Just because i'm in a relationship, it doesn't mean that i'm going to forego/forget things that are important to me. i continued my tradition of year-end posts when i was with the ex, and i plan on doing the same now that i'm with L. of course, some compromises may have to be made, like i'm writing this post in the afternoon while he's at work instead of the usual practice of writing it at night, because we have date plans later.

i've got a good idea of what the theme should be. the idea i have in my mind is "______ing roots". the problem is finding the best verb to fit in that blank. some candidates i thought of using include "establish", "sink", "strengthen", but none of them really resonate with me. perhaps i'll go more general and just say that this year's theme is just "roots". that actually sounds better, considering all that's happened.

as you can see, this year was my attempt to find my place in the world - literally! hard to believe that 365 days ago, i was still in japan. since then, i've tried the UK, and ultimately decided on singapore. feels like one of those stupid movie plots where the hero goes off to far-flung places in search of treasure, only to realize that the treasure was buried in his backyard all along. there's no place like home, maybe? in a way, it's made me appreciate how convenient having citizenship is.

actually, let's estimate the proportion of time spent in each country this year. japan: 4 months or 33.3%. UK: 2.5 months or 20.8%. that leaves singapore: 5.5 months or 45.8%. that's a lot more even than i thought it would be! feels like i did more in singapore, but that might just be because more significant things happened here.

looking back, i'd say this year had higher ups and lower downs, but it was overall good. way to go, dragon year! my archives show that i didn't write a birthday post this year, so i should state that i've completed my third full chinese zodiac cycle. i guess i have the dragon year magic to thank for landing a job within the year. the only thing i feel slightly regretful about in that area is not asking for a higher pay. my cousin told me during a recent family lunch that only in singapore and malaysia, candidates should ask for a single figure instead of quoting a range, because companies will more often than not offer the lower limit of the range. that's exactly what happened in my case! he also told me that i should have asked for a monthly figure that's $300 more than what i put down. but well...i'm grateful that i already landed the job. and who knows? they might have declined if they felt i was asking for too much. now that i have my foot firmly wedged in the door, the goal is to look for ways and means to get increments/promotions. that starts with passing my 9-month(!) probation.

regret is something i try not to do. instead, i frame things as learning experiences. having said that, i'm going to do something uncharacteristic and think - if i could go back to end-2023 with my current knowledge and set myself up for a successful 2024, what would i do differently? first of all, i wouldn't apply for the UK visa. that would save me a bunch of money and 2.5 months of time. i would have also stayed the full term on JET. that would give me 3 more months of salary while i applied for jobs back in singapore, and i would have avoided the whole conflict with the prefectural office. alternatively, i might have applied for this job a year earlier and left in end-2023. i would also not have bothered so long with GD. instead of trying to see the good in him and hoping for something to come out of that interaction, i should have treated it transactionally from the start.

but you know what they say, things happen for a reason. remember i mentioned that my mentor figure told me not to go to the UK, and that in my shoes, he would rip the visa out of my passport? although i ultimately gave up on the UK, it would have been different if i'd given up without trying. i'd probably still be wondering 'what if?' and be harbouring a fair amount of resentment to anyone who convinced me not to go. i guess you could say i spent $6000 in visa fees, $2500 in air tickets, and $2500 in living expenses ($11000 total!!?) to learn that lesson and gain the experience of living in the UK. and if i didn't go through all that rubbish with GD, i wouldn't have had the chance to meet L. that short period of suffering is worth it for a potential lifetime of happiness. as it is, i've been dating L for around the same time or slightly longer than my interaction with GD, and that investment's already paid itself off.

could it be that i'm still in the honeymoon phase? 3 months isn't exactly a short time, but it's by no means long, either. i wonder if it's because we're older, we're kind of speeding through the dating process. i will admit that i get stabs of uncertainty sometimes, especially when he teases me. i know that he doesn't mean it and he's in it with me for the long haul, but it feels bad in the moment. he says it's rooted in my trauma and he wants to get to the bottom of it. maybe i should talk more; he might find something in what i think is inconsequential nonsense.

well, that about sums up my year. i'm grateful not only for my time on JET, but also that there's a support network in the form of the JET alumni association. the singapore chapter appears to be decently active, and the members seem nice enough. don't think i'll be gunning for a position of power there at this point, but i'm ok with attending events and talking about japan. it's like what the president said when she gave me a lift after the end-of-year party last saturday - you can talk endlessly about JET to people who have never been, but they still won't get you on the same level that an ex-JET will. while it sounds a bit elitist/exclusive, i agree with it. after all, JET is an experience, and unless you've actually lived it, you won't understand some of the struggles that we faced. no, going there as a tourist doesn't count! actually, i'm sure even though i'm an ex-JET, i can't fully empathize with the JETs who came in with zero japanese. that's a whole other level of adventurous.

for the future, i'm looking forward to bigger and better things next year, including more time with L, working towards getting my (our) own place, and finally earning a bit more money. as usual, i'll go into detail about next year's things tomorrow. that's another tradition i'm not giving up!

-random thought of the day: Grateful for all the experiences this year.-

L's back at work today after more than 2 weeks of leave, and i'm home alone blogging. had to wait for a delivery ordered by his best friend. she sent him (us?) a box of chocolate figurines and another tin of i'm guessing regular chocolate. can't wait to crack them open with L tonight! we also went to her place yesterday for a christmas gathering with that friend group. it was nice. i got along pretty well with them even though i'm the so-called "outsider" to the group. hopefully we'll see more of each other in the future.

so for this post, i thought i'd focus more on work. with the reporting date being about 10 days away, i want to focus my attention there and go in with some sort of baseline or game plan. more practically, i have to figure out what to bring, transportation, and other logistics. on the other extreme (abstractness vs. practicality), i also want to talk about how i'm going to approach this whole idea of work/this job.

let's go practical first. i've received my day 1 instructions, which are to report at 9:30am. i'll aim to reach the office building at 9:15 to give myself some buffer time and breathing room. the HR people were nice enough to send my day 1 schedule over, and it looks quite well-paced. not like we're doing that much anyway, but i appreciate that they still blocked off some time for "training admin", aka. free-ish time. i'm also apparently receiving a company laptop, so getting the big backpack seems to have been a good decision.

that thought links to what i should pack. in my primary schooldays, i never really packed/organized my bag that much, and that resulted in me bringing books/materials that were unneeded on certain days. it was only when the textbooks got too heavy in secondary school that i started to pay more attention to bag organization. while i doubt that my bag will be that heavy again, optimizing the weight of my bag will be kinder on my old bones. let's do a list of things that will/might go in my bag:

- company laptop + accessories

- pencil case (to figure out what to put in there as well)

- 2 or 3 files for papers

- notebook

- lunchbox container

- water bottle

- change of clothes on gym days

- gym shoes or slippers (in rainy weather)

- power bank + USB cable (routed within bag)

- umbrella

- earphones

i think those should be the essentials? looks like everything should come in under 10kg, depending on the model of laptop i'm given, of course. as mentioned above, i'll still have to sort my pencil case out, and maybe decide to bring a completely new notebook instead of continuing the one i used while on JET. the latter seems more befitting of a fresh start. time to reexamine my notebook collection!

as for lodging and transportation, i'll be going from L's place, which has a direct bus. downside is that it takes about an hour, possibly even longer due to morning traffic. the alternative of taking the bus to serangoon and changing to the MRT takes about the same time, so that double sucks. i'm hoping that the orientation will mention a hybrid work model. even one day's reduction in commuting requirements would be a blessing. as for after work, i have a few direct buses to L's workplace. considering he ends later than me (assuming no overtime), i can go pick him up before we head home together. seriously...it feels a bit like married life! but i'm not complaining. an alternative to this plan would be to stay with my aunt, but that will only happen in the latter half of the year earliest as my cousin is asking to move back in while he finds a new place closer to his daughter's school. he naturally gets priority since my aunt is his mother and he gets priority anyway because he's doing it for his kid. for the record, i'm not upset with him at all. while it would be way more convenient for me to stay at my aunt's place due to the distance (short enough to make cycle commuting a possibility), he needs it more than i do. the current consensus is that we'll open up this discussion again once he's found a place to buy and move into. besides, if i'm feeling crazy enough, i might try to cycle from L's place to the office. that would be an excellent way to get my cardio in!

here's where i talk about what i want to do at work, and where the line starts to blur from tangible to intangible. some people work only so that they can earn money to do the things they want to. on the more idealistic side, there are those who work because they enjoy the job, or feel a certain sense of calling/fulfillment. i think both are important. living in singapore, i know that money is important. at the same time, JET has shown me that i need things beyond money to keep me engaged in a job. the key is to find a balance. another thing i realized on JET is that i can be too obliging. going for after-school activities, having extra eiken prep sessions, all past my official knock-off time. so the plan is to participate in company things and to do my best for the company, but at the same time giving more weight to my life outside of work. what this means in tangible actions is that i will do my best to leave the office on time. i realize that a possible reason for me often staying late in japan is because there was nothing waiting for me at home. with a partner in the mix, i would imagine that the excitement of seeing him should outweigh most reasons to stay late!

on the interpersonal side, i'm also going to be...reserved, is the best way to put it i think? like, i'm not there to make friends. to quote my old guild leader, "friendship can't clear content". of course having one more friend is better than having one more enemy, but my main purpose in the office isn't to socialize. letting friendships form organically seems to be the way to go here. i will help others out whenever i can, but not when it threatens to compromise my own well-being. having said that, i still have no idea who else is in my cohort. considering the specialized nature of the work, my guess is that they should come from either NUS or NTU if they're local. might see a few familiar faces, for all i know!

guess that wraps it up for now...i have other thoughts regarding my daily routine and things i want to fit in it, but that will have to wait until i start work, so i have a better idea of my own energy levels and my capacity for doing things before/after work. these things include going to the gym, meal prep, laundry, and any other tasks/chores that come up. this is probably the best i can do at this point. don't want to overprepare and then be at a loss if some of the actual conditions should be different than what i assumed while planning. it's important to be flexible!

-random thought of the day: More things to move over to L's place.-

Experienced a few new things over the past week. first time (in a long time) driving regularly in singapore, first time on a cruise, first time in an escape room. apart from recounting those events, i also want to talk about an extended family lunch and some realizations i had. if there's still brain space, i'll then talk about starting work.

one of the chemistry guys was going overseas, and he lent me his car with the condition that i bring it to the workshop after a weekend. the amount of trust he has in me to propose something like that...i'm quite humbled. thankfully, i delivered the car to the workshop in time and with no new damage. the 2.5 days of having a car at my disposal reminded me how convenient having a personal vehicle is. it was also extremely easy to fall into the trap of driving frivolously. like, L and i will usually eat within walking distance of home if we don't have plans to be elsewhere. but having a car allowed us to venture further...at the cost of petrol and parking fees, of course. i don't think it's necessarily good to drive out just because you can, but i also have to admit that an occasional change in scenery is nice.

driving for those few days got me thinking about affording a car in singapore. from past experience, i know that maintaining a second-hand car is doable on my salary. but then there's been a bunch of inflation and my priorities have also shifted. i won't deny it - it's tempting! especially with all the bells and whistles that newer models seem to have. gone are the days of connecting to the car audio system via a 3.5mm jack; it's all either USB or bluetooth now. reminder to self: it's not a need. it's just a want. i can do without a car until i'm more financially stable.

it just occurred to me that i've travelled by plane before travelling by boat. seems like the sequence is wrong...it should be over land, then sea, then air, right? i actually don't know how that ranking is derived. cost, maybe. anyway, my first experience on a cruise was overwhelmingly positive. the service was excellent, food was freely available, and there were so many things to do! the ship was practically a hotel on the water, and i regret not agreeing to a longer voyage.

but perhaps a short first trip was the way to go. after all, i wasn't sure if i'd be seasick so we erred on the side of caution. i wasn't, by the way; the ship was super stable with no lurching and only the slightest swaying. the fact that i severely underestimated the size/scale of the ship also meant that i severely underestimated the number of people on board. i might have misheard, but i think one of the staff said that the kitchens prepared meals for 30000 people daily? let's say that there are 8 decks set aside for guest accommodation and 100 rooms per deck. if each room is occupied by 2.5 people on average, that would amount to 2500 people. add another maybe 1000 staff for 3500. maybe i misheard or the staff misspoke. whatever it is, that's still a huge scale!!

the problem with having that number of people in a small-ish space is that the population density is high. and with people more likely to exhibit entitled behaviour while on holiday, let's just say i had a few unpleasant encounters. one of the more notable ones was this woman filming a live performance on a large screen. she held it up so high, too! thankfully i wasn't directly blocked by her, but it was irritating enough that i made sure to identify her and call her an idiot as she walked past after the show ended. i  don't understand why people can't just live in the moment and appreciate the show. it's not like they'll rewatch the recordings very frequently, right? although she might in this case, since i noticed that she only recorded when a muscular shirtless guy was performing acrobatic stunts. there were also parents setting bad examples for their kids, and i made sure to let them know what i thought of them. some people really shouldn't be allowed to reproduce. idiots aside, there were so many children, toddlers, and babies! the noise, my goodness. now more than ever, i believe that parents should not bring babies or kids on holidays, not until the kids are capable of volume regulation. it's not like the kids will remember it anyway!

despite all that, i still enjoyed my time with L and his dad. i'm grateful that L thinks similarly to me about how people should behave in public. he actually shared with me how he'd handle some of the situations differently, and not once did he mention apologizing to the offending people. i actually think he's more willing to start a scene than i am! that's in stark contrast to the ex, who would try to downplay things and avoid conflict most of the time. i seem to have gotten closer to the dad too...can't really explain it but it feels easier to talk to him now? not that he was standoffish or anything before, it was just my own mental block about it. L seems to be happy that i'm taking the effort to engage his dad more, so it's wins all around. i even gathered the courage to ask the dad for his permission to stay with them after starting work, and he agreed! my initial proposal was that i pay rent, but he shot that down. so the plan is that i'll help to pay some of the bills, exact details to be discussed at a later point.

to do things chronologically, i'll talk about the family lunch first. that was on saturday, and it was to celebrate a few birthdays as well as christmas/new year. there were 7 kids in attendance, which made me feel like a proper old man. the thing i realized was this: to the kids, members of my generation are "uncle" or "auntie", while members of the generation above mine are "granduncle" or "grandaunt". there's somewhat of a shift in perspective because we address each other/them differently! not like i'm not used to being an uncle or anything...i became an uncle at 5 years old. but perhaps it's because the age gap is wider and i'm now able to care for my nieces/nephews in a way that i couldn't previously. i wouldn't go as far as to say that it's expected of me, but i quite like to buy the occasional gift or treat for the kids. on a side note, i think my aunt realized something was up because she asked me about my living arrangements once work started. not sure when it'll happen, but i do want to bring L to meet her. that's a topic for another day.

scary JC friend passed her exams, and she's due to get her real estate agent licence (pending a background check)! her boyfriend passed 1 out of 2 papers, which means he'll have to resit it a few months later. to celebrate, we went to an escape room yesterday. it was also L's and my 3rd month of dating, which i'd clean forgotten at the time. luckily i remembered it today! we decided against the horror-themed rooms and went for something of the secret agent/kingsmen type. between the 4 of us (scary JC friend, her boyfriend, L, and me), we finished it 33 minutes into our allotted hour. i thought that it was decently manageable! plus, i liked the story. we did run into a couple of stumbling blocks, mainly because we were thinking too deeply into what the clues could possibly mean. i'd rate the difficulty at maybe 3/5? to provide a reference, the website said that about half of the parties completed the room without hints, and that number rises to about 90% with hints. more than the story, i was really impressed at how technology was used. there were proximity sensors, light sensors, some magnetic field thing, and a phone that required you to input a certain combination of numbers to get the next clue. i also like how they made us use all our senses (except taste). scary JC friend tells me that some escape rooms in china are bigger and better, with lifts to take the participants between floors. overall it was fun, and i kind of want to do other rooms now. no horror-themed ones, of course.

since we had time to kill after finishing early, we went to this matcha place in plaza singapura for a small bite before a proper dinner. the food was average at best, service was nonexistent. to think they still had a service charge! L paid for the food to celebrate their passing the exams. i wasn't expecting him to do that, and the fact that he did it really warmed my heart. it shows me that he treats my friends as his own. also, the way we interacted in the escape room further reinforces that we're on a good trajectory. some people don't react well to pressure - getting aggressive, shutting off/down, or whatever other negative behaviour there can be. i think between the 4 of us, things never really got heated and we were all very positive when we finished it...so, successful bonding experience! there is one thing he does that i need to talk to him about, but it's by no means a deal-breaker. it's also something better discussed in private, so...sorry!

i really do need to talk about work. my thoughts towards it, goals, things i have to remember and prioritize, etc. but this post has gotten long enough. over the next week and a bit, you can expect that post, along with maybe one or two more about formally moving in with L. after that, there'll be the usual year-end/new year posts, and perhaps a few more after starting work. i've actually decided on my theme this year already, along with a kind of outline for the post. i'm also going to do something i usually try not to, and wonder 'what if?', but not in a negative way. you'll get it when you see it. L is currently at a company christmas party, and is apparently ready to leave. don't know the exact time, but i do know that i'm slated to spend tonight with him. feels good to say that.

-random thought of the day: Aching from gymming on the cruise!-

Recent posts have been rather superficial...and today's might be too. i do want to blog about a couple of interesting things L and i have been up to, and some thoughts/observations about people i've noticed in the course of our daily outings. deeper stuff like thoughts about work and the usual year-end post will come in future posts over the next few weeks.

i'm staying over at L's place a lot more now...maybe up to 4 or 5 nights a week, possibly even more. it's a welcome development, since it means less frustration/annoyance with people touching my things (yes, it's STILL ongoing and is why i really want to move out ASAP). the other implication is that L hasn't gotten tired of me yet, which is a great sign. don't know why, but the undercurrent of worry/anxiety is still there. scary JC friend says she's happy that things are going well, and that i deserve to be happy with L. "deserve" is a very strong word, and using it feels entitled somehow. i guess that would apply for things like material possessions, but happiness is on a different scale. if everyone deserves to be happy, and i am part of "everyone", then i deserve to be happy too.

dates with L have been good, as usual. the 2 most memorable activities in the past week actually happened on the same date. we went to punggol library and joined a 3D printing primer class. it also gives access to the 3D printers in 4 libraries around the island. i'm quite excited to use them! apart from 3D printers, the facility also has sewing machines, laser cutters, and a few more interesting types of equipment. problem is that they're only available by booking, and slots run out fast. guess i'll have to maximize time on the machine by designing the model at home and only going to the library to print it.

before that, we stopped by the nearby temple to pay respects to L's mother. he said he'd wanted to bring me there earlier into our relationship, but he saw it as a positive thing that i decided to give us some time before this. anyway, i think it's a positive development. we've still got to go to the main site at mandai, but that's something for the future.

as part of teaching on JET, i spent time around kids an teenagers basically on a daily basis in japan. even though the kids had video-capable phones, i never saw them taking videos. in singapore, i've noticed 2 separate groups of secondary school-aged girls taking videos of some stupid trend. the first one was at sushiro, and i was (in)conveniently seated next to them. i wouldn't have minded if they were quiet, but part of their dance(?) involved banging on the shared counter and speaking in the typical bimbotic valley girl accent. the second group was doing something else at the open space at the multi-storey carpark block. i'm more inclined to look past this second one because it's an open public space and there's room to evade them.

at the time in sushiro, i was debating on whether or not to confront them. i didn't, ultimately. it was partly the fear of being recorded and/or accused of child abuse or worse. there's also an added fear that this might get onto social media and affect my job prospects. imagine getting fired before even showing up for work! i guess that's what turns singaporeans cowardly and conflict-avoidant. the annoying thing is i feel this sense of...regret? after the opportune time to confront them is over. guess i should find a better way to do things. like, stand up for myself and educate them, all while remaining above the law and public judgement. anyway, it's really dried up my faith in the younger generations. they seem to be a bunch of airheads addicted to social media and/ore inconsiderate morons willing to debase themselves for views and likes. i wonder, did the previous generations think of us like that too? maybe i'm entering my cantankerous old man phase about 30 years too early.

notice: i'll be away on a cruise from tuesday to friday. going with L and his dad, so i'm a tiny bit nervous. but i'm sure our relationship will be the same, if not stronger. also for the next post, briefly talk about having a car.

-random thought of the day: Sleepy.-

Weird dream log time! it's been a while since i've done one of these, hasn't it? today's weird dream involved one of my cousins (retired cousin's younger brother, for context). in the dream, he was holding a wedding ceremony in singapore at a venue in east coast a short walk from my aunt's house. that in itself is weird, because he lives in australia now. i was at the house and had picked out my attire (a pink striped shirt and brown boat shoes - random detail). as i was getting ready to depart for the ceremony, someone told me not to go because an elevator shaft was spoiling the backdrop and the pictures wouldn't turn out nice. i felt that this was a targeted attack because everyone else was still going, and that made me quite upset. i forget what exactly i did; i may have punched the person, but i do remember yelling that the ceremony should be cancelled. i know that that cousin is seeing someone, but i don't know if they're engaged or married yet. reminder to self: if that cousin ever holds a wedding/engagement ceremony in singapore, keep my cool when things go wrong.

life with L is still good; he's clearing his leave days over this period, which results in us having more time together. despite that, i'm feeling this small uneasiness. truly, humans are masters of self-sabotage. see, things are going well. and in my head it's like 'things are going too well'. not that i'm about to start a fight on purpose or anything, but i just wonder if L will get tired of me or something like that. guess it's my insecurity acting up. it's perhaps because i'm not used to this stability, or i'm thinking too much. considering my past relationship, i guess it's both. it's still hard (but getting easier) to believe that L likes me as i am. he expresses his love differently from the way i do, so it's important to remember and understand that.

since i don't have much going on right now (except dates and living with L), i really don't have much to update about. oh! perhaps i could mention that we were invited to a small, casual meet-up at L's friend's place. she lives with her girlfriend, which i think is amazing and something that i want to work towards. while L's dad is nice and has been great whenever i stay over, there's still a sense of mild discomfort - like, it isn't my house so i've got to obey rules that i may not agree with. L's dad is quite particular about food waste and expiry dates, for instance. it's nothing relationship-breaking, mind you. but i still want my own place and the freedom that it brings.

our social calendars are packed for the next 2 weeks, L's more so than mine. he's a member of a discord server for social activities like board games and such. he's actually at sentosa now for volleyball. playing or watching, i don't know, but i hope he's having fun. i'm going to meet him for a bit later, and since i'm there, i'll also check in on the clothes that i sent to the tailor nearby for alterations. he was great the first time round, but he's become oddly uncommunicative. i hope that he's just preoccupied, vs. forgetting about the job.

"job" made me think about work. nothing heard since the last update that everything was ticking along, so not much to say. i've got to decide what stationery and other things to bring for work. figure that i should start using my pens and notebooks, otherwise they'll be wasted. separately, i've got to pack for the cruise too. planning on keeping it casual, although it seems that smart casual wear might be required for some areas of the ship. well, i'll consult with L before packing; he's more experienced with cruises.

-random thought of the day: Haven't been to Sentosa in a while.-

Kancheong-ness won out in the end, and i messaged the nice HR person for an update. she told me that both my medical and security were cleared, and they're making some arrangements before sending me the official day one instructions. that's a huge load off my mind! now i can enjoy my remaining free time instead of worrying whether they'd forgotten about me or whatnot.

in the personal realm, L and i are still discovering more about each other...specifically about our pet peeves. while there have been moments of annoyance and negative emotions on both sides, i actually think it's a good development because it's part of the relationship process. even more so because we're moving towards the common goal of living together. i'm trying to strike a balance of communicating my feelings to him without imposing my opinion on him. a hard lesson that i had to learn many years ago is that i can't/shouldn't force people to behave the way i want them to. i can bring it up, and if they choose not to do anything about it, i then have to decide whether it's something i can live with. another reminder to self: we're making huge progress in the small daily interactions and planning for the future. although disagreements or negativity may cause bad feelings to dominate at the time, the important thing for me to remember is that we're in it for the long haul.

a sign of progress is that i'm set to go in a cruise with L and his dad. there was a bit of a rough spot there, in the sense that his dad was quite noncommittal about it initially and that annoyed L a fair bit. according to L, his dad and i are the same in terms of personality. he's into astrology and says it's because we're both libras. i don't know whether to believe that or not, but it's true that i'm usually indecisive. the dad is also a bit more taciturn, so we're still not completely sure that he's ok with me, let alone if he approves of me. but considering things from his point of view, it's not easy to have confirmation that your son is gay and that he's 2 months into dating an older guy. i should give him props for treating me kindly; he buys an extra piece of bread when i stay over and pays for my share of dinner whenever the 3 of us eat together. it'll take time, i think. hopefully the cruise will catalyze better relations.

december is shaping up to be a busy month. socially, that is. L has 3 weeks of leave to clear and besides the cruise, we're also set to meet a fair few friends - mostly his, some of mine. for someone who claims to be introverted, i'm oddly quite looking forward to it!

-random thought of the day: Need to buy work supplies.-

Having finished the medical exam last thursday, i've done everything necessary for the job application. right now, it's the annoying limbo period of waiting for things to happen. i'm fairly confident that nothing should go wrong. but even then, it sucks to wait. the medical place said it should take 5-10 days for the results to be sent over. assuming they mean working days, i should hear back from them in the next 2 weeks...hopefully sooner.

what other major things have happened since the last post? i met another cousin and 2 of his 3 kids. he's the youngest son of my only maternal uncle, and is a couple of years older than me. we're not really close; i don't think i saw him more than a handful of times growing up. but it was still nice to catch up with him even though we don't really have many things in common. his kids are the same ages as my other cousin's - 6 and 4. they're a little rowdy, as expected of boys that age. still not changing my no-kids stance.

more good news, i seem to be recovering from my bout of illness. it's not COVID; i did multiple swab tests and they all came back negative. with that ruled out, it's probably just a cold. at the worst of it, my senses of taste and smell were diminished to almost zero. lucky that i'm regaining them now.

i brought L to meet one of my chemistry friends on monday, to discuss the tuition centre thing. it seems a bit right people wrong time...not sure how much time and energy i can commit. right now the main challenge is to find a suitable location. i'm supposed to do some trial curriculum writing for them, but i've not heard back from them about it yet. well...even if it doesn't happen, i figure it's ok. my priority at this point is the full-time job.

so far, i've seen L every day since we started dating. perhaps that's why it feels like we've been dating for longer than the actual duration of almost 2 months (it'll be exactly 2 months this friday). given that the overall duration is still relatively short, we're still learning more about each other. i'm enjoying it! it's reassuring to have someone to lean on, both literally and metaphorically. we're planning for something in december, maybe a cruise or staycation. i think it's a positive sign, as the ex was very reluctant to go on this kind of big thing with me. i think we had our first staycation only a year or more into dating? but that's irrelevant. i occasionally wonder what happened to the ex...but i'm not especially bothered.

well, it's almost time to go meet L for dinner. the only downside of our frequent dates is that i'm spending a ton more money than i otherwise would have. thankfully my savings can take the hit, plus i've now got a job lined up. reminder to myself to enjoy the remaining period of freedom and doing nothing; if i know myself well enough, i'll find myself missing these halcyon days.

-random thought of the day: Excited for L's long leave in December!-

Nearly 2 months into the relationship, and the first serious test has come. i'm not counting L's dad because he was quite accepting. so here's the situation - one of L's oldest friends seems to have issues with our relationship and with me in particular. my first thought was to be concerned, because i want to respect his friend's opinions. i've actually met the guy, and he was ok to my face. behind the scenes though...apparently not. i don't like this kind of behaviour. i'm ok if you don't like me. ideally i'd want to know why, even if the reason is something as stupid as "i don't like your face". at least that tells me who i can cut out of my life. but to have someone act like everything is fine in front of me and only express dislike of me behind my back...that's not ok to me.

L has been telling me about this friend and their past interactions. perhaps i'm listening to a biased source, but i see no redeeming qualities in the friend. i understand the friend to be very competitive, always trying to one-up others. yet, he's a sore loser. basically, he's got an inflated and fragile ego, which is a bad combination. he also does things to ingratiate himself to others in hopes of using his past kindness for future leverage. and for someone who calls himself an excellent communicator and a relationship master, the irony is that a previous business venture of his failed because he wouldn't talk to his co-partners, and he's never had a romantic partner. bigger irony - he's born on the exact same day, month, and year as L. they even share the same last name! yet i wouldn't date this guy if he were the last man on earth.

after finding out more about this person, i felt compelled to ask L why they still hung out together. could be for nostalgia's sake - they've known each other since secondary school, which is about half their lives. and while it's not my place to dictate who my partner can and cannot be friends with, i did ask L to at least consider cutting contact with this guy. not because i feel threatened...far from it! the main reason is that L is still deeply affected by something the friend said when they met up to iron things out this past week. my feeling is that the friend is projecting all his insecurities and shortcomings onto L, and that's not healthy. despite what i said earlier, i may have to assert my view more strongly if L is still fixated on that hurtful comment after some time. whether he listens to me or not is a separate issue, but i want him to know that i think this friendship is not healthy for him.

apart from that, i've spent some time with my nieces and nephew (i hear the collective for nieces and nephews is "niblings" but i don't feel too inclined to use that word). went for my eldest niece's kindergarten graduation a while back, and it made me feel...awkward, in a way. see, she goes to a christian kindergarten, and the graduation performance involved christian songs. seeing kids aged 3-6 singing things like "jesus, i dedicate my life to you" was a little disconcerting. like, do they really know what that means? or are they singing the catchy song because the teacher told them to and all their friends are doing it? personal opinion here, i think religion shouldn't be taught. let the curious approach and if they're really moved/convinced by the teachings, then sign up for it. i've also seen the other pair of siblings, but i don't feel particularly close to them. my aunt invited me to her place tomorrow, to catch up with another cousin and his 3 kids. don't feel too inclined to go, and that's also because i'm feeling sick.

considering i just recovered from a cold about 2 weeks ago, it's weird that i'm sick again. this time the symptoms are a bit worse, with loss of smell/taste and green phlegm. it's not COVID; i did a test and it came back negative. of course it might be a false negative due to a number of reasons including user error, but i'll choose to believe it. i don't have a fever, for one, and while my body feels heavy, it's not like when i had COVID and felt like staying in bed all day. today is day 2 of illness, so i'm hoping it'll clear up by monday. that's going to be a busy day because i've got to collect the work pants, send another pair or two in for mending, and introduce L to my friend. closer to the present, i've got a lab alumni gathering in...about an hour, and i'm still not ready to go! i'll probably indulge myself and grab down.

-random thought of the day: Had the medical checkup for work too.-

Catastrophizing is not something i usually do. while i usually think of worst-case scenarios and potential solutions/compromises in a "be prepared" kind of way, the chilling thought of 'what if the offer is rescinded?' came into my mind last night, and it's been living rent-free in my head ever since. perhaps things have been going too smoothly, and i just feel like i'm waiting for shoes to drop. i'm being paranoid, right? i mean, the fact that they gave me an offer means that i passed the interviews and tests. i've also signed and returned the offer letter, the receipt of which was acknowledged by them. so things are looking good there. AND YET...the feeling that something might go really wrong persists. i guess i'll only feel better after receiving instructions about the next step, which should be the medical checkup.

had a productive day yesterday! went to harbourfront to meet a chemistry friend, who i've spoken to before about starting a tuition centre with. with this new development in the form of a full-time job, our main goal was to see whether it would make sense for me to still be a part of this venture, and how i could contribute if i were to carry on with it. since i don't know whether overtime is expected or how frequent it happens, it's quite difficult to make any definitive commitments now. if i'm going to be involved, i'll probably have to spend a few hours per night at the centre, plus at least one full weekend day. that leaves me with basically no time for other things. again, this is all very tentative, so i might end up as a partner, just a teacher, or even not doing it at all. i also mentioned that L is experienced in private tuition, and having him on board might be beneficial. the problem there is navigating his current contract. there's no conflict of interest since the subjects are different, but he's also got to make sure that his working hours at the two venues don't clash. the 3 of us are set to meet up again soon to iron out details and make a decision one way or another.

some googling told me that there were a few tailors at seah im hawker centre, which is just opposite vivocity. so i decided to go check the place out, and ordered 2 pairs of work pants. the pants i used in japan are wearing out after about 4 years of regular use. that reminds me! i need to get a hem redone on one of them. will plan for that when i go for pants collection. depending on how the first job turns out, i might commission a couple of shirts too.

after that, i went to check out the vicinity of my new workplace since L was unexpectedly held back at work. turns out i'd actually been there before - the paya lebar branch of virgin active that i used to visit is housed in the same building. it's really accessible - like 150m from the train station, and the direct bus from L's place stops close-ish nearby as well. i'm currently debating between 3 options for the commute: (1) bus and train from my current place, (2) direct bus from L's place, (3) cycle or direct bus from my aunt's place. option 3 would be the ideal choice since it's the shortest, plus the building has showers and bicycle parking! need to see how i can get access to those facilities, though. unfortunately, this option is also the least likely to work out, since i understand my cousin is planning to move back for his family to be closer to his daughter's school. i'm going to put this on hold for now, since who knows what other options may present themselves later?

while i want to talk about my thoughts and feelings towards starting a new job, i don't quite feel in the right headspace for it now. so i'll just talk about some practical concerns for the time being. my main worry is time management, or rather, how much free time i have and how to allocate it. see, if i end up doing the tuition thing in addition to the day job, there is a real chance for a 6-7 day work week. i might have gone for it if i were single, but partnered me has to make time for the relationship and ensure that it grows too. i guess the acceptable compromise here would be working saturdays, since it's already a workday for L. that leaves sunday free for quality time together and longer dates. of course, i'll still see L on the weekdays, maybe for dinner or at home if i end up renting from him and his dad.

another thing to figure out is how to make time for exercise. i don't plan to go to the gym every day...maybe 2 to 3 times a week? and if i cycle to work, that's my cardio taken care of. maybe i'll do a split thing - either gym in the morning and take the bus, or skip the gym and cycle. that makes sense, right? i also considered putting gym after work, but i don't think it's a good idea. the prospect of a workout after a long day's work, plus the possibility that the added adrenaline from the workout will keep me from sleeping early, make a night workout unappealing. that also leads to a decision - which gym? do i go for virgin active due to its proximity to the workplace plus added perks (no attire needed), or do i go for 24/7 where the perk is working out with L but at the cost of some extra hassle (washing clothes)? i feel that i should be too hasty in deciding, because the HR person i spoke with told me that there was a possibility of a work from home arrangement further down the road (probably after confirmation).

the last logistics issue (as far as work is concerned, at least,) is food. while there are multiple food places in the vicinity, they're generally expensive. and given the number of people in the office buildings, i'm expecting crowds everywhere. the logical thing to do would be to bring my own lunch. would i do meal prep for the week ahead, or cook in the morning/the previous night each day? maybe i should do a tentative timetable for a typical workday, working backwards and forward from start and end times.

5:45am - wake up, change clothes, go to the gym

6:00am - reach the gym, work out for an hour-ish

~7:15am - leave L's place

8:15am - reach paya lebar (15 mins buffer time)

8:30am - report to work

12:30pm - lunch break

1:30pm - back to work

6pm - end of work (assuming no overtime)...maybe eat dinner outside?

7:30pm - reach L's place

rest of the evening - chores and other miscellaneous tasks, relaxing

aim to sleep by 9:30pm

just going by this estimation, it seems that most of my free time will be after work. so here's version 2:

6:15am - wake up, meal prep for lunch, shower, get ready

~7:15am - leave L's place

8:15am - reach paya lebar (15 mins buffer time)

8:30am - report to work

12:30pm - lunch break

1:30pm - back to work

6pm - end of work (assuming no overtime)

7:30pm - reach L's place

7:45pm - go to the gym

8:30pm - dinner

rest of the evening - chores and other miscellaneous tasks, relaxing

aim to sleep by 11pm.

night gym seems to make more sense, unless i really wake up super early to do things, or push some things to the previous night. i suppose i'll take reference from these 2 schedules and decide when to do what after taking my workload and fatigue levels into account too. reminder to self: be flexible; this isn't NS.

-random thought of the day: Going to my niece's kindergarten graduation!-

Further job progress - i've been sent the offer letter! the terms are mostly favourable, although there's one thing that kind of gives me pause. that's the probation period, which is set for 9 months and extendable by a further 3 to make it a whole year in total. seems that the extension will only happen if performance is unsatisfactory, so here's hoping i won't need it.

like i said earlier, the offer is good overall. although i shouldn't really be, i was still kind of surprised that they really gave me the bottom of my asking salary range. despite telling myself that i wouldn't complain if the value was within what i'd asked for, i still found myself thinking thoughts like 'i should have asked for a higher figure'. here's where i slap myself across the face and remind myself to be appreciative that they're hiring me, and that the figure is objectively quite generous. it's more than what i was making at the accursed IP firm, and the benefits are better here! guess it's human nature to want more. just have to remind myself to be content, and that having a source of income is better than no income. not to mention that they disclosed the salary cap for that rank in the offer letter, and it's higher than the maximum they put in the job ad. this means i've got something to work towards!

speaking of the benefits, they're pretty generous! 18 days of annual leave, which goes up to 22 days due to things like birthday leave. best part, i can take paid leave during my probation period (with some terms and conditions attached, of course)! i also have 2 MC days which don't require doctor's notes. those can probably be used for mental health days. the hours are not bad; 42 hours per week which is effectively 40 as the company allows us to leave 2 hours early once a week for sports/exercise. reminder of how lucky i am - not only am i going to make more than i did at the accursed IP firm, i also have a greater scope of benefits, plus i'm 95% sure that the hours are going to be more human/humane. i should count my blessings, really.

of course, there are downsides. just a couple of minor ones, first being the 9-month probation period as mentioned earlier. a typical company has probation set at 3 months. the accursed IP firm had 6, which i already thought was ridiculous. 9 is just...wow. the plan is to go in and do my best, learn everything i can. another potential downside is the workload/mental aspect of the job, but i shouldn't form preconceived notions

by the way, i haven't mentioned what company it is yet, have i? that was rhetorical - i know i haven't, and am deliberately avoiding doing so. the reason is that i don't want to expose myself to any unnecessary trouble, especially since i've not been confirmed yet. a part of me is even hesitant to tell people i got this job, until all the obstacles are cleared and i've physically been in the office for at least some time. a more extreme part of me wants to wait until i've cleared probation to update my linkedin and all that, but that'll mean waiting for 9 months. well, linkedin is mainly used when job-hunting anyway, so i guess i'm good? so far, only L, scary JC friend, some of the alumni, and my aunt know about it. i expect retired cousin will chance upon this soon, at which time she'll join the ranks of the knowers.

to help my planning, i'm going to list down things i have to do between now and when work starts next year:

- sign and return offer letter (by this week)

- medical checkup (pending company's arrangement)

- security check (don't think i need to do anything here?)

- get new work clothes (find a tailor)

- work out arrangements with L and/or my aunt

- talk to my chemistry friend about the tuition centre thing

- go back to more healthy eating

at a high level, these are the main things i need to do. i'll probably expand on them as and when they crop up. some of the less tangible things on my list include an updated balls post, goal-setting and mindset tuning for the new job, also just talking through my feelings about the relationship so far. this includes my hopes? ideas? for our future. one things of particular interest to me there is getting a place of my own. L is still under 35, so he can't be listed as a co-buyer yet. we'll work something out.

for now though, i'm going to just take a moment to be grateful. i'm grateful that good things are coming into my life one after another. i'm grateful that i've been in good health throughout most of the jobless period, and that i didn't need to spend money on medical things. i'm grateful for a partner who's not perfect, but pretty darned close. we haven't fought-fought yet exactly, but there have been disagreements which ended with one party apologizing. well, not everyone can have an argument-free marriage/relationship. besides, there's a japanese saying that translates into "rain solidifies the ground", or "(resolving) arguments strengthen the relationship". that's also something i want to write about in our relationship journal. i hope i remember this feeling of thankfulness in tough times.

-random thought of the day: Busy week ahead!-

I HAVE A JOB!!!!

well, i tentatively do. as you know, i had the psychometric (IQ) tests last week, and i honestly don't think i did very well. still, they scheduled me for a second interview, which was earlier today. for all my previous job applications, the companies have said that they'd get back to me within a week or two. sometimes a rejection email will come towards the end of that period, other times the company will flat-out ghost me and not respond even when i follow up. today's company got back to me within 3 hours from the end of my interview to tell me that they were keen on having me on board. it's amazing how fast things can be pushed through when the motivation is there! according to the HR staff, my second interview "went well" (verbatim quote). i had a sense that it was good, as i managed to engage both the 3 panelists and the HR person sitting in. was still quite nerve-wracking, though. i was telling L just after it ended and before i knew the outcome that i would rate my performance as an 8.5 or 9/10. looks like i was on the money!

BUT...i'm still trepidatious. a lot of things can happen between a tentative offer and the job's official start date. i've heard stories of offers being retracted days before the reporting date, or even more egregiously, after the candidate showed up for work. while i don't think such horrible things will happen to me, i also don't want to rest upon my laurels especially since i haven't signed anything. there are still salary/benefits negotiations to go, so a potential trip-up might be that they lowball me. their given salary range is quite wide, and if they offer me within $500 of the upper limit (monthly salary, hence the smaller tolerance), i'll be happy to accept. still, i'm not going to count chickens. rather, i'll deal with issues if and when they crop up.

apart from (tentatively) landing that job, the other big piece of news is that i've been playing nurse to L recently. no, it's not sexy roleplay...he just had all 4 of his wisdom teeth extracted this past monday. 2 were impacted and had to be surgically removed, while the other 2 were more straightforward pull-them-out type things. he's healing well, which is a relief. so far, my duties have included being a medicine timing planner, personal chef, and just general all-around butler-y services. thankfully, he's been a pretty good patient - never kicking up a fuss and being diligent in his wound care and hygiene. i also got to flex my creative culinary muscles a bit due to the constraint of cooking only soft food for him. i think the dish i'm proudest of so far is a sort of bread pudding analogue with tiny pieces of bread in (home-made) custard. i'll probably adjust the recipe for chewing-capable people in the future.

taking care of L has also meant that i've spent the past 2 nights at his place, and am slated to be here until at least friday. i'm thinking of it as "married life simulator", and while i feel that we'll be ok on most fronts, i'm noticing that he tends to have conversations with me while he's on his phone. he says he can multitask and get the gist of what i'm saying, and he usually does a good enough job. but there have also been times where he's gotten 90% of the info but missed out of the most crucial 10%. perhaps it's a me thing, but i also don't really feel heard when he does this. yes, i've communicated this to him already. i'm sure that he'll make more of an effort, but i also think that i should do what i can to capture his undivided attention for important conversations, plus have them at more appropriate times (eg. when people from work aren't messaging him and also not when we're about to sleep because he drifts off quite quickly). not only that, i want to learn to let the unimportant stuff go. worst case, i can repeat it in the future. look at me, dealing with a potential conflict point like a mature adult!

with the job issue taken care of, that's one load off my mind. i'm still going to explore the tuition centre thing as a backup plan and/or in case i don't like the job. better to have a door waiting, even if i may not end up using it.

-random thought of the day: Excited!-

Although i'm still jobless, my days have been filled with activity. life with L is still good. we've had a few disagreements, but nothing i would call a rough spot or something to worry about. perhaps it's because we started this interaction/relationship at an older age, but i find it to be more stable. i'm honestly awed at how much he trusts me and is willing to do for me. evidence: i'm writing this post alone in his place while he's gone to work, and i'll only be meeting him later for dinner. it just makes me wonder, if a couple experiences/has experienced this kind of love, how can either party bring themself to cheat? in the hypothetical case that we end our relationship, i want to remember this initial period and remember that he's a wonderful person who should be treated well. but let's not jinx it. we've just passed a month of dating (yesterday by calendar date, this past sunday by number of weeks), and i hope that we'll have many more months and years ahead of us.

related thought: i think i can better understand why people change so much after losing their partner. real life example: my paternal grandparents; fictional example: john wick or any of the countless love shows. it's my overactive imagination at work, but i do imagine that many of the little things/routines we've established will continue into our old age. to name a few SFW ones: helping him get ready for work, holding on to his phone when we're on a date, cooking together. the thought of one of us not being around for those things is kind of horrible, and while i know that we're still a few decades away from that if everything goes well, i'm dreading the day it happens. i suppose we should do what we can and just enjoy each moment that we have together.

because i'm still unemployed, i do feel a little bit like a house husband now. i'm strangely ok with that, though? there haven't been any thoughts or feelings of resentment/inadequacy in this area. but i do know that i need to start working soon. good news is, my interview last friday went well! so far they've made me do a timed written assignment, take a personality test, attend an interview, and take 2 timed psychometric tests. i think the first 3 things went well, but i'm not too confident about the last thing. it's one of those tests where you're supposed to identify the secret rule used to transform pictures. the hard thing was that they did it in 2 dimensions, so you had to superimpose 2 sets of rules. the reading test was weird too. it was one of those where you had to choose true, false, or unsure about statements after reading a passage. i ended up with a lot of "unsure"s, which felt odd. hopefully the tests scores dont' form too big a part of my overall application. there's still one more interview with the higher management next week, and hopefully that will lead to a job offer. kind of wondering how the second interview will go. just have to go in and do my best. L said that if it's meant to be, it'll happen. if this doesn't go through, it might just be the final push to go down the self-employed route.

couple of L-adjacent things that happened in the past week, i brought him to meet N and E. they were cool with it, although E was his usual talkative, no-filter self. still, it was good! L has introduced me to most (basically all) of his friends by now, and i feel like i should step up in that area. problem is, the chemistry guys are busy with life in general. maybe i should push for it a little more strongly? at the same time, i don't want to come across as demanding. at least L is understanding about it, and leaves the planning to me. also, i met up with jedi master, who's back in singapore for a workshop of some kind. after catching up, he told me that he was worried about getting older, and not being able to keep up. it's the first time he's shared that with me, and i think it helped me see that he's also not always the invincible fighter that he appears to be. it's also quite a long time away, but he kind of advised me to entertain the idea of expanding my family unit with L, ie. think of kids. not in the traditional sense, but whatever works for us. that's a thought for sometime in the future, so i'll tuck that away for now and focus on enjoying time alone with L. which reminds me, i have to leave the house for our dinner date!

-random thought of the day: Would be nice if the job went through...-

Things have been good for most things in life. L and i are still getting along fine, discovering more about each other as the days pass. i've been staying over at his place for the past 3 weekends in a row. according to him, his dad is also warming up to me somewhat. i mean, we're still not the best of friends and i don't know if we'll ever be, but we're at least on good terms now, which i feel is a positive sign. so far, L and i have met up with each other every day we've known each other, and i hope we somehow manage to keep that up unless we're physically prevented from doing so, say if one of us has to go overseas without the other or something. even then, i'm sure we can video call or whatnot.

some positive news on the work front as well, i've been invited to an interview! it's online and scheduled for friday. before that though, i've got to take an online test tomorrow. wonder if it'll be in the same style as the consultancy firm? i'm just going to go in and do my best for both the test and the interview. i also understand that if i make it through this round, i'll have 2 more tests and another round of interviews before i can even smell an offer. sounds like a lot of hoops to jump through! well, if it's meant to be, it'll happen. still going to give myself the best chance of landing it though.

one more thought before i go shower and get ready to meet L for dinner. i've seen a lot of my nieces and nephew recently...certainly more than i have for the past 3 years! that's a given, considering i was in japan. but yes, it's been nice i guess. i still don't want to spend more than 3 hours at a go with them...my temper would probably get the better of me. L has said that he wants kids, and i've communicated to him that i'm dead set against the idea. i wonder how strongly he feels about it though. i don't think this is something we'll break up over. maybe we can revisit it a few years into the future, when we're more financially secure/stable. for now, i guess interacting with kids at his job is a close second to having kids of his own.

-random thought of the day: Nervous about the application process.-

So much stuff to update on! time's just flown by; i suspect that a lot of it has to do with enjoying L's company. i think i'll update by day, that would make the most sense.

thursday

the biggest event was meeting L's dad for the first time. it was also his birthday, so the meal served an additional purpose as a celebration. the dad is nice, quite soft-spoken. he seemed ok with me and i think we got along pretty well. L told me that the dad still refers to me as L's "good friend" despite knowing that we're in a relationship. yes, L told him in no uncertain terms. i think it's just the older generation being unused to anything outside heterosexual relationships. but based on how he's been talking to me so far, i think i'm in the clear!

friday

in the morning, L got a bit upset when he broke the shaker bottle i got him (i bring him protein powder after his gym sessions). it was a small thing to me, but he took it really hard. i think it was due to some childhood experiences? anyway, i found that i was able to comfort him when he was highly emotional, which gives me reassurance that i'm doing something right. later in the day, i went to marine parade to pick L up after work for dinner at PLQ. he wanted me to stay over, but i thought that it would be better if i went home due to logistics. that resulted in...not an argument, exactly? but i think it was the first time we disagreed on something substantial. still, i don't think it hurt the relationship. if anything, it helped us see each other more realistically.

saturday

mahjong with L's friends was brought forward from sunday, and we had sushiro for dinner before that. the menu here is smaller than the one in japan, but quality-wise i'd say they're about on par. mahjong was fun, i did a couple of nice hands and didn't let others game off me too much. not for big hands, at least. the guy friends are pretty cool, L told me that each of them has their own trauma/problems, and he wants to help all of them. yes, he's aware that he has a saviour complex. at this time i don't think it's too bad? but i'll be sure to let him know if he's overstepping boundaries or stretching himself too thin. side note: one of the friends was cute, but suffers from low confidence. i wonder why?

sunday

stayed over the previous night, and we had a nice relaxing day. went to seletar mall for a late lunch and to do some work (him, making teaching resources; me, prettying up my resume). then met his dad for a light dinner and groceries at anchorvale before spending a quiet night together. after that outing, i'm pretty sure his dad is ok with me. but i still don't want to become a permanent fixture yet this early into the relationship. not because i don't have faith that we're going to last, but because i don't want to become overly familiar at this point.

monday

despite saying that, i stayed over another night, making it the first time i've stayed over for 2 nights in a row. oops! L went for his morning gym session while i slept in and met him for more grocery shopping later. we cooked lunch before going to orchard because L was meeting his colleagues for tea (literal and figurative). after that, we had dinner at the muji cafe at plaza singapura. the food was a little expensive, but pretty good! still have to satisfy my nandos craving.

tuesday (today)

met L's last significant group of friends (ex-colleagues from his previous workplace). they're interesting and fun! i could see myself hanging out with them more. also, i finally gave L the sodastream machine that i got for him. guy loves carbonated water, while i don't really see the appeal of it. well, as long as it makes him happy. you know, i was thinking of waiting for a significant milestone - like our one-month anniversary, or christmas, or his birthday next year. but then, it occurred to me that a gift is supposed to make the receiving party happy. why wait until a significant occasion to give a gift? maybe i'm turning into a "just because" gift giver. the caveat might be that birthday or anniversary gifts may happen to be lower in price than "just because" ones, but i believe that L won't be that calculative.

relationship stuff aside, there hasn't been much progress in the work department. the career coach i got gave extremely generic advice, like "tailor your resume to each job application". KNN you think i don't know meh!? also, she advised me to send out applications only to jobs that i'm interested in. that just makes me think she's out of touch with the job-hunting process. the way i see it, it's a numbers game. if i have a 1% chance of getting an interview, i'm more likely to get an interview if i send out 500 applications vs. 100. and even if i get interviews for jobs outside my area of interest, attending them is still good practice.

moreover, i think she isn't very invested in me? i have a feeling that she didn't read my resume to identify my strengths or potential jobs that my fit my profile. granted i'm probably not her only client and i don't expect her to spoonfeed me. still, i feel that if i were a career coach, that's something i'd try to do for candidates assigned to me. that feeling of non-investment plus i think she's not familiar with the scientific industry made me ask for a change in career coach, hopefully to someone with relevant experience. i'm due for a call with a higher-level career coach tomorrow (maybe this current one's boss?), and i hope things will improve from here on.

last thing on my mind for now. one of the UK IP firms i applied to got back to me, saying that they were impressed by my profile and wanted me to send in an application using their new candidate portal. i'm smelling a huge rat here. first of all, they didn't get back to me when i emailed my application in in june, or asked for a follow-up in july/august (all standard procedures at the relevant times). now they tell me that they want me to apply again? call me cynical or suspicious, but i'm guessing that they want to get info and statistics about their shiny new portal or maybe even test it by asking candidates to apply. and the more candidates apply, the bigger their data pool. in a worst-case scenario, it might even be someone trying to prove that the portal wasn't a huge waste of money. although if i were still in the UK now, i would apply out of desperation. since i'm not, though...nah! depending on my batman work later, i may or may not drop the person an email to politely thank them for the opportunity, but no thanks because i got tired of waiting and went back to singapore.

in the upcoming days, there are more dates with L planned (we're keeping up the streak of seeing each other every day since we first met/started dating), plus i have a birthday lunch with my aunt, uncle, and cousins on saturday. will probably send out a new wave of applications using the updated resume that L vetted. hopefully that will bring more luck.

-random thought of the day: Life is good!-

Making it short because i've got to leave the house in like...half an hour, and i'm not even showered yet! i did rinse off a little earlier in the day, so i may be able to get away with it. but considering i'm meeting L's dad later tonight for dinner, i probably should shower for a good impression.

i think that L and i have seen each other literally every day since we started dating. perhaps that's a contributor to how quickly we've progressed in the relationship. i went to meet him on tuesday during his morning run (he ran, i cycled). felt pretty good to be out and about so early in the morning. temperature was nice, traffic was light, all in all conducive for exercise. spent the day at his place with plans to go to jewel changi airport, but ended up spending an hour walking back to my place to stow my bicycle and eating at rivervale mall's soup spoon. not a single complaint from him throughout the long walk. solid guy!

met him at his gym on wednesday morning where i passed him a protein shake. we spent the morning and cooked lunch together again, before he went off to work. met up later in the evening to make up for the missed jewel date the day before. we had korean-inspired pizza at pizza maru, followed by botanical gelato at birds of paradise. the pizza was advertised as "chicago-style" and came with a dusting of powdered sugar on the crust. first time i've had it like that. it was interesting. not bad, but not something that i would think of doing on my own. the gelato was awesome! i really want to try a few more of their flavours...maybe another time.

ended up following him home and staying over last night. he went for his usual morning run earlier, and i slept in before we got ready to leave the house - him for work, me to go home and prepare for today's meetings. before meeting his dad for dinner, i'm meeting a friend who used to be a teacher at CJC when i went back to help out with judo. kind of want to pick his brain about teaching in singapore without a PGDE, and more importantly to ask about an open chemistry teacher position in his school. i'm increasingly thinking that opening a tuition centre would be the way to go, though. need to schedule a meeting with my friend to discuss what exactly is needed, and how i can get things moving on my end.

staying over at L's place makes me imagine what us actually living together would be like. it's still sunshine and butterflies now, because i stay one night at most and that isn't really long enough for us to get on each other's nerves. i think we'd get a better perspective when we travel overseas - my japan trip next march is a likely candidate, and we're thinking of doing a staycation-type thing at the end of the year. but that's still some time away. the more immediate concern is meeting L's dad tonight. while i'm more than 90% sure that it will go well, there's still this bit of fear that he will object to something about me - my age, present financial instability, intentions towards his son. my thought is that this is hardly an obstacle, considering L has told me before that his dad just wants him to be happy...so we're at least aligned in that regard. besides, i plan to fight for our relationship, and this is a good chance to show that i mean it. fingers crossed for later!

-random thought of the day: Hoping everything goes well today.-

When i was with the ex, our first "perfect" date was our first valentine's day together, about 3 or 4 months since we started dating. i just had my first perfect date with L after a week of knowing him. admittedly there was some friction at the start, but we got over that and had a great time.

L has several friend groups. i met his girl friends from secondary school (we ate at tan yu's vivocity branch, then had ben & jerry's ice cream) on saturday. they seem to be a nice enough bunch, but i will admit that there was some first-time meeting awkwardness...not helped by me not being the most social person! at least i've sort of gained their approval, so that's nice. his guy friend group is a little bit more...suspicious/wary of me. one of them had 2 issues, which were my age and my finances. i feel it's legitimate. he's looking out for his friend and i can respect that. still, it made me worry that he would convince L to rethink the relationship and that upon reconsideration, L would break up with me. L tried to allay my fears over text, but texting doesn't convey nuance and emotion very well...so i was still on tenterhooks about the whole thing. it was only at night when we talked face to face that i was able to tell him about this worry, and he reassured me that he was in it with me for the long haul. this was all on sunday, by the way.

earlier that night, we also met scary JC friend and her boyfriend. kind of like a double date, but it was mainly to see what she thought of L. i have to say, L really 很会做人 (literally: knows how to be a human being). the metaphorical meaning of that phrase is that he knows how to deal with people - he bought scary JC friend a tea advent calendar, despite my repeated reassurances that a 见面礼 was unnecessary. we ate at the fancy unagi place again, followed by chinese meat skewers for round 2. all in all, a very satisfying dinner/evening, only made better by the company. she approves of him, which is one major hurdle that he's cleared. i knew he'd get through no problem!

i followed him home and stayed the night. somehow i think we're getting better at sharing a sleeping space - like, we'll fall asleep faster, not wake up so many times in the middle of the night, and just be more comfortable with another body in close proximity. as good as the date was, i enjoyed today's interactions more. we went to seletar mall to get groceries and do other miscellaneous shopping, then cooked lunch at home. we worked together quite well in the kitchen - another green flag! i did most of the cutting, he did most of the cooking. his knives are horribly blunt, though. got to bring my stone over and sharpen them up so it's safer. yes, counterintuitive as it sounds, a sharp knife is safer than a blunt knife. with a sharp knife, you don't have to exert that much pressure during cutting, meaning a sharp knife is more easily controlled. lunch was carbonara-style pasta with a whole bunch of ingredients. nowhere near traditional, but tasted really good. we then lazed around for a while before cleaning and washing up, and i left for home while he went for his weekly family dinner.

although we didn't do anything mega thrilling, i felt thoroughly happy and content. is this what married life is like? if so, i could really get used to it. have a slow start to the morning, leisurely doing errands in the neighbourhood, spending quality time together even doing something as unexciting as cooking a meal. it makes my heart swell to think that this could become a routine with L, whose smile i will never get tired of seeing. i MIGHT just reconsider my position on marriage. definitely no kids, though!

future forecast: meeting L for morning exercise tomorrow. if anyone needs proof of how much love can motivate a person, look here. we might be doing something on wednesday, but that's TBC. meeting his dad on thursday...oh boy. i feel slightly above average nervousness for this one. but i'm going into it with the idea of putting my best foot forward and asking for his blessing to be with/take care of his son. which reminds me, i should set up more meetings, with the chemistry guys and JC friends. will i ever introduce him to family? maybe. still a bit too early to say.

-random thought of the day: Sleepy, and there's morning exercise tomorrow.-

Barely a week has passed since i first met L in person. today's a week to the day, actually. in these 7 days, i feel like i've grown up a whole lot. i've never felt so deeply for another person, and i think it's because (1) our visions are aligned, and (2) my feelings are truly reciprocated. like in the past, i kind of thought like i'd be ok with any old job, or living any old how. but now it's like, 'i want to give my partner a good life. how can i do that?'. and that motivates me to work hard, eat healthy, consider joining him for exercise, etc. ok, fine. that last one might also be because of the added reward of getting to spend more time with him. but hey, whatever it takes to achieve the goal, right?

i don't know if we're moving out of the puppy love phase yet, but we've highlighted the need to have some serious conversations soon. we've had some already, actually. it sounds kind of really morbid, but he told me he had a gut feeling that he'd die young and that i should live on without him if it happened. i mean...the 30s are supposed to be the prime of one's life. and i've only just met this guy! i'm hoping for another 30 years with him, minimum. the scary thing is that he has a hereditary condition that may be life-threatening if it acts up. good news is that he hasn't experienced anything like that so far, plus his dad is still healthy at close to 60 years old. i figure that's a hurdle we'll cross if/when we get to it, but it's made me want to stop wasting time and just do things that i'd normally be afraid/hesitant to do. the tuition centre is one of those things. i kind of want to move in with him ASAP to do the couple life thing. my mentor figure said that i should go all in on one thing, instead of 50% each on 2 things. he was referring to my work, of course - day job vs. tuition centre. but i also see it in my relationship. failure simply isn't an option at this time. 

-random thought of the day: Staying over at his place again tonight!-

Does it happen to you often? you recall some quote or song lyric or random information, then can't figure out where you heard it from. the most recent one i had was "if this is reality, never let me sleep. if this is a dream, never let me awaken". turns out it's from the karate kid 2, a movie which i only saw in passing once a long time ago. weird how the brain can hold on to such random trivia!

that line is also exactly how i feel about L right now. i'm still in disbelief that a guy who's so perfect for me in every way exists! i don't dare to say that this is my last relationship due to some concerns (both practical and ideological), but i would be perfectly happy growing old with him if the state of things hold. i'm definitely optimistic, though! he actually told his dad about my existence and our developing relationship. my heart just about exploded when he did. it was incredibly brave of him, and the most ridiculous thing is that he doesn't see it as brave! as for the dad...he didn't give his blessing, exactly? but he didn't reject the idea, either. it was more like he wanted his son to be careful and not get played, a feeling which i totally understand! i'm seeing it as my duty(?) to convince the dad that i'll be good for his son. that was on thursday, by the way. he was feeling emotional after the tough conversation, so i borrowed the car and went to spirit him away for a bit. we ended up eating at mcdonalds and talking for a few hours. strange that time seems to fly by on our dates, but that's a good sign, right?

yesterday (friday) was a workday for him, so i wasn't expecting anything...until he asked to meet for dinner. that turned into yet another sleepover. i went to the alumni gathering straight from his place, where i shared some stuff with scary JC friend (including letting slip that i didn't come from home!). she's excited to meet him, which i think is a great sign. so far, none of the people i've dated have met her. it's probably going to be the litmus test of my relationships moving forward...survive the best friend, and you're good. and if i'm the one who has reservations about them meeting, then perhaps i'm subconsciously thinking that the relationship may not work out.

having a partner who lives near you is such a blessing. granted, distance shouldn't be a dealbreaker but being able to walk home in a reasonable time from a partner's place beats trying to find grab or whatever. i definitely lucked out here; not only can i walk home if needed, he actually would like me to stay over more often! i'm THIS close to marrying him already. no, i kid - singapore law doesn't allow that. despite being anti-marriage for the longest time, the thought of marrying him doesn't scare me at this point.

perspective check! of course, we're still smack in the middle of the honeymoon period. scary JC friend told me that i should really start to watch out when i feel less like accommodating him or taking initiative to go the extra mile, as that would indicate decreased novelty and so-called complacency starting to set in. at this point, i feel like that won't happen. realistically, i know that even the shiniest toys lose their lustre eventually. well, i hope that if/when it happens, we can communicate well enough to resolve any dissatisfaction before it turns to resentment.

not going to lie, the speed at which we're progressing does concern me a little, in that it may all just come crashing down due to a not-solid foundation of knowing each other well first. i literally stayed over at his place on our first meeting/date! scary JC friend did tell me that rather than the duration, the things that happened should be the main assessment criteria, so to speak. that's the same message found in atomic habits - it's not how long someone has been doing something, it's how many times they've done it...ie. frequency over duration. also, not sure if i mentioned this before, but my primary school classmate who moved to australia proposed to his wife 3 months after first meeting her. as far as i know, they're still happily married now. yes, i know that they're a huge outlier, but they give me hope.

right, i'm just going to do my best for the relationship. so far, he hasn't set off my warning bells yet, so that's a plus. he did pre-empt me that his mood/temper might get worse during his busy periods, so that's something i'll have to navigate when the time comes. i think as long as he looks to me for support and doesn't take out his anger and negative emotions on me (and obviously the same goes for me to him), we should be good.

-random thought of the day: Meeting his friends later!-

People are complex. actually that's not true. the fundamental human motivations are food and sex. the complexity comes from the extents to which humans will go to get those things. as relationships are typically linked to sex, they tend to come with their fair share of problems and accompanying attempts by people to provide solutions/guidelines. i'm insanely grateful for this new guy's presence in my life. it's been 2 more days since my last post, and there have been green flags popping up. perhaps i should tell you a bit about what we've been doing in this time, and you can tell me if i'm wearing green-tinted glasses. for easier reference, the new guy will be nicknamed "L". not going to go into the origins of this nickname, but as a point of interest/trivia, his legal name doesn't contain any Ls at all.

i actually didn't mention our monday date! as you know, i stayed over at his house from sunday night to monday. he didn't have work, so we went to NEX for a late lunch and to run some errands. he said that a green flag he saw in me was that i treated the service staff nicely. thank you, japan and UK experiences! going abroad really mellowed me out, and helped me to be friendlier to people in the service industry. they deserve it...except sennheiser. the first-level customer service staff there suck SO bad! where was i? oh, we were both feeling tired due to not sleeping much the previous night (no dirty thoughts, people!) and we basically walked around a bit more before his dad came to pick him up and i took the train home. i should mention that i didn't bring a change of clothes because i wasn't expecting to stay over, so i borrowed some of his to sleep in and when we went out. considering i'm someone who hates clothes shopping due to internalized insecurity about clothes sizes that fit, i was really surprised that i could fit into some of his stuff especially since he's of medium/average build. he lent me a shirt which was a uniqlo L (or maybe XL?) and it was big on me! this might be my "building self-confidence" arc, no joke. i've already mentioned the video call to end our monday night, so not going to repeat it here. oh, except to say that we decided to start a daily gratitude thing (mention one thing about the other party/that the other party did that day which makes you grateful). it sounds mega...i don't know - new age and hippie-like, but i'm all for it because i think it'll strengthen the relationship.

that brings us to yesterday (tuesday). we didn't have plans to meet initially, but he decided to run to my place for his morning run. i must admit, this guy is disciplined. he's adopting strategies from this book called "atomic habits", which he's also lent me to read. i'm halfway through, and it's quite intriguing. tell you all about it another time. he was incredibly touched that i brought water down for him, and meanwhile i'm just like...it's something i'd do for a loved one. we spent most of the morning talking before he had to go back and prepare for work.

in a fit of insanity, we agreed to meet again after his work. since he works near-ish to my aunt's place, i went over to see my niece and nephew who were there after school. their dad (my older cousin) told them about an old childhood nickname which i had, and that brought back some unpleasant memories. i hope they don't remember/use it, because we might have to have a serious conversation if they do. worst case i'll just increase the (emotional) distance. don't need that in my life any more. L got a bit worried when i wouldn't share the details with him later in the night, but i told him that i was over it and just didn't like the memories it brought up. although now after some time since the incident, i wonder if i might be overreacting a bit. we'll see how i feel if and when it happens next time. back to the evening date, we ate at collin's at PLQ. pretty good food; i loved the fried whole barramundi which L got. quick self-praise moment: i offered to debone the fish for him. thank you paternal grandparents (especially paternal grandfather) for teaching me to eat and love fish! i had chicken and waffles, which were good too. not something i'd normally go for, but i had a random craving.

CONTENT WARNING: M18

following dinner, he invited me to spend the night again...and i agreed. i'm not going to go into too many details, but let's just say some M18 stuff happened, and i felt extremely safe and comfortable throughout. while i don't really have body shyness issues for things like going to an onsen or swimming pool, being intimate with someone else is a whole different ball game (gay pun absolutely not intended). the fact that he makes me feel comfortable in my own skin and was willing to take things slow instead of rushing to the proverbial finish line are 2 huge green flags for me. i also loved that we could laugh even during sexy times. it just seems like what a healthy relationship would/should be like!

CONTENT WARNING OVER

that brings us to this morning, where despite sleeping for maybe 4 hours or less, he went to the gym. this guy is definitely going to be a positive influence on me. not having a membership to his gym (24/7), i stayed back in his room and just vegged out for the hour or so he was away. he trusts me THAT much, to be alone in his house! without mentioning it beforehand, he made a detour on his way home to buy a couple of slices of min jiang kueh for our breakfast, which we shared. odd, isn't it? i seldom liked getting surprise-gifted by the ex, but with L it's like "yeah, awesome!" no matter what it is. he went off to meet his friends for lunch, and i went home. we're still texting back and forth sporadically despite having last physically seen each other just 4 hours ago, and i wonder if that's normal. but then again, what is "normal" exactly, anyway?

analysis time! we've actually spent way more time together than a "normal" couple would in the same timeframe. is that bad? not necessarily, in my opinion. he was joking that we speedran the dating process, which we kind of did. normally, that would raise some warning signs. however, i think we're mitigating the potential pitfalls well enough. we're meeting each other's friends this weekend (i'm meeting the first group of his on saturday, he's meeting the first group of mine on sunday). on a discord text chat, his friend has told me to treat him with care and respect. i'm sure scary JC friend will have similar to say. he's also brought up the idea of me meeting his family. since he knows them better than i do, i'm going to leave the planning to him and just show up when and where he tells me to. on my side, probably the only family members he'll get to meet are retired cousin and my aunt.

if you ask me now whether i'm feeling real love or puppy love for him, i'd definitely say real love. but that's why it could be puppy love too, right? the intensity of the feelings is there, and that could lead to warped perceptions. call me lame or cliched or whatever, but i think i can better understand how deep love can go now. i was telling a few other online friends that our...activities would have to stop, and i felt completely no regrets. no FOMO either. without putting L down, i'll say that some of my internet friends have physiques and uh...anatomy that's more conventionally attractive than what L has. despite that, i would choose L every single time because of how safe he makes me feel. love can really be a transformative force, and people have to experience it to get a sense of exactly how powerful it can be.

the 4 days from sunday until now feel almost like a dream. multiple times, both of us have rhetorically asked, "how can this be real?" it's as though someone took all my emotional and mental criteria for a partner and tailor-made this guy for me. another way i know he's sincere is that he's let me stay over at his house. if you were trying to scam or catfish someone, giving them more leads would be bad, right? unless someone is putting in a herculean effort to scam me. if so, i'd like them to know that their costs incurred during the scam operation are probably higher than my bank balance.

pretty sure there are more things on my mind, but i'm wiped out. going to take a power nap, then it's time for more job applications. hopefully i can clear the backlog of the ones requiring a tailored resume that i've saved on jobstreet. and hopefully, some company gives me a positive indicator. interview, offer, a request for more information, anything! for now, nap time!

-random thought of the day: Losing sleep over this guy is worth it.-