1 down, 2 more to go.

organic today was...bleh. i have to be honest here; compared to last semester's exam, this one looks like a bit of a joke. but despite the paper's doability, i'm not too optimistic, considering i couldn't get all the syntheses and i made a pretty serious error/omission in the mechanism question (which means free marks gone). right now, i'm just hoping that my grade remains dry...ie. stays above C-level.

the only reason my standard of humour has dropped to the extent where i have to resort to cracking jokes like that one is because i haven't had much sleep in the past 36 hours or so. but wait, it gets better! i'm probably not going to sleep much (if at all) tonight, either. reason being that i still have to finish up studying for inorganic, whose exam is tomorrow morning. i'm just hoping that there's enough time to complete everything, and nothing that foreign appears. i need this to pull my grade up somewhat, especially after today's paper.

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Small update to say that inorganic's over. i'm mostly satisfied with what i did, except that i threw away 6 free marks. worst thing is, i just went through the procedure for those type of questions while studying last night!! still pretty annoyed with myself even now. think i'll sleep it off.

-random thought of the day: Notice that I'm not even thinking about analytical yet?-

Having a pre-exam party might not be the wisest thing to do, but it certainly helped to reduce stress. ok...maybe "having" might be the wrong word to use, since that implies that i was the host. perhaps "going to a party just before my exams..." would have been a more accurate introduction. but i haven't started a post with "h" in quite a while, so what the hell.

about the party...it was the typical judo thing. getting drunk, talking, and enjoying the atmosphere. not to mention taking care of drunk juniors. i'm quite heartened to see 3 J1s...that's 3 more than we've ever had to join us for such functions! hopefully the number increases at future events. this time was a little different, because some people we've never seen drunk before got drunk. it's quite amusing, and yet a little frightening. i've never dealt with angry drunks prior to last night. nor overly-emotional drunks, for that matter. how do you comfort a near-hysterical crying (drunk) girl? i still haven't figured that out, though it happened. still, it was fun overall, if you discount the bit where a junior threw up.

i seriously think that drinking messes up my brain. well, i don't know that for sure, but it at least causes me to have weird(er) dreams. maybe it's the whole "lowered inhibitions" thing. even though the party was good stress relief, the dreams that i had that night/early morning put me into quite an emo state. i don't need this, not just before my exams. but i figure that i'm stronger than to allow myself to be influenced by a few messed-up dreams.

exam period has started! well, for NUS in general, that is. i start this coming wednesday, and end this coming saturday. this is by no means a tough period for me; i know people who have 6 finals, so having half that amount is already a blessing. just have to work harder for the upcoming 6 days. i should go to school to study. goodness knows i'm infinitely more productive there than at home. so, here's the updated study plan:

tomorrow — organic, a little inorganic, analytical
tuesday — organic, a little analytical, inorganic
wednesday — organic exam, inorganic
thursday — inorganic exam, analytical
friday — analytical
saturday — analytical

as you may have guessed, i didn't do nearly as much as i would like to have done during reading week, hence the increase in workload for tomorrow and tuesday. i'll survive. sure, i may be quite sleep-deprived and cranky, but i'll survive. if my guesstimations are correct, i've got an A- (or B+) and a B+ for my electives. to maintain my CAP, i have to get like a B average for the remaining 3 modules. to pull it up, i'd require like all B+'es. here's hoping.

-random thought of the day: Relationship re-evaluation still in progress.-

"It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done..."

who knows where that line comes from? it's actually the last (or second-last, since i didn't quote it fully) line from a tale of two cities. in my effort not to spoil the novel, i'll just say that the quote above is all about sacrifice. it's particularly meaningful to me, because i'm evaluating some of my interpersonal relationships right now.

during our last ES session exactly a week ago, our tutor did something called "role-stripping" with us. despite the provocative-sounding name, let me assure you that all clothes were kept on. the basic idea of the activity was that we ranked our top 5 roles in life (eg. child, student, friend etc.) and gradually threw them away, from the least significant to the most. describing it like this may sound pointless, but actually doing it brings about some powerful emotions and revelations. i won't reveal my top 5 roles, except to say that i messed up the order. throwing away a more important role first just sucks, seriously.

to link back to sacrifice, i think that the exercise has shown me how important my friendships are to me. well, those that REALLY matter, at any rate. i realized that i would sacrifice a lot to keep those friendships going. and here comes the next problem — how do i know which friendships are the ones that really matter? right now, i'm not sure how i stand with a few friends in my life, some (or one) of whom i tutor. are they just being friendly because it's purely business? i have no problem with that if i know the person purely as a student, but what if i know them as a friend beforehand? to a certain extent, i think that it would be like using me, though i can't say that in good conscience since i'm getting paid and all.

long story short, i think i'm giving too much to some friendships. by that, i mean i'm investing too much in terms of personal feelings and emotions, as well as reading too deeply into things that may not be there. not healthy. oh well...i know it sounds stupid (it does to me, even as the idea formed in my head), but i guess i'll just keep doing this until a better idea comes along.

-random thought of the day: Emo urges starting up again.-

My stalker abilities sometimes amazes even myself. while doing some casual internet browsing, i happened to enter a search term into google that returned very...interesting results. it led me to someone (whom i know in real life)'s blog. this may lead to interesting reading in the future...or not, depending on whether the owner updates any more, as well as update frequency (if updates continue).

while on the topic of blogs, i've always wondered a few things. first of all, why do some people go to such great lengths to keep their blogs secret? someone will find out about it 90% of the time. and most of the time, that "someone" is someone you would rather not have found out. personally, i don't really publicize the existence of this blog (other than on facebook, where it appears as my website), but even then, some of my kaypoh schoolmates have found it already. not that i mind; after all, the internet is a public place. if i didn't want people to read anything, i (1) wouldn't post it, (2) would password-protect it if i ended up posting it.

next, why do people give up blogging so quickly? on average, the people that i know only blog for time periods ranging from a few weeks to a few months, to a year tops. is it because the novelty wears off, or they just run out of things to say? as you can probably tell, i've yet to face these problems all that much, despite blogging pretty consistently for the past 8 years. sure, there' have been moments when i've wanted to delete this blog, but the next step in the plan has always been to recreate a new blog. hmm...i don't know. maybe i just don't get tired of talking about myself.

third thing, why do people jump between blogging platforms? aside from blogger, i've tried diaryland, wordpress, and tumblr. yet, i always come back to blogger. frankly, diaryland's interface could use improvement, while wordpress makes everything too easy. tumblr...i don't know. it seems more suited for short posts and quick sharing (somewhat like twitter) as opposed to "real, long" writing, like what i do here. but i have to admit...if there's any possibility that i might change platforms, tumblr would probably be my first pick, followed by wordpress. diaryland? just...no. i apologize to the nice people at diaryland, but nothing short of all other blogging services closing down would make me blog there.

study day today wasn't as productive as i would have liked. i did manage to get something done for analytical, which was to fill in all the blanks in the notes. i'm still pretty clueless about most of the earlier topics, but i figure some alone time with my notes in the library tomorrow before going for CJC training will help to remove some of the haze surrounding chemical equilibria. and it seems that my study plan may need some tweaking as well. despite allocating entire days for study, it's near-impossible that i'll use the time efficiently. anyway, i'd better go off to sleep. have to be up and about pretty early tomorrow.

-random thought of the day: My latest addiction:-

Politics sucks.

recently, different people have been telling me things about each other...like what so-and-so said about me, how person A doesn't like person B, or how person C has a problem with me. i don't like it. it's been my philosophy that if someone doesn't like something i do, he/she should tell me directly. that's more constructive than gossiping, no?

anyway, it's quite bad, because i don't know who i can trust completely any more amongst these people. i've known some of these people for coming-to 5 years now, while i've come to understand (and like) some others through our interactions in the past 1-2 years...so it seems kind of sad that things like this have to happen. worse is, i can't rely on my instincts this time round, because what i've been told and what i actually observe are contradictory. furthermore, i don't think any of them would lie straight to my face. well...i guess i'll just have to remain neutral. my senior once told me that remaining truly neutral was difficult. i didn't quite understand what he meant up till now.

i suppose that part of this has to do with me becoming more prominent in the singapore judo scene. yes, these things are happening in the "judo" region of my life, and anyone with enough detective skills can probably work out who i'm referring to. i shan't name names, because that would affect reputations and other sensitive stuff, which i've learnt (the hard way) not to do. to a certain extent, i do wish that i remained more obscure after getting my black belt, or that i delayed going for black in the first place. now that i'm a black belt and a referee to boot, it seems that mistakes/slip-ups are becoming more costly, as i'm under more people's scrutiny.

there's a chinese saying that goes "知人知面不知心". i wonder how many people's hearts i actually know. previously, i'd always thought that i was pretty good at reading people, but after recent events, i'm not so sure any more. or maybe people are just getting better at hiding their true thoughts/feelings. whatever the case, i just hope that people can be honest/forthright with me. i'd rather know if something was wrong, than operate under the assumption/illusion that things are going well. looking at it from another point of view, i'm sure that people who don't like me would rather cut off all ties with me than pretend to be my friend, right? on the other hand, though, i also understand that even though two people may not like each other, they may have to remain cordial to each other due to professional commitments or the like. even then, i'd at least like to know about it, so that i can watch my behaviour around people who have problems with me, and not agitate them unnecessarily/unintentionally, causing even more negative feelings.

on a slightly related note, a few other seniors and i have decided to take a less active role in CJC judo. after all, the old has to make way for the young. i'm just deciding on the appropriate time to reduce visiting frequency. right now, i'm thinking of doing it after this year's J2s stand down, which should happen around july or august, just in time for the start of my third year. i think it's only appropriate that i stay around at least until after the nationals, because i'm closest to the current J2s (i taught breakfalls to the newbies from their year, amongst other reasons). that's probably the right time to call it quits too, since i'm not that close to most of the new J1s yet, and i can't let that happen now.

making this decision wasn't easy. i *do* want to give back to CJC judo, since i got my start there. but i guess this isn't the way to do it...or maybe not at this point of time. who knows? i may end up coaching CJC eventually. but in the near future, i think that a little less senior presence may be beneficial for the club...less conflicts in ideologies and coaching philosophies. it's not a matter of who's right or wrong — just different perspectives, each equally right (or wrong) as the others. but having written all this potentially explosive stuff, i must clarify that this is just how i feel, and so it may be biased/one-sided/lacking in information. i want to remain on good terms with everyone in the judo world. unfortunately, it's difficult to please everyone simultaneously. so, i expect that some people's attitudes towards me may change, though i can't predict who these people will be right now...nor do i want to.

getting that off my chest was pretty therapeutic. looks like i've found my (blogging) voice again. since i'm on a roll already, i might as well continue unloading stuff , in the hope that that will free up more brain space for studying.

over the past 2 weeks or so, i've been feeling inexplicably moody. there must have been some precognition thing going on, because the reason for my moodiness came in friday's mail. remember the accident that i got into a couple of months back? well, the taxi driver went to see a doctor, who gave him 3 days of medical leave, making it a police case. the reason i'm pissed off about this is because he said that he was fine when the accident happened, and did not need medical consultation! with this new development, i had to go down to the police post to make a report. the officer on duty told me that depending on the investigating officer's decision, i may get 12 demerit points for reckless driving, a fine, or some other penalty. well, at least there was no grievous hurt, so i don't think i'm looking at jail time. nevertheless, it's quite a close brush with the law, which i'm not too inclined to repeat. i just hope that it doesn't blow up any further than it already has. guess the horoscopes were right...this year isn't financially good for dragons.

all that aside, it's reading week already. after today, i have 9 days to cover 3 modules' worth of content. 3 days per module, plus additional time due to spacing between the papers...sounds manageable. analytical is my top worry at the moment, considering the lecturer couldn't finish the syllabus and left most of the last topic as self-study (and it's still examinable, by the way). so WTF, right? in my close to 4 semesters in NUS, he's that worst lecturer i've had, hands down. in fact, he's the only lecturer to whom i've given a negative teaching appraisal. well...i'm just hoping that my electives will neutralize the damage effectively.

for organic and inorganic, i'm not AS worried, but still worried nonetheless. organic requires me to know several reactions very well...which by now, should not be all that difficult. only thing is the various conditions for the specific variations of those reactions. inorganic may pose more of a challenge, as i have to work under closed-book conditions during the exam, when it's been open-book all the way until now. sian. to give myself a better sense of the time i have left, here's the plan for the exam period:

tuesday — cooking, analytical

wednesday — inorganic, short trip to school, CJC training
thursday — analytical, special plan
friday — meeting in school, organic
saturday — inorganic
sunday — organic, tuition
monday — inorganic/analytical
tuesday — organic
wednesday — organic exam, inorganic
thursday — inorganic exam, analytical or break (depending on progress)
friday — analytical
saturday — analytical, analytical exam

looking at it now, it doesn't seem too bad. i'm more or less sure that i'll have enough time for organic and inorganic. but analytical? let's wait and see. and as it tends to do during my one-week breaks, my odd urge to cook has resurfaced. probably will go grocery shopping tomorrow.

feels good to get all of that out of my system. i'm actually feeling more prepared to go into gear and begin intensive studying tomorrow. have to adjust my sleeping hours now, since i need to get the most out of every day for the next 2 weeks.

-random thought of the day: Listen to this:-

"Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes"...or so a popular proverb goes. after sunday's refereeing experience, i'm finding that to be true...not to mention kind of apt (judge, get it?).

being a referee (or even a corner judge, for that matter), is no mean feat. it's not as simple as making scoring decisions and declaring winners; that in itself is difficult already (i awarded the match to the wrong person once by mistake!). on top of that, there are added stressors, like making decisions for controversial throws, spotting stuff that the referee didn't (when acting as a corner judge), and of course, dealing with unexpected scenarios. there's actually a lot of stuff going on in a match! as bad as it may sound, there are fun bits too. honestly, i wouldn't mind refereeing on a regular basis, especially since i get paid from now on. i must admit, i wasn't completely aware of how draining refereeing was. on average, we're up there for 15 bouts at a time. we referee 5, and judge 10. i did about 3 runs, and by the end of the day, i was completely wiped out.

even then, i think i would rather do 10 more rounds of refereeing than present my proposal for the ES module. i won't talk about it in detail here, since i have to do a reflective blog post anyway. what i will say is that while things went relatively ok, room for improvement most definitely does still exist. well, at least most of the major stuff for this module is over. now, all that's left is some blogging, and i'm done.

for the rest of the week, i'm under quite a bit of stress. organic and inorganic tests back-to-back tomorrow, plus coaching and the final physics test on friday. and of course, round 2 of refereeing this coming saturday. i'll get by somehow...i always do. meanwhile, time to get reacquainted with clayden.

-random thought of the day: Cooking urges are coming back...-

Suppressing urges is generally thought to be unhealthy. unfortunately, i've been having this inexplicable urge to run around randomly, screaming all the way, ending up crashing into a wall at full speed. like i've said, i can't really explain why it's happening to me. even though i know that doing what i've just described is downright suicidal not good for my health, i can't help but wonder, 'what if i tried?'. maybe when i get sufficiently drunk or stressed.

that second one may happen sooner than expected, actually. my fourth semester at NUS will be over in about another 3 weeks. as you've probably guessed, this is typically the time where lecturers wrap their content up and we start preparing for the finals. it's kind of scary...this semester has passed by way faster than any of its predecessors. then again, semester 2s do tend to be faster than semester 1s. i guess it's because i was more heavily involved in various things, like kata practice. time flies when you're having fun, after all.

from where i stand now, my stress forecast over the next few weeks shows highs and lows. the nearest high is over the next 2 days, followed by one from wednesday to friday. stress will probably hover at medium for recess week and the first 2 days of exam week. then, 3 more highs on wednesday, thursday and saturday (exam days), then i'm home free for the summer. just can't wait.

why am i stressed for the next 2 days? because of refereeing and ES, that's why. after attending the referee course today, i realized that there's a lot more to refereeing than i'd previously thought from observing referees at competitions. come to think of it, i'm not really stressed about tomorrow...more like nervous. what if the judges override all my decisions? it reflects badly on me, and my technical knowledge/judgement. or i might be worrying for nothing. who knows?

as for monday, i KNOW i'm not worrying for nothing. it's the final ES presentation, and while i think we won't bomb, i'm somehow not too optimistic. worst thing is that the presentation will be recorded, and we have to review it. that's something i'm not exactly looking forward to, considering now photo(graph)phobic i am. but well...we'll see, as usual.

now, i'm not going to plan too far ahead. i figure that taking things a couple of days at a time will help to regulate my stress levels, as well as cause me to not short-circuit. at the moment, immediate priorities include getting my presentation outline (particularly the statistics) in order, somehow acquiring a light blue long-sleeved shirt, somehow acquiring a tripod, picking the video camera up, not forgetting anything i'll need for refereeing tomorrow, and not screwing up during refereeing. sounds achievable, provided everything works well and i don't mess up.

think i'll stop here for tonight. having to be at bedok by about 8:00am means that i'm leaving home at about 7:00am, which translates to waking up at about 6:30am. on a sunday, no less! the things i do for judo. oh well. can't be helped.

-random thought of the day: Need...sleep...-

It's been a while since i've dedicated a whole post to one topic. today, i'm going to do that. the topic in mind — my future. that's actually kind of cheating, because there are a few aspects of my future which i'd like to elaborate on today.

the first of these is judo (kind of shows my priorities again, huh?). a few conversations with seniors (ok, senior) and friends have given me quite some food for thought. in particular, talking to the senior who trained us for kata gave me some interesting revelations. slight digression — i watched my kata video, and i'm mostly pleased with my performance, there was one glaring error i noticed, and it happened during the easiest throw, too! so annoying. but well, i'm more or less satisfied with it, and that's what matters.

now, back to the main story. over MSN, i mentioned to him that going back to CJC to teach and help out was fun and all, but it wasn't doing much for my own growth in judo. this feeling of stagnation is normal at around this stage of my judo life, according to him. normal as it may be, i'm not too happy about it. having achieved first dan, i'm prepared not to see my belt colour change for the next 40 years or so. but i think i need to push myself more. not as easy as it sounds, what with school and other stuff in the way. keeping that objective in mind, i've decided to be semi-regular at the NUS coach's judo school, and if offered, maybe take up a part-time teaching position there. i've got no idea whether it's a paying job, or whether my payment will be in the form of free lessons. whatever the case, i'm at least going to check it out.

somehow, i think judo is slowly becoming my main sport. i feel more technically knowledgeable and physically competent for judo than i do for bowling right now. maybe it's because there's no such thing as a bowling black belt to boost my confidence. it gets worse, too! i'm taking the referee course with my kata partner and one of our friends, and i'm actually hunting around to see if a judo practical course exists, so that it complements my NCAP level 1. eventually, i'm thinking of doing what my coach did back when i was in JC...have a day job, then coach judo in my spare time. well...one step at a time, starting with the referee course.

second thing, school. this semester's practically flown by...we're about 3 weeks out from the finals. somehow, i think this semester's results may undo anything positive from last semester. i'm still completely lost for analytical. organic isn't that bad, since this past thursday's test has shown that i can sort of get it if i really focus. inorganic is still...survivable, though solid state looks potentially troublesome. physics is ok, while ES...one more oral presentation and i'm done with it. so, hang in there. this semester has made me question my original choice of specialization. organic (especially synthesis) doesn't look like it'll come easy. but then, it's also worth fighting for. or i could always reconsider. after all, i have another year or so. no point rushing important decisions.

lastly, tuition. i haven't really done my "newton's third law" thing yet, because i've been missing tuition left and right for the last 3 weeks. but since this post is mostly future-oriented, i'll talk about future tuition plans. giving tuition has been a total pain without the car. yes, i'm still on hold until the bleeding eye checkup, and i'm not entirely happy about it. in all fairness, though, my dad has been taking the extra effort to give me lifts around, so i can't really complain. just wish i could drive. well, to be VERY technical about it, i could, but that would just invite additional unnecessary trouble.

going back to tuition, i've been severely demoralized/depressed by the kids' common test grades...so much so that i've decided that if they don't improve by the mid-years, i'll be dropping some of them. does my heart better, especially since i'll be starting third year in NUS. i just should place myself at a higher priority over the kids. after all, some of them don't know how much pain they put me through, or how much sleep i've lost over them. bleh.

speaking of losing sleep, i'm doing that right now. i should probably head off. goodness knows i need my rest, especially with all the travelling by public transport that i'll have to do.

-random thought of the day: 船到桥头自然直...I hope.-