Budget therapy time! i went back to read the last few chapters of the optimism book in more detail today. they did acknowledge the cultural difference issue after all, but didn't provide a solid solution. so i guess it's up to us, the people who live in those different cultures, to use the concepts from the book where we see fit in our daily lives. something else that stuck with me was that hopeless people (people who don't easily feel hope) are more prone to suicide. knowing that my hope score is reasonably high, it makes sense why i have thought about the topic of suicide and how to go about doing it, but have never thought of carrying out the act myself.

the book also claimed that our health is affected by the amount of control we think we have. if a person thinks that they're helpless, or if a person is depressed, they're more likely to suffer from illness and poor health. that might explain why my sinuses and allergies flared up so badly in 2020. i find it fascinating that different mindsets/thought patterns actually lead to a measurable/quantifiable difference in physical state.

so, since the book is called "learned optimism", it must have a way to teach optimism. and it does. it's called the ABC(DE) approach. starting with ABC, they mean: adversity - beliefs - consequences. when faced with some adversity, we justify it to ourselves with our beliefs. and the consequence of those beliefs results in our mental state, and what happens after. optimistic people don't let adversity weigh them down; they treat adversity as temporary, specific, and due to external factors. D and E stand for dispute - energization. dispute is the way to fix negative/pessimistic beliefs, and the strategies to dispute are evidence, alternatives, implications, usefulness. after the pessimistic beliefs have been disputed, energization is the new outcome, where we should ideally take steps to remedy the negative outcomes in "consequences", and/or be ready to bounce back and meet new challenges. here's where budget therapy comes in - i'm going to try and do it for my job situation (almost 2 years late). it's going to make me look bad, but i figure that i should be honest if i want to help the healing process.

adversity

i was let go from my old job. my ex-boss said that i wasn't cut out for a career in IP.

beliefs

she's great at her job and so much more experienced than me, so she definitely knows a hopeless case when she sees one. i gave her poor quality work on many occasions. i made a lot of mistakes. my peers got along so much better with their mentors and are so much better at the work than i am. i did so much overtime and was still unable to meet her expectations, so i must have been really bad.

consequences

i began to dread reviewing my work with her, to the point i felt my heart start to beat wildly whenever it was that time. i felt dumb whenever she scolded me. i didn't stand up for myself, even at the exit interview. i let this experience weigh me down for more than a year.

dispute

my colleagues have told me that my ex-boss is notorious for not being able to retain trainees (E). the ones she didn't like were quickly terminated, and the ones she liked quit after a short while (E). i may have made mistakes, but it doesn't mean i'm a bad worker. i learn from mistakes, like i do in raids (E). she just had higher expectations (A). she is responsible for training me, and while she may be a good patent attorney, that doesn't mean she's good at passing on her knowledge (I). i often walked out of our meetings with information overload, which meant that i forgot some things (E). the learning curve is unreasonably steep in that company; it has a reputation for being tough on trainees (E). the turnover is super high; more people quit before the 3-year mark than those who stay on (E). even if she's right, and i'm not cut out for a career in IP, there are other things that my science degree allows me to do (A). we only interacted for 4 months, which is hardly enough time for her to know me super-well. likewise, i know only the bare minimum about her. so it's not fair for her to say that i'm hopeless just based on these 4 months (I). it could be that our working styles clashed (A). she had her own heavy workload too, and it's natural for her to be upset if she thinks i'm not lightening it for her (A). this was just one bad experience with one company; it doesn't mean that every single company will be as harsh (I). i know friends who are thriving in other IP firms, or who have moved to an IP role in scientific companies (E).

energization

i still feel that i have untapped potential in the IP industry. as a result, i'm looking to go back into it after JET. i've started researching potential employers in australia, and working on self-improvement using the parachute book.

writing it out like that, i realize that these are all thoughts that i've had on and off. just that this format helps to give them structure and put them all in one place. something i can refer to in the future, and add any additional thoughts that may come up.

recently, i joined a discord server. its main purpose is japanese voice chat, and i figured i could get in some listening and speaking practice in a "natural" setting. so when i joined, i was asked to change my server nickname - very standard procedure. i changed it to my final fantasy character's name (it's a final fantasy community server) and thought nothing more about it. when i got on voice chat for the first time, the administrator asked how to pronounce my name, and after i told him, he said it was impossible to read in english, and went to render it in katakana. it just made me wonder...how many japanese people are bad at english because they don't (want to) make the effort to learn? my character name isn't hard to pronounce...it's basically phonetic pronunciation of the individual letters. no silent e's, weird consonant combinations, or anything like that. i actually find it weird that kids learn romaji at a young age (primary school) and yet can't break the sounds down further. example, "mi" is made of the "m" and "i" sounds. so, mi - i = m. but the kids don't see that at all. maybe i'll try incorporating that into the content this coming school year.

-random thought of the day: Received so many snacks in the past week!-

Continuing the productivity trend today, i made 3 more pronunciation videos (would have been more if the conversion server wasn't backed up), made progress on petal 3, and got some insight into whether i'm an optimist or pessimist. i want to talk more about that last thing, but i'll briefly mention the petal first.

like i said last post, my task is to write 7 stories. to my own disbelief, i've came up with 7 ideas already. they are: (1) learning to cycle; (2) coming on JET; (3) publishing a scientific paper; (4) losing weight; (5) teaching; (6) preparing for the black belt exam in judo; (7) playing an MMO. i'm not sure if i will stick to these 7, or swap one or more out. as of now, some of them actually feel quite superficial and lacking in depth. i think i might need an outside opinion once i've fleshed the stories out a bit more. the book also recommended a site that suggests possible careers. i was most closely matched with high-level teaching (high school and above). i think being a university lecturer would be a plausible path, seeing as there isn't as much opportunity to get attached to the students. but it's still low on my list, since it involves repeating the same content every semester.

since my videos were showing no progress for rendering, i started reading another book. it's called "learned optimism", and it's written by a psychology professor with the aim of teaching a person how to be optimistic. i felt quite a great internal conflict while going through the book. to explain it very briefly, the book says that people justify things that happen to them in different ways (their explanatory style). these ways include permanence (whether it's perpetual or a one-off occurrence); pervasiveness (whether this applies to a specific area of their life, or in general to all areas); and personalization (things happen to me as a result of something i do/my nature vs. as a result of circumstance). pessimists tend to think that bad things are permanent; make generalized statements about something being bad; and blame themselves when things go awry. there are results for 3 more permutations between optimist/pessimist and good/bad, but i won't list them all for brevity.

so, the test i did says that i'm slightly to moderately pessimistic, yet moderately hopeful. i feel like this book doesn't take into account cultures different from the west. for example, in this part of the world, it's common to take on some blame for something that went wrong, even if you're not at fault. case in point: the share of liability in traffic accidents is almost always never 100-0. i've heard that even if another car bumps into yours while you're at a standstill, you will still have to pay for part of the repairs. conversely, this version of optimism sounds like it's encouraging people to abscond from personal responsibility - blaming everyone and everything else when things go bad, and taking all the credit when things go well. it's for that reason that this book doesn't sit well with me. i'm happy that the book did have a disclaimer, saying that this optimistic thinking should be used cautiously, especially when the stakes of failure are high.

having said that though, there are parts that i can learn from. changing my thought process to something more optimistic is definitely something that i think will be valuable and useful. in a way, i think this is what my mentor figure from the old boys' group was trying to get across to me. that the accursed IP firm was just a setback, and that it didn't diminish my worth as a person. incidentally, i think that he is one of two people i know who would score really well on this optimism test, the second being scary JC friend. i need to learn from them. oddly though, i'd always viewed myself as optimistic, but cautiously so. perhaps i define optimism differently from how the book does. the biggest thing i think i should learn is to believe that good things happen to me and that i am deserving of good things - a well-paying job, love, etc. now that i think about it, optimism is quite closely related to confidence, isn't it? like, say i ask someone on a date and get rejected. optimism says "maybe he was in a bad mood", whereas confidence says "it's his loss". and while i think that it's good to incorporate this into my life, it's something that i have to consciously work towards, due to the conditioning since young. i also kind of want to learn to be more shameless. probably not to the point of posting nudes online, but taking more things in my stride, not being defensive or embarrassed as a reflex action.

quick thought on cycling. i think one tangible indicator that i've grown stronger is that i can climb slopes on higher (harder) gears now. previously, i'd shift down to gear 1 or 2 (out of 6) on the uphill portion of my commute. this week, i've been taking that climb at gear 4 or 5. also, to compensate for my reduced activity due to no school, i've been cycling during lunch hour - exploring the small roads and residential area near the town hall. it's actually the perfect time to take some gopro videos. to my surprise, i discovered that my thinner heattech gloves aren't conductive, because i can't use my phone's touchscreen through them. weird, i'd thought that they were. well, it's a small issue.

speaking of my gloves, i removed them a little too forcefully and heard a small ripping sound. didn't find the tear until a week later. a few stitches between the right thumb and index finger parts had broken. i was tempted to just throw it out and get a new pair, but in the end i stitched it up and am continuing to use it now. go me for being eco-friendly!

last thought: i should really be in bed by now, because the plan is to make ondeh ondeh for the office tomorrow. that involves getting up before 6:00am. guess who's going to be a zombie? but well, it's the last day of the financial year, ie. the last day before the personnel transfers take effect. figured that i should do something nice for everyone while they're still gathered together in this current configuration, especially since it'll most likely never happen again.

-random thought of the day: Wish I could sleep for 10 hours in 5 hours.-

No school means deskwarming time at the board of education office. it's been a surprisingly productive couple of days, despite having to spend half a day to resolve a computer problem yesterday.

the main JET-related project i have is to record pronunciation videos for the kids. i've done the raw videos for the consonants already, and now i need to check them and edit them together. that means listening to my own voice, repeatedly at that. not my idea of a good time. also, i was ambitious and wanted to have video-in-video of my mouth pronouncing the words. so it means that i have to stare at my own face, too. really not fun. but the thing i'm noticing is that my mouth looks the same when i'm pronouncing several letters. it's hard to show tongue position and all that. i guess the kids will have to listen to the sound and try to recreate it. i'm a little concerned about copyright and others taking credit for this project, but it wouldn't be the end of the world if that happened. still, i think i should add a watermark or something.

somehow, i also got 2 petals of my flower diagram done today - people i'd love to work with, and physical environment in which i'm the most productive. i can't help but feel that my lack of experience means that i'm not thinking deeply enough about items under these two umbrellas - like there may be something i'm completely overlooking or not placing enough emphasis on. i guess that's where refinement comes in. it also feels a little superficial, at least for the physical environment thing. but i'm taking it as getting to know myself better.

petals 3, 4, and 5 are a little more difficult and time-consuming. petal 3 has to do with skills, and an exercise is to write 7 stories and analyze them to identify transferable skills. for someone who blogs so much, it's weird that i don't know what all my 7 stories will be. so far, i've got (1) coming to japan; (2) learning to cycle; (3) teaching in schools (maybe teaching in general). i'm considering guild management and raiding in final fantasy for a story, but even if i include it, that leaves me with 3 more blanks. again, it could be my lack of experience showing, but i don't have any good ideas at the moment. maybe one from research, one from undergrad, and one from JC? i suppose i could always look back into the archives here and get ideas for what's worth writing about.

i'm really not sure how effective this entire thing will be for me. one thing i'm trying to do is to approach this entire exercise with no preconceptions or prejudices. it's difficult, because i kind of have an idea of what i want to do already, not to mention i want to find something that will be relevant to the experience that i've accumulated thus far. and although i'm trying to remain neutral and open, there is a chance that i'm letting these factors influence me and give me my desired "answer".

got the brainwave to do a bit more research on IP firms. there are a couple of smaller firms in australia that i'm interested in, but the usual problem is needing the right to work in australia. it seems that company sponsorship is the least troublesome way, but it's decently expensive and puts me at the mercy of the company. which links to another point. the book recommends not looking at the job hunt process from the perspective of a "job beggar", but as an individual of worth. again, it's probably the humble asian upbringing, but i find it difficult. the biggest fear i have is talking myself up, and not being able to walk that talk. although now that i think about it, i've met so many people in high places who have no right to be there. the epic fail analytical chemistry lecturer-turned-colleague, for one. related thought: one of my guild members said i have a confidence problem when it comes to raiding, like, i think that i'm worse than i actually am, and compared to other people too. funny how the information is consistent across work and play, isn't it?

while there are still more thoughts, and hence more blogging points, it's getting late and i should be sleeping. tomorrow will probably be another day of video editing (more cringe). i'm not looking forward to that, but doing it means that i'll have something tangible to show during appraisal. it's not required by any means; in fact, this is going way above and beyond already. kind of shows how basic the expectations of me are. but i'm happy to do it, and it's putting my time to some use. perhaps i'll target writing the first 1 or 2 stories by this week.

-random thought of the day: I can only apply to renew my passport from 9 months before expiry.-

Ondeh-ondeh for the office got delayed because i looked at the schedule and saw that there were many people on leave yesterday. so the plan is to do it sometime during spring break, preferably before 01 april so that i can still catch the people who are due to transfer out.

unlike december, i won't write out a detailed schedule for what i want to accomplish in the remaining 11 days before school reopens. instead, i'll just list them and work through them throughout the break.

- complete at least one petal of flower diagram

- cook for the office

- take at least one cycling video

- clean up around the house

- do gardening (tentative)

- wash the car

- start my new streaming schedule

- take a few versions of english video

seems like a manageable load. a few of these things overlap in terms of time, as in i can do them on the same day, so it won't end up taking as long as i think, i think.

there were a couple of events over the last few days, which i used to test the gopro out. the battery life is shorter than i'd thought; i think i got maybe half an hour to 40 minutes per battery. i'm going to need more spares and/or a power bank if i want to take long cycling videos. well, i guess i'll start out short at first - to and from the town hall, supermarket, and other places which i frequent. it's probably a bad idea to show the ENTIRE journey, like from my front door all the way to the destination, because privacy reasons. i'll have to do some video editing, which i hear the app is good for.

part of my plan to improve the level of english here is to take videos of how letters are pronounced. essentially teaching phonics outside of school hours. due to the restrictions imposed by the town hall's IT security policies, i'm limited to a basic video-editing software. online video editors exist too, so i'm thinking of using them. the biggest uncertainty i have is video format. do i want to combine pictures with a voice track, show my mouth pronouncing the words, or what? i'll figure it out on monday. my guess is that it'll be whatever the software allows me to do.

both singapore and japan have relaxed travel restrictions, to the point where it seems that quarantine will no longer be needed on both sides by next month or so. i'm tempted to make a trip back during summer or winter break, but there are so many variables to consider, not the least of which being whether japan will suddenly tighten border controls again if cases rise. and considering that it's going to be golden week soon, i'm trying hard not to get my hopes up. but in the event that i can travel, i'm thinking summer break might be better. gets me away from hot and humid japan...and into hot and humid singapore. somehow i can tolerate singapore's weather better than japan's summer. my friend said it's because singapore has more shade from trees and such. i also think it's because more places in singapore are air-conditioned. we'll see if the finances and timing makes sense. the current sucky JPY to SGD exchange rate gives me pause.

that's all for now, i guess. going to enjoy the remainder of my restful weekend.

-random thought of the day: Need to drink more water.-

Feeling quite good about what i did yesterday! like i mentioned, i went to the next town city for sushi. the bill ended up being just over 3000 yen, which is almost what i spend on a typical week's worth of groceries. but hey, i can afford it and i don't do it often, so it's fine. plus, it's good for my soul! i enjoyed タイ (tai; sea bream) sushi. while fattier fish is prized for the soft, melt-in-your-mouth feeling, tai is chewier. makes for a different and more interesting eating experience. i'm also becoming quite fond of ゲソ (geso; squid tentacles) sushi. it has a nice crunch that the squid's upper body doesn't. and by force of habit from secondary school sushi buffet days, i finished the meal with chawanmushi. i wonder if the wait staff thought that was a weird last order.

shopping at the bigger supermarket didn't yield much fruit. probably because i was shopping on a full stomach, i felt fewer urges to buy food. i was on the lookout for vacuum-packed duck breast, but either they were sold out or they don't carry it any more. i don't think it's seasonal, but i'm not sure. they also didn't have pork ribs with the soft bone, so i only bought rice and some vacuum-packed curry. i'm on a mission to find out what the spiciest curry available is, and whether i can still handle it. a lot of the JETs (myself included) seem to have lost the ability to tolerate spice. one JET managed to retain it by using chili powder with every meal. something to consider. also at the attached daiso, i had a rare instance of good memory and bought new insoles for my school shoes (the old ones are starting to disintegrate) and UV-blocking arm covers for summer cycling. should look into sunblock soon, too.

while school is going to be slack, my plan to make ondeh-ondeh for my colleagues will cause me some stress. i actually wonder why the things that i choose to make are all time- and/or labour-intensive. anyway, here's my tentative dessert schedule:

tuesday night/early wednesday morning: for primary school C (30)

wednesday night/early thursday morning: for primary and secondary schools A (25 + 20)

friday morning: for the board of education (30-40)

i really think that i should be making food for the other departments in the town hall as well, just as a token of goodwill. maybe i'll do cookies! they're fairly easy and don't require constant mothering.

this long weekend flew by. i really didn't do anything productive except for the shopping trip yesterday. i'm currently deciding what's the best way to stream learning japanese - (1) completely from my computer; (2) mirror my tablet onto my computer and stream; (3) do everything on the tablet. just based on a quick test run, i think one of the two computer solutions will win out over exclusively tablet. also, it seems that i'm still in time to sign up for the july JLPT. but i don't think i will. there are like 3 months from now till the test date, and i don't think that i can cram everything in in time. the december test seems like a better choice...although if i fail that one, the next possible attempt (july 2023) will be cutting very close to my departure date. also, i'll need a proxy to receive the certificate for me (assuming i pass and decided to leave japan right after JET)...but that's putting carts before horses. unless i manage to extend my contract by half a year...but i'm not really holding my breath for that. well, the sign-ups for the july test are open until mid-april, so there's still time for me to change my mind in the next week or two.

you know what, i'm going to end this post here. originally, i'd wanted to come up with a more detailed plan for spring break, but i figure it can wait. no use planning too far ahead, either. who knows how things will change in the interim?

-random thought of the day: Oyster season is over.-

What's better than a long weekend? two long weekends! tomorrow is a public holiday, and i took friday off since school ends on thursday. added bonus is it means that i'm only working 3 days this coming week. then again, it's scheduled to be pretty slack. practically all of the major events of this school year are over, save the primary schools' graduation ceremonies. in fact, i think i'm only scheduled for one more actual class, on tuesday. otherwise it's just showing face at the respective schools.

i finally got around to using the glutinous rice flour and coconut sugar that i bought last year. the goal has always been to make ondeh-ondeh, but i was holding out for pandan essence. the singaporean JET placed closest to me was supposed to help me ask his wife to bring it over, but since his wife's been here a month and there hasn't been any word, i figure that she didn't manage to do it. oh well. i ended up making them plain (i bought matcha powder but didn't add it since it's for the kids). i'll probably add matcha powder in the batch for my colleagues. also, the recipe testing process was a bit more painful this time. there were so many variations - pre-cook the dough, use it raw, add pre-cooked tapioca starch, add rice flour, add cooking oil, etc. one thing i did wrong was to blindly follow the recommended volume of water. i think because my flour is different, that volume of water ended up being too much and my dough got too sticky. anyway, i'll post 2 variations that i found workable.

ingredients (makes about 20-30 individual balls)

200g glutinous rice flour (dango flour is an easy substitute in japan)

~170mL water, +- a bit

food colouring or flavouring of your choice

~120g palm sugar (aka. gula melaka, gula jawa)

~50g grated coconut

pinch of salt

method

mix the coconut and salt, steam for 5-10 minutes and set aside.

mix the water and colouring/flavouring into the flour. knead to get a cohesive but not too wet dough.

(guideline: the dough should leave a thin coating of barely-damp flour on your hand.)

*pro tip: mix the water in in several portions. you may need less or more than 170mL.

variation 1: steam the dough for 20-30 minutes.

take the dough out of the steamer and knead it with some utensil on a floured surface (it'll be too hot for your hands at first).

when the dough has cooled, split it into portions and make the individual ondeh-ondeh.

put the ondeh-ondeh in lightly simmering water to melt the sugar inside, about 3-5 minutes.

fish them out and coat them in the coconut.

variation 2: use the raw dough as-is.

form the ondeh-ondeh balls.

cook them in boiling water for about 5-8 minutes, take them out before they leak/break.

coat them in the coconut.

general tips

roll the dough out evenly (compulsory) and thinly (if possible) when making the individual balls.

shave or chop up the palm sugar into small pieces so it melts easily.

make sure there aren't any seams on the surface of the balls.

cook the balls soon-ish after making them; the palm sugar may leak through regardless otherwise.

the main advantage of variation 1 is that the dough will be cooked already, so there's no risk of raw dough in the final product. but the problem is that the steamed dough is really sticky and needs a dusting of flour to be workable. variation 2 has more manageable dough, but it's a bit more fragile, and the cooking time has to be more carefully controlled between the two extremes of raw dough and exploded balls. personally, i prefer variation 2 (no steaming) because it's so much less messy. i think like the mooncakes, this will be something that i don't do very often.

on and off, i've been thinking about where i want to live in the future. i really like japan for the safety and the general environment. at the same time, i don't think i'll be able to go far with my limited command of japanese, plus my status as a foreigner. my next country of choice, australia, has a higher crime rate and worse internet. the biggest positive is that it's an english-speaking country, so communication won't be a problem. i don't know if the tradeoff is worth it. i'd better use the 8 days of term break to get closer to an answer.

minor final fantasy drama - i was asked to leave a raid team. i'm not taking it hard at all; we definitely had very different expectations. considering that the team was advertised as having completed the first 3 fights and looking to progress on the fourth, it was dismaying to not be able to clear the third fight again. fine, i can accept that a new team may need a while to get used to each other and to the strategy. what i couldn't accept was when the leader didn't take action when someone did something stupid. i'll spare you the details, but it was something that greatly inconvenienced the other 7 people and basically had the potential to delay our progress by a week. maybe it's a different style of conflict resolution - "what's done is done, let it go". personally, i wouldn't (and didn't) take it lying down. but yes...like i told the person at fault, it's no longer my problem, so i have nothing more to say to them. i think it's a lesson that not all rejections are bad, and we shouldn't try to force incompatible people together. related thought - without going through the trouble of doing a detailed background check, people only know what you tell them. i'm not saying to lie, but how you present something matters.

this year's personnel transfer came out; the town hall's on thursday, and the schools' this morning. supervisor 2 is transferring out! considering that our sporadic interactions were all about work, i don't feel sad to see her go. supervisor 1 is staying (again). the selfish part of me feels happy that she'll still be around, but i'm also concerned about how she feels about being in the same department for so long, and for her career progression. a few other people are leaving, including basically all of the cute guys, which makes me just a little sad. most of the english teachers are staying, except for one - the one who's a nice person but a not-so-good english teacher. i'm not exactly over the moon about it, but i'm not too broken up about it either. most importantly, i really hope that the incoming english teacher will have a higher level of english. of all the english teachers that i'm working with now, the one i'd hate to lose the most is the primary school teacher. partly because i can't handle primary school kids, and partly because he's good at his job. thank goodness he's staying!

also from the next school year onwards, i think that i won't feel too attached to the primary school. the current primary 5 kids (who will be primary 6 next year) are just...i don't know, living in their own worlds? i mean, it's ok when they're playing, but it happens in class time too. i guess the reason it throws me off so much is that it's very different from typical japanese kid behaviour. makes me wonder if i'm expecting too much of them. i mean, they ARE kids. oh, i forgot to mention. my favourite primary 3 kid changed schools, and i know that at least one primary 6 kid will be going to a different secondary school. while i feel sad that i won't get to see them any more, i feel happy that they're moving out of this little town - spreading their wings, so to speak. maybe it's me seeing what i want to see, but i think it's the beginning of the end. should start planning my exit strategy soon.

since the school year is ending, i think i'll treat myself to a nicer-than-usual lunch of sushi in the next town. i'll also use the opportunity to do some groceries, since it's 5% off day at the supermarket. looking a little further, i should start converting the house into warm weather mode - keeping the blankets away, getting out the fan and cool sheets. it's a bit tricky to decide when exactly to do this, since it oscillates from warm-ish to cool. at least i don't really have second thoughts about getting out of the shower any more! 

-random thought of the day: Insects are appearing again.-

Emotions are stupid. there were graduation ceremonies for the 2 secondary schools in town this morning. and since i still can't split myself in two, i went for only one of them - at the school i didn't go to last year. i should really talk to the board of education to schedule them at different dates, or different times, at least! there wasn't much crying this time round. i actually think that the form teacher cried more than the kids! one kid who is usually quiet and spaced out in class had red eyes. makes me think that maybe i don't know them as well as i think.

after everything had wound down, i got pulled aside by the head teacher. he told me off (in the nicest possible way) for something i did earlier that day. he's completely right about it, and i feel bad that we even had to have that conversation in the first place. although i did it with the best of intentions, it could have caused a huge problem. but, i shall take comfort in the fact that it didn't, and that it seems nobody is majorly upset with me.

this thing gave me 2 points to think about. at the risk of sounding self-indulgent, the first point is whether i need to be kinder to myself. considering that (1) there were no negative consequences, and (2) nobody is upset about it, why am i still beating myself up over it? probably because of the "what if-s" that might have happened. i also may be holding myself to a too-high standard? like i can't or shouldn't be causing unnecessary inconvenience to others. to be fair, i don't think i'm giving myself too much pressure. like, i'm ok with the fact that i'm not always perfect.

next point is how to interact with others when you have the moral high ground. i've often said that how a message is delivered can be more important than the actual contents of the message. in this case, the head teacher could have berated me for being thoughtless and potentially messing up the ceremony. but instead, he softened the impact by recognizing my intention and telling me that while he was happy at my motive/reason, the actual act was still not good. he also suggested alternatives, like doing it at a different time, or even on a different day.

my main takeaway (other than the lesson about the act itself) is that i should be more mindful about looking beyond the surface and more importantly, beyond my own feelings of anger/annoyance at the time. the one mitigating factor i have is that i already do this when i'm talking to people face-to-face, or if it's someone i know. but the gloves are off if it's a random encounter either in real life or online. does my not knowing people i'm conflicting with justify treating them worse? i don't know.

jumping back to graduation season, i'll miss this bunch of kids. one of the other JETs (who's an MOE-trained teacher) said that seeing a class graduate is like finishing a good book. might be because i wasn't here for all 3 years of their secondary school life, but i don't feel quite ready to let them go yet. it's not up to me though. and who knows? i might not have liked some of them when they were younger, or they might not have liked me. perhaps this present moment is all that matters. well, the silver lining is that some of the kids are going to high school in the neighbouring city, so i imagine they'll be commuting daily. and practically all of them should be coming back during the school holidays. whether they drop by the school or come and visit me at the board of education is a separate matter. i have no expectations that they'll do any of that, but i'd be happy to occasionally run into them on the street or something.

because today counted as a half a work day for me, i'm getting half of monday off. decided to use annual leave to extend it to a full day. i should really start on cleaning, now that the weather's getting warmer. i finally fully appreciate why they call it spring cleaning - it's done around the time spring comes about. obvious, but seasonal events are meaningless in singapore. even say in china, it's not really spring cleaning, because although CNY is also called spring festival, it occurs in winter! linked to that, i plan on stowing away my winter stuff by next monday (the blankets at least, we'll see if i still need the fleece). this probably means that i should get a move on for cycling. 

-random thought of the day: Ondeh-ondeh success!-

According to various sources (none scientifically credible, though), the human body hits its peak in terms of fitness and health at the age of 25 or so. and by the time we get to 30, it's a slow decline. i think that it's a little exaggerated, and our body's condition is more largely governed by how we take care of it. but just half an hour ago, i experienced something that made me think i'm on the downhill path to decline already. for absolutely no reason at all, a chip broke off from one of my teeth. it's not like i bit down on anything hard either; i just suddenly felt a loose piece of something in my mouth. the first thought was that i'd somehow ingested sand or something. further investigation showed that the affected tooth was the second from the middle, on the right. the chip itself is about the size of half a grain of rice. not all that big in absolute terms, but between 5 to 10% of the visible area of the tooth. bad news is, it's quite obvious since the tooth is in a very visible location. good news: i'm not in pain, and the dentist is apparently open tomorrow. looks like i'll have to spend some extra time and money.

i've been driving to work every day for this past week. the official reason is that it's a week after my booster shot, and i'm being careful not to risk overexerting myself - risk of myocarditis and pericarditis, after all. the less official (and more actual) reason is that i've been sleeping late and waking up late as a consequence. also in just the past 2 days alone, 2 separate people have commented on my bed head. i don't normally style my hair or anything, but it's gotten long enough to become slightly unruly without some taming. guess i'm overdue for a haircut. so that's tomorrow's plan more or less set. go to the dentist, then to the barber. after that, some cooking experiments...provided i can still eat properly after the dentist visit.

maybe i'm imagining things, but i felt that the week ended on a bit of a strange note. might be the general atmosphere since the secondary school kids are graduating at the end of next week. or that spring is coming. i project that i won't need the electric blanket in another 1-2 weeks. i'm looking forward to slightly warmer weather, but not to summer. well...whatever it is, i'm sure the feeling will pass. i should probably sleep earlier to reset my body clock.

-random thought of the day: What caused the chip!?-