Feeling positive is good. i can even tolerate feeling negative. the thing that drives me up the wall is not knowing the reasons for my negative feelings, or being undecided about how to feel regarding a certain issue. i think, in the past week, sufficient things have happened for me to be feeling a little out of sorts now.

graduate studies is very different from undergrad stuff, as i'm finding out first-hand now. for one, my professor's expectations are WAY higher. for UROPS and honours, i don't think i really ever sat down with him to discuss my project; my mentor usually gave me all the information i needed. now that i'm flying solo without a mentor, i have to get all the information myself. yes, i know it's expected, and it's not an unreasonable expectation. i should learn to do better literature searches. and my professor expects me to be aware of similar reactions, past history, and recent developments. in fact, i've been grilled twice in the past 3 days, and the result is that i'm more motivated. at the same time, a large weight has settled itself on my shoulders. once again, i must state that these expectations are not unreasonable. looks like i can't just skim through papers any more. have to identify the questions what i'll most likely be asked, and come up with some plausible answers.

i think that my professor's management style is quite interesting. some other professors i know rule by fear, that is, they yell at their students, and are constantly chasing for results. my professor, however, uses a more...benevolent approach. he rarely gets angry with us, or if he does, he hides it really well. instead, he just "strongly recommends" that we do stuff. sure we can ignore his advice, but it's usually to our extreme disadvantage. and the thing is, i get this horrible sense of guilt when i can't deliver. i have to admit it; i lucked out when this professor accepted me as one of his students. he's extremely nice, and doesn't make impossible demands. so, it kind of sucks when i can't give him what he asked for. guess i'll have to work more efficiently from now on. as a side-note, i wonder if my professor's remarkable lack of visible temper is because he's a practising christian. just a random thought.

as for my research, things are looking up. i have some direction! my immediate objectives are clear, and i'm just hoping that experiments go smoothly. although what everyone in lab says is true also i guess...results obtained without challenge are usually not publishable. and it's my turn to present at next week's group meeting. so fast. well...i think i should have enough content to last 15-20 minutes or so. hopefully that will be enough.

lying is usually tolerated when you're not affected by the lie. at least that's the way it is for me. or sometimes, lies aren't lies...just withholding the complete truth. the reason this seemingly-random topic is coming up is because i've been doing my fair share of lying...or truth-withholding, at any rate. it's really...tiring? tiresome? frustrating? not to be able to come clean with people, especially when this issue is quite huge. worse is that people i know will be affected, so that gives me more reason to lay the whole truth out. maybe i should plan to do it by my 25th birthday. or not. i don't know. long story short, it sucks to be in this situation.

i've been thinking about this for a while, but kept forgetting to post about it. you know no matter how much a person is hated, there will still be people who love him/her. after all, that person is someone's child, and may be someone else's parent, spouse, relative, or whatnot. to use the reverse argument, how do nasty people interact with their families/loved ones? based on my observation that certain people can be so two-faced and prone to stirring up trouble, i really wonder how they're like at home. but i guess i'll never know, considering my disinclination to get close to such people.

somehow, i feel an emo moment coming along. not good. i know that it's related to a few things, that person being one of them. it's for a different reason, though...considerably less serious than before. should clear up once i talk to them. another reason for me to be emo now is that SJI training is stopping soon because the kids have to sit for exams. to be honest, wednesdays and saturdays are the highlights of my week. not that school is bad or anything, mind you, but getting to interact with the kids is generally more enjoyable than running experiments and columns. well...it's not like training is suspended forever. besides, it might be a good thing, since i have to focus on my research anyway.

few other things to blog about...but not tonight. maybe tomorrow. these things include safety test, transponder, fuel economy, budget, and whatever i've forgotten to include at this point.

-random thought of the day: Wish that I could care less about some things.-

Temperatures were (well, still are) abnormally high this weekend, even for singapore. it was to the point where i had trouble sleeping last night. hopefully that doesn't repeat itself tonight, because i've to be back in lab tomorrow, and i need a good night's sleep.

i'll save my blogging prompts for later, because i have to talk about today's training session. normally, i don't train with SJC, but today's training was special because the national coach is going back to korea tomorrow. so, SJC invited him down to conduct a last training session. personally, i find it a pity that he has to go off earlier than expected, but it's due to certain circumstances, so can't do much about it. i think the combination of me being unfit and the hotter-than-usual weather really wiped me out. still, today's training can't compare to national training. wonder how the national athletes survive. physical torture aside, there were some great learning points, like how to link attacks, proper breaking balance (big motions!) and turning-jumping entry for shoulder throw. definitely worth passing this knowledge on to the kids. as a bonus, i got to take a photo with him, and got his autograph! if i ever go to korea, i think that's my ticket to crashing a couple of his training sessions.

after training, i was approached by one of the SJC members, who invited me to come by and help out by teaching beginners at the club. it's not the first time he's extended this invitation to me, and i really do appreciate that he thinks highly enough of me to even ask me. but schedule-related issues (and laziness, to an extent,) have prevented me from taking him up on it thus far. and now, there's a small added complication. can't reveal it here for now, because it's not solid yet. give me a month or so. but depending on how things go, i MIGHT actually commit to going down once or twice a month on sundays.

ok. time for the blogging prompts, starting with AGS, which is the most overdue. AGS stands for A*STAR graduate scholarship, and my professor strongly recommended that i apply for it. so i did. it basically offers higher pay than the NUSRS (which i'm under now), and similarly, there's no bond or anything after completing the degree. the thing that bugs me a little is what happens if i terminate the scholarship halfway? for the NUSRS, i only have to pay back what i received for the month of termination (pro-rated), so that means i won't have a huge debt if i choose to quit. this is in contrast to my friends in NGS, who have to pay back every single cent that they've been given upon termination of the contract. how's that for pressure? i really really hope the AGS follows the NUSRS in this regard. it's been more than a week since my application, and i haven't heard from them. not sure how the application will turn out, but to be honest, i'm secretly hoping that i don't get it. somehow, i get the feeling that i'll be held to much higher standards under the AGS as compared to the NUSRS. though it may not be significant, just the thought of it will probably be enough to mess with my head.

going to the venue to pay for the first aid course confirmed one thing for me - i will definitely not be driving down at all. the parking is ridiculously expensive! and there's a limited number of lots, which makes it worse. lucky i found out beforehand...it would have sucked to be caught by surprise on the day itself. on the bright side, outram park mrt is reasonably near...like a 5 minutes' walk from the place. even before the course started, i got a very good impression of the staff there. i had mistakenly went to the training centre to pay, when i should have gone to the main office, which was a short walk away. i asked a nice lady for directions, and she went out of her way to take me to my destination! major major plus points. i'm actually looking forward to the course. hopefully it goes smoothly, then i can begin my NROC application. with any luck, that won't take long either.

in lab this week, i've managed to synthesize another substrate (pending NMR), and fail to synthesize something else. it's kind of intimidating, now that i think about it. although my senior has experience in this type of reaction, he didn't really focus on it. furthermore, our substrate scope is quite different, which means that i'm pretty much alone for the synthesis. thankfully, it's a supposedly easy reaction, so i'm not THAT worried. what's frustrating me right now is that i don't have the exact reagent i need, so i'm actually resorting to using a different reaction, and that's giving some trouble. think i have to leave it heating for a longer time, or maybe change one reagent. that'll be tomorrow's task i think.

something quite surprised me yesterday. it seems that favourite SJI boy is in trouble with some teachers in school. i'm having some trouble understanding this, because in all my interactions with him (both in and out of training), i've found him to be respectful, easygoing, and generally nice to be around. and from what he tells me, the impression of him i get while he's in school is that he's kind of defiant, and has some mouth control issues. it's practically 2 different people! seriously confusing. but then, i suppose it's because he doesn't see me as a teacher, and his teachers are somewhat unreasonable, while i'm pretty relaxed. he told me that he did something wrong, and while i agree that some punishment/discipline is in order, i think the recommended punishment is a little too harsh. actually, he could have got away with it; i think that it's really making a mountain out of a molehill. then again, i'm a little (ok, a lot) biased in his favour, plus i don't know all the details. at any rate, this issue should work itself out in due time. just hope he endures this week well.

been monitoring my fuel consumption. currently, i'm getting close to 10km/L. sounds reasonable, though i think it can be pushed up even higher. i think my worst driving habit is that i accelerate too fast. that's ok on long stretches of road, but not so much when traffic lights are spaced 100m or so away. and i've also recently begun using engine brake to help in deceleration. sounds impossible on an automatic transmission, but there's a D3 position on my gear shift. it's similar to the D position, just that only the first 3 gears are used instead of the full range of 4 (or 5?). that way, i can engage a lower gear to slow the car down. other things i have to do are to check the tyre pressure (i suspect they're under-inflated), and maybe send it in for a wash. those damned birds have left their mark quite prominently. although i get rid of the worst of it using water, some traces still remain.

my next few weeks are looking kind of busy. school aside, there's still meeting up with JC friends for dinner (this coming friday), SJI grading next saturday (not sure about CJC), the first aid course the week after that, and research group dinner sometime in the week after as well. just have to remember what goes where, and find time to slot in a couple of kata training sessions as well after my partner comes back from overseas.

-random thought of the day: Seems like the hot weather will continue.-

Group meeting is at 10:30am tomorrow morning, and i have some sleep debt to catch up on. bearing these points in mind, i'll try to get write as much content as i can, using the fewest number of words.

the main thing that triggered this post is moron drivers. could be because i'm driving more often, but my tolerance for road stupidity has decreased sharply. why is it that some people can't stretch their finger to flick the signal indicator? i don't particularly care about cars which are far away, but not signalling when trying to filter right in front of me usually earns the driver a high beam, or if it's really close, a blast of the horn. worse still, some people drive more dangerously when the road is relatively emptier, like at around 10:00pm. on my drive back from school tonight, i've seen a taxi try to cut in front of me near a red light, and an idiot who thought it would be fun to speed past me as the lanes were merging. looks like i should adjust my hours to leave earlier or later. while earlier would be preferable, i think it'll most likely be later once i get my transponder.

i've got a theory on why some drivers drive like idiots. it all boils down to the saying, "nice guys finish last"...although in this context, "nice guys reach last" might be more appropriate. i've experienced this myself...sometimes, no matter now early you signal, nobody will give way. in fact, some people even speed up to overtake you before they are slowed down by your filtering. thus, i can see why it's "better" to just filter, because that way, people will be caught off-guard and you are more likely to filter successfully in a shorter time. what they have conveniently chose to ignore is that the chance of accidents also goes up when other drivers are forced to react at an instant. as for weaving in and out, i highly believe that the main reason for this behaviour is to reduce speed as little as possible. when you reduce speed, not only do you wear your brakes down, you also need to accelerate back up again, and that wastes fuel, which is the same as wasting money. and i guess forcing other people to stop or slow down (sometimes abruptly) just so they can save money is completely justified to these people.

normally, i enjoy driving very much. but when faced with these kinds of people, i get extremely upset. that's usually when ideas to solve these problems start forming in my head. the most peaceful way i've thought of is legislation (my lawmaker/future lawmaker readers, listen up). make inconsiderate driving illegal. inconsiderate drivers should be charged as long as there's video evidence. unless, of course, it can't be avoided, like having the turn signals suddenly die or similar. moving up the list is tracking device launcher. plant a tracker on the car, then you'll know where the person stays or works. i'll leave it to your imagination as to how this can develop. up a notch from that is car-mounted rocket launcher. it's not feasible because it would cause significant collateral damage, not to mention that privately owning weapons of this scale is illegal almost everywhere. nevertheless, i can't help but imagine what fun i would have if i could destroy idiotic drivers' cars.

that took longer than expected. looks like i have to go off now if i want to get sufficient sleep to be energetic tomorrow.

-random thought of the day: Blogging prompts...first aid course payment, AGS, this week in the lab.-

Back in secondary school, almost everyone around me was crazy about jay chou. me...not so much, because i didn't (and still don't) really listen to chinese songs. plus, i can't quite make out what he's saying in the songs, which makes appreciating the song a little more difficult i think. despite all that, i was still exposed to his music thanks to my friends. for some odd reason, the first line of his song 安静 (translated: quiet) has been stuck in my head for a while. the line goes, "只剩下钢琴陪我谈了一天" which literally translates to "there's only the piano left talking to me the entire day". makes no sense, because i don't have any particular affinity with pianos (or musical instruments in general). based on that, i'm guessing it might be the tune. not being a musical person, i'm hardly able to adequately describe it in writing. the best i can say is that it sounds unique. may be i should listen to it a few times to unstick it.

week 2 of school started today, and i really feel like i'm not making much progress. so far, all i've done is a sample reaction and a substrate synthesis. if i was really rushing for time, i could probably do those things in 3 days. i could make excuses, like not having enough space in the main lab, the new lab lacking in facilities, being unfamiliar with the reaction since i'm just starting, and a few other reasons which will come to me if i think hard enough. while all that is true, the main problem is that i've been incredibly slack. granted that it's still the beginning of my grad student career, but i think that that excuse won't fly by my professor. maybe not having a transponder might work a little better. at any rate, that's my self-imposed deadline. i am allowed to slack until i get my transponder. if all goes well, that should be around second week of september.

just wanted to blog about 3 other major things. judo, dogs, and...something that's temporarily slipped my mind. let's see if i remember it before the end of...oh wait! first aid! go me. not getting old. first aid is actually related to judo, but not about the judo which i want to talk about in the first point. confusing, i know, but read on. the judo i want to talk about is about SJI training (not SJI/CJC since CJC hasn't been training for the past 2 weeks). when i was in JC, hanging out with our seniors after saturday training was kind of a tradition. somehow or another, that tradition died out while i was in army, and was only revived recently. maybe my new mobility has something to do with it? i don't dare assume that that's the case, but it sure makes things way more convenient. but i digress. having lunch with some of the kids after training is a good way to bond, i think. it's certainly a more relaxed atmosphere than in training. not that i'm super strict during training, but a certain level of discipline has to be upheld. anyway, it's good i think, to spend time with them. i think it builds trust to some degree, and it gives us more common topics than just judo. at the same time, we can find out more about each other, which is part of the whole trust-building thing, i suppose. the bugger is that group meeting prevents me from going back on saturdays. i really wonder how my lab's group meeting came to be on a saturday. i mean, my friends' labs have their meetings on thursdays and fridays, so that's not entirely out of the question. maybe i can push for a change when i'm more senior. although i've been a member of the research group for about 18 months so far, i'm still relatively junior. there are still...7 people who have been in the group longer than me, and going by rank, 11 people who are above me. so i'll definitely have to wait a while before i'm big enough to have a significant voice in the lab. well, i suppose i can compromise and just join them for lunch. on a side note, things are still normal with that person. let's hope the situation either maintains or improves...preferably improves.

rearrangement! i'll talk about first aid first, even though i wrote dogs as the next item on the list. like i said before, first aid is related to judo, so i thought there would be a sense of continuity. so, how exactly are those topics related? well, remember i went for the judo NCAP course earlier in the year? that wasn't enough to get me full coach certification. for judo at least, being certified in first aid is another requirement. don't remember such a thing for bowling, though...anyway. some of the judo people recommended the singapore first aid training centre. after looking through their site, i feel quite interested to sign up. they claim that their teaching method helps retention and ensures that we'll be able to respond properly. the only issue is that the course is held over 3 days - friday to sunday. group meeting means that i'm not able to go for the saturday morning session, which sucks. thankfully, after some emailing back and forth, i was told that i could miss that session, though i'm very sure i'm supposed to self-study whatever i'll be missing out on. or maybe the stars will align and group meeting will be cancelled on that particular week. unlikely, but i can hope.

now, dogs. i wrote about wanting to volunteer at the SPCA about a year ago, but then found another animal shelter through the cat high old boys' network. due to honours project, i didn't have the time or energy to go down, and i was away for most of the summer. long story short, yesterday was my first volunteering session there. it was more of an orientation/training thing, and i got to walk one of the dogs there. while i would still be interested to volunteer, i guess that when i thought about it, i didn't really factor in every single detail. for instance, the smell caught me by surprise. even though the dogs are bathed pretty regularly, it still took some getting used to. and for some reason, my water bottle (which i'd left in the car) started smelling like wet dog. mildly off-putting, though the water tastes ok. overall, it was a positive experience, and i definitely will be going back as soon as they can have me. while looking at the dogs there, i saw a few good-looking dogs, and a few kind-of generic mixed-breed stray-type dogs. i guess on a certain level, humans are superficial by nature. i admit, i was drawn towards this particular wolf-type dog called viking. if i had sufficient space and time, i would have adopted him on the spot. but still, i'm resolved to spend time with the less sociable dogs as well. maybe if all goes well, i can attempt to train a few of them with my amateur skills.

oops. looks like i still didn't blog about the scholarship. there's really not much to say, especially since i don't think i'll be getting it anyway. but still, i'll try to remember it next time.not now; it's getting quite late, and i'd like to be up early tomorrow.

-random thought of the day: Must adjust sleep cycle.-

Late days are quickly becoming a familiar feature in my life again. the main causes are late classes, lab work, and judo obligations. even though it's only week 1, i doubt i've reached home earlier than 9:00pm. not that i mind...there's not much to do at home, either. it's basically come back, microwave something (if i didn't eat in school), get on the computer for a while, then sleep. i actually could get used to this routine. only thing i have to work on right now is waking up on time. that has been a problem since undergrad times. not like undergrad times were very far away, but still.

to update you on what's been going on these few days, i kind of know my research direction, have attended classes, and more or less know what the routine is going to be like for this semester. monday's class is advanced organic materials. my friends' and my first impression is that it's not that difficult, actually. supporting evidence being that the lecturer spent the first lecture going through aromaticity of 4- to 18-membered rings. he also says that the exam will definitely contain a question on aromaticity, which i think won't be that hard, because aromaticity is easy (i still regret screwing up my year 1 mid-term question on aromaticity), and because it's open-book. all in all, thus module shouldn't be a major problem...i hope.

spent practically the whole of my time in school on tuesday cutting TLC plates. even then, i still think it's not enough. i have a lot of 4cm X 4cm square plates for testing column test-tubes, but not enough 4cm X 2cm plates for general TLC. think i'll cut some more tomorrow, while waiting for my reaction. tuesday was also organometallics day. i find that the lecturer (my friend's professor) is kind of intimidating, despite my friend's repeated reassurance that he's a nice guy. maybe it's because he's a physically big guy, or because he was an ex-officer. doesn't make sense, though. i'm not normally intimidated by big guys or officers. or maybe it's the way he talks. well, if what my friend says is true, i should be able to feel more at ease with him in the upcoming weeks.

also went co-op shopping on tuesday. i bought 2 notebooks, diamond lead, and a pack of sour skittles, and only paid slightly more than $1 thanks to that voucher. the notebooks i got this time were unlined, ie. the pages are completely blank. got them in 2 sizes, one A5, one B5. and it's happening again! although the A5 notebook is a nice size, i am extremely reluctant to use it. that's because the cover page and spiral binding are both blue, which is quite unique. WHY does this keep happening!? on the other hand, the B5 might be a bit big...i think that one's better used for recording whatever thoughts and stuff come to mind, or maybe even for idle doodling or writing (which is basically doodling with words). hopefully this attempt at keeping a notebook goes better than my horrible failed attempt during secondary school. i like my odds better now though, since i'm not about to try poetry again. that was actually bordering on ugly. maybe i'll keep the blue notebook and buy another regular one for use.

diamond lead was more of a curious purchase than anything. its existence was first brought to my attention previously on the chem kids whatsapp group. the name might be a little misleading. it's obviously (to me, anyway) not a stick of lead made entirely of diamond. rather, the lead supposedly contains nano-diamonds, which according to the advertisement, are supposed to reduce the friction while writing or something like that. that somewhat goes against my intuition, but i figured that since i had a voucher, and it was only 60 cents more expensive than my usual brand of lead, i'd give it a try. not sure when my current lead supply will run out though, so a product review may not appear so soon.

it seems that wednesday judo plans might work out after all. i made it back to CJC for training, but turned out that only SJI was there. the J1s stood down for promos i think. gave favourite SJI boy the gyro ball, and he seems to like it. took him about 3 minutes to figure out how it worked, which is still a relatively short time. hope he makes it work for him. i actually enjoy talking to this kid. goodness. there's something about him...charisma? i don't know. to me, charisma sounds fake. i can't explain it, but he has the knack of attracting people. i am pretty sure he doesn't actively try, which makes it even more impressive/scary.

i've got a bit more to say about working in the new lab, and my current experiments, but it's getting late, so i think i'll save those things, along with the scholarship which my professor asked me to apply for, until the next post.

-random thought of the day: Stop overlseeping!-

My cousin suddenly asked me out for dinner earlier. we had sashimi at parkway parade's sakuraya. quailty was decent...for singapore standards, that is. price-wise, a little on the high side (about $75 for 2 portions of squid, salmon, swordfish and regular tuna), but it was enjoyable. decided to indulge my curiosity and try natto (fermented soy beans). the taste reminded me a bit of coffee, actually. don't know if i got old/bad natto, or if it was really supposed to taste that way. from watching iron chef, i'd also known that there would be a slimy coating on the beans which would give rise to sticky threads when stirred. now, i'm normally ok with slimy food, though i have to admit that the strings resembled mucus a little more than i'd have liked. assuming that the natto i had today was of decent quality, i think i don't really care much for it. or maybe i ate it the wrong way (stirring too little or too much). before i declare it as not my thing, i think i should at least give it another try, preferably with authentic japanese preparation. maybe i'll ask favourite SJI boy about it.

i'm grateful for this sudden dinner plan. it's always nice to talk to this cousin, since we practically grew up together. think i've mentioned it before, but we're actually half-brothers since we're related through both parents' families. he was telling me about his condo purchase with his soon-to-be wife. they got their first choice of house, which is this development in punggol (or was it sengkang?). apparently, it's quite close to the flat which my dad was allocated, which means we'll be in even closer proximity in about 3 years. as a side benefit, that means i have access to his condo's gym and pool facilities if i should ever want to use them.

kind of scary, actually. it's not just my cousin, i have a fair number of friends my age who are getting married and buying houses. i, on the other hand, am perfectly happy being single with a car. well...maybe not perfectly. my emo moments give me away. but still, a house doesn't even factor into my plans at this point. makes me a little worried. if i had to get a house, i think those 1- or 2-room HDB apartments meant for singles would be good enough. seems like they cost a little over $100 000, so that seems reasonable (my cousin will be paying about 9 times that for his 3-room condo). problem is i have to wait until i'm over 35, which is about 10 years later. if possible, i would like to move out and live on my own by 30. although it will be more expensive, a small part of me wants the luxury of living in a condo. given my disinclination to get married, a 1- or 2-room condo should be fine. wonder how much those cost? there's a lot of stuff i don't know about getting houses...stuff like HDB eligibility, ability and limits of using CPF for payment, and some other issues. no matter. i guess what i can do for now is to start saving. i'm sure my cousin or whoever will be available for consultation should the need arise.

some other topics that came up include job prospects. he's got contacts in all sorts of places, so if i'm desperate, i could always get a few strings pulled. according to his conversations with people in the industry, LNG (liquefied natural gas) is the big thing for now, and will be for a good time to come. perhaps it's good that i'm doing organic. that way, i won't be scared by long carbon chains. the salary for a phd seems to be good, too...estimated at $16 000 a month. if i earned that, i could pay off a condo in probably the same time i'll take to pay off the car. but let's not get carried away. get that phd first, that's the priority now.

we went to katong 112 for dessert after that. from what my cousin told me, katong 112 is actually located on the site of the old katong mall, where we used to go for arcade trips back in primary/secondary school. such a big change! i'm actually pretty surprised that the mall gets enough human traffic to be economically viable, given that it's in a not-so-trendy/populated location. i definitely think the mall is worth exploring some more when i next get the chance. based on what little i saw of the shops there, there's a good mix of food places, lifestyle shops, sports equipment, and random things which draw interest from people of all ages, ie. something for everyone in the family.

dessert was at blackball, where i tried the blackball signature. previously during a chem kids outing at star vista, i refrained from ordering that because i thought the sweet potato and other root vegetables would be in their native form, which is not something i particularly like. to my (pleasant) surprise, these root vegetables were actually treated to have a more chewy consistency. on the downside, the treatment made them all taste somewhat similar. based on taste alone, i don't think i could differentiate a piece of yam from a piece of sweet potato in that dessert. nevertheless, it was good. the one modification i would make to my own dessert next time would be to omit the red beans, but that's more of a personal preference thing.

after dessert, my cousin wanted to check out this store selling cufflinks. at least that's what he told me. i found it a little surprising that a shop would be dedicated to cufflinks, but it turned out that it was one of those rent-a-locker shops. you know, the kind where you rent a locker, fill it with things you want to sell, and wait for customers. to my great astonishment and delight, i found that they had a locker with gyro balls, the same kind that my partner shipped in last time! we were just talking about it the other day, and we agreed that it would be nice for our kids to have one. so, i bought one for favourite SJI boy. since i got it locally, and there was a promotion, i saved quite a bit. more happiness. wonder if he'll have trouble learning to use it? it took me about 30 seconds, while my partner took 2 minutes.

school starts tomorrow. i'm a little nervous, actually, which is odd. i've been in the same lab for 3 semesters now, so it's not like i have to adapt to research life. maybe adapt to the new lab, where i'll be based for now. the way i see it, week 1 will mostly be spent setting everything up. mundane stuff like getting glassware, cutting TLC plates (my entire stock vanished over the summer), maybe trying a few simple representative reactions from each of the 2 projects which my professor wants me to choose from. which reminds me. i should talk to my professor a bit more, find out the possibility of expansion for each project. i also have to make a few purchases from the co-op, mainly to use up the $10 voucher i got from participating in some life science study. it expires tomorrow, so that's a nice coincidence. think i'll get a couple of notebooks. i have mentioned my penchant for buying notebooks but not using them, right? difference is that i'll have to use them from now on, what with training logs and being more serious in group meetings. if that doesn't consume the voucher entirely, i'll do some random shopping. nothing else comes to mind right now, but we'll see when i'm there tomorrow.

-random thought of the day: Feeling positive.-

Dear future me,

i know that you have the habit of looking back into your archives, so i'd thought i'd leave you a little note before school starts and you get swamped with work. at this point in time, i'm feeling nice and relaxed, partially due to the long weekend break. so, i think now is a good time to write something like this, since i don't have to worry about negative emotions distorting my perspective.

just to set the scene, school begins this coming monday. right now, i'm feeling more excited than anything. i think after a few months (weeks? days?) you'll be thinking to yourself, 'why was i ever excited to start school!?' right now, it's probably because experiments haven't started failing yet. once the actual impact of your responsibilities and what people expect of you sink in, i think that being in such a nice, relaxed mood will be somewhat of a rare occurrence. nevertheless, do try to relax as often as you can. some stress is healthy, but too much stress will kill you.

please be more organized and meticulous in recording your lab data...for instance, dating the experiments, labelling the synthesized compounds, among other things. i'm sorry that i didn't really start you off with these good habits during UROPS and honours, so you have to be more conscientious about it now. from this morning's group meeting, you know that to improve your odds of passing the QE, you have to show people that you do a lot of work. also, be careful in the lab. the last thing anyone needs is an accident.

since you only have to take 6 modules, i doubt that academics will be a problem for you. research may keep you occupied, but please also remember to study. the minimum CAP is 3.5, but try to push for 4 if possible. who knows? a shiny PGF may be in your future. and if you're not allowed to take japanese, don't be too upset. there are external classes available, after all. i'm sure that if my current interest in the language continues, you'll find a way to learn.

as for judo, persevere. get your kata solid, and improve your fitness. it's not easy...i should know. keep your goals in mind...dan grading 2014, maybe SEA games 2015 if the category opens up. remember to plan your time well and find a balance somehow. might not be that easy in year 1, but i believe you'll get the hang of it eventually.

lastly, please remember that you're doing this because you want(ed) to. when it gets tough, remember that many people have done it before, and if they could do it, so can you. you have a lot of resources available to you, so use them to the fullest. as always, i believe in you.

much love,
current me

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want to have something to fall back on in the next 4 years, so i thought, 'what better way to do that than to write yourself a letter?' it's something i've been wanting to try anyway, so why not? it's a fairly decent attempt i think, though i'm quite sure that i've forgotten to note down some things that i wanted to say. guess i'll add these things in if/when they come to me.

had project salmon at my partner's place yesterday. the short version is we (me, my partner, his friend, and favourite SJI boy) bought a whole salmon and ate it. long version reads pretty much the same, with the addition that we used a few different cooking methods. i'm not sure if my sense of size is off, or if my appetite decreased. in the planning phase, i estimated that i could tackle about 1kg of salmon by myself. that would have been about half of the 2.8kg fish that we bought. don't know if i actually ate that much, though i doubt it.

while leaving his place, i drove down a short but steep slope too quickly. not sure if that was when it happened, but there are now significant scratches (ie. paint scratched off) on the passenger-side front bumper. the other possibility i can think of was that it happened when i brushed that kerb at ubi a month ago. i'm having trouble remembering if the scratches have been there before yesterday. something tells me that i'm trying to assign the blame to yesterday's incident, although it may not have occurred then. whatever the case, i'm not TOO upset over it, because i guess now the car has a distinguishing feature. besides, it's only cosmetic...though i must admit it shows up very clearly against the black paint. even then, though, a casual onlooker will probably miss it the first time.

been feeling a bit irritable today. maybe it was due to the lack of sleep after the drinking session last night. should probably turn in earlier to compensate for the sleep debt. must do area cleaning tomorrow (i bought the cases already), because i have to free my files up for the lecture notes for monday's class. that's it for now, i think...i may elaborate on the past few days in another post.

-random thought of the day: Blog about national day, buying notebooks.-

Something feels off. while i have a pretty good idea of what it is, let's talk about happier things first.

going back to lab to try reactions doesn't exactly scream "happy" to most people, but i kind of liked it. the reaction i tried was an easy one...not water-sensitive, can be exposed to air, and doesn't take too long. have to do something easy to gain confidence and shake off the summer rust. i've isolated (what i think is) the product already, and am waiting to NMR it on monday. hopefully my graduate lab career will start off on a positive note. speaking of NMR, the nice (but scary) NMR lab officer told me to refamiliarize myself with the 300MHz machine before beginning training on the 500MHz. which remind me. i have to email her to get my booking rights back.

the downside about doing experiments is that there's simply no space! despite my (now ex-)mentor being on leave, his space isn't available for use either. i ended up borrowing a stir plate to start the reaction, and using my senior's fume hood to run the column at night. not only that, all my glassware, stirrer bars, and personal apparatus have gone missing. probably taken by the new postdoc, who's working at my old space. he's a nice enough guy, though it kind of annoyed me when he said that the glassware was "his" when i wanted to get some test tubes to run my column. he probably doesn't know that his fume hood used to be mine, along with everything in the 4 drawers behind him. but well, my professor did tell me to get new glassware from his office when i needed it, so no big deal. besides, it's not like there's a shortage of test tubes or anything. i can definitely find my own.

"meeting my friends for drinks" is kind of a misnomer for this next part. they drank, i didn't because i was driving. doesn't really matter...there are plenty of drinking opportunities. besides, not having alcohol doesn't mean you can't enjoy yourself. it was nice to see my friend before he flies back to the US in approximately...6 hours. thinking whether to go down to the airport to send him off. normally, if the flight was at a more human time, i wouldn't have any second thoughts about doing so. but 5:00am? i really really don't know. guess i'll set my alarm and see what happens then.

the thing that feels off is probably related to the training session-cum-press coverage event at the SJF earlier. i had up-close interaction with a person for the first time today, and alarm bells started ringing in my head. i think it was because of something the person did and said. while it was probably meant as a joke and/or to ease the tension, i thought that it was rather uncalled for. not to mention that this person seems a little fake to me. but well. it seems we'll be forced to interact with each other to some degree, so i guess the plan is to remain professional. that should be doable. about the media coverage...i'm not a medal prospect, so they didn't care too much about me. i prefer it this way, i think. there's supposed to be another session on saturday, this time for a news show. being camera-phobic, i have my reservations. at the same time, i know that this is a very good way to promote the sport, so we have to grab this chance.

4-day long weekend. don't see many of those. not that i can use this one anyway, but that's secondary. there's a fair bit of activity planned in the next 2 days at least. 2 (different) dinners with JC friend(s) and the chem kids, project salmon with my partner (and the kids if they're free), the media thing on saturday, and area cleaning over the weekend (yes, i've put it off for the whole summer). oh. and paying the first instalment of the car loan via AXS machine. must squeeze that in tomorrow. all in all, should be ok. must use these last days of relaxation to the fullest.

-random thought of the day: The air smells smoky again.-

Enough depressing stuff at the top. let's replace it by orientation week! wait...that's still depressing. well, less depressing, at any rate. today was the first day of orientation week, which means that school officially opens in like 7 days. right now, i have kind of mixed feelings about the whole thing. the thought of research scares me a fair bit, but i'm also kind of itching to get back in the lab to get some (meaningful) results from the (successful) experiments which i'll be doing (with any luck). more on that later.

let's take a short detour to the past saturday, where a few seniors and favourite SJI boy went for lunch and ice cream after training. really enjoyed myself...the food was good, company was better. just wish that all my meetings with friends could be that enjoyable at least. i realize that i somehow get this sense of contentment(?) when favourite SJI boy is happy. guess that's why the word "favourite" is in there. nice as that was, what REALLY made my day is that that person and i are on talking terms again! it surprised me that that person would start the conversation, but i'm not complaining. now the onus is on me not to screw up again. while driving home tonight, for the first time since 2011, i didn't feel negative emotions (no matter how slight) when michelle branch's goodbye to you came on. now, back to the main story.

similar to honours year, the briefings were pretty informative, but thankfully, much shorter. most of the stuff was in the handout already, so we can more or less read at our leisure. things went mostly smoothly...module registration, getting acquainted with the new faces in lab, and talking to my professor. for modules, i've registered for contemporary organometallic chemistry and advanced organic materials. i'm kind of wondering if i should be kiasu and register a few additional modules, then drop those that i don't like. but the modules clash, so maybe it's better to stick with the original plan. kind of regret not taking a level 5000 module in honours year, because that would have offset a module for me now. i regret it even more so now that my professor isn't teaching organic synthesis, and won't be teaching any level 5000 modules this year. next year, hopefully.

there have been more changes to the lab in the 3 months that i've been away, as compared to in the 18 months i've been working there previously. shouldn't be hard to get used to, i think. biggest challenge will probably be finding the relevant chemicals' new locations. also went to the other lab to get an idea of the layout and stuff, since i'll be working there. also found out that the move is temporary, and my professor wants me back in our main lab once space frees up. makes me think that i should only move the bare essentials up, like glassware, TLC plates, gloves, maybe spare bottles of chemicals which i need, and my lab notebook. i think i'll be trying out at least one reaction tomorrow. it still feels a bit early, but i figure i have to get started to overcome the inertia and shake off the rust accumulated over 3 months.

i had a couple of hours' downtime between after lunch with the chem kids and meeting my professor, so i went to check out the newly-renovated general-cum-physical teaching lab. even though the work's not complete yet, it looks pretty good. biggest plus point: air-con. it looks brighter too, thanks to a combination of stronger lighting and brighter colours. only downside is that the view of certain fume hoods from the office is obscured by pillars and walls. but if honours TA experience is anything to go by, it's not like we'll be in the office much, anyway. just for short drink-and-rant breaks at the most. should be a nice(r) experience, TA-ing in the new lab. will only find out next semester, though.

my senior told me that during last week's group meeting, my professor asked about me, and expressed displeasure that i wasn't back working in lab yet. oddly enough, he seemed to be his normal self during our meeting today. then again, i've only seen him seriously angry once before, and that was for a much more serious transgression. so i figure that i'm still safe. he told me that now that i'm a grad student, i'm expected to shoulder some responsibilities in the lab. that's fine. to my mild horror, he told me that i would be sort of second-in-charge for lab safety, along with being the lab IT guy and helping to order chemicals as and when necessary. i don't mind the last 2 portfolios so much. the safety thing, however, is an arrow no grad student wants. i mean, it's fine if everything is smooth-sailing, but one incident and the safety guys suddenly become walking dartboards. on the bright side, it could have been worse...like chemical stock. accounting for over 1000 bottles of chemicals is even less fun than safety, that i'm pretty sure of. and all these roles are on top of standard grad student stuff, like waste disposal, solvent collection, and whatever may come up as and when. can't complain, though...the rest of the grad students also have their fair share of roles and responsibilities. one thing which i forgot to bring up to my professor was my intention to take japanese in future semesters...but that can wait a little, i guess. might be better if i ask him after showing good progress in my research.

one thing that didn't go smoothly, however, was my season parking application. my ballot for the science car park didn't go through. my first workaround was having my friend, who's a phd student but also a staff member (long story) apply through the staff route. that failed too, because the car has to be registered to the member of the staff or something. so, i guess i'm stuck parking at some far-away car park (probably SRC), then taking the shuttle bus to science. should count my blessings, i guess. while it's sian to have to take the shuttle bus, at least i have season parking. that saves me a bunch of money already. shuttle bus is free, my wallet doesn't suffer further damage either. besides, i have exercise plans at the SRC and guild house gym, two places out of the five that regular season parking covers. all in all, i think i can live with it. and i'll probably be luckier next semester anyway.

being in holiday mood and all, it didn't occur to me that there are 2 public holidays this week! i mean, i knew that friday's national day, but i had no idea that thursday is hari raya (puasa, i believe) until this morning, when my friend enlightened me to that fact. i don't really care that much, actually, since i can legally be away from school regardless. to celebrate the holidays, and to drown our sorrows before returning to school/work, we've organized another drinking session on friday. we'll probably drink a lot, but hopefully with better pacing this time. my main objectives this time round are to remember everything that happens, and not throw up. shouldn't be too hard to achieve. aside from that, i have more drinks planned with my soon-to-fly friend tomorrow, and maybe CJC/SJI training on wednesday. that one's a bit doubtful, though, since i understand SJI has cross-country. and not sure if there's training on saturday either, being so close to national day and all. other than that, biggest thing to look forward to is getting my transponder at the end of the month, earliest. finally, all-hours access to the lab! might not be a good thing though, depending on perspective. as long as i think it's good, i guess.

-random thought of the day: My phone's power button is spoilt!-

Fight your own battles.

there's clearly some residual effect from yesterday's episode, because that saying has been hovering around in my mind. i think getting someone to speak up on your behalf is something best left behind at primary school...unless you are afraid of the other party, there is a threat to your well-being, or if extremely strong emotions (anger, shame etc) are involved. otherwise, doing things by proxy is kind of spineless, i think. "i don't want to talk to the other party because i don't want to" reminds me of irrational arguments like, "you can't stay over at your friend's house because i said so". trivia: i've been fed that line before. the fact that it's illogical, childish, poorly-supported, and frankly, stupid, is why i feel that it's not a good enough reason to avoid settling something. chinese saying goes, "you can hide for some time, but not for your whole life". besides, it's basic courtesy, i think. i'd rather be told, "i don't want to talk to you because i don't respect you," than be left hanging, and i would do the same to people whose opinions i don't want to hear.

more thought on the matter has made me realize that i handled the conflict badly. not in the sense that it turned into a lose-lose situation, but in that i didn't establish what the proxy/mediator already knew before the confrontation. the information could have been one-sided. guess i reacted more to the pressure of the situation. should learn to calm down, take my time to rationally analyze anything, and spot places where additional info can be filled. must bear that in mind for a talk which i'll be having next week, though i think it will be easier.

other than that, can't really think of anything else for now. it's the second consecutive rainy night, so i hope sleep comes easier tonight...especially since i have to be up and about early tomorrow.

Never did i think i'd see the day when i'd be asked to take down some content which i'd posted previously. thought that only happened to influential/controversial blogs which are widely-read. on the bright side, it can be taken as a sign that my readership and/or influence is going up. seriously though, it's quite literally the first time in over 10 years this has happened to me. in fact, it's THE very first time. not something that i would have liked to happen this close to my tenth anniversary of blogging, but oh well. while i am pretty upset at being "asked" (with the prospect of legal action, thus a very loose usage of "asked") to censor my thoughts, i figure that it's better to swallow a bit of negative feelings for a net gain in overall peace.

as for the person involved, i'm not going to identify this person. not by name, nickname, age, height, weight, gender, hairstyle, distinguishing features, hobbies, how we're related, the exact conflict, anything. the only thing i will say is that this person is a person living somewhere in the world. even though the conflict was resolved with me taking down the "incriminating" content, i didn't like how it was handled, because this person still did not talk to me directly, and acted through a medium (not a literal medium, but you probably knew/guessed that). i had originally wrote "social circle" in the possible methods of identification, but i realize that would be irrelevant with this next point. as far as i'm concerned, the bridges have been burnt with the latest development. from this post on, this person doesn't exist to me. it's not hate or any negative emotion, it's complete indifference. not like it'll be a big deal to them...after all, i'm not a particularly useful friend. not handsome, not rich, no influential connections (despite what the chem kids might have you believe). probably the only thing i have going for me is sincerity. i just hope that that person and i have no reason to ever interact in the future.

for me, the biggest takeaway from this episode is "mai kaypoh"....or perhaps more accurately, "kaypoh appropriately". the conflict arose because based on past experience with this same person, i thought that they would appreciate an external point of view from someone to whom they was relatively closer (ie. me). evidently, something changed between past experience and present day. i also misjudged the (emotional) closeness very very badly. you see, from our past interactions, and based on the fact that i had trusted this person with a few of my deeper secrets, i (maybe naively) thought that my same level of trust would be reciprocated. turns out that that's not the case. apparently, the distance between people also depends on the individual people.

despite starting out being concerned for that person and with an intent to help, things still turned out this way. guess it's true, what they say about good intentions and the road to hell. in retrospect, perhaps what i should have done at the very beginning was to ask, "do you want my opinion on the matter?" and waited for a reply before doing anything else. that might (would, actually) have saved a whole lot of negative feelings and confrontation. unless there was no reply, but that's a whole different story. lesson learnt, i guess.

so, where do we go from here? well, life goes on, you live and learn, and all that stuff about moving forward. my JC home tutor has trained me well! even though this was a negative experience, it's probably not going to stop me from being concerned about people that i care for, or feel responsibility/obligation towards. however, what i have to do now is be more careful/selective in identifying these people, and not take it for granted that everyone will welcome/appreciate this kind of help (or to put it negatively, intrusion). maybe asking them at first would be good too, though i think that doing so may be a little creepy, not to mention that i'm usually able to feel the other party's receptivity...hope this is just a one-off case, and it's not my sense dying.

i think that should be safe and vague enough. if you didn't read the previous post before it was edited, and are not directly involved in this conflict, i don't think there's any way you can know exactly who i'm talking about. despite writing about it, i realize that my feelings towards the matter are still kind of messy. like, i can't find a word to accurately describe how i feel. maybe my emotional vocabulary isn't wide enough. based on what i have, the word which best describes how i'm feeling is...not "annoyed". "angry" to a small extent. a bit of "sad". not "frustrated". mostly "disappointed" and "resigned". hope that will all change to "nonchalant" after a good night's sleep.

maybe this conflict is a sign. you see, i'm due to handle another (much larger) conflict in the next few days, involving totally different people, so this can be thought of as a "warm-up"...though that phrasing is probably inappropriate. side thought: i seem to be getting into a fair bit of these sticky situations, don't i? anyway, with some luck, the upcoming bomb disposal will go better than this rocky one. i trust that it will, because i can speak more candidly to the people involved there. or maybe i'm misreading the sign, which actually says, "RUN FAR FAR AWAY, DON'T LOOK BACK!!!"

looking forward (nice contrast), kata practice is scheduled for tomorrow. my partner still seems to be sore/tired from his outfield, so i'm not sure what we can actually accomplish in those few hours. right now, the tentative plan is to try the last set of nage no kata. after that, we'll see what we can do, depending on how energetic he is. as a small motivation, i'm happy/proud to announce that i've been faithfully doing my daily peer pressure exercises. maybe there is something to this concept, after all. just hope this doesn't jinx it. i'm meeting my friend on friday for the wolverine before he goes back to the US, so that's another thing to look forward to (the movie, not him leaving). SJI/CJC training on saturday (which i hope won't get cancelled like today's session was), where i have to talk to favourite SJI boy about some stuff, then NO TUITION! happiness. and it just started raining. that really makes me feel much better, because i know that i'll sleep well tonight. better than last night at any rate; the heat/humidity kept me up until 4:00am or so. without further ado, i'm off to take advantage of the weather.

-random thought of the day: My calves still feel sore from 3 minutes of jumping jacks on Tuesday.-