Serendipitously, the ending of my last post (about having to teach the concept of genetic inheritance to the tuition kids) segues nicely into the topic of why i won't have kids. to fulfill a promise to myself to have that post out by the end of the year, i figure that i'd better stop procrastinating, and get to writing it. some other blogging prompts which i want to talk about (maybe in a separate post if this one gets too long) are the weird mafia dream that i had, what i discovered while cooking, and certain lifestyle changes that i have to make.
as posts with controversial opinions often do, i'll start with a disclaimer. this is my perspective, brought about by the unique combination of my experiences and way of thought. i'm not trying to discourage people from having kids. besides, this is just the rambling of some random on the internet. if reading this makes you second-guess your decision to have kids, perhaps you're not entirely ready for it? having said that, moving on!
let's start with factors affecting me personally that's led to my decision not to have kids. the most obvious one is probably the biological factor, and how it's not possible for 2 biological males to have kids. sure, there's talk about alternative methods of conception, like surrogacy, or even transforming stem cells into egg cells. but i doubt that the stem cell technology will become commercially available within the next 10 to 20 years. and even if it was possible and proven safe, i wouldn't use it either. on a related tangent to biology, i suppose we could explore genetics too. i don't think i'm much of a human specimen. i mean, sure, i'm healthy(-ish), but there's nothing outstanding about me. i don't have any useful genetic traits (such as unique antibodies in my blood) which i feel are worthy to pass on to the next generation. there's a point about passing on my way of thinking, which i'll discuss later.
the next aspect i'd like to discuss is societal/economic. i will say that i'm lucky to be born into a economically prosperous and relatively developed society. objectively speaking, being born in singapore greatly improves a child's chances of not living in poverty. i was going to say "of succeeding in life", but the definition of success is a whole other argument which i don't want to explore here. so, it may be argued that it's my responsibility to have a child as it would have a good start in life, and it would also help to boost the falling national birth rate. i'll address those points later. for now, i want to look at the negative side of having a child in singapore. firstly, with a relatively affluent society comes a correspondingly higher cost of living. last i heard, it takes over a million dollars to raise a child in singapore, from conception to university graduation. this doesn't even factor in the cost of a house, a car, or any personal expenses for the parents. long story short, unless one/both parents can make buckets of money, there is no possibility of early retirement. for me personally, being behind in terms of career and work experience, i don't think i fall into the "buckets of money" category.
there is also tremendous pressure on kids in singapore, with the bulk of it coming from academics. i am lucky to be slightly more academically-inclined, and even then, i didn't escape the education system unscathed - my bad dreams about the A-levels would attest to that. when i was growing up, it was possible to have a child start formal education at kindergarten, ie. K1 was the first time a child was placed in an organized school environment. these days, a child that starts off at kindergarten would be considered behind his/her peers. there's nursery school, pre-nursery, and even this thing called "playgroup" for kids 2 to 3 years old. it's quite scary, come to think of it. i don't think it's right/fair to subject a child to this sort of pressure. expanding on the social aspect in my specific context, i don't want kids also because there's nobody i'd trust or be willing to impose upon to take care of them. most people would say, "get your parents involved, most older folk would love to have grandkids!". if someone actually said that to me, i'd probably just laugh, maybe even derisively if that person knows me well. i mean, come on. i'm seeing a counsellor for trauma sustained when i was a child. do you think i'd entrust my kids to the source of my trauma? there's the option of hiring a domestic helper or sending the child to daycare, but i find that these routes result in less active parenting, which can be argued to be necessary in singapore these days, but which i still don't like.
other factors which don't fall into the above categories include things like my personal temperament. i know that i don't have the patience or the temperament to deal with children 24/7. sure, i can be nice and goofy with my friends' and relatives' kids, but that's only because i see them for a short while each time, so my exposure is limited. yes, i'm aware that people say that your temperament changes when you become a parent and have kids of your own, but what if mine doesn't? i don't want to produce a kid that ultimately ends up feeling/being unwanted. that would be the height of irresponsibility. like i've mentioned before, i used to want a pet, specifically, a dog. but volunteering at the dog shelter showed me how much effort, time, and money goes into taking care of a dog. can you imagine how much more effort, time, and money a kid would require? not to mention that bringing up a kid is infinitely more complex than taking care of a dog. you don't have to worry about a dog's education, or how the dog will survive after you're gone, because odds are you'll outlive it anyway. if things really don't work out, you could put the dog up for adoption, hand it over to a shelter, or in the extreme worst case, have it put down. for the record, let me just state unequivocally that i do not approve of unnecessary euthanasia of pets. back to the point i'm trying to make - you can't do any of those options for humans! well, i mean you can put a child up for adoption, but it's different. human thoughts are more complex than an animal's, and it's more difficult to undo the trauma that that would cause.
maybe we should go back to first principles and ask why people even have kids in the first place. well, the obvious answer would be to ensure the continuation of the human race. and if you're chinese, there's the added bit about continuing the family name too. while that is true, it is also not relevant in today's world. although the birth rate is falling in singapore (and several other developed societies, eg. japan), the planet on a whole is facing overpopulation. my proposed (but probably unfeasible) solution is to have people in more affluent countries adopt children whose parents may not be able to take care of them. this idea also runs into some other issues. a year or so back, i was talking to a friend whose fiancee at the time (wife now) didn't want kids. somehow, the conversation went to me asking him if he'd consider adoption, to which he flat out refused. it was kind of puzzling to me, to want kids yet be unwilling to adopt. then he explained it to me - he wanted to pass on his genes, and to have a "mini-me" whose mind he could mould and shape. while i respect his right to have his own viewpoint, i cannot agree with it. although people say that parenting is the ultimate act of selflessness, it seems to me that it can be extremely selfish as well, depending on your reasons for having a kid. some people consider their kids as "insurance policies" - they expect their kid to provide for them financially when they get old and can no longer work. the typical asian argument is that kids owe their lives to their parents, filial piety blah blah. my usual counterargument to that is that kids never asked to be born. in fact, their coming into existence is the one thing that was totally out of their control! this leads me to the logical conclusion that parents shouldn't expect their kids to take care of them. however, if brought up right, i'm sure that kids would be willing to care for their parents in some way.
it then leads to a somewhat linked thought - should all people be allowed to have kids? the reflexive answer is yes, because it seems to be a basic human right. as far as i know, no country has laws against people having kids. but if you remove all emotion and approach it from a logical point of view, some people are probably better off not having kids. the examples i can think of are people with genetic disorders, and people who are unable to properly care/provide for their kids. yet, there'll be an outcry if it's suggested that some people shouldn't have kids. in today's world, it's up to the parents to decide, i suppose. but i do find it kind of sad that any male and female with functioning reproductive systems can have kids, no matter how unprepared they might be emotionally, mentally, financially, etc. on the other hand, couples who want children but can't conceive due to whatever reason (infertility, same-sex couples) have to jump through so many hoops and pass stringent background tests before they're allowed to adopt. you may say that no couple is ever fully prepared for the challenges of parenthood, and again, i'd agree with you. i'd also say that there are different levels of preparedness. to use the analogy of going for an exam, there's going in and being sure that you'll ace the paper; going in and finding the paper tough, but knowing you'll scrape by; being uncertain if you'll end up with a pass or a fail; and knowing that you're so horribly screwed, you just start laughing at the questions. if i had my way, everyone who wanted kids would have to take a parenthood preparedness test, and have their ability to provide for their kids assessed as well. but since i don't have my way, i guess nothing will change in the foreseeable future.
having liberally doused the idea of having kids in cold water, i will, in the interest of fairness, say that under the right circumstances, having kids can be a great blessing. i'm at the age where i have some friends posting pictures of them with their parents, others posting pictures of them and their kids, and some even posting pictures of all 3 generations together. i imagine it must be immensely fulfilling to see a life that you've nurtured grow and develop. and, if parents have good values and outlooks on life, the world as a whole would benefit. ideally, the world would be full of happy families, although i do know that there's no such thing as 100% happiness 100% of the time. in fact, i was really surprised to learn that a friend of mine, who by all accounts is in a happy marriage which has produced several children, has had bad arguments with the spouse, to the point of both people screaming at each other. but i guess it's part and parcel of the whole experience.
to bring this back to my personal context, while i don't think that i'd make a good parent in terms of the day-to-day caring for a child, i do think that my ideas and values (well, most of them, anyway) are worth passing on. maybe that's why i've been involved in teaching? admittedly, i may not be able to influence students as much as i'd like due to the limited contact. but if having less influencing power is the tradeoff that makes non-constant contact possible, i'm all for it. hopefully i'll get across to a few kids, at least. i wonder, though, if there's any set of circumstances under which i'd have kids? at this point in time, i'd say that such circumstances don't exist. not even if my partner wants a child, i think. remember my friend from a few paragraphs up, the one who has differing views from his wife? ultimately, he said that while he would try to convince his wife to have kids, he wouldn't force the issue if his wife was adamant about it. his reason being that his wife is already such a major source of happiness for him, he would rather never know the experience of parenthood than give her up. i think it's a really sweet sentiment, and the one that does the least harm. it's better that he "suffers" alone than his wife and potential future child suffering, i think. his "suffer" is in quotes because apart from that, he's very happy with his situation. so, if my future partner wants kids, we'll have to have a very serious discussion. having said that, the old axiom applies - never say never. it's like 99.9% certain now, but i don't know what the future holds.
at 2241 words (and counting), this is the most i've written in a while. better sum things up and finish. again, my goal is not to discourage people from having kids. if anything, i hope that people who read this post will do lots of thinking, and carefully weigh the pros and cons of having kids before actually doing so. of course, not forgetting to evaluate their own preparedness and readiness too. above all, i hope that parents never make their kids feel unwanted, or be negative role models for their kids. saying things in the heat of the moment, or in a fit of anger is not excusable at all. but at the end of the day, whether or not a couple has kids is entirely out of my control. so don't read this and come saying that i'm deterring you from having kids. with that, i guess i'll stop this post here.
as posts with controversial opinions often do, i'll start with a disclaimer. this is my perspective, brought about by the unique combination of my experiences and way of thought. i'm not trying to discourage people from having kids. besides, this is just the rambling of some random on the internet. if reading this makes you second-guess your decision to have kids, perhaps you're not entirely ready for it? having said that, moving on!
let's start with factors affecting me personally that's led to my decision not to have kids. the most obvious one is probably the biological factor, and how it's not possible for 2 biological males to have kids. sure, there's talk about alternative methods of conception, like surrogacy, or even transforming stem cells into egg cells. but i doubt that the stem cell technology will become commercially available within the next 10 to 20 years. and even if it was possible and proven safe, i wouldn't use it either. on a related tangent to biology, i suppose we could explore genetics too. i don't think i'm much of a human specimen. i mean, sure, i'm healthy(-ish), but there's nothing outstanding about me. i don't have any useful genetic traits (such as unique antibodies in my blood) which i feel are worthy to pass on to the next generation. there's a point about passing on my way of thinking, which i'll discuss later.
the next aspect i'd like to discuss is societal/economic. i will say that i'm lucky to be born into a economically prosperous and relatively developed society. objectively speaking, being born in singapore greatly improves a child's chances of not living in poverty. i was going to say "of succeeding in life", but the definition of success is a whole other argument which i don't want to explore here. so, it may be argued that it's my responsibility to have a child as it would have a good start in life, and it would also help to boost the falling national birth rate. i'll address those points later. for now, i want to look at the negative side of having a child in singapore. firstly, with a relatively affluent society comes a correspondingly higher cost of living. last i heard, it takes over a million dollars to raise a child in singapore, from conception to university graduation. this doesn't even factor in the cost of a house, a car, or any personal expenses for the parents. long story short, unless one/both parents can make buckets of money, there is no possibility of early retirement. for me personally, being behind in terms of career and work experience, i don't think i fall into the "buckets of money" category.
there is also tremendous pressure on kids in singapore, with the bulk of it coming from academics. i am lucky to be slightly more academically-inclined, and even then, i didn't escape the education system unscathed - my bad dreams about the A-levels would attest to that. when i was growing up, it was possible to have a child start formal education at kindergarten, ie. K1 was the first time a child was placed in an organized school environment. these days, a child that starts off at kindergarten would be considered behind his/her peers. there's nursery school, pre-nursery, and even this thing called "playgroup" for kids 2 to 3 years old. it's quite scary, come to think of it. i don't think it's right/fair to subject a child to this sort of pressure. expanding on the social aspect in my specific context, i don't want kids also because there's nobody i'd trust or be willing to impose upon to take care of them. most people would say, "get your parents involved, most older folk would love to have grandkids!". if someone actually said that to me, i'd probably just laugh, maybe even derisively if that person knows me well. i mean, come on. i'm seeing a counsellor for trauma sustained when i was a child. do you think i'd entrust my kids to the source of my trauma? there's the option of hiring a domestic helper or sending the child to daycare, but i find that these routes result in less active parenting, which can be argued to be necessary in singapore these days, but which i still don't like.
other factors which don't fall into the above categories include things like my personal temperament. i know that i don't have the patience or the temperament to deal with children 24/7. sure, i can be nice and goofy with my friends' and relatives' kids, but that's only because i see them for a short while each time, so my exposure is limited. yes, i'm aware that people say that your temperament changes when you become a parent and have kids of your own, but what if mine doesn't? i don't want to produce a kid that ultimately ends up feeling/being unwanted. that would be the height of irresponsibility. like i've mentioned before, i used to want a pet, specifically, a dog. but volunteering at the dog shelter showed me how much effort, time, and money goes into taking care of a dog. can you imagine how much more effort, time, and money a kid would require? not to mention that bringing up a kid is infinitely more complex than taking care of a dog. you don't have to worry about a dog's education, or how the dog will survive after you're gone, because odds are you'll outlive it anyway. if things really don't work out, you could put the dog up for adoption, hand it over to a shelter, or in the extreme worst case, have it put down. for the record, let me just state unequivocally that i do not approve of unnecessary euthanasia of pets. back to the point i'm trying to make - you can't do any of those options for humans! well, i mean you can put a child up for adoption, but it's different. human thoughts are more complex than an animal's, and it's more difficult to undo the trauma that that would cause.
maybe we should go back to first principles and ask why people even have kids in the first place. well, the obvious answer would be to ensure the continuation of the human race. and if you're chinese, there's the added bit about continuing the family name too. while that is true, it is also not relevant in today's world. although the birth rate is falling in singapore (and several other developed societies, eg. japan), the planet on a whole is facing overpopulation. my proposed (but probably unfeasible) solution is to have people in more affluent countries adopt children whose parents may not be able to take care of them. this idea also runs into some other issues. a year or so back, i was talking to a friend whose fiancee at the time (wife now) didn't want kids. somehow, the conversation went to me asking him if he'd consider adoption, to which he flat out refused. it was kind of puzzling to me, to want kids yet be unwilling to adopt. then he explained it to me - he wanted to pass on his genes, and to have a "mini-me" whose mind he could mould and shape. while i respect his right to have his own viewpoint, i cannot agree with it. although people say that parenting is the ultimate act of selflessness, it seems to me that it can be extremely selfish as well, depending on your reasons for having a kid. some people consider their kids as "insurance policies" - they expect their kid to provide for them financially when they get old and can no longer work. the typical asian argument is that kids owe their lives to their parents, filial piety blah blah. my usual counterargument to that is that kids never asked to be born. in fact, their coming into existence is the one thing that was totally out of their control! this leads me to the logical conclusion that parents shouldn't expect their kids to take care of them. however, if brought up right, i'm sure that kids would be willing to care for their parents in some way.
it then leads to a somewhat linked thought - should all people be allowed to have kids? the reflexive answer is yes, because it seems to be a basic human right. as far as i know, no country has laws against people having kids. but if you remove all emotion and approach it from a logical point of view, some people are probably better off not having kids. the examples i can think of are people with genetic disorders, and people who are unable to properly care/provide for their kids. yet, there'll be an outcry if it's suggested that some people shouldn't have kids. in today's world, it's up to the parents to decide, i suppose. but i do find it kind of sad that any male and female with functioning reproductive systems can have kids, no matter how unprepared they might be emotionally, mentally, financially, etc. on the other hand, couples who want children but can't conceive due to whatever reason (infertility, same-sex couples) have to jump through so many hoops and pass stringent background tests before they're allowed to adopt. you may say that no couple is ever fully prepared for the challenges of parenthood, and again, i'd agree with you. i'd also say that there are different levels of preparedness. to use the analogy of going for an exam, there's going in and being sure that you'll ace the paper; going in and finding the paper tough, but knowing you'll scrape by; being uncertain if you'll end up with a pass or a fail; and knowing that you're so horribly screwed, you just start laughing at the questions. if i had my way, everyone who wanted kids would have to take a parenthood preparedness test, and have their ability to provide for their kids assessed as well. but since i don't have my way, i guess nothing will change in the foreseeable future.
having liberally doused the idea of having kids in cold water, i will, in the interest of fairness, say that under the right circumstances, having kids can be a great blessing. i'm at the age where i have some friends posting pictures of them with their parents, others posting pictures of them and their kids, and some even posting pictures of all 3 generations together. i imagine it must be immensely fulfilling to see a life that you've nurtured grow and develop. and, if parents have good values and outlooks on life, the world as a whole would benefit. ideally, the world would be full of happy families, although i do know that there's no such thing as 100% happiness 100% of the time. in fact, i was really surprised to learn that a friend of mine, who by all accounts is in a happy marriage which has produced several children, has had bad arguments with the spouse, to the point of both people screaming at each other. but i guess it's part and parcel of the whole experience.
to bring this back to my personal context, while i don't think that i'd make a good parent in terms of the day-to-day caring for a child, i do think that my ideas and values (well, most of them, anyway) are worth passing on. maybe that's why i've been involved in teaching? admittedly, i may not be able to influence students as much as i'd like due to the limited contact. but if having less influencing power is the tradeoff that makes non-constant contact possible, i'm all for it. hopefully i'll get across to a few kids, at least. i wonder, though, if there's any set of circumstances under which i'd have kids? at this point in time, i'd say that such circumstances don't exist. not even if my partner wants a child, i think. remember my friend from a few paragraphs up, the one who has differing views from his wife? ultimately, he said that while he would try to convince his wife to have kids, he wouldn't force the issue if his wife was adamant about it. his reason being that his wife is already such a major source of happiness for him, he would rather never know the experience of parenthood than give her up. i think it's a really sweet sentiment, and the one that does the least harm. it's better that he "suffers" alone than his wife and potential future child suffering, i think. his "suffer" is in quotes because apart from that, he's very happy with his situation. so, if my future partner wants kids, we'll have to have a very serious discussion. having said that, the old axiom applies - never say never. it's like 99.9% certain now, but i don't know what the future holds.
at 2241 words (and counting), this is the most i've written in a while. better sum things up and finish. again, my goal is not to discourage people from having kids. if anything, i hope that people who read this post will do lots of thinking, and carefully weigh the pros and cons of having kids before actually doing so. of course, not forgetting to evaluate their own preparedness and readiness too. above all, i hope that parents never make their kids feel unwanted, or be negative role models for their kids. saying things in the heat of the moment, or in a fit of anger is not excusable at all. but at the end of the day, whether or not a couple has kids is entirely out of my control. so don't read this and come saying that i'm deterring you from having kids. with that, i guess i'll stop this post here.
-random thought of the day: We won a silver medal!-
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