QE is over! that's just one of the many things that's happened this week. among all of them that are relevant to me, i think that that is by far the best. other things, like the whole mess about NUS orientation, and some issues i have with the contractor, are much less positive.

before i launch into all that, i just want to tell you about the bad decision i made. it involves money, and not too large a sum, which is a blessing. so the long story short version is that i wanted to get some items. i did my homework, found 3 possible sources - carousell, one independent online shop, and ebay. sent enquiries to the first 2, but didn't receive any response after about 5 days. so i proceeded to order the items off ebay, even though it was the most expensive option because the items had to be shipped in. after i had placed the order, the online shop people emailed me to say that they had what i wanted in stock. unfortunately, it was too late to cancel the ebay order, so i made a loss of about $50. even then, ebay didn't have some of the stuff i wanted, so i continued the purchase (less the ebay items) with the online shop people. it was another few days of radio silence, which was finally broken by an email at 2am requesting a meetup at 12pm on the same day (ie. 10 hours later) at farrer park mrt. that's rather last-minute, no? i replied them the next morning when i saw the email and told them that i had already planned my day, and wouldn't be available. also asked if they would be willing to travel a bit further, to bishan since i would be there to clean up a bit in the old house. they declined, which is perfectly within their rights. at the same time, given their last-minute everything, i think it would be nice if they had offered some sort of way to make it up. finally, nothing went through, and i'm looking for alternate sources. it seems to me that they don't know how to do business properly, or capture customer loyalty. to me, prompt replies are a basic requirement. even if we use the civil service standard of 3 working days, they couldn't even meet that. so sad! well, maybe it's a sideline and they don't need the income. regardless, i don't think i'll be looking to them for anything else. and i'm not deluded enough to believe that i have sufficient influence to shut them down, nor do i believe that them not having my business will result in catastrophe for them. it all depends, doesn't it? whoever is more desperate (the seller to sell the items, or the buyer to acquire the items) will suffer the greater loss. seems like that's a common theme in life.

ok. now for more recent events. biggest thing is that the QE is over. i've agonized over it for the past month or so, writing the report and preparing the slides. thankfully, my professor was supportive all the way, yet firm and honest enough to tell me the truth, harsh as it may have been at times. the presentation itself went smoothly for the most part, except that i forgot to make one change to some chemical structures. that was the only thing that didn't go so well. sucks how a mistake still slips through after checking, double-checking, and triple-checking. the Q&A was a little bumpy, with the examiners attacking an observation that is observed empirically, but unaccountable by common scientific knowledge. i'm grateful that one of the examiners was objective enough to acknowledge that nobody knows how this phenomenon happened, so i got away with that one. at the AAR with my professor, i told him the examiners' feedback, and he said that it wasn't as bad as i thought it was. that's a good sign, and i think i have more or less passed. we also aligned our views on the project, and i have a plan of action for the next few months. things are looking good for research, and i'm happy.

if you've been following the news in the last week or so, you'll know that NUS is in the spotlight for inappropriate activities that were carried out during some orientation camps. while i'm way way past the orientation stage, it does concern me (rather distantly) because after all, i'm still studying there. personally, i have no love for orientation camps. i didn't attend any of them when i was a freshman, and still turned out none the worse for wear. admittedly, it's because the right people befriended me midway through our course of study, and i'm beyond grateful for that. to be honest, i don't really see the need for orientation camps. you don't have to attend a camp to make friends. for chemistry at least, there are many many avenues, such as lab class or tutorials. and let's not forget, there are bound to be previous friendships carried over from secondary school/JC/poly/army. it's not as if you're entering a completely foreign land! and there will be some introverts and extroverts, not everyone is shy and new and needs camps to break the ice. even if an introvert goes for camp, s/he will take some time to warm up to others right? having said that, i do see why people may like camps. gives them the chance to bond. as i've mentioned long ago, the best way to bond people is to keep them together for a few days. and some friendships may carry on long after graduation. so, fine. camps are optional anyway, so it's not like all undergrads are being forced to go.

but the issue here isn't whether camps are good/bad, necessary/unnecessary. it's some of the activities held during some of those camps that are objectionable. a lot of it is rather crude, i guess. someone on my facebook posted that sex-related humour is the lowest kind of humour, because it's brainless and crude. of course, there's a time and place even for that, but orientation camp definitely isn't it. i get the psychology of making freshmen uncomfortable, because i think a group bonds better when everyone is somewhat vulnerable. and it can provide many funny memories. some vulnerability is fine, though this went way too far. some of the participants may have had traumatic experiences before, or have confidence/body image issues. personally, if i had went for camps and was requested/made to do stuff like that, i'd refuse. if there was too much peer pressure, i'd just quit the camp. sure, that may result in some degree of ostracism, but well...i don't think i'd care. not like it hasn't happened before, but eventually, the right people will see me for who i am. and yes, i know not everyone can face it like i would. so...i don't know. not sure if there's a satisfactory resolution to this whole mess. but if i were NUS, i'd restructure it such that there are less games and no night activities. after all, orientation is supposed to be for freshmen to know the school system, facilities, and obtain other necessary info that will help them in their degree course right? if they want games, do it while not under the school's banner. at the same time freshmen should be braver to speak up. if you don't speak up for yourself, who else can you rely on to speak up for you?

in the last post, i mentioned my mistake with the bed and wall switch. the contractor has been in, and relocated the switch for me so that it's more accessible now. unfortunately, the relocation involved hacking of the wall, which generated a lot of cement dust. the bed was unaffected, as i think they covered it before work. my computer table was not so lucky. i had requested that they cover it too, and the main contractor agreed. but when i got home, there was a layer of dust on the table, as well as my monitors and everything on it. i think there was a miscommunication somewhere, or the workers forgot, or they didn't care. i am rather upset, because i had cleaned everything prior to that with the reassurance that they would be covered. and no, i'm pretty sure that the dust wasn't left over after they removed the cover. the distribution is far too even. plus there were some cement chips on the table as well. i will be having words with the contractor about this. it seems like i'll have to shut everything down, unplug and give everything a thorough cleaning, including the space under the table. so annoying.

well, i guess that'll do for now. i've got about 45 minutes before i have to shower and get ready for tonight's date. think i might do a few missions in arkham knight, or maybe just rot the time away. either way, it looks to be a nice relaxing saturday afternoon.

-random thought of the day: Back to routine work next week.-

Hello from sengkang! this post is kind of overdue in a way, because it's been around a week since i've started operating out of the new flat. my season parking has been transferred, almost everything from bishan that i own has been shifted over and unpacked. i must say, the overhead cabinets were a pretty good idea. they don't look very big, but they're surprisingly spacious. then again, it might be because my perspective is off, as they are at or above my eye level.

after a week of living in sengkang, i've more or less explored the big landmarks. the eating house has about 7 stalls, with decent variety. price is a bit steep compared to the hawker centre at bishan, and i honestly can't figure out why. the food isn't better, nor is the location. actually...maybe that's it. they have to charge more per sale to make up for reduced sale volume. or maybe it's because they're the most convenient nearby place. who knows? i've also taken a walk to rivervale mall, which is the nearest shopping mall. it's...small. 3 storeys, with the third completely taken up by NTUC supermarket. the variety of produce this NTUC has is somewhat less than both NTUCs in bishan. nevertheless, i think i should be able to find most of my most commonly-used ingredients. as i was telling the date and mother, my biggest impressions of the mall are tuition centres and hairdressers. there was a stationery shop, the usual fast food, food court, florist, laundry, provision shop, and convenience store. plus the usual kiosks that sell all sorts of things, from bak kwa to liang cha. am rather interested to try out the conveyor belt sushi restaurant. the name eludes me at the moment, but i think it's a fairly decent chain. the interesting thing about the mall is that season parking is selling for $107 a month. come december, that'll be cheaper than my HDB season parking. i wonder how feasible it would be to park at the mall every day and walk home?

went to explore public transport yesterday, while going to meet a carousell seller. the LRT station is next to rivervale mall, so it's about a 10-minute walk too. it's 2 stops (about 3-5 minutes) to sengkang MRT/bus interchange, which they've called sengkang integrated transport hub. the LRT frequency is fairly good, only thing is that you've got to be careful in watching the direction of the train. there are 2 loops, west and east, with sengkang MRT in the middle...sort of like a figure 8. so taking the wrong loop won't get you to your destination, i think. or if it does, it'll take much longer. and let's not forget that the train travels both directions in each loop, making it a 1 in 4 chance that you get the correct train if you randomly hop on the first train that arrives. it's not really that confusing, actually. just have to take some time to read the signs and maps. as for buses, there's a feeder service to my place. good to know in case i'm ever caught in impossibly heavy rain without the car. aside from that, there's 156 (a very familiar number), as well as 86 (which i've seen before). for driving, i'm still learning the small roads. trying to figure out how to exit the KPE and use buangkok drive. also have to memorize the route to the nearest SPC. only been there once, and received excellent service. that's an uplifting sign if there ever was one.

the moving itself is basically done. i've more or less finished unpacking, but am still not 100% settled into my room yet. reason being the contractor is coming in to do a bit more work (relocating a switch). it's a bit extra, actually. right now, the switch is being blocked by my bed. how did this happen? because the contractor recommended a shorter height for that particular switch because she thought i might have difficulty reaching a standard-height switch while lying down. and i agreed to having it lower. then i bought the bed, which has a part against the wall, and happens to block the shorter switches. wouldn't have had this trouble if i'd gone for standard height from the start. and ues, it's my fault, because i agreed to the lower height, and forgot about it while buying the bed. well, at least it can be rectified.

let's see...i have to get some black paint, new pots and pans, and another pillow. will fit that in during the week, i think. for now, i need to sleep. have a meeting with my professor to discuss my QE slides tomorrow. am mildly nervous, but it should be ok. and i'm meeting some carousell buyers at night as well. oh! i still have to tell you about my bad decision. all that and more in the next post, i guess!

-random thought of the day: Send pants for alteration.-

Came in a bit early to blog in peace and quiet. the past week has been more or less a blur...got several things done, which i'm rather happy about, and had a few not-good moments too. i think i'll do chronological as best as i can, before talking about some stuff that really bugged me.

last update was thursday, where i wrote that i was falling sick. true enough, i was more or less bedridden for the whole of friday. total waste of a day! was hoping that i'd be well enough to sort out some stuff at the new place, but it wasn't to be. well...no harm done. got things sorted out on saturday instead, when the contractors came down to finish up some work to the house. it's still rather messy; most of the stuff is still in boxes and trash bags. been meaning to get a step-ladder to help with putting stuff away, since the top shelf of my cabinet is way above eye level. you would NOT believe how difficult it is to find a suitable step-ladder. well, it's not that difficult, actually. most hardware stores do sell them...at ridiculous prices. $99 was the cheapest one i saw, and i think that was the price after discount or offer or something. the most expensive one i saw was going for about $3xx. that's about 5 times beyond my budget. seriously! i was expecting to pay about $60 maximum. turning to carousell turned up some low-priced alternatives, but most of them don't have ready stock. well...it's that old joke about fast, cheap, good, choose two.

also on saturday, i met up with my friend, who's back from the US for his annual visit home. he's back for a shorter period this time, like a month total, of which two weeks have passed already. this visit is a little different too, since he brought his girlfriend back! she's american, and extremely nice. a little shy, though, but i guess i can understand that, being so far away from home and in an unfamiliar environment. i quite like her! my friend says the key to get her to open up to you is to get drunk with her. while i don't doubt what he says, getting drunk isn't my thing. i had wanted them (or my friend, at least) to meet the date, but i'm not sure if that will materialize. we still have about 2 more weeks to go before they fly, so anything can happen, i guess. we had dinner at thomson plaza, where i bought computer stuff for my new room, and then hung out at his place, where we watched deadpool (my first time watching it). movie was pretty nice, though the story itself was rather short/simple. classic origin story with love interest, chase down bad guy, epic battle, ending. what set this movie apart to me is that it was more..."real", i guess. yes, i know that big steel man and missile girl aren't exactly real, nor is healing factor, but mutant stuff aside, it seems like it could happen to anyone. guy gets cancer, seeks treatment, all that stuff. my overall rating is that i'd see it in the cinema once, maybe twice. that's a rather high rating, i think.

sunday was a busy busy day! went down for the chemistry commencement, where the honours students received their bachelors degrees, and one of the chemistry friends received his masters, while another received his phd. we were also discussing when it'd be our turn to be on stage. don't know about the others, but it'll be a while yet for me. as it is, i'm currently more concerned about the QE that's coming up in a couple of weeks. lucky my professor thinks that my data is sufficient. following the commencement, two friends and i went down to chara expo, to support one of our other friends. ticket prices went up compared to last year. we stayed for a bit more than an hour i think. watched 3 matches of japanese professional wrestling, which i thought was nice. no really high-flying or big impact moves, but then again, it's a small crowd. was a bit disappointed at the lack of atmosphere, though. i think singaporeans are just shy by nature. chanting of wrestlers' names lasted for less than 30 seconds in general, and it just felt un-lively, i guess. but then, my standard of reference is WWE, which is perhaps not a very fair comparison. at chara expo, i also got some card game merchandise, like a deck box, card sleeves, and this hard box/protector thing for the single ruler card. so with this investment, it looks like i'm going to start force of will soon. a bit of sunday night was spent bowling with the US friend, car fanatic friend, and their girlfriends. the date wasn't feeling good, otherwise i would have extended the invitation. didn't go below 100 for both games i played, which is a relief. also didn't want to exert too much as i had been sick a few days before. all in all, a nice experience.

from monday to wednesday, i've been going to the new house after school to set stuff up. my computer is 90% ready (need two more cables for the speakers), i've been buying stuff that i'll need (dustbin, power bars, mounting tape). still have to get a fan/air circulator (they're way more expensive than i thought), and i'm sure there's some other miscellaneous stuff which i'm forgetting right now. most importantly, i really need to clean up! the bed is due for delivery tomorrow, and there's not enough open floor space for it right now. tomorrow morning will probably be spent cleaning and (un)packing, hopefully with the help of the step ladder which i've just arranged to buy on carousell. collection is tomorrow morning, so i hope that goes smoothly. thankfully, the date has been extremely sharp in looking out for things that i've missed, and in providing amazing advice on colour matching.

had two dates, one each on wednesday and today. yes, with the same person as the past 20-odd dates, don't get any wild ideas. the date had been going through some physical discomfort for the past few days, so i made some ramen eggs for them and the mother. i was beyond mortified to learn that the eggs gave both of them upset stomachs the following day. i don't understand it. this is one of the recipes that i'm most familiar with, and i can even do it from memory. more importantly, i made extra eggs and ate a few just after cooking them, partially because i was hungry then, but more because i am responsible and wouldn't give other people food without trying it myself first. i was perfectly fine! no complaints at all, except that i think i got the sauce/marinade wrong. tasted too diluted. what's even more mystifying is that i've made it for the date and mother before, when we had a ramen night a few months ago. regardless, i am rather convinced that it's because of the eggs, perhaps in terms of their quality. guess i won't be making them for the date for a while. the one small bright spot is that both the date and mother have been very nice about the whole issue. it's reassuring, i guess, and makes me feel a little less bad. of course, i wouldn't have given them anything which i didn't feel was safe. but no matter what, knowing that you caused someone you care about to suffer doesn't feel good in the slightest.

now to talk about a couple of things that stood out in my brain for the past week. the first is moving, while the second is traffic-related. let's do #2 first, since it's shorter. so the date and i went out for dinner yesterday. as is customary, i'd pick them up from their office before we'd go to our destination, which is usually westgate/jem. on the way there, there's this roundabout that we have to exit. it also happens to be a popular place for office workers to cross the road on the way to the MRT station. so, as i was turning off at that exit, an angry-looking guy (russian, i think) gestured at the front corner of the car. thinking that something was wrong, or that there was some damage, i wound down the window and asked him what's going on. he replied with what i heard as, "turn on your indicator, or someone will chop your hand off". the date heard it as, "turn on your indicator; did someone chop your hand off?" either way, he was saying that my turn signal wasn't on. it's really murphy's law or something. i'm normally a stickler for turn signals. the ONE TIME i slip up and forget, someone makes a fuss of it. to be honest, i didn't even realize i'd forgotten. i was just listening to the date and following the car in front. at that point, i was still rather in shock, so i wound the window up and drove off. after a while, it occurred to me that if i were to be VERY technical, that guy was more in the wrong than i was, as it was not a legal pedestrian crossing. but well...it's a minor thing. the date thought i was angry, because it seems that i sounded hostile when i asked what the matter was. i just raised my voice because i had to speak to him through the passenger-side window. i think the date has a bit of preconceived notion that i am quick to anger and pick a fight, and is thus a bit more sensitive when i show signs of what they perceive as aggression. i think that that's not entirely true. or it may be, but just not to the extent that the date thinks. i won't flare up after a one-sentence exchange (unless that sentence was insulting or derogatory), but as i've said countless times before, i will suck it up and take the abuse if i am in the wrong, like in this case. the thing that bugs me about this incident in particular is that the other guy was in the wrong more so than i was, and so didn't have the moral high ground to reprimand me. not saying his criticism is wrong, but perhaps not as justified. after all, the whole incident could have been avoided if he had crossed at a proper crossing...or if i had signalled. ah whatever. not a big deal.

it kind of makes me think a bit. if it had been a singaporean, i think there wouldn't have been an altercation at all. singaporeans have been trained from young to be meek and defer to authority. sometimes, actual authority isn't even required. all someone has to do is turn slightly aggressive, and chances are the opponent will back down. this meekness is good, i guess, for the government. after all, when was the last time you heard of a protest in singapore? and no, hong lim park doesn't count. not when protests there have to have a police permit. a protest that is allowed by the government isn't really a protest at all, is it? i'm thinking of something like the umbrella movement in hong kong, or strikes in some european countries. but no...here in singapore, we just go with whatever new policy comes up, no matter how stupid or unfair we think it is. just look at the recent parking fee hike. as an opposition politician mentioned, costs are going up to be more in line with the rest of the world...but wages aren't. despite the numerous drivers, the most solid thing i've seen anyone do is...complain online. most singaporeans are powerful when hiding behind a keyboard, not so much when it comes to defending their views or attacking their opponents in person. the date encounters this regularly in the course of work as well. i think i used to be like that, but now i just keep my opinions to myself and don't say anything unless i can back it up, or if it's my interpretation of things. personal thoughts and opinions aren't wrong, fundamentally...freedom to believe whatever you want and all that.

talking about carpark charges, it seems that i may end up paying more. since there are 2 cars in the house, the second car is liable to pay increased parking fees. also, the new carpark is sheltered, so while it's good that the car won't be baking in the sun, it naturally comes with an increase in parking costs. with all that, i'll be paying either $110 or $120 per month, depending on how the first and second cars are defined. almost makes me want to park in school! season parking is $35 per month, which is about 25% of the new rate. but the thing is, it wouldn't work...unless i took public transport every day and only drove on weekends. but then, what's the point of having a car if i do that, right?

last point about moving. i still have somewhat mixed feelings about it. thankfully, these mixed feelings are more positive than negative. it's quite exciting to move out of someplace that you've seen/been your entire life. i've bee alive for about 27 years and 9 months. assuming i spent 3 months every year at my cousin's house from the ages of 5 to 18 (19 years), plus assorted camps, overseas trips, and overnight stays and whatever else that adds up to approximately another 9 months, i would have lived in that house for...21 years and 8 months, thereabouts. i'm really not sure if i'll stay so long in a single place again. in another country, i guess it would be possible, but in singapore, i don't know if i'll be able to afford my own place by the time i turn 40. i suppose i'd better start saving now. as i don't plan to get married, the earliest age at which i can buy a HDB flat is 35, which is 7-ish years away. or there's no minimum age if i get a condo or other private housing, though the price difference is amazing in itself. but well...i suppose that if a house (or the money needed to buy a house) would fall into my lap, i'd die. but more importantly, i could see myself living there for the rest of my life, provided there are no external factors forcing me out.

along with the excitement of moving out, there's the excitement of moving in. sengkang seems like a pretty nice neighbourhood so far, and compared to the bishan house, amenities are much nearer. like, there's an eating house and minimart like 3 minutes away on foot (much closer than in bishan), while the nearest shopping mall is about a 10-minute walk, similar to j8. public transport is a bit more of a hassle, since the nearest train network is the LRT. for drivers, however, it's really convenient. the TPE is literally around the corner, and that connects to the CTE, PIE, SLE, among other things. would be nice if i could have a car all the way, though i'm not optimistic after the COE expires. and of course, there's my room! no doubt it's smaller than the old room, but i actually like it. lesser area to clean. plus, i realize that if you make use of the 3D space, there is actually enough room to fit everything in. and also, the smaller room really gave me the motivation to throw lots of stuff away. like my primary school uniforms (goodness knows why we still had those), old trinkets, bits and pieces that young me thought were priceless and of immense sentimental value. older me has had a paradigm shift, and now thinks that they are literally priceless, ie. $0 in value. most of them have been trashed, which i guess is a good thing. after all, some of the things represented friendships from a past era. i don't even talk to some of those people today. the trash frenzy was also fuelled partially by my old coach. in the event i have to move often, i really don't want to drag a boatload of boxes along each time, along with all the accumulated dust.

of course, there's some sadness, too. bishan will always be my first home, and there are many memories, both good and bad, associated with it. more specifically, to the house. no doubt there will be horrible recollections of the numerous times i was made to stand against the wall, or when i got caned. but there are also good memories, like long daily phone calls with my cousin, going down to the playground, learning to cook, spending afternoons with my (late) grandparents, and about 10 really festive/enjoyable chinese new years.

but looking forward, i guess i can always come back and reminisce. don't think i'll be forgetting the way back anytime soon, if ever. i guess the more pressing thing for me to do is to get acclimatized to my new surroundings...find out where everything is, alternate routes to and from places, gym/swimming pool (2.8km away based on google maps!), among other things. will have to figure out a plan to get to clarke quay for my usual early morning gym session, and figure out whether it's worth it to renew my membership there. even more pressing thing is to free up enough space for the bed, and sort out the issue with the switches. for more administrative things, i'll have to update my address on my IC, and with the banks and other organizations. not to mention changing my season parking. you know, it's quite stalker. i logged on to see how to change my season parking venue, and it seems that they already have the address there for me! all i have to do is confirm it and top up the difference. makes me wonder how they know, especially since my dad is the one handling all the paperwork. but well...less hassle. i think i'll make the switch tomorrow. it should be instantaneous.

i must admit, i'm a bit nervous at the thought of moving. i guess it's the nervous energy/excitement. if all goes according to plan, tonight will be my last sleep in bishan. no doubt i'll still be shuttling between the two houses, but now it's more like my home base has changed. well...i guess we'll have to see how things go. i should have brought most of my stuff over, with a few slight exceptions. think i have to clear out a countertop, some books, and a couple more drawers. should be easily done by this weekend, if not next week at the latest.

-random thought of the day: Made a wrong decision just now.-

All things considered, there are worse times to fall sick than now, which i why i'm not complaining (too much) about the cold i just caught yesterday. QE is in another 2 weeks, there's no date this saturday, so it seems like i have plenty of time to recover, which is a blessing.

now, how did i even catch the cold in the first place? well if i had to guess, i'd say that it was due to helping my old coach move. over the past week, i've met up with him on about 5 different days, each time to either move stuff to the new place, and/or to help him unpack. now, i'm fine with helping people, even for ridiculous-sounding things like picking them up from the airport at 4:00am. if you are significant to me, i most definitely will do my best for you. that notwithstanding, there are times when i really can't help a person for whatever reason. for my old coach, that reason has become my health. for those not in the know, i have an allergy to dust mites. upon exposure, my nose will start to run, i will start sneezing, and if they get under my skin, there'll be a reaction. think mosquito bite, but bigger. anyway, i helped him with cleaning up his house yesterday, and i swear i'm not exaggerating when i say i know what five years of dust and trash looks like. ok...maybe not trash, since i know he threw stuff away now and then. but the dust...oh the horror. the white tile floor had literally turned dark grey! doesn't help that he smokes, so there was cigarette ash, too. it was fine while we were moving things, because we mainly shifted stuff onto the trolley and pushed it well below nose-level. on the other hand, cleaning requires stuff to be shaken out, causing dust to fly. and despite my best efforts to turn away and even to shield my nose, the allergy still triggered. was sneezing non-stop while we were cleaning. it got better when i stepped in the shower before meeting the date for dinner, but i woke up feeling horrible this morning. guess i'll take it easy tomorrow and see how things develop from there.

i kind of expect him to still ask for my help with the cleaning. to be frank, i think he doesn't really need me. all i did was to hold the trash bags while he threw stuff in, and take the filled bags to the collection point. all the heavy lifting is done, which also makes me think that my presence may not be essential. now comes the challenge...how do i say no nicely? i guess i'll just have to decline for health reasons and hope for the best. it actually also makes me wonder why he asked me to go over to do something that he could have easily done himself. i think he wants the company more than my help. you see, he's single and living alone. that kind of limits his social interaction already. i suppose it might get lonely, although i think i'd be ok with living alone as long as i had regular-ish interaction with my close friends and the date. perhaps that's it...i'm the one who's most readily available on-call. well...it's a bit of a dilemma. on one hand, i'm grateful for all the mentoring he's given me, and i do want to repay the debt. but then...to what extent should i go? my current thought is that i should do what i can as long as i can bear the inconvenience. so, things like the dust allergy trigger are out.

aside from that, things have also been kind of interesting. the date has been getting into this trading card game called force of will, and if you remember, i was open to giving it a try. we've been talking about card games from magic until now, and i think it's time that i really diverted some of my brain cells to sorting out my feelings towards the game so life can move on in whatever direction.

let's start with the most puzzling question to me: despite my previous bad experiences, why am i still so backside itchy to want to keep trying my hand at this sort of games? i think the date may have been on to something when they said that i subconsciously believe that i can play somewhat decently, but am making excuses for myself due to previous trauma from magic. you see, if i know that i'm no good at something (music and art being my go-to examples), i would not pursue them to any degree, and it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. for instance, i can't play a song on any musical instrument at all, not even the recorder. the most music i do is sing karaoke, and badly at that. and it's perfectly fine to me. likewise, the prettiest thing i can draw is hexagons (thank you years of organic chem), and the occasional stick figure. but i have no desire to enroll in art school to improve my skill. i guess the difference is that for music and art, i know that i have no talent whatsoever. but for trading card games, i think i can do decently given the appropriate time/money/effort investment.

which leads to the next point...can i make that investment? or perhaps, a better question to ask would be, am i willing to make that investment? money-wise, i definitely have enough in reserve to spend on cards. it's just that how far am i willing to go? tens, hundreds, thousands? if you ask me now, i'd say the maximum i think i would spend on cards is...$200. considering the local community has been known to let some cards go for under a dollar, i think that's plenty. as for time, i don't want to go too deep into it. so, the most i will do is probably spend some time every weekend playing either with the date, or with other people at what is quickly becoming our hangout sot for cards. the date has said that it's ok if i take it slow anyway, so no big deal there. effort...i guess i could take time to read up, and if the date is going down with me, so much the better.

so i guess we've established that i don't really have physical barriers to entry for the game. so the only thing left is breaking down the mental barriers. i guess i've said it before, losing so badly to the date has kind of killed my interest for magic. if it's at all possible, i'd rather not have the same thing happen here. so far my playing experience has been positive, won one game against a mutual acquaintance using the date's deck. then again, the deck was well-built. if the cards had been switched, i don't know how things would have turned out. and that's an example of how i make excuses, according to the date. they said that i was smart enough to play with their deck immediately and win, so that counts for something. to me, i don't see what's the something that that counts for, but then again, i don't know the checkpoints. what i mean by that is that i don't know what is an achievement, or how to accurately measure my level. i do know that for judo, like beginners should be somewhat familiar with all the breakfalls by lesson 3, and perform them competently by about lesson 7. i don't have similar yardsticks. but well, i figure that i should know progress when i see it.

the most important barrier for me is that i don't want to play against the date. their playing style is something that i find to be quite annoying, and thus my fuse shortens drastically when i play with them. and when negative emotions set in, the relationship suffers. the date keeps telling me that it's just a game, and there will be winners and losers. i know that. just that it doesn't feel good to be losing all the time to the same person. maybe i've built the date's skills up too much in my head, creating a mental block. the only way i think i can break through is if i beat the date fair and square, no concessions. although once again, i don't know how long that will take, or if it's even possible. it's cycle. i think the date is too good, and that i can't win. and the only way for me to dispel that notion is, you guessed it, to win. ridiculous, i know.

we also talked about giving chance and moderating power. i realize that judo and magic (or card games in general) might not have been the best comparisons to make. in judo, if someone gets thrown, they stand up, and the match continues. it's a fast resolution. and of course, even though there is a score system, there is a way (well, technically 4 ways) to turn the tide and get an instant victory. not so much for card games. the loser will have to die, sometimes slowly and agonizingly, before a new game can be started. of course, there's conceding, but knowing my character, i wouldn't concede until i knew without doubt that i'd lose...which kind of defeats the whole time-saving thing that conceding is supposed to bring. i did watch the date play, and true enough, their power was modulated. just not enough, in my opinion. even when i used the cards, i knew that there was no way for our acquaintance to fight back based on her deck. in fact, i made several technical errors and still got away with them, meaning that it was an easy win, arrogant as it sounds. the thing is, the date's knowledge is so far above us that there is no realistic way that they can give chance...short of skipping alternate turns, i think. to put it in judo terms, i think the date is a blue or brown belt, and we are whites. the reason i don't say that the date is a black belt is because i think they don't have that fine control over their own power just yet. i just thought of something the date could do, and that is to handicap themselves in terms of the deck building. but i'm not about to suggest that, because it wouldn't do any good.

one interesting thing the date mentioned was that they had built a "soul deck", which reflects their personality the most. and when i casually asked about what cards they'd put in, they wouldn't tell me because it was too personal. bear in mind that this is the same person who told me that it's just a game, and not to think too much, or take things so seriously. i have horrible mixed signals. if it's just a game, then it shouldn't be something so secret and guarded, right? then again...i don't know. i'm trying my best to see it from the date's perspective, but i'm drawing blanks.i suppose if i REALLY desperately wanted to know what was in there, i could challenge them to a game, bite the bullet, and try to survive for as long as i can just to see the cards being used. but i'm not about to do that. would cause more harm to my mental state than it's worth. that might be the difference between me and the date. they pour their heart and soul into making a deck. i'm still messing around with interesting ideas with no clear goal in mind. maybe i might understand one day if i ever get around to building one of those. big big if there.

the last thing that makes me feel that i shouldn't play with the date is because it will bring imbalance to the relationship. you see, we're equals for most things. we take turns paying for meals, i drive the date around, they get me the odd gift here and there, i try to do the same but it somehow doesn't work out as well as when they do it...right now, i think we are at a pretty nice balance. but if i learn from them, or so called go under them as a student, it upsets everything because i'll be way out of my comfort zone, and they're still well in theirs. i thought that having the date step out and try something new (like judo) would re-balance it, but that idea was shot down. the date simply isn't interested. it's just rather frustrating, that i seem to be at a disadvantaged position as far as hobbies and interests go. yes, i know that nobody's forcing me to play, and that i'm not some great person making a sacrifice to accommodate the date. but i think that if i'm open to the idea of trying one of the date's hobbies, it would be nice if that was somehow reciprocated. not necessarily judo...maybe japanese? or bowling? or pool? or mahjong? thankfully i'm not a one-trick pony, so at least the date can choose. but it seems that they're not interested in anything else i do, unless it overlaps with their existing interests. i know that there's technically nothing wrong. yet, i can't help but feel that it's somehow unfair. and no, i don't plan to force the date to try anything. it's just that i wish they'd try something at least once before they dismissed it as not for them. but well...horses, water, drink, and all that.

so...i can't (and shouldn't) impose my opinion on the date. that means that i can only change my own thinking. if the date doesn't want to do something, fine. we can just spend time together, i guess. at the same time, i shouldn't kill my own fledgling interest in card games out of spite. just have to take things as they develop, and hope for the best.

-random thought of the day: Illness makes me susceptible to negative thoughts.-