands to try out. i think that'll come in useful during training.

on the way to her office in great world city (we walked from the course venue near outram park MRT), she was telling me how to set fitness goals and pace myself. her starting point for me (and most of her clients) is walk for 10 minutes. then, slowly increase the intensity and duration. at first, i was quite sceptical. i mean, no matter how unfit i may be, a 10-minute walk as a complete workout session seems kind of like an insult to my fitness. but her point was that starting slow builds confidence. even then, i think i can afford to start off at a higher benchmark. maybe a 2 or 3km jog, or maybe even intervals (5 times of a 100m sprint, 300m walk/jog), accompanied with some light PT. and i can make use of the gym, too. the other takeaway is that i have to watch my diet. my current 1 to 2 meals a day actually slows my metabolism, making it harder to burn everything off. and yes, with my transponder, i no longer have an excuse. time to throw my sports shoes into the car.

after listening to all the stuff about goal setting, pacing, nutrition, and sleep, i realize that i have to change my mindset somewhat. i don't know when this idea got into my head, but when i think of a workout, i think of exercising until i am dead tired, like only capable of dragging myself home, into the shower, then into bed. turns out that that isn't necessary. that's where the concept of pacing comes in. have to ensure that i still retain some energy after i'm done. reminding myself that i can still go back to lab to run experiments might be a good idea.

the course material itself is pretty digestible, and most of it is relevant to judo. the only things that i probably will not need to use in a judo setting are first aid for cuts, burns, and animal bites/stings. the rest, like CPR/AED, treating fractures, sprains, spinal injury, nosebleeds, all have the potential to be relevant...though i hope to never have to use any of my knowledge. tomorrow's the test, which i think should go pretty well. after that, the next step is applying for inclusion in the NROC.

seems like there was a major upheaval in the SJF today. so far, i know that the referee director has stepped down. i'm sure that most, if not all, of the people in the other exco positions will be changed. since it affects me to some degree, i am really curious as to who's the new president and referee director. not too bothered about other (more administrative) positions, like treasurer. well, i guess there'll be some form of media release soon. at the worst case, i can find out from the people who were actually present at the AGM. makes me wonder how judo in singapore will change. well, i guess i'll be able to see (and experience) the changes for myself in due time.

like i mentioned earlier, the theory and practical tests are tomorrow. i wonder if the tests will really take the whole day. or maybe the morning will be used for recap/revision and teaching, while the test will be in the afternoon. whatever it is, i hope we finish reasonably early. think tomorrow might be a good time for a haircut and a library visit.

-random thought of the day: Feeling empty.-

So...full...

just got back from research group dinner at raffles city shopping centre's buffet town. the reason we had this dinner is because 3 of the phd students are leaving the group soon, and they decided to band together to buy everyone dinner. even though the cost was split 3 ways, it's still not cheap. but for me, the food was worth the price. i just hope i ate my (their) money's worth. even though there was quite a wide variety of food, i mainly stuck to the sashimi and other seafood. the oysters were nice! too bad i only got 2 rounds in before the queue became too long. really pity the guy on oyster duty...the oysters are freshly opened, so i think he doesn't really get to take a break. worse is if someone comes along and takes half a dozen oysters or so, depleting the stock. then the guy has to work double-time to keep the queue moving. i kind of suspect oyster duty is a punishment, but i'll never know for sure unless i work there, which is unlikely. i think this is a potential place for future meetings with friends and whatnot. there's no time limit, so we can eat our fill at a nice and relaxed pace. definitely worth considering.

going home, i took the train with the scariest phd student in the lab. he's actually a nice guy...just that i feel he's stern to juniors. i think he's the only one in the lab, who if i angered, i would be truly afraid. that's not to say that i don't respect my professor and/or the other students, and/or hold them in less regard. it's just that this guy is exceptionally scary. but in the train, he kind of gave me advice about research, and possible paths after university. oddly enough, he knows about my desire to move to japan too. i haven't really been very vocal about it...at least i think i haven't. but if my professor and seniors know about it, i clearly have been speaking about it to some extent. anyway, i felt kind of touched that he would do that, since we're not exactly that close. just before i got off the train (his stop was further than mine), he told me, "good luck, and work hard". don't know why i'm writing specially about that. as a reminder, i guess.

not everything went according to plan this week...for instance, the chem kids dinner was cancelled, and will be rescheduled sometime in the near future. no big deal; there are still many opportunities for us to meet. yesterday, my professor was hosting this japanese professor, who came to give a seminar on total synthesis of guanidine-containing natural products (more on that later). to my great surprise, he asked me to join them for lunch! seems like my intention of going to japan has left an impression on him. i got to speak japanese a little bit, but we stuck to english for the most part because i think the guest didn't want to exclude my professor, who doesn't understand japanese. the seminar was interesting, but incredibly chim. the thing that left the most lasting impression on me was that the professor's group took 69 steps to synthesize an enantiomerically-pure sample of pufferfish toxin. of those 69 steps, 29 steps are for protection and deprotection. incredibly tough, i think. while i had some difficulty believing it previously, i can now appreciate how an asymmetric synthesis of a natural product is good enough for a phd thesis.

lab wise, i think i've successfully synthesized an existing catalyst. now all i have to do is complete the last step, which is adding our modification. seems easy enough, but the yield isn't that good. i started with 1g, and got about 0.5g of product after the first step. used 0.25g for the second step, and i got around 0.2g of product. and there's still one more step!! looks like i have to synthesize more stuff, but it's hard when i only have 3g of starting material left. can't wait for when my 500g bottle comes in. seems like i'll have some stuff to write about in my small progress update. the master's student is a little clueless, but then i understand she has no prior research experience. not that i have a lot of it myself, so i hope it doesn't end up as the blind leading the blind. for now, things still seem ok.

look up 2 paragraphs, and you'll notice i came home by train today. this is despite the fact that i drove to school in the morning. the logical conclusion would be that i left the car in school overnight, and you'd be right to think that. you see, i have the first-aid course tomorrow, and it lasts the whole day. so, my initial plan was to park in school, leave it overnight, go to the first aid course by train, then go to school after the course, and drive home. that would have worked, except for one tiny detail - i left my slippers in the car! that means i'll have to make an extra trip to school tomorrow to pick them up, and that means getting up even earlier than planned. no big deal, i guess...just have to force myself awake. some quick planning...the course starts at 9:00am. we were told to be there 10 minutes early, plus the venue's about a 5-minute walk from outram park MRT. that means i have to be at outram park by 8:45am. that, in turn, means i have to collect my slippers and leave kent ridge by 8:20am. assuming that collecting my slippers takes 30 minutes all-in, i have to be at kent ridge at 7:50am, which means being at bishan MRT at 7:30am, which means leaving the house at 7:15am, which means waking up at 6:30am. i can't even remember when was the last time i woke up at 6:30am!! to think that i could have saved myself half an hour if i'd remembered my damned slippers. well...i'll survive somehow. just hope that i won't be too tired to pay attention.

this week was my fourth time topping up petrol since getting the civic, and being concerned about how my money is spent, i'm doing some monitoring. seems that each tank (i use about 4/5 of the 50L tank before refilling) lasts me a week and a half on average. i get about 400+km on that amount of fuel, working to about 10km/L. seems average, maybe even a bit on the low side. but i noticed something funny on the last tank, and it seems to be happening with this current tank too. like my speedometer, my fuel indicator is digital, with 20 (large) pixels representing 50L. so that's 2.5L per pixel. i'm not sure whether the pixel turns dark as soon as you start using from "its" 2.5L, or if it only deluminates after "its" 2.5L is completely used up. for a more conservative estimate, i'm using the former. so, for the previous tank and this tank, i can get up to 110km on 3 fuel bars. that's 7.5L, making my fuel economy about 14km/L. somehow, when i stop monitoring it so carefully, the economy drops until i'm at around 10km/L again as i'm about to refuel. makes we wonder if my fuel sensor is malfunctioning. then again, i suppose it's due to ferrying 4-5 kids on average to lunch after saturday training sessions. maybe my economy will improve this month, since there's no training. have to keep up the gas cap trick, too. seems to be working to some degree.

the iphone 5S and 5C were announced yesterday. i'm in no big rush to get a new phone, since my iphone 4S still works reasonably well after having the power button replaced. also, i figure that waiting for a while gives me more information on which to base my decision. like for instance, i can find out if there are any issues with the software or hardware, wait for them to be resolved, see if prices drop a little (hopefully), and ensure that there the phone i want will be in stock after the crazy buying frenzy has abated. personally, i'd get the 5S over the 5C. part of it has to do with the 5C being perceived as a "budget" iphone i guess. the other part is that the fingerprint sensor looks pretty cool, and (unlike siri,) has the potential to feature heavily in routine phone usage. plus, i can trade my current phone in for a $250 rebate off a new phone. there's no pricing information yet, but after the trade-in, i'm expecting to pay around $500 for a 16gB model. if i feel rich enough, i may even go for the 32gB. see how. i think i'll wait for my contract to expire, so that'll be this december at the earliest. still quite a long way to go.

guess that's it for now. better go sleep. have to be up bright (well, dark) and early tomorrow.

-random thought of the day: Must chase for my NCAP technical.-

By now, i've got most of the things that a new grad student needs. transponder, a lab supplies account, 500MHz NMR training. all done within the past week. how's that for efficiency? in particular, i was extremely surprised at how fast the transponder took. my seniors told me to be prepared to wait for anything between 1 to 2 weeks, but i got it within 1 day of submitting my form. i guess the main thing i did differently was to approach the deputy head directly for her signature, and ask the transponder guy if he could speed up the process a little, which he did, and for which i am extremely grateful. minor negative bit was that he initially forgot to give me access to the S5 corridor, but i'm not complaining since that got fixed the next day. the only thing i'm missing now is after-hours access to the NMR lab; that should come in the next 2 weeks. it's actually not that important, since i'm sure i can schedule NMRs before 6:00pm. other than that, i think the only other things i might need are training in other instruments (like HPLC, and a refresher for mass spectrometer), but that's not relevant yet...maybe in a month or so. basically, i think i'm good to go for now.

presented my progress at the group meeting yesterday. it went ok, i think, though i was caught off-guard by a couple of questions. doesn't feel good to be speechless in front of the whole research group. have to prepare better for future presentations. on the bright side, i now have a plan of action for the next few weeks to a month. if all goes well, i'll be able to have some results in...2 weeks at the soonest. maybe even sooner with help from the master's student, whose skills i realize i'm not utilizing efficiently...or at all, for that matter. have to start pushing some substrate synthesis to her as well.

remember how i previously blogged about buying notebooks with a co-op voucher? well, i've been using the notebook assigned for my school use, but not the one assigned for personal use. it's not that i don't want to use it, but just that there's no good time and/or place to write. i won't write in school, because (1) i'm kind of afraid that my friends will chance upon it, and (2) i'm supposed to be working anyway. writing at home is kind of pointless, since i can blog, which basically serves the same purpose. well, there is one difference. i can't blog about some personal stuff here, so that's still floating in my head. maybe i'll come to a compromise. i know! in the car. that's worth considering. think i'll try it out tomorrow.

yesterday was the last SJI training for about a month. due to group meeting overrunning (there were 5 speakers total), i didn't make it down in time, but joined the kids for lunch instead. good news is that everyone (except one person, i hear) passed the grading. i'll definitely miss the kids (especially you-know-who), but they have to study for exams. looks like the next few saturdays will be kind of boring. might spend some extra time in the lab if results are slow in coming. jumping back to grading for a bit, upon learning that (almost) everyone passed, i gave favourite SJI boy the brown belt which i'd got for him in japan. i wasn't sure of the size, so i asked him in a kind of roundabout way before making the order. he told me that 210cm was just nice. something felt off to me then, but i went ahead with the order anyway. in retrospect, i should have went with my instincts and ordered the 235cm one. well, the current plan is to see how it fits him before deciding whether to order another one. somehow, i think i'll end up ordering one anyway. maybe not in the near future, but next year or so...whenever he grows and fills out.

went down to the dog shelter today. i like it there, except for the smell. you know how if you're in a bad-smelling place for a long enough time, you eventually become desensitized to the smell and can't smell it any more? that didn't happen today, despite me being there for about 5 hours. maybe that'll happen in a few more trips...though somehow, i don't think so. although i've only been there twice, i already know which dogs i kind of prefer. actually, looks are secondary. the main thing is that the dog has to be friendly, but relatively calm at the same time. i got a shock when one of the dogs put his mouth around my forearm. no, he didn't bite. quite scary at first, but i think it's harmless. i'd read about it some time ago, but didn't think that i'd actually experience it.

love is funny, isn't it? i happened to meet the shelter's founder today, and spent about 20 minutes talking to her. the one thing i didn't (and still don't quite) understand is why she would go through all the troublesome paperwork to rent the place and set the shelter up...paying for the expenses from her life savings, no less! her answer: because she loves the dogs. it's quite insane. it's not something that i would do, but that's maybe because i don't feel quite as much for the dogs. but if the situation was changed, i know what (or who, rather) i'd be willing to give up most things for. and it actually kind of scares me. why would i do that? i've asked (and been asked) that question many times. still no satisfactory answer. well...maybe not knowing is a good thing?

this coming week is going to be interesting. it's university-wide e-learning week, so no classes at all. but that means more time for lab work, which can be seen as both a good and a bad thing. that aside, there's a chem kids dinner on monday, a seminar by this japanese professor on wednesday (my professor is hosting him, so maybe i'll get to practise japanese a little bit), research group dinner on thursday (buffet town!), and first-aid course over friday and the weekend. since i attended (and even presented for) group meeting this past week, i don't feel so guilty about skipping. also have to chase for my NCAP technical (yet another delay!) and apply for NROC certification after the first-aid course. so, with my plans set out before me, i'm hoping that i'll make significant progress with research while training is off. hope the month or so passes soon.

-random thought of the day: The gas cap trick seems to be working!-

If memory serves, the last time i wrote about monday blues was probably in JC. didn't have monday blues in army; they were replaced by book-in blues. and i really don't remember feeling down on many (or any, in fact) mondays during my undergrad period. seems like after such a long absence, monday blues are back with a vengeance. worse is that i'd thought that it was an isolated case, but it seems that this week in general isn't looking too positive either.

on monday, i tried to reach school early. left the house at 9:00am, planned to reach at 9:30am. that would have been achievable by train. well, maybe not, since i walk relatively slowly. but i'd be 5-10 minutes late, tops. it actually took me 45 minutes to get to school, and the experience was made worse by driving in the horrible morning traffic. even today, i set off at 8:00am because i had to reach by 9:00am for NMR training. the traffic was bad enough to make me not enjoy the drive. am i really going to have to leave the house at 7:00am!? somehow, i think the other alternative (come late, go back late) is better. when i get my transponder.

there's something about traffic jams that bring out the worst in drivers. add that to the wet weather today, and driving becomes totally unpleasant. in crowded traffic, drivers will look for all kinds of opportunities to gain an extra car length or two. normally they do it by filtering lanes, which i am fine with (as long as they signal well in advance). however, there's one practice which is the equivalent of cutting queue. let me explain with a real-life example. when going to NUS, there's a junction where i have to turn onto the AYE. it's a 3-lane road, the middle and right lanes are turn-only while the left lane is straight-only. going straight via the left lane leads to some residential place or something (i don't really know as i've never gone there). anyway, the key point is that since most people are turning onto the AYE instead of going straight, the left lane is usually empty. once in a while, some bugger will decide to use the left lane to bypass all the cars waiting in line, and try to slot themselves in close to the traffic light. i get absolutely infuriated when they succeed in cutting in front of me, which is practically all the time since i like to keep some distance between myself and the car in front. if queue-cutting is frowned upon while on foot, why should it be different when in a car? i guess the main reason is that in a car, the other drivers can't retaliate. like if the queue-cutter has got a bit of his vehicle in your lane already, you have to brake, otherwise you're in the wrong in the event of a collision. so, they can get away with it easily. the one way i can think of to stop them is for the driver in front to brake as soon as someone cuts in, though it's unlikely to happen. i mean, if the guy cuts in behind me, i don't lose anything, right? no need to be concerned. the other, more dangerous way is to tailgate. not something that i'd recommend, mind you.

i guess the more fundamental question is, is anyone's time more precious than another person's? obviously, people who do that kind of idiotic thing must believe so. let's say they save about 3 minutes by bypassing a queue of 30 cars. and their cutting displaces the queue by 10 seconds. that's 10 seconds X 30 cars = 300 seconds total cost to society. but i guess most people don't think about that. is saving those few minutes really important? yes, if there's something major that you're rushing for. but how often do things like that occur? the only things i can think of are exams, rushing to the hospital, or rushing to catch a flight. besides, if those things were important to you, you'd probably have prepared well in advance, and not be caught in horrible traffic (or at least have plenty of time to spare for being caught in horrible traffic). looks like i still need to fine tune my departure timing. i know after 10:00am is good, and 8:00am is tolerable. maybe i'll try 7:30am tomorrow...provided i can get up.

actually, my driving problems aren't really problems. they're being amplified by the root problem, which is me feeling off. haven't been able to shake it yet, and that's partially because i can't figure out what may have caused it. that's nagging at me a fair bit. after some analysis, i think it may be residual emo, and some new emo about upcoming events. now that i'm thinking hard about it, i can narrow it down to 2 things. or 2 people, rather. hopefully i can do something about it by this coming week.

to be fair, there has been some good stuff going on as well, though it's smaller in magnitude. i suppose that the biggest piece of good news so far this week is that i've passed my safety test (on the first attempt!) and submitted my transponder form. if i'm REALLY lucky, i may be able to get it by the end of this week. worst case by the end of next week i guess. i really hope it comes as soon as possible. without a transponder, i'm restricted by my seniors' hours. with a transponder, i could stay until 3:00am if i wanted to. not only that, going back on saturdays and sundays would be so much easier. other little things to be happy about include making plans for a chem kids dinner soon, and finding out that the IT service counter in the science co-op gives free coconut sweets. small things like these aren't much, but they do help with the mood. and i'll take whatever help i can get.

the SJI kids just had grading. it was...disastrous, or pretty close to disastrous, at any rate. i think everyone had an off day. statistically, the probability of that happening is ridiculously low, but it happened anyway. the sec 2s were ok i think...minor polishing and they'll make it, easy. favourite SJI boy was definitely off his normal performance. could be because he didn't have his usual partner, or maybe i'm holding him to too-high standards. still, i don't think he's in danger of not passing. the sec 3s, however, stunned me (in a negative way). despite teaching them the syllabus over the past 2 or 3 weeks, they performed so horribly it's as if my teaching them was a hallucination. like i told one of them, they wouldn't pass even though i closed both eyes. not sure what's the reason for the drop in standard. i'm fairly sure it's not an individual problem, since it happened to everyone. hopefully they get it together on saturday, and make up for the substandard performance.

my schedule is still a little foggy at the moment, but i've got most of the major things in place. transponder aside, the biggest thing is that i'm presenting for the upcoming group meeting. got my powerpoint done already...doesn't look that impressive. hope i can add a few more bits of data in over the next few days.

-random thought of the day: The air smells burnt.-