Update time! as that implies, it will mostly be about the date (get it? upDATE?). ok i'm sorry. no not really. anyway, i feel ridiculously conflicted at this point in time. as you're probably aware, things haven't been all that smooth sailing these past few weeks. well, things finally came to a head over the past few days. for once, it was the date who wanted to meet up to have a talk. so we did, on wednesday after work. i basically told the date my feelings, that i felt like i was the once doing all the chasing/pushing, that i was worried we weren't going anywhere, that our relationship has been stagnant for longer than i care to remember, and that i could not for the life of me understand why the date was so unwilling to take steps forward to being a couple, or to share certain details with me. after all, if we were going to spend the rest of our lives together, shouldn't i be the person that they trust the most?

to their credit, the date let me get all that off my chest, and acknowledged that what i said was true. they apologized for taking me for granted too, which was unexpected. they did tell me certain details (which i'm sworn to secrecy about), and that helped me understand a bit more about their character. they also told me that they tried (a little too hard) to differentiate me and the ex, to the point where since they had been intimate with the ex, they didn't want to be intimate with me. twisted logic at its best. there were a few other points of discussion too, one being the thing about the date not wanting to give me their word, and about timeframes. the reason i wanted both of those things was to hold the date accountable and not have to wait for an indefinite period of time. the date saw the sense in that, i guess. so, they suggested that we could be a couple - in the sense that i could be the boyfriend. most of you who have been following the relationship development would, at this point, expect me to agree immediately, and have a happily ever after ending, right? would that it were that simple. for some reason, i found myself unable to say yes immediately. in fact, i still haven't said it up till now.

believe me, it was equally surprising for me. i've spent a while figuring out why. and i think i know the answer, more or less. it's actually attributed to both past and future factors. for past, i guess i was (am) unhappy with certain aspects in the relationship. i think i may have mentioned it before, but there's a not-insignificant imbalance here. i thought that i could tolerate almost anything for the sake of the relationship. and i could, if it was the date and i against external factors. but having to struggle against the date's reluctance to progress and seeming unwillingness to fight for the relationship together, it's taken its toll. i just wish i'd did this before the breaking point. then again, that's why it's called a "breaking" point, isn't it? i did tell the date that there were a few things that'd we'd have to iron out before taking the next step, and they were rather surprised. perhaps i've just never let them know how badly i've been affected. and if the date is unwilling to change, or at least strike a compromise, then it's not going to be worth me fighting for. i think i told my scary JC friend as much, and she said something like i'm no longer looking at the relationship through rose-coloured glasses. i'd have to agree, though i'm surprised how drastic a change in perception it is.

i guess the past and the future are kind of linked, because your past experiences affects your outlook on the future. to be honest, the future scares me. i'm so afraid that even though the date says they'll try to change, they're just saying it to appease me. or that i'll grow impatient and end up hurting them more (in my defense, it's been 19 months+ already). i really don't want to take the plunge and have it end up in failure, or to go through this whole thing every few months if the date doesn't take action and keeps going through the motions. worst thing is, i have a precedent that makes me believe that will be the case. or rather, many precedents. before things got this bad in my head, i had told the date multiple times that i would like us to progress faster. i even told the date, "don't keep me waiting too long". that was valentine's day last year, i think? and in the end, look at how things turned out. i really want to believe things will take a turn for the better, but my rational side is preparing a truckload of salt with which to take the thought.

as usual, the question remains - what now? if i could answer that, i wouldn't be in this dilemma now, would i? right now, about 75% of me wants to have either a temporary or permanent break. the other 25% wants to continue on, but with certain conditions. one of those conditions is definitely to address the imbalance in the relationship. the problem is, i don't know how to arrive at a good resolution. i just don't want to feel...unloved, for lack of a better word. it's like, sometimes, i reach over to hold the date's hand, and they just don't want to. even when we're in private. or they'll do it, with some reluctance. it sucks. that's why when relating such things to my friends, the common consensus is that the date isn't all that into me. the other thing is about secrets. the date is not one to voluntarily explain themself to me. i don't think that they have ulterior motives, but it gets frustrating sometimes. and more importantly, it takes away my chance to have an input. like, would it kill for them to tell me that they have my best interests at heart? at least give me a reason, not simply "don't tell you" or "it's not your business" or "because i say so". it's such an inadmissible argument! another thing would be that i'd want to see positive action. the date tells me that they place little stock in words (which is what makes me think that the "boyfriend" thing may just be an appeasement tactic), and that they judge people on their actions. in these past 19 months, i think my actions are quite self-explanatory. so, looking forward, if the date truly wants to show their effort, they have to take action. most concrete example i can think of right now: booking a hotel for a staycation or planning a trip itinerary. i'm not expecting to be taken for a free ride; of course i'll pay my fair share. but i do need to see some effort, i guess. the last thing i can think of right now is for the date to be less critical. we'd actually spoken about this earlier this year, and i think there's been a bit of improvement. but still, the mentioning of my negative attributes seem to outnumber that of my positive attributes. and it's not like i really crave for praise...i would be fine if the date remained neutral and didn't say anything in either direction, i think.

earlier i mentioned that it was quite a radical change in perception. i wonder if it's because i got pushed past my limit already. which, i suppose, leads to the next question. can we work past this issue? as you know, i'm not confident enough to give a 100% yes. and despite what i've written here, the relationship isn't all that bad. there were happy moments, most definitely. i had always been telling myself that the positive aspects of the relationship outweighed the negative. now, it seems that the negative aspects have accumulated sufficiently to change that. i guess i'll find out after talking to the date again, relationships are two-way, after all.

-random thought of the day: Stop worrying.-

Continuing from the previous, post, i'm supposed to blog about genesis. no, it's nothing biblical. genesis here is the name of a gym, which i've decided to sign up for. their selling point is that they're not really selling a gym membership. instead, they're selling a personal training package, and the training is conducted in their gym facility. i've had 2 sessions over the past week, and if i had to choose, i would definitely give them my money, instead of anytime fitness. the trainers at genesis are more attentive, focused, appear more knowledgeable, and overall just present themselves better. key observation: i haven't smelled cigarette smoke on any of the genesis trainers. so far, it's been a positive experience. i have some clear guidelines on what to aim for now. actually for me, the biggest challenge is my diet. i thought i was doing well for the meal prep, but the trainers broke down what i actually put in, and found that it was still too little. the goal they set for me was 140g of protein and 25g of fiber per day. even with my stew/soup, i wasn't even hitting half of that. so after a week of tracking, i roughly know what i have to do. that is, to approximately double the portion of fish, add some other types of meat, and swap out some nutrient-poor vegetables for better choices. i should really plan a massive grocery trip soon. maybe tomorrow. also, i need to find a supermarket that has a bit more variety than the NTUC at rivervale mall. am tempted to order online, but i don't want to risk it with fresh produce.

hit a minor roadblock in writing the paper. i don't know how much i'm allowed to reveal here, so i'll keep it vague enough. basically i got a result that appeared to contradict previous literature. but upon closer examination, one of the experimental variables was different. so i'm basing my argument on that. on the brighter side, it seems that my compound is more toxic than the original one from which it was derived, so that's a positive sign. but as my postdoc reminded me, i shouldn't get too happy just yet. after all, that was only one experiment out of a set of triplicates. still, i'm choosing to remain optimistic.

in not-so-good news, the date and i are having a difference of opinion. it seems that we are on quite different pages, as far as how we view progress is concerned. the date told me that they thought we were progressing nicely, which as you may know, is totally not how i feel. the date also shared that they still had some reservations about us living together, partially because they weren't sure how i'd get along with the mother if we lived under the same roof. sure, the three of us going out for dinner has been nice and all, but it was a valid point - living together is a whole different ball game. but then, living together will only become a concern in another 6 years at the earliest, so i can overlook that for now. what's troubling me a bit more is that the date can't seem to give me what i want at this point in time. things that i've mentioned in the last post, so i won't repeat them now. it's got me thinking about the whole relationship, actually. we are fairly different people, but that's a gap that can be bridged by a bit more time and understanding. as long as both parties put in effort, you know? the problem is, we can't accurately measure effort. the date may be doing their best, but as you can see, i'm not feeling it as much. and it's not all their fault either. maybe i'm not doing enough to make them feel secure. like, they've mentioned that my temperament is still a rather significant deterrent. to put things in the opposite perspective, i wonder if the date has seen how much i've mellowed, and whether they can appreciate how hard i've been working on it.

anyway, partway through our talk, the date said that they could not promise me anything on when they'd be ready to move on to the next phase of the relationship, and that if i wanted us to stop dating, they'd understand. after all, i deserved a chance to be happy. all i had to do was tell them first. i'm torn about how to take this. on one hand, i appreciate that the date recognizes that there is an issue, and is mature enough to find an outcome that doesn't really do much damage to either of us. and yet, another part of me is a bit upset that the date is willing to just let it go so easily. you know, i think in making the decision on whether to call it off or not, there will be push and pull factors. push being the date alienating me (which has happened to a small extent this past week), pull being me falling for someone else, to quote two of the more obvious hypothetical examples. as of right now, i think we're still relatively ok. so, my plan is to keep what we have going, and do my best to give the date their time and space. i just hope that my patience will pay off. and to accord the date the same respect that they're giving me, i won't attempt to start dating new people without informing them. that's basic human decency, right? and of course, i should be mentally prepared in case the date takes things out of my hands and breaks it off for whatever reason. after all, relationships are two-way.

unlike the previous times where there was the possibility of a breakup, i'm feeling rather calm now. perhaps it's because having that kind of open, honest talk with the date convinced me that even if we were no longer to date, we'd still remain on good terms. i know some people have awkward/messy breakups, and i'm thankful that in the event that this becomes my first breakup, it will be milder. i'm not saying that it won't hurt, but it won't hurt as bad as some of the others that i've witnessed. although the more i think about it, the more it seems like a self-fulfilling prophecy. if we both prepare for a breakup, it makes it seem like a breakup is a viable choice. i mean, it is, but not one that is to be considered so quickly. at the end of the day, i just hope that we'll both be only minimally hurt, if at all. one thing i'm really hoping for is that in the event of a breakup, i won't become jaded and bitter. part of the date's slow pace was because of their past experience with their ex, which is something that i don't have a basis of comparison for. i really wonder, how much did that breakup hurt the date for them to still be carrying the baggage of it close to 4 years later? it's something that i hope never happens to me, to be honest. i'm not sure how i'll handle something like that.

well...let's not worry about things beyond our control. what i can do is focus on research. i've got to collect references for my paper, find a way to explain the conflicting results, and send a draft back to my professor. then HPLC separation of my main compound, plus some further reactions.

-random thought of the day: Focus.-