Probably should say this before anything else: the potential thing with that american guy isn't going to happen, after all. we both kind of woke up to the fact that things were progressing too quickly and there was going to be more trouble than it was worth. to be fair, he brought it up first. i see the logic in what he said. thankfully, the "courtship" didn't last too long, which means that there was barely any hurt. don't think that there will be awkwardness, but i've been wrong about that before. at any rate, we aren't really required to interact very much with each other, so it's fairly ok.

yesterday's class went well. it's the third time i'm seeing this class, so some rapport had been established already. everyone seemed to be following the content well, and we finished slightly early for once. i really think that my teaching style is suited for more mature/older kids. age and maturity are usually correlated, but not always so. while it would be ideal for me to only take sec 3 and 4 classes, the company wants to get their money's worth. in fact, i'm being assigned a month-long cover of 2 classes, sec 1 and sec 2. that's in 2 weeks from now, but the handover procedure is starting this coming weekend for a smoother transition.

also yesterday after work, i spontaneously called my JC friend who stays in novena for dinner. surprisingly, he agreed. we ate at saizeriya, then had udders ice cream for dessert. not the healthiest decision, but once in a while is fine, right? throughout the time, the conversation was split something like 85:15 in his favour. he was ranting about some issues with his family business, and that basically took up the almost-3 hours that we spent together. one-sided conversations are tolerable, but aren't very fun. i was the one who asked him out, so i should have known that i might be getting myself into this. maybe he needed an outlet to vent; i understand that he doesn't get out very much except to play cards. i'll view it as accumulating good karma, then.

no new news on the job front. with the NUS career fair coming up this week, i figure that i should make a decision on the local vs overseas issue. i'm starting to see it as a head vs heart thing. the "head" (logical) decision would be to remain in singapore and find a job. the biggest attraction here as opposed to moving to japan is convenience. if i were to not be in singapore for an extended period, i'd have to sell the car, find a way to have sufficient money in my local bank accounts for recurring payments, and plan the logistics of moving to japan. while these obstacles are not insurmountable, they will require effort that wouldn't be needed if i stay in singapore. the "heart" (emotional) decision is to throw caution to the wind and take the plunge. it's japan! i remember as recently as in my undergrad days, i was dead set on finding a job there and moving over. that's why i took steps in that direction, like learning japanese.

ok. let's look at it rationally. for something to happen, there must be a driving force. another way to say it is that there must be push and pull factors working together. in this case, the analysis will be a bit more complicated. i think let's break it down into the permutations of push/pull, and japan/singapore. might be easier if i do point form, then a short elaboration at the end of each block. hope i manage to classify everything correctly, because some points may fit in more than one category depending on perspective.

pull to japan
- new experience
- i like japan

as you may know from reading some previous posts, i've been to japan before. i do like the place, the culture, and the people. i find that it's generally a nicer place to be in as compared to singapore. an added bonus is that staying there is part of the journey to getting japanese PR, which might become useful in future.

push from japan
- unfamiliarity
- different expectations from work
- age

at the same time, i have to concede that i've been looking at japan through a tourist's eyes. i'm there to have fun for a couple of weeks at a time at most. it may take longer than that for problems to unearth themselves. not to mention japan having just about the worst working culture in the world, maybe only second to korea. plus, i'm 30 already. with about 35 years of working life, can i afford to spend some of it doing something not primarily related to my degree? have to think of how it will impact my subsequent job searches, too.

pull to singapore
- familiarity/convenience
- money

like i mentioned before, it is so much more convenient for me to stay in singapore. in terms of finances, logistics, friends, and it helps that i've lived here all my life, so i'm familiar with the way things work. like, i know what i can negotiate on, which agency to direct my enquiries towards, and even basic things like what to do in the event of an emergency/accident. not to mention the ratio of my earnings to workload is quite favourable now, and i only see the balance tipping the other way in japan.

push from singapore
- the people/culture
- the system

although - or maybe because - i've lived here all my life, i'm quite sick of the people. it wasn't that bad growing up, but like for the past 5 years at least, people just get on my nerves more and more. my leading hypothesis is that as singapore gets more crowded, tensions get higher and peoples' tempers get more volatile. i would still be able to tolerate the crowd if people were courteous, but my impression of the average singaporean is that s/he is self-centred, unamenable to reason, and cowardly. that's not a ringing endorsement, considering i'm singaporean too, but i'd like to think that i'm better than average in this regard at least. i think being in a different environment for an extended period of time might help me to regain appreciation for singapore, or at least make me happier that i'm away from it. either way, i win.

looking at all the factors, it seems that the strongest motivations to follow the "head" route are career planning and money. the difficulty is finding a job to begin with! earning potential is just potential until an actual job is landed and money comes flowing in. career planning is a more serious consideration, though. i can imagine interviewers looking at my resume after japan and quizzing me on how that stint affects my employability as a chemist, especially since it implies that i've been out of touch with the chemical world for however long i'll have been in japan. this is probably the only point i can't explain away using my love for japan. if you ask me to give a hypothetical answer to that question now, i guess i'd say that the stint in japan helped my language skills as well as my people skills through dealing with students, colleagues, and management. i'm also more familiar with how large corporations operate, and my knowledge would be beneficial in dealings with japanese companies. still sounds a little smoky to me, but we'll see.

i've spent way too long on this post already, so i'll end it soon. had wanted to talk about the various options of teaching english in japan, but that can wait till the next post. as a reminder, my possible avenues include gaba, aeon, JET, or in a university. i'll discuss the pros and cons of each, plus tell you which one i'd personally choose next time.

-random thought of the day: Suddenly, going overseas seems like an increasingly likely prospect.-

Got a mixed bag of things to blog about today; 4 negative, 1 positive. although the negative things win out in terms of quantity, the positive thing may just win out based on magnitude.

if you've been following local news to any degree, i'm sure you'd have heard of the passing of an actor during his annual in-camp training stint. it's not the first death of a serviceman that i've been exposed to, but for some reason, i felt it more strongly here as compared to past cases. it's not because i watched his shows; i didn't even know of his existence until the news broke. so why then, is this affecting me more than usual? it could be because we are really close in age, only about 2 years apart. it could be that he had already achieved some measure of success, so i'm feeling/mourning the loss of talent. or maybe it's because unlike the rest of the casualties, he's not an active-service national serviceman. you'd think after clearing the 2 years of active service, the risk of injury or death would be eliminated. apparently not. considering that i didn't know him, i'm not sure what to say beyond the standard words of condolences. you know, it's things like this that give you a sharp shock and make you think more deeply about your life. the usual questions, like "what if i die tomorrow?", come to mind. at this point, i'm not sure that i have a good answer. but if i'm dead, my answer won't matter either way. i guess i should start making more of out my days on this planet.

the job hunt is progressing not-so-ideally. i've sent out a few more applications, and got a few more rejections. it's supposed to build character, but i just wish i could build character using something less sucky. on the bright side, my #1 choice still hasn't replied yet. maybe no news is good news for the time being. apart from that, i went to ask my mentor figure (the HR pro) about overseas jobs. by extension, some of the other alumni replied also. they seem to be split into 2 camps. the first camp, which my mentor figure is in, is that going overseas will give new perspective and insight, and train one to be more independent and mature. that experience is not something money can buy, and in fact may add to one's earning potential instead. of course, the usual points about going overseas while not having liabilities came up again, and i understand that point of view. the opposing camp says to stay in singapore, do something related to my degree, and just build a successful life here. it's sounding less and less appealing, to be honest. well...i'm not really in the position to choose right now, not when i haven't scored any interviews or even tentative offers.

events of yesterday and today kind of made me understand better why the learning lab is willing to pay so much for weekend staff. another teacher had an emergency, and i was asked to cover her class. that in itself isn't the bad thing. the bad thing was that the class was disrupted by two students who didn't seem to have any social consideration. i mean, i do appreciate the occasional quip and wisecrack, especially if it makes me laugh. but to talk (loudly) over me when i'm trying to teach gets old real fast. it got to the point where i had to raise my voice to get them to quiet down, which is a first for me in this job, and quite possibly for my entire tutoring career since i used to give one-on-one tuition. part of me wonders if i could have handled that situation better, while another part of me think that the offenders should be grateful i didn't smash their heads into the table. must remember a lesson from one of the senior teachers, go into a new class being strict, then gradually ease up the tension. i guess i've been so used to talking to undergrads and upper sec students (ie. more mature people) that i messed up and brought that demeanour down to students who need an authoritative figure. it does baffle me a little, though. why do students come for tuition if they're just going to be in their own world? i kind of understand for school, because they're forced to attend. but tuition is completely optional! it really makes me wonder why they even bother showing up. there are so many better ways to spend a weekend than going to a tuition centre. just go to the arcade where you can be as noisy as you want! i suppose it's a little too early to impress upon them the value of the money that they are wasting on their parents' behalf. for perspective, a secondary school kid('s parents) pays $1365 per subject per term of 13 weeks. a year's tuition for one subject costs $5460, and just imagine if a kid takes more than one subject, or if the family has more than one kid attending class! all the numbers are before GST, by the way. it's sheer madness. looking at those numbers, i kind of wonder if i'm being underpaid. to be fair, the facilities are great, teachers have a lot of support from the planning and operations staff, and i imagine the paper/ink for notes and materials used for experiments don't come cheap either. still, it's a ridiculous amount to spend on something that the kid honestly may not even need. yet another point to add to my "why i won't have kids" list.

last negative thing, i promise. it seems that the car is having some issues. apart from the steering still not being nicely aligned, the air-conditioning conked out a couple of days ago. i first noticed it on wednesday, when i had dinner with my senior and junior. seems odd that the issue came up just after servicing not long ago. if i were the suspicious kind, i'd say that the mechanic added a fault to ensure that he'd have a repeat customer. but knowing that we share so many mutual friends, i'm certain that he wouldn't resort to dishonest means with me. it's more than likely just an unfortunate coincidence that something that was working during servicing chose to malfunction now. this means that i'll have to make another trip down to the workshop over the week. might as well get my suspensions done while i'm there.

so, after trudging through that swamp of negativity, what could be the one positive thing that might win out over all that? it would be that i'm talking to someone online. a potential romantic interest, to be exact. i met him on an LGBT community server for final fantasy 14. we've only been talking for two days, so it's extremely premature to assume anything. there is mutual attraction, which is a promising start. however, there are some significant challenges. for instance, he's american, so we are physically rather far apart, not to mention the time zone thing (16 hours' difference). amidst all the warm fuzzy feelings, i'm just reminding myself to take in the whole picture. it could very well end up like malaysian guy, who initially said he was attracted to my voice, and that he liked me for my character/personality, only to nope out when we met in person. i guess the best thing for me to do is to take things day by day, and see how this develops. note to self: don't be too needy.

CNY is in another 9 to 10 days. don't really have much prep to do; i'm not much of a stickler for tradition as far as festivals are concerned. i wonder if the crazy surcharges have started already? something tells me yes. apart from a visit to the mechanic on monday, i've also got to go down to the NUS career fair on tuesday and/or friday...at least those are the dates that i remember. makes me wonder why they didn't plan for it to be on consecutive days. do i have any other things planned? a temple visit, i guess. that one's flexible. and i don't think i've blogged about the less-than-positive experience at nandos. i'll save that for the next post, i guess.

-random thought of the day: Still can't find my hoodie.-

Over the past week, i had quite a downturn in mood. it's not unexpected, since one can't be happy all the time. but at the same time, i'm not quite sure what i have to be unhappy about now. it seems a little...spoilt of me to be unhappy when i'm living a reasonably good life. not much stress, enough money, more than enough free time. perhaps it's precisely the excess of free time that's getting me down. that, and not having something to work towards. i was also mulling over the question of whether to look overseas or not. it always helps to have multiple opinions when making important decisions, so it was in that spirit that i asked scary JC friend out for dinner this past sunday. it turns out that she'd resolved her relationship problem, and is now dating my secondary school friend. personally, i'm happy that she seems happier now, and they do seem to be a good (better) match for each other. not that i had issues with her ex...he was nice enough, but i just felt that there was a bit of a mismatch in wavelengths between him and her, and between him and me when we hung out. of course, i may be biased since the new boyfriend is my friend, after all. but enough about that. privacy concerns and all.

so...what did they have to say about job advice? i ran some thoughts by them, like potential future jobs, things i thought were important, some goals. for clarity, i suppose i should talk about them here too. to me, the road ahead forks into 2 major paths. first, stay in singapore, get a job in the chemical industry, keep up the learning lab gig on weekends. second, go overseas, and get a job doing something that i can do. for the overseas route, it will probably be japan, where i think "something that i can do" will be teaching english. my japanese is nowhere near good enough for a corporate environment, unless there's an opening for an english-speaking MNC. if i were to go somewhere more english-speaking, say australia, i would probably try to find an industry job, or worst case a teaching job in a university. the most immediate pros about staying in singapore are familiarity, the readily-available support network, and the potential for higher earnings due to supplementary income from the learning lab. of course, that last thing may be rendered moot if my "main" company has a strict exclusivity policy, or if any conflicts of interest arise from this. from the way i was looking at it at that time, it seemed that there was almost no benefit in going overseas.

scary JC friend responded almost exactly how i predicted she would when i told her about this dilemma. she asked me what i really wanted. we worked out that if a company in japan offered me a contract of up to 2 years, i would take it. any more than that would be a bit too much to commit to. her focus was more on what i wanted. what do i want out of work? to make enough money to live comfortably. to have good work-life balance. to have job satisfaction. they seem like such simple ideas, but there's so much more to them in the background. i think talking to her kind of brought my attention to the fact that remuneration affects my decision more than i'd thought, because i hesitated when she asked me if i'd be willing to work in japan at a job i like, but for a lower-than-expected salary. then again, maybe it's because my finances aren't stable enough for my liking at the current moment. her view was that corporate employers don't consider grad school as "working experience", even though the job scope is about the same as an industrial lab, albeit on a smaller scale. like my NUS professor friend, she reminded me that i should modulate my expectations and be prepared to start from zero if necessary. at the same time, she encouraged me to go overseas (to japan in particular) if the opportunity arose. she believes that i would do well there. it's nice to have a vote of confidence.

my friend had a more unique point of view, which i didn't/don't really think about. i turned 30 a few months ago. assuming i retire at 65, that gives me 35 years of working time at most. it's not short by any means, meaning that i shouldn't be afraid to venture into the unknown and possibly fail. after all, even if i really mess up and waste 5 years, there are still 30 more years left for me to recover and/or start again. at the same time, why should i waste any of the upcoming 35 years doing something that i don't like? well, maybe for the money, but that's only going to be for the short term. i realize that i wouldn't want to work solely for money. if i did, i would have signed full-time with the learning lab. it's not that straightforward, though. there are many other factors that i didn't really go into specifics about. for instance, if the learning lab offered me $8000 per month and up, i probably would have taken up the full-time offer already, and be prepared to work there until i retire or die. but again, this is rather simplistic and i won't explore the underlying assumptions too much.

taking all of that into account, and having done a bit more soul-searching, i've come up with a plan of action. my desire for perfect knowledge in most situations drove me to ask to meet up with a singaporean blogger who's currently working in japan as an english teacher when she comes back for CNY. hopefully talking to her will give me a more balanced picture of what to expect, things i should be aware of, and other things which may have been obscured by the attractiveness of living in japan. for the japan track, i also plan to write to a few universities to ask about the possibility of teaching scientific english. at the same time, i'm applying for some more local positions in chemical companies, branching out into oil and gas this time along with a few more pharma companies. i'm hoping for any sort of reply by february. oh, that reminds me. i'll have to go down to the NUS career fair too. maybe an opportunity will present itself there, although my friend has said that several of the big chemical companies aren't making an appearance. not a very rosy picture, but well, that's how the situation is at this point. i should also remind myself not to jump on the first offer that comes along, unless it's something that really gets me interested. as of now, i have no plans to pursue teaching in singapore beyond what i'm currently doing at the learning lab. let's see if that stand will change over time.

right now, i think that i need to do something better with my time, preferably in exchange for monetary compensation. sadly, most of the things that do give monetary compensation also require a contract of some duration, usually for 6 months or up to a year. i can't afford to sign something like that now, especially with potential job opportunities incoming over the next few months. wish there was something more ad-hoc that i could do, like delivery driving, or some temporary admin job. but well...maybe i shouldn't complain too much. after all. i bet there are working professionals who wish they could be rotting at home all day. have to get back to the gym too; been away for almost a month. need to re-sign a package when my next paycheck comes in. oh! i didn't realize that united square revised their parking fees until i got hit by higher-than-normal carpark charges this past weekend. i think i paid 50% more on average. well, it was good while it lasted. i've got two potential new spots, but the fees listed sound a little too good to be true for the novena area. will give it a try this weekend.

-random thought of the day: Where did my Asian Games hoodie go!?-

Recent events have left my heart feeling full. reconnecting with a few friends and teachers will do that, i suppose. let's recap them in somewhat chronological order. on friday night, i went to united square to print notes for my early morning class on saturday. figured that it was better to prep earlier rather than later. since i was in the general vicinity, i messaged scary JC friend to see if she wanted a lift home after work. she agreed, but she wasn't going home. she was going to meet her bowling friend/my secondary school classmate for drinks somewhere in kovan, and she asked me along too. along with that friend, there were 2 other cat high guys there too, one of whom was rather notorious in our schooldays. he didn't remember me, but i certainly remembered him. looking at him now, though, you'd never believe me if i told you what he was like in secondary school. if there ever was a poster boy for "turning your life around", he'd be it. he told me his story, which involved several detours through another secondary school, polytechnic, JC, then NS and university. he's a lawyer-in-training now, so i guess things worked out eventually. it's true what my friend said, there probably isn't any cat high guy from our year who's doing poorly. or if there is, we don't know about it. i guess he's also proof that given enough time, people can grow up and mature. i wouldn't have associated with him in secondary school because he was a scary ah beng type, but i found myself enjoying our conversation immensely that night. we do have plans to catch up again soon for me to introduce some good sake to him, and he has plans to get me drunk. we'll see how that last one goes.

talking to him got me thinking about people from previous stages in life. so, i went to visit a few of my previous teachers, starting with my primary 5 and 6 form teacher, who's now a vice-principal in another primary school. she was almost exactly how i remembered her. we had a nice conversation reminiscing about the past (her catchphrase of "i punch your face" has been retired due to the changing sensitivities of modern-day kids) and figuring out what happened to my old classmates. i think i only know the whereabouts of maybe less than 10 of them. come to think of it, i'm not all that close to the primary school people. consequences of being a weird, unsocial kid, i guess. if i had to rank each stage of my life based on the number and quality of friendships, the current standing would be university in first place, JC in second, secondary school in third, then army and primary school tying for last place. it just occurred to me that next year is the 20th anniversary of graduating from primary school. my goodness, how did 20 years pass by!?

next stop was to see my JC form teacher, who left CJC together with us and has been at his current school for the past 12 years. he hasn't changed much either. we reconnected quite readily, and somehow i felt that he was talking to me on a more equal level. but i still can't seem to shake the feeling of being in the lower status of a student when talking to my old teachers. i was happy to learn that he's doing well, enjoying his life and his job. he gave me some career advice, and told me to consider taking up teaching. not regular MOE teaching, mind you, but teaching at an international school or for IB. apparently it's decent money, and opens up the path to an international stage since the IB is offered in various countries. it's an interesting thought, but i'll talk about job prospects later.

last stop for that day was cat high, where i very briefly caught my sec 1 and 2 form teacher as he was rushing to a meeting. he didn't remember my name, which is not exactly surprising. i mean, how many students have come and gone under his charge in the (at least) 18 years that he's been in the school? i also took a walk around the place for a bit, and it's changed even more since my last visit...which is natural, i guess. there's a lot of posters about chinese history and culture, display cases of ceramics and stuff...feels a little like a museum or an art exhibit. i'll say though, that if i were a student there now, i think i would enjoy going to school for the aesthetic value. apart from that teacher, all the people who taught me in my 4 years there had left. i mean sure, there were teachers still there that i recognized, but they never taught me. it feels familiar, yet foreign. like, the basic architecture of the school remained the same, such that if you were to drop me in any part of the school, i'd probably recognize it and be able to get my bearings. but with practically 99% of the people being different, there's a sense of not belonging there any more. it still feels like home, but a home where nobody recognizes you. i suppose it's a natural consequence of the flow of time.

had dinner with some of the chemistry guys at the suntec guild house. it's nice to have friends who make the effort to meet up, especially now that we're all not together in school any more. jobless me aside, none of them work in the same company, which is why i really appreciate that we still find time for each other. it was nice getting caught up with everyone and reminiscing about some events that happened in school. everyone seems to be doing well, which is reassuring. out of the 5 of us there last night, 3 are single, 1 is engaged, and 1 is married. i know that it's not a race, but a small part of me wants to find a partner. thankfully, most of me still agrees on remaining single and working on myself before turning my focus outwards. there are slightly more practical concerns, though, like finding a house and finding the money for a house. no doubt it would be easier with the income from two people, but that probably isn't a good enough reason to go rushing into a relationship.

job prospects now. i'm still waiting to hear back from 5 other chemical companies. well, 4. apparently one filled the position already. thankfully, my #1 choice still has the vacancy open, so we'll see. it's been 2 weeks out of the stated 1 month waiting period, so i suppose that there is still hope. in the meantime, i will probably apply to other companies, including non-pharma ones. one of the other chemistry guys did say that his company was looking to hire, but that's more to the medical side. at this point in time, i'm not desperate enough to start applying for jobs with only loose connections to my degree, but maybe i should give it a try anyway. as for teaching, i'm not entirely sure that i want to make a career out of teaching. i've always seen myself as being more at home in a lab as opposed to the front of a classroom. but i don't deny that there are upsides to teaching as compared to a corporate job. more time off from work, for one, and the content basically remains the same, with minor changes to the syllabus once every 5 years or so. i'm fairly certain that they're not going to move the current university syllabus down to secondary school, although a little might seep into JC. even then, i'm pretty sure that the knowledge from my undergrad times will be sufficient to teach at JC level. interestingly, more than a few people that i talked to asked if i was looking overseas for job opportunities. so far, i haven't really applied overseas, but it's becoming increasingly attractive as an option. if i had free choice in where i want to go (well, i kind of do), i would pick japan or australia as they are reasonably close by, and i've enjoyed my time as a tourist in those countries. i'm not brave enough to buy a one-way ticket to somewhere like south america and start from scratch there.

you know, it seems that a good way to be successful is to find a niche market. and a good formula for job satisfaction is doing something that you are good at, and enjoy doing. i've identified a potential niche that i could cater to quite well, and that's teaching scientific english in japan. the english learning industry is apparently huge over there, but most schools only seem to advertise either general or business english. apparently, osaka university has come up with a scientific english program as well, so there seems to be a need for it. maybe i'll start enquiring down this track too. it's a little too late to go after the JET program, unless i'm aiming for next year's intake. hopefully i won't be unemployed for that long. JET aside, there are also private schools teaching (usually spoken) english, but i wonder if there's a market for written english as well. should probably do a bit more research in this direction, and weigh the pros and cons again.

been working at the learning lab for about 3.5 months now, and i think i've got a pretty good overall view of the situation. i'm generally happy with the staff and work routine, though i'm still questioning their decision to have me teach lower sec bio. i guess it's a way for them to get more value for their money, but if you ask me honestly, i'd say that i provide almost no additional value by teaching a subject that i have no experience in. having been through the education system for physics and chemistry, i can tell the kids important definitions, concepts, and formulae. for bio, everything looks like general knowledge to me. what i'm doing is using the learning outcomes at the start of the notes and shaping the lesson around that. it seems to work for now, so that's good in a way. i was a little annoyed by some teachers not leaving instructions on what to cover. now that it's regular term time, the teachers have more flexibility of what to teach in class, since students from different schools will be learning different things for the same subject. as you'll know, i like to operate on perfect knowledge as far as possible, so not having a plan gets kind of frustrating. and as luck would have it, it's a bio teacher whose class i've had to cover. it wouldn't be that bad for physics and chem, because i only need minimal preparation before going into class. that's not the case for bio. well...i'm just hoping that this teacher doesn't take too much leave. sure, leave is an entitlement, but i've covered that class about 4 times in the past 2 months. it's not good that the kids see a cover teacher almost as much as their regular teacher. that reminds me, i've got to block off leave for my friend's wedding in china.

nothing much scheduled in the near future, just more job hunting and exploring options outside of the chemical industry. it's odd how my blogging frequency is decreasing despite my free time. at least the posts are longer, so i hope that makes up for it somewhat. i do have one more place to visit (likely tomorrow), and several post ideas to develop on. along with "why i won't have kids", "my impression of a typical singaporean" is also something that came to mind. maybe i should talk a bit about my thoughts towards renouncing singaporean citizenship, and linked to that, what's keeping me attached to singapore. oh! evaluating my life's choices so far seems plausible too. all of those sound like pretty good ideas; guess i'll work through them slowly.

-random thought of the day: Need to be more active.-

Started a post on monday, but never got around to finishing it because i went out for dinner. more on that later. in the meantime, let's talk about dinner with final fantasy guy first. that was last friday, where we had ramen at cineleisure. he's more attractive in real life than in photos (to me, at least). we had pretty good conversation over dinner, which was nice. honestly, i don't know if we will become an item or not. based on the things he said, i do realize that we are somewhat different in terms of personality, and at different stages of life, to boot. but it's good to know that people like him still exist in the world. he seems so incredibly perfect, and therein lies a problem too. he was saying that sometimes, people intentionally date flawed people in order to try and fix them, something like "saviour complex" which i experienced in my interaction with 野郎. turns out that he wasn't in need of saving...he was just ruled by his hormones. i'm not sure why this complex exists; maybe it helps the "saviour" feel that their actions are more significant and that they are making an impact in someone else's life. so i think you can imagine that when dating someone who doesn't need any "saving", people might be a little intimidated, and/or think that they can't bring any value to the relationship. it's not exactly a correct train of thought, but i can understand why people would think that way. in the specific case between me and final fantasy guy, i don't think that i'd be intimidated by that. based on past experience, the ex was quite self-sufficient, and that wasn't the reason for the eventual breakup. but final fantasy guy has said that he needs his alone time too, like he'll isolate himself for a while after extended social interaction...to the point of not replying messages. not sure if i can handle that. i mean, i do do the isolation thing too, but i would definitely check my messages and reply if it was someone important. well, i don't want to rush into things, so the current status of being friends who game together and meet occasionally is fine with me. there was one thing about our meeting that was simultaneously annoying and reassuring at the same time. he had scheduled to meet someone after dinner to collect some cosplay stuff, and didn't tell me beforehand until a few hours before the dinner. i usually keep my time free if i'm meeting someone, in case it takes longer than expected. i suppose i have no right to be annoyed, since we did just say it was a dinner meeting. but the reassuring thing was that he said that we'd have a longer/less rushed dinner in future, implying that there'd be a next time. not sure when (or if) he'll remember, or when his schedule will allow for another dinner meeting, but i think it was a decent save, given the circumstances.

didn't do much over the weekend, or indeed for most of this week too. think i need to get out of the house more. had wanted to check out the gym at safra tampines, but i remembered why i don't usually visit other mainstream gyms. they all require people to be wearing shoes when training! maybe it's the effect of training in judo, or the asian custom of not wearing shoes at home, but i find shoes to be uncomfortable. that's not to say that i'm a barefoot hippie, though if given a choice, i will usually pick slippers over shoes unless i know that there are certain constraints, like formality or safety considerations. i'll probably go for a new genesis package soon, after this month's payday. just hoping that the month-long absence won't undo too much of the work that i've put in so far.

on monday, which was when i wrote the unpublished version of this post, i had two major plans: visit city square mall, and meet scary JC friend. took a noontime drive to city square mall, with the intention of checking out the decathlon store there to see if they sold foam rollers. they do, but it's the short, hollow kind...exactly the opposite of what i was looking for! have to order it online, i guess. though i didn't buy anything, it wasn't exactly a wasted trip. i got to compare prices, and it seems that paying about $30 for a solid long foam roller is justifiable, considering that the hollow short ones cost from $15 to $25. bonus was that they offered free lunchtime parking. seems like more and more malls are doing that these days. since this was only my 4th time (at most) visiting city square mall, i also spent some time walking around to get a feel for the layout and the types of shops there. it's actually bigger than i'd thought. i'd estimate it to be about 2/3 the size of vivocity. there's a surprising variety of shops there! apart from the usual food and supermarket, there's a fitness first branch, a private school/institution for exam preparation, golden village cinema, and several early education tuition centres. most amazingly, they had this huge aerial netted playground suspended in the middle of the mall. it spanned 3 storeys at least. would have loved to give it a try, but common sense and cowardice won out. not sure how often i'll go back there, since it's kind of out of the way of my usual haunts. nevertheless, it's good to know alternative venues to find stuff.

had a strange role reversal with scary JC friend at dinner. usually, i'm the one going to her about relationship problems, but this time round, she was the one who wanted to talk about her relationship problems. in the interest of her privacy, i won't say too much about what the exact problem is. but it was quite...interesting to see her having trouble with coming to a final decision. she's normally extremely decisive and handles the consequences of her decisions as they come up, so seeing her hesitate was quite new. after she told me all the details of the issue, i reached pretty much the same conclusion as she did. now, i'm under no illusion of being able to affect her decisions; she's too strong-willed for that. i guess she just needed confirmation that her initial decision was the best one that she could possibly make. only thing is that she has trouble with actually going through with it. it's a matter of timing, i suppose. whatever the case is, i think she'll be ok. since we were meeting anyway, and to take her mind off things, i told her about dinner with final fantasy guy. her opinion is that it may work out, but not right now. we're at different stages of life - him schooling, me entering the workforce. it's significantly different enough that our schedules won't match, plus with the age gap, it's more than likely that our thoughts and priorities will be different. i see the sense in that, though i wonder how couples who met in undergrad but then took different paths can survive. like my friend, who's in grad school but whose wife is working. well, i'm doing my best to not rush into anything, so i guess it's for the best at this point of time.

another interesting thing that happened on monday was that my secondary school friend was invited to the dinner. the world is truly both larger and smaller than we imagine. it's not that complicated, actually. i was friends and CCA mates with this guy in secondary school, even classmates in lower secondary. we both went on to CJC, and he continued in bowling, which was where he met scary JC friend. they'd only recently got back in contact too, and seemed to be hitting it off well. before this dinner, the last time i saw him was maybe 3 years ago, at a gathering at another classmate's house. we didn't really talk much then, on account of not having talked for like, 10 years prior to that, but we caught up a fair bit on monday. of all the topics on which to find common ground with each other, we found it in pens! he's incorporating fountain pens into his daily work, which i find admirable. should do the same once i land a job. i was initially surprised that we had that topic in common, but then i remembered that he was one of the more artistic kids in our year. scary JC friend was a little surprised at how much and how quickly we were at ease with each other, but then again, i don't think it's all that strange. he's a nice guy, and we were reasonably close due to CCA and being in the same class. it was kind of like picking up where we left off. we went to his place in serangoon to continue the conversation, and because both of them wanted to drink. i met his dad, who used to give some of the bowling kids a lift to marina bay MRT after training on CCA days. he's changed a fair bit...then again, i suppose 17 years will change just about anyone. we reminisced about a great many things, and talked about planning a small cat high get-together around CNY. that's something to look forward to, i think.

job hunting hasn't been going as smoothly as i'd have liked. then again, i suppose that i'm bound to encounter setbacks at some point. i'll admit to having been extremely lucky so far in graduating and getting the weekend gig with the learning lab. out of the 6 companies i applied to, one of them replied within the same day to get me to do this psychological assessment thing, which i did. they then said that they wouldn't be considering my application any further. i don't know if the assessment had an impact on that, or if i was applying for a job that was too far below my qualifications. for what it's worth, i didn't give "textbook" answers to the assessment. i chose the responses that best indicated how i'd actually react in the situations that were presented to me. well...i don't know. considering that the average time taken for some chemistry grads i know to find a job is upwards of 3 months, it would be optimistic to the point of foolishness to think that my first job application would succeed. nevertheless, there are 5 more companies to which i've already applied, and many more to which i plan to send applications, so i'm definitely expecting that it will take some time. but everything happens for a reason. i'm sure that things will work out in a way that's the best for me. i wonder, should i consider overseas employment opportunities? that's a thought that i'll explore in another post.

-random thought of the day: Clean up my phone's contact list.-

Is the universe really working so that things go in my favour!? i had decided to start on job applications today, and was editing my resume. on a whim, i opened my NUS email, to find that they'd sent me the conferment letter! so my degree and new status is official. it just leaves me to say bow before my feet that the friendships or relationships built through the years don't change with this development. that would be incredibly shallow. but going back to job application, i guess that this gives me a bit more certainty, as i can now confidently say that i've got the degree. applied to 6 big chemical companies today, hope that something comes out of this. i'm keeping civil service jobs as a second option/backup, because i would really prefer not to work for government agencies.

this new year is a bit busier than normal. i've had several dinner appointments lined up, first of which being one last night with some of the judo elders. my host from australia, along with his wife, came back to singapore to settle some things, so we got together for a meal. i really can't believe that he's 79 years old. his mind is sharp, and he looks like he could take on someone a decade younger. i'm happy to see that he's still healthy and enjoying life. he's also quite up-to-date with current affairs, which is really admirable. hopefully i have the chance to visit him again soon. tonight's dinner is with my big brother figure, who i haven't seen since sometime in december. got a few things to catch him up on, i suppose. lastly, dinner tomorrow is with final fantasy guy. we're having ramen in orchard. not my first choice of place to go, but i'm not complaining. not too sure how it will go, but i'll just hope for the best at this point.

right. i've got another 3-ish hours to go before dinner. since we're meeting at waterway point, i'll take the chance to go to the m1 shop and clarify some doubts about my data usage and recontracting my plan. apart from the stuff already mentioned, i don't think there's any other significant events in the upcoming week. seems like a good time to just relax before work comes along.

-random thought of the day: Get a haircut.-

For close to the past decade, NUS has occupied a significant portion of my thoughts during the new year period. be it about pulling up my grades, what modules to take, or the progress of my research, my mind has never strayed too far from school. this year though, none of those things matter any more. the only thing i'm thinking about is when my conferment email will come in. i met the submission deadline for my degree to be conferred in january, so i'm hoping that it arrives sometime this week.

like i mentioned yesterday, i'm coming out into the working world this year. it certainly presents a new and somewhat different set of challenges. i'm sure that the skills required to handle some challenges can be carried over, like dealing with people, problem solving, and negotiating win-wins. actually, the first challenge would be to find a job. hopefully that won't take longer than 2 months. i think i'll approach my desired company directly first. failing that, i'll do the career fair and recruitment firm alternatives together.

romance-wise, while getting in a good relationship would be nice, i think i'll be ok with remaining single for a while longer. there are a couple of reasons behind this thought, namely that (1) not being satisfied with my own appearance will be a huge stumbling block, and (2) i'd save money by not dating. as you may have read, my bank account needs to be built back up so that there's a larger safety net below me. i should also use this opportunity to remind myself that looks aren't everything. no physical attribute can make up for a lousy personality. it's probably a timely reminder too, because i've been feeling a little jealous when i see people posting about their dates and encounters. i just wish that i could be in their position. maybe that will happen after i reach what i consider to be attractive? it might be TMI for some, but i guess i should say that there are different standards when considering someone for a relationship vs for something with no emotional attachment.

now that i have a sort-of stable job, i should start planning my finances and savings. considering that i'm working 2 jobs, my aim is to have 5 digits in my bank account by the end of the year. this is assuming that there's no sudden huge expenditure, of course. i've planned for things like insurance premiums and car servicing, which have been forecast. as long as i don't fall unexpectedly ill, or have to fork out money for traffic tickets or anything like that, i think it should be ok.

i haven't really been in the habit of making resolutions for the past few years. i find that it's unnecessarily pressurizing, especially in the case where you get to the end of the year and realize how far away you still are from meeting some of the resolutions. in general, what i try to do is to be a better person with each passing day. the definition of "better" is subjective, though. in my case, i interpret that to mean improving myself in some way. whether it's learning something new, being nicer/kinder to people who deserve it, or lifting heavier weights in the gym. as long as we do the best we can, i think that's about all we can ask for.

ok, i think that's it for now. i'm going into 2019 with several dinner plans to catch up with friends and people important to me. final fantasy guy did ask about dinner plans, so that's a positive sign. i'm hoping that something good will come out of this, but well...let's see how things go. if you've stuck with me so far, here's wishing you a productive year.

-random thought of the day: Remember to watch the food intake.-