I haven't had much luck with completing a post at home recently, so i'm hoping that a change of venue/environment will help a little. in case you're wondering (which i'm sure you are), i'm blogging from school! it's the first time in my 2.5 semesters in NUS that i'm doing this, and i don't know if it'll be my last or not. before you say how horrible i am for hogging school resources and all that, i'd just like to mention that there are at least 7 other computers which are available for other students' use, and i'm doing work in other windows/tabs as well. besides, from where i'm sitting, i can see about 3 people on facebook, so when in rome...why not?

anyway, back to the point. something tells me that i did a little too much slacking in recess week. right now, it's kind of difficult to overcome the inertia and get back into study mode. and it doesn't help that i've been preoccupied with non-school stuff, either. guess it's time for a reality check, and a reminder to myself that i'm first and foremost a student. my own grades should be my #1 concern, because if i can't even help myself, how can i help others? i have to get more in control of my life. to help me, let's list down some of my recent problems/distractions.

starting with the obvious, we have school, which is a problem and not a distraction. the problem is this: i can't wake up early enough! i suppose this has to do with my late(r) nights during recess week, so i'd better start sleeping early again and hope that my sleep cycle adjusts itself quickly. missing/being late for classes isn't healthy for my grades...or my wallet, for that matter. taxi trips from home to school cost $10 minimum, and even more if the road's crowded.

the next distraction is youtube, and it's partially linked to the above problem. you see, youtube has a vast collection of interesting videos, and the video suggestions system is such that after watching one interesting video, you'll get linked to about 10 more similarly interesting videos. it basically never ends, unless you're linked to the same video posted by a different person or something like that. as you've probably guessed, youtubing is very, VERY time consuming, especially when watching videos that are part of a series, such as hell's kitchen or iron chef (incidentally, it's the various cooking shows that i've been watching endlessly). after watching one episode, you automatically want to watch the next one, just so you know what happened, or to see more of your favourite chef in action.

now, how does that link to the above problem? well, i have a laptop on my bed. get the idea yet? i bet you're all smart enough to add the two together. for some odd reason, i recalled a memory from at least 6 years back. i was probably in my aunt's car when i heard this over the radio, "make your bed a place for sleep, and nothing else.". if memory serves, that came from one of those health bites from 93.8fm, which the radio in my aunt's car is permanently tuned to. that, and the fact that i don't really listen to radios outside of cars, is why i made that link. despite my poor memory, the message remains. and it's good advice! only thing is, it's kind of difficult to stick by it. have to learn that "now" means "NOW!!!" when it comes to bedtime, i guess.

the third thing that's kind-of troubling me is tuition. as you know, i currently have 4 official tuition kids. one's taking O-levels, another's taking promos, while the last two are taking normal end-of-year exams. incidentally, that's how i rank them according to priority, too. i'm not really worried about the last 2, because their exams are relatively minor, and they seem adequately-prepared for their level. RJC girl has shown improvement too (she's now more wiling to answer my questions), so i'm happy about that. SJI boy is...erratic. he gives me a well-done paper one week, and one filled with silly mistakes the next. i know he wants to work hard and score well, but it's difficult to do that when you don't read the question (he has long-question phobia) and miss important key words. as i told him this past sunday, doing one paper while at full alertness beats doing 100 papers while half-asleep. he needs to know his own body cycles and routines better, i guess...though considering how i've missed classes, i'm not very qualified to say that about anyone.

last thing on my mind is, strange and annoying as it sounds, THAT person again. the thing that drives me crazy is that i'm not consciously thinking about them; it just happens out of the blue. example scenario: i'm walking around a shopping mall, quietly doing window shopping. i walk past an interesting thing on display, and my brain goes, 'i wonder if that person would like it?', or i'd be doing work (or at least trying to) and suddenly, i get a mental pop-up window saying, 'how's that person doing now? think they're coping ok? would they need my help?'. there's nothing wrong with thinking about someone, but this shouldn't happen, especially after the outcome of what happened between us (reminder: i posted that i would not get involved in their life, unless they ask). i should get anti-virus and/or spyware blocker for my brain...kind of like eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, which features a process to erase selected memories. if only such things actually existed...but since they don't, i'm going to have to learn how to fend those messages off with a huge (mental) club, preferably with poisoned spikes and other accessories of death and destruction.

i think that i've complained enough for one evening, don't you? besides, it's getting late, and i still have to make the horrible, long journey home in time for a quick dinner and an early night due to morning classes tomorrow. times like these really really make me wish that i had a car of my own that i could use at any time. but it's not a need...it's a want. maybe if i tell myself that enough, i'll actually accept it more than i currently do. bleh.

-random thought of the day: I finished my hydrogen dissociation essay!-

Something about being nicely safe and warm indoors while the weather rages and storms all around outside is incredibly comforting. what's more, it seems that the level of comfort experienced is in direct proportion to the ferocity of the storm outside. right now, the storm has passed (well, it was more of a very heavy rain than an actual storm), and nice, cool weather has been left behind in its wake. as i've mentioned before, this type of weather tends to trigger my blogging impulse. and besides, i feel that i'm way overdue for an update, considering that i'd planned on updating as early this past wednesday.

first of all, cooking was fun! it felt good to actually cook something that tasted halfway decent. even though getting the raw materials (pun intended) cost more than expected, i think that in the end, it was worth it. i should probably mention that the fact that i did my shopping at NTUC instead of giant (there was a jam, and i didn't want to waste more petrol than necessary) probably played a part in the increased cost.

taking reference from gordon ramsay's instructional videos, i made scrambled eggs, as well as two other dishes — one meat, one fish. well...technically, it was three other dishes, since i did fish in two different ways. long story short, everything turned out well, though i noticed that i have the tendency to be a little too heavy-handed with the salt. not to mention that i didn't use any of his fancy herbs and spices...everything was done with simple salt/soy sauce and pepper seasoning. well, it's a learning experience, though i can't figure out how he handles hot food with his bare hands. considering that i'm not down with food poisoning or any such associated diseases even after 2 days, i'd say things went great, especially since i got to relive a bit of my childhood by having one of my favourite types of fish steamed again.

as much as i enjoyed the cooking part, the not-so-great part was washing up. if only they had magical self-washing pans and utensils! if anything is going to make me think twice about living by myself, it's the washing up that i have to do after cooking. perhaps if/when i move in with a roommate/significant other in the future, i'll set it up so that i cook, they clean. if they can't cook, that makes things even better, because they're sort of stuck with cleaning. of course, there's always the option of takeout/takeaway (which is the correct term?) for meals instead.

incidentally, after the cooking experience, i have new-found respect for chefs, hawkers, and people who cook for a living in general. professional cooking is a bit of a guessing game, actually. i mean, presentation counts, so you can't tear up a chunk of meat to find out if it's been properly cooked, as opposed to when cooking for just yourself alone. so, you have to time it, and hope that your timing works. i suppose this comes with experience, and it's not easy! that's why nowadays, i laugh a little less when someone on hell's kitchen messes up.

i'm also quite excited for my little science project. still won't say too much about it, except that it's now growing (literally), and that it's not alive. actually, people with at least sec 3 chem knowledge should be able to make an educated guess as to what it is, but i'm not confirming or denying anything until it's finished.

last item on my to-do list that i want to mention in detail. i'm giving chem consultation to a few judo kids tomorrow. like i've said previously, i like this bunch of J1s, and i'd like to see them promote together...hence the consultation. once again, i can't do this too often, because it would be unfair to my paying kids, especially if they're in judo as well. for some reason, i find myself wanting to teach others. for instance, i walked past the reach family services centre earlier this week, and saw that they were running a secondary academic support program. i was so tempted to go in and ask if i could help out. i don't know...this is weirder than usual, even for me. previously, i've declared that i would never teach in schools, because being a career teacher is unhealthy, in the sense that you have to worry for the students in your classes. even as a tutor, i feel that i've already gone beyond my job scope when dealing with the SJI/CJC kids. so, no thanks to stress. perhaps i shall stick with my plan of becoming a university professor. with such large numbers of students (most of whom you only see for 4 months at a go), it's difficult to form emotional attachments, except maybe for the research group. i don't know...we'll have to see where life takes me.

for once, all of the items on my to-do list have been completed! must be some sort of new record. and yet...there's still stuff that i have to worry about, like the einstein test and presenting the tutorial question on monday, as well as the various other mid-terms that are coming up. still feels that i could have squeezed a bit more time out of this study break, but it's nearly all gone, so no point in wishing/hoping. right now, i want to relax a bit and enjoy the nice weather. i'll put the finishing touches on my lab reports either tomorrow or sunday, and maybe even go back to school to borrow some more books. the ones i borrowed previously are practically useless as references.

-random thought of the day: I'm thinking too much again...-

Recess week is here! ok, it's been here for the past 2 days, but i kept putting blogging off due to fatigue and other such anti-blogging reasons. the timing of recess week is pretty good, too. the stress was building up to unhealthy levels. even though part of this upcoming week will be used for R&R, i can't completely ignore the need to read up for my modules, either. horrible things called mid-terms do exist, after all.

you know, i'm really excited for recess week! i have great plans, though i don't know how many of them will come through. let's just run through the list, to refresh my memory:

- go grocery shopping and cook something!
- go back to school to print some notes and collect my physical chem test paper.

- catch up on sleep.

- provide chem consultation (if required).
- start my little science experiment.

- do up 2 lab reports.
- finish my powerpoint for the SS module tutorial.
- coaching on friday.

it's mainly the first item that's got me excited. definitely been watching too much gordon ramsay. there are a few recipes of his that i want to try out, particularly the scrambled eggs one that i mentioned quite a long time back. at the same time, i'll see what looks good when i'm at the supermarket. never know when inspiration may strike.

the other items are pretty self-explanatory, except maybe for the one about the science experiment. i can't reveal too much about it at this point in time, because i'll end up looking like an idiot if it fails. what i can say, though, is that it's for one of my tuition kids. if all goes well, pictures will be up before the end of the year.

by my own admission, i'm a weird kid. it's not often that i meet someone weirder than me, so i do find myself at a loss when such a situation occurs, as it did last friday. having finished my lab early, i went to kaypoh around the year 1 labs again. as usual, my "good friend" (last semester's inorganic professor) was on duty in the lab. learning from my experience 2 weeks ago (he asked me to leave the class when he saw me talking to the year 1s), i quietly stayed out of his way in the lab techs' room this time, helping to sort lab reports alphabetically by name (hey, i was free!). and yet, trouble (aka. the professor) came looking for me. he asked me what i was doing in the lab, to which i replied that i was visiting the lab techs. he still seemed to have some issue with that, so he went to talk to the lab tech and asked why i had access to the lab reports, and he got told that i was merely helping to sort them out. i think he gave up after that, because he went back to walking around the lab area.

i don't know why he seems to have something in for me. i mean, i understand that he was justified in asking me to leave the other time, because in an extreme case, i could be seen as disrupting the lesson. but this time, i didn't talk to a single student, so i find that he's going a little overboard. even if he was worried that i would sabotage the lab reports somehow, i think he should know that i have no reason to do that, considering that i don't personally know any year 1 students taking this module. besides, they have digital records of the grades. seems like this is one of those legal grey areas. i mean, what i'm doing may not be completely by the book, but it's by no means explicitly wrong, either. the way i see it, we're at an impasse here. the loser will most probably be the one who lets his emotions get the better of him and does something against the university code of conduct (like resort to physical violence). but i doubt it'll go that far, considering i'll never initiate anything like that. besides, chances are he'll be on the losing end of any physical altercation that we may engage in. maybe i should change my visiting day to tuesday, instead, since i'll also be free then. only thing is i'll have to bring my lab coat down, adding extra weight.

in other brighter news, my dad's away in hong kong for a business trip. while his being away is not the good news that i want to share (especially with the recent hong kong shooting...*touch wood*), having the car to myself for the next couple of days is. it's...liberating, in a way, not to have to get clearance for car use. i mean, i'm the only licensed driver around right now, so who's there to ask? that greatly flexibilizes my plans for the next two days (my dad's coming back on tuesday evening/night, so that's when i hand the car back to him). better make full use of my increased mobility. it's kind of bad timing for this to happen during recess week, since i (most likely) won't be rushing anywhere far away. but hey, i'm not complaining! freedom of car use is good, regardless of when it comes.

speaking of the car, i realize that i owe it a huge apology. you see, over the past fortnight, it has somehow acquired two patches of scratches (rhyme!) on/near its left and right rear doors. i don't know about the one on the left, but i'm definitely responsible for the one on the right. if you've seen the car, you'll know that its "hips" are wider than the rest of its body. that makes turning a little challenging, particularly in tight corners. being the genius that i am, i decided to take/make an illegal turn out of the music school carpark after school this past monday (or thursday; i can't remember). little did i know that that inconspicuously-placed, innocuous-looking yellow pole was there to stop people from doing something idiotic like that. halfway through the turn, i heard the dreaded "screech" which meant that i somehow screwed up, and that the car was in pain. as for the patch on the left-hand side, i honestly have no idea how it got there. i'd like to reassure myself by thinking that some random passer-by (instead of me) caused it, or that someone brushed past my dad when he was driving (come to think of it, i sort of remember him telling me something about one of his encounters on the road...just that i don't remember the details). whatever the case, i owe the car a new paint job, or at least a touch-up.

like i said before, having the car to myself is seriously tempting me to push for a car of my own, hence the increased frequency of car research. sadly, the chevrolet aveo5's average price seems to be going steadily up. it's risen about $2000+ in the past 2 months or so. sucks, i know. hope the price falls soon...it would make my argument more convincing.

i'm kind of tired after a full day of tuition, so i think i'll stop here. but before i go, i just want to put on record how grateful and relieved i feel now that SJI boy seems to have woken up and is taking his work seriously. about damned time, too! we had a really productive session today, which actually lasted an hour longer than normal. from what he told me, i understand that his prelim results shocked him into studying. while that's good, i'm now afraid that he takes it to the other extreme and burns out before the exam. this kid really needs to understand the definition of "moderation".

ok. i'm going off, for real this time. i'll need my energy tomorrow to make sure my plans come to fruition.

-random thought of the day: Should I drive down to Giant for grocery shopping?-

Driving to and from school for the past two days is SERIOUSLY increasing my want for a car. take note once again..."want", not "need". anyway, it's quite nice to drive to school in the mornings, because being on the road before going for lectures really wakes me up, and the residual adrenaline from driving helps me to not fall asleep even though the professor(s) may be boring (which i'm not saying they are). in addition, driving back from school cuts down my travelling time by about 50%. not to mention that it gives me a chance to relax, which is something that i really appreciate after a long day of school.

of course, there are downsides as well. have you ever tried driving down lornie/adam/farrer roads in peak-hour traffic? if you haven't, do your sanity a favour and don't try. with the amount of starting and stopping that has to be done, it feels like you're crawling along the road. the only thing worse than driving through those roads at peak hours is driving through those roads at peak hour on manual transmission. i was (and still am) infinitely grateful that the family car runs on automatic transmission.

what's more, i don't know why some drivers can't stand seeing gaps between two successive cars on a crowded road. it's like i leave about a car length's safety distance, and someone will inevitably try to filter in in front of me. does getting ahead by such a small amount really make people that much happier? more importantly, does it significantly reduce the travel time? it might, if done many many times. but just think of the huge safety risk that a driver poses by weaving in and out of traffic. to me, it's not worth it. if someone wants to get ahead of me so badly, by all means...so long as safety isn't compromised.

the next bad thing is parking. thanks to my previous research in anticipation of such an event possibly happening, i knew that parking at the music school would be the cheapest rates (excluding season parking) that i could get. leaving the car in the carpark for about 12.5 hours only costs $3.75, which works out to exactly 30 cents an hour. that's cheaper than HDB coupon parking! of course, season parking will end up being my cheapest option, but that's provided i drive to school and spend an average of 8 hours in school every day. crunching those numbers reveal that parking will then cost about 12 cents an hour which i would consider dirt-cheap. in addition, i'm also free to enter and exit the carpark as i wish (i can't do that for visitor parking, since they charge on a time and per-entry basis).

despite having three paragraphs of bad stuff and one paragraph of good stuff, getting a car (if only for school purposes) is still really tempting. that's because some other good stuff hasn't been mentioned...like the ability to drop your friends off, having a place to throw your bag and other random stuff without needing someone to watch over them, and having the ability to bring lots of stuff without having to lug a huge bag onto the MRT/bus (which i do when going for training). so...yes. maybe i'll start sounding out in october. that's actually a pretty good time, because (1) the P-plates will be off, and (2) it's close to my birthday. wonder how the response will be then?

going to make this update short, because i've already been making a more-than-usual number of typos (most, if not all of which have been magically spellchecked away). and as you know, that only happens when i'm fatigued. guess i should call it an early night, especially since i have my SS module's lecture tomorrow morning. since term started, i think i've only attended alternate weeks' lectures, making my total attendance 50%. not good, especially for a content-heavy module. just as a reminder, i have to put the correct files into my bag before i go to school tomorrow (i forgot to do that this morning, and was note-less for physical chem as a result). i also have to meet my spectroscopy 2 lecturer tomorrow, for a tiny bit of consultation and help in interpreting my lab's NMR spectrum. lastly, i have to flesh out my NMR lab report even more (after meeting with my lecturer, of course) and make more progress on the SS tutorial question which i'm supposed to present two mondays later. definitely have my work cut out for me.

-random thought of the day: I'm feeling the pressure.-

Mmm...the long weekend is about two-thirds over, and i think i've been productive. not at 100% productivity, but productive nonetheless. before i elaborate on my productivity, however, let's tackle last post's next-post prompts.

"sounding board" is probably less depressing, so we'll do that first. to quote wikipedia, a sounding board is "a structure placed above or behind a pulpit or other speaking platform which helps to project the sound of the speaker. the structure may be specially shaped to assist the projection, for example, being formed as a parabolic reflector.". basically, i need one! not in that context, though. a little further down in the article, there is an alternative definition..."to reference one person listening to another person, especially their ideas. when a person listens intently and provides feedback, they provide perspective that otherwise would not be available through introspection or thought alone." THAT'S what i need. someone who is patient enough to listen to my problems/complaints/general unhappiness, open-minded enough not to judge me in the process, and honest enough to give me genuinely good advice on how to solve them, no matter how bad/brutally honest it may have to be. using my facebook friends as a guide, i'd probably say that i only trust 3, or at most 4, out of 330+ people (last count in june or so, not that it's changed, anyway) in my friends list to fulfill such a role. that's like about 1%. so indeed, suitable people are very difficult to find.

as for "falling up", it sounds kind of oxymoronic, unless you're referring to falling up a flight of stairs (which can actually happen). that's not what i'm referring to in this case, though. i'm referring to a theory which i read about — people fall upwards in love. meaning to say that most people fall for someone who is "better" than them in some way...in terms of looks, personality, or some other thing. it does make sense, because we often hear of people trying to pursue someone who should be "unattainable" to them. but here's the question...if people fall up, there must be others who fall down, right? that's only logical. but why would they do that? i mean, from an economic point of view, there's no sense in going for so-called "inferior goods". unless they're falling up, too, but with another aspect. like i fall up for someone for their looks, and they fall up for me in terms of personality...something like that, though the aspects could be different. so perhaps it's true, that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

speaking of falling for someone, i've sort of straightened out my thoughts about the difference between loving someone, and falling in love with someone. the former is more...permanent. to use an example from popular fiction, love is exemplified in the relationship between snape and lily potter. even though she got married and had a kid, snape never stopped loving her, even going as far as to risk his life by working as a double agent. you could argue that he was merely infatuated, but i would think that infatuation would wear off long before the whole "risk your life" thing. when you say you're in love with someone, the same level of commitment isn't present. but then again, i'm probably not the most reliable source when it comes to matters of the heart, considering how spectacularly fail i am at deeper interpersonal relations. bleh. i know that mentioning it was kind of pointless. just had to get that out of my head.

ok...over the past 2 days, i've done (what i personally feel is) quite a lot of stuff. they include about 9 spectroscopy questions, getting started on my 2 lab reports (don't worry, they have staggered deadlines. i'm still on time), as well as the tutorial question for my SS module. outside of school, i've set a test paper for RGS girl, who will be attempting it tomorrow. like i said earlier, i'm not operating at 100% efficiency, but i think i did quite well, if i do say so myself.

in addition, i went to meet up with some of my JC classmates for dinner yesterday. it was kind of spontaneous, because arrangements to meet at 8:00pm were made at around 3:00pm. not that i'm complaining, though. it's good to shake things up a bit. we had a good time over dinner, though finding seats was a real pain, not to mention that we missed a few (ok, a lot of) people. so, we're planning a possible drinking outing next week. hopefully more people attend, though that's provided the plan goes through in the first place.

recess week is around the corner! kind of shocking, isn't it? almost half the semester is over already. in the last week before the break, i have a lab report due, and will be starting on the physical chem experiments. looks manageable. but before all that, there's tuition and a popular visit tomorrow. i won't make the mistake of wearing my black/red shirt to popular again. last time i did that, 3 people mistook me for staff! it was amusing, but not something i want happening again. meanwhile, i have to set the mark scheme and print the test paper before i sleep. any further updates will come (probably) tomorrow.

-random thought of the day: I dreamt about judo. Maybe i should give sode a try.-

Blogger now allows me to track visitor statistics! well, it's been implemented since last week or so, but i keep forgetting to mention it. starting this post by mentioning it ensures that i remember. now blogger is more or less on equal footing with (if not on higher footing than) wordpress, so i'm thankful that i decided not to jump ship. anyway, it's kind of intriguing to see my viewer demographic. from may to september this year, i've had readers from singapore (obviously, since i view the pages myself to check for errors and reminisce), new zealand (i'm guessing it's my cousin), and australia (more cousins). that's all fine and well, but i definitely wasn't expecting to see countries like saudi arabia(!?), denmark, germany, china, switzerland, peru, and canada, not to mention that some of these readers are using various means such as the netscape browser (i thought that particular browser went extinct years ago), ipods, ipads, and firefox (to name a few) to view the blog. i mean...somewhere in the back of my head, i know that anyone/everyone in the world can access my blog through any available method, but i don't really think about it all the time. viewing the reader statistics definitely drives the point home.

other interesting things that blogger keeps track of are referring pages and search keywords. from what i'm seeing, people have linked to my blog from the T20 class blog (which has been dead for coming-to-2 years), as well as from a few of my friends' blogs. even more interestingly, search keywords which people use to locate my blog are my phone number (which was put up in previous template designs), a website of questionable repute (i don't know how or why), the phrases "should i reactivate facebook" (mentioned several times in the past few months), "einstein open up your mind to learning" (i'm guessing it's a combination of the blog title and me talking about my einstein module), "song open up your mind and you feel pretty" (??), "xin wei raffles junior college" (from 2006, and the searcher made a typo in his name), and a few others in chinese/some other language that blogger can't display. most of them make sense, but there are the odd few that have me wondering how my blog is relevant to the search phrase. nevertheless, it was quite entertaining to find out how people stumbled upon this.

the only two things i'm slightly bothered about is that (1) these stats aren't retroactive to when i started the blog, and (2) despite the numerous and diverse viewership, the total number of comments are still low enough to be considered negligible. please note that i said NUMBER of comments. i *do* appreciate the current comments/people who comment, and i don't mean to imply that that the current comments' quality are in any way inferior to any potential comments that i may/may not get. i'm just thinking that it would be nice to get another point of view of my life from someone who doesn't know me personally. though come to think of it, if a random stranger reads through the entire archive from july 2003 up to the most recent post, s/he will more or less know me up to slightly better than casual acquaintance level. personally, i doubt that a random stranger would put in so much time and effort, but who knows? anyway, i guess i'm not really "bothered" by these two things. they're minor to the point of being insignificant. it's just me being picky/difficult.

guilt sucks. i don't mean guilt traps, since i've learnt not to take them too seriously. rather, i'm referring to guilt when something is actually your fault. case in point: this morning. for some reason, i've developed the tendency to oversleep past my alarm. even the threat of the physical chem test today didn't help. by the time i woke up, it was 7:15am, and i was going to be horribly late. out of desperation, i asked my dad to lend me the car, thinking that i would be back home before he had to use it (i have an eight-hour free period on tuesdays, remember?). but by the time i got home at around 10:00am, he was already out of the house. of all the times for me to desperately need the car, it had to be on the day when he had something on in the morning. murphy's law at work again. as a result, i feel horribly guilty because this problem wouldn't even have existed if i had just woken up on time and taken the train. bleh. as for the physical chem test, i think i did ok. managed to complete the paper in time, with no blanks, so that's a relief. i ended up using common sense to answer most of the questions, with occasional theory thrown in. while i'm not expecting full marks, i don't think i'll fail, either. at least that kind of justifies my using the car. i would feel REALLY horrible if i rushed down just to leave blanks everywhere. while there are other things i want to blog about, i'll save those for another day...possibly over the long weekend. as a reminder, i want to talk about sounding boards, and falling up. read out of context, these terms don't make much sense (they're separate topics, by the way). i'll sensify them in the next post. right now, it's time for a quick lunch before i head back to school.

-random thought of the day: I dreamt about ice-skating yesterday.-

When did my weekends turn into a source of stress/unhappiness? last time i checked, they were supposed to be dEstressing, not dIstressing. as you can tell, things were somehow messed up this weekend (or to be more specific, today). for completeness' sake, i'll blog about yesterday as well.

i suppose training would be a good place to start. i'm sore from training! worst thing is, i didn't even do much...just a few laps of moving throws and various other stuff. my hips and knees feel weak. one of the other seniors (who is a physiotherapist-in-training) tells me that it's probably due to overuse. while i would love to stay at home and let the affected parts rest up, school ensures that i can't do that. as a result, i guess i'll have to cope as best as i can, while taking travelling to/from school into account.

tuition yesterday exceeded expectations, as far as first sessions go. remember that i said this MGS girl seemed like somewhat of an anomaly? i was sort of right, because it turns out that she transferred out of the sports school last year, and this is her first year in MGS. so i guess that more time is required for assimilation into the MGS collective hive mind culture. nevertheless, i am extremely grateful that the situation was not as bad as she made it sound over the phone. she's not completely lost...just slightly misguided and confused, that's all. i believe she'll be ok after a few more sessions.

sadly, i couldn't maintain my streak of good tuition sessions. RGS girl still has problems with solubilities and states, as well as question-answering techniques. the latter is mainly due to her slightly poorer command of the english language, which is something that i really hope she'll get over soon. nevertheless, those issues are still ok for now, since she's only sec 3. by this time next year, i expect she'll be much better.

as for SJI boy, i really wish i could say the same thing. i am now seriously starting to panic on his behalf. we arranged for a test today, and i told him i would only set questions on organic, including the topic on macromolecules. at sec 4 level, that's not much. 4 basic functional groups and associated reactions, plus two types of polymerization and examples. not that difficult, right? yet, right now i'm feeling that i just wasted close to 2 hours of my life, and a few litres of petrol to go to his place and have him give me rubbish answers. there were 3 questions, for a mark total of 47. i even included 12 marks' worth of bonus questions, which are not counted in the denominator. that means a perfect answer script would get 59/47. even with all these advantages, i doubt he got more than 15 marks in total.

ok, i'll admit that my test twists concepts around a fair bit, but if you can understand and remember everything i've been explaining, it should be manageable at least, if not downright easy. as evidenced by his answers, he doesn't get the idea! i've stressed so many times that boiling and melting points depend on the strength of the intermolecular forces, and he's still talking about C–H and C–Cl bonds being broken (it was a question on substituted methane derivatives)! do you know how close i was to losing my temper when i saw that!? yes, i know as a tutor, i shouldn't get angry if a student doesn't understand a concept. but it's hard to remind yourself of that fact when you see such an idiotic error, especially when you've mentioned it at least 4 times previously. personally, i do not think my test is of unreasonable standards. if it was given as an open-book, getting above 80% is not just within reach, it's practically expected. nevertheless, in the interest of fairness, i shall print another copy and let my friend (who's an O-level chem tutor as well) look through it tomorrow.

sometimes, especially in situations like this one, i wonder whether i'm being evil and setting too-high standards. am i asking my students to do the impossible? personally, i feel that my questions are reasonable. my teaching philosophy is that i want the kids to UNDERSTAND the subject, not just absorb the information as useless facts to be thrown away after the exam. somehow, it's not working. am i doing anything wrong? if yes, what is it? or are the kids (this kid, in particular,) too slack? i really wish someone could tell me what i have to do to improve. maybe i should change my tagline. "chem is brainless" has a sort of hidden implication that the student doesn't need to put in effort in order to score well. while that was true for me at O- and A-levels, it doesn't work for everyone. maybe i should say "chem is brainless, only if you REALLY understand it". i don't know...maybe it's because the kids see it as just another subject that they have to do. they don't have the interest, the eagerness to learn more that was somehow imparted to me. and i can't blame them, either. if half of what they tell me about their chem teachers is true, i can understand why they just treat it as any other subject. or maybe they think having tuition is a miracle solution (chem pun! solution, get it?) for all their problems. well, it's a solution, but it's by no means miraculous. like someone told me before, tuition is 50-50 between student and tutor. both have to put in effort for it to work out. there's nothing i can actually do if the kid is slack. well, i could drop him/her, but that's only as a super-desperate last resort.

that aside, the kyu-grade competition was also held today. i was late due to tuition, and arrived just in time to watch the closing bows. seems that there was a lack of competitors this year, because it used to go on until at least 4:00pm when i was in JC. from what i heard, we did pretty well. 3 golds, a couple of silvers and maybe a few bronzes(?). not a bad showing for the new J1 kids. after the competition, we floated around bedok before i went to tampines to meet part of the group that had splintered off. while in bedok, one of the other seniors commented that he felt unsafe/afraid when being my passenger. it's not the most flattering thing to hear, but at least he was honest. being myself, and not a neutral observer, it's more difficult for me to see my own faults, so i'm definitely grateful for the feedback. despite that, a part of me still wants to deny his assertion. guess that's the pride talking. looks like i have a lot of improving to do, especially now that the P-plates will come off in about a month's time(!).

some posts back, i've mentioned that you can lead a horse to water, but you can't force it to drink. i find that to be increasingly true when interacting with the judo kids. it kind of sucks when your (my) kind intentions are rebuffed. like one other senior (who's still my junior). he somehow got a mild concussion or something like that while competing earlier. i told him that i would drop him off at home, but he wanted to take the train instead. do you know how frustrating it was? on one hand, i can understand his need for alone time to review his performance after the competition. but from a coach's point of view, his safety and well-being both override that. even though he's not under my charge, i would still feel horrible (not to mention partially responsible) if *touch wood* he collapsed in the train while going home. thankfully, he reached home with no major incident, so that's one load off my mind.

when going out with the juniors after training, i'm starting to feel more and more like a third wheel. somehow, i just don't fit in all that well with them. most of the other seniors (the ones who attend training regularly, anyway) don't seem to have this problem. it's rather sucky, and even more so because i can't find a rational explanation. i'm ok with them (well, most of them) on a one-to-one basis. so why does the group dynamic change? maybe they bond better with each other than they do with me, hence the lack of inclusion. whatever the case, i think that it's not entirely right, but not entirely wrong, either. after all, my days as an active member are over. come to think of it, i didn't even bond that much with people from my year, so a five-year age gap shouldn't really improve my odds. as a consequence, this has led to reduced enthusiasm to go for training on my part. i mean, the judo aspect is still good with the other seniors around, but the social aspect is a little...off-putting. no point going for something which i don't fully enjoy, right?

i'm sure that everyone can complete this idiom, "do unto others as...". in most of my actions as a senior, i've tried to bear that in mind...as in i try to be like the senior which i wish i'd had when i was a student and practising judo. maybe that's what's causing the problem. either my perception of the "ideal senior" is/was severely twisted, or "ideal senior" criteria has changed over time. as a point of reference, my ideal senior must/should:

- be concerned about my development in the CCA, and be able to provide guidance.
- care for my welfare in other areas (eg. academics). exactly which other aspects depends on our closeness.
- motivate me when i'm feeling at less-than-100%.
- not go completely easy on me, but not go all out to kill me, either.
- fulfill an elder sibling/close cousin type of role.
- impart life lessons and other wise-sounding stuff.
- do what's best for me, even though i may disagree. of course, this is very subjective.
- offer help whenever convenient. going the extra mile is a bonus.

that's all the stuff i can think of off the top of my head. of course, this is idealized and personal, so it's definitely not a must-follow thing. to me, these are the basic things that a good senior should do. personally, i think that i've done most of them, but perhaps overly so. i guess that exceeding expectations isn't good in this case. as much as i want to, i can't force my care/concern on people who don't want it. that's something i guess i still have to learn. as it is, i've sort of paid the price once already this year. perhaps i need a cooling-off period from the kids, or something similar. or maybe i just need to change my outlook/mindset. i should stop focusing on those who don't/won't take my assistance, but on those who do. you know, optimizing the efficiency and all that. even then, my stand remains — i will always be available to lend a hand, but only if they ask for it. no matter how much i want to dive in, i have to learn to restrain myself, because ultimately, it's better that way.

quick update on the upcoming week! it's the september holidays, so i hope the congestion on the buses and trains will be reduced. it so happens that friday is a public holiday, so the schoolkids got conned of one day's holiday. cheap thrills for me, i know. anyway, i'm grateful that's it's a four-day week, since that gives me more time to work on my lab reports and various other assorted assignments. not to mention that the week looks potentially taxing, with one confirmed and one tentative test on tuesday. bearing that in mind, i'm certainly not going to complain about having an additional day to rest and catch up on whatever has slipped by me. for now, i'm going to call it an early night, because i'll need the energy to stay late in school tomorrow to study physical chem.

-random thought of the day: I really don't know what to do...-

"On the bus, i realized that i could still see the sun on the way home. that hasn't happened on a schoolday for close to 2 weeks! since i have more free time than usual, i thought i'd do a mid-week post to just free up some brain space for the work i'll be doing later.

but before all that, i just want to mention that Anton Geesink passed away. i'm willing to bet that at least 90% of readers won't know who he is prior to reading this post. anyway, he was a dutch judo player (IJF 10th dan) who stunned the world when he beat the japanese at their own sport. despite that, he was greatly respected in japan, because of the incident which i'm about to relate. in the 1961 judo world championships (or maybe it was the 1964 olympics...i can't remember), he won the gold medal. after the gold-medal match, his coach and supporters tried to rush onto the mats to celebrate with him, only for him to do this:

to make it a little clearer, he's not asking for a high-five. rather, he stopped the horde of people and waved them back because the closing bows had not been completed yet. this awareness of and sensitivity towards japanese culture won him the japanese people's (and 40-odd years later, my) respect. part of the reason i've mentioned this is because i respect him. the other part is that i think that the juniors could learn a thing or two about the more philosophical/cultural, non-competitive side of judo. things like respecting your opponent and the sport, to name something that's been featured prominently in my experiences of the past 2 weeks."

the italicized text above was from a post which i started yesterday, but never got round to publishing. somehow, work (and writer's block) got in the way. at least it's up now, so you'll know about one of the western judo legends. as for today, i got home while the sun was up, but it's almost set by now. yes, that was a completely random and pointless fact, which i only put there to tie in with yesterday's post.

recently, my want-list has been growing longer. i've been disillusioned enough to no longer believe in wishlists, because nobody gets you (or me) anything that you (or i) put up. anyway, topping that list is a car, which i will not discuss in detail. i'm sure you're tired of hearing me repeatedly weighing pros and cons as far as that's concerned. there is a new development though; i saw a nissan hatchback called the latio. makes me wonder if the engineers misspelled "ratio", or tried to give it a more singaporean feel. i went to check the prices, but sadly, it's way out of my budget. looks like i'm back to watching the chevrolets. don't know why, but i have this inexplicable attraction to it.

speaking of cars, let me digress a little. some drivers believe that cars have personalities of their own. as unscientific as it seems, i tend to believe it as well, due to my experience interacting with several cars. for instance, my boss' old altis didn't really like me. luckily, his new wish seems to like/tolerate me better. as for the family car, it's treating me well, though i wish its fuel consumption was a little lower. i hear that if you're driving your own car, you can do things that other drivers driving your car wouldn't be able to do...like getting extra distance out of the same amount of fuel, and generally having the car perform better. while it sounds far-fetched, i'm inclined to believe it's at least partially because you spend the most time with your car, so you know all the little tricks that will give better performance. too bad i can't test this theory yet...not until i get my own car, anyway.

look somewhere further down the list, and you'll find a laptop...the fujitsu tablet, to be precise. i know i don't NEED it, because i've been surviving without using a laptop for work-related purposes for slightly more than a year. but trying it out at the IT co-op was fun. i'm actually impressed that it could recognize my messy scribbling, and quite accurately to boot! so, there's that as well. funny, isn't it? as we grow older, the things we want increase in price. then again, i suppose it's natural.

due to the sheer amount of things happening and my limited memory space, i can't remember them all. my mind is more preoccupied with deadlines than anything else. let's move away from past happenings (since i don't think most of them are that interesting, anyway) and talk about the present/future. but before that, the one thing i DO remember about last week was approaching my physical chem tutor for help in the module. when i checked my email inbox a few minutes ago, i was pleasantly surprised (and incredibly touched) to see that he actually dropped me an email, enquiring about how i was coping. man, that's the kind of teacher/tutor-figure i want to be like. only thing is, i don't know if my students will appreciate me doing that like i appreciate him doing that for me. the odds aren't high, though, considering i didn't get any teachers' day messages. i'm not complaining, mind you, since i have repeatedly proclaimed that i'm not a teacher. i don't need the recognition. but since there's no such thing as tutors' day, teachers' day is the closest thing. oh well. coaches' day is coming up next friday, so there's a second chance, i guess.

it's kind of weird. this is the fourth week of school, and yet, i feel that i've learnt less as compared to the same time period last year. it simply doesn't make sense, because in addition to my longer schooldays, i KNOW that we've been doing a lot in lectures. maybe it's a sign that i'm adapting to university life even more. one thing that i have to change, though, is my sleeping hours. i get about 6 to 7 hours of sleep on most days, which is good. what isn't good is that my sleeping time tends to start after 12:00am. add 7 hours to that (and a bit more for snoozing the alarm), and you can probably see why i'm usually late for my 8:00am lectures. as of now, i'll try to be in bed by 11:30pm latest. hopefully that will improve things.

i don't think i've mentioned that i have a potential (but most probably confirmed) new tuition kid. well, i do. this new girl is sec 3 this year, from MGS. she kind of intrigues me. all of the MGS girls i know (which comes to a grand total of 4, but anyway...) speak with a kind of accent that isn't really typically singaporean. on the contrary, this girl sounds more heartlander than anything else. of course, this doesn't say anything about her ability. i'll judge that when we meet each other. the major turn-off is that she lives in tampines...so that's going to add lots of distance to the odometer, unless i reshuffle the order which i'm seeing the kids. maybe RGS girl in the morning, followed by this new kid, then RJC girl, and SJI boy for last? i think that would work out fine (for me, at least), but i have to take their schedules into account, too. i'm not too worried about MGS, because one of my best female friends and two of the judo juniors are (well, were) from there. past experience shows i get along with MGS girls just fine.

this week, i'm shaking things up a little. variety is the spice of life, after all. for the first time in about 2 years, i'll give tuition on a saturday. that means that i probably won't join the judo kids for their weekly outing, as i have to meet MGS girl (who, i say again, lives in TAMPINES) at 3:00pm. on sunday, i have to meet RGS girl at 9:00am, and SJI boy at around 11:00am. RJC girl is getting a break this week, seeing as i don't really have anything new to teach her just yet. the reason why i've tried to clear my sunday afternoon is because the kyu-grade competition is on, and i want to go down to watch/support the kids. not to mention i need the evening free to (1) drop by my friend's place to copy the big bang theory, and (2) spend some quality time with my newly-purchased physical chem book. have to do well for the coming tuesday's test.

-random thought of the day: My thoughts are disjointed.-