You all know what time it is, folks. it briefly occurred to me that today's not just the end of the year, but also the end of a decade. so, perhaps i'll have a little extra bit for that.

to start, i was kind of undecided on this year's theme. eventually, i decided to go with "false starts". it's pretty self-explanatory, i think. this year was supposed to be me breaking free from the sanctuary of NUS and starting the journey of my adult life, being a productive member of society, earning money and becoming independent...all that jazz. that didn't happen. or rather, it didn't happen to the extent/degree that i envisioned.

let's talk about work first. i've had and lost my first full-time job within the span of a year. it's an experience that not everyone goes through. i have to remind myself that this isn't a failure on my end, but just a setback - one of many that i'll meet in life. i've come to terms that being a patent attorney may not be the best career choice for me. i mean, although the pay was leaning to the higher end, i found myself consistently working extra hours, being stressed out, having to negotiate minor office politics, and just being generally unhappy...all while still on probation! plus, the reading and literature searches were taxing. i enjoy reading scientific papers and finding out about new technology, but not when there are deadlines to be observed and details to be scrutinized. there were several silver linings, though; i learnt about the patent system in singapore and in some of the surrounding countries, and that gives me added knowledge. i had good colleagues that made work easier, and who were appropriately sympathetic when regaled with my experiences with my mentor. we're not in touch now, but i don't blame them. after all, everyone has their own lives to lead. as for my mentor/superiors there, i'm grateful for the life lessons that interacting with them has taught me. the corporate world is less friendly, less forgiving, and more demanding. having said that, i hope i never cross paths with them again...especially the person who was supposed to be my mentor. don't get me wrong, i don't wish her ill, but neither do i wish her well. i'm basically indifferent to her. like, if she needed a favour from me (and was thick-skinned enough to approach me), i wouldn't go out of my way at all to do anything, no matter the consequences for her. similarly, i'd never approach her for anything. i just hope that we don't have any mutual connections beyond the people from the firm.

on the other hand, my time at the learning lab has been far more enjoyable. might be because the job is demanding in a way that i can better handle, or because it's more within my comfort zone/realm of experience. and very likely because i have less responsibility there. not to mention the great colleagues, and the infinitely better mentor! i do know that while i like the job, i don't like it enough to make a full-time career out of it. so that's another learning point.

nothing new on the relationship front. i'm not surprised, since i haven't really been putting myself on the market. but i didn't plan on getting into a relationship, anyway. i mean, if one came along my way, i wouldn't mind...but i didn't have a goal/objective of being partnered this year. i do think that i do have much to work on before being mentally ready for a relationship. that kind of ties on to the next thing, which is...

...my physical condition. i'm grateful for a year of no serious illnesses. the most i had were some stomach bugs and the occasional cold/flu. while my body appears to be running just fine, i'm still not in good shape. that's because i've not been putting in the requisite effort to exercise and all that. it's due to both laziness and depression, though i cannot say which contributed more. although i've made a start my consciously choosing to eat more healthily, the exercise component will be something that i have to work harder on in the new year and beyond. mentally, i won't deny that my confidence took a (severe) beating from the job issue. i find it quite odd that i was able to survive all the failure encountered during grad school, but not at that job. maybe because i knew that my professor would always have my back. anyway. throughout the year, i've also found myself increasingly wanting to live alone. there are push and pull factors, as with most things, but the factors are primarily "push" in this particular case. i think that it would be better for me to live away from the people that i'm forced to share living space with right now, and i'll work towards that goal in future.

friends-wise, it's been an ok year. we (some of the chemistry guys) did go to china to celebrate our friend's wedding, and i think that those were some of the happiest days of my year. unfortunately, we haven't had the chance to meet up for almost half a year, if not more. i don't blame them - work and/or married life is bound to keep people busy. we've got an open date to meet, but i suppose it also depends when everyone's schedules align. as usual, scary JC friend and i maintained our friendship, and i think we even got a little closer due to her starting to date my secondary school friend at the beginning of the year. it's nice how we're not always at the foreground of each others' lives, but can be relied upon to appear if needed.

continuing on the topic of friendships, one of the things that seem to have worked out for the better this year is joining the present guild in final fantasy. i think having relatively older people be in charge helps to keep the environment drama-free. i've met most of the core team in real life already, save for the few who are overseas, and i think that helped to establish some trust as well. not going to be melodramatic and say that they saved me from depression or anything like that, but they sure helped to lift my spirits and make the game more enjoyable.

now, to very quickly look at the past decade on a whole. i've accomplished a fair bit. i mean, didn't save the world or anything, but i think that i did well in some areas, not so well for others. i suppose i would count my biggest achievement as graduating (twice!) from NUS. i also got my black belt in judo, although that won't be used any more. there were many firsts, like first time travelling overseas alone, owning my first car, first time moving house, first time in a relationship, first time breaking up. along the way, i've had my moments of brilliance, but i've also made decisions that were unwise, risky, even downright stupid. luckily, those bad decisions didn't result in any major consequence. all in all, i think that compared to 21 year-old me, 31 year-old me is wiser, calmer, more ready to listen and less ready to act rashly. those are the good things. the bad things include being more injured and many kilos heavier. can't do much about the former, but there's still hope for the latter. don't want 41 year-old me to look back in 10 year's time and regret even more, right?

so, i guess i'll end it here. i'm still alive, so there's always the possibility to improve my current situation. have to elaborate on things i can do to that effect tomorrow.

-random thought of the day: Remain positive!-

Little update to cover a few things which i feel won't fit into tomorrow's post.

this past saturday, we had an extended family lunch organized by my aunt. there were 4 babies in attendance. FOUR! makes me feel old. my eldest niece doesn't seem to remember me, and that's probably because i haven't been visiting her often. as heartless as it'll make me sound, i don't feel any particularly strong feelings of attachment/affection to the other 3 babies there. i mean, i'd be happy to be the uncle that drops in occasionally to play with them, or like, babysit them once or twice a year. but i wouldn't want to be around them all the time. could it be my relationship with their parents? don't get me wrong, we get along well enough as cousins, but there are different levels of closeness even then. should bear in mind that parents (and teachers) aren't supposed to have favourites, but they always do, deep down. the key is to not make it apparent or let it affect parenting/teaching. that should apply across to uncle-hood too.

plan "get lawyer guy a present" kind of backfired. i think he felt uncomfortable that i spent real-life cash on him, though it was under SGD 10. he also maxed out his second class, which means there really isn't much reason for us to be partying together to do content. well, he did start a third class, but he boosted it to level 70. i think we've got pretty different objectives in-game. he seems to be all about the raiding, whereas raiding is but just one part of the game for me. and you know how i feel about people skipping the story and boosting characters. but still, it's not my account, and those are legitimate services offered by the developers anyway. i think that nothing will come out of this romantically, but he's still a nice person and guildmate. going to just zen out and not close off the possibility of us ending up together, but also not go after it too much.

i had a bit of a kaypoh moment and went to take a look at the guild which kicked me out. the sad thing i noticed was that a lot of the characters with administrative powers were alternate characters belonging to the guild master. well...maybe it's for the best that i left. i doubt i'd be able to progress far with that kind of organizational structure. the master's another one who believes in paying real money to get an in-game advantage. thankfully, while final fantasy is "pay to get ahead", it's not "pay to win". another thing i noticed was that most of the people i saw when i joined the guild had also left. and superficial as it sounds, the guy who i kind of was attracted to suddenly looks less attractive. might also be his personality, which i'm realizing is not really what i'm looking for in a long-term partner. sure, he's got many virtues, but the overall pieces of his puzzle don't fit well with mine, for lack of a better analogy.

guess that's it for now. year-end post coming within the next 24 hours!

-random thought of the day: Sleep schedule is still off.-

Merry christmas! or happy holidays, if you don't celebrate...you get the idea. don't really feel all too festive this year, not even when CNY is exactly a month away. but that's par for the course for the past 5 years or so. not sure about the direction in which i want to take this post, so be prepared for disjointed thoughts.

was talking to an in-game friend in final fantasy a couple of days ago. i was telling her (yes, girls who game do exist) about my recent spate of weird dreams. she thinks that it's got to do with unresolved issues. seems to be the story of my life for this year. i don't know if that's really the cause of my dreams, though. if that were the case, wouldn't i be dreaming of those unresolved issues, instead of things from the past like my A-levels, and most recently, about my thesis comments and defense? i don't know. this dreaming thing isn't an exact science. maybe the link is more subtle/hidden. although i don't see what links i have with the mafia, to be dreaming of them...

didn't do much for christmas this year, as you might have guessed. only gave one christmas gift so far, and that's to my learning lab mentor. she continues to be amazing in terms of supporting me and being available when i need advice, and i think that people like her are a key reason for employee retainment in any organization. if only my mentor in the IP firm was like her, or even half as good...but i'll blog about that in the year-end post. am considering gifting lawyer guy something in-game, like an emote, but i don't know if it'll be seen as too forward, or unwelcome, or somehow make him feel obligated to give me something back. to look at it more positively, it may be a talking point, or it may be something that brings us closer. might as well, right, since i'm also planning to get some stuff for myself. maybe the trick is to choose something not too expensive, but that he'll (hopefully) like.

this gifting thing led to me thinking if i'm placing too much emphasis/focus on the wrong people. you know how it's like people say that we tend to spend our time/money/resources impressing the people who don't actually matter, while neglecting those who do matter? yeah, like that. not saying that it's the right thing to do, but my guess is we do that because the people who shouldn't matter actually do matter in a different way. like, say, your boss, who writes your appraisal. or that guy/girl you're chasing in the hope that s/he ends up being the love of your life. hope i haven't been (too) guilty of that. although it's difficult sometimes, because people have their own lives to lead as well, and not everyone is stuck in limbo like me. having said that, perhaps i should check in on the chemistry guys. it's been a while since we last met.

there's a practice of shortening words and phrases when texting. shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who's been exposed to technology from the past 10 years. i feel that some of these contractions are genuinely useful, but not so much for others. recently, a common thing is to shorten the word "sorry" to "sry". and just like with "you" to "u", this annoys me by a disproportionate amount. i mean, it's just an omission of 2 letters, right? what's the big deal? i can't explain it completely, but my current thought is that it makes the apology less meaningful, somehow. i don't know. maybe i'm thinking too much here. it's been known to happen.

very unexpectedly, N messaged me earlier today. if memory serves, we haven't talked, let alone met up, for more than a year. he just wanted to check in, which i thought was a nice gesture. like i mentioned before, i don't think our friendship really recovered from what happened back then. maybe it's just me...i don't feel that close to him any more. the next logical question to ask, i guess, is whether i want to spend the required time and effort to rebuild this friendship. i feel pretty ambivalent about it, and that kind of speaks for itself. well...what will be, will be.

-random thought of the day: Why do my keyboard and mouse feel sticky?-

Feeling a little conflicted now, and it's probably not helped by the less-than-restful sleep that i've been getting. seriously, i've had weird dreams every single night for at least the past week. perhaps i need to change something up in my daily routine...maybe sleeping and waking times?

so, i'd guess the main reason for these conflicted feelings is that what i think i should do doesn't match up with what i'd like to do. i'd like to just tell lawyer guy that i'm interested in him, and hopefully he'd be agreeable to at least give dating a try. but i think that i shouldn't rock the boat now, for reasons amply expounded upon in previous posts. it's not helping that i'm getting irrational feelings of...worry? possessiveness? fear (of losing time with him)? due to some circumstances in-game. a part of me wonders if i should just tell him, get rejected, and move on, but another part of me kind of wants to keep the hope alive.

you know, there are 2 main schools of thought when it comes to people wanting things (including relationships). one school is "if it's meant to be yours, it will be yours eventually". that's kind of passive. the contrasting alternative is "you should fight for what you want". i guess that's the philosophy that gave rise to homewreckers. not to say that the third party is always solely to blame; after all, cheating requires consent from both parties involved in the affair. my own view is a mix of the two - "what's meant to be yours will come to you eventually, but there are things you can do to speed up the process/increase your odds". it's the "lead a horse to water" thing again. everything you want can be placed in front of you, but you have to reach out for them, too. maybe now you can see why i'm having trouble waiting despite it being the "right" thing to do. but knowing myself, there is a more-than-average chance i'll mess things up more if i take any action. so, i guess it just boils down to me having to convince myself that waiting is the best possible thing that i can do at this point. as you can see, it's not always easy.

i met scary JC friend and our mutual friend this past thursday for afternoon beer, which turned into afternoon margaritas because the beer place they wanted to go to was closed. note to self: afternoon alcohol is a bad idea. could also have been me drinking on an empty stomach. anyway, moral of the story is to avoid alcohol as much as possible. i don't quite understand why people like getting drunk, especially since the recovery becomes so much rougher with age. we spent close to 5 hours chatting about several things, mostly about finance-related stuff, since our friend is an insurance agent and remiser. he was telling us about how some people around our age had quite sizeable stock portfolios, and about some others who could live comfortably off their stock dividends alone, and about a friend of his in goldman-sachs who made $6000 a month as an intern. it made me feel inadequate/behind in a way, because i honestly don't have much to my name. without doing detailed calculations, i'd guess that my net worth is under $50000. then again, i should also remember than i am relatively unburdened. no mouths to feed or anything like that. i'll talk about it more in my end-of-year post, but perhaps this year can be regarded as a break of sorts.

the meeting also (re-)confirmed something for me - that i've been gaining weight. it's due to me being not very active in the latter half of this year. while i know that at least a part of it is attributable to that bout of depression, it still feels like i'm making excuses. depression as a reason for not doing something sounds so flimsy to me. might be because i've only been exposed to the "suck it up" mentality that's typical of asian upbringing, and serving NS, which reinforced that mindset. honestly, even today, i still don't get why some people had so much difficulty adapting to regimented army life, like staying in camp. but well...i think that the reminder for myself here would be that just because i don't see/experience a problem, doesn't mean that the problem doesn't exist. everyone processes things differently, and we should have empathy towards others. makes me wonder where we draw the line between accommodating people and calling them out for faking/being too entitled, but that's a topic for another day.

back to my main point - i should do something about it. from previous experience, i tend to go at it too hard and fast, and end up burning out. that results in an unsustainable regimen, or worse, injuries. so, the plan is to (do my best to) ignore judgmental looks from others in the gym, and lift whatever weight i feel that i'm capable of. in addition, i'll aim to do workouts at fixed times each day. figure it's easier to get into a routine that way. will also look into stuff outside of the gym, maybe walks along the park connector. this will help add some variety to the mix. and most importantly, to be super disciplined when it comes to food. if i want to see a change, i'll have to commit to making it happen. right now, i have anywhere between 4 to 9 months left in singapore, depending on which path to japan opens up. regardless, my aim is to end up in japan in 2020. so, the idea is to use my remaining time in singapore to get in better shape. it really is quite downing to notice the changes over a few months. will probably elaborate on this in a future post.

for now, i'll just relax and attempt to find peace for the lawyer guy situation. am kind of considering talking to the guild leader about it, but i don't think that i'll take that step unless something really necessitates it.

-random thought of the day: My gel wrist rest is leaking.-

Going to avoid blogging about lawyer guy for a change, and blog about some other thoughts instead.

been doing meal prep for this past month, but with a difference. previously, i'd tried to incorporate a variety of vegetables and proteins into my plans, but i realized that that was more trouble than it was worth. so, i've taken a more simple approach: 2 types of vegetables, 2 types of fish. decided to cut chicken out because fish is supposedly healthier, although i'm not 100% sure of that now, with the stories about toxic norwegian farmed salmon and all...but i shall choose to believe that the AVA is being vigilant and not allowing poisoned fish to reach consumers. so, the plan now is to have 2 containers of food to mix every day - a lunchbox of mixed mushroom saute, and a larger container of boiled cabbage (inspired by the TCM therapist's 水煮白菜 story). doesn't sound the most appetizing, but i find it palatable enough. yes, i'm technically cheating by counting "mixed mushrooms" as one vegetable, but it's just a minor detail. the quantities work out such that about $80 worth of groceries lasts for about 1 to 1.5 weeks, meaning that each meal costs in the neighbourhood of $5. not bad, if i do say so myself. i also had an interesting learning moment while doing the previous round of meal prep. i must have been off of my cooking game or something, because i grossly oversalted the mushrooms. in a rare moment of genius, i didn't salt the boiled cabbage at all. when the two were combined together and reheated, the salt balanced out just fine. maybe it's my mind playing tricks on me, but i felt that this method allowed me to taste the sweetness of the cabbage better. should try it again.

another thing i learned about cooking, in conjunction with seasoning less, is the power of bones. so because i buy whole fish, the people at the fish counter also give me the heads and backbones of the fish after they've processed it for me. i usually throw the bones in together with the cabbage and let it all boil together, and it tastes good. since i didn't season the pot so strongly last time, i was able to taste a more pronounced fish flavour in the soup/water. as pretentious/poncey as it'll make me sound, the fish flavour came through from the soup as quite light and delicate. it was probably hidden by the other seasonings that i normally used, so i'm probably going to go lighter on the seasoning from now on. i wonder if i've been taking the western cooking maxim of "season well or else it'll be tasteless" too far.

decided to cut back on the whole fermentation thing. my objective for doing it was to make vegetables taste better, and to have a ready source of snack food on standby. yeah...turns out that i still don't really care for munching on raw vegetables. i mean, the fermentation did make them taste (marginally) better, and i quite enjoyed the added sourness. but overall, it was still rather one-dimensional. i guess it just didn't live up to my expectations. would pickling be better? apart from the lack of interesting taste, the quantity/volume of production was another issue too; i was consuming the vegetables far too slowly. it was to the point where my sauerkraut turned alcoholic, and mould began to grow in my jar of fermented carrots/celery. yes, i hear all of you yelling for me to put them in the fridge to slow the fermentation process and prevent mould growth, but nah. i've still got fermented onions from more than a month ago in there! only the jar of fermented garlic continues to survive well under room conditions, and that's probably only because garlic is antibacterial/antifungal/antimicrobial...anti-something, anyway. so, the takeaway here is to be more judicious with quantities, a kilo at a time should be fine. same for the fermented drinks - i'm making more than i consume, and that throws off the time that they're left to ferment, which in turn throws off the taste. should reduce the volumes by half.

had a brief email exchange with the learning lab HR yesterday. they're interested to renew my contract, but they won't give me additional teaching hours. as much as i'm disappointed by that, i'll still end up continuing with them. after all, some income beats no income, right? i'll probably confirm it with them tomorrow, and ask for placement for ad-hoc classes again. hopefully that will go some way to adding to my salary.

considering that work was one of the major events of the year, it will certainly make an appearance in my end-of-year post. but i want to talk a bit about something related to it, so that it takes up less space later. a couple of posts ago, i prompted myself to blog about liking something, and being good at it. in an ideal world, a person's job would be something that they liked, and something that they're good at. even more ideally, they should be good at all aspects of their job. like, i should be good at teaching all aspects of chemistry, and thankfully, i am...i think. well, for O-level standard, anyway. if you've been reading long enough, you'd know that physical chemistry has been the bane of my entire chemistry career. in the later part of undergrad and for grad school, i was fortunate to be able to choose to specialize in synthetic chemistry - something which i both enjoyed and had a decent aptitude for. or to put another spin on it, i was fortunate to be able to put massive distance between myself and physical chemistry. in the context of the IP firm, being a patent attorney involves several things. there's the filing and conforming the specification to singapore law part, to which i was amply exposed. i think i could have gotten pretty good at it, given a gentler learning curve and slightly more support. another pretty significant aspect of the job is the drafting aspect, where a client comes to you with an invention, and you're responsible for drawing up the specification, ie. you're responsible for determining the extent of protection to which the client is legally entitled. as you can probably imagine, that's highly stressful and requires great skill and experience...and something that i don't think i'd like. so, maybe it's for the best that i didn't pursue the patent attorney route. the other option, if i'm still set on the IP industry, would be to look into becoming a patent examiner. unfortunately, IPOS rejected me already earlier this year, so we'll see how that track develops in the future.

but bringing it back to things you like/things that you're good at, i think there's some truth to the observation that you don't like the things that you're bad at. like, i was never able to "see" physical chemistry concepts like i do for organic chemistry. and unfortunately, i never found a teacher/professor who was able to make me see it either. same thing for fitness. i enjoy lifting weights, but hate cardio. as much as i'd like to generalize and say that everyone hates cardio, i know people who can run for seemingly forever, enjoying themselves every step of the way. again, there are exceptions, i suck at art, but do enjoy doodling here and there, even if i know that my work will never make it to an art contest, let alone a gallery. but that's more of a casual pursuit.

just going to blog about a weird dream before going off. i dreamt that i was an executioner. in singapore, the death penalty is carried out via hanging. in my dream, the death penalty was carried out by using a drill press (those big benchtop drills i remember from D&T class in secondary school) to drill into the convicted person's skull. don't want to speculate about the implications of that on my mental state, but yes. i don't recall everything, but i do recall having to execute a secondary school friend. i even asked my senior executioner to mark the spot that would cause the least pain/make the process as quick as possible. the advice was to follow the mouth/jawline up to the temple, and drill through there. don't know how accurate that is, and please don't go trying it out. there was a lot of crying (both me and him), and he told me to get it over with and that he didn't blame me. think i woke up before the actual act, which was a relief. the weird thing is that while the dream seems to suggest unresolved guilt on my end (manifesting as him forgiving me), i haven't done anything to wrong this particular friend. in fact, we have a pretty good friendship despite infrequent contact, so i have no idea what my brain is on about. oh well.

-random thought of the day: Meeting scary JC friend tomorrow!-

Brain dump time again. should probably have posted this last night before going to bed, because i still had some weird dreams. there were 2 dreams, the first involving a hotel of some sort, with some cool features. i don't even remember what the features were, but i remember being impressed. the second dream was more unpleasant, in that my aunt somehow found out about the ex, and took everything badly...to the extent of trying to force me to show her the contents of my google drive (which has nothing incriminating, by the way). and my older cousin called my JC schoolmate's phone to tell me that he'd sold 1500 insurance policies, which is so random! besides, i'm sure he's sold more than that over the past 3-4 years.

had a really long conversation with lawyer guy in-game last night. without going into details for privacy reasons, i know that that he's definitely into girls. he never mentioned anything about guys, so i want to remain optimistic, yet don't want to assume/hope for too much. this means his "profile" (for lack of a better word) ranges from straight ally to potentially bi. could be gay and previously confused, but let's stick to more realistic/likely options. not sure if i don't want to accept reality or if there's really still a chance for me to pursue a relationship with him. he did say that he's not looking for a relationship at present, but he seems to be keeping an open mind about it, like if it happens, it happens. issue is, are guys included in that realm of possibility?

what does this mean for me? i guess it means that i shouldn't get my hopes up too high. it's difficult, though, because the conversation revealed that he's got a very mature mindset/perspective - which is a highly attractive quality! my analyses from previous interactions still stand; that i should probably just enjoy what we have going on, and try to know him more/more about him. if we can't end up as partners, i think we might still be good friends. oh well. as always, reminder to self to manage expectations.

kind of interesting to imagine what would be the outcome if i was forthright in expressing my interest to lawyer guy. some people have this dissonance which can be easily described by the phrase "can, just don't hit on me". i have very supportive (straight) friends who got super freaked out when a gay guy hit on them once. it's been years since then, so it's more of a funny memory now. i wonder if lawyer guy belongs in this category? well...just a fun thought.

another school of thought, if you will, is something that one of my married friends said - that he's fine with LGBT people, but if he had a choice, he'd rather his kid be "normal", aka. straight. as bad as it sounds, i can understand his feelings. in fact, if i were to have kids, i'd hope that they ended up straight too. not that i'm ashamed or harbour any negative feelings towards my own orientation, but i think that it's just easier for straight people in society. having said that, there are pluses to being non-straight, or indeed, being in any minority. you learn acceptance way earlier and more quickly. nevertheless, i'm pretty sure that if any of my friend's kids does turn out not-straight, he'd still love them the same. and should it really happen, at least i can be a source of information for his family.

i was just thinking, there are actually multiple kinds of attraction. the friendly kind, like with the chemistry guys, scary JC friend etc.; romantic, as with the ex back when he wasn't the ex; physical/sexual, as with towards people that you (i) think are good-looking. i think that it's ideal to feel all these kinds of attraction (and possibly some other kinds) towards a partner. of course, it's highly subjective, like asexual people probably don't feel physical attraction to their partners, but i don't think it diminishes their love in any way. what i've been thinking about is whether it's possible to transition between levels. of course, we know the stories of friends who fall in love gradually over time. in those cases, were romantic feelings there from the start and just hidden? or did they suddenly come into existence? it's hard to say, especially since there's no scientific method of proving/disproving anything. should also bear in mind that some people are better at certain levels, in terms of their interaction with you. for instance, scary JC friend is perfect at the "best friend"/"non-biological sister" tier relative to me. as great as she is, we both agreed that we'd be best off where we are right now. i imagine we'd kill each other if we dated. similarly, it might end up being the case that lawyer guy and i are best off as good/close friends. only time will tell, i suppose.

on a more generic note, i think that it's possible to separate physical and romantic attraction. the descriptors/identifiers we use for sexuality are usually assumed to extend to romantic attraction as well, but that may not always be the case. like, someone can be heteroromantic asexual. i interpret that to mean that such a person would still enjoy going on dates, having someone to confide in, and basically most aspects of a "regular" relationship, except the bedroom aspect. i was thinking about it, and i think that under the right circumstances, i could see myself dating a girl. not getting intimate with her, though. if i wanted to be really particular about it, i suppose it would be more accurate to say that i'm biromantic homosexual. at the same time, the physical aspect of a relationship is important to me as well, as you can see from what happened with the ex. so, to make things simpler, just going by "gay" is fine with me. i wonder if this is approaching SJW "i identify as an apache helicopter" territory. i mean, it doesn't fall beyond the realm of the believable, but it might be considered to be nitpicky or fussy or making a mountain out of a molehill. ah well.

this grew longer than i'd expected! well, guess i'd better publish and see what there is to do on a nice cool rainy sunday.

-random thought of the day: Am I thinking too much?-

20 more days until the end of the year, and end-of-year post thoughts are making themselves known in my head. but that comes later, as it always does. let's talk about some things a little closer to the present.

still having weird dreams, though i forgot what went on in most of them already. the mafia one that was briefly mentioned in the last post had something to do with thugs in purple pinstriped suits. if you've played city of heroes, these thugs looked like enemies from the faction known as "the family", which is modelled after italian-american gangsters in the 1920s, which is in turn based on the actual italian mafia. although finer details elude me, i remember that there was a strong theme of betrayal in that dream. more recently, i had a very emotionally-charged dream a couple of nights ago. not in a bad way, but more like a thriller/action-packed thing? unfortunately, i don't remember anything else about it.

interesting development in the final fantasy world - i was offered (and i accepted) a position of slight responsibility in the guild. considering that i've been a member for only...5-ish months maybe, the offer was quite surprising. it doesn't change much in terms of how i play the game, just that i'll be helping out a little more in guild events and perhaps in interacting with new members. i think i can well handle that. by some stroke of luck/fate/whatever, lawyer guy was also made the same offer, and he took it up. it doesn't say much, but i view it as good for our interaction, since we may have opportunities to work closely in future.

while on the topic of online gaming, there was a bit of guild drama over the past few days (not involving me). the way the leadership handled it was admirable, and in addition to the trust that they've shown me by offering me a minor position, i think that i may have found a permanent home in-game. even if i have to stop playing due to circumstances beyond my control (such as work, but touch wood), i think that some of the guild members would make good real-life friends too. in an ideal world, lawyer guy would be my partner, but again, reality check. another good thing that came out of this drama was that the leadership clarified that their anti-discrimination policy extends to orientation as well. what's even better is that lawyer guy was quite vocal in support for LGBT people. it doesn't say anything about his own orientation, of course, and i feel like our interaction has not yet progressed to a point where it'd be acceptable for me to ask him about it. it does give me hope, though. i also know that when i feel ready to come out to them, it'll be taken well - or at least not taken poorly. i'm in two minds about writing the next bit, because it can be used for nefarious purposes. but for the sake of education, i think i'll go ahead. for any straight people reading this, a good way to make someone you think might be LGBT feel safe, and possibly come out to you, is to show your support to the community. not necessarily to the person him/herself directly, but just general affirmations of acceptance and support. having said that, don't expect/demand for people to come out to you. it's entirely their decision. and for LGBT people reading this, exercise your ability to judge and assess a person's character. there is a certain proportion of people who may use similar strategies to earn your trust, and eventually use the knowledge of your orientation for blackmail, intimidation, etc. while i hope you never encounter such people, i feel it's also my responsibility to tell you that these people do exist, and if you're not quite ready to come out to someone yet, don't. it's probably your self-preservation instinct trying to protect you. of course, this doesn't apply to you if you're already out, loud, and proud. in which case, more power to you. i'm not quite there myself, unfortunately.

the rainy season's started! it's been raining every morning since monday, and sometimes during the afternoons/nights too. i think the temperature's around the mid-20s in the daytime? such a refreshing change from hot and humid. it did make going out these past 2 days infinitesimally more difficult, but i had lunch appointments to keep - one with the kurash people to celebrate our silver medal from the SEA games, and one super last-minute one with some of the cat high old boys. should remember that some social interaction is nice.

not much to update on work news...still in the waiting period for JET, and no reply from the chocolate place. not sure if they thought i was trolling them by applying for an apprentice position or what (it was the only opening they'd posted), but yes. it seems like nothing will come out of that. i'm disappointed, but it's not the end of the world. thankfully, the learning lab pays me well enough (relative to hours worked), and my expenses are low enough that i've been able to just tap lightly on my savings each month so far. of course, it's not sustainable long-term, and i will have to boost my savings soon. again, hopefully through JET.

did a facebook cull over the weekend. i was a bit more hard-hearted this time, and removed some people that i'd let pass through previous exercises. that resulted in my friend list shrinking by 28 people, from various chapters of life. there were a couple of main criteria - how long we hadn't interacted (mutually, of course, i don't unfriend someone just because they don't respond to my posts), and their facebook activity/content posted. notably, i either unfriended or unfollowed a lot of people from the judo world, because judo brings back unpleasant memories at this time. i used to wonder how some of my friends could bring themselves to stop after getting their black belt, because the idea of falling out of love with judo was so foreign to me then. eventually, i realized that the sport didn't change fundamentally, but that there were several other factors at play, like how the people in charge choose to run the federation. so...i think that it's time for me to formally bid goodbye to singapore judo. this step comes perhaps a tad too late, as i haven't been involved with them for the past 5-6 years. of course, i will still continue to treasure the genuine friendships that were made, although it kind of worries me that the only thing i share in common with some of these friends is judo. not sure how we'll proceed from here, but hey - if the friendship is meant to be, it'll find a way.

-random thought of the day: Blog about liking something and being good at it.-

Serendipitously, the ending of my last post (about having to teach the concept of genetic inheritance to the tuition kids) segues nicely into the topic of why i won't have kids. to fulfill a promise to myself to have that post out by the end of the year, i figure that i'd better stop procrastinating, and get to writing it. some other blogging prompts which i want to talk about (maybe in a separate post if this one gets too long) are the weird mafia dream that i had, what i discovered while cooking, and certain lifestyle changes that i have to make.

as posts with controversial opinions often do, i'll start with a disclaimer. this is my perspective, brought about by the unique combination of my experiences and way of thought. i'm not trying to discourage people from having kids. besides, this is just the rambling of some random on the internet. if reading this makes you second-guess your decision to have kids, perhaps you're not entirely ready for it? having said that, moving on!

let's start with factors affecting me personally that's led to my decision not to have kids. the most obvious one is probably the biological factor, and how it's not possible for 2 biological males to have kids. sure, there's talk about alternative methods of conception, like surrogacy, or even transforming stem cells into egg cells. but i doubt that the stem cell technology will become commercially available within the next 10 to 20 years. and even if it was possible and proven safe, i wouldn't use it either. on a related tangent to biology, i suppose we could explore genetics too. i don't think i'm much of a human specimen. i mean, sure, i'm healthy(-ish), but there's nothing outstanding about me. i don't have any useful genetic traits (such as unique antibodies in my blood) which i feel are worthy to pass on to the next generation. there's a point about passing on my way of thinking, which i'll discuss later.

the next aspect i'd like to discuss is societal/economic. i will say that i'm lucky to be born into a economically prosperous and relatively developed society. objectively speaking, being born in singapore greatly improves a child's chances of not living in poverty. i was going to say "of succeeding in life", but the definition of success is a whole other argument which i don't want to explore here. so, it may be argued that it's my responsibility to have a child as it would have a good start in life, and it would also help to boost the falling national birth rate. i'll address those points later. for now, i want to look at the negative side of having a child in singapore. firstly, with a relatively affluent society comes a correspondingly higher cost of living. last i heard, it takes over a million dollars to raise a child in singapore, from conception to university graduation. this doesn't even factor in the cost of a house, a car, or any personal expenses for the parents. long story short, unless one/both parents can make buckets of money, there is no possibility of early retirement. for me personally, being behind in terms of career and work experience, i don't think i fall into the "buckets of money" category.

there is also tremendous pressure on kids in singapore, with the bulk of it coming from academics. i am lucky to be slightly more academically-inclined, and even then, i didn't escape the education system unscathed - my bad dreams about the A-levels would attest to that. when i was growing up, it was possible to have a child start formal education at kindergarten, ie. K1 was the first time a child was placed in an organized school environment. these days, a child that starts off at kindergarten would be considered behind his/her peers. there's nursery school, pre-nursery, and even this thing called "playgroup" for kids 2 to 3 years old. it's quite scary, come to think of it. i don't think it's right/fair to subject a child to this sort of pressure. expanding on the social aspect in my specific context, i don't want kids also because there's nobody i'd trust or be willing to impose upon to take care of them. most people would say, "get your parents involved, most older folk would love to have grandkids!". if someone actually said that to me, i'd probably just laugh, maybe even derisively if that person knows me well. i mean, come on. i'm seeing a counsellor for trauma sustained when i was a child. do you think i'd entrust my kids to the source of my trauma? there's the option of hiring a domestic helper or sending the child to daycare, but i find that these routes result in less active parenting, which can be argued to be necessary in singapore these days, but which i still don't like.

other factors which don't fall into the above categories include things like my personal temperament. i know that i don't have the patience or the temperament to deal with children 24/7. sure, i can be nice and goofy with my friends' and relatives' kids, but that's only because i see them for a short while each time, so my exposure is limited. yes, i'm aware that people say that your temperament changes when you become a parent and have kids of your own, but what if mine doesn't? i don't want to produce a kid that ultimately ends up feeling/being unwanted. that would be the height of irresponsibility. like i've mentioned before, i used to want a pet, specifically, a dog. but volunteering at the dog shelter showed me how much effort, time, and money goes into taking care of a dog. can you imagine how much more effort, time, and money a kid would require? not to mention that bringing up a kid is infinitely more complex than taking care of a dog. you don't have to worry about a dog's education, or how the dog will survive after you're gone, because odds are you'll outlive it anyway. if things really don't work out, you could put the dog up for adoption, hand it over to a shelter, or in the extreme worst case, have it put down. for the record, let me just state unequivocally that i do not approve of unnecessary euthanasia of pets. back to the point i'm trying to make - you can't do any of those options for humans! well, i mean you can put a child up for adoption, but it's different. human thoughts are more complex than an animal's, and it's more difficult to undo the trauma that that would cause.

maybe we should go back to first principles and ask why people even have kids in the first place. well, the obvious answer would be to ensure the continuation of the human race. and if you're chinese, there's the added bit about continuing the family name too. while that is true, it is also not relevant in today's world. although the birth rate is falling in singapore (and several other developed societies, eg. japan), the planet on a whole is facing overpopulation. my proposed (but probably unfeasible) solution is to have people in more affluent countries adopt children whose parents may not be able to take care of them. this idea also runs into some other issues. a year or so back, i was talking to a friend whose fiancee at the time (wife now) didn't want kids. somehow, the conversation went to me asking him if he'd consider adoption, to which he flat out refused. it was kind of puzzling to me, to want kids yet be unwilling to adopt. then he explained it to me - he wanted to pass on his genes, and to have a "mini-me" whose mind he could mould and shape. while i respect his right to have his own viewpoint, i cannot agree with it. although people say that parenting is the ultimate act of selflessness, it seems to me that it can be extremely selfish as well, depending on your reasons for having a kid. some people consider their kids as "insurance policies" - they expect their kid to provide for them financially when they get old and can no longer work. the typical asian argument is that kids owe their lives to their parents, filial piety blah blah. my usual counterargument to that is that kids never asked to be born. in fact, their coming into existence is the one thing that was totally out of their control! this leads me to the logical conclusion that parents shouldn't expect their kids to take care of them. however, if brought up right, i'm sure that kids would be willing to care for their parents in some way.

it then leads to a somewhat linked thought - should all people be allowed to have kids? the reflexive answer is yes, because it seems to be a basic human right. as far as i know, no country has laws against people having kids. but if you remove all emotion and approach it from a logical point of view, some people are probably better off not having kids. the examples i can think of are people with genetic disorders, and people who are unable to properly care/provide for their kids. yet, there'll be an outcry if it's suggested that some people shouldn't have kids. in today's world, it's up to the parents to decide, i suppose. but i do find it kind of sad that any male and female with functioning reproductive systems can have kids, no matter how unprepared they might be emotionally, mentally, financially, etc. on the other hand, couples who want children but can't conceive due to whatever reason (infertility, same-sex couples) have to jump through so many hoops and pass stringent background tests before they're allowed to adopt. you may say that no couple is ever fully prepared for the challenges of parenthood, and again, i'd agree with you. i'd also say that there are different levels of preparedness. to use the analogy of going for an exam, there's going in and being sure that you'll ace the paper; going in and finding the paper tough, but knowing you'll scrape by; being uncertain if you'll end up with a pass or a fail; and knowing that you're so horribly screwed, you just start laughing at the questions. if i had my way, everyone who wanted kids would have to take a parenthood preparedness test, and have their ability to provide for their kids assessed as well. but since i don't have my way, i guess nothing will change in the foreseeable future.

having liberally doused the idea of having kids in cold water, i will, in the interest of fairness, say that under the right circumstances, having kids can be a great blessing. i'm at the age where i have some friends posting pictures of them with their parents, others posting pictures of them and their kids, and some even posting pictures of all 3 generations together. i imagine it must be immensely fulfilling to see a life that you've nurtured grow and develop. and, if parents have good values and outlooks on life, the world as a whole would benefit. ideally, the world would be full of happy families, although i do know that there's no such thing as 100% happiness 100% of the time. in fact, i was really surprised to learn that a friend of mine, who by all accounts is in a happy marriage which has produced several children, has had bad arguments with the spouse, to the point of both people screaming at each other. but i guess it's part and parcel of the whole experience.

to bring this back to my personal context, while i don't think that i'd make a good parent in terms of the day-to-day caring for a child, i do think that my ideas and values (well, most of them, anyway) are worth passing on. maybe that's why i've been involved in teaching? admittedly, i may not be able to influence students as much as i'd like due to the limited contact. but if having less influencing power is the tradeoff that makes non-constant contact possible, i'm all for it. hopefully i'll get across to a few kids, at least. i wonder, though, if there's any set of circumstances under which i'd have kids? at this point in time, i'd say that such circumstances don't exist. not even if my partner wants a child, i think. remember my friend from a few paragraphs up, the one who has differing views from his wife? ultimately, he said that while he would try to convince his wife to have kids, he wouldn't force the issue if his wife was adamant about it. his reason being that his wife is already such a major source of happiness for him, he would rather never know the experience of parenthood than give her up. i think it's a really sweet sentiment, and the one that does the least harm. it's better that he "suffers" alone than his wife and potential future child suffering, i think. his "suffer" is in quotes because apart from that, he's very happy with his situation. so, if my future partner wants kids, we'll have to have a very serious discussion. having said that, the old axiom applies - never say never. it's like 99.9% certain now, but i don't know what the future holds.

at 2241 words (and counting), this is the most i've written in a while. better sum things up and finish. again, my goal is not to discourage people from having kids. if anything, i hope that people who read this post will do lots of thinking, and carefully weigh the pros and cons of having kids before actually doing so. of course, not forgetting to evaluate their own preparedness and readiness too. above all, i hope that parents never make their kids feel unwanted, or be negative role models for their kids. saying things in the heat of the moment, or in a fit of anger is not excusable at all. but at the end of the day, whether or not a couple has kids is entirely out of my control. so don't read this and come saying that i'm deterring you from having kids. with that, i guess i'll stop this post here.

-random thought of the day: We won a silver medal!-